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Pokémon The Hero of Another Story

Part 1: A World Ends And Begins

AbraPunk

Cosmic Guardian
Location
The Circle
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. luxio
Content warnings for blood, gore, and death. (Also strong language if you're bothered by that.)

Same as the overall content warnings.

Galar was often seen as a perfect starting region for many aspiring Pokémon trainers, thanks to its wide variety of Pokémon, and interesting league structure.

Its smallest town, Wedgehurst, was no different. Although there were no League matches to be held there, and not much in the way of Pokémon, most living in the region held it in regards as a great "first town". It was sparsely populated, as most had gone off on their Pokémon journeys.

Some hung around; mostly friends and family of the adventuring trainers.

However, there were yet others...

◇ ◇ ◇

In a house a bit farther away from the main portion of the town…

A Pokémon trainer sat on a couch, dozing off, while his team were out of their pokeballs and spread out across the main room.

"Er, if I may ask… should we move somewhere more private?" A Girafarig asked softly as he glanced over at a fight happening between a Gliscor and Toxicroak.

"Ah, you are aware that they mean no harm, my equine friend! We need not move from this spot," A Garchomp answered loudly. "As a matter of fact, I quite like the spot we are in now."

"...Okay."

There was a loud THUD as the Gliscor slammed the Toxicroak's head into a wall.

"Markab." A Venusaur said in a low voice.

The Gliscor, Markab, immediately tensed upon hearing his name called. "What?" He called in a quavery voice.

"You know what."

Markab laughed nervously. "Hehe… that was nothing, me an' froggy here was just messin' around," He nudged the dazed Toxicroak with a pincer. "Right?"

The Toxicroak dislodged his head from the hole in the wall. "Ugh, bastard! The hell did we tell ya 'bout roughhousing the rest of us?!"

The Gliscor did his best approximation of a shrug. "I dunno, what?"

"Don't do it, you bloody twat!" The Toxicroak yelled as he swatted at Markab.

The Gliscor smirked and glided out of reach. "Nyeh, piss off with all that, yeah? Ain't no fun when you can't even show everyone who's da boss 'round here."

The Venusaur glared at Markab, vines hanging in the air. "You'd best hope you're referring to me when you say 'da boss'."

"Nyeh heh... o' course."

The Girafarig exchanged a glance with the Garchomp as the two of them watched this confrontation.

"I told you."

"Ah, fret not. 'Tis a trivial matter, and it shall be resolved shortly."

"Still, I'd prefer if we… maybe moved." he said as he shuffled his hooves around.

"What are you guys talking about?" A snide Luxray said as he came over to the two, glancing between them.

"Oh, n-nothing."

The Luxray hissed and said, "I wasn't born yesterday, you know. You're not talking about nothing. That's impossible. So, come on, spit it out."

The Garchomp narrowed his eyes and glared at the Luxray. "What we discuss is none of your business. I should think that you would know such a thing, especially considering you've been part of this team for such a long time."

"Who asked you, scales?"

The Garchomp snarled and fully turned towards the Luxray, ready to pounce. The Girafarig put a hoof on the Garchomp's leg.

"Antares. Don't." He said as he shook his head.

The Luxray laughed mockingly. "Ah, the big dragon needs his boyfriend around to keep him in check."

Antares kept glaring at the Luxray.

The Girafarig took his hoof off of Antares's leg and shakily said, "N-No, that's… we're not together."

"Ha, sure you're not. I bet you're just saying that so-- hrk!" The Luxray's sentence was cut off as a thick vine came and wrapped itself around his neck.

"Vega. Leave them alone." The Venusaur rumbled as his vine dragged the Luxray away from the Girafarig and Antares.

"Ngh… fine." Vega muttered as the vine withdrew from his neck.

Antares glanced over at the Girafarig. "My apologies for the interruption."

"Huh? I don't know why you're apologizing, but… okay." He sighed as he glanced around the room, and gasped once he saw the clock. "Oh! It's almost time, let me wake up our trainer…"

He walked slowly over to the sleeping trainer and nudged him. The trainer jolted awake, looking around before his gaze settled on Girafarig. He heaved out a sigh. "Damn, scared me. Thanks, Graffias." He chuckled as he patted the giraffe on the head.

He stretched and announced, "Alright, guys, today's gonna be easy. We're just doing some training later. Got that?"

His team each affirmed.

"Awesome. So, let's, uh…" He faltered as his gaze landed on the hole in the wall.

Markab pushed himself away from the Toxicroak, glancing off to the side.

"Heh, guess you guys were too worked up, huh?" He shrugged as he stood. "Polaris, you need some healing, or are you good?"

Polaris, the Toxicroak, shook his head. "Nah."

"Cool. Uh, what else… hey, Regulus, can you get the remote? Wanna see what's up with the rest of the region."

