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There were a few points in here where I felt my suspension of disbelief a bit stretched. The biggest one was the encounter with the mayor. I'm wondering if this is a game logic residue thing, but the idea that you just walk into a mayor's personal home and have tea is odd, to say the least. Even in a corrupt and incompetent city, mayors have better things to do--meetings that accomplish nothing to attend, meals to be bribed at, etc. There are ways I could see that conversation happening--for example, the mayor would probably be interested in doing a photo-op with the rescued kidnapping victim, but that would require a bit more effort and tactics on Wes and Rui's part. Their interaction with the mayor felt very perfunctory--it would maybe make more sense to me for it not to be the mayor they spoke with, but some other, lower-level official? More on this in the line-by-lines, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around what enforcement system the city has. No police is odd--ineffective or corrupt police still equal police.
Hmmm, this is a very astute observation, and since most of my readers have played Colosseum before, nobody has really brought this up! Because this is basically how it goes down in the game, lol - in fact, the mayor doesn't even have a doorman acting as his security. But that's Pokemon games for you!
I could talk about some specific reasons as to why the mayor doesn't have a more secure policy in place, but...spoilers. :D Though in the future I may come back and have Wes at least inwardly remark on how oddly lax his security measures are. Overall, though, Phenac likes to portray itself as a "pure" city that is free of crime, especially to its tourists, the mayor having an open-door policy does play into that a bit.
The other place I didn't quite buy the plot was at the end. Why does Wes suddenly need to come up with a plan to get Rui to come with him without raising her suspicions? He literally told her he'd leave her after they ate. Seems like all he had to do was say, "It's been real" and vanish into an alleyway.
This is yet another great observation - and, to be honest, I worried I wasn't making it believable enough when I first wrote it. I just edited the chapter and added a few clarifying sentences, so if you have time, I'd love to see your thoughts on the little changes I made to this scene!
!!! Wait, so pokemon are super rare in this region? Oh, that really shifts things around. We've seen plenty of trainers around, and no one seemed to make a big deal of Wes having pokemon, so I didn't expect that. What does it mean to own pokemon in a region where they are all but extinct? I imagine they'd end up being reserved for the people with the most money and power, a sign of status. Do pokemon thieves basically function as a means of redistribution there, taking pokemon from people who got lucky enough to find one and selling them off? What about importation from other regions? Is Orre just so poor it can't even afford that? Desert regions often have oil stores, though in the world of pokemon, that may mean less geopolitically than it means in our world.
I don't think I've ever read about a region where pokemon are a scarce commodity! Looking forward to seeing what you do with that.
Yep, in Colosseum, there are no wild Pokemon! I've added some of my own lore as to why there are no Pokemon, which you'll come across if you keep reading. Due to the shortage, anyone having even a couple Pokemon means they're either an elite, got their Pokemon from a shady source, or they're a thief - or a combination of those things. Fun times in Orre.
Thanks for all your feedback! I have gone through and edited most of the typos and such you pointed out (just remembered I haven't replaced all "the Eons" phrases, but I'll get to that). You certainly don't have to reread everything, but if you happen to notice the changes I've made, feel free to tell me what you think!
we met rui in the last chapter, but this one felt devoted to really giving us a feel to her character. i was really surprised to learn she was 21—you did a great job making her feel younger! wes cites the ponytails but for me it was, well... basically everything else, haha. i have a feeling she's going to stick around for the rest of the fic, and i'll be curious to see what her story is. what happened to her family? why does she hate snagem so much? i doubt wes can hide his secret from her forever—what will she do when she finds out?
i know this fic is a novelization of colosseum, and a lot of the fic so far has felt like sort of transient, set-up stuff, so i was wondering just what the main plot would look like, and i feel like i can see it kind of coalescing in this chapter. wes is ex-snagem, and a wanted man. under normal circumstances he'd be on a plane to johto, but after running into rui, it doesn't look like it's going to work out quite so smoothly... i imagine his conflicts with a vengeful team snagem will continue to serve as the backbone of this story. rui seems to really, really hate snagem—maybe that'll generate some personal drama between herself and wes, too.
not a whole lot of action in this one, but the chapter did hold my attention altogether, and put in a lot of quality setup. i'm excited to see the drama unfold! :D also i apologize if the line comments in this review run a little long, i'm sort of just documenting my reactions to everything as i go here. :p will try to keep my next review a bit more trimmed down.
Sunlight streamed down on the whitewashed streets and sparkling fountains, and there was no respite from the blinding brightness as Wes and his Pokémon walked with Rui to the mayor's home.
oh, i love this description. too much white can be a lot, doubly so in a region where the sun is overpowering. kind of reminds me of downtown dc in the summer.
"Forty Poké? That's entirely too much, I won't go above thirty!"
"..Wow," Rui breathed in amazement. She quietly soaked in the scene for a moment as they walked, and Wes breathed a sigh of gratitude for the reprieve. It didn't last long, however, because soon she was tugging on Wes' sleeve. "Hey, do you think they'll have Pokeballs here?"
"So, let me get this straight. You're not a trainer. Yet you left your hometown and wandered to Pyrite Town, of all places, to look for Pokeballs...in a region that doesn't have wild Pokemon."
mm, i'm not really sure about "Eons" tbh. i feel like in most cases just calling them "his pokémon" would work—he doesn't have any others that we know of.
The cool air inside was a welcome relief from the relentless desert heat. A sparkling crystal chandelier greeted them from overhead, sending multicolored glints of light off the pristine marble walls. A massive flatscreen TV was mounted above a fireplace to their left, and to their right was a handful of plush couches. Straight ahead was a sleek wooden desk, at which sat the mayor of Phenac.
i love this comparison though, lmfao. his demeanor seems like essentially what i'd expect of a guy with an open-door policy who sets up his desk right in front of the entrance, i suppose.
Es-Cade's eyebrows shot up an inch or two, and Wes didn't even bother to mask his disbelief as he stared at her. Auras? That did it. Not only had he happened to rescue the most clueless girl in all of Orre, she was also certifiably insane.
"I see, I see," Es-Cade backed down slightly upon seeing her frustration. "That is very concerning, Miss Everlin. I can assure you that I will assign some of my staff to look into the matter - although, if this Pokémon is in Pyrite, there's only so much I can do."
hm, yeah... it does seem kind of weird that she's reporting this to the mayor and not, like, the police, or at least the mayor of pyrite? this doesn't seem like a matter of public policy. maybe this is just a game plot point though.
Wes decided it wasn't worth pointing out that she could have deduced this from Neo and Novo's evolutions - Espeon and Umbreon only got their evolutions from bonding with their trainer, after all.
He exuded an air of cold, crisp, precise cruelty as he walked. Wes had seen his share of men drunk with power who thought they had it all - but this man knew he was in charge and was keenly aware of his own authority. The stranger passed them on the sidewalk, but not before turning his head to glance at them. Wes met the man's eyes for just a second and felt a chill trickle down his spine.
The Phenac Pokemon Center was an impressive sight, even to Wes. He had only been here a handful of times, and he was always just as amazed each time as he was upon his first visit. His negative impression of Phenac and it's population aside, he had to admit: they knew how to treat their Pokémon.
"Espi!" Neo pawed at Wes' knee and pointed his snout over to the play area, where an Aipom had its face pressed against the glass, wiggling its tail playfully at the Espeon.
Rui surprised him by throwing him a withering look. "Yes, I'm hearing about it just now," she said scathingly. "It's not like I've spent the last twenty-four hours in a sack or anything!"
She turned her eyes to his, and he was shocked at the amount of pure hatred he saw there. "Yes," she said quietly. "I hate Pokémon thieves. Snagem had this coming, and they deserve a whole lot worse."
either this line of dialogue should end in a comma, or "she" should be capitalized. i'd suggest the latter myself but either one technically works i think.
"I've got a place in mind," he said. And with that, they strode through the Center doors back into the sunlight.
Wes couldn't help but feel mildly impressed at the speed with which Rui was devouring her burger. It made him wonder just how hungry she must have been this whole time.
did it seem tempting, or was it? there are a few cases in this chapter where you suggest possibility for something where just stating it definitively would work better imo (such as "he had a feeling he would never want to tangle with that man" from earlier).
Rui looked at his monstrosity of a vehicle with wide eyes. "Okay, when you said 'bike', I had a very different image in my head," she said as she took in the massive engine and rusty exterior.
hmmm. i still don't have a very good visual of what this thing looks like. you suggest a few times that it's not actually a bike, but it seems functionally identical and just gets called a bike most of the time anyway, so i'm kind of just imagining it as a bike haha.
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4. questions
i liked getting into rui's head this chapter, and this was also a really nice chapter for getting to see a little bit more of wes's soft side. getting some thoughts from novo's and neo's perspectives was fun, too, and gave us cute insights that wouldn't have been possible through wes or rui. however i did find the perspective shifts a little jarring as they're sort of cut to without warning—i'd recommend breaking them up with *** or something similar to signal the shift in scene/perspective. in general though this chapter felt sort of like a series of vignettes on each character's feelings on the current situation. sort of nice to get a bit of a recoup/breather—the laid back nature of it makes me feel like big things are coming next chapter, but i guess we'll see!
also, just wanted to say that this chapter felt really polished to me! the last couple chapters have been fun but this one in particular was an especially smooth read and i enjoyed it a lot. i think i liked rui's perspective the most—definitely hoping we get more pov scenes/chapters from her and that this chapter wasn't just a one-off.
anyway i'm having a lot of fun with this fic so far! looking forward to coming back for the next couple chapters soon, keep up your hard work. 😁
Rui rested her head back on her pillow. It seemed the more time she spent with this unusual trio, the more questions she had. She was pondering these many questions when she finally drifted back to sleep.
Wes could not believe that, a full day later, he was right back where he had started.
"Oh?" She cocked her head at him, a smile dancing across her face. "You don't give out your number to strangers, but you'll rescue them from kidnappers, escort them around the city, and give them food and a place to stay for the night?"
Wes shrugged. "Thought I might take on the Colosseum challenge there."
"Ohhhh!" Rui suddenly leaned forward in excitement, putting her face far too close to Wes' for his comfort. "That's so cool! Agate doesn't have a Colosseum, so I've never seen Colosseum matches before!"
Rui laughed again. "Come on. You and I both know Pokémon aren't easy to come by. They haven't been since the Kantonian War." The smile faded from her face a little.
Neo devoured the meat with gusto. He could feel his brother's stare of disbelief on the back of his head and could practically hear him asking where his dignity went. Neo chose to ignore this, and instead licked the last remnants of bacon from his muzzle and settled down smugly at Wes' feet when he returned. Score one for the Espeon.
Not only was he being forced back into his Pokeball for the second time today, he was being booted out of the sidecar? His spot? The spot where he loved to watch the scenery fly by and feel the wind in his fur? All for this -this girl? This girl, of all people?
The feeling of betrayal was palpable. He made certain his trainer knew this by cramming every fiber of his wounded pride into a piercing glare before he was sucked into his Pokeball.
Oh boy, I just edited chapter 4 last night, and I keep forgetting that the line breaks between scenes don't transfer over when I copy/paste. Ughhh. So sorry about that, it probably made it rough to read. I assure you there were supposed to be line breaks in both chapters! I'll go ahead and fix that.
Similarly, I've been fixing my capitalization of "Trainer", but have missed a few, as well as putting accents over the e's in "Pokémon". A lot of this is a case of "construction zone, pardon the dust", lol. Glad to have you pointing these out, though, so I can go in and fix them!
Thanks again for the review! I'm loving all of your feedback so much and it's been hugely helpful!
I just edited the chapter and added a few clarifying sentences, so if you have time, I'd love to see your thoughts on the little changes I made to this scene!
I took a skim--he's worried she'll make some kind of scene if he suddenly ups and leaves? Maybe a callback to restaurant scene would help with that--Wes shuddering at the thought of how loud she was when they were eating, imagining her loudly shouting his name as she says goodbye to him.
