Assuming the concerns are the same I'll make a read over of the revamped span you've offered here.
I would like some feedback on the prose of this fistfight I wrote. I only would like to know if the prose itself flows well, and if the fight is clear and easy to follow. Which parts are clunky and which are smooth, where it needs more or less detail. Should it be longer? Or is it long enough?
For context MC, Koa, is fighting a thief (basically). I already noted physical details about the thief, who is nicknamed Dirt Face. He isn't much taller than Koa and he's not big or bulky or anything crazy.
Koa has had fight training, while his opponent hasn't (although this isn't explicitly stated, he is shown to be poor at it.)
So here's a partial line by line break down...
A/N: Your original text is in ittalicies, my notes are parenthesized in normal font, titles bolded, underlined italics is your text but altered to my suggestions.
“What are you gonna do about it, huh? Fight me?”
(Who is talking? Further reading confirms it’s likely Dirtface, but the span immediately after the dialogue can be used to establish dirt face’s description, or even a “DF said” to prevent confusion in the opening line. As we’ve two hostile males getting at it this dangling dialogue into could equally be Koa or DF yapping off before the fight kicks in. This advice might be unnecessary considering the previous lines of your story but even with the scenario outlined the line was a bit loose as to who said what.)
Koa’s rage flared up.
(Since things rarely flare down, or sideways, I’d dub the “up” as redundant and suggest dropping it. Unless you want to build up on the fiery temper analogy (which is rather funny for a character named after a fish… if he burns himself for his temper it gets even funnier… sorry back to work then…), The buildup character as a hot head via analogy would require some retooling of the next few lines to work deeper in. If that’s a point of interest drop me a line.)
Red blurred his vision, and he longed to spring at Dirt Face and pummel him into the ground.
(Theres’ a few smoothness points.
On lists, actions or otherwise, you can drop a few of the “ands” present and keep meaning.
The easiest fix not touching other issues would be this:
Red blurred his vision, he longed to spring at Dirt Face, and pummel him into the ground.
I’d however vote for a slight reorganization of the ideas presented in this line and the following that focus on Koa calming down before getting into it with DF.)
The scene before the confrontation:
Red blurred his vision, he longed to spring at Dirt Face, and pummel him into the ground.
He clenched his fists tighter. No. Let your anger fuel your fists, not your mind. He repeated Kitto’s mantra in his head, taking as deep a breath as he could muster. Slowly, his anger simmered down.
Taking another slow breath, he shifted into a fighting stance as Kitto had shown him. Head down, fists up, and stance wide. His gaze shifted to the pokeballs on Dirt Face’s belt. There. That was his chance. If he could get the pokeballs, he could return Dirt Face’s pokemon and end the battle.
The breakdown:
Vision reddening
Longing to spring
Longing to plumel
Clenched fists tighter.
Yoda/kitto advise
He repeated manta in head
Deep breath as possible
Slowly his anger simmered down.
Another deep breathe,
Fighting stance via kitto
Describe stance
Glance shift to pokeballs
Established goal get the ‘mon?
(Are DFs team out now?)
Thoughts:
Alright this is a lot of internalization as a prelude to a fight… I’d guess in a standard standoff you’ve got a minute tops before someone snaps and throws the first hit. Consider there’s some baiting and intent to get to business I’d cut that time down a bit… With that in mind you might want to either cut or merge the ideas. Also there is a point of confusion in the last line, if DFs team are out and about at this moment, if so why haven’t they been noted/seen/ involved in the fight thus far...
actions
Red blurred his vision, he longed to spring at Dirt Face, and pummel him into the ground.
He clenched his fists tighter.
Taking another slow breath, he shifted into a fighting stance as Kitto had shown him. Head down, fists up, and stance wide
Internalization
No. Let your anger fuel your fists, not your mind. He repeated Kitto’s mantra in his head, taking as deep a breath as he could muster. Slowly, his anger simmered do
His gaze shifted to the pokeballs on Dirt Face’s belt. There. That was his chance. If he could get the pokeballs, he could return Dirt Face’s pokemon and end the battle.
