Pokémon Soul Dissonance: A PMD Story

[Adamhuarts]

Table of Contents

Spoiler

Prologue: The Fleeting Soul
Chapter 1: Marni

Prologue: The Fleeting Soul

What did it mean to have a soul? Is it being alive? No, that couldn’t be it. Plants lived, but they clearly lacked souls. Was it then the ability to move? That couldn’t be it either. Many things moved, but among them were the inanimate. Was it then the ability to feel? Those questions swirled in the abyss of the creature’s consciousness, but the answers laid beyond its understanding.

The creature had begun as but a dark smoky clump. One could not hear any sounds from it, but its body wisped back and forth even in the absence of wind. However, its consciousness had manifested over time. It grew dark smoky tendrils, latching onto its environment in the comfort of a tree’s shadow.

Though the creature had acquired the ability to move, it still could not feel. Surely, one must feel to have a soul. Could one truly say it was alive? Something felt missing, but what?

Days went by since then, perhaps even decades. Unlike everything around the formless entity, time had no effect on it, and its vague curiosity never encouraged it out of the comfort of the tree’s shade it resided beneath. Things would’ve remained that way indefinitely, but then came a day when another creature paid it an unexpected visit.

Right at the edge of its abode was a young Rattata that came to forage for food, leaves crunching under its paws while it sniffed around the tree trunk for fallen seeds. The amorphous entity was quick to feel the alien presence, but it didn’t act immediately. It chose to remain still and listen.

A strange tune pulsed from the Rattata’s core. It lacked rhythm, almost like white noise that looped on end. What was the sound? Why was the Rattata making it? Though the rodent made a variety of other sounds like when it scurried around the dirt or when it squeaked, the core’s melody was distinct, if one could even describe its monotony as such.

The rodent frowned, rubbing dust and leaf bits off its whiskers. Its search for seeds had proven fruitless, so, it turned around to go search elsewhere. The entity sensed the Rattata leaving, and it trembled. It didn’t want that. It wanted to listen to its tune more. The rodent should not leave yet!

With a tendril, it reached for the Rattata. Alerted, the rodent squeaked. The frightened Rattata leapt and dashed away, but the entity managed to touch its shadow and was dragged along with it, much to both of their confusion.

The Rattata continued to shriek as it tried to shake off the unexplainable existence that was somehow following it wherever it went. It thrashed about, darting through narrow gaps, and even going through thick underbrushes, but it still couldn’t get it off its tail. It screeched between raspy breaths, unable to find a chance to stop to take a break, not with something that disturbing behind it!

Along the chase, the entity’s body sunk deeper into the rodent’s shadow until every last trace of it had gone below the surface. The Rattata hadn’t noticed at first, and relentlessly continued to zip across the forest floor. Soon it turned around. Its heart drummed in its chest as it looked back and forth, unable to find any traces of its pursuer. It heaved a relieved sigh that its life was no longer in danger. The sun was setting soon. The Rattata looked on ahead, and scurried off to find a place to rest for the night.

Time marched on while the entity lived undetected in the rodent’s shadow. Everything was like a murky swamp beneath the shadow’s surface, and from there it watched over the Rattata that had become its unwilling companion.

In the years it had remained hidden, it learned so many new things. The entity had learned that there could be multiple creatures of the same kind, as well as the fact that living beings needed energy to survive, acquiring their sustenance in various ways. It had also learned and witnessed how one life could lead to the creation of another. The only thing that had disappointed it was that all the creatures it had met so far had the same dull noise in their cores. They were empty, yet somehow full of life at the same time. That gave the entity enough satisfaction.

Time drifted by, and the once young Rattata came to evolve. As a Raticate, it led a group of Rattatas after overthrowing their previous leader in a bloody battle. Through their activities, the entity understood how the rodent species protected themselves against their predators. Indeed, there was strength in numbers.

More years passed still, and the tune in the Raticate’s core grew faint. It wasn’t the first time the entity had seen something like that happen. The melodies that came from other creatures always grew weaker over time, and eventually they all became silent. Still, the entity remained in its companion’s shadow. The time to leave had not yet come, and there was still more that could be learned.

However, the Raticate’s remaining time didn’t last for much longer. Just as it had in the past ousted another Raticate to gain control of the swarm, it too was eventually challenged by a younger and more vigorous Raticate. The entity listened in silence as always, while the younger Rattata formed a circle around the two duelists as their instincts instructed them.

In spite of the older Raticate’s greater survival experience, it stood no chance against the youthful Raticate. The battle ended in the blink of an eye. All the junior had to do was run up to its elder and bite down on its throat. The older Raticate flailed and scratched at the younger one, but it was futile. The entity listened as the old Raticate’s core played its final melody, and then silence.

In the joust’s aftermath, the swarm of Rattata left their former elder behind, following their new leader into the forest. The entity knew the cycle would one day begin anew. Survival of the fittest, that was how things were done in the wild. Still, the entity did not know what to think of the situation. Its companion had passed on and there wasn’t anything left to learn from them. The time had come for it to move on. For the first time in years, the entity decided to emerge from the Raticate’s shadow.

Just as time had changed the Raticate it accompanied, the entity too had undergone a transformation. It had come to resemble a dark gray blob with a short wispy horn on its head that swayed back and forth. The entity held up its new stubby arms, the sense of touch coursing through its skin for the first time. None of that quite surprised it as much as when it discovered it had manifested eyes as well.

The power to perceive its environment with more than just sound made it shudder, but it took only a bit of time for it to grow accustomed to it. It stood still for what felt like hours, its orange eyes glistening as it watched the sky. Soon sunset came and night loomed over it. Instinct drove the being to seek shelter.

Before it left, it glanced back at the Raticate’s carcass. The entity leaned towards it with lowered eyes, rubbing its hand over its rough, worn-down fur. The entity remained like that for a while, then reluctantly bid the Pokémon farewell. It got up and trotted deeper into the forest, wondering what awaited it there. There was still a lot out there it could learn in the world, and that alone motivated it.

***B***
​

Life went on for the entity, and its body continued to change over the years. No longer was it a stubby limbed blob; it had come to develop a bipedal figure with defined appendages. In addition to its previous wispy outgrowth, two more curled horns had emerged from its head, acting as ears to enhance its hearing. At first glance the entity looked like it donned a helmet, but its head had only come to look that way after it possessed the shadow of a Falinks some years ago.

