Hey hey, review blitz time :) I’m gonna open with some grammatical/misc. comments on each chapter and then give an overall retrospective when I’m caught up.
Before I get going, note that I’m going to be more critical in my chapter by chapter comments, whereas at the end I’ll be focusing more on what I liked. So if you’d rather avoid reading critical commentary on the structure and composition of the story, skip to my latest review! Now, let’s get started…
Chapter 1 Review
Iona’s straight black hair flowed halfway down as carefully stroked her Purrloin.
A word seems to be missing here. Also, minute details like hair color are often best mentioned in passing rather than as the subject of the opening sentence of the fic.
Not that Iona was impatient, but she had been waiting for HOURS.
Heh, nice way to use the narration to show a bit of snark from the POV character. Little tidbits like this can spice up a story if done right and in-character.
her brown eyes saw the glass door slide open
More often than not, it’s best to avoid inserting extra details like this when it isn’t necessary. For something like brown eyes, it would feel more natural to bring them up when that details becomes relevant — or, since it’s not a very impactful detail to begin with, when something in the setting is noticeably similar or different from it. Maybe something the professor is wearing matches the color, and she takes notice of this?
“I've been here since eight I'm the morning. It's now eleven at night. What took you so long?”
…Good grief, that’s fifteen hours. Talk about a dedicated soon-to-be trainer. In the meanwhile, though, wouldn’t she have needed to leave to eat? Were there no interns or assistants there to help? Was there ever the possibility of Iona calling the professor on the phone? The delay seems rather large.
having my computer buffer for half an hour(Iona would have just kicked it)
This got a laugh out of me, so bonus points for that. I can’t tell if this is something the professor said out loud though? Parenthesis within dialogue is… not something I run into often. ^^;
The Chimchar ran off immediately ran off, the Turtwig snuck up on Chespin, stole its Poke puff and returned to its ball and the Piplup stood there.
“This one,” she said, picking up Piplup.
This got another laugh out of me, lol. Just, this whole quoted passage here — the sheer nonchalance of Piplup being the unspoken deciding factor — is really funny to me. Good stuff.
Also, there’s a typo in that first sentence — seems like a couple extra words are in there.
The professor nodded, then called her assistant to bring I'm the other required supplies for Iona's journey.
Typo.
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Chapter 2 Review
"Wha-" Iona started, then saw the Kirlia and slammed on the breaks, kicked down the kickstand and hopped off her bike. “Piplup, we're gonna catch that Kirlia. Go, Piplup and use Bubble!”
*brakes, not breaks — and wow, a Kirlia as a first catch would be nice for a brand new trainer. It’s already evolved once and it’s a psychic type, and everyone knows psychics are #toostrong… :p I kid, I kid.
“Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I've been after that Kirlia all day! We made an agreement that if I was to win the battle, she would join my party, and then she evolved while we were battling, so me and Ches are even more determined to get her now.”
Iona’s eyes fluttered in confusion. The girl talked to fast to understand, but something about her tone said “Back off, that Kirlia is mine.”
Hmm, I’m a little confused here. The girl opens up by frantically apologizing and then neutrally explaining the situation, but then it’s mentioned in the narration that her tone is supposed to be a warning about challenging her for the Kirlia. Is she apologetic, or is she wary/slightly possessive? If she’s both of these things one after another, I’d suggest putting a break in the dialogue where this occurs… perhaps something like: “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” the unfamiliar voice called. Just as quickly as it appeared, the voice grew less apologetic. “I’ve been tracking that Kirlia all day. I already made an agreement with her that if I could defeat her in battle, she’d join my team.” In this case, you wouldn’t need to say anything about her tone afterward because it would already have been shown beforehand.
“Locked! There's my Kirlia! Her name is Lila!”
“Are you bragging to me?”
“Nope! I say that every time, only with different names, right Ches?”
“Pin!”
“Are you from Sinnoh? Your Piplup is adorable!”
“No. I'm from Vaniville Town, but Professor Finnar received Piplup, Turtwig and Chimchar from Sinnoh just a few minutes ago, so I lucked out with being ignored since eight in the morning.”
Your dialogue tends to read as cluttered because of the lack of spaces between each paragraph, but the banter is really entertaining to read. I think it gives these two characters some flavor.
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Chapters 3-4 Review
Iona was on the move yet again, Piplup in the basket. Pedaling faster, until suddenly, for no apparent reason, Iona fell. She caught her Piplup, making sure her Pokémon was okay.
“Lup?” Piplup said, inquisitively.
“I know, I fell, don't you dare make fun of me in your weird, gibberish language.”
