Pokémon Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Between Twilight and Daybreak

[Caliburn]

Spoiler: Preamble

Alrighty, I think I can start posting my new fic to the forums. After what feels like the longest time, I've returned to writing fanfiction, driven by the urge to craft the sort of Mystery Dungeon story I've yearned to write since Explorers of Time first fell into my hands twelve years ago. My last attempt was back in 2016, and I've cannibalized some parts from that old corpse to make the creation of this tale a bit easier on me. If you've read the fic on my DeviantArt (which I don't recommend doing now), then some of the characters and scenarios in the first few chapters will feel familiar; albeit more of a rhyme than simple repetition. If you are curious enough to dig through it, I can link the folder, but I digress.

While I try not to dip too deep into them, I cannot promise that this story will be devoid of cliché. That said, nothing's really new under the sun anymore, so I don't see that as too much of an issue as long as the end result is still compelling. Anyhow, I think I've rambled on long enough. Here's the first chapter.

Spoiler: Content Warning

The following fanfiction contains foul language and mild violence. Reader discretion may be advised. Please note that this content warning may change as the story progresses.

Episode 1: The Edge of Dawn

I woke from my dreamless sleep to a roaring chorus of rain, pounding rhythmically all around me as I shivered by myself. I didn’t need to open my eyes to know something was amiss. Cold, damp, drafty, basically the exact opposite of how I expect my bedroom to be in the morning. Even beyond that, my body felt wrong in some indescribable way. At first, I had no idea why I felt so off, but then I tried rubbing my eyes and it all became clear with one sharp poke to the brow.

Claws. That was the first thing I saw when my eyes shot open. Two sharp claws poking out of the paw taking the place of my hand. My lower lip trembled as my eyes trailed down my arm, gradually taking in every new detail it bore. It was completely covered in black fur, save for a puffy grey ruff below my wrist. At once, I was both amazed and terrified as I processed what I saw. Aching to find out what had happened to me, my gaze turned to the rest of my body once my shoulder was in view. Similarly black-furred, but with pure white stripes like a skunk that led to an honest-to-god tail… I looked like a Pokémon, but the exact kind wasn’t coming to mind. All I could do as I processed the sight was gaze dumbfoundedly at the body I now inhabited. This isn’t a dream, I know for a fact that I’m wide awake now. But then, why am I a Pokémon? And for that matter, where the hell even am I?

Rain. My focus turned back to the rain pouring down around me. I scanned my surroundings, finding myself in the middle of a dense array of drenched greenery. I was in some lush forest, lucky enough to have woken up below the branches of a particularly massive tree. If it weren’t for the leafy cover above me, I’d probably be soaked to the bone. I rolled over and got on my feet, crawling closer to the tree’s trunk. I knew it wouldn’t be any warmer than the rest of this place, but I’d at least appreciate having something to lean on as I get my bearings here.

With a hushed yawn, I slumped against the tree and glanced back down at myself. It took me a few more seconds than I’d like to admit, but it finally clicked with me what I was. A Linoone, specifically a Galarian one. A sigh escaped my mouth as the revelation hit me. Beggars can’t be choosers, I know, but why did I have to wake up as a Pokémon that’ll faint to a light punch? I mused. I guess it’s not all bad; Obstagoon’s got a cool look, so I can at least look forward to that.

“You comfy there?” A voice spoke to me, calm but with a vaguely teasing lilt to it. I froze up for a moment before craning my head in the direction it came from. A Meowstic girl stood not too far from me, holding a giant leaf over her like an umbrella as her tails swished steadily behind her. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything back to her immediately, partly because of a small sense of unease I felt, partly because my mind was still off on a tangent of ideas at the same time. “Hey, hello? Stardust?” The Meowstic piped back up, “There are better places to take a nap than on the ground, you know. Especially on a day like this.”

“No kidding,” I said, trying to match the slight smile she was giving me. “I would’ve picked anywhere else if I had a choice, frankly.” I’ve played the Mystery Dungeon games back at home, so I know how this scenario should play out, I thought, but how much do I really want to tell her right off the bat? For that matter, how do I know I can just take this whole situation at face value? I could be in a Pokémon version of Re:Zero for all I know...

“‘If you had a choice’?” The Meowstic repeated back to me, her head tilting to the side. “What, did somebody just drop you here?”

“Maybe? Hell if I know, honestly.” I clumsily scratched my neck in an attempt to seem more natural. Best that I keep it vague for now. I don’t have a good read on this lady, I dunno how she’d take to the idea that I’m a human. Or at least, a former human, anyhow.

“Nasty hangover, huh?” She just quipped back. “Yeah, that’s why I don’t drink. Plus, inebriation and destructive psychic power’s kind of a bad mix, y’know?”

“Wha- no, I don’t drink either!” I replied, my brow furrowing. “All I can tell you is that I just woke up here, no clue as to how or why.” Not entirely true, but I don’t think anyone’s gonna take me seriously if I say I’m here to save the world from an embodiment of everyone’s despair, or the cessation of time itself.

“Very, very curious,” the Meowstic remarked, scratching her chin with a pawlike hand. “We should probably get somewhere less dreary if we’re going to talk about this more, hm?” She took a step towards me and shook her leaf umbrella. “C’mon under, I’ll take you back to where I’m crashing.”

I squinted at Meowstic, looking her dead in the eyes. Seems trustworthy enough, as far as I can tell, and I’m not really in a position to refuse anyhow. I got back on my feet and made some uneasy strides toward her. “That works for me. You got a name?”

“Well, duh.” She said with a subdued chuckle. “It’s Mona. How about you?”

“Cassie.”

“Cassie. Well, that sounds nice. Rolls off the tongue well.” Mona turned around as I went beneath her umbrella, guiding me away from the tree and through the soaked grass. I winced as my paws became wetter and muddier with each step, but I did my best not to show it. Mona doesn’t look too bothered by it, so I probably shouldn’t be either. And then, right as we started walking, Mona went and said something that made me freeze up. “So, still getting used to your body now?”

Does she know? Shit. Shit! How did I already give myself away? I tried playing it off with a stiff laugh, hoping that Mona wouldn’t catch onto just how quickly my heart was pounding. “What kind of question is that? I mean, it’s my body, I’d think I’m used to it by now.”

“You sure?” Mona asked. “I saw you stumbling around when you got up, y’know. You’re acting like you just evolved overnight.”

Oh. Oh, is that what she meant? Damn, I feel like a fool for thinking otherwise. “Oh, yeah, okay.” A nervous yet relieved chuckle leaves my lips as I scurry back to her side. “That’s about right, dunno what I thought you were saying.”

