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  • It's time for Thousand Roads' yearly one-shot contest! This year we're focusing on the theme of partnership between humans and Pokémon. You have all February to craft an entry--see more details here!

Pokémon Touch My Tail, Dude!

The Walrein

Pokémon Trainer
Partners
  1. gulpin
Swear words. References to sex.

Touch My Tail, Dude!

Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you, in the green shirt!

Touch my tail, dude!

'No thanks?' Why not?

…come on, you don’t really believe in that ‘thousand-year curse’ thing do you? Well, you should! Because it’s totally true! One hundred percent correct-a-mundo, my bro-slice. A single touch of one of these babies and you’re cursed for the big one-G! So step right up and give ‘em a good ‘ol yank-

...hey, hey, where you going, man? Get back here! See, getting cursed is the whole point, my dude! Duh!

...it isn’t obvious? Do I have to spell it out for you? For a species who named yourselves ‘wise’ twice in Latin, you’re not very smart. Look, it’s simple. You know you’re gonna die one day, right? One day realllllll soon now. I can tell. You smell like leftover meat casserole that you can’t remember when you put it in the fridge, and you’re like, ‘aw man, I should’ve put a label on this’, but then you eat it anyways, because you’re the sort of person who makes bad choices like that, which is why you’re about to bite it, you know dude? Like, if you were the kind of guy who’s gonna see a hundred candles on his cake one day, you wouldn’t have just let a rando fox corner you against a rock wall and start babbling about how he smells like meat-

Whoa, whoa, put away the mace, bro! I’m not making a threat! Just stating the facts, man! My point is, you need help, dude. Without that, I’d say you’ve got like, sixty, seventy years left, tops. Trust me, my nose knows it’s talking about. Yeah, that may seem like a lot now. And I bet fruit flies think baby joltik are ‘really big’. See, here’s the deal: it’s called a thousand-year curse, bro. Not a ‘thousand years or until you have a heart attack or get shot or whatever, whichever comes first’ curse.

Touch my tail, and you’ll live for a thousand years.

What, you don’t believe me? Ever heard of someone called ‘AZ’ before? Kinda tall, flowing white hair, three-thousand years old? Yeah, he didn’t get to that age ‘cause of some made-up ‘ultimate weapon’. That’s crap. No, every thousand years, he just touched a ninetales tail again. That’s right, it works more than once.

Or maybe you’re familiar with this ‘Ash Ketchum’ guy? Yep, he’s a tail-toucher too. That’s why he still looks like a kid despite having been on his Pokemon journey for like a dozen years now. And you know that those two Team Rocket agents who always follow him around also got in on some of that sweet fluffy action. What, you’ve never wondered how come they’re not dead yet despite getting blown up or electrocuted every other day?

Ah, you’re getting curious now, bro! I like that! To answer your question, I’d say ‘inability to get over the death of some stupid plant fairy’ – like seriously, it’s been three-thousand years, move on already - ‘having the maturity of a ten-year-old for eternity’, and ‘getting blown up or electrocuted every other day’, respectively. So, yeah, although we’re not talking I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream level shit here, they’re still, ya know, curses. It sucks having to deal with them, I’m not gonna lie.

…but they’re still better than rotting away and dying after just a few decades, man! Come on! Like, aging itself is basically a dozen curses in itself, especially for you humans! The Curse Of The Enlarged Prostate Gland. The Curse Of The Receding Hairline. The Curse Of Your Goddamn Hip Breaking After Falling Just Three Fucking Feet Dear Christ Why Does My Body Suck So Much.

If it’s so great, why isn’t everyone living to a thousand, you ask? See, here’s the deal – us ninetales can get tail-touch curses too, even if the tails we’re touching are our own! And the most common curse for us to get is – yeah, you guessed it – The Curse Of No One Wanting To Touch Your Tails.

… no, I’m not implying that’s why you don’t want to touch mine! See, I’m smart. I’m friends with a magnemite, and every day he rubs his metallic body all over me and my nine little beauties back there. Then the static makes ‘em repel each other, so I’ve never touched any of my tails my whole evolved life, not even once. That means I’m not cursed, and so you’re totally capable of getting over your bizarre aversion and grabbing yourself a big fluffy serving of thousand-year-long life.

So what are you waiting for? It just takes a few seconds, bro. Really. And you’ve got a whole nine options to chose from! Like, take your freaking pick, man! Here, let me tell you what their names are: From left to right, there’s Mr. Flufferson, The Poofy One, Trixie Longshanks, Ol’ Red Tip, Action Hero, Lulamoon-

- wha – what the – NO, THIS ISN’T SOME FETISH THING! I’m trying to save your life, man! What, you seriously think I get some sort of sick sexual pleasure from letting your grimy ape hands yank at my rear-extensions?