Due to the shortage, anyone having even a couple Pokemon means they're either an elite, got their Pokemon from a shady source, or they're a thief - or a combination of those things.
What is an elite? Is this a class distinction, or just a matter of money?
I'm curious with this context about Wes' evaluation of Willie as naive. It doesn't strike me as likely that 'elites' eat at converted-railcar diners, so wouldn't that mean Willie must have already done some shady shit to get his pokemon, and thus is probably not naive?
Chapters 4 and 5 -- the plot begins to thicken.
Chapter 4 was a lot of fun. Even though we're retreading over the same location as before, it was really telling to get it all again through Rui's eyes--a nice shorthand to contrast her with Wes by what they notice. I was not expecting Neo and Novo POVs, so that was a treat! Novo is my new favorite character--I love this prickly, suspicious boi. The tension between him and Rui feels real, and I hope you stick with it. It's pretty clear Wes and Rui will end up teaming up, and considering that it's been just Wes and the brothers eevee for so long, it would feel odd if her integration was seamless. I think kint described the Neo and Novo dynamic to me as dog and cat, and that is so true, lol. Probably the reason I like Novo so much--cat-person for days. It was a little jarring to have four POV shifts in the chapter, especially since each is so short, but I was glad to have those insights.
Chapter 5 introduces the Plot. I was kind of confused by why the kidnappers would go ransack the mayor's house in order to find Rui? Like, guys, I don't think he's hiding her under his desk? I'm worried I'm just fighting with the game plot here, but that confrontation just felt very forced--like no one had any reason to be there. I enjoyed flashy phone-call afro guy a lot--looking forward to getting more of him.
The fight itself flowed well. I liked Wes' shift from 'ugh, these weaklings again' to 'wait what!!' And his being forced to use his Snag device made a fitting climax. The spiderman meming between Wes and the kidnappers was especially funny to me. 'Y-you did an illegal thing?!' cries the kidnapper with the clearly entirely legal experimental pokemon.
I wasn't completely sold on Rui's reaction to Wes' snagging. I definitely get that she's very anti pokemon thieves, but in the immediate moment, it feels odd that her first reaction wouldn't be relief, with a more gradual realization of the implications of what Wes just did. I feel like he'd at least be able to hustle her out of the house first. I definitely found Rui in general grating towards the end of this chapter, though at least she deflated a bit when she realized that Wes got injured helping her out. I'm surprised Wes isn't more nervous about going to the hospital. He knows the snagem people are in town looking for him, and he's going to be a sitting duck getting an injury tended right after a showy battle in the mayor's house.
Rui wasn't entirely sure this wasn't all just some sort of fever dream.
In the span of just over a day, she'd seen a crazed Pokémon, been kidnapped, had nearly suffocated in a sack, was rescued by someone who acted for all the world as though he'd rather have left her there, and was now flying across the desert in a crazy death trap of metal with said stranger.
Ah, so she can see human auras too? That's interesting--I wonder if they fluctuate based on people's intentions? Like, did she have some forwarding that the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb meant to kidnap her? I'm curious what aura read she got from the afro dude at the end.
'Wes would probably scoff at her' felt a bit familiar to me, considering how short a time they've known each other? He could be superstititious right? (in the world of pokemon, isn't fearing creepy ruins just common sense?)
Most of the places she'd seen had tried to flourish despite the lifeless desert, as if trying to fight against their surroundings and prove to be something more. This place embraced the empty sands, the lawlessness of the desert, and made it a home - a creaky, grimy, dilapidated one, but a home, nonetheless.
Mm, I really liked this framing. Phenac City definitely gives the former impression, with its spotless white walls in a world of sandstorms. This makes the diner feel almost cozy, and somehow more safe than the city.
Wes turned to look at her, his surprised expression melting into a smooth, unfazed one. "Well, yeah. This is the only place I've known in Orre to ever sell them, so he doesn't always have them in stock."
So are pokeballs considered valueless in Orre because of the lack of pokemon? But since Snagem uses them, it seems like there would be a pretty lucrative underground market?
This is exactly how you die in horror movies, Rui.
Still, Wes hadn't given any indication that he planned to hurt her in any way, and she felt a little better upon seeing his Pokémon dart down the creaky steps as if they'd been here before.
She couldn't help but notice that the golden rays of the setting sun matched his eyes. Rui balked at this sudden thought. What is wrong with you? she asked herself sternly.
her overwhelming curiosity made her want to ask about them, but she'd gotten the distinct impression that the man hated questions, so instead she held them back.
It reads weirdly to me to attribute her wanting to ask to her "overwhelming curiosity," as if that's outside herself. Something like, "She wanted to ask about them, but she'd gotten the distinct impression that the man hated questions, so she bit her curiosity back."
"It's for Novo," he answered simply. "He likes to watch at night."
As if on cue, the Umbreon hopped up onto the crate and peeked at the steadily darkening world through the grimy window. He turned to his Trainer and bunted him happily with his head.
Wes shrugged. "Thought I might take on the Colosseum challenge there."
"Ohhhh!" Rui suddenly leaned forward in excitement, putting her face far too close to Wes' for his comfort. "That's so cool! Agate doesn't have a Colosseum, so I've never seen Colosseum matches before!"
Colosseum challenge? Guessing that's this region's equivalent of a pokemon league? Very curious how that's surviving in a word with pokemon scarcity. Do trainers from other regions parachute in because it's easy pickings?
👀 I wonder why Orre and Kanto went to war and how that impacted the pokemon! Is it just that a lot of them died fighting in the war? or . . . wars in pokeworld are probably intense. Did the war warp the terrain and that's why Orre is such a desolate wasteland? Sort of like post-nuclear war?
Her bright spirit added a new dynamic to the trio that Neo had not seen before, and it was fun. Novo was always serious and alert, and Wes always made an effort to remain composed and impassive. Neo loved them both, but Mew above, being the only energetic one of the group sometimes got downright boring.
Not only was he being forced back into his Pokeball for the second time today, he was being booted out of the sidecar? His spot? The spot where he loved to watch the scenery fly by and feel the wind in his fur? All for this -this girl? This girl, of all people?
The feeling of betrayal was palpable. He made certain his trainer knew this by cramming every fiber of his wounded pride into a piercing glare before he was sucked into his Pokeball.
Especially not since he still had the Snag Machine...he spared a glance at the metal sleeve.
“Wes! Rui!”
Someone was shouting their names. Wes cursed quietly under his breath; having someone shouting his name in a busy city was not an idea he was fond of. He looked for the source, but Rui spotted them first - Dash and Marla, running towards them from across the street.
I was really thrown here. Did we get their names? The way this is written makes it sound like Rui is the on recognizing them--as if we've shifted into her POV rather than Wes' (who I can't imagine would have bothered to note the names.)
The man gave a start and giggled. “Whoops-a-daisy! Pardon me, boys and girls!” He pulled his P*DA out of his pocket and answered. “Hellooooo?”
There was an incredibly awkward silence as he listened to the other side of the phone call. Nobody else in the room dared to speak. Folly was seething with anger near the opposite doorway, and Trudly was growling at Wes, clearly itching for a battle. Neo and Novo stood planted firm, growling at the men and now Trudly’s Pokémon. The Spinarak and Duskull were shifting in front of them, eyeing their opponents warily.
This was a great combo of hilarious and tense. I do wonder why Wes wouldn't just go for an attack here, while they're distracted? He's clearly not from a culture of fighting fair.
But I do trust you’ll have the girl with you the next time we meet.” His last sentence, though still drawled in his light, lilting voice, suddenly contained a cold and dangerous edge to it.
I have a soft spot for villains who act all nonthreatening but are the scariest thing around. He must not be the best manager if he's trusting things to the same people who failed last time. I guess he knows they have the on-steroids makuhita.
Wes didn’t have time for this. He grabbed Rui by the arm and made for the door. “I’ll explain later. But for now we need to get out of-”
“I’m not going ANYWHERE with you!” Rui’s voice was shrill as she wrenched her arm away from him. “Not until you explain to me what just happened! Right now!”
Wes clenched his jaw and took a long look at the girl. If he told her the truth, would she understand? Would she allow him to continue on his way without turning him in? Or would she give him away to the authorities in a fit of rage?
He thought of her face in the Pokémon Center when she spoke of Team Snagem, and he knew the answer.
He heaved a long, weary sigh. “Okay. Okay. I’ll explain. But can we please go somewhere else? I don’t want to be here when authorities get here. It won’t look good for either of us.”
Rui seemed to accept this answer, as she tersely nodded her head after a moment’s pause. “Fine.”
It felt a little uncharacteristic of Wes to indulge Rui's histrionics here? I was expecting more of a, 'we have to get out of here and if you're going to flip out, then I have to get out of here.'
Rui scanned his face as if looking for any traces of falsehood. “So...you were never part of Team Snagem yourself?”
“No,” Wes said firmly. “Never.”
“You’ve never stolen a Pokemon?”
“Today was the first.”
She sat still for a long time, staring hard at him, fists still clenched. Wes tried to calm the pounding in his chest as he met her gaze evenly. Please let her believe me. Please.
“Okay.” Her voice was quiet. “I believe you.”
Wes allowed himself to breathe a tiny sigh of relief. Thank. Arceus.
Orre’s pitiful excuse for a police force was precisely why crime was so high. Few criminals were successfully caught, and even fewer were ever punished.
I kind of wanted this to be a little more detailed and from personal experience since--Wes is one of those criminals. Pretty much his whole social circle was, right? So is it that the police have weak pokemon, don't try hard, are easily bribed? Or that they know that Snagem can take their pokemon so they purposefully never confront them.
I'm here to write a review on chapters 1-3 for the exchange! I don't actually know all that much about the Orre games' plot, so this will be an interesting experience.
I really love the bit at the beginning of chapter 1 before Wes is even introduced! The section where Neo is just yipping at the burning remains of the base was pretty funny, though I'm a bit glad that it didn't go on for too long. It was a nice showcase that Wes' two Eeveelution buddies are very different in personality, though! I really like these two already.
You also did an excellent job of making Wes' former boss very, VERY INTIMIDATING. Seriously, I felt scared when he spoke about how he'd kill Wes. The description of him running for the group also helped reinforce his intimidating presence.
And then Wes retorts back with a correction, and then an explosion. I already like him.
Despite everything that just happened, Neo is upset over Wes picking him up. That was a nice little respite of humor after the action-packed scene that just happened.
Something tells me that despite being called a "one-time deal", Wes giving Neo and Novo bacon after upsetting one of them is going to be a recurring thing, and I'm all for it. These two are adorable.
That nightmare scene is really interesting! It sets up a lot of questions, and gives a lot of intrigue. Who's this Pokemon that died? Why is it the fault of the person the child (who I presume is a younger Wes) is yelling at? Who are the people behind the menacing voice and the kind voice? Are they the same person at different times of their life, or different people? What do they want the child to "do good" at? These are all questions I find myself asking at this, and it pushes me to continue reading to find out the answers. Excellent job.
I love how Novo comforts Wes after the nightmare. It really shows the bond between him and his Pokemon.
I can definitely see why Wes wants to leave the region. It doesn't seem like a nice place, and you showed that well.
Overall, a great start to the story, and an excellent hook!
Now for chapter 2!
YEP! I was right. More bacon for the duo!
"I said no, guys." He donned a teal trench coat that fell past his knees and began to pack up his belongings, pausing only to give them a stern look. "Last night was a special treat, but today we have to get on the road as quick as possible, which means nothing fancy for breakfast. And that's final."
Naturally, not ten minutes later, he found himself sitting sitting across from his Pokemon in the diner, watching them each chow down a fresh plate of bacon.
The contrast between these two paragraphs is hilarious and I love it.
The next paragraph brings a revealing reality check as to why bacon is such a delicacy for the group. Seems conditions for Team Snagem members or maybe even Orre as a whole aren't very good if Wes can't even afford food for himself.