In the present day, the entity was resting against the wall of its narrow cave, the whistling of wind being its only companion. A shaft of sunlight lit the cave entrance until it shone onto the entity’s face, spurring it awake. The entity covered its eyes and groaned. Having realized it was daybreak, it stood up to stretch and yawned.

At the entrance awaited the same scenery it saw every day. Mountain ranges stretched far and wide in the valleys, dyed in the lush green of vegetation. Those valleys acted as the entity’s cage, and never once did it think to leave it, or that anything awaited it beyond. Finding no reason to remain standing in place, it ran forward and leapt down, landing with a thud on the ground.

Its stomach growled, reminding the entity to seek nourishment. Of all the attributes it had manifested, hunger was its least favorite. It dashed off into the woods, weaving through the forest floor with ease as it’d mastered the terrain thoroughly. There were some plants that bore fruit not far away, but the entity knew it might have to compete with other creatures to get them. In any case, it would either get there first or have to eat the competition itself. That was usually how things went down.

After a while, the entity came across a river just below a waterfall. It could not see its reflection when it stood by the riverbank, and the water raged on and battered the rocks that dwelled within it. The entity decided to go downstream as there was a fallen tree that acted as a bridge to the other side there. Naturally, it had been the one who deliberately pummeled the tree until it fell there.

On the way, it felt someone’s presence. Its body came to a halt as it gazed at the creature. It was a purplish feline donning a crimson cloak, lying motionless on the ground. The entity raised its hand to its chin, wondering what had brought the Pokemon there, and whether it was still alive.

As it contemplated its course of action, its horns picked up the Pokemon’s melody. Upon hearing it, the entity froze and its eyes widened. In an instant, it rushed over to the unconscious feline. It could still hear the Pokemon’s faint heartbeats, confirming that it was still alive and breathing. There weren’t any serious injuries, but there were bruises all over its body as well as some swellings.

Up close, the entity could hear the song playing from the feline’s core. It was completely different from the melodies it had heard before. It lacked the monotony it had grown accustomed to hearing from the wild creatures. There was a somber yet uplifting rhythm to it. The entity felt a warmth building up in its chest. The song sounded strangely familiar. It could’ve stayed there just listening to the tune forever, but then it noticed that the melody was getting weaker.

Its eyes opened wide and it shook its head to regain its focus. Gently, the entity cradled the Pokemon into its arms. The nectar from some oran berries would likely suffice in healing the feline’s wounds. No one had instructed it, but it knew that the feline was a Pokemon it had to save.

 

[kyeugh]

hey, you finally posted it! nice. i've already gone over some nitpicky stuff with you on this, so i'm gonna keep this review down to the broader strokes.

overall, this is an interesting fic. as someone who never really got into sun/moon and hasn't watched the anime or read the manga, i'm actually not really that well-acquainted with marshadow's lore, so it's cool to see it as a main character here. this fic starts out really abstract, almost ethereal, and over time becomes increasingly grounded in the real world... the description of the embryonic marshadow following around its hosts and learning about the world seems almost storybook-like. it did drag on a bit if i'm honest—we got a really detailed picture of rattata's life, and though it might come back up later, it didn't seem quite relevant enough to deserve all the description it got—but it was still interesting to read, and the concept of marshadow as this curious spectator on our world is a novel one.

something i noticed about it is that, like A Mew Me, this fic deals with a character that's not really in control of its own body, and is pretty unknowledgeable about the world around it. it's a pretty peculiar thing, almost like putting the reader in the mindset of a newborn baby, except... even babies aren't really cognizant about the fact that they're moving their arms around and interacting with the world, right? they just do it and learn kind of mindlessly, but here and in A Mew Me you capture this feeling of exploring a new body and learning how to engage with the physical world, under this lens of conscientiousness, curiosity, and understanding that wouldn't really occur in the real world. it's really intriguing stuff, sort of building a consciousness from nothing, and you do it well here. interesting that this theme comes up both in this fic and in A Mew Me, but i digress.

i'm not a huge pmd person myself, but this seems like a fairly unconventional take on the genre, and given that marshadow is just about as clueless about the world as we are, it seems like you're setting us up with a protagonist that will enable us to learn about the world in step with him, which is always kind of fun. figuring out how best to inform the reader about the world without being infodumpy is a real debate, and you've managed to do it here by fusing it with this theme of a fresh mind that seems to recur in your work as far as i've seen, which is interesting. i think that having a protagonist that needs everything explained to them can get a bit trite and may end up infodumpy even if it makes some sense in-character, so i would be cautious about that, but i think your approach here has some promise.

overall, a lot of this first chapter focuses pretty heavily either on a character that doesn't seem like it's going to have much bearing on the plot (raticate), or on marshadow's body—forming it, figuring out how it works, et cetera. as a result not much happens in this chapter. i think that's okay, as long as it picks up soon, and the end is fast-paced enough that it makes me optimistic for the chapters to come, but that's just something i thought i'd point out. i think A Mew Me had a similar issue following kuki's reincarnation as a mew, but it picks up pretty quickly from there as i recall, so i imagine the same will apply here.

pretty good stuff on the whole though! there's a lot of promise here, and while it's too early to say for sure where this is going, i'm optimistic about it and look forward to reading the next chapter. keep up the good work!

 

[Umbramatic]

It's not often I find a fic with a Legendary POV that isn't mine. And on top of that it's Marshadow, one most people gloss over. And on top of THAT it's an origin story for Marshadow. Holy shit you've already hit on a bunch of Umbra-pleasing things.

It's very intresting and compelling to see Marshadow evolve over the years as it interacts with more and more life forms. I feel bad for its Raticate "friend" though. And I see a mention of Falinks!

I do have to wonder what's going on with the cat. Could be a little clearer what species that is, I assume Espurr. I also assume it's one of the "civilized" mons. Marshadow getting into THAT will be intresting.

But this is an intriguing beginning! Hope like Marshadow it grows and goes places.

 

[Namohysip]

Marshadow! Took me a little bit to realize what was going on. Hiding in shadows is definitely something I'm already familiar with regarding Marshadow, but I had to be sure, since I'm also friendly with very abstract or non-Pokemon concepts in Pokemon settings. (I mean, hey, PMD does it canonically anyway!)

