"GOLD!" by tomatorade
One morning, when he was very young, Ringo’s father became obsessed. He had his box of trinkets out and spilled on the floor of the sitting room. As an old flareon, he was a tumbleweed of white fur and red fur so dull it appeared white, and he seemed an ugly tumour attached to the white wool rug.
All his old memories were lined up before him, decades of old coins, bits of machines from eras past, and the old, bleached purses used to hold them. Maybe for him to reminisce. He did not reminisce quietly; what Rigno really remembered was watching him rant to himself from the doorway, too timid to make himself known. The noise shaking him.
All because of gold coins...
Judge Comments
Dragonfree
I think you've got a very neat concept here coupled with some strong characterization: this guild boasts of a load of gold rank rescue teams, but really half of them were fully manufactured by this Umbreon, who will casually create crises for his clients to resolve and then have blackmail on them for the rest of their lives. Ringo is deliciously sinister, and it's painful to watch Tylus ultimately chickening out of telling the truth and silently accepting the gold rank, Absinthe seeing his own little brother being obliviously taken advantage of to facilitate it. I'm sort of torn on how well it fits the theme, though - it doesn't feel very slice of life, what with the straight-up villain and stakes and injury, even though we see a bit of normal day-to-day guild operations alongside it. Of course, part of the point here is that this
is daily life for Ringo and the guild, horrific as it is - lure a child into a dungeon and knock them out here, blackmail there, pick up a new oblivious client along the way - but as far as daily life in the Pokémon world goes, I would not have identified that as a significant theme in this story without knowing it was an entry in this contest!
I think you did a very nice job with buildup in the pivotal scenes here, which did a lot for the story. Ringo and Whiskey in the dungeon was already worrying after learning Ringo is definitely up to something, but Whiskey slowing down and noticing that the still-smiling Ringo isn't limping anymore is a great moment of real dread; the pause that follows is tense, drawn out in just the right way, and then there's Ringo telling him "I think it's about time" and to listen for something, and Whiskey sincerely listening as hard as he can because if he wants to get good at this he needs to sharpen his senses... There's just a very good, unsettling rhythm to this bit that makes it really hit. And likewise, I thought the scene where Tylus frantically runs into the dungeon knowing he's going to find something awful manufactured for his benefit was great; just pure dread and shock and then Ringo is there casually feeding him the cover story,
feel free to embellish, chiding him for being too busy being upset and in shock to take care of Whiskey. You did a great job on Tylus's mental state and desperate efforts to resist and refuse and the way Ringo's heard it all before, and on the way Tylus ultimately just succumbs, and how dreadful all his clients feel about it while Ringo sits there brimming with satisfaction. And the contemplation on how when there's not much crime going on the would-be heroes of the world are left having to resort to Ringo's trickery to achieve their gold-rank feats is fascinating and has awful implications for this world - is basically
every heroic rescue a problem that was staged by Ringo?
This story suffered for being
confusingly written, though, in a way that's hard to fully articulate. It's a combination of typos, sentence fragments, frequently odd or unusual word usage, and various writing choices throughout that make things sort of
vague or not fully connected together, all compounding in a way where on the first readthrough I felt like I just really wasn't properly following what was going on until about halfway through when the pieces started to connect. Obviously part of the point here is the buildup of a bit of mystery before you reveal exactly what it is that Ringo is actually up to after he casually knocks Whiskey unconscious. But one way or another, as I read this for the first time I felt less like we were building up a mystery and more like the story was just completely going over my head. It took me three reads of some scenes to piece together what's really going on and what they're getting at; some I still haven't quite figured out.