“Heh, ain’t you a strange one?” Mona remarked.

“Strange in a good way?”

“Not strange in a bad way, s’far as I can tell.” Mona shrugged. “Might even be helpful for…” She trailed off, quickly snapping back to attention when she realized she was mumbling to herself. “Oh, never mind. Not important now.”

“Helpful for what?” I asked. Oh yeah, “not important” my furry ass. If I’m getting roped into something already, I’m gonna need a few more details.

“Do you wanna talk about it in the pouring rain, or do you wanna get dry first?” Mona snapped. I flinched, even though her tone wasn’t that severe.

“You’re right,” I said, “sorry, sorry.” I piped down, and we continued on in silence, trudging through the forest as the downpour continued around us. Mona didn’t seem too ticked off as we walked, but I didn’t want to press things further. Things were pretty uneventful from then on.

Well, they were for a little while, anyway.

At some point, Mona stopped in her tracks. “Wait,” she said with a hushed tone as she carefully scanned the bushes and trees around us. “Someone else is here. You hear them?”

“Not really,” I replied, keeping my voice down as well. “Why? Someone trying to jump us?”

“Before I answer that, how good are you in a fight?”

“Not the best,” I say, as if I’ve ever thrown a punch at someone in my life.

“Then try and stay out of this if you can.” Mona handed her umbrella off to me as she honed her focus in on a bush at the edge of the clearing we were walking through. Her ears unfolded, brimming with radiant energy before firing off a pair of sickly green blasts at the bush. Two Pokemon jumped out before the blasts hit, a Lurantis and a Nuzleaf.

“Damn!” The Nuzleaf yelled, getting to his feet in a battle stance. “Keep forgetting how sharp you are, Mona!”

“That’s Psychic-types for you,” the Lurantis chimed in.

“Sherry, Mitsuo, what a shock it is to see you here.” Mona said, with a faux surprise that dropped off the more she spoke. “Let me guess, still mad at me and my crew for smoking your asses again last week?”

“You know these two?” I asked Mona, my tail nervously brushing against the grass behind me.

“We’ve got a history, sure,” Mona replied.

“That your gang’s new blood?” The Lurantis asked. “Looks like kind of a weak-ass to me.”

“Gang?” I nudged Mona, trying to get her attention for a second. “Hey, Mona, this isn’t like a West Side Story thing or anything, right?” Oh yeah, just namedrop West Side Story, Cassie. They’ll definitely know what you’re talking about in this completely new world. Very smart, good job.

“We can talk about books later, Cassie,” Mona replied, not even giving me a glance. “All you need to know is that their crew is jealous of my crew because we keep kicking their asses.”

“Jealous? Ah, nah-nah-nah-nah-no, our issue is that you fight dirty!” The Nuzleaf bit back. “And not just regular dirty, I mean dirty dirty! You don’t even give us a chance!”

“And that’s why we’re getting the drop on you while we’re alone!” The Lurantis added. “Tilt the scales in our favor a little, take y’all down one-by-one! How’s that sound?”

“Not really one-by-one if I’ve got company, now, is it?” Mona retorted.

“I’m not much of a fighter, though, I said that.” I mumbled quickly to Mona.

“I can still take them on myself, it’s fine,” she replied.

“Shut up!” The Nuzleaf threw a razor-sharp leaf between us, just barely missing my head. “You! Linoone! Stay out of this and we won’t hurt you, got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m staying out, I’m staying out!” I backed away from Mona, fumbling to hold her umbrella between my paws. Mona said she can fight by herself, it should be fine if I sit back, right?

“I was gonna give you a chance to back down,” Mona said, scratching at the base of her ear. “But hey, if you’re gonna throw the first stone, far be it from me to refuse you a curbstomping.” Mona’s ears opened up again, firing off another blast toward her attackers. It’s another miss, though. That attack doesn’t seem too high-power. What is it, Signal Beam?

“Sherry!” The Nuzleaf called out. “Flank her!” He produced another Razor Leaf in his hand and flung it at her as his Lurantis companion scurried off to the side. The leaf just barely grazed Mona’s shoulder as she shot another Signal Beam at him. This time she hit her mark, sending him tumbling back with a pained grunt, out cold. If Mona’s the partner fate’s assigned to me, all I gotta say is, thank god she can fight like this already.

The Lurantis—Sherry, I think?—then leapt at Mona, brandishing her scythes wildly. Mona couldn’t react in time, getting sliced up pretty bad, and she staggered back. “Why, you little-” Mona’s venomous growl was quite literally cut short as Sherry followed her flurry of swipes up with one mighty dual cut. With that, she fell to the damp earth below, quietly snarling at the Lurantis standing over her.

“Shit, Mona!” Against my better judgement, I ran to her side.

“How do you like, that, bitch?” Sherry yelled, staking the earth around Mona with her blades. “Lemme tell you, I have been dying to even our little score. And hey, now I get to rip that smug-ass smile off your face! Ain’t that fun?” Something welled up inside me, seeing this play out. I didn’t know anything about Mona, and these attackers weren’t giving me the best impression of her either, but I could feel a burning within me as I watched the Lurantis kick Mona while she was down.

To hell with it. Mona’s the only person I even remotely know here, I can’t let this slide.

I trained my gaze on Sherry and barked, “Hey! You done yet?” She looked back to me, a bit perplexed at first, before letting out a laugh and sneering.

“What’s it to you?” She said. “This chick’s an asshole! Am I right, Mona, or am I right?”

“Bite me!” Mona spat back.

“See? Point proven. Now then, if you don’t mind…” Sherry pulled back one of her scythes, and it soon took on a verdant glow. Alright, I’ve had enough of her shit. I pounced.

“Lay off!” I leapt up and took a swipe at Sherry, digging my claws into her face. Nothing deep, but enough to send her staggering back. As my paws touched the ground, a pair of green rays shot over me, shining more vividly than before as they struck the dazed Lurantis. She fell just as her companion before her did, out cold. I peeked back to see Mona, back on her feet and clutching her arm.

“‘Not much of a fighter,’ you said?”

“Not really,” I told Mona. “Not as far as I knew, anyhow.”

“Well, you don’t seem half bad, s’far as I can tell.” Mona grabbed her leaf umbrella off the ground. Oh yeah, dropped that when I lunged at the Lurantis. Shit, I hope she’s not mad about it. “But I think I’d need to see you in like, an actual fight to really know.”

