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Pokémon Sweet Sacrifice

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
I decided I felt like reading back a little and picking up where I left off for reviews so, here we go with Chapter 10! Just quick thoughts.
As soon as Cyrus gave the order to begin, his skarmory dove down towards his foes, his metallic wings spread and poised to strike. Thorn and Koyomi were both ready for him though, each of them diving off to each side to avoid the steel wing attack, but Thorn had the misfortune to leap directly into the mawile’s path and he rammed into her hard, gleaming from his iron head attack, and throwing her onto her side. Koyomi responded quickly, landing and blasting Mawile back with a torrent of water. Meanwhile, Skarmory dove in for a second attack, aiming at Thorn, who was still down.
Skarmory pulled up to regain control, then dove down and caught mawile in his claws before the other steel-type hit the ground.
So all through the fight it seems like you swap capitalization for pokemon. Which, big mood, I was stuck here and kept forgetting which variant I used and did this all the time in LA lol.
I don't actually think it matters at all which, so just a heads up here to remember which one you're picking and stick to it. I actually even considered if you were using it as Proper Names and species names but based on the second example maybe not? Not the hguest dela but it kept through me off slightly.
Alex cursed under his breath as he realized something that he overlooked during his choosing of his pokémon, despite seeing what Cyrus was using before choosing his own. He had been so focused on whether or not Diamond would work with a partner that he had overlooked his own pokémon’s weaknesses; specifically, Thorn’s weakness to flying-type moves
hehe, I love this. Its such a very trainer thing to do, and realistic. I still do this, and get so wrapped up in my offensive I forget the defensive.

With a small smile, he held out his other hand. Resting in his palm was a chrome coin with silver ripples on the surface that reminded Alex of a potato chip.
Okay idk it made me laugh to finally go through all this trouble and get the gym badge and go "ooo potato chip!!"

I believe this change to be proof of the existence of Arceus. I do not know why He would make this change to his creations, or why He has allowed only Kalos to experience the fairy type in the past. But unlike the evolution of pokémon, a change of this magnitude could not just occur overnight if it were evolution, now would it?”
I really love the worldbuilding here. The idea of her belief being scorned, but her also saying how this proves her belief. Whether or not its true its a theory that makes a lot of sense in-universe. Who else could slide another whole typing into the world but the Original One. I recall you mentioning planning on changing this, so I'm not sure how much will change but I am curious what you'll change it to, since this is actually a pretty interesting take on the phenomenom.

“Another legendary pokémon,” she replied, holding up her hand in a gesture to be silent. “Not a god, but still a legend. Xerneas. Think about it. Xerneas is the only known fairy-type legendary pokémon, and the only proof of its existence has only ever been found in Kalos. I think that’s why Kalos has fairies. Also, the natural resistances to ghost- or dark-types that every other region’s steel pokémon enjoy don’t exist in Kalos. I think that’s also part of xerneas’ influence.”
I honestly am so here for this entire exchange! I love little quibbles like this because they make the world feel alive and they give a chance to add conflicting worldbuilding. Its certainly a really interesting theory, multiple Xerneas and (possibly Yveltal?>??), one per region?
Also I am certain Yveltal is tied to the agitated ghost types. I like the idea of positing this theory to counter the champions religious stance.
(Don't mind my goofy theory crafting, I easily forget some details revealed in storycrafter so)

“Like you said, Neutron Town is the next stop traditionally.
I think a " is missing at the end?

“We’ll have to at some point, there’s still a gym there,” Alex reminded her.
*news report about the dangers of ghosts and forests*
"We still gotta go there"

crikey Alex. Isn't there another way!? (I actually don't remember if there is, lol.)

Talk about getting right back on the Spectrier (get it?? get back on the horse? and its a ghost? I'll see myself out)
Anyways this was fun, I liked seeing Alex redeem himself in the gym battle, and I think a gym where the pokemon act alone is a really great idea! I kind of want to steal that?

Very excited to catch back up and to get to the spicy parts you have alluded to!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
A quick run through of Chapter 11!
I've been skimming these bc I definitely read at least 11 and 12 so I wanted to drop some surface level thoughts.

However, there was one detail that sprang to mind – in the last argument, he had decided to let her cool down and instead she pulled him back into the room. So he opened the door.
I like this little detail, its a cute way to show their relationship and his awareness of her needs!

“Nothing is going to happen to me,” Alex answered, though he shivered at the thought.
I'll take "words you'll eat in a few hours" for $500 please

e-book open on his pokédex.
I like that pokedexs here double as kindle readers! thats fun. I wonder what kinds of stories Alex likes to read, and what books a magical animal world has?

“But I will say this… I fucking told you so.”
YES SHE DID. rub it in his face lol

That’s why I’m here. Just because I got a bloody nose last time doesn’t mean I’m going to cower away like a scared lillipup. Who do you think I am, Diantha?”
YOWCH someone doesn't like Diantha. Do I find a little bit of author bias showing or does she just hate Diantha lol? Either way this was a funny line. I don't like Diantha too much either, hah

“Wait, that’s got to be the same shiny beedrill from the last time…” Kimiko observed. “You know it?”

“Of course I do, he’s mine,” Kirsten replied. “Well, he used to be. It’s a long story… he’s technically wild now, but… let’s just say he still owes me some favors.” The beedrill in question buzzed angrily, and began flying off into the forest with the two others.
Ooohhhhhh this is good this is good, I love that this used to be 'her' beedrill and she released it! Its a fun nugget and it brings the world to life and adds a nice little backstory.
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Okay chapter 12! Judging by my react its actually this one and not 13 I stopped at! So Now I'll be caught up thoughts wise.

A spicy chapter as the group continues to deal with the ghost issue from last chapter!

“You probably would have been better off camping in the rain,” Kirsten deadpanned. At this, Kimiko shot a tired, angry glare towards Alex. “I mean, you remember what happened to me the first time we met, don’t you?”

“I thought we’d be safe on the edge…” Alex trailed off. “I mean, I didn’t expect Diamond to go running off on his own.”

“You caught him here. This was his home. These ghosts are probably his friends, his family, and you thought it would be okay to just let him roam on his own?”
yeah, ALEX

smh, shoulda known better lol

Anyways I don't have a ton of specific thoughts here.

I skimmed this time but I remember generally enjoying this chapter. We get some side trainers, and some nice team interactions, the deepening mystery and strange behaviour from certain pokemon. I also appreciate the way you generally write your pokemon. They feel very alive and full of personality, and you do a pretty good job of making the world feel like it exists outside your MC's.

Now that I am properly caught up review wise I look forward to chewing through the rest of SS!!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Chapter 13
“Hey,” Kimiko called to her. Kirsten stopped and half turned back to find the blonde spun around on the rock to face her. “Thanks.”
I absolutely loved this whole exchange, especially getting some Kirsten POV!! (I hope there will be more in the future?). It's honestly fantastic to see a champion actively doing things, which works a lot better in fic than in games (go away leon, and let me handle this). Kind of makes me want a whole fic about a Champion from their PoV, dealing with a world ending crises.

It was also nice to see Kimiko being able to open up to Kirsten, and get good advice. She should talk to Alex and she did experience a trauma!! I really appreciated Kirtsen's very levelheaded approach and acknowledgement of how this was worse because it was something she experienced instead of being told. This whole scene was a delightful bit of angst and comfort type stuff, and I am always here for that.

Also there was a bit near the beginning where she actually contemplates just talking to Diamond herself, which I appreciate adding because I am sure readers would ask themselves that, lol, but she wanted to respect them enough not to.

Ngl though, seems like a silly move to ask Alex to do it instead of waiting. Not that I don't get why mind you (this is a subjective observation, not a crit), but Diamond is your strongest lead right now, in theory. But you know Alex can't understand him, so the most he can get is 'Yes/no', which is just.... very unhelpful, especially if you had specific questions.
Seems to me it'd be better to tell your friend to wait and get the info you need.

Thrasher, Sarsen, and a camerupt introduced as Tremor all huddled together in their own spot a little way away from the group, though the camerupt did call out to Carnation, who grinned and waved in return. Ana’s last pokémon, an audino named Pulsar, joined Diamond and the humans in their little circle.
This whole little exchange was adorable, and I loved seeing all the different pokemon's personalities. Even if these characters never show up again, I enjoyed seeing their pokemon and their little interactions between team members.

Honestly really surprised that she lent Tauros to them? That's really nice. I suppose it tracks, someone who just helped save you from an evil ghost gang probably isn't trying to kidnap your pokemon.

Also yeah, I definitely had not read this chapter before. Now I'm very curious about your 'super self indulgent' chapter, heh
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
The infamous self-indulgent band chapter! Chapter 14
“That’s why I wanted you here early!” Lillia pouted, crossing her arms. “So we could get in some practice!”

“An hour? Lillia, there is no way we can be rehearsed enough to play in under an hour! We don’t even have the full band together!”
I would be absolutely incandescent with fury if someone did this to me lol. Alex and Kimiko handle it way better than I would, hah.

“My porygon can connect to the internet, download a song, and fill in any missing instruments you might need.
Idk why but I am enamored with this band Porygon who provides the backing sound to the bands! I've recently found myself particularly fond of the Porygon line. Such cute little cyberducks who deserve better.

“Oh, right. Electabuzz don’t like red.”

“Indeed,” Cory replied, nodding approvingly. “He knows enough not to attack any red things he sees, but he still doesn’t like it very much.”
Oh? I can't remember if this is stated in the pokedex somewhere or you made it up, but thats a really interesting detail.

Overall this chapter was a fun little side jaunt for the characters, and honestly its fanfic. If we don't self indulge then what's the point? Also Electabuzz getting drunk is amusing and reminds me of dragonfrees TQFTL scene with the electric gym leader and Sycther getting drunk, hah



I have so many THOUGHTS about this one, this one was fun! Chapter 15...
“This is what Lt. Surge’s gym should be.”
Do I detect a hint of salt? Anyways, I rather enjoy these little snips that gym leaders or champions have with other gyms and champs. It makes sense tbh, and makes the world feel like it actually exists beyond its own region. I'd definitely expect gyms to sort of have rivalries or strong opinions about other gyms.

Also this is such a cool idea for a gym!

But even after he stopped his attack, Thorn continued to glow.
* banging fists on table * EVOLUTIOOONNN

I love evolution scenes and this one is really lovely to see, her finally getting sick of this Electabuzz.

Cory began loudly calling off his pokémon, but either the electabuzz didn’t hear him or didn’t care. He raised the pokéball, finally catching his eye.
Second time a gym leaders pokemon did this. Makes me wonder about the rate of injury in gym circuits? I'd be livid if someone in a position of authority and power couldn't keep his pokemon under control. This is like someone in a boxing match throwing hits after the bell rings.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t consider his hangover. I shouldn’t have allowed him to battle like that
YEAH CORY
“First, you,” she said, jabbing a finger into Cory’s chest. “How dare you send that electabuzz into battle like that? You could lose your gym for this! Cruelty! I could go on about the ethics and morality of what you allowed to happen here. Don’t,” she demanded as Cory opened his mouth to respond. “Thankfully his injuries were minimal; it doesn’t look like he had a very tough battle, so you’re lucky for that. But really, you of all people should know better! And if I ever find out you let an impaired pokémon battle again, I will have your gym demolished!
Okay so, I really like this chew out scene, but then it makes me wish we also saw something more from uh... Cyrus? The whole thing where Kyomi's gem got cracked? Cause presumably he didn't know about Natural Cure either so basically he almost killed a challengers pokemon or crippled it for life? But here Cory is getting chewed out for what seems like it resulted in a lot less harm?

Buut also, yes good, given pokemon seem more apt to get injured in this world, its good to see someone holding gyms accountable.

“And as for you, your sableye had a bit of a rough time, but he also just needs some rest. Your staryu, on the other hand, is another story. I don’t know what happened there, but you should have recalled it long before it got into this condition. Lucky for you that staryu are typically fast healers; that paralysis might have been permanent if it were a different species. I insist that you leave it here overnight so I can keep an eye on it, and I would ask that you leave any others you battled with today as well, just to be on the safe side.”
Paralysis from electric attacks can be permanent? Thats terrifying! Yet again, I wonder about the boundaries between gym leaders, gym leaders pokemon, and how adept they are at not causing grievous injury. Not from like a 'training is unethical' standpoint mind you, but just from a 'respect and health' standpoint, the way there's rules and boundaries in MMA or boxing or other contact sports.

Like clearly pokemon are sapient and cognizant enough to play in bands, act independently., and even get drunk. But they're also of course, different from humans in ability and desire. Do Cory's pokemon fully understand what pokemon are more fragile and which ones are not? Or is it a gym leaders job to call them off? It definitely seems like the latter.

In which case, yikes!!! pls pay better attention next time lol.

Also given this has happened twice, I hope that Alex will be more cautious going forward!

I hope you weren’t holding her back against her will.
Huh, so there's ways a trainer can hold back evolution against a pokemon's will? Does this mean like everstones, and does that mean everstones used improperly can cause harm, or does the nurse just mean like, emotional coercion?


Anyways, none of my vibes to this chapter are negative, I actually found this one of my favorites maybe, alongside 13 with Kirsten. Maybe I'm thinking about this too hard (gym leaders and responsibility and harm) in which case, don't mind my ramblings!

The parts I enjoyed most are the way you use gym challenges tbh. (Makes me wish I hadn't ditched them for my fic, rip). Seeing Alex work through the challenges with his pokemon, and the playing off between him helping them, and them helping him, was really lovely!!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Chapter 16! I'm sure a chapter named 'Thief' has nothing bad happen, right? Right?

Then suddenly the poliwrath roared, commanding the attention of everyone else in the room, save the numel. The fighting-type spoke, looking directly at the little mudkip, much to everyone else’s collective confusion. He vaguely shifted the arm in the sling before flexing his good arm, then pointing at the mudkip.
I loved that you brought back the Poliwrath character and that he got a chance to shine here! This was absolutely adorable. Golly, I gotta remember to try and add stuff like this too, its very nice.

“Damn!” he shouted, kicking a small rock. He turned to Kimiko. Thorn was there, nuzzling her stomach with a worried look. “Are you both okay?”

“Bay…” Thorn croaked, continuing to look upwards at the female.

“He’s got Ariel,” Kimiko choked out.

“I know,” Alex replied. “But are you okay?”

He’s got Ariel,” she repeated.

“What about the others?”
I like this little exchange, Kimiko is utterly fixated on Ariel being taken and Alex is worried about her.

“How many times have we discussed strategy against water pokémon? You were even already set up! There is absolutely no excuse for that. Not one!”

The houndoom let out a small whine and a bark. Alf attempted to translate. I believe he was afraid of injuring the human.
ooo bad guy pov!!! Also I like to see the ways bad guys interact with their pokemon. Alf seemingly more exasperated whereas Houndoom just wants to be a good boy kind of, but not hurt the humans. Poor thing, Biff is a meanie. Also Biff is such a funny name, its hard to see him as very threatening with a name like that.

I have a feeling this is all going to be quite relevant somehow, pretty curious how things will go to attempt a recovery when the thief has successfully left the area.

Also still not sure what Diamond's deal is, except that he seems pretty gremlin-y at times, but also maybe like he really cares, since he seems mad about his lack of ability to do the feint attack
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Ended up reading the 'thief' arc and then forgetting to give commentary lol

This was a fun bit, lots of new POVs! I'm not always big on omniscient but I like it hear, I think it really gives a nice diversity to see all the different characters headspaces and how they operate.

