Pokémon You Wouldn't Steal a Car (but Volkner would)

[Torchic W. Pip]

A one shot crackfic.

Volkner scrolled through OpenSurf, scanning every image like a Honchkrow searching for prey.

Litlazy, Chimlazy...

And then he found it: CryptoChus.

Pikachu had been corrupted into a vile, disgusting, ugly creature. 5,000 creatures, to be exact. All randomly generated to have varying colors, expressions, severity of gingivitis, and brands of beer.

Volkner had found his prey, and he prepared his wings and beak to strike.

Right click.

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CryptoChu_1.png

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You wouldn't steal a car

You wouldn't steal a handbag

You wouldn't steal a television

You wouldn't steal a movie

“You wouldn’t steal a Pokémon, Volkner.”

The young man turned around. The ghost of Cyrus was standing over him, looming like a Giratina about to drag him into Hell. The only problem was that Volkner was already in Hell. He had danced down there, and he would dance back up.

“I would,” Volkner stated. "From Team Galactic."

“You wouldn’t pirate anime.”

“I have.”

Downloading pirated films is stealing

"You're committing a crime."

"That doesn't make it wrong. Or not funny."

Cyrus stamped his foot.

“You think you’re a smart aleck, don’t you? You don’t own the image. You don’t own the blockchain. You think you’ve gotten a checkmate, but you’re still struggling with checkers.”

“I’m not doing this for the blockchain. I don't care about the blockchain. And for the record, checkers is a good game."

“Then what are you doing this for?”

“To make crypto bros mad.”

“What do you gain from angering others? Do you feel some sick satisfaction from annoying those above you on the social ladder?”

“Well, I feel something. Maybe it’s satisfaction.”

“I hate you.”

-

stealing

Roark looked to the left and looked to the right, then tiptoed down the dark alleyway. He flinched at the cawing of a Murkrow, but after a few seconds of making sure the coast was clear, he continued into the dark.

is

He came upon a cloaked figure. He whispered, “You got the goods?” to it.

against

The figure opened his trench coat.

the law

“I can sell them to you wholesale," Volkner replied in a low voice.

"All right."

PIRACY. IT'S A CRIME

 

[Pen]

Hey Torchic, I noticed you had written this highly serious fic about Volkner and intellectual property law, two things I greatly enjoy, so naturally it was incumbent upon me to check it out. I'm not sure this was the intended implication, but I am now fully convinced that Cyrus funded Team Galactic through Chu NFTs. It all makes so much sense and it is the kind of corrupt and dastardly scheme that surely could only be envisioned by a souless genius such as Cyrus (who definitely checks out as a crypto bro.) Volkner is not a criminal, he is a freedom fighter, helping the cause by undercutting Team Galactic's NFT reign. While he may not be fully aware of the part he is playing in the grand scheme of things, Roarke too is making a contribution. The mental image of Volkner opening his trenchcoat to sell Chu NFTs was pretty funny, as was Cyrus popping up like a kind of reverse Ghost of Christmas Past. I'm not sure what gave you the idea for this, but NFTS, Volkner and Cyrus were never something I really thought about before in the same sentence, and now I have, so thank you for that.

Pikachu had been corrupted into a vile, disgusting, ugly creature. 5,000 creatures, to be exact. All randomly generated to have varying colors, expressions, severity of gingivitis, and brands of beer.

Now that's an image I'm not going to thank you for putting in my mind.

“You wouldn’t pirate anime.”

“I have.”

The flex right here.

“You think you’re a smart alec, don’t you? You don’t own the image. You don’t own the blockchain. You think you’ve gotten a checkmate, but you’re still struggling with checkers.”

“I’m not doing this for the blockchain. I don't care about the blockchain. And for the record, checkers is a good game."

The dialogue's honestly pretty snappy here. I like how deadpan Volkner seems to be during this whole conversation.

“Then what are you doing this for?”

“To make crypto bros mad.”

An excellent reason, honestly. I think Volkner has his priorities straight in this fic.

 

[Torchic W. Pip]

Hey Torchic, I noticed you had written this highly serious fic about Volkner and intellectual property law, two things I greatly enjoy, so naturally it was incumbent upon me to check it out. I'm not sure this was the intended implication, but I am now fully convinced that Cyrus funded Team Galactic through Chu NFTs. It all makes so much sense and it is the kind of corrupt and dastardly scheme that surely could only be envisioned by a souless genius such as Cyrus (who definitely checks out as a crypto bro.) Volkner is not a criminal, he is a freedom fighter, helping the cause by undercutting Team Galactic's NFT reign. While he may not be fully aware of the part he is playing in the grand scheme of things, Roarke too is making a contribution.

