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Pokémon Wandersword (redux)

love

Memento mori
Pronouns
he/him/it
Partners
  1. leafeon
Review for chapter 2

Princess is the best character.

Prim going "No actually fuck you we're getting the gogoat" somehow makes me think of like, replaying a video game and picking the weirdest build possible for the novelty. I think a carefree character also balances out the cast nicely. Chapter 1 was very unpleasant for Ferry, so it's nice that he finally gets to have a little fun.

On one hand, Prim's view of power—getting what you want without violence—is pragmatic, but I don't think Ferry is entirely wrong.

Not your emperor, Ferry thought. Not my old master. Not the men who conquered my people.

Strength really is all you need if you can get enough of it, and there are, and for a long time have been, people with enough of it to get basically whatever they want. Though usually, that "strength" doesn't come from magic, but money and influence. But Ferry (for now) has to accept that he simply doesn't get to play by the same rules as humans, least of all the really powerful ones.

I feel like Ferry wants dignity more than anything else, strictly speaking, but he sees physical power as the best or only way to get it.

Ferry comes across as younger in this version of the story, pouting about the ponyta and having to talk to the cleric. Which, sure, is a pain, but I imagine Prim is right when she says that talking to people who look down on him is basically going to be his whole life, so he'd better learn. I think Prim handles him maturely—she doesn't really press him after she's made her point, which I think a more spiteful person would have done. I believe her when she says she wants the best for him.

Ferry also shows hints of cruelty, beating the bandit near to death and wanting to intimidate a poor ponyta. In his mind, being nice just doesn't pay. Now that I think about it, forcing Ferry to act nice or putting him in a situation where he has to comfort someone else is an interesting idea.

More comments on this googledoc.

Anyhow, I hope to see the next chapter.
 

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
Here for Review Blitz! Read Chapter 1. Had to support Heroes after All's weird sister fic.

I need to start by saying this is a very, very diffrent intro compared to the old version, very diffrent events. On one hand it works a little worse because we don't get to see the plight of the blue aura doggos as clearly (not that you can''t see it in this version, they seem to be basically slaves, yikes) but on the other hand it gets us into the actionand core character relationships quickwer so... Overall an improvement I guess?

What we DO start with is scruffy Lucario Ferry being loaned off to tall armor lady (awooga) Prim, and Ferry's like "yes! this is an oppotunity to Train and become Stronger like any shounen actioin protagonist should!" But then Prim takes him out to the woods and tells him "bud I can't this is my last gig before I retire" and Ferry's like "fuck this ain't what i signed upm for"

So he gets pissy and is like "i'll show her" but the goat objects and then he reminisces about THE GOOD OLD DAYS with the LUCARIO ELDER that gave him GRYPTIC ADVICE about a GREAT DESTINY like a REAL PROTAGONIST.

During this Ferry is approached by another Lucario who is sus and vents because he's an impostor and specifically a Zoroark. I love positioning Zoroark and Lucario ass rivals of some kind, though here appartently Zoroark prey on Lucario and not the other way around? You'd think it'd be swapped but that's just me.

Anyway Prim has to save Ferry's ass after he does a whooshy aura thing and is like "mabye I should train you because you suck" and Ferry's likw "hell yeah I wanna do the whooshy Aura thing again"

But very fun fic so far. Looking forward to seeing more of these two dorks.
 

slamdunkrai

bing.com
Pronouns
they/them
Partners
  1. darkrai
  2. snom
Heya! Saw you had a new chapter out, and what better time to leave thoughts on it than while Blitz is ongoing. Congrats on the update!

Most of my thoughts about what I thought really worked here are expressed under the cut, but just in general, this is a great elaboration on both the dynamic between our two leads and the way of life that folks like Ferry are expected to lead — the way they're perceived as lesser to their human counterparts, their duties (and, in Ferry's case to start the chapter, the consequences of getting just a little to into it...), and even transport. Scout and Princess are both wonderful, by the way; the most trusty of hircine companions.

Once again, the little glimpses you provide towards the worldbuilding are great, and in particular I couldn't help but wonder about the deal with the Church of Man. Very unsubtle name, I have to admit, but I like it, considering the medieval/Renaissance-era advent of humanism was hardly a better name. I did find myself feeling slightly lost during the encounter with a certain blue-and-silver-eyed creature, which feels kinda like the point, in all honesty — you do a good job of building up the mystery of it all, but the descriptions for that built felt a little skeletal to the point where I had trouble picturing what was going on. YMMV with that though, because once again, given how mysterious the scene is supposed to be it feels like this is the intent.

Anyway! Line-by-lines.
Ferry was barely aware of himself as he smashed his fist into the bandit’s face over and over again.
...Well, shit, that's a hell of an opener considering where we left off last time. I'm here for it!
Ferry pulled himself off of him, disgusted now by the swollen, bloody face.
My god.
He couldn’t suppress the part of him that craved her approval. But what had he done wrong, anyway? Harmed a criminal who would have killed them?
Really good! Highlights a flaw in how Ferry sees the world, and his inability to dole out his strength accordingly. Like, on the one hand, this guy will no longer be hurting them; on the other, it feels as though Ferry's gotten lost in the adrenaline rush here, doing something that doesn't quite fit the crime. Big fan of how you're not afraid to draw attention to these gaps in his logic, especially as this is a story in no small part about him learning the ways of the world — he's got growing to do, and he's got Prim to help him work on it.
The tauros tied to his wagon snorted and pawed at a pass of grass sticking from the packed-dirt road
Should be "patch of grass", I think?
tripe tails
From the same line but I only noticed it after quoting that -- think you're missing an L here. That or Ferry just think these are real piece of shit tails. Just low-quality, half-shilling tails. No good.
He’d be like a real knight of his own accord.
Very big fan of this image. It also fits in nicely with how Ferry sees his ideal self -- someone who can be strong, but not necessarily powerful.
It was silly for him to wish for Prim to stay with him, he realized, and impractical. Their time together was a single step on his quest, a means to an end. He was here to become strong, to learn what he could from Prim, and there was only so much she could teach him. She was not a part of his greater plans, could not be by his side when he shaped the world to his will.
Also great.
Ferry supposed she had spent the last decade or two in proximity to a goat.
I wanna say this should be close proximity to make it more precise, but your call.
The skiddo’s eyes glimmered in response, ears flapping. “How about Idiot,” Ferry suggested, scowling.

“Don’t be a jerk,” Prim said. “Let’s call her… Princess.”
Lmfao your banter is unsurprisingly really fuckin good
“Don’t tell Prim, I said this,” Ferry said, tousling the skiddo’s head from behind, “but you’re not so bad after all.”
Unneeded comma in that first quote, but I love to see it...... finlaly, ferry lern the true power of frenchship......... :veelove:
“You are free to examine the… wares,” the merchant said. “Ensure they are to your satisfaction.”

“Mm. Examine.” Clothing rustled and wood creaked. “Good. Very good. The master will be pleased. We shall take them all. Yes.”

“Ah…,” the merchant said. “I would like to keep this one. Just the one.” A pause. “I have reason to believe it is… uniquely valuable.”
The dialogue in this bit is good. Evokes the right sort of atmosphere here: that of shady back-alley dealings that nobody is supposed to see, full of euphemisms that are lost on eavesdroppers.
The cleric made a straight face and gave Ferry a half-lidded stare. “The church is happy to aid wanderswords in any way it can. I am less enthused to service their… equipment,” he sneered.
Oof! That's no good. Fantasy racism is alive and well, huh. :/
“Twenty shillings.”

Prim cleared her throat. “Goodness.”
Very funny line. I don't intend this as a criticism, I should add, because it's not really a big deal (and feels intentional, tbh), but I don't have a frame of reference for what a shilling is in this world right now, so my feelling on the value of it is not far removed from the real world historical value of it. So it feels kinda like:
Cleric: "the bounty for this is five bucks"
Prim, voice suddenly lowering: "ouh... this is serious business, then..."
“I am preparing you for a time when I am not with you, preparing you to stand on your own.” She shoved him and he stumbled backward, gritting his teeth and staring back up at her with smoldering rage. “Can you stand on your own, Ferry? What are you without me? What would you have done just now if I wasn’t there?”

He wanted to lash out, retort with some scathing truth, but he retreated into himself instead, wilting and turning his head away. She towered over him, her gaze intense, and he felt very small in her shadow. “I don’t know,” he said, just above a whisper.
Poor guy. :(
He would not assimilate or adapt. He would create a home to return to. That’s what this was all about, that’s what she didn’t understand.
Going back to what I said earlier about Ferry still having some growing to do: one reason why that compels me so much is because his outlook is, at least to me, a lot more sympathetic than Prim's here. Both are understandable, and there's a clear duality here (Ferry is occupied with how the world should be, Prim with all her experience wants to get him used to how it is). She means well, of course, but as of right now she sees a home as something Ferry cannot have, even though I want to say that all people should have one, really. Great dynamic set up here, and great economy in setting it up as well.

Tl;dr: great stuff as ever! Cheers for writing this, and I am still eager to see where you're going with this. The amount of control you have over what you want to do with this story is remarkable, and it really feels your voice as a writer is coming through. :>
 

Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
  1. mew-adam
  2. celebi-shiny
  3. roserade-adam
Okay, just dropping by here to leave a review on Chapter 2 of Weav—I mean Wandersword. *Ahem*


So the chapter begins with Ferry beating the shit out of an unconscious bandit, which is as good a sign as any. I really like how you write Prim. She definitely feels like a woman who has lived a long life and developed a sagely air around her. One could even say that her portrayal is poggers.



In the second scene, I like how Prim is seeing the red flags in Ferry's thinking that having strength will solve all of his problems. I mean there are problems in life that one can't solve no matter how powerful they are, cuz things in life are more nuanced and all that. Like Prim said, strength isn't everything and Ferry will no doubt learn that in future chapters. Though for now he remains in denial.


The third scene was pretty fun, and now their squad has its very own princess!! I just love how the Skiddo is so full of energy, bashing into everything around her and just never sitting still. Bless her soul. Let's hope no whump in future chapters is going to traumatize this poor goat one way or the other.


Also, it's still pretty weird how there's sapient mon and much more animalistic ones. It's a much easier thing to brush and handwave in a pmd setting, ironically, than one with humans also in it. What's the criteria for pokemon intelligence? Is it an adaptation that develops over generations in a population of pokemon that are maybe exposed to humans a lot? Or is it species dependent? Could be some are galaxy brained like the Abra species and some are dumb as bricks, etc. I don't know the answer. It sounds like a hard question, and one I'm not entirely sure needs answering to begin with. It's just something I couldn't help but think about.


As for other things to talk about, I like the reveal of that ominous pokemon and the shady merchant from earlier. I'm afraid I wasn't able to tell what the pokemon was from the description, and I'm not sure if their species being hard to tell from the description was intentional or not.


Poor Ferry later goes to church to receive some nice dose of species discrimination™, and it turns out Prim is just exposing him to the harsh realities of life so he can learn to survive it on his own. Still kinda sad that they're destined to part ways… Though I doubt Prim will just disappear from the narrative even if she ends up becoming a much more minor character.


The alternative will be Ferry just leaving and then the rest of the story focuses on the chill life of a retired woman in a village somewhere, who's hung up her sword. And to be perfectly honest, I'd still read that. It sounds like a fun premise to explore in of itself lol.


Well that's most of my thoughts on this chapter. To wrap up this review, I have but one final question to ask. Next chapter when? Update fast pls.
 
Partners
  1. skiddo-steplively
  2. skiddo-px2
  3. skiddo-px3
  4. skiddo-iametrine
  5. skiddo-coolshades
  6. skiddo-rudolph
  7. skiddo-sleepytime
  8. snowskiddo
  9. skiddotina
  10. skiddengo
  11. skiddoyena
:veelove: Hello again! Huge congrats on getting the update out! This'll be a bit shorter and more meandering than previous bc brain's a bit uncooperative of late, but I hope it's helpful all the same!

the way they seemed to look without seeing, just barely hanging onto the last muddy inches of consciousness

"the last muddy inches of consciousness" is so good

She nudged Ferry out of her way and got on her knees and placed a pair of fingers on his wrist.

Think this got a little confused. I assume "his" here means the bandit? Which would then mean that she's checking his pulse, but she comments on his breathing? Should be simple enough to straighten out, mind.

So right out of the gate here we get some glimpses at what might be a sliiiiightly troubling relationship with violence. So easy to just zone out and pulverize an opponent on autopilot. And how much easier that will be once he has the strength he needs! Certainly easier than showing restraint to people who clearly don't deserve it.

I like how Ferry seems to be sensing Prim's wistfulness for the early days of her own knighthood, and perhaps some of the troubles she herself has gone through.

It didn't really occur to me in the first version that there were likely other mon societies beyond Lucar and Fetchsheim—like, I expected there to be other sapient pokémon species, but for some reason my brain never made the rest of that leap. Maybe the zoroark threw me off back then, iunno. I'm curious to see which others we might meet, and the specifics of what happened to them. (Also wonder who it was the humans freed themselves from, so long ago. Other humans, or pokémon?)

i literally said "oh no baby tauros" out loud when you mentioned the juvenile tauros lmfao

but then who cares, because SKIDDO

i have no other thoughts about this sequence except SKIDDO, thank you for blessing me with this precious being. forget lauchs, i am content. you could probably end the story here tbh

Looks like Ferry's sense that something was off about the merchant has led us on our first steps into the greater plot, hm? Including getting into some interesting stuff here with our first sableye! So interesting that a ghost(?) would have an aura that feels tangible, although perhaps that's more to do with this individual sableye than sableye auras in general. I'm also wondering who the familiar aura was. Ferry would probably would know right away if it were one of his regular packmates, but maybe a human who visited the master from time to time? (The brother? idk, wild pointless spitballing here. :P)

Church of Man

I'm sorry I have to laugh here, there's an RPG called Pugmire where the world is inhabited by uplifted house pets after humanity suddenly disappears, and the dogs literally have a religion called "the Church of Man" because Man was so good to them! And good things will continue to happen if they are Good Dogs! and it's just a total 180 from this and. ha. Sorry that is in no way relevant or helpful but that contrast is just funny to me. Pugmire Ferry would be a trip.

On a more serious note, it'll be interesting to see what's actually meant by "Church of Man". Obviously it's a church "for" men, but who do they venerate? This prophet himself? What god(s) might the prophet have been speaking for, and if they feel the need to explicitly call out "of Man" in the name of the religion, what does that say about this prophet's/deities alleged views on mon? Feels like they're waving a big ol' "this religion is not for you, dog-boy/ducks/smiley ghosts/etc." flag around, haha.

I really love the distinction Ferry makes between strength and power, unfortunately kinda right and yet still in this unhealthy way. I don't want to just make the asshole human respect me, I want to beat his face in with no repercussions. His concern for his family and his people is genuine, but it seems like his anger is strong enough that some part of him wants to actively correlate solving these problems with violence.

Things are starting to pick up, then! A mysterious deal, a goat-shaped potential wrench in any future plans, our first present-day signs of someone who's actively horrible to mon like Ferry, and a sense that Prim is seeing a bit more of her own experience in Ferry than she's letting on. This was mostly a pretty setup-y chapter, but it's raised a lot of fun questions and I'm eager to see their payoff down the road.

so yeah gud skiddo upd8 moar. and, uh, the rest of the fic too, ig.
 

Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
Big congrats on getting this one out, kyeugh!

Opening with the bandit fight was an effective way to establish that Ferry's been training. I do wonder if getting a short snippet of combat before Ferry is in the punch-until-bloody position would help establish that he's using techniques and skills he's been taught--as is, he could have been whaling on an opponent that Prim had already disarmed. The point where Ferry disarms them and continues to fight might be an interesting one. Prim's remark about how he'd never have been able to take on a foe like that before felt a bit forced in terms of establishing progress, but otherwise I thought it did a nice job setting up how things have progressed since last chapter and showing Ferry's state of mind.

A major through-line in this is that Prim is trying to give Ferry the skills he needs to cope without her being there to protect him, and Ferry realizing this. There's a lot of emphasis on Prim's wistful aura, which seems to imply she could be second-guessing her retirement. I kind of wanted Ferry's thoughts on that to be more explicit. He's got a lot on the line based on when she stops being a Wandersword and I'd have thought he'd want to know how long he had--or to want to know that, but be making a conscious decision not to ask in the hope that that prolongs it. Prim agreed to train him so something like with the Zoroark wouldn't happen again. Ferry can punch out bandits now. Is he worried that his fighting progress means his grace period is almost up? It's interesting that Prim's trying to teach him to handle talking to a priest like that on his own. Ferry's still going to be a thrall after she's gone--seems like there's a high chance a new master wouldn't let Ferry do things like that on his own anyway. There's something pretty optimistic about what Prim's doing here. Then again, it could be a much more cynical attempt to show him that no matter how good in a brawl he is, everything drops away when he has to deal with the dominant species.

I liked the story Ferry shares. It's a simple one, but it illuminates his worldview really well. Fairness appears as something that could be achieved if you're strong enough to stop the bullies from beating you up and taking your pichu. But it doesn't solve the other aspect of his story, that the food being awarded based on who brings in pichu is being set by the masters, and there physical strength alone probably won't be enough.

Princess is obviously a very good girl and it was fun to see a crack in Prim's generally grim demeanor in that scene. I was surprised, though, that Ferry took being overruled here with such good grace. Prim offered him any mount he chose and then reneged on that for her own amusement. I feel like that's something that would really get to Ferry. He clearly trusted her enough to accept that she meant her offer, and then she didn't. He's not entitled to get a mount, and not entitled to pick it, but she said that he could. Obviously for Prim it's a humorous moment, but I would have expected to see a more negative reaction from Ferry.

We've got a bit of a mystery shaping up with the purple mon and the merchant's significant-pause-wares. My first guess is some kind of trafficking of sentient beings, though it's a little hard to know where that line is in this world, since some mon (like the ponyta, mudbray, skiddo) basically seem to be animals and others (lucario, zoroark, mystery psychic type) are not. The dynamic between the purple mon and the merchant reminded me a bit of your golette oneshot.

