Reverse World ~ Rockfall Cavern

[Chibi Pika]

"I had no idea you were carryin' this kind of pain," she murmured. "Starr, I'm sorry."

Starr took several steps backward, eyes wide and staring, body trembling uncontrollably. "What the hell. How can you... how can you say that? You don't even know why I did it. You..." She turned away sharply, forcing her breathing to level out, fighting back the burning tears that threatened to fall.

"You don't get it, do you?" she snarled. "You're so afraid of losing control and hurting people and I'm standing here telling you that I hurt people intentionally and you... why... how could you..." Her voice broke. Brisa didn't understand a damn thing. "How can you talk like my pain is the one that matters in that situation and not hers."

Why was this getting to her? Why here? Why now? Back home she had a constant reminder by her side, but... they could distract each other from it. Stay up late talking about it. They'd shared pain, they'd shared joy. And Starr had hoped that... in some small way... she'd managed to give some measure of comfort... not to make up for it (that wasn't possible). And yet...

For about the millionth time since she'd gotten to Cibus, Starr wished she could go home.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

"You still don't understand the first thing about me, either," said Brisa, gently. "That's okay. I think I'm beginnin' to get why."

Brisa's face was still a mess and Starr was working up to the same. It was dark. It was cold. The situation was close to hopeless. Brisa could do nothing about most of this. But she could do something about the darkness—at the cost of her dwindling energy—and perhaps make her own company bearable for another person in pain.

She braced herself, and lit up her fur with luminous electric power.

You're trying to save this world now, so somethin' musta changed. You don't gotta tell me. I have no idea what that stuff must be like to live with, and I ain't askin' yer to re-live it for my curiosity.

"Starr, if you wanna tell me why you did it, I'll listen. You must have had a reason. But I ain't too stupid to see it's killin' you to remember it. I thought... I thought I knew what you were, but I don't. I don't have the first idea what it's like to be you. Even so, I'm startin' to figure out why we don't understand eachother. You made a choice you can barely live with; it must be strange to see me so torn up over hurt I never meant to cause. I get that now."

You forgave people who were trying to be good. That's how it worked. Was Brisa trying to make up for what she did, or was she just moping?

Why do I even fuckin’ bother. You seriously don't even give a shit when someone's trying to help, do you?

You ain't threatenin' this world, you're helpin' it. It's not that fuckin' hard to figure you're tryin' to make up for what you did.

"Just tell me one thing, Starr. I reckon you're tryin' to make things right... Are you?"

 

[Chibi Pika]

"Starr, if you wanna tell me why you did it, I'll listen. You must have had a reason. But I ain't too stupid to see it's killin' you to remember it.

More wasted sympathy. But by now, Starr's anger was slowly fizzling into nothing. She just didn't have the energy to keep it going. Or the will to. Half of her wanted Brisa to just shut up. The other half wanted anything but.

"I was afraid that..." She paused, swallowing hard. "They would've killed her if I hadn't..." Excuses. Always with the excuses.

Starr exhaled slowly. "...It probably doesn't matter anymore." She turned and walked back toward where Brisa was curled up on the ground, dimly illuminated with an electrical glow. Starr sat down a few feet away from her, idly pawing at the dirt. "...I wasn't trying to make it sound like it was stupid to feel bad about hurting Curio like that. Obviously it matters. But you didn't want to hurt anyone, so I still don't think it was unforgivable." It's easy for you to say that. If something like that was unforgiveable, then what does that say about you?

"Just tell me one thing, Starr. I reckon you're tryin' to make things right... Are you?"

The words caught Starr off-guard, and she froze. "I..." She felt the powerful urge to dissolve into nothing. "I wanted to leave. Being around me was hurting her, but..."

“Look. If… if being around me is making it worse, then…”
“No. It’s helping. Being able to see you as… not that. It helps.”

Her tail curled around herself. "I know it's unforgivable. I know. But she was willing to start over, so..."

Do you honestly believe that anything you can do could ever make up for that?

"I've just... been trying to put things right. Any way I can. It's not much, but... it's all I can do."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

"I was afraid that... They would've killed her if I hadn't..."

Oh, gods. Maybe it was best not to pry. Whatever it was that Starr was remembering, it sounded like a truly hideous emotional wound. Brisa had no right to make Starr explain, nor did she know how to give comfort over something like this. Or even if she should—they weren't friends. All the same, the fear and guilt in the litten's voice made Brisa's chest ache with sympathy. She just didn't know what to do.