Would love to see more development between these two. Their dialogue is fun and something about this early stage of their bond is just so… nonchalant? It’s entertaining to read, regardless.
“Weird, gibberish language? I knew you couldn't understand us, but weird, gibberish language? That’s going a bit far!”
“Wait-you can talk? You can TALK? Why didn't you say so before?”
“I cannot talk, you can simply understand me! Perhaps if you looked down, you'd note that your hands are currently glowing! Maybe that is related to the fact that you can understand me!”
“You know, why don't you just say ‘Pip-piplup,’ Piplup? I don't like listening to you when you talk like a crazy person.”
“Pip. Call me Pip. And I'm being quite serious, Iona.”
“Wonderful, then it must be me going insa-ANE!” The ground began falling apart behind them in a strange, purple glow. The bike fell in almost right away.
Hmm. This is quite an awful lot happening in such a short amount of time. Be careful about condensing too much of the narrative into such a short span of words. If it feels like anything could happen at any moment, you run the risk of breaking your readers’ immersion, which is kinda what happened to me here. Piplup suddenly being able to speak in clear sentences and the world falling apart underneath Iona’s feet are two events significant enough from the reader’s POV that they’d probably be better off happening in different scenes altogether, or at least separated enough to where the reader can properly digest one before moving onto the other.
“Not very creative, are you? Allow me to fill in.” Pip used Bubble, which she followed with Icy Wind, and pecked all the now frozen bubbles. Their shards dug into the wood, weakening it. Then she took a final peck at the tops of some of the bars, causing them to fall.
“Great, now get me out.”
“That could be difficult...wouldn't want to hurt you.”
“Pip!” Iona lift the Pokéball and pointed it at Pip through the branches.
Getting the vibe that Pip — who just revealed the power to speak — is on a higher experience level than Iona. The bar isn’t set very high, of course, given that Iona just started her journey. But still. Unless this whole thing is a big Darkrai nightmare and Pip can’t actually speak or do crazy stuff (I’m basing this guess solely off the story’s cover lol), then I can’t help but wonder if Pip has been traveling and fighting before.
Iona, Pip. Odd how terribly two with such similar minds work together. Regardless, I stand by my decision. Can I count on the two of you to help you with a task of utmost importance? A strange, silent voice told them.
“Depends, creepy person. What's the task?” Iona asked.
Defeat Kenya in a battle. And future battles. We cannot have Lia's chosen coming out on top in the end.
“Simple enough. We accept,” the trainer said, speaking for both her and her Pokémon.
“Great, now that y'all are done talking, I challenge Iona and Piplup to a battle!” came a familiar voice.
I’m a little confused why this new voice doesn’t have any quotation marks to indicate dialogue. At first I thought it might be Iona’s thoughts, but even once it became clear it was another voice, it didn’t really answer any questions. For future reference, I’d suggest stating that a sudden unexpected voice is speaking first, since that fact is one of the first things that someone in Iona’s situation would notice.
Also, I’m even more confused by Iona’s response. She just started her journey and in the past five minutes, she discovered that she can talk to her Piplup in clear complete sentences, and she was just ensnared in a cage and instructed to defeat another trainer in battle for ominous, yet rather vague reasons? Even if she isn’t freaking out over what’s going on, the bare minimum here would be to ask the voice who they are/what they’re doing/why they’re doing it, y’know? Iona trusting the voice right away and not bothering to question anything going on doesn’t feel quite right.
Turn around, Kenya. Turn around.
“What in the name of Arceus?”
“Pin, Ches,” Ches shrugged.
I am Cresselia.
“THE Cresselia?”
Yes, Kenya. Now turn around, please.
“Cresselia's right, Kenya. Turn around.”
The voice sounded like a young male, and was coming from beneath her...somewhere.
“What in the name of Arceus?” Kenya gasped. It was unbelievable!
Kenya. Please turn around.
“Explain how...Arceus...I can't...Ches…”
“Don't freak out.”
Kenya felt a soft patting on her leg. She knew Ches was trying to comfort her.
“It's just...I don't..Arceus...I guess...what I mean to say is...can you please…”
Please select a sentence and complete it.
“Okay...um...I don't…”
“Try the first sentence you had. Explain how…?”
This sequence is somewhat difficult to understand. Again, I’d suggest stopping every now and then to allow the POV character to air out their thoughts in the narration rather than leaning so heavily on dialogue. While this sequence might seem perfectly clear in your head, you’ve gotta factor in that the reader isn’t going to be visualizing things in nearly the same way as the author in most scenarios. Particularly with Kenya’s stuttering, I couldn’t parse all of it. With that said, you do very well to communicate how confused Kenya is, so you did a good job showing vs telling.