I really liked the confrontation with the priest. It's a real slap in the face for Ferry and a reminder that his one-on-one combat skills don't mean anything when faced with systemic marginalization. I thought it might have been interesting to tie Ferry's fantasy of violence there to the one he lived out against the bandits. Was punching the bandit satisfying? Would punching the priest be more satisfying?

One change from the original that I am greatly enjoying is the choice to have Prim be experienced and world-weary, rather than a young hotshot. She's able to be tender at moments without losing any of her stoicism. The way the priest responds to her did a really nice job showing that she comes across as someone worthy of respect. Since this has all been from Ferry's POV so far, aspects of her remain mysterious, but it's clear she feels a sense of responsibility towards Ferry.

The prose read very nicely in this, and I enjoyed the scene setting throughout, particularly the pen of all the different mounts. It's interesting that Ferry claims to have no interest in power, but his choice would have been a timid ponyta that he thought would be easier to train and discipline--a relationship where he would clearly be the one with the power. I thought the through line of Ferry's thoughts about strength tied the chapter together and made it feel self-contained. This felt like a good place to set the second chapter--I didn't feel like I missed out from the time skip. I was still a little hazy on how Ferry feels about Prim--at the end of the chapter he thinks of her as a friend, but he also doesn't want to tell her he'd like her to stay. Thus far all the gestures of friendship have come from Prim's side of things, which isn't surprising. I'll be curious to see if Ferry does make an reciprocal gestures of friendship and what form those will take.

in conclusion, gud fic upd8t mor!


Ferry was barely aware of himself as he smashed his fist into the bandit’s face over and over again.

As a riolu, he had spent many mornings laying in the grass as his elders hunted. He’d stared up at the sky, absently transfixed by the shapes of the clouds and their steady passage across the pale blue sky. Now he was similarly entranced by the play of the light through the oak canopy overhead on the bandit’s glassy, hazel-rimmed eyes—the way they seemed to look without seeing, just barely hanging onto the last muddy inches of consciousness—and the sharp whipping of his head back and forth with each blow, the neck muscles strained, the teeth and lips slick with blood.

He heard someone calling his name, but it sounded distant, like he was hearing it through a dream. It wasn’t until his fist was intercepted mid-swing that he came back to himself.
I like how you used Ferry's focus on the light to get across Ferry's dissociation during the violence. I do think it might be a bit more powerful if you don't give the game away in the first line. We're told "Ferry was barely aware of himself" from the outset, which paradoxically makes it seem like he's aware he's not aware of himself. Dropping that would open with the violence, and then let the contrast of how Ferry is feeling at the moment emerge, and finally be ruptured by Prim speaking.

His eyes meandered to the bandit Prim had dispatched. He almost seemed to be sleeping peacefully. The only sign of a struggle was a tear in his shirt and the welt on his forehead.

Perhaps, His eyes meandered to the bandit Prim had dispatched. Slumped on the ground, the man could have been sleeping: the only sign of a struggle was a tear in his shirt and the welt on his forehead.

His wiry limbs didn’t seem to match his portly frame.
I'm a bit confused on what wiry limbs and a portly frame would even look like--your limbs make up your frame.

“No payment?” Ferry whispered.

“Always the material one,” Prim chided.
This exchange felt a little forced.

She nudged Ferry out of her way and got on her knees and placed a pair of fingers on his wrist.
Perhaps, Nudging Ferry out of her way, she got on her knees and placed a pair of fingers on his wrist. (Lot of ands in this paragraph.)

He’d be like a real knight of his own accord.
"of his own accord" is confusing here.

There was a strange timbre to Prim’s aura right now—something like joy, something like sorrow, mostly unlike either. He had sensed it a few times before, usually when they spoke about the future. It was almost wistful.

He couldn’t help but feel like that emotion was bigger than him, but he dared to hope a little. It was plain that Prim was weary of the hard life of a wandersword—she’d said as much when they first met. But the thought of her retirement was worrying to him. When she hung up her sword, he would be transferred to some other wandersword, and there were no guarantees that they wouldn’t abuse and degrade him however they saw fit. That seemed to be the default treatment of mon, by his assessment. Her retirement could turn his life into a living hell, subject to the whims of a cruel and arbitrary master—and unlike his life at the manor, he would not have his family to support him. He wouldn’t admit it to her, but privately he wanted nothing more than to stay, for his sake.
I get the gist of this, I think--Ferry is sensing wistfulness in Prim's aura and hoping it means she doesn't want to retire, because her retiring would be bad for him. But sentence-to-sentence the logic of his thoughts is a bit jumbled here. It feels like you're tip-toeing around Ferry directly thinking that Prim's wistfulness could mean she doesn't want to retire, even though that seems to be what motivates this train of thought.

Ferry was tiring of failure. He looked at his hands with frustration, imagined them engulfed in blue flame. Had that night really happened?
This made me wonder how far we are from chapter one in time. Since he's thinking about how hard he's tried to replicate the magic from that night, this feels like an easy place to slip in how long he's been trying for.

The people with the strength to dominate others got what they wanted. That was the way of the world. If it could be true for others, it could be true for him.
That's definitely an attitude that checks out based on Ferry's experiences.

;)

“My god,” Prim said, a huge smile splitting her face. Ferry didn’t think he’d ever seen her grin so widely; it was a little unsettling. “She’s perfect. We’ll take her.”

“What?” Ferry said. “No! I want this ponyta!”

“Sorry,” Prim said, still grinning wildly as she shrugged.

“You said I could have my choice!”

“That was fine when the choices were boring.”
I thought the banter here was absolutely on point. Prim feels like she sparks to life here.

Strangely, that strange wistful emotion pulsed from her as she said it.
Keep an eye on the stranges!

It was unlike any aura he’d seen before—strange, inscrutable, and remarkably heavy.
On that note, having "strange" as a descriptor of something that's unlike any aura he's seen before is odd, since he's constantly describing Prim's aura as strange. If everything is strange, nothing is.

Most of them were undulating softly… sleeping? And there was a sullen one, one that Ferry thought he recognized somehow.

There was a sinister quality to the auras, a grave edge. They were alert, almost paranoid.
Alert and sleepy seem like they'd be at opposite ends of the aura feeling spectrum.

What had he planned on doing? Was he going to barge in and take them all on? They would have just disappeared anyway.
He could have continued to eavesdrop, though, and maybe gotten a sight of what they were selling. It's odd to me that he decides there was nothing else that could have happened here.

Its words replayed in his mind, its smile burned into his memory.
Comma splice--feels like a good place for a semicolon.

The memory of their strange disappearance, the way they melted into shadow like a trick of the light, haunted him. It must have been strange magic. He could think of no other explanation.
Is there non strange magic?

The cleric made a straight face and gave Ferry a half-lidded stare.
I'm not sure what making a straight face means here. Generally when we say "with a straight face" it's in the very specific context of a person saying something without cracking up.

Ferry retreated behind Prim, relieved to remove himself from the situation and let her do the talking but furious that it was necessary.
That second clause feels a bit busy--might want to let it stand on its own.

Ferry tuned him out, finding himself focusing on the man’s movements—the way he moved his fingers, the way the droopy skin on his face wiggled when he spoke, the way he blinked slowly and multiple times in succession. He wondered how many other mon had been through here, how many others the cleric had made to feel like property, like dirt. Nothing Ferry could possibly say would ever make the man feel that way. That enraged him. The only thing he could think of was crawling across the desk and smashing a fist into his brittle, saggy face.
Really nice moment.

Well, this is what strength is: getting the things you want from people who hate you without having to raise your hand against them.”

“That isn’t strength,” Ferry said. “That’s… something else. That’s power. I don’t want that.
Ooh, strength vs power discussions are always fun. I wonder why Ferry wouldn't want power, though.

“You have to understand. I’m only thinking of you.”

Revelation took hold of him, her words clicking. She was preparing him for a time when she was gone, when he might serve a crueler master who did not advocate for him. She was teaching him how to live in a world that hated him.
I was a little unsure why this was such a revelation. He knows she's planning on leaving. Is the revelation that she cares what happens to him after she leaves?
 

kyeugh

you gotta feel your lines
Staff
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. farfetchd-galar
  2. gfetchd-kyeugh
  3. onion-san
  4. farfetchd
wowowowow, thanks so much to everyone for all the love over blitz! responding to some of these reviews now while they and the story are fresh on my mind. feel free to shoot me a dm on discord if you want to talk about it further!
Redux? More like re: ducks
:absus:

- It's Ferry! The protagonist is not a handsome duck fellow! I have been badly misled!
i love my duck boy, but he is indeed a secondary character. this fic is actually older than sirfetch'd's reveal, i basically had to scramble to add him in.

- The wandersword, huh. Title drop! A travelling knight, presumably Prim and not Lauchs.
yes lauchs! but yep, you got it.

- I enjoy the 'conquered people' vibe and it's very well-portrayed, but the way they're simultaneously a crushed race and also total dogs is super weird. I'm sure I'll get used to it.
it is weird huh. i imagine any setting with sapient pokémon probably has some weirdness like this that's understandably handwaved a lot of the time bc it's not relevant/anime logic, but i like to dig into it. :p

- He's illiterate! Of course he is. But he needn't be. And that's tragic and fascinating.
i think i haven't gotten into it in this version of the fic yet, but it is actually pretty much impossible for him to read, his brain (and the brains of all lucario) don't make those connections. he also finds maps extremely baffling.

- BIKE GOAT. I am delighted at the inclusion of this deeply underrated 'mon.
gogoat is the best part of xy by far. i luv.

- I figured the lucario were out of the ordinary for being not only sapient, but capable of speech. I know the ducks can speak, but I'm guessing it's really only a minority of 'mon that can.
small minority, yeah. basically if you ask yourself "does it look like a guy" then there's a decent chance it's sapient.

- Is Prim basically a fucking witcher lmfao
lots of people make this comparison but i actually have never played or read the witcher and have only seen season one of the show and mostly don't remember it. i probably should...

- I like her wistful desire to retire. I figure she won't, though. Too busy being in a plot.
nonsense! i love giving my characters rest!

- Agility takes hours to perform? Man, I guess there's some The Old Magic Is Gone shit going on. I immediately assume this has something to do with AZ's war in ancient times, even if the timeline makes no goddamn sense.
good thought. hang onto it. it doesn't actually have to take hours, but the technique is relaxing and also ferry doesn't really know what he's doing.

I feel like the big strength of this chapter is that it manages to effectively convey so much in a fairly neat package.
thanks! this was something i worried about a lot. glad it worked.

I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I'm very excited to see more of it!
hopefully it will not take me one thousand year. 🤞 thanks for checking the fic out—hope future chapters don't disappoint!
So, my new retirement goals are now: Opening a skiddo farm with Prim so we can live the rest of our lesbian lives with our many skiddo children in peace
god bless you and may your dreams become reality.

heh. Also:
- a rusted pan
- a pinch of salt
- a green rock used only in very specific alchemical applications
- a strangely specific bird egg
- Meridia's beacon
I played skyrim and witcher. You can't fool me. Also, neat to see where the reward money after a trainer fight tradition came from.
lmfao, i'd be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about that a little.

"We take the contract."
hahahahaha

Hem. Not to be hypocritical here, Ferry, but weren't you the one who just wanted to buy a frightened ponyta because it would be easier to scare into submission? You shouldn't exactly be the one to preach about property and autonomy for a long while.

But yeah, what was up with that back at the stables? I mean, yeah, Ferry is kind of a dick and hotheaded and single-minded and has tunnelvision on creating a kingdom for his people and his people alone, but his inner monologue at the stable was... scary. Especially since it was back to back with him thinking about how badly he is oppressed and how bad the humans treat him. I have learned now that experiencing hate may not make people want to be better but want to inflict the same pain on others, but damn ferry. Check your standards.
good questions. i actually was trying to get this across a little bit, although i think a went bit too far with it. i went ahead and toned it down a little after reading your review here, but broadly your points are correct. his view of the world is a little bit messed up.

Also, question about the wb here: Are all mons sapient to the extent Ferry is? When he walks into the chapel, he thinks about how many other mons the cleric has sent away, as if there are other pokemon able of speech and such. But then where is the difference between the ponyta and Ferry in terms of how much "paternalism"(?) is appropriate towards them?
good question! no, most mons are pretty animalistic, although i think they're a little more clever than their real world counterparts; like, it's a little difficult to imagine a goat in the real world behave like princess. but she can't understand speech or anything. there are other pokémon that are sapient like ferry, but it's kind of arbitrary... i just determine it how i see fit basically.

What is up with this temple? It's derelict everywhere, but the replica, which looks very valuable, is still intact. Is the church of men declining? Seems so, since they can't afford or care to renovate their temples. But then how come no one stole the replica yet?
good question. the answer is no, the church isn't declining, and there are reasons that resources aren't being directed towards renovation that will come up later. the sword hasn't been stolen because it would be obvious to anyone who might buy it that it's a religious item, and it's not the best luck to go around trading things like that. i'll make some edits to make this more clear.

But ye, fancy seeing you back! I love the setting of Wandersword. I especially love Prim. She is so cool. Please give more hot witcher woman. And I understand now why you call Ferry your dog-son that you want to smack very hard. Because hell, I understand.
Also, much praise for adding Princess! She is a very good happy girl. Improves the story by the same amount as Prim did. And Prim having a clear bias towards skiddos is frankly really lovely to see.

Thanks for updating this and see you in a year
hahahaha. thanks for stopping by! your reviews are a delight and i'm very glad you're enjoying the characters so far.
Prim going "No actually fuck you we're getting the gogoat" somehow makes me think of like, replaying a video game and picking the weirdest build possible for the novelty.
hahahaha, omg. that's pretty spot on.

I feel like Ferry wants dignity more than anything else, strictly speaking, but he sees physical power as the best or only way to get it.
very good summary, i'd agree with you.

Ferry comes across as younger in this version of the story, pouting about the ponyta and having to talk to the cleric.
this is an interesting observation! i don't think i've consciously been trying to make him feel younger compared to his previous incarnation, but i have been consciously tapping the Grumpy Teenager energy a lot more heavily. i wonder if it's related. i was always doing that a little, but i don't think it came through as strongly when he didn't have a mom knight.

Now that I think about it, forcing Ferry to act nice or putting him in a situation where he has to comfort someone else is an interesting idea.
👀

your line edits are great, thanks a lot. will incorporate them as soon as i'm back making edits to this chapter. i'm glad you enjoyed ferry getting a bit of a break and having some fun. this fic is a biiiit of a downer at its core so i'm trying to intersperse some fun here and there. it should be kind of fun to run around the country on a goat. thanks for checking out the chapter!
On one hand it works a little worse because we don't get to see the plight of the blue aura doggos as clearly (not that you can''t see it in this version, they seem to be basically slaves, yikes) but on the other hand it gets us into the actionand core character relationships quickwer so... Overall an improvement I guess?
yeah, this was one of the big changes i wanted to make with this one. i think the introduction to the original one throws you into the plight a bit more but it was also kind of self-indulgent and needlessly violent and i think essentially the same point comes across this way as you say... and i like ferry a bit more without the melodramatic backstory.

tall armor lady (awooga)
lmfao

I love positioning Zoroark and Lucario ass rivals of some kind, though here appartently Zoroark prey on Lucario and not the other way around? You'd think it'd be swapped but that's just me.
lots of people have said this before, but i think in this setting where there aren't really so many elemental attacks it makes sense for a zoroark to come out on top. ferry muses a bit about the differences between their builds, but i always find this image illuminating.
1642985479391.png
i do like the idea of them as sort of natural enemies though, yeah. they're both kind of the furbait posterchildren of their respective generations, but i see their designs as sort of at odds with each other too, lucario being honor-driven and empathetic and zoroark being deceptive and cynical.

But very fun fic so far. Looking forward to seeing more of these two dorks.
thanks! i've got plenty of dorkage left to write, hope you stop by again sometimes. cheers for checking my first chapter out.
in general, this is a great elaboration on both the dynamic between our two leads and the way of life that folks like Ferry are expected to lead — the way they're perceived as lesser to their human counterparts, their duties (and, in Ferry's case to start the chapter, the consequences of getting just a little to into it...), and even transport.
i was really glad to hear this, thank you. i had some anxiety about this chapter retreading too much ground, so seeing it described as a good "elaboration" put a lot of my fears to rest.

Scout and Princess are both wonderful, by the way; the most trusty of hircine companions.
omg, ty. truly, why would you ride anything else in this setting. the horses are all either muddy or literally on fire.

Very unsubtle name, I have to admit, but I like it, considering the medieval/Renaissance-era advent of humanism was hardly a better name.
hahahaha. i'll go into it more later, but it's something of an unsubtle religion.

I did find myself feeling slightly lost during the encounter with a certain blue-and-silver-eyed creature, which feels kinda like the point, in all honesty — you do a good job of building up the mystery of it all, but the descriptions for that built felt a little skeletal to the point where I had trouble picturing what was going on.
i'll take another look at this scene. originally it was intended to be hard to make out what happened—in the first draft ferry only saw them for a split second before they disappeared. but now that they hang out for a moment first, i don't think it makes sense to skimp on the detail, so i'll need to furnish it a little more. thanks for pointing that out.

Should be "patch of grass", I think?
From the same line but I only noticed it after quoting that -- think you're missing an L here. That or Ferry just think these are real piece of shit tails. Just low-quality, half-shilling tails. No good.
i'm actually amazed by these typos. i made them in the first draft then fixed them—then, for some reason, i decided to type this scene out again rather than copypasting it even though it's pretty much verbatim, and made the exact same typos again. regardless, i will squash them out just as soon as i get to revising this one—thanks.

Oof! That's no good. Fantasy racism is alive and well, huh. :/
youuu bet.

