Heya, hitting up my hitlist again to try and steer more reviews to folks that I’d been meaning to pay forward for past reviews, and I remembered that nice one you left of OaT a while back and I had a bit more time and energy to work with in Week 1 than I recalled, so that seemed like as good a reason as any to check out some of your writing.
I considered jumping into
Free Fiction Chapter 2, but this is your current new hotness, and the summary
did say it was intended to be readable as a standalone, so let’s go ahead and jump in and see where things go:
The Small Stars
The night should've been dark and foreboding in the wild, but that was nothing new. Actually, this night was exciting, and Kiho hid their elation at bay by simply waiting. They stood around a stream, surrounded by various wooden bridges and huts in the mire swamp village they called home. While waiting, they traced and felt their new body, marveling at it, even though it had been a full day since they evolved.
I might be wrong, but I don’t think that you can use “mire village” in the sense of “swamp village”, or if you can, it’s significantly rarer to the point where you probably want to roll a more common phrasing.
Looking over the damp edge, they found the larger head and deep blue eyes of a Ledian rippling and staring back in wonder. With the tangled canopy above, there was only darkness past the Ledian at hand.
Well, four hands, technically.
… Wait, if there’s only darkness above and no moon or stars, how is there light to reflect Kiho’s appearance back at him? Are there torches or lanterns nearby on a path or something?
Not something that took me super out of things, but it’s a small detail that might merit mentioning since it helps to set the scene.
They stood up— which, WOW, that was new too. Ledyba just crawled, but now they had two feet to properly stand upright… Though, they supposed it didn't matter much if they were just going to fly anyways.
Wait, but hasn’t Kiho been a Ledian for a full day? Has he really just gone around on all-sixes until this point? Or was this meant to be something like “WOW, he was still getting used to this.” ?
Kiho raised one upper hand, turning it over slightly. It and the rest were like a white mitten with a black star imprinted on all of them, which they clenched deeply. It wasn't enough to make it vibrate like they saw in some more muscular Pokémon flexing. With a deep breath, they glanced around the small huts of the mire, finding little to nobody wandering around. There was never a reason to look up, so they didn't even do that. The mire never had a sky.
See notes: re: “mire” earlier, though that “black star” is certainly new there. I wonder how on earth that got there since that’s definitely not part of an “ISO Standard Ledian” design.
Though “never had a sky”? Implying that the place is fully cut off by tree cover or some sort of ceiling? Wasn’t expecting that one, though you’ve caught my interest.
Still, seeing as no one was close by, this was a good moment to practice.
"Kyah!" They punched the air as fast as they could, feeling little force behind it. With a groan, they did the same for every other arm, punching the still space multiple times. Even with the noise, nobody came out to see, which was typical for the mire.
Wow, quality neighbors there. /s
Though then again, for all I know, this is set in the middle of witching hour, so maybe they’re all asleep at the moment.
They weren't strong strikes either. Mach Punch was fast, but not much else. Even their other moves, Light Screen, Reflect, String Shot, Flash… None of them would let them fight to defeat somebody. It lasted a few seconds until a sound made them stop, their antennae flickering at the crushing of grass behind them.
Hm… No, it was more like flattening. Ah, now they knew who it was. It was even more obvious when a nasally laugh rang out in the same direction. Kiho turned to see their best friend— and soon to be teammate— Algamade. The Sliggoo trudged along the grass, leaving slime as she waved her small nubs for hands. She had their travel bag dragging through the wet ground next to her, with the strap slung against the small shell on her back.
At first, I thought that she was a H-Sliggoo, but no, normal Sliggoo have a shell, too. Forgot about that one briefly.
"Heya, enjoying the new form?" she asked.
Kiho put two hands behind their head and two on their waist, staring off into the tightly knit trees that they wouldn't miss for a second.
"I dunno what you're talking about, Al. It already feels natural."
Oh, so Kiho’s leaving home in the near future. Though I kinda wonder if things would work a bit better if their dialogue were separate from the rest of the paragraph it’s presently in.
The Sliggoo's head tilted to the side, her smile staying. After a few seconds, her own antennae twitched. "Ah… You don't need to be embarrassed about punching the air. It's pretty cute, hehe."
Guess we’re going to find out really fast if Ledian can blush from embarrassment in this setting, huh? :V
"I-I'm not embarrassed!" Kiho snapped back, flailing her four arms.
It was nothing new, but Kiho never understood why they still let Algamade get to them. She always saw through them, so hiding anything was impossible.
Reminder to keep Kiho consistently either a “them” or a “her”. I assume this is supposed to be “them” since that’s how Kiho’s been referred to all this time.
Kiho's head glanced to one of their raised arms. They moved it to find any force behind it, but there wasn't a whole lot. That too was nothing new, even with the evolution.
Kiho: “I should probably stop thinking so hard about this, since this is kinda sucking away that feeling of wonder in live-time right about now.”