"...I wasn't trying to make it sound like it was stupid to feel bad about hurting Curio like that. Obviously it matters. But you didn't want to hurt anyone, so I still don't think it was unforgivable."

She winced at the memory of what she'd done to Curio, to Starr, to others back home... But... She ran what Starr had just said through her mind again. Paid attention to what she meant.

"Thank you," she said, so quietly she wasn't sure if Starr would hear her.

"Just tell me one thing, Starr. I reckon you're tryin' to make things right... Are you?"
" I... I wanted to leave. Being around me was hurting her, but... I know it's unforgivable. I know. But she was willing to start over, so... I've just... been trying to put things right. Any way I can. It's not much, but... it's all I can do."

Starr was trying. What she'd described sounded... sickening, yes. Yet, she was standing before Brisa half-dead of shame. Whatever she'd done in the past, she was changing. She'd even been given another chance by this gal she'd... hurt. The anger, the aggression, the fear... it all made sense. It was all Brisa, writ large. How had it taken this for her to understand? Gods. She'd got it figured out now, now it was too late. Salt and sand and spit. Fuck it. She'd try anyway.

"Listen," she said, voice low and unsteady. "I had you figured wrong. I thought you didn't give a shit about other people. But you do. You do. And I gave you a lashing for it. I thought that was how to give a shit about other people, by puttin' hurt on the people that hurt 'em."

Brisa shook her head hard enough to wring her own neck.

"I keep makin' the same mistake over and over again. I drive people away, because I can't keep my shit together. Everyone. I thought it might not happen this time. But it did. Even when I came by the dojo to apologise to you, to make things right, I ended up puttin' my teeth in your neck. I'm scared that this is just what I am, that I can't change."

She took a long, shuddering breath. This wasn't the time to get upset again.

"But you. You're changin'. I know you are. What you did ain't my injury to forgive, but I'll never hate you for it. I'm sorry I ever hated you."

 

[Chibi Pika]

"I keep makin' the same mistake over and over again. I drive people away, because I can't keep my shit together. Everyone. I thought it might not happen this time. But it did. Even when I came by the dojo to apologise to you, to make things right, I ended up puttin' my teeth in your neck.

Starr rubbed the back of her head awkwardly. "It's not that big a deal. Not like I'm injured for life or whatever." Maybe she'd gotten reckless, having a body that wasn't hers. One with speed healing, one that didn't scar as easily. Maybe it would've felt different if she'd been a Pokemon all along.

I'm scared that this is just what I am, that I can't change."

Starr was quiet for a while, tail flicking idly back and forth. It probably wasn't any of her business, but. "Why do you think you drive people away?" If anything, Starr was the one who was the sort to drive people away. That is, if they didn't just keep coming back anyway.

"What you did ain't my injury to forgive, but I'll never hate you for it. I'm sorry I ever hated you."

Starr furrowed her brow and turned away. "It doesn't really matter," she muttered. "I'm used to it."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Starr shrugged off her injuries and the animosity Brisa had shown her as if it was nothing. Brisa knew it hadn't been nothing, but her expressed remorse seemed to pass by, scarcely remarked on. Why? If Brisa were in that position, being told such things by someone who'd hurt her... hated her... she wasn't sure if she'd know how to answer, either. If Starr was like her... Perhaps Starr felt she'd deserved it.

"Why do you think you drive people away?"

Brisa blew out a long breath. "Guess we still don't know anything much about each other's lives, huh? Alright. I'll shoot first. Just... this shit's not easy to cogitate over, so gimme a minute to get it out."

Inhale, exhale. Steady, steady.

"I'm from one of those worlds with only pokémon. No humans. 'Cept for my father, who was a delphox the same way you're a litten. He saved the world, he could have settled down with anyone he liked, but my mother was what folks call a feral. It's a rotten word. All it means is she sleeps under the stars, when you examine it. Jesse vanished a few years back, I guess to wherever he came from. Sierra left not so long after that. I've lived alone for some years, now."

She paused to ground herself again. The wind still howled.

 

[Chibi Pika]

Brisa blew out a long breath. "Guess we still don't know anything much about each other's lives, huh? Alright. I'll shoot first. Just... this shit's not easy to cogitate over, so gimme a minute to get it out."

