Pokémon Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Path of Valor

[Negrek]

Hey, Ambyssin! I've been meaning to check this story out for a while now, so I'm glad that BLC prizes gave me a good excuse to do so. I'll be talking in general about the chapters posted so far for this review.

I really like how you capture the feel and themes of the different pokémon generations with your stories, then go on to put your own spin on them and use them to build something new. Guiding Light was obviously very Gen VII focused, and I'm enjoying the Gen VIII here in this story quite a bit. In particular I'm intrigued by the parallels between Vortex/Arianna and Rose/Oleana. Rose's whole "energy crisis in 1k years so I'm gonna awaken dynamax demon" thing was handled so, so badly in SwSh, but it had the potential to be a really interesting, so I'm really curious to see where you go with it. Vortex is probably one of the most interesting characters to me thus far; it's clear he's not nearly as ditzy as his posturing would suggest, and I'm curious just what his almost rabid focus on hope means. In a PMD world where you have something like Dark Matter floating around, it almost seems like you might develop some kind of focus on hope, happiness, positive thinking, whatever to try to counteract the fact that your negative thoughts will coagulate into the literal embodiment of despair, but no idea if that's related to this somehow. I'm definitely interested in learning more about his energy crisis, why exactly he's so insistent on the Crowne Cup going on as planned, and in general what he's angling for in the midst of all this mess. I'm also curious to see whether/how you incorporate any of the DLC lore into the story, in particular because a lot of it concerns legends, and it seems like the Radiant Guard has a surfeit of those.

Yuna's a soft and good bean, and I think she's going to be a fun character to follow throughout the story. Despite her timidity, she already shows some flashes of spine, and she seems to have rather heroic inclinations. Her devotion to Bahamut is also interesting... Of course, I know him mostly through RP, so I have no idea to what extent he'll actually appear in this story, but it's intriguing all the same. In general you have a knack for creating heartwarming and quirky characters; Yuna's whole retinue is a bunch of sweeties. Noctum in particular, with his stamp collection and eternal enthusiasm, is just adorable. Ordinarily I would say I sure hope nothing bad happens to him, wink wink nudge nudge, but I'm honestly not sure at this point if we're going to run up the huge "cute secondary character dead or worse" count of Guiding Light! There definitely are some dark elements at play here, which is notable even from the opening scene. Which is a fun one, for that matter; the Galarian birds literally being corrupted versions of Kanto's trio is a fun concept and fits well with what we know about their lore.

At this point I don't know how much I can say about the broader plot; we've only gotten little glimpses. The structure of the Crowne Cup just got explained, but even there I feel like there's loads of places you could take it, all sorts of different challenges you could come up with. The boarding school format is an interesting one to work with, since it gives you so many opportunities for adventure in the form of the Crowne Cup activities, while also providing a cozy, familiar setting where your characters can hang out and interact in their downtime. You clearly enjoy designing elaborate battles and dungeony environments, so it'll be fun seeing what you come up with for this story! Meanwhile, the idea of spreading dungeons and distortions is a threat that's pretty common among PMD stories, but is always a fun one, IMO. You can do a lot with that creeping sense of dread and familiar places slowly getting warped beyond recognition. I'm looking forward to when that threat starts to hit closer to home and even the noblest kids find themselves in danger. Lots of opportunities there for character development and shifting attitudes and loyalties!

Right now I feel kind of overwhelmed by the number of characters that have been introduced. We haven't really gotten to spend a lot of time with the various students in particular, so they're still pretty firmly settled in their various archetypes: the rebellious devil-may-care troublemaker who secretly cares a lot, the stuck-up rich popular kid, etc. We've kind of been flung facefirst into the plot, both with the Crowne Cup and whatever's going on with the phantoms and the Radiant Guard and so on, but what I'd like to see is a little space to let the characters and setting breathe a bit. You've dropped a fair number of worldbuilding tidbits to do with the dungeons, the Aeon Kingdom vs the Kingdom of Radiance, the whole thing with ether (which basically seems like it powers magitek?), but I still don't feel like we've seen a great deal of it in action in the story so far. Yuna's noted a couple of times that something seems to be ether-powered, but it seems like those sorts of technological advancements should have made life in the Kingdom of Radiance way more different than it is in the Aeon Kingdom beyond a few gadgets Yuna's unfamiliar with. All in all it doesn't seem to me like Yuna's really had a chance to really flounder in that "fish out of water" feeling of being in a completely different culture up until now--there's simply been too much else going on to distract her. It feels to me like you've constructed a pretty lively world, here, but I don't have much of a sense of what it looks like or how it works yet. I'd love to see more of those gemstone-crusted houses, etherworks marvels, this big old school full of noble kids! Doesn't need to be chapters' worth of exposition by any means, but I think taking some time to let Yuna explore the setting a little more, kind of hang out and feel what the rhythm of normal life is like at the academy would give you a nice opportunity to expand on both the world and the characters and give them a bit more life and color.

I also think that giving Yuna a break from momentous events would also help me get to know her a bit better. In the story so far she's pretty much been crashing from one crisis to another and simply having to deal with things being thrust upon her: new (and difficult) Crowne Cup teammates, multiple attacks by forces both mundane and sinister, and even this whole deal of being sent to a different kindgdom for school. She hasn't really gotten to do what she wants, but... what does she want? In the conversation with her parents she makes it clear that she'll do whatever she needs to to become the sort of ruler the Aeon Kingdom needs. Is it down to a sense of duty, or coming from a real love of her country and its people? Is she eager to grow up and take her place at the helm of the kingdom, or is she more frightened and uncertain? Wishing someone else could be princess, or secure with her place in the world?

There were a couple minor things that confused me. First, it seemed like Yuna suddenly gained knowledge of the Crowne Cup in Chapter Four. Even when her parents showed up, she was still saying she didn't know what the whole thing was about, and we don't actually hear anything about the mechanics at the opening party, but then when it comes to talking strategy, Yuna seems to know what's up with the labyrinth and so on without anyone needing to explain. She also seems unfamiliar with dungeon items when she's out with Noctum and the cart and wondering how she'd even hold any of them, but then when the actual Crowne Cup challenge starts she's sling orbs around like nothing could be more natural.

Minor point: at one time Nikki's goggles are referred to as wise glasses, and at another as choice specs. Presumably they're wise glasses, since we see her use electric attacks after her boomburst and before they get removed.

Now that the team is stuck in detention, I wonder whether we'll get more of an introduction to the school side of things. If nothing else, it seems like we're going to get to prod at Nikki a bit more; she sure seemed distressed all of a sudden after her ruse got found out! The team's only just met up, so hard to say how the character dynamics are going to shake out long-term, but it's going to be fun seeing how things develop and to learn more about them. To whatever extent we can, since most of them are pretty closed off! There's a lot going on in these opening chapters, and it looks like you've got another grand adventure in the works. It's great to see you getting started on another story, even if you can't devote as much time to it as you'd like, and I hope you have a good time trying out a new genre and a new world!

 

[WildBoots]

Hi, Amby—here with thoughts on Chapter 1.

As per your review preferences, I’m mostly going to talk about what I understand to have happened, noting places where I was unsure. I’ll talk about characters a little, but we don’t know a ton about any of them yet at this stage, so it won’t be my focus.

We open on a moltres, a zapdos, and an articuno guarding a giant, purple needle. As far as I can tell, this is a literal needle but big. It’s magical somehow, but I don’t really know in what way except that Shiva feels like it’s staring at her. We don’t know what they’re guarding it from yet. They’re wearing uniforms of some kind. They talk some smack about court politics: dragons bad, new advisor to the empress (also a dragon? Unclear) is suss, a dragon princess will be joining their academy—also suss.

"Careful, Captain, lest you sound like some of those haggard beggars proclaiming the end of days are upon us." Douglas chuckled, releasing more vapors from his head. Shiva thought back to the previous week, when she had threatened some wretched, rag-covered, helmet-wearing mishmash of a homeless mutt with arrest for parading around the town square of Horizon Gardens with a poorly-drawn sign around his neck.

This is a little weird. Earlier, premonitions of the ends of days were being associated with the empress’s court. Now they’re being associated with homelessness and probably mental health disorders. Not sure how much of Shiva’s scorn is about this person being a “mutt” here, how much is that she’s sensitive to and distrustful of premonitions, and how much this is her job. There is apparently a lot of homelessness, and the response of knights (?) and/or the city is mostly to arrest them. Gives the sense that the city is dealing with some serious inequality and that the knights or city guard can and do arrest whoever they want. Shiva is less sympathetic for me here.

We don’t get a chance to see too much of their personalities, but Shiva is generally professional and is also more inclined to give the dragon princess the benefit of the doubt. The moltres is more inclined to give in to prejudice. He also seems a bit hung up on physical strength and type matchups; he comes off as ... hotheaded ... and is probably not an inventive strategist.

a moltres

Interestingly, there may be other moltres, zapdos, and articuno around somewhere.

They’re joined by Douglas, who is a minister of something and I think is their boss. I was confused when he entered the scene—also, it felt like he was entering the scene and not like he’d been there all along, which I’m not sure was your intention. I thought for a good while that one of the birds somehow had a last name and I had to double back and reread. Shiva thinks he’s creepy. A few thoughts on him:

The pink ribbons adorning his breast jingled softly.

What are these ribbons made of that they jingle??? Might want to clarify, something like “the ribboned bells adorning his breast.” (Also, wait, what is the “breast” on a weezing?)

Even though she'd spent plenty of time around him, seeing Lord Weezing Douglas speaking through two mouths always unsettled her.

This was a fun detail, but I wanted to know more. Are they talking at the same time? Alternating?

but didn't want to say anything for fear of upsetting Lord Douglas. She didn't want to give off the impression that she thought the good Minister was beneath her and her fellow officers.

I wasn’t clear what their relationship was and what the consequences of being rude to him would be. Losing their jobs? Public shaming? Demotion? Slap on the wrist? Death??

Next, there’s an attack from a phantasm. I don’t know if this is a ghost-type or something else, but it has fire and rock attacks. It also has a relationship to the needle, which surprises everyone. I don’t really know what the needles are supposed to be, or what these guards think it’s supposed to be, so the revelation didn’t hit me as hard as I think might have been intended.

For reasons I wasn’t totally clear on (just prejudice?), Shiva is quick to blame the dragons.

in the direction of Quetzal's attack.

What she found, however, was a cloud of black shadows surrounding a black, crystalline plague mask.

I had trouble picturing here how big it is and where it sits relative to the rest of them. The mask is an interesting detail though!

The phantasm wrecks them, killing Douglass and badly injuring the rest. Either it’s rare for phantasms to have rock attacks or this team of guards was not well-planned. The phantasm turns the birds into their Galarian forms (which, oops, was already what I was picturing) and puts masks on them. They seem to have their own will and voices still but can’t control their bodies?

How could it destroy a Needle so effortlessly?

The phantasm uproots the needle, which apparently destroys it. I don’t really have context for how effortlessly it does this or what this means.

Then we cut to our dragon princess, Yuna. She’s having nightmares (I think?) about ???, which cause her physical pain. She dismisses it, but is having trouble sleeping because she’s anxious about starting her new school. She takes a sleeping aid, knowing she won’t be allowed to have it at the dorms. She seems nervous and homesick, but I don’t know much else about her character yet.

Remember the family creed, Yunavresca: seize the day by the horns!"

Her father's deep voice rumbled in the back of her head. She pictured the duraludon throwing his metal head back in a hearty laugh

I do get the impression that her family comprises a variety of species, but I did think it was odd that a dragon with no horns would take this as a personal mantra.

Again, she channeled her night-vision.

I was also unsure why she seemed to be turning this power on and off.

Presumably, the next chapters will focus on Yuna arriving at the school, getting settled in the dorms, and facing a lot of anti-dragon prejudice. I don’t really know yet what role the birds will play in the academy—were they teachers or just the guys standing guard outside?—but I guess we’ll find out eventually. I do wonder why the birds are allied with the fairies against the dragons. I’m also hoping the next chapter touches on why Yuna is being sent to this place that seems distrustful of and hostile towards her. We don’t know anything yet about what this academy is. Is it basically a school or more like a place where knights are trained? I’m guessing that’ll come up next chapter, too.

This was an interesting origin story for the Galarian legendary bird forms though! I haven’t kept up with the DLCs, so I have no idea what canon has to say about it, but I feel like so far it works for this setting.

I hope that temperature read was useful! Good luck on your next chapters (and with school)!

 

[Ambyssin]

As usual, your writing is just fantastic. I'm really enjoying this story. I can even see it making a very engaging anime TV show!

Aww, shucks. Thank you.

I really want to know more about what's going on with the ominous Null. Like... is he working for the plague mask Phantom? Or is he some kind of side villain? Either way, I look forward to seeing how he plays out, because he's a very interesting antagonist and super creepy.

He would just tell you that he's but a mere omen, not answering your question at all.

As for the Legendary Bird Trio... are they feral now?

No. Just stripped of free will (i.e. brainwashed).

I appreciate the Danganronpa reference here XD

Puhuhuhu...

I wonder how Xeromus is or if he even is related to Despair. He probably is, but it'd be interesting to see.

Only time will tell...

On the other end, it's pretty cool that Nikki knows how to use Boomburst and it was kinda smart to immediately take out most of the competition

It's much nicer starting out with more experienced pokémon and not having to write tackle battles. XD

There's certainly a deeper motivation behind it, likely tied to some insecurity or stubbornness of hers.

That's a good guess.

That may happen sooner than we might think with Chiaki and Wyrm thing's comrades getting attacked by a phantom.

Bold of you to assume it hasn't happened already. :P

Someone please protect Yuna, she does not deserve any of this. ;-; Someone protect Noctum too, he's trying his best. And Baraz, he's sweet, and it's not his fault he looks like that.

Compared to Shane's mixed reactions, I'll take this as a win! XD

And I see we're going all out with the boarding school tropes, aha. Right down to the student body being sorted into teams and thrown into a big ol competition

Is that really a trope? I seem to have forgotten all the school-based media I've consumed in my youth.

Sure would be nice if mr. doomsday cult felt like saying wtf being a slave to the ether means.

I'm pretty sure he would just lambast you for asking that. :^)

(Still... interesting that she's apparently got some tie to Natus that he can detect.)

That all depends on whether or not you believe he's a reliable source of information. Doooo yooooou?

Rayquaza? o__o

Maybe :V

I'm enjoying the Gen VIII here in this story quite a bit. In particular I'm intrigued by the parallels between Vortex/Arianna and Rose/Oleana. Rose's whole "energy crisis in 1k years so I'm gonna awaken dynamax demon" thing was handled so, so badly in SwSh, but it had the potential to be a really interesting, so I'm really curious to see where you go with it

You could argue that part of SwSh is largely an excuse plot so legends can show up for legend stuff. Hence why I've shortened the timetable considerably, for starters.

I'm also curious to see whether/how you incorporate any of the DLC lore into the story, in particular because a lot of it concerns legends, and it seems like the Radiant Guard has a surfeit of those.

Aha ha... I've already had to make shifts. 😓

In general you have a knack for creating heartwarming and quirky characters; Yuna's whole retinue is a bunch of sweeties. Noctum in particular, with his stamp collection and eternal enthusiasm, is just adorable

Again, I will take it! :V

the Galarian birds literally being corrupted versions of Kanto's trio is a fun concept and fits well with what we know about their lore.

I'd like to think I was on to something since Crown Tundra pre-release materials claimed these birds might not actually be real articuno, zapdos, and moltres, they just kind of reminded someone of them. Peony backs this up, too.

You clearly enjoy designing elaborate battles and dungeony environments, so it'll be fun seeing what you come up with for this story!

I'm actually trying to greatly shorten the length of fight scenes, hence why most stuff here has been short so far.

Right now I feel kind of overwhelmed by the number of characters that have been introduced. We haven't really gotten to spend a lot of time with the various students in particular,

Correct. That's because I pretty much went with the polar opposite of Guiding Light's very slow opening. Some people liked it, but it did take far too long to address the greater scope plot. I wanted to put that stuff in the open right away before showing off more of this stuff.

but what I'd like to see is a little space to let the characters and setting breathe a bit

It's coming, I swear. I think. I hope.

All in all it doesn't seem to me like Yuna's really had a chance to really flounder in that "fish out of water" feeling of being in a completely different culture up until now--there's simply been too much else going on to distract her. It feels to me like you've constructed a pretty lively world, here, but I don't have much of a sense of what it looks like or how it works yet. I'd love to see more of those gemstone-crusted houses, etherworks marvels, this big old school full of noble kids

I will... try to remedy that.

First, it seemed like Yuna suddenly gained knowledge of the Crowne Cup in Chapter Four. Even when her parents showed up, she was still saying she didn't know what the whole thing was about, and we don't actually hear anything about the mechanics at the opening party, but then when it comes to talking strategy, Yuna seems to know what's up with the labyrinth and so on without anyone needing to explain

Ah, it was part of the instructions she was given for that item shopping she did. @.@

It’s magical somehow, but I don’t really know in what way except that Shiva feels like it’s staring at her. We don’t know what they’re guarding it from yet.

Yeah, it's meant to be "big, mysterious object."

Not sure how much of Shiva’s scorn is about this person being a “mutt” here, how much is that she’s sensitive to and distrustful of premonitions, and how much this is her job. There is apparently a lot of homelessness, and the response of knights (?) and/or the city is mostly to arrest them

Her worry has more to do with the type of pokémon she's referring to, but it was a "disturbing the peace" sort of situation.

Interestingly, there may be other moltres, zapdos, and articuno around somewhere.

Correct. These are not gods.

it felt like he was entering the scene and not like he’d been there all along, which I’m not sure was your intention

No, it was. He entered at this point.

I don’t know if this is a ghost-type or something else, but it has fire and rock attacks. It also has a relationship to the needle, which surprises everyone. I don’t really know what the needles are supposed to be, or what these guards think it’s supposed to be

It's just... a phantom. No readers are really meant to know what it is.

I had trouble picturing here how big it is and where it sits relative to the rest of them.

That's the intent, because it's predominantly just a bunch of shadowy wisps and it's already nighttime. So, beyond the mask, you can't be sure.

The phantasm wrecks them, killing Douglass and badly injuring the rest. Either it’s rare for phantasms to have rock attacks or this team of guards was not well-planned.

Actually, the move described was Max Rockfall, so it was more them not being prepared for a Max Move out of nowhere. Gen 8 mechanics and all that.

I did think it was odd that a dragon with no horns would take this as a personal mantra.

Or he married into the family that already used said motto. :P

This was an interesting origin story for the Galarian legendary bird forms though! I haven’t kept up with the DLCs, so I have no idea what canon has to say about it

Right now canon is like "well, these kinda look like the kanto birds, but they're not, but we'll call 'em by the same names anyway." XD

Thank you all for reviewing!

 

[Ambyssin]

Chapter 6: Dynaforced Into a Corner​

Noctum wished Vortex wasn't dragging him to some sort of urgent meeting. He would love to have spent more time admiring Horizon Academy's central courtyard. So many colorful flowers he'd never seen before in the dreary crags of Drasbraznav. A bed of roses sat on his right, alternating between columns of white, lavender, and pink. To his left were tulips interspersed with… some sort of pink flower with a yellow center.

"Um, Mr. Chancellor, what kind of flower is that?" He pointed a black finger to his right.

"Begonia." Vortex's gaze stayed fixed in front of him, yet he added, "And try to wipe that childish grin off your face. You're meeting with nobility. It's unbecoming of a charizard to fawn over flowers."

"Oh. Sorry." Noctum's tail flame dimmed. It wasn't like Vortex could understand. The other charizard hadn't spent his life tucked away behind volcanos. "It won't happen again, sir."

"Of course it won't." Vortex tucked his free hand into his coat pocket. The other clutched his golden cane. "Because you'll only speak when spoken to. I'll handle everything else."

"Err, shouldn't we at least introduce ourselves?" Baraz tapped his tiny claws together. "If this 'Commander Seifer' person is going to guard the princess, it might help if we got to know one an—"

Vortex stuck his cane into Baraz's path. The dracozolt stopped short and lightning crackled down his upper half. "Speak only when spoken to," Vortex repeated. He brought his cane back to his side. With a deep breath, he regained his cheerful expression and continued forward.

His attitude struck Noctum as a stark contrast to yesterday, where he'd been upbeat even in the face of the King and Queen's scrutiny. Then again, Noctum did recall getting a few icy looks from Vortex yesterday. Did the other charizard have some sort of beef with him? Noctum couldn't fathom why. It wasn't like Vortex could be jealous of his looks or anything. Murky, black scales didn't make Noctum a piece of eye candy. Regardless, he'd have to pay closer attention to Vortex and see if he was on to something.

The trio approached the circular, stone-laden center of the courtyard. Noctum struggled to keep his expression neutral while studying the central fountain. It was made with some fancy azure stone he'd never seen. Evenly-spaced, white crystal stripes ran along the sides of the fountain. Atop it sat a glass sculpture of the kingdom's heroic monarch and the school's founder: Queen Zacian Calliope. At least, that was what Noctum saw on the plaque at the base of the fountain. But it matched what he'd heard from Calcifer and Yiazmat. A dog with tassel-like strands of fur and armor jutting out of its head and shoulders. It gripped a sword with a glistening ruby in its hilt.

Though Noctum could scarcely understand why any pokémon would need an actual weapon. Weren't their own attacks sufficient?

"They're late," Vortex announced, pulling out a gold pocket watch from his gray suit's breast pocket.

"Well, you said they're nobility, right? Maybe they're coming from something important?" Baraz offered a sympathetic smile.

"I opted to skip the Crowne Cup's brand-new preliminary round for this," Vortex explained. "The least they could do is not waste my time. Though, knowing Demerzel, he's doing this on purpose."

Baraz tilted his head. "Demerzel?"

"One of Queen Isola's advisors, I think," Noctum said. The name had come up in the past, but he couldn't remember what the Aeon royals thought of him.

As if the conversation had summoned someone, a beam of light shot down from the sky behind Vortex. It expanded into a ball, then disappeared. Noctum recognized one of the pokémon; he'd seen pictures of the equine with the large blue horn. In the stories of Bahamut, he had several trusted allies he bestowed with some of his light. And this Siefer fellow looked just like one of them.

The other pokémon, however, was one that he'd never laid eyes on. Floating behind Seifer, he adjusted the black and purple beads around his neck.

"You're late, Demerzel." Vortex glared at the newcomers.

"Apologies, Vortex." Demerzel crossed his suspiciously-long legs and pressed a paw to the enormous bulb atop his head. "I was having some trouble getting my teleportation to work properly."

"You forgot the 'Chancellor.'" Vortex planted his cane between two cobblestones and leaned against it. Noctum didn't need to be psychic to see there was bad blood between these two, but it wasn't his place to pry.