Going back to what I said earlier about Ferry still having some growing to do: one reason why that compels me so much is because his outlook is, at least to me, a lot more sympathetic than Prim's here. Both are understandable, and there's a clear duality here (Ferry is occupied with how the world should be, Prim with all her experience wants to get him used to how it is). She means well, of course, but as of right now she sees a home as something Ferry cannot have, even though I want to say that all people should have one, really. Great dynamic set up here, and great economy in setting it up as well.
really glad this got across. i don't think either one of them are bad people, per se, but prim is too unimaginative to consider a better world, and ferry is... ferry. they for sure both have some reflection ahead of them.

anyway, thanks so much for checking this chapter out! your reviews are a delight as always. hope to see you soon, ideally in less than a year this time!
So the chapter begins with Ferry beating the shit out of an unconscious bandit, which is as good a sign as any.
like him or hate him, he angy.

One could even say that her portrayal is poggers.
1642986279988.png

The third scene was pretty fun, and now their squad has its very own princess!! I just love how the Skiddo is so full of energy, bashing into everything around her and just never sitting still. Bless her soul. Let's hope no whump in future chapters is going to traumatize this poor goat one way or the other.
i hadn't even thought of doing that but now you've got the wheels in my head turning.

Also, it's still pretty weird how there's sapient mon and much more animalistic ones. It's a much easier thing to brush and handwave in a pmd setting, ironically, than one with humans also in it. What's the criteria for pokemon intelligence? Is it an adaptation that develops over generations in a population of pokemon that are maybe exposed to humans a lot? Or is it species dependent? Could be some are galaxy brained like the Abra species and some are dumb as bricks, etc. I don't know the answer. It sounds like a hard question, and one I'm not entirely sure needs answering to begin with. It's just something I couldn't help but think about.
i basically just decide it arbitrarily yeah. if i think it would be fun to write a mon as sapient then i do. quite a few straddle the line, or are intelligent in ways that aren't compatible with human intelligence, but i think i'm going to stick to oneshots for that stuff.

As for other things to talk about, I like the reveal of that ominous pokemon and the shady merchant from earlier. I'm afraid I wasn't able to tell what the pokemon was from the description, and I'm not sure if their species being hard to tell from the description was intentional or not.
ferry doesn't recognize the pokémon, so i was hesitant to name it, which makes things a little hard. but i think i could use more description here, you're right. that's one of the main things i'm going to tune up about this chapter when i come back to it.

To wrap up this review, I have but one final question to ask. Next chapter when? Update fast pls.
as soon as you finish writing it! 😈 thanks for stopping by!
Think this got a little confused. I assume "his" here means the bandit? Which would then mean that she's checking his pulse, but she comments on his breathing? Should be simple enough to straighten out, mind.
oop, good catch, thanks!

It didn't really occur to me in the first version that there were likely other mon societies beyond Lucar and Fetchsheim—like, I expected there to be other sapient pokémon species, but for some reason my brain never made the rest of that leap. Maybe the zoroark threw me off back then, iunno. I'm curious to see which others we might meet, and the specifics of what happened to them. (Also wonder who it was the humans freed themselves from, so long ago. Other humans, or pokémon?)
love to see questions like this!! they shall be answered in time. :evil:

I'm sorry I have to laugh here, there's an RPG called Pugmire where the world is inhabited by uplifted house pets after humanity suddenly disappears, and the dogs literally have a religion called "the Church of Man" because Man was so good to them! And good things will continue to happen if they are Good Dogs! and it's just a total 180 from this and. ha. Sorry that is in no way relevant or helpful but that contrast is just funny to me. Pugmire Ferry would be a trip.
oh my god hahahaha. that rules and yes TOTAL 180. i'm laughing

His concern for his family and his people is genuine, but it seems like his anger is strong enough that some part of him wants to actively correlate solving these problems with violence.
really glad this came through. i bet this outlook will not cause any problems for him whatsoever!

This was mostly a pretty setup-y chapter, but it's raised a lot of fun questions and I'm eager to see their payoff down the road.
the original plan for this chapter was to include The Nidoking Job:tm:, but it started to feel a little long and crowded, so i put it off. i was a little worried this chapter would be a bit lacking as a consequence, so it's great to hear that it works as it is (even if, yeah, a bit setup-y, oops). wheels should start really turning next chapter!

so yeah gud skiddo upd8 moar. and, uh, the rest of the fic too, ig.
i will have to see about doing that. thanks for stopping by, your reviews are a delight and i'm glad you had fun with this one! :veelove:
Opening with the bandit fight was an effective way to establish that Ferry's been training. I do wonder if getting a short snippet of combat before Ferry is in the punch-until-bloody position would help establish that he's using techniques and skills he's been taught--as is, he could have been whaling on an opponent that Prim had already disarmed. The point where Ferry disarms them and continues to fight might be an interesting one. Prim's remark about how he'd never have been able to take on a foe like that before felt a bit forced in terms of establishing progress, but otherwise I thought it did a nice job setting up how things have progressed since last chapter and showing Ferry's state of mind.
some very good points in here. i originally did start this chapter with a bit of actual combat, but i felt like it was dragging and that the current start was a bit punchier (lol). i'll have to see about experimenting more with that beginning and try not to offload it onto the dialogue so much. i really like the idea of him "cleaning up" after prim.

There's a lot of emphasis on Prim's wistful aura, which seems to imply she could be second-guessing her retirement.
this is kind of a weird thing. it does and it doesn't, and i want ferry to be aware that this feeling is kind of nostalgic, in a way, and not really about him. but like, i also don't really want to get into mindreading, lol. i had a hard time trying to work this out and need to play with it some more. regardless, it is true that she's second-guessing, so what you say next still applies:
I kind of wanted Ferry's thoughts on that to be more explicit. He's got a lot on the line based on when she stops being a Wandersword and I'd have thought he'd want to know how long he had--or to want to know that, but be making a conscious decision not to ask in the hope that that prolongs it. Prim agreed to train him so something like with the Zoroark wouldn't happen again. Ferry can punch out bandits now. Is he worried that his fighting progress means his grace period is almost up?
these are really good points. definitely going to go back in and address some of them; they have answers and he ought to say them, or at least think them.

I was surprised, though, that Ferry took being overruled here with such good grace. Prim offered him any mount he chose and then reneged on that for her own amusement. I feel like that's something that would really get to Ferry. He clearly trusted her enough to accept that she meant her offer, and then she didn't. He's not entitled to get a mount, and not entitled to pick it, but she said that he could. Obviously for Prim it's a humorous moment, but I would have expected to see a more negative reaction from Ferry.
this is true. part of this is that the whole thing was initially played off as a bit, but i stripped a lot of that stuff away and and the reactions were kind of left as-is without the previous context to support them. i think him being a bit more pissed at princess would make the payoff of him coming around to her (even though it's not long after) a bit higher, so i'll definitely have to see about tweaking some things there.

I thought it might have been interesting to tie Ferry's fantasy of violence there to the one he lived out against the bandits. Was punching the bandit satisfying? Would punching the priest be more satisfying?
this is a great idea, thanks. i'm glad you liked the scene. i thought it might be a little bit on the nose but i also think i kind of want it like that. sometimes these things are.

She's able to be tender at moments without losing any of her stoicism
extremely pleased to hear this. one of my main concerns about this chapter was that prim's more maternal moments here might undo the stoic vibe i set up for her before, and i had a hard time balancing that. she cares but keeps a distance too.

I was still a little hazy on how Ferry feels about Prim--at the end of the chapter he thinks of her as a friend, but he also doesn't want to tell her he'd like her to stay.
this is true. on the one hand i think he's too embarrassed to admit that he sees her that way. he looks up to her and doesn't want to make himself vulnerable. on the other, i think your earlier point about the fact that his future without her is uncertain is very true. it's not really just about friendship, though it is partly that too. i'd like to tweak some of this stuff to make his feelings there come through a little more.

I do think it might be a bit more powerful if you don't give the game away in the first line. We're told "Ferry was barely aware of himself" from the outset, which paradoxically makes it seem like he's aware he's not aware of himself. Dropping that would open with the violence, and then let the contrast of how Ferry is feeling at the moment emerge, and finally be ruptured by Prim speaking.
excellent suggestion, i agree. will make this change Soon:tm:.

I'm a bit confused on what wiry limbs and a portly frame would even look like--your limbs make up your frame.
This exchange felt a little forced.
ha—turns out most of the stuff i added after kint went through the doc is kind of awkward. will work on this stuff (and your other line edits—thank you!).

Keep an eye on the stranges!
wow, there are a LOT of them in this chapter. i didn't even notice. will have to pick some of those out.

He could have continued to eavesdrop, though, and maybe gotten a sight of what they were selling. It's odd to me that he decides there was nothing else that could have happened here.
this is true. i need to work on this scene a bit i think. his thoughts on the whole thing progress a bit too quickly in general.

Ooh, strength vs power discussions are always fun. I wonder why Ferry wouldn't want power, though.
ferry doesn't see himself as a leader or an important person at all. that's pretty much the crux of it.

I was a little unsure why this was such a revelation. He knows she's planning on leaving. Is the revelation that she cares what happens to him after she leaves?
i think so, yes. love had similar reservations about these lines; they need tuning.

in conclusion, gud fic upd8t mor!
guess i'll have to! :'D thanks for the review a ton for the review! lots of great insights in here that i look forward to incorporating.
 

Negrek

Play the Rain
Staff
Hey, kyeugh! Lot of fun being rolled for this story in Catnip. I'd read the first chapter and then not reviewed it a while ago for Reasons... great opportunity for me to finally pay you back a bit for the pleasure of reading it.

Unfortunately I can't remember the original iteration of the story well enough to make much of a comparison here, so I'll just be talking about this one as it stands. It's a good start! You've already done a lot to establish a compelling world and a great dynamic between the main characters. Princess seems like she's going to be an excellent addition to the cast as well. Especially if it's going to be a little while before we encounter Lauchs. There's got to be somebody to bring a little levity to our Angy Boy and Grizzled Veteran duo! The change to Prim here *is* one thing I can recognize and comment on from the previous iteration of this fic, and I've enjoyed it! I liked the previous Prim, too--let it never be said that I don't enjoy a couple characters with huge blind spots stumbling into all kinds of trouble while they try to figure each other out--but I have fewer than zero qualms with world-weary Big Sword Lady unwillingly catches maternal feelings for angy dog. My impression from these chapters is you're really enjoying the new!Prim vibe and finding it easier to work with, which is fantastic!

I somehow have the feeling that Prim's retirement is not coming on nearly as soon as she's been planning. Just hoping she doesn't eventually fall victim to the old "mentor occupational hazard" trope; it seems like she has plenty to learn from Ferry, so here's hoping she'll get developed rather than killed off, heh. She's clearly aware of Ferry's anger issues, but doesn't seem like she's done much to address them head-on yet; that, I think, is going to have to become a point of contention between them at some point. Ferry's outlook on the world is so different from hers, but he doesn't trust her enough to even share that with her properly yet; there are a lot of interesting questions here about power and what it means to make a change and where and how, and I'm looking forward to how you explore them with these two. I also found it interesting that Prim's way of teaching Ferry to stand on his own was to send him off to the temple where she knew he was going to get treated like shit and then gave him a lecture when he was, predictably, treated like shit and took it poorly--not imo the best way to help someone learn to navigate those situations on their own. I like that Prim may have a lot more life experience than Ferry, but her experience is certainly different than his, and that this whole mentoring thing isn't something that necessarily comes naturally to her/she's automatically good at.

I will admit, though, that while the social/political aspects of this story are great and something I'm looking forward to seeing develop further, probably my favorite scene so far was the one with the zoroark. Good old-fashioned action and horror. This is a fic with a central character who's a stacked lady in armor with a bigass sword, and it would truly be a shame not to see it get used now and again. :P I'm basic. I'm really looking forward to the probably encounter with the nidoking! I also liked the opening of the second chapter, where Ferry's kind of dissociating while pounding a guy's face in; really drives home his unhealthy relationship to violence/his own combat abilities. I also enjoyed Prim's clear unease with his behavior. Another thing that's gone unaddressed that surely won't explode hellishly in the future! In general I think you write a fun action scene whether you want fun action or want the action to be not-so-fun, heh.

In the second chapter, I think I liked the steed-choosing scene the best! There's the introduction of Princess, obviously, but I thought that this was a great scene for characterization as well. In particular I thought it was interesting that Ferry was ultimately going for the timid ponyta not because "oh, that poor thing, no one else is going to want it" or out of a sense of sympathy, but rather because it would be easiest to control. Yikes, Ferry. I was a little surprised that Ferry didn't lose his shit over being told he'd be getting Princess as a steed, though. Considering how little control he has over his life in general, Prim going "you can choose!" and then pulling the rug out from under him with "lol jk I choose" feels like something Ferry'd take as a huge betrayal (and probably something Prim wouldn't realize would affect him as badly as I'd expect it to).

I'm curious how Ferry ended up being selected to accompany a Wandersword (and as the only one out of his clan, it sounds like). Obviously he didn't have a choice in the matter, so it wasn't the case that he, like, actively showed an interest... Was this a case of "lord offers lucario in exchange for wandersword's service/as a tithe in exchange for wandersword protection" and Ferry was a lucario he was happy to part with, or was the wandersword he rode into the city with sent to pick out a lucario for whatever reason, and Ferry caught their eye somehow? Don't think it's something necessary to establish as such, but it's something I'm curious about, and how the whole wanderswording adventure began could put an interesting frame on the story.

I also found it interesting that Prim (I think?) implied that wanderswords are a relatively recent... innovation, I guess? There's a lot to imply that we're seeing a society that's fairly recently emerged from some kind of big upheaval--the lucario, and maybe some other pokémon, losing their magic (and some others not) and being conquered, and perhaps some other events as well? Were mon relations better in the past such that wanderswords weren't necessary, or was their role previously filled by some other institution? Or has something about the way humans live changed such that they're now either necessary or posible when they weren't earlier? (In a similar vein, I'm curious about the Church of Man; are they the only game in town nowadays? Has it always been that way, for some reasonably-long value of always?) There's a lot of cool worldbuilding here that we're only just beginning to dig into, and I'm definitely looking forward to learning more as the story goes on!

I know it was a lot of work putting out the second chapter--I'm glad you stuck with it! I hope Chapter Three's treating you at least a little better.

Boiled leather armor covered her body, all straps and gleaming buckles, and a huge sword was slung over her back, its brass hilt visible over her shou lder.
Random space in the middle of "shoulder."

A lucario, huh?” she said at least, her voice bold and deliberate as a terrakion.
at *last

It was hot for a September day, but the sun was perched behind a cloud, so it at least less bright and warm outside than it had been before.
*it was at least?

At first, he found the slimy feeling of the salve at the bottom of his new makeshift sandals offputting, and they threw off his balance slightly
Only slightly? >:)

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iONOAazPj2c


So many people poured through the streets, and there were mon abound, too.
Abound?

He nervously approached the gogoat and watched as its flank rose and fell, the lush foliage on its back matted beneath the weight of Prim and the saddle.
Not matted--maybe compressed?

By the time he had reached the ground, Prim was already laying in her sleeping roll, torch extinguished, eyes screwed shut.
*lying

Not sure if it's what you were going for, but this description of Prim makes it sound like she's doing an, "I am asleep now and will not be taking further questions, good NIGHT" rather than just that she fell asleep super fast. Which to me is an interesting point of characterization, that she's not used to or not comfortable with a traveling companion and is far more interested in getting some sleep than checking on how Ferry's settling in. But if you weren't intending that to be the case, maybe changing the phrasing from "eyes screwed shut" to something indicating that she's actually asleep and not faking it would be a good idea.

“So lonely, your kind,” they said, blasting him with its hot breath.
Kinda weird that the zoroark goes from "they" to "its" in this sentence.

Ferry watched as a towering figure lowered its leg drew a blade, moonlight dancing off the metal.
lowered its leg *and drew a blade?

She bent over and stuck her hands under his armpits, then hefted him over his shoulder.
over *her shoulder?

Chapter Two

As a riolu, he had spent many mornings laying in the grass as his elders hunted.
*lying

The tauros tied to his wagon snorted and pawed at a pass of grass sticking from the packed-dirt road...
*patch of grass

She nudged Ferry out of her way and got on her knees and placed a pair of fingers on his wrist.
At times I was a bit confused by the pronoun usage in this fic, generally where you'd get a "he" or "she" when the character being referred to hadn't actually been mentioned for a few paragraphs. Here I think it would be better to say "the bandit's wrist," since "he" had just been referring to Ferry.

He wouldn’t admit it to her, but privately he wanted nothing more than to stay, for his sake.
*for her to stay?

“Still at it back there?” Prim asked, voice lilted with amusement.
*lilting

He looked down at his hands and coiled them into fists.
I like "balled" better than "coiled" here; "coiling" brings to mind twisting and snake-y things in general, rather than simply tucking in your fingers.

A lilac-maned ponyta looked on in disgust from the corner, cautious to stand on the straw so as to keep the shaggy purple hair around its hoofs clean.
I think you want "careful" rather than "cautious" here.

A mon that had been laying behind the tauros was revealed.
*lying

Ferry could only shoot his nastiest, most smoldering look of contempt at Prim as she counted at the coins and passed them to the stablekeeper.
*counted out

She was still smiling, but Ferry could tell she was completely serious about this.
This was another case where the pronouns felt off to me because Prim hadn't been mentioned by name for a couple paragraphs--felt strange to me for her to crop up as "she" here rather than starting with "Prim was still smiling..."

Strangely, that strange wistful emotion pulsed from her as she said it.
Hmm. Would you say that this was a strange situation?

A huge replica of the prophet’s sword was mounted on the back wall, its hilt trimmed with gold.
The prophet? Surely not the guy from the Sinnoh myth who murdered a bunch of mon? 👀

The cleric made a straight face and gave Ferry a half-lidded stare.
Made a straight face?

“Yes,” the cleric said. He set his quill in its will and pulled a scroll from below the desk, squinting at the words on it and tracing them with a knobby finger.
quill in its *well?

Ferry retreated behind Prim, relieved to remove himself from the situation and let her do the talking but furious that it was necessary.
I thought this was perhaps called out a little late in the conversation; it felt like Prim had already taken charge, so maybe Ferry should have done his retreating a little earlier?
 