Anyway, this was an interesting way to start off a story. Not a single line of dialogue, yet I found myself having an easy time following along with what you had to say. It's not easy to get that out of me without a single scene to really ground itself with dialogue, though I think the two scenes that stood out here were the ones that involved a Pokemon dead or dying. Wonder if that's gonna be a theme going forward? A bit grim, but then again, this is only the prologue. No telling if the tone will shift or remain the same.

One thing that does bring me to, though, is the gimmick that's going on in this prologue. Well, two things. First, I think it got a little repetitive referring to Marshadow as "the entity" all the time, especially once I had a more defined form. Switching to it/him or whatever might've done better at some point as a shorthand, since "the entity" droned on.

Next, I'm wondering how long you'll be able to keep up this theme of rhythmic hearts. The language would probably get repetitive after, say, three or so chapters of Marshadow listening to everyone's heart beat. Hopefully that'll fade into passing mentions here and there and not a central focal point going forward, perhaps when he has more interesting things to think about. That's a good way to keep a theme going without really laying it on thick.

Anyway, curious start! But I'll definitely need to see chapter 1 to see where you actually plan to take it.

 

[kintsugi]

Oh! Like A Mew Me, another story with newly-born legendaries getting a feel for their powers and the ever-growing world around them. I'm looking forward to seeing how you explore that theme in this new setting; I think that's a really interesting perspective that you continue to delve into!

Was it then the ability to move? That couldn’t be it either. Many things moved, but among them were the inanimate.

I really like the direction you take the intro here! It gives a great preview of what the rest of the prologue is going to be about. Also, I think it's pretty interesting that the narration only considers the "move but no soul" instead of the "soul but no move" combination.

Overall I like the detached POV (referring to Marshadow as the cloud/the entity) that you narrate this chapter from. It really fits with the philosophical angle that you take the first few lines from, and it lets you blur the passage of time really well. There are a few times where that type of narration forces you into having too many pronouns though:

but it still couldn’t get it off its tail

It had also learned and witnessed how one life could lead to the creation of another.

is marshadow peeping in the daycare windows or am i reading this wrong

Survival of the fittest, that was how things were done in the wilderness.

lame little grammar nitpick here! You're joining two independent clauses with a comma; this is called a comma splice. You could maybe put some conjunctions (and/for/but), but I think to keep the narrative flow here I'd swap out that comma to a semicolon (;).

None of that quite surprised it as much as when it discovered it had manifested eyes as well.

Oh! This is a really neat detail I hadn't picked up on at first -- I think because you do describe the visuals of the forest/the Raticate fights in addition to the sounds, I didn't fully understand that Marshadow couldn't see. I definitely picked up on the soul/core song stuff, but if you only used audio/aural descriptions for what happened (like the *sound* of the younger Raticate biting into the older one's throat instead of describing what it *looked* like), you could drive that point in a bit more clearly.

its head had only come to look that way after it possessed the shadow of a Falinks some years ago.

just like the origami bits in A Mew Me, I could read an entire fic about Marshadow slowly picking up traits from possessing the shadows of various Pokemon. This is such a cool concept!

Mountain ranges stretched far and wide in the valleys, dyed in the lush green of vegetation. Those valleys acted as the entity’s cage

I think you want a word other than "valley" here -- if I'm reading this correctly, the mountains are forming the wall to the cage, but the valley would be the vage itself.

Of all the attributes it had manifested, hunger was its least favorite

HANGRY

For a prologue this was a really interesting start. We know pretty much everything about the Marshadow's backstory, but we don't really know anything about the Marshadow as a character, do we? It's still learning and growing, and I think it'll be really interesting to see how it reacts to learning things alongside what I assume is the partner Pokemon.

Pointless speculation, but is one of them a human-turned-Pokemon? I think both cases would be really interesting -- Marshadow needing to relearn the entire PMD world from the ground up would definitely fit if they were a transplanted human, but Marshadow trying to learn the entire PMD world alongside a human that *also* doesn't know anything about it would be a really fun approach to take things in to. I like the broad strokes that you're taking things in with this one and I can't say much else as far as plot goes, but you did a great job of setting up a tantalizing hook here!

 

[canisaries]

Review pile? Allow me to join.

Plants lived, but they clearly lacked souls.

*angry sunflora noises*

The rodent cannot leave yet!

*could not, as it's past tense

With a tendril, it reached for the Rattata. Alerted, the rodent squeaked. The frightened Rattata leapt and dashed away, but the entity managed to touch its shadow and was dragged along with it, much to both of their confusion.

oh gosh oh frick it's black sabbath oh no

In the years it had remained hidden, it learned so many new things. The entity had learned that there could be multiple creatures of the same kind, as well as the fact that living beings needed energy to survive, acquiring their sustenance in various ways.

It is odd that it would not know this basic rule of life but would know what a plant is and that they're alive despite having no souls, when it seems that the entity's special "hearing" only picks up souls. Unless the starting paragraph is more across its entire evolution and not just at the beginning? It isn't super clear.

Also pouring one out for this homie for needing to watch animals poop on top of it for so long.

It had also learned and witnessed how one life could lead to the creation of another.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Time drifted by, and the once young Rattata came to evolve. As a Raticate, it led a group of Rattatas after overthrowing their previous leader in a bloody battle.

AND I'M DA GIANT RAT DAT MAKES ALL OF DA RULES

The power to perceive its environment with more than just sound made it shudder,

Wait, hold on now. It learned all that it had before through only sound? That's a little tough to swallow, especially considering how it can detect and move through shadows that don't make any kind of noise. There must have been other senses at work there.

At first glance the entity looked like it donned a helmet, but its head had only come to look that way after it possessed the shadow of a Falinks some years ago.

Ooh, nice, so this marshadow doesn't just learn the powers of the mon, but takes after their physical appearances.

The entity decided to go downstream as there was a fallen tree that acted as a bridge to the other side there. Naturally, it had been the one who deliberately pummeled the tree until it fell there.

Humorous, but on a general note, narration of action can get jarring to follow if steps are given out of order, such as this sequence's "entity went downstream" -> "there was a fallen tree" -> "this fallen tree had been punched over by it"

It lacked the monotony it had grown accustomed to hearing from the wilderness creatures.

