The White Elephant in the Room Playground

[Tanuki]

Nocitlālin slammed into the remains of Squirt's clothing and trampled his copy of Metal Gear Solid 2. Squirt had left no other remains.

 

[Namohysip]

"Darlin', I'm flattered, but I'm a married man," he quipped.

"Aww, what's marriage ever been but something to play around with?" Darkwhite asked, nuzzling his shoulder before nipping at his ear again. "You know, now that I have a good taste of you, there's something real familiar about you! Can't place it. You've got a funny accent, too. And something about your spirit feels familiar in a weird way." She floated closer. "Can I lick your nose? Then I'll know for sure."

 

[IFBench]

"...h-hey, where's Squirt?" Gen asked, shakily looking around as he noticed the lack of a certain Squirtle in the room.

 

[Tanuki]

"Aww, what's marriage ever been but something to play around with?" Darkwhite asked

The PlayStation Three's voice recordings activated. "Friendly reminder to avoid adult topics. Squirt is a child, so please keep his age in mind when choosing what topics to discuss."

 

[Persephone]

Alarm Lvl 100: Unable to Apply Condition HolidayCheer to UnitDesignate_Squirt

Unit001_101110110 messages UnitDesignate_Gen: UnitDesignate_Squirt is located beneath Unit001_101110110

It never hurt to be polite.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

"Aww, what's marriage ever been but something to play around with? You know, now that I have a good taste of you, there's something real familiar about you! Can't place it. You've got a funny accent, too. And something about your spirit feels familiar in a weird way. Can I lick your nose? Then I'll know for sure."

"Sweetheart, this might just be the strangest flirtin' I ever received. But if'n you're serious, get it over with and we'll find out how ya know me."

Jesse eyed the budding drama surrounding Squirt's loose items of clothing with a raised brow, and very quickly put several pieces of information together. All locations were one, yet Squirt was absent. Kid's clothes were lying about. This was a batshit magical environment and the present had insisted it not be opened early. The possibility of death here was a known quantity. Well then.

"Looks like we got another casualty of this fuckin' place," he said, deadpan. "Now, I don't believe Squirt opened his own gift. I reckon the way this absolute madhouse works is that opening gifts kills the recipient of the gift, and that's what someone did. Now, save me the trouble of findin' you out and fess up. Let's not drag this out."

It was a long shot, but who knew? Maybe the motherfucker would own up and they could all go home early.

 

[Starlight Aurate]

Tabitha scratched an ear with his hind paw--he still wasn't used to feeling that. What on earth were these things? A... wee-yoo? And that Delphox was drinking some sort of alcohol--Tabitha crinkled his nose at the scent. The upsides to being a Mightyena were also downsides: being able to smell everything was not always welcome.

"Sweetheart, this might just be the strangest flirtin' I ever received. But if'n you're serious, get it over with and we'll find out how ya know me."

Tabitha shivered at the sight of the two creatures courting. He hoped that strange creature was NOT interested in every Pokemon with fur.

"Looks like we got another casualty of this fuckin' place," he said, deadpan. "Now, I don't believe Squirt opened his own gift. I reckon the way this absolute madhouse works is that opening gifts kills the recipient of the gift, and that's what someone did. Now, save me the trouble of findin' you out and fess up. Let's not drag this out."

It was a long shot, but who knew? Maybe the motherfucker would own up and they could all go home early.

Tabitha snorted.

"Have you ever worked with criminals or assassins?" he asked the room at large. "That never happens. Cover your tracks. Keep low. Look inconspicuous. Only try to frame those you know you can get away with."

He flicked an ear--perhaps being a villain of a well-known crime organization would NOT bode well for him. But he wasn't backing down. He was in this mess, and since when had he ever been afraid of capture or death?

Without warning, the floor in the center of the room dissolved, twisting into a shapeless mass. From within, a giant spectral dragon emerged as though swimming through the air, radiant gemstones gleaming from its shoulders.

"Sorry I'm late, I was busy trying to come up with an excuse for being late!" the dragon boomed cheerfully. Heaving with exaggerated effort, it tugged on something still within the portal's grasp, finally yanking out a bright red sack, which crashed to the floor with a heavy thud. The portal vanished.

Tabitha yelped and darted under a couch, peering at the celestial being as he trembled in fear. Oh no--it was another divine Pokemon! After the mess with Jirachi, he desperately hoped that legendary Pokemon didn't communicate amongst each other. And he was a Dark-type now--if any of these Pokemon possessed psychic powers, he was undetectable--right?

 

[Tanuki]

Looks like we got another casualty of this fuckin' place,

A disc within the PlayStation whirred to life. Without turning on the television, a new voice came to life. It sounded feminine, soft, and educational. "Please note that Special Agent Squirt is well equipped to prevent any casualties that may occur, before or after their occurrence. It is also important to note that, thanks to spending the night, your bodies are now fully assimilated within their current space.

"However, as this plane is a third dimensional render on a fourth dimensional plane, you are all incompatible with all known universes. If you are to leave before Christmas, space and time will act according to its own laws and eviscerate your existence, body and soul. Please have a nice time, and please be sure Agent Squirt has the best Holiday Season possible."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

"Special Agent Squirt is fuckin' dead," snarled Jesse in the direction of the device. "You placed a child in a room full of strangers and a murderer, and now his spiritual essence is, and I quote, 'eviscerated'. Fuck you, you incompetent, negligent motherfuckers."