Alright looking at everything spread before me in bits… then organizing it as internal and actions I’d recommend a rehaul of order so you can streamline everything more concisely. This will give the lot a short, cropped, look that should help the feelings of tension along preceding the fight.
In the spirit of that, I’d suggest you start with
He clenched his fists.
Then building on the hot head moment earlier…
He longed to spring at, and pummel DF into the ground.
Then kittos mantra can pop in, showing the character growth, attempted restraint, and morals ect.
No. Let your anger fuel your fists, not your mind
Then, to establish control being regained,
He took a deep breathe,
(I’d rec dropping the “other deep breathe” as we’re on a time limit here)
Shift into fighting stance.
Then
Red receded from his vision
Which spring boards into
Koi noticing the pokeballs ecetera.
Why is this order important? We start focus on the main character. He flows from temper to temperance, but shows a willingness to fight. Not noticing the pokeballs can be explained/assumed off by Koa having to get over his anger issues then turning his attention outwards. By having the fighting stance taken as his last overt action he is prepping for the fight and to look outwards thus spring boarding into the pokball observation. As for why the red vision is used last, it’s to preserve the text (assuming you like it) and to show, 1) it was there and 2) his development from tantrum to more reasonable trained fighter.
Getting into the scrum:
Dirt Face peered at him and raised his own fists. He chuckled, eyes zeroing in on Koa. Then he charged.
Alright… peering is a bit odd word choice as it’s more associated with sneaking, peering around corners, ect. Unless DF is established as someone with vision problems it doesn’t work well here. Also as he’s already been sassing at Koa I’d drop the eye zeroing in. He knows where Koa is, they faced off already so the peering and eyes zeroing become excessive.
So where does that leave this line?
Dirt Face raised his own fists. He chuckled at Koa, then charged
Koa’s response
Caught off guard, Koa yelped in shock and backpedaled as he brought his arms up.
As Koa is caught off guard the “in shock” of his yelp feels repetitive.
That leaves you with
Caught off guard, Koa yelped and backpedaled as he brought his arms up,
Next action then:
Blows rained down on him from both sides and he barely had time to process as he frantically blocked and twisted.
Considering the pace is established by “blows rained” and “barely had time to process” the line He frantically can be dropped as the lots clearly fast paced and crazed..
Each wild blow elicited a burst of pain. He kept moving back, desperate to give himself room to move, to think.
Because blow was used less than a line ago I’d run with replacing blow with “hit”. And since this is a dirty street fight vibe here I’d drop the “elicited a burst of pain” with hurt as the wordiness is cluttering up the action and not present in the spans around it therefore not looking to be a steady point of your writing style..
Again, the fights dirty and rough, “desperate” can be dropped, if Koa is moving back it’s for a reason and that doesn’t have to be overtly stated since he’d getting hurt standing still in the first segment and just wanting to get away from that is reason enough.
His back collided with something and in an instant, he ran out of room to move. He was trapped
Alright, this areas a bit choppy. Again we got some wordiness here that can be cut and the meaning preserved. Here’s’ a basic fix without rehauling the line too much.
His back smacked into something, and in that instant he was pinned/trapped.
Heres’ how it looks all put together.
Dirt Face raised his own fists. He chuckled at Koa, then charged.
Caught off guard, Koa yelped, and backpedaled as he brought his arms up .
Blows rained down on him from both sides and he barely had time to process, as he blocked and twisted
Each wild hit hurt . He kept moving, to give himself room to move, to think.
His back smacked into something, and in that instant he knew he was pinned/trapped.
This section is as a whole rather streamlined, drops wordiness, and gives the lot a back and forth motion. DF moves, Kao responds (badly since he's getting thrashed and pinned), the back and forth keeping the flow of the combat crisp, minimizes confusion as to who is doing what (clarity) and hopefully helps with prose issues in later installations as wordiness seems an issue rather than a style choice in this segment.
Hopefully this helps.
Give me a few days and I can wrap up the rest of the sample you've offered if you like. But please let me know if you want me to do so, as this type of go-over is time consuming and I'd prefer a green light to continue before I sink more time into it.