“Explain how Ches can all of a sudden talk!” Kenya said, the words practically sprinting out of her mouth.
He is doing what he has always done. The only difference is that I have given you the ability to understand him. Inevitable that I would, really.
“Oh, and that explains a lot, thanks for clarifying pretty much nothing.”
However, with the current circumstances, we cannot have her succeeding, and spreading nightmares across the entire world. I request you battle her. And win, please.
“Okay…” Kenya sprinted in Iona's direction, taking note of what was going on.
“Simple enough,” Kenya heard Iona say. “We accept.”
“Great, now that y'all are done talking, I challenge Iona and Piplup to a battle!” Kenya said.
On the contrary, this does finally provide some insight. The scenario seems to be clearing up a bit now based on the context provided: Darkrai and Cresselia have each chosen a trainer, and they must battle to determine… something. It’s an interesting premise for sure! Though, it would be nice if we knew what this something was, since it’s kind of hard to believe that two young trainers (impressionable as they may be) would commit to any of this ominous stuff without stopping to seriously consider what they’re doing.
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Chapter 5 Review
Roman stared down at the two girls, knowing he could not interfere until the battle had ended.
“To find people like that out here…” he had muttered when he saw them being chosen. “is almost unthinkable. Legendaries have never chosen a trainer on a Route One before!”
Roman’s a cool name. Just felt like mentioning that.
Also, chapter title drop right away! lol. I personally love when authors are able to weave their chapter or title names into the story in clever ways, so good job. 👍
“Tep, should we go with the winner of this battle or go by virtue?”
“You forgot one...trainer. Whoever has two out of the three.”
“Tep, you really shouldn't be the one whose memorized the entire rulebook cover-to-cover!”
But since you can't, Ray reminded Roman, Tep ought to take some responsibility.
“Ray. Really? You know, it would be nice if you two didn't hang up on me non-stop.”
“Would you prefer I just say ‘te-tep-tepig?’”
“No, Tep, I like knowing what you're saying...most of the time.”
“How about just when I insult you?”
“Ray’s right, you are responsible.”
“I take pride in that.”
“You don't have much else to take pride in.”
“Well, I was the Pokémon of choice for Rayquaza's trainer of choice, so there's that.”
“Tep, that's not too impressive. It just mean I preferred you to a Snivy and an Oshawott back in Unova, which is true of literally every starter Tepig that has a trainer.”
“Te-pig.”
“Insulting me, are you?”
I believe he is.
“We should pay attention to the battle,” Tep said, as the Darkrai-chosen girl sent Piplup forward to battle Chespin.
“You're right.”
“And you're te-te. Ray, take us lower.”
Who put you in charge? Ray communicates. I chose Roman, not you.
“Yeah, well, Roman's too much of an idiot to command you to do that.”
“I'd put you in your Pokéball if that didn't involve you creating a bunch of fireworks with some moves.”
“And the Pokéball falling and shattering. Then I'd be free and you'd be lonely. Ray, take us lower before I scorch your face off.”
You know I'd win.
“Then Roman would be extra lonely because you'd drop him somewhere.”
“Ray, I think Tep's right, take us lower.”
This is sort of the opposite problem from the “too much going on” thing I mentioned earlier. The conversation, mostly banter, isn’t at all critical to what’s happening. In this case, there’s supposed to be a battle going on (this is even mentioned in this huge block of dialogue), yet all we see is Roman speaking with two other characters, presumably his Pokemon.
I say “presumably”, because again: random voices popping up without any prior setup or explanation really doesn’t give the reader much material to make their own visualizations or inferences. I was reading this section above asking myself “Who is talking? What exactly is going on? What is this conversation supposed to accomplish? What’s going on with the battle?” and so on. It slows the pacing down while simultaneously making the scene difficult to follow.
“Rai?” Roman asked.
We legendaries make a point of knowing what each other prefer to be called. Partially so we can mess it up on purpose. It's my meeting to call Kyo ‘Ogre’ for Rachi's whole week awake.
“You bring that up every conversation for the past week,” Roman pointed out.
“That's because the meeting is in just two days. days,” Tep stated.
If it gets brought up so often, how come Roman is questioning it like he’s unfamiliar?
I really like the idea of legendaries trying to butcher each others’ names on purpose. It adds another entertaining worldbuilding element to the story, even if it’s relatively unimpactful.
Also, there’s a typo at the end there.