The Venusaur used his vine to grab the remote that lay in the far corner of the room, managing to press the power button as well.

The television turned on to show a news report about a legendary Pokémon being spotted in Wyndon.

It showed a crowd of people around the exterior of Wyndon Stadium. Champion Leon and his prized Charizard were there, too, waving to the crowd. Leon beckoned the legendary pokemon to come forward.

A stag-like pokemon strode into frame, each step measured and precise. It possessed an air of regality that demanded awe and respect.

The trainer gasped and said, "Cobalion! Dude, that's awesome…" and then fell into awed silence as he continued watching the news report.

Antares wasn't paying attention to it, though, because on the news ticker, there was something horrible.

{MASS DESTRUCTION IN KANTO, HOENN; DEATH TOLL ESTIMATED IN THE MILLIONS}

He turned to Graffias, whose eyes were firmly locked on the ticker headline. The giraffe was trembling as he kept looking.

Antares looked for anything else, but that was the only headline. It kept repeating. Over and over.

He finally looked back up to the news report, and saw that the Champion was trying to talk to Cobalion.

It seemed to be going well, though Antares knew it was a one-way conversation. Humans did not understand Pokémon. They never did.

But despite that, Leon talked, on and on, about the region and the culture and…

Cobalion said five words. "Silence. Humanity's end has come."

Antares shook as he quickly glanced around at the rest of the team.

Regulus grumbled "What.", while Vega's and Markab's jaws dropped. Polaris twisted his face in confusion; and Graffias…

Graffias was as still as a Zen Darmanitan, eyes wide and watery. "No…"

The trainer, however, remained oblivious.

The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion. A small pool was already forming where his head had landed.

The crowd screamed and dispersed, and the trainer likewise yelled in shock.

"Oh, shit!"

The camera remained where it was, though, likely as a result of the cameraman running off without it.

As a result, the broadcast still showed the following moments.

Leon's Charizard roared in fury and grief, before spewing a massive stream of flames from its maw.

Cobalion was unfazed, though, and galloped through the stream, ramming its antlers into the Charizard's stomach, getting drenched in blood, then slashing to the side, effectively disemboweling its opponent.

The great lizard fell, dead, and Cobalion trotted off-screen.

The news ticker displayed the same headline as earlier.

Antares tore his gaze away from the screen. He slowly turned to look at everyone else.

Most everyone was frozen in shock. Graffias, though, was staring at the wall, trembling.

The giraffe suddenly whipped his head around, a terrified light in his eyes. "E-Everyone stay where you are!" He galloped over to where everyone else was gathered, and concentrated Psychic energy into manifesting a large barrier around the group.

Seconds later, the entire world seemed to quake, as a deep rumbling filled the silent air. Antares stumbled briefly under the intensity of the ground's shuddering, but quickly righted himself. He could distantly hear the sounds of various objects crashing to the floor as the earthquake continued.

Then it was over as abruptly as it had begun. Silence once again. Almost everyone remained exactly where they were, still too stunned from the murders they had seen to do much of anything else.

Graffias just shook his head, eyes wide. "That wasn't it."

There was only the faintest woosh of air, then everything around the barrier was blown away in a massive explosion, flames consuming whatever had remained standing.

It only took a simple glance outside to figure out what was going on.

A titanic white dragon was soaring through the sky, dropping massive fireballs and flamethrowers upon the surrounding area.

Antares' breath hitched in his throat as he stared out at the destruction, and the one causing it. A Pokémon only known through myths, one who was said to appear only to those who would wish for, and work towards, a world of truth.

"Reshiram." He whispered, both in awe and in fear simultaneously.

The mythical dragon's flight path abruptly changed course, so that it was now heading straight towards the group.

Graffias whimpered, and squeaked out in a trembling voice, "M-My barrier won't be able to protect us from anything else… we're gonna have to run."

Antares stared at the white dragon of myth as it rapidly descended from the skies. He was only vaguely aware of Regulus trying his best to relay what was going on to the trainer.

Then came Graffias' slightly less shaky voice, "O-Okay… one… two… run!"

On his word, everyone scattered, getting out of the destroyed house however they could. Antares settled for simply flying over the rubble.

Everyone regrouped just outside, only seconds before Reshiram itself landed in front of them, shaking the earth to its core upon impact.

"...Abandon your 'trainer', and you all shall be spared."

Silence... for only a few moments.

Markab spat on the floor before saying, "Th'fuck you just say to us?! Y'think we're fuckin' fools, eh? We ain't leavin' Zach here, no fuckin' way in hell."

Regulus glared at Markab, then turned an equally icy gaze to Reshiram. "Apologies for the crude language. We will not be leaving our trainer," He crouched slightly, vines hanging in the air. "And you are mistaken if you think we will surrender to you."

Reshiram's piercing blue eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Very well. Perish, then, like the mindless slaves you are."