Here's my current understanding of things: Ringo's father hated gold because it displaced previous currency which displaced trading and bartering. Ringo picked up from him a certain contempt for the notion of gold as something to truly value and revere; instead Ringo thinks of himself as the steel scaffolding that keeps everything else upright, and of gold as merely some meaningless thing weak and stupid people feel the need to show off for its own sake, that he'll generously facilitate for them for a fee. He appears to be blackmailing Absinthe and others in the guild for money, ostensibly in exchange for information about jobs but presumably really in exchange for not revealing they didn't earn their ranks legitimately(?). Tylus in particular is someone who he's promised to get to gold rank before tomorrow, and he fulfills that promise by first feeding Bella and others the information that an Ursaring in a certain dungeon is meant to be gone (to set up why he'd be justified in taking a child there, presumably; I think it's also suggested the information there was ever an Ursaring in it may have
also been an offscreen Ringo fabrication), then telling Tylus to go check on that dungeon while (presumably) drugging the guy who's supposed to be guarding it, and then tempting Absinthe's naïve younger brother Whiskey into exploring the dungeon with him, knocking him out and then himself inside it so that Tylus will find them and 'rescue' them and can tell everyone he fended off the Ursaring that'd attacked them. Absinthe, who wants to make a move against Ringo, overhears Ringo telling Tylus to go to the dungeon and that he'll be arranging the rank for him, and he means to try to stop Tylus and persuade him to help him take Ringo down before tonight, but he doesn't actually make any move to do so - presumably because Whiskey was the one taken, and that successfully shocks Absinthe into silence(?). Tylus is shocked when he gets there by Ringo hurting a child, and threatens to reveal what Ringo's doing, but Ringo calls his bluff, and ultimately Tylus goes along with Ringo's story and is miserably promoted to the gold rank, while Ringo finds a new target at the celebration.
I like this plot, if I've understood it correctly. But when first reading the first scene, for example, I just had trouble following why this old Flareon is so angry at his own gold coins that he's taken out a box of them and scattered them across the floor just to bite them in half. On a reread, you do technically answer it in the scene:
Though he tended to rave at many objects and more pokemon, Ringo could never forget this image of him in particular. It was the only piece of the puzzle he ever understood. The lone card he took and shuffled into his own deck. Later in life he’d learn the continent had taken gold as its currency. After silver, which came after grain, which came after simple bartering.
His father had lived through most of that. And made his feelings know in dents and scratches.
But the way this is phrased feels very roundabout, doesn't really make it obvious why just living through the transition from bartering to grain to silver to gold would make his father suddenly want to destroy his own coins years after the fact, I think. And because it's not super clear, and it's kind of an odd thing for someone to do in the first place, I at least initially came out of the scene just confused by why his father hated gold so much and what the scene was actually trying to tell me - I figured maybe we were supposed to find out more about it later, but it never happened.
I felt something like that for a lot of this story - dialogue where I couldn't quite follow the flow of conversation, roundabout descriptions dancing around something I couldn't quite grasp, characters reacting to each other in unexplained ways I didn't quite understand.
And she just sat there, blinking. Absinthe passed by while she thought. The long tail of his head-leaf trailed across her partner's shoulders and he seemed to shudder. Weakened a moment.
“You saw, right?” he pleaded.
Pleaded. Like her grandma in cold winters, unable to get up out of bed.
When he smiled back at her, a muscle tensed in his neck. His scales seemed duller, there, even sitting in bright grass and bright light. Their eyes did not fully meet.
She swallowed. Glanced once more at Absinthe, who’d already stomped off without a word.
And then the strangeness vanished. Things warmed. Tylus sighed and softened and they were a whole team again. She could wonder what happened later, but for now they had work to do.
“Yeah, I saw.”
Here, for example, I'm still not totally sure what just happened. Why is Tylus so badly affected by Absinthe's leaf brushing him? Why is he so urgently asking Sewsoat if she "saw it" (saw Absinthe's leaf brushing him, or something else...?)? I initially thought this was setting up something dodgy about Absinthe, or that Absinthe had just done something to sabotage Tylus somehow, but if there's meant to be anything dodgy about Absinthe other than also being unwillingly trapped in Ringo's web, I don't think I've picked it up from the rest of the story, and the Absinthe-POV scene that follows this doesn't seem to illuminate anything about it - he doesn't even seem to recognize Tylus's voice when he then eavesdrops on his conversation with Ringo, so it doesn't
sound like they had any previous relationship. Part of me thinks the latter scene might actually be meant to take place before the former, but that feels like kind of a stretch too since as far as I can tell every other scene is in chronological order, and the scene with Sewsoat and Tylus talks about it being part of their
pre-lunch planning, while in the Absinthe scene he's at lunch, so the internal time cues also seem to suggest the first one happens first. All in all, even after several rereads, I'm just not sure what the relationship between Absinthe and Tylus is meant to be here or what this interaction means or how that fits in with the rest of the story.