For the first time that she could remember since leaving the lab, Thorn was unhappy. And not the “Trainer won’t call me by this name” unhappy; genuine “this sucks” unhappy.
I really like this little glimpse into Thorn's POV! Also I found this funny, and it made me kind of wonder about the nicknaming dynamics, heh.

That meant she had to set an example for the others.
Awwww poor Thorn she's trying so hard to be the protector :(

Still, Alf owed the man his life, so who was he to complain?
Interesting, so thats how he gained its loyalty. Was definitely wondering sometimes how rude people do it lol, this makes sense. Poor Alf, he seems like he could be a nice pokemon if his loyalty wasn't misguided.

Biff, startled, again went to pull his gun from his cloak.
Biff hits this weird balance of trying really hard to be cool but seems like a Grade A loser who is not very composed and cool as he wants to be, lol.

Alf refrained from pointing out Biff’s repetition.
Oh im glad Alf did because I was about too,lol

“It’s not an evolution stone. There’s more to it than that. I don’t know how it works, or why, but the pokémon needs to be exposed to some sort of energy that the item absorbs and bonds to the pokémon or some shit, I don’t know. What I do know is that the most common form of this energy is generated in the trading machines found in pokémon centers
Ohhhh thats fun! I always think its interesting to see the approach to 'trade' evolutions, since they can feel a tad game-y, but I like this tbh. Implies it can happen outside trades but it just happens more commonly in a trade.

The sun was just beginning to rise when Thorn, Alex, and Kimiko finally arrived in Clairval.
eheheh I like the town name

“And it’s safe to be using on this?”

The nurse clasped her hands together behind her back with a soft smile. “Yes. It’s a milder blend suitable for humans.
This is fun worldbuilding!! I like that stuff like Burn Heal works on humans, it makes sense since the burns are caused by pokemon moves and stuff

Is that what caused these injuries?” the nurse wailed.
I kind of thought 'wailed' seemed like a tad overkill? wailed tends to evoke a loud crying out, an extended noise. Could be just me though!

Then with a grin, he said, “I guess I’m gonna get paid after all.” Without even looking up or aiming, he swung up his arm towards Biff and shot.

The bullet hovered inches from Biff’s nose.
Ohohohoho I really liked this bit. I always feel like the myriad of pokemon powers are woefully underutilized sometimes, so something like this was fun to see.

She suddenly felt a different sort of pain that again she couldn’t explain – a feeling of hurt and betrayal in her gut. Why had he opted not to stay with her throughout the night, and rather spend it alone?
This was a fun little gut reaction from Kimiko. I can tell she's doing Fine and having a good time.

“…And then find Ariel.”
OKAY so I'm really glad about this, it always lowkey irks me endlessly anytime pokemon theft isn't treated like heinously infuriating by a character. Yes you should try to do something to get them back, lol. I read ahead before writing this so I know it is met with mixed results hah, but I appreciate the effort anyway.

It was going to be a long day.
Poor Kimiko is having a great day


If I get caught tinkering with that machine, there are more than just fines and a night at the station waiting for me. You can’t pay me enough to do that.”

Biff began to panic. “Are you serious? I thought this would be a cakewalk for you! Just dress like a maintenance guy for the league and tell them you have some work to do or something!”
“Of course not. I’m not a biologist. I don’t know what causes an evolution. I honestly have no idea what makes this specific energy so special. I could wipe the record of the trade, sure, but–”

“Fine. Then you’ll do that.”

“Not a chance, Biff. I’m no technician. I can do it, but it will take a while and it won’t be easy. If I’m caught working on that machine–”
This section tripped me up a little bit because as best as I can understand, it goes like this:
Biff: "Tinker with the machine and erase the records"
Johnny: "Cant, too much hassle."
Biff: "ugh okay fine, what else?"
J: "Could try to replicate it, but idk how. I could wipe the record but-"
Biff: "Okay wipe the record, do that"
J: "I'm not a technician, too much hassle"
So essentially the back and forth felt a little repetitive, like he asked johnny to do the same thing twice and he essentially gives the same excuse why he can't but phrased two slightly different ways

Somewhere in the back of his mind, as he watched the fleeing sentret, Biff realized how hungry he was. As he watched it dart around a corner, a recent memory rose to the front of Biff’s mind.
I liked this chain of thought and how it reminded him to use the dead kid. Also, thats RIP to the kid

“Quite simply, it’s exactly as it sounds. It’s a lock on the mind placed there by a psychic. Once a lock has been put in place, that psychic can find the person again easily at will. …You were unaware of this lock on you?”
okay I am CONVINCED that Biff did not place this. Not only do I not remember seeing any such command given, but I don't remember Biff or Alf ever mentioning it or thinking about it. I am convinced this is a tease of something else and Alex doesn't realize it. I vaguely recall a storycrafter now about something so I bet this has to do with the ghost cult, ohohoho

“My pokémon are still here. I’m not going to leave them behind.”

“The nurse can send them when they’re recovered.”

“Actually, psychologically speaking, it’s probably best to keep everyone together for the time being,” Vivian said, hand on her hip. “We will return for you later today, when your pokémon are recovered, and then bring you with us. Is that acceptable?”
Yeah I gotta side with her, I cannot fathom going to a whole other town without my pokemon after I got mugged and one of them was kidnapped.

“Open up, damn you!”

Johnny didn’t flinch at the string of curses Biff hurled at the clamperl as he tried to pry the pokémon’s shell open, but he did admire the man’s colorful vocabulary.
lol Biff is such a dunce. You're trying to be discreet and failing so bad buddy, attracting attention to yourself like this is bad if you want people to not remember you. Also poor Clamperl thats so awful for her, being forced to evolve like that :(

Biff walked straight into a younger boy standing outside. Barely up to his waist, Biff fell forwards over the child and crumpled in a heap on the floor. “Fucking hell, watch where you’re going, you little shit!”
Bro Im giving you a gold star for dumbest thief ever. Cussing out a kid a is a great way to be remembered

After all, it would be far too suspicious for one person to be trading two of his own pokéballs with himself.
This does make me think a lot about the nature of trade evolutions, because otherwise you could trade to yourself. I guess in lore, I'd HC that the mixing of two trainers aura's imprinting on a pokemon is the trigger.

The camping was rougher than she had imagined. Though she had stowed away her favorite outfit in favor of the low-cut pink V-neck and light blue jeans she now wore – and had been spared countless bug bites because of that – that did nothing to relieve the general discomfort of sleeping on dirt every night, or travel in general. Even worse, the nightly noodles or peanut butter sandwich was becoming unbearable. Even now, in her virtual depression, she relished the small comfort that was toasted bread.
This was a fun detail! I tend not to think about it a ton but it probably is mad annoying to camp all the time, especially without a fire type to easily start fires or cook things, and then sleeping outside all the time. Especially food, I'm such a picky eater idk what i'd do with camping food all the time. Poor Kimiko, can't blame her
(I like to think in my head somehow my pokeworld has microwave meals that can be easily carried somehow and reheated, idk lol)

“Yeah, you know… girl stuff…” she replied, almost automatically. Alex just stared at her, cluelessly. “Y’know, it’s that time of the month.”

“Already? I thought that was… never mind,” he said with a shrug. “Alright, let me know when you’re ready to go.”
A fail free excuse in these kinds of situations lol. I wonder if Alex was thinking that the timing was wrong or if he's just too scared to question it hah

And then the source of the smell came into sight. On the path ahead of them, a raticate was watching their approach cautiously. Among the chaos that appeared to be the contents of someone’s traveling pack, Kimiko noticed the decaying body.
:copyka:
What you might not know is that trading pokémon has been less of a trend these days, ever since… well, let’s just say it’s been on the decline for the last few years.”
I actually do not remember quite why everything that happened in the Sayre thing happened. I remember about as much as the opening chapter gives, about Nick I guess? murdering the champions pokemon or something??? Would love to hear a brief summary if ever you felt compelled to.

“Ally switch,” Alyssa responded
Oooooo this is a fun use of the move out of battle!

The couple exchanged a look, clearly mortified at this behavior, but the woman pulled something out of her purse anyway. The blonde girl was pointing in their direction now – She had recognized him, and was trying to show her companions. “Well, if you absolutely must… who should I make this out to?”
This couple is either stupid, desperate or ignorant, Biff is so sus lol. Or I guess I am just auto sus of him because I know better

It was coming from the ghost shape beginning to change as he evolved. His round form shifted to something vaguely more triangular, and two hands took shape and actually appeared to separate from the body.
battle evolution!!!!!:quag:

Not if he planned to sell them off. If this was how it ended, she was going to go down fighting. “Over my dead body, then. I will not just abandon them.”
Mad respect for her here. He would probably kill you anyway, go down fighting!!! These situations always irritate me endlessly bc the hero will try to surrender to 'protect' their friends as if
A) world annihilation won't also kill them
B) Or the villain will, if its not world destruction at stake
Just fight for petes sake!! Glad Kimiko chose that option

She wanted her pokémon back. She didn’t want to shoot anyone, but if that’s what it took to get her pokémon back, she found she didn’t really care about the consequences.
Yes GOOD. Idk if I was in the pokemon world I wouldn't have mercy on people who kidnapped my friends. Comply or die. She ought to shoot his legs out if he tries it again, jerk.

“No tricks. Set it down and roll it to me.” She had seen similar tricks in movies, and she wasn’t about to let go of her best advantage.
Oh good, glad she didn't fall for that either, I would have been mad.

“Byss!” she hissed, firing a water gun at the thief.
Let Gorebyss kill him if she wants, or keep shooting him. He deserves it and after what he did to her she earned the right to blast him as much as she wants imo. Or kill him.

only that they do” Alyssa countered.
missing a comma
If we don’t want challengers finding ways around the maze rather than through it, then we should specify that.”
yes lol, thank you. Sorry but this is on the gym leaders. You can't make an absurd and confusing challenge, not explain the aprameters and get mad when people use their pokemons natural abilities to overcome it.

It sounded like a lore more effort than
lot more effort?

I must admit, I did not expect her to succeed.”

Alex felt a little annoyance at that; she’d only offered to give him a badge for this because she didn’t expect to have to pay up.
bruh whats her problem lol. You designed your gym badly, reap the concequences. I like her sister better, hah

“I suppose if I am to honor my word, I have to pay up. This is the clairvoyance badge.
* hisses * I don't like her lol. Not in like, an objective way or anything, she's written fine, I just mean as a person I'd like to snatch that badge from her and then battle her and flatten her if I could, to wipe that attitude out of her mouth. I think my chip on the shoulder about gym leaders is showing, heh heh.

Anyways, this was a chapter full of insights! I'm glad they used the psychic gym leaders help to figure out what Ariel's deal was. That's really traumatic... poor thing :(

I like the whole idea of how she's still not sure she respects Kimiko yet, but stayed with her because of the battle. Can't blame Ariel either, if that was my previous trainer I might have reservations about Kimiko too lol

A good set of chapters!! I think the thief arc was in particular a lot of fun, it was cool to see the worldbuilding and crime solving actually at play, and see how various pokemon moves and powers get used, both by thieves and gym leaders, to solve issues. It was also a refreshing change to see what gym leaders do to solve problems!
 

Seren

Lurking
Staff
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. sableye
I actually do not remember quite why everything that happened in the Sayre thing happened. I remember about as much as the opening chapter gives, about Nick I guess? murdering the champions pokemon or something??? Would love to hear a brief summary if ever you felt compelled to.

OKAY SO. Going to try to summarize this in a way that makes sense. Consider it an expanded version of the story Phobos and Deimos recount to the E4 in chapter 7. (It's basically the plot of Pedestal.)

So the important information... Nick Sayre was essentially the MC's best friend and mentor/teacher/coach or whatever. Basically just a good trainer that MC looked up to and whatnot. Sort of like what Kitto is to Koa, but Nick was a lot more, like, juveline than Kitto. Not immature, just younger. He has a younger brother. New trainer, iirc, but of course Nick's all proud of him. I don't even recall the kid's name, I don't think we even ever see him on-screen, but that matters in a little bit.

Early on in the fic, there's this rogue wild abomasnow that's terrorizing the area around Snowpoint. I thiiiink it had even killed a trainer or their 'mon by this point off-screen, but I don't recall. It had been reported numerous times to the league, but neither local gym leader Candace, nor league champion Cynthia, nor anyone else did anything about it. (Come to think of it, Pedestal's harsh criticism of Sinnoh's league and leaders might be a large part in why I myself dislike Cynthia so much; it really highlighted her lack of action in the games, but taken to extremes in an OC setting.)

Eventually, this rogue abomasnow, already having been on screen attacking MC and his friend, later kills Nick's younger brother. Nick gets a call about this while hanging out with MC, and just basically breaks, goes cold shoulder to MC, and takes the fuck off. It isn't revealed immediately why, but later on we find out he went off his rocker. He was pissed that Cynthia/league didn't take care of the abomasnow earlier, and if they had he wouldn't have lost his brother. So he basically calls Cynthia worthless, not worthy of her pokemon partners or even being a trainer at all, and attacks her (this is the TV scene in chapter 1; canonically in Pedestal, this was broadcast live, so chapter 1 has Alex, Kimiko, and Spruce witnessing it live as it's happening).

That was all Nick intended to do, really; just get revenge on Cynthia for his brother's death, which he blamed her for. But unknown to him, due to his speech being televised and so many people witnessing it, he gained a "cult" of sorts, of followers who agreed with the philosophy in general. They wound up building up their numbers behind the scenes, a large collection of people just known basically as "followers", who decided the world needed to be purged of "unworthy" trainers, and throughout the story make efforts to do just that. Basically targeting anyone they deemed unworthy by their own standards, including people who weren't even trainers, IE if you just kept them as pets. Sayre was essentially the face of the movement, despite never wanting or even intending to be. He was never even really involved with any of it directly. But of course he was the one everyone pinned the acts of his followers on.

So basically the world became a large mess of "you really never know who you can trust". Canonically, this bled over into other regions, too. Eventually, Sayre was taken down by his old friend, MC, and despite never wanting to be the face of the movement, his downfall basically killed it. But by then, the damage had been done. Less people were becoming trainers, people were cautious of everyone they met, etc. It basically changed the way people functioned in the world.

Cue SS, picking up in the aftermath of that world.

Without spoiling too much of my own plot, I've said a few times in various places that my goal is essentially to take Pedestal's plot, tweak it a bit, and turn it up to 11.
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
I kept literally forgetting constantly to just finish the last chapter lol. Anyways here we go... Chapter 21

In the corner of the room was a very large tree.

But the plant’s existence wasn’t even the interesting part. The tree glowed a hot bluish-white, as though teeming with energy. It was huge, its center trunk almost reaching the ceiling, and looked as though the roots had penetrated below the polished tile floor. Several of the upper branches did in fact creep through the roofing tiles, although everything remained perfectly flat, as though the tree were some sort of energy slipping through the cracks somehow.
Spruce turned into a tree I guess. RIP lol

Kidding. This fascinates me however and I am convinced this must also be tied to the emergence of the fairy typing in the region? And maybe ghost stuff. And his disappearance.