Thanks for getting a chuckle out of me with this serious analysis.
Also yes, Team Galactic was funded by NFTs.

The mental image of Volkner opening his trenchcoat to sell Chu NFTs was pretty funny, as was Cyrus popping up like a kind of reverse Ghost of Christmas Past.

Oh good I did the funny

I'm not sure what gave you the idea for this, but NFTS, Volkner and Cyrus were never something I really thought about before in the same sentence, and now I have, so thank you for that.

Long story short, I was talking about writing more Volkner fics ideas on another forum and NFTs on another Discord server.

Now that's an image I'm not going to thank you for putting in my mind.

Want an even worse image? Thicc Pokémon NFTs.

The flex right here.

He pirates everything.

The dialogue's honestly pretty snappy here. I like how deadpan Volkner seems to be during this whole conversation.

Hell yeah, I got Volkner's dialogue done good.

An excellent reason, honestly. I think Volkner has his priorities straight in this fic.

Sure does.

 

[ShiniGojira]

Hi there, Torchic! Hope you're having a lovely day!

And with this review. I can say for sure that Cyrus selling NFTs is gonna be on my mind for a while especially since his goals were to- what? Create a new universe? Now I'm just imagining a world where everything Cyrus does is NFT-related and that is not something I thought I'd see. Also, it's pretty funny that Volkner is seen as an internet troll here since that feels like something he'd actually do.

And the surprise Roark cameo at the end was nice, I love imagining them acting like drug sellers, makes for a pretty funny image.

And then he found it: CryptoChus.

Pikachu had been corrupted into a vile, disgusting, ugly creature. 5,000 creatures, to be exact. All randomly generated to have varying colors, expressions, severity of gingivitis, and brands of beer.

God, this image was not something I'd want to see. Why?

The young man turned around. The ghost of Cyrus was standing over him, looming like a Giratina about to drag him into Hell. The only problem was that Volkner was already in Hell. He had danced down there, and he would dance back up.

Spooky Cyrus here about to drag ya to NFT hell.

“You wouldn’t pirate anime.”

“I have.”

This made me chuckle at how serious Ghost Cyrus is here while Volkner just doesn't give a damn.

Cyrus stamped his foot.

“You think you’re a smart alec, don’t you? You don’t own the image. You don’t own the blockchain. You think you’ve gotten a checkmate, but you’re still struggling with checkers.”

Man, I can't believe this sentence could actually come from a real person. It's funny but it made me realise how weird some people can be.

“What do you gain from angering others? Do you feel some sick satisfaction from annoying those above you on the social ladder?”

“Well, I feel something. Maybe it’s satisfaction.”

“I hate you.”

Internet troll Volkner is so strangely in-character.

Roark looked to the left and looked to the right, then tiptoed down the dark alleyway. He flinched at the cawing of a Murkrow, but after a few seconds of making sure the coast was clear, he continued into the dark.

Yo, it's the miner Boi himself.

This scene is a fun little surprise, both of them acting so serious about NFTs is great.

“I can sell them to you wholesale," Volkner replied in a low voice.

"All right."

Volkner wearing a trench coat and talking like this is funny to imagine.

Anyway, this made for a fun, mindless read. Don't know what was going on in your mind when you made this but bravo this was great.

Take care, Torchic! And hope you a better future in your endeavors!

 

[Torchic W. Pip]

Hi there, Torchic! Hope you're having a lovely day!

So far so good! Hope you're having a good day, too!

And with this review. I can say for sure that Cyrus selling NFTs is gonna be on my mind for a while especially since his goals were to- what? Create a new universe? Now I'm just imagining a world where everything Cyrus does is NFT-related and that is not something I thought I'd see. Also, it's pretty funny that Volkner is seen as an internet troll here since that feels like something he'd actually do.

Good. Cyrus cryptobro is in your mind.

And the surprise Roark cameo at the end was nice, I love imagining them acting like drug sellers, makes for a pretty funny image.

Roark time, baby

God, this image was not something I'd want to see. Why?

Wy naut?

Spooky Cyrus here about to drag ya to NFT hell.