Didn’t it ever occur to you that I’m risking my own life to give you this amazing opportunity? Since I’ve never touched any of my own tails, there’s no guarantee I’ll live a thousand years! I could just randomly die of an asteroid strike or stray hyper-beam at any minute! I’m basically tail-Jesus over here, taking on all of your immortality-rejecting-sins to let you live into the next millenium, and all you can think of is, ‘oh-no, here comes the pervo-fox, better run!’

Maybe I shouldn’t let you touch my tail.

...no, wait, I didn’t really mean that! Wait, stop, I’m begging you, bro! Come back! Everyone else might be too stupid to accept my offer, but that doesn’t have to be you, man! Think of what you’re throwing away!

Please, just do it! You have to! You have to!

Just do it!

Touch my tail, dude!
 
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SparklingEspeon

Insquisitabilitating
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. espurr
  2. fennekin
…What's the catch?

Either way, this was interesting. Something's really not right here. This ninetales wants you to touch their tails, and by doing that supposedly you'll live for a thousand years - renewed every time you touch another tail. There are just so many things that don't add up about that, but I'll temporarily toss logic disputes over how the curse works for exactly a thousand years and why it seems to treat time like a candy dispenser out the window in favor of how Ninetales is overall acting.

At first, they just 'suggest' it to the MC, and when the MC turns them down they immediately begin to drum it up like a car salesperson. And when THAT doesn't work, Ninetales just gets more and more desperate until they're literally pleading at your feet to touch their tails. Which, if Ninetales is to be believed, doesn't make any sense from their point of view? What are THEY getting out of it? Tail rubs (Which I doubt they cared much for in the first place)? I think they're lying about what touching their tails really does, which is why they keep pressing it more and more even after the person has stated that they aren't interested.

When you look at it through that filter it also makes you wonder if Ninetales is lying about the people like Lysandre and Ash as well. Lysandre gets old, while Ash pretty much never changes at all, which might be either just that Ash is just new to it or a fallacy in Ninetales' scheme.

Overall, I think this piece works well as a piece of fridge horror- Ninetales just seems a bit weird until you really begin to think about it...

Freaky!

~SparklingEspeon

Listening to: New Tail - John Powell
 
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Negrek

busy dizzy lazy
Staff
I feel like I've seen this one around but never actually read it for some reason! Seems like I really ought to check it out now, especially considering my current avatar.

For a species who named yourselves ‘wise’ twice in Latin, you’re not very smart.
I feel extremely called out here...

Or maybe you’re familiar with this ‘Ash Ketchum’ guy? Yep, he’s a tail-toucher too. That’s why he still looks like a kid despite having been on his Pokemon journey for like a dozen years now. And you know that those two Team Rocket agents who always follow him around also got in on some of that sweet fluffy action. What, you’ve never wondered how come they’re not dead yet despite getting blown up or electrocuted every other day?
I love this, omg.

Here, let me tell you what their names are: From left to right, there’s Mr. Flufferson, The Poofy One, Trixie Longshanks, Ol’ Red Tip, Action Hero, Lulamoon-
...this was the point where I imagined @Persephone's Pixie reading this and having an aneurysm.

So, was this particular ninetales cursed to sound like a surfer bro, or is that just their personality? This is a really fun twist on the usual aloof, more-mystic-than-thou ninetales stereotype, and as usual you do a great job of tying together a bunch of different (and silly) pokémon elements with a single core idea. The idea of a thousand-year curse meaning you have to be around for a thousand years to suffer it is clever, and yet somehow I don't entirely trust the fox's word on this one. It really seems like a deal that's too good to be true... whether it's some weird fetish thing or not. :P

As always, a very fun little one-shot with a number of clever ideas in it. Thanks for sharing!
 

The Walrein

Pokémon Trainer
Partners
  1. gulpin
…What's the catch?

Either way, this was interesting. Something's really not right here. This ninetales wants you to touch their tails, and by doing that supposedly you'll live for a thousand years - renewed every time you touch another tail. There are just so many things that don't add up about that, but I'll temporarily toss logic disputes over how the curse works for exactly a thousand years and why it seems to treat time like a candy dispenser out the window in favor of how Ninetales is overall acting.

At first, they just 'suggest' it to the MC, and when the MC turns them down they immediately begin to drum it up like a car salesperson. And when THAT doesn't work, Ninetales just gets more and more desperate until they're literally pleading at your feet to touch their tails. Which, if Ninetales is to be believed, doesn't make any sense from their point of view? What are THEY getting out of it? Tail rubs (Which I doubt they cared much for in the first place)? I think they're lying about what touching their tails really does, which is why they keep pressing it more and more even after the person has stated that they aren't interested.