Looks like Wes' sabotaging of the Team Snagem base has already made it to the news! Interesting how there's no casualties. Did Wes specifically detonate it in a way that wouldn't kill anyone there?
Either way, I doubt many people would care if anyone died there, judging by everyone's comments on the news. Team Snagem is definitely widely hated.
The battle with Willie was an interesting way to show the power of Wes' team, that double battles were the norm in Orre, and how easy it would be for a Snagger to steal someone's Pokemon. Nicely done!
The next scene really shows how messed-up of a region Orre is, with not just Pokemon, but even humans being kidnapped in broad daylight.
It's interesting how Neo and Novo seem to have more empathy than Wes does. Adds a lot of depth to all three of them, and adds a selfish layer to Wes.
The battle was quite good! There was a lot of fluid movement there, though I feel like the description could maybe go a bit more in-depth.
And now we have Marla, Dash, and Rui! They seem pretty interesting, though Rui is definitely the most intriguing. Not only was she kidnapped and all, she also seems to have witnessed a Shadow Makuhita. Perhaps that's why she was kidnapped, because she found out about Shadow Pokemon?
I really like how initially Wes was going to just ditch them all and continue on his way, but Novo managed to convince him to continue to help. It shows that Wes isn't all that great of a person, but he trusts his Pokemon above almost all else. I'm guessing that voice that rang out in Wes' head is from one of the people in the nightmare?
I agree with Wes. It is a bit odd that Rui is so cheery after what had just happened.
Overall, a very good followup to chapter 1, introducing several characters that seem like they will be important, and starting to set up the Shadow Pokemon plot.
Now for chapter 3!
I really like the conversation between Wes and Rui! I like how Rui is (seemingly) honest, and Wes keeps telling half-truths.
Some interesting lore tidbits! There used to be no wild Pokemon in Orre, but now they might be coming back! I bet that'll be important later.
The description of the mayor's house is very good! I can really get a feel for the fanciness of it.
Mayor Es-Cade is pretty interesting! She gives off grandmotherly feels, yet is also rather imposing.
I am very intrigued about Rui's powers! Being able to see auras is an interesting ability, and I suppose that explains why she noticed the Shadow Makuhita.
And Wes had apparently seen Pokemon kill each other before. I wonder if that's how the Pokemon in the nightmare died?
He doesn't seem to entirely believe Rui, either. I'm guessing that'll have some consequences down the line.
I am VERY intrigued about this red-eyed man. Even without any dialogue, he manages to come off as extremely intimidating. I wonder if he has anything to do with the Shadow Pokemon?
I really like the description of the Pokemon Center! You did a great job at showing all the major features there.
To the left was an enclosed, glass-walled play area for Pokemon. Wes knew from previous visits that the play area extended through a door in the wall to a larger, fenced in outdoor area. He’d never used it himself, though - the thought of leaving his Pokemon in someone else’s hands was mortifying to him.
Interesting how averse Wes is to seperating with his Pokemon. I can get not wanting to be away from them for very long, but this paragraph makes me feel like it's something more than just wanting to stay by them, especially with the use of "mortifying". It seems like he doesn't trust anyone but himself to look after his Pokemon at all. Perhaps this has something to do with the nightmare, particularly with the dead Pokemon and the child yelling about it being someone's fault?
So looks like they're going to Johto! An excellent choice! Seems like Wes has been wanting to go there for a long time.
And looks like Rui REALLY doesn't like Team Snagem. Understandable, but I'm really intrigued to see what'll happen once she finds out that Wes is a former member.
Even without his Pokemon nudging him to help anymore, Wes is still helping Rui. Very interesting.
Oh boy. Looks like Team Snagem's on Wes' trail. Some of the top members apparently, too! These two both seem very intimidating. I look forward to the inevitable confrotnation.
And Wes and Rui ride off out of the city! A very satisfying ending to the chapter.
Overall, an excellent chapter that drops some info and raises the stakes!
I really enjoyed reading this! I'll try to read and review the rest sometime!
Poor, POOR Wes. Nothing is going right for him here is it? Let's break it down piece by piece:
First his Pokemon distract him by being HUNGRY for BACON - though Neo and Novo are precious and deserve all the bacon in the world.
THEN some random smiley hick asks him for a battle, with his two fucking Zigzagoons, and at least has the decenccy to get wrecked like the scrub he is.
And THEN Wes stumbles upon a kidnapping plot, is almost "fuck this shit I'm out", but then Neo tries to get him to do the Right Thing and in the end the kidnapping victim imprints on him like a baby Ducklett
TLDR being Wes is suffering
I do love the narration of his ructions to all this, it gets across very well just how Done he is and how he just wants to get out of here and all that.
Looping back to Neo and Novo their reactions to everything are well-described and fun and just. So. Cute. I want to pet them and feed them bacon and other treats and hug them and kiss them and forfeit all my mortal possessions to - wait
And this chapter is the first appearance of Rui! I love her. I kinda missed her. You do a good job of getting her perky personality across so far and I am looking forward to seeing more of her! NOW WHEN WILL SHE AND WESS KI-
THEN some random smiley hick asks him for a battle, with his two fucking Zigzagoons, and at least has the decenccy to get wrecked like the scrub he is.
And THEN Wes stumbles upon a kidnapping plot, is almost "fuck this shit I'm out", but then Neo tries to get him to do the Right Thing and in the end the kidnapping victim imprints on him like a baby Ducklett
Looping back to Neo and Novo their reactions to everything are well-described and fun and just. So. Cute. I want to pet them and feed them bacon and other treats and hug them and kiss them and forfeit all my mortal possessions to - wait
Wow, hello again!! It’s a pleasant surprise to see you back again so soon! :D
First off, to answer your question more fully about how people have Pokémon in a region that doesn’t have any, there are a handful of ways someone in Orre can end up with one:
*Not originally from Orre, so they bring their Pokémon with them
*Having one imported in or buying one for a hefty price off the black market (hence why having Pokémon is a symbol of wealth and/or shadiness)
*receiving one as a gift or inheriting one from a family member from outside the region
*and, of course, stealing them
Each city in Orre displays one of these more than the others; for example, most of the trainers in Phenac are trainers because of their wealth and connections. In Pyrite and Agate, it’s a different story for both.
I plan to hint at this throughout the story, but so far haven’t been able to find a good spot to mention it without it feeling out of the blue or like contrived exposition. If you have any suggestions for where I can plug these tidbits in, please let me know!
I was not expecting Neo and Novo POVs, so that was a treat! Novo is my new favorite character--I love this prickly, suspicious boi. The tension between him and Rui feels real, and I hope you stick with it.
Ah I love hearing different reactions and responses to Neo and Novo, and why one or the other is the reader’s favorite! I’m also so happy to hear that Novo is your favorite; I was worried that he would be ignored by readers in favor of Neo’s more boisterous personality, so it’s good to see that isn’t the case here.
I was kind of confused by why the kidnappers would go ransack the mayor's house in order to find Rui? Like, guys, I don't think he's hiding her under his desk? I'm worried I'm just fighting with the game plot here, but that confrontation just felt very forced--like no one had any reason to be there. I enjoyed flashy phone-call afro guy a lot--looking forward to getting more of him.
Hmm I meant to imply that they were targeting the mayor for his knowledge of Rui and what she told him about the Makuhita, but I probably could have been clearer on that. This is the way things play out in the game, and I can’t really say much more without revealing spoilers.
I wonder why Orre and Kanto went to war and how that impacted the pokemon! Is it just that a lot of them died fighting in the war? or . . . wars in pokeworld are probably intense. Did the war warp the terrain and that's why Orre is such a desolate wasteland? Sort of like post-nuclear war?
Pretty much his whole social circle was, right? So is it that the police have weak pokemon, don't try hard, are easily bribed? Or that they know that Snagem can take their pokemon so they purposefully never confront them.
I am! on chapter 10. slowly making my way downtown
Marci/Secc; real cute beans! I agree with Wes' assessment that Marci is just smol Rui haha. I always wonder how much the kids actually pick up on? In the game iirc they know pretty much all that Duking is doing and he just doesn't realize that kids are smart too; will the same be the case here? Marci acts pretty innocent.
I like the POV switch the shadow pokemon here--wasn't expecting it, but seeing it in action, I'm really glad it's here. This is a story about them, after all; it makes sense that it'd be told by them as well. I wasn't sure if Croconaw's experience with battling is just how battles are in Orre, or is specifically a Cipher thing--is it common for pokemon to want to attack and maim and make others bleed, or is that specific to shadow pokemon? It's really fun to see pokemon training lore in the wild; from the few examples that we've seen, it seems like battles regularly get bloody? Orre strikes me as a region where it's less about battling for sport and more for battling for survival--which both makes it more logical and also more horrifying to see that pokemon are kind of tools here. Rui strikes me as being raised away from all of this (especially with her surprise Alolan knowledge this chapter), so it's fun to see an outsider perspective come along and be like "Wes bruh you gotta feed them").
Konha/Quilava is a sad bean and I feel bad for her. I think it's interesting that she doesn't remember much here, compared to Croconaw's much more vivid recollections of her trainer, how she was treated previously, who she hates, how she thinks about humans. Is the amnesia permanent or is it a side effect? I'm curious what she thinks of all this once she's in a less hazy state. The three shadow pokemon that we get to see here in detail--Maku, Konha, and Nani--make for a really vivid spectrum of pokemon who end up getting stuck in this, and I like how we get some different perspectives here for how pokemon might see this situation and react differently to it.
(side note: if you want fic about a very stubborn croconaw who thinks that beating up people will give you everything you want, but slowly opens up and befriends the people around her, I think you'd love Survival Project by DiamondPearl876--she isn't on the forums but it's a great read + her totodile would be good tsudnere friends with Nani, I think! She shows up in chapter 2.)
I'm starting to see why this is tagged romance, haha. This setup starts to remind me of those high school things that I only exclusively see on 2000's TV shows where kids have to raise a flour baby or something--I think this is a really clever application of a common goal for Wes and Rui though. Wes hates humans but can't hate pokemon; Rui likes everyone; together, they fight crime. It makes sense that he'd feel bad for someone else who is abandoned and abused, and I like how we get to see a softer side of him in this light. Harry is the best name and I stand by it.
some quick line edits; mostly just emoji reacts this morning lol
I wasn't expecting Duking to introduce Wes to his kids at all! He seemed really concerned about them meeting Wes. At first I thought maybe he was just trying to play it up so the kids don't notice, but they seem to be aware that their father is up to some stuff. It's definitely a cute scene so I see why you'd want to include it--but maybe Duking isn't enabling it here? He gets caught up outside or something and the kids don't know what's up so they come to check things out?
"Because Trainers dress different!" Marci continued, apparently not expecting a response to her previous statement. "They wear cool shirts and shorts and they have cool bags for all their stuff - oh, and they wear hats, too!"
"It's okay, Novo," he said. "They're..." What? Safe? Not a threat? (Though a threat to his pride, maybe.) They certainly weren't close enough to be called friends, not when they'd just met.
This felt a bit too prescient for Secc in context I think--it gave me the feeling that he is fully aware of the sad truth that the older people in the room are dancing around re: Pyrite kids (although maybe he is? but he stays pretty quiet for the rest of the convo)
"That's a nice offer, Miss Everlin, thank you," Duking said as he gave Rui an appreciative look. "But for now, Mar will have to manage on her own. We need to get you both settled in."
"Stuffy" was certainly not the appropriate description here; the cave was impressively sized, large enough to fit a table in the center of the floor and several mismatched chairs around it, a handful of bookshelves lining the walls, and, next to a door on the back wall, a waterfall that trickled down the stone into a tidy pool on the floor. The pool must have had an outlet to drain somewhere, as it didn't spread or flood across the floor.
Is this a game thing? I can't quite recall. The level of rich flex that comes with having a waterfall inside your second secret house while the rest of your town is impoverished to the point that they don't even have a primary school is pretty high tho.