"My goodness." Baraz's wagging tail thumped against the ground. "I had heard that Queen Isola employed descendants of Bahamut's Luminary Sages… but to think I'd actually get to see one with my own two eyes." Of course, Noctum knew Baraz's beady little eyes could only sparkle so much. The dracozolt waddled up to Seifer. "I'm Dracozolt Baraz. It's an honor to meet you."

He stuck out a tiny hand. Seifer looked at it like he was being handed a filthy dish rag. "Bahamut? Sages? What are you blathering about?" Seifer said, an eyebrow raised.

"They're Aeons, Commander." Demerzel brought his nubby hands together. "They believe Etherium was created by a giant light dragon they call Bahamut."

"Oh. Right." Seifer rolled his eyes. "You would do best to keep that Bahamut drivel to a minimum. Here in the Kingdom of Radiance, we believe in hard science. Etherium didn't just pop into existence because some dragon willed it to be."

"Err, r-right. Terribly sorry." Baraz stepped back. Some of the luster in his feathers died down. Noctum offered him a consolatory smile. He wanted to stand up for his partner, but it was more important that he keep the Radiant nobility happy. The treaty was too important to put in jeopardy, even if Seifer was questioning their beliefs.

Noctum thought it best to change the subject. "Forgive me, Mr. Demerzel, but I've never seen a pokémon like you before. What species are you?"

"A whimsicott," Demerzel replied. Before Noctum could object, the beads around his neck glowed. "Yes, I realize that I do not look anything like one. When I was young, I got sucked into a mystery dungeon. Though the Radiant Guard rescued me, the distortion mutated my body. Hence my appearance."

"And your, errm, psychic powers?" Noctum rubbed his horns. His head had gone fuzzy right before Demerzel predicted his question. A telltale sign of a psychic.

"Yes. So, I suppose it wasn't all bad." Demerzel shrugged.

"That's all well and good, but can we get on with this?" Vortex had his watch out again. "We're burning daylight."

"It's always business with you, Chancellor." Demerzel sighed. "Pleasantries are important, you know." He nudged his neck-beads. "For someone who claims to be big on diplomacy, I figured you would understand."

"Not to worry, Counsellor." Seifer waved him off with a forehoof. "I have no intention of making nice with a couple of haggard dragons." He paused. "Or, rather, a dragon and a would-be dragon."

Noctum ignored the jab, knowing it was meant for him. However, it was Vortex's tail that flared up. Noctum silently looked down at his feet. He figured a descendant of Saint Keldeo would display the same caring, protective attitude his ancestor was known for, but he was clearly wrong. Still, he'd have to put up with it. It was for the good of his home, after all.

"You should at least let this charizard introduce himself." Demerzel pointed to Noctum. His eyes glistened with pink energy. "It would be quite unbecoming for the Radiant Guard's junior commander to be so impolite as to not even refer to someone under his protection by name."

Like with Vortex earlier, Demerzel's words drew a flash from Seifer's horn. He quickly composed himself as he turned to Noctum. "Of course. Go on."

It took a moment for Noctum to catch on that that was his cue. "Noctum, sir. At your service." He adjusted his utility belt.

Seifer looked him over. The charizard tightened his grip. Was his outfit— or, rather, his lack of outfit being scrutinized? It wasn't like he had anything to wear. Noctum wanted to end the awkward silence, but was surprised when Seifer beat him to the punch. "So, you are attendants of Princess Yuna. How long have you worked for the royal family?"

"Fifty years," Baraz replied. "Queen Yiazmat wasn't even an egg yet."

Seifer quirked a brow, but said nothing. He looked expectantly at Noctum, who stood up straight and sucked in his gut. "Fifteen years, sir. I was found by King Calcifer when I was a Charmander and—"

Seifer raised a forehoof. "Not interested in the life story. Both of you could stand to be more succinct with your responses."

While Vortex nodded his approval, Demerzel tilted his head toward his right shoulder. "Good grief." He offered a smile. "Well, I would be happy to hear more about the two of you… perhaps over lunch or dinner?"

Noctum stiffened. Queen Isola's advisor wanted to dine… with him? His first instinct was that this was some sort of prank, but Demerzel's smile seemed genuine. Noctum's next thought was this was a trap. That one wrong move meant blowing up the whole treaty. He couldn't put that weight onto his shoulders.

Fortunately, he had a convenient excuse ready. "E-Err— I appreciate the offer, sir. But part of our responsibilities here includes helping with mealtime preparation."

"Oh my. Vortex is certainly keeping you busy." Demerzel chuckled into his paw. "Perhaps that's why you've less of a belly than the good Chancellor. You might be the leanest charizard I've ever laid eyes on."

Vortex snorted. "Are we done here, Counsellor?"

Sighing once more, Demerzel bobbed his bulbous head. "I suppose if our dragon friends can't come to me, I could drop by and join them for a spot of afternoon tea." He smiled at the servants. "How does that sound?"

"I'm not much of a tea drinker myself, but I'd be happy to make you some, sir," Baraz chirped.

Noctum still had a bad feeling about this. Perhaps it was just paranoia over how most of the Radiant citizens had treated him so far. Yes, that had to be it. After all, refusing such a generous offer would reflect poorly on Princess Yuna.

"Yeah, I'd be delighted, as well," he finally said.

"Splendid." Demerzel's black, triangular cape fluttered as he spun around. "I'll send a telegram to set up the date."

Noctum stared back blankly. "Tell-o-what?"

Seifer stepped in front of Demerzel before he could answer. "That'll do, Counsellor. I'd rather not stand here bored to tears while you try to explain this to them." He nudged Demerzel with his horn. Noctum wanted to object — he really had no clue what a tell-o-gram was — but decided against it. He figured Seifer might loosen up once Demerzel and Vortex were gone.

"Okay, I get the message." Demerzel hovered up toward the top of the fountain and looked at Noctum. "We'll be in touch, my dragon friend. Until then… may your days be ever bountiful!"

He grabbed the edges of his cape and curtsied to the group. Then, with a blinding flash from his neck-beads, he vanished before their eyes.

"Well then." Vortex clapped his hands together. "As much fun as this little get-together has been, I have a Crowne Cup to attend to. I'll leave you three to discuss any remaining formalities." He spread his wings and took to the skies before anyone could utter a word in edgewise. Noctum watched him fly over the western face of the Academy's square-shaped main building. His shoulders sagged and he exhaled loudly.

"Don't slouch over like that. It's unbecoming."

Something spiky jabbed Noctum in the shoulder blades. He abruptly stiffened and clutched at his back. He knew it was Seifer before even turning around. "S-Sorry, sir." Noctum cleared his throat. "Um, listen, those other two are gone now, so you don't have to be so, um, serious?" His words grew less confident the longer Seifer looked at him.

"I want to make something clear to you," Seifer said. "I'm not here by choice. If I had it my way, I'd be out dealing with all of these strange dungeons that just so happened to spawn right around the time you all showed up in this kingdom." He flicked his head to the right. His orange mane swished behind him.

Noctum quickly thought back to the conversation in Vortex's office the other day. So, Seifer had been investigating the newly-spawned dungeons. Had he found something out? Whatever the case, Noctum imagined he'd never get the keldeo to volunteer any additional information.

Maybe Saint Keldeo wasn't quite as selfless as the scriptures make him out to be.

"So, here's the plan," Seifer continued. "When Yuna needs to leave the campus, I will go along as her escort. I expect at least one of you to accompany me. Understood?"

"Yessir." Baraz's arm was too tiny to salute. "I was part of the army before serving the royal family, so—"

"I'd prefer it if you stayed behind." Seifer stuck his nose up. "No offense, but aside from your old age, you're… an odd sight, to put it mildly. You'll attract unwanted attention."

And a black-scaled charizard wouldn't do that? Noctum wondered.

"Best case scenario is Yuna gets eliminated from the Crowne Cup early and then you won't need me around," Seifer added.

"Wait, what?" Noctum thought the Crowne Cup was a yearlong endeavor for all the students. No one mentioned anything about eliminations. Did Yuna know about this? Did her teammates? Why hadn't anyone said anything to him? Sure, he had a tendency to worry, but that was because he wanted what was best for Yuna.

He was about to ask for details, but purple light suddenly washed across the courtyard. Instinct prompted him to turn and look up. Any exclamations got caught in his throat the moment he found the source: a literal tear in the open space above the fountain's statue. No, that wasn't quite right. It was as if someone had levitated one of the Academy's circular windows above the fountain, then shattered it. Though there was no glass to speak of.

"What in blazes—" Seifer hopped in front of Noctum. "Demerzel, if this is your idea of a joke, it's not in the slightest bit funny!"

"I take it that isn't a normal sight around here?" Baraz's feathers crackled with lightning.

"Of course not!" Seifer huffed. "You… Charizard. Go fly off and tell Vortex to get his tail back here this second."

Noctum didn't think it wise to leave Seifer and Baraz alone, but this guy was a military leader. He turned and took to the air, only to slam face-first into some sort of forcefield. At least, that was what he gathered from the ripples of purple light that spread out in a dome toward the sky tear. "Uh, Mr. Seifer, I think I'm stuck."

"Stuck? How can you be stuck?" Seifer's gaze remained fixed on the hole. "Quit messing around and—"

The fountain rumbled. Noctum turned back to the tear and heard… a yawn? Well, it started as a yawn. But it gradually grew in pitch and intensity until it was more like… some sort of yawn-roar. Like a grumpy kommo-o having its nap disturbed.

It was then Noctum realized something green had shown up in the sky tear. Instinct took hold and he dove toward Seifer. The keldeo protested as Noctum swooped back up. However, those protests disappeared when whet the sky tear spat out a snorlax bigger than the fountain. In fact, the snoralx crushed the fountain entirely under its girth.

Squawking in surprise, Baraz turned around. He whipped his tail back and forth, trying to dispel the dust and water vapor.

From his unwanted vantage point, Seifer whispered, "Mother of Calliope."

"That's… not a normal snorlax," Noctum added. Aside from its size, it had a godforsaken tree sticking out of its gut. Which lead to his follow-up question: "Do you think it's dead?"

The response came not from Seifer, but Snorlax itself. Another yawn-roar that filled the air with a noxious stench Noctum couldn't put into words. He nearly dropped Seifer when instinct told him to plug up his nostrils. Instead, his face paled and he held his breath.

"No. Now put me down so I can knock it out with my Secret Sword."

Wait, Seifer had a sword, too? What was it with these Radiants and fighting with weapons instead of proper attacks? Well, Noctum supposed that wasn't immediately important. He slowly descended when he saw Snorlax raise its right arm and slam it down on the ground. A fissure snaked forward, sending dust, grass, and cobblestone flying. Yelping, Noctum flapped his wings.

"Wait! I said down!" Seifer barked, but then he spotted the moving fissure and tensed. "On second thought… higher!"

Noctum wouldn't argue with that. There was one issue, however. "Ah, but what about Baraz!" He looked down to find the dracozolt slumping down, having run into the same forcefield as Noctum. "Baraz, get up!" he cried.

Seconds before the fissure would've plowed into Baraz, a dark blue blur carried him away. Noctum followed the blur until it slowed up and revealed… a garchomp? A cursory glance suggested it wasn't one of Dimitri's assistants. Yet, much like all the Aeons Noctum knew, Garchomp had only a single accessory: a black scarf wrapped around her left shoulder. And there was no notched fin, either.

"Charizard, pay attention!" Seifer snapped, prodding Noctum's belly with his horn. Yowling, Noctum dropped Seifer. Water shot out of the keldeo's hooves. He hovered beside Noctum, who wondered why he hadn't just done that at the start. "Did you see that?"

"The garchomp? Yeah. Is she one of yours?"

"What? The Radiant Guard would never employ a garchomp." Seifer rolled his eyes. "I'm talking about that attack. That was a Dynaquake!"

It took Noctum a second, but the realization quickly set in. "Th-then that snorlax—"

"Is using Dynaforce," Seifer said, eyes narrowed. Noctum raised a brow. Is that what they called the distortion's power in the Kingdom of Radiance? What a stupid name. "Distract it for me so I can get a good hit in."

"Rodger." Noctum flew into Snorlax's line of sight. "Uh, hey! Your breath stinks! Ever hear of mouthwash?"

Snorlax responded with another yawn-roar. Noctum threw his hands over his snout. I guess not.

"Watch your six, Charizard!"

The voice was unfamiliar. Noctum looked over his shoulder, then quickly dropped out of the air as a purple Dragon Pulse bolt raced by him. It was Garchomp. Purple wisps evaporated around the corners of her mouth. Beside her, Baraz shook off his dumbstruck state and zigzagged toward Snorlax's gut.

"Focus. A hit like that won't faze it," Garchomp growled. She took off running in the opposite direction.

"Y-Yeah." Noctum turned around to find purple splotches popping up along Snorlax's body. Had it been poisoned? How? He looked up at Seifer, but the keldeo was gathering energy in the brim of his horn. Which meant it had to have been Garchomp, yet she used Dragon Pulse. Though Noctum thought the purple color was a bit… off compared to what he was used to.

The crackling of electricity snapped him back to attention. Baraz skidded back from Snorlax's belly, staring down an imprint undoubtedly left from a Bolt Beak. Snorlax showed no signs of any pain, however. Nor did it seem to care that Noctum was standing right in front of it. The charizard made his presence known with a white-hot gust of fire. He aimed it at the tree roots digging themselves into Snorlax's gut.

Sure enough, they caught on fire. That, combined with an orange, sword-shaped beam from Seifer and another off-purple Dragon Pulse from Garchomp finally got a reaction. Another yawn-roar. Considerably more painful, if Noctum had to guess. The poisonous splotches also turned a darker purple. Now Noctum was sure Garchomp was behind it. The only question was how she was doing it.

There was no time to think it over. Snorlax raised both its hands. Noctum took off, thinking it wanted to flatten him. Snorlax caught him off guard by grabbing hold of its gut-tree — God, that was still disturbing to think about — and furiously shaking it. Noctum quelled his nerves and spat another Flamethrower, only to choke on his own flames when the fire splashed up harmlessly against… a giant berry?

No, there were several giant berries. All as big as he was! They dropped to the ground and, next thing Noctum knew, he was sucked into a tidal wave of berry juice. It was caustic. An invisible force trying to tear his scales off his flesh. He wanted to scream, but he risked drowning in berry juice.

At some point, he hit the ground tail-first. A shock ran up to his neck. Noctum wasn't sure which way was up and which way was down. All he knew was that he was sticky, drenched, and couldn't feel his tail. Though his vision was blurry, a stream of smoke and embers signaled his tail flame had burnt out. No wonder everything hurt so bad. His attempts to cry for help died out in his throat.

Just when he thought he'd black out, rough scales brushed his belly. Baraz? No, the colors didn't match. Garchomp, then?

The end of his tail warmed. The smoke turned back into a flame. Small, but better than nothing. The blurry vision faded, revealing the back of Garchomp's head. Pink berry juice stained her scales and dribbled down into a puddle by her feet.

"Still alive?"

Well, that was hardly a nice way of asking if he was doing okay. But Noctum would take it. "Yeah. Just feel like I got walloped by a Rock Slide, 's'all."

Garchomp kneeled down and slid Noctum off her back. "Your buddy's doing something weird."

Huh? Though his back protested, Noctum sat up. He saw Seifer standing in a daze, disheveled mane plastered over his face and the white stripes of his uniform stained with berry juice. But what was more concerning was Snorlax. It was reaching for its belly-tree again. And all the poisonous splotches had vanished along with the scrapes and scuffs the group's attacks had inflicted.

Baraz dashed toward Snorlax's head. An otherworldly, rainbow shimmer spread from his feathery crest down to his stubby tail. Noctum recognized it. Heck, he'd back Baraz up with the same thing if he wasn't so exhausted. Instead, he sat there while Baraz planted his feet firmly in the damaged ground.

Right when Snorlax gripped the branches of its tree, Baraz opened his beak. A high-pitched squawk rang out. "Khh!" Garchomp threw her arms against the sides of her head and stepped back from Noctum, swearing. Likewise, Seifer whinnied in surprise and reared up on his hind legs.

They had it easier than Snorlax, though. It tilted its head in Baraz's direction, only for its slitted eyes to shoot open. Red sclera greeted the group for a few seconds, before Snorlax yawn-roared. Its head fell back against the ground with a thud. The tree in its belly dissolved away in streams of brown, green, and purple.

Snorlax slowly shrank back down to a more reasonable size. Torn bits of white cloth drifted through the air. Baraz slouched over, wheezing through his beak.

"What just happened?" Seifer asked, trying to shake his mane dry to little avail. "Did you just stop that thing? How?"

"That," Baraz straightened himself up, "is the technique… we Aeons have used… to keep the distortion… under control." He took a few deep breaths. "Cosmic Blessing. That's what it's called."

Seifer's only response was stunned silence. Noctum looked down at his utility belt. Wet, but still intact. Her Majesty warned us against using Cosmic Blessing here. But what was Baraz to do? Noctum was still reeling over the whole giant berry thing. Nothing he'd read about Dynaforce lined up with that attack. Did that mean Snorlax had been turned into a Phantom?

"Oi, Charizard. Look at this."

A blade-tipped arm jutted out in front of him. It was Garchomp's. Her blade skewered a piece of white cloth that had the school's rose logo sewn into it. Noctum took the cloth and inspected it. He glanced up at Snorlax, then down at the cloth, then back up. "Wait a tic…"

Noctum gasped. He tried to stand up, but fatigue got the better of him. Garchomp managed to catch him before he fell on his rump. "Don't be stupid. You don't have the energy for that," she growled. "What's got you so worked up?"

"That snorlax… I think I remember seeing him during the banquet." Noctum held the cloth up. "He's the school's head chef!"

"I think you're right," Baraz called. He was standing beside Snorlax, sweeping up pieces of cloth with his tail. "The guy wore some kind of white button-down jacket. These scraps remind me of it."

"But the school has one of Polaris' barriers around it," Garchomp said. She clearly wasn't happy. "It sure seemed like Snorlax was hopped up on distortion. How did it get to him through the barriers?"

"Ridiculous." Seifer had finally found his voice, though his hair was still covering his eyes. "There isn't any distortion anywhere near here. There has to be another explanation."

"Or maybe these barriers are faulty." Garchomp shrugged.

Seifer had a retort repaired, but cut it short when a pair of bulky grimmsnarl in lavender guard uniforms came rushing out. "Good heavens!" one shouted. "What happened here?"

"A Phantom attack." Garchomp smacked her tail against a stone shard jutting out behind her. "Now, don't stand there gawking. Get someone in charge over here."

XxX​

"You're back quite soon. That is not a good sign."

Despair was right after all. Fraud's plan undoubtedly ended in failure. Yet there he was, swinging his icicle cane around his wrist and whistling jauntily as he tippity-tapped along a fallen stone column.

"Indeed. It would seem our opposition drew an unexpected wild card." Fraud adjusted his mask.

Another one? Despair groaned. A shadowy hand gripped the arm of his makeshift throne. He tapped his fingers against shards of rock. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"It wasn't a complete loss." Fraud tipped the bridge of his cap down. "I was able to make off with a small side pot." He gestured behind him toward the wall of black and gray distortion. A life-sized playing card with a plague mask appeared. It spun around, then spat out a nickit and a greedent.

"Oomph! Hey, easy on the merchandise," Nickit grumbled, trying to dust off his tail with his stubby legs. He looked over at Fraud. "What's the big idea, grabbing onto us without any warning?"

"I found these two hoodlums trying to sneak out of the school," Fraud explained. "It seemed they were already in trouble and thought they could use my Phantom Glutton's scene to make their escape."

"What do you mean?" Nickit puffed out his cheeks. "I wasn't using no scene. The great Nickit Carpaccio can escape from anything!"

"Uh, boss?"

"Not now, Rookie. I'm interrogatifying here."

"But boss." Rookie tugged at Carpaccio's tail and pointed to Despair. "We're not alone."

"Yeah, I can see tha— aah aaah aaah!" The moment Carpaccio laid eyes on Despair he jumped in fright and tried to bury himself in Rookie's fat tail.

If Depsair had eyes, he would've rolled them. He settled for slamming his spectral fist against a rock. "Why did you bring me a couple of clowns? Does it look like I'm running a carnival here?"

That got Carpaccio's attention. He poked his head up from behind Rookie. "H-Hey! The Crimson Zephyr ain't no clown. He's a master thief!"

"And an airhead, clearly," Despair scoffed. "After all, it takes a special type of ignoramus to refer to themselves in the third person."

"Hang on, slow down. Ignoramus ain't no real word," Carpaccio huffed.

"Uh, boss, I think he's calling you a dumb-dumb."

"I thought they'd make for a nice pair of expendable pawns," Fraud interjected, shuffling a deck of icy cards in his hands. "Lackeys I can take with me so you don't have to worry about stretching your precious energy too thin."

"Lackey?!" Carpaccio's face was practically bright red. "Listen here, Snooty-Shoes McGee, I ain't nobody's lackey."

Already tired of this conversation, Despair summoned another spectral hand and slammed it in front of Carpaccio and Rookie. "You seem to misunderstand, little boy. You're not in a position to negotiate."

Carpaccio looked at the giant hand and gulped. "W-Well, I certainly ain't about to work for free. A guy's gotta eat, y'know. What are you paying?"

Of course that was all this runt could think about. Such was the way this pathetic kingdom worked. The nobles were blessed with everything they could want and then some. The rest of the populace were left fighting over scraps of what was left over.

Despair levitated up from his seat. "Your 'payment'… will be getting to thank the cosmos each and every night that I allowed you to live another day." He drew on his fragile energy to cast a menacing red aura about him. "If you refuse, I'll simply kill you both now and take what little energy you have as my own."

Carpaccio's fur puffed out in fright.

"Now then, what say you, child?"

"O-Okay," Carpaccio squeaked. "Please don't eat me."

Satisfied, Despair drifted back. "Do with them as you please, Fraud. Just don't drag them here again."

Fraud dispelled his cards with a wave of his right hand. He bowed. "Understood."

 

[windskull]

It's been a bit, but I'm back with a review of chapters 1-5, which is probably how I'll be handling reviews for PoV going forward.

Chapter 1
Chapter one seems to be setting things off at a brisk pace, quickly setting up the framing of the story from Yuna's pov. (Side note and crazy theory here, I'm totally expecting the fact that point of view shares an abbreviation with path of valor to have some sort of meaning, though I suppose I'll have to wait and see if that's true.) And I have to say, while this isn't the only pmd fic I've seen that has fairy and dragon-run kingdoms that are at-odds with each other at best, I've never seen a pmd fic that uses a school (at this much of a scale at least, not counting the school framing of early PMD Super adaptations) as a framing device. I'm curious to see where that goes.

It feels like there's a lot of setup in this chapter for the smaller, earlier plots. I have to say, things are moving at a much brisker pace than early Guiding Light, and I can't help but be curious how grand the scale of this fic will be.

I thought it was interesting that Yuna had never seen a normal charizard before. I can't help but wonder if they're unusal where she's from and Noctum was the only one she'd met or if they're usually the shiny color where she's from.