I just hope she doesn't see through this too, Kiho thought as they looked back to the smiling Sliggoo with a reassuring smile of their own. She doesn't need my insecurities ruining her dreams. I'll just play along for now.
Well
that’s certainly new. I kinda wonder if they should’ve been hinted at a little harder in advance of this point, though, since I’m not really sure
what these insecurities Kiho’s alluding to are.
"Everything's ready?" Kiho asked. "I've been waiting a while."
"I got here as fast as I could," Algamade chuckled, her head bobbing. She stood still for a few seconds before her eyes widened. It was a sign of her mind grindingly arriving at a conclusion.
Oh, so Algamade’s not anywhere near as eager to blow this popsicle stand as Kiho, huh?
"Ah, yeah… Mudsdale should be ready and waiting for us in his cart outside the swamp. All we gotta do is leave and meet him. You ready?"
That earned a sigh from Kiho as they glanced back to their home. Gramble Mire… It was both of their homes for all 18 years of their lives so far: It was a quaint village that grew around a mystery dungeon that formed deeper into the area. It was composed of wooden huts built on top of the occasional solid ground, with small wooden bridges connecting them all. The people relied on little from outside cities and made a living by traversing inside the usually harmless mystery dungeon to get food, special materials, and money. Insular was an understatement for people who lived to hoard resources.
Oh, so Mystery Dungeons are actually livable in your setting to some extent, huh? That’s definitely an uncommon bird in this fandom, even if I’m not exactly opposed to it since it opens the door to certain things that “induces madness” MDs do not such as Outlaws setting up hideouts in them.
But other than that, it was a quiet place of people going about their own business. Not many people paid attention to another as long as they didn't do something hurtful to them. Kiho supposed that was why nobody tried to help them or Algamade find their parents. If they asked about food, they wouldn't be given any, but more instead pointed to where to find it and then left alone. It was self-preservation because nobody could be bothered to do anything more than that.
I was right about Kiho having QUALITY™ neighbors. Though the “they didn’t do something hurtful to them” part feels like it has some ambiguous pronouns / structure. Perhaps something like “nobody was hurting someone” might be a bit clearer?
Would Kiho miss it? More than anything, they'd probably miss the early memories of growing up with Algamade. Simple days of survival between the Ledyba and Goomy… Other than that, maybe the acrid smell would be nostalgic.
Of “survival”? That sounds like one seriously deprived childhood there if the best Kiho can say of it is “meh, we lived through it”
"Plenty ready," the Ledian said, turning back to their teammate. They walked over, and they both left without a glance behind. There was no reason to.
Huh, somehow I pictured Algamade as being more of a homebody from those initial flashes of hesitation she had, but guess not.
"Ah, Al, let me take that," Kiho said as both of them treaded through the light woods and away from the marsh. They grabbed the travel bag from the ground, unwrapped it from Algamade's shell, and cleaned it up by brushing their hands along it.
"I appreciate the help, but we don't want this breaking before we even get to our ride."
Wait, what on earth is
in that thing if it’s apparently fragile enough that Kiho’s worried about it breaking during a casual walk?
"Mmhm~" Algamade chuckled, bobbing their head to slimily grin at Kiho. "What, you're worried about it snagging on a rock?"
"Probably," Kiho answered.
"But there's barely any rocks here."
Kiho: “Yes, but we’re
leaving here…”
Kiho sighed. "Are we gonna argue about rocks?"
Algamade:
Algamade's smile only grew. "I like arguing with you, though. You make me laugh."
Lol, I was
joking with that last cutaway gag.
"Fine. So, there's plenty of rocks…"
Algamade: “But not here.”
Kiho: “Yes.
Again, we’re
leaving this place, Al.” >_>;
Through the argument, Kiho kept insisting about safety coming first, but Algamade was being too lax about everything. It bothered them how she treated it like it wasn't a problem. Kiho wouldn't risk their livelihood on the chance of a simple accident, and they were sure Algamade probably thought the same… But they could never just throw away their worry of bothering Algamade like that. Though, they never brought themself to say that part out loud.
Okay, seriously, what on earth is
in that thing such that these two will be out of a job if it breaks? A telescope?
Kiho was finally winning the argument as dim light filled the ground in front of them, and they cleared the trees that surrounded them for so long.
"It's about assurance, Al. I don't want to mess up before we even get there! Plus, this is just less work for you, so if anything, I'm taking a good brunt for you!" Kiho said indignantly.
They turned away before feeling a slimy touch on their closed wings behind. It was unusually fast considering who it came from. Kiho turned and found Algamade staring past them with wide eyes, her mouth sloshing open. The Ledian followed her eyesight and…
Oh wow. Did they miss this because they were arguing?
Would suggest hacking off the rest of the paragraph after “Kiho said indignantly” and adding a couple words to make the rest a standalone sentence. Though these two just walked out into a night sky full of stars, huh?