“Cresselia's girl won,” Tep noted aloud.
“Yeah, I think we all saw that.”
“Just making sure you weren't to stupid to tell.”
“I have a brain, Tep.”
“Not a very intelligent one. Most of your big head is empty space. Practically hollow.”
I hate to say it, but you're right about his ego.
“Better than not agreeing at all.”
“Since when do I have a big ego?”
“Always.”
“I always figured you were the one with the ego, Tep.”
“Totally.”
You both have humongous egos.
“You mean Roman has a humongous ego?”
“I really should put you in the ball.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Nah, I don't need luck, I've got skill.”
“Ego.”
“Okay, I've got a bit of an ego, but you've got more of one.”
“It's a good first step to admitting your flaws.”
“I can't stand you sometimes.”
“I can't blame you sometimes.”
Here’s another long section of dialogue that doesn’t really accomplish anything narrative-wise. It’s just banter, yes, and perhaps it could get a laugh out of a reader here and there… but I think it’s important to ask yourself, especially with sections as long as this: if you were to remove the entire thing, would the story at large still look the same?
The section starts off with someone (it never specifies who?) noting that they all saw who won the battle, implicitly saying that it’s pointless to say it out loud. So the answer is right there.
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with a little banter here and there, even if it doesn’t profoundly affect the story. Not every sentence has to serve a deeply-rooted narrative purpose! Just be wary of long tangents like this that run away from what’s supposed to be happening in the story.
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Chapters 6-8 Review
Since I’ve spoken so much on the composition of the story, and since it seems that it improves greatly around chapter 9 (I looked ahead :V), I won’t comment on it much anymore. Instead I’ll be giving narrative-based thoughts here and there on various things I notice in the story, mainly focusing on positives.
Rai latched a shadowy hand around the handlebars and Iona gripped tighter. They lifted off toward the hole in the very fabric of the universe, and Iona laughed at herself. It was so fun to look down from here, where the rest of the world looked tiny! She'd always thought it'd be terrifying, but really, it was the exact opposite!
I like the description here! And I like how you made careful mention of how Iona personally feels about the experience, noting that it’s her first time flying up in the sky and looking down like that. I would probably find it terrifying, being on nothing but a bike…
Anyway, that little detail reiterates the fact that young Iona is still a new trainer and these are experiences she’s unfamiliar with, so it makes her feel more immersive as a main character. I’ve noticed that you add details like that here and there in the narration, which gets a thumbs up from me.
But, the good news was, she was able to keep herself from vomiting the entire time.
Heh. That is good news indeed! Pip could help clean up if worst came to worst, but the lack of Water Gun might be a problem .—. lol.
The stars were portals, Iona realized. Like the one they had come through.
This is a really neat mental image! Kinda makes me think of white holes, haha.
“Ultra Beasts,” Kyo stated. “I've seen them in my Hoenn oceans recently. I often need Tia and Tia's help to send them back where they belong.”
“Perhaps, then, it's time we invite them to the Meetings of the Legends?” Luna offered.
“No! No. NO!” Kyo said.
“I agree with Ogre,” Ray brought up. “The other week, Roman, Tep and I were randomly attacked by a whole group of UB Symbionts! Roman was almost infested by one of the things!”
I think this is a really interesting premise that doesn’t get touched on very often in Pokémon multimedia — how do legendary Pokémon feel about Ultra Beasts when they interact? They’re a very different “type” of Pokémon, with many headcanons not considering them Pokémon at all, so it’s no wonder that the principle of Fear of the Unknown comes into play a little bit.
In this case: you establish right away that Ultra Beasts are less of an unknown force and more of an active threat, given that Roman was infested by one of them.
(I’m guessing in a similar fashion to how Nihilego canonically infested Lusamine?)
Interesting stuff!
Kenya removed the hat from over her face. “Whose left?”
Typo — should be “who’s,” not “whose”
The boy jumped, a lot higher than Kenya anticipated from him, and Rayquaza flew underneath him, catching him. The Tepig ran up the lowest part of the space serpent’s tail.
Ah yes. Just a boy. His Rayquaza. And, of course, his Tepig. Can’t forget about Tepig :)
“How much farther?” Ches asked at one point, surprising Kenya.
“Ah!” Kenya cried quietly, before calming herself down. “Oh yeah, I can understand you now. I don't know how much farther.”
This is a good example of where you demonstrate how an inexperienced trainer (in this case, the person in question is Kenya) is still growing used to the circumstances of their journey and the world it’s taking place in.