I absolutely cannot remember why I wrote this note, but in my notes for this chapter I just have one that says "telephone crystals?" So I definitely found that interesting.

a quick typo note:

But the large size different

Should be difference.

Chapter 2
Gonna be real with you, when I saw you had a character named Shimmer, my mind immediately pictured your Shimmer and my Shimmer duking it out. I'm tempted to draw it if I ever have time.

So, we have mystery dungeons popping up all over the kingdom, huh? I wonder how long it will be before a whole city gets swallowed up into a dungeon. Or perhaps these dungeons are more controlled than one might think, based on stuff from later chapters. Hm...

Also, let's be real. Things are going to go VERY wrong with the Crowne Cup. No way this isn't going to somehow turn into at least one near-death experience. Or at bare minimum things aren't going to go smooth at all.

> Hope
> Professor Monokuma
*squints suspiciously*
If he's not a bewear we riot. /j

Chapter 3
I suppose it makes sense that a gym for pokemon would have to be large. Its a minor thing, but I like that you give some frame of reference for it's size: presumably 200 meters in either direction, which is decently large. It makes it just a bit easier to picture in my head and actually makes it feel big.

only to slow up

I don't know if slow up is an actual alternative to slow down? A quick search suggests that it probably is, but I'm going to go ahead and point this out because "slow up" tripped me up and I had to stop and figure out if it was intentional.

I didn't expect the title drop to be so early in the story, though I suspect it won't be the last time we hear about some "Path of Valor."

The effect the song has on Yuna (and the fact that the song is supposed to have special effects on pokemon at all) is a bit... concerning. I can't help but wonder if that'll be a plot element later, and if it'll be used against our heroes.

Great, so the trespasser what

*was

Also, that entire final scene... oh dear, this isn't going to go well.

Chapter 4
While technically ok, making this a nitpick, I don't typically think of a "sneer" as a sound, and instead an expression. Nothing wrong with it, but it did make me have to stop and wonder if that was correct and intentional.

Oh, oh dear, tampering with and forging mail between Yuna and her parents? Well, not only is that going to cause trouble, it's certainly going to come back and bite Vortex in the ass at some point, along with several other things I'm sure. Still, I'm really curious how he's going to manage to hide the forgery not only from Yuna, but also her retainers, and how long hiding these things will be able to last.

He... invented a round just to push back classes. Well, if there's one word I could use to describe Vortex, it would probably be "whimsical"

She settled for clutching her blanked

*blanket

Leon? Is that you?

Chapter 5
His name is Fraud? Lol. Well, it's not really, but it really is a suiting name. One nitpick about this scene, though, is that it felt like it might have dragged on just a little bit, possibly because of just how many actions were acted out in such a short period. It's really not that big of a deal though.

I really don't have much else to say on this chapter. The characters acted pretty similar to how I would expect them to in this situation. That said, it does introduce some hints about Nikki's backstory, which I'm definitely excited to see play out at some point in the future. Sir Vegna is also fun.



I would like to review chapter six, but my time right now is really limited, so I'm going to save it for another time and just give my overall thoughts on these five.

From a pacing perspective, I think you're doing pretty darn good. Things are getting set up fairly quick, but you still give enough breathing room for the characters to shine. I'm really enjoying the worldbuilding too; you've done a pretty good job of working all sorts of gen 8 lore into the story. All of the characters feel very distinct as well.

If there's one thing that just hasn't picked up for me yet, it's the current A plot. I'm certain that the plot with the phantoms and the spires is going to rain on Yuna's parade sooner or later, but as of right now, I'm just not fully on board with the school plot, especially when it feels like there's so many other interesting things going on in the background. But that's not to say the school plot is bad. Given time I could probably come to appreciate it, but right now I have my reseravations.

Even with those reservations in mind, though, I really am enjoying Path of Valor, and I hope to read more of it soon!

 

[Ambyssin]

Wind, I'm-a respond to you on Discord for convenience's sake. XP

XxX

Chapter 7: Grim and Bear It​

Arianna wound up teleporting all three members of Team Bastion to the student clinic. It was their second time there within the span of a few hours. With Yuna on the other side of the curtain, however, she was able to get more of a sense of her surroundings.

Some stuff was fairly routine. Metal dividers and plain white curtains gave people their privacy. Small, circular analogue clocks broadcasted the time. A few chairs — some padded, others plastic — offered places to sit. Two paintings hung on empty spaces of the tan walls. One had a bowl of fruit, the other rolling, green fields under clear blue skies. It reminded Yuna of the hills to the north of the Academy. This was confirmed when Yuna squinted to see a plaque under the painting reveal that, yes, it was a gift drawn by a former student.

Beyond that, however, things got murkier. There were metal poles that hung bags with fluids. Made sense. From what she'd learned, keeping someone hydrated was important when they were injured. And if drinking fluids was too painful, they needed other ways to manage.

But that was the only piece of equipment she truly recognized. There were locked white cabinets on wheels. Yuna saw an audino nurse produce a vile with some sort of clear liquid. The cabinet had dozens of other bottles filled with different-colored fluids, bags of powder, and seed-like objects. Her guess was medicine, but what was wrong with conventional berries and healing techniques?

And some of the things Dr. Rafique used to examine Noctum left Yuna completely clueless. First there was some sort of circular sleeve the nurse put on Noctum's arm. She squeezed a little bulb and the cuff puffed up like an angry wigglytuff. There was a tiny hammer that the zarude hit Noctum's elbows and knees with, then stroked the soles of his feet. The charizard seemed surprised that his toes reflexively curled against his soles.

"Um, is all of this stuff normal?" Yuna asked, head tilted. While Noctum was in a bed, Baraz sat on a chair behind Yuna. He'd already been cleared.

"Just part of the physical exam." Rafique leaned over Noctum. "Grab my fingers and squeeze as hard as you can."

"Oh." Yuna watched Noctum squeeze. Rafique straightened up, smiling.

"It looks like one Heal Pulse was enough to fix him up," he announced. "From the looks of things, he threw his back out. So, we did give him a small bit of analgesic for pain control."

"Anal… jee…" Yuna bit her lower lip. "I'm sorry. I don't know what that means."

"It's medicine that helps with pain," Arianna interjected.

Yeah, but how does it help? Yuna wondered. One look at Arianna's bored expression told her to keep that thought to herself.

"So, he's going to be okay?" Arianna confirmed, to which Rafique nodded. "Good." She nudged up her glasses. "In that case, I must be going. The Chancellor is still getting briefed on the situation."

Yuna frowned. "What about us? Isn't there anything else you can tell us?" She looked at Baraz. Of course she believed what the dracozolt told her, but it left her head spinning. "How does the head chef get turned into some kind of Phantom-like thing?"

Arianna pressed her glasses firmly against her face. "I wish I had answers for you, Princess. But I do not."

"Is the snorlax going to be okay?" Baraz's upper half quivered as he struggled to get his large hindquarters up from his plastic chair. "I know he attacked us, but it wasn't his fault."

"He was taken to an outside hospital, but I was told he's stable." Arianna looked down at her notebook. "Commander Seifer intends to interrogate him. Otherwise, I have nothing else to report. And standing here is only delaying my ability to get more information." She did a hasty about-face.

"Goodbye." The gardevoir flickered blue, then vanished in a flash of light. Behind Yuna, Rafique sighed.

"I really wish she'd go out into the clinic lobby before she did that." Rafique stuck his hands into his white coat's pockets and made his way over to the other side of the room, where Chiaki was conversing with a garchomp bracing her dorsal fin against the wall. Yuna guessed it was the helper Arianna mentioned. But that just begged the question of what Chiaki was doing with a dragon. Didn't this kingdom hate them? Seemed awfully boneheaded to bring one with him to this school.

"Yeah, great, cool. So, what now?"

Yuna looked to her left, where Nikki sat cross-legged on the floor, staring down at her lap. Vegna loomed behind her, while Talonflame was perched on the same chair Nikki sat in earlier. He mimicked Vegna's appearance, puffing out his feathers to look intimidating.

"As I said, your team will receive detention. Beginning tomorrow," Vegna declared.

"Seriously? On the first day of classes?" Nikki's mohawk frazzled.

"If you refuse, I can always extend it by an extra two days." Vegna's eye smoldered with a purple tint. It cast a glow on the floor tiles surrounding Nikki. Chiaki stopped his conversation to give the toxtricity a death glare.

"Fine. Whatever." Nikki crossed her arms and scowled. "Anything else?"

"I'm given to understand you will have some remedial lessons," Vegna replied.

Nikki rolled her eyes. "Lemme guess. Professor Monokuma?"

"No. Ministers Xiao and Lin."

Chiaki raised a brow at that. "They're the fighting-type Crowne Ministers. What would they want with us?"

"Do I look like a mind-reader, boy?" Vegna pointed an index finger at Chiaki, who abruptly stiffened.

"No, sir."

"Then ask the Ministers yourself when you see them." Vegna stuck out his right arm. Talonflame hopped onto it, then fluttered up to the skull gauntlet on Vegna's right shoulder. The dusknoir floated toward the exit.

"Wait, that's it? You're just leaving out of the blue?" Yuna asked. She regretted opening her mouth when Vegna turned his piercing glare toward her.

"I am. Thanks to this fiasco, the two trespassers I was interrogating escaped." Vegna shook his head. "I believe you're already familiar with them." He chuckled to himself. "Seems there's been a lot of trouble around here since you showed up. Perhaps I'm not the only one bearing a curse."

Yuna wanted to press Vegna's last statement, but the dusknoir threw the metal door open and floated off. Cursed? In what way? She looked to Nikki. "Hey, um, do you have any idea what Professor Vegna meant?"

"By what?"

"Y'know, the whole curse thing?" Yuna frowned. "I didn't think this kingdom was big on superstitions and stuff."

Smirking, Nikki pulled herself back onto the chair. "Well, you know what they say about when you assume…"

"Just give her a straight answer," Chiaki called, shaking his head disapprovingly.

Nikki swung herself right so she was sitting sideways with her legs dangling over the armrest. "And what if I don't want to give a straight answer? Maybe I don't swing that way?"

Chiaki pulled his cap over his face, muttering obscenities under his breath. Yuna looked between the two. "Um, I'm sorry, but now I'm just more confused. We're not at a park or a playground."

Nikki burst into howling laughter. She kicked the air with her legs. Yuna frowned. "I'm serious. Stop laughing at me!"

"It's slang people use when talking about who they're attracted to," Chiaki said, cap pressed firmly against his face.

"Oh." Yuna blinked. That was it? "You need slang for that?"

"Yeah." Nikki finally calmed down. "Why? You guys don't have terms for it?"

"Uh, no."

"Love is love. Plain and simple," Baraz added, bobbing his tiny head. He'd finally succeeded in freeing himself from the chair's vicious plastic grasp.

"And we're going off on a tangent, anyway," Yuna continued. "What's this about Vegna and curses?"

Chiaki lifted his cap back up. "It all has to do with his title."

His title? "You mean the Grim Reaper?" Yuna clarified. Chiaki nodded. "Okay. Why do people call him that, then?" The dreepy remembered Chiaki mentioning the Ministry of Justice. But besides that, and him being a ghost-type, nothing sprang to mind.

We do have that in common, though, she conceded.

"It's about his job." Chiaki crossed his arms against his black shirt. He bowed his head in thought. "As an inquisitor, Vegna prosecutes criminals for the government. From the records I've seen, he tends to focus on high-profile cases."

Yuna tapped her chin. "Like what?"

"Murders." Nikki put on a scary face and waved her arms around when Yuna paled.

"I see." Yuna gulped. "Then I guess… it's because he's, like, ruthless. Or really good at his job." He'd likely have to be to land a gig teaching at this school, right?

To her surprise, Chiaki frowned and rested his head on his claws. "I wouldn't necessarily say that. By all accounts… he's pretty average."

What? Yuna knew she was missing something. "Then why—"

Chiaki's expression darkened. "Vegna's called the Grim Reaper because the defendants that have been found innocent in cases he's prosecuted have all gone on to die in freak accidents not long after their trials."

Yuna took a moment to process Chiaki's claim. When she did, her tail shriveled up. Her mind quickly jumped to a seemingly-obvious conclusion: "Then… are you saying Vegna killed them?"

"Nobody knows," Chiaki replied. He looked up at one of the big light tubes on the ceiling. "The news always said Vegna had alibis when the accidents happened."

"So, the superstitious types spread a rumor that Vegna was cursed or some shit." Nikki dug away at her right ear frill with her index finger. She produced some wax that she balled up and flicked onto one of the nearby curtains. "And, thus, the Grim Reaper came to be."

Chiaki nodded. "'Those who set foot in the Reaper's court will soon find themselves in the Twilight Realm.' Or so the rumor goes."

Yuna's jaw hung open. "And the school was okay hiring someone like that?" How could nobody bat an eye?

"Her Eminence expressed her support for Vegna… and that sealed it," Chiaki said.

"Of course, that doesn't stop the rumor mills from turning. Or the tabloids from printing." Nikki was back to digging through her ear frill. Her other hand traced across a scratch on the chair's fabric. "Though, unless I'm mistaken, I don't think Vegna's tried a case since I first started at this school."

Maybe he retired, then? If Yuna had to put up with such serious rumors, she'd probably quit from all the stress. But then… was that a good quality for Aeon's future ruler? She'd have to face rumors of her own someday. Maybe it was something worth talking with Vegna about, if she could ever get past that intimidating demeanor of his. He certainly acted like someone dubbed the Grim Reaper.

"Well, if we're done with that, then I got a question for Twiggy." Nikki pointed her wax-coated finger at Garchomp. "Who's the broad you were having a pow-wow with earlier?"

Chiaki tipped the bridge of his cap down. "It's none of your business."

Garchomp waved Dr. Rafique off and stepped forward, bladed arms at her sides. "I'm Garchomp Valkyrie, Young Master Chiaki's bodyguard."

Nikki could barely hold back her laughter. "Young Master? Seriously? I didn't think you had that big a silver spoon, Twiggy."

"Step off it, Nikki," Chiaki growled.

Something about Valkyrie didn't add up for Yuna. "Wait. She's your bodyguard? But I've never seen her around you."

Valkyrie's eyes narrowed. "Because a good bodyguard knows how not to be seen or heard when they deem it necessary. Which is more than I can say for you and the old geezer." She pointed an elbow at Baraz.

"Err, well, I'm not so much a bodyguard as a helper." Baraz laughed nervously. Yuna concluded Valkyrie shared Chiaki's icy demeanor. Because she really needed another person like that around her.

"I'm still confused. Why do you even need a bodyguard, Chiaki?" the dreepy asked. He'd said something about taking over a family business. That couldn't warrant so much personal protection.

Valkyrie opened her mouth to respond, but Chiaki held up an arm. "Val, don't."

The garchomp shook her head. "Your teammates should know." She turned to Yuna. "Young Master Chiaki is due to inherit control of the Radiant Beacon from his father, Nidoking Sakaki."

There were immediate reactions around Yuna. Baraz tilted his head. Chiaki's scowl deepened and he hid his expression behind his cap. Nikki yawned, though Yuna assumed it was fake and overemphasized given what the toxtricity said next.

"That's it? Pfbt. Do people even read the Beacon?"

"Yes." Chiaki lifted his cap to glare at Nikki. "It's an important newspaper. Unlike practically every other publication, it's not under the thumb of Polaris or some rival company."

"Forget that." Nikki waved Chiaki off with her right hand. "I'm talking newspapers in general. You can just watch the news on Polaris Vision. Why bother reading a boring-ass paper?" She jerked her head toward the door. "The papers out in the waiting room looked untouched."

Valkyrie snorted dragonfire. "Some people still value old-fashioned print."

"Yeah. They're all crotchety geezers." Nikki smirked. "And I still don't see why all this means you need a bodyguard."

Chiaki pivoted away and jammed his claws into his pockets. "Since Father publishes things that can be, shall we say, less than flattering, he's made himself some enemies. Val's here because he's paranoid someone might try to use me to blackmail him."

"Oh, lovely. Just what the country needs. A paranoid purugly newspaper chief." Nikki reclined her head against the other arm of the chair… only to meet rough, scaly fins instead of soft fabric. "Bwuh?" She looked up at Valkyrie's upside-down face and abruptly sat up. "What gives?"

"I won't tolerate such slander against Young Master's father," Valkyrie growled. "Keep your barbed tongue in your mouth or I'll wash it with soap."

Nikki grimaced. "Okay, okay. Sheesh." She settled for resting her head against her left hand and drumming her right fingers against the chair.

Yuna heard the exchange, but mentally she was still about five steps behind her teammates. So many things about the conversation confused her. Chiaki's father… she swore she'd heard that name before. Maybe she had seen it printed on a newspaper? That's what they did with editors-in-chief, right? At least, that was the case back home.

But she had no idea what to make of the whole "Polaris Vision" thing. "Excuse me?" The dreepy raised a hand. "Um, not to interject, but how exactly does someone watch the news?"

Blank stares met her. Yuna regretted opening her mouth. "Seriously? You guys don't have a version of Polaris Vision?" Nikki looked at Yuna with a mixture of surprise and… pity? Yuna was hardly expecting that. When she shook her head, Nikki clutched the lapels of her leather jacket. "Dang. I feel for ya, Princess. That's rough. No Polaris Vision. No fantasies to escape to. Must be boring."

That just left Yuna more confused. "Err, what's Polaris Vision?"

Chiaki pointed to the ceiling. Yuna followed his gaze and found a black metal box hanging from the ceiling by a bunch of the wire thingies she'd seen at the banquet last night. "It's a broadcast device," the grovyle said. "It uses ether to display videotaped programs."

Yuna frowned. She'd understood none of that, though she remembered ether having been brought up by that terrifying masked creature. "Broadcast? Videotape? Ether?"

Surprised, Chiaki took a step back. He glanced at Nikki, who shrugged. "Don't look at me. I'd explain it the exact same way."

"If I may?" Baraz waved a tiny arm. "Since you're going to be stuck in detention, why not use that time to help teach Princess Yuna about some of the things that are unique to the Kingdom of Radiance? After all, it might help her do better in the Crowne Cup."

Yuna wasn't sure how the two were connected, but she still thought it a good idea and nodded her approval. Nikki faked another yawn. "Fine, whatever. Not like I'll be doing any homework there, anyway."

Chiaki huffed and rolled his eyes.

XxX​

Another downed sleep seed meant another missed alarm for Yuna. Baraz managed to drag her out of bed and had learned enough of the main building's layout to guide Yuna to her first class on the top floor. The halls were surprisingly empty. Nothing but marble floors flanked by brick walls with occasional wooden doors or floor-to-ceiling windows. The ceiling itself was arch-shaped, with long glass tubes lighting things up.

Perhaps everyone wants to show up early to make good first impressions?

That idea went out the window when Yuna floated into the room and found no sign of any teachers. Instead, there was a dark-purple room that used violet candles for light instead of glass tubes like the hallways. There was only enough light for Yuna to see red tablecloths underneath the candles, a dusty chalkboard, and sixteen wooden desks arranged in a four-by-four pattern in the middle of the room. She concentrated to switch on her night vision, but to her surprise all the squares and blocks pushed against the walls were hidden by red covers. The dreepy failed to see why that was necessary. Heck, why even have a classroom with no windows?

"Took you long enough. I was starting to think you wouldn't show."

The snide voice, coupled with the familiar twinkling of a gem-encrusted tiara, meant Yuna was sharing this class with Prince Shimmer. Of course, that should've been obvious. This was an advanced law class. Yuna didn't understand how she scored high enough on the placement test she'd been mailed to wind up in the class in the first place. Still, she was here now. Annoying pontya or not, she had to put her best foot forward.

… figuratively speaking, of course. She'd have feet one day. Probably. Maybe.

"Good morning to you, too," she mumbled to Shimmer. Yuna floated to the lone empty desk and was surprised to see the seat had been modified with an elevated cushion to accommodate her body type. That couldn't have been a coincidence. The class must've had assigned seats.

Sure enough, there was a small box with her name written in painstaking calligraphy. It was a lot of effort for something that was going to be discarded. The dreepy opened the box using the indicated tabs and pressed her hand against something smooth and metallic. It was a badge. It had a soft bronze glow in the limited light. She switched on her night vision again. The badge was shaped like a shield. It had a sword etched into the middle. A flower wrapped itself around the sword's hilt.

"Did anyone else get one of these?" Yuna asked, holding the badge up.

"… everyone did."

"Meep!" Yuna stiffened against her seat cushion. Shadowy globs popped up on the chalkboard in front of her. They coalesced into the shape of a familiar dusknoir. Yuna sighed. She'd seen Vegna's name on her class schedule, but a small part of her prayed it was an error.

"Please forgive my impudence at entering the classroom via the chalkboard," Vegna declared. The room's dim lighting only served to accentuate the gold skull gauntlets on his shoulders. Their ruby eyes cast a menacing red glow around his body. "We shall begin when someone answers the exchange student's question."

Yuna flinched. She couldn't tell if Vegna thought her question stupid or he was still angry over yesterday's cheating fiasco. Regardless, not even referring to her by name or title meant she'd done nothing to endear herself to him. And that was going to make this a long semester.

Hands, hooves, and forelegs shot into the air. Shimmer ignored them, loudly proclaiming, "It's a Kingdom of Radiance attorney's badge." Grumbles erupted around the ponyta over his calling out.

"Wrong." Vegna's eye crackled with shadowy energy. The rubies in his skull gauntlets mirrored the action.

Shimmer slackened against his seat. "What? But you—"

Vegna held up his right hand. "In a court of law, details could be the difference between the sweet taste of freedom and the executioner's noose tightening around your client's neck." He pointed a finger at Shimmer's horn. "If you're going to call out, I expect a complete answer."

Yuna wasn't sure what the dusknoir meant. And it seemed her classmates were confused as well.

"Attorney's badges are gold." Vegna flicked his right index finger toward the ceiling. Shimmer's badge levitated in front of his face. "Does this look gold to you?"

"No."

"Good. At least you're not dumb and blind." Vegna snapped his fingers. The badge dropped right into the edge of Shimmer's snout. He squealed. The other students giggled.

"What do you think you're doing?" Shimmer's nostrils flared. "Y… you can't talk to me that way. I'm Crown Prince!"

But Vegna already had his back to Shimmer. "Inside these walls, you are but another student. If you want to talk big, then you'd best be prepared to back it up with a good performance… in court."

Yuna put that statement together with the badge in her hand. Vegna didn't seriously mean that—

"What each of you holds is a provisional attorney's badge." The dusknoir raised a hand. A piece of chalk levitated next to him and went to work furiously scribbling against the board. "This year we're going to do things differently. Each of you will be paired up and, as teams, you will be defending clients of my choosing in court. If it's not your week, you will watch from the gallery and write a critique of your classmates' performances as if you were a legal correspondent for a news agency."

