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Pokémon The Turing Test Isn’t Such A Big Deal

Skyfire

Youngster
Pronouns
he/they
Summary: Ripley’s Porygon was growing on her, which wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn‘t for the fact that machines weren’t supposed to be trained in the same way Pokemon were.


For her twenty-first birthday, Ripley would've preferred a nice cast iron pan or even a pair of socks, but instead of something useful, or even the luxury of a nice pair of hiking boots, she received a Porygon2. From her Aunt, of course, who was some rich doctor who, apparently, didn’t know that not all computer science students went on to work in cyber security. Or that you weren’t supposed to give Pokemon as gifts, which Ripley had always thought of as a well-known rule. But Porygon2 weren’t exactly Pokemon - more of a computer really, though Ripley was picky about those too.

Maybe she thought it would brighten up Ripley’s mostly empty apartment with its bright blues and pinks. If that was the case, Ripley wished she’d just given her cash, or at least a painting to hang up next to the gaudy one with the mushrooms and fairies, a loving gift from her grandmother. Before she had stopped speaking to her, that is.

Not that she had complained - about her grandmother’s silent treatment or her Aunt’s expensive gifts. She’d never had a Pokemon, having forgone traipsing off into the wilderness for studying hard and having a breakdown. The last time she’d even held a Pokeball it had been her ex-girlfriend's.

*

The Porygon had come in a case like a DVD, Silph Co. logo massive on the cover, with the instructions on how to download it tucked neatly next to the blue-and-pink chip. The instructions hadn’t mentioned the hours of waiting, but Ripley should have expected that. Big downloads, as she knew from bitter experience, always took longer than predicted.

So she took a shower, and finished up her class work, and watched the first ten minutes of what felt like hundreds of terrible movies.

When Ripley finally returned there was a new messaging program on her computer. PoryChat, the easiest way to give commands to a Porygon, was brightly coloured and had come complete with a cheery welcome message.

Ripley didn’t read it. There was something much more interesting at the edge of her screen - her new Porygon2.

It was smaller than she’d thought it would be, pixelated in a way that felt like Silph had tried too hard to be retro and landed in undeniably cute. When she hovered the cursor near it sent out little stars, and a smiley face appeared in PoryChat.

Her new companion acted just like any other program might. Admittedly the little smiley faces and hearts were strange, but the developers who’d made it probably just recognised the need for a little cheer when a program just wouldn’t work.

Ripley just wished they’d made a better way to call Porygons out, but she guessed that was their little joke. That hadn’t made her feel any less ridiculous as she sat in front of her computer, took a deep breath, and shouted, “Come on out!”

She hadn’t been given much time to be embarrassed. Moments later there was a flash of light, and then a weird, sleek bird-thing appeared before her. It beeped at her, harsh and electronic like birdsong filtered through auto tune, and bumped against her cheek. It made her face feel strange and fuzzy, as if she’d just gotten a very small electric shock.

“Hey,” she said softly, a little awestruck at the realisation she had just touched something made only of computer code. “It’s nice to meet you.”

*

Ripley named it Jonesy, after much thought. She had picked Ripley as her name after all, she might as well lean into the theme.

Jonesy was specialised in finding security flaws and bugs in code, and had recently developed an attachment to Ripley’s old stuffed Pidgey, which it liked to rub against with its ‘beak’. It seemed to like the cold better than the heat, not that it got much in the middle of summer, when even the usually energetic Ripley started to feel weighted by the lethargy that came with July.

The third item was the biggest problem - there was nothing in Jonesy’s code that should have allowed for attachment to old stuffed toys. Nor was there anything that could have made it to sing along to Ripley’s old rock records - Ripley had checked and rechecked.

Ripley hadn’t been sure what to do about that. She had never been the type to let go over her initial opinion, but something shifted. When the little heart emoticons appeared on her screen she typed back a smiley face, when it sang the same song over and over she indulged it until neither of them could stand it anymore.

She felt stupid doing it, of course. Even Ripley hadn’t believed something made of code could have a favourite song. She had watched countless videos of how unresponsive the first Porygon models were. They hadn’t reacted to screams or attacks, not doing anything in battles without a command. She knew that Porygon2s weren’t much different.

But she kept its favourite song on anyway.

Even still, Ripley hesitated to call it a Pokemon. It hadn’t acted alive in the same way other Pokemon were - it didn’t eat or sleep, and seemed content inside the digital world of Ripley’s computer.

So Ripley rationalised and ignored and watched as Jonesy cuddled the Pidgey toy, beak tucked over the plushie.