“I see,” Devon replied, again thoughtfully. “To be honest, we don’t really know what it is, either. The guard houndoom refuses to come in here, however, and my dragons are terrified of it. Please do not tell them I told you that.” He turned and winked at Alex and then returned his attention to the white glowing tree, and the sableye cowering beneath it. “It appears ghost types don’t like it, either. Or maybe it’s his dark-type half. Hmmm… Either way, you should probably recall them both.”
SEE? Dark types and dragons hate it! Maybe its a budding Xerneas. Man if this was Koa he'd be all over this but Alex feels so unconcerned lol.

“Well… okay then. Thanks, Lillia.” Kimiko carefully reached out an arm to hug her friend, taking care not to crush her new egg.

“Yeah, thanks, really,” Alex added, coddling his own egg. “What are they?”
Its literally obligatory for journeyfics to get an egg. I love that. I immediately guessed Eevee but thats because AQ, hah. I was actually thinking Charmander for the other one for some reason, idk why.

“I… don’t own any fancy clothes,” Alex replied. This really wasn’t something he was eager to get involved with. He didn’t really enjoy large crowds, but something about this felt off to him and he couldn’t quite explain why.

Kimiko, meanwhile, had perked up again at the mention of the event. “Fancy, you say? That sounds like the perfect break time activity to me! I haven’t been able to get dressed up in years! We can go shopping in Blossom after we stop by the lake.” She turned to Alex, grinning ear to ear. There was a sparkle in her eye that he hadn’t seen in a long time.

He couldn’t say no to that. “Alright, fine. I owe you, anyway.”

“Damn right you do.”
Poor Alex. NOT. Shouldn't have dragged your poor girlfriend into the spooky woods that time. Sorry but for once the girl is right, you owe her. Put that tux on.

(However, I have a sneaking suspicion this will go badly). I also do not trust Costas even slightly.

t. Alex half-turned as the bug lunged, his glowing green megahorn technique digging into Alex’s upper arm and forcing them all to the ground.
:copyka:

Lillia flew them all over with the help of Etna and Ignatius, saving them the trouble of walking, although both charizard were less than pleased with the large number of riders and their flying was slowed as a result.
Those must be big Charizard!!! Anime Charizard seem like they can carry like, two people at most, but one of them must be carrying... three? Lillia, Costas, Alex, Kimiko... oh nevermind, I can't math. Ignore me lol.

Costas held up a phone to interrupt her, his voice suddenly carrying an authority that startled her. “Help is already on the way.”
I do not trust him.

This was fun! I like that Alex got a Torchic (kind of sad we didn't see it on screen but oh well), Torchic is based. I know Kimiko must have gotten an Eevee but things went downhill too fast to appreciate the Eeevee, RIP. I like the little bit of whump we got here, with this wild Heracross goring his arm. Costas is ready to help but something about the entire situation rings so weird.

Costas definitely feels like he's up to something.

Also I figured I'd leave a few more general fic impressions... nothing too heavy on crit, since I know thats not your vibe.

Bits I like: Alex and Kimiko's casual relationship. I appreciate that they have an established relationship and there's non of the awkward romance set up, which can feel pretty boring to me on a personal level. I think there's a lot of cute details in the way they bounce off each other during their journey, and the way they look out for each other. Its also a dynamic I feel like I don't see alot? I like it.

The way you wrote your pokemon characters. They feel very well established and have strong personalities, and desires of their own. They often get their own unique screentime and even chapters/scenes of just them, and its quite delightful. Also the types of pokemon you picked are pretty fun and there's some uncommon ones too, particularly a gorebyss? That's great.

Using multiple POVs. It really works with your lowkey writing style to just slip between different POvs imo. You get to really get into characters heads and it makes the wider world feel alive and diverse. It also taps into this feeling of a wider overarching story instead of the usual singular pov of journeyfic.

Gyms and gym tests. I absolutely love bringing this back, and honestly it makes me really wanna bring them back into my fic, hah. I like that each gym is a puzzle, I love the puzzles themselves, and I love how you show trainer and pokemon working together to solve these puzzles. Narratively its great, and it adds a little more excitement to gyms for me.

Characters. In general I think you have some pretty fun characters. Alex and Kimiko are definitely interesting and there's juice to get into with her missing father. Also having a couple makes for good whump type stuff and spices up the situations. I dig the gym leaders, and all the little slice of life moments that are worked in, and the way different characters all have different takes on things (the fairy type scene with the trainer commentating on Kirsten's Arceus beliefs comes to mind)

Move usage worldbuilding. Stuff like Feint attack and teleport mechanics and ally switch are great examples of the delightful ways you have moves used on and off the battlefield. Also things like the psychic shield around a town are awesome. All these little ideas really shine through and make your take on the pokemon world come to life.

Journeyfic/plot/scenarios. Generally I really enjoy how you incoporate the usual journeyfic mainstays into the story. There's unique catches and encounters, moments when I expected a capture but it was subverted, clever tactics, some less common pokemon, and even unexpected routes to evolutions (Mudkips was nice, especially with Poliwhirl helping).
Also the MCs general reluctance to jump headfirst into the plot is rather amusing and refreshing, they're not like the usual gungho MC eager to fight bad guys but the keep running into things.

Bits I struggled with: Motivation. I know we talked about this briefly and I happen to know they both sort of have their own, but I honestly struggled to connect with them or really see the motivation/drive. This could be a me thing, cause I tend to prefer bombastic or extreme characters who are hungry, so take with a grain of salt. But it was a bit hard to really feel Alex and Kimiko wanted things. Don't get me wrong, I think as characters they work, but as far as actions they take, or internal narration, I found myself feeling distant from them or not quite getting a strong sense of what drives them.

I know Kimiko wants to find her father. But I don't think I ever see her bring it up aside from the one scene it comes up in. I think this could be rectified easily enough by having scenes of her looking for him. Maybe showing pictures to nurse joys. Or asking traveling trainers about it, or more poking into leads. Maybe an internet search reveals something, so they go to and out of the way town to investigate. having her reflect on her father and what he was like, things like that. Otherwise it actually feels like maybe she doesn't care (which I guess you could take that route but it seems like thats not your intent)

As for Alex, I know his is a little different, since he's not looking for something but kind of running from something. But I think this could show a little more. Frustration at losing, moments of doubt, throwing himself too hard into training. I think the foundation is there, he does do some of this, but I think touching on it a little more showing how he's not sure of what he wants could be great. heck, maybe there's a scene where a trainer they meet asks him about his plans after the journey, but he changes the topics. Even if he's not consciously aware of this.

I think thats the biggest hiccup I ran into. there were definitely simply times it felt a bit like Alex and Kimiko were on this journey kind of just cause, and I couldn't get a good fix on their internal drive. Ofc, there's still time to work this in so I don't think its a gamebreaker. Lmk if you feel like chatting about this more sometime, hopefully what i said gives you insight.

The only other quirk is pretty subjective, which is prose/heaviness. I tend to love me when whump or angst really lays it on thick, which is probably why I enjoyed that bit where Kimiko had a little breakdown after the second thing in the forest, and I felt like it stood out to me in how the emotions were written. I like when prose does a lot of showing details like holding back tears, tightness in the chest, maybe the way ones vision narrows when panicking and stuff. I actually found myself hoping for more visceral sensations at the heracross goring scene. Kimiko being scared comes through well, but I like seeing how. is she shaking, maybe tears are blurring everything and her heart is pounding etc.

This isn't me saying you need to change anything though. Just a random note of what spices up whump for me and gets me into a scene.

I do want to stress generally I found more things I enjoyed then struggled with, and really the biggest bit for me personally is just a bit more active scenes of motives.

I figure since I am caught up and legally allowed to demand new content I can say this. Gud fic please update?
 
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Seren

Lurking
Staff
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. sableye
Now that you're (Tetra) all caught up, I'll sit down and do a proper review reply roundup. I think I'll start with Chapter 7 and pick out the important bits from there, since that's still from this year.

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The one part that definitely surprised me is the champion showing up where they are. Not because she ran into them but because their reaction to her seems really... normal? It's kind of like if I was camping and then the president of the united states emerged from the woods and I tell him 'wow youlook rough'. I guess I expected more of a sense of shock or awe or wonder at meeting the champion, but it felt pretty casual.

This is one of those things that I notice I struggle with a lot about my own writing. I'm not very good at showing feelings and emotions and actions. They're still there, but I don't seem to always write them properly. This scene here might be a good example of that. Admittedly, I don't think either Alex nor Kimiko would be very hero-worship-like either, but maybe a bit more surprise in their tone of voice would be a good idea. I myself wouldn't be super shocked if like, someone famous just stumbled upon me in a supermarket or something, but that doesn't mean my characters are. Like, idk, I'd definitely be shocked, but I wouldn't be going like "oh wow, you're Michael Jordan!!!!11" or something, y'know?

My problem, I think, is that because I personally wouldn't have an over-the-top reaction, I struggle to figure out how to write one, too. This is just one example, but I started with this one for a reason that we'll get to later.

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So what just happened is the pokemon had a fight, Steelix hit hard and enough so that if not for Natural Cure, Staryu could be maimed for life? Cyrus response is relaxed and carefree, not terribly concerned or even apologetic. It feels a bit odd for a gym elader to maim a challengers pokemon and not apologize. or appear more remorseful. (Unless Cyrus is meant to be cold?)

This is another example of the above thing, too. I meant for this to be a bit of a 'Alex and his team aren't quite ready for this gym yet' sort of thing, and Steelix just got a lucky hit; it wasn't obviously trying to injure its opponent. Likewise, Cyrus wasn't meant to be so neutral, it was supposed to be him having a level head in a bit of a crisis situation. Analyzing how bad the damage is and whatnot.

Like, I always enjoy comparing battles to irl sports. Accidents happen sometimes. Like, in hockey, I've seen players getting career-ending cuts from ice skate blades. Obviously that's rare, and it's never intentional, but people are falling down constantly during the game, and that's normal, it's part of the game, and sometimes things happen. You don't throw the game just because one player got hurt.

So that's sort of what happened here. Koyomi was taking on an opponent she was at disadvantage against, power wise, and he accidentally hurt her. It's not like Steelix was going to let up; it's a battle. You battle to win, especially at a gym. This just happened to be a specific kind of injury that could be bad. Cyrus (obviously not Team Galactic Cyrus btw, but you probably figured that out already by now) did call off the match as soon as it happened, too, because he realized, uh oh, that's not something that's just going to heal on it's own.

I did intend for this to be another case of showing how he pokedex isn't always The Law either. Because it says when staryu's gem is broken, they can't be regenerated. I thought that was stupid, so I changed it so it was just difficult and long natural process, so long that most staryu don't have long enough life spans to do so. Also, pokemon center healing speeds things along greatly, compared to if the staryu was wild. On top of that, I was trying to make use of natural cure; obviously it's a healing ability, so between that and a pokemon center, even serious injuries can be recovered from. So while this was kind of a 'oh shit' moment, Cyrus is a gym leader, he's smart and he's seen things before, so he knew there was a good chance she'd recover.

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Paralysis from electric attacks can be permanent? Thats terrifying! Yet again, I wonder about the boundaries between gym leaders, gym leaders pokemon, and how adept they are at not causing grievous injury. Not from like a 'training is unethical' standpoint mind you, but just from a 'respect and health' standpoint, the way there's rules and boundaries in MMA or boxing or other contact sports.

Like clearly pokemon are sapient and cognizant enough to play in bands, act independently., and even get drunk. But they're also of course, different from humans in ability and desire. Do Cory's pokemon fully understand what pokemon are more fragile and which ones are not? Or is it a gym leaders job to call them off? It definitely seems like the latter.

In which case, yikes!!! pls pay better attention next time lol.

Also given this has happened twice, I hope that Alex will be more cautious going forward!

Connecting to the steelix vs staryu bit, this.

First, the paralysis thing. This was meant as a "your pokemon pushed itself beyond its limit" kind of thing, that's why the paralysis could have caused serious lasting damage. I'm of the mind that pokemon attacks can still do harm if they really wanted to and/or were used improperly. For example, my take is kind of a hybrid between irl fire and your aura fire. A flamethrower can still easily cause severe burns if it hits a person. Same applies to pokemon; however, pokemon are a lot more durable because they're elemental creatures, so they're designed by nature to withstand attacks. That's how they train and grow. Humans are a bit more durable than irl humans, sort of an in-universe million-year (or however long you wanna call it) 'evolution' of their own so help them adapt to a world where these energies flow freely all over, but they're nowhere near the level of tolerance as actual pokemon.

I do have a side-route to this that I allude to once or twice but I don't know if it'll ever be truly relevant or come up again (at least, at present I have no plans to). Humans that hang around specific pokemon types enough do gain some extra affinity to said type. So someone like Alex, who has a grass, ghost/dark, and water-type, probably wouldn't have any kind of special affinity. But a mono-ghost trainer for example might, say, have a heightened sixth sense, where they can more easily just sense when something is behind them or whatever. Or, a mono-fire-type trainer like Lillia, on the other hand, might have a higher ceiling for what they consider hot weather, so they'd be comfortable in like 90 degree heat, while most people start to sweat. And this can manifest in various ways, not just one; perhaps a different mono-fire trainer still gets warm at the normal temperature, but instead feel cold in 70 degree weather. (Obviously I haven't given this a huge deal of thought to what each type could do; I usually just wing it as it becomes necessary, but it's fun to think about.)

That was a large tangent, though, so back on topic, and shifting from the paralysis to the drunk electabuzz thing. Perhaps something Cory should have stepped in earlier for, but that one was on him, and he got chewed out for it very effectively (I think) as a result. Really, he underestimated just how drunk his pokemon was, and I thought it was good to leave it rather than have him make an illegal swap or just call off the battle (because that would feel so cheap).

Anyway, all this to say that in general, the league isn't like, out to hurt trainers' pokemon. They're certainly meant to be showing trainers how harsh the trainer's life can be, though, and I can't tell if I'm going overboard or just going about having the leaders' showing that in the wrong ways.

Huh, so there's ways a trainer can hold back evolution against a pokemon's will? Does this mean like everstones, and does that mean everstones used improperly can cause harm, or does the nurse just mean like, emotional coercion?

Highlighting this because it's important; yes, the nurse meant coercion here. Obviously a trainer can't physically force their pokemon not to evolve, but they can be like "no, you need to stop this, I need/want to keep you in this current form" which is considered abuse. If the pokemon doesn't want to, it's their choice. The trainer doesn't get a say in this, according to the law. Like, it's fine if, say, the trainer/pokemon agree to postpone it or something so they can have one last battle in the current form or whatever, but they have to agree. And the nurse here mentions it because of the damage to Alex's staryu; obviously she wasn't there and doesn't know the circumstances until/unless Alex explains it to her. From her perspective, Alex may have just made his pokemon battle longer than was safe, and also keeping his pokemon from evolving. So it's her duty to speak up.

Anyways, none of my vibes to this chapter are negative, I actually found this one of my favorites maybe, alongside 13 with Kirsten. Maybe I'm thinking about this too hard (gym leaders and responsibility and harm) in which case, don't mind my ramblings!

The parts I enjoyed most are the way you use gym challenges tbh. (Makes me wish I hadn't ditched them for my fic, rip). Seeing Alex work through the challenges with his pokemon, and the playing off between him helping them, and them helping him, was really lovely!!

Honestly, no, I don't think you were thinking about it too hard! It just means I'm not conveying my intentions entirely properly.