“I mean, as long as you don’t expect that much from me, I guess…” I gave Mona a cross between a sigh and a chuckle. Please, please don’t throw me into another fight today, Mona…

“Eh, if you say so. I gotta talk to my crew about it first anyhow. C’mon.” Mona beckoned to me, and I joined her under her leafy umbrella again as we continued along our way.

I gave a look back to Mona’s unconscious rivals as we walked away from them. “Uh, is it okay if we leave just them there?”

“Eh, they’ll pick ‘emselves back up in thirty minutes, they’ll be fine.” Mona punctuated this with a snicker to herself. “Happens all the time with these dips. Now then, our little hideaway shouldn’t be too far from here…”

With that, I gave a quiet nod and followed Mona through the rain. All I did from then till we reached her place was think. I hadn’t the foggiest idea what I’d been thrown into, where this new life would take me, why I was even here. All questions I’d probably get the answers to in due time, I figured, but I couldn’t help but wonder.

Well, no matter what happens, I just hope I don’t make any more enemies.

 

[Tanuki]

Great start! It’s a familiar premise, but you distinguish yourself from the mainline off the bat pretty well. Especially noteworthy was Mona not thinking Cassie’s name was weird. It’s subtle, but, “Huh, that’s a strange name,” is such a staple to the games that diverging from that is pretty impactful.

It’s also one of the many ways you distinguish Mona not only as different from her canon equivalent, but as her own character. Your characterization through dialogue , character action and interaction does a great job establishing the characters and the setting.

Even so early on, you really well established the basic premise. It’s a familiar world with enough unfamiliarity to keep it interesting. Cassie knows about the games, whatever team Mona’s on seems something like a gang, and she’s got history and some kind of clout or notoriety to the ‘mon around her.

It’s a really great start that’s got me interested for more!

I didn’t find too many problems, personally, but I quoted the two errors I could find.

Beggars can’t be choosers, I know, but why did I have to wake up as a Pokémon that’ll faint to a light punch? I mused.

“I mused” shouldn’t be italicized.

— Sherry, I think? —

You don’t need spaces between words and em-dashes. You place them right between the words—like this—instead. Just a grammar thing.

 

[Caliburn]

Spoiler: Author's Notes

First of all, thanks for the feedback, Tanuki! I've taken your grammatical remarks into account and I'm glad to hear that you're invested already.

Second, I've been sitting on this second chapter for a while now, and I figure that now's as good a time to submit it as ever, since I'm putting this fic up for Catnip review this weekend. Get some more material ready for whoever's going to be taking a look, y'know?

This chapter's going to be a slower one, but hopefully it'll still be interesting.

Chapter 2: Come Home with Me

After finding and walking along a cobblestone path through the woods, Mona took me to a plain-looking wooden hovel, tucked away just within the treeline, as if hiding from the road. From the outside it didn’t look like much; it seemed sturdy enough, and I imagined it kept the rain out well enough, but there was an air of desperation to it, like Mona herself would’ve picked any other place to live if she had a choice. Still, I wasn’t expecting to live in Sharpedo Bluff or anything.

“Well, here we are,” Mona declared, coming to a halt just before the door. “I didn’t get your hopes up too much, did I?”

“Nah, I’m not picky,” I said. “Your friends live here too?”

“Yeah, we’re sorta like roommates,” Mona said, shooting me a quick grin as she added, “with about about as much infighting as you’d expect.” She looked up at the door (a fairly large door, at least from my diminished point of view) and pounded on it with the ferocity of a soccer mom asking for a store’s manager. “Willow! Open up, I got company!”

A noxious purple cloud began to waft from the door’s cracks as Mona banged on it, swirling behind her as more and more of it wafted out. She soon caught on and stopped knocking, turning around with a humorless expression as she faced the coagulating mass of fumes. At first I was thrown, crouching down in a weak attempt to avoid whatever the hell this was, but as I saw the look on Mona’s face, my nerves died down. That’s when I noticed the shape the smoke took on.

It was a Gastly.

“Another unwanted guest, Mona?” He spoke with a low, rumbling tone. He sounds unearthly… perfect for a YouTube channel about true crime or something, but it’s almost unnerving to hear in-person.

A petty puff of breath left Mona’s mouth. “Oh great, here we go again,” she mumbled. “Look, can we talk about this inside? Kinda need some patching-up, if you can’t tell.”

“I was wondering why you look like hell,” the Gastly remarked, before turning his gaze to me. “Who is she, though?”

“C-Cassie,” I stammered, offering the Gastly a stiff wave. “Hi.” You have a type advantage over him, Cassie, there’s nothing to worry about. Stop freaking out about the low-level mon that sounds like a hell demon.

“Found her on the way back,” Mona said, “she was just waking up when I got to her. Dunno what her deal is, but hey, she helped me whip the Wildflowers, so there’s that.”

“Team Wildflower jumped you again?” The Gastly asked, looking back to Mona.

“I’m sorry? Team Wildflower?” Shit, was that a rescue team we just beat up? Er, exploration team? Whichever name’s more common. I thought they were just some jerks, I hope to god we don’t get in legal trouble for this.

Mona answered my question with a silent glance before returning to her conversation with the Gastly. “Yeah, I think we oughta take this inside. Fur’s freaking soaked anyhow.”

The Gastly let out a grumble before saying, “Fine. But you and me need to talk.” With that, he seeped back into the hut, opening the door for us as he entered. Mona followed behind him, pausing in the doorway to beckon me inside. I trotted in after her, shaking the water out of my fur as my paws touched the floorboards.

The interior of Mona’s hut wasn’t much more remarkable than the exterior; on one end of the room was a fireplace with a threadbare rug set before it, and on the other was a table with two chairs. I walked over to the table as Mona followed the Gastly to a pair of doors in the back of the room, and there seemed to be a deck of playing cards strewn about the tabletop. The suits and designs weren’t familiar to me, but I could at least make out the letters and numbers on the cards. So I can speak and read Pokémonese, or whatever their language is called. Seems the isekai gods were generous to me in that regard.

“Hey Mona, who’s the new face?” An unfamiliar voice asked. Looking up, I saw a Pancham seated at the table, looking me over with curiosity in her eyes. Did she sit down while I was looking at the cards, or was she always there and I just didn’t notice?

“That’s Cassie,” Mona replied, telepathically closing the outside door from across the room. “Found her outside. Sleeping in the mud or something.”

“We’re not keeping her, just so we’re clear,” the Gastly added.

“Don’t trust Willow, we still need to talk it out.” Mona pulled open one of the doors at the far end of the room, allowing Willow the Gastly to drift inside. “Mind keeping her busy for me while gasbag talks my ears off?”