Wes was about to scoff at her and tell her how stupid that sounded, that they were not actually spies, when he caught sight of the unbridled joy on her face. Arceus above, he'd never seen such a pure expression before.
"You know," Rui's voice sounded from her room across the narrow hallway, "we ought to let those Pokémon out of their balls and get to know them a bit."
He didn't seem all that different, Wes thought. His insane rage in battle aside, Makuhita was behaving like an ordinary, mild-mannered Pokémon. As he watched the fighter finish his treat, Wes thought he looked...almost normal.
Then Makuhita looked up at him again with those eyes and that blank, lifeless stare.
Rui's eyes lit up with an idea. "Tell you what." She clasped her hands behind her back. "If I can make you laugh by the end of this mission, you buy me a Pokepop."
Well, great. Now Wes felt sorry for him. Neo and Novo's begging tactics were one thing; he'd caved in to them from time to time, and they'd lived their lives knowing and trusting in his affection. But this poor Pokémon...he acted for all the world like Rui was the first human to ever show him kindness.
I'm curious how Wes knows what this looks like? I get the feeling that he has a pretty bipolar spectrum--either pokemon who love their trainers or pokemon who don't. I wasn't entirely sure how this differs (to Wes) from what he's seen from Neo/Novo. I think it's possible, but it's not in there yet! What reaction from Maku does he see that to him indicates a lack of trust?
"You're welcome. I think." It was a bit difficult to read Maku compared to Neo and Novo; Wes was used to relying on twitching ears and waving tails to tell him what they were feeling, and Maku's expressionless gaze didn't help things, either.
! I thought this was a cool detail. It's always really fun to see how trainers would try to understand their pokemon, and how growing up with a certain type (i.e the elemental type, a body type, a personality type) might influence what you can and can't see in them.
She didn't like that. When the white-coated humans would smile at her, with sharp and pointy things in their hands, it was a sure sign of more pain to come.
Are they, like, literally laughing and smiling as they torture her? That seems almost cartoonishly evil. Curious about the origins/what they were trying to accomplish with shadow pokemon!
The girl smiled again - Kohna's flames sputtered nervously at the sight. The blue one spoke to her. "We'd keep you out for a little longer, but we need to meet with the other Pokémon, too, so you'll have to go back in your ball for now." He grimaced a little. "Sorry."
Sorry? Sorry? Did this human just apologize to her? A Pokémon?
oh no. :(
A lot to unpack here--it's always interesting to see trainers wrestle with pokeball ethics, but I think it's even more interesting that Rui isn't a huge fan of them but still has to use them anyway. Also, oof, big sad for the pokemon who don't think they're worthy of apologies.
Some Pokémon took little pleasure in battling, but she was not one of them. She relished the opportunity to tear at her opponents, to send them sprawling in the dirt, to make them bleed, make them hurt. It was a welcome outlet for the rage that constantly simmered in her chest.
Had a bit of trouble piecing together the timeline here--presumably both she and quilava were in Cypher, but only quilava had experimentation while she had a lot more traditional battling exposure?
Also, oof, battling isn't getting a sympathetic portrayal here at all! Here for it, but rip.
I found it really sad that she thinks this given her actual situation of being constantly stolen and shunted around like property until she gets lucky enough to find someone who won't do that.
Nicknames! I like that Rui recognizes that she wasn't sold on the idea at first, but I do think it's a bit of a coincidence that she managed to get it right on the first try! Maybe she tries something softer and prettier and croconaw is like "no i am BEEG i am STRONK" and Rui can recognize that?
big 👀 for this part too! I wonder why we don't get to see Bayleef's POV here! I like how you get into the shadow pokemon POV's here, but it'd be neat to see what a rampage would look like to them, especially now that we've seen how they view other things like battling.
Her Trainer only ever let her out of her ball for two things: meals and battles. But she learned very quickly to always assume she was being unleashed for the latter
Lot of action in this one! The battle sequence flowed smoothly, which is to say, it was appropriately chaotic! One detail that really stood out to me was that Wes targets the pokemon Rui has told him are normal first. It's a good tactical move, but it's also him implicitly choosing to trust that Rui's aura sense is legit. So that seemed a telling moment in a lot of ways. One thing I'm not sure I've adequately talked about is just how enjoyable it is to have a competent protagonist in these early chapters. No fumbling around, just straight into the plot. This battle is the first time it's felt like Wes is seriously under threat, and it took a fair bit to achieve that--seems to presage things ramping up quickly. The snag device seems pretty powerful, though apparently not without some limits. I wonder if there's any way to protect against it? If Wes' enemies try to snag Neo and Novo, are their only options dodging or using protect?
So, Wes has taken four of their pokemon now--I imagine he's painted a pretty big target on his back. This can only go well . . .
This felt like a bit of a redux of her last POV chapter! Maybe open with some setting details? Wes fighting doctors while Rui gives them apologetic glances?
As a peace offering and in an effort to temper his mood, she’d taken his Pokemon to the Center, healed them, and brought them back while he waited. This seemed to ease his stress a little.
Seems a little weird to characterize this as a peace offering. I thought Rui liked Neo and Novo! Is she not independently invested in them being taken care of?
I'm curious about pokemon centers in Orre. The fact that pokeballs aren't even sold in Phenac makes me wonder why they bother maintaining an open pokemon center. If only elites have pokemon, they can probably afford to pay for their healing. What kind of place is a pokemon center? Are they dangerous--if I were a pokemon thief, that's definitely the number one place I would target! I'm surprised Wes is comfortable letting Rui go off with his injured pokemon--if she were attacked, how much would she be able to do? It seems a bit like the naivete he criticized in Willie.
She couldn’t help but notice there was a tense atmosphere in the clinic. Nurses and doctors were muttering to each other in worried, hushed tones, and clients were whispering to one another.
“All citizens are to return to their homes immediately. All visitors are to take shelter in the Pokemon Center. We ask that every individual remain indoors until further notice. There will be no exiting or entering the city at this time. We thank you for your cooperation.”
She heard Wes groan beside her. “Well. Fantastic. We chose a great day to come back here.” His voice was dripping with annoyance.
“What do you think is happening?” She turned to face him, fear creeping into her chest.
“Probably trying to chase down whoever broke into the Mayor’s house...which doesn’t put us in the best position,” Wes replied grimly.
“Why not?”
“Because we were there. If anybody saw us going in or out and reported it, we could be suspects.”
“Forget what the Mayor said. We can at least check out the entrance and see if we can sneak out somehow. It’s not like they have a police force to guard the exits.”
Rui frowned at him. “All right...but if we can’t find a reasonable way to get out, I think we should go to the Center and wait things out.”
Wes scowled. He clearly didn’t like her counteroffer, but rather than argue, he simply sighed. “Fine. Deal.”
She then got a closer look at the men standing in front of the entrance. They each wore distinctly colored uniforms and carried an air of authority in their posture.
“Are those...officers?” Rui asked uncertainly.
“The guy in front is some kind of Town Hall member,” Wes answered as he surveyed the scene, “but I don’t recognize the ones behind him...they can’t be officers, I know Phenac doesn’t have...” he trailed off with a frown.
The man in blue pulled out his P*DA and scanned the card. After a moment’s pause, he read aloud, “Wesley Lycas, twenty-two, native Orre citizen, three registered Pokemon. An Espeon, an Umbreon, and a Makuhita.”
“Novo, Dark Pulse on that Spoink! Neo - Confusion on the Grimer!” The Eons lunged into the fray at the command, and chaos ensued. Wes ripped the third Pokeball from his belt and unleashed the Makuhita.
“Dammit, we don’t have time for this -“ he stepped up to the Makuhita. “Look, I’m your Trainer now. Long story. I need you to fight for me now or we are all dead.”
The Makuhita seemed to understand this. He blinked and nodded his head slowly.
“Right, then - Vital throw!”
The Makuhita continued to stare.
Wes growled in frustration. “For the love of - you know what, I don’t care what you do, just get in there and throw down, and don’t hit the Espeon or Umbreon. Go!”
The Pokémon didn’t need to be told twice. As if a switch had been flipped, the Makuhita went from a blank, lifeless slate to a raging machine. His head snapped to the battle and he lunged into the chaos with a terrifying bellow. “Ma-KU!”
Huh, I was confused by the way the Makuhita comes out blank here when the other ones come out ready to kill. Sounds like their murderous urge isn't always there.
He slammed the Bayleef off its feet once more. The grass Pokémon let out a cry that was cut short by another brutal blow - then another, and another. The Bayleef’s cries transitioned from ones of frustration to screams of pain.
He had a Pokeball in his hand with lighting speed; Rui caught a gleam of light as the machine on his arm lit up and emitted an orange glow along its seams and edges. With a fluid motion, the Trainer lunged forward and hurled the ball at the Bayleef, and the Pokémon vanished in a beam of light.
The ominous sound rang out like a gunshot. The Quilava reappeared in a burst of white light, snarling with dark fury. The flames roaring from its neck and tail contrasted starkly with the black cloud of aura around it.
Rui wasn’t listening. The moment its Trainer gave the command, she watched in horror as the Croconaw rose unsteadily to its feet. It’s aura pulsed brighter, stronger, bigger...
And then consumed the Pokémon.
For a moment, it felt as though time had slowed. Rui saw the sickly flames flickering around the Croconaw as it rushed at its opponent. Dark, black tendrils snaked about its body, as though binding it, suffocating it. Her chest ached.
“Es...pi...” A weak mew reached Rui’s ears. She and Wes turned to see Neo limping to his Trainer. He looked up at him with dull eyes before collapsing to the ground.
A quiet, frightening rage appeared in Wes’ eyes. “Alright,” he hissed as he returned his Espeon and Umbreon, “That. Is. It.”
The tails of his coat streamed behind him as he turned and, without a word, stalked for the front gate.
That will be fun ten chapters later when his shoulder still hasn't set properly.
7. Noctis Mortem
Oooh, lots of world-building in this one. You're making me want to write Orre fic, so many fascinating questions arise from the set-up here! Orre is . . . pretty sucky. It's obvious why Wes would want to leave even aside from the whole 'have alienated not one but two powerful gangs of criminals.' And I can't imagine he's the only one--emigration must be rampant, unless the cost of the journey is prohibitive. I wonder, in light of the war with Kanto, what Johto's relationship to Orre is. By HG/SS Kanto and Johto seem to be unified. I'm curious if anti-Kanto or anti-outsider sentiment is a thing? I had wondered why he lied to Rui when they first met about his plans--is there some stigma against emigration?
I'm really looking forward to seeing parts of Orre that aren't Phenac!
Wes didn't entirely blame her; staying in an abandoned town at night, with its decaying buildings and creaking houses, would make any regular person nervous.
This would read a little better to me if town was next to the clause modifying it.
Like, "Wes didn't entirely blame her: staying the night in an abandoned town, full of decaying houses and sinister creaks, would make any regular person nervous."
But for Orre natives, it was even more ominous, as they all knew what had reduced so many towns like this one to ruins; as a result, most citizens avoided these places out of fear and superstition.
He sighed. "Look, you're not going to get sick by staying here. Noctis never worked that way."
"I-I know." She slowly sat on her mattress. "It's just...this place is so creepy. To think it used to be a place full of people and families not that long ago, and now it's...like a graveyard."
"They're just empty buildings now. Don't get too worked up over it."
It was part of why he'd resorted to staying in these towns in the first place - they kept unwanted visitors away, and guaranteed he would have privacy.
Next was Novo. Wes hadn't got a good look at the Umbreon before returning him, so he wasn't sure what to expect - and he certainly wasn't prepared to see blood dribbling down his foreleg. Novo looked up into Wes' eyes with a weak mew. "Bri."
He wouldn't be watching out of any windows tonight; he was far too exhausted from their earlier battle. It was more like an ambush than a real battle,Wes growled to himself.
Maybe, "He wouldn't be watching out of any windows tonight; he was far too exhausted from their earlier battle. Though battle was too dignified a word, Wes thought. That had been an ambush."
