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Maybe describing the golem-body in a little more detail? Color alone would do it, but it also occurs to me that by virtue of being handmade, Shy might look different from a typical golurk and that might be fun to see. Has Astra seen one before? Sounds like they're rare in Orre. I catch myself...

This highlights how the body is also a loss for him in ways I hadn’t considered. Unsure of the tenses in this. Sounds like this is from before they lost her body, pre-Agate visit, but also it doesn’t seem like emerald necklaces would be common in the wastes. Oooh nice. Nice — feels very true...

Ch 5 -- *have to focus? Can't tell yet if Astra is "dream-woman" or not. Unclear if this is aimed at Astra or Shy. Oof. This one felt vague, not in a helpful way. Like this. ❤ Also reminds me, weirdly, of that bit Daniel Sloss does about relationships and puzzle pieces. Should this be the...

Finally replying to Ch4 -- I really enjoyed seeing more of the relationship between Astra and Asi. The way it "talks," but only in impressions. The way she definitely is forced into action by it... but killing Rin was clearly her own mistake. She's out of control. She seems really torn-up...

I hope you don't think I'm being snooty or that I dislike the story because I'm picking at individual lines, because those are not my feelings at all. BUT, I think this would be stronger if it read In the ten seconds before Vajrin bleeds out, Shy weighs... Still gives you the call-back to the...

Just line by line reactions here for Ch2. — [In the ten seconds afforded to her before her neck bleeds out into the dirt, she remembered ten years.] “Her neck” is getting too much agency here. Could just be “before she bleeds out into the dirt.” [They walked on eggshells around each other...

Responding to Chapter 1. First and foremost, love the chapter titles. Juicy stuff on the horizon. Wondering why the title for this one uses “your” though. I also love that we’re starting with this fucked up honedge, a pokémon that never stimulated my imagination until encountering it in fic...