In front of both of them, they found the winding plains outside of their secluded home that stretched on for what looked to be an endless horizon. Grass flowed all around the expanse, and a cold wind that was nowhere in the mire passed through them. The scene was incredible because it was so different from the wetlands they were stuck in for so long. This was always so close to their home… And yet it was always out of reach.
… Wait, what time of the day
is it right now for these two. I
assume that it’s night, but it’s never explicitly stated here.
But that was a thing of the past. Now they had their own road. It put a wide grin on Kiho's face.
"Woah, you're glowing," Algamade said from behind.
"Huh?" Kiho twirled back, but doing that made them notice the star patterns on their hands. They were glowing a dull white around their five points. There was also a dull glow on their forehead, evidenced by the light reflecting off of Algamade's head that was close by. "Woah, this is weird…"
Okay, I’m
really sure that Ledian don’t do this. Considering the rules of your setting, did Kiho have a Volbeat dad or something?
"Do Ledian usually glow?" Algamade asked.
"I have no idea…" they answered, their voice trailing. It was a mystery, but considering they weren't suddenly dying, Kiho jotted it down as a positive. They supposed they could learn about it when they got to the city and had actual libraries to study from. Whatever it was, though, it filled their small frame. It was like they were whole and stronger too.
What’s the “it” here? The glow that Kiho’s got going on? It might make sense to be a bit more explicit here.
Stronger… They clenched their four glowing fists, feeling them tighter than before. Were they stronger? Maybe… They could feel it, but it wasn't much.
“It” feels ambiguous again here. Consider spelling things out a bit more explicitly.
They chuckled, raising their head to their partner. "Well, it's pretty is what it is, haha! It's definitely not a bad feeling…"
Which is the reason for the past two critiques.
"You're positively glowing!" Algamade cheered, bobbing up and down.
"That I am~" Kiho mused, turning, spinning, and posing their new Ledian body. Algamade only gave squishy claps as Kiho modeled their glimmering self, and they both broke into eventual laughter. Kiho leaned onto the Sliggoo, which she let as a sort of gooey pillow that bobbed along in similar laughter.
I think you’re either missing a word or else have a typo at “let” since I’m not sure what Al “let” Kiho do there.
"Hey, are you two gonna stand there all night?" a gravelly and gruff voice voice called out of nowhere. The two of them whirled around to find a familiar Mudsdale staring at them on a dirt trail cutting through the plains. He pulled a large wooden cart tied to thick reins on his snout.
Would cut a couple words here, especially since the Mudsdale’s voice technically isn’t coming from “nowhere” there.
"Mudsdale!" they cheered and waved, heading over with Kiho holding Algamade to move faster. It took a few moments, but they reached their old friend and carrier.
I… did not get the vibe that these two were close to Mudsdale at all earlier. Maybe it’d have made sense to hint at this harder either in their dialogue or in the narration? Especially since I had zero idea that the three had done business with each other in the past.
He snorted. "Took you two long enough," Mudsdale said. His deep-seated and wrinkled eyes trailed through them slowly. "I had to watch Al go back to the forest and then had to wait for y'all to get here. And here I thought I was a slow mover. Hop on already."
Small little nitpick for helping Mudsdale sell the delivery of his line a bit harder. Though I’m wincing in sympathy for having to wait on a
Sliggoo to go and fetch someone. ^^;
"S-Sorry, it's a habit," Algamade mumbled. She chuckled and looked away with a low hum as her eyes fell a bit. Seeing that, Kiho sprung into action.
"Algamade's perfect, but there's no time like the present!" Kiho announced.
Comedically saluting the old Pokémon, they stood behind Algamade and wrapped her in their four arms. They flexed a bit to make their back wings flutter out and buzz with new invigoration. With the added weight of Kiho, it was a slow rise and flight into the cart, but they did eventually land between crates and boxes that were smaller than them, unlike some of the other larger ones that dwarfed them.
… Wait, I’m not getting
why Kiho is doing thi about Al. Is he getting flustered and huffy about Mudsdale getting critical about her? It’s admittedly a bit hard to understand what this is pointing at and it might make sense to spell it out a bit more explicitly.
The cart rattled as Mudsdale glanced back to Kiho's side, where their small bag hung. [ ]
"Is that all y'all're taking? Seems like a pity."
It might make sense to state what Mudsdale’s reaction to “bruh, you hired me to carry that dinky little shoulder bag?” a bit more explicitly. Since I get the feeling that he’s supposed to be unimpressed, but I’m admittedly having to assume that and going out on a limb relative to the text.
Kiho shrugged. "It's all we have left. The rest We used the rest to pay you for this ride."
Would suggest reordering a couple words and being a bit more explicit about “this” there, though I assume it’s the ride they’re about to go on.
Mudsdale looked back to the road, his thick and mud-laden mane barely moving. "Well, it's nothing off for me. Are y'all ready? It'll be a few days' journey."