Excited chatter erupted around Yuna, but she couldn't bring herself to share her classmates' enthusiasm. Because this was asinine. He couldn't put people's lives in their hands. Not when they were students. "Um, Professor Vegna? Is that, y'know, really such a good idea?" She put her badge on her desk and fidgeted with her necklace. "That's a lot of weight to put on our shoulders. What if the clients are, y'know, guilty?"

The chalk stopped moving. Vegna glanced at Yuna. "A priest I prosecuted in court once said this: 'Those of little faith are the first to go back on their words when proven wrong.'"

Yuna did not know what to make of that. Unless she was mistaken, Radiance didn't have a national religion. "I don't follow."

"I'm well aware that you all lack experience. Which is why the clients will be those accused of smaller crimes," Vegna elaborated. "Nothing more violent than assault, I assure you."

That… still seems pretty violent. Back home, assault was serious charge.

"Likewise, the inquisitors will be novices themselves… relatively speaking." Vegna lowered the chalk and turned around. "Now then, these are the pairs. Our royal couple shall take the first case… next week."

"What?!" Yuna couldn't stop herself from blurting that out. Shimmer reacted the exact same way, but he was more focused on Yuna than the date.

"You made a mistake, Professor." Shimmer's cheeks puffed up. "Yesterday, you told me—"

"Circumstances have changed. You're working with the exchange student."

Shimmer's tiara went askew. He looked at Yuna like she was a piece of questionable meat. "But we had a deal," he whispered.

Vegna's smoldering, shadowy fist slammed against the chalkboard. Erasers and chalk fell to the ground below him. "Class, please forgive my striking of the chalkboard in such a manner."

Not even the twins sound this unapologetic. Perhaps Vegna moonlit as some sort of theater actor? Regardless, it didn't matter. She expected Shimmer to brush him aside. But talk of deals made her ectoplasm quiver. So much for no special treatment.

Great, now her head was hurting, too. Off to a wonderful first day of classes.

"These pairs are not going to be adjusted no matter how much you whine, boy," Vegna said, pointing to Shimmer's horn once again. "Besides, it's only proper you and the exchange student learn to cooperate. After all, you will both have to do a lot of that in the future."

Yuna's tail shriveled. Leave it to the guy they call the Grim Reaper to make a perfectly legitimate reason sound so… depressing.

"Is our defendant at least the same?" Shimmer asked, focused firmly on his desk.

"Yes. You're still defending Slurpuff Benedict. And this will be the assigned inquisitor's first trial."

Oh, so Shimmer already knew the defendant. Lovely. Wonderful. Yuna failed to see how that would help her be ready to stand in court so soon.

"Exchange student."

Yuna stiffened. "Y-Yes?"

"I can see it written on your face." Vegna crossed his arms. "You wonder how you can possibly be ready to stand in court in a week's time."

"Uhh…" Dang, he had Yuna read like yesterday's newspaper. "Well, yeah. Just because I did okay on that placement exam doesn't mean I'm ready to be in a trial."

"Then you would do well to use the next week to work with Shimmer and learn how we run trials in the Kingdom of Radiance." Vegna pointed at both students. Out of the corner of her eye, Yuna saw Shimmer scowling. What was his problem? She'd done nothing to him, so why was he acting like he was being punished?

"To help speed the process along, I'll give you all your textbooks." Vegna raised his right arm and snapped his fingers. "You are welcome to bring this to court with you."

Fluttering wings sounded from outside the door. Talonflame flew in, clutching a small pile of books while visibly struggling to keep his altitude. Behind him, a corviknight carried an even larger stack. Yuna worried the bigger bird would crush the books in his talons. And his feathers seemed… darker than the corviknight back home. In an unhealthy way, unlike Noctum's black scales.

"Heya, V. Where d'ya want 'em?" Corviknight asked, his voice disturbingly cheerful and nasally for such a large, imposing bird. Yuna had thought he might be another feral, but she was clearly wrong. And to address Vegna so casually without triggering any reaction… were these two friends or something? Did Vegna even have friends?

… maybe he was the type to strike up odd friendships with the custodial staff or something.

"On my desk, please." Vegna gestured to the cloth-covered cube closest to the chalkboard. Talonflame and Corviknight dropped the books off, then flew out of the room. With a wave of his hands, Vegna distributed a book to each student. One look at the brown, dusty cover told Yuna she'd need Baraz or Noctum to carry it.

"Now then, let us begin at the first chapter." The dusknoir levitated a chalk piece beside him and floated to a free spot on the chalkboard. Sighing, Yuna pushed the book open.

 

[Flyg0n]

It's catnip time!!!

I'll be covering your prologue and chapter 1

I'm not gonna lie, when I read the summary, my first reaction was: Eh

The summary was well-written, I just have a personal bias against school stuff. (And maybe princesses...) For whatever reason, my brain automatically went princess? school? = childish

Clearly I was wrong.

For starters, great prologue. It took me a second to get into it. I was surpised the casual inclusion of legendaries, as usually they are much more aloof and distant in a story. So starting off with them, right there, talking to each other casually, was weird. But not at all 'bad' weird. Good weird, in fact.

As someone else mentioned however, it was a bit hard to visualize the setting, so a couple intro lines like 'Moonlight fell across the castle courtyard, illuminating the three figures who stood within its walls' might help. Doesn't have to look exactly like that though. Just something to give a stronger sense of presence. Where are they? What does it look like? I was eventually able to picture it, but I like setting a locale first, then going into dialogue and such.

Your prose is quite nice. I found the prologue fairly clear and easy to read. Your dialogue seems very solid, and your in-between narration easy to follow, the intent clear. (Aside from the small point about setting) You wove in some good descriptions and I was able to understand fairly easily what each pokemon was. Douglas the Galarian Weezing, Ifrit, Shiva, and Quetzal.

Honestly, the only part I don't recognize is the Phantom. But I suspect that's because plot stuffs.

The longer I read, the more intrigued I was. You used their dialogue to discuss what I presume will be critical plot points, like the new advisor and such. Then you led straight into the attack!

Now I do have one criticism, perhaps it's just me. I found describing the initial attack as a 'sudden blast' conjured an image of an explosion of some kind, so I was confused until I understood it was a beam.

Other than that, I think everything else here was clear. Having this power turn them into the galarian birds sounds really cool!!!

As for the section with Yuna... Good as well. I like the name Yunavresca. I wonder if the golden 4 winged dragon is Ultra Necrozma or something?

Anyways, everything here seems clear enough, you introduced her character well. She clearly yearns for the comforts of home, but also wants to follow what she must do. I'm assuming her father sent her here because of a good reason of some kind.

There also seems to be a distrust towards dragons in this? That's the vibe I'm getting. You've got good seeds of this political strife and tension going on. Nice stuff.

___

Hah haaa!!! Bonus points for Dracozolt! Her Dracozolt attendant seems like a sweet guy.
Also, what characters this Crimson Zephyr guy is, heh.

I did have to do a double-take during the little battle between Yuna and the thieves. But I think that was me, I tend to speed read and miss stuff.

"Without thinking, she shot toward Rookie with a burst of speed. But the large size different resulted in her ending up sprawled out on the ground with the entire room spinning."

That said, I think adding in a physical reaction to getting hit here would help. Perhaps a 'she shot toward Rookie with a burst of speed. Rookie crashed into her, sending her tumbling across the floor, the rooming spinning around her'.
Or something like that anyway.
Otherwise, good job. I appreciate the descriptions of Yuna being nervous around dark energy and the move descriptions in general.

"At that moment, the chandelier hanging from the glass-domed ceiling became the most interesting thing in the room"
Hmmmm... I LIKE this line. You didn't say she was nervous, but she immediately fixates on the chandelier. Good show not tell!

"Eww! What in heaven's name is that thing?"

"Its upper and lower halves don't even match!"

"God, I heard dragons were ugly, but that makes me want to vomit!"

"We have to go to class with him?"

"He better just be hired help."

"Hey, I think that's the Aeon Princess next to him."

YEESH those are rude comments.... fitting, if you intended them to sound cruel.

Wingbeats drew a sharp "Eep!" from Yuna. She floated out from her hiding spot the moment a Charizard landed in front of her and tucked in his blue-green wings. Yuna brought an arm up to her mouth to stifle her gasp. Why are his scales orange? Shouldn't his scales be black like Noctum's?

This description really confused me. She notes his wings being blue/green but immediately wonders why his scales are orange. Even if she is referring to the underside of his wings, it reads very unclear to me. I actually thought this Charizard was blue/green all over, or perhaps had very weird wings.

Thank God I don't have any neck muscles.

I'm always thrown off by this? For pokemon, who do they refer to when they say God? Is it Arceus?


Final remarks.

Overall, very good! The general prose was usually clear, enjoyable to read. I like the characters and setting well so far.
Weakest part: Describing action and battle scenes. (Battles are very very hard though so). Sometimes I would have to read a line twice to understand what happened. There were moments when it was unclear about the position or movement of a character. Also, more descriptions when a character is struck by an attack will really help. If a character gets hit, you might say, 'A shard of ice shot through the air, straight for her, before passing through her body. Pain lanced through her chest and her vision blurred. She began to sway, almost toppling over'.
There were some times I wasn't actually sure if the character got hit or not because the impact specifically was not described.
Strongest: You have some good prose, good moments of showing character through actions! There are some nice small descriptions, and your dialogue is good. Honestly aside from action scenes being a little awkward, this is a very very solid story and I am very excited to see a galarian PMD tale!

Ultimate conclusion: Good story! Its going on my (long) list of stories I will definitely be following!

 

[Ambyssin]

Spoiler: Flyg0n

For whatever reason, my brain automatically went princess? school? = childish

Probably because of all the tween/kid shows that incorporate school. But I'm using boarding school — and college/university to a lesser extent — as the foundation here.

I was surpised the casual inclusion of legendaries, as usually they are much more aloof and distant in a story. So starting off with them, right there, talking to each other casually, was weird.

Well, between that and how soundly they're trounced, one might get the impression they're not nearly as power in this story compared to canon. ;P

Where are they? What does it look like? I was eventually able to picture it, but I like setting a locale first, then going into dialogue and such.

I'm... a bit different in that regard. I've too often gotten turned off pieces because they have to take multiple paragraphs of time to describe settings and appearances.

Honestly, the only part I don't recognize is the Phantom.

Intentional. Its form is amorphous aside from the plague mask.

Anyways, everything here seems clear enough, you introduced her character well. She clearly yearns for the comforts of home, but also wants to follow what she must do

Gotta be a good goodwill ambassador.

Bonus points for Dracozolt!

It's cute... and the only one of the Gen VIII fossils that wouldn't immediately keel over.

I think adding in a physical reaction to getting hit here would help.

Well, the thing is she's not sent flying. The idea was that she got run over and since I'm using third-person limited for the narration, that was what her POV was, more or less. @_@

fitting, if you intended them to sound cruel

Cruel like teenagers can be.

She notes his wings being blue/green but immediately wonders why his scales are orange. Even if she is referring to the underside of his wings, it reads very unclear to me

I guess I just kind of made the assumption people would know charizard wings are membranous, not scale-covered like a salamence or druddigon.

For pokemon, who do they refer to when they say God? Is it Arceus?

See, I'm part of the group that's not a fan of authors substituting Arceus in place of God. Because even in the real world, the Judeochristian god has an actual name attached to it that you're not supposed to say, so you just go by different titles depending on the context/religion. Even people who don't necessarily believe in a god may exclaim "Thank God" or something similar. also the answer to that question is spoilers so i'm deflecting

There were moments when it was unclear about the position or movement of a character. Also, more descriptions when a character is struck by an attack will really help.

Drat. In my previous story, I was a lot, uh, wordier when it came to battles. It made me so exhausted by the end of that fic that I vowed to cut down a lot with this story. Perhaps it was too much.

XxX

Chapter 8: All That Shimmers is Gold​

Yuna drifted through her morning classes in a dreamlike trance. She was only vaguely aware of what was going on around her while she imagined herself floating inside some giant hall filled with columns and arches. A faceless figure towered above her, holding a gavel, while Shimmer stood next to her barking orders like he was a feral arcanine.

Even news from Professor Cid that he was taking the third-years on an early field trip to a historical site did little to quell the unease. Sure, her classmates whooped and hollered, but for Yuna that likely meant even less time to prepare.

She wasn't entirely sure how she wound up in the dining hall's large, wooden entrance. Baraz must've taken her there and departed for the servant quarters. The glistening chandeliers and warm sunlight drifting through the high-arched glass ceiling managed to catch her attention long enough to snap her out of her trance.

Right, food. She needed food. Except she had yet to actually eat in the dining hall.

Yuna scanned the room. It had the same marble floor as the hallways. The opposite end had a raised platform holding multiple tables for the teachers. Which left the students to use the evenly-spaced, varnished, wooden, circular and rectangular tables. Dozens of meltan scurried across the floor, carrying metal trays piled high with meat and plant-based dishes and sides. They set them in the middle of the tables.

Where should I sit? She wasn't sure if students segregated themselves by class year or not. Yuna figured she could find Chiaki or Nikki if she searched hard enough. They weren't ideal company, but they were better than nothing.

At least, that was her assumption until an unseen force tugged on her right horn. Her gills tightened. She squeaked. Yuna sucked in a sharp breath as she stared down Shimmer's glowing horn casting a pink glow over his tiara.

"Come with me." The ponyta wasn't giving her a choice. His psychic grip faded and Yuna floated after him. Was the Prince taking Vegna's advice after all? Curious.

He weaved through tables, mindful of stray limbs sticking out from chairs. Shimmer brought Yuna to the circular table located closest to the faculty section. All the seats were occupied save two. Shimmer sat down on one. He levitated a small bell and rang it. Within seconds, an arcanine wearing a black dress jacket appeared.

"Some ghost-friendly cushions for Princess Yuna." He gestured to the seat beside him.

"Of course, Your Grace." Arcanine bowed and ducked under the table. He reappeared with three cushions that he stacked on the table. "Here you are, m'lady."

"Oh. Thank you." Yuna settled down on the cushions. She was at perfect height to reach her napkin and silverware.

"What kind of diet do you dragons go with?" Shimmer asked. It wasn't the politest phrasing, but it was nicer than how he acted before law class.

"I eat meat."

"Real or synthetic?"

Yuna raised a brow. "You guys have synthetic meat?"

At that, the sylveon and sirfetch'd to Shimmer's left looked up from their plates. "Of course we do," Shimmer said. "You don't?"

"No."

"Fascinating," Sylveon whispered.

"Right." Shimmer's horn glowed. A plate moved in front of her. It had a steak sandwich with caramelized onions and melted cheddar on a fresh-baked sourdough roll. Yuna's mouth watered from the smell. The cut must've been high-grade.

"Introductions, then." Shimmer brought a plate of his own over. It had a spring mix salad with avocado. "These are my friends, Xander and Robin." He gestured to Sylveon and Sirfetch'd, respectively. Xander focused on pouring himself a glass of water while Robin nodded curtly.

"And I'm sure you remember Team Striker from yesterday's event." The ponyta pointed a forehoof across the table. Yuna looked up at the cinderace, lucario, and inteleon. The latter two had ditched their striped, scarlet sports jerseys for silk dress shirts. Yuna immediately recalled their gleeful commentary when Team Bastion got disqualified. Her cheeks burned.

"Hello."

"What up, Princess?" Rufus said with a bite of poultry dangling from his teeth. "Bad luck about yesterday, eh?"

"Well, it certainly made for a crowning spot of entertainment!" Reno laughed. The cinderace sat back in his chair. "No offense, Princess, but folks love a good villain team to root against… and Nikki the Nuisance set you guys up to fill that niche nicely."

She was offended, but settled for taking it out on her steak sandwich.

"We mean no ill will. You see, part of our job is to help craft a good narrative for the audience," Vincent elaborated. The inteleon pressed his index finger to his temple. "Though we'll be hard-pressed to make your team into anything if you get eliminated in the first leg. And, with that penalty, it's looking quite likely."

Okay, now she had to say something. "Shimmer, did you bring me here to talk about the case or to let your friends mock me? I had no idea Nikki was planning to cheat, you know."

"Whoa, whoa." Reno held up his paws. "Nobody's mocking you. We're not like that, Princess." He adjusted the jersey on his torso. "I've got future sponsors to think about. No pro baccer team's gonna want to hire a bully."

"Yeah, sure." The dreepy took a swig of water.

"I did bring you here because of the case." Shimmer dabbed his silver napkin against his snout. "I could read your body language and your energy. You felt like a plate of cold, stale noodles."

Yuna attempted a pale imitation of one of Chiaki's scowls. Gee, thanks for the confidence boost, partner.

The ponyta looked her dead in the eye. "You have no reason to worry."

"Because?" Yuna was ready to stuff a bread roll in Shimmer's mouth if his answer was some variation of "Because you're working with me."

"Because you're clearly smart."

Yuna almost coughed up her bite of steak sandwich.

"Everyone has to take a placement test to get into Vegna's advanced law class," Robin explained. "I doubt he'd make an exception for you just because you're an exchange student."

Though it was true, Yuna wasn't sure if that was meant to be a compliment. Shimmer leaned into her line of sight. "If you scored high enough on the test, then that means that, despite not growing up here, you know your stuff," he said.

"Arguably better than some of us who actually live here," Reno added. He rested his paws behind his head. "I mean, I find all that law junk boring, but we've got a lot of politically-minded folks here and you probably scored better than a good lot of them."

"I see." No one had mentioned that to Yuna. She assumed she was the only one who had to take such a test.

"Which brings me back to my original point: your worry is unfounded." Shimmer brushed his mane with a foreleg. "We'll be fine. Uncle Benedict is innocent. I'm sure of it."

Uncle Benedict? "So, the slurpuff's family?"

"Not in the literal sense." Shimmer chuckled. "Mother doesn't have any siblings. The royal family only ever rears a single child. Keeps the bloodline pure." He swished his mane, angling his head so his tiara would twinkle in the sunlight.

"That sounds pretty lonely." Yuna gulped down more water. "My little brothers can be annoying, but I still love them." She shook her head. The subject wasn't worth pursuing. "Anyway, even if he's not your real uncle, isn't it, like, some sort of conflict to defend him?"

"Sounds like someone's been watching too many PV shows." Xander giggled into one of his ribbons.

"PV?"

Xander looked at Yuna like she was speaking gibberish. "Polaris Vision?"

There was that phrase again. "Yeah, uh, I don't really know what that is."

"No fooling?" Xander dropped his fork. "You guys have ether, right?"

Yuna was sorely tempted to make a snide remark about how Shimmer's ancestors forced the Aeons into mountainous and volcanic wastelands. However, she settled for saying, "I'd never heard of that term before coming here."

"Don't look so surprised, Xander." Rufus pointed his fork at the sylveon. "You know how guarded Polaris is with their proprietary tech. There's no way they'd let word of ether power reach the Aeon Kingdom. Anyone who tried would get buried six feet under by a mountain of C and Ds."

"I mean, we didn't let word of anything here reach the Aeons until Demerzel started up the whole treaty process." Shimmer gesticulated with his levitating fork. He glanced at Yuna. "Sorry about that. Not like I had any control over it."

Huh. Yuna's parents hadn't mentioned Demerzel being the one to get that ball rolling. Though Noctum did tell her Demerzel was the friendliest Radiant they'd met since their arrival. "And your mom's okay with an advisor leading the charge like this?" Yuna wanted to hear an answer straight from the Prince's mouth.

Shimmer chewed away at some lettuce. He swallowed, then said, "Of course. The whole reason she brought Demerzel in is because she's trying to shift domestic policy to focus on the expanding distortion." He stabbed an avocado slice with his fork. "Loathe as I am to admit it, you dragons are infinitely better at dealing with the distortion than we are."

Because of Cosmic Blessing. It was the one thing her parents said they had as leverage over the Kingdom of Radiance. If they were willing to offer it up as part of this treaty, then that meant the distortion had to be nearing a critical point. Perhaps this was all connected to the mystery dungeons her parents had mentioned when meeting with Vortex.

Gah, it was so much to keep track of. Trial. She had to focus on the trial. The other stuff could wait.

"Right. So, back to your uncle." Yuna finished her sandwich. "What's the issue?"

"He's being accused of assaulting some magmar peasant on board an omnibus," Shimmer explained. "You know what those are, right?"

"Um, yes. They're kind of like coaches, but bigger." Yuna had seen a couple when she was traveling to Horizon Gardens. "Did your uncle say anything?"

Shimmer nodded. "Uncle Benedict was sleeping in the omnibus the whole time. He was woken up by shouting and saw the magmar slouched over next to him with a knife in his gut."

Reno whistled. "Ouch."

Yuna's eyes widened. "Wait, and the magmar survived?"

"He must've. Otherwise it'd be a murder trial and we wouldn't be involved." Shimmer shrugged.

"Why even take an omnibus?" Xander adjusted his pink, feathered shirt collar with his ribbons. "Surely Benedict can afford to order a private coach."

Shimmer shrugged. "Benedict says he likes to take public transit to commiserate with the commoners. He's weird like that."

"I don't know. Sounds suspicious to me," Xander said.

"Well, I'll just count my lucky stars you won't be on the jury." Shimmer chuckled and hip-checked Xander. The sylveon giggled and playfully shoved him back with a ribbon.

"How can you be so… nonchalant about this?" Yuna was glad her ectoplasm dissolved food right away. If she had a normal stomach, she might not have kept her lunch down.

"Because I believe in Uncle Benedict. I think he's telling the truth." Shimmer's expression hardened. "He told me there were other omnibus passengers. I have no doubt whoever this novice inquisitor is will have them testify."

"Probably. But how does that help us?" Yuna poked her hands together.

"It's the perfect situation to sow doubt into the jury." Shimmer smirked. "You do know we conduct trials with jurists, right?"

She did. It came up in her studies for the placement test. "We get a 'not guilty' verdict if all six jurors unanimously agree on that decision," Yuna said.

"Right. But, failing that, we can get the jury to deadlock." Shimmer pushed his chair back from the table. "And the perfect way to do that is to get these other passengers to turn on one another. That ought to create enough confusion to mess up the jury."

Aside from that sounding easier said than done, Yuna found the idea… worrying. "Are you saying we should put suspicion on innocent bystanders?"

"Of course not." The ponyta flicked his mane. "But if Uncle Benedict is telling the truth, logic dictates one of the other passengers did it and tried to pin the crime on him. So, our strategy should be to look for an opening that can make that scenario more likely." He sat back, grinning. "Like I said… we've got nothing to worry about."

"I still think we should go through some of the textbook together," Yuna said.

Shimmer rolled his eyes. "Sure. Fine. Meet me in the first-floor common lounge after your detention gets out. Sound good?"

Yuna nodded.

XxX​

Detention brought her back to Professor Vegna's room. Despite Horizon Gardens being well south of her home and having long days as the start of fall approached, the classroom seemed inexplicably darker than it was in the morning. All the candles burned lavender flames, casting a purple glow over the chalkboard and plastic desks. Nikki and Chiaki were already sitting in desks behind one another. Yuna took her assigned spot from class. It still had all the cushions set up.