As for the gym challenges, I'm pleased with that reaction. My whole intention with keeping them in the fic was to put a creative and interesting spin on the games' take and make them feel like they belonged there, rather than just an annoying game mechanic. I don't blame anyone for skipping them or cutting them out, though.

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Poor thing, Biff is a meanie. Also Biff is such a funny name, its hard to see him as very threatening with a name like that.

Good. This is intentional. I've kind of modeled him after a more goofy version of Nate and Dave. Absolutely hard to take seriously, which (I hope) makes the shock value worse when he actually does something dangerous. Because he absolutely can be a menace, on both senses of the word.

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This was a fun bit, lots of new POVs! I'm not always big on omniscient but I like it hear, I think it really gives a nice diversity to see all the different characters headspaces and how they operate.

I'm glad you enjoy the multiple POV thing! I try not to do it too much, outside of shifting between Alex and Kimiko on occasion, since they're sharing the MC spotlight. I do like to try to get into my characters' heads and letting people see what it looks like sometimes.

Interesting, so thats how he gained its loyalty. Was definitely wondering sometimes how rude people do it lol, this makes sense. Poor Alf, he seems like he could be a nice pokemon if his loyalty wasn't misguided.

Yep, I'm debating whether or not I want to actually dive back into Alf's history or not. I might do it as part of my 'extras' collection whenever I get around to putting that together. (I haven't actually gotten a solid plan for how it even happens yet, but I never planned for it to be fic-relevant. Still could be a fun side-story to dive into though.)

Biff hits this weird balance of trying really hard to be cool but seems like a Grade A loser who is not very composed and cool as he wants to be, lol.

Nailed it

Ohhhh thats fun! I always think its interesting to see the approach to 'trade' evolutions, since they can feel a tad game-y, but I like this tbh. Implies it can happen outside trades but it just happens more commonly in a trade.

This is exactly why I made trade evolution different. "They can only change shape if you give it to someone else" like ????? No.

I do also think that most evolutions can happen naturally, too, regardless of how they work. (Paldea has wild eeveelutions so that helps to confirm this.) I just HC that these evolutions aren't entirely common because they just take a reeeeeeeally long time, for whatever reason. After all, pokemon like gorebyss have to have existed in nature somehow before someone decided to just let it have a scale and trade it by chance, right? (Or else where would the first gorebyss scale have come from?? The first clamperl could never have evolved without one, unless it somehow already existed anyway.)

It can be a bit different for pokemon that require specific items, too, rather than something like graveler. Like, for example, scizor. Scyther can only evolve into scizor if it lives in an area with a lot of metal, like in a cave or rock wall or something. And since most scyther live in forests, this doesn't happen often.

Ohohohoho I really liked this bit. I always feel like the myriad of pokemon powers are woefully underutilized sometimes, so something like this was fun to see.

Another thing I like to do; sometimes pokemon abilities aren't just battle moves or battle abilities.

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This section tripped me up a little bit because as best as I can understand, it goes like this:
Biff: "Tinker with the machine and erase the records"
Johnny: "Cant, too much hassle."
Biff: "ugh okay fine, what else?"
J: "Could try to replicate it, but idk how. I could wipe the record but-"
Biff: "Okay wipe the record, do that"
J: "I'm not a technician, too much hassle"
So essentially the back and forth felt a little repetitive, like he asked johnny to do the same thing twice and he essentially gives the same excuse why he can't but phrased two slightly different ways

Yep, Johnny was basically trying to weasel his way out of actually doing anything he could potentially get in serious trouble with the law over. Perhaps not worded the best, but he just reeeeally didn't want to do it because it was too easy to trace back to him.

okay I am CONVINCED that Biff did not place this. Not only do I not remember seeing any such command given, but I don't remember Biff or Alf ever mentioning it or thinking about it. I am convinced this is a tease of something else and Alex doesn't realize it. I vaguely recall a storycrafter now about something so I bet this has to do with the ghost cult, ohohoho

Without spoiling too much, this whole psychic lock scene is one of the larger issues ones to go and tweak. I didn't have a 100% concrete idea where I was going with it when I added it, just that I wanted to add it, and did not do so effectively at all.

This does make me think a lot about the nature of trade evolutions, because otherwise you could trade to yourself. I guess in lore, I'd HC that the mixing of two trainers aura's imprinting on a pokemon is the trigger.

Admittedly, I haven't really come up with a good reason why someone couldn't just trade with themselves to cause an evolution. In theory, with how I currently have it set up, a thief wouldn't be able to do it alone, but a legit trainer (not Biff) should be able to just send their pokeball through the machine to do it themselves, if all it takes is the energy the machine requires. What's the league gonna do, say it's law requiring ownership to change hands to use the machines??

Probably need to re-work this eventually. (I think I mentioned that this whole arc was giving me fits and I wasn't satisfied with it but I just wanted to move on; I think I'm beginning to understand why.)

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A fail free excuse in these kinds of situations lol. I wonder if Alex was thinking that the timing was wrong or if he's just too scared to question it hah

Oh, Alex absolutely thought he knew the timing, and that this wasn't it. Definitely a case of "I thought I knew how this works but it's not my business, let's just stop talking about it." Exactly the male reaction Kimiko was hoping for. :copyka:

This couple is either stupid, desperate or ignorant, Biff is so sus lol. Or I guess I am just auto sus of him because I know better

Honestly I'm kind of hoping you're just sus because you know better, but if you have any ideas on how to make him less weird about it, I'm all ears. He's supposed to be coming off skittish and antsy, but not suspicious or anything.

Yes GOOD. Idk if I was in the pokemon world I wouldn't have mercy on people who kidnapped my friends. Comply or die. She ought to shoot his legs out if he tries it again, jerk.

I did consider having her do something like that, shooting him just for the sake of injuring him, but she told me she just wouldn't do that if she got what she wanted. (Meaning I wrote it and it just felt wrong. I want to whump her, but I gotta do it right.)

Let Gorebyss kill him if she wants, or keep shooting him. He deserves it and after what he did to her she earned the right to blast him as much as she wants imo. Or kill him.

Gotta be honest, this got a real good laugh out of me the first time I read it. :mewlulz:

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yes lol, thank you. Sorry but this is on the gym leaders. You can't make an absurd and confusing challenge, not explain the aprameters and get mad when people use their pokemons natural abilities to overcome it.

On one hand, you don't hand someone a maze book and a pencil and expect them to just circle the outside of the border to get to the exit. That's cheating and not very sporting. But on the other hand, this wasn't handled very well at all.

The one single thing I liked about this gym was that, while Alex did the battling, Kimiko got to help solve the test for a chance (she's been doing her own off-screen anyway, but it was nice to show it.)

Another reason this entire arc infuriated me; I couldn't figure out what the hell to do for their gym. Still don't honestly, as I'm probably going to try harder in the re-write, but by this point in the past, I was so absolutely done with this arc, and it shows right here in this gym. I had only vague ideas of what I wanted to do with it to begin with, but I couldn't figure out how to connect it with the psychic-typing that they use. (I suppose, in theory, I didn't need to; Cyrus's gym has nothing to do with his steel-types, other than being a difficult type to overcome so it makes it hard without giving commands. And Cory's gym doesn't really have anything to do with electricity, either; I just really wanted to do a boot camp theme and it was the best fit, especially given Surge was electric, too. So I do feel like they're both at least vaguely, distantly related to the gym type somehow, even if it's not obvious.)

But even now, if I don't connect it with the type, I still want something that Alex can learn from!

Originally I was looking at a game show type thing. (It does have that vague connection I want; gotta be smart to be on a quiz show, and psychics tend to be intelligent.) But I couldn't figure out exactly what to do with it. Nor how to write it in a way that would be interesting. Feels more suited to TV.

I didn't really want to do another maze either (because spoiler alert, there's already another one in the remaining gyms). But again, I'd kinda given up on this arc by this point. I actually got the idea for a 'psychedelic' maze from someone else, and adopted it here with the introduction of the terrain moves. At the time it felt genius, but I really think I was just being hasty because I wanted to move on.

I do kind of want to keep the "you get the badge for teaching your pokemon a unique move" thing though, so whatever I come up with, Alex will either fail or win on a technicality and they come up with that as a solution.

So actually, if you have any other ideas for a psychic gym, absolutely let me know! (I'm trying not to do something that's already done, so no like teleportation pads IE Sabrina's/Valerie's gym.)

.
Its literally obligatory for journeyfics to get an egg. I love that. I immediately guessed Eevee but thats because AQ, hah. I was actually thinking Charmander for the other one for some reason, idk why.

Given Lillia has two charizard, one of them being her starter (and we've previously established that the correct number of charizard for any fic is at least four, lol), that was a reasonable guess!

Poor Alex. NOT. Shouldn't have dragged your poor girlfriend into the spooky woods that time. Sorry but for once the girl is right, you owe her. Put that tux on.

(However, I have a sneaking suspicion this will go badly). I also do not trust Costas even slightly.

:copyka:

(Did I spoil it by putting him in the villain's RP? :mewlulz:)

Those must be big Charizard!!! Anime Charizard seem like they can carry like, two people at most, but one of them must be carrying... three? Lillia, Costas, Alex, Kimiko... oh nevermind, I can't math. Ignore me lol.

One of them did have three! Michelle was there too. Although you're forgiven for not remembering her. I've done criminally little with her since adding her to the arc. (It's times like these where having a proper plot outline would be smart. I knew I couldn't bring Kimiko home and not have her meet her sister again, I just obviously had no idea what to do with her after that.)

.
Also having a couple makes for good whump type stuff and spices up the situations.

There's hasn't been a whole lot of opportunities for this as of yet, but I do intend to dive deeper into this in later chapters, particularly once the cult portion really kicks off.

Also the MCs general reluctance to jump headfirst into the plot is rather amusing and refreshing, they're not like the usual gungho MC eager to fight bad guys but the keep running into things.

They just wanna travel, damnit! :copyka: It's not their fault the world has other plans! That, and I do like me some unwilling protagonists! I've just taken a different approach compared to, say, Yellow's Wes & Rui.

Motivation. I know we talked about this briefly and I happen to know they both sort of have their own, but I honestly struggled to connect with them or really see the motivation/drive. This could be a me thing, cause I tend to prefer bombastic or extreme characters who are hungry, so take with a grain of salt. But it was a bit hard to really feel Alex and Kimiko wanted things. Don't get me wrong, I think as characters they work, but as far as actions they take, or internal narration, I found myself feeling distant from them or not quite getting a strong sense of what drives them.

I feel that, and honestly at the start they were just traveling just because I wanted them to. So yeah, that needs to be addressed. This is one of those things I want to put clues in earlier. Alex's loss to Cyrus would have been a really good time to insert his fear of failure, I think; the trick will be blending it in with Kimiko's outburst and not having either one overshadow the other. Kimiko's will be a little trickier, since she's technically already talked about her motivation, so it's more about sprinkling in little clips of that, as you say. That said, I agree, they both do feel like they're just 'going through the motions' of a journeyfic with no real desires.

I do have plans to throw Kimiko a curveball when she finally finds a clue relating to her father, but I agree that it should be made to look like she's actually trying in earlier chapters. For both of them.

I know this issue largely stems from my writing style; I don't have a solid outline for the plot, just a flexible skeleton for what main plot points happen when with several chapters in between for filler/worldbuilding stuff (which is why gyms typically happen every 5 chapters to end an arc). And given how long I've been writing this, the newer ideas that get added obviously don't usually have early fic foreshadowing or other details. (Things like why Kimiko is traveling were a mid-fic afterthought, for example, based off a former beta's suggestion, so most of the chapters before she mentions her father, I hadn't known myself what the reason was at the time.)

The only solutions I have to that are either to write the entire fic before publishing, so I know everything that's happening and then edit based on reader feedback later, or publish as-is so I can still talk about the fic, and go back and clean it up afterwards. I've opted for the latter because with my pace, I'll never finish it otherwise.

The only other quirk is pretty subjective, which is prose/heaviness. I tend to love me when whump or angst really lays it on thick, which is probably why I enjoyed that bit where Kimiko had a little breakdown after the second thing in the forest, and I felt like it stood out to me in how the emotions were written. I like when prose does a lot of showing details like holding back tears, tightness in the chest, maybe the way ones vision narrows when panicking and stuff. I actually found myself hoping for more visceral sensations at the heracross goring scene. Kimiko being scared comes through well, but I like seeing how. is she shaking, maybe tears are blurring everything and her heart is pounding etc.

This isn't me saying you need to change anything though. Just a random note of what spices up whump for me and gets me into a scene.

Finally, this, which ties back into the very first quote from chapter 7. A lot of this issue stems from me just not knowing how to write experiences like this effectively. Honestly, having the heracross attack scene from Kimiko's PoV felt limiting in how I could show the reaction to the attack, but I also felt like it made more sense than doing it from Alex's while he's the one just lying on the floor in pain. (Which I guess may have been more of what you were looking for, but I'm less confident that I could play off an accurate description of what it feels like and the thoughts going through his head, rather than the thoughts of someone just watching it.)

That said, I know I do need to step up my game there, too.
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Replies, even though I should be working 😛

My problem, I think, is that because I personally wouldn't have an over-the-top reaction, I struggle to figure out how to write one, too. This is just one example, but I started with this one for a reason that we'll get to later.
Oh yeah, that makes sense then if their characters wouldn't go for an over the top reaction. I think personally I'd still expect something, like if you ran into a notable public figure or celebrity, like if you went to the park and just saw Michael Jordan playing streetball, you might go "oh wow! Hey MJ!", you might be taken aback or curious. (Unless sighting her around is really common! In which case you can lean into this intentionally as part of Alex/Kimiko's characters and Kirstens.) But all in all a minor observation.

Like, I always enjoy comparing battles to irl sports. Accidents happen sometimes. Like, in hockey, I've seen players getting career-ending cuts from ice skate blades. Obviously that's rare, and it's never intentional, but people are falling down constantly during the game, and that's normal, it's part of the game, and sometimes things happen. You don't throw the game just because one player got hurt.
I did intend for this to be another case of showing how he pokedex isn't always The Law either. Because it says when staryu's gem is broken, they can't be regenerated. I thought that was stupid, so I changed it so it was just difficult and long natural process, so long that most staryu don't have long enough life spans to do so. Also, pokemon center healing speeds things along greatly, compared to if the staryu was wild. On top of that, I was trying to make use of natural cure; obviously it's a healing ability, so between that and a pokemon center, even serious injuries can be recovered from. So while this was kind of a 'oh shit' moment, Cyrus is a gym leader, he's smart and he's seen things before, so he knew there was a good chance she'd recover.
oohhhhh okay this framing does clear things up. I think Cyrus unintentionally comes off as aloof here, mostly because we can't get a sense of his emotion. Your clarification about trying to make him seem levelheaded in a crisis and this being like a sports injury makes sense though. Something that might help in that case is perhaps a brief glimpse of Steelix looking regretful, or even Cyrus offering comfort to Steelix ("its okay, accidents happen in battle buddy") and/or perhaps a bit of observation in the narration like 'worry creased Cyrus face, but his tone remained calm and placating'. A hint of some kind of cue to show that he cares but is trying to stay calm as a gym leader.