Flames burst forth from all directions, smothering the air in smoke and darkness.

Antares could no longer see any of the sky nor sun, but was still able to see everything on the ground quite clearly. He looked around to see that everyone had scattered and were all now trying their best to fight off Reshiram.

All except Vega, who'd gone running as fast as he could. He'd almost made it to where the smoke might have cleared up when he was struck by a beam of blue-orange energy. The Luxray stopped dead in his tracks, and fell to the ground in two halves, entrails spilling out.

Antares gaped at the sight. He'd… just watched someone die. He hadn't even really considered Vega a friend, but seeing such a gruesome thing done to anyone

Reshiram turned to Regulus next.

The Venusaur snarled as he looked up at his certain death, his vines thrashing in the air. The bulbous tips of his vines glowed purple, and both of them wrapped around one of Reshiram's legs, burrowing deep beneath her scales and fur. She roared as the toxins worked their way through her blood.

Polaris came running, leaping and stabbing his poisonous claws into the legendary Pokémon's other leg. He stayed latched on for a solid few seconds, before dramatically leaping off, doing flips in the air, leaving two holes in the legendary's leg that his poison now leaked out of. He landed next to Regulus and exhaled deeply, bouncing on his toes. "Bloody tough one, this is."

The legendary dragon stared down at them, collecting a mass of fire within her maw, before opening her mouth and spewing flames directly at the two of them. Polaris was quick enough to be able to flip out of the way. Regulus was not. He stood his ground and did not let out even a grunt as he was consumed by the flames. When the flames died down, nothing recognizable remained of the stalwart Venusaur.

Antares, deciding he'd seen two deaths too many, flew up to Reshiram's neck from behind, and grabbed on to her scales, sinking his claws and fangs deep into her neck, drawing out mass amounts of golden blood. The legendary Pokémon lurched, and then Antares found himself within the middle of a blazing inferno. Thankfully, he was resistant to the divine flames, thanks to his Dragon-typing.

Despite the crucible of flame, he clung on, wanting nothing more than to have Reshiram dead. Antares was doused in her blood by now, horribly warm and sticky and disgusting. He blinked it out of his eyes, and continued his feral assault.

Elsewhere, Graffias was bombarding the legendary Pokémon with whatever he could find within the remains of burned homes. His trainer hid behind him, with Markab also nearby.

The Gliscor hissed. "I'm goin' at 'em. Don't ya try n' stop me, y'hear?"

Graffias' concentration was broken, the pink glow of Psychic energy around his horns fading away. "Wh-What?! No, you can't! You'll die!"

Markab smirked. "Heh, yeah. Ain't no better way I can go out."

Polaris ran up to the small group, panting. "Shit, we're alright for now. I saw Antares distracting her, but who knows how much time that ballsy bastard'll buy us."

Markab clicked his pincers, then gave a lopsided smile to Polaris. "I was plannin' on goin' up next… after ol' scaly bites the dust, o' course. I mean, he's a tough bastard, f'sure, but… no chance for him livin'. Anyways, y'think ya'd wanna come with? One last little bit o' fun…?"

Polaris stared at the Gliscor for a few seconds, before sighing and offering his own resigned smile. "Why the hell not." He glanced over at where Antares was still savagely attacking Reshiram. "Hmm. Maybe if we go now, we might be able to take her out? I mean, fuck's sake, she's pouring more blood from her neck than any of us have in our whole bodies."

"...Y'might be right with that! Fuckin' hell, ya genius! C'mon, then!" Markab sped off, taking to the skies, Polaris following on foot.

Graffias trembled as he watched them go. He knew he couldn't have stopped them if he'd tried. They wouldn't have listened. He turned to his trainer, who'd been rendered speechless this entire time. "I know you don't understand me... I'm so sorry." He turned to watch the rest of the carnage.

Markab soared high, roughly level with Reshiram's head. He fired off a few razor-sharp solidified blades of air. They did little more than annoy the legendary Pokémon, judging by how her eyes snapped towards him and narrowed. He turned to gain more distance, when he was hit by something massive, sending him crashing to the ground. He attempted to get up, but caught sight of a massive shadow looming over him; he knew this was the end. The Gliscor locked eyes with Polaris, who was watching in horror, knowing there was nothing he could do. Markab gave his only friend one last smile. "Heh… thanks for all the fun times."

Reshiram's foot came down upon the Gliscor, crushing and splattering him against the ground.

Polaris fell to his knees, unable to take his eyes off of the puddle of blood that used to be his friend. He didn't move even when one of Reshiram's wings came down, scooping him up within the massive claws that rested atop it. Even as the legendary Pokémon's maw opened, he didn't resist. All he could muster was a weak "Just do it already." before his top half was severed from his bottom half by Reshiram's fangs.