When you look at it through that filter it also makes you wonder if Ninetales is lying about the people like Lysandre and Ash as well. Lysandre gets old, while Ash pretty much never changes at all, which might be either just that Ash is just new to it or a fallacy in Ninetales' scheme.

Overall, I think this piece works well as a piece of fridge horror- Ninetales just seems a bit weird until you really begin to think about it...

Freaky!

~SparklingEspeon

Listening to: New Tail - John Powell

Hey, thanks for the read and review! Yeah, there's definitely an unsettling aspect to this piece...

My personal headcanon here is that this is secretly a tragedy. Ninetales is telling the absolute truth and is doing this out of sheer altruism, but accidentally touched one of his tails at one point and got the 'no one wants to touch your tail curse'.

I feel like I've seen this one around but never actually read it for some reason! Seems like I really ought to check it out now, especially considering my current avatar.

Yup, you might've seen it on Serebii before.

So, was this particular ninetales cursed to sound like a surfer bro, or is that just their personality? This is a really fun twist on the usual aloof, more-mystic-than-thou ninetales stereotype, and as usual you do a great job of tying together a bunch of different (and silly) pokémon elements with a single core idea. The idea of a thousand-year curse meaning you have to be around for a thousand years to suffer it is clever, and yet somehow I don't entirely trust the fox's word on this one. It really seems like a deal that's too good to be true... whether it's some weird fetish thing or not. :P

As always, a very fun little one-shot with a number of clever ideas in it. Thanks for sharing!

I'm guessing the 'intended' meaning of thousand-year curse is that it follows you through a thousand years of reincarnations, but I'm always fond of going with the maximally weird/whimsical interpretation. Thanks for reading!
 

Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
  1. custom/mew-adam
  2. custom/celebi-shiny
Decided to start of my day with a Walrus fic, and that was a good choice I've made.

This was quite the unconventional fanfic to read as it's not really structured like most fanfics out there and reads like an ad for a desperate corporation on the verge of bankruptcy. You can tell just how try hard this Ninetales was being by also giving really unnecessary details in an attempt to get someone to touch his tails, which makes him sound all the more shady. It makes me wonder just what part of his sales pitch is true and which part isn't. Though honestly I'd still touch the tail if it were me, just for curiosity sake. What's the worst that could happen? <( ̄︶ ̄)>
 

kintsugi

golden scars
Location
waiting for the fog to roll out
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. silvally-grass
  2. lapras
  3. golurk
Just when I feel like I've read all of your stuff I find out that I haven't???

I like the choice of narrator here--from the second that we had a ninetales saying "correct-a-mundo, my bro-slice", I knew I was in for a wild ride lol. Regal or spiteful ninetales is boring, old hat, we've been down that road a million times before; true galaxy brain is surfer frat boy ninetales and I am HERE for it. But he does seem like a Deeply Troubled frat boy somewhere beneath all of that staticky, non-touching fur, haha.

I'm also constantly really impressed with your clever takes on canon. At first I was squinting at the screen--how did AZ get all freakish and monstrous if he was cursed with immortality the same way that Ash was, but the answer there is both amusing and satisfying. I like how you still poke at real issues even in the guise of a more light-hearted fic here as well; aging honestly can be such an ugly thing, and it's a kind of curse that we all just live with. You always give me something interesting to think about in these, even while I'm chuckling. I think the pacing on this one is particularly good as well--it doesn't really overstay its welcome, and right when the joke seems to be winding down, the story ends. Comedy is all about timing and I think this one nailed it! Fun little read here.

Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you, in the green shirt!

Touch my tail, dude!

“No thanks?” Why not?
I parsed the "No thanks" as actual spoken dialogue at first, instead of a repetition--maybe italicize this bit?

… no, I’m not implying that’s why you don’t want to touch mine! See, I’m smart. I’m friends with a magnemite, and every day he rubs his metallic body all over me and my nine little beauties back there. Then the static makes ‘em repel each other, so I’ve never touched any of my tails my whole evolved life, not even once. That means I’m not cursed, and so you’re totally capable of getting over your bizarre aversion and grabbing yourself a big fluffy serving of thousand-year-long life.
No!!! if the magnemite friend rubs on the tails every day, is this magnemite friend cursed too? :((( steel boi deserves better

I am, however, deeply tickled by the idea of this regal conversation but then all nine tails are just standing on edge from one another in this giant comical starburst while broseph ninetales is trying to sell us this MLM-style pitch.
 

K_S

Nrml and grnd type fan, with a dash of psn n bug
I.. am hearing this in my head in the fashion of Stupendium's "Crazy red" a la "rouge's gallery"and...