The Pancham shot Mona a thumbs-up. “Hell yeah, leave it to me!” Mona gave the Pancham a nod in return before exiting the room, shutting the door behind her. The Pancham, meanwhile, began to pick cards off the table and shuffle them rather haphazardly. “So, I’m Jo, nice to meetcha!” She said to me.

“Nice to meet you too,” I said back, before climbing onto the chair and attempting to sit comfortably on it. Not easy with my new quadrupedal body, but I found a way. “You play?” I ask, sliding a card to her.

“Uh… I know war and blackjack,” Jo said. “Mona’s been trying to teach me poker, but Willow just thinks it’s pointless. Screw him though, right?”

“I- I guess, sure.” Well, she’s making a bit more positive an impression than her friends, I’ll give her that.

“Oh!” Jo slammed her cards down on the table, her eyes wide with revelation. “Mona said you were passed out in the forest, right! You haven’t had anything to eat yet, have you?”

I shook my head. Come to think of it, my stomach does feel awfully empty. Guess I didn’t realize before since I didn’t have any time to settle down.

“I’ll be right back, hold on.” Jo lept away from the table, doing a cartwheel as she made for the other door on the far side of the room. She pulled it open and darted inside, coming out mere seconds later with two apples and a small bag in her arms. She rushed back to the table, setting them down and rolling the yellow apple over to me. She took the other and bit into it.

“Oh.” Well, she’s enthusiastic, isn’t she? I grabbed the apple on my side of the table, digging my claws in to help me grip it, and took a bite. The skin was starting to wrinkle, but I always did like golden delicious most, so I didn’t mind. “Thank you,” I said after swallowing my first bite.

“It ain’t anything fancy, but this’ll do, right?” Jo asked, scooping a handful of granola from the pouch and dropping it into her mouth.

“Oh, this is more than enough, thank you.” As I took another bite of my apple, a thought crossed my mind. Jo’s giving me better vibes than Mona and Willow, I feel confident in saying that much. I feel like she wouldn’t be as harsh as I picture them being if I asked her some of my stupid questions? Maybe not all at once, but still…

“You thinking about something?” Jo asked, bringing me back to reality.

“Oh! Yeah yeah, yeah, I um… got something dumb to ask, if that’s alright?” C’mon, Cassie, you can do it. “Where am I, exactly?”

Jo tilted her head to the side, mulling over my question. “You mean like, where’s this hideout on the map? How far’s the next town? What’s outside all these woods?”

“All of the above. Just, in general, what is this place?”

“Okay, uh,” Jo reached back and scratched her neck. “You’re definitely not a local, huh?” I shook my head. “Well that’s alright! We’re just along the outskirts of Woodedge, that’s this town to the north… wait, north or west, which was it?” Jo paused, pouting as she rested her chin on her fist before continuing on. “Well, either way, Woodedge is in one of those directions, and if I’m being blunt? Kinda sucks, not anything special. Most folks just stop by there on their way to or from Lugia’s Landing, that’s this cool port town a few miles away. Then a few towns over in the other direction is New… Modalstroke?” That… sounds kinda familiar, but dear lord, I think she mangled that name. “This big city place. I’ve never been there, but I hear it’s super glitzy and advanced. Someday, we’re gonna make it big there, I just know it!” With that last sentence, Jo took on a giddy, wide-eyed grin, and for a moment I could swear there was a twinkling in her pupils.

“That’s uh, good to know,” I said, “thanks.” A bit much to process all at once, honestly, but I think I got the gist. Woodedge, Lugia’s Landing, whatever the hell New Modalstroke’s supposed to be…

“Now I gotta ask, though.” Jo said, biting into her apple again before she continued. “What’re you doing here if you’ve got no clue where ‘here’ is?”

I shrugged. “Hell if I know, I just woke up here. I mean, I guess last night’s a bit of a blur, but that’s more cuz my nights usually aren’t anything special. They just kinda blend together when they’re all the same.” I pawed a bit of granola out of the bag and started munching on it. Kinda bland, actually. Bit of a shame, but I'm not surprised. “And I don’t know anyone who would or could do this to me, either. S’just an enigma to me, I dunno.”

Jo’s next question came out of almost nowhere. “And you’re sure you don’t have amnesia?”

“Amnesia?” I stared blankly at Jo. “I think I’d remember having amnesia, where’d that come from?”

“I guess you like, kinda reminded me of these old legends my ma used to tell me,” she replied, a bit less exuberant in tone.

“What kind of legends, specifically?”

“You know!” Jo waved her hands in the air, as if her point should be bleedingly obvious. “Mysterious stranger wakes up someplace with no memory of who they are or how they got there, and then, guess what? They’re human! And then they gotta save the world from darkness or whatever!”

In a bit of a flat tone, I said, “Ah, those kinds of legends.” I dunno if I should be surprised that I’m apparently not the first human to get Pokéfied or not. I want to assume that the other Mystery Dungeon games happened in this world, but I guess I can’t be too sure yet. “Right, yeah, cool stuff.”

“Hey, I’m not boring you or anything, am I?” Jo asked.

“No, no, you’re fine!” I said. “It’s fine! You’re fine. It’s fine.” Goddammit Cassie that’s overkill, stop saying she’s fine before she ends up feeling less fine!

“Okay,” Jo chimed. “Got a bit worried there. I’m a sucker for stories like that, you know? It’d be a dream come true to even be on the sidelines of something like that.” With her mood restored, she started munching away at her apple, quickly reducing it to nothing but a core. I was content to just shovel some more granola into my mouth, gazing at the spectacle with an odd curiosity.

“I don’t like, blame you,” I eventually added, “I dunno if I’m the most familiar with all that, but uh-”

The door that Mona and Willow had vanished behind earlier slammed back open, Mona rushing out in a hurry. Oh thank god, I had no idea where I was going with that train of thought.

“Jo, we need to get our bags now.” Mona said, an unusual severity to her voice. “Can’t believe this slipped our minds, we’re usually better than this.”

“Wait, we’re going out today?” Jo asked, jumping from her seat. “Didn’t we plot our next outing for the 27th?”

“Yes, and as it turns out, it is the 27th,” Willow explained, entering the central room. “We’ll miss our window of opportunity if we don’t go today.”

“Wait,” I said, “what’s going on?”

“It’s not important,” Mona replied, grabbing a bag from beside the fireplace. “We can explain on the way there.” Well that’s helpful.

“No, we’re not bringing potential dead weight along,” Willow rebuked. “She doesn’t fit into our plans, she could compromise our mission.”