Couple small nitpicks here.
Kiho and Algamade looked straight at each other, the confidence in their faces reflecting off each other. Finally, after so much dreaming, they were leaving the mire. They bumped their nubs and hands together with a laugh.
"Yeah, let's go!" they both cheered without a glance to the woods and marsh behind them. All eyes were set on the plains and road ahead.
Their optimism is going to crash straight into a wall in about a week from real life setting in, isn’t it? Though let’s be positive for now.
The ride was peaceful, if a bit bumpy. Mudsdale wasn't a smooth puller, but he was tough and consistent. He barely said anything, so the only sound that rang through their trip was the creaking of the cart and the ground crushed by hooves. Kiho and Algamade, however, occupied themselves by staring at everything around them in wonder.
… Wait, just how
long has it been since the last paragraph by this point? If it’s meant to have been like half an hour or longer, you should probably consider dropping in a hard scene break here since it’d better sell the sense of a bunch of time having passed since Kiho and Al’s cute little “Yay!” moment with each other.
And seeing the wilds pass them by was a constant reminder of their goal too. The guild belonging to the coastal city just beyond these long plains was their dream. Getting in there, becoming an official team, living in a vibrant city that was different from the swamp they grew up in… Just thinking about it got them giddy.
Wait a minute, that’s Reefly from
Free Fiction, isn’t it?
"Mudsdale," Algamade said, looking over to him, "you've been to the city, right? Is it as hectic as people say? Filled with possibilities to the brim?"
Bruh, I’ve seen this song and dance a thousand times in “country boy goes to the city” stories. Half the time it winds up in bitter disappointment or worse.
"More like filled with people," he huffed. "Too noisy for someone like me. People always have somewhere to go and something to do. There's never a moment of peace, so I imagine y'all will struggle."
[ ]
"Really? Even with the guild?" Kiho asked.
Wow, it’s like their Mystery Dungeon in terms of the neighbors, but even worse. Though I would suggest adding some reaction from Kiho or Al, since the two
probably weren’t expecting to hear Mudsdale talk about the city like that given that they were all excited to go and see it.
"Especially the guild," he said, "prideful folk, all of 'em. Can't tell them they're wrong." Mudsdale tilted his snout back, looking behind. "Maybe you two will be better, though. You don't seem like money-grubbers."
Another suggestion for adding emphasis to drive the point home for Mudsdale.
Kiho + Algamade: "..."
Kiho stiffly chuckled. "That's not exactly the most positive message."
Kek, I was right about how they’d react. o<o
I do wonder if Kiho / Al’s reactions should have been expanded a little more, though.
Mudsdale huffed. "I wasn't trying to be."
Kiho: “I mean, we only left our childhood homes for this. Isn’t there anything you can say that would validate our decision here-?” ._.
Mudsdale:
"A-Ah…" Kiho muttered, looking down and twiddling their hands.
Their stars were still oddly glowing, and the feeling of fullness hadn't left, as if Kiho could sprint the entire night round. Both the energy and funny idea of a newly evolved Ledian messily sprinting weren't enough to make them laugh earnestly, though.
Oh, this energy thing that Kiho’s got going on is a nod to the Pokédex lore about Ledian, huh? A neat little nod there if that’s indeed what that is.
Talking with Mudsdale could get weigh them down like that. Aspirational thoughts weren't exactly at the forefront of a hard-boiled cart-puller. Those were mostly his words from earlier and younger days when his fur wasn't as wiry as it was now.
And back when he had hopes and dreams of his own that obviously didn’t pan out for him.
Truly, Kiho didn't get why Mudsdale was still working at his old age. To be working such a dull job for as long as he had… They imagined it was particularly draining. They hoped the guild wasn't like that.
Narrator: “The guild will absolutely be like that.”
They hoped leaving the safety of the marsh was a good idea.
Honestly a coinflip as to whether these two wind up regretting this down the road or not.
Instead of those doubts, Kiho focused their attention back to Algamade who was staring off and gently swaying with the movement of the cart. Her pupilless green eyes wavered and closed for a moment before the cart rocked hard after hitting something. The shock sent Algamade's eyes wide open with a yelp. It just made her giggle nasally, like she was inhaling all the while.
"Al, it's late, you don't have to stay awake for me," Kiho said.
Kiho: “Also, how did that not break that thing we’re lugging along in our bag?”
Algamade: “I assume Mudsdale’s got it in padded storage?” ^^;
Algamade shook her head, her antennae waving around. "Nah… I wanna get better about being nocturnal like you. Gotta practice as much as I can, heh."
Can’t tell if this is a sign that they’re prepping to take a night shift at this guild in the city or if she’s planning on getting intimate with Kiho and as such wants her lifestyle to mirror his.
Kiho frowned, barely trying to hide their discomfort at the idea.