Antares had slowed his attack by now, his energy far too low for such a fight. He still weakly clung on to Reshiram's scales, a fine layer of fur matted with her own blood. Reluctantly, he released his grip and flew away, so high up that the air was much clearer than it was below. He needed this breather. Antares was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the sky rapidly darkening with storm clouds until a clap of thunder startled him out of his musings. He looked around to find the entire sky dark.

"This… should not be possible. How…?" Lightning struck again, and with it the booming thunder. Antares shook his head. He needed to get back in there and save whoever was left. He flew in a loop a few times, mostly to burn off the blood that still stuck to him. Once he was satisfied, he dove back down to where all of the death and destruction was.

Graffias was powerless in Reshiram's grasp. Even as he thrashed and squirmed, he knew there was no escaping. The trainer had died only a few minutes ago, the fire's smoke flooding his lungs and suffocating him. Thus, Graffias was the only survivor… him and Antares, wherever he was.

Antares breached the smoke line and saw Graffias within the legendary Pokémon's hold. He flew even faster, hoping he could make it in time--

Graffias choked as a horrible pressure was put on his neck. It felt as though all his vertebrae would be shattered at any moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Antares desperately trying to reach him. The Girafarig managed a weak smile, and rasped out, "I'm sorry."

Antares watched Reshiram flick her wing, and with it Graffias' neck bent in a completely wrong direction, the cracking of his bones audible.

Antares had failed to save anyone. That much was obvious. The town, possibly the region, and maybe even all regions lay in ruin. However, there was always hope. He still had hope that he could do something good. He could kill the legendary Pokémon that caused all of this death. Yes, that would do it.

He turned his gaze towards Reshiram, seeing the blood flowing from her neck, and the poison infecting her legs, turning parts of them a deep purple. Antares was proud of what everyone had done, and now it was his job to finish this. He needed to be up higher, though; he might have been able to resist those flames for a long time, but even he had his limits. His innards burned as though a hot metal rod had been shoved through them.

Quickly, he dove towards Reshiram and slashed her across the face, drawing out more of that bizarre golden blood. He then ascended as rapidly as possible, and was almost relieved to hear Reshiram roaring amidst the deafening wingbeats that signaled her following him into the clearer air.

Once he was clear of the smoke, and he was able to clearly see the storm clouds, he stopped and waited. Reshiram appeared only seconds later, though Antares was pleased to take notice of how her wingbeats were slowing, and her eyes were dull. She was weak.

He rushed in to do as much damage as he could, but was enveloped by a massive fiery beam of blue-orange energy. It stung at his scales as though he were being stabbed by a million knives. He gritted his teeth and endured, firing a beam of his own once the attack stopped. It struck Reshiram directly, and she was sent backwards a few inches. The impact left a noticeable burn mark on her chest, but other than that, there appeared to be no major damage.

Antares moved in again, but was quickly consumed by another beam from Reshiram. He continued moving through the beam, slashing wildly at her once he was close enough. Reshiram returned the favor in kind, gouging deep claw marks across Antares' body, his own crimson blood flowing freely.

He was fully prepared to meet his end here. Perhaps he deserved it, for not doing enough to help everyone when he had every chance to--

Without any prior indication of just how weak she was, Reshiram fell, her body hurtling towards the earth. Before she hit the ground, a massive, swirling pillar of flame consumed her. When it cleared, she too was gone.

Antares could have stopped to ponder this, but he too swayed and fell from the sky, his injuries far too dire for any regular Pokémon to handle.

He knew nobody would save him, of course not, there was nobody left.

But something did. Antares was only inches above the ground, and yet he was suspended as though held up by an invisible force, which… perhaps he was.

Consciousness beginning to slip, he looked around as best as he could, and found only an Ampharos looking at him.

"Hm. How curious." They said before releasing Antares from whatever invisible force had been holding him.

They then proceeded to pick up Antares, which even with his barely-there conscious, knew a regular Ampharos should not have been able to do.

"...I suppose I should take this one to…" The Ampharos trailed off into muttering to himself, whatever it was Antares couldn't hear.

After a few seconds, the Ampharos glanced down at Antares. "You must be curious. About me, I mean." A small smile played on his mouth. "Well, you shouldn't worry about that right now."

As soon as he finished speaking, the ground rumbled; a deep, bone-shaking sound that might have indicated an earthquake. Clearly, that wasn't it, because Antares' mysterious savior did not care at all.

His savior walked forward, and suddenly was walking at an angle. Antares turned his head agonizingly slowly, and saw only a sloping path leading to darkness.

"Don't worry. You'll be safe. I've made sure of that."

Antares' strength finally gave out, and he fell into unconsciousness.
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
:coolbat:
For starters, I enjoyed the piece overall. I was quite brutal but also felt very grave and very sudden. Dramatic. Things start ordinary, just a random trainer and his team hanging out, and suddenly everything hits the fan.
The idea of a trainer verse pokemon 'dying' and getting isekai'd to what I presume may end up being a PMD world(?) if I remember Antares story, is pretty sick. Or just him becoming a protag anyways.