I wanted a bit more unease here--they clearly want to get him and have some idea of who he is and some power.
"You take really good care of them." Rui's voice jolted him out of his thoughts; she'd been so quiet, for once, he'd almost forgotten she was still there. She was curled up on the mattress with her back against the wall, watching him tend to his Pokémon with a small smile.
Wes shrugged - and immediately regretted the action when his shoulder gave another painful throb. "Of course I do. They're my..."
He paused. He glanced back at his sleeping Pokémon and finished, a little more quietly, "They're my family."
This is a nice lead-in to their conversation, but Rui's first comment did strike me as a little odd. What's the alternative here, not healing his bleeding pokemon?
Maybe, "A part of him thought he could remember her singing ... but the memory slipped away whenever he tried to pin it down. Perhaps he'd only dreamed it."
Noctis. He'd been so young when the mysterious illness swept through Orre and devastated its population, but he'd heard the stories plenty of times from older adults at Snagem. They spoke of its effects, how it turned one's skin as white as a sheet and blackened their eyes and veins until they looked like a corpse, how the seizures and screams of agony would last for hours, sometimes days, before death took them.
He'd heard other stories, too - about families, neighborhoods, and entire towns like this one that went from active, healthy and thriving communities to desolate, corpse-ridden ghost towns in a matter of days.
Noctis Mortem. Night Death. It was appropriately named.
Ah, a deadly plague. Seems p unrealistic, plagues never befall advanced societies.
I wanted a little more here--how do the adults look when they tell those stories? Some of them probably lost someone they loved or saw it up close, how does that inform their story-telling?
Ex, "Noctis. Wes was too young to remember the mysterious illness that had swept through Orre and devastated its population, but he'd heard the stories plenty of times from older adults at Snagem. They spoke of its effects in low voices, usually when they were several bottles in: how it turned skin white as bed-sheets, blackened eyes and veins, how the seizures and screams of agony would last for hours, sometimes days, so that when death finally came, families wept in relief.
The disease moved swiftly. Wes had heard stories of healthy, thriving communities turned desolate and corpse-ridden in a matter of days. The screams always began in the night. They'd go to bed fine, he remembered an older Snager whispering, his eyes haunted, and they'd wake up like ghosts.
Noctis Mortem. Night Death. It was appropriately named."
I'm a very extra nerd who took four years of Latin and can't forget it, so a quick note. This says "Death of night" with death in the accusative (object) case, rather than nominative. Some grammatical alternatives might be:
Mors Nocturna - The Night Death
Noctu Mors - Death at Night
Nocte Mors - Death by Night
Nox Mortis - Night of Death
Noctes Mortis - Nights of Death
Even before the illness, Orre was a rather hopeless excuse for a Region. The nuclear war with Kanto seventy years earlier had already ensured that the area wouldn't be suitable for wild Pokémon for many years - if ever again - and many people speculated that the nuclear after effects on the population were a big factor in the massive Noctis death toll.
Oof, nuclear war too! Orre is not having a good century. It's sad that the pokeworld developed nuclear weapons--I've always thought that with so much raw pokemon power floating around, warfare might take a different path. I wonder why Orre and Kanto fought.
It sounds like Orre hadn't had pokemon for quite some time, then. If Rui's grandfather is in his eighties, he would have grown up pre-war, but for everyone else, that's their normal. It is surprising to me that things like cities having pokemon centers and it being considered normal to challenge someone to a friendly battle have survived as customs.
It seems like there are some species that might not be put off by radioactivity--steel types, for one, and maybe there would be some poison-types that actually thrived in it? The idea of most pokemon being gone but there being hoards of poison types flooding in would be fun. And they're not the most convenient to train. Also curious about potential mutations since pokemon seem particularly susceptible to sudden adaptive change.
If Orre was bad enough that the pokemon couldn't live there, I'm curious how the humans have been managing. Are there certain patches of desert that Wes knows to avoid because of radioactivity? It seems like if nuclear weapons were detonated over Orre's cities, this is more of Hiroshima situation, where they've become habitable again?
"I don't care who you are, Wesley Lycas, nobody dislocates their shoulder and then walks it off." Rui huffed and folded her arms. "So take the stupid pills already."
Wes stared at her. "Did you just...scold me with my full name like a parent?"
"Yes, and if you keep acting like a child, I'll keep parenting you!" she snapped.
Wes shook his head and popped the bottle open with a grumble. "You're unbelievable."
Medicine wasn't too common a commodity at Snagem, and to be caught taking it was to be made a target. Any sign of weakness or injury made one easy prey for the other kids who were desperate to prove themselves.
You're not at Snagem anymore, he told himself. You don't need to hide. She's not a threat. Not a threat.
"He was a scientist, actually. When the Noctis hit, he was working in the labs for days on end trying to find a cure. He eventually caught it from one of the patients. I was almost two."
Wes wondered why she was sharing this. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.
She gave him a wan smile. "It's all right...I don't remember anything about him, I was so young." She brightened just a little. "But even so, I'm proud to be his daughter. He was fighting to save lives, and that makes him a hero in my book."
He wouldn't ever admit it to her, but the thought of those Pokeballs made him extremely uncomfortable. He'd gone out of his way to leave Snagem and all its ways forever, and yet, just two days later, he'd Snagged not one, but four Pokémon.
Granted, he supposed he could justify it as self defense, but the way he so naturally and quickly reverted to his Snagger instincts was not lost on him, and it disturbed him greatly.
And...why had he bothered to take the Snag Machine? Why hadn't he destroyed it with all the others? On the surface, Wes had told himself it was a backup plan, a last resort; if he couldn't scrape up the funds for a passport in Gateon, then he could have sold the thing in the right part of town for a solid price.
But a tiny part of him whispered that maybe, just maybe, he'd been afraid to leave behind something that had been so integral to his identity for so many years.
He hated that thought almost as much as he hated Snagem itself.
It's an interesting question, though: is snagging pokemon inherently bad, if the pokemon is being abused? Is snagging bad because it separates pokemon from the people they care about, or because it's property theft?
"Those 'poor Pokémon' would have killed me or you in a heartbeat," he answered dryly.
"Yes, but I don't think they want to." She raised her eyes to his again with an urgent expression. "They weren't born like this, it's too...unnatural. Someone made them this way. Which means there's got to be a way to fix them."
It feels like there's a very natural thorough line between Rui's dad and her belief here that things can be cured. I'm curious--did Orre ever find a cure, or did the plague just run its course? If the former, feels like a point Rui could bring up. If the latter, a point for Wes to shut her down with.
The harsh growl sounded from behind them. Over their shoulder, he caught a glimpse of Wakin's snarling face, the viciously triumphant eyes, the gun in his hand.
Ah, guns! So they do exist in this world. Always tricky to see how those two intersect in terms of power-levels. Presumably guns are easier to get in this setting than pokemon are. Did most snaggers have them? How useful are guns against pokemon, or does it not matter, because unless the pokemon knows protective moves, you can just threaten the trainer?
The injured man coughed, resulting in blood cascading from his mouth and down his front. He looked at the boy with a weak smile. Those eyes, though dull and fading, still held fondness.
The only pair of eyes that had ever regarded him with kindness.
"Do good, kid."
The command was given, the bird lunged with wings spread, and the sickening sound of impact was masked by the boy's screams -
Oh no! I remember the "Do good, kid" from the opening chapter, and I really enjoy it as a refrain, since that phrase sort of has two meanings. Do good in its casual, slangy form is more like take care of yourself. But read literally--it's a mandate to do Good. And it seems like those two meanings really encompass (what I'm guessing to be) Wes' character arc, from taking care of number one to trying to do some good in the world.
First off, to answer your question more fully about how people have Pokémon in a region that doesn’t have any, there are a handful of ways someone in Orre can end up with one:
*Not originally from Orre, so they bring their Pokémon with them
*Having one imported in or buying one for a hefty price off the black market (hence why having Pokémon is a symbol of wealth and/or shadiness)
*receiving one as a gift or inheriting one from a family member from outside the region
*and, of course, stealing them
Each city in Orre displays one of these more than the others; for example, most of the trainers in Phenac are trainers because of their wealth and connections. In Pyrite and Agate, it’s a different story for both.
I plan to hint at this throughout the story, but so far haven’t been able to find a good spot to mention it without it feeling out of the blue or like contrived exposition. If you have any suggestions for where I can plug these tidbits in, please let me know!
Wes could be wary about flashing his pokemon around Phenac too much, since he knows he doesn't look like a richboy and with his features, he's hard to mistake him for a foreigner, leaving few good options left?
I’m also so happy to hear that Novo is your favorite; I was worried that he would be ignored by readers in favor of Neo’s more boisterous personality, so it’s good to see that isn’t the case here.
Hmm I meant to imply that they were targeting the mayor for his knowledge of Rui and what she told him about the Makuhita, but I probably could have been clearer on that. This is the way things play out in the game, and I can’t really say much more without revealing spoilers.
I guess . . . if the mayor is so useless, why would this even be an issue? And, they seem to have lots of power and influence, from the way the guards who are in cahoots with the makuhita-people were able to boss around the city guards. Couldn't they be pretty confident that anything Rui said to the mayor wouldn't be acted on, whether by hook or by crook? Whereas kidnapping the mayor draws a ton of unnecessary attention.
I'm glad! I often find it takes less words to do an alt version of a line that shows what I mean than to explain each potential thing in minute detail. Nice to hear that style is helpful to you.
That nightmare scene is really interesting! It sets up a lot of questions, and gives a lot of intrigue. Who's this Pokemon that died? Why is it the fault of the person the child (who I presume is a younger Wes) is yelling at? Who are the people behind the menacing voice and the kind voice? Are they the same person at different times of their life, or different people? What do they want the child to "do good" at? These are all questions I find myself asking at this, and it pushes me to continue reading to find out the answers. Excellent job.
Oh, I’m so happy to hear this! I left the nightmare scene intentionally very vague, but I was worried it might be more confusing for the reader than I intended. Glad it raised all kinds of questions, as that’s what I was going for. :D
I am VERY intrigued about this red-eyed man. Even without any dialogue, he manages to come off as extremely intimidating. I wonder if he has anything to do with the Shadow Pokemon?
I'm starting to see why this is tagged romance, haha. This setup starts to remind me of those high school things that I only exclusively see on 2000's TV shows where kids have to raise a flour baby or something
OMG hahaha. You’re so right! xD I hesitated to add the romance tag because I plan on keeping it pretty subtle/low key for most of the story, but figured I’d throw it in just in case, since I know it’s not everyone’s cup o’ tea.
I wasn't expecting Duking to introduce Wes to his kids at all! He seemed really concerned about them meeting Wes. At first I thought maybe he was just trying to play it up so the kids don't notice, but they seem to be aware that their father is up to some stuff. It's definitely a cute scene so I see why you'd want to include it--but maybe Duking isn't enabling it here? He gets caught up outside or something and the kids don't know what's up so they come to check things out?
Hmm this is true. Duking knows he won’t be able to hide everything from his kids, so he doesn’t bother trying to hide that he’s working with Wes and Rui, here, but it would be better to have his kids initiate the introduction, I think.
This felt a bit too prescient for Secc in context I think--it gave me the feeling that he is fully aware of the sad truth that the older people in the room are dancing around re: Pyrite kids (although maybe he is? but he stays pretty quiet for the rest of the convo)
I probably need to word this differently; Secc’s response wasn’t related to other kids in town, but rather that he doesn’t find homework all that bad and thinks Marci is just being whiny.
Is this a game thing? I can't quite recall. The level of rich flex that comes with having a waterfall inside your second secret house while the rest of your town is impoverished to the point that they don't even have a primary school is pretty high tho.
Yep, this is a game thing! I should probably clarify why this exists, though, at least in this story. The idea is that Duking created this to have extra space to provide shelter for less fortunate kids, and I think I need to drive that point home a little harder since I feel it’s an important detail for his character.