“I mean, you wouldn’t want her alone in the hideout by herself, would you?”

“I wouldn’t want that either, no.”

“Wait, wait,” I tried again to interject, “what kind of mission is this? What are you guys doing?” I swear to god, if nobody tells me what I’m getting dragged into, I’m going to scream.

“So, we should take her out with us!” Jo said. “See what she’s capable of, y’know?”

“That doesn’t answer my question, what-”

“We cannot add an unknown variable to the equation this late, Jo!” Willow barked.

“She has a point, Willow,” Mona added, “besides, if you don’t want her here or there, where do you want her, hm?”

“Guys, can I please have a say in this, please?” I said, hoping I wouldn’t fall on deaf ears again. I’m gonna go insane, oh my god.

“Fine,” Willow conceded, “you have a point. New girl, hope you’re ready to show us what you’re made of.”

“What are we even doing, though?” I spat. “Where are we going, what’s the goal, are we gonna have to fight people? Are you- When you- Can you people even hear me? What am I helping you with?” I want to sink my claws into something. Holy shit, these people.

The room went silent after my outburst. Mona was the first to speak, putting a hand on my shoulder as she did. “Look, ideally, we won’t need to fight anyone. We’re going on a… supply run mixed with a treasure hunt, I guess you can call it.” I dunno what I’d call that, but alright, sure. “If all goes well, this should make the next month a little easier on us. If not…” Mona just shrugged.

“Run for the hills?” Jo finished.

“Sure, that works. So, how’s that sound?”

I sighed. “I guess there’s not much of a choice here to begin with,” I muttered.

“Yeah, you’ll get the spirit of it soon ‘nuff!” Jo cheered, slapping me abruptly on the back before rushing back into the other room. She emerged a few seconds later with a satchel slung around her shoulder, running outside while screaming, “Let's get this done!” I guess I’m tagging along now, like it or not...

“Dammit, wait up, Jo!” Willow called after her. “Ugh, stupid kid. Mona, I’m following her. You two’d better not be that far behind us.” Willow then drifted out of the hut, following after Jo.

All I could do for a good moment was stare at Mona, my open-mouthed bewilderment against her sly smirk. “Well, Cassie?” Mona said. “Only got so much daylight to burn, now. C’mon.” She strolled over to the doorway and waved to me. With a long, agonized sigh, I hopped off the chair and went after her.

What the fresh hell am I getting myself into here?

 

[Adamhuarts]

Finally checked this fic out after a while and so I've read the first chapter and this is my review for it.

Right off the bat I'd say I'm a bit mixed on this fic so far. The first chapter didn't really give me much of a strong impression if I'm being honest.

The prose has adverbs being used a little too extensively that it feels a bit clunky to read through. You also use the conjunction 'as' too frequently. It tends to be a writing crutch, which I also relied on too much in the past, and limiting its use can help one make more interesting sentences. I'd suggest getting a good beta reader to help you look through these kinds of issues further in the future. It's one of the most effective ways to improve your writing.

Outside grammar errors, I also have a bit of an issue with the characters. It felt all too unrealistic how quickly Cassie came to terms with their sudden transformation. They barely even panicked at all. I know it's implied they know about isekais and pmd in particular, with ReZero even being mentioned. However even in ReZero, Subaru at least shows a lot of excitement and tries to do random shit like magic at first. Cassie just becomes too fine with their current state without showing any fright or excitement to their bizarre situation.

Mona also struck me as weird as she just invites Cassie over without any clear reason or anything as far as we've been shown in the first chapter. She doesn't say she's helping Cassie because they're lost, confused or anything. In fact Cassie should have been incredibly suspicious of a stranger inviting them to their crashing place less than five minutes after knowing them. It's not implied whether Mona has malicious intentions or not, and that confusion concerning her character and intentions is disorienting.

The battle that also happened in the second half of the chapter also doesn't leave much of an impression on the reader since it doesn't really serve much of a narrative purpose aside from introducing us to two new characters who are obviously going to be recurring characters. These kinds of random early mob encounters are better used if the attackers aren't really recurring characters and are just fodder. See the sneasels in the first chapter of The End: Rekindled as an example of this being done well.

All in all, I'd say this story has potential. However, there's a number of flaws bogging it down in my opinion. Once again I'd suggest finding a beta reader, andi wish you luck with your writing endeavors!

 

[kintsugi]

mkay, here for both chapters! splitting up the posts since I think both reviews are gonna trend a bit long, haha.

I liked the first chapter because it really just jumps straight to the point--there's some nice action, the dialogue flows really smoothly, a bit of small-stakes conflict gets set up and taken down. Lots of things happen right off the bat, and you do a really good job of introducing your characters. Mona definitely makes a splash, and she seems really cool! I loved the little detail about the leaf umbrella, and I also like how you set her up for being a cool badass but she still needs some help--looks like Cassie might have a role to play after all! I'm especially curious about the references to her other teammates, and that team dynamic will end up playing out.

Galarian Linoone is a fun character pick, too! I was really expecting zorua or riolu when I saw the dark-furred paws, so this is a fun surprise. They have fun lore and until proven otherwise I'm going to assume that Cassie is biologically incapable of running in circles.

Overall I think this is a fun, lighter take on PMD (for now? who knows????). The stakes definitely feel less extreme, with like, schoolyard bullies over dark matter eating the world or whatever, and Cassie definitely isn't taking anything seriously.

I’ve played the Mystery Dungeon games back at home, so I know how this scenario should play out, I thought, but how much do I really want to tell her right off the bat? For that matter, how do I know I can just take this whole situation at face value? I could be in a Pokémon version of Re:Zero for all I know...

But even with that background, I found her thought process for getting poofed here a little hard to get through/wrap my head around. Videogames and fiction in general tends to have room for the audience to suspend disbelief in the way that a character actually going through those things wouldn't. Like, I've read Harry Potter, but if a strange tall man broke into my uncle's house and told me I'm a wizard, I wouldn't assume that this is just like Harry Potter except now I'm Harry and I'll be fine, you know? And PMD is a specific flavor of isekai since you lose your human body in the process--there's a lot to unpack there!