It could be just a me thing, but from my reading of the incident the only thing I could detect was that Cyrus responded so relaxed that it felt cold. So probably adding one or two lines whenever you do your edits will help give it the vibe you're aiming for (or again, maybe im the outlier in which case, dont mind me)

Anyway, all this to say that in general, the league isn't like, out to hurt trainers' pokemon. They're certainly meant to be showing trainers how harsh the trainer's life can be, though, and I can't tell if I'm going overboard or just going about having the leaders' showing that in the wrong ways.
So it's her duty to speak up.
Actually I think the Electabuzz bit stands as a good example overall! We see remorse from the gym leader, consequences via him getting chewed out, and I just got more of an impression that it was still serious/important.
Granted, this was due to a bad decision letting Electabuzz battle, vs Steelix accidentally hitting too hard. But I appreciated the narration acknowledging it.
Also I should clarify and own to me having a slight bias, given my world has slightly different battle mechanics, whereas yours are more like a sports thing, so that colors my responses a bit probably, heh.

Good. This is intentional. I've kind of modeled him after a more goofy version of Nate and Dave. Absolutely hard to take seriously, which (I hope) makes the shock value worse when he actually does something dangerous. Because he absolutely can be a menace, on both senses of the word.
Oh yeah, Biff absolutely hits those notes really well. He's actually sort of my fav, in a hateable way like, what a despicable loser, goofy but then also malicious and dangerous.

Without spoiling too much, this whole psychic lock scene is one of the larger issues ones to go and tweak. I didn't have a 100% concrete idea where I was going with it when I added it, just that I wanted to add it, and did not do so effectively at all.
Okay huh thats surprising because I 100% assumed
her father put it there for some reason? Like unless im totally misremembering, her father joined the ghost cult, but I also assumed maybe he wanted to find her later and thus placed the lock on her at some point? Either as a safety measure or as control? I totally think you can very easily work this back into your plot if you wanted. I totally thought it was a secret plot point subtly being misdirected but is definitely important. I like it.

Honestly I'm kind of hoping you're just sus because you know better, but if you have any ideas on how to make him less weird about it, I'm all ears. He's supposed to be coming off skittish and antsy, but not suspicious or anything.
The reason I'd find him sus is because he's skittish. If you're very legally selling something, you have nothing to be skittish about. Like if I went to adopt a fancy show dog but the breeder/seller kept getting all jumpy I'd start to question things. Especially if I know that animal theft (in this example) is definitely prevalent.
To be fair, its not an unrealistic reaction. Lots of people dismiss their better judgement or are just super unaware. I myself am probably slightly paranoid and overly cautious, so thats why I'd be sus of him.
So not a bad thing! I actually just assumed they were oblivious in the way some wealthy people are, hah

(Meaning I wrote it and it just felt wrong. I want to whump her, but I gotta do it right.)
No I feel you though, its gotta be the right time

Another reason this entire arc infuriated me; I couldn't figure out what the hell to do for their gym. Still don't honestly, as I'm probably going to try harder in the re-write, but by this point in the past, I was so absolutely done with this arc, and it shows right here in this gym. I had only vague ideas of what I wanted to do with it to begin with, but I couldn't figure out how to connect it with the psychic-typing that they use.
I actually kind of dug the angle that the two sisters couldn't quite agree and were themselves apparently figuring it out, so leaning on that is fine. My gripe is entirely reader centric/personal, not a storytelling flaw, so I think it works well enough! I honestly wouldn't change it, if anything just commit fully to the bit about the leaders themselves still refining their own test.

(Did I spoil it by putting him in the villain's RP? :mewlulz:)
No actually! Just confirmed it, because everything about him was setting alarm bells off in my head, heh. I had started writing this review before I made the villains RP but didn't finish it until last night.

One of them did have three! Michelle was there too.
Oh my gosh I wasn't losing my mind, okay good to know.

The only solutions I have to that are either to write the entire fic before publishing, so I know everything that's happening and then edit based on reader feedback later, or publish as-is so I can still talk about the fic, and go back and clean it up afterwards. I've opted for the latter because with my pace, I'll never finish it otherwise.
Thats a whole mood though. Honestly you're 100% right, speaking from experience, pushing forward is a much better way to go. fanfic is a journey with the author, not a perfectly polished masterpiece. Thats what published fic is for. Just try to pretend like everything is intentional by adding crit into future chapters :alien:(I wanted to put a galaxeon here but).

Like for example. I mentioned motives and you noted you're aware of this, so instead of backediting for ages, just pretend like you did it on purpose. Maybe Kimiko was afraid or uncertain how to even begin looking and she feels bad for not making enough effort! So sometime in the next chapter or so she confesses her fears and changes her approach (and now you look like a genius).
Or Alex has a moment of crises as he recovers from his wound, wondering why he's even here and feels like he's going through the motions. Maybe the prose is distant because the characters are trying to keep themselves emotionally distant, so the emotions don't kick in until later. (Like Kimiko and the Heracross attack. Maybe she gets extra emotional about it later once she processes it.)

You don't have to do it like that, but thats one option for sure! I myself plan to use it for a particular characters arc. Its also how I did that battle we talked about in LA with Koa vs Avis. I was about to delete the whole thing and rewrite but then I just pretended it was on purpose.

Honestly, having the heracross attack scene from Kimiko's PoV felt limiting in how I could show the reaction to the attack, but I also felt like it made more sense than doing it from Alex's while he's the one just lying on the floor in pain. (Which I guess may have been more of what you were looking for, but I'm less confident that I could play off an accurate description of what it feels like and the thoughts going through his head, rather than the thoughts of someone just watching it.)
Oh no yeah, you don't have to have it even be from Alex POV to get juicy, there's good stuff when a loved one is in crisis. For example, I try to think of all the emotions associated with that, and how my character might process them. For example...

Koa: His brain might immediately go into a self doubt spiral because he's so used to blaming himself and having a perfectionist complex.
Marcel: He's a protective type, so he might get angry at the one causing the harm, but he's also level headed, so he'll try to defuse and problem solve.
In either example, I try to consider various bodily manifestations of the emotions. Is the emotional character crying uncontrollably? Are their hands shaking so much they can't do anything? Is theit jaw set with anger and body tensed with rage? Or maybe their thoughts literally spiral? [Again. He did it again he was a failure as a trainer who couldn't protect his pokemon and-]. Perhaps they're panicking and can't breathe, or they can't tear their eyes away from the blood, oh gosh so much blood.
Anyways, I do want to stress that this is particularly subjective. If you've read BITTP then you'll probably get a glimpse of the brand of whump I especially dig, but its surely not appropriate for every situation, nor is it everyone's cup of tea. Also this is just a wild pokemon attack so you don't have to go that heavy even. Just thoughts for future chapters when you want to dig into angst/whump stuff.

anyways I just felt like replying to this, hopefully some of this commentary actually helps you!
 
Chapter 22 - Mansion in the Mountains

Seren

Lurking
Staff
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. sableye
Chapter 22 – Mansion in the Mountains


Alex woke to a pressure on his stomach. He could tell just from smell alone that he must be in some sort of hospital; the place absolutely reeked of antiseptics. He hesitated to open his eyes, afraid of what he’d see. He was alive, at least, and sensed no danger, but he had numerous questions. How long had he been here? How badly was he injured? What happened to his pokémon? The baby torchic? He couldn’t remember anything after the heracross made contact, anything except the sharp pain that felt like it had shattered his arm and reverberated throughout the rest of his body.

But he couldn’t just lie like that forever. When he did finally open his eyes, three things simultaneously caught his attention and he had to struggle to sort them out, still waking up from the haze. Firstly, the room was dark; the only source of light came from a small window in the door, but even that illuminated enough to confirm he was in a hospital room. Curtains concealed the window on the opposite wall to his left.

Second, the pressure on his stomach was Kimiko’s head. She was slumped over in her chair beside his bed with her arms crossed in front of her, fast asleep. Alex pondered idly how she was allowed to stay; didn’t hospitals have specific visiting hours? Regardless, he was relieved to have some company upon waking, even if she herself was in slumber. If she was here, anyone else’s injuries must be minor, if any existed.

And third… both his left arm as well as his right ankle were in casts. He had known something was seriously wrong with his arm the moment that the heracross made contact; that was a pain he’d never before experienced. He’d never so much as broken a bone before. He couldn’t move that arm at all right now, although it did occasionally throb uncomfortably, so at least he could still feel it. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know just how serious an injury he’d endured.

He’d also been aware of pain in his foot, but he hadn’t realized that too had been cast-worthy; he’d just thought he twisted or sprained his ankle when he fell. The cast likely meant not walking for a while. He couldn’t go parading around the region on crutches, much less when his journey’s next destination took him through the forest full of unpredictable and dangerous ghosts. It would have been a struggle to convince Kimiko to head there on a good day. With him injured, the chances of her letting him travel anywhere were next to zero.

Well… Kimiko had wanted a break. Looked like she was about to get a lengthier one than Alex had planned. Could be worse, he figured. At least if he got restless, there were still options. Just because he couldn’t wander the region didn’t mean he couldn’t still practice battles in a park or something. He wouldn’t let this interfere with his team’s training. He couldn’t.

Having analyzed his situation, he was left to wonder once again… what the hell happened? Where were his pokémon? Particularly the baby torchic. Thorn and Koyomi could both handle themselves, if necessary, but the torchic was only just hatched… Alex didn’t seriously think Kimiko or Lillia would have left any of their pokémon behind. They were all probably safely back in their balls in his bag… wherever that was. He couldn’t see it in the room from his position, and he wouldn’t be able to relax until he knew they were safe and accounted for.

But what was their condition? Had any of them gotten hurt after he passed out? He’d kept Diamond in his ball during the picnic, but Thorn had been keeping Michelle company. And what about Michelle, for that matter? What about Kimiko’s team? What about Ariel? Radar and Koyomi had been relatively close by last time he’d glanced at the lake, but the gorebyss had been long since out of sight.

And what about the rest of them? Lillia’s blaziken had been caught off guard by the heracross’ strength and had been completely outclassed in fighting techniques, and she’d left Vixen and the rest of her team at their picnic site. He thought he’d seen a white light coming that direction, but he hadn’t had time to discover what that was – he certainly wasn’t going to be luring the enraged bug towards them. He figured at least they were all safe. If anything had happened to her sister or her pokémon, Kimiko would surely be taking care of them right now rather than sleeping by his side.

His answers would have to wait, however. He couldn’t move very much anyway with his leg propped up and his arm secured in front of him, despite being highly uncomfortable. On top of that, he didn’t want to risk waking his girlfriend. Between all the excitement behind them and the party coming up, she needed all the sleep she could get.

As it turned out, lying there was all he could do.



Kimiko hesitated as she looked around the selection of dresses in front of her, not really seeing them at all. Her mind was focused elsewhere.

Her boyfriend had had a million questions when he’d woken up that morning, and Kimiko did her best to fill him in with a short version of the story. Their savior turned out to be Costas and his claydol, who knocked the heracross away from Alex after the first attack. They kept it busy until Lillia and Vixen were able to catch up and take it down. Apparently, Costas had captured it afterwards, and had left it with Alex’s possessions.

“He said you should be the one to, uh… ‘decide its fate’,” Kimiko had told him, adding that she couldn’t help but feel somewhat unnerved at Costas’ choice of wording.

Michelle watched over Kimiko’s new hatchling – explaining the white light he saw – while Lillia rounded up all the pokémon, and Costas and Claydol summoned help. Alex himself was simply grateful no one else had been hurt; Costas and Vixen guarded Michelle until the rampaging bug-type was under control. Kilauea would be fine after a solid night’s rest as a pokémon center, though Lillia was sure he’d be broody for a while after losing to a bug-type. Alex’s baby torchic was fine as well, and was currently with said blaziken as he recovered down at the pokémon center.

With Alex needing time to heal, Kimiko was grateful she wouldn’t have to think about a trip through the forest for a while, but it also meant they couldn’t really enjoy their time off together, either. No dinner plans, no going out to a movie… Kimiko had made the mistake of making some offhand comment about being stuck at home for a while until he recovered, but Alex wasn’t fooled.

“And do what?” he’d said. “I’ll be bedridden for at least a couple days most likely. I appreciate the company, but you’ll be bored out of your mind trapped in here all day. I saw the way your eyes lit up when we got invited to that party. Go ahead and go. You know where to find me when you’re back.”

She’d only put up a halfhearted resistance after that. She didn’t want to argue. He had a bad habit of winning those arguments. And he was right, after all. She’d be bored in a hospital room. At least at home she could read or spend time with her sister or something. But she really did want to go, and sitting there watching him sleep wasn’t going to help him heal faster. He wasn’t pushing her away. He wanted her to have a good time for a change, that’s all, and she loved him for that. She wasn’t sure she’d have been able to be so charitable in his position.

And so, after leaving Alex at the hospital in Blossom with his blessing, Kimiko had taken Michelle and rejoined Lillia and Costas, the latter graciously offering to take the girls dress shopping for the evening’s party. His claydol had teleported the three of them to Neutron, where they stopped at the fanciest clothing shop Kimiko had ever seen.

Elec-Chic, founded by supermodel-slash-gym leader Elesa, sold a wide variety of items ranging from dresses and tuxedos, to swimwear, to makeup, to accessories, to stylish personalized pokéballs and other pokémon accessories, most of them of Elesa’s own lines in addition to a select few of her personal favorite brands.

Michelle had no desire to go to a ball herself but the lure of expensive makeup did catch her attention. She excused herself to go looking around on her own, leaving Kimiko, Lillia, Costas, and their pokémon the moment they’d entered the store.

Kimiko cradled her new baby eevee, Olivia, in her arms with the rest of her team safely in her bag, as she stared at the numerous displays. She stroked the eevee’s fur idly, not properly taking in the outfits in front of her with her mind still on her boyfriend.

“I dunno… it doesn’t feel right doing this without Alex,” Kimiko said, a distracted response to… whatever her friend had just asked of her.

“He’ll be fine,” Lillia insisted, her voice from behind a clothing rack pulling Kimiko back to the present. “Your lives don’t have to revolve around each other! He told you himself it was fine for you to have a good time without him! And hey, drinks optional this time, promise! You wanted to go, so let’s go!”

She knew that was true, but it didn’t mean she had to be happy about it. It felt wrong somehow that she had to leave him behind. “I know, but…” Kimiko trailed off.

“Ooh, how about this one!” Lillia interrupted. As usual, she wasn’t about to take ‘no’ for an answer. She held up a strapless, bubblegum pink dress, waving it at her friend. Olivia cooed and pawed in the direction of the cloth, and Kimiko had to pull her closer to keep the eevee from scratching a hole in it.

“It’s not awful, but…”

Not awful?” Lillia exclaimed in exasperation. “You’ve always been a pink girl!”

“Yeah, but… I mean, I’ll be alone there, I don’t…” she felt a blush forming on her cheeks as she attempted to focus on the dress. It honestly was something she might have picked out for herself under different circumstances. “It’s so…”

“You can pull this off!” Lillia insisted. She turned to Costas. He was politely pretending to ignore them but listening intently, the cubone in his grasp obviously asleep. “Right? Look at her, it’s perfect!”

“Lillia, you’re missing my point,” Kimiko said with a sigh.

Costas chuckled, answering without bothering to look up. “I think your friend is concerned over attracting unwanted attention without her boyfriend around.”

Lillia groaned as Kimiko’s hesitation finally made sense. “That’s gonna be a problem with any dress we find here. But you can’t just wear something that doesn’t flatter your figure. You’re too hot.”