I kept being confused by the narration in one way or another throughout the first half especially;
most of the time I can basically figure out what you were probably trying to convey, but the way it's put is somewhat confusing or counterintuitive and has me stopping to reread the sentence or paragraph before I can be sure what you meant. This happened in some form multiple times a page, but just a few examples I happened to remember or make a note of: The Wingull are "always on time, never punctual" which feels at a glance like just an oxymoron (I guess you mean they technically arrive on time but procrastinate on the actual job?); Whiskey talks about a bag of necessities and then goes on to "Kinda hard to read in Absinthe's chickenscratch, but he'd begged a copy weeks ago" with no mention of any note or anything written down or anything he might have "a copy" of (I guess he's referring to some kind of unmentioned inventory of what should be packed for a mission?); Wheateater having "a bit of a reputation and too much money for drink" just took me a bit to parse correctly (presumably you mean that he has a reputation for drink, and a lot of money to spare that he spends on drinking,
too much in the sense that if he had less money it would at least put some limits on it); Ringo describes a "nice break in between work" as "Needed, but not desired—as the hardest worker in the guild, even he recognised the value of a little time to himself" which kind of seems to indicate he doesn't want a break right before saying he does (I guess the point is he can reluctantly understand that it'd be good for him even though he doesn't actually
want it?).
There are also some random shifts to present tense in here, even though most of the story is in the past tense - I don't think that contributed majorly to the clarity issues or anything, but it was there.
All that said, though, even though I had some difficulties following the story in the first half especially, I thought it made up for it in the second half, which I found quite memorable and evocative and interesting - once I properly got what the story was, I was into it. Ringo is such a magnificent evil bastard, and Tylus is just so freaked out and miserable about the whole thing; I love what you did with these scenes, and you've clearly got a knack for that sort of buildup and emotion. In hindsight I thought it was a somewhat odd choice how long it takes to introduce Tylus, given the climax is so centered around him, and I think I would also have liked to see a bit more of Absinthe - I'm still a bit confused about his role in things, as I mentioned above - but by the end I definitely dug what you were doing with this. Prose clarity can be a somewhat difficult/subtle issue to address, especially if English isn't your first language, but it's something that should come with practice, especially with the help of a beta who's willing to be honest if they don't quite understand.
So aside from those issues, I really do think you've got a neat thing going here. It is less about the daily life theme than I would have expected in this contest, but simply as a story I think it's very interesting and delightfully twisted.
Flyg0n
I thought this idea was really cool! A sly, deceptive Umbreon, making sure that certain exploration teams are able to make Gold rank by pulling strings and setting up some clever tricks? Plus the buildup to the reveal was rather nice.
I particularly thought using multiple POV’s to establish how different people in the story viewed Ringo was a good idea. It helps to show how his deception is definitely fooling some mon and not others, and gives a good show of how some mon are simply unaware while others are too busy or fearful to take action.
Unfortunately, I did find myself struggling a bit with prose and some generally confusing sentence structure. These things can be pretty tricky though, whether it's trying to go for evocative prose or just english being a weird language.
Generally, the only real answer for this is a beta and going for simpler prose. Instead of giving any specific advice I’ll just say to keep working on it! No matter how you spin it, getting the hang of prose is really hard. I think there were some good lines as well, so it's all about balance.
I also thought that another good part was the way different characters have unique dialogue and speech mannerisms. It can be easy to slip into samey voices, but I think here I found there’s clever ways in which the different characters sounded distinct. Even something like the way a certain character swears differently or speaks differently.
I did find that the way the story felt like it had a bit more climactic conclusion and buildup made for a fun read but did ever so slightly detract from the more mundane day to day problems. Still, I thought that as a concept on a whole, it works well for the kind of story it is, and uses a really neat concept instead of a more heroic or moral character.
By the end of it, Ringo gets away to making Gold, but it feels like a satisfying conclusion, especially for a short story like this.
lisianthus
Another PMD fic, so another preface that I don’t know too much about PMD aside from the base storyline and plot! So I’m bound to misunderstand some things, apologies!
and he seemed an ugly tumour attached to the white wool rug.
Oof… vivid imagery, but it’s certainly cutting to the core and grabs a reader’s attention.
All because of gold coins.
[…]
He bit gold coins in half and spat out the remains, plowed them into the floor with a paw, called them easy, raved about them turning to dust in his pockets
(I believe you missed the period at the end!) But wow, a real-life gold fever, huh… must have been a bit scary for Ringo to see his father so
enraptured?
Starting to turn to something, bella swore.
I’m a bit unsure if this was on purpose given Ringo was capitalized, but I believe you missed the capitalization on Bella’s name? I know that some fic writers tend to not capitalize Pokemon names and such, but I’m unsure if not capitalizing the name itself was on-purpose. If it was, I’m curious as to why!