Hmm, so I guessed right during reading earlier on, the sound is related to sapience! "Wilderness creatures" sounds awkward to me, though - "wilderness' creatures" or "creatures of wilderness" might be better.

---

Short and sweet this was, and certainly intriguing for the start of a story! I'm always a sucker for following the minds of non-human creatures and how things are perceived differently. Like I pointed out, I saw it as a little inconsistent, but the curiosity and intrigue of the being still shone through. Marshadow I also think doesn't get much of a spotlight often not that it would want it hue, so I'm glad to see it utilized.

Good luck with continuing onward, you've certainly got a good base to build on.

 

[Chibi Pika]

Heyy, I'm really glad you went ahead with writing this fic! And this was a heck of an intro too! Like the others have said, it's not everyday that you see Marshadow in a fic. And I don't really know if Marshadow... has any... canon lore to speak of? So coming up with your own orgin for it, clinging to shadows, observing living beings, taking on aspects of them, slowly becoming more living itself and coming to understand what life is in the process? Lotta fun ideas on display here for such a short intro.

The only thing that had disappointed it was that all the creatures it had met so far had the same dull noise in their cores. They were empty, yet somehow full of life at the same time. That gave the entity enough satisfaction.

It's a bit odd to say that it's disappointed, but then immediately afterward say that it's satisfied. Maybe needs some kind of qualifier? Like, it's disappointed, but still gets some satisfaction from it all the same.

It stood still for what felt like hours, its orange eyes glistening as it watched the sky. Soon sunset came and night loomed over him.

Switching to calling it "him" for just this one line.

But yeah, looking forward to seeing where this goes~

 

[Adamhuarts]

Before i post the next chapter, i just want to say thank you so much to all the people who took time to read and review my story. Getting this much feedback means a lot to me, and I hope you stick around for upcoming chapters as well!

Marshadow! Took me a little bit to realize what was going on. Hiding in shadows is definitely something I'm already familiar with regarding Marshadow, but I had to be sure, since I'm also friendly with very abstract or non-Pokemon concepts in Pokemon settings.

Oh yeah, i took some unconventional approaches with this pmd fic. However, i can say that hiding in other's shadow, in a literal sense, isn't something that Marshadow will be doing all the time. Especially not around pokemon with sharp senses.

One thing that does bring me to, though, is the gimmick that's going on in this prologue. Well, two things. First, I think it got a little repetitive referring to Marshadow as "the entity" all the time, especially once I had a more defined form. Switching to it/him or whatever might've done better at some point as a shorthand, since "the entity" droned on.

I will come upfront and admit i kinda got lazy there cuz there aren't many synonyms for entity, so i stuck with it and hoped no one will notice >_>

lame little grammar nitpick here! You're joining two independent clauses with a comma; this is called a comma splice. You could maybe put some conjunctions (and/for/but), but I think to keep the narrative flow here I'd swap out that comma to a semicolon (;).

Ah yeah, i'll fix that. Thanks for the heads up!

Pointless speculation, but is one of them a human-turned-Pokemon? I think both cases would be really interesting -- Marshadow needing to relearn the entire PMD world from the ground up would definitely fit if they were a transplanted human, but Marshadow trying to learn the entire PMD world alongside a human that *also* doesn't know anything about it would be a really fun approach to take things in to. I like the broad strokes that you're taking things in with this one and I can't say much else as far as plot goes, but you did a great job of setting up a tantalizing hook here!

Unfortunately, none of my protagonists will be humans. Not to spoil much, but my story takes place in a pmd world that has had almost no human influence in it, and as such the word 'human' is not even known or heard of by any pokemon in my story's world. I hope that makes sense. ^_^

It's a bit odd to say that it's disappointed, but then immediately afterward say that it's satisfied. Maybe needs some kind of qualifier? Like, it's disappointed, but still gets some satisfaction from it all the same.

Ah, good catch Chibi. I should probably fix that. Thank you!

I do have to wonder what's going on with the cat. Could be a little clearer what species that is, I assume Espurr. I also assume it's one of the "civilized" mons. Marshadow getting into THAT will be intresting.

Yeah, it was an Espurr. I tried to keep things vague for the sake of suspense, but I may have been too vague i suppose. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!

 

[Adamhuarts]

Chapter 1: Marni


The Espurr awoke with a gasp. With widened eyes, she sat up and ran her paws across her round head, then her torso. She was still in one piece. Thank goodness she was still alive indeed.

The cat pursed her lips while her body trembled. If memory served her right, she and her master were crossing a bridge when it collapsed before she could make it across. Did her master make it through? She couldn't quite tell. All she remembered was the feeling of weightlessness and crashing into the river. A dull ache stabbed at her skull when she tried recalling more.

She sighed, taking a moment to survey her whereabouts. The Espurr found herself sitting on a bed of leaves in a small cave, though it was spacious to a Pokemon her size. When she moved, she found her red cloak sitting beside her. Someone had gone through the effort of folding it up neatly.

As she reached for it, a sweet scent trickled into her nose. A pile of berries was huddled up by the base of her leafy bed. She stared idly at it, raising her paw to her chin in thought.

She could remember how she escaped. She'd plunged herself into a fast flowing river while fleeing from the bandits, so, the fact that she was in a cave meant someone must have found and brought her there, but who? Either way, she needed to go look for Raster. He must be so worried about her.

A tinge of numbness ticked her joints, but it was nothing too serious. Next she grabbed her cloak and threw it around her body.

Unclipping her bag, the feline pulled a folded map from her bag and spread it out on the ground. She ran her paw across it, coming to a stop at a marked location called Hage Valley. She traced her paw up a blue line representing a river, biting her lip after seeing just how far she’d drifted away from their set path.

After that, she rummaged through her bag and pulled out a circular device. It resembled a bronzor, but it had a wooden color and a screen attached to the front. An ugly crack streaked across the screen, and she winced just looking at it.

"I hope this thing still works," she muttered. A click of a button at the base of the screen brought it to life. A logo representing a circle with wings displayed itself briefly before making way for six icons arranged in a circle. "Yes, it works!"

She navigated through the screen and made a call. Her heart raced while she waited for the device to make a successful connection.