"But everyone's active in the day, Al. If we get into the guild, we'll have to keep up the pace with everyone else. That means that I'm the one who has to stop being nocturnal. Don't stoop so low for me."
I’m honestly surprised the guild would do that instead of running dedicated day and night shifts so that way they can maximize gathered materials and completed jobs. Since you’d think that nocturnal Pokémon wouldn’t be
that rare.
"Stoop so low…?" Algamade echoed, her eyes lowering.
Kiho's mouth opened to counter that, but closed at seeing all of Algamade droop low, her bottom spreading out like a puddle. They already wanted to punch themselves for bringing her down.
Wait, her “bottom”? If you’re talking about the underside of a snail/slug, that’s technically called a “foot”, which might be a better term to roll with if you’re not doing something like “lower body”.
"H-Hey, Al, I'm sorry about—"
"Be honest, Kiho," she interrupted and there was nothing but a wobble to her voice. It was the same as yesterday's dungeon crawl, right before she evolved. "Do you think I'm holding you back?"
Kiho: “Wh-Wha…?”
Algamade: “Kiho, you can say ‘yes’ if that’s how you really feel.”
Kiho felt a breathless chuckle escape them. "What?"
Even in their shock, they could still see the slightest movement of Mudsdale's head as he glanced back.
Algamade nodded. "I'm really slow, so you have to wait for me and drag me around… I'm not the fastest thinker either. You've always defended me, but that's because I keep getting us into trouble… I mean, I was the one who that Seismitoad caught."
Ah yes, time for traumatic storytime. Even if I kinda wonder if this should’ve been hinted at a little more in advance of this point.
The memory was still clear in Kiho's mind, and only partly because it was from the day before. They had gone scouring the mire dungeon for easy supplies to take on this planned trip… until a weirdly strong Seismitoad came along and grabbed Algamade, who was lagging as she lagged behind. The fight was nowhere near in their favor, but Kiho somehow found the ability to evolve then and there to defend Algamade, practically a dream gifted with a dramatic bow.
See the above note re: “hinting at this earlier”, since this feels like something that should’ve been subtly coloring Kiho’s behavior and thought process all this time that might’ve dovetailed in with Al’s anxieties of holding them back. Like if Kiho’s paying extra attention and effort in looking out for her because “we almost had a bad incident yesterday”, it would help play at those anxieties a bit more.
… Though now that I think about it, how
has Mudsdale not reacted more to Kiho’s evolution anyways? Since this is the first he’s seen them as a Ledian. ^^;
But it didn't work. Ledian weren't strong Pokémon and Kiho was just beaten without a chance… And almost like a cruel joke, that gave Algamade enough anger to evolve herself. The situation flipped when the Sliggoo was able to fight back with blasts of draconic fire. At the end of the day, though they survived and made it out stronger, Kiho was still useless.
Okay, now I’m
really curious as to how Mudsdale didn’t react more to these two if it’s the first time that he’s seen
both Kiho and Al in their evolved forms.
"Are you kidding me?" Kiho gasped out, making their partner look back up in surprise. "You're incredible, Al. I'm the one who has to keep up with you. I'm built like a stick, but you're a dragon! You're gonna be so strong one day!"
They chuckled, bringing up one arm to soothe another, shuddering all the while.
"Me… I'm just in the way. Even after evolving, I can't do anything."
Would recommend hacking this up, though I would suggest revising and expanding the “They chuckled [...]” bit since it feels a bit weird to mention Kiho chuckling and also shuddering without any mention of it being nervous or forced or whatnot. That, and it kinda feels like the third part of Kiho’s dialogue is supposed to have more of a “pause” to it that’s not fully coming through at the moment.
All four of their hands held each other tight, though it wasn't very tough. Kiho just curled into themselves, shutting Algamade and the world around them out of their sight.
"I've… I've always thought you'd shine more… without me."
inb4 this leads to them parting ways anyways.
They wanted to stay there and forget their own words, to feel nothing but their shivering chest… But before they could do anything, Kiho felt a slimy touch envelop their front. The wall of sticky slime pushed further into them, causing a whimper to escape them as Algamade was trying to hug them.
"A-Al, stop…" Kiho mumbled, messily trying to get the Sliggoo off with all four prying hands.
Instead, they just ended up pushing into her slightly, with the rest of her slipping past and plopping herself onto their whole body. Kiho just sighed while Algamade sobbed even stickier tears. Even when both were evolved, some things seemed to never change.
Al is never mentioned starting to cry prior to this point, so I’m not sure if it makes sense to mention that she “sobbed even stickier tears”. I would recommend either adding an earlier mention of her starting to cry or else rephrase this part such that Al’s
starting to cry into Kiho’s chest.
"K-Kiho," Algamade whispered with a hiccup, "what are you saying? I don't need you? You hold me back? Where did you get that idea? You're everything to me…"
Oh, so she
is in wuv with Kiho.