I don't think you need to go full body horror, since a lot of isekai gets by just fine. But usually in the flavor of isekai where the player can't be hurt/this world isn't real/consequences don't matter, there's some sort of external reassurance to the protagonist that these assumptions are true, so the protagonist just goes straight into jumping off of cliffs screaming LEEEROY JENKINS because they know that they can't be hurt. I wanted to know what Cassie was thinking here, why she immediately assumes its fictional and she's the chosen one, especially when the other characters seem reasonably real and are acting differently from their NPC counterparts, you know? Like, is there even a hint of "oh, hmm, in the PMD games I've played you don't get jumped by Nuzleaf and Lurantis, and your partner pokemon can't be Meowstic ... I wonder if anything else is changed, like my inability to stay dead?" Is she happy to be in this world, perhaps because she didn't like the human world? Is she at all concerned about going back, or does she think it'll disappear when she wakes up? Does she think Mona is real? Does she think this world is real? Dunno! You don't necessarily have to unpack all of this in the first chapter, since I think that's a long-term self-discovery thing, but I sort of wanted the seeds of some way of addressing the isekai element a bit.

Some general line edits:

“C’mon under, I’ll take you back to where I’m crashing.”

I squinted at Meowstic, looking her dead in the eyes. Seems trustworthy enough, as far as I can tell, and I’m not really in a position to refuse anyhow. I got back on my feet and made some uneasy strides toward her.

Fact: PMD Ted Bundy could absolutely pose as the partner pokemon and comb through the woods looking for isekai'd humans to murder since no one would miss them and they're all gung-ho about trusting the first person they see

“Sherry, Mitsuo, what a shock it is to see you here.” Mona said, with a faux surprise that dropped off the more she spoke. “Let me guess, still mad at me and my crew for smoking your asses again last week?”

“You know these two?” I asked Mona, my tail nervously brushing against the grass behind me.

I thought this was kind of a strange observation from Cassie, since everything in Mona's dialogue, including calling them by name, suggests that she does indeed know them.

“We can talk about books later, Cassie,”

haha! I wasn't sure if this was like, Mona not knowing what West Side Story is and just assuming it's a book, or like, is there all of the trappings of West Side Story in this world as well? Is there tension between immigrants of PMD Puerto Rico living in PMD America? Are there turf wars on large scales in PMD New York? Did PMD West Side Story shake PMD Broadway by introducing chaotic and raw dance styles to the vernacular?Was there a PMD Shakespeare who popularized a genre of love plot that got adapted into this PMD West Side Story? Or is it more like, the PMD West Side Story is just a completely unrelated story that happens to have the same title but is actually about like, two seedot hanging from the west side of a tree?

Mona couldn’t react in time, getting sliced up pretty bad, and she staggered back.

With that, she fell to the damp earth below, quietly snarling at the Lurantis standing over her.

I think the battle could've used a bit more fleshing out if you wanted it to feel high-stakes, like Cassie's involvement really tipped the scales here. What's a metric for "sliced up pretty bad"? Are they deep cuts? Is Mona in pain? It's kind of hard as well since Cassie (and the reader) doesn't really know how many hits pokemon can take, so I was struggling to figure out how severe this battle was/how much danger Mona actually ends up in. I think having more focus on the characters reacting to getting hit would help a lot--Mona staggers, but is she hurt? When she's quietly snarling, is it a last resort thing because she's too weak to do anything else? I wanted a bit more detail here, and also a bit more structure.

Good fights usually have two things--an interesting conflict, and stakes. The first you already set up pretty well, with all the fighting banter between Mona and the crew. Conflict is about what both parties want from this fight. It's clear these guys have beef and now Sherry and Mitsuo want revenge. Simple conflict, solidly established. The stakes are a bit harder--what do both parties stand to lose? From context it looks like Sherry and Mitsuo have been knocked out several times by Mona before, but there doesn't really seem to be any repercussion for this, and they can just try again. So the reverse seems like it'd also be likely, where they aren't going to like, kill or maim Mona, and if she loses here it's just a sting to her pride. And Mona doesn't really even entertain the idea that anyone is going to get badly injured here. Which is fine--low stakes fights aren't a bad thing. But Sherry's dialogue makes it seem like, nope, they're definitely here for blood--which seems very high stakes. The tone flips in a way that's hard to follow, and it's hard to feel invested in the fight as a result.

“How do you like, that, bitch?”

An extra comma snuck up in here before "that".
Also, I'd probably toss in a tag for language at the top! Nbd really but the curses really do fly in this one paragraph. Felt a bit tonally dissonant. And like, maybe I've just gotten ruined by "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" but I've really stopped seeing anyone who uses bitch as an insult as someone who should be taken remotely seriously.

“That’s Psychic-types for you,” the Lurantis chimed in.

“That your gang’s new blood?” The Lurantis asked.

A grammar note--dialogue punctuation is kind of weird, but when you're doing dialogue tags (like "the Lurantis asked") in sentences, you shouldn't capitalize the dialogue tag. So the first one is correct, but the second one should instead be:

"That your gang's new blood?" the Lurantis asked."

Same applies to dialogue that ends in exclamation marks as well as question marks. My heuristic for remembering this: they're part of the same sentence, so you don't want to capitalize them to split them off into two sentences. "The Lurantis asked" is technically a sentence in the sense that it's got an subject and a verb, but what is the lurantis asking? She's asking That's your gang's new blood?--these are kind of linked, you know. Same as "The Lurantis chimed in" technically being a sentence, but actually being linked to That's Psychic-types for you.

“Jealous? Ah, nah-nah-nah-nah-no, our issue is that you fight dirty!” The Nuzleaf bit back.

Same grammar thing as before, and I wasn't sure if "bit" was the word you wanted here.

Overall, this is a fun start though! Swinging around for chapter 2 in a bit.

 

[kintsugi]

okay, back for episode 2!

Shit, was that a rescue team we just beat up? Er, exploration team? Whichever name’s more common. I thought they were just some jerks, I hope to god we don’t get in legal trouble for this.

“Look, ideally, we won’t need to fight anyone. We’re going on a… supply run mixed with a treasure hunt, I guess you can call it.”

my general mood for this chapter: if we're setting up for the reveal that Cassie accidentally joined the bad guys, I am SO HYPED. Are they stealing shit? I really hope they're stealing shit. They keep dancing around their goals this chapter and I think that would be a really excellent twist on "player trusts the first pokemon they see, who is of course a good-hearted explorer like themself" trope. Plus that'd be such great juxtaposition with the isekai mentality of just like, knowing better than everyone else (while actually being tricked) and then going along with things for shits and giggles--turns out actions really do have consequences! Even without that, what is the squad's mission here? What are they trying to do, if not the normal route of trying to become explorers? Lots of interesting potential here.

This one is a lot fun with the characters as well--Willow gets established reasonably well and he seems fun. Jo seems earnest, which is a good third leg to add to the Mona/Willow dynamic, and I like how she's so excited about the human legend. I think there's a lot of interesting room to play around with how she views those people as brave, courageous heroes, especially since Cassie doesn't quite seem ready to fit into that role yet.

