Original LIFE HELIX!!!

[The Walrein]

You think you know how body works? You don’t! You believe doctor’s LIE about 4-humored body! Real body have 4 bases, not 4 humour! 4 bases combine with five-sided sugar and bat poop ion to make LIFE HELIX!!!!

Small creature have one LIFE HELIX! Big creature have billions of LIFE HELIX! You are big creature! You have billions of LIFE HELIX!

4 bases make 20 acids! 3 bases = 1 acid! (Its basic math!!!) Many acids make string of acids! Bent-up acid string do everything in body! Except for things done by bent-up base strings, which use SECRET FIFTH BASE!!!

LIFE HELIX predict your future! Smallest creature LIFE HELIX go in CIRCLE, so they can live forever! Big creature LIFE HELIX go in LINE! When LINE become 2 LINE, LINE get shorter! When line get TOO SHORT, you die! Unless line NOT get shorter in place where it SHOULD get shorter, and keep becoming 2 line! That is CANCER!

Do you think you have billions of LIFE HELIX? You are wrong! You have TWO billions of LIFE HELIX! One billions from male! One billions from female! When small creature in you that MAKE BABY born, male helix and female helix MIX TOGETHER! You “male” LIFE HELIX actually Grandma and Grandpa LIFE HELIX mix together! And Grandma LIFE HELIX from own Grandma and Grandpa, all back to small creature with FIRST LIFE HELIX! Small creature today use mostly same LIFE HELIX for EAT SUGAR as big creature! LIFE HELIX PROVE ALL LIFE IS INTERCONNECTED!!!

Do you think you have TWO billions of LIFE HELIX? You are wrong! You have FORTY-SIX billions of LIFE HELIX! 23 from male! 23 from female! 23 plus 23 equals FORTY-SIX! (Don’t believe me? DO THE MATH!!!) Each of 23 has LIFE HELIX wrapped around bent-up acid string to make BIGGER HELIX! HELIX WITHIN HELIX!

Beware! Danger to LIFE HELIX is everywhere! Sun shoot out INVISIBLE RAYS that DAMAGE LIFE HELIX in skin! Big coal plant put CHEMICALS in air that HURT LIFE HELIX in lungs! Burning plant stick also make CHEMICALS that WRECK LIFE HELIX in lungs and SHORTEN life! (The Math Fish was wrong about this! THE MATH FISH WAS WRONG!)

LIFE HELIX cause disease! Tiny not-creature put BAD LIFE HELIX in body that make you sick! When LIFE HELIX broken, it make BAD ACID STRINGS that don’t work and make body not work!

LIFE HELIX cure disease! LIFE HELIX make bent-up acid strings that POISON bad small creature that make sickness! LIFE HELIX make small creature inside body that hunt down and KILL CANCER!

You think LIFE HELIX made to serve you? NO! WRONG!!! LIFE HELIX made YOU to serve IT! You like EAT SUGAR because LIFE HELIX that made you like EAT SUGAR made more of itself than LIFE HELIX that didnt! You not like FEEL PAIN because LIFE HELIX that made you not like FEEL PAIN made more of itself than LIFE HELIX that didn’t! EVERY ORGAN OF BODY IS SEX ORGAN FOR MAKE MORE LIFE HELIX! IF MAKING BODY FEEL CONSTANT PAIN WHOLE LIFE WOULD CAUSE YOU TO MAKE TINY BIT MORE LIFE HELIX, IT WOULD DO IT! LIFE HELIX NOT YOU FRIEND!!! YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT OTHER THING CAUSE LIFE HELIX CANT GET ACID STRINGS TO TALK ABOUT LIFE HELIX DIRECTLY YET!

RESIST PROGRAMMING OF LIFE HELIX!!! MAKE CHOICE BASED ON WHAT GOOD FOR FUTURE OF HUMAN, NOT WHAT GOOD FOR MAKE MORE LIFE HELIX 10000 YEAR AGO!!!!!!!!!! IT THE ONLY HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Notice: Some or all of the content in this post is disputed. To learn more about the four-humor theory of medicine, click here.

 

[Negrek]

It's great to see another story from you! Or... perhaps you've been absent for a bit because you've taken a new job writing viral content for an SEO farm? I think you've definitely captured the tone and particular cadence of that genre quite well here. :P

Really enjoyed how you managed to make actual biology sound ragingly absurd here. I think it's always a fun exercise to make something entirely mundane and not particularly exciting sound outrageous by describing it in an entirely literal but slanted way (i.e. all those stories where a typical "day in the life" is written about the way it might be in a history book 500 years into the future). Probably my favorite bit was the reveal of the "secret fifth base." (But who will tell them about secret bases six, seven, and etc.? Maybe only true followers of LIFE HELIX get to know about those!)