*

“Don’t you think it’s unethical?” Kane, her ex-girlfriend, asked. “I mean, Silph has enough going on without deciding to create life."

"They haven't created life," Ripley said, "You're not out there saying all artificial intelligence is bad, Porygon is the same thing."

"Yeah, well…” Kane floundered, eyes darting, inevitably, towards where Jonesy had set up a pile of pillows to nap in. “It’s just weird, alright? I don’t like it.”

Riplry gritted her teeth and said nothing. She didn’t want to fall into the same patterns that lead to their breakup - Kane provoking, Ripley screaming her head off. She didn't want Jonesy's life to become the subject of one of their petty, meaningless fights.

*

The day after that conversation, when Jonesy had almost finished running through her program for bugs, Jonesy became agitated. It fluttered around until Ripley let it have the Pidgey toy. As the Porygon pressed itself against the worn fluff of the imitation feathers, it calmed down. It crooned a mid of high beeps and low trills, a melody Ripley had never heard before.

It sang beautifully.

Ridley wasn't sure how to deal with that. Usually her thoughts were slow to change, worn away over time until they became something new. This was not slow though - Ripley had felt her attention being dragged away from her programs faster than it ever had before. It wasn’t her main focus anymore. When Jonesy popped out of her computer and shot towards her bedroom, Ripley followed it instead of working late into the night.

“They made you for space travel, did you know that?” Ripley told it, laptop balanced on the edge of her bed so she could scroll through photos of buzzcuts. Jonesy beeped once from where she was nestled into Ripley’s long hair. “I wonder if you would have liked it. Hopefully you’re tough like your namesake.”

She paused and reached up to hug Jonesy to her chest, ignoring the way it beeped indignantly. “I haven’t shown you Alien yet, have I?”

Jonesy trilled in what Ripley thought might be curiosity, so she went hunting for a good copy on the internet. She would return to work after this, of course, but a good movie always cleared her head.

(Jonesy liked it. Jonesy had trilled loudly at all the jumpscares in a way that made it abundantly clear that it had felt something pretty close to fear, had beeped along to the music in all the suspensful parts. This made it a worse movie-going partner than even Kane, which was a real accomplishment.

Jonesy really loved that soundtrack, loved it enough to splice together its own song, darkly suspenseful and full of odd breaks and bad default sound effects. )

*

“I just don’t get it,” she said, turning her laptop around so she could show Kane the music editing software Jonesy had used. “There’s machine learning, and there’s… this. I’ve been doing some research, almost every Porygon2 owner has reported this same phenomenon, and some of the old models showed signs of-“

“Relax,” Kane told her, fingers buried in the fur of her Meowth, who hated Jonesy almost as much as Jonesy hated him. Not that Jonesy could feel hate - Jonesy couldn’t feel anything, as Ripley kept reminding herself. “You said it yourself, it’s just machine learning. Porygon have occasional glitches, but everyone knows that they’re just another editing software. You remember my cousin’s, right? That thing could barely battle, much less sing, or whatever it is you’re claiming.”

Ripley closed her eyes briefly and pressed her fingertips against her eyelids, waiting until her words came easier, “I guess so. AIs aren’t my area, and… I dunno, maybe they programmed the little guys to make their owners more comfortable? I must have missed it. It’s just… I dunno, there’s the Pidgey and-“

“I preferred it when you only talked about normal code,” Kane told her, voice flat, the Meowth in her lap purring like a broken down motorcycle. Ripley bit back an angry retort and the well-meaning joke, digging her nails into her palms.

Jonesy trilled. It sounded, briefly, like laughter.

*

“I think it likes Purr,” Kane said as she watched Jonesy dart in and out of her Liepard’s range. Jonesy hovered just out of reach of Purr’s lazy swats, and showed its displeasure at any hits that landed loudly and shrilly. Jonesy was an agile creature and enjoyed getting to test out its reflexes, even on an uninterested opponent.

Ripley laughed and spun around on her chair, happy at the break from her self-imposed coding challenge. “Jonesy likes everyone,” she said, “Even you.”

“Likes me more than you, that’s for sure.”

”Hey! You’re the one who says Porygons can’t feel. You don’t get to steal Jonesy from me,” Ripley said, and flashed a smile to take the edge off.

”Yeah, well,” Kane propped herself up on one elbow and waved a hand vaguely in the direction of Jonesy and Purr, “It's not like anyone first thoughy is that… I dunno, their microwave can sing.”

“Hah! So you admit it!”

*

There are things Ripley asked her friends with the awareness that they‘ll laugh at her for it for years to come. Particularly when she approached them with questions such as ‘Do you think AIs can gain sentience?’ and ‘I think my robot has emotions’.