Joshthewriter

Charizard Fan
Location
Toronto
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. charizard
I’m here as part of our exchange! I’ll give you praise and crit where it’s due!

On to your review!

You set the world really really well with the opening on Ferry in the big city. We get everything we need to know (New trainer/Wandersword [fantastic name btw], medieval world) in just a couple paragraphs. It’s definitely much tighter of storytelling than the stories I linked you to lol.

I love the hints of Lucar backstory you sprinkled through the chapter. Your entire world tbh, I just want more and more of it. I want to know more about the Wanderswords. I want more of Lucar, and the old Greyscar. You did an excellent job of grabbing my attention and not letting go.

I’m such a sucker for the concept and you proved perfectly that Pokemon work the absolute best in a low-tech setting.

Prim and Ferry are also both fantastically portrayed. Barely any time spent with either of them yet and already they’re both fully realized and engaging characters. I especially enjoy Prim not being some wide-eyed kid. I’m all for more middle-aged heroes!

The Zoroark section. I got a shiver down my spine tbh. The whole “imposter” thing was incredibly well done. And a glimpse of just how epic Aura “magic” (for lack of a better word to describe it) really is.

I know you said you welcome crit, but this really is absurdly good. Why didn’t you rec this sooner?!
 

Joshthewriter

Charizard Fan
Location
Toronto
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. charizard
Fuck, is that ever an opening for a chapter. Delightfully bloody and perfectly poignant. Ferry seems to be a “brutal brawler” and I’m so down for it.

I really like what you’re doing with Prim/Ferry. Their characters gel really well and you’ve done a great job using Ferry’s aura sense to explore the little emotions in Prim’s reactions. I’ve gotten a great sense of her character and I’m not even in her head!

More Lucar history along with more Ferry character! I love how you’re weaving this all together. My medieval story is kinda all over the place in this regard (preferring to focus on the big epic fantasy moments). Makes it for some really well defined worldbuilding in this fic. You’re teasing me and making me want more!

Princess… given Ferry’s dislike for Gogoat, this is a hilarious choice. And they’re adorable together! Love the way that you turned that around!

I’m really interested in the dynamic you’ve been building up in this world. I love the idea of pokemon kingdoms and entire societies away from humanity. I don’t typically love speaking pokemon stories, but I can’t fault you when I’m enjoying it this much!

And again I have to reiterate, the dynamic between Prim and Ferry completely makes this fic. They are the beating heart of it and I’m excited to see what you have in store!
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
HEY GURL HEY I'M FINALLY READING WANDERSWORD, LETSGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I've been meaning to get into this since I joined the server, and I'm glad I get to get a start on the fresh rewrite! I'll be covering both the chapters you have here, and can officially say that I am caught up on Wandersword :DDD

Okay, so a lot went into these chapters, and I can certainly say from the get go that I am OBSESSED with this worldbuilding. I'm generally a huge fan of medieval settings, so mixing that with Pokemon is grounds for a stellar time. I'm excited to see how much everything is built upon, from reading more about Wanderswords and why they're diminishing, to how the Lucario were kind of taken over, to what the merchant and those other funky mon were up to in the alley. I feel like some big bad problems are in store for Prim and Ferry (and Princess!!!! and Scout too) and I'm both dreading and am ready for it.

I do have a lot of raised questions. I've gathered that some Pokemon are definitely more intelligent than others, what with the Pidove and Skwovet kind of acting like standard woodland creatures, but with Lucario and even Zoroark able to speak. Lucario are intelligent enough to be straight up treated and regarded as slaves, so...there's that. I wonder if there are other species of Pokemon that are in a similar boat (assuming there is a Farfetch'd rolling up sometime soon lmaoooooooooo)? That's grounds for an interesting dynamic for sure.

Also, Prim is not what I expected! I of course envisioned some GoT Brienne of Motherfucking Tarth iconicness, but for some reason I had it in my head that she was much younger. But, her being in this business for almost 30 years, and assuming she started in her late teens/early 20's has her at...late 40's, early 50's??? Provided I know how math works because I'm what the kids call stupid, or provided she wasn't a knight fresh out of the womb kekw. Even so, I love the concept of an older character in PokeFic! We don't see those often, and it definitely gives her an added sense of wisdom as she trains Ferry. I like that dynamic quite a lot.

Also, fuck the Church of Man. Seems eerily similar to a certain real religion that also condoned slavery at one point, and :copyka: Love the parallel. I hope it burns to the ground and Ferry comes out on top.

Aside from a couple of line-by-lines to follow, I don't have any crazy critiques right now. Ferry and Prim's goals seem fairly clear to me in the moment, and there seems to be some setup to a bigger problem here with the merchant in the alley. Ferry needs to train some more, and I have a bad feeling they're going to be running into some fuckshit on this next mission. There's a clear direction here, and until I have some more chapters to build on, for now I can say everything's looking great! Keep up the good work, and I'll be back for future updates <3

Line by lines:
Would that I could answer that question for you, rio-lu.” Little one. “You will simply know.”
I couldn't tell if this was a typo or if I was just reading it totally wrong because I'm dumb.

Unlike Ferry, who had been born at the manor and had only ever known servitude, his mother had been born free. She remembered a time when lucario were a free people, and reminded him that things had been different, once.
This is so fucking sad bro, I hope some sweet sweet revenge is comin'

Before the clerk had stepped out to wait for the Wandersword,
The...Wandersword...

Roll credits.

He struggled to keep his tongue from falling slack in a pant.
Really liked this detail

its brass hilt visible over her shou lder.
Weird space here.

“That does it. Let it be known that I have officially borne witness to the transfer of ownership of one lucario called Ferrycloth to Ser Primeveire Wanderling, on this twelfth of September… and so on, you get it.”
"Transfer of ownership" uggghhhhh

Was Mother wrong about the humans after all? He pushed the thought away. Time would tell.
I'm gonna have to go with no, she wasn't.

In Kalosian, he had simply called it “Agility.”
OHHHHHH SICK SICK SICK, loved this little bit of lore.

Ferry squinted at him and took a cautious step forward, then another. The other lucario just stood there, unblinking and smiling slightly, hand suspended in the air. Something seemed off about his appearance, Ferry thought. It was the eyes—from another tribe, perhaps?
I'm getting skinwalker vibes from this.

Edit: Wow I was right.

“Come on.” She bent over and stuck her hands under his armpits, then hefted him over his shoulder.
Did you mean "her" here?

Ferry was barely aware of himself as he smashed his fist into the bandit’s face over and over again.
Ohhh I'm guessing a pretty decent time skip? I love this for him.

“My god,” Prim said, a huge smile splitting her face. Ferry didn’t think he’d ever seen her grin so widely; it was a little unsettling. “She’s perfect. We’ll take her.”

“What?” Ferry said. “No! I want this ponyta!”

“Sorry,” Prim said, still grinning wildly as she shrugged.

“You said I could have my choice!”

“That was fine when the choices were boring.”

“I…,” Ferry sputtered. His jaw hung slack as the stablekeeper attempted with great effort and little success to wrangle the skiddo into a harness.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Prim insisted. “She’ll never tire out! And she’ll be fast friends with Scout. It’s going to be great.”
OHHEY PRINCESS.

On one hand I totally agree with Prim, and I really liked seeing this slightly mischievous side of her, but I couldn't tell what her goal here was. She of course said Ferry had his choice of a steed, until he didn't because she wanted to saddle him with the most hyperactive and boisterous one of all of them, even though he had made his decision. I'm guessing it was a training-related thing? Giving him the task of getting this bouncy Skiddo under control? I could see that.

At the same time though, it felt like kind of a flex of power over him--like, she knows she's calling the shots here, she owns him, and kinda wanted to remind him of that? Idk, the "Sorry" just felt a tad bit mean and very "I know what I said, but too bad so sad I own you and in the end it's actually my choice." This isn't a BAD thing per se (well ofc it's a bad thing but for story context it's not a bad thing) but I guess my issue is that Prim didn't seem like the kind of person that would resort to that? I got vibes, as she was explaining to Ferry why she wasn't going to train him initially, that she was a lot more loose on the conventions set by this cruel world and didn't really have much intention of attempting to flex that "I own you" muscle too much, if at all, and this kind of felt like a backtrack on that for the sake of showing she has a prankish side to her, at Ferry's imminent expense.

Or it could just be that I was reading this at 3am and I'm overthinking it as per usual.

Quietly, Ferry dismounted Princess, gesturing silently at the skiddo to stay put and remain quiet.
Well that's absolutely not gonna happen.

And then Princess came bounding up behind him, hooves clopping loudly on the stone.
Aaaaand I was right

Church of Man
Excellent, fitting name for a church that enslaves Pokemon, literally burn it.

“The church is happy to aid wanderswords in any way it can. I am less enthused to service their… equipment,” he sneered.
Oh I hope this guy gets eaten, please oh please.
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
As promised, I am here to review! I think I'll kick this off immediately with some line by line thoughts, a couple nitpicks, and some commentary, then probably ramble further. I read chapter 1&2 and man, I really liked what I read!

He’d never been somewhere with so much life packed so closely together. His master—no, former master now—never had cause to take him to a human city. Ferry had been a hunting dog all his life, tasked with detecting game with his aura sense, and there was no hunting to be done in a place like this. The thought of making his way through the city alone, a solitary mon in a sea of humans, was a frightening one, but part of him still longed to explore anyway. It felt like some kind of punishment that he was forced to wait in here with only the inches-thick wall separating him from the sights and sounds of the city.
First up, I really enjoy the mood of the opening. I like how you used the contrast of his current situation to have him compared to his previous one and give us an idea of his past without just info dumping or flashbacking. it pulls double duty very well :okgon:

“Would that I could answer that question for you, rio-lu.” Little one. “You will simply know.”
So fun fact, my first thought here was that 'riolu' meaning little one also means that its a term used to refer to young lucario, which my brain then extrapolated to mean that in this world pokemon don't evolve with flashy lights like usual, but sort of just age into their new forms.

I have no idea if this is true, but that's what I thought of.

its brass hilt visible over her shou lder.
typo?

“A lucario, huh?” she said at least, her voice bold and deliberate as a terrakion.
smh, ur not capitalizing pokemon names??? I can't read this fic!!!!! UGH so dumb >:{
(nice voice comparison. Also I guess this means Terrakion are at least common enough for Ferry to know what one sounds like?)

No matter,” the clerk said. “I’ll give it my best guess then. F… A… I… R…”
And so, Fairy type was born

to the transfer of ownership of one lucario called Ferrycloth to Ser Primeveire Wanderling, on this twelfth of September… and so on, you get it.”
ownership >:{

Prim looked down at him, an eyebrow arched. He felt her aura squirm slightly with befuddlement. “Yeah, it’ll be a few silver, it’s not a big deal. Why are you looking at me like that?”
I enjoy two things here: How casual Prim is about being decent, and how you describe her aura.

He felt a jolt of surprise bounce from Prim. “Huh? I mean, yes, but… Well, that’s not how this works. They really didn’t tell you anything, huh?” She looked over her shoulder at Ferry, and he shook his head. “Well, basically, we’re really good at dealing with mon. People pay us to do it.”

“Dealing with mon…?”

“Sure. Like taking down a rampaging haxorus, helping a snorlax give birth, taking care of a skorupi infestation, whatever. It’s all part of the job.”
Toss a Coin to your Witche- er, Wandersword

I don’t owe you anything just because the Wandersword Corps decided I needed another partner.
another partner? Hm. Intriguing. She's done this before then, it seems.

Ferry was barely aware of himself as he smashed his fist into the bandit’s face over and over again.
Oh boy what an opening!

He took another deep breath in, tuning into his aura but distancing himself enough from it that he didn’t spiral as he had on that night with the zoroark. He pushed the memory out of his mind and radiated his aura out from his core to each part of him, standing his hairs on end and tingling his ears and his fingers and his toes. He could feel each heartbeat, every muscle, even the flow of his blood. He drew another deep breath, focusing all his aura into his right fist, and when his lungs were at capacity he thrust his arm out, willing the aura out with it.

He cracked one eye open. Again, nothing.
Its possible the repetition of the opening word 'he' and the sentence structure similarity is intentional, but I personally found it just a wee bit awkward as I read this section. A bit repetitive. Just my thoughts.

Ferry grunted. They rode in silence for a minute, and then Prim spoke up again: “Your fighting has come a really long way, you know. When I met you, that bandit would have taken you down easily. It’s not trivial to take down an armed opponent without a weapon of your own.”
I actually didn't realize that a timeskip had happened, and seemingly a substantial one? I think a frame of reference for how long they'd been traveling together would help a little. I found it on the jarring side.

“It’s not enough,” he said, almost a whisper. “I need to be stronger.”
He wants to be the very best, like no one ever was!

He didn’t want to rule the world. He only wanted to free his people. His mother had urged him that this was the path to that reality, and even Greyscar had agreed. Such things had been done before—the humans had done it before, long ago. Even he knew that.
Interesting!!!! So humans were once subjugated by mon, and then rose up and freed themselves? At least, thats the vibes I understood from this line

She was wrong. She didn’t understand what he wanted, and she never could. Strength would be enough for him.
This is interesting! So ferry thinks what he wants is pure strength. To him, this is different from power, which seems loosely tied to authority? As well as some form of self-control and/or assimilation? Strength to him is heh, might makes right. Do as you please without fear, without restraint. Prim's view is that he needs power. He needs to accept his unfortunate standing and circumstances and learn learn how to work within them.

He thought he might prefer the reliability of a mudbray, but they were dreadfully dirty, too, and ponyta were meticulously clean… That could go a long way on the road.
This line confused me. A ponyta being meticulously clean will be helpful on the road somehow? But it would just get dirty, no? I am not sure why being clean would be good, or how they would stay clean?

“That’s the one,” he determined. He stepped toward it and it recoiled at the sounds of his footfalls. It was a timid thing now, but better timid than too rowdy—it would be more responsive to commands this way, more eager to please. With the proper training, it would grow into an obedient and formidable—
No No, he totally doesn't want something he can bend to his will.

It's kinda funny, having stuff like horses and goats and what not, be sorta lower sapience. I accept it at face value but its rather amusing, Lucario riding a Skidoo, heheh.

Ferry peered down at the skiddo and gave it a look of utmost loathing. The skiddo’s eyes glimmered in response, ears flapping. “How about Idiot,” Ferry suggested, scowling.
This line really made me chuckle, heh

It felt like they were running through back alleys for hours before Ferry remembered he had a job to do. He was sorry to end the fun… He couldn’t remember the last time he’d enjoyed himself so much. Princess’s gallop was reduced to a trot as Ferry pulled back on her horns. “Don’t tell Prim, I said this,” Ferry said, tousling the skiddo’s head from behind, “but you’re not so bad after all.”
aaawwww this was so cute!!!! NYOOOOMMMM through the streets is excellent for bonding.

He only saw them for a moment. The merchant stood by his wagon, staring down at Ferry in shock. At his side, a grotesque purple creature stood waist-tall, one eye of silver and one of blue.
My first thought here is 'Sableye' but I have no idea if this is right or not. Intriguid thoroughly by this encounter! Clearly totally not dark and sinister tidings are afoot.

“Ah,” the cleric said. He narrowed his eyes and wrote another few words on his parchment, smacking his lips. “A thrall. I would gladly speak to your master about potential jobs.”

Clerics loved to use the word “thrall” for mon like him that aided wanderswords. It made him feel sick.
>:{{{{{ GGRRRRRR
This part really made me annoyed! In a good way, there's such a stark contrast between Prim and how this absolute garbage master behaves. a thrall.
How wretched.
Always hate to see humans abusing religion as an excuse to be absolute jerks. >:{ What a despicable man.

Ferry retreated behind Prim, relieved to remove himself from the situation and let her do the talking but furious that it was necessary.

Prim nodded thoughtfully. “Nidoking? Fine. I can do that. What’s the reward?”

“Twenty shillings.”

Prim cleared her throat. “Goodness.”

“Yes,” the cleric said. “It has been some time since a veteran wandersword has visited this area, and the old man is growing restless, so he has been raising the job’s reward out of his own pocket to expedite its completion. It is my hope you can be the one to finally do so.”
+New Side Quest Added
+Quest Marker Added!
[Press Start to view Quest Log]
{King of the Underground:
Defeat or subdue the wild Nidoking and retrieve the Family Heirloom for the old man.
Reward: 20 Shillings}

Ferry tuned him out, finding himself focusing on the man’s movements—the way he moved his fingers, the way the droopy skin on his face wiggled when he spoke, the way he blinked slowly and multiple times in succession.
So I like how you describe him a lot, its a good lead in to how Ferry wants to bash this ugly mans face in. But I did think that 'tuned him out' threw me off.
Initially, given that the previous line describes him outlining/making notes on a map, I didn't think he was talking. So when 'tune out' was used, I pictured Ferry actually not paying him any attention to him at all, only to see that he's actually hyperfixating instead.

I'm not sure if perhaps this is a me thing or not. Some possible alternatives include (sloppy examples):
-'As if trying to cut Ferry out, the old man began talking to Prim in a low voice as he sketched directions on the map'
-Ferry found himself eerily drawn to the man's movements (removing the bit about tuning out)

This might just be me though, so take with a grain of salt.

“That isn’t strength,” Ferry said. “That’s… something else. That’s power. I don’t want that.”

“Then what do you want?”

“To protect myself and the people I care about,” he said, surprised by the truth of it. But he left the second part unsaid: that sometimes to protect, you had to strike first.
Oh yes! this was the bit that ties into what I mentioned earlier, how Ferry draws distinctions between the concepts of strength and power. Its very interesting to contemplate. What does power look like, what does strength mean. He says he wants to protect his people, build a new home, free his people. A tall order. He's going to need to take some unconventional paths to get there, I bet.