"Where's Professor Vegna?" the dreepy asked. She looked expectantly at the chalkboard.

"Left for a meeting. Told us not to cause any trouble." Chiaki didn't look up as he spoke. He was writing numbers into what Yuna assumed was math homework.

"Stuck us with Birdbrain." Nikki jerked her thumb over her shoulder. Talonflame stood on a perch in the back corner of the room, preening his feathers.

Yuna didn't trust that they were truly alone. Vegna might have set up booby traps or something similar. She pulled out a worksheet from Cid's history class. "You're going to behave yourself, right, Nikki?"

"Yeah, yeah." The toxtricity leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. "Look, it's not like I wanted this to happen."

"Then why'd you cheat yesterday?" Yuna asked.

Nikki turned away. "I wasn't intending to cheat."

Chiaki rolled his eyes. "You powered up your moves with an illegal item. How's that not intentional?"

"I didn't need the item to power up. My Boomburst would've knocked them out regardless," Nikki scoffed.

Yuna frowned. "But then it makes even less sense for you to have brought it in the first place." If her teammate was trying to win her over, it wasn't working.

"Unless she was deliberately trying to get us disqualified." Chiaki tipped the brim of his cap down. "There have been years where teams took bribes to throw the Crowne Cup."

"Piss off, Twiggy." Nikki's face reddened. "I just said I didn't want to get us disqualified."

"And why should we believe you when you're not coming clean about those goggles?" Chiaki countered.

Nikki balled her fists up. Sparks danced between her fingers. Talonflame looked up from preening himself. Yuna held her breath, expecting Nikki to throw a punch. Instead, she dug her fists into the arm of her desk. "It wasn't… about boosting power." She sucked in a sharp breath. "The goggles… doubled as a pair of X-ray specs."

While Yuna had brought herself up to speed on the items she'd purchased with Baraz's help, X-ray specs were not on that list. "Err… what?"

"You can't be serious." Chiaki waved Nikki off.

"Hang on, what do those do?"

"They let you see through walls," Chiaki replied. "But it's not like the maze was complicated. You shouldn't have needed X-ray specs in the first place." He shook his head dismissively.

"I already told you it wasn't about cheating!" Nikki leaned over her desk. "It was about exposing that jackass Prince for the cheat he is!"

Yuna looked at Chiaki. He looked back blankly. "Is this supposed to be a joke? You don't strike me as a comedian in training," he said.

"It's not a joke. I'm telling you… something stinks to high heaven about that ponyta."

Are you sure that's not your jacket? I can smell it from across the room. Yuna kept her snark internal.

Chiaki pivoted so he was sitting on the chair backwards. He rested his arms on the back of the chair. "And you're basing this off what, exactly? Your gut?"

Nikki bit her lip. "No. But, like, c'mon, you've gotta see it." She turned to Yuna. "Don't you think it's a bit convenient that Shimmer's team got put all the way on the far side of the maze? The commentary made it sound like they didn't even break a sweat going through it."

"Uh, I wasn't paying much attention. We were preoccupied, remember?" The dreepy pointed to Talonflame and recalled the Flamethrowers and Air Slashes that had rained on her from the sky.

"Besides, that all happened after you made the decision to cheat." Chiaki tapped his claws on Nikki's desk. "I'm no therapist, but you sounds like you're projecting."

"Hey, just because I act like a slacker doesn't mean I actually am one!" Nikki's mohawk flared up, peppering her chair with tiny sparks. "I do my work and pass my tests. Which is more than I can say for Shimmer."

"Right. You really think slandering the Crown Prince is going to win you any friends here?" Chiaki facepalmed. "That kind of talk all but guarantees every team will target us in the first Crowne Cup leg. Which makes total sense if you're trying to throw this."

"It's the truth, damn it!" Nikki reached into her backpack — black, worn out, and covered in patches of duct tape — and smacked two pieces of paper down on her desk. "Look." She pushed the papers toward Chiaki.

"These look like pre-calc notes," Chiaki said. "So what?"

"I was in the same pre-calc class as Shimmer last year." Nikki turned the page's in Yuna's direction. "Look here. This one's from his notebook." She slid the page on Yuna's left toward her. The writing was in cursive, with tiny hearts used in place of dots for the Is and Js. It was… quite flamboyant. Yuna supposed it matched his flashy outfit.

"And this… is a test we had in the middle of the year." Nikki slid the other page to Yuna.

Aside from the perfect score marked with a big, red marker, something was off. The letters in Shimmer's name were thick and blocky. Even the numbers weren't as curvy as the ones from Shimmer's notebook. "Okay, the writing's different." She frowned. "What are you implying?"

"That someone else took this test for him." Nikki tapped the test repeatedly with her index finger. "How else would you explain it?"

"That he ditches the fancy writing on a timed test?" Yuna shrugged. Her writing always got noticeably sloppier on tests back home. Of course, just gripping a pen in her nubby hand was tough. She couldn't wait to get claws like her mother.

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"Well, how do we know this test isn't a fake?" Chiaki narrowed his eyes. "I've never heard of a teacher here letting students keep their graded tests and I doubt they'd bend that rule even for Prince Shimmer. So, if this is genuine, then the safe bet is that you stole it."

Talonflame spread its wings out. Nikki's anger evaporated. Panic overtook her face. "Oh no, you got me, Twiggy. It's totally a fake. Ha ha ha," she said through gritted teeth. When Talonflame settled down, she leaned over and hissed in a whisper, "Okay, so I stole it. Big whoop. The point is Shimmer's getting a free ride through this place when there are thousands of kids that would kill for a chance to come to this school."

Chiaki cocked a brow. "So, you're telling me your motive here is purely altruistic?"

Yuna had a hard time believing Nikki was some sort of advocate. Then again, it wasn't like she knew anything about the toxtricity's background. "Come to think of it, Nikki, why are you here? It doesn't sound like you're the biggest fan of this place." At least Yuna had an important reason to be here. Nikki wasn't some sort of goodwill ambassador.

"That's—" Nikki clutched the sides of her leather jacket. "You wouldn't understand, Princess."

"Every Crowne Minister can lobby to send someone to this school. Nikki is one of those lucky few," Chiaki said. "Minister Shredder's footing the bill for you to be here, isn't he?"

Nikki looked down at her lap. "He is."

Pushing aside the name of Nikki's apparent sponsor — seriously, what kind of parent named their kid Shredder? — that changed things. It made her comments about Shimmer hypocritical at best. "Why waste your time harboring a grudge against him, then?" Yuna wondered.

"You wouldn't get it," Nikki growled.

"Try me."

"Y'know what? Forget I ever brought it up." Nikki turned her back on her teammates. "Just… don't say I didn't warn you."

Yuna frowned. "I beg your pardon?"

"I saw you eating lunch with his posse." Nikki propped up her jacket collar. "I wouldn't get swept up with his crowd if I were you. Their heads are so far up their asses all they can smell is sewage."

It wasn't like Yuna had a choice in the matter. "We're working together on a case for Professor Vegna's class."

"Tch. Whatever. Maybe you'll see what I mean if you're stuck around him long enough." Nikki shrugged. "I'm over this conversation. Have fun with your homework."

"But weren't you guys going to help bring me up to speed on the technology here?" Yuna had almost forgotten Baraz's suggestion.

Nikki didn't respond. Chiaki had also gone back to his homework. Sighing, Yuna looked down at her worksheet. "Never mind," she whispered.

Maybe she'd have more luck asking Professor Cid during tomorrow's field trip.

XxX​

Yawning, Shimmer closed his text book with a flick of his head. He pushed himself away from the square, wooden table. "All right, I think that's enough studying up for one day."

"But we didn't even talk. We just read the textbooks in silence." Yuna looked at the pages of notes she'd scribbled. Vegna's textbook wasn't as dense as she was expecting, so she only wrote a few pages. Still, it would be helpful to go over the concepts while they were fresh in her head.

"So? You've got some notes there, don't you? I'm sure they're fine." Shimmer pointed his horn toward a window. Dark blue twilight sat on the other side. "It's already after sundown. I know you ghosts can, like, stay up all night and stuff, but my brain checks out as soon as it's nighttime."

"I… guess." Yuna lay her head against her textbook. This was not what she envisioned when Shimmer said they'd study together.

"Oh, come on. Don't pout like that. I even had dinner brought for us." Shimmer swished his mane. "You should be thanking me." He didn't wait for Yuna to respond. The ponyta hopped off his chair and trotted past a couple of tables — they were for games called ping-pong and billiards, if Yuna recalled — toward a black leather couch. Shimmer hopped on and splayed his legs out. He levitated a black oval with lots of buttons over.

"I'm going to watch some PV. You're welcome to join."

Yuna looked up in time to see the large black box sitting in the middle of an oak cabinet hum to life. Colors spread across the screen, revealing a close-up of a gothitelle with a black, high-collar jacket.

"Welcome… to the Weakest Link."

The picture zoomed out to show a white, crescent-shaped stage with eight podiums on it. "Is this… a broadcast video?" Those were the terms Chiaki had used yesterday.

"It's a gameshow," Shimmer replied. "Eight commoners answer trivia questions to try and win up to a million radians. But they vote out a member of their team each round and the host insults and belittles them the whole time. It's hilarious!"

Frowning, Yuna did the math in her head. A million radians was… roughly six million dracoins! You could buy out most of the nobles' estates with that kind of money! She bit her lip. Yuna could hardly see how it was entertaining to watch other people get bullied for money. Then again, it was money that could leave you set for life.

"Where do they get the funding to do this?" she wondered.

"Pfbt. Girl, please." One of Shimmer's hooves tapped the top of the couch. "They never get enough questions right to get anywhere close to that amount. That's why they all get insulted."

"… ah." The dreepy turned away from the PV. Nikki's words from earlier echoed in her head. If she stuck around Shimmer long enough… she'd see what Nikki meant.

Well, he got a kick out of watching mean-spirited entertainment. And he wasn't the most collaborative study partner. But that just made him a jerk. Not a cheat. Nikki had to be blowing smoke. The whole school called her a nuisance for a reason.

… right?

"You still there?" Shimmer called. "There's a whole other couch that's way comfier than those chairs, you know."

Yuna's tail crinkled. "Uh, yes. But I think I'm going to retire for the night." She faked a yawn, cringing at how unconvincing it sounded to her. "We've got to be up early for that field trip tomorrow, after all."

A laugh came from Shimmer's couch. "Feh. If you ask me, this trip'll be a total snoozefest. But I guess if you've never seen Herbrides Lines, you might find it somewhat interesting."

She hadn't, obviously. Though it sounded like she was the only one. At least Professor Cid sounded enthusiastic about it.

"Right. Well, uh, good night." Yuna waited for Shimmer to respond, but the best she got was him laughing at the PV. Sighing, Yuna floated out of the lounge room and into the hallway. The mysterious light tubes were just as bright as ever.

"Done for the night, Princess?"

Yuna turned to find Noctum standing diligently next to a pillar. He had a small tinfoil object in his right hand, which he offered up to Yuna. "I brought you some chocolate-chip cookies. A nice little reward for getting through the first day."

"Oh, um, thanks." The dreepy accepted Noctum's gift, though she had no intention of eating them. Mother had lectured her far too often about eating too close to bedtime. Especially sweets. At least they'd make a good snack for the trip.

"Something wrong? You look a bit frazzled."

"No. No, I'm… fine. A bit tired, maybe." Yuna kept her gaze fixed on the cookies.

"Ah. Well, I'll grab your stuff and take you back to your room." Noctum glided over to the lounge door.

Yuna nodded. "Sure. Sounds good." She watched him enter the room, only to cringe when she heard shouting.

"Hey! Servants are supposed to knock before entering the lounges!"

"Sorry, Your Majesty," Noctum squeaked. "I was just coming into fetch Princess Yuna's belongings."

"You'd better be sorry," Shimmer growled. "Walk in unannounced again and I'll see to it security drags you back to the servant quarters by that stubby tail of yours."

Noctum abruptly flew out of the room, clutching Yuna's bag tightly. She looked up at the charizard. "He shouldn't have yelled at you for that," she whispered.

Still airborne, Noctum winced. "No, he's right. That was impolite of me. I wasn't thinking." He landed in front of Yuna. "Come on. Let's get you over to the dorms. You've got a long day tomorrow. Seifer and I will be your escorts." Yuna floated after Noctum, but paused to take one more look at the lounge door.

Nikki couldn't be right. Her parents never had anything bad to say to her about Queen Isola. The apple couldn't have fallen that far from the tree, right?

But as she followed Noctum out to cobblestone path leading over to the dorms, Yuna couldn't get Nikki's words out of her head.

 

[cynsh]

Cynsh 🤝 Amby
Writing developed pokemon
societies shrouded in mystery

In all seriousness, after you said our stories touch on similar themes regarding a lack of fighting... well, that didn't seem too apparent from the prologue and opening chapter. Gotta give it time, I guess.

Prologue

Even though she'd spent plenty of time around him, seeing Lord Weezing Douglas speaking through two mouths always unsettled her.

Oh god you didn't put galarian weezing in this story did you

As did the fact that his gaseous beards would fizzle like soda pop as he spoke. It had forced her to abandon her once-favorite drink.

oh no it's worse than I thought

"Something in Demerzel's premonition must've spooked Queen Isola."

I'm not sure what drew me to this line, but 'must've' seems too informal a contraction for these birds, who speak rather regally.

What she found, however, was a cloud of black shadows surrounding a black, crystalline plague mask.

Didn't know what a plague mask was. Apparently it's something like this? In which case, damn that's unsettling.

Remember the family creed, Yunavresca

Lmao, typical absurd royal name. Love it

Yuna let her arm wander toward the stained-glass window in the background of the photo. She pressed down, covering up the golden, four-winged dragon depicted in the window.

Uhh... necrozma? I dunno what the significance of that pokemon is, if it is that.

Huh, pretty interesting prologue. I didn't expect things to get dark so quickly, but I'm not disappointed! A few terms getting thrown around that we don't have context for yet: not sure what the 'Needle' is and what breaking it will do; couldn't work out who the Phantom was, if it even is a pokemon; a few names we don't know much about yet. But it raises plenty of intrigue for the story to follow. I wonder also what's become of the three birds. I'm sure they're still alive, given they just changed form. Will they be under the Phantom's control from now on? Many questions.

It was short, but Yuna's section was a nice introduction to her. Don't have a lot to say on that, other than the more intrigue given by this mysterious dragon.

Chapter 1

"Buon giorno. If you two lugs know what's good for ya… you'll walk away and forget you ever saw us. Otherwise, you'll face the wrath of the one and only Nickit Carpaccio!"

Nickit as a wannabe Italian ganster, I LOVE it. Slightly scratching my head at what the existence of 'buongiorno' means for languages in this world, though...

Why are his scales orange? Shouldn't his scales be black like Noctum's?

The charizard walking beside her had a certain bounce to his step and his tail-flame was larger than usual. "Okay, Noctum, I know you want to say something. Go ahead." Yuna waved her right arm toward his black tail.

All I can assume from this is that 1) Noctum is a shiny charizard (I would say it's more grey-coloured than black, but whatever) and 2) Yuna has never seen another charizard in her life? Is that supposed to illustrate her sheltered upbringing?
I'm not sure. A bit of clarity would be appreciated. And if he is shiny, is that unusual? Would he get any odd looks?

Yuna focused on the crown positioned on the sword's hilt. It was a nice design.

I think saying 'eyes were drawn to' is a better fit; 'focused' sounds like she's looking at it intentionally.

The darumaka froze mid-step. Her eyes fixed on Noctum's toothy maw. "Ahh! Don't eat me, mister! I don't taste good!" She turned tail and ran off before Noctum could even retort. Yuna floated over and pet Noctum's back while his tail flame dimmed.

Poor Noctum. Again this raises big questions though. Intelligent pokemon are scared of being eaten? That can't be a good sign...

"That bookshop we were in had this book called Fire & Fighting: 151 Fun, Simple Ice-Breakers.

Would love to know more about this title. Is it referring to a joke you can make about the number of fire/fighting types, is it because fire and fighting are super-effective on ice, or is it something else?

Red, blue, and yellow energy balls surrounded him. He launched them at Noctum. Yuna recognized the Tri-Attack and darted out from the box straight into the attack's line. The energy balls fizzled out against her head.

...TIL Dreepy was part ghost >_<

"Princess, you shouldn't have put yourself at risk like that." He frowned. "But I shouldn't have left you alone like that. I'm terribly sorry."

"It's fine, Noctum." Yuna waved him off. "Neither of us could've expected something like that."

Possibly excessive repetition of 'like that' here.


This chapter certainly wasn't lacking action. It did feel though, particularly once the shop incident happened, like it was all a bit much for just one morning? The two thieves dropping just in front of Yuna; okay, an odd coincidence but you need those in fiction. Arriving just in time for the Crowne Cup announcement; again, fine, and introduces characters. But then this Xeromus dude appears while Yuna is going into town, just after what happened before, and it's like... damn, this has been a very eventful day.

I suppose the story feels quite unfocused so far. I get it's only been one non-prologue chapter, but so many characters were introduced, I can't tell who is really significant yet (other than Yuna, obvs). The characterisation was good; I completely sympathise with Yuna's nervousness at being thrust into this hostile environment, particularly being the gentle soul she seems to be.

The prose has been good as well, though there was a couple of times that I had to re-read a section to be clear on what was happening. For example,

he slamming of a metal grate jolted Yuna to attention. Her ectoplasmic tail crinkled. Ahead of her, an air vent plate lay on the floor beside a stone column. And next to it was one of those tiny, gray sludge things with the hex-nut heads. What were they called again… meltin? It didn't matter, because the real problem— or, rather, problems emerged from the exposed air vent.

A greedent belly-flopped onto the floor, scattering dust across the pristine tiles. He quickly held his hands up to catch an equally-dusty nickit.

I didn't realise at first that the two mons had dropped from the ceiling/side of the wall, which is where the vent plate must have been displaced from (given it wasn't said explicitly). 'Belly-flopped' is maybe not the clearest descriptor for saying where the greedent is coming from. I dunno.

Well, hope this was meaningful in some way. See you around 👋

 

[Flaze]

Ambyyyy!!!!

It's bee a long time since I've reviewed one of your fics, I never could finish Guiding Light sadly, but at least I can still grab this one relatively early. Though hopefully you don't end up cancelling it :c

Anyways, right off the bat one of the things that really sold me on this fic was its word. I like the pseudo-medieval/pseudo-modern setting and the fact that we're entirely focused on a Pokemon world here, with no humans that get transported to said world. I like it when fics take the concept of PMD straight and ignore the taken to another world aspect because it does make for a more coherent world to explore, at least in my opinion.

You set this up straight from the start, introducing us to the political intrigue going on between Horizon and Aeon and the underlying problems that are going on between the kingdoms. In particular, I like the theme of modernism vs tradition that you have going on here. Aeon isn't as technologically advanced as Horizon, but there are also things that Horizon has as flaws that Aeon doesn't because of their adherence to nature and traditions. Of course, that also means that characters like Yuna and Noctum are deprived of more modern accommodations and even of the way in which other species might see them.

For example, a relationship I'm kind of interested in seeing more of is Noctum's parallel with Vortex. Vortex is a proud charizard through and through, someone that's very confident in himself and knows how to move around the world and probably has grown up with ideas of what charizard should represent. Ideas that go against what Noctum probably knows. I mean, it's not like Noctum is treated as less than necessary, but considering that he lives in a country of dragons while not being a dragon himself...I can imagine it can be a little hard to fully accept one's self-worth, and wouldn't be surprised if he's gotten mocked by that fact. It's also telling that Baraz, Yuna's other attendant, is also an "unconventional" dragon in a way.

This differing viewpoints stemming from different upbringings is something that makes multiple characters clash throughout the story and it paints every interaction. There are so many things Yuna doesn't know about Horizon because of how sheltered she's being and how secretive Horizon is, and similarly, there are so many assumptions that Horizon citizens have about the people of Aeon because of what they've been thought to think about the dragons.

Also, before I move on, I have to commend you for how you've adapted the feeling of Generation 8 to PMD. You've even got a shady chairman character in Vortex along with his assistant. The Crowne Cup feels like a parallel to the pokemon league and you even have the parallels with Horizon relying on ether energy kind of like how Galar relies on Dynamax. I also see that Dynamax here will be the equivalent to what Ultra Beasts were in Guiding Light, in how it changes pokemon and makes them more aggressive and the mystery behind what Ether is and what the villains plans are is constantly in the background.

Well we've talked about the world and the set up but now I want to talk about what really sells this story for me, the characters.

I think where you've always triumphed is in your characters, how you write them and make them really interesting and different from each other. It always feels like you're embodying the feeling of a proper PMD game in how they're presented and their interactions with one another. I particularly love the fast chemistry between Yuna, Nikki and Chiaki and while they still have a lot of work to do I appreciate that they're on more even ground than your trio from Guiding Light which needed 30 chapters to get on even ground.

Misfits having to fight together isn't anything new, but with these three I find it particularly interesting. What exactly is Chiaki's deal? What makes him want to win the Crowne Cup? and for someone that's part of such a prestigious family why is he treated as a loner? The same applies to Nikki and the fact that she's actually there on a scholarship and yet seems to have a prior beef with Shimmer and the other pokemon in the academy.

As for Yuna, well, you made me gain new appreciation for Drippy, prior to this I barely remembered it existed but now I really love it and its line and I'm really intrigued with what you'll do with Yuna. I'm also curious about what path her character will take as she gets more accostumed to Horizon and the people there, she's already started becoming more outspoken and confident in herself.

The supporting cast is vast, real vast, so much so that I'm surprised we're in chapter 9 and are still getting introduced to new characters. On one hand this makes your world feel more populated and it lets us see all the different types of mon representing Horizon. On the other hand I worry that we might run into the problem of having too many characters and only a few really getting attention.

However the ones that we've gotten to see more of so far make me really curious. I particularly like Vegna, Vortex and Demerzel. With Vortex and Demerzel it kind of feels like they're at odds with each other and like they both have an agenda they're trying to push. Vegna's just fun, I love how he's basically this story's version of Snape but even he's in on how overdramatic his reputation is. I don't think he's as bad a guy as people want to paint him as.

Shimmer's one that I'm really watching out for because it feels like his character has a lot of potential. He reminds me the most of Shane out of your new cast as someone that's generally kind of entitled and feels like he deserves to be treated a certain way, though at least Shimmer has status to justify that. However, I've read enough of your stories to know that Shimmer probably has something really tragic lying in wait, especially with how confident he is that his uncle is innocent. Would be sad if that weren't true now would it?

Lastly, and to keep it somewhat brief, I want to touch on your story structure and what we've seen of it so far.