She did, in fact, get laughed at. Her old school friend told her brightly that he didn’t think his fridge could think, and that he was busy right now, and to go bother Kane. He ignored the articles she had gathered on Klink and Klefki, where scholars suggested that maybe the Pokemon hadn’t inspired human progression but resulted from it. That the essence that powered Water Pulses could gift objects with a kind of sentience.

Kane, when she bugged her at length about it, told Ripley she was right, though to be fair she’d already admitted as much earlier. Still, Ripley bragged about this obnoxiously, pleased at any chance to win one of her many arguments with Kane. She’d never been one for good sportsmanship, which Kane claimed was what they’d broken up. Kane said that about a lot of things, which Ripley had taken as a good thing. It could joke about it now, instead of awkwardly avoiding every touch.

Ripley had always loved Kane, just like she loved monster movies and computers and Jonesy. A failed try at romance hadn’t changed that.

“Well, what are you going to do about it?” Kane asked her, watching as Ripley leant back against the fuzzy green back of her favourite dingy armchair, one hand resting on Jonesy’s head.

“Dunno yet.” Ripley ran her fingers over the smooth, glassy material that made up Jonesy’s body, pleased at how it matched the blue and pink of her nails. “Complain about it, make it all academic so people don’t call me a conspiracy theorist, try to make something change.”

“I’m pretty sure you’ve made the discovery of a lifetime,” Kane said, “Concrete evidence that essence can animate inanimate objects, or that AIs really are going to take over the world.”

“Maybe I’ll win a prize,” Ripley said, a little more hopeful than she’d have liked, “Now come on, I want to see if Jonesy can play video games.”

*

Kane helped buzz Ripley’s hair in her bathroom, sat on the edge of her bathtub with her feet planted firmly on her bath mat, sturdy brown work boots against yellow-ish plastic. She had sung in time to Jonesy’s beeping, voice cracking at the high notes until she stopped in favour of telling her about some customer or another. Her voice was deep and familiar, and Ripley closed her eyes as her head started to feel lighter and lighter.

It was one of the last days where it was still hot in that thick, sticky kind of way. Kane had joked she would regret this in winter, but Ripley hadn’t thought of cold nights with sweat staining the armpits of her shirt.

Jonesy had been halfway through a song when Ripley got her first look at the new her. The tune was simple, loud and rhythmical even in Jonesy’s electronic voice, and Ripley knew that she loved it.
 
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Negrek

Play the Rain
Staff
Welcome again to the forums! I'm always up for a porygon story, so I figured I'd give this one a look. Although from the title and summary one would expect this to be a story about a Porygon, it's also at least as much a story of the mending of a relationship, as we see the Ripley who was presumably still dealing with the rawness of breaking up with Kane slowly warm to her again until the two of them are comfortably hanging out again, now with a new friend to accompany them.

I really like what a sense we get of Ripley's character we get even from just the first scene. Her personality comes through strongly through the way this Porygon gift and her reaction to it are described, and you do a great capsule review of her general living situation and important relationships in one compact and colorful section. In general you do nice work with your choice of details and strong images; Jonesy's affinity for the pidgey plushie and the way Kane tends to appear in the company of cat pokémon, for example, are great examples of small details that really help the characters feel real and alive, even though we spend relatively little time with them. All in all you accomplish a lot without spending a lot of words to do it, and the story's a rich, colorful read the whole way through.

Ripley's arc is nicely executed, and you pull off some very heartwarming relationships both in Ripley and Jonesy and Riply and Kane. In part because of those strong details! You also do a good job of building things up over the course of the story, with things like the pidgey toy being a common thread through the individual scenes or Ripley's appreciation of buzzcuts being mentioned offhand only for her to end up getting one at the end. There's a wonderful sense of payoff, and everything comes together nicely in the end. It's just a satisfying story all around.

One thing I'd have liked to see a little more payoff to the conceit of Ripley getting a Porygon, specifically, as a present. Ripley getting closer to Jonesy/becoming increasingly convinced she's a proper pokémon nicely parallels her getting closer to Kane, but Kane doesn't really have a lot to do with Jonesy as such. Like, Kane obviously discusses the ethics of Porygon raising and has an interest in how Jonesy's doing, but I don't get the sense that it's something that really interests her or that means much to her outside its association with Ripley. To me it looks like you could as easily have replaced the Porygon with something like an orphaned growlithe or something that Ripley was at first unsure of taking in--this strikes me, at least as you've written it here, as a story that's fundamentally about Ripley and Kane more than it is discovering anything about Porygon. Which is totally fine, but from the framing of the story I was thinking you were interested in playing more with the "what is the nature of a Porygon?" angle. If that's what you were going for, it didn't come through very strongly for me.