Seconds later, Kenya felt herself weakening even more. She bit her lip, trying to think, and she found herself a little bit stronger. Pain helped! She dug her nails into her palms and began kicking herself. With each time she kicked, she found her focus a little bit stronger.
“Why are you kicking yourself? It must hurt, you should stop.”
It does hurt. Why would I hurt myself? Kenya realized that she was still responding to Iona's suggestions. I don't want to hurt myself, but it's the only way to hold myself together. Telling herself this seemed to calm the part of herself that wanted to listen to Iona and the Malamar.
“Kenya, you know resisting will only work for so long. Wouldn't it be nice to let all your problems go away? You would never have to worry, never have to feel pain. Mal and Mar could make your world perfect, if you let them.”
If I let them, I could live the rest of my life in a perfect world. Kenya fought it down. The world will be without problem, but also without joy. Not a good trade.
“Let go of yourself.”
Let go of yourself, every voice she had ever heard echoed in her mind. Everyone's already waiting. I should join them. Kenya's eyes fluttered open, closing quickly each time, until suddenly, she didn't want to close them. She wanted to become an extension of Mal, Mar and Iona.
The hollow shell that had lost its name lifted a Poké Ball and opened it. A Kirlia appeared.
“Accept their will,” the hollow shell commanded. “They can only help you.”
Deep inside of the hollow shell, a fragment of its former self argued with every move it made.
“Break the diamond.”
If I can't help fight off the Malamar, I can still keep myself trapped in here.
The fragment fought for control of the shell, winning for just long enough to return the Kirlia into the Poké Ball.
“Break the diamond.”
Each time the shell lifted its arm to smack at the diamond, the fragment fought strong enough to bring the arm back down. But the fragment couldn't hold control beyond that.
This was another one of those sections where I wasn’t really sure what was happening, all things considered. With the lack of consistency regarding quotation marks and such, I couldn’t really get any sort of visual image going… I’m hoping the next section will clear things up a bit.
Great,” Tep said sarcastically, “Ray, go faster.”
I don't listen to annoying Tepigs.
“Tep's right, we need to go faster.”
Ray sped up
Rayquaza doesn’t seem to hold Tepig in very high respects. To be honest, I’m not surprised.
“Mal, Mar, it's time to get rid of her permanently. Use your hypnotic powers to turn her into an extension of yourself.”
This is one helluva threat, actually. Maybe this sort of thing would be standard in the world(s) of Pokémon, but yikes. I’d be terrified if someone threatened to do this to me. Malamar is the perfect ‘mon for this sort of thing too; it’s got a creepy, hypnotic vibe to it. Even its canon moves and ability sometimes make you wonder what kind of weird cryptic hypno-cheese they had in mind when creating it.
When they were approximately ten feet above the ground, Tep used Protect to break their fall.
Clever! Maybe Tepig does have some value as a teammate here, lolol. Though, I’d think Rayquaza would just be able to fly them anywhere they’d need quicker than gravity would be able to take them, but… oh well, small details, small details. Regardless, the protect thing is a cool idea. I adore seeing moves be used in clever ways in fanfiction. Good stuff.
“Double battle, no Legends,” Roman challenged. “If I win, the Malamar agree to release everyone they control.”
“Deal. But if I win, you agree to turn over Ches, Cresselia and Rayquaza. Mal, Mar, it was seems I need your assistance.”
“Tep, Ches, battle ready!”
Oh wow .-. Roman is bold. He had plenty of leverage in this situation, but gave it up for the sake of making a deal. Interesting.
There’s a typo in there — “it was seems I need your assistance” should be something like “it seems I need your assistance.”
I was wondering who Roman’s second Pokémon would be, and—huh. It’s Kenya’s Chespin. He’s really bold to be making this deal with one half of his team being a Pokemon he’s never used in a battle before. Technically he doesn’t even know if Ches would be interested in listening to him, though I’m sure the circumstances help a bit.
Suddenly, a faint glow came from Tep's body. Then it got brighter. And brighter. To the point where Tep was only visible by his silhouette, which was already beginning to change. Until it stopped, the glow faded, and what was once a Tepig was now a Pignite.
“Look who just gained a fatal flaw,” his opponent smirked. “You're now weak to my Psychic-type moves.”
I was kind of rolling my eyes that this would be a stereotypical mid-battle evolution scene, but nope. His opponent immediately took notice of the gained Fighting typing, which puts Tep at a disadvantage against any psychic attacks. Though I’m sure the boost in stats and whatnot probably make up the difference.
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Chapters 9-10 Review
Indeed, the paragraph spacing is a definite improvement! Good job.
