Pokémon Lucardevoirzard’s Big Adventure!

[The Walrein]

Lucardevoirzard’s Big Adventure!

Hey guys, I noticed a lot of you are all rebooting your fics today, so I decided this would be a good time to finally reboot Some Average Days In A Pokemon Daycare. I’ll try to keep it to the spirit of the original work as much as possible, so I’m only going to make a few minor adjustments to the fic: First, I’m getting rid of the original ensemble cast of quirky Pokemon protagonists and replacing them with a single Lucario-Gardevoir-Charizard hybrid character, who will be completely serious and broody all the time without a single trace of quirkiness. Second, I’m changing the setting of the fic from a bucolic-yet-vaguely-mysterious Pokemon Daycare to a secret laboratory run by the Team Rockevonangers Department Corporation, a combination experimental Team Rocket division/evil megacorporation/shadowy government agency. Third, the genre of the fic will change from comedy/drama to a hardcore erotic-romance bildungsroman. Now, presented for your enjoyment, is the complete first chapter of the new fic:





































Alright, obviously there is no such chapter. Because – unlike you – I have some moral standards. You probably clicked on this thread thinking you’d be in for some lighthearted parody of the concept of Pokemorphs or Pokemon hybrids, didn’t you? Oh, a Lucario-Charizard-Gardevoir morph, how droll! How amusing! How laughable!

But to the tens of thousands of Arctozolt and Dracovish suffering from poorly-functioning bodies because someone thought creating a wacky mis-matched hybrid would be ‘fun’, the subject of Pokemon hybridization is no laughing matter. These Pokemon’s lives are an endless agony of perpetual near-hypothermia or asphyxiation, and yet you think this is a suitable subject for light comedy. Well, I’m here to say that the lives of hybrid Pokemon are not a joke, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Do you even know how many pet Purrloins and Lillipup get sent to the emergency room every year because some ‘comedian’ decided it would be ‘funny’ to try and duct-tape them together to create their own amateur ‘hybrid’ species? No, I’m not going to tell you the number. It’s not my responsibility to educate you. Look it up yourself. I bet you’ll be surprised. Do you have any idea how painful it is to take off all that duct-tape when your body is covered in fur? Imagine the worst experience you ever had pulling off an old band-aid, multiplied by a thousand. But you’re not doing that, are you, because you’re too busy laughing over the ‘amusing’ mental image of a Purrloin and Lillipup taped together.

Despicable. Just despicable. You should log out, turn off your computer, and spend the next several hours re-thinking your choices in life.

You’re still here, aren’t you? Is there something you want from me? Oh, I’m sorry, you were expecting me to tell you a joke, weren’t you? Very well then, you can have your joke:

Q: What’s worse than a paper-cut?
A: Two paper cuts.

Q: What’s worse than two paper-cuts?
A: The pointless suffering of thousands upon thousands of Pokemon hybrid species.

Q: What’s worse than the pointless suffering of thousands upon thousands of Pokemon hybrid species?
A: Your sickening attempts to find any humor at all in this situation, you absolute monster.

Zing! How’s that for a punchline?

Oh? Are you still not satisfied? Fine, then. Highlight the ‘blank’ region below the initial paragraph to get a big surprise.









Did you try it? Surprise, there’s nothing there! Look, I warned you that I was done making attempts at April Fool’s jokes for today. You have no-one to blame but yourself for your disappointment. And don’t you dare try to leave a ‘Quag’ emote on this post. Quagsire is a pure, innocent soul who has no desire to be turned into a vehicle for your cruel mockery.

TLDR: Stop laughing.

 

[Chibi Pika]

Do you even know how many pet Purrloins and Lillipup get sent to the emergency room every year because some ‘comedian’ decided it would be ‘funny’ to try and duct-tape them together to create their own amateur ‘hybrid’ species? No, I’m not going to tell you the number. It’s not my responsibility to educate you. Look it up yourself. I bet you’ll be surprised. Do you have any idea how painful it is to take off all that duct-tape when your body is covered in fur? Imagine the worst experience you ever had pulling off an old band-aid, multiplied by a thousand. But you’re not doing that, are you, because you’re too busy laughing over the ‘amusing’ mental image of a Purrloin and Lillipup taped together.

OBJECTION

I have it on good authority that in one """Unova Trainer Fic Exquisite Corpse""" you yourself pioneered the bold and controversial move of having Team Plasma, alleged Pokemon welfare enthusiasts, duct-tape Pokemon together as part of their hybrid army. Not only that, but this plot element influenced the subsequent authors so strongly that it endured for the next three chapters despite the famously incoherent nature inherent to the corpse format! How can this possibly be anything more than a thinly-veiled ploy to spread amusement at that idea all throughout the community, despite any claims to the contrary?

I'm onto you. In fact, I think I will leave a quag. Or several!

 

[Negrek]

OBJECTION

I have it on good authority that in one """Unova Trainer Fic Exquisite Corpse""" you yourself pioneered the bold and controversial move of having Team Plasma, alleged Pokemon welfare enthusiasts, duct-tape Pokemon together as part of their hybrid army.

Au contrair, I think you'll find that the reprehensible segment of the Unova Trainer Fic Exquisite Corpse was in fact written by Walrein, who was clearly hoping to profit off the suffering of innocent pokémon by making insensitive hybrid jokes! Based on the comments in this story about removing duct tape from your fur, I think it's clear that the author here has actually themselves suffered as a result of the "hybridization" trend. Perhaps an unfortunate purrloin, a relative of that skitty who used to run a blog? One way or another, the author deserves our compassion, not these baseless accusations!