I think you also want to work on keeping your tenses consistent. Especially for a story like this, where the passage of time is very important, it can get disorienting when some of the story's in present tense and some's in past tense. Most of the story's in past tense, but at times you slip into present tense, such as for the paragraph beginning "The third item is the biggest problem..." Sometimes you swap tense over the course of a singe sentence, e.g. "Ripley told it, twisted awkwardly on her stomach so she can look up at pictures of stars and buzzcuts" and " Later on Ripley will joke that she shouldn’t have gotten rid of her hair just as the cold crept in, but for now she feels warm and comfortable despite sweat staining the armpits of her shirt." It can be tough to keep to a consistent tense, but I think it makes the reading experience a lot smoother.

You've also got a generally good grasp on punctuation, but dialogue trips you up here and there. You only use a comma before dialogue if the preceding narration refers to how it's being said (e.g. "X asked, "What's that about?"). If it's an action unrelated to dialogue, like "She paused and tilted her head back so she could grin at Jonesy," you want to use a period rather than a comma. Likewise, "Ripley ran her fingers over the smooth plasticky material that made up Jonesy’s body, pleased at how it matched the blue and pink of her nails, differences in shades aside" is a sentence where I wouldn't even guess anything was being said--the "Dunno yet" that comes before it should have a period at the end instead of a comma.

Some other small things I noticed:

“Don’t you think it’s unethical?” Kane, said ex-girlfriend, asked,
I think it would be better to go with "the ex-girlfriend" rather than "said ex-girlfriend here," since Kane hasn't been mentioned for a whole paragraph--you weren't saying anything about her recently. You also want a period after "asked," not a comma.

Jonesy was a Porygon2
This was established earlier, so I wasn't sure why you mentioned it again here.

...content rolling of the syllables that make up its strange language of trills and harsh, electronic beeps.
You need a verb in here somewhere. The content rolling of the syllables what?

This was not slow though - Ridley had felt her attention being dragged away from her programs, quicker than anything else ever had.
The last clause is a bit off because the object is Ripley's attention--what the sentence is actually saying is that nothing had ever been dragged from Ripley more swiftly than her attention. I think what you actually mean to say is that nothing had ever dragged Riley's attention away from her programs faster than this, in which case something like "Ripley had felt her attention being dragged away from her programs faster than it ever had before" would work. Also, for some reason Ripley is "Ridley" in this paragraph.

There are things that one asks their friends with the awareness that they laugh at you for it for years to come.
This sentence reads a little off to me. One thing is that the person being referred to is "one" at first, and then "their" and then "you." I think it would be best to pick one of them and stick with it throughout the whole sentence; it's a bit hard to follow otherwise. You also want "they'll laugh" instead of "they laugh," since the laughter will occur in the future.

Kane helped buzz Ripley’s hair in her bathroom hours before, sat on the edge of her bathtub with her feet planted firmly on her bath mat, sturdy brown work boots against yellow-ish plastic.
This sentence confused me. Hours before what?

That aside, though, I think this is a fun one-shot with a strong voice and a couple of well-realized central relationships. Thanks for posting it here, and I'm excited that it sounds like you've got more stories to share as well. Looking forward to those! And if you're interested in more Porygon stories, I know Wildboots is a fan (and I see she's read this, lol)--you might enjoy her one-shot "Training Data."
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
So, I actually hadn't read this one-shot yet until today--I was just excited to see it here, haha. Negrek was right, though: I do love a porygon story (and fics that center queer relationships!) That said, I really only skimmed her review early this morning when I couldn't fall back asleep, so my apologies if I point out some of the same things she did.

In general, you had a little trouble with tenses and with clause order (which I talked about below in my line reactions). I also agree with Negrek that the porygon seemed to take backstage to Kane. I think that could be fixed by doing a little more at the beginning of the story to establish what porygon are suposedly like and how they’re usually treated. It would nice to see Ripley be surprised by Jonesy as she begins to realize it isn't what she expected--she's pretty distant throughout. All the same, I did enjoy this story! I liked Ripley a lot (that first sentence is basically WildBoots bait), and Jonesy is cute. For the most part, I think your spare, understated sentences are suited to the kind of story you're trying to tell. I feel like there's a joke or a warning in the name Kane--that's a character in Alien, too, isn't it?--but I didn't catch the reference. I liked the mood in that ending scene. It feels like the right kind of intimate. You don't let just anyone cut your hair for you, so it definitely feels private and tender, but the moment wasn't salacious either. It reminded me a lot of my own college experiences and rang true to life in that way.