Every window she, Pip and Rai past flew shut, and every child curious about her and Rai was grabbed by his or her mother or father and brought inside.
Huh. I guess that’s a drawback (or a perk?) of riding around with a Darkrai. It’s a cool little worldbuilding detail that Darkrai has such a reputation…
“Rai is a famously terrifying Pokémon.”
Unrightfully so. I don't earn my reputation.
…and even moreso that he apparently didn’t earn it.
I’d certainly be afraid of him myself, given that his presence alone causes nightmares in many Pokemon mythos. Perhaps that’s different here? I imagine we’ll find out pretty soon, since he’s Iona’s companion now.
“You're the second trainer to come through here travelling with a Legend today.”
“Who else?” Iona asked.
“Cresselia.”
Iona smirked. “Well, then, we better keep moving! Can't let Kenya be even a footprint ahead.”
Seems like they’re legit rivals now. It’s pretty much inevitable, given everything that’s happened to them. I wonder if they’ll be allies or enemies going forward…? I can see it going either way, to be honest.
Mistyc and I can't raise another Pokémon at this point, so I'd like you to take this.” Lynne took out a yellow egg, with a red area on top.
Oh?
Pikachu egg? :3
That may not be right, but I love speculating on these things. I’ve been wondering if Iona would get a third Pokémon to compliment Pip and Rai (and perhaps match Kenya’s and Roman’s respective teams), so this seems like one possible way to do so.
Home. That's what the Kalos branch had become after Finnar had found him, Tep and Yem, his Elgyem, floating on a piece of driftwood. They'd tried not to let him in, the amateur trainer he was back then. Thankfully, Roman was chosen by Ray the very second he turned to leave.
I really like this as an intro to a chapter! It’s very engaging and compelling.
A detail I noticed: Roman does in fact have another Pokémon? Where was Yem during the Malamar sequence? I ask because Roman battled with two Pokémon, one of which was an inexperienced Chespin that wasn’t his, so I can’t help but wonder…
That said, Chespin would have a considerable type advantage with offense (Pin Missle) and without having a weakness to Dark moves. So if that was your reasoning, that makes a bit more sense.
Another alternative is that Yem simply wasn’t present at the time. If so, I wonder where it was…?
“How's Yem? And the research? Did you manage to make it work?” Roman asked.
Seems my second guess was accurate. In that case, I bet Roman is excited to see his old Pokémon again! Particularly given all the craziness he just went through.
Finnar smiled, holding out a hand with a slate grey crystal in it. In the center, three dots. “We haven't tested it,” the researcher admitted, “but the fact that we were able to get it made is amazing progress! Yem is doing quite well, and I think he's been enjoying working on it. The Z-Crystal may not be exactly natural, but it still exists. You think you can try out the Z-move? We call it UFO Blast.”
Here’s another interesting concept I’d love to see expanded upon further: artificial Z-Crystals. You have some really interesting ideas!
“Yem, Confusion!” Roman shouted. Next to him, a red outline of a human appeared, positioning himself into poses, which Roman strained to match. One finger out of place could mess the whole thing up, according to Finnar.
That’s quite a margin of error. It really puts weight on how the poses are performed, eh? It’s good that the technology seems to be up to date though; it’s cool to see how the lab has stuff in place specifically for Z-move development that makes things more user friendly for trainers like Roman. The holographic human doing the poses would certainly be a big help if it were me, I’d be willing to bet.
“That was amazing! I’m so glad you were here to help! I think of all our Yemium Z tests, that was the best! I think I know why it still broke, too. Can you help me tomorrow? I saved all the data from your Z-Ring, and I think that you were detached from the crystal, because Assistant was the one working on it with Yem. Unfortunately, if Assistant had been using the Z-move, I think that he would have been distrusted by Yem, so the move would've failed.”
Roman nodded at this, pretending to understand.
Mood.
Nah, I kid. I think the story has made great strides in being more understandable in the last couple of chapters, which I commend you for. Good work!
For the next weeks, Roman and Yem worked on the Yemium Z. Repeat the poses, use the normal move. Borrow a Psychium Z, use Shattered Psyche. Repeat. Stand still in a weird technology-based tube-thing. Repeat first five steps. Try hopelessly to help Finnar and her assistant analyze the data. Attempt to break a Psychium Z because Finnar wants a natural Z-Crystal in it. Give up on doing so using Yem's Confusion. Use Inferno Overdrive because Finnar took the Psychium Z that was borrowed. Shatter remains of old Yemium Z because Finnar thinks they'll help new Yemium Z. Get annoyed with the assistant.