Starr wasn't exactly asking for a life story with that question, but... Hell with it. Not like they had anything better to do. Any excuse to keep at least one of them talking meant no silence.

"I'm from one of those worlds with only pokémon. No humans. 'Cept for my father, who was a delphox the same way you're a litten. He saved the world, he could have settled down with anyone he liked, but my mother was what folks call a feral. It's a rotten word. All it means is she sleeps under the stars, when you examine it. Jesse vanished a few years back, I guess to wherever he came from. Sierra left not so long after that. I've lived alone for some years, now."

Starr blinked. "Never gonna get used to everyone meaning something different when they use that word. With some of our teammates, feral Pokemon are like... pretty much just animals? Weirds me the hell out," she said, shaking her head. That obviously wasn't the case in Brisa's world, though.

"So where you're from, it's like... what, an excuse to give someone shit for being a hermit?" Starr went on, eyebrows raised. "Pretty stupid if you ask me. So your mom lived in the woods, who gives a shit." She paused, realizing the implication at the end there. "...Sucks that they left though."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa took a second to process what Starr had just said. Then she laughed. It sounded weird to her own ears... how long had it been?

"Gods. Yeah. Thanks."

Another breath.

"Yeah, we have actual ferals too. 'Feral' is just also somethin' folks call sapient mon like my ma who don't wanna civilise."

She shook her head. Sierra was even harder to think about than Jesse, sometimes.

"So. Human pa. Feral- I mean, roughlander ma. Neither of my parents taught me how to get along with ordinary folk, who I guess don't much like that I'm such a fighter. Back home... Ha, 'home.' I don't have a home. I have a cabin I barely sleep in, a town I barely step foot in, and... Starr, I don't know anyone back where I'm from. Closest thing I have to a friend is a galvantula shopkeep I exchange about a dozen words with in a month, and that's because he's a certifiable eccentric."

She sighed. Laying it out like that made it seem... pathetic.

"Most folks won't look me in the eye cause I spend my days kicking the shit outta bandits. I spooked my only real friend when I was a kid by goin' too hard sparring, never saw her again. My pa let me know he thought I was a- a- ...a 'violent animal,' and then he disappeared. And now I'm doin' the same damn shit. So there ya have it."

 

[Chibi Pika]

Starr, I don't know anyone back where I'm from. Closest thing I have to a friend is a galvantula shopkeep I exchange about a dozen words with in a month, and that's because he's a certifiable eccentric."

I spooked my only real friend when I was a kid by goin' too hard sparring, never saw her again.

...Shit. Starr was starting to get an idea of why Brisa had freaked the hell out so much over everything that had happened recently. Not to mention being all weirded out by the way Starr had tried to brush off the fight they'd had. (Sure, it was a pointless bullshit fight, but... not like it was the end of the world.)

For a moment, Starr couldn't help wondering if that would've been her... if her friends back home hadn't refused to give up on her.

My pa let me know he thought I was a- a- ...a 'violent animal,' and then he disappeared. And now I'm doin' the same damn shit. So there ya have it."

Starr bristled. "Okay, hang on, what the hell. Your dad? Yeah, fuck him. Sounds like you're better off without him."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

"Uh, yeah... people have been saying stuff like that. It's weird for me, y'know? You grow up with somethin', it seems normal. Even... even the stuff that guy did."

Brisa shuddered. It was cold. She felt like she was laying part of her mind bare. It unsettled her to think of... of Jesse, her father, when he-

"My pa was psychic. Delphox... they're mind-readers. Sometimes I could hear what he really thought of me. Violent animal. Not human. Not my daughter. You hear somethin' enough times, you start to believe it."

 

[Chibi Pika]

You grow up with somethin', it seems normal. Even... even the stuff that guy did."

Starr glanced away awkwardly. Her upbringing... wasn't exactly normal. It wasn't like she didn't know that. But it was just... the way things were.

"My pa was psychic. Delphox... they're mind-readers. Sometimes I could hear what he really thought of me. Violent animal. Not human. Not my daughter. You hear somethin' enough times, you start to believe it."

Starr couldn't help staring in disgust. "What the actual hell." Jesus, no wonder Brisa was so screwed up. "Not like he was human either. What the hell did he go and have a kid for if he couldn't handle it being a Pokemon. Dumbass." (Well, maybe it wasn't intentional, but... whatever, fuck him anyways.)