I think you've got a fascinating setup for a dark/grimdark fic. Legendaries going ape on the world, both against humans and pokemon, Reshiram literally razing the earth, Cobalion freakin decapitating Leon. Its all quite juicy and definitely the kind of concept I expect grimdark/dark enjoyers will like. Plus there's cool moments. Girafarig shielding them, watching things unfolded on the news, and battling reshiram.

You've got the right beats for an opening chapter as well. A good escalation, everyone slowly dying until Antares is left, etc.

The biggest thing I noticed I think if times when place setting or word choice would be clunky or odd. And I think your idea could be presented more effectively if you let us get inside the head of Antares more. Times you can slow down and give more description to basically up the gravity of everything. I'll try to list some examples below.

Galar was often seen as a perfect starting region for many aspiring Pokémon trainers, thanks to its wide variety of Pokémon, and interesting league structure.

Its smallest town, Wedgehurst, was no different. Although there were no League matches to be held there, and not much in the way of Pokémon, most living in the region held it in regards as a great "first town". It was sparsely populated, as most had gone off on their Pokémon journeys.

Some hung around; mostly friends and family of the adventuring trainers.

However, there were yet others...
So it seems like you're going for a sort of 'broad' opening, setting the scene basically. Which is good, it tells us what we need to know without going on and on.

First sentence sets us in the Galar region. I think 'interesting' here sort of works against you. I think 'unique' might be more effective? Also, you could add a half sentence of why its league is appealing.

Here is an example, but you absolutely do not have to use it exactly like this, its the principle.
[Galar. A region often regarded as the perfect starting region for aspiring competitive trainers, thanks to its variety of pokemon and battle-focused league structure.]

This tells us that its a region that produces strong trainers (relevant to the fact that there's a fight later against legendaries). Continuing on, the second sentence is a little mixed on its message. It seems to compare Wedgehurst to Galar region as a whole, then say that its nothing like the two attributes listed, then its still seen a good first town.

I think its totally up to you what stuff to talk about, but the biggest thing is picking one and sticking. Why do trainers start here if its sparsely populated, no pokemon, and no league? Naturally the protagonist starts here but why would a lot of trainers also start here?

Now one option (and you do not have to use this at all) is to contrast it against the description of Galar.

[Wedgehurst, however, was quite the opposite. No gym battles, few pokemon, and sparsely populated. Not much of a 'starting town', yet it was the home of one of Galar's strongest trainers...(your now dead trainer character)]

Its up to you how you want to actually describe your trainer character ofc. Maybe he's champion and thats why the town has become popular.
Or he's just tough, or a tournament winner, or even from another region.

The Venusaur used his vine to grab the remote that lay in the far corner of the room, managing to press the power button as well.

The television turned on to show a news report about a legendary Pokémon being spotted in Wyndon.
Since the first sentence starts in past tense, you can continue that for the whole sentence.
"The Venusaur used his vine to grab the remote that lay in the far corner of the room, and pressed the power button."

The use of the phrase 'legendary pokemon being spotted in Wyndon' makes it sound like a sighting, a fleeting thing. But the next part it seems to almost be a press conference. I think 'legendary pokemon arriving in Wyndon to see the champion' might be clearer.

Antares wasn't paying attention to it, though, because on the news ticker, there was something horrible.

{MASS DESTRUCTION IN KANTO, HOENN; DEATH TOLL ESTIMATED IN THE MILLIONS}
So this is a part where I think you can add weight by really getting into Antares physical and emotional reactions, instead of telling us it was something 'horrible'.

Does Antares feel sick to his stomach? Heart racing? Do sounds grow quiet and he can't tear his eyes away? Perhaps he thinks about his home region,if he's not native to Galar? This is a great moment to write 1 or 2 sentences that can show us Antares character and get into his headspace.

He turned to Graffias, whose eyes were firmly locked on the ticker headline. The giraffe was trembling as he kept looking.

Antares looked for anything else, but that was the only headline. It kept repeating. Over and over.
Nice, like the mention of the physical reaction Graffias displayes.

I am wondering what exactly Antares was looking for? Expecting a better headline maybe? Is he looking for news from another region? Hoping that its not true? Extra detail heremay help make it clear.

The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion. A small pool was already forming where his head had landed.

The crowd screamed and dispersed, and the trainer likewise yelled in shock.

"Oh, shit!"
So this is a part where its like one of those heart stopping moments. I think the order of the sentences sort of takes away from the darkness.

The first couple sentences are short and punchy, good. Try to picture the entire situation in order. Example:

[The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion.

"Oh, shit!" his trainer exclaimed. The crowd erupted into mass hysteria, screaming and fleeing.