I'm of two minds about this area of your story. Guiding Light was a real slow burn in what story progression was concerned and I kind of feel like this one will too? Academy stories are kind of supposed to be more character focused and the fact that you have the main story, the Crowne Cup as well as other minor subplots such as Shimmer's and Yuna's practice trials, it feels like you've got enough set up here to last you a while. However, that does mean that at some point the story might feel like it's spinning its wheels a little, but I'm sure we'll reach some kind of important story moment in one of those three areas soon enough.

And don't get me, wrong I like that you have so many things set up. There's more chances for us to learn more about the world, the character and the background of the story that way and I'm really excited to see what you do in regards to the practice trial. Court room fic written by Ambyssin sounds like a real treat.

But anyways, hopefully I can actually keep up with this story/it doesn't die, because it's really fun and I'm really excited to see where it goes.

 

[canisaries]

Hey! I'd been wondering for a while if I should check this story out, since I know Guiding Light didn't go so well for me and I kind of felt bad about that. Now with the Blitz, though, might as well! I've read the prologue, and here are my thoughts.

Not that we don't appreciate the hospitality, Lord Douglas.

ohhh god i'm going to read all the following lines in vinny vinesauce's mr. dink voice now aren't i

and actually let me say here that I'm surprised that you included a Galarian Weezing in the story because I got the feeling everyone just kind of collectively suppressed the knowledge of its existence, if you'll excuse my strong opinion. Either way, good on you for daring to take a path less traveled there.

we'll finally have a solution to this blasted mystery dungeon problem.

AHH HE SAID IT HE SAID IT

What she found, however, was a cloud of black shadows surrounding a black, crystalline plague mask. Its red, gemstone eyes were a perfect match to the top of the needle.

I'm not sure if this is from somewhere or an original design, but I think it's a cool one.

A frog caught in her throat.

don't you mean a froakie uheuhuehue

As the shadows climbed up her body, they ripped off her uniform.

whoa WHOA this is a FAMILY FRIENDLY site

Remember the family creed, Yunavresca: seize the day by the horns!

A nice dragon-flavored motto.

---

General Thoughts

So I'm a bit mixed on this. On one hand, there are ideas and concepts that I like here, but execution-wise, I bumped into some minor gripes that held it back for me.

Right from the get-go, we get the impression of a world that has a lot of structure and detail. We have legendary birds working for what seems to be a kind of royal guard, we have some inner politics, we have lots of characters... but this actually brings me to one of those gripes I mentioned: there is a lot introduced in a short amount of time. I decided to count, and in just the first 600 words we have 10 new named entities introduced. Now, it can be said that they aren't all so important that a reader would have to memorize them within this time, but my counterargument to that is that we don't yet know how important these names are and what we should come out of this remembering, this only being the very start of the story. Consequently, for readers like me that like to play it safe, it gets slower to read as we try to internalize the information before the next piece comes.

Also on the subject of names but from a more specific perspective, it's slightly offputting to have characters be named not only after gods/demons from real-life cultures, but from totally different cultures at that (although I know Quetzal itself only means a type of bird, and Quatzalcoatl is the name of the god). They aren't super famous entities in Western culture like the way Zeus or Thor would be (save for Bahamut ≈ Behemoth), but they're pretty well known for people who've dug a little deeper into world religions or just bumped into them through some other media (SMT/Persona comes to mind).

The structural setup of "powerful figures in a mundane seeming situation" -> "sudden escalation and tone shift, show powerful beings succumbing to villain to establish power levels" -> "shift to actual protagonist waking up from a nightmare possibly linked to those previous events while showing the environment and situation of the protagonist" is great as a plan, but in practice, that first part lasted a little too long for me. I think a factor in me losing engagement was that none of these characters really seemed likable or ones I would like to follow. Instead, they come across as whiny, even classist and xenophobic. On top of that, they're powerful both physically and politically, meaning you get the reverse effect of empathizing with an underdog.

It could be that you were deliberately going for unlikable characters so that we feel satisfaction when they suffer - a common trick in horror movies - but it's a risky move to pull when starting a story for a reader that's yet to be convinced whether to read on. I also didn't hate their guts enough for it to be entertaining in its own right, so what I was left with was just feeling mildly sorry for them once they got Phantomed. If you meant for them to be likable instead, I would suggest giving them some more humanizing moments, like saying they slept poorly last night or that they have something important tomorrow. Everyone can relate to that regardless of societal status.

And now that I've mentioned the Phantoming: I think it's a cool idea to have the Galarian versions of the legendary birds be their corrupted versions. Unfortunately, I actually missed or misinterpreted a couple of signs of the birds being Kantoan at the start (e.g. thought "producing a cloud of frost" was just a reference of it being cold outside), and I was unsure about it until some way in, because I was aware there was a Galarian Moltres in this story. In any case, the Galarian versions certainly seem more malicious in the source material, so that choice makes sense, and if I'm guessing correctly, the Galarian Weezing is there to show that Galarian = bad just for the birds.

Anyway, that's it for what I have to say. It probably didn't come across as very favorable, but I'd like to stress that the points I've given here are all somewhat minor and I think the rest of my disinterest just boils down to personal preference. It could just be that our respective styles aren't each other's cups of tea, and that's just fine. Best of luck with writing on.

 

[zion of arcadia]

Henlo, Amby! I read chapter one a while back, but life made reviewing things tricky in general around that time. Glad I get to rectify the situation. :)

It took far more of Yuna's strength than she cared to admit just to float down the hallway. Her gaze remained fixed on the marble floor and, every so often, she bobbed closer to it before jerking back up.

Interesting that we mention Yuna’s use of sleep seeds to open the chapter. I could see that coming into play somehow down the line. She’s already showed up late once, it could potentially happen again and cause ~~conflict~~.

Baraz is really likable right off the bat. I enjoy how you described his movements. He reminds me a little bit of a nice old grandpa, lol. Baraz seems kind and loyal, but also contributes to alienating Yuna from the rest of her peers. There’s a lot to work with there for both of them.

What was stopping Noctum from grabbing food for her to eat later, anyway?

Good character detail. Shows how sheltered Yuna ultimately is, as well as reliant on her servants. Makes for a solid character flaw to explore down the line.

The way meltin are described reminds me a little of the keepers from Mass Effect. I wonder what role they’ll play in the overarching story. I already feel like there’s a theme developing: often unseen workers keep everything functioning smoothly.

I admit I wasn’t the biggest fan of the Crimson Zephyr (that’s their team name, I’m assuming). I did soften to this section after noticing a review likening them to traditional Saturday morning cartoons. Plus the visual of Greedent belly flopping out of the air vent was hilarious.

But overall, it just felt a little… checklist-y? As if you needed to incorporate some sort of goon duo because that’s what the games do. Plus it gives it a similar feel to the beginning chapters of Guiding Light. As far as I can tell, the fight establishes Baraz’s strength and makes them even later. I guess it also gets the attention of the headmaster. I’m just not sure the tradeoff is worth it.

The oak doors creaked when Baraz threw them open with his tail. Yuna hoped the chatter of her peers would drown out the noise, but was horrified to find the dining hall dead silent.

Oof, I can relate to the feeling of being introduced to a totally new group so much. It’s a scary feeling, and you do a good job capturing that by having Yuna focus on a miscellaneous detail (the chandelier).

Vortex and Ariana remind me a little of Dumbledore and McGonagall. They seem like a fun pair that will riff off each other nicely.

I also liked how you built up Noctum’s reveal by comparing him to Vortex. It sets our expectations for shinies in this world and also clues us into potentially how sheltered Yuna really is. And most importantly! When in doubt, add more Charizard.

The galarian ponyta and the toxtricity seem like they’re being set up to become Yuna’s teammates. You and your feminine men. Also, I’m sure there won’t be any homoerotic tension between Yuna and the toxtricity at all. :P

The Crowne Cup sounds fun. Can’t go wrong with a tournament arc, imo. I do hope it’s similar to the Triwizard Tournament in that the events themselves are creative, interesting setpieces, as opposed to fairly standard battling/dungeon crawling.

But in the back of her mind she could hear her father scolding her meek posture.

Oho, that’s interesting. Perhaps time away will help Yuna establish herself outside her parents’ shadows.

Noctum is also adorable. I could totally see him and Baraz crocheting together or something while gossiping about Yuna’s school life, haha. Or starting a llama farm together as heterosexual life partners (or even… lovers! Oo la la, heh).

He was certainly more… animated than the charizard she was used to.

On my re-read, this line stuck out to me. It seems incongruous with what we’re actually shown on introduction. Noctum seems just as energetic as Vortex. Something like flamboyant might be a better word choice here.

One prediction I have is that eventually, Yuna is going to be separated from Noctum and Baraz, forcing her to fend for herself. That’ll be interesting to see. She’s very reliant on them.

"At least I won't have to listen to Mother saying 'Respect your body and it'll respect you back,' whenever I ask about evolution."

lol

Xeromus is a type: null… right? I do wish we’d gotten a little more description there. Unless, I suppose, it’s meant to be intentionally obtuse.

Oh, so you’re incorporating the Darkest Day elements. It feels very biblical too. That should tie in well with the feudalism angle you’re exploring, considering how intertwined the two were (hell, even now, so much pop culture is rooted in biblical references).

The ether stuff is, I’m pretty sure, a Final Fantasy reference. I have vague recollections of some sort of magical energy source being part of the plot of several games, anyway. Xeromus seems to be foreshadowing a bunch of stuff, and reiterating the potential for class warfare again. I dig it.

A rainbow beam surrounded him and whisked him off into the sky seconds before more Ice Shards came flying in. Yuna squealed and flopped to the ground.

… Is it bad that I laughed? Because this legit got a snort out of me. The man was like, ‘I’m outta here.’ LMAO.

Aha! Cid! I understood that reference! :D

Mostly due to Kingdom Hearts, but hey, we take what we can get.

We also get to see Noctum in action. Him and Baraz being good fighters makes a lot of sense. It also probably explains why Yuna isn’t great at battling. I like how she still tried standing up to Xeromus though; it lends her a sense of agency, even if she doesn’t necessarily have the strength to force anything just yet.

And we end with having to meet Mamma and Papa. I admit, I didn’t even realize they were in the kingdom. That’s a really nice little cliffhanger. Fun chapter overall, does a good job establishing Yuna and her servants. I wonder if maybe there were too many characters crammed into an opening chapter--might be hard to keep track of them all-but that’s a minor quibble.

Keep up the good work! And here, a poem:

To travel without baggage, sleep in the train
on a hard wooden bench,
forget your native land,
emerge from small stations
when a gray sky rises
and fishing boats head to sea.

--First stanza of ‘En Route’ by Adam Zagajewski

 

[Navar]

Hi Amby. Like I said before I'm reviewing PoV... Well, it's not the 2k word review. Yet. For now this is only covering the prologue!

Anyway, I don't get why you're always saying bad things about this, I enjoyed it. A lot, in fact, I got hooked on that Phantom scene. A unique enemy, so it seems. It kinda reminded me of Shadow Pokémon, or Primal Diaga, for whatever reason. Whatever. The point is: I have no idea what this "Phantom" thing is, but that left me intrigued and thirsty for more content. So I think you did a good job.

Choosing Dreepy was a nice touch. Granted, I barely know about gen 8 so maybe this fic will actually help me with that?, but I love Dreepy! Such a cute mon, and this one in particular is touching. She's a dragon. And apparentely there's a whole thing against dragons? That's another thing that left me curious enough to wanna read more.

As for descriptions, nothing to complain about here. On the contrary, it was nice and I felt a sense of uneasiness, especially during the beginning segment, with the Phantom part. It felt good and exciting to read about them, I love action in the first chapter! I know it can be har dto do, but if it's well executed, it works wonders, and in this case, it did!

It's been some time since I last read one of your fics, but I might just binge PoV tomorrow, I'm very excited about what this story has to offer. Thanks for making it!

---

 

[LukerUpgradez]

Heya Amby! I've caught up with Path of Valor since my last review, and I'm stoked to provide some feedback. I'll mainly cover this from the perspective of how the story has changed between chapters 4 and 8.

The main positive point I observed in my reading was the significant effort made to link characters to one another. Seifer joining Noctum and Baraz as retainers/guards for Yuna and the scene in chapter 8 that connects Team Striker to Shimmer are the two story decisions I would say were most wise. I'm also interested to read how Carpaccio's new role with the Phantoms will play out. It seems like you've taken serious measures to ensure that your cast does not get away from you since chapter 4, which is awesome to see!

In the meantime, you've been setting up some very interesting plot threads involving Yuna, Nikki, and Shimmer, who I would call your best set of characters so far. Nikki's vendetta against Shimmer is a bit of an unexpected development for her -- as implied by Chiaki, Nikki seems far from the type of character to have a goal to cheat that isn't personal gratification. It makes me wonder what happened that made Nikki feel that way, as I can't imagine it isn't any deeper than Shimmer's tests having different handwriting. Did Nikki and Shimmer have some kind of friendship before Nikki became the delinquent she is? Is Shimmer the reason Nikki is a delinquent? I think there's a lot of routes you could take this plot thread that will only benefit these characters.

If I were to guess how this upcoming court case will go, I see three possible outcomes. Either A. Yuna will learn Shimmer intends to use his authority as prince to rig the case in his favor, proving to Yuna that Nikki was right, B. Yuna will become a wedge in Shimmer's plan and cause them to lose the case, piling on another loss for her character to deal with, or C. Yuna will find some incriminating evidence that proves Benedict actually is guilty, much to Shimmer's irritation. It could be one, two, or all three of these, for all I know, but I imagine whatever occurs will likely deepen the wedge between Yuna and Shimmer as rivals to one another.

As for what's going on outside of the scope of the school, I've observed a dilemma that hadn't entirely registered to me until recently. As of now, the Phantoms seem to be this story's central antagonists, setting up some kind of plan with a link to Yuna's current stay at Horizon Academy. But, from the scenes we've been given of them so far, it seem that the Phantoms are mostly interested in attacking the kingdom of Radiance, less so the Aeon Kingdom. What, then, is the connection between Yuna and the Phantoms? I'm going to guess it has something to do with her ability to see the Radiant Guard in sleep (which I'm convinced is absolutely some kind of powers of hers, and the sleep seeds help to suppress it).

In any case, I'm interested in the future of Path of Valor's story and characters. I wish you the best of luck in writing it! Have a lovely new year.

 

[IFBench]

I'm here to write a review on chapter 2 of this!

I quite like the chapter title. It conveys just what this chapter is going to be about, and with the "Uh" part, that it'll likely be from Yuna's perspective.

I am very intrigued that the Galarian fossilmons are in this story, and seem to be relatively commonplace, too! I wonder what the explanation behind their existence is?

Yuna is such a sweetheart and I love her.

Looks like we're getting a look at some minor villains already! These two are pretty humorous, though they got serious when they needed to. I liked the battle with them, too! It was short, but nicely done!

Looks like Yuna isn't going to be the only one having a hard time with the other students here. Poor Baraz.

I really like Vortex. He's quite fun to read about.

Looks like this Ponyta is going to be important. I'm guessing they're royalty of this kingdom, judging by the tiara?

And Yuna seems to be stressed about the Crowne Cup. Makes sense, Dreepys aren't able to learn very many moves, especially without TMs and TRs. I wonder what's going to happen once Yuna inevitably has to battle on her own?

"That's easy. Smile!" Noctum puffed out his chest. "People like warmth and friendliness. Nothing conveys that like a smile. Watch." He turned to his right, grinning, and waved at a passing ice darumaka. "Hello! Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?"

The darumaka froze mid-step. Her eyes fixed on Noctum's toothy maw. "Ahh! Don't eat me, mister! I don't taste good!" She turned tail and ran off before Noctum could even retort. Yuna floated over and pet Noctum's back while his tail flame dimmed.

That got a chuckle out of me.

Oh dear. Looks like trouble is afoot, and likely religious trouble.

Initially, I thought you meant ether as in the item, but then I realized what you actually meant, though the picture of ethers being alcoholic is an amusing one.

I do wonder what all this is about. Looks like Eternatus is going to be important in this story since the Darkest Day was mentioned, but what do Natus and the school have to do with all this? I'm excited to find out more.

"Cease your prattling. I am your help. You see… but you are blind! And I am the eyewear that will restore your true vision!"

This line is simultaneously really cool and really silly. I love it.

I am very intrigued about this next part. Just why does Xeromus insist that he's not only a hero, but the hero? What exactly is the distinction between the two? How did Xeromus escape? More questions that I'm really excited to see answered as I read further.

And Yuna's parents want to speak with her. Oh boy.

Overall, that was a great chapter, with a lot of intrigue, establishing several characters and concepts, and just being plain fun to read. I look forward to reading more!

 

[Navar]

Well Amby, this is it. As I promised I’m making a large, beefy review for your story. I say this everytime I’m making one of those large reviews, but my comments are fresh. As soon as I’m done with a chapter, I already make the review for it, so the content stays on my mind. Another detail that I think I need to add is that I’m a terrible critic. Really, I can’t critique stuff to save my life, so this review is just me screaming about the cool stuff I read. With that in mind, I’m reviewing all the chapters today. Hopefully you’ll enjoy this.

Chapter 1​

So during this chapter we see more of Yuna, a Dreepy. She seems like a likeable protagonist from the start, being kind, but also nervous about her new school. And so she goes to the hall, but not before meeting thieves, Nickit! They’re just low tier Zorua. Kidding, I actually like Nickit and Thievul. Oh well, a quick but meaningful action scene, where Yuna… Doesn’t fight all that well, but that’s fine. I assume being a princess made her not combat-experienced? I do think this was a nice little scene.

As for the dining hall, I felt sorry for Yuna, she’s trying her best and probably deserves a lot more than all this hate, just because she’s a dragon! Speaking of this hate, it was explained well enough, particularly during the next scene, where Yuna and Noctum are walking around the town, and the poor Charizard is trying to cheer Yuna up by smiling, only for some random mons to run away. I think it’s a nice example of worldbuilding. Also, random comment but that Toxtricity exhales Suzie from Deltarune, haha. If it’s intentional, nice reference.

As for the final action scene, it instantly grabbed my attention. I… Couldn’t quite figure out what Pokémon Xeromus is, I honestly thought he was a Type:Null, but it’s fine. It didn’t take away from the fight, and to be honest I was kinda agreeing with him in the sense that the world isn’t black and white, it was a stunning speech and with it I could tell a lot about his personality. Also, Yuna got lucky, didn’t she? Managed to hit what I think it’s a totter seed. Oh well, I guess this is it for chapter 1, going to the next one now.

Chapter 2​

So I like this chapter. I really do, like before I’ll split my thoughts based on the order of the scenes, so I can make them actually not look like rambles, lol.

Starting off with the gorgeous cotton candy Ponyta. I thought he was gonna be friends with Yuna, but apparently he’s the jerk all schools have. Oh well, hopefully I’m wrong. After all, I’m writing this right as I finished the chapter. Anyway, he’s playing a game with his friend, and I think that’s a good way of showing character, by his interactions with Robin. Now, billard is an interesting game, like chess, it can serve as a way to show how characters truly are. Or maybe you were just doing it because it’s cool.

So those are Yuna’s parents. Of course, I think they’re very protective of her, but that’s not a bad thing. Parents are just… Like that. This scene was very important, plot=wise, as we now have Yuna being an active protagonist and wanting to be in the cup. I really liked this, it was a sweet and touching moment. Another thing I need to say is that Noctum is super sweet. I think he’s my favorite character so far, and honestly, I don’t like Charizard all that much. But I guess you’re just that good of a writer, haha.

Okay, this one scene… I wanna say I’m surprised, but to be honest, I’m not. And yet I think it really hooked me in. So Yuna is actually getting the underdog team. This sets up a nice conflict, as we now need to know if she’s gonna make it or not. Probably yes, but I feel some tension during this. Good work, going to chapter 3 now.

Chapter 3​

Another good chapter. The worldbuilding with Yuna and Chiaki was fun. Somehow I imagined that all her teammates were gonna be jerks, lol. But anyway, I guess it’s a nice team, a Dreepy, a Grovyle and a Toxtricity. The one that’s more interesting to me is Grovyle, so I do hope he gets some nice character development during this story.

And of course cotton candy horse speaks about Yuna. I’m not even sure why I’m surprised, but it was a good surprise. Also, roll credits with “Path of Valor”, you did it, you incorporated the title into a line. I’m not sure how often that’s done, but it’s always cool to see. Overall, I think that song was sweet, it’s sad that it isn’t an actual song, but oh well.

To top it off, another creepy scene with the omen. Oh boy, I was on the edge of my seat with this one. To be honest for like a minute I thought he was going to brainwash the two into being his servants, I don’t know, it feels like the type of thing a creepy being like him would do. Guess I was wrong about that, but nonetheless, this was a chapter I really enjoyed. I hope to see more of all those characters, especially Chiaki and the omen. Well done Amby, reading the next one now.

Chapter 4​

Alright, first things first. The opening scene got a chuckle from me, because the interaction Vortex was having was just gold. He’s a character I really want to see more of, with all the actions he’s doing, I’m always a fan of those types of characters. So my take is that Vortex is the best. I was more of a fan of Noctum, but this changed my mind, good work.

A Zarude doctor? Unusual choice, but I liked it. So during this scene the main team is formally introduced. As I thought, both of them act like they don't care about Yuna, but we’ll see. At least they’re being nice enough to work with her, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. By the way, still love Chiaki, after Vortex, he’s my favorite. Also really liked the explanation behind the team name.

Team Striker? A Gardevoir, a Lucario and a Intelleon. Hm, they all seem to be very excited about their job here, nothing to comment on that, just liked the choices. Anyway, my favorite scene during this chapter was probably Rotom explaining the Cup. I can tell this is gonna be fun, and I hope Nikki’s plan works, although… I doubt it’s gonna work, so there’s some tension happening around. Also, bonus points because Nikki called them clods. She’s Peridot and Suzie.

To finish this, I think the descriptions were once again marvelous and managed to tell me how the place they were in was, they did their job, I guess. Overall, this was a fun chapter, telling more about the word and I really appreciate that you did so well with this. I’m not a big fan of (for the lack of a better word) “tournament arcs”, but it seems to be going well so far. Now I’m gonna go read chapter 5.

Chapter 5​

Holy shit. This might just be my favorite chapter yet. The action, the interactions, the plot… Very, very good Amby! God this one was a thrill from start to finish, I’m very much hooked on this fi, I don’t even know why I didn’t read your stuff before. Well, here I go with my thoughts on this chapter!

So! Right at the start we see that Nikki is a fucking pro, knocking everyone out with Boomburst. Of course, that was a bit strong. Which caught my attention. Hmm… Well, with the others out of the way, Team Bastion charges into the maze.

The maze made me nervous. I think what happened here was that the scene itself was simple, yet effective in showing that the team was having trouble despite knocking out most of the others. Because of that, it was a nice change of pace, and it also showed how they all work together, it’s rocky for now, but with enough experience they might be better later on, only time will tell. And I sure hope it does!