Summary: Ripley’s Porygon is growing on her, which would be a problem if it wasn‘t for that fact that machines aren’t supposed to trained in the same way Pokemon were.
A couple things here: 1) this is small, but it would be nice if "summary" were boldfaced (and maybe if there were a line break underneath this summary) to help separate it from the fic a little better. 2) You've got a mix of tenses here. (Is, wasn't, aren't, were.) I think past-tense for all of it would probably be best since the fic is mostly in past tense.

On her twenty-first birthday, instead of something more useful, like a nice cast iron pan or even a pack of socks, Ripley received a Porygon2.
Cast iron skillet and socks? Hi, hello, Ripley. You are my exact kind of person. Let's be friends. This tells us a ton about her right away--nicely done.

That said, I thought the interruption was oddly placed. Since the objection (instead of something useful) comes before what she received (a porygon2), it appears to refer back to her twenty-first birthday instead (implying that her birthday is not useful).

Suggestion: For her twenty-first birthday, Ripley would've preferred a nice cast iron pan or even a pair of socks, but instead of something useful, she received a Porygon2.

Or that you weren’t supposed to give Pokemon as gifts, which Ripley had always thought of as a well-known rule, but Porygon2 aren’t exactly Pokemon
Since the story is in past tense, it should be "weren't exactly pokemon." (Matches "weren't supposed to.") I also wanted more separation between "rule" and "but Porygon2," both for rhythm and to give it more impact. An em dash, new sentence, or a semicolon would all do it for me.

If that was the case Ripley
Comma after "case."

a loving gift from her grandmother.

Before she had stopped speaking to her, that is.
The grandma thing is really strongly emphasized by this line break, and I wondered if it should be. We don't get much else about the grandma, after all. The lack of grandma talk elsewhere makes it feel like Ripley is either keeping her distance from it or like she doesn't care all that much/isn't thinking about it, which made the D R A M A feel out-of-place.

She’d never had a Pokemon, having forgone traipsing off into the wilderness for studying hard and having a breakdown, and the last time she’d even held a Pokeball it had been her ex-girlfriend's.
I like the sentiment here! (Nice bit of world-building about the place of trainers in this setting and how regular folks fit in.) However, I tripped over two things in this sentence:

1) I'm unsure about the timeline here! In parts of the narrative, we're referring to Kane as the ex-girlfriend, and in other parts you've gone out of your way to show us that they're not dating yet. I can vibe with the bittersweetness of watching two people come together when you know it's not going to last, but I needed to feel a little more secure about what's happening when. It might even be nice to play up their eventual separation even more throughout the fic, especially in the ending lines--stomp on us real good by serving up this intimate hair-cutting moment and then reminding us that they're going to break up.

2) This one might just be my personal taste, but I sort of want this to be broken into two sentences so it's easier to parse.

It was kind of weird, how obviously the thing wasn’t alive in the same way other Pokemon were. It didn’t eat or sleep, only floated around making harsh beeping noises. It kept hovering around Ripley when she wasn’t coding too, beeping until she gave it a pat or a coding problem
Oh, I really like the detail about how machine-like the porygon is. The third sentence here feels at odds with that, though. The "too" especially makes it feel like the hovering and demanding attention is meant to be part of its not-alive-ness when that seems to me like evidence that it is alive. I think that sentence needs a better transition.

“Don’t you think it’s unethical?” Kane, said ex-girlfriend, asked, “I mean, you hear all those horror stories about that Mew clone - and yeah, yeah, they’re not real, but it’s the same principle.”
I wanted this idea to be teased out a little more because it wasn't clear for me exactly what she meant. Is the idea that it's unethical to create life and therefore it's unethical to create porygon (because they're alive)?

She’d named it Jonesy, after much thought. She had picked Ripley as her name after all, she might as well lean into the theme.
Yesyesyes. I wondered if it was from Alien! Ellen Ripley was definitely my first gay crush, though I didn't realize that for a few decades, lol.

“I just don’t get it,” she told her ex, though at this point they were more normal friends who got into raging fights sometimes,
This was another place I wanted the information to be broken into more sentences to make the information easier to digest.