A small pool of blood began to form where the former champions head had landed.]

Suggestion below in bold. Outside of dialogue or specific inner thoughts, you can try for concise wording and cutting out words such as 'likely'. I've also found it helpful to try and cut out too much uses of the word 'was', which helps sentence feel very direct:

Yet the camera remained where it was, abandoned by the cameraman, still recording everything that followed.

Leon's Charizard roared in fury and grief, before spewing a massive stream of flames from its maw.

Unfazed, Cobalion galloped through the stream, ramming its antlers into the Charizard's stomach and drenching itself in blood. It slashed to the side, effectively disemboweling its opponent.

The great lizard fell, dead, and Cobalion trotted off-screen.

The news ticker displayed the same headline as earlier.
Okay I really like the last sentence a lot. I can't quite word it but basically it feels dramatic and cool, this sort of chilling sense of the death on repeat, both on screen and on the ticker? Good stuff.


There was only the faintest woosh of air, then everything around the barrier was blown away in a massive explosion, flames consuming whatever had remained standing.

It only took a simple glance outside to figure out what was going on.

A titanic white dragon was soaring through the sky, dropping massive fireballs and flamethrowers upon the surrounding area.

Antares' breath hitched in his throat as he stared out at the destruction, and the one causing it. A Pokémon only known through myths, one who was said to appear only to those who would wish for, and work towards, a world of truth.

"Reshiram." He whispered, both in awe and in fear simultaneously.
So this is a moment where I think you should try to slow things down. Reshiram has appeared! This is a big deal, so take your time at this part to capture the grimness and fear and etc. You can effectively do this by writing longer paragraphs and focusing on the scene setting.

[It only took a simple glance outside to figure out what was going on.]

Try rewriting this as a whole pragraph. Describe all the senses. Maybe the horrible burning scent, what the world outside looks like. Is it ashes? Fires everywhere? Fleeing wild pokemon? What can Antares hear? Distant screaming, wild pokemon wailing in agony? Maybe other houses reduced to rubble. Go a little ham, dig into the five senses, so the reader can feel grounded in whats happening. Start small, on Antares, then 'zoom out'.

Antares gaped at the sight. He'd… just watched someone die. He hadn't even really considered Vega a friend, but seeing such a gruesome thing done to anyone
I won't go into detail again but I think this is another bit where you can add a sentence or two of Antares thoughts.
"He'd just watched someone die" is a factual statement. But how does he feel?

I think cutting out that sentence will make it punchier. if you want you can add something at the end, digging more into Antares emotions.
The legendary dragon stared down at them, collecting a mass of fire within her maw, before opening her mouth and spewing flames directly at the two of them. Polaris was quick enough to be able to flip out of the way. Regulus was not. He stood his ground and did not let out even a grunt as he was consumed by the flames. When the flames died down, nothing recognizable remained of the stalwart Venusaur.
This was a nice paragraph! Genuinely enjoyed this, excellent use of the word stalwart too. Keep this.

Antares, deciding he'd seen two deaths too many, flew up to Reshiram's neck from behind, and grabbed on to her scales, sinking his claws and fangs deep into her neck, drawing out mass amounts of golden blood. The legendary Pokémon lurched, and then Antares found himself within the middle of a blazing inferno. Thankfully, he was resistant to the divine flames, thanks to his Dragon-typing.
This is another part where you can try to write more from Antares view.

["Enough!" Antares roared.] Actually communicates the same gist. You can probably split the first sentence in half as well. In action scenes, its better to go for specific verbs and adverbs,and short sentences.

[ He flew up to Reshiram's neck from behind, grabbing onto her scales and sinking his claws and fangs deep into her neck. Golden blood began to pour from her gaping wounds.]

Despite the crucible of flame, he clung on, wanting nothing more than to have Reshiram dead. Antares was doused in her blood by now, horribly warm and sticky and disgusting. He blinked it out of his eyes, and continued his feral assault.

Elsewhere, Graffias was bombarding the legendary Pokémon with whatever he could find within the remains of burned homes. His trainer hid behind him, with Markab also nearby.

I think a line break here will be helpful, if your switching to another POV/area of the fight, so to speak.

Antares had failed to save anyone. That much was obvious. The town, possibly the region, and maybe even all regions lay in ruin. However, there was always hope. He still had hope that he could do something good. He could kill the legendary Pokémon that caused all of this death. Yes, that would do it.
Another part where some juicy descriptions can be added. Maybe Antares is shaking with rage or hate burns in his heart. A sentence describing the ruins of the area as far as he can see. Show us the destruction so we can really get Antares hate.

"Hm. How curious." They said before releasing Antares from whatever invisible force had been holding him.