"My perfect universe didn't happen. I went to hell, and so will you."

This made me chuckle at how serious Ghost Cyrus is here while Volkner just doesn't give a damn.

Hell yeah. I did the funny."

Man, I can't believe this sentence could actually come from a real person. It's funny but it made me realise how weird some people can be.

I know right

Internet troll Volkner is so strangely in-character.

He's a troll with morals.

Yo, it's the miner Boi himself.

This scene is a fun little surprise, both of them acting so serious about NFTs is great.

There's a concept of serious humor, or the concept of the comedy in treating absurd situations seriously. Fricking love that, and I'm glad I did it good here.

Volkner wearing a trench coat and talking like this is funny to imagine.

(:

Anyway, this made for a fun, mindless read. Don't know what was going on in your mind when you made this but bravo this was great.

Neither do I lol

Take care, Torchic! And hope you a better future in your endeavors!

You too, friend!

 

[Venia Silente]

Listen.

With a title like this, I couldn't *not* comment on this story! It's a story that in certain ways can't possibly make sense, yet it does. I loved the obvious social commentary ("to make crypto bros mad" et al) and I also loved how there are various wording choices that I feel were put there to suggest there is something beyond this crackfic being crackfic, such as using Honchkrow specifically for the allegory of the hunt, or putting emphasis on stealing physical items which is what Team Rocket did, or dancing back up from Hell (a reference from an early 00s anime motivational copypasta if I recall correctly?), and *specifically* avoiding mentioning what the goods are in a scene where Volkner opens up his trenchcoat to Roark.

... or who knows? Maybe I'm reading into this too much? Still, how about this? For only $12.20 Veniacoins you can get my very own unique, minted and otherwise untraceable iceberg meme interpretation of this story! /s

Anyway, kudos for this story. It's a good laugh, it has a kind of lingering effect (the more if you jump into internet culture news sites right afterwards, such as last week's archive of Ars Technica news), it gives us Cyrus being Extra and honestly it is a sickly reminder of such memes of old as "you wouldn't download a car" (and, from what I hear about US internet, you definitively would not, over those rural / Comcast lines!).

Fare well, thanks for the laughs, and may your future reviews be properly mined into the ledger.

 

[Torchic W. Pip]

Listen.

With a title like this, I couldn't *not* comment on this story!

Hell yeah, I did titles right

It's a story that in certain ways can't possibly make sense, yet it does.

I did the funny right. Good.

I loved the obvious social commentary ("to make crypto bros mad" et al) and I also loved how there are various wording choices that I feel were put there to suggest there is something beyond this crackfic being crackfic, such as using Honchkrow specifically for the allegory of the hunt, or putting emphasis on stealing physical items which is what Team Rocket did, or dancing back up from Hell (a reference from an early 00s anime motivational copypasta if I recall correctly?), and *specifically* avoiding mentioning what the goods are in a scene where Volkner opens up his trenchcoat to Roark.

Not sure what copypasta you're referring to, but I'm intrigued.

... or who knows? Maybe I'm reading into this too much? Still, how about this? For only $12.20 Veniacoins you can get my very own unique, minted and otherwise untraceable iceberg meme interpretation of this story! /s

Hey, if you have any sort of interpretation or reading of this fic or any of mine, it means I've written a story engaging enough for people to ineract with it like that.

Anyway, kudos for this story. It's a good laugh, it has a kind of lingering effect (the more if you jump into internet culture news sites right afterwards, such as last week's archive of Ars Technica news), it gives us Cyrus being Extra and honestly it is a sickly reminder of such memes of old as "you wouldn't download a car" (and, from what I hear about US internet, you definitively would not, over those rural / Comcast lines!).

Feels so surreal to call that commercial a meme. I remember watching it every time we watched Strawberry Shortcake on DVD, and it always lingered in my mind. Man, life is strange.

Fare well, thanks for the laughs, and may your future reviews be properly mined into the ledger.

And you as well, comrade.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya @Just a Torchic ,

Doing a blind read of another story of yours, since I found the one I read last night to be pretty funny, and why not? Though anyhow, let's get right down to things.

Volkner scrolled through OpenSurf, scanning every image like a Honchkrow searching for prey.

Litlazy, Chimlazy...

And then he found it: CryptoChus.

Pikachu had been corrupted into a vile, disgusting, ugly creature. 5,000 creatures, to be exact. All randomly generated to have varying colors, expressions, severity of gingivitis, and brands of beer.