(You did a lot for this April Fool's! I was totally expecting this to be the "real" fic... bamboozled again!)

 

[The Walrein]

HOLD IT!

Not only that, but this plot element influenced the subsequent authors so strongly that it endured for the next three chapters despite the famously incoherent nature inherent to the corpse format!

Yes, it's true that on the outside, an exquisite corpse may appear to be 'incoherent'. But as experienced corpse-veterans such as you or I know, that chaotic nature is an illusion. Once you receive those last two sentences from the last writer, you know in the deepest recesses of your heart that there's only one possible story that inexorably follows from the premises, like the unspooling of a beautiful fractal design given a simple initial equation. As soon as I was sent those fateful two sentences, "Standing over me with an insufferable smirk and a Poké Ball in hand was my bully and long-time rival Gus "Jerkbag" "Slo-Roll" "the Flame" Johnson. "Fancy meeting you here, idiot chumpface," he sneered as a gappy, vacant grin split his freckled face.", I had no choice but to write my segment of the corpse exactly as I did, hapless-Pokemon-taping-together included. My flippers were tied!

So, is the previous corpse writer, kyeugh, really the one to blame here? Not at all! For you see, it is not only the words themselves that determine the nature of the succeeding segment, but also, the formatting of those words. Only a fool would deny that there's a critical difference between 'this phrase' and 'this phrase'. And who was it who presented kyeugh's words to me for that segment of the corpse? Why, it was none other than you yourself, Chibi Pika! At this point, I'd like to submit the following evidence into the court record, the original google docs document I was given containing kyeugh's final sentences: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FiYHHNKn2ShKKniJDYyaACKxsw6dacJ_nnd-DxLDkuk/edit

As one can clearly see, the critical two sentences of text were given to me in 11-point Arial font. Now, is this the font kyeugh usually writes with on Thousand Roads? To answer this, I'd like to submit another piece of evidence into the court record: https://forums.thousandroads.net/index.php?threads/wandersword.31/post-618 This is a link to a post in kyeugh's story Wandersword, which was the most recent such post she made before her role in the Unova Trainer-Fic corpse came up. And as is clearly evident, it's not written in 11-point Arial font at all! When compared side-by-side with what Chibi Pika submitted to me in this copy of the document here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1at4_nsASJvSqq8A4d_KgfSDHAbaUlI9BIeP2g7F48-M/edit?usp=sharing, you can see that kyeugh was using 11.5-point Roboto font!

TAKE THAT!

The conclusion to be drawn from these facts is clear: Chibi Pika, using their masterful knowledge of the dynamics of exquisite corpse stories, intentionally edited the font to the one single choice which would force the next part of the story to be about duct-taping together innocent Pokemon! There was indeed a "thinly-veiled ploy" going on here, but it was not a scheme of my design!

What could possibly be Chibi Pika's motive for this nefarious plot, you ask? Why, it's very simple. Out of all the members of this forum, they have the most to gain from raising the profile of Pokemon hybrid characters:

From Chapter 2 of The Legendarian Chronicles:

“It’s… it’s a Pikachu?” Spencer blurted out, stifling a laugh. “A Pikachu?”

Except something looked… off about it. It was missing the familiar red cheek markings. And… the fur on its head was long and stiffly pointed, almost like feathers. And then its eyes snapped open, revealing a pair of piercing, birdlike eyes.

I hesitated. “Guys… I don’t think—”

At once, a flood of lightning poured out of the rodent’s body. I jumped backward without thinking and tripped over a box as a bolt flew dangerously close to where I’d been standing. Right after that, the experiment shot past me in an instant, bolting up to the highest point it could find before unleashing waves of electricity all around.

“Let me see that!” I shouted, practically shoving Rudy out of the way so I could get a look at the label on the Pokéball slot.

Experimental Pokémon 009: Hybrid series - Pikachu / Zapdos. Possesses abnormally high power level and untamable disposition. Experiment classified as failure due to undersized power capacity, unstable energy signature, and immunity to standard experiment control procedures.
My face fell with dread. “This thing was mixed with the Legendary Zapdos.”

As you can see, one of the major characters from Chibi Pika's most famous story - a character so important their very name derives from him - is a Pikachu/Zapdos hybrid Pokemon! Clearly, by highlighting the ridiculousness of hybrids generated via duct-tape, they meant to make Rocket-experiment-created hybrids look even more awesome in comparison!

I must applaud you, Chibi Pika, for a masterfully-designed scheme. Your sole mistake was bringing your role in it directly to my attention with your over-reaching attempt to frame me for it. At this point, I think it's safe to say a verdict can be handed down. This court finds user The Walrein, for the crime of irresponsible Pokemon-duct-taping-promotion, to be...

NOT GUILTY!

*Cheers burst from every corner of the courtroom as confetti descends from the ceiling*

*Gavel slams* Court dismissed!

Based on the comments in this story about removing duct tape from your fur, I think it's clear that the author here has actually themselves suffered as a result of the "hybridization" trend. Perhaps an unfortunate purrloin, a relative of that skitty who used to run a blog?

As for the allegations that I am actually a Purrloin, I am afraid I can neither confirm nor deny them at this time.