Kimiko felt her face heat up.

Oblivious, Lillia folded the pink dress in her arms and turned around, her eyes scanning the displays like a hungry sneasel stalking a pidgey. “I’ll hold on to this one in case we don’t find – oh, here, what about this?” She pulled a deep royal purple dress with a plunging neckline off another mannequin.

With a heavy sigh of resignation, Kimiko decided she’d better focus on the shopping, lest she give up her say in her outfit. Shifting the squirming Olivia in her arms, she frowned at the purple dress. “That… look how low it’s cut!”

“Still covers more than the pink one,” Lillia replied. “Come on, you’ll be fire! And I’ll be there, so just… stop worrying about getting hit on, alright? I’ll punch anyone who gets too close for comfort.”

The thought of Lillia being her bodyguard didn’t really make Kimiko feel any better, though she supposed it was better that she wasn’t going to actually be alone all night. They were both beautiful dresses, too… and really, when was she ever going to get a chance to wear something like that again? Maybe as a birthday present for Alex or something, but otherwise… “Mmm… how much are they?” she asked tentatively.

Before Lillia could inspect the price tags, Costas interrupted. “Don’t you worry about that. You’re both on my tab tonight.”

Kimiko gaped at him. “Wh… Oh, no, I couldn’t–”

“Sure, you can. I wouldn’t have brought you here if the prices were a concern.”

That only confirmed that the dresses were out of Kimiko’s budget. “Oh, really, no, you’ve already gotten us those eggs, and I…”

Please, you’re both my personal guests.” There was that sudden commanding tone again. Kimiko resisted an urge to flinch away. “It’s only fair I make sure you’re sufficiently prepared! I won’t take no for an answer. You simply must choose whatever you desire.”

Well, what was she supposed to say to that? …Was he hitting on her? No, no… he said they were both on his tab, meaning he was also paying for whatever Lillia got. Just how much money did this guy have? “God, that’s… wow. Um, thank you, really…”

“I insist you don’t mention it!” Costas said with a grin and a nod as though the debate was settled. “Now, Ms. Mason, I believe we still need to find a dress for you, too…”



Kimiko left Elec-Chic with more than a sleeping Olivia in her arms. Costas had overloaded her shopping bag with items; not just the one dress, but both the strapless pink and the low-cut purple ones, two pairs of matching high heels (one for whichever dress she chose), a fancy brand-name purse, some perfume called Beautiful Joule, and more makeup than she’d worn in her entire life.

He’d even found a shiny lavender soothe bell and a matching bow for Olivia; evidently, guests were allowed one “cute and small” pokémon companion for the evening. Kimiko hadn’t planned on Olivia being her choice, but Costas insisted it would be a perfect bonding opportunity. Her baby eevee happily accepted both the soothe bell tied around her neck and the bow on her ear, and Kimiko found it difficult to refuse after that.

She still had her reservations about going to this party without her boyfriend, especially after seeing just how much money Costas dropped on both her and Lillia’s purchases, but she was committed at this point. He’d already spent the money. And she did want to go. Maybe she really needed to loosen up a little bit. An extravagant ball was everything she needed; the polar opposite to a haunted forest full of deadly ghosts. She’d end up having a good time with her old friend and her new pokémon, and she’d excitedly tell Alex all about it and how she wished he’d been there, and they’d both laugh at how ridiculous she’d been for resisting for so long.

So why did this still feel like such a bad idea?

Lillia ended up with a deep crimson dress, insisting on something that showed off her tattoo. Kimiko wasn’t sure how well that would go over with the ‘fancy party’ crowd; if their choice of apparel was any indication, the people they were going to be mingling with weren’t likely to see a tattoo as classy. Not that Lillia cared. She insisted on something besides high heels for her footwear, though. Dresses weren’t really her thing either, but she said she’d make do. Heels, however, were another matter. She ended up with a purse and some makeup of her own, too, though less than Kimiko, as some of her portion of Costas’ funds went into accessories for her pokémon team.

Apparently, she was bringing Vixen to the ball, per Costas’ suggestion; she wasn’t a small pokémon by any means, but apparently Lillia didn’t have anything else that fit the “cute and classy” requirement, so he once again claimed his influence would grant her a pass. Apparently ninetales were elegant enough to be welcomed. Vixen had stubbornly refused to put on any accessory Lillia picked out, however.

The trio hunted down Michelle before leaving. She’d been unable to pick between all the makeup options, but their host allowed her to pick out a light, magenta-colored blazer before they headed home. Costas departed after they exited the store and he returned the girls to Blossom, saying he needed to prepare the venue, with a promise that his claydol would arrive to collect them that evening. With time to kill, the girls decided to return to the hospital. Lillia wanted to check on her blaziken, while Kimiko figured she may as well let Alex pick a dress; he'd enjoy that, and she certainly wasn’t sure she’d be able to pick one on her own.



Wherever this ball was taking place, Kimiko had not expected a mansion in the middle of nowhere.

The sun was in the process of setting now, its soft orange glow illuminating the tall, lush green mountains that dominated the surrounding area. Lights in the distance to the west might possibly be a small town, but it was hard to tell this far away, the mansion sitting nearly at the base of the mountains.

Kimiko shivered when they arrived; she hadn’t anticipated the weather being this chilly despite the evening hour, as it was relatively warm in most parts of Vidiva this time of year. She wondered if perhaps the chill was related to the large cave entrance that could be seen off to the east, heading down underneath the mountain. Regardless, she was somewhat grateful Olivia was again in her arms. Alex had – somewhat predictably – favored the pink dress, and it did little to shield against the breeze. Olivia wasn’t very big, but her fur did help a bit. The little eevee was constantly squirming around, although that made her more difficult to keep a hold on.

Neither Lillia nor Vixen appeared bothered by the cold, oddly enough. Usually, the fire trainer was the first one to complain about a slight breeze, but right now her attention was squarely on the mansion. “Wow, would you look at the size of this place! Where do you think we even are?”

“I… don’t know,” Kimiko replied, and it was true. There were mountains near her hometown of Crescent, but they weren’t this green. And while she hadn’t been all the way west yet, she knew the mountains there were more… white and snowy. Given the wind and the chill, she wondered if maybe they weren’t even in Vidiva anymore. They could have been teleported to Unova for all she knew of mansions.

Said mansion was, of course, enormous, but that’s not what drew Kimiko’s attention as she surveyed the area. The most notable feature was the large, gold-plated water fountain in the center of the yard. A large statue of a milotic sat atop a tall pedestal, water spewing upwards out of the creature’s mouth and landing with a splash into the pool below. The fountain sat at the center of some sort of elaborate maze made out of hedges, though most of the bushes were roughly waist level and could easily be seen over. Purely a decoration then, Kimiko realized. Occasionally dotted throughout the maze were taller bushes, trimmed into the shapes of various pokémon.

A large iron gate stood wide open in front of them, welcoming guests and likely anyone else who wandered by. Kimiko couldn’t see any security guards, bouncers, or anything else to keep the uninvited from party crashing. Either Costas didn’t expect many stray people passing between the town and the cave, or he simply didn’t care who walked into his mansion unannounced.

Apparently, the party was in full swing already, the loud classical music drifting down to them from inside the building. Costas’ claydol floated through the gates wordlessly. Lillia and her ninetales followed it eagerly up the slightly inclined paved road towards the source of the muffled voices and music, with Kimiko trailing slightly behind, struggling to keep her friend in sight among all the other invited guests. Walking in heels was not something she’d done often, nor was it something she enjoyed. Lillia made a good call when she opted out of them. Thankfully, the path to the entrance did not take them through the maze, but straight ahead.

Olivia’s ears flattened as they approached and the sound of music and voices grew louder. Kimiko frowned down at her eevee. If she was bothered by the noise, that was going to be a problem… on the other hand, maybe she could use it as an excuse to leave early. She was still feeling anxious, though at this point it had become more annoying than anything. She was here now, and she wasn’t about to turn away at this point.

Lillia, Vixen, and Claydol had already gone inside by the time Kimiko made it to the entrance. She paused, looking upwards at the large building one more time, hesitating at the doorway. She couldn’t explain why, but the thought of going inside stirred a wave of nausea. She turned around to look back at the iron gates. They were still open, and people and their pokémon partners were still funneling in, heading up the path she’d just came from, already fraternizing with other newcomers.

“What’s wrong?” came Lillia’s voice. Startled, Kimiko spun back around on the spot to see her friend back in the doorway looking perplexed. “Not trying to back out, are ya?”

“N-no,” she replied, shoving down the anxiety in her gut. With the fuss she’d already made about being here, Lillia would only tell her she was imagining things, so she shrugged and followed Lillia inside. “Just… admiring the fountain.”

Claydol teleported away with a flash as soon as she reached them. When it didn’t reappear, Kimiko looked around for any sign of it or its trainer, but she saw neither.

What she did see was numerous other people in lavish outfits, most accompanied by a pokémon on their own. Many were engaged in conversation, chatting enthusiastically and nearly spilling their drinks all over each other. Two long tables had attracted a large gathering off to her left. Behind them, she spotted a staircase and what might possibly be the entrance to a hallway. Some kind of stage sat at the far end of the room straight ahead of her, currently empty save for a microphone on a stand. She also located the source of the classical music blasting through the windows – a live orchestra, performing from a different stage on the far-right side of the large room.

The mansion had looked massive from the outside, but it belied the sheer colossal size of the grand entranceway. There didn’t seem to be any other rooms that she could see, just the one gigantic one full of people. Numerous equally extravagant, gothic-style, sparking chandeliers hung from the ceiling directly above them, giving off rather subdued lighting. In fact, the mansion’s interior was far darker than outside, despite the setting sun. The chandeliers and several candles dotted around the room were the only sources of illumination. Still light enough to see by, for the most part, but it was still curious.

Overwhelmed by the whole experience, Kimiko was at a loss as far as how to proceed as she realized that, for some reason, she’d been expecting Costas there to greet them.

Unlikely, she told herself, taking in the large room and its occupants. He’s the host, he’s probably got a thousand other guests to be entertaining. So, then…

“Let’s find the buffet table, I’m starving,” Lillia said, as though reading her mind.

Kimiko followed behind Vixen feeling extremely out of place, any trace of the early afternoon’s excitement gone. There were so many people, and she just wasn’t sure what to do with herself. Olivia had taken to burying her head, trying to block out the sounds. Vixen, meanwhile, appeared calm for the most part, although she kept raising her head and looking sharply in one direction or another, as though she’d heard something that startled her. Between the music and the chatter, that wasn’t improbable.

Food was not difficult to find, as she and Lillia headed towards the two long buffet tables, however Kimiko didn’t recognize the vast majority of dishes. This didn’t stop Lillia, who wasted no time in grabbing a few plates and loading them up with items.

Two gray-haired, elderly women were already there, standing beside them, one with a cane and the other with a walker. They each had a pokémon on their shoulders – a snubbull on one, a glameow with the other – looking for their own food in between their conversation. One of them caught sight of Lillia, attempting to stealthily point and draw her companion’s attention. But both sent barely concealed looks of revulsion at Lillia as they observed her reaching for a fourth plate.

“How… kind of you, to collect food for your friend,” one of them said. Kimiko followed the woman’s gaze to Lillia’s arm – the one with her zombie ho-oh tattoo.

Lillia snapped her head towards the sound. “Huh? No, I’m not her nanny, this is for me,” she replied. “Little bit for my ninetales here, too.”

Kimiko decided that disgust was not a strong enough adjective for the expression the two old ladies made in response.

Lillia, whether indifferent or ignorant to their opinions, returned to her food-collecting when the old women went silent. Kimiko assumed the matter was over, until she overheard the second woman whisper to the other, “Who let these ruffian swinub in here?”

Kimiko frowned and started to reply, “The gate was wide open,” but Lillia spoke over her, her attention snapping back to the women. “Who you calling a ruffian, granny? We were invited!”

The woman with the glameow huffed and stuck up her nose, matching her pokémon’s expression perfectly. “I find it difficult to believe that someone with your… status was invited to this event.”

“And I find it hard to believe you haven’t started to rot!”

“Okay! Okay, I think that’s enough of that!” Kimiko exclaimed as both women gasped in revulsion. Still, she found the expressions of shock and disbelief on their faces was somewhat gratifying as she freed an arm from Olivia, looping it around Lillia instead and steering them both towards the seating tables.

It was difficult to corral her struggling friend with just one arm free, as Lillia seemed determined to start a melee. Vixen, thankfully, also caught her trainer with a few tails around her other arm, helping steer her away from the conversation. Lillia, deciding food was more important, managed to snag two of her plates before she was dragged away, but not without throwing a dirty glare over her shoulder at the old women.

“Who the hell do they think they are? If I see them again, I’m gonna kick their canes out from underneath them!”

“No, you won’t,” Kimiko replied with a roll of her eyes, then set about looking for a table with some empty chairs. “Sit down and eat, alright? Let’s try to enjoy the night, not fight with the rich people.”

“Fine! Fine, alright. You’re right, we’re here to have a good time… look, those tables over there have a bunch of ‘vees! Let’s sit there!”

She was pointing to a couple large round tables not far away, surrounded by several trainers of various ages, each with an eevee or evolution by their side. Reasonable, Kimiko figured. Maybe she could get pointers for taking care of Olivia. But with her lost in thought, Lillia was able to break away from her grasp as they approached and veered off directly towards a young woman with a panting flareon, jumping into conversation effortlessly and leaving Kimiko to manage on her own. So much for being a bodyguard, she groaned internally.

Leaving Lillia to her own devices, she looked around at the other trainers seated nearby. Not far away was a middle-aged man wearing a brown vest and derby hat, aimlessly poking at a salad in front of him while his attention was focused on a tablet beside the bowl. An espeon lay at his feet, half underneath his seat – that got her attention. Next to him, a chair sat unoccupied. As Kimiko headed up to him, Olivia perked up and looked around, perhaps sensing some of her kin. She pawed at the air towards the espeon as they got close, the soothe bell around her neck jingling lightly.

“Is this seat taken?” Kimiko asked.

The man jolted slightly as though surprised and looked up. He stared for a second and looked her over with his cold, blue eyes, finally settling on the eevee in her arms. He then sniffed at the air, taking a deep breath. “It is now,” he said with a gesture towards the chair. “Lovely choice, Elesa’s products are sublime.”

“O-oh, thank you. Your espeon is very pretty,” she said, sitting down and then introducing herself and her partner. She set Olivia on the table to stretch her arms a bit. Her curious eevee started walking towards the stranger’s salad, though, so Kimiko had to block her and pull her closer, setting a plate of her own down for her partner to inspect instead. While Olivia turned her attention towards Kimiko’s food, she began stroking the eevee’s fur. She was strangely reminded of Thorn, and wondered if this was how Alex felt when he used to carry her around, too.

“My name’s Cornelius. That is Edward. And of course he is, he’s mine, after all. No other espeon has as shiny a coat or as bright a jewel,” he said, as though nothing was more obvious. He then made an attempt to appear as though his attention shifted back to his tablet, his head bowed down, but he wasn’t as subtle as he thought when his eyes constantly darted back to her.

Kimiko pulled Olivia a little closer. “Uh… I was wondering, how did you get him to evolve? Olivia is trying to become an espeon, too.” She hadn’t exactly talked with Olivia about it yet, young as she was. But there was no harm in seeking advice. “And I’m looking for all the help I can get.”