“Let me put it another way,” she said. “It’s hard to say this, but Ferry, you are a person with no home to return to. For the rest of your life, you will be an outlander everywhere you go. The most important thing I can teach you is how to deal with people who look down on you for who you are.” She pursed her lips. “You have to understand. I’m only thinking of you.”
Prim's outlook here is very interesting! The way she talks makes me think that she's speaking from experience. She knows something of the pain of no home, no people. Her approach to life was to shoulder the burden and learn how to exist within it. Accepting that she'll never be free of scorn, and deciding that the best thing she can do is teach Ferry how to be able to live in such a world too.

Meanwhile of course, Ferry wants, basically, revolution. He wants to carve out his own space in the world, and create something new.

I am really quite excited to see where this dynamic goes.

Because truthfully, I wonder if Ferry will have to face the harsh truth - all the strength or power in the world can't stop jerks from being jerks. But you also still need to fight for whats right.

Ferry nodded and untied Princess from the post. As they rode down the street and toward the city walls, he tried to think of that immediate future—fighting side by side with his friend—and not the distant one of blood and ash.
Hm. Friend? Imo it felt a bit abrupt for Ferry to think of her as a friend, I think? While he appreciates her and how she treats him, I always still got 'ew humans' and a lot of resentment and frustration, and a sense of 'She still doesn't understand me' vibes. Saying 'friend' to refer to Prim feels very quick for him. Not that I am at all opposed to what I hope will be an excellent friendship! But it did feel a bit jarring.


Okey dokey! I'm really happy I finally got to read this.

Commentary done, WOW I loved this. I think you do an amazing job weaving atmosphere and a grounded feel into your setting. This is very medieval, and a good bit different from the 'high fantasy fun' of usual pokemon fair. I feel like you balance a good middle ground of still having some fantasy though, and not sliding into 'super grimdark medieval'. It feels pleasantly realistic. The world isn't pretty, but its also not straight Misery City. very witcher-esque, of course

So far, I like how you're handling the dynamic of Lucario as a people, and humanity. It feels similar to real world stuff for sure, but there's something I can't quite place my finger on that also feels different (which is good, I hate perfect 1:1 analogies in fantasy). You've set up a really good conflict to, both on a small personal scale and wider world one. Ferry's desire for strength vs Prim's desire to just retire and cope. And then the people of Lucar vs humanity and the longing for freedom.

I'm also really excited to see some more worldbuilding/history. There was that one line alluding to how humans seemingly were once subjugated by mon? Also can't wait to just see more in general, of stuff like the Wandersword Corp and the various mon. Like the interaction between Zoroark and Ferry, which was deliciously chilling.

My only critique is not really even a critique at all, just an observation. There's moments throughout that feel very on the nose/direct when it comes to feelings or themes. This could probably be just Ferry's character. After all, he seems fairly self-aware and being a Lucario, perhaps they're more prone to introspection. I don't think the directness of the themes and feelings is bad, just ... something to be aware of I guess? I apologize if this doesn't make sense by the way, its something hard to put into words. The best way I can think to put it is just that I observed a few times that there wasn't a lot of for subtlety. This is, again, by no means a bad thing, just a neutral one.

Anyways, that aside, I don't think I have any other critiques, aside from a few times the prose felt a bit dry, which I pointed out earlier. Everything else feels quite clean and well thought out, and is very good!!!
I give this.....

An Aura/10
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. quilava-fobbie
  5. sneasel-kate
Heya, here for Wandersword Chapter 2 as part of Reading Rookidee, and to catch up with this story after -checks notes- over a year. Wow, didn’t realize it’d been that long. A lot has changed since then, including the style of reviews I normally sling around and how frequently I give them, but that sounds like as good a reason as any to catch up, so let’s get straight into things.

Chapter 2

I have never relished the sight of blood, but I did respect its value once. Yet defending the totality of life in this world from armageddon has exacted a heavy price. Blood has become like the rain or the wind. It is nothing to me.

Ominous quote is ominous there, though I wonder who on earth said that one there.

Ferry was barely aware of himself as he smashed his fist into the bandit’s face over and over again.

As a riolu, he had spent many mornings laying in the grass as his elders hunted. He’d stared up at the sky, absently transfixed by the shapes of the clouds and their steady passage across the pale blue sky. Now he was similarly entranced by the play of the light through the oak canopy overhead on the bandit’s glassy, hazel-rimmed eyes—the way they seemed to look without seeing, just barely hanging onto the last muddy inches of consciousness—and the sharp whipping of his head back and forth with each blow, the neck muscles strained, the teeth and lips slick with blood.

Well that’s a concerning parallelism there. Not that I really would expect Ferry to really care about the well-being of a bandit given that he doesn’t exactly have a high opinion of humans writ large.
:fearfullaugh~1:


He heard someone calling his name, but it sounded distant, like he was hearing it through a dream. It wasn’t until his fist was intercepted mid-swing that he came back to himself.

“Ferry!” Prim shouted. “Ferry, that’s enough!”

… Wait, just how strong are Pokémon relative to humans in this setting such that Prim can intercept Ferry’s blow like that? Or is that meant to be an indication of Prim’s strength there.

He blinked hard, suddenly aware of the way his chest was heaving and his tongue was hanging slack as he panted. He wiped his mouth on his wrist and noticed that the blue fur on his knuckles was streaked with glistening red.

The bandit squeezed his eyes shut and let out a small, raspy groan. Ferry pulled himself off of him, disgusted now by the swollen, bloody face.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. He inhaled deeply through his nose, feeling his heartbeats in his face.

Huh. Wasn’t expecting Ferry to have an aversion to blood like that when he has memories of elders hunting, but I guess being raised in a lord’s house will mess around with your perspective.

His eyes meandered to the bandit Prim had dispatched. He almost seemed to be sleeping peacefully. The only sign of a struggle was a tear in his shirt and the welt on his forehead.

“Show some restraint next time,” she replied. Her gaze was a little disturbed, but mostly concerned. “The point was to protect this man, not to punish a criminal.”

Ferry: “... Prim, the text literally just said that you killed the guy. What are you getting on my case about messing him up a bit-?”
:what:

Prim: “There’s different definitions of ‘dispatch’ Ferry.”
720106605982646283.png

Ferry: “Look, all of the other ones I can think of that make sense in context basically mean the same thing, so same difference.” >_>;

Ferry nodded, feeling dazed and a little ashamed. He couldn’t suppress the part of him that craved her approval. But what had he done wrong, anyway? Harmed a criminal who would have killed them?

Well for one, you’re kinda dripping blood that’s not your own right now, Ferry. That tends to be a bit off-putting to humans since usually they prefer that to stays nicely on their weapons. :V

The merchant they’d saved stepped forward from his wagon and bowed weakly. His wiry limbs didn’t seem to match his portly frame. “I thank you from the depths of my heart,” he said. Ferry’s ears twitched; the man’s voice was high and he spoke in a drawn-out, irritating way. “I owe you my life. If there is any way I can repay you…”

Ferry: “You could start by stop talking in that accursed voice.” >_>;

“Not necessary,” Prim said, waving a hand. “But for your own sake, you might think to hire some protection next time you’re traveling so close to the frontier. It might not stumble upon you by chance next time.”

Lucky merchant there.

Ferry: “Hey, uh. Prim. So are we actually getting paid for this, or what?”

“Of course, my lady wandersword,” the merchant said. His smile was strained. Ferry squinted at him and probed his aura, sensing anxiety. Residual stress from the fight, perhaps?

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I mean, if you’re noticing it, Ferry. I doubt that it’s something as mundane as that.

The tauros tied to his wagon snorted and pawed at a pass of grass sticking from the packed-dirt road, triple tails whipping about wildly like willow limbs in a tempest. The merchant turned his attention to soothing the tauros and securing his wagon.

“No payment?” Ferry whispered.

Wow. At that rate, they should’ve let the merchant have fun dealing with that bandit there. Though if the guy’s busy being dead, surely they could help himself to his belongings.

“Always the material one,” Prim chided. She nudged Ferry out of her way and got on her knees and placed a pair of fingers on his wrist. “Still breathing,” she muttered, and she began to pat the body down. A few rings slid off the knobby fingers and a coin pouch with a heavy sound came from the trousers. The other bandit had similar boons to offer: coins, rings, a necklace, a finely-crafted dagger.

Oh, I see that they’re helping themselves to the bandit’s stuff anyways. I admittedly wasn’t expecting him to still be alive from the mention that he was ‘dispatched’ earlier. Not that he likely has a fantastic life expectancy ahead of him since punishments for crimes in the middle ages writ large could get pretty metal.

“It’s not right to demand a reward for a rescue,” Prim explained in a low voice, “especially not when there are rewards to be found elsewhere.” She counted the coins under her breath as she poured them into her purse.

I can hear the multitude of PMD characters out there in the multiverse protesting heartily that that’s fair game and that Prim’s leaving money on the table. I mean, maybe it’s not polite, but you are the one with the sword who just saved the merchant’s hide there with your blue dog partner. :V

“Not bad,” she remarked as the last one tumbled into her purse with a clink. “This should be enough to buy you your own steed. We can finally give poor Scout’s back a break before you break his back.” She chuckled at her own joke.

“Wait, really?” Ferry said, his tail wagging low to the ground and kicking dirt onto his heels. His own steed… That was a luxury he’d never even thought to hope for. He’d be like a real knight of his own accord. “Aren’t you trying to save your money so you can hang your sword up?”

Ferry: “I mean, I should probably be a little more off-put by the idea of owning something that I’m pretty sure can talk intelligibly to me. But hey, my own steed!” ^^

Prim shrugged. “I’m not done training you yet. Especially not if that was any indication.” She gestured at the bruised mess of a bandit. Ferry’s ears lay flat. “Besides, you helped me earn this. And if you break my goat’s back it’ll cost me twice as much.”

Ferry: “I’d just like to point out that you’d probably have gotten reward money for that bandit dead or alive.” :|
Prim: “Yeah, well I’d like to think I’m a bit of an idealist here, Ferry. So let’s not rack up a body count when we don’t need to, huh?”

There was a strange timbre to Prim’s aura right now—something like joy, something like sorrow, mostly unlike either. He had sensed it a few times before, usually when they spoke about the future. It was almost wistful.

He couldn’t help but feel like that emotion was bigger than him, but he dared to hope a little. It was plain that Prim was weary of the hard life of a wandersword—she’d said as much when they first met. But the thought of her retirement was worrying to him. When she hung up her sword, he would be transferred to some other wandersword, and there were no guarantees that they wouldn’t abuse and degrade him however they saw fit. That seemed to be the default treatment of mon, by his assessment. Her retirement could turn his life into a living hell, subject to the whims of a cruel and arbitrary master—and unlike his life at the manor, he would not have his family to support him. He wouldn’t admit it to her, but privately he wanted nothing more than to stay, for his sake.

:fearfullaugh~1:


Oh, so Pokémon training/ownership in this setting is like weapons ownership in most medieval societies, huh? Where the powers-that-be overwhelmingly didn’t want that in the hands of peasants.

I’m pretty sure that exactly nothing about this dynamic is healthy right now, but it’s interesting to see how Ferry’s dynamic with Prim is a lot more mercenary than most other human-and-Pokémon relationships are in other stories. And it also is a sober reminder that as suboptimal as Ferry finds things, his life could be a lot worse right now.

“Thank you,” he said, perhaps a little too intensely. Prim looked taken aback.

“It’s not a big deal.” She turned her attention away to the merchant, and just like that her aura changed, replaced with her usual stony resolve.

Wonder if the stony front is just standard for Wanderswords, or if that’s a quirk particular to Prim. Not sure if the implication was that she picked up on the subtext of Ferry’s thanks, or if she was in the dark and found it awkward. Not sure which interpretation between the two I like more, really.

The merchant was climbing into his wagon now, reins in hand. “You,” Prim barked at him. “Are you heading to Lumiose?”

“Yes, my lady wandersword.”

“So are we. We’ll escort you there.”

Ferry: “Wait, what? Prim, why on earth would we just volunteer to-?”
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Prim: “I mean, we’ve got a shared destination, so why not?”
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Anxiety pulsed from the merchant, but he nodded. “Very much appreciated.”

This guy’s totally up to something sketch that will come back to bite the gang in the ass, I can already tell.

Prim clapped Ferry on the shoulder. “We’re already behind schedule,” she said, gathering Scout’s reins. “Let’s go.” They climbed onto the gogoat’s back together and followed the wagon down the road, away from the fallen bandits.

I can hear Scout complaining about the weight already. Since I’m pretty sure that Ferry weighs as much as Prim in spite of being shorter.

Ferry fell into his thoughts, strangely soothed by the rhythmic rise and fall of Scout’s haunches with each step. It was silly for him to wish for Prim to stay with him, he realized, and impractical. Their time together was a single step on his quest, a means to an end. He was here to become strong, to learn what he could from Prim, and there was only so much she could teach him. She was not a part of his greater plans, could not be by his side when he shaped the world to his will.

One way or another, they were always going to part ways. Perhaps it was easier if she left him of her own accord.

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Ferry, with all due respect, but you’re going to need more than just yourself to do any reshaping of the world around you. Even your old social structures reflected that.

Seriously, keep the ladyknight who’s good with the pointy blade on a stick on your nice side. It’ll help a lot for navigating human spaces in a world where they don’t seem to really care about you or your well-being.

Ferry was tiring of failure. He looked at his hands with frustration, imagining them engulfed in blue flame. Had that night really happened?

Scout hopped over a puddle, jerking Ferry a few inches into the air. His backside hit the gogoat’s backside hard and a lump formed in his throat.

Ferry: “... How have we not gotten a proper saddle for Scout yet?” >.<
Prim: “No budget.” ^^;

He took another deep breath in, tuning into his aura but distancing himself enough from it that he didn’t spiral as he had on that night with the zoroark. He pushed the memory out of his mind and radiated his aura out from his core to each part of him, standing his hairs on end and tingling his ears and his fingers and his toes. He could feel each heartbeat, every muscle, even the flow of his blood. He drew another deep breath, focusing all his aura into his right fist, and when his lungs were at capacity he thrust his arm out, willing the aura out with it.

He cracked one eye open. Again, nothing.

Prim: “... Ferry, what are you doing right now?”
:what:

Ferry: “... Practicing my aura abilities?”
Prim: “Look, can you do that in a way when we’re not both on Scout together? I’m pretty sure that’s a fast way to get us both to fall off at this rate.”

The sun was approaching its zenith now, but the mossy, intertwined limbs of the oak canopy hanging over the road protected them from the worst of its rays. The merchant’s wagon was rolling onward a fair ways ahead. Perhaps his aura sense was overloaded and blurry from the meditation, but Ferry thought he sensed something strange about the auras around the wagon.

This dude’s the equivalent of a poacher, isn’t he? Since the bigger concern ought to be why you’re feeling aura in general coming from the back of a merchant wagon.

“Still at it back there?” Prim asked, voice lilted with amusement.

“I can’t just give up on it,” Ferry said, rotating back around so he faced forward. Fortunately, he’d become accustomed enough to riding on Scout’s back that he didn’t need to hug Prim from behind anymore to stay aboard.

Oh, so that’s how he’s able to do that arm thrust thing without interfering with Prim. That’s… probably something you want to be more explicit about in the text, since I didn’t realize that Ferry was riding Scout backwards until just now.

“It’ll come to you on its own time,” Prim said. “You just have to be patient. It didn’t come to you that night because you willed it to, did it? It just came.”

“What do you know about it?” Ferry snapped.

“Nothing,” Prim said, shrugging. “You’re right. Keep at it, I guess.”

Kinda wonder whether one or the other of the second and third lines of dialogue ought to be paired with some greater description. Since something about this sequence feels rapid fire in a way that doing something like making Prim hesitate a bit after Ferry snaps would make things feel a bit more expressive or easier to visualize.

Ferry grunted. They rode in silence for a minute, and then Prim spoke up again: “Your fighting has come a really long way, you know. When I met you, that bandit would have taken you down easily. It’s not trivial to take down an armed opponent without a weapon of your own.”

Ferry: “Prim, I am a weapon. That’s why you were assigned me as a companion.” >:|
Prim: “Don’t get too ahead of yourself, Ferry. You almost jobbed to a Zoroark last chapter. You’ve still got a long ways to go before you hit that level.” ^^;

He looked down at his hands and coiled them into fists. He had little trouble picking objects up, but they had learned quickly that there was a reason lucario didn’t wield human weapons. His hands just weren’t built for it. It put him at a frequent disadvantage, but he had trained all the harder to make up for it.

I mean, I would assume that Lucario could wield brass knuckles or gauntlets pretty well even if it’d likely be redundant after enough training. Not that Prim likely has the budget to get one of those.

“It’s not enough,” he said, almost a whisper. “I need to be stronger.”

“Why?” Prim asked. The question caught him off guard, pushed his brain into a different awareness. His mother’s words flashed across his mind, her instructions, her fury.

That moment when you need to pull an explanation out of your butt about how you’re totally not trying to use this strength to get back at the humans that you don’t exactly have fond feelings for.

His mind scrambled to find the right words. Instead, they found a story.

“When I was a riolu, I and the others in my litter were sent out into the woods to hunt pichu, to train us for the day we would have to hunt pikachu instead,” Ferry began. “The riolu that brought back the most pichu got extra food that night, and the ones that brought back none at all went to bed hungry. Out in the woods, where the master couldn’t see, the bigger riolu would steal from the smaller ones like me, leaving them with nothing. When we banded together, the bigger, stronger riolu banded together too, and we never stood a chance.

[ ]

When we told the master what was happening, he called us liars and beat us. Even though it was unfair, even though it was wrong, we learned to keep our heads down.” He clenched his fists, wishing he could force them to obey. “I never want to be too weak to do what’s right again. If I can just figure this out, I never will be.”

I’d personally recommend hacking Ferry’s dialogue up into at least two paragraphs and dropping some description in between. Assuming that Ferry isn’t making all of this up on the spot, he likely has some reaction/opinions to the part where he moves on about talking how his masters dealt with this incident that might be worth showing off, since it’s a potential opportunity to show off how Ferry ticks to the audience.