...Starr wasn't sure why she was feeling so heated over this. Maybe it was just nice to have someone to be pissed at without having to feel bad about it.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa couldn't help but laugh, again. Something about Starr's willingness to take shots at Jesse was... incredibly cathartic.

"Y'know, ya got a point there!" she said, between slightly-painful laughs. "I actually thought he mighta been makin' it all up, that he was just lunatic or lyin', until I came here and met other transformed humans. I don't- I don't know what was goin' through his head. 'Cept that he kept thinkin' how if it weren't for me..."

She gave another laugh, because it was better than crying again.

"He used to argue with Sierra about me. Telepathically, so I wouldn't hear, but sometimes I heard anyway when he got agitated. It's cause of her things're so bad between us. Just wait until she's not a kid anymore. She's dangerous. I didn't let on that I heard, but... I heard."

Brisa flinched, not sure if sharing that was worth the chance Starr would keep making her laugh.

"Ah, it's not like it matters any more. Nobody's seen ear nor tail of him since he disappeared, so I figure he's in the human world now."

 

[Chibi Pika]

"Ah, it's not like it matters any more. Nobody's seen ear nor tail of him since he disappeared, so I figure he's in the human world now."

Starr blinked. Right, Brisa had said he'd disappeared... apparently that meant literally.

"Sure wish my dad would mcfuckin' vanish one day; that'd be real neato," Starr said dryly without thinking. She wasn't sure why she'd said it and didn't really have any intent to elaborate. Thinking about him made her sick.

In an effort to kill that train of thought, she glanced back at Brisa and forced a crooked smile. "Maybe your dad's from my world--gimme his address and I can break his shins when I get home."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa laughed again, and more tension left her. There was a wild thrill in hearing someone talk down 'Delphox Jesse Stranger, world-saving hero.' As she laughed, her fur surged and lit up the room further, along with Starr. She did her best to return the awkward smile with one of her own.

"I would if I knew it," she said, meaning it. "And... thank you. But hey. What about your pa? He give you a hard time too? If he ever shows up in my world, I'll return the favour and do something awful to him for ya."

 

[Chibi Pika]

Brisa was... laughing. And there was still something weird about that, being trapped in this hell pit with the person who'd hated her guts, no way out, making her laugh, and feeling... kind of okay with it. Not because things were okay (they weren't) but because one small thing was all right.

"But hey. What about your pa? He give you a hard time too? If he ever shows up in my world, I'll return the favour and do something awful to him for ya."

Starr's breath caught in her chest, and her guts felt like they'd been grabbed by an icy fist. "My dad. He..." Her brain filled up with a million unvoiced death wishes that were somehow impossible to actually say because her throat clenched up before the words could reach her tongue.

"He... went out of his way to give me special treatment all my life," she said quietly. "Gave me pretty much anything I wanted. Opportunities he wouldn't given to anyone else. Always told me how much better I was than everyone." She could hear it now, that smooth, calm, and confident voice with razor-sharp edge hidden just out of sight. Simple requests, easy requests. 'The others would jump at the chance, but I'm entrusting this to you. I can trust you, can't I? I know you can do it. I know you can make me proud.' And the words are said with all the appearance of warmth, but then why is there nothing but ice? There's the glimmering promise of how much easier it would have been to fall in line, to be everything she was supposed to be, because all she's been doing since then was failing to be something she's not. No matter how badly she wanted to cut it all away, to leave the edges torn and bloody, it was still there, and it was never going away, never.

She realized too late that she'd been digging her claws into her arm and desperately hoped that Brisa hadn't noticed. There was a sudden, angry flare of why should you care what she thinks of you? but it flickered out before it could catch fire.

"I don't want to talk about him," Starr finished, her words ice cold and emotionless.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa nodded, knowing better than to push. She wouldn't like that either. This was the first time she'd told anyone this much about Jesse, and it had run her ragged. Starr's father sounded so much the opposite, giving out praise instead of recriminations, but... wasn't that just another way of setting expectations a gal just couldn't meet? Expectations that might have something to do with... what Starr had mentioned earlier. Brisa could read between the lines on that one.

"Fine by me. I get that. What about your... your 'teammates'? You're a 'trainer', right? I've been hearing a little about that stuff. Humans with pokémon partners, battling together... I... I could stand to hear more about that. I- I mean, if you wanna share!"