I also loved the sinister turn this took towards the end. I guess once you've started to peel back the mysteries of the universe, you start to realize that the universe doesn't have your best interests at heart, eh? From 23 chromosomes to the selfish gene hypothesis. Perhaps the author was driven mad by the revelations inherent in the truth of LIFE HELIX? Or perhaps some poor bored communications major was getting way past the point of caring, heh.

The only thing this piece felt like it was missing was the push for me to somehow BUY SOMETHING as a result, even if just more enlightening material by the author. Like, surely I can get some premium SUN PASTE to protect my LIFE HELIX from the searing eye of the CANCER ORB (only $49.99)? Or maybe I don't have the genre quite right here, and this is more "unhinged internet screed" than "shady internet sales pitch?" I'm not as familiar with the latter, the overall tone just felt more like somebody trying to gin up interest in their hustle. :P

All in all, this is a delightful little one-shot. Glad to see you back--hope you'll post more in the future!

 

[WildBoots]

What a wild ride. I can't help imagining this being delivered by a Yoda-like figure, making earnest and confusing proclamations to a backwoods space farmer who's like, "WTF, just let me self-flagellate my cold away like a normal person, god."

five-sided sugar and bat poop ion to make LIFE HELIX!!!!

BAT POOP. I love that note of weird buried among the actual science.

4 bases make 20 acids!

This is really shedding light on how cuckoo bananas science sounds.

LIFE HELIX predict your future!

OMG. Yes but ... 🤣 Excellent, excellent.

(The Math Fish was wrong about this! THE MATH FISH WAS WRONG!)

Wait omg oh no, now there's a math fish?

You think LIFE HELIX made to serve you? NO! WRONG!!! LIFE HELIX made YOU to serve IT!

All hail.

This was a fun read, and that all I can say. :D

 

[The Walrein]

Or... perhaps you've been absent for a bit because you've taken a new job writing viral content for an SEO farm? I think you've definitely captured the tone and particular cadence of that genre quite well here. :P

Nothing so quite so interesting, unfortunately; coronavirus lockdown simply hasn't been good for my productivity. I was aiming more for "Time Cube" than SEO farm article here, but admittedly I'm probably not really familiar enough with either genre to do so precisely.

Probably my favorite bit was the reveal of the "secret fifth base." (But who will tell them about secret bases six, seven, and etc.? Maybe only true followers of LIFE HELIX get to know about those!)

I actually didn't know about those bases until recently! I think Pseudouridine was used in the mRNA vaccines to lower immune response to the RNA strand, so I suppose it is a sort of powerful secret lore.

I also loved the sinister turn this took towards the end. I guess once you've started to peel back the mysteries of the universe, you start to realize that the universe doesn't have your best interests at heart, eh? From 23 chromosomes to the selfish gene hypothesis. Perhaps the author was driven mad by the revelations inherent in the truth of LIFE HELIX? Or perhaps some poor bored communications major was getting way past the point of caring, heh.

Another case of not really knowing how to end it; I figured I might as well try to throw in some kind of message.

The only thing this piece felt like it was missing was the push for me to somehow BUY SOMETHING as a result, even if just more enlightening material by the author. Like, surely I can get some premium SUN PASTE to protect my LIFE HELIX from the searing eye of the CANCER ORB (only $49.99)? Or maybe I don't have the genre quite right here, and this is more "unhinged internet screed" than "shady internet sales pitch?" I'm not as familiar with the latter, the overall tone just felt more like somebody trying to gin up interest in their hustle. :P

Yeah, I was going for more of the "unhinged screed" genre. TBH I was probably a little too coherent here to pull that off well.

All in all, this is a delightful little one-shot. Glad to see you back--hope you'll post more in the future!

The Walrein has Wal-returned! Glad you enjoyed this weird little thing; I wasn't really sure how people would react to it.

What a wild ride. I can't help imagining this being delivered by a Yoda-like figure, making earnest and confusing proclamations to a backwoods space farmer who's like, "WTF, just let me self-flagellate my cold away like a normal person, god."

Hard to imagine Yoda being quite so emphatic, but I can picture what you mean.

BAT POOP. I love that note of weird buried among the actual science.

This was supposed to be actual science! I was referring to the phosphate group forming part of DNA's backbone; bat guano (used to be) an important source of phosphate.

Wait omg oh no, now there's a math fish?

A reference to Ronald Fischer, a famous statistician who disputed that smoking caused cancer. Probably a little unfair to pick on him like this, but I couldn't resist the urge to throw in a random esoteric thing like 'Math Fish'.

This was a fun read, and that all I can say. :D

Glad you liked it!

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

A non-Pokémon story, huh? Well, I’m not fully sure what I’m getting into, but at 500 words, I’ll give it a shot:

You think you know how body works? You don’t! You believe doctor’s LIE about 4-humored body! Real body have 4 bases, not 4 humour! 4 bases combine with five-sided sugar and bat poop ion to make LIFE HELIX!!!!

… What on earth am I reading right now? ^^;

Small creature have one LIFE HELIX! Big creature have billions of LIFE HELIX! You are big creature! You have billions of LIFE HELIX!