I'm curious how Wes knows what this looks like? I get the feeling that he has a pretty bipolar spectrum--either pokemon who love their trainers or pokemon who don't. I wasn't entirely sure how this differs (to Wes) from what he's seen from Neo/Novo. I think it's possible, but it's not in there yet! What reaction from Maku does he see that to him indicates a lack of trust?
Are they, like, literally laughing and smiling as they torture her? That seems almost cartoonishly evil. Curious about the origins/what they were trying to accomplish with shadow pokemon!
The image I was trying to create was less smiling and laughing and more fake smiles and reassurances that Kohna knows aren’t true because she is aware of what’s to come. Again, this could be fixed by wording it differently, I think.
Oh wow, you are flying right through this story and I love to see it!
Seems a little weird to characterize this as a peace offering. I thought Rui liked Neo and Novo! Is she not independently invested in them being taken care of?
I'm curious about pokemon centers in Orre. The fact that pokeballs aren't even sold in Phenac makes me wonder why they bother maintaining an open pokemon center. If only elites have pokemon, they can probably afford to pay for their healing. What kind of place is a pokemon center? Are they dangerous--if I were a pokemon thief, that's definitely the number one place I would target! I'm surprised Wes is comfortable letting Rui go off with his injured pokemon--if she were attacked, how much would she be able to do? It seems a bit like the naivete he criticized in Willie.
All very good points; to be honest, I’ve always felt the first few paragraphs of this chapter were rather clunky, but your feedback is helping me know how and where to tweak things.
I was meaning to imply that he was hearing something near the front gate of the city and was alerting Wes to that fact - perhaps if, instead of saying “in the distance”, I said “in the direction of the city gate”, that would make it a little clearer?
This is a nice lead-in to their conversation, but Rui's first comment did strike me as a little odd. What's the alternative here, not healing his bleeding pokemon?
This was meant to reference the caring manner in which Wes tends to his Pokémon, not necessarily the fact that he’s caring for them in general. I can definitely add a sentence or two here that illustrates this before she comments, such as him giving them each a trest or grooming their fur before she comments.
Ex, "Noctis. Wes was too young to remember the mysterious illness that had swept through Orre and devastated its population, but he'd heard the stories plenty of times from older adults at Snagem. They spoke of its effects in low voices, usually when they were several bottles in: how it turned skin white as bed-sheets, blackened eyes and veins, how the seizures and screams of agony would last for hours, sometimes days, so that when death finally came, families wept in relief.
The disease moved swiftly. Wes had heard stories of healthy, thriving communities turned desolate and corpse-ridden in a matter of days. The screams always began in the night. They'd go to bed fine, he remembered an older Snager whispering, his eyes haunted, and they'd wake up like ghosts.
Noctis Mortem. Night Death. It was appropriately named."
I love this SO MUCH, and I’m definitely going to try to add more detail now that you’ve given me an example, but I just know it’s not going be nearly as good or as powerful as what you just showed me here, OMG. 😂
I'm a very extra nerd who took four years of Latin and can't forget it, so a quick note. This says "Death of night" with death in the accusative (object) case, rather than nominative. Some grammatical alternatives might be:
Mors Nocturna - The Night Death
Noctu Mors - Death at Night
Nocte Mors - Death by Night
Nox Mortis - Night of Death
Noctes Mortis - Nights of Death
...well, frick. I knew I shouldn’t have relied on Google translate. 😂
Hm, I think I’d go with Nocte Mors or Nox Mortis, although my plan was to have the citizens refer to the plague simply as “Noctis,” which won’t really work if I change the name entirely...perhaps the full name of the disease could simply be called “Noctis.” I’m not really sure, though, what are your thoughts? Maybe I could keep it as Noctis Mortem and adjust the translation to be more accurate?
Heh, that is totally fair, and I definitely don’t want that to be a strong dynamic here. To be honest, I didn’t even have the romance in mind while writing this bit of dialogue; I mostly just wanted to showcase more of Rui’s personality here, which does tend to be motherly and bossy at times and is largely due to her upbringing. Rui is The Mom Friend to everyone, regardless of romantic interest, and I hope to portray that well enough as the story rolls along.
It's an interesting question, though: is snagging pokemon inherently bad, if the pokemon is being abused? Is snagging bad because it separates pokemon from the people they care about, or because it's property theft?
I intentionally didn’t mention him approaching the couple to show his stealth: suddenly he’s right there, Pokeballs in hand. Though I could probably achieve this more effectively and clearly by adding extra detail, maybe?
Wes could be wary about flashing his pokemon around Phenac too much, since he knows he doesn't look like a richboy and with his features, he's hard to mistake him for a foreigner, leaving few good options left?
Lots of things to take note of, for sure! I’ll be honest, it’s kind of a shame to be getting this feedback AFTER posting, mostly because I cross-post to several sites and fixing what’s already published to each one is such a chore. LOL. I LOVE your analysis, though, and it’s exactly what I would hope to get from a beta reader. If you ever wanted to beta-read future chapters, I would say YES in a heartbeat, haha. (Only if you would like to, though - there’s absolutely no hard feelings if you’d rather not!)
Can’t wait to hear more of your thoughts on my next chapters! Thanks so much for all the advice!
Racing through Of Sand and Shadows like Wes on his motorcycle!
I think I'll discuss chapters 8 and 9 together, since it's really more of a two-parter with a cliffie in the middle. You're playing a nice game of stick and carrot with Wes. The carrot--being a good person, not letting Rui down, helping pokemon in distress. The stick--sheriff dude and the threat of arrest.
As I noted in my line-by-lines, I did feel like Operation Make Wes an Undercover Agent went a little too smoothly. The first thing I really couldn't get past was him wearing the Snag device into the police station. Like, that's not just jewelry, my friend, and particularly in a town as rowdy as Pyrite it just feels impossible to claim no member of the police force ever has seen the device in action or had it described to them. I'd have been a lot more content if I'd seen Wes taking at least a few precautions before going into the police station.
The next thing was that he seemed really open to the deal, and saw it as safe, when it's probably a lot less safe than just hightailing it out of the country like he planned? He knows the shadow pokemon people are dangerous, he knows he's already on their bad side-I was surprised he didn't point out the obvious flaw of "I've stolen four of their pokemon so we're not exactly bosom pals." And though he doesn't think Snagem is connected with them, criminals chat, and it's not outside the realm of possibility that he'd find himself in a vulnerable position from Snagem folks as well. From everything that's been said of the police force, it sure doesn't sound like they have the power to protect him if this all goes wrong. I also wondered why the idea of using the shadow pokemon didn't cross his mind when he was cornered by the sheriff, even as a thought he'd instantly reject as the cost being too high. That encounter felt to me like a situation where Wes has the physical power to get out, but only if he's prepared to burn every bridge. He doesn't want to do that, but it seemed like something he might at least contemplate. Lastly, I wondered why his first thought wasn't 'agree to the deal, get Rui taken care of, and when their backs are turned I'll be gone.' Even if that plan was thwarted as soon as Rui joined the squad, it would have felt more realistic to me. I don't know if you've ever happened across Terry Pratchett's book Going Postal, but it features a similar scene where a criminal is captured and offered a job instead of being hanged (again.) He accepts, and instantly books it out of town--he has to be recaptured before he realizes that he really is stuck, and he might as well make the best of it until he can find a more permanent escape. Also a great book for 'I'm not a hero! Oh god but they all think I am! I guess I better do the heroic thing so they don't realize I'm not actually a hero!'
All this to say, the plot is rolling along, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it brings us!
He noticed that Novo, though still limping slightly, was back to his usual self and his wound was already well on its way to being fully mended. Pokémon never ceased to impress him with their insanely fast ability to heal, and the still-present ache in his shoulder made him a little envious of that fact.
This was a nice concrete way to show the difference between pokemon and human heal times. Of course, Wes, your shoulder might feel better if you'd, hm, left the sling on.
Unlike Phenac, Pyrite was actually easy to miss if you weren't paying careful attention. While Phenac was a shining beacon of white stone and reflected sunlight, Pyrite almost exclusively consisted of rust, dust, and old scrap metal buildings, and if it weren't for the rocky red plateaus encircling it, the town would have blended into the desert altogether.
As they approached the city entrance (or what could loosely be considered as such, as it was little more than an old, creaky boardwalk), the dull strains of music could be heard carrying through the air. It was some variation of bluesy jazz, though Wes couldn't be entirely sure. It was a unique style of music that he'd only ever heard in Pyrite.
Bit of redundancy in this paragraph. It's not "could be heard"--clearly, Wes can and is hearing it. If he's only ever heard it in Pyrite, then it's unique to Pyrite.
Ex, "As they approached the city entrance (for a given definition of city entrance—it was little more than an old, creaky boardwalk), dull strains of music wafted through the air. Some variation of bluesy jazz, Wes thought. He'd only ever heard that style of music in Pyrite."
His torn, baggy, dust-coated clothing perfectly matched the rugged buildings around him, and he would have blended in almost flawlessly were it not for his obnoxiously green, shaggy hair.
In general, I'd say things read better when you stack two adjectives rather than three. Like, "his torn, dust-coated clothing" reads more smoothly to me because it feels less like every characteristic is being listed. Alternatively, if the emphasis is on being thorough, "His clothing was torn, baggy, and coated with dust." This leans into the list-like quality, but gives it room to breath.
Wes rolled his eyes. Cail prided himself on being something of a gatekeeper of Pyrite, always challenging every visitor to a battle before letting them get too far into the city. He'd never been any trouble for Wes in a battle, but that didn't stop the rogue from challenging him every time he visited.
Uh, does he really want to be finding familiar faces? This seems like the kind of place Snagem would have a lot of contacts. Wouldn't the first thing they'd have done would be to say, hey if you see that piece of shit Wes, get him--we'll pay big?
"I can turn them in to the police, too." Wes hadn't thought of this before, but now that he was saying it, it seemed like the most viable option. He couldn't take them with him, and he couldn't in good conscience leave them in the hands of an unsuspecting Trainer, either. "I'm sure that they're more qualified to deal with this stuff than we are."
Hm, this seems like a very stupid idea for Wes. Either the police are fully incompetent, meaning this is useless, they're on someone's payroll, which could be dangerous, or they're not completely incompetent, which is also dangerous for him.
"That's because I do have a personal issue with them." Rui raised her eyes to meet his, and there was a cold anger in both her face and her tone. "They didn't lift a finger when my starter got stolen from me."
Suddenly Rui's intense hatred for Pokémon thieves, her disdain for the police, and her obnoxious sense of justice made much more sense to him. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.
Ahh, more backstory that gives context for Rui's actions. I wonder if we'll run into her starter at some point. Would be a big oof if it had become a shadow pokemon.
"They were actually given to us, sir." Wes blinked in surprise as Rui plowed forward without so much as a stutter. "We won a couple of them in a contest, and the other two were given to us by some concerned citizens in Phenac. They didn't know what to do with their Pokémon, so we offered to bring them here."
It was a stretch, but her face was shockingly earnest for such a bald-faced lie.
Wes met his gaze evenly and forced himself to remain calm and collected. This man knew nothing, had nothing on him. He would be fine as long as he was careful.
Still, he couldn't help but notice the Chief's eyes briefly flicker to the Snag Machine on his arm.
Um. Snag machines may not be known to random people, but I feel like Wes would have to assume the police would know what they look like? It's hitting suspension of disbelief territory that he wouldn't at least take off the flashy device that shouts, 'Hi yes I do the illegal pokemon theft' before entering a police station.
Sherles straightened and leaned against his desk, then tipped his head back and regarded Wes with a critical eye. When he spoke again, his calm voice contained a threatening edge, and Wes felt the blood in his veins freeze over.
"My sources indicate that you spent quite a lot of time here in town on your Snagging missions, and are quite familiar with the locals - particularly the Trainers," Sherles said. "You're likely more integrated into that crowd than any of my officers...which is why I'd like you to go undercover for me."