And of course Nikki cheated. I expected nothing and I’m still disappointed with her. But hey, a character needs flaws, right? In this case, her flaw cost the team greatly, as they now need to go to detention to pay for it. As I suspected, they didn’t win this one. However, I am very excited to see how this will turn out for Team Bastion. Gonna go read chapter 6 now.

Chapter 6​

Okay, this one chapter surpassed my expectations. Starting off with Noctum and Vortex, I love them both, but seriously, Vortex is a prick… Fair enough to him, I guess. Other than that, the meeting was well done. A Whimsicott, and a mutant one, was not what I expected, but I’ll take it. With this talk we know more about the world. I’m more curious about Bahamut, though. Hope I see them soon. Anyway, what got my attention was the Snorlax. So he was dynamaxed? I see you’re using the Gen 8 lore. Maybe Eternatus will appear someday? I hope so. This scene was also very sad, as the Snorlax worked at the school. I feel really, really sorry for him. It was somber, so kudos to you for doing that.

To finish the chapter we have another scene with the Phantom, and he’s as creepy as usual. Recruiting the Nickit was something I assumed would happen, and it’s nice to see that I was right. This does set up a good plot, since the Phantom is obviously the main villain here, and what his goals and motivations are? A mystery, but one that I can’t wait to see unraveled. WIth that in mind, I think this chapter’s greatest strength was the first scene, seeing how different Vortex and Noctum act was a great way of showing how they’re… Well, individuals, with their own emotions, thoughts and actions, and it helps them feel distinct. Good job with this chapter.

Chapter 7​

Now we’re back to the main trio. Uh, I should probably mention that I thought the Snorlax was dead, and not just… Wounded. I was just being stupid, but oh well. Now, this chapter had some very nice backstory for Chiaki, and that just made me like him even more, even if he and Nikki are still… Not so great with Yuna, but it’s fine, it’s good to see teams that aren’t working well all the time, as long as they don’t all hate each other.

Also important to notice is the meaning behind Vegna’s “Grim Reaper” alias, which, honestly, was something I didn’t expect. I just thought he was like, I don’t know, an executioner? Regardless, it’s teaching time now! And cotton candy horse continues to be a prick to Yuna for reasons unknown. At the very least, they’ll be working together as a team, so this should be a good experience for some bonding moments! Okay, this should be enough for this chapter, going to the last one now.

Chapter 8​

Oh God the title of this chapter reminds me of one of my own chapters, haha.

ARCANINE! Sorry for that, I just get super excited whenever I see someone using Arcanine, he’s one of my favorites. Oh well, bonding moment for Shimmer and Yuna, or at least I hope.

And immediately Yuna gets bullied because of Nikki, not fair to the Dreepy, but characters can be jerks, I suppose. Apart from that, I think this scene showed more of Shimmer, he doesn’t mean harm to Yuna, but it’s not sugar-coating anything. I like that, and also, Yuna is smarter than she looks? To be honest I didn’t really see much of that about her, but I might have missed something out.

Also, I think the technology of the Aeon Kingdom is cool. It’s more akin to the modern world, while the rest of the planet is more primitive, I guess? It does make me wonder why it’s like that, but it creates enough of an intrigue that I chose to ignore this, or maybe it’s gonna be revealed later.

Uncle Benedict seems like a nice guy and I really hope he’s not being guilty of that crime, otherwise he’s just the “selfish rich guy” that’s common in fics. Considering you have an unique writing style, I doubt that’s the case. Shimmer’s plan is brilliant, though. I always enjoy detective scenes.

Back to Team Bastion. Now, it seems I have judged Nikki badly, and she’s not as bad as she looks. Thank God, because it means I can actually root for her. This does make me wonder if Shimmer isn’t… Planning something nasty. Guess I’ll have to find out later.

Conclusion​

Another fic to add to my ever growing list of ones I look forward to. With that being said, I can tell you’re a talented writer, and I’m excited to see what you have in mind for the rest of this story!

 

[zion of arcadia]

Back at it again with another review! I’m technically all caught up on Path of Valor, but for the most part I’ll keep my analysis strictly to chapter two.

The first chapter was primarily from Yuna’s perspective, so it was interesting that this chapter changes POV quite a bit more. Characters we only glimpsed before are now expanded upon; I really like the pacing so far, the way they slide in and out of narrative with specific scenes that flesh them out--expanding upon the plot and world building as well--before shifting to someone else.

Shimmer’s introduction in particular is a standout, opening with the classic pool playing scene. It does an excellent job establishing both Shimmer and Robin. Shimmer is very different from Yuna, but I noticed they both share a sense of entitlement and privilege as a result of their royal upbringing. Should make for a strong throughline to explore (with Robin and Xander reflecting Baraz and Noctum).

There’s also a fun little gender interplay happening here, given that pool imagery often has masculine subtext, while Shimmer’s mannerisms (and Galarian Ponyta’s design) are coded feminine. The comparisons (and contrast) with Shane are obvious, although I’ll refrain from further pursuing that meta train of thought until a later chapter.

"So? I'm not her babysitter," Xander sneered. "You gonna tear up the school halls every time she sneezes?"

You probably meant Shimmer here. Or else Xander is having an oddly caustic conversation with himself. Speaking of Xander, he was the only one of the trio I didn’t get a strong sense of personality from, other than he may or may not stalk Yuna on Shimmer’s behalf.

I didn’t realize you referenced Chiaki so early until just now. It continues the pattern of introducing characters in passing and then expanding upon them later. There’s a clever misdirect up until Yuna’s changed teammates are revealed, and I was genuinely surprised Shimmer didn’t get paired with Yuna. Instead, he seems to be positioned more as a rival. I’m glad Chiaki wasn’t shown right away, it would’ve made the first chapter feel cluttered.

I hear they still live in shacks made of mud and rocks.

Another theme I’ve slowly come to notice is technology vs spirituality. The dragons all seem more on the religious/superstitious side, while the fairies are more technologically advanced, harboring a natural sense of superiority as a result. You can see this most obviously when you compare Vortex with Noctum. However, the tradeoff seems to be a growing energy crisis and an inability to deal with mystery dungeons. It’s a solid political set up because Yuna’s family has something the other side desperately needs.

That said, it does sometimes feel like the politics are explained to us in an overly expository way. And sometimes in an effort to explain certain events and concepts, other events and concepts are brushed over. Like how a foreign power swept through Horizon with airborne surveillance. It might’ve made more sense for Yiazmet and Calcifer to hold that fact a little closer to their chest, give the political intrigue a little more, uh, intriguing, haha.

The cane is for show. A status symbol," Vortex retorted.

Chekov’s cane?

Vortex is starting to remind me of Rose. A charismatic charlatan with a more nefarious hidden agenda. His platitude-riddled speech about hope seems both ironic and sincere, especially given the way people react to it.

I would’ve preferred Yuna assert her own agency and stick up to her parents without Vortex’s prodding. It didn’t seem necessary and some of the back and forth dialogue between him and Yiazmet felt too on the nose during this segment. That said, I liked it when Yuna did finally assert herself. And Vortex scrambling to support her moment of autonomy out of self-interest was very funny.

Tensing further, Cid held up his right arm. His telekinesis shut the office door. As he back away from Arianna, Vortex turned to her.

I really liked this paragraph. The psychic camera almost swivels to track Yuna and co. out the room before refocusing on Vortex as the new primary POV. There is a minor typo with ‘back’ instead of ‘backed’, however.

The reminder that Vortex is still a principal was amusing. And all of Nikki’s dialogue shines here, further establishing her as a loveable rogue type character. Not to mention another reference to Starlene; this does a good job effectively building us up to the main event in the next chapter.

The way Cid echoes Nikki, Chiaki, and Yuna by being a new faculty member binds their entire team to a common theme--in one way or another, they’re outsiders in Horizon Academy. And it seems they all wish to be validated by their peers in one way or another. Well, except maybe Chiaki. He’s still something of a mystery at this point.

We end with a brief mention of Vegna, and whoo boy, that’ll be an interesting character to talk about when we get there. Lots of moving parts being set up here. The expository dialogue could perhaps be dialed back somewhat, but otherwise I’m really enjoying myself. All the characters have their own motivations and goals, working for and against each other in tandem with or against the narrative. And lurking in the background is the Phantom.

Keep up the good work!

 

[Pen]

Hey Amby! Here for your Review Blitz prize review. I read chapters 1-8, so I’m all caught up now. I'll limit myself to plot, character, and pacing as requested. I didn't grab lines as I read, so apologies if my thoughts are a little jumbled here and not super chapter-specific.

Character

You’ve got a big ensemble cast here, and it took me a while to keep track of everyone. You’ve done a nice job giving them visual markers, and I feel like if this were an animated show I’d find my footing faster. There’s a lot of names thrown around--Shimmer’s introductory scene was a bit of a blur. I had to revisit it to realize that she was talking about Chiaki. On reread I noticed that Shimmer calls Chiaki’s bodyguard a gabite, when she’s really a Garchomp. Wasn’t sure if that’s ignorance or malice, but it’s a nice character detail that I couldn’t really appreciate at the time.

Chiaki’s probably the character I enjoy most so far. Maybe I just have a weakness for grovyle (and too much Explorers of Sky nostalgia) but he’s managed to be a standoffish character who doesn’t go so far into asshole territory that I stop caring. When he mentioned people like him needing to know protect, I wondered whether it was because of his family business or his charming personality. Turns out to be the former. For a while I was speculating that he was the heir to Polaris, but apparently it’s the other way round--he’s the heir to Polaris’ only competition. It’s interesting that his parents, despite running something of an opposition newspaper, decided to send their son to an academy that seems to embody all the excesses of the regime. But perhaps those kinds of political connections will be necessary for their business to survive. I’m curious how Polaris’ domination came about--is this markets run amok or is Polaris state-backed to some extent? One final thing I’m keeping my eye on with Chiaki--why didn’t he recognize boomburst? He seems to be pretty knowledgeable about movesets and claims to do his research, so that raised my eyebrows.

Yuna’s sweet enough. She’s meek, except for the times when she decides to challenge raging Type Nulls to combat. That whole encounter surprised me a bit. I wondered why a teenager would be able to do more in combat than an adult. At first I thought that maybe the dragon kingdom emphasized battling more, which would go with their reputation as being more “primitive” but it seems from the talk surrounding the crown cup that battling is pretty strongly emphasized in the fairy kingdom too. The other time I felt like Yuna’s actions came a bit out of nowhere was with her desire to join the crown cup. A scene with Prince Shimmer calling her out might have led in more naturally to Yuna’s argument about needing to compete--she needs to represent Aeon as well as herself, and bowing out wouldn’t do that.

We’re shown a lot of anti-dragon prejudice in the fairy kingdom, but one thing I wondered is what prejudices are on the other side. Yuna seems pretty indifferent to the fairies. But in the last chapter we get a tidbit about how the fairy kingdom has basically forced her people to live in caves for centuries. So it seems like there would be some bad-blood and stereotypes on her side too? I saw a bit of that with Noctum’s finding the clothes the pokemon here wear ridiculous. Finally, the prologue mentions Yuna leaving her friends behind to come here, but I don’t remember her once thinking about her friends. It seems natural that she might compare the new students she runs across with people she’s friends with back home, or imagine writing letters to her friends describing all the strange sites/happenings she’s encountering. That kind of thing would make me feel like I know Yuna a bit better outside of the craziness that she’s been flung into.

Of the rest of the cast, Vortex, Vegna, and Noctum stand out the most to me so far. Vortex is a piece of work and I was cheering on Yuna’s parents when they called him out for using peer pressure. He’s a pretty dictatorial headmaster, intercepting mail and wiping memories. I didn’t know what to make of his disdain for Noctum. Charizard are so intertwined with dragon-types in my mind that it’s weird to see a charizard heaping scorn on another charizard for working for dragons. His disdain was intense enough that there’s probably a story there. Vegas is appropriately nasty--I especially like her mannerism of flatly apologizing for her outrageous actions she’s not at all sorry for. She seems to have some healthy disdain for Shimmer, too. I have no idea why you’d want her at a school, but I guess she has some kind of political pull--overall she very much struck me as a sort of Professor Snape sort of character. Noctum’s a sweetie, though I’m enjoying the fact that he has a spine. He doesn’t think much at all of the way the fairy citizens are acting, but he’s not commenting because that’s his job. Compared to Vortex he comes off as more mature to me, since he’s not sacrificing what’s important to him for his ego. I heavily disliked Vortex, which obviously means I’ve been rooting for Demerzel, but there was definitely something odd about his insistence on having lunch/tea with Noctum and Baz. It makes sense to some extent, since he helped organize the treaty, but that’s not a reason to seek out the servants of the princess. I’ll be interested to see what topics he raises when they meet.

Plot

Plot-wise, there’s a lot of balls in the air. The Phantom is trying to gather energy and destroy the fairy kingdom, because he’s upset that they rely on ether. (I still have no idea what ether is--basically a kind of substitute electricity that powers their tech?) He’s been attacking the Needles that hold back distortions ie mystery dungeons for a while, but when he did the attack in the prologue, something was different and his actions have triggered the reemergence of mystery dungeons all throughout the fairy kingdom. This problem with the mystery dungeons is why the kingdom is prepared to make a treaty with the dragon kingdom, who have a technique that’s actually effective at combating the distortions. (It’s interesting that Noctum was told not to perform that technique while he was there--presumably because it’s their negotiating trump card they can’t be too loose with it or give the fairies a chance to figure out how it works before the treaty is finalized?) As part of this treaty, Yuna has been sent to the academy to face a Harry Potter-esque tournament. Meanwhile, Vortex and Demerzel are engaged in political power struggle, Xeromus is running around telling people to convert to Natus, the same name that the Phantom heard (The chant ‘Nos vera Natus’ seems to be sort of Latin? Nos is we, vera is some form of truth, and Natus means arisen/offspring. Not at all ominous), the fairy kingdom is dominated by a monopoly and the dragons believe in Bahamat.

The contrasts between the two realms have been slowly emerging. The fairy kingdom is technologically advanced, highly hierarchical and class-based, and apparently in a state of some decadence. The dragon kingdom doesn’t have technology, seems to be much less concerned with class distinctions, going by Yuna’s relationship with her bodyguards/servants, and is also less constrained in other respects, for example, in regards to relationships. Yuna was freaked out by their “medicine” (a small quibble here, but what do her people call it if not medicine? It’s just that medicine for them takes the form of berries, right?) and Noctum doesn’t wear clothing. The dragon kingdom comes off as a lot more sympathetic so far, not just because we’re in Yuna’s shoes, but because literally everyone we’ve met from the fairy kingdom so far is an asshole. I wonder if we’ll get someone nice, just for variety’s sake.

Some plot things I wondered re Nikki: If Nikki is a sponsored student, is that basically like being a scholarship student? If that’s the case, I don’t know why they haven’t thrown her out yet with everything she does, since no one important would be offended. I was sort of surprised by Nikki’s indignation over the idea of Shimmer cheating--like, you live in a monarchy. The definition of people not getting to where they are by merit. I’m curious what’s given her a worldview that is offended by the crown prince cheating.

I wonder if Yuna will get the chance to meet any “commoners.” Thus far we’ve really only gotten the perspectives of the powerful and the people who serve them. We’ve heard repeated claims that the people of the fairy kingdom are above superstitions like religion, since they have technology, but Xeromus is a data-point otherwise. It was interesting that he said that Yuna was fighting the ether when she intercepted his tri-attack. Was it choosing to fight back that impressed him as anti-ether? Or something else? He said Natus’ fumes cling to her body--I wonder if that’s specific to her or related to her type. There are some other indicators that dragon typing mixes strangely with this realm, like Yuna passing out during the song, presumably since it was a fairy type move?

The defend a criminal in court after one week of “Advanced Law” was a place that really pushed my suspension of disbelief past the breaking point. First, how is this even allowed? If the people they were defending were indigent, that would make more (though still probably not) sense, but at least one is a wealthy and well-connected person. Who would choose to be defended by a teenager with no legal training if they could afford an alternative? So I guess this is a world where defendants can’t hire lawyers. Which would presumably mean that all lawyers are assigned by the state? But why would the state allow teens to do this? It doesn’t really make sense. I’m also not sure why they have advanced law as a class or how ‘advanced law’ equals trial-level defense. For the children of royalty, wealth, and power, it seems like international law, corporate law, or a negotiations class would be a lot more relevant. I assume whatever happened with Shimmer’s uncle is highly plot-relevant and that this assignment is a device to show us his trial, but I don’t see why the class couldn’t just call for the students to sit in. The fact that Yuna gets into this class seems to imply she did a lot of studying about the fairy kingdom before coming. If that’s the case, though, I’m not sure why she’s such a fish out of water in other ways? And her general personality definitely doesn’t seem to be that studious. She spends a fair bit of time choosing not to think about things.

Pacing

Not too much to say here. There’s definitely a lot happening very fast, though things seem to be slowing down to catch a breath in chapters 7 and 8. Chapter 1 in particular felt like a lot of combat scenes without much chance to establish Yuna’s reaction to the school before the scene with her parents. I’ve appreciated the POV switching, especially to Vortex’s POV, since he’s the one in the middle of all the interesting political shenanigans. Noctum’s was also refreshing. In general, I was glad to see that the academy stuff isn’t dominating.

I wouldn’t say there’s any particular plot point I’m dying to see resolved, except maybe getting an explanation for what exactly ether even is, but it was fun reading and seeing the various threads you’ve got here start to pull together. It’s always nice to read something and feel like there’s a plan without having to wait twenty chapters for it to get started. So far the way the school drama has been balanced and incorporated within the larger political/religious/potential doomsday plot has made it easier to swallow. The way the Crown Cup was described in such detail makes me wonder how big a part of the story it will be, but hey, maybe a giant distortion will open up mid-cup and suck everyone somewhere else.

It was a breezy read once I began to recognize who the different characters were. If I get the chance, I'll be back for chapter 9 when it's posted!

 

[kintsugi]

Hello Amby! Here for your blitz prize. I get the feeling you aren't a super huge fan of line edits/typos so I've left those out for now; lmk if you want me to circle back for them or something. This is more of a broad review of prologue-ch8, so I'm all caught up now!

plot
I'd say there are probably five major plots right now? Perhaps 4.5 if we wanted to quibble. The Crowne Cup/those team dramas, whatever Vortex is planning at the school, the peace treaty between the kingdoms, Phantom/Xeromus, and whatever is up with the Dyna/corruption stuff (which I'm pretty sure is a 0.5 since I'm pretty sure Phantom is behind it). The school drama ones are at the forefront right now, and we get to see most of the ensemble cast shine a bit, which I think is a great call--the prologue was a bit harder to get through because I didn't really have any basis for who these characters are or why what was happening was important for them. With the benefit of getting to know the cast a bit more, we're able to see the tension and stakes a lot more clearly: first in the Xeromus fight, and then in the Dynamax Snorlax. I'm a bit reminded of the GL/Bewear bit with the latter in that it's a once-familiar figure who's been mutated into something monstrous, and our protagonists have to beat them down regardless, but given that this one didn't end in sad child sounds, hopefully that's a sign of a happier ending for everyone? Who knows.

There's some interesting conflicts running through here of nobility vs the rest, religion vs science. I thought it was interesting that the Aeon kingdom is portrayed as the religions ones, but the primary threat that we see is in the form of Xeromus (who, as far as I can tell, is from the fairy kingdom?). Also interesting to see references that gods like Bahamut are long gone, and that people in the modern day can dismiss them, since at least through Blacklight spoilers I know Bahamut was at least a Necrozma at some point, perhaps a long time ago. There's that fantasy worldbuilding saying that sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, but I wonder if the flip can also hold here--in this case, the fairy kingdom is trying to find a scientific explanation for some of the more batshit things like Dynaforce and mystery dungeons forming, when in reality the answer might just boil down to "pokemon are weird".

A lot of the nobility plots are kind of assholish, haha. There's a running theme of these characters putting themselves before others--all the passerbys yeeting out of the Xeromus fight to leave Yuna alone sort of drove that one home for me. But then even within the nobility there's an established pecking order as well--Shimmer's uncle is being defended by teenagers in a criminal court case, so I guess no one is important except for the big leagues. But even then, because the international relations are so strained, we see that Yuna's parents are relatively powerless in this state as well, so my takeaway is primarily that there's a lot of people with power but only a few who are actually able to use it. Ties back in interestingly with the large cast full of legendaries here--at some point, does the scale matter any more if you aren't on top? Depending on who's on top, perhaps it doesn't.

"Any questions? Well, I don't care! My function's explaining, not answering. Heh heh. Good luck!"

There's a lot of balls up in the air right now! This sentence was sure a mood though, lol. There are a few bits like where Yuna wakes up after the Xeromus fight and asks about her classmates/the Crowne Cup, and then immediately lampshades it by wondering why she isn't focusing on more important things, like if her parents are okay and know that she's alright--and I'm not really sure if the lampshading works for me, since my gut reaction boils down to, "well, why didn't she?" And I think as a writing construct lampshading works fine if there's an actual solution posed, or if the point is that it's such a laughable thing that no solution could be/need be posed, but in this case it really is a genuine question. Same with the rotom quote, which is almost too on the nose I feel--with this many things going on, there's a lot of explanations, but not many answers.

characters
the bulk of the fic! boy are there a lot. kinda kept my thoughts to the main ones since otherwise we'd be here all day
Yuna
She's a sweetheart, and I see what you were going for with this fish-out-of water thing, which is clever since you can make characters explain things to her without having an "as we both know" thing. She's definitely out of her depth, and I get the sense that she doesn't want to be there either; there's definitely some political tension and she's basically just a pawn in this. I feel a little bad for her--even the moments where she gets to assert herself, like when she's asking her parents to be in the Crowne Cup, are because of Vortex's manipulations. The Xeromus fight is probably the other big standout, and I like what it says about her that she tried to engage despite being way out of her depth, but otherwise, she hasn't really had a chance to be herself yet. Mostly just lots of anxiety and a side of self medication to stay sane. Feelsbadman.

I almost think she's too out of water, if that makes sense--because the story is set in the fairy kingdom, we get to see lots of their culture, traditions, mannerisms, etc. But even with Yuna's entourage and her parents, I'm not sure what I really know about the Aeon kingdom at this point. They don't wear as many fancy clothes as Radiant and they're less technologically advanced, they worship Bahamut (ohhai), and they're more practiced in dealing with the distortions because of Cosmic Blessing (which I take is divine in background). I saw in some other review replies that you'd intended for this story to be more about culture shock than school shenanigans, which I can appreciate, but I wish we got to see more from her. She's studied the Radiant kingdom enough to be permitted to their third-year advanced law class (or it's just nepotism? but this seems silly since it's not really a thing that she or her parents would actually want), but does she have an opinion on the differences? What differences does she see here? One of the interesting things about academy style fics is getting to mix everyone's opinions and backgrounds--so seeing our girl's thoughts on the new water would be neat.