Yeah I'm sharing the sound/song... Here's a link to the song, sorta pg 13 rating here. Crazy Redd song

I'm not in a place here laughing out loud would be good/considerate, so I'm not. But blazes this fic is making this hard. We've got a used car sales man Ninetails wheeling and dealing, trying to make a millennia long curse sound like a blessing in disguise.

I'm wondering what exactly he gets out of it for getting someone to give the tail a tug? Besides amusement if he hangs out. He is a fire type after all, he's naturally equipped with his own popcorn maker/snack warmer if he plays his cards right. I could definitely see him treating the victims of his curses as his private television series/soap opera/reality TV.

"And when looking out from this set of bushes we can see Team Rocket getting electrocuted for x amount of times this week. Judges, please put your guesses as to which order they land and get those score cards qued up, because they're blasting off in three... two... one..." Ohh bonus points for judge so and so, it's the kids newest catch is what tossed them into the stratosphere!"

And so on and so forth.

The fact that the tails are named, and named what they are, punches a giant hole into that"Not a fetish line". Snorts. Does he consult with the tail post tug like a pet owner cooing at their irritated pet when a guest comes over. A la, "Does Mr. Flufferson have a balding curse prepared because Mr. Green Shirt pulled too hard? Well let's whip that out and the usual millennium of bad luck all at once!"

Seriously there's so much that could be built up, added, and elaborated. But for what you've given us it's a short, sweet trip down irrelevancy lane. thank you for sharing this story on the site, it was a treat.
 

The Walrein

Pokémon Trainer
Partners
  1. gulpin
It makes me wonder just what part of his sales pitch is true and which part isn't.

All of it! All of what Ninetales is saying is true!

Though honestly I'd still touch the tail if it were me, just for curiosity sake. What's the worst that could happen? <( ̄︶ ̄)>

Regarding the worst that could happen, I suppose you could suddenly discover you have a Ninetales-fur allergy and also get cursed. Anyhoo, thanks for taking the time to review!

I like how you still poke at real issues even in the guise of a more light-hearted fic here as well; aging honestly can be such an ugly thing, and it's a kind of curse that we all just live with.

I was actually trying to downplay the awfulness of aging a bit here (to keep the fic more lighthearted) by only mentioning some of its less severe consequences, but yeah, it really is a huge problem.

I parsed the "No thanks" as actual spoken dialogue at first, instead of a repetition--maybe italicize this bit?

I tried seeing how it looked with italics, and it made Ninetales' response look more forceful than I intended. I did change it to single quotes, though, similarly to how dialogue is usually quoted within other dialogue.


No!!! if the magnemite friend rubs on the tails every day, is this magnemite friend cursed too? :((( steel boi deserves better

I suppose the magnemite is cursed, but luckily the effect doesn't stack with each additional touch. Not sure what the curse could be - maybe every time they search for something on the internet, the only result they get is a picture of a Greninja eating a sandwich?

I am, however, deeply tickled by the idea of this regal conversation but then all nine tails are just standing on edge from one another in this giant comical starburst while broseph ninetales is trying to sell us this MLM-style pitch.

I usually tend to visualize my scenes as I write them, but in this case I totally overlooked that in my mental imagery until now. Not anymore though!

Thanks for the review; I appreciated your willingness to look beyond the surface level of my ridiculous story.

I'm wondering what exactly he gets out of it for getting someone to give the tail a tug? Besides amusement if he hangs out. He is a fire type after all, he's naturally equipped with his own popcorn maker/snack warmer if he plays his cards right. I could definitely see him treating the victims of his curses as his private television series/soap opera/reality TV.

"And when looking out from this set of bushes we can see Team Rocket getting electrocuted for x amount of times this week. Judges, please put your guesses as to which order they land and get those score cards qued up, because they're blasting off in three... two... one..." Ohh bonus points for judge so and so, it's the kids newest catch is what tossed them into the stratosphere!"

And so on and so forth.

Hmm, I never considered that Ninetales might be doing this, but yeah, he probably is at least keeping tabs on everyone he knows to be under the effects of tale-touch curses. (He himself has only managed to curse his magnemite friend so far, though, if he's to be believed...)

The fact that the tails are named, and named what they are, punches a giant hole into that"Not a fetish line".

Sigh. Have things in this day and age really come to the point where a mon cannot name their own body-parts without being suspected of something untoward?

Seriously there's so much that could be built up, added, and elaborated. But for what you've given us it's a short, sweet trip down irrelevancy lane. thank you for sharing this story on the site, it was a treat.

Glad you liked it! I enjoyed seeing your takes on the idea.
 
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