Prim turned around and looked at him with her brows knit, her aura like a stone. “Is that what you think, Ferry?” she asked him, voice gentle. “That if you learn this magic the whole world is going to open up for you?”

Ferry: “Uh… maybe?”
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“Yes,” Ferry said, trying to ignore her patronizing tone. “This magic is what held my people together. When we had it, we stood against the empire even as the other mon kingdoms fell, and when we lost it, we were conquered. If I can recover it…” He trailed off, feeling he had said too much.

inb4 they got run over even while they had Aura. It just feels like this folktale of Ferry’s is a bit too superstitious and rose-tinted to not have some sort of massive catch to it.

Prim just shook her head. “I hope that for your sake you’re right,” she said. “I don’t know what it is you want, or what you expect, but take it from an old knight like me—strength isn’t everything. One way or another, everyone learns that lesson.”

Least of all because strength is fleeting. Today’s strong men are tomorrow’s doddering and decrepit geriatrics.

Not your emperor, Ferry thought. Not my old master. Not the men who conquered my people. But he didn’t say anything, and neither did Prim. The rest of the ride went on in silence. He rolled the same words over and over in his head.

Prim: “... Are you going to say something, Ferry, or…?”
Ferry: “No. Now, leave me alone.” >_>;

She was wrong.

The people with the strength to dominate others got what they wanted. That was the way of the world. If it could be true for others, it could be true for him.

Yeah, okay there, Nietzche Ferry.

He didn’t want to rule the world. He only wanted to free his people. His mother had urged him that this was the path to that reality, and even Greyscar had agreed. Such things had been done before—the humans had done it before, long ago. Even he knew that.

She was wrong. She didn’t understand what he wanted, and she never could. Strength would be enough for him.

It had to be.

I can already tell that this ‘mon’s gonna have a breakdown at some point in the future in this story. Not that I don’t understand how Ferry came to have this worldview, but it just screams “this is gonna end in tears if you pursue it to its logical conclusion”.

The pen they stood in was a disaster area—just looking at it was making Ferry’s head spin even more than it already was from the city’s concentrated inundation of auras, and the smell certainly didn’t help either.

“Well, take your pick,” Prim said. She stood at his side, arms akimbo, seemingly unbothered by the stench. Ferry supposed she had spent the last decade or two in proximity to a goat. “Whichever one you want, I’ll buy it.”

Ferry: “... Can I skip the steed and stick to riding on Scout with you? Since I’m pretty sure that this isn’t what I’d call a reward.”
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Ferry hadn’t exactly envisioned himself riding a mighty warhorse into battle, but he hadn’t expected this, either. He rubbed his temples as he looked at his choices. A pair of mudbray chased each other around the pen, braying playfully and tackling one another into the mud. A lilac-maned ponyta looked on in disgust from the corner, cautious to stand on the straw so as to keep the shaggy purple hair around its hoofs clean. A juvenile tauros lay napping peacefully in a sunbeam.

Galarian import there? Or else what’s the story of how such Pokémon turn up in Kalos way back when in this story?

He assessed his options, placing a paw on his chin thoughtfully. The tauros would rapidly grow too large and ornery for him to handle. He recalled from his time at the manor that mudbray were strong working animals and receptive to training, but they were slow and could be irritable. Ponyta were blazing fast and fiercely protective of their owners, but inferior pack animals and often prideful. He thought he might prefer the reliability of a mudbray, but they were dreadfully dirty, too, and ponyta were meticulously clean… That could go a long way on the road.

Oh, so there’s differences in levels of sapience among different Pokémon species in this story. Or at least I think that’s the implication since draft Pokémon like Scout and the merchant’s Tauros have not said so much as a peep explicitly in the story thus far.

“Got a favorite?” Prim asked.

“Not yet,” Ferry said. “I’m thinking a mudbray might be best, but at the same time—”

As he spoke, the playing mudbray tumbled into the napping tauros. The bull stood abruptly, snorting and shaking its head with irritation, and chased the mudbray off. A mon that had been laying behind the tauros was revealed. It was a ponyta, its mane a striking indigo, but this one was cowering in the corner of the pen. When it noticed Ferry’s gaze, it scooted further into the corner frantically, hiding its face against a fence post.

Ferry: “I… think that I just found my steed there.”

“That’s the one,” he determined. He stepped toward it and it recoiled at the sounds of his footfalls. It was a timid thing now, but better timid than too rowdy—it would be more responsive to commands this way, more eager to please. With the proper training, it would grow into an obedient and formidable—

Boy, I sure hope that Ponyta aren’t sapient in this setting, since this entire conversation and train of thought from Ferry would take on some undertones really quickly if they are.
:fearfullaugh~1:


“Pardon,” came the voice of the stablekeeper. “There’s another option for your consideration, if you like. She’s a bit high energy, so we keep her separated, but she’s a fine—”

Before the stablekeeper could finish her sentence, the mon came bounding from between her legs and bolted into the pen. She was a green blur of a skiddo, hopping and rolling joyfully in the dust, sprinting about the area, and butting her head into every mon she could. Ferry didn’t have time to react before she bowled through his legs from behind and knocked him into the muck as she made her way to the cowering ponyta. Not one to be tormented, the ponyta let out a whinny of protest and jabbed the skiddo with its horn, a shower of white sparks flying from it. The skiddo let out a bleat of surprise but continued prancing around the pen at lightning speed, undeterred.

Prim: “... I dunno, I think I like the cut of that one’s jib, Ferry.”
Ferry: “Please no.”

“Fuck,” Ferry said, picking himself up and brushing what he hoped was mud off his knees. “Definitely not that one.”

“My god,” Prim said, a huge smile splitting her face. Ferry didn’t think he’d ever seen her grin so widely; it was a little unsettling. “She’s perfect. We’ll take her.”

Ferry: “Prim, you said that I could choose anything I wanted!
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Prim: “Well, I’ve got the money and you already have experience riding Gogoat, so…” ^^

“What?” Ferry said. “No! I want this ponyta!”

“Sorry,” Prim said, still grinning wildly as she shrugged.

“You said I could have my choice!”

“That was fine when the choices were boring.”

This is at once hilarious and really, really cruel for Ferry there. A bit of a harsh reminder that in the end, Ferry just doesn’t have agency in his present circumstances. If Prim’s whims run against his, he’s just left twisting in the wind.

“I…,” Ferry sputtered. His jaw hung slack as the stablekeeper attempted with great effort and little success to wrangle the skiddo into a harness.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Prim insisted. “She’ll never tire out! And she’ll be fast friends with Scout. It’s going to be great.”

Ferry: “Prim. I. Want. My. Ponyta!” >:(
Prim: “Cool, just pay for him then.” :V

Ferry could only shoot his nastiest, most smoldering look of contempt at Prim as she counted at the coins and passed them to the stablekeeper.

“Thank you very much,” she said as she plucked the leash from the stablekeeper’s hands.

“No, thank you,” the stablekeeper said. Ferry wasn’t sure if he was imagining things or if the stablekeeper actually looked relieved to be rid of the thing.

Considering what we saw of how the Skiddo was acting… yeah, the shopkeep totally wanted to be rid of her.

Prim dragged more than led the thing out of the pen. Ferry followed listlessly, sparing one last look at the quaking ponyta in the corner and wondering what might have been.

“Got a name for her in mind?” Prim asked.

Ferry: “Prim, I didn’t even want this damn Skiddo!” >.<
Prim: “Yeah, well that doesn’t mean that you can’t come up with a name for her.” ^^

Ferry peered down at the skiddo and gave it a look of utmost loathing. The skiddo’s eyes glimmered in response, ears flapping. “How about Idiot,” Ferry suggested, scowling.

“Don’t be a jerk,” Prim said. “Let’s call her… Princess.”

Not that ‘Idiot’ wasn’t a massively demeaning name there and rightfully deserved to get shot down, but yeesh. Prim’s really exploiting that power imbalance in her favor right about now, huh?

Ferry: “Seriously, Prim? I can’t even get the name that I want?” >.<
Prim: “Oi, if you’d picked one that wasn’t a blatant insult, I’d have heard you out. You wouldn’t have liked it if I called you ‘Manlet’ for your name, would ya?”
Ferry: “We weren’t even supposed to- You just- AAAARGH!
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Ferry had to admit it fit, somehow. Before he could say as much, they exited the stable. Princess’s eyes lit up at the wide new world she’d entered and she bolted forward, jerking Prim’s arm and almost knocking her onto the cobbles. Legs flailing, she slid to a halt in front of a dandelion poking out from between the cobblestones. Her nostrils flared twice before she peeled her lips back, revealing oblong teeth, and ripped the weed from the ground, chewing gleefully.

Ferry: “This ‘mon has no ‘off’ switch, does she?” >.<
Prim: “Doesn’t look like it. Pretty endearing, huh?” ^^

“Here you go,” Prim said, shoving the leash into Ferry’s hands. “I have some supplies to pick up while we’re here. Why don’t you head to the temple and see if you can find a job for us to do?”

“What? Alone?” Ferry asked. He’d never done that on his own before. Dread tugged at his heart at the thought of it. “With this thing?”

She was still smiling, but Ferry could tell she was completely serious about this. “It’ll be good for you to learn to do that on your own,” she said. Strangely, that strange wistful emotion pulsed from her as she said it. “And it’ll be a great time to bond with Princess here.”

>taking a wild, not-terribly controllable Skiddo to a house of worship

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“I’ll meet you at the temple when I’m done,” she said, and she gave him some brief directions. “You can do it.”

Ferry: “... This is going to be such a disaster.” ._.;

Ferry nodded glumly as she mounted Scout and disappeared into the sea of people. His head throbbed as Princess pulled on the leash furiously, sending a jolt through his shoulder. This was going to be a long few hours… and a long, long journey ahead, if this blasted goat had anything to say about it.

Princess: “*And don’t you forget it!*” >:P

He stared down at the leash in his hand, then to Princess. She was staring up at him with her head cocked, little leafy tail wiggling. “So I guess I’m supposed to ride you,” Ferry said. Princess hopped in place. He sighed, not trusting this little goat as far as he could throw her. Cautiously, he swung one leg around the skiddo and pulled himself over her back. To his surprise, she didn’t buck or bolt but rather stayed in place. Though she had no saddle, Ferry found her leafy pelt surprisingly soft and plush, and she seemed to carry his weight well. He tenderly grabbed hold of her horns and pressed forward slightly. She trotted ahead responsively, chirping happily. This wasn’t half as bad as he expected.

Cue things going comedically wrong in 3… 2…

Ferry steered her toward the promenade that wrapped around the castle. She bleated and broke into a gallop. “Whoa!” Ferry shouted, urging her to slow down, but she ignored him and dashed over the cobblestones ahead, hopping more than running. He sucked in a breath as she darted out of the way of a pedestrian just in time. While Scout’s hops had caused Ferry to come crashing down on his muscled haunches, here he bounced on Princess’s soft, leafy pelt instead. It would have been fun if he weren’t so afraid she would crash into someone at any moment and send him sprawling across the road.

Wow, that was even faster than I thought-

Amazingly, she didn’t. Ferry’s heart was pounding, now from excitement more than fear. He tilted her horns to the left and let out a laugh as she veered across the road and into an alleyway. Princess let out a cry of delight as she hopped into a puddle, splashing brisk water up around them. A ratatta scurried out of their way as they raced down the alley. Clothes hanging on lines overhead swayed from the force of their passage, groups of pidove alighting from the disturbance. She scampered around the corner, hooves slipping on the slick stones. Ferry let out a whoop as she leaped over a low wall, his aura feelers streaming behind him.

… Or maybe not. As messed-up as it was for Prim to just run over Ferry’s desires on a whim, you’ve gotta admit that cowardly Ponyta never would’ve done something like this.

It felt like they were running through back alleys for hours before Ferry remembered he had a job to do. He was sorry to end the fun… He couldn’t remember the last time he’d enjoyed himself so much. Princess’s gallop was reduced to a trot as Ferry pulled back on her horns.

Don’t tell Prim, I said this,” Ferry said, tousling the skiddo’s head from behind, “but you’re not so bad after all.”

Princess bleated in response, and Ferry pretended it was a promise.

Boy is Ferry being carried hard by those differences in sapience right about now, since I doubt Princess would keep mum if she were intelligible. Though I kinda wonder if Ferry’s line there would work better if it was split off from the rest of the description paragraph there.

They walked leisurely down the alleyway, picking their way back to the promenade. It helped that the city was wheel-shaped—the alleys all eventually met spoke-like boulevards jutting out from the city center. Ferry’s headache had retreated a little for now; the adrenaline rush from Princess’s sprinting had done him wonders. He was daydreaming about racing with Scout later on when he heard a familiar voice. He pulled back on Princess’s horns, pulling her to a halt, and he perked up his ears, concentrating on the sound.

Oh, so you kept Lumiose’s street plan roughly consistent with what it is in the present day, huh? Not sure if I’d personally preferred to go full “rat’s nest” like the streets in Paris were prior to the 1850s, or else if it’s better to lean into what the games have to maintain setting continuity. There’s arguments in both directions, though I see you’ve cast your lot in favor of game continuity there.

“… as quickly as I could. I was followed by a wandersword, so I was very careful, you understand…”

It was that same shrill, grating voice.

The merchant.

Yuuuuup, I knew that that guy was fishy. Let’s see what sort of dodgy antics this guy’s really up to.

Ferry knew there had been something amiss about the man. What did he have to fear from a wandersword? The words vindicated him.

Also, no legitimate merchant ought to have felt that on-edge for the entire trip.
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“Mmmmm,” came a second voice. It was scratchy and androgynous. “Careful. Yes. This thing must be done. It is forgiven.”

Ferry tried to make out the aura of the speaker. It was unlike any aura he’d seen before—strange, inscrutable, and remarkably heavy. He felt like if he were close enough, he’d be able to physically pluck it out of the air.

Ferry: “I’m… pretty sure that I’m not supposed to be hearing this right about now and that I’m probably shaving years off my life expectancy by the second, but I wanna know what on earth this guy was hiding from me and Prim.”

There were other auras, too. Several. Most of them were undulating softly… sleeping? And there was a sullen one, one that Ferry thought he recognized somehow.

There was a sinister quality to the auras, a grave edge. They were alert, almost paranoid. This was no routine trade operation.

Ferry wondered what he was getting into.

Ferry: “... I mean, it’s not too late for me to turn around and continue onto the temple…”
:fearfullaugh~1:


“You are free to examine the… wares,” the merchant said. “Ensure they are to your satisfaction.”

“Mm. Examine.” Clothing rustled and wood creaked. “Good. Very good. The master will be pleased. We shall take them all. Yes.”

Oh, so the merchant was a poacher, huh? Since this sounds like Pokémon trafficking right about now.

“Ah…,” the merchant said. “I would like to keep this one. Just the one.” A pause. “I have reason to believe it is… uniquely valuable.”

“Hm. So be it.”

That’s the Shiny of the bunch or something like that, isn’t it?

Quietly, Ferry dismounted Princess, gesturing silently at the skiddo to stay put and remain quiet. She cocked her head at him, tail wiggling slowly. Ferry crept forward a little, toward the alley corner, hoping he might be able to get a better read on the strange aura with some proximity and wondering whether he dared to steal a glimpse. The merchant had been a small man, out of shape, certainly no fighter. If the others appeared unarmed and untrained, too, there was a real chance Ferry could take them all. He didn’t know what this thing was that he’d stumbled into, but he knew in his bones that it was wrong.

That sounds like a really, really fast way to get a knife pulled on you and get shanked, Ferry. Like I get that this guy’s obviously up to no good, but you don’t want to charge into a situation where you’re outnumbered without being dead certain that nobody’s got a nasty ace up their sleeve.

He could intervene—he had the chance to do what was right, and the ability. If he walked away, what kind of person did that make him?

A pragmatist. Considering how precarious your situation is and how you’re literally only orbiting Prim to gather strength to mount a violent revolt, I’m surprised that wouldn’t be on your radar.

And then Princess came bounding up behind him, hooves clopping loudly on the stone. Ferry’s eyes widened.

“A sound,” came a new, heavily-accented voice. “Something is near.”

Ferry: “Whelp, so much for being able to sneak off.”
:uhhh:


Ferry gestured violently at Princess to stay in place, but she seemed to take his movement for play and hopped toward him, bleating. They collided, and Ferry rolled backward past the alley corner and came face to face with the group.

- Ferry gapes up and grimaces -
Ferry: “Er… hi there.”
:fearfullaugh~1:


He only saw them for a moment. The merchant stood by his wagon, staring down at Ferry in shock. At his side, a grotesque purple creature stood waist-tall, one eye of silver and one of blue.

The purple mon grinned widely at him, revealing white, pointed teeth. “Tread carefully, son of Lucar,” it said. Then it snapped its spindly fingers, and they all seemed to melt into their shadows, gone in a blink. Even the wagon vanished. Ferry stared blankly at the suddenly empty alleyway, not understanding. Princess stood over him and licked his head with abandon.

Wait, what on earth was that Pokémon there, a Sableye? I couldn’t really tell what it was based off that passing description.

Though ‘son of Lucar’, huh? I wonder if that’s standard parlance for Pokémon that hailed from the various ‘mon kingdoms that were conquered in this story, or is that a particular quirk of the home of Ferry’s people?

“Damn it!” Ferry cried, shoving Princess off of him and scrambling to his feet. He searched the alley desperately, flaring his aura sense. How in the world had they disappeared like that? And the purple creature had seen him, spoken to him. He probed outward in search of the merchant’s aura, but he was too panicked to concentrate.

Just saying, you probably want to mount a tactical withdrawal right about now, Ferry. Since I’m not convinced at all that those guys are really gone.
:fearfullaugh~1:


Exasperated, he whirled around to Princess, scowling fiercely. “Look what you did! Fucking idiot! I was on the verge of figuring something out and you… You…” He trailed off and slouched a little. Princess looked at him curiously. What had he planned on doing? Was he going to barge in and take them all on? They would have just disappeared anyway.