Her knowledge confuses me a bit--she's confused to see that Shimmer has a tiara, for example, but does that mean she truly doesn't know that he's the prince? Are there many princes here, or is the implication that she's familiar enough in their law stuff but not their major political figures?

Chiaki
They play baseball in this world! The things we do to give our characters cool outfits; love this little edgelord and his BLOOD RED TIE with GIANT SKULL on it. Chiaki seems like the brooding sort, but probably the only one on Team Bastion who's actually smart enough to know a little about what's going on. I get the feeling that he's got some political know-how, and it's interesting that he's even here at all given that his parents apparently own the opposition newspaper? And he seems to recognize the Bahamut crest without his kneejerk reaction being gut racism, so that's nice. And his father is, you know, a Nidoking named Sakaki; there is nothing out of the ordinary here and this is sheer coincidence, I'm sure.

Otherwise, he plays his cards close to his chest! I like that he doesn't really care about the Crowne Cup; I'm sure that this will have no conflict with Nkki's desire to prove herself over the rest of the clods.

Nikki
Nikki rounds out the team trio and I really like what she brings to the dynamic: where Chiaki doesn't bother to get involved and Yuna is too afraid, Nikki goes in guns blazing. It's a bit much, but it sets the plot off and gets them all dragged into more problems, so I think she rounds out the trio really nicely! Chiaki and Yuna would just be standing awkwardly in a corner without her lol.

I'm curious why the school keeps her around, honestly! Like I'm always here for characters who talk shit at nobility and her genius plan of blatantly cheating and hoping that the lawyer named Grim Reaper doesn't notice you (while having most of the school staff already out to get you from previous shenanigans) is a quality piece of strategy, but I'm not sure why Vortex puts up with this? He's not against having Meloetta do rough mind control on his students, and in the most recent chapter we learn that Nikki's a sponsorship case--so if they just yeet her, would Minister Shredder really care? Usually the students who can get away with flinging the most shit are the ones who have powerful parents; with Shimmer we can probably assume that they're already aware that he's cheating, but don't want to, you know, put the crown prince in detention.

Nikki also runs into some of the stranger problems about doing modern day fics that still have crown monarchies. She seems surprised that Shimmer would get special treatment and allowed to cheat on his pre-calc? But like, he's the crown prince lol. I don't even live in a monarchy and I can tell you that the kids who have buildings named after them at my university had way longer leashes than I did--I'm curious where Nikki gets the idea that it's just a lack of evidence that's preventing Shimmer from being brought to justice, haha. As I understand it, she's also a third year but she's not a transfer student, so surely she's seen this happening for long enough to put two and two together regarding who gets punishment and who doesn't.

Shimmer
Kind of the rival, but I think he's interesting in that he doesn't have anything against Yuna in particular yet. Like yes, he's racist and classist, but he hates all dragons and poor people equally--which is kind of refreshing from an academy fic perspective, where I'm used to seeing bullies pick on one person in particular. As a character, no, just getting general vibes that he's a sheltered rich boy and I don't see much in him right now, but as a tool for plot development I like what he represents in opposition to Yuna. There's contempt, cruelty, abuse of power--these are all relevant themes for Yuna to challenge herself against as she also starts to make her own questions and decisions, what it means to hold the crown, etc.

Vortex
Seems kinda sus ngl.

He's sort of the biggest asshole in the fairy kingdom so far, but he has some stiff competition lol. I wonder what's in the PMD water that makes all of their schools full of horrible teachers lol. And like, there's standard evil stuff like brainwashing your students and having a teacher who resorts to physical discipline and forging your students' mail and disappearing for all the important bits, but then there's also batshit evil things like letting kids in high school law defend actual cases? Yuna's afraid that these guys are actually guilty and her grade will suffer as a result; I'm afraid that these guys are actually innocent and they get fucked because Shimmer decided not to do his homework or the exchange student doesn't know the minutiae of criminal law in a foreign country. Definite dystopian vibes here lol; fuck the plebs they are literally only useful as bonus points on my midterm now.

I am of course 100% convinced that he's insisting on hosting the Crowne Cup for his explicitly stated and repeated reasoning of "it boosts morale", and not for any other possible nefarious plans. What a genuine and happy guy. With a cane! So nice. So wholesome. Sip that bourbon buddy; you've earned it. Watching him pour drinks and explain the intricacies of political sacrifice to Professor Cid, who had just that afternoon fled while a small child defended him from a religious zealot--golly, really got the feeling that these were going to be very nice folks calling the shots here.

Noctum/Baraz
Glad Yuna has some people rooting for her! There's a lot of characters focusing on themselves in this narrative, and it looks like Yuna's not really going to make tons of friends right away, so it's nice that there are some people in her corner. Noctum is a sweetie and I like that he has a stamp collection and deep-seeded doubts about his validity as a person when looking at Vortex. Nothing to see here; everything is fiiiine! For some reason I mostly picture Baraz as a bit of an Alfred figure, down to the accent--which of course clashes magnificently with the canonical appearance of Dracozolt--and I like that he's at least somewhat sure of himself compared to Yuna and Noctum. Can't wait to find out about his tragic backstory in which we learn that the Galar fossils in the PMD world were forcibly recombined and resurrected incorrectly by another shitty scientist who was aware that she was creating zombie mismatched people and did it for the memes.

Demerzel/Seifer
Not much to say here but I'm curious about these pokemon who keep getting converted into Galar legendaries. Presumably he is currently a Calyrex, but surely this has no connection to the guy who is running around bodily transforming people.

Seifer has one line that's like "I don't need the life story" that had weird parallels to Chiaki's "Didn't ask. Didn't need the sob story"--less sarcastically this time, presumably they aren't related but I did find it strange that it happened twice.

---

concluding thoughts: some interesting stuff going on here! I like the warmer moments and characters; it's nice to have protagonists who don't actively abuse one another and a side cast that's happy to support + intercede on problems. The lore weaves together in a fun way and it's a nice mixup of canon stuff and your own creation. Thanks for sharing!

 

[TheGOAT]

Welcome to the world of Etherium... where pokémon run free!
To mark the upcoming signing of a momentous peace treaty, the dragon-led Aeon Kingdom agrees to send its budding princess to the neighboring Kingdom of Radiance's prestigious Horizon Academy as an exchange student. But her plans for a quiet year biding her time go up in flames when she's forced to compete for the Crowne Cup on a team with a rebellious toxtricity and a grumpy grovyle who keeps things close to his vest. Can she rise to the challenge or will the pressures of the school — and dangerous attacks from mask-wearing phantoms — make her crack?​

Spoiler: Info

Info: Like Guiding Light did for Gen VII, I am looking to craft a PMD story that focuses on ideas and pokémon from Gen VIII. No knowledge of Guiding Light is required to read this fic.

Content Advisory: This fic is rated Teen for use of coarse language, crude humor, alcohol, violence, and character deaths. Additionally, this fic will contain unmarked spoilers for Pokémon Sword and Shield, including the (currently unreleased at the time of first posting) DLC. If you intend to play either of these games blind, skip this fic for now.

Update Schedule: Chapters will be out when I can manage to get them out. Parts will be shorter and posted less-frequently than with my previous fic, so if you got too overwhelmed with it, then this is the fic for you.

Reviews Disclaimer: For anyone willing to drop a review, it would be most helpful to give me your impressions of what you think happened in the chapters you read. Working in medicine, I often feel like I struggle shifting off that kind of rigid thinking and don't communicate things clearly enough in my fics. So, I want to make sure I'm getting across what I mean to. Thanks!

XxX​

Talons grazed cool, green, neatly-trimmed grass. Articuno Shiva stretched her wings out as she walked a straight line across the field. She stared blankly at a gray, ornate stone wall and accompanying marble pillars. Together, they made up the manor surrounding the courtyard. Soft moonlight from the sky above her bathed two circular beds of roses in a pale white glow. She turned her head to the side and sighed, producing a cloud of frost.

"How much longer do we need to be here, Quetzal?" Shiva looked left at a zapdos standing squarely in the middle of a dirt path leading to the stairs that would take them back inside the manor. He had his wings tucked into his sides and seemed to be nodding off. However, at Shiva's question, Quetzal jerked stiff. He adjusted the silver uniform draped over his torso. The pink ribbons adorning his breast jingled softly.

"The standing orders from Her Eminence said we're to keep guard of the Needle until dawn." Quetzal gestured in front of him. There, planted in the middle of the garden, was a purple needle standing a head taller than Shiva and Quetzal. A red gem, carved to look like an eye, sat atop it. No matter what angle Shiva stared at it, it always looked like the gem glared at her. It made her feathers puff up slightly underneath her uniform. She pivoted to preen her neck.

"Yeah, but was it really necessary to send all three of us for this assignment? Any one of us could do this job with no trouble," a moltres huffed, stomping around from the other side of the needle and casting an orange glow onto the southern part of the courtyard. He stopped to straighten out the wrinkles in his uniform, looking exasperated. "Not that we don't appreciate the hospitality, Lord Douglas. It's just… this is such a strange assignment for Her Eminence to spring on us with so little warning."

"Do not fret, Captain Ifrit, I understand your hesitation."

Shiva winced and resisted the urge to throw a wing up over her face. Even though she'd spent plenty of time around him, seeing Lord Weezing Douglas speaking through two mouths always unsettled her. As did the fact that his gaseous beards would fizzle like soda pop as he spoke. It had forced her to abandon her once-favorite drink. Shiva wished that they could've been assigned somewhere else, but knew she had to carry out this job with the grace and professionalism nobles like Lord Douglas had come to expect from the Radiant Guard.

"But I'm not one to question Queen Isola's decisions. She has the best interests of all Crowne Ministers at heart," Douglas continued. His two, hat-like appendages spurted bits of pink gas.

"It's not Her Eminence's judgement I'm concerned with." Ifrit shook his head. "It's the fact that she came to this decision after consulting with that advisor of hers." He folded his wings and stared squarely at the needle. "She sent us out here specifically at his request… because of some premonition? I don't like it."

"That's… a fair point." Shiva had thought much the same, but didn't want to say anything for fear of upsetting Lord Douglas. She didn't want to give off the impression that she thought the good Minister was beneath her and her fellow officers.

"Except we're not the only ranking guardsmon being stationed at these Needles," Quetzal pointed out. "Something in Demerzel's premonition must've spooked Queen Isola."

"I still don't like it," Ifrit huffed. "The guy comes out of nowhere and climbs into Her Eminence's good graces within the span of half a year. Now he's sitting pretty in the royal court and influencing policy."

"Careful, Captain, lest you sound like some of those haggard beggars proclaiming the end of days are upon us." Douglas chuckled, releasing more vapors from his head. Shiva thought back to the previous week, when she had threatened some wretched, rag-covered, helmet-wearing mishmash of a homeless mutt with arrest for parading around the town square of Horizon Gardens with a poorly-drawn sign around his neck.

"Here, here!" Quetzal's eyes lit up. "Demerzel's been instrumental in fast-tracking the completion of the treaty with the Aeon Kingdom. Perhaps with the extra resources, we'll finally have a solution to this blasted mystery dungeon problem."

"Bah! As if we need to stoop so low as to associate with dragons." Ifrit spat a tiny ember out, then snuffed it out with his talons before it could burn any grass. "I can't believe they're letting the Aeon princess attend Horizon. They're sullying our beautiful academy!" He draped a wing over his face and shook his head.

"Maybe you ought to see what the princess is like before rushing to conclusions?" Shiva suggested. The look Ifrit gave her quickly made her regret opening her beak. "S-Sorry, Iffy."

"It's easy for you to feel at ease. Your ice attacks can make quick work of any duplicitous dragons," Ifrit said. "But what about me? They live amongst the flames! My best strikes will barely pierce their scales." He paced furiously in front of the needle. "I'll just have to intensify my training. That way, if the princess slips up, I'll—"

A sudden blast from the south wall of the manor silenced the remainder of Ifrit's threat. Shiva didn't even have the time to turn around and register the blast's source before she was splayed out in the grass. Heat spread from her breast out to her wings, spiking her heart rate. She looked up at Ifrit, who stood over with his wings spread wide and a pained winced sprawled on his face. Purple and black flames buffeted his backside, scorching his uniform.

"I-Iffy!" Shiva squawked, trying unsuccessfully to squirm out from under him.

"We're under attack! It's a Phantom!" Quetzal squawked from Shiva's right. She caught a glance of electricity arcing out from his wings. Ifrit turned around and hopped into the air. Shiva's belly spasmed when she sat up, but she mustered the strength to send a gust of wind in the direction of Quetzal's attack.

What she found, however, was a cloud of black shadows surrounding a black, crystalline plague mask. Its red, gemstone eyes were a perfect match to the top of the needle. Shiva's attack died down. A frog caught in her throat. She'd faced down Phantoms plenty of times on rescue missions, but this one was huge. And the mask… that was very different.

"Take cover, Minister!" Ifrit ordered, rolling away from a spectral arm and spitting a fireball at the Phantom. Its shadows contorted and the fireball merely burnt a hole in the grass.

"I don't understand." Douglas' gaseous beards shriveled. "Polaris assured me that the distortion was well-controlled on the outskirts of the city! How can a Phantom be here?" He glanced toward the stairs, but saw the Phantom had blocked them. He quickly floated behind the needle, heads venting a pink smokescreen.

"Spreader Rockfall," a distorted voice said. The flat tone sent a chill down Shiva's spine in spite of her ice-typing. Four wraithy arms popped out of the Phantom, each surrounded by rock-shaped glyphs.

"N… no, this can't be!" Quetzal charged up more lightning in his wings. "Phantoms can't use Dyna-Force. It's impossible!" He clapped his wings together, discharging an electric dome. Ifrit and Shiva added streams of fire and ice.

But all three attacks struck up against a wall of solid rock that burst forth from the ground, flinging sand in all directions. Shiva's eyes bugged out. She ceased her attack and took to the air, shouting, "Fly!" to Quetzal. However, the Phantom shoved the giant rock and it toppled over. Shiva realized all too light she hadn't gotten the necessary altitude to dodge.

The rock wall crushed her into the ground. Her wings shattered on impact, as did at least two ribs. Stars and tears filled her vision. She tried to get up. To flee. To do anything. But her body wouldn't respond. Garbled squawks told her that her colleagues had suffered the same fate. The pain in her chest muffled her sobs. She couldn't die. Not like this. Not from some cheap trick.

It had to be the dragons. They used that treaty to get the kingdom to lower its guard. And now they were making their move. But Shiva would never get to deliver that message. All she could do was lie there, wondering whether she'd succumb to the pain before the Phantom could deliver the killing blow.

Bursts of pink steam shot over her. "S… stay back, you demon!" Lord Douglas cried, hovering by the needle. But the steam met purple globs from two of the Phantom's arms. Shiva tried to beg Douglas to leave, but she couldn't even get her beak open.

"Pathetic nobility," the Phantom snarled. Spectral arms shot out and grabbed Douglas by his mouths and head appendages. His muffled screams rang out in Shiva's ear frills. "True strength does not course through your being," the Phantom continued. "And yet you dare to strike me?"

Her vision was too blurry to see what the Phantom did, but the moment an ear-splitting screech rang out across the manor and abruptly cut out, she knew exactly what had happened. The green and purple fluids that splattered on the sand-covered ground in front of her painted an even clearer picture. "N… no…"

Shadows swirled in front of Shiva and the Phantom's mask lowered to eye level. "Ah, good. You survived."

Shiva squealed. The Phantom… was happy she was alive? Did it plan to torture her? Fresh tears welled in Shiva's eyes. Her legs twitched unresponsively.

"I have plans for the three of you," the Phantom declared. Shadows crawled up Shiva's legs. She was in too much pain to scream, however. "You will exist to give me strength."

As the shadows climbed up her body, they ripped off her uniform. Her feathers darkened. Her bones shifted and realigned. Shiva finally found her voice… and screeched in agony. Her fellow officers echoed her cries.

"Consider it an honor… to serve such a noble cause."

The shadows finally reached her face and… nothing. The pain had completely ceased. Shiva looked up, but recoiled in horror upon seeing that her once-pristine, blue-and-white feathers were now tainted with black and shades of dark gray. She managed to catch her reflection in a shard of broken glass and noticed a black, curved mask sitting over her eyes. Shiva threw her wings up, trying to pull it off, but a sharp pain tore through her shoulders. Clearly, she couldn't raise her wings as high as she used to.

"W… what did you do to us?!" Quetzal squawked. Shiva got to her feet and found an orange bird with lightning-bolt markings on his shrunken wings kicking at the ground with his newly-elongated legs. Like Shiva, Quetzal had a black mask over his eyes.

"I have bathed you in glorious distortion." The Phantom's mask pivoted in Quetzal's direction. "Do you not appreciate my gift?"

"Not in the slightest!" Ifrit huffed, his now-curved beak muffling some of his speech. The violet-magenta flames on his wings flared up.

A deep laugh rumbled and the Phantom's shadowy body rippled. Shiva glared at it. "Do not worry." A wraith shot out, grabbed hold of the needle, and yanked it. The needle promptly shattered and a bright purple beam shot into the air. Shiva's beak fell open. How could it destroy a Needle so effortlessly? All her life she'd heard horror stories of what had happened to pokémon who tried to pull out a Needle.

"I don't intend to let you three voice any more objections."

The Phantom's gemstone eyes glowed bright purple. Before Shiva could react, darkness swallowed her world.

XxX​

"Gah!"

Dreepy Yuna shot up in her bed, arms tightly gripping her silk blanket. She doubled over in pain, squealing until her throat burned. Several tense minutes passed before Yuna finally settled down. She stared at her blanket, barely making out the red heart woven into the fabric using what little moonlight trickled in through the slits of her bedroom shades.

"M… maybe it was just a nightmare?" she squeaked, rolling the held part of the blanket between her arms. Yuna looked right and squinted, begging her night-vision to trigger. An outline of a bookshelf slowly formed. Pristine, unopened schoolbooks sat next to worn pieces of fiction Yuna had brought from home.

She flopped onto her back. The foam pillow fwoomped when her head struck it. Yuna sighed and rubbed her eyes. She gathered as much of her blanket as she could and tried to wrap it around her body… as if she could replicate the time she rode around in her mother's horn. Yuna closed her eyes and imagined her mother shooting her out of a horn, across the castle courtyard and into a pile of cushions dutifully put together by one of her attendants.

But the happy memory wasn't enough to lull her back to sleep. Yuna rolled onto her stomach. She considered floating down the hall and talking to that rhydon security guard, but she didn't seem like much for conversation. And it's not like she could go knocking on any of the other girls' rooms. It was well past curfew and she didn't need to get in trouble before her time at this foreign school even started.

Besides… who wants to saddle up to a dragon in a kingdom run by fairies, anyway? Yuna thought, body deflating. Odds are… I'm only gonna get Baraz and Noctum to talk to me. And that'll just be more embarrassing. She imagined faceless silhouettes surrounding her, ridiculing her for needing servants because she has no friends.

Why did she agree to this? Yuna had left her friends— no, her life behind. And for what?

"For a chance to emblazon your name in the history books for all eternity! Remember the family creed, Yunavresca: seize the day by the horns!"

Her father's deep voice rumbled in the back of her head. She pictured the duraludon throwing his metal head back in a hearty laugh, his gold-trimmed robes clinking in the process.

Yuna groaned. She was never going to get back to sleep with this many thoughts weighing her head down. Yuna lifted her head up and crawled across her bed until a small wooden nightstand was within reach. She slid the drawer open and felt around until her arm brushed against paper. Yuna lifted the paper from the drawer, unfolded it, and set it down next to her.

Again, she channeled her night-vision. Her head throbbed. Yuna traced the nubby tip of her arm around the picture of her younger self nestled in one of her mother's horns. She held a brooch with a star-shaped insignia carved into the gem. Yuna let her arm wander toward the stained-glass window in the background of the photo. She pressed down, covering up the golden, four-winged dragon depicted in the window.

"Bahamut, give me strength," she whispered. "Help me find some friends… or at least survive until I can return home." Yuna wrapped the paper up in a hug, only to stop when it crinkled. She gingerly folded it back up and returned it to the drawer. She then pulled out a small seed.

A sleep seed. One of a handful that she'd gotten from Baraz. Yuna hesitated. Was she that desperate for a good night's sleep?

Yes. Yes, she was. Besides, the school handbook said it was contraband in student rooms, anyway. It was better to use it now, else she risked getting caught with it and punished.

Down the hatch it goes. Yuna swallowed the seed with a wince. The effects were almost instantaneous. Her vision grew hazy. Her breathing slowed. Yuna's arms stiffened. A yawn escaped her mouth.

She had just enough strength to lie back on her pillow before drifting away into a dreamless slumber.

Chapter 1 Review

Reviews Disclaimer: For anyone willing to drop a review, it would be most helpful to give me your impressions of what you think happened in the chapters you read. Working in medicine, I often feel like I struggle shifting off that kind of rigid thinking and don't communicate things clearly enough in my fics. So, I want to make sure I'm getting across what I mean to. Thanks!

Ayy, I’m reading an Amby fic. Look at that.

I’ll preface by saying that I’m listening to this as I work via the FFN app, so there’s a fair chance I’ll miss a detail here and there. Apologizes in advance! I suppose this makes me the perfect guinea pig for how much info from your fic can be absorbed with ears and not eyes. :V

What I think happened in this first scene is that the three legendary birds, in their Kanto forms, were ambushed by something called a Phantom. I believe Bahamut has referenced these a number of times in BLC? Ultimately, the scene really only boiled down to an exposition dump and an ambush, so it didn’t really do much to hook me. One part that I did take interest in was the Phantom transforming the birds into their Galarian forms, though. That’s not a concept I’ve seen explored very much in Pokémon writing; usually Pokémon would just be born one way or the other, and that would be their species. I’d love to see this alternate take on regional forms be expanded upon further!

Quick note—I haven’t missed the references to Radiance, and it seems like there are quite a few references to Shade as well. Maybe it’s a different kind of energy entirely, but that’s the impression I got from the Phantom.

Moving on: Yuna. Some info about her was dropped, but I don’t really have much to speak on because she didn’t really do much in this chapter. Overall, this chapter feels like setup, which is necessary and sets up the next chapter nicely, but also doesn’t make for a very compelling hook. Right now I see a bunch of characters being established, worldbuilding being developed, details being touched upon… but it didn’t come together hardly at all. But it’s only the first chapter. I’m gonna keep going ofc.

Briefly, I want to comment on the species being used, because you know I gotta speak on that. I’m reeeeally interested. From what I know about the story and from what I’ve read, you’re using some cool species. Does it matter to the narrative? Mmm… Well, actually, yeah, because of the whole dragons vs everyone vibe I’m getting with this Tale of Two Kingdoms approach. But regardless of that, beta Giratina is based primary character. Memorable at worst, badass at best. I’m cackling trying to guess how in the world you’ll handle the whole “using other members of the same species as projectile ammunition” caveat that comes with Dragapult.

Last but not least… happy birthday! 🎉🎊🎂🎈