"Marni! You survived!" said another voice from the screen. There was a lot of sloshing noise in the background. The person was probably close to the river.

"Somehow..." Marni said, lifting the device closer.

"That's good! You had me so worried!" The person's voice was clearly trembling and that made Marni purse her lips in guilt. "Where are you right now?"

"I woke up in some kind of cave. Someone brought me here, but they were already gone when I woke up."

"Interesting. Well I'll be coming over to pick you up now. Perhaps I could give my thanks to the Pokemon who rescued you."

"No, that won't be necessary, Raster. I don't want to slow you down, so I'll just meet you at the site," Marni said, shaking her head. "I've delayed you and our crew enough."

"Hey, it's fine kid. Besides, we sort of need you there anyway. Stay put, I'll come get you soon."

"Understood." Marni hung up and set the device down. She heaved a sigh and slouched back. Now, what was she to do while she waited?

The scent of berries ticked Marni's nose, and she was suddenly reminded how hungry she had been. She glanced at the berry pile, and they appeared to be inviting her to eat them. It was tempting for sure, but Marni wasn't quite sure whether they were safe to eat or not. Not that it would be all that difficult to tell. She could peer into the berries to see if they had anything harmful in them.

Marni set off to investigate. Both her eyes lost their purple color and became red with black pupils. With her eyes in that state, she could see everything she was facing if she chose to, but she focused on only seeing what was inside the berries in front of her. Nothing out of the ordinary it seemed. All she learned was that they were very much ripe.

The berries were good to eat, and so Marni reached for a Cheri berry. The sour, yet sweet flavor splashed over her taste buds. Her expression melted as she savored the taste, and so she took another. There was plenty enough for her, so she took her time. Just as she turned to adjust her cloak, she saw something in her shadow.

Alarm bells fired off in her mind and she leapt back and blasted three claw shaped waves at her shadow. Whatever hid there bolted out of her shadow before the attacks hit their mark. Dust clouds erupted between them from the impact, but Marni saw right past them with her scarlet eyes.

Sure enough, there was someone standing in front of her when the dust settled. It was a Pokemon whose body looked dark as smoke. Marni unsheathed her claws from within her fur padded paws, ready for battle.

The Pokemon stood motionless, staring back at her with a blank gaze. Marni saw a hint of confusion in the Pokemon’s eyes. She wondered why, but it wasn’t a good idea to let her guard down for even a moment.

Her eyes glinted redder, and she scanned the Pokemon to draw as much information about them as possible. “Who are you…? Why were you hiding in my shadow?”

The Pokemon tilted his head and opened his mouth slightly. With an eerie boyish voice, he said, “Mah… Shadow?”

“Marshadow? Is that your name?” she asked with a frown.

The Pokemon motioned his head slightly, which Marni took as a nod. “I see. Now answer my other question. Why were you spying on me?”

No answer.

“Are you an ally or foe?”

No answer either.

“Who do you work for?!” she asked again, raising her voice.

Marshadow still didn’t satisfy her with a response. He continued to stare at her, his bright orange eyes sending a slight chill down her spine as if his voice wasn’t unnerving enough. She clenched her paws, straining her eyes to get a read on him.

Forget him spying on me. What even is this guy?! There are barely any frequencies coming from his soul. Is he a feral? No, I don't think so... Marni narrowed her eyes and scanned him further. Ghost and Fighting type? An odd combination, but it doesn’t matter. He hasn’t awakened his soul, so he can't use elemental techniques. I’ll just knock him out of the way, leave this cave and meet up with Raster.

The moment she made the intent to strike, the most bizarre thing happened. Marshadow bent down on one knee in a fashion Marni recognized as swearing allegiance. She widened her eyes and grew flustered.

"Wait, wait, wait—what are you doing?!" Marni asked, flailing her arms around. "You can't swear yourself to me. I may be a noble, but I'm not presently looking for subordinates! Please, stand upright."

Marshadow rubbed on his cheek as he blinked. He stood back up as she had requested, which evoked a relieved sigh from Marni. Her eyes twitched when she saw him smiling afterwards.

“Seriously, what’s with you? I can’t understand you at all,” she muttered with lowered eyes. He’s been quiet all this time. Does he not know how to speak? This is frustrating, but perhaps I could try…

Marni gulped as she took two steps towards him. She expected him to react in some way, but he didn’t. Marshadow just stared at her blankly with a hint of curiosity in his eyes. Marni bit her lip and continued to walk forward until she was standing right in front of him.

Marni maintained eye contact with him and raised a paw. “Don’t be alarmed. Since we can’t communicate properly with words, I have a method that does not require us to speak audibly. You know about telepathy, right?” Marni asked, though his lack of response didn’t help in making her feel any less uneasy around him. “It can allow one to speak directly to others’ minds. My telepathic abilities are limited, unfortunately. I can only use it with someone when we’re directly in contact, like this…”

‘Testing. Testing. Can you hear me?’ Marni asked after a pink energy pulsed from the paw she placed on Marshadow’s chest.

Marshadow’s eyes widened for a second, his lips parting in a sliver. ‘What is this? This voice… I don’t know. It’s not mine.’

Marni winced when his ghostly voice resounded in her head. ‘It’s me, the one in front of you right now. I’ve linked our minds temporarily. There are a few things I need to ask you, Marshadow.’

‘Who is Marshadow?’

Marni blinked twice. ‘Isn’t that your name?’

‘What is a name?’

‘You’re joking, right? How do you identify yourself?’

‘I don’t understand. You’re confusing.’

Marni pulled her paw away with widened eyes. She was at a loss for words, staring at him for a few seconds. When she realized she’d cut off the telepathic link, she put her paw on his chest again.

‘Your voice. I stopped hearing it.’

‘I apologize for that. Allow me to explain. A name is something special given to you, something that represents what you embody, something you can call your own. For me, my name is Marni and it is derived from the old word for heart. Isn’t there anything like that to you?’

He shook his head.

‘Wow, allow me the honor of naming you then. Marshadow seems fitting. It even has the first three letters of my name in it! How would you like that as your name?’

‘Marshadow… It is nice. You are Marni, I am Marshadow.’

Marni gave him an affirmative nod. Having gotten introductions out of the way, she decided to move on to more pressing matters. ‘Now then, I’d like to ask you again why you were sneaking around inside my shadow.’