The Ledian groaned, hearing their own words again and finding them to be dumb. It was almost as if they didn't believe in Algamade, which was a nightmare to think about. But, if it counted for anything, they did want Algamade to be right.
The Sliggoo parted her head from Kiho's, though sagging strands of pale goo still connected them. Her eyes were dimmed, but they were still trained on Kiho's reluctant glance away.
"We've been best friends forever and you've always supported me, so you're more than worth it to me. I'd only ever do this with you."
Can’t tell if this one-shot is going to end on a ‘d’aww’ note or in tears. I’m leaning to the former, buuuut….
Kiho looked away a bit more, trying their best to not meet the source of their pain in the eyes. Instead, they stared at the dirt road that stretched on behind them. Their first home inched farther away by the second.
I… didn’t realize that they were still close enough to the MD they hailed from that they could still
see it right now. It might have made sense to drop in some reminders here and there about how they’d “barely left home” or something like that.
One of their hands found Algamade's stubby limb, and instinctually held it tight, which was more of a squish. "I get that, Al… But I'm not strong. A bug will never be a dragon. Hell, even some bugs are strong… but not me. I just don't want to drag you down when we eventually go to a dungeon for the guild."
Flygon: “Am I a joke to you?”
"I'm not the best dungeoneer either, so you're not alone," Algamade chuckled, lowering her head onto Kiho's side.
There was only the slow but constant creaking of the cart now. They just held each other in silence, but Kiho's mind whirred about what they would do. If dungeon delving wasn't possible, then what use could they be for the guild?
Support staff. Duh.
Kiho squeezed Algamade harder. "Are we… making a mistake…?"
Mudsdale:
Kiho: “Gods, Mudsdale, can you
not right now?! This is supposed to be a heartfelt moment!” >.<
Algamade raised her head to say something, but she was beaten by another voice cutting in.
"Now, who said you two had the right to give up so early?" Mudsdale said, moving his sturdy head back to look at the two of them. Kiho would be remiss to call it a smile, but the tiny curl at the end of his long snout was different than the usual.
Oh, so Mudsdale
is rooting for them. Didn’t see
that one coming.
"I'm old and ready to die, you know," he said. "I've already died three times to a world-ending crisis, and there's another one going on right now. Through all of them, I've had nothing to my name and still don't. This work… It's the only thing I have to live for and be proud of. I've got no hope left and I've already done my time, but you two haven't."
I have
so many questions right now about that statement and what it implies.
Though I kinda wonder if you should move Mudsdale’s speech tag a couple sentences further in, since the present dialogue feels very tail-heavy to the point of being unbalanced.
… Alternatively, split off the last two sentences off into their own paragraph and drop a bit of description in where you describe Mudsdale hesitating or something like that.
"M-Mudsdale…" Kiho mumbled, the pit in their chest sinking deeper.
"Strong, famous, important… Most of the world ain't that, and they don't matter. I don't matter, and I suspect you two won't either in the grand meaning of whatever this world is…"
Despite the odd words, Mudsdale now fully smiled, pulling his coarse fur and skin to folding edges.
"But all that is pointless. You just gotta find what makes you happy and fulfilled."
Wise words from a tired old warhorse there. I see that Mudsdale’s
not just a cynical and bitter old fart after all.
"Happy…" Algamade echoed, raising herself and sliding backwards a bit. Her head bobbed to the side before she made a weird grin and turned to Kiho. "You mean like a certain Ledian?"
"Subtle," Kiho simply said, though they did chuckle and cross all four of their arms. "So, what? We don't matter, but we still have to keep struggling to just do nothing of importance? Sounds like a waste of a life…"
Kiho, that
is life. Especially since a huge swath of heroes either go unsung or else only get as big as they do from the achievements of others.
Mudsdale nodded. "And so, y'all left the place that made you feel like that."
Mudsdale: “I mean, you
might be heading to another place that’ll ultimately make you feel the same. But eh. You’re young. Make your mistakes now and don’t leave yourself asking what might’ve been when you’re my age.” ^^;
Kiho wanted to counter that statement, but found themselves shut tight. Mudsdale's words… It resonated with a feeling they knew well, but their heart sank a bit to have forgotten before this.
They looked to their four hands and flexed them, still feeling the fullness of the glow within them. It was new, and Kiho could still remember the moment they evolved and first stood on two legs… It was exciting. They wanted to chase that feeling right then and there, and Algamade evolving doubled that sensation. They could even still remember the excitement from what was just a few minutes ago as they hopped onto the cart.
Kiho: “... Can we have selective amnesia over everything that happened since we boarded your cart, Mudsdale?” ^^;
Mudsdale: “
Probably want to find a healthier way of getting spirits back up than that, Kiho.”
Two hands of Kiho held Algamade's, and the other two came and slapped their cheeks. The Sliggoo yelped, but that was overcome by Kiho's own laughter, their body doubling over to hug their partner.