“There’s machine learning, and there’s… this. I’ve been doing some research, almost every Porygon2 owner has reported this same phenomenon, and some of the old models showed signs of-“
I think this would've landed better for me if I had a stronger idea of what people thought porygon were like, what their supposed limitations are.

who hated Jonesy almost as much as Jonesy hated him. Not that Jonesy could feel hate - Jonesy couldn’t feel anything, as Ripley kept reminding herself.
Hm, I wasn't quite sure about this either. I get that you're having Ripley wonder if she's just projecting onto Jonesy or not, but I think this would work a little better if instead of doing a "it hated him--no, JK, it can't hate things" you structured it more like "[example of Jonesy acting displeased with the cat]--but Ripley reassured herself that it couldn't really be hate because it can't hate things."

Jonesy trilled. It sounded, briefly, like laughter.
Love this line! (It's a smidge ominous!)

The day after that conversation Jonesy demanded the Pidgey toy
Comma after "conversation."

The day after that conversation Jonesy demanded the Pidgey toy as a reward for helping her with her assignment, all agitated and fluttering around. It calmed when she let it press itself against the worn fluff of the Pidgey’s ‘feathers’,
The way this currently reads is that Jonesy was agitated when it was helping her, not as it was demanding the pidgey toy.

Suggestion: The day after that conversation, Jonesy helped her with an assignment. [It might be nice to know how?] As they neared the end of it, Jonesy became agitated, fluttering around until Ripley let it have the Pidgey toy. As the Porygon pressed itself against the worn fluff of the imitation feathers, it calmed down.

Cute image, though.

It sounded beautiful when it sang.
I think this would be stronger without the filter verb (sounded).

Suggestion: Its singing was beautiful.

Ridley wasn't sure how to deal with that. Usually her thoughts were slow to change, worn away over time until they became something new. This was not slow though - Ridley had felt her attention being dragged away from her programs, quicker than anything else ever had.
I wanted to see more evidence of her being dragged away from her work! (Up to this point, I think we've only gotten a comment on how it hovers around her when she's trying to work.) Like, does she resist at first but over time resists less? How does it interrupt her? Watching Alien together definitely feels like a guilty-pleasure distraction except that it comes after these sentences (and could be even stronger as a demonstration of Ripley shirking her work for Jonesy if it ended with something to the effect of "and she promised herself she'd get back to work right after, definitely, for real.")

Ripley told it, twisted awkwardly on her stomach so she can look up pictures of stars and buzzcuts.
I was confused whether she's using the porygon for this or if she's looking at a laptop and the porygon is next to her.

Dallas told her brightly that he didn’t think his plane could cry,
He has a plane? Has Ripley implied that Jonesy can cry? I wasn't sure how to take this.

The tune is simple, fast and loud even in Jonesy’s electronic voice, and Ripley knows that she loves it.
Shifted out of past tense again here.

A couple more recs for fics with loveable porygon:
1. Information Wants to be Free by BeamBrain - one-shot
2. Time and Tide by Cutlerine - a long fic and the porygon doesn't show up right away, but she's a major character.

Hope these thoughts were helpful! Enjoy TR!
 
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Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
  1. mew-adam
  2. celebi-shiny
  3. roserade-adam
Just checked this oneshot out. To put things shortly, I found it to be nice and sweet.

Porygon is a very intriguing pokemon and though I've not seen a lot of stories use the species, the ones I've seen always use their quirks in interesting ways. I like how in here you explore the concept of an ai creature basically gaining sentience and a personality over time. The conversations between Ripley and Kate were also fun, albeit always short and brief.

I think part of the impact of this story's development of Jonesly getting more and more sentient is very dampened by how short this oneshot turned out to be. Even at the part where Ripley and Kane were talking about their discovery of a lifetime, it didn't really feel earned since we didn't see most of the journey taken to get there and the timeline jumped forward often. That being said, this isn't a deal breaker for me and it just comes with the fact that it's a short oneshot.

Overall I still think this oneshot is a worthwhile read. So long as one doesn't fixate on the pacing or the occasional typoes here and there, they're going to have a decent time reading through it.
 