 

[IFBench]

Crap crap crap crap crap, he's dead! How will we get home now? Are we stuck here? Did the person who killed Santa do this, too?!

In a corner, Gen was beginning to hyperventilate.

 

[Tanuki]

"Special Agent Squirt is fuckin' dead,"

The voice of a man desperate to explain the serious lore implications of Sonic the Hedgehog and a gaming webcomic responded, "This is not possible. Special Agent Squirt is highly trained in survival, all forms of self-defense known to all beings, and very nice. He is very much alive, as you can clearly see, so please refrain from swearing in front of the child. His parents do not want him to repeat such naughty words."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

The growl in Jesse's throat kept rising.

"Fuckin' get him to report in, then," he snapped.

Jesse's paws twitched, a prickling numbness was spreading over his body, and he clenched his jaw. Fucking bastards. He looked over at the oshawott breathing heavily over in a corner. At least anger was better than panic. He could use anger; panic was a liability. How was everyone gonna react to the changing situation?

"It's time to start deducin' the identity of the killer or killers here," he told the room. "Besides this fuckin' 'Committee' of course. Now, does anyone have any information they'd care to volunteer?"

 

[Tanuki]

"Fuckin' get him to report in, then," he snapped.

“No reports are necessary except for the final briefing. Previous simulations have accounted for every possible variable and deduced every detail but the killer or killers’ identity or identities. This was done so that Squirt may enjoy his Holiday Time without the stress of his duty getting in the way.

“If you are having trouble finding him, hide and seek is a very natural process that plenty of boys his age enjoy. It is nothing to be ashamed of. We have thus trained him in covert operations primarily focused on victory in a Hide and Seek Scenario, should that occur. Please continue to play Hide and Seek with him or admit defeat.”

 

[Persephone]

Hide and Observe. Unit001_101110110 could do this. It was all it had trained for.

[X] Evasive Maneuvers

Unit001_101110110 once again positioned itself behind a present.

 

[Namohysip]

Darkwhite's tongue was quite rough, but once she floated back, she kept her tongue flapping in front of her, and then hummed. "Hmmmm... yep! Yeah I definitely know what you are! You're the dad of someone I ran into a little bit ago! The, uh, what's her name... I forget! Grayish Shinx, though. She tried to beat me up!"

 

[Starlight Aurate]

Darkwhite's tongue was quite rough, but once she floated back, she kept her tongue flapping in front of her, and then hummed. "Hmmmm... yep! Yeah I definitely know what you are! You're the dad of someone I ran into a little bit ago! The, uh, what's her name... I forget! Grayish Shinx, though. She tried to beat me up!"

From his hiding place under the couch, Tabitha wished the Shinx had beaten up that freaky creature. Then he wouldn't have to watch it float about, nipping the ears of that Delphox.

Not that he liked the Delphox, either. Constantly swearing--in front of a child. Tabitha might work with an illegal criminal organization, but at least he knew how to act around children.

Please continue to play Hide and Seek with him or admit defeat.”

He grimaced. He didn't want to particularly do that either. He supposed he could hide under this couch and hope that nobody noticed him--he was undetectable and blended in perfectly with the shadows, so that shouldn't be a problem. But at the same time, it just wasn't like him to hide while others panicked.

Crap crap crap crap crap, he's dead! How will we get home now? Are we stuck here? Did the person who killed Santa do this, too?!

In a corner, Gen was beginning to hyperventilate.

And panicking while a killer (or several) was on the loose was not the way to go about this. He glanced at the Beldum hiding behind a present, its single eye locked on a target. He liked that Beldum. It was easy to understand. It was on the offensive and didn't panic--that Beldum would be a perfect recruit for Team Magma!

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

You're the dad of someone I ran into a little bit ago! The, uh, what's her name... I forget! Grayish Shinx, though. She tried to beat me up!

Brisa—!

"The fuck d'you have to do with my kid?" snarled Jesse. "Did you hurt Brisa? Is she safe?"

Don't get mad. Don't get scared. Stay focused. Gotta find a way out of this situation. Gotta get home.

 

[Namohysip]

"I think she's fine. I'm kinda surprised you care!" Darkwhite laughed, twirling in midair. "The way she talked about you, I thought you'd just shrug her off and say good riddance!"

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

...so. This little shit had met Brisa. And that... that was how she'd taken his absence. Of course. It only made sense. He'd wondered many times how she might have rationalised his departure and failure to return, and he'd somehow always known. It just... didn't make it any less painful to find out at last.

At least she still had Sierra.

"I care," he said, quietly. "I want her safe more than I want anythin' else. I don't know what yer word is worth, and I got no power over you, but I'm askin' ya... don't bring my daughter to harm. She's worth a dozen of me."

 

[windskull]

Blue crinkled his nose as he looked over the absolute farce of a mew. He hated it when gods behaved like irrational children. HIS new would NEVER.

Crap crap crap crap crap, he's dead! How will we get home now? Are we stuck here? Did the person who killed Santa do this, too?!

In a corner, Gen was beginning to hyperventilate.

He ignored her and instead approached the oshawot, gently flicking him with his tail. "Hey, listen. It's going to be okay. We'll figure this out. But panicking isn't going to help. Take deep breaths and try to relax."