Plotwise this one does feel a bit like set-up--the main beats are just meeting new characters and then Cassie being told that she can't know what's going on. I have a hunch that this could probably be bundled into either episode 1 or maybe episode 3, depending on what happens? There's a lot of fun beats here (Mona teaching Jo poker, sharing granola, looking at that weird map), but overall it sort of feels like this is mostly buildup for the next chapter. Looking forward to watching them steal shit seeing what they do, though!

some line-by-line thoughts:

She looked up at the door (a fairly large door, at least from my diminished point of view) and pounded on it with the ferocity of a soccer mom asking for a store’s manager.

This metaphor sorta didn't land for me, since you're relating "asking" (or yelling, idk) and "pounding" (slash loudly knocking)--they seem sorta disjoint here. I get why you want the joke here though. There's another metaphor later that's comparing Willow's voice to that of a truecrime narrator's voice that I thought worked much better at painting the picture in my head.

“Don’t trust Willow, we still need to talk it out.” Mona pulled open one of the doors at the far end of the room, allowing Willow the Gastly to drift inside. “Mind keeping her busy for me while gasbag talks my ears off?”

On first read this was a bit hard to catch that she switches who she's addressing here. Maybe like, add that Mona's calling over her shoulder to someone Cassie can't see, or something.

“I- I guess, sure.” Well, she’s making a bit more positive an impression than her friends, I’ll give her that.

oof harsh

Goddammit Cassie that’s overkill, stop saying she’s fine before she ends up feeling less fine!

I think you dropped italics here

“No, we’re not bringing potential dead weight along,” Willow rebuked. “She doesn’t fit into our plans, she could compromise our mission.”

oh??? what plans are thooooose????

 

[Caliburn]

Okay, fresh batch of reviews! Many thanks for the feedback, let's see what I can address now...

Spoiler: Adamhuarts' Review (Ch. 1)

The prose has adverbs being used a little too extensively that it feels a bit clunky to read through. You also use the conjunction 'as' too frequently. It tends to be a writing crutch, which I also relied on too much in the past, and limiting its use can help one make more interesting sentences. I'd suggest getting a good beta reader to help you look through these kinds of issues further in the future. It's one of the most effective ways to improve your writing.

I did not realize this was an issue I had. Thanks for pointing this out, I'll be sure to keep it in mind going forward. As for beta readers, I'll admit that these first two or three chapters weren't beta-read, but I'm planning on fixing that going forward while I plan the rest of this out.

Outside grammar errors, I also have a bit of an issue with the characters. It felt all too unrealistic how quickly Cassie came to terms with their sudden transformation. They barely even panicked at all. I know it's implied they know about isekais and pmd in particular, with ReZero even being mentioned. However even in ReZero, Subaru at least shows a lot of excitement and tries to do random shit like magic at first. Cassie just becomes too fine with their current state without showing any fright or excitement to their bizarre situation.

You do have a point here, I dunno how I understated this part so severely. I guess I didn't wanna meander on the whole "oh shit I'm a Pokemon" part of things, but it seems I went too far in the other direction. Duly noted. I'm not sure if I should go back and make any big changes to these chapters (although I might do that anyways when I stick these up on AO3), but this is something I'd have to elaborate on if I do decide to make some edits.

Mona also struck me as weird as she just invites Cassie over without any clear reason or anything as far as we've been shown in the first chapter. She doesn't say she's helping Cassie because they're lost, confused or anything. In fact Cassie should have been incredibly suspicious of a stranger inviting them to their crashing place less than five minutes after knowing them. It's not implied whether Mona has malicious intentions or not, and that confusion concerning her character and intentions is disorienting.

You're right, it'd probably have been a good idea to slip in a little exchange where Mona asks Cassie if she's got anywhere to stay. I did want there to be an air of ambiguity around her in the first few chapters, but I see that I could've executed on that better.

The battle that also happened in the second half of the chapter also doesn't leave much of an impression on the reader since it doesn't really serve much of a narrative purpose aside from introducing us to two new characters who are obviously going to be recurring characters. These kinds of random early mob encounters are better used if the attackers aren't really recurring characters and are just fodder. See the sneasels in the first chapter of The End: Rekindled as an example of this being done well.

Hm... See, my mindset was that a fight with some no-name mooks wouldn't be as compelling in this scenario. I don't think Sherry and Mitsuo are going to be popping up all that often after this, but their purpose is more about establishing Mona's character than their own. This goes back to what I said about wanting Mona to seem fishy in the first chapters.

All in all, I'd say this story has potential. However, there's a number of flaws bogging it down in my opinion. Once again I'd suggest finding a beta reader, andi wish you luck with your writing endeavors!

Well, I'm sorry if you end up bouncing off this story, but nonetheless, I appreciate your criticism!

Spoiler: Kintsugi's Review (Ch. 1)

Galarian Linoone is a fun character pick, too! I was really expecting zorua or riolu when I saw the dark-furred paws, so this is a fun surprise. They have fun lore and until proven otherwise I'm going to assume that Cassie is biologically incapable of running in circles.

Y'know, in previous attempts at making PMD fic, I did actually have the main protag be a Zorua. And they were gonna end up with a Riolu partner too. Yeah, I'm trying to be less predictable here, as you can see. As for the "biologically incapable of running in circles" bit... Shoot, I didn't even think of that, now I've gotta do something with that.

Fact: PMD Ted Bundy could absolutely pose as the partner pokemon and comb through the woods looking for isekai'd humans to murder since no one would miss them and they're all gung-ho about trusting the first person they see

...I honestly don't know if I should consider this to be a criticism or if I should just say that Cassie's not the best decision-maker. I mean, she's not, but at the same time, I probably could add in an extra line or something if this is jarring.

haha! I wasn't sure if this was like, Mona not knowing what West Side Story is and just assuming it's a book, or like, is there all of the trappings of West Side Story in this world as well? Is there tension between immigrants of PMD Puerto Rico living in PMD America? Are there turf wars on large scales in PMD New York? Did PMD West Side Story shake PMD Broadway by introducing chaotic and raw dance styles to the vernacular?Was there a PMD Shakespeare who popularized a genre of love plot that got adapted into this PMD West Side Story? Or is it more like, the PMD West Side Story is just a completely unrelated story that happens to have the same title but is actually about like, two seedot hanging from the west side of a tree?

This is exactly the kind of thinking I wanted to inspire with that line and I am so glad it worked.