"I'll reduce your sentence - and, depending on how helpful you are, I might even be willing to waive all charges. I will see to it that you have a place to stay and operate from while you are here, and I'll make sure your Pokémon are taken care of."
Wes mulled this over in his mind. He hated being backed into a corner like this, and yet it didn't actually sound...all that terrible. "What would I do?"
Wes seems a little too open to this. All the sheriff is offering is 'free hotel' and I'll reduce your sentence. He doesn't trust the police at all, so I doubt he'd latch onto a "maybe we'll waive all charges."
"As a matter of fact, I didn't. My informant has been tracking you for some time, but lost your trail at Phenac." He actually chuckled a little. "Having you resurface on my very doorstep was the last thing I expected - although, I didn't expect you to blow up that hideout, either. You're full of surprises, son."
Wes had latched onto the first part of Sherles' statement. "Who's your informant?"
"That's classified information."
Well, he didn't expect he'd get an answer, but it had been worth a shot.
I would expect Wes to start rifling through some possibilities here. It feels natural that you'd start wondering who in Team Snagem other than him wanted to betray them.
"So it seems I was correct in assuming you would make for Gateon," Sherles grunted. "You dislike Orre that much, hm?"
"This region hasn't done me any favors."
"Interesting. I'm sure it could say the exact same thing about you."
Wes ignored this comment; he was well aware of what he'd "contributed" to the world so far. He wasn't proud of it, yet he couldn't help but venomously wonder: where was the rest of Orre, when he was just a child on the streets? Where were the police and the authorities then?
Nowhere. The one time - the one time - the police were actually competent at their job, it worked against him and not for him.
I really liked this exchange. Wes is saying that the social contract goes two ways--a society that leaves people to survive however they can shouldn't turn around and act shocked that they survived however they could.
"Listen, kid, I don't need another reason to have a target on my back. I've got enough on my plate tryin' to run this city and get to the bottom of these Pokémon attacks, and I don't need to be sheltering the likes of you."
A realization dawned on Wes at that last statement. "You're the mayor." He snorted and tipped his head back, folding his arms again. "I should have known."
The Pyrite man snarled at him. "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean it's obvious. Hiring other people to do all the dirty work for you while treating them as less-than? Sounds like every other authority figure to me."
"Don't get snarky with me, kid. I've been serving Pyrite since before you were born, and I don't need my name associated with criminals."
And you -" he shot daggers at Wes - "watch that smart mouth of yours. This man has done more for this town than you've done for anything in your entire life, and he deserves your respect."
Interruptions for actions like this have their own weird dialogue rule.
"And you"—He shot daggers at Wes—"watch that smart mouth of yours. This man has done more for this town than you've done for anything in your entire life, and he deserves your respect."
Respect. Wes hated that word. It was the word of authoritarians and tyrants and men drunk with power. It was the word that was shoved down his throat daily in Snagem, one that forced him to keep his head down and eyes low if he didn't want an unprovoked beating. It was one that nearly took his Pokémon, his family, his everything, away from him.
Respect. It was a dirty word , one that left a bitter taste in his mouth whenever he heard it
Still, if this deal really was as good as Sherles made it out to be - though he didn't give much weight to the man's word just yet - then it would mean a much easier time of getting out of Orre. A slower method, but a cleaner one...a safer one.
Before Wes could answer, Sherles clapped a hand on his shoulder, and the sudden touch nearly made him jump out of his skin. Arceus. Why were people so touchy all the time? Between all the contact with strangers, and Rui clinging to him over the last few days, he'd had more than enough of it and was at his limit.
Sherles barked out a laugh. "Look at you, being so modest!" He turned to Rui with a grin. "This young man has been with us for some time, Miss Everlin - not too long, mind you, but he's worked with us to expose the Snagem hideout and steal the Snag Machine to help us in our investigation. Truly, we'd be at quite a loss without him."
Rui's eyes widened in shock. She stared at Wes, utterly dumbfounded. "Is...is this true?"
I was meaning to imply that he was hearing something near the front gate of the city and was alerting Wes to that fact - perhaps if, instead of saying “in the distance”, I said “in the direction of the city gate”, that would make it a little clearer?
I love this SO MUCH, and I’m definitely going to try to add more detail now that you’ve given me an example, but I just know it’s not going be nearly as good or as powerful as what you just showed me here, OMG. 😂
...well, frick. I knew I shouldn’t have relied on Google translate. 😂
Hm, I think I’d go with Nocte Mors or Nox Mortis, although my plan was to have the citizens refer to the plague simply as “Noctis,” which won’t really work if I change the name entirely...perhaps the full name of the disease could simply be called “Noctis.” I’m not really sure, though, what are your thoughts? Maybe I could keep it as Noctis Mortem and adjust the translation to be more accurate?
I intentionally didn’t mention him approaching the couple to show his stealth: suddenly he’s right there, Pokeballs in hand. Though I could probably achieve this more effectively and clearly by adding extra detail, maybe?
The issue with that for me is that this is coming from his POV, not theirs. So not mentioning someone and then 'oh they have my wallet' makes sense from their POV but Wes was the one actually doing the creeping around.
If you ever wanted to beta-read future chapters, I would say YES in a heartbeat, haha. (Only if you would like to, though - there’s absolutely no hard feelings if you’d rather not!)
Okay, just to make it clear, this isn't the super review I told you about, I have something special planned for that :p but I did want to leave a review of the first two chapters. I had some line by lines too, but unfortunately I ended up losing them so I'm just gonna do a general overview of what I thought of the first couple of chapters.
What stood out to me the most in these first couple of chapters is the relationship between Wes, Neo and Novo. You sell the fact that his pokemon are the closest thing Wes has to family pretty well and he's very quick to shed aside his usual bravado and loner persona when he's around the two. At the same time, Wes is a sort of bright brother/parental figure for the two and while we haven't fully learned the details we can tell that the three of them have a bigger past behind them.
That's another one of the things I liked. As someone who only played halfway through collosseum, I don't know if Wes' character has some sort of big journey or anything of the sort, but as far as I remember he was a silent protagonist, even if his general vibe and design made him seen aloof. He's like that here, but he's more than just a jaded loner, he's got a checkered past and you can tell from the start that Wes is carrying his fair share of trauma after growing up with Team Snaggen. They're little details that help him seem more vulnerable and make what could've been your typical loner seem as a more fun and unique individual. I also like how he has his soft side, the fact that he's willing to help people or look after others even if he grumbles about it. I love it completely.
For the first couple of chapters Wes is really our anchor, but I'm curious to see how you handle Rui as well. I like that so far Rui's character kind of unsettles Wes, her bright and upbeat personality contrasting with what he'd expect.
Worldbuilding wise, these first two chapters don't really do too much to expand on what the games show us, but you do give us some hints at some of Orre's background, such as the fact that Phenac City is seen as this bustling oasis metropolis in the middle of a dessert and that signifies the economic level of the people living there. I don't know if you'll go into more detail in regards to that in the future but if you do it's definitely a good avenue to explore how Orre's citizens differ in class and upbringing, especially since Orre has a pretty unique and gruelling ecosystem.
Prose wise, I think it's all pretty decent but I think you strike a better flow when it comes to dialogue and interaction rather than overall description. For example, our view of Phenac City isn't really expanded upon too much, this is specially something I would like more detail on because it's kind of hard to see how Phenac City here can be bigger than the one in the game. That being said, I think that's more of an issue coming over from the game, it being proper 3D and being a city that's pretty tightly structured means that it's a little hard to expand on it. Like, it's hard to imagine how you can add roads in a city that's mostly composed of running rivers and bridges. It'd be nice to get more detail but I won't fault you for it.
Anyways, those are my general thoughts about the story so far, it's a pretty interesting introduction and I'm equally interested in seeing how you'll continue to adapt the story.
Why, what fine chapters 10 and 11 you have here. A shame if someone were to come along and . . . review them.
Wes settling into the mayor's house walked an interesting line between light fish-out-of-water comedy and a more bitter 'wow, this dude has a private decorative waterfall in a desert region, schools his kids via a Johto teacher, and has the gall to lecture Wes about life choices.' Neo and Novo bacon scene also had that same mix of surface-level lightness, but sad if you think too long--gorging is a common reaction to abundance if you've been deprived before. And eating until you vomit . . . is not actually super fun. It was great to get the shadow pokemon POVs--I like that they each have some variety. Even if this is the same method, pokemon are reacting to and coping with it in different ways. At the moment it just seems like some variety of compulsion induced by vicious abuse, but all the shadow stuff suggests there may be another element to it. At the end of chapter 11 it feels like Wes is coming to terms with the fact that these pokemon really aren't normal and aren't going to snap back to normal just because someone gives them a biscuit.
Wes' choice to battle at the end of chapter 11 felt a little suspect, since he's every time he's seen them used they've gone out of control. I'm not sure what to make of the quilava not knowing "normal" moves. This shadow rush definitely triggers something, but if they teach her normal moves would she be able to fight without that happening? (Does she even want to fight? This poor itchy baby. At the moment Wes isn't really doing anything too different from her former masters.) I wondered why he picked her for the battle instead of the others--was his reasoning that she seemed the meekest and least aggressive, and so the easiest to control? It might have been nice to see something like that written out to justify why he decides to go with this fight.
There were a lot of new characters floating around in these chapters, and to be honest, I had trouble keeping track of all the mayor's helpers. The model of 'let's introduce everyone and sit around a table together forming a plan' is more suited to a visual medium where you can physically keep track. I wonder if you could introduce some of these characters as their contributions to the plan become relevant, rather than gathering them all just so they can have no idea until Rui mentions pick-pocketing. I was confused as to why the discussion for their plan became how do we steal more shadow pokemon? I thought the sheriff's plan was for Wes to try and get in with the shadow pokemon people--which presumably doesn't mean stealing more of their shit. Do the sheriff and mayor have different agendas here, with the sheriff wanting to stop this at the root and the mayor just wanting to get as many shadow pokemon confiscated as possible? I didn't see any signs of a conflict like that. I was interested to see how Wes was going to infiltrate the people he's just been stealing from--was imagining him rolling up to some dude with shadow pokemon and being like "looking for these? now take me to your leader." But I guess the plan has changed?
That strikes me as a little odd after he made such a big deal of "don't mess with my kids"--he's going to let Wes be alone with them first chance he gets?
So here he sat in the modest kitchen, trying not to fidget as he took in the yellow painted walls around him and attempted to ignore the girl's penetrating stare; she sat at the kitchen table across from him, looking him up and down as though silently critiquing every detail. For all he knew, she probably was.
Marcia (or Marci, as she had very adamantly insisted she be called) was the younger of Duking's two children. Her brother, Secc, had given a quiet but polite hello before retreating back into his book where he sat at the other end of the table.
Whatever her brother lacked in sociability, Marci more than made up for it with hers. She was loud, energetic, talked way too fast, and reminded Wes far too much of a certain redhead - a fact that was not helped by her auburn colored hair.
And, as luck would have it, Marci was particularly interested in Wes; she studied him from across the table as though he were a textbook and she was preparing for a test.
He was just about to ask her what in Mew's name she wanted when she finally spoke up.
The struggle is real for Wes here. (Super random thought--I wonder if yellow would have the same connotation of cheer in a desert world. Give me some ocean blue and forest green kitchens!)
The ordering of these paragraphs seems a little off to me. So, we have Marci silently examining Wes. Then we're told she talks too fast and is loud. Then Marci is studying Wes in silence and "finally" speaks. It seems like she's been quiet all the time he's known her, so how could he know she's loud and fast-talking? That paragraph seems like one that would be more appropriate after Wes has spent more time with the two--as is, it comes as if it's knowledge outside Wes' POV.
"Because Trainers dress different!" Marci continued, apparently not expecting a response to her previous statement. "They wear cool shirts and shorts and they have cool bags for all their stuff - oh, and they wear hats, too!" She leaned forward as she spoke, eyes sparkling, as if she were imagining herself in those clothes.