Skyfire

Youngster
Pronouns
he/they
Welcome again to the forums! I'm always up for a porygon story, so I figured I'd give this one a look. Although from the title and summary one would expect this to be a story about a Porygon, it's also at least as much a story of the mending of a relationship, as we see the Ripley who was presumably still dealing with the rawness of breaking up with Kane slowly warm to her again until the two of them are comfortably hanging out again, now with a new friend to accompany them.
Thank you!
One thing I'd have liked to see a little more payoff to the conceit of Ripley getting a Porygon, specifically, as a present. Ripley getting closer to Jonesy/becoming increasingly convinced she's a proper pokémon nicely parallels her getting closer to Kane, but Kane doesn't really have a lot to do with Jonesy as such. Like, Kane obviously discusses the ethics of Porygon raising and has an interest in how Jonesy's doing, but I don't get the sense that it's something that really interests her or that means much to her outside its association with Ripley. To me it looks like you could as easily have replaced the Porygon with something like an orphaned growlithe or something that Ripley was at first unsure of taking in--this strikes me, at least as you've written it here, as a story that's fundamentally about Ripley and Kane more than it is discovering anything about Porygon. Which is totally fine, but from the framing of the story I was thinking you were interested in playing more with the "what is the nature of a Porygon?" angle. If that's what you were going for, it didn't come through very strongly for me.
Yeah, this is a good point. I did come into writing this story with more intention of following that idea, I just got a little sidetracked. I made a few revisions to include more about this, but truthfully I’ll probably end up rewriting it a few more times.
I think you also want to work on keeping your tenses consistent. Especially for a story like this, where the passage of time is very important, it can get disorienting when some of the story's in present tense and some's in past tense. Most of the story's in past tense, but at times you slip into present tense, such as for the paragraph beginning "The third item is the biggest problem..." Sometimes you swap tense over the course of a singe sentence, e.g. "Ripley told it, twisted awkwardly on her stomach so she can look up at pictures of stars and buzzcuts" and " Later on Ripley will joke that she shouldn’t have gotten rid of her hair just as the cold crept in, but for now she feels warm and comfortable despite sweat staining the armpits of her shirt." It can be tough to keep to a consistent tense, but I think it makes the reading experience a lot smoother.
Thank you for pointing this out! Tense changes have always been my biggest enemy.
You've also got a generally good grasp on punctuation, but dialogue trips you up here and there. You only use a comma before dialogue if the preceding narration refers to how it's being said (e.g. "X asked, "What's that about?"). If it's an action unrelated to dialogue, like "She paused and tilted her head back so she could grin at Jonesy," you want to use a period rather than a comma. Likewise, "Ripley ran her fingers over the smooth plasticky material that made up Jonesy’s body, pleased at how it matched the blue and pink of her nails, differences in shades aside" is a sentence where I wouldn't even guess anything was being said--the "Dunno yet" that comes before it should have a period at the end instead of a comma.
Thank you for telling me this - to be honest I wasn’t really aware of that. The rest of your feedback was incredibly helpful, and the recommendation was great.



So, I actually hadn't read this one-shot yet until today--I was just excited to see it here, haha. Negrek was right, though: I do love a porygon story (and fics that center queer relationships!) That said, I really only skimmed her review early this morning when I couldn't fall back asleep, so my apologies if I point out some of the same things she did.
Thank you!
In general, you had a little trouble with tenses and with clause order (which I talked about below in my line reactions). I also agree with Negrek that the porygon seemed to take backstage to Kane. I think that could be fixed by doing a little more at the beginning of the story to establish what porygon are suposedly like and how they’re usually treated. It would nice to see Ripley be surprised by Jonesy as she begins to realize it isn't what she expected--she's pretty distant throughout.
Tenses have always been one of my biggest struggles! As for the porygon... yeah, the story could probably have focused more on the actual nature of AI sentience, but I got a little sidetracked. I posted a rewrite which should probably address some of this, but I‘ll probably have to keep on revising this.
All the same, I did enjoy this story! I liked Ripley a lot (that first sentence is basically WildBoots bait), and Jonesy is cute. For the most part, I think your spare, understated sentences are suited to the kind of story you're trying to tell. I feel like there's a joke or a warning in the name Kane--that's a character in Alien, too, isn't it?--but I didn't catch the reference. I liked the mood in that ending scene. It feels like the right kind of intimate. You don't let just anyone cut your hair for you, so it definitely feels private and tender, but the moment wasn't salacious either. It reminded me a lot of my own college experiences and rang true to life in that way.
Thank you! Kane is a character from Alien (the first one that died, if my memory is right), but it was more just because I’m bad at naming people things that any kind of warning. And yeah, nothing quite so intimate as someone cutting you hair.
The grandma thing is really strongly emphasized by this line break, and I wondered if it should be. We don't get much else about the grandma, after all. The lack of grandma talk elsewhere makes it feel like Ripley is either keeping her distance from it or like she doesn't care all that much/isn't thinking about it, which made the D R A M A feel out-of-place.
Ah yeah, good point! Fixed that.
I like the sentiment here! (Nice bit of world-building about the place of trainers in this setting and how regular folks fit in.) However, I tripped over two things in this sentence:

1) I'm unsure about the timeline here! In parts of the narrative, we're referring to Kane as the ex-girlfriend, and in other parts you've gone out of your way to show us that they're not dating yet. I can vibe with the bittersweetness of watching two people come together when you know it's not going to last, but I needed to feel a little more secure about what's happening when. It might even be nice to play up their eventual separation even more throughout the fic, especially in the ending lines--stomp on us real good by serving up this intimate hair-cutting moment and then reminding us that they're going to break up.