The swellow and other mailbirds made themselves known as dark streams through the blue and landed easy and clean on their perches. They’d chatter for a while before dropping off the mail.
This is a neat small bit of worldbuilding! I think it’s neat to see how PMD authors reconcile Pokemon being humanlike, but being able to specialize in certain jobs due to their natural characteristics. Mailbrings make sense…
He sorta sank in on himself. Looks back over his shoulder. He’s not budged from the doorway, claws curled around the door and ready to sprint. He whined a little and it reminded her of a deflating balloon.
This paragraph mixes present-tense and past-tense and it reads a bit confusingly in terms of ‘flow’ to me? I’d personally just stick with past-tense to simplify things, but it’s your call.
Umbreon sat in the corner, usually, but he was born in public, no doubt.
Good way of introducing what kind of Pokemon Ringo is without going into his last name like with the others so far!
She couldn’t remember the title guildmaster blaziken
Unless if I’m missing something, since ‘Guildmaster’ is a title, I believe it should be capitalized.
And he held true to his title, taking her stack of notices gingerly between his teeth and shoving them awkwardly in a space in his bandana. They fanned out in the crook of his neck like a ruffled collar.
I like how this reflects the physical form of an Umbreon not being able to really… grab things? It roots your world as one with (sapient) Pokemon first and foremost.
Despite all his charms, Ringo knew when to give up. He sorta shrugged, pushing himself up and off his wrong leg. With a quick shake and one last smile, he set off. Pausing for the last word.
Damn friggin’ bastard umbreon
Harsh words, lol… but I do think that having a narrator be so strong-feeling shows something to be expected, I suppose, from each character, without properly telling about their personality traits.
Hmm, I’m unsure as to what Pokemon she is? I sort of feel as though sticking to the ‘last name = Pokemon species’ format you’ve previously set up would be a bit less confusing here.
He bandaged open wooden spots with each notice. In only a couple minutes it was all white and black again and Benny got to admire today’s handiwork.
I think I’d use ‘the day’s’ here instead of ‘today’s’, as the latter feels more like something suited for first-person narration, or dialogue?
Lucky for Ringo, Benny’d get a trip to jail for chucking a hammer at his head.
LOL… this was a small moment of levity, and another nice way of indirectly letting us know of Benny’s thoughts. He
really doesn’t like Ringo, huh!?
But It […] got a facefull of black and yellow fur, instead.
Two things — I don’t believe ‘it’ should be capitalized in this case, as it doesn’t
seem to be a proper noun? And ‘facefull’ is spelled without that last L, I believe.
The one thing he’d miss on evolving would be the ability to blend into the sea of green, being so short. Even his bright red eyes kinda looked like the poppies from far away.
I wish I was able to figure out what Pokemon Whiskey is from this description, as I’m sure it’s good enough for many to infere ahaha! Neat way of describing.
“Tell me when a junior can go into a dungeon,” Ringo urged.
[…]
“...If you’re up for it.”
Interesting! I’m afraid I don’t fully fully get it, as I’m not really able to follow much of this story due to not having much background knowledge, but this is a good story-driving development.
I’m admittedly a bit worried your cast of characters is getting a bit
too large here? I’m feeling it’s a bit difficult to follow the developments in this story with so many characters to remember, especially as they tend to have very similar speech patterns. Just something to think about, but I do feel it’s getting a bit confusing, although I understand your aim in showcasing many parts of your setting.
Tylus had the spark in him, though. And never stopped seeing gold.
I think your motif of ‘gold’ being present here is good, it gives the sense that gold is very important to your society here… and from what I’ve seen as of now, it makes sense why!
the slow tick of Bella’s pidove clock
I like this small thing of Bella having a Pidove-shaped(?) clock! Sounds cute…
He couldn’t make it to two, but it hardly mattered when he left a half-hour early.
[…]
giving up when he
[…]
He yelped[…]’
I’d put Whiskey’s name a few times within these paragraphs, as it’s much clearer than only using ‘he’ to refer to him? I admittedly forgot the character being focused on due to the POV change a few paragraphs back.
They ran into ferals on occasion.
It’s interesting to know that ferals exist — maybe that’s why having a Pidove clock isn’t that weird to Bella, and that sort of thing?
The last thing he heard was a sharp crack.