Finally, the new Yemium was done. Finnar wanted to try it on different Pokémon right away, and Roman wouldn't complain as long as Finnar let him keep the Z-Crystal.
Hmm. Normally I’m not a fan of jumping ahead so far and so quickly like this, since it can be a bit jarring to go from one moment in time to several weeks ahead. Especially since the story doesn’t seem to have progressed very far in time from the very start.
But this isn’t so bad. You did well to illustrate what was happening in that time while not dwelling too long on any details. I like the way you did your recap, taking the creative liberty of listing things out in short sentences (sometimes just dependent clauses masked as sentences) instead of painstakingly explaining everything out. I like it! My immersion stayed intact here, so it gets a thumbs up from me.
Finnar's assistant pointed out that all of his Pokémon would take only half the damage, being psychic-types. And this is what led them to selecting X, Finnar's legendary partner, better known as Xerneas.
Small detail, but Xerneas is Fairy type only :V guess that test run ended up being more painful than expected.
From said box, she took out an egg. It was mostly green, with a brown patch on one side.
“Oh!” Finnar seemed surprise by something. It took only a moment for Roman to be able to tell why. A crack appeared. And then another. Until several cracks covered the entirety of the egg. A foot broke through the shell, followed by three more. Then, a twig, with two leaves attached to it. The shell fell away, to leave a Turtwig in Finnar's arms, staring at Roman.
“All yours,” Finnar promised.
Typo — “Surprise” should be “surprised.”
So everyone has an egg now—or, Kenya and Iona do, whereas Roman’s just hatched.
I think I might know what kind of egg Iona has now. My guess is that yellow and red corresponds to Chimchar? It would align with Roman getting a Turtwig, which would then imply Kenya received a Piplup egg. I don’t know if that’s remotely accurate or not, but I’m putting it down as my best attempting at predicting the future! :p It would make for a fun dynamic with Pip, I bet.
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Chapters 11-13 Review
"You didn't pick Cresselia. Interesting," the gym leader, Erin, said, letting out her Pokémon, a Shuckle.
"Lila, Double Team!"
"Rollout!" Shuckle went into his shell, rolling into all the fake Kirlia.
Equally interesting that the gym leader sent out a Shuckle, of all ‘mon.
Even more interesting is that they knew about Kenya’s association with Cresselia. I’m guessing this is public knowledge know? It would’ve been nice if we could’ve seen a bit of expansion on that, like a TV news broadcast about it or something. Roman did mention earlier in the fic that it was incredibly unusual for legendaries to “choose” trainers as early as route 1, right after their journey began… so perhaps that would be good source material to draw from? Just speculating here.
"Return! Ches, you're up! Vine Whip!"
Shuckle dodged the Vine Whip, which was the point.
"Leech Seed!" The Shuckle was seeded.
"Rollout!" The Shuckle hit, but pretty much all of Ches' pain was healed by the Leech Seed.
"Vine Whip!" The attack hit Shuckle.
"Bide!" The Shuckle stood still, ready to endure hits.
"Vine Whip!" Ches used the move, and Shuckle took it.
"Pin Missile!" Five Pin Missiles launched, and four of them hit, taking out Shuckle.
The gym leader sent out a Larvesta.
"Use Zen Headbutt!" Larvesta ran at Ches with the psychic-type move.
"Dodge it!" Ches jumped to the side. "Leech Seed!" Larvesta was seeded.
"Ember!" Ches couldn't move quickly enough.
"Synthesis!" Ches healed himself, and received a little more due to Larvesta being seeded.
"Ember!"
"Vine Whip!" Ches hit the Ember back, before hitting Larvesta with the attack.
"Absorb!"
"Pin Missile!" The Pin Missiles went right through the attempt at Absorb, finally knocking out Lavesta.
For future reference, I’d suggest adding a bit more detail here and there to what’s going on during battles. You do a great job of keeping the pacing fast! Just know that a sentence here and there about how the Pokémon are moving and reacting to the damage, to their successful strikes, to their trainers calling upon them, etc. usually adds an extra bit of oomph to the scene.
"Rai, this is another one of your nightmare pranks, right?" Iona asked.
Not this time. This is the real deal.
Small detail, but I like how Rai’s dialogue is now italicized. It makes me think of a telepathic link between them, which would make sense all things considered. Love to see it!
Another small detail: I like little tidbits like this that communicate the growing bond between two characters, in this case Iona and Rai. It makes them feel more alive and makes their bond feel more real.
"Great. Pip, Bubble!" Pip jumped out of the basket, using Bubble on the Ultra Beasts that happened to be Nihilego. "Inky, get out here! Use Foul Play! Rai, got anything?"
