Pokémon The Devil You Know

[K_S]

I can wait for you to finish then hunt down the comic for a compare contrast after the fact...

 

[Joshthewriter]

Though future chapters will require knowledge of characters like Hareta and Mitsumi so look them up if you're unfamiliar.

Alright, so I’ll just get this out of the way first. You should not, under any circumstances, be telling readers “go look up these characters if you don’t know them.”

It’s a terrible look. I want you to tell me the story, not be told that I can’t understand it without having read ancillary material (especially the manga considering it’s probably the least known of the canons).

I’ll give you this example: I use tertiary Rocket characters like Vicious and Domino in my fics, but its not necessary for you to have seen them before at all. I tell you what you need to know about them in the story itself.

The first thing Saturn had heard was that Cyrus hadn't put up a fight.

I love this as an opener. I don’t know the Manga, but this tells me that it’s after their big defeat and that things may have gone differently than the canon I know (which is a huge plus to me lol). I also really like the way it sets our POV character out in front of us right off the bat.

there had been no 01, not after Mitsumi left,

Here’s what I meant. I know you’re probably not trying to bog the fic down, but if this character is important, then their significance should be explained in the fic (even if it’s not explained at this point).

As it is, it does make me want to know more about her and why she left Galactic. Perfect opportunity for you to expand on it at some point for readers who aren’t familiar with her.

Charon's recent actions, how prepared he was for everything, told Saturn that this was something Charon had planned well in advance, as if he knew Cyrus's failure as surely as any other element of the plan.

I kinda wondered why Charon apparently took over Galactic after Cyrus lost. It never really got explained, and the fact that everyone disliked him made it more confusing.

That being said, Charon just figuring it out and manipulating events in his favour works as a villain trope.

thought that anybody would see him again so soon was...difficult.

Lol, the matter of fact-ness of this makes me smile. Like, Saturn isn’t wrong that people probably want to kill Cyrus, but he’s probably not wrong that some would want to see him for other reasons.

He's just 'Cyrus' now. Some pathetic little wretch who thought he could play god.

Ho boy, Charon really doesn’t think much of Cyrus, eh?

Saturn wanted to deck Charon full in the face,

Me too, Saturn. Me too. The smug little prick seems to need it.

The key was as light as any other but for some reason, Saturn felt a weight to it that went beyond the thin metal.

Well, being entrusted with the safety of a man who you served unquestionably and attempted to kill you all the same (probably some other “bad boss” shit as well) would undeniably be A heavy burden to bear.

Alright, so overall I thought this was an excellent piece. The concept of following a defeated villain after their defeat is great, and other than a quibble about looking up characters, I honestly don’t have an issue with anything here.

This is a great fic idea with great potential for fantastic character work. Hopefully catnip or another event brings me back soon (and hopefully I’m not as depressed next time lol)!

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Glad you liked it! The part about looking characters up was really just for this forum since a prior DPA fic had people wondering if Mitsumi (a major character in the manga) was an original character so I wanted to avoid any further confusion. That intro doesn't exist in any other posting.