They then proceeded to pick up Antares, which even with his barely-there conscious, knew a regular Ampharos should not have been able to do.
So I have no issues with a mysterious Ampharos saving him, even picking him up (especially since Antares notes that it shouldn't be possible) but I am trying to picture their relative postions. Garchomp are decently large pokemon. Does he pick him up psycically? With some invisible force?

And how does he carry him? Dragging him or over his head somehow? I think a little clarification here will service you well.

I hope this wasn't too overwhelming! I like the beats so far and you have some great bits! Broadly speaking I think just:

A)showing more scene setting - any time you switch to a new location or it changes somehow, you can describe it. Especially if it deviates from the norm. We might not need a super detailed description of the quiet town of Wedgehurst but we do need a description of it burning.

B)Writing more of your characters emotions through body language and internal thoughts. When major things happen, give sentence or two from their perspective. Thing about the 5 senses (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight). Think about how they react physically. Does their body tense with anger or fists clench? Maybe they growl or they fele their heart racing when scared.

Otherwise I'm delighted to see work from you and I hope you keep writing this! I think there's plenty of juicy darkness to get into here. Keep it up!!!
 

Joshthewriter

Charizard Fan
Location
Toronto
Pronouns
He
Catnip time!

Fairly ordinary start tbh. It all seems so tame for you lol. Just some relatively wholesome team dynamics, which can be a good introduction.

OH BOY that’s a tonal shift. Introducing the trainer and then immediately having the shock of cobalion whole-ass decapitating Leon is much more in line with what I expected coming in. I was a huge fan of the creeping dread as the pokemon team knows what’s coming before it actually happens. Damn effective little bit of tension building.

I personally love shocking readers into a surprise battle and Reshiram showing up (somewhat out of nowhere, but Galar was kinda lacking in legends so I get it).

The battle (if you could even call it that) was properly brutal. I love depicting legends as capital G Gods. Reshiram here felt that powerful, shrugging off the opening salvo of attacks as if they weren’t even a nuisance (despite so much of its blood getting spilled) and no-selling every combatant it actually focused on. While I personally am not a huge fan of it going down along with Antares (whose stubborn nature endeared him to me), the battle itself was pure raw brutal spectacle.

I find myself realizing at the end here (which appears to almost be a PMD section) that I know next to nothing about what’s going on, other than the legends razing the regions. I think it’s in an attempt to free the pokemon, but I’m not entirely sure. Perhaps you could tease the justifications for it or something?

All in all, I do like the brutal style. I’m a darkfic guy and you’ve gotten my attention.
 

JFought

Sloooowly writing...
Location
HCL
Pronouns
they/them
From Catnip, I have arrived! Single chapter reviews aren’t necessarily my forte, but I’ll try my best, especially since a lot happens in this chapter to set things up properly for the rest of the story. The only thing I know about this fic going in is that it’s apparently pretty brutal, so I’ll just jump into my thoughts and we’ll go from there. Also, Flygon made a lot of really good points and for the sake of diversity I’m going to try not to repeat them, just know that I second her advice, it’s all good stuff.

Thoughts on Part 1:
  • We have a lot of characters right off the bat! I think the character intros are sufficient for the pace of the chapter. They’re snappy and grounded in their dynamics with each other, which is good! I feel like I got a good idea of the overall team dynamic before everything goes horribly wrong later, which is important for the kind of intro this is.

  • I did kind of feel a bit odd going into the house scene. It’s hard to put into words, but the way the broad intro zooms into the interpersonal dynamics of a bunch of characters I’ve never met threw me for a loop a bit. I think maybe you zoomed in a bit too quickly? Like, normally after a broad intro that sets the scene a distance from our characters, I would expect to go down only a level or two in terms of this distance. Maybe we’d get an equally brief intro of the team here and who their trainer is. Or alternatively if you want to keep the identities of these characters vague to start off, something that establishes a context for this scene, like the time of day (I think it’s supposed to be morning?), or something that more clearly establishes a sense of normalcy. As it stands, we go straight from a description of Galar and Wedgehurst into what feels like the middle of a scene, and it feels disorienting in a way I don’t think you intended, as I find myself trying to figure out what everyone is doing and why, in what’s supposed to be a laid back intro scene.

  • Leon is murdered! This early on we can only guess why the legendaries have decided to begin wiping out humanity. It seems like they want to make a big deal out of it: Cobalion certainly made a big deal out of his appearance, and that theory matches the cruelty Reshiram shows. I think showing us Cobalion first makes sense considering what we know of the motives so far, given his whole schtick, though I was a little unsure how he killed Leon for a moment. He rears up to slice his head off, but with what? His sword-horn, like from the anime? With the current description it was a bit hard to visualize the motion Cobalion must’ve made for it, since I don't know where the weapon is or how it must've been used. My guess is that he reared up, and then made a quick swivel of his head to expertly slice Leon’s head off with his sword, but I’m unsure.