"Gods, I'm so dumb… Minutes into our new life, and I screw it up already. I'm gonna have to do better, heh."
I mean, there’s nonzero odds that they’re going to wind up bitterly disappointed in like a month but you can’t say that this isn’t cute.
Kiho focused on the Sliggoo in front of them. Algamade had said it herself. She was slow, and not the fastest thinker either, all of it making Kiho have to deal with her and Kiho would have to deal with all of that from her. But Kiho was exceedingly weak and couldn't keep up in a world that could have it out for them. Together, Kiho supposed they were a recipe for a team that would just drown out amongst everyone.
Algamade: “But…? You
are getting to the positive part of all of this, right Kiho?”
"You and I think we're not worth it, and the world probably supports that thinks the same… So, let's strive to be worth it for each other, okay? I'm sorry for making you feel bad, and dumping my pity on you, but I'll do better. We'll do better."
Algamade gasped, bobbing up and down. "Y-Yeah! We're gonna go to the guild and make a splash! Maybe we won't be the biggest, but we'll make people the happiest! Let's spread smiles all around, even to ourselves!"
D’aww, I like happy endings-
-checks notes-
Oh, there’s more of this story left. Better hold my tongue and not jinx things. ^^;
"It's a promise!" Kiho cheered, jumping up with Algamade, the sudden movement not aligning well with the moving cart and making both of them stumble to regain control. But they did do it with raucous laughs.
Mudsdale never stopped pulling the cart, but he did snort and huff loudly as he turned his head away. "Young ones with that energy… Don't lose it."
Mudsdale: “Or at least not until you get to be old farts yourselves.” ^^;
Kiho and Algamade just grinned at him as they stood in the middle of the swaying cart. Eventually, they did find it better to sit back down and enjoy the night ride, though Kiho made sure to sit next to Algamade this time. It was comfortable to sit to by her side. Once one got used to her goo, it was rather soft and pleasant to feel.
Kiho: “That
probably sounds like some sort of innuendo right now, but meh. Don’t care at the moment.” ^^;
But in the relative calm, a low hum rose to Kiho's side. They glanced to see it was from Algamade, who was staring off with wide eyes. It was the familiar sight of Algamade in deep and slow thought, and Kiho seemed to catch the tail end of it as she grabbed one of their hands and opened her mouth to speak.
"Kiho. We haven't decided on a name for our team yet."
Wait a minute, so do these two wind up appearing in
Free Fiction proper? Since it feels a bit weird to go through the trouble of coming up with a team name for a pair of randos that will never ever appear again in some other media at the very end of this one-shot.
"Ah." Kiho blanked. They already felt plenty bad for distracting from what was supposed to be a happy beginning to their new lives, but it was enough of a distraction to not even settle on a name? Damn, if they wanted to get better, they had their work cut out for them.
"What do you think it should be?" Kiho asked.
Team Improvement? :V
With a wavy and unsure hum, Algamade looked around, probably to find anything to name the team after. Considering what was around them was mostly grass, longer grass, and rocks… Kiho wasn't ecstatic about the chances for a great name from the first try. But Algamade did stop looking around, focusing on the glow from Kiho's star-printed hands. The glow bounced off her reflective goo as well, creating a bit of a radiant ball around them.
Oh, their name’s going to be something related to stars, isn’t it?
And then, Algamade moved her head completely up, which made Kiho follow her sight. And once they did… Their breath left.
Above them, where it was once barely visible through the dense canopy of Gramble Mire, was an endless sea of stars simply floating above, all around the large moon that was radiant amidst the darkness. Streaks of deep blue and purple weaved through and past the glittering night sky. It was like a different world out of their reach, but still entirely visible. They had almost missed this entirely…
I’ll admit, I did a double-take at the place name since it was mentioned only once in this entire story before this point. It
might’ve made sense to bring it up in a few other places to beat it over the heads of the readers a bit harder.
But they realized now… There was finally a reason to look up.
"Look at them…" Algamade gasped.
"Y-Yeah," Kiho nodded, but their mouth never shut. The sea night sky was just… It was just too much to not marvel at. It was loud, smothering their sight, but the endless expanse was also so open and free. Each star was beautiful and significant. None of the lights drowned out another. They all shone equally bright, even the little ones.
"Starry Smiles."
Oh, we have a team name! Probably. Maybe.
That said, I would recommend making it a bit more obvious that the “sea” is referring to the sky (e.x. “sea of stars” / “sea in the sky” / etc) or else replace it with some other term.
Kiho glanced to Algamade's full smile, finding the stars above reflecting on her entirety, and so was the glow on their Ledian body. "Starry Smiles," she repeated, "that's a good name for us… I think. I don't think we'll be the biggest players or even famous, not like that human running around… But I'm sure we'll still shine, somehow."
OwO what’s this here?