Again, not convinced they’re really gone, Ferry.

He buried his head in his hands, groaning. The headache was returning. He recoiled in surprise as Princess pressed her face against his, nuzzling him softly. He found himself melting into the embrace, wrapping his arms around her neck and patting her softly on the back.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you, Princess. There’s nothing we could have done anyway.” She bleated softly. He felt a little better. “Come on. Let’s go to the temple.” He stood up with a grunt and swung his leg over her back.

I mean, I’m sure they could’ve done something. Like it probably wouldn’t have ended well, but it’d probably have accomplished more than that. But for the sake of Ferry’s blood pressure, let’s not dwell too much on that. :V

He thought about what he had seen as they walked. The strange purple mon and its twinkling eyes, one silver and one blue. He thought of its peculiar aura, so alien and tangible, like nothing he had ever seen. Its words replayed in his mind, its smile burned into his memory.

… Maybe it wasn’t a Sableye after all. Though I can’t tell what on earth that thing was.

He shivered, couldn’t help but feel that he had made a grave mistake. They had seen him. Spoken to him. Warned him. What did it mean? The memory of their strange disappearance, the way they melted into shadow like a trick of the light, haunted him. It must have been strange magic. He could think of no other explanation.

Ferry: “... Boy I would really feel a lot more at ease right now if I knew that Prim and Scout were nearby right about now.” o_o;

That disturbed him. His heart sunk at the reminder that although his people had forgotten their magic, many in the world had not. It frightened him, made him feel small, but it hardened his resolve, too.

He had to master his magic. Until he did, how could he think to stand against others that had?

Through cheap gimmick tactics like FEAR? I mean, it wouldn’t work for you specifically, but that would definitely make short work of any flashy attack spam.

Though I must say that this is probably the first time I’ve seen “the magic goes away” with regard to Pokémon attacks and abilities, especially used as major a plot device as this. It makes sense, though. Since in a land where vae victis is the rule of the land, suddenly losing the source of your strength will leave you prey to be picked off.

For the first time, a seed of doubt took root in his mind. What if he couldn’t? How could Prim, or any other human for that matter, teach him this? Why had Greyscar gladly sent him away from the only ones who could?

He clenched his fists as he rode, wishing he could understand, and that he could be understood.

I’m… suddenly getting some doubts about the nature of Greyscar’s intentions there. Like that sort of betrayal just feels like it’d be very on-brand with this story’s tone as presented thus far.

The temple was an impressive building despite its poor maintenance. Tall arched windows were carved into the stony side, the vaulted ceiling crowned by an angular steeple. The white standard flag of the Church of Man flapped proudly at the top. Ferry tied Princess to a post outside, instructed her to wait, and approached the temple’s broad wooden door. He swallowed hard. The church was generally unfriendly to mon—it was not called the Church of Man by mistake. They’d stopped in smaller temples in the past, and everything went fine when Prim was there to do the talking, but… this time, she wasn’t. He tried to suppress his dread as he passed through the door.

Well I’m getting ominous vibes from this place already.

Ferry: “In retrospect, I probably should’ve asked Prim if I could just take care of this errand at the door.” ._.

The temple’s interior was musty and mostly dark, except at the back where dust-filled rays of light from the windows illuminated the finely-crafted pulpit. The ceiling seemed to have been painted at some point, but it had peeled to the point that the image could no longer be made out. The central aisle was lined on either side by rickety pews. A huge replica of the prophet’s sword was mounted on the back wall, its hilt trimmed with gold.

All that you’re missing is an Oriflamme associated with past conquests / the Prophet or Emperor, and you’ll complete the vibes of Middle Ages French militarism this place is giving off right about now.

Ferry proceeded down the aisle. The clerics could usually be found at the back. He poked his head into a doorway at the back and found one sitting in the study there, scratching something onto a piece of parchment with a large white quill. The cleric slowly pried his eyes off his parchment and assessed Ferry with a frown. He said nothing but eventually raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“I’m a wandersword,” Ferry said. “I’m interested in any jobs you may have.”

Ferry: “(Please don’t be a dick, please don’t be a dick…)”

“Ah,” the cleric said. He narrowed his eyes and wrote another few words on his parchment, smacking his lips. “A thrall. I would gladly speak to your master about potential jobs.”

Clerics loved to use the word “thrall” for mon like him that aided wanderswords. It made him feel sick.

Wow, so not even hiding it regarding how this society sees the Pokémon in their midst huh. Since even if its lost some of its edge in the modern day, that’s literally a synonymous term to ‘slave’ there.

“My partner,” he emphasized, “is buying supplies. She’ll be here shortly. She asked me to seek a job for her.”

The cleric made a straight face and gave Ferry a half-lidded stare. “The church is happy to aid wanderswords in any way it can. I am less enthused to service their… equipment,” he sneered.

Yuuuup, this guy isn’t even hiding it regarding the intended meaning of ‘thrall’ they use in this setting. That’s certainly gotta get under a ‘mon’s skin if they have the sapience to pick up on this sneering tone.

Hot anger roiled in Ferry’s gut. He clenched his fists and pulled his lips up in a snarl. “You—”

“Is there a problem?” Ferry turned around to find Prim occupying the doorframe just behind him. He hadn’t heard her approach through the rush of blood in his ears. She wore a stern look.

“You must be this one’s master,” the cleric said, dipping his quill into its ink well.

Ferry: “Dammit, Prim. You decide to show up now of all times?” >_>;
Prim: “Is there a problem with that? It’s not like you were about to do something stupid like pick a fistfight with a church cleric, right?” >:|

Ferry gave Prim an indignant look, urging her to say something, but she gave him a look of her own, and its message was clear: Leave it alone.

Least of all because I’m pretty sure that physically harming a cleric as a ‘thrall’ is a fast way to get your life expectancy dropped to zero. ^^;

“That’s right,” she said, pushing past Ferry and placing a hand on the cleric’s desk. “Got any work for us?”

“Yes,” the cleric said. He set his quill in its will and pulled a scroll from below the desk, squinting at the words on it and tracing them with a knobby finger. “Ah. We have several, but I can see plainly that you are an experienced knight.” The cleric’s eyes strayed to the scars on Prim’s face. “There’s one job in particular we’d prefer for a wandersword of your caliber to complete, if it interests you. The younger knights have turned it away.”

Ferry sensed discomfort in Prim’s aura, but she didn’t show it. “Let me hear it,” she said.

Well that’s not an ominous portent at all if the younger Wanderswords are just “nope, nope, nope”-ing their way out the door after getting presented this job. ^^;

“There is an old farmstead a few miles outside the city. I shall provide directions to you, should you accept the job. It was abandoned due to persistent wild mon attacks, and has become the territory of an aggressive nidoking. The former tenant left an heirloom there in a chest below the bed that he wishes to have recovered.”

You know, it sure would be handy if your peasants could train Pokémon so that way they had a fighting chance at not getting run off their farms. Especially with how your civilization is going out of its way to do dodgy stuff to the Pokémon around it.

Ferry retreated behind Prim, relieved to remove himself from the situation and let her do the talking but furious that it was necessary.

Prim nodded thoughtfully. “Nidoking? Fine. I can do that. What’s the reward?”

“Twenty shillings.”

For reference, if you want to play up the French-ness of your setting, you’d probably want something more like “Twenty sols/sous” as the reward. Since shillings are a very Anglosphere type of coinage, whereas the sol and its various permutations were the analogous coin of its sort in France.

Prim cleared her throat. “Goodness.”

“Yes,” the cleric said. “It has been some time since a veteran wandersword has visited this area, and the old man is growing restless, so he has been raising the job’s reward out of his own pocket to expedite its completion. It is my hope you can be the one to finally do so.”

“It would be my pleasure,” Prim said.

Again:

de7.png


Just saying, Prim. I’m pretty sure there’s a reason why the other Wanderswords have been ignoring this job, and it’s not because the pay isn’t good.

“Very good. As for the directions…”

The cleric retrieved a map and began sketching directions onto it. Ferry tuned him out, finding himself focusing on the man’s movements—the way he moved his fingers, the way the droopy skin on his face wiggled when he spoke, the way he blinked slowly and multiple times in succession. He wondered how many other mon had been through here, how many others the cleric had made to feel like property, like dirt. Nothing Ferry could possibly say would ever make the man feel that way. That enraged him. The only thing he could think of was crawling across the desk and smashing a fist into his brittle, saggy face.

I mean, from what this story has depicted of Pokémon’s station in Kalos, you legally are property right now. Which probably isn’t a good portent for how this place would fare if the likes of Reshiram or Zekrom came flying through for a visit. ^^;

Prim clapped him on the shoulder, pulling him out of his reverie. He noticed that his hands were shaking and that his face was twisted with anger; the cleric was giving him a strange look.

Prim: “Erry-Fay. Ide-Hay our-yay emotions-ay etter-bay!” >_>;
Ferry: “Look, that’s easier said than done, alright?” >.<

“Come along, Ferry,” she said, turning to leave. “I think we can do this before dusk if we’re quick.”

Ferry took a deep breath and trailed her out of the study silently, waiting until they were out of the temple to speak the words that were burning on his tongue.

A loud, long stream of expletives about the saggy-faced cleric? :V

“Why did you do that?” he demanded as they stepped outside. He squinted against the sunlight.

… Or he could do that, definitely more reserved than I was expecting.

“Do what?” Prim said, untying Scout from the post. He’d been tied to the same post as Princess—she was having the time of her life scampering around his legs.

“You knew he was going to treat me like that, didn’t you?”

Prim shrugged. “Suspected it.”

“And you sent me in there anyway?”

Prim: “I mean, I was busy and needed a job picked out, so…”
720106605982646283.png

Ferry: “Prim, this isn’t okay!” >.<

“Should I only task you with things that are easy?” she asked, giving him that infernally penetrating maternal gaze of hers. “Or things that work your muscles, but never your mind?”

“No,” Ferry said, chest swelling, “but that’s not the same as giving me an impossible task, a painful task.”

I mean, not that it wasn’t a bit of a dick move for Prim to send you on your own to a place where you obviously wouldn’t be welcome, but not exploding in anger over verbal abuse is a skill that you’d be wise to develop, Ferry. Can’t go mounting that Lucario revolt of yours if you’re getting executed for caving in someone’s face for saying a nasty and snide remark about you as a thrall.

“It wasn’t an impossible task, Ferry,” Prim said. “My task for you was to do your best, and you did.”

“And what did that achieve? Did you just want to demean me?” he asked. “Is this punishment for what I did to the bandit earlier?” He was speaking loudly enough now that passersby could probably hear him clearly, but he couldn’t find it within himself to care. Let them think what they would.

Ferry: “Again, Prim. Exactly nobody would’ve cared what happened to them!” >.<
Prim: “Ferry, this isn’t about that.”
826550123924029450.png


“I’m not your mother,” Prim said. Ferry furrowed his brow, not understanding. “It is not my role to dote on you, to protect you, to shelter you from the evils of this world. You asked me to train you, and that’s what I’m doing.” She pitched her voice upward, speaking more quickly and more intensely. “I am preparing you for a time when I am not with you, preparing you to stand on your own.” She shoved him and he stumbled backward, gritting his teeth and staring back up at her with smoldering rage. “Can you stand on your own, Ferry? What are you without me? What would you have done just now if I wasn’t there?”

Caved the cleric’s head in and then gotten hacked to bits by the guards at the rate he was going, but let’s not dwell on that too much. :V

He wanted to lash out, retort with some scathing truth, but he retreated into himself instead, wilting and turning his head away. She towered over him, her gaze intense, and he felt very small in her shadow. “I don’t know,” he said, just above a whisper.

I mean, you do know, you just don’t want to prove Prim’s point. Like it’s a bit of a fascinating dichotomy for Prim that as dickish and arguably cruel some of her actions in this story are… that she’s been pretty good about having a point about them.

“You don’t know,” Prim repeated. “Don’t you think you should find out before it’s too late? You say you want strength. Well, this is what strength is: getting the things you want from people who hate you without having to raise your hand against them.”

“That isn’t strength,” Ferry said. “That’s… something else. That’s power. I don’t want that.”

“Then what do you want?”

“To protect myself and the people I care about,” he said, surprised by the truth of it. But he left the second part unsaid: that sometimes to protect, you had to strike first.

Prim: “Uh, no. You really want power, Ferry. Especially for someone in your position in this world. Strength without power gets a dozen guards on your ass who will then turn you into a pincushion with their halberds.”
:what:

Ferry: “Look, just because you’re correct doesn’t mean that you’re right.” >_>;

Prim’s gaze softened. Ferry found himself strangely indignant at that. He didn’t want her pity. He wanted her to understand.

“Let me put it another way,” she said. “It’s hard to say this, but Ferry, you are a person with no home to return to. For the rest of your life, you will be an outlander everywhere you go. The most important thing I can teach you is how to deal with people who look down on you for who you are.” She pursed her lips. “You have to understand. I’m only thinking of you.”

Ferry: “You cheated me out of my choice of a steed earlier!” >.<
Prim: “I mean, you were about to make an awful choice for a steed, so I don’t think that’s proving the point you want to make there, Ferry.”
476581281094828033.png


Revelation took hold of him, her words clicking. She was preparing him for a time when she was gone, when he might serve a crueler master who did not advocate for him. She was teaching him how to live in a world that hated him.

He couldn’t meet her eyes. She sounded like Greyscar, preaching the path of assimilation and patient adaptation. What could he say? How could he communicate the depths of her wrongness, make her understand that he would rather die than turn into someone who had accepted an existence of otherness, of enthrallment?

I mean, you could, but I’m pretty sure that that would result in the story ending in pretty short order afterwards since… yeah, that sounds like the sort of thing you’d do before picking a stupid fight with a guard at the gate.

He would not assimilate or adapt. He would create a home to return to. That’s what this was all about, that’s what she didn’t understand.

Least of all because you’ve never told her that or even hinted that you want to build a new home for your people.

But he looked back up at Prim and took in the hard lines of her face, the tender look in her eye, the knot in her brow, the look of concern and sincere care, and he wondered the price of the path he had chosen.

No, he couldn’t tell her any of this. Instead he said: “I understand.” And: “Thank you.”

Boy it sure is a good thing that Ferry has a good poker face there and can keep his aura broadcast off at times like these, since he’s just going and lying through his teeth to Prim’s face there.

She smiled and patted him on the shoulder. “Buck up, kid. We’ve still got a fun day ahead.”

Ferry nodded and untied Princess from the post. As they rode down the street and toward the city walls, he tried to think of that immediate future—fighting side by side with his friend—and not the distant one of blood and ash.

Oh hey, I think that I found Ferry’s mindset in an image:

magikarp-swear.gif


Except s / “evolve” / “get stronger”.

Alright, onto the postmortem:

I had quite a bit of fun with this chapter, and it honestly lived up quite well to the hype I’d heard about it. It’s definitely a much darker take on human and Pokémon dynamics than I generally prefer, but you do a good job at selling the sense of a living and breathing setting, and you managed to get a lot communicated in between the lines for implication and subtle things like Prim and Ferry’s dynamic where you give reminders of who has the power in this world, and how it leads to things like those with that power being cruel with it without really thinking about it.

That and the dynamic of “someone trying to look out for the needs of someone whose desires she cannot fundamentally understand” being paired with a partner who’s cynically using her as a tool by which to try and strengthen up for a revenge plot that if it works, will result in mass bloodletting and destruction, and trying to keep that hidden is a dynamic that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before in another story. I’ll definitely be keeping an eye on where things go, since the state of affairs isn’t sustainable, and I’m not sure if it’ll ultimately end with Ferry modifying his worldview into something a bit less absolutist—Greyscar’s advice on his own terms, perhaps—or if he’s just going to be the guy who against all odds, sets Kalos aflame so that something new can arise from its ashes.

As for things I didn’t like… beyond the stuff that I spotted in my readthrough, there wasn’t all that much. The closest thing to a recurring criticism that isn’t nitpicking about worldbuilding I think would be that there seem to be some places throughout the story where a little extra description would’ve gone a long way for disambiguating things that were going on. It’s your call as an author, but I feel that it might be worth hunting some of those moments down and dropping in a couple sentences here or there to paint more of a picture in those parts. Since hey, additive editing usually is the easiest and least painful sort to deal with.

Though all-in-all, good show, @kyeugh . Not sure if you’ve found this new style to be more helpful or enjoyable than the old one I had or not, but I’ll definitely be keeping an eye on this story in the future.
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
II: What Might Makes

🥳

Several months later, I finally made it here!

Ferry was barely aware of himself
My first thought when I read this passage was that I wanted more detail on what "barely" meant and what he was aware of. Then I realized we were, in fact, getting there, but the short flash-backy moment makes it feel stop and start. Like, it's a lot of text and clouds to say, essentially, that he's zoning out in the direction of his guy's face.

he had spent many mornings laying in the grass
*lying

He’d stared up at the sky, absently transfixed
Not sure about absently transfixed. I feel like it has to be one or the other.

just barely hanging onto the last muddy inches of consciousness
I like this a lot.

It wasn’t until his fist was intercepted mid-swing
You've got some passive voice scattered throughout. Sometimes I think it's inevitable, but I'm not convinced it's the best route each time it appears in this chapter. For example, here it makes me wonder what it feels like for his punch to be intercepted and how Prim does it. Is she stepping between them and absorbing the blow? (Presumably not, so—) Is she catching his arm? Does it unbalance him or hurt or anything?

He couldn’t suppress the part of him that craved her approval.
:c

His wiry limbs didn’t seem to match his portly frame.
Nice description. Fiction tends to over-represent pretty people, so I'm enjoying this random average-looking dude.

snorted and pawed at a pass of grass sticking from the packed-dirt road,
Not sure about "pass." Patch?

“No payment?” Ferry whispered.

“Always the material one,” Prim chided.
Huh, I am curious why he's the one worried about money (except that it provides an excuse for Prim to explain). Like, how often is he handling money? I would think it would be very new to him at best, and likely Prim would be expected to handle transactions anyway. Does he have a good sense of what things cost—and what kinds of financial pressures are sitting on the two of them? Does he have ideas about how much money he needs to achieve his goals?