Wow, this was abrupt! But a good usage of suddenness, it creates a feeling of ‘uh, what just happened??’, which is good for creating suspense.
But he could not admire long. He let himself a final moment of peace, glancing back at the limp form of Whiskey. It was time.
They had to be injured for Tylus to find.
This is taking a dark turn…
he’d learned Ringo had taken Whiskey on a trail run
I believe you missed a period here~.
And Tylus struggled to keep himself composed on the march to Hill dungeon.
Wouldn’t ‘Dungeon’ be capitalized here, as it is a proper noun?
“Ah—” Sewsoat sighed as she saw him. “Daddy’s had a bit too much again. Quitting didn’t last so long, I guess. Give me a minute.”
Ahaha… well, can’t fault him for trying? (though I get the impression quitting happens semi-often, what with her reaction lol.)
I believe this should be ‘sprinted’?
“You didn’t.”
“Of course not.” Ringo coughed, a shuttering wheeze following. “The ursaring did.”
WOW… what a sleazeball, lol!! That’s one way to promise a rank up(?)…
WOrd had gotten around apparently.
I’d put a comma after ‘around’ here?
A very deliberate pause. A glasses-tilted-down-on-her-beak pause.
I like how you describe the pause, it’s like I can feel the intensity and
stillness of it!
Ringo’s father would hate him—all he touched turned to gold.
This is a good callback to the motif throughout this fic.
“Really? I’ve seen you around, didn’t think that was your scene.”
“Oh, yeah, I worked at Treebow, believe it or not…”
Ringo looked back at Tylus one last time. He’d make a good choice at Treebow. Selfish and stupid and weak, but very eager to follow directions.
The mienfoo seemed the selfish type.
“...I could give you some tips, if you want.”
I like this ending! It feels like a good way of showing how Ringo feels zero remorse, lol…
Thank you for participating! While I personally wasn’t able to follow this work very well and my personal enjoyment was thusly limited, I have a feeling it’s the sort of work that PMD fans would be very invested in, and I think your worldbuilding is deep here! Nice job.
Windskull
So let me start off with this: I love the concept of this fic. I love the idea of looking in on a guild and the corruption inside it. And I think the idea of someone intentionally faking disasters to move people up in rank is an interesting way to do that. And when your prose hits well, it really hits well! One such example is the opening. I love the description of the old flareon looking like “a tumbleweed of white.”
Additionally, I think several of the characters you set up are really good, and you have a really good grasp of character voice. Every PoV feels distinct.
Despite all that, I think there are a few things that hold this story back. Let me start with the objective stuff, then I’ll move into my more subjective critiques.
Firstly, I think the story could have used closer proofreading. There were several typos throughout the fic. I’ve noted a couple of them below.
[The hairline cracks were looking dangerous. Starting to turn to something, bella swore. ] Missed capitalization
[He linked to flash his rings as he flashed his teeth.]
I think you might have meant “liked.”
[He spronted.]
Sprinted?
Secondly, I noticed a few instances where the prose changed between present and past tense, and I don’t think they were intentional.
Third, I noticed a notable number of sentence fragments. Some of them may have been stylistic intentions, but I think the frequency of them was detrimental to the story. In relation to that, I also noticed that there were several instances where the only thing wrong was that a pronoun was missing. It works in some cases, but not in others. Below is an example of what I’m talking about.
[He jittered doing chores. Left long scratches across the handle of his broom, to the point Bella noticed as she instructed and forced him to take a chair beside her desk. Glared at him for the last hour as she kicked up the dust and sent it outside her office.]
A more proper way to word this would be something like…
[He jittered doing chores, leaving long scratches across the handle of his broom until Bella noticed and forced him to take a chair beside her desk. She glared at him for the last hour as she kicked up the dust and sent it outside her office.]
I don’t mean to harp on these too much, but I really think these mechanical mistakes significantly hamper the flow of the story.
The last, and most subjective, critique I have is that I wish Ringo's motivation for doing what he does was a bit more clear. We get a bit of it from the opening scene and a bit at the end, but the through line isn't there. If he's being paid by his clients and enriching himself, it's not entirely clear. He does imply he knows the head of the guild they're graduating to, but it's not clear if this is a favor to them. I think fleshing this point out could help the story shine.
Despite my critiques, I do think this fic has a ton of potential. Like I said, you have a strong grasp of characterization and character voice. And when you get into the flow with descriptive prose, it comes out really nice. It just needs a little more work to make it shine like gold.