Though this is another one of those things that made me go “waaaaait, why wasn’t this mentioned earlier?” since it’d probably have reflected in their whole earlier “daydream-y” parts of the one-shot where they’re focusing on their hopes for the future.
The Ledian glanced up again. Somehow, the sea looked entirely different than before. Maybe it was the same, but they could almost feel it as they looked upon each one, and they could swear one star moved with a streak following it from far off. They were moving, subtly and imperceptibly. But they could feel the tug on their form, almost like it was following the movement— connected to the figures that shone so brilliantly, yet were so small from the lowly cart beneath them where a weak bug and dragon watched.
See the prior note about “sea”, since my initial reaction to this was “wait, what? I thought they were stargazing” before I did a double-check back a couple paragraphs.
Kiho's fists clenched the hardest they could. Maybe they could do so even harder in the future, but they could be happy with their current peak. "Starry Smiles… Let's do it, Al. We're gonna go to that city, and we're gonna have fun in our new lives. Never look back."
Oh, I was
right about the name! :V
Algamade leaned her head against theirs. "Move forwards, am I right?"
There was a heavy snort from the front of the cart where Mudsdale kept pulling, but that didn't stop Kiho from laughing alongside Algamade, both of them staring up at the infinite stars while holding each other. Under them, a new team for the approaching guild was born.
These two totally show up in
Free Fiction, calling it now. Though I suppose that that’s as decent an advertisement as any for your main fic if they do, since this is a pretty cute “first step away from home” story.
Kiho wondered, would they matter and make a mark on the world? That was still unknown, but one thing was sure… They left a dull silence, and in a few days' time, they would arrive in their new life, in the middle of loud vibrance. That was nothing but exciting. Kiho would shine, and Algamade would too. It wasn't much, but it was there. Maybe it was delusion, but they needed to hope.
I mean, there’s only decent odds that you two are going to get burnt out and very world-weary in like a month, but let’s think positive for now. ^^;
The Ledian raised the arm that was holding Algamade's stubby limb. They were held up high, in a declaration that nobody but them saw. But that was fine. It was enough. They had always been hidden amongst the endless world.
But they'd still shine on together, for their new future.
And
there’s the cute ending.
Well that was a cute story, and it’s a bit more solidly put together than what I remembered from when I first read through the first chapter of
Free Fiction. Guess that’s a sign that I should go back to it and try to get through more chapters of it if they’ve been building towards getting up to this level of writing.
Alright, kicking things right off with what I feel are the main draws of this one-shot. The biggie is the characterization and emotional beats that you have in it, and I suspect it’s the main point of this one-shot meta-wise since everything about it just
screamed “character backstory”. It’s a relatively simple premise of “two pals want to go off to see the world but get cold feet about whether or not it’s a good idea and regain their confidence”, but it’s pulled off well. I’m especially pleasantly surprised that you had Mudsdale turn out to have a heart after all, since at first I thought that he was just going to be a cynical wet blanket the entire time.
I also thought that you delivered fairly well on your goal of writing a piece that while a part of
Free Fiction’s setting, was still standalone from it and enjoyable in a vacuum for readers. On my end, I went into this oneshot only having read the first chapter of
Free Fiction, but I didn’t ever have a point where I felt lost as to what was going on in this one-shot. It’s a tricky balance that not everyone is able to nail when writing gaiden materials to a main story, and I feel like you pulled it off well, so kudos on that front.
As for criticisms that I have for this story, one of the big standouts is that I feel you could use a bit more description here or there. It’s not a consistent problem in the one-shot, but there were certain points where the lack of description resulted in “wait, huh?” moments for me. Primarily in some of the character interaction moments between Kiho and Al in Mudsdale’s cart where more body language or internal thoughts would have gone a long way to be clearer about what was going on between them.
There were also some things feel a bit logically underreacted / too “out of mind” for the characters. Like Mudsdale has very little explicitly depicted reaction to Kiho and Al having both literally evolved just the other day when this might have been the first he’s seen of them in their present states. I mean, perhaps he already saw the two of them earlier, but that was never explicitly mentioned either, so the net result felt a bit weird as a reader. There were also a few topics that got brought up in a manner that felt really sudden to the plot. One of the big standouts was the mention of there being a human going around. I’m guessing that moments like those make more sense if you’ve read
Free Fiction beforehand, but it might make sense to build towards them a bit more in advance in terms of establishing context or hinting at them instead of cold-dropping them abruptly.
But in the end, I don’t think that any of those issues got in the way of this one-shot all that badly. To the point that I’m kinda wondering if these things basically giant ads for
Free Fiction or not. Since I’ll admit, you definitely made me interested in going back to that story and seeing what became of Kiho and Al in there since I’m
pretty sure the city they were headed to is Reefly.
But hey, I think you did a good job,
@GumPlum , and while I know you can be a bit nervous at times about the quality of your writing, if your more recent chapters of your main fic are anything like this, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Kudos, and good luck with Review Blitz.