“Hm?” Cornelius looked up again from his bowl, then down to his own espeon. Edward was curled around the bottom of his chair. He’d been very tame since they’d arrived; Kimiko would have thought he was asleep if not for his ears perking up when he heard his name. Cornelius returned his gaze to her as he answered. “An evolution from eevee to espeon requires a strong bond and a lot of sunlight. I can refer you to my personal contacts if you’d like,” he said, his tone making it clear he expected her to be impressed. He sat straighter upright, squaring his shoulders. “Newton’s the best in the services with a good price to boot. But be warned that it will not be a fast process.”

“W-well, yes,” Kimiko replied uncertainly. “Time is always a big factor in forming a bond, it’s not often that–” She cut herself off as his words sunk in. “Wait a sec, what do you mean by ‘services’?”

Cornelius regarded her with a confused expression. “An evolution service, of course. I have countless very influential contacts within a number of them, including ones specifically tailored towards bonded evolutions. They’ll spend their time with your pokémon for you until it evolves.”

Kimiko just stared at him, a sinking feeling in her gut. “Why would I want my pokémon to bond with someone else? Why would anyone want that?”

“That is some sort of joke, isn’t it?” Cornelius replied. “Because I am not certain I understand it.” When Kimiko simply tilted her head in confusion, he continued. “Time, dear child, time! It’s not like this species evolve with a sun stone or something easy, or I would have simply purchased one. Espeon requires natural sunlight. More importantly, I don’t have the time to sit around taking care of a child. Who does? I certainly don’t. I’m too busy managing the races. Thanks to the services, all I have to do now is make sure his coat is properly groomed. They do all of the hard work for you.”

Hard work’? Kimiko scowled at him, reminded for some reason of the two old women from earlier. She was unable to keep the bite out of her voice when she responded. “So… what you’re saying is, all you care about is how he looks. Like he’s some sort of… status symbol.”

“Of course not!” he snapped, looking affronted. “Edward is my best friend! Isn’t that right, Edward?” Again, the espeon’s ears perked up at the mention of his name, but quickly fell again and he readjusted the angle his head rested on his paws without looking up.

Cornelius looked back at Kimiko and nodded with a muffled “hmph”, as though that proved his point. She raised a brow at him, frowning. That did not look like the face of a happy pokémon to her, but Cornelius seemed to think there was nothing wrong with their arrangement. Suddenly, the entire atmosphere of the ball had shifted. She was still uneasy, but between the old women earlier and now this, she had an idea as to why.

She locked eyes with him and realized he was sitting there waiting for her to respond. Was he hoping she’d concede and revel in his genius or something? She sighed. She felt like she should have expected a reception like this, but had been hoping otherwise. It was going to be a very long night.

Still, she wasn’t going to drop to Lillia’s level and start a fight over it just yet. “That’s… not exactly what I’m looking for. Thanks anyway.”

She stood, ignoring her plate but scooping up Olivia on the way, who began gnawing on her dress. As she walked away, she heard Cornelius snort, “Yeah, bet you do have enough time to sit around and play, don’t you, honey?”

She stopped short and closed her eyes, fighting the urge to throw something at him. Let it go, she told herself, thinking of the two old women at the buffet. Not worth it. Don’t encourage him.

With a deep sigh, she made her way back towards where Lillia stood with the flareon trainer. She passed by another group of party-goers, each accompanied by a furfrou, their trims all styled differently. Hearing them was difficult with all of them talking over each other but from what she could gather, they seemed to be debating which style looked the best, and no one wanted to relent. Given the experience she just had, and hearing them arguing over looks did not improve her mood.

But as she passed the furfrou crowd and approached her friend, she could make out the sounds of what sounded like a similar argument.

“…telling you, lopunny really is the best parent for a superior offspring!”

“No, it’s not!” Lillia insisted with a stomp of her foot, causing both Vixen and the flareon to flinch. “Not for a battler! Houndoom provides more powerful fire!”

The young woman audibly gasped, affronted. “A houndoom! I would not have my dear flareon mate with something so brutish! Only a lopunny can produce offspring this fluffy!”

“And that’s exactly what you don’t want! Flareon fluff out their fur to cool down! With more fluff, they’re more prone to overheating!”

“Yes, and the more fur it has, the more heat is expelled, and the easier it is to cool down!”

Lillia crossed her arms. “What?? That’s not how it works at all! The fur traps heat! That’s why it has to fluff up to release it! Honestly, do you know anything about your own pokémon?”

The blonde woman glared in Kimiko’s direction as she stepped up beside Lillia, her eyes traveling down to Olivia and her lavender bow. “You! Certainly, you look like a woman of class and elegance. Surely you agree that a lopunny is the superior parent for a properly fluffy eevee offspring!”

“Oh, um…” Kimiko responded, blinking in confusion. “I… I don’t really know. Olivia was a gift.”

“Is that so?” the blonde said, scrutinizing Olivia. “She looks professionally bred. The parent surely must be quite well raised!”

“Yes, my flareon is,” Lillia injected loudly, wide, smug grin on her face.

The blonde woman’s shocked expression was back again. “Your flareon? Your…?”

“Damn right,” Lillia responded. She didn’t wait for a counter argument, looping her arm around Kimiko’s and dragging her away.

“…What was that?” Kimiko asked, struggling in her high heels to keep up with her friend’s speed.

“Nothing,” Lillia said. “These people are crazy, that’s all. They all see their pokémon more like fashion accessories than partners.”

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Kimiko replied, casting a glance back towards Cornelius and Edward. “Maybe we should go. I don’t think we really belong here.”

“Nah,” Lillia said, nodding her head towards the stage at the far end of the room. Kimiko followed her gaze and noticed for the first time that the orchestra had stopped and someone had taken the stage, but she couldn’t tell who it was. The dim candles only lit the front half. Something seemed to be floating alongside the figure, but all she could see were small red circles of light. “Let’s wait it out a little longer. I think something’s about to happen.”

Illuminated by the candlelight on the stage, Costas stepped forward, wearing a nice-looking black suit. His claydol floating by his side, he collected the microphone from the stand, and adjusted his glasses as he started to speak. “Welcome, welcome one and all! I hope everyone’s had a chance to get some food and do some dancing, because I’ve got something special planned for you all tonight, for being such lovely guests! And let me tell you, it is going to be a long night!”

He paused while the crowed chuckled at some joke that went over Kimiko’s head.

Costas raised his arms outward and over his head, beginning to step backwards into the shadows once more. “So now, prepare yourselves! Without further delay, I shall relinquish the floor. I hope you’re all ready, because…” He made a bow while he retreated, as his form vanished completely into the shadows cast by the candlelight.

“The show is about to begin!”

Mere seconds after Costas finished speaking, all power in the building went out. The ballroom was plunged into darkness, only dimly lit by the floating candles scattered throughout. Kimiko looked up to see even the ones in the chandeliers all darkened. They’d looked like real fire to her earlier…

Several guests screamed in shock and surprise until their eyes adjusted to the remaining pale candlelight. Kimiko rolled her eyes. While she understood the surprise, she never felt the need to scream when lights went out unexpectedly. Maybe that was in part due to how often it happened at a concert or something, but still. She’d already been irritated with the rich guests, and now their shouts grated on her nerves. Good opportunity to practice your control, she told herself. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths.

But after several seconds passed and the light refused to come back on, she felt Lillia press closer to her. That made her begin to feel uneasy again, drowning out the anger that had crept in over the evening. And while the startled screaming had died down, the unsettled murmuring of the crowd it was replaced by wasn’t helping, either.

A light jingling signaled Olivia shifting in her arms, sensing the change in atmosphere. At her feet, she could just make out Vixen, tails curled protectively around her trainer.

Kimiko leaned in towards Lillia. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” she said quietly.

In response, she felt her friend reach around and grab her hand. “Vixen’s been jittery all night,” she noted; Kimiko remembered seeing her looking around sharply when they first arrived. She hadn’t noticed it after that, but her attention had been occupied. “It’s probably nothing. Whatever was supposed to happen probably just blew a fuse. But just in case… stay close to me.”

“Can Vixen give us a little light?”

The fire-type snorted at the suggestion, while Lillia replied, “She could spit out some fire, but then do what with it? It’s not like she has an open flame like a magmar or charizard, so unless you wanna burn the building down… which I’m not entirely against, mind you. But also, shooting fire inside a building full of scared, jumpy, rich snobs is probably not a great idea.”

Somehow it seemed that no one else at the event had any pokémon that could act as a light source, either. Kimiko felt Olivia start trembling, so once again she stroked the eevee softly. Little time had passed, but it sure felt like it was taking a while to get the lights back on. The rest of the gathered seemed to agree; their restless murmurs were picking up in volume.

A sudden thought crossed her mind, causing Kimiko to look back towards the stage. He’d had a microphone, but Costas hadn’t said a word since the lights went out. No assurances that everything was okay, no yelling at someone to figure out what had happened. This was his party. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Or doing anything?

The dim candlelight didn’t reach the area he’d last been standing in, so she couldn’t see whether or not he was still there. She couldn’t even make out a silhouette. Her eyes had adjusted as much as they were going to by now.

“Can you see Costas?” she asked Lillia instead.

“Hm?” There was a pause in which she assumed Lillia was looking around before she answered, “No, it’s too dark over there. Don’t see the claydol, either.”

Right, the claydol. The psychic-type’s red eyes had been visible in the dark earlier… but now they were gone. The sinking feeling in her gut only grew worse. Why wasn’t he at least making it sound like he was trying to figure things out?

“Maybe we should go.” Without waiting for an answer, Kimiko began turning towards where she thought the exit was, pulling her friend along. Lillia pulled back with a tight grip on Kimiko’s hand, staying rooted in her spot.

“It was a struggle to even get you here!” she cried. “And now you wanna leave? Give him some time!”

Kimiko spun around to glare at the silhouette of her friend. “You just said you agreed with me! We don’t really fit in with these pompous snobs anyway. It’s been too long, and Costas hasn’t said a word. This isn’t part of whatever was planned. Something’s wrong.”

Lillia refused to budge. “Relax! You’re just paranoid because of the dusknoir incident.”

Kimiko started to retaliate, but froze as Lillia’s retort sunk in. Was she overreacting? Sure, the lights hadn’t come back on yet, but… there could be a dozen reasons why that could be. Right?

But then Vixen whined softly and barked up at her trainer. Lillia’s attitude changed immediately.

“Okay, maybe there is something in the air. Alright then, let’s go.”

They didn’t make it halfway to the doors before a chorus of eerie wails split the air, silencing the crowd for a moment. Then the screaming began for real. The sound only worsened Kimiko’s nervousness.

“I know those wails,” she cried, spinning around back towards the center of the room, though she couldn’t see anything. “Ghosts.”

She looked upwards. Where the sun had been visible earlier as it set in the evening sky, ghosts poured into the room through the tall windows silhouetted by the moon, not even bothering with invisibility. Even in the dark, she could make out their motion near the ceiling as they zoomed around.

“Why?” Lillia asked. “What are they doing here of all places?” She didn’t sound worried at all, rather like… perplexed, as though the answer would come to her if she thought hard enough.

She didn’t wait for an answer before finally directing Vixen to unleash some fire, as the ghosts began to get too close for comfort. A fresh wave of screams erupted nearby as the flamethrower roared upwards, scorching several ghosts along the way. The temporary light didn’t last long enough to count all the attacking ghosts, with more still coming, but it did draw the attention of anyone in the crowd who hadn’t yet seen them.

Now can we leave?” Kimiko demanded, pulling Lillia back towards the doors again. This time, Lillia didn’t resist, spinning around and following, her ninetales on her heels.

The door wasn’t hard to find, even in the dark, thanks to the faint moonlight creeping in through the windows along it. It seemed several other party-goers had the same idea; many crowded around the exit, but none seemed to be leaving.

Kimiko pushed her way to the front of the gathering, dragging Lillia along behind her, and ignoring the shouts cries of people complaining about their heels breaking or their suits getting rumpled. “We don’t have time for this!” she shouted as she forced her way through. But when she got to the door, she discovered why no one had left yet.

An energy barrier flared to life in front of the door as she walked into it, throwing her harshly backwards into the crowd. Her arms tightened around the eevee in her arms, her only thought being to not drop her as she fell. Someone caught her and helped her stay on her feet, but the buzzing in her head made her dizzy.

“Vixen, burn it!” Somewhere to her left, a jet of fire erupted forwards and crackled against the energy barrier, which shimmered as it absorbed the attack.

“It’s probably ghost energy,” Kimiko sputtered. Colliding with the energy barrier left her head spinning.

“Vixen, switch it up!”

At her command, the stream of fire stopped and the ninetales instead started charging and launching purple energy balls at the barrier. But upon contact, it shimmered and sizzled just the same.

Motion in her arms caused Kimiko to look down, seeing the form of her eevee squirming there. Kimiko again started to stroke her fur.

“Shh, I know, I know,” she said, the noise around her making it difficult to speak softly. “It’s scary, but you’ll be okay, promise. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Olivia’s ears perked up at the sound of her voice, but the squirming continued. As Vixen continued to pummel the energy shield with shadow balls, Olivia’s movement slowed, watching the ninetales. Seconds later, a small orb of energy formed in front of the eevee as well, and with a cry, it was launched into the barrier.

Kimiko didn’t have time to be surprised, as Lillia spun around and put a hand on her shoulder. “We’re not breaking through this. Looks almost like those barriers used to protect the crowds during league battles. If these are anywhere near that powerful, it doesn’t look like we’re getting out this way. We’re gonna have to fight our way through and find another way out.”

As Vixen roasted an approaching misdreavus, Kimiko rounded on her friend. “With what? We were only allowed one, all I’ve got is Olivia! I left my team with Alex! We’re not going to be able to fight a swarm of ghosts with just one ninetales. Hell, even if everyone here fights back, we’re outnumbered!”

For one fleeting moment, Kimiko had the thought of, what if that was intentional? What if he knew this was coming, and that’s why he limited guests to one pokémon? But that didn’t make sense… these rich people weren’t pokémon trainers, not in the battling sense, anyway. Not in the way Lillia, or even she herself, was. They weren’t a threat. Besides, the ghosts hadn’t shown any inclination towards wanting to work with humans before.

“I doubt anyone in this room besides you and I are capable trainers, anyway,” Lillia replied, evidently having the same thought. There was a beat where she paused, looking around, before she spoke again. “We just gotta find whichever ghost is responsible for this barrier and take it down.”

“If they’re smart, they’re not in this room while they’re doing it,” Kimiko countered. “Assuming it is actually a ghost maintaining it and not a machine.” Was that how the league barriers worked? Maintained by a pokémon? Kimiko was sure they operated mechanically somehow, but… she shook her head, chastising herself. This isn’t the time.

“If you have a better idea, I’m open to suggestions.”

“Let’s get away from the walls for starters,” Kimiko said, moving back towards the center of the room. “Last thing we need is ghosts sneaking in behind us. At least they’ll be forced to go invisible to try it.”

The ghosts had begun to swoop down into the crowd. Some launched their own attacks, others disappeared entirely into the darkness.

“I don’t like that thought at all,” Lillia said. “Vixen, I need a ring of fire, now!”