Not really.
"You've got to be kidding me! We're surrounded by Ultra Beasts and you can't do anything?"
Blame Lynne! She's the one who replaced my Dark Pulse with Sleep Talk and my Dream Eater with Rest.
Hmm! More interesting details, more fun details.
For starters, Ultra Beasts have appeared, which harkens back to when the legendaries were discussing them in an earlier chapter (speaking of which, what ever happened to all of those legendaries…? It was never touched upon.)
Secondly, I noticed that Iona had captured the Inkay from before. Perhaps I just missed the part where that was mentioned ^^
Thirdly, Lynne’s previous hint about Darkrai was confirmed—Darkrai used to be her partner before all of this. I can’t help but wonder, how and why did they split up? Is it a natural process for legendaries to move from trainer to trainer depending on whatever prophecy, omen, etc. is in control at the time?
"Pip, use Icy Wind, Inky, Psybeam! Why'd Lynne do that?"
Rai shrugged.
Iona watched helplessly as Pip and Inky fainted quickly.
This battle is super entertaining, haha. The exchanges between Iona and Rai are golden.
Yes. But we just entered Electric Terrain, so it's totally useless right now. As are all my other moves, considering they all relate to sleep.
Oof. Where’d it come from, though? Xurkitree, possibly? iirc I don’t think any other Ultra Beast can learn Electric Terrain.
Yem looked down at the group. I suppose the safest plan would be to avoid them, but considering we're directly above them right now, I predict we're their next targets, after whoever they're attacking right now. We could dive in and have Ray do his thing. Yem communicated telepathically.
"Good plan. Vire, return!"
I like Yem. They’re very pragmatic. “Let the Rayquaza handle it” seems like a logically sound plan lol.
I’d like to see Yem get off one of those UFO blasts soon. There was an awful lot of buildup for it just for it to not happen here, but it could always happen later, so I’ll exercise patience with that particular mini-arc.
"Whoever it was probably had a Legend. There've been piles of reports of chosens being attacked by Ultra Beasts recently."
A proper cliffhanger! It seems that the Ultra Beasts and legendaries might be at war, and some humans are drawn into the conflict… that would be Iona and Kenya and Roman, of course. Perhaps others too?
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Chapter 14 Review
Roman studied the egg he had seen at the previous location, wondering who it belonged to. He'd left the ruined bicycle, figuring its owner wouldn't want that now that the Ultra Beasts had destroyed it. Still, who had it been?
Clearly Iona’s, but what’s cool here is that you’re building up to a reunion that neither party expects. Roman seems to be some sort of legendary Pokémon agent and is hunting the Ultra Beasts along with them. Iona, due to her involvement with legendary Pokémon, is wrapped up into all this. Gotta be honest, I feel pretty bad for her. It seems like she’s an innocent, studious kid who started her journey and then all of these outside forces wasted no time tugging her back and forth. Throwback to Roman’s comment about legendaries never picking trainers on route 1; they couldn’t even wait until like, the first gym. lol.
TL;DR legendaries r bad guys
He also noticed several Nihilego infesting humans, some of which he recognized. One of them was Darkrai's chosen. Hadn't she had a bike at the meeting?
Oh geez. This really is happening to a ton of people after all. I can’t imagine this is far off from becoming a public crisis.
The Malamar sent forward Suicune, Darkrai, and Diancie. Not a good match for him. It was a good thing Ray hadn't left Mega Evolved form.
Before any of his Pokémon could do anything, they're opponents struck, Hydro Pump plowing into Tep and knocking down, Diancie's Dazzling Gleam hitting both Ray and Tep, and cleay hurting a lot of the Dragon-type. Instead of a move like Dark Pulse, Darkrai used Rest.
The Malamar lit up before Roman could command anything of his Pokémon. He covered his own eyes, hoping Tep, Yem, and Ray had been able to do something.
First of all, lmfao at Darkrai using Rest. I just… some of the deadpan humor in this fic really appeals to me for some reason. It always feels good when I read a fic that can land its humor.
There’s a typo in the middle paragraph — “cleay”
I think this battle was an improvement from the gym battle. Even though less happened overall, it was paced really well and there was a clear image of what was going on.
And… another cliffhanger!
Overall:
Stopping here for now.
I like this story! It’s not the most descriptive, but the fast pacing was something I needed. The humor made for a pleasant read, and although things got a bit too chaotic at times for my tastes, there was also a sense of direction to the ongoing side arcs that I’ve taken interest in. Thanks for the read.