She drew a little closer before she could stop herself, ears pricked forward to listen closely.

 

[Chibi Pika]

A bit of the tension left Starr. Trainer stuff. Alright. She could talk about that. She'd gotten the impression that most of the Pokemon from worlds without humans found it strange. Hell, even amongst the humans, the only other trainer here was Cuicatl (and it had been so damn refreshing to talk to someone with a similar lifestyle). So it was pretty weird to see Brisa so eager to hear more about it. Maybe she just wanted to get off the previous topic too.

"Yeah, I'm a trainer. Been training for over six years now, which is pretty wild. Only picked up journeying again last year though. My team and I, we travel around a lot now. I'm... not a big fan of staying in one spot." She decided to leave out the part where it wasn't safe to settle down in one spot too long.

"Training is... well, I guess it's a pretty casual thing for most people. Just a way for kids to get out and see the world and find their way on their own, that sort of thing. Most people don't keep at it full-time. One of my friends is into competitive battling--I don't think I've ever managed to beat her. Kinda embarrassing since I've been a trainer longer, but whatever." Starr shrugged. She wasn't sure exactly how far to keep going with this. It felt weird to share, but talking was better than the alternative.

"My life's in... kind of a weird spot back home. I never planned to go into competitive, so it's sort of odd for me to be on a journey at my age. Gives my team the chance to fight new opponents since they get bored just sparring with each other, so there's that. Usually they're the ones dragging me to the gym or wherever." She paused. "Just trying to figure out what to do with my life, I guess." It wasn't something she'd ever thought she'd have to think about, before.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa nodded and listened, rapt despite how little any of this meant to her.

"I'd love to travel," she said, without thinking. "I mean, I wander a lot, but only for my patrols."

Starr seemed amenable enough to listening, so she continued.

"I said I beat the shit outta bandits. That's part of the job, but mostly I walk around the borders of the greater township day in, day out. I've never been anywhere else. See... Sometimes travellers want an eye on their caravan. Sometimes a mon gets trapped in a residual mystery dungeon. It's usually me that bails 'em out. And yeah, sometimes, some two-piece outlaw thinks they can muscle in on the town, and I have to put 'em within an inch of the reaper."

She smiled awkwardly. "I'm sorry I don't know how to talk to people," she said, surprising herself. "I wasn't exaggeratin' when I said I've lived alone for years and don't know anyone. I tried applyin' to the Ranger Union for official recognition, so's I could get assigned a partner, but you need a sponsor, and nobody'll sponsor- ...never mind."

Brisa huffed, and her glow dimmed a little. "I don't know much about pokémon trainin'. I gather it works differently in this or that world. But I just... I don't know. I want to battle, I want a purpose, and I want people who'll stick by me. I thought our mission on Cibus might be that. I ain't doin' too well at that so far, though. Maybe what you have with your team is more my speed."

She cut herself off, feeling a sharp and unwelcome yearning tighten her throat.

 

[Chibi Pika]

Starr chuckled under her breath. So even their respective jobs were complete opposites. Somehow that wasn't too surprising.

I want to battle, I want a purpose, and I want people who'll stick by me. I thought our mission on Cibus might be that. I ain't doin' too well at that so far, though.

Starr gave her a sideways glance. She couldn't really see where Brisa was getting that. "Seemed like you got on well with most of the team. That's kinda why I half-expected they'd all hate me by now since you, well... y'know."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

"Get on with the team? Are you kiddin'?" Brisa laughed again, a wild high edge to it this time. "Did I not mention that Curio called me half the things Jesse used to? She doesn't want me. She knows what I am. And it's not just her. I fucked things up with you soon as meet you, over fuckin' nothin', for a roselia who I'm pretty sure I've spooked off by now anyway. I've been avoiding Astrid ever since I fought you because I'm too ashamed to look her in the face. And I'm pretty sure I make half the rest of 'em some kind of uncomfortable."

I half-expected they'd all hate me by now since you, well... y'know.

"Wait, what did you mean? Why would they all hate you? I know Curio doesn't. I'm the one who started a stupid, pointless grudge."

She looked hard at Starr for a second.

"...you thought they'd... pick me over you, or somethin'?"

Her glow flickered. Her face and ears burned with shame. Gods, she'd fucked up so bad.