Several of the nearby guests screamed as Vixen’s fire spin surrounded their group. It rose high into the air, and immediately Kimiko began to sweat. But she decided a little heat was worth it to keep any ghosts from sneaking up on them; unless they were part fire-type themselves, they’d still feel the fire energy if they tried to pass through the attack while invisible.

Lillia began directing Vixen to attack specific ghosts as they learned to fly over the flames and into the ring, while the ninetales struggled to keep them all at bay. Olivia had begun flinging shadow balls at their attackers too, although Kimiko couldn’t be sure if any of them were making contact. Even if they were, Olivia lacked the battle experience and the sheer firepower of Vixen. Occasionally there was a glimpse of another attack in the distance, but the ghosts seemed to recognize that Vixen was the only one truly fighting back.

“We could use a little help here!” Lillia bellowed, her voice easily carrying over the flames and the voices of the screaming crowd. “Y’all have pokémon, use ‘em!”

A nearby persian hurled a power gem into an incoming lampent without a command from his trainer, and then a few of the other guests seemed to get the message. Fire and lightning and psychic blasts began to hurl upwards out of the darkness and into the ghost swarm.

“You’re right,” Kimiko noted, “none of them seem to be as strong as Vixen.” Only the ninetales was having any success keeping ghosts away from her trainer. Several other pokémon were making attempts now, but their attacks packed less punch. She began to wonder if that was why the ghosts had targeted this event in the first place. “These rich snobs aren’t trainers. We’re not gonna win this battle.”

As if to emphasize her point, a torrential hydro pump tore through the fire spin barrier, slammed Vixen to the ground, then tossed her into a table. She tried to stand again, launching another flamethrower at the frillish that attacked her, but was cut off by several shadow balls.

“Vixen!” Lillia cried out. The ninetales didn’t move, and Lillia recalled her with a scowl. “Welp, time to run blindly through the crowd and hope to slip under the radar.”

With no better ideas in mind, Kimiko nodded in reply. With Vixen injured and her fire extinguished, they were defenseless. Stumbling upon another exit was their only hope now.

But as Lillia started to run, Kimiko felt a chill in the air behind her, rooting her to the spot. She shivered as the cold permeated her, her entire body going numb in seconds. Her movements were sluggish, and she saw rather than felt Olivia leap from her arms. But she never saw the eevee land, as her vision had begun to blur.

She tried to call out, to get Lillia to stop and come back, but her mouth wouldn’t move. She only felt a flare of true panic for a moment before her vision fully blurred and faded to black.
 
Partners
  1. suikaibuki
Well I was going to review this as soon as you posted it. I had the tab up and everything. Was just sitting there. But, stuff happened. I suppose there's no better time than the present, however.

- I was going to make a joke about how this guy has developed a sense for danger. But then I thought to myself, and if he hadn't developed one by now with all the stuff he'd gone through, I would be very concerned.
- Speaking from experience, when my mother was in the hospital, my father was allowed to sleep overnight with her. I don't think he used her as a pillow, however. Heh.
- Come to think of it, this whole thing is basically just a diabolus ex machina. Also I am dictating this to my phone as I read so I don't have to write, and I am surprised it picked that term up perfect.
- And thinking further of it, it's unusual it's wild Pokemon was that skilled. I strongly suspect it was another trained Pokemon allowed to wander. Lawsuit worthy I wonder if so?
- Oh, I suppose it really was a wild one. Now I have even further questions. But, this should be fun to see play out.
- Separation anxiety much? It's kind of cute.
- Okay, that cut to her with a bazillion things was funny.
- Small and cute companion? No love for the uglies I see. What do they even define cute as? There are many different perceptions of cute after all.
- Well this is a certainly strange way to make it to a party. With all this in mind, and without crapsack the world is, there it's a lot of potential for abuse of teleporting in this fashion.
- Well somebody's a hungry glutton. Watch it doesn't go to your ass or something!
- Putting a price on building a bond? I mean yes, product of time and money and all that, but the way he is putting it seems a little disingenuous.
- Kimiko agrees. Good girl.
- Well I mean it evolves to Espeon with Sun Dust or whatever it is from XD. Sun Shard now that I look it up proper. I'm surprised he didn't shell out the bucks for that even if it's insanely rare.
- Interesting talk about biological science there with breeding.
- Huh, and I was just making a joke about the whole teleporty kidnap thing. But it seems it's real after all!
- And here's those ghosts again. This is a bit weirdo out of nowhere. But probably has an explanation. Interesting thought with the small and cute thing if it's a setup, but then what's even their motivation beyond chaos and murder?
- Oh sure, these random ghosts seem to be able to pull out superpowered attacks and yet daycare did nothing for the rich people and their Pokemon.

No rest for the weary, I suppose. Well, the tagline mentions a cult. Maybe this dude is a cultist or something, right back into the brink. We'll see how it turns out next time.
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
SERENNNNN back again for more of my incessant ramblings!! I got you here on 5 and 6, am hoping to get to chapter 10 this week! I would do more rn but am very sleepy.

Alright so 5 starts immediately after we ran into those two ghost weirdos with Mr. Serial Killer Diamond. I really appreciate Alex's wariness about the situation, and while I do also appreciate Kimiko's attempt at kind of helping him rationalize (cuz lord knows every good head case needs an anchor), part of me expected to see her be a little more on edge about the encounter. However, I also have the meta knowledge that she's scared of ghosts because of what happens to her down the line so I'm trying not to confuse this early chapter Kimiko with what is presumably late chapter Kimiko. But, even so, she was the one trying to talk Alex down from going into the woods, so I expected a little more wariness. I guess you DID mention that she thought it was strange, but she tries to rationalize anyway. I guess the best way to have the best of both worlds, narrative wise, would be to show a little more dialogue of her being wary. Like an "I know, I thought it was weird, but X."

Also the little cuddly moment in 5 was just so wholesome. I know nothing major really happened there, they were just cuddling, but the vibe was so cozy. You did so well in capturing just the overall cozy feeling of their relationship, and how Alex cares about Kimiko so much from just his movements with her. How he brushes her face and plays with her hair and just UGH I FUCKING LOVE THEM SO MUCH. They're so good together it makes me so SQUEEEEE.

Also, Lillia introduction!!! I vaguely remember you talking about her previously, so I was excited to see her come up! Wow, I did NOT realize the girl had been traveling for like a solid 10 years before them (did I read that right? Wasn't sure if I read that right. Either way I get the vibe it was a long time). The bitch has a whole fucking team and is even participating in bigger battles now! I actually really like how her general expertise is explored through their conversation, and it happens so naturally. Like, it didn't feel forced; they were just three friends talking. Lillia is very ADHD-coded and I love that for her so much, and I love how she was so ready to squad up with them despite being literal years ahead. I also like how Alex had to be the one to talk her back down to size and make her realize she kinda got gud already and they're still gitting gud. But it was sweet she still offered to hang with them and help them train.

Another thing, I also liked how naturally it came up that the Pokemon that Alex and Kimiko are using really aren't the "beginner trainer" 'mon. Like, Hoenn was def my least played region but I certainly didn't start out on that first route and round up a fucking Sableye or Staryu. I know I already said this but I loved just how natural that conversation was and how it kinda set the stage for some things, like Lillia and how Pokemon catching kinda goes in this world. Just really casual worldbuilding that's really good for my slow-reading short attention span self!

I did enjoy reading about Lillia's fight! I did admittedly question the significance of it, but I have a strong feeling Lillia is going to be a pretty prominent character so it makes sense that we got a little in-depth review of how she battles, and this felt like a great way to introduce a character that's close to the main duo but who happens to be at higher level. I think I preferred this route over say, them coming upon her and her just curbstomping them (which, judging by the way the conversation ended, is probably coming ANYWAY but it's fine now because she's been established as a 6-mon Boss Bitch). Also WOW MONOTYPE WORLDBUILDING I REALLY LIKED!!!!! I'm a sucker for "monotype means all 6 have to have that type" but I actually really dug the idea that just half the team utilizing a specific type counts as monotype. Somehow that feels a little more practical and I'm definitely taking notes here.

I also liked how watching Lillia fight kinda lit a fire under Kimiko's ass to in turn try and light a fire under Alex's ass. I know the whole issue at hand was Alex being worried about bringing two water-types to a grass battle but I loved that another point of watching Lillia's fight kinda helped them realize that even WITH type disadvantages, you shouldn't count yourself out yet. There are things to be done to make it work, and make it work Alex did!

Ngl I thought he was gonna lose about half way through the fight. But as soon as he realized he'd knocked two 'mon out, I also realized that. Which was a big sigh of relief; I didn't want all that previous ass-fire-lighting to be for nothing 😂 I loved the concept of a Staryu with that specific ability being able to return to its ball and shake off status ailments, I thought that was really neat and a nice deviation from game mechanics and into something a little more realistic. Also, Diamond is such a SHMUCK. I almost would have liked to have seen Alex get a little annoyed at him during the battle, but also, Alex is just a Walking Vibe so I totally pictured him going "No that's night slash" with a completely straight and unbothered face. It seems in character. Which is why I DO want to see him bothered.

Oh I knew I was forgetting something ARIEL AS A NAME FOR A FUTURE GOREBYSS IS SO GALAXY BRAINED. NICKNAME MASTER.

Anyway that caps my thoughts for now! Gonna try to bang out 7-10 before this blitz week ends!!! See you around bestie <3
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
A quick and dirty for chapter 7! I was really slow reading this week, but I wanted to bust out another review for this before blitz end. MAYBE I'll manage to scrape out reviews for 8-10 but we shall see how I do today LOL.

Okay, so more Deimos and Phobos!! I know the last time I saw both of them I was pretty certain they were ghostly serial killers and now I'm.........a little less certain of that. I actually didn't realize at the beginning that that was them talking to each other until Emily called Kirsten and told her that they were waiting for her, THAT'S when it clicked. I have to say, I really loved the imagery in that scene!! I love the concept that the ghost gym leaders use lampent and litwick to light their meeting room while they talk like cult leaders. But now that I've gone back and re-read the scene, yeah, I think they're talking about getting Kirsten involved to help them with this whole ghost issue, not to like.....kidnap her into this ghost cult shit happening LOL. So I feel more sure that maybe I jumped a gun on them.

And also, Kirsten!! Our region champ!! Of fucking course she lives in a big ol' mansion on an island. I was worried for a second that her venomoth or something had been caught up in the ghost bullshit and was missing, but no, I think she's just tired of all the things that come with being a champion. I liked the small little peeks into what her day-to-day might look like (i.e. the League telling her she has a meet-and-greet and not getting ANY additional info on that, peek celebrity bullshit). Though, I am VERY curious as to why psychic types make her so nervous. I thought we were going to get a little more into that (actually, I thought her visit to Xioria was gonna end up being some sort of bait from the cult to capture her LOL can you tell I play mafia?) and while this chapter didn't, I do hope that's touched on soon. I have a feeling Kirsten is going to be ANOTHER bigger character we're gonna see, so I'm holding my breath for some more insight on her.

While I really did enjoy what this chapter provided as a whole, there were a three specific areas where I struggled with it a little. The first was the small cut to Kimiko and Alex in the Blossom restaurant--this might be me looking for a tie-in reason for everything, but I didn't quite understand the significance of them being in this restaurant and them getting yelled at by the Alakazam chef. To put it more specifically, I get the feeling it was meant to be a comedic moment, but the buildup to it kinda caused it to miss for me, if that makes any sense at all. Like, it kinda just happened and I didn't really understand why. Like, maybe if there was some exposition about Alex and Kimiko fighting over where to eat and pulling up to this place and Kimiko being like "no this looks sus" and Alex being like "no babe its fine" and then having an altercation with the kitchen exploding and getting screamed at by the Alakazam, THEN it might hit better. But for what this chapter feels like it's trying to do, it felt almost out of place.

The scene with Phobos and Deimos meeting the Elite 4 was another one that I had to chew on, and it was more because it felt like a massive info dump. A lot of showing and not telling, and the character introductions focused heavily on appearances which made them read a little rocky to me. For example, referring to the unnamed leaders by their hair and eye color, or going into explicit detail about what exactly they're wearing can start to bog down a scene and throw off the flow. I had this EXACT same issue in my writing because I know the feeling of wanting to set the appearance for every character that shows up, but you have to learn to strike a balance between giving a general idea of what they look like and feeding things in increments. And some of what you've already written is actually fine, but describing everyone in such a similar way in such a small bit of exposition space is what contributes to disrupting the flow. So, to take an actual example from the chapter...

“What disappearances?” asked the long, lavender-haired girl in a long-sleeved shirt that could only be described as tie-dye.

“Don’t you watch the news, Blair?” Emily replied, pinching her nose, causing her glasses to slide down a little. She righted them and brushed her brown hair out of her blue eyes.

“No, ew,” Blair replied. “The news is boring.”

“Says the girl with a shirt that looks like a rainbow vomited on it and called it fashionable,” Emily said with a smirk and an eye roll. Devin giggled quietly as well though he quickly blushed and turned it into a cough.

“You’re one to talk,” Blair shot back, insulted. “You’re wearing next to nothing!” She waved her hand over Emily’s sleeveless, form-fitting lime green top that exposed her stomach and her short, dark green skirt.
So a couple things with this one. You'd already referred to Blair as "lavender haired girl" so doubling down on that part of her while adding what her shirt is reads clunky and repetitive. And when describing Emily, the added part of her "brushing her brown hair out of her blue eyes" sort of feels like a forced description here when you've already described someone else by their eye color (I really hope this is making sense LOL).

Then when we get to the banter, Emily insulting Blair's shirt and vice versa also adds to the clunkiness. The solution here is to combine and condense this all together to get a couple lines of that banter and the appearances across. So this passage could turn into something like:
--
"What disappearances?" asked the childlike girl.

"Don't you watch the news, Blair?" Emily replied, her piercing eyes settling accusingly on her cohort.

"No, ew," Blair replied. "The news is boring."

"Right, I wouldn't imagine anyone who wears shirts like that being able to sit through the news," Emily said, gesturing to Blair's messily tie-dyed top. She must have done it herself.

"You're the one to talk," Blair shot back, insulted. "You're wearing next to nothing!" She waved her hand over the green, body-hugging strips of fabric Emily called a coherent outfit.
--


Again, I hope that makes sense. Aside from that, there was also a part where one of the E4 members goes on a long internal monologue about the Nick Sayre incident, and while I DID enjoy that information, that was a golden opportunity to present that through dialogue. Instead of 3 paragraphs of wordless explanation, give us this information through them discussing it. Have them bring up "The Champion's Tragedy" and talk about the rough death count and the lasting repercussions. Present it naturally through them talking instead of through an info heavy internal monologue.

Then the final part I was a little iffy on was Kirsten meeting Kimiko and Alex. To me, after what just happened to her, she felt a little.....too calm about it. Like, I know she's the champion and all, but from my understanding so far, the ghosts acting up is a new thing, and they've never dealt with this before, which leads me to believe Kirsten has never been possessed or relentlessly attacked by gengar and friends before. The way she described her plight in an almost play by play recollection felt just a bit too relaxed for me. I totally get if she's just a more relaxed person, but even so, I was looking for some more "oh my fucking god i can't believe this just happened to me."

I'm sorry if this did get a little critical, but I still really enjoyed the chapter! The stakes have gotten higher now that Miss Kirsten and the e4 are involved now, and I'm really stoked to see how all of this blows up in EVERYONE'S faces!!!
 
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