Oh lordy, it's an OC generator site. I can already feel the cringe.

Volkner had found his prey, and he prepared his wings and beak to strike.

Right click.

Safe Image As.

CryptoChu_1.png

Save to Desktop.

Save.

So did he literally press the mouse with his nose given the 'beak' comment?

You wouldn't steal a car

You wouldn't steal a handbag

You wouldn't steal a television

You wouldn't steal a movie

“You wouldn’t steal a Pokémon, Volkner.”

Volkner: "... It's a PNG from the internet. Seriously, who on earth is even saying this?" >_>;

The young man turned around. The ghost of Cyrus was standing over him, looming like a Giratina about to drag him into Hell. The only problem was that Volkner was already in Hell. He had danced down there, and he would dance back up.

“I would,” Volkner stated. "From Team Galactic."

Volkner: "Also these are literally poorly drawn OCs, I'm sure the creator will live.

“You wouldn’t pirate anime.”

“I have.”

Downloading pirated films is stealing

"You're committing a crime."

"That doesn't make it wrong. Or not funny."

Small typo there. Though Volkner isn't wrong there. :V

Cyrus stamped his foot.

“You think you’re a smart aleck, don’t you? You don’t own the image. You don’t own the blockchain. You think you’ve gotten a checkmate, but you’re still struggling with checkers.”

Oh no, it's a NFT fic.

“I’m not doing this for the blockchain. I don't care about the blockchain. And for the record, checkers is a good game."

“Then what are you doing this for?”

“To make crypto bros mad.”

I mean, that sounds like as good a reason to "copy" an NFTed image, yeah.

“What do you gain from angering others? Do you feel some sick satisfaction from annoying those above you on the social ladder?”

“Well, I feel something. Maybe it’s satisfaction.”

“I hate you.”

Volkner: "How do you even know about NFTs anyways? I thought you were stuck in a whole different dimension since 2008 or something like that."

Cyrus:

stealing

Roark looked to the left and looked to the right, then tiptoed down the dark alleyway. He flinched at the cawing of a Murkrow, but after a few seconds of making sure the coast was clear, he continued into the dark.

is

He came upon a cloaked figure. He whispered, “You got the goods?” to it.

Roark: "... Volkner? Since when were you-?"
Volkner: "Look buddy, do you want the goods or not?"

against

The figure opened his trench coat.

the law

“I can sell them to you wholesale," Volkner replied in a low voice.

Roark: "Are these printouts of random images you found on the internet?"

Volkner: "Yes, and?"

"All right."

PIRACY. IT'S A CRIME

Hey man, if Volkner can talk other Gym Leaders into paying him for images he literally copied off the internet, I'd say he deserves the money for being a smooth talker. :V

Alright, I think my general thoughts about this short story of yours are similar to the ones that I had about your one about Giovanni's birthday. It's funny and it's got a sense of humor, even if it's a little on the "lol random" side, but it's kinda short (for reference, it's a full 100 words shorter than said Giovanni fic) and a bit lacking on details. Like I don't think you need to exactly make everything super vivid and descriptive, but being a bit more thorough with description opens doors to gags that are currently being left on the table. Like showing Volkner look around literal hell around him, shrug, and go back to happily yoinking NFTed images.

Though even with the quibbles I had, I thought it was a fun little bite-sized story. And I'm glad I took the time to read it. ^^

 

[Torchic W. Pip]

Doing a blind read of another story of yours, since I found the one I read last night to be pretty funny, and why not? Though anyhow, let's get right down to things.

The whiplash you’ll feel if you eventually read my other stuff

So did he literally press the mouse with his nose given the 'beak' comment?

Perhaps

Small typo there. Though Volkner isn't wrong there. :V

Oh shoot thanks

Alright, I think my general thoughts about this short story of yours are similar to the ones that I had about your one about Giovanni's birthday. It's funny and it's got a sense of humor, even if it's a little on the "lol random" side, but it's kinda short (for reference, it's a full 100 words shorter than said Giovanni fic) and a bit lacking on details. Like I don't think you need to exactly make everything super vivid and descriptive, but being a bit more thorough with description opens doors to gags that are currently being left on the table. Like showing Volkner look around literal hell around him, shrug, and go back to happily yoinking NFTed images.

Ooh good point. Thanks. I need to get better at descriptions.