‘I want to learn about you. You are different. You have a nice melody and I want to hear more.’

‘I have a nice melody? What are you even on about? Anyway, spying on people like that is wrong. You should please not do that.’

‘I’m sorry.’

Marni nodded. Huh, I expected him to try justifying himself or something… The Espurr raised her other paw to her chin, wondering what else to ask the peculiar ghost type. She glanced around the cave and then back at Marshadow.

‘Is this your home?’

Marshadow nodded.

‘Then, are you the one… How did you find me?’

‘You were by the river, about to die. I did not want that.’

‘Ah, I see. So, you saved me. I owe you my life then. Thank you!’ Marni bowed her head politely. ‘If you live in these valleys, does that mean there’s a village or tribe nearby?’

Marshadow tilted his head at her, as though he didn’t know what either of those words meant. Marni explained the terms to him, and his response surprised her. ‘Only wild creatures here, not like you. You have a melody, they do not.’

There he goes about me having a melody again. Wait, can he hear the frequencies from other’s souls like how I’m able to see them? Marni thought about it further, and it made all the more sense when she considered him mentioning wild creatures not having a melody. That aside, she still found it baffling that he’d been living all on his own in the middle of nowhere like this. No wonder he didn’t understand her words.

‘Very well then. In that case…” Marni pulled out a piece of parchment from her bag and displayed it for Marshadow. The parchment had a detailed diagram of a a series of pillars. They were drawn in different angles, even including a top-down view. Marshadow inspected it with a curious look. ‘Have you ever seen anything like this somewhere in this valley?’

Marshadow held the parchment in his hands, his orange eyes focusing on it. Marni watched him study it motionlessly, the wispy horn on his head being the only thing swaying back and forth on his head. After what felt like several minutes, she noticed a glint in his eyes.

‘This, I have seen. Something like it, but it is far. At the edge of the valley.’

Marni’s eyes lit up with a smile. ‘Oh, this will be helpful. You might be able to tell us more about it then. Do you mind coming with me to meet Raster?’

‘You want me to come with you?’

‘No wait, Raster is already on his way here. We can just wait for him to arrive for the time being.'

'I see.'

Marni's eyes faded back to their usual purple. She let go of Marshadow and walked back to the leaf pile bed and sat. Her device made a noise from her bag and she pulled it out to look at the screen. "It seems Raster will be getting here shortly. Why don't we wait for him?

​

 

[Tanuki]

What an adorable beginning. Both of your characters here are cute in their own right. Marshadow's curiosity, Marni's prim and proper voice undercut by her general kittiness. It's really nice, and the prose is pleasant to read, which is a great contrast to Marni's situation, having just narrowly avoided death. It gives the impression she's used to this sort of thing.

I also loved your worldbuilding. It was subtle, and it never felt like an exposition dump even when it basically was. Having a protagonist that doesn't understand the world makes that kind of easy, sure, but you still did a really good job of it.

I especially liked how you displayed Marni's sight. You didn't explain it to us first and then have her do it; she just did it. That was great. I knew what was happening and didn't feel like you were trying to spoonfeed me the knowledge. Also, it was just fun to read her observing the inner mechanisms of the oran. I already said it, but I'll say it again: cute.

I'm always iffy on pov breaks. I know this technically isn't one, since it remains third person limited, but you're switching what you're limited to. That being said, while it irked me on instinct, I grew to really like it. I'd be wary of doing it all the time, as it can get grating, but it seems that your setting it up here so that you can take either perspective when the two split up.

Now, for the quotes:

The Espurr

The cat

Just start with her name and make the second epithet "The espurr." No real need to hold off on telling us her name for so long since it's the chapter title. I also don't really see what you're trying to achieve by avoiding saying her name directly. It feels stilted.

The same goes for a lot of your other epithets. Basically every "the espurr" could easily be replaced with "she" and it'd flow better. The constant epithets make your prose feel a bit awkward. It makes me wonder why you feel the need to tell me her species each time. Just say "she" or her name.

She quietly balled her fist and threw a punch in the air.

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute

With a twitch of her fingers, a engulfed herself in psychic energy.

A what.

Sure, Marshadow was a bit of an oddball and while she still had her suspicions about his identity, she could either with him or wander aimlessly in the valleys.

She could either with him.

Overall, a really great start! I'm glad I read this. It's nice, fun, and I already love both the characters. I'm horrified to see how you ruin their lives ;_;

 

[Umbramatic]

Chapter 1 review!

And so our protagonists properly meet. I really gotta hand it to you again about how you portray Marshadow and how he sees the world, and his interactions with Marni are great - especially because they can't understand each other normally and have to rely on body language and telepathy.

(one bit I thought was weird though, Marni's narration to herself when she was alone in the cave - it felt kind of forced when she was saying it out loud and that kind of narration works better when it's internal thoughts.)

Also I do wonder what kind of scrape Marni got into before she met Marshadow. Does she know terrible secrets? Did she commit a crime? we alas don't know much about the world yet (and I'd like to see more) so I don't have much in the way of guesses.

But I am looking forward to what happens next. And Marni and Marshadow being friends!

 

[Namohysip]

Ahhh yes, chapter one! Nice! Don't go rebooting this again, now.

And so we see Marni. Full disclosure to other readers, I'm already pretty familiar with Marni because of some campaigns that we've done together, but it's nice to finally see her as she's intended!

Overall, this was a nice, slow chapter to start things off, and I think you handled it well by giving a "new experience" to the reader right off. In the prologue we see Marshadow's backstory, and in the first chapter we meet Marni, who meets Marshadow! It all leads into one another very nicely, so I'm curious what the plot will be between these two now that Marshadow's established to be with her.

I think one thing you did well was establish why Marshadow decided to go with Marni--as the first sapient 'mon he's encountered out in the woods with such a lovely "melody" to her spirit, it added up nicely. I do wonder whether her spirit is melodic for reasons beyond just being sapient, though, and if that has to do with her Sight? Curious to see just how happenstance this meeting is after all. There had been bandits in the forest, after all, and those didn't appeal to Marshadow, unlike Marni...