I think the battle could've used a bit more fleshing out if you wanted it to feel high-stakes, like Cassie's involvement really tipped the scales here. What's a metric for "sliced up pretty bad"? Are they deep cuts? Is Mona in pain? It's kind of hard as well since Cassie (and the reader) doesn't really know how many hits pokemon can take, so I was struggling to figure out how severe this battle was/how much danger Mona actually ends up in. I think having more focus on the characters reacting to getting hit would help a lot--Mona staggers, but is she hurt? When she's quietly snarling, is it a last resort thing because she's too weak to do anything else? I wanted a bit more detail here, and also a bit more structure.

I didn't want the first fight to be too intense, since things more or less have to escalate in tension from here, but you do raise some good points. It's been a while since I've written a fight scene outside of roleplay, so I'm not too surprised that there are some issues with the first battle here, but these points are helpful

An extra comma snuck up in here before "that".

Oh oop, didn't notice. Thanks for pointing that out.

Also, I'd probably toss in a tag for language at the top! Nbd really but the curses really do fly in this one paragraph. Felt a bit tonally dissonant.

Wasn't sure if I should tag this for language, but I'll be sure to do that now. Thanks for the heads-up.

And like, maybe I've just gotten ruined by "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" but I've really stopped seeing anyone who uses bitch as an insult as someone who should be taken remotely seriously.

I mean, I wouldn't say you should take Sherry all that seriously...

A grammar note--dialogue punctuation is kind of weird, but when you're doing dialogue tags (like "the Lurantis asked") in sentences, you shouldn't capitalize the dialogue tag. So the first one is correct, but the second one should instead be:
Same applies to dialogue that ends in exclamation marks as well as question marks. My heuristic for remembering this: they're part of the same sentence, so you don't want to capitalize them to split them off into two sentences. "The Lurantis asked" is technically a sentence in the sense that it's got an subject and a verb, but what is the lurantis asking? She's asking That's your gang's new blood?--these are kind of linked, you know. Same as "The Lurantis chimed in" technically being a sentence, but actually being linked to That's Psychic-types for you.

That's helpful to know, thank you.

I wasn't sure if "bit" was the word you wanted here.

I suppose I could've picked a better word there. Maybe "shot," I think that'd be a good replacement.

Spoiler: Kintsugi's Review (Ch. 2)

Plotwise this one does feel a bit like set-up--the main beats are just meeting new characters and then Cassie being told that she can't know what's going on. I have a hunch that this could probably be bundled into either episode 1 or maybe episode 3, depending on what happens? There's a lot of fun beats here (Mona teaching Jo poker, sharing granola, looking at that weird map), but overall it sort of feels like this is mostly buildup for the next chapter. Looking forward to watching them steal shit seeing what they do, though!

Hm... I suppose you're not wrong that I could've consolidated this into one of the chapters bordering it. I just didn't want either of them to drag for too long, although "too long" is a subjective quality.

This metaphor sorta didn't land for me, since you're relating "asking" (or yelling, idk) and "pounding" (slash loudly knocking)--they seem sorta disjoint here. I get why you want the joke here though.

Yeah, I guess that bit sounded better in my head.

On first read this was a bit hard to catch that she switches who she's addressing here. Maybe like, add that Mona's calling over her shoulder to someone Cassie can't see, or something.

I can probably fix that.

I think you dropped italics here

Oop, thanks for pointing that out. Sometimes things like this slip through the cracks when I'm reformatting for the forums.

I think that's more or less what I want to cover. I'm not sure whether I want to apply some of the non-grammatical fixes suggested for these chapters, because on one hand I'd like to iron out the issues I've overlooked, but on the other hand, I don't wanna George Lucas it and keep editing them over and over. It'd probably be okay to do it now, since these are the only chapters I've released and I'm still editing/rewriting the third one, but at some point I think I should just let them be. For now... yeah, I'll probably punch these up a bit once chapter 3's actually finished. In any case, thanks again for the feedback!

 

[DeliriousAbsol]

I thought I'd check this story out, as it seemed an interesting one to take a look at. I don't think I see many fanfics with a meowstic as a main protagonist, and it's one of my fave pokemon.

So far, the characters are interesting - I especially like the pancham, Jo! - and there's enough intrigue behind Mona for me to wonder whether or not the main character has found herself amid a gang of villains...

I personally found the two goons who attacked them being familiar with Mona helped establish her as a bit of a shady character, however the two goons might not stick as memorable unfortunately. Although I did think the fight was a bit clunky (writing fight scenes is NOT easy, I've struggled with getting them to flow well myself!) it certainly set off the first chapter with a sense of danger and 'good grief, what has our protag got herself into?'

I'm not sure what I think of Cassie yet. Her internal monologue is snappy and amusing, but she's taking everything very well! I suppose when you're randomly transformed, you take all the help you can get? Time will tell!

A Meowstic girl stood not too far from me, holding a giant leaf over her like an umbrella as her tails swished steadily behind her.

I found this very cute. Big leaf umbrellas!

I felt the scenes were painted well, and the characters all seem pretty solid. I can't help but picture Willow talking with the same deep voice as Finnick from Zootopia.

All in all, this is a good solid start. I second a couple of things I spotted in the reviews, such as Cassie taking her transformation a bit too well! I feel she might at least have believed she was dreaming? But it didn't put me off reading at all.

Keep up the good work! =D I'll try to pop in and review the next chapter once it's up!

 

[Adamhuarts]

Decided to finish what I started and leave a review on the second chapter of this story. I will say that I enjoyed reading this chapter better than the first one since this mostly just consisted of character interactions and a bit of world building, which I'm always in for.

Before getting into the positives, I'd say you probably shouldn't be Including Cassie's inner thoughts separately in italics but just make them part of the narration itself. Putting thoughts in italics is jarring in third pov, but it's even moreso unnecessary in first pov since everything that's happening is being narrated by Willow herself. We're already in her mind, feels weird being in the mind of her mind also, don't you think?

I also feel like Cassie's small outburst in the latter half when the others were talking felt a bit abrupt. You know her more than I do, but I didn't feel like the others were ignoring her so much that it'd push several buttons. Though this is pretty subjective on my part.

That aside, I liked both Willow and Jo, especially the latter. I'd say Cassie and Jo currently have the strongest characterizations because you've already gone ahead and given us Jo's personal motivation to make it big with the other crew members in Modalstroke. I look forward to seeing all the characters get fleshed out in general.

All in all, I still think this story has a lot of potential. The characters already have a goal very early on and I do wonder where that will take them.