2) This one might just be my personal taste, but I sort of want this to be broken into two sentences so it's easier to parse.
Thank you! I’ve tried to fix the second point but I’m a little unsure about the first - the fic is supposed to be about their friendship after a breakup, not about their getting together? I revised it to try and emphasise that a bit more.
I wanted this idea to be teased out a little more because it wasn't clear for me exactly what she meant. Is the idea that it's unethical to create life and therefore it's unethical to create porygon (because they're alive)?
Expanded on this conversation, though it came out a bit clunky.
Yesyesyes. I wondered if it was from Alien! Ellen Ripley was definitely my first gay crush, though I didn't realize that for a few decades, lol.
Oh, same here! Something about attractive women being badass really makes you reconsider the whole straight thing.
I think this would've landed better for me if I had a stronger idea of what people thought porygon were like, what their supposed limitations are.
Done my best to add more along this vein in the revision.

Thank you for the feedback! My revision hopefully addressed some of it, but I get the feeling I’ll keep on coming back to this one (if nothing else, it’ll be to fix that tense changes that are undoubtably in the new sections). This was a lovely message to get, especially simce I just binge-read all of Continental Divides and your Porygon fic. Thanks for the recommendations as well, both of the stories are great.
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kintsugi

golden scars | pfp by sun
Location
the warmth of summer in the songs you write
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. silvally-grass
  2. lapras
  3. golurk
  4. booper-kintsugi
  5. meloetta-kint-muse
  6. meloetta-kint-dancer
  7. murkrow
  8. yveltal
I had this on my to-review list for a while but I'm the worst evidently.

This is a fun angle of fic, where the world is kind of established and vaguely fantastical, but the characters are just living their best lives. It's kinda soothing in a way to see this mashup of "what right do humans have to create life" and "can I move on from this breakup in a healthy way"; sometimes the really wild and existential questions really do just butt up against the sillier ones. I like how Ripley's relationship with Kane gradually evolves; it's clear that there are some raw emotions but they heal over time. The progression of time is kind of a weird one to portray in fiction, but the angst slowly simmers down and the last scene is both mundane and yet weirdly tender/close; I really do get the feeling that a lot of time has passed and these two are able to be close in a way they wouldn't have been at the beginning of the story.

I think other people have summed up the idea that Jonesy fades off in better language than I could, so I won't harp here, but I do agree a little. At the same time it's kind of a question with no answer; I think to some people, "what are the implications of sentient AI" and "should I remain friends with my ex" have the same nebulous answer of " ... shrug?" and it makes for an interesting arc, even if there isn't a conclusive statement at the end for either of those questions. I like the tiny bits of porygon lore that we do get to see--they were made for space travel! Love that dex entry. They like bird-shaped objects and making music, presumably because they want things that look and sound like them.

Overall, thoroughly enjoyed. Seconding Negrek/Boots' recs for additional porygon fic if you're a fan. There are dozens of us. Dozens!

For her twenty-first birthday, Ripley would've preferred a nice cast iron pan or even a pair of socks, but instead of something useful, or even the luxury of a nice pair of hiking boots, she received a Porygon2.
I thought your intro was really strong here. There's a lot of different things to establish but the first paragraph does a solid job of laying down the groundwork: Ripley's a pretty practical person, and her life has just been slightly upended. The next sentences brush with the whole "should we really be doing this??" question that forms the through-line of the story, and in general I found myself hooked right away. I find that oneshots that are formatted like this, with a lot of fragmentory/shorter scenes that slowly tell a story, really have to establish their scenes right away or else risk losing the reader, and I thought you did a great job here.
Jonesy really loved that soundtrack, loved it enough to splice together its own song, darkly suspenseful and full of odd breaks and bad default sound effects.
This is such a cute image, and the singing motif in general is a really powerful one. I feel like music is one of those weirdly transcendent things that's easy to understand but hard to create, and it's fun to see the other angle of how an AI might try to dip into that wellspring, and what comes out of it ...
It's not like anyone first thoughy is that… I dunno, their microwave can sing.
lil' typo here, but in general the prose is a lot cleaner than I remember reading on the first pass. just wanted to give a shoutouts to your editing job since it looks like you worked really hard on that + it helped my reading experience a lot.
 
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