I'm kind of surprised that I was able to follow so quickly that the second part of the first chapter was meant to be from Marshadow's perspective. That was a good job--I wasn't lost at all, and usually these perspective changes can give me pause. How often will these perspectives be swapping? Will it be arbitrary? Either way, good work on keeping it third person limited while still being followable on whose shoulder I'm looming over.

“I thank the gods for favoring me. I don’t know if my aides made it out alive during that chaos... In any case, I am alive and that's what counts. I will also play my part to make sure this mission succeeds and meet you all on the other side.”

One oddity that I noticed in this chapter is that Marni talks to herself very often when she's alone, and I don't really know if that's realistic--especially since she woke up after being attacked. I imagine she'd be more cautious than that, and these monologues would be better attributed to thoughts or simply narration.

The next thing she did was grab her cloak and throw it around her body.

There's something odd about "the next thing she did," in these kinds of narrative things. You can probably just drop clauses like that.

As she folded up her map to leave the cave, her eyes fell on the berry pile again and she felt her mouth salivating.

There's a lot of filler words and passive phrases going on in the prose. Here's an example, having "her eyes fell on the" and "felt her mouth salivating." These are stage directions, and I wonder if you could implicitly pan the camera to these things instead. For example, "She folded up her map to leave the cave, but her mouth salivated; the berry pile stole her attention." Or... something like that. I don't like my alternative, either. But either way, the passive voice isn't necessary.

Please, stand upright”

Missed a period.

Marni watched him study it motionlessly, the wispy horn on his head being the only thing swaying back and forth on his head.

"head" is used twice.

His heart was still racing at the fact that a Pokemon was able to detect him hiding in their shadow for the first time in his life. That moment was what made him decide to stick with the Espurr no matter what.

I liked most of what happened with Marshadow's rationale, but these two sentences were a little too straightforward for my tastes. The second sentence in particular felt unnecessarily straightforward; at this point, it was abundantly clear that's why he's sticking with her.

Marshadow’s orange eyes glistened under the moonlight, his mind absorbing all of Marni’s words. ‘Teach me the names of more things.’

Now this was probably my favorite line in the whole chapter. I really saw this scene. Vivid, touching, calm--very good. It's almost a shame Marni fell asleep right after this line, ha...

Anyway, nice start. Looking forward to more!

 

[DeliriousAbsol]

This story is really cute! I love the characters, and Marshadow's innocence is adorable. Already I'm enjoying his interactions with Marni.

Your writing style has come in leaps and bounds, too. The descriptions flow well, and I didn't spot many mistakes.

I'm interested to know what's happened, and to see how Marshadow develops and if he'll ever understand Marni. Having her speaking in mewls is really unique, I don't believe I've come across that in a PMD setting before. The way he got his name was great, too! Trying to imitate her and she thought it was an answer! It really works, and is both sweet and amusing.

Keep up the good work! =D

 

[Adamhuarts]

@DeliriousAbsol Thanks so much for the review! I'm so glad you enjoyed the interactions between the story and interactions. I'll do my best to get the next chapter out soon enough!

 

[Equitial]

I loved the prologue. I appreciate how you portrayed Marshadow coming into personhood (???). Marshadow came off as distinctly otherwordly, very different from a typical person, which is fitting since he's a Legendary. It's such an interesting perspective to start with. I look forward to how he'll react when he come more in contact with other, sapient beings.

My favorite section in the prologue is the one where Marshadow observed from the Raticate's shadow, where Marshadow grew the most. My favorite moment likewise came from the end of that section:

Before it left, it glanced back at the Raticate’s carcass. The entity leaned towards it with lowered eyes, rubbing its hand over its rough, worn-down fur. The entity remained like that for a while, then reluctantly bid the Pokémon farewell.

Because of Marshadow being a detached observer during all of this , the emotion he displayed was incredibly sweet.

I do feel there were a couple instance in the last section where Marshadow acted too much like an average human would. Two particular were a bit jarring --

The entity covered its eyes and groaned. Having realized it was daybreak, it stood up to stretch and yawned.

and

The entity raised its hand to its chin

Especially the latter example seems like a gesture he would have had to pick from another sapient being.

 

[Adamhuarts]

Thanks so much for the review, Equitia! I'm glad you liked the prologue. It was really fun to write!

I do feel there were a couple instance in the last section where Marshadow acted too much like an average human would. Two particular were a bit jarring --

Ah, yeah that was a bit of an oversight on my part. Half of that segment was actually written before the first portion of the prologue, back when Marshadow was just a random forest dweller without the ambiguous identity, hence why he was acting a bit human in it. I'll edit the section later to reflect the changes in the prologue. Thanks for pointing it out to me!

 

[Equitial]

I actually meant to review both the prologue and the first chapter back there, but I didn't so here you go now I guess.

I also liked the first chapter! I loved the interactions between Marni and Marshadow; it came off as absolutely precious, though I’m realizing that they don’t really have an emotional connection yet. They did connect with each other, but it seems more practical than emotional on both sides. Marshadow stills seems a little like a detached observer, wanting to stay with Marni so that he can learn more. And Marni…

Marni had a bunch of cute moments in this chapter, and she’s been pretty kind and understanding to Marshadow, but underneath it all she mostly seems just extremely practical??? It struck me when she mentioned that she was with others when she was attacked and almost died. I don’t the specifics, but while she didn’t seem cold about it she did stop thinking about their well-being very quickly. Then again, I don’t know what her mission was before all this either.

I also like you portrayed her abilities. You’ve established that you aren’t sticking strictly with canon, with whatever exactly she did to look at and through the berries, so I’m interested to see what else you bring to this story. Appreciate the limitations you gave her as well, though maybe that’s just because it makes her stay close to Marshadow I also liked the detail about her having sheathable claws. Yes, expected since kitty, but the concept is still neat.

I’ve realized that Marshadow’s abilities, on the other, hasn’t been explored much. We’ve seen him go into others’ shadows and he can hear whatever it is he hears, of course, but not much besides that. Not much info about Marshadow in canon, so yeah, interested to see how you’ll flesh him out. He does seem pretty durable though, as seen in one of my favorite moments in the chapter:

While she was lost in her observations, she felt someone suddenly pick her up. Her head flinched back slightly when she saw Marshadow holding her in his arms. Before she could ask him what he was up to, he sprinted toward the edge of the cliff and took a huge leap.

“Hey hold on, WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!”