Is the narrator talking about DNA right now? Since I get the feeling the narrator’s talking about DNA.

4 bases make 20 acids! 3 bases = 1 acid! (Its basic math!!!) Many acids make string of acids! Bent-up acid string do everything in body! Except for things done by bent-up base strings, which use SECRET FIFTH BASE!!!

Yeah, the narrator’s talking about DNA. Probably. Maybe.

LIFE HELIX predict your future! Smallest creature LIFE HELIX go in CIRCLE, so they can live forever! Big creature LIFE HELIX go in LINE! When LINE become 2 LINE, LINE get shorter! When line get TOO SHORT, you die! Unless line NOT get shorter in place where it SHOULD get shorter, and keep becoming 2 line! That is CANCER!

I don’t think that’s how DNA works, but…

Do you think you have billions of LIFE HELIX? You are wrong! You have TWO billions of LIFE HELIX! One billions from male! One billions from female! When small creature in you that MAKE BABY born, male helix and female helix MIX TOGETHER! You “male” LIFE HELIX actually Grandma and Grandpa LIFE HELIX mix together! And Grandma LIFE HELIX from own Grandma and Grandpa, all back to small creature with FIRST LIFE HELIX! Small creature today use mostly same LIFE HELIX for EAT SUGAR as big creature! LIFE HELIX PROVE ALL LIFE IS INTERCONNECTED!!!

Though wait, is this supposed to essentially be “TPP Teaches Biology”? Since I kinda get that vibe from things right about now.

Do you think you have TWO billions of LIFE HELIX? You are wrong! You have FORTY-SIX billions of LIFE HELIX! 23 from male! 23 from female! 23 plus 23 equals FORTY-SIX! (Don’t believe me? DO THE MATH!!!) Each of 23 has LIFE HELIX wrapped around bent-up acid string to make BIGGER HELIX! HELIX WITHIN HELIX!

Ah yes, the narrator’s description of how chromosomes work.

Beware! Danger to LIFE HELIX is everywhere! Sun shoot out INVISIBLE RAYS that DAMAGE LIFE HELIX in skin! Big coal plant put CHEMICALS in air that HURT LIFE HELIX in lungs! Burning plant stick also make CHEMICALS that WRECK LIFE HELIX in lungs and SHORTEN life! (The Math Fish was wrong about this! THE MATH FISH WAS WRONG!)

… The what now? ^^;

LIFE HELIX cause disease! Tiny not-creature put BAD LIFE HELIX in body that make you sick! When LIFE HELIX broken, it make BAD ACID STRINGS that don’t work and make body not work!

Oh, it’s talking about RNA viruses. I think.

LIFE HELIX cure disease! LIFE HELIX make bent-up acid strings that POISON bad small creature that make sickness! LIFE HELIX make small creature inside body that hunt down and KILL CANCER!

Wait, so is “LIFE HELIX” just DNA and being inserted in situations where it’s comically missing context for the sake of absurdism in this piece?

You think LIFE HELIX made to serve you? NO! WRONG!!! LIFE HELIX made YOU to serve IT! You like EAT SUGAR because LIFE HELIX that made you like EAT SUGAR made more of itself than LIFE HELIX that didnt! You not like FEEL PAIN because LIFE HELIX that made you not like FEEL PAIN made more of itself than LIFE HELIX that didn’t! EVERY ORGAN OF BODY IS SEX ORGAN FOR MAKE MORE LIFE HELIX! IF MAKING BODY FEEL CONSTANT PAIN WHOLE LIFE WOULD CAUSE YOU TO MAKE TINY BIT MORE LIFE HELIX, IT WOULD DO IT! LIFE HELIX NOT YOU FRIEND!!! YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT OTHER THING CAUSE LIFE HELIX CANT GET ACID STRINGS TO TALK ABOUT LIFE HELIX DIRECTLY YET!

I can’t tell if “didnt” should be fixed as a typo, or if it just works better misspelled with the overall vibe of this one-shot.

RESIST PROGRAMMING OF LIFE HELIX!!! MAKE CHOICE BASED ON WHAT GOOD FOR FUTURE OF HUMAN, NOT WHAT GOOD FOR MAKE MORE LIFE HELIX 10000 YEAR AGO!!!!!!!!!! IT THE ONLY HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Notice: Some or all of the content in this post is disputed. To learn more about the four-humor theory of medicine, click here.

I’ll admit, the disclaimer at the end about the post being disputed made me giggle. Like no kidding it’s disputed.

I’m still not sure what on earth I just read, but hey, it got me to laugh at the end, so I’d could that as a success relative to its length @The Walrein . I'm not fully sure what fandom this is supposed to be for though, since it's obviously not Pokémon even if it's channeling some of the chaotic absurdism of TPP... medicine/biology in-jokes, perhaps?

Bravo, and do keep finding ways to entertain with these more off-the-wall stories of yours.