He had sensed it a few times before, usually when they spoke about the future. It was almost wistful.
Struck out text I think you can cut.

That seemed to be the default treatment of mon, by his assessment.
More suggested cuts.

Prim clapped Ferry on the shoulder. “We’re already behind schedule,”
Behind schedule for what? It might not be too important what specifically it is, but it would be good to know a) how well does Ferry know what they're supposed to be doing? How out of it is he? Has she been communicating the plan to him well or assuming he'll catch up and figure it out? Which leads to the more important stuff, b) how does he feel about it? Is he like, sigh, drudgery? Like oh no stress from having to constantly be on the move?

She was not a part of his greater plans, could not be by his side when he shaped the world to his will.
This feels like a good moment to tie back into that prophecy (?) about the mountain and something he's supposed to find there. Guesses about what it might be?

of her own accord.
This phrase is popping up here a lot.

Ferry was tiring of failure. He looked at his hands with frustration, imagined them engulfed in blue flame. Had that night really happened?

Scout hopped over a puddle,
I was confused about how he was supposed to be sitting. We do get an explanation but it feels a little late. Also, I've never ridden behind someone on a goat, and it's been a loooong time since I've done it on a horse, but I do it on a motorcycle a lot these days, so I'm horrified by the idea of him not holding on tight. I mean, a gogoat probably isn't going as fast as a motorcycle, but the motorcycle is a much smoother ride. On a horse I feel like it could work because there are stirrups you can hold yourself up in, but I've forgotten whether or not there's a saddle. Even then, you'd still have to pay some attention to your weight distribution and how you're sitting, which I can accept Ferry can do automatically by now ... but maybe start there.

“What do you know about it?” Ferry snapped.

“Nothing,” Prim said, shrugging. “You’re right. Keep at it, I guess.”
This really epitomizes their dynamic here. On the one hand, I appreciate the part of this that feels real: for Ferry, Prim can do no right at this moment. He's hurting, she has power, he doesn't. And she's Seen Some Shit enough that she knows to just put her hands up and take a step away from him. However, it was one of several moments in this chapter when I wondered why she wants to train him. What's she getting out of this? From her position of relative privilege, I imagine Ferry constantly snapping at her would be frustrating and exhausting, so she's putting a lot of mental energy into this and deferring her retirement from what must be a dangerous job. Clearly she doesn't want to retire THAT badly ... so what does she want? I assume we'll get into that eventually, but I think some hints at it would be good to work back into this chapter.

His mind scrambled to find the right words. Instead, they found a story.
:eyes:

“I never want to be too weak to do what’s right again. If I can just figure this out, I never will be.”
It wasn't totally clear to me what he thought was right in this situation. To force the bigger riolu into paceful cooperation by force? To overthrow the masters?

One way or another, everyone learns that lesson.”

Not your emperor, Ferry thought. Not my old master. Not the men who conquered my people.
🔥

The pen they stood in was a disaster area—
Suggestion: livestock pen?

seemingly unbothered by the stench. Ferry supposed she had spent the last decade or two in proximity to a goat.
HAHAHAHAHA

A lilac-maned ponyta looked on in disgust from the corner, cautious to stand on the straw so as to keep the shaggy purple hair around its hoofs clean.
:eyes: Pretty please? Can we has unicorn?

When it noticed Ferry’s gaze, it scooted further into the corner frantically, hiding its face against a fence post.

“That’s the one,” he determined.
I wanted his reasoning to come before and not after this declaration. As is, I was like ??? That one, Ferry? That one?

“Pardon,” came the voice of the stablekeeper. “There’s another option for your consideration, if you like. She’s a bit high energy, so we keep her separated, but she’s a fine—”

Before the stablekeeper could finish her sentence, the mon came bounding from between her legs and bolted into the pen.
This might've been one beat too many, the reveal of the blue ponyta then the reveal of the skiddo. Can that first reveal be condensed into the first assessment of the pen?

“What?” Ferry said. “No! I want this ponyta!”

“Sorry,” Prim said, still grinning wildly as she shrugged.

“You said I could have my choice!”

“That was fine when the choices were boring.”
Moments like this made me wonder why Ferry was so insistent to the priest later that he's also a wandersword and Prim is his partner.

This also seems shockingly impractical for her. Is this what's motivating her to train Ferry? She's low-key chaotic and looking to be entertained??

Dread tugged at his heart at the thought of it.
✂️

Strangely, that strange
Strangely strange

Whoa!” Ferry shouted, urging her to slow down,
Might be nice to add something here about it being how he'd seen Prim do it, because he's never steered (?) their gogoat solo, right?

Also, I was having trouble with the scale. Prim was carrying Princess, which made me think she's tiny or that Prim is a giantess. And then Ferry can ride her, but I didn't think he was so much smaller than Prim.

It would have been fun if he weren’t so afraid she would crash into someone at any moment and send him sprawling across the road.

Amazingly, she didn’t. Ferry’s heart was pounding, now from excitement more than fear.
This transition seemed a little abrupt/unearned to me. I would think that if she shot off when he wasn't expecting it, he might only be half-seated on her and that would feel even scarier. Speaking from girl-on-the-back-of-the-motorcycle experience again, I think he's unlikely to be able to enjoy the ride if he can't find a reason to trust Princess and feel safe. OR if something funny happened (MY CABBAGES?) it would ease some of the tension too and make it more believably fun. Like, what if they are crashing into things but one of them is a sack of flour and they're coated and sneezing and suddenly he thinks it's hilarious? (Just spitballing.)

Princess’s gallop was reduced to a trot as Ferry pulled back on her horns.
Passive voice again! If you reorder this to better reflect cause then effect, you can easily make it more active.

There were other auras, too. Several. Most of them were undulating softly… sleeping? And there was a sullen one, one that Ferry thought he recognized somehow.

There was a sinister quality to the auras, a grave edge. They were alert, almost paranoid. This was no routine trade operation.
I was having a hard time with space here. Where is Ferry standing while he's listening to this? Can he be sneaking around the side of something or ducking low so that a wall hides him?

At his side, a grotesque purple creature stood waist-tall, one eye of silver and one of blue.
Sableye? That's my best guess right now.

Princess looked at him curiously. What had he planned on doing? Was he going to barge in and take them all on? They would have just disappeared anyway.
These feel like Princess's thoughts. If they got bumped to a new paragraph, that effect would lessen.

the Church of Man
Nice! I like this. I meannnnn, thanks I hate it, but this fits very nicely into your world.

Ferry tied Princess to a post outside, instructed her to wait,
LOL yeah for a kiddo like that you'd need to rely on her goodwill to keep her in one place. I hope the lead on her collar is made of something she can't chew through.

“I’m a wandersword,” Ferry said.
I'm surprised he's come to identify as a wandersword so quickly. Does he believe this in his heart, or is he just saying it to try to get this priest to cooperate?

“Ah,” the cleric said. He narrowed his eyes and wrote another few words on his parchment, smacking his lips. “A thrall. I would gladly speak to your master about potential jobs.”
Oof.

“My partner,” he emphasized, “is buying supplies. She’ll be here shortly. She asked me to seek a job for her.”
Again, I wondered about "partner." It's not an equal relationship, and he knows it.

“The church is happy to aid wanderswords in any way it can. I am less enthused to service their… equipment,” he sneered.
Suggestion: "The church services wanderwords, not ... livestock."

“You must be this one’s master,” the cleric said, dipping his quill into its ink well.
I wasn't sure how he was so certain so quickly. Maybe instead, "Does this belong to you?" he asked, gesturing at Ferry like a bad smell he was trying to fan away.

You say you want strength. Well, this is what strength is: getting the things you want from people who hate you without having to raise your hand against them.”

“That isn’t strength,” Ferry said. “That’s… something else. That’s power. I don’t want that.”
:eyes: :eyes: :eyes: That sounds like ... !

Quick overall thoughts because it's date night and I gotta jam: enjoying Prim trying to push Ferry to what she sees as independence and his frustrations with her failures to understand where he's coming from. Unclear about what she's getting out of this. The high-speed skiddo romp was fun, but needs something to help transition from ahhh scary to whee fun. On the other hand, acquiring Princess could be condensed a little. The overheard conversation with the suspicious merchant mostly went over my head, at least in part because Ferry was Feeling a lot of Feelings but it was unclear how they related to space and I didn't have much tangible to link them to. I don't have any guesses what they're up to yet! It doesn't sound good, but I'm also not sure yet how it's going to threaten Prim and Ferry, especially since the merchant just teleported away rather than confront Ferry (even though he might know something of their plans now!) Big hype for nidoking cleanup! That is GUAR 👏 AN 👏 TEED to be a shit show and I can't wait. I'm also hype for nidoking in general. It's probably one of the better Gen 1 designs, just a big gnarly kaiju, but I don't see many fan representations of it. Definitely lots of excellent physicality, moves, and all-around narstiness to play with for maximum shenanigans.

👋😘
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
It's been a long time coming, but here I am, reading Wandersword! I wasn't sure at first if I was gonna do one chapter or two for this batch, but I really wanted to continue after the first so I read them both. Here are my thoughts.

Quote Comments

“They’ll arrive a night before we do,” the Wandersword that had escorted him here had said when they’d set out. “Wanderswords ride alone. They have no wagons to bring, no passengers to carry. Compared to us, they’ll ride like the wind.”
I found it a little strange that this Wandersword talked about Wanderswords as "they" instead of "we" as if they weren't one - I guess they're excluding themselves here because what they're saying doesn't currently apply to them, but it still made me wonder for a little bit if there was a mistake or I was misunderstanding something.
“Would that I could answer that question for you, rio-lu.” Little one.
lovelovelove
Her pale blue eyes were sunken into a face creased with worry lines and marred with a single pale scar that ran from her left cheek to the edge of her square jaw. Some of her wavy blonde hair was tied back, and some of it fell in locks that framed her face, accentuating the rectangular shape of her head. Boiled leather armor covered her body, all straps and gleaming buckles, and a huge sword was slung over her back, its brass hilt visible over her shou lder. Ferry thought she looked like a woman who had seen many battles and had spent many nights beneath the stars. Her aura was like a graveler, weighty and impenetrable. In those instants, although he found himself unable to read through her impassive facade, he knew that she was sizing him up just as much as he was her.
This is a really good, extremely vivid description. Sets up her character really well.
No matter,” the clerk said. “I’ll give it my best guess then. F… A… I… R…” He fell silent for a moment, then set his quill down. “That does it. Let it be known that I have officially borne witness to the transfer of ownership of one lucario called Ferrycloth to Ser Primeveire Wanderling, on this twelfth of September… and so on, you get it.”
we laugh now, but there will be a day when a fairy is urgently needed to fend off a rampaging dragon and a small misunderstanding will lead to great tragedy
It was hot for a September day, but the sun was perched behind a cloud, so it at least less bright and warm outside than it had been before.
Is there a word missing in that final clause?
Was Mother wrong about the humans after all? He pushed the thought away. Time would tell.
This is nitpicky and I should be reading this the way it's intended due to context clues ("was Mother wrong about all humans being awful"), but to me it read a bit like Ferry was wondering if his mother was wrong about humans generally being bad towards mon, which feels like a big jump after thinking it so strongly for so long. Though the longer I write this comment for the less sure I am - but this was still my first impression. I think a clarifying "maybe there are some good humans?" or so could be beneficial.
A massive tree loomed in the distance, casting the rooftops in its shadow, and the roads were littered with its gilded leaves. Prim explained to him that the tree was older than the city itself and that some revered it as a nature god. It was only early autumn, she said, but at the season’s peak the streets were flooded with the tree’s huge golden leaves.
*points like a monkey* xerneas
Greyscar used to wake up before anyone else. He would walk to the corner of the room and start in the same square, neutral stance Ferry held now. Then he would move one arm, slowly but so deliberately, and then the next. He’d lift a leg, hold it there, then gradually drop it. The movements were practiced and slow as anything, but at the same time fluid and intentional. He would inch along, almost imperceptibly slow but ever in motion, like an avalugg in migration. He’d had some strange name for it, something in the old lucario tongue, complicated and impossible for Ferry to pronounce. In Kalosian, he had simply called it “Agility.”
Unsure what I'm supposed to take from the speed increasing move being described as very slow - irony or something more to it?
He continued jerking his body violently against their grasp, but the zoroark just tightened their grip, eventually drawing blood as their claws sank into his wrists. Eventually they released one of his wrists, and he pushed his palm into their face frantically, trying with everything in him to push them off of him, but they didn’t seem deterred. They brought their hand to Ferry’s face as if in kind, unflinching despite Ferry’s kicks. They looked almost curious. “The things hunger drives us to… Hunting another hunter. How strange,” they remarked casually. “The hunter of all hunters rises.”

Then they dug their claws into his cranium and dragged them downward, across his face.

Ferry screamed as hot blood trickled into his eye, blurring his vision. He thrashed harder than ever, still to no avail. The zoroark’s claws seemed to penetrate through his skull into his very being, his very soul. They were playing with him. Helplessness and fear and anger and shame and desperation all whirled madly in his core like a wild tempest.
what the fuck was their problem
But they never reached him. Instead a boot collided with their body mid-leap, and their trajectory was cut short; they hit the ground suddenly with a shrill yelp. Ferry watched as a towering figure lowered its leg drew a blade, moonlight dancing off the metal. “I’m giving you a chance to fuck off,” Prim said, her voice almost a whisper but radiating authority, “before I kill you.” The zoroark didn’t need a second warning. They faded into the night in the blink of an eye.
I was actually surprised when I checked the changelog that she killed the zoroark in an earlier version since I thought this was gonna be like a recurring minor antagonist or something. though maybe thats exactly what you changed it for......
Ferry was barely aware of himself as he smashed his fist into the bandit’s face over and over again.
starting this one off with a gamer moment
As a riolu, he had spent many mornings laying in the grass as his elders hunted.
A mon that had been laying behind the tauros was revealed.
Unless laying is actually archaically equivalent to lying, these should be lying as far as I understand.
He assessed his options, placing a paw on his chin thoughtfully.
furrows brow, places paw on chin, goes "hmm" ponderingly
Ferry hadn’t exactly envisioned himself riding a mighty warhorse into battle, but he hadn’t expected this, either. He rubbed his temples as he looked at his choices. A pair of mudbray chased each other around the pen, braying playfully and tackling one another into the mud. A lilac-maned ponyta looked on in disgust from the corner, cautious to stand on the straw so as to keep the shaggy purple hair around its hoofs clean. A juvenile tauros lay napping peacefully in a sunbeam.

He assessed his options, placing a paw on his chin thoughtfully. The tauros would rapidly grow too large and ornery for him to handle. He recalled from his time at the manor that mudbray were strong working animals and receptive to training, but they were slow and could be irritable. Ponyta were blazing fast and fiercely protective of their owners, but inferior pack animals and often prideful. He thought he might prefer the reliability of a mudbray, but they were dreadfully dirty, too, and ponyta were meticulously clean… That could go a long way on the road.
i really like how the aninmal pokemons are so aninmal
“Fuck,” Ferry said,
still funny
Prim dragged more than led the thing out of the pen. Ferry followed listlessly, sparing one last look at the quaking ponyta in the corner and wondering what might have been.
its okay you can just start again from your last save file before this after you beat the game
A ratatta scurried out of their way
*rattata
groups of pidove alighting from the disturbance.
yoo they went so fast the pigeons caught on fire
He only saw them for a moment. The merchant stood by his wagon, staring down at Ferry in shock. At his side, a grotesque purple creature stood waist-tall, one eye of silver and one of blue.

The purple mon grinned widely at him, revealing white, pointed teeth. “Tread carefully, son of Lucar,” it said. Then it snapped its spindly fingers, and they all seemed to melt into their shadows, gone in a blink. Even the wagon vanished. Ferry stared blankly at the suddenly empty alleyway, not understanding. Princess stood over him and licked his head with abandon.
you are not a high enough level to initiate this boss battle now
A huge replica of the prophet’s sword was mounted on the back wall, its hilt trimmed with gold.
yooo sword lore

The white standard flag of the Church of Man flapped proudly at the top.
churchofmanflagwhite.png
amen

---

General Comments

So unfortunately I did read these two chapters like a week or two before getting to this review now, so I only really remember my strongest impressions and not a lot of nuance about those at that, so these general comments are going to be on the shorter side. In general, though, I liked what I read a lot and I think the first chapter did a solid job at establishing the world, the characters and their motivations and the general direction of the story. The climax with the zoroark fight turned out a bit more shonen than expected, but it's the good hype-up kind, so I'm in no way complaining. I think what I wrote in my reading notes at the end of the chapter was "so that was fucking cool", so, you know.

Retrospectively I am a bit surprised that both of these two chapters were entirely from Ferry's POV, as the talk of Wandersword had be under the impression that he was a deuteragonist at best with Prim is the real protagonist. Then again, with only two chapters so far, I don't think I can jump to any conclusions yet. For all I know, the very next chapter could have a POV change to Prim.

I think the only issue I had with these two chapters were that it was unclear to me how much time had passed between the two. Since I was expecting the story to continue right after the end of the first chapter (well, a day or two) in the second chapter, I was surprised to see there had already been some training, with enough of a difference to Ferry's skills for him to beat a bandit he would have lost to before. At this point, though, I figured it must have been a few days, but then there was the mention of them already having stopped by several (smaller) temples, and I wasn't sure anymore what kind of time interval I was meant to imagine - especially since I would have expected Ferry to have had his gamer moment earlier already, but it seemed here like it was the first time that's happened. Maybe I'm just overestimating the amount of foes they would have encountered on the way, but either way, I'm left wondering just how long the timeskip between the chapters was and, more importantly, how long the two have been travelling together now.

I think that does it for all that I have to say. Good stuff so far, and you can count on me to continue with the story when the next chapter comes. Till then, see you around.
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
happy smeargle! we hope you find this pic goes hard
ferryakira.png
 
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