***B***

Marshadow landed with a thud, dust rising from the impact of his descent. Almost immediately, his new companion struggled out of his arms, growling at him while making a series of very angry mewls.

Absolutely amazing. The image of Marni mewling angrily gives me life. Actually, I love it every time Marni is described as meowing. I'm almost disappointed that Marshadow will be learning to understand her xD


I do have a few small issues with the chapter though. While I didn’t mind you referring to Marshadow as “the entity” in the prologue because it was constant (though it probably would have made more since to start calling him “he” during then), Marni’s epithets were grating. I don’t see a reason while you had to use them at all, since there’s no reason why Marni couldn’t have been referred to by name. I also felt Marni talked to herself too much at the beginning of the chapter.

 

[windskull]

Finally! Finally I’m getting around to reading and reviewing this. Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

I actually don’t have a lot to say about the prologue, but to start out with, I do find it interesting that you establish a noted difference between feral and sapient pokemon in the form of the sound Marshadow hears from their soul. It gives me a pretty good idea of what type of world you’ve designed and how you’re tackling ferals versus “civilized” pokemon.

Also, you do a good job of setting a hook of sorts at the end, let’s see where that goes…

So a minor nitpick on Marni is that at the beginning, she feels rather wordy, like she says more than she needs to to get her point across. But that might be intentional? It just felt a little bit off to me. Also, I kind of wish that the fact that she was attacked was a bit more established through narrative instead of just through dialogue. It ends up coming across as a bit “tell” instead of “show” to me.

Regardless, she and her quest are intriguing. And I have the feeling that the similarities in her soul sight and Marshadow’s soul hearing will be important later.

With a twitch of her fingers, a engulfed herself in psychic energy.

I think you probably meant she engulfed herself in psychic energy?

The moment she made the intent to strike, the most bizarre thing happened. Marshadow bent down on one knee in a fashion the Espurr recognized as swearing allegiance. Her eyes widened, her Extrasensory fizzling away when she grew flustered.

This was the only other part that felt kind of off to me. To me, it seems like a very odd action for someone who’s only been around ferals. Unless there was some reason for him reacting like that, I feel like there could have been a better action to use.

To wrap this up, I’m going to touch on the fact that Marshadow didn’t really understand Marni, because I thought that was a really interesting idea. And also makes sense, since he’s not been around someone that can “talk” like that. And I wonder who that might affect things as they go forward on this mysterious quest (which I hope to learn more about soon).

Anyways, I think that’s all I have to say thus far, so I’ll catch you again a few chapters down the line!

 

[Negrek]

Well, I got to see the prologue of this earlier, but it's fantastic to see it all posted and with a first chapter, too! Marshadow is an unusual pokémon, and I'm really curious about his origins. Is he literally the ghost of some other pokémon? (Maybe a legendary?) Is he eventually going to realize/remember that, and will it end up meaning something for the story?

It's interesting how distinct the two chapters are. The prologue covers a long arc of time and is basically Marshadow "growing up" and learning about the world by creeping on pokémon from this rattata's shadow, whereas the second chapter is more "in the moment" with your usual sort of character progression and the beginnings of plot. I kind of like the slower, sort of contemplative prologue. It does have a purpose in showing us Marshadow's situation and why he acts so weird around Marni and introducing the idea of soul music, but I feel like it's more about atmosphere, and I think it works well in that respect! It seemed like a good length, too; long enough to get a flavor of things, but not so long that it felt like we were hanging out with nothing happening.

And it was good that the plot started to pick up right away in Chapter 1! Marni and Marshadow have a nice dynamic, and I think it'll be fun to follow the two of them as they go through whatever adventures await. Curious to see what sort of business Marni had at the shrine. Best guess is she's there to entreat its patron deity(s) to help with some problem or other, but it could go all kinds of ways. It'll be interesting to learn more about this world and what kind of role the gods might have in it, as well as how it might be connected to the soul music idea. Based on the title... Dissonant souls? So like corrupt/evil pokémon that are bad tunes who're threatening to [whatever] the world? And only Marni/Marshadow/pokémon can see them because of their abilities. (This is sounding a bit like the shadow pokémon in the Orre games, heh.)

I was really surprised at the end of the prologue when Marshadow referenced being able to see for the first time--I didn't realize he'd been blind! I think it would have helped to put more emphasis on auditory (and... tactile/smell? maybe? can ghosts smell???) descriptions rather than visual ones. I do see more emphasis on sound, looking back over the earlier paragraphs in the story, but then there are bits like, "The rodent frowned, rubbing dust and leaf bits off its whiskers," which I don't know how you could figure out without being able to see. Really leaning in to the "sounds only" thing would be cool and would give your writing a real chance to stand out, I think--it would *feel* like a kind of alien entity sensing the world in a different way than we're used to.

As it is, I like the idea of a "soul melody" and thought you did a nice job threading references to it through the prologue especially. The distinction between feral/non-feral pokémon's tunes is interesting, and I'm curious to see what it might mean for the larger plot/world of the story.

The part where Marni's talking to herself before she notices Marshadow felt a bit off to me--like, yeah, people do talk to themselves, and sometimes it can be pretty extensive. But these bits didn't feel very genuine to me--Marni seems like she's conveniently recounting recent events for the readers' benefit rather than saying the sorts of things that would come naturally in this situation. I think it would be easier enough to get this info across in the narration. Like, to me it sounds off for someone to be asking themselves "were those bandits that ambushed us?" aloud, but if you'd had basically the same sentence but left it as a thought, like, "The last thing she could remember, the ambush... Were those pokémon bandits?" or something, I would think it was perfectly fine.

The scene at the end of Chapter 1 with Marni and Marshadow discussing the moon/stars was super cute! I think that part was my favorite out of what you've written here so far. I didn't totally buy Marni falling asleep in the time that it took Marshadow to say one sentence (or at least, that's what the narration makes it sound like to me!). That's got to be something like, what, five seconds? Unless Marni has some serious narcolepsy, I don't think she'd go from speaking coherently to zonked out in that amount of time. Would work fine if Marshadow spent a little while contemplating the night sky or something before asking his question.

All in all this is a cute fic so far, and I think probably the strongest opening I've seen from you. I hope you keep working on this one and that the writing for it goes well. Best of luck with the next chapter!