  • I like the overall tension in the moments leading up to Reshiram’s appearance. I think the prose style you’re using here, with the multiple short paragraphs, helps make what is ultimately a short passage feel longer and more tense. Like we have to take a breath between each moment leading up to the inevitable point where shit hits the fan.

  • Despite being a losing battle, the team managed to put up a bit of a fight! The whole scene gave me slight Invincible vibes. You did a good job emphasizing Reshiram’s overwhelming power, while still keeping things at least a little bit open for victory, as the few good hits the team got were pretty devastating. I do get the sense that whoever Zach was, his team was no pushover. Especially Antares, he practically carried the fight, though the type advantage certainly helped. Everyone’s deaths are played up too and sufficiently dramatic. I like how, in spite of how little time we’ve spent with them, we still get a sense of their personalities and dynamics here. The camaraderie between Markab and Polaris, stalwart Regulus and cowardly Vega, and the relationship between Antares and Graffias. It all helps sell the impact of their deaths and the effect watching all of this must have on Antares.

  • The trainer does feel kinda like an afterthought here, which doesn’t really feel right to me. Like, I guess if the bond Antares has with his trainer isn’t as important as the bond with his teammates, then I’d get why he’s brushed off. But we’re supposed to believe that the team is willing to die for him here, and technically he’s the battle’s “goal state” that prompted it in the first place. So it feels kind of anticlimactic that he spends the battle doing nothing and dies unceremoniously offscreen, especially when everyone else’s death is given so much focus. It’s also for that same reason that it feels weird that we get no reaction from him either. It really feels like he should be more important to the scene than he is.

  • Antares just barely wins, and like I mentioned earlier, I think you made it pretty believable that he’d manage it, the team did quite a number on Reshiram! The way she disappeared makes it seem like he might’ve just barely not managed to kill her, though. Perhaps she’ll come up again later?

  • And we end on a mysterious character. For some reason my first thought was “SPMD Ampharos???” I don’t know why I thought that, I guess I just have Super on the brain, heh. Though I have heard that from here it’s going to switch to a PMD setting, so maybe I’m not too far off?

Typo/formatting wise, I have a few notes I'll keep to a spoiler tag.
There are some weird things going on with the ends of your dialogue.
"Markab." A Venusaur said in a low voice.
Generally, when placing a dialogue tag like "character said" after a piece of dialogue, then that dialogue should always end with a comma instead of a period. In these cases, even if the dialogue is a complete sentence by itself, it's still technically a part of the same sentence as the dialogue tag. So here it should instead be:
"Markab," a Venusaur said in a low voice.
There are a few places where you make this mistake, but the thing is, there are also places where you don't, but keep the next letter capitalized as if you did:
"Ah, you are aware that they mean no harm, my equine friend! We need not move from this spot," A Garchomp answered loudly.
And then there's places where the reverse happens!
"Still, I'd prefer if we… maybe moved." he said as he shuffled his hooves around.
I'm thinking that these might just be typos, but I still gave the advice anyway because I'm not really sure how you would "normally" write them, it's a bit inconsistent.

From here I'll just point out every other instance I noticed, plus a couple other things.
"Hehe… that was nothing, me an' froggy here was just messin' around," He nudged the dazed Toxicroak with a pincer. "Right?"
This dialogue ends with a comma, when this is an instance where it should end as a period.

"Antares. Don't." He said as he shook his head.

"Vega. Leave them alone." The Venusaur rumbled as his vine dragged the Luxray away from the Girafarig and Antares.

"Ngh… fine." Vega muttered as the vine withdrew from his neck.
(tbf you could possibly argue that muttered isn't a dialogue tag here, but I don't know what you intended.)

Regulus grumbled "What.", while Vega's and Markab's jaws dropped.
Considering what you're going for with this sentence structure, I think here you should just drop the period and replace it with the comma.

"Reshiram." He whispered, both in awe and in fear simultaneously.

"Apologies for the crude language. We will not be leaving our trainer," He crouched slightly, vines hanging in the air.
Another instance where the comma should be a period.

All he could muster was a weak "Just do it already." before his top half was severed from his bottom half by Reshiram's fangs.
And another place where the period should be a comma. Though I could see an argument for just removing the period entirely? I guess it depends on how you want this line to flow when reading it. it's just a thought don't always take my grammer advice seriously i have no idea what i'm talking about.

Overall, I think you have a good setup here. I imagine from here we’re going to get the answer for as to who that Ampharos is and where he’s taking Antares. The intro seems like it’s setting up for some angst from Antares due to being unable to protect his friends, and maybe potentially a revenge story, but it is only the first chapter, and the more I think about it the more potential directions I can see this fic going in. Regardless of where the story goes from here, I think the first part here should support it well, it’s very striking and if that’s what you were going for with this opening then I’d say you did a good job with it!
 
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