Very curious where Marci's image of trainer culture comes from. I get the sense that their dad keeps them sheltered from the rest of the town, since if they spent any time walking around in it, they'd presumably get a different image of trainers. And they seem to have access to the internet and other country's stuff, so maybe Marci's grown up on Johto trainer culture. That's a little sad, but definitely rings true to the experiences of wealthy kids in poorer countries. It's funny that mayor dude gave Wes so much shit about wanting to leave Orre when the education he's able to give his kids comes from outside Orre.
"It's okay, Novo," he said. "They're..." What? Safe? Not a threat? (Though a threat to his pride, maybe.) They certainly weren't close enough to be called friends, not when they'd just met.
Wes noticed his gaze darken ever so slightly as the mayor glanced at him; hospitality aside, this man was certainly not happy to have Wes at his dinner table.
The implication is pretty clear to the reader, so this feels like a place where you could leave off the explanatory gloss and just say, "The mayor's gaze darkened ever so slightly when he looked at Wes."
He didn't seem all that different, Wes thought. His insane rage in battle aside, Makuhita was behaving like an ordinary, mild-mannered Pokémon. As he watched the fighter finish his treat, Wes thought he looked...almost normal.
Then Makuhita looked up at him again with those eyes and that blank, lifeless stare.
I'd be interested in getting a few more concrete details here, perhaps contrasted with how Neo and Novo behave. Like, in a new place they usually sniff the air, listen to the sounds, etc, but the makuhita does none of that.
Well, great. Now Wes felt sorry for him. Neo and Novo's begging tactics were one thing; he'd caved in to them from time to time, and they'd lived their lives knowing and trusting in his affection. But this poor Pokémon...he acted for all the world like Rui was the first human to ever show him kindness.
It had been a long time since she'd actually been itchy; ever since leaving the white walls behind, the sensation never returned. But she'd grown so used to it, that constant prickling sensation under her fur, that it felt unnatural, wrong even, to be without it. So she had itched and scratched and twitched and clawed herself bloody in various places in an effort to keep calm.
But these humans made her nervous, and nervousness made her want to twitch, scratch, bite, and that blackness in her heart stirred even more, threatening to rear its ugly head -
The red one was looking at her and cautiously approaching her, but it wasn't the outstretched hand that was frightening, oh no; it was that smile on her face.
She didn't like that. When the white-coated humans would smile at her, with sharp and pointy things in their hands, it was a sure sign of more pain to come.
Slowly, very slowly, she craned her neck forward to take the morsel from his hand. She delicately clutched it in her teeth, then immediately snapped her head away before he could have a chance to do - something. Hit her, or stab her with something sharp, or yank her by the ear.
The second Bayleef had been released from his ball, the Pokémon bellowed in rage and launched a flurry of leaves straight for their heads; Wes had only narrowly managed to shove Rui down and duck under the slicing green blades before returning him.
Rui was slower to get to her feet. "His-his-his aura..." Her voice betrayed the fact that she was trembling slightly.
Neo, apparently also under the table with his brother, followed suit with a chirp, though Wes noticed he moved a little sluggishly. He frowned at him, but Neo merely blinked up at him contentedly.
"An Espeon and an Umbreon! They're really rare, aren't they?"
Wes felt a prickle of unease. He was not keen on where this conversation could be heading, and he preferred to avoid questions about where he got Neo and Novo if he could help it. He decided to vaguely answer this question with a noncommittal shrug.
Everyone settled in around the table - the now very crowded table, Wes realized. He found himself needing to take deep breaths. There were so many people, it was so loud, and there was so much food -
Wait.
He'd been so busy taking in the busy scene, he hadn't noticed just how much food there was sprawled atop the tablecloth. Wes stared in disbelief; he'd never seen so much food all in one place, being offered to him for free. Unless he included snatching food from the open-air markets in Phenac, but he had a sneaking suspicion that didn't count.
He quietly dished some food onto his plate, and when nobody was looking, stashed some biscuits in his pocket, just in case; rule number one of his upbringing had been to never pass up an opportunity for a meal, whether current or future.
Who knows where I'd be now if he hadn't found me."
Wes held in a bitter snort. He had a pretty good idea of where Noctis orphans usually ended up: either on the streets, in a gang, or dead. More often than not, the first two options led to the third one fairly quickly.
Maku sat passively, taking in the scenery with no expression whatsoever; Kohna snorted and twitched, pawing at the ground anxiously, and Nani (Maybe? Had she accepted that name?) immediately crouched into a battle stance, snapping her jaws ferociously at the other two in turn.
Wes had no way of interpreting her fierce growls, but the message was clear, nonetheless: "Which one of you do I get to tear apart first?"
For the first time, the fighter showed something other than rage or dull acceptance. He blinked and took a step back, and Wes saw utter confusion overtake his face. "...Ma?"
He glanced at it, then shot Wes a hateful look and spat out an obscene insult that made Rui gasp in horror. Before either of them could respond, he shot off like a rocket and disappeared around a corner.
A silky feminine voice sounded from the street and broke through his thoughts. Wes turned to its source - and only barely managed to hold back a groan.
She sauntered up to him like a prowling Persian, hips and hair swaying from side to side as she moved. Her tight clothing accentuated her curves in all the right places, and her boots clicked against the dusty pavement with each step.
We're getting a lot of cliches in this description. And they're not great cliches. I know femme fatale is a staple of noir, which you're sort of a toe into here, but these descriptions are pretty flat and dehumanizing. This isn't a person; it's a collection of vamp stereotypes. You can have a character be sexy and into flirting, but if that's literally everything they are, it's kind of icky.
Wes crouched and called them to him as Emok did the same with her team; it was a common practice to fill in one's team on what was happening before throwing them into battle without warning - though not every Trainer gave their Pokemon such courtesy.
An unearthly rage gleamed in the Quilava's eyes; every muscle was taught, her flames raging higher than ever, her lips curling in a vicious snarl, revealing pointed fangs.
I liked these two chapters a lot more and I think a big part of that can be attributed to Wes and Rui. You convey their relationship in a really cute way, allowing both of their personalities to stand out while also bouncing them off each other. Rui is bright and bubbly and is kind of like a Disney princess in a way, while Wes is a jaded, traumatized trainer trying hard to keep everyone far away. That being said, I do like how they bring out different aspects of each other.
For example, Rui might be bright, sheltered and a bit of a ditz, but she's not a pushover (at least when it comes to humans), she's got fight to her and is sure of what she wants and doesn't back down until she can get it. I also like how she's all too willing to tease Wes and call him out when he gets too into himself. Wes on the other hand can be cold and stoic, but Rui is so much different from the people he's used to dealing with that he can't avoid showing his kinder, gentler sides and soften up to her.
I think your description of the surroundings and character actions improved in these chapters two, especially the latter. It helps that your story has a nice flow that's easy to read and isn't too wordy, the characters and what they do feels organic in the prose and really helps in keeping a reader engaged.
Now for some line by lines because this time I didn't mess it up and lost them.
At the start Wes is pretty dry towards Rui and I like her kind of unaware innocence that she displays here but I also like how you convey the fact that Rui's a little sheltered from this small section of dialogue as well.
Too many questions. Nervousness flitted about in his chest. She was entirely too curious, and every question was making him feel more and more threatened.
Well, this is a direct result of Wes' trauma from Team Snagen, I do like how you show us that because of those past experiences he has a bit of a panic every time he feels insecure.
He was momentarily saved from the agonizing small talk as they rounded a corner and the marketplace came into view. Open-air shops under white canopies lined both sides of the street and offered a wide variety of products that could be found nowhere else in Orre; fresh fruit, imported goods, and a wide variety of fabrics, amongst other things. Vendors, citizens and tourists alike bustled from one booth to the next, and the air was buzzing with snippets of conversation here and there.
This was a nice bit of description to expand on Phenac, which was a detail I mentioned in my first review. I think there's still some work that could be done in that regard but I like how you paint a picture of Phenac's marketplace here, letting us see all the different kinds of things you can find there.
"So, let me get this straight. You're not a trainer. Yet you left your hometown and wandered to Pyrite Town, of all places, to look for Pokeballs...in a region that doesn't have wild Pokemon."
Rui gave a weak laugh and looked at Wes with a wan smile. "Well, when you put it like that, it sounds pretty dumb. But that's the truth, I promise."
You touch on this topic a little later but one thing that always jumped out at me about the Orre games in particular is the fact that Orre has no wild pokemon. How are there trainers? How do they catch pokemon? like that's the one thing that's always jumped at me about these games cause trainers are still very much a thing. So I do hope you can note that down for later? :P I know you mention something that has to do with it later but...then how do they get their pokemon?
"Well, you see, Papi - my grandpa - he's hopeful!" Some of the brightness had returned to Rui's eyes. "There have been rumors of wild Pokemon sightings around the area up north, so he thinks they might be migrating back into the region!"
As Hispanic, it was a weird detail to hear Rui call her grandfather papi, but it's still cute anyway. Also as someone that didn't complete the game, I do wonder if these sightings have to do with Cipher.
Wes decided it wasn't worth pointing out that she could have deduced this from Neo and Novo's evolutions - Espeon and Umbreon only got their evolutions from bonding with their trainer, after all. Instead, he shrugged again and said, "It makes no difference to me. You saw something and reported it, and now you can move on."
Sssshhh, let Rui dream, Wes. You don't gotta be a dick about it. But I do enjoy these little obvious detail that generates justifiable scepticism from Wes, even if we know Rui isn't lying.
To the left was an enclosed, glass-walled play area for Pokémon. Wes knew from previous visits that the play area extended through a door in the wall to a larger, fenced-in outdoor area. He'd never used it himself, though - the thought of leaving his Pokémon in someone else's hands was mortifying to him.
Johto. Wes had only heard stories of it, but it sounded like a beautiful place, so entirely different from the sandy Orre region. He'd heard about green forests that stretched as far as the eye could see, of giant shining lakes, of mountains that stretched so high you couldn't see their peaks. He'd dreamed of seeing it from the moment he first learned of its existence.
I like how Wes has this sort of idealized image of Johto. It's easy to forget that for Wes, who's grown up in Orre his whole life with no knowledge of the world outside, Johto is no different from how someone in a third world country might look at a first world one and it's a detail that's very relatable to me. That's why I think this is a pretty good worldbuilding detail that also tells us more abou Wes, for as cynical as he can be even he has dreams.
Rui surprised him by throwing him a withering look. "Yes, I'm hearing about it just now," she said scathingly. "It's not like I've spent the last twenty-four hours in a sack or anything!"
She turned her eyes to his, and he was shocked at the amount of pure hatred he saw there. "Yes," she said quietly. "I hate Pokémon thieves. Snagem had this coming, and they deserve a whole lot worse."
Wes looked at her for a moment before answering. "I agree," he said quietly.
:C well it's not Wes' fault that he was a part of Team Snagen. That being said, I like this because it builds a possible nail in their relationship something that we can worry about as their bond develops. Also it proves that Rui also isn't as pure as she might come across.
Oh. He was genuinely surprised at that. She was much closer to his age than he'd originally thought, only a year younger than himself. "Sorry. You just look younger."
Damn, I mean I know the characters were older in the games than the ones of the main line, but Wes and Rui here are a lot older than I'd expected xD I was thinking more 18-20 range myself.
Rui clambered awkwardly out of the sidecar, once again nearly face-planting into the sand as she did so, and followed Wes as they headed into the...whatever this place was.
It was a diner, apparently.
Rui blinked in the dim lighting as she surveyed the dusty interior. This place was very different from home, but it was also very different from Phenac. Most of the places she'd seen had tried to flourish despite the lifeless desert, as if trying to fight against their surroundings and prove to be something more. This place embraced the empty sands, the lawlessness of the desert, and made it a home - a creaky, grimy, dilapidated one, but a home, nonetheless.
That makes sense, Rui thought. She began to feel slightly ashamed of herself for doubting the rogue trainer. So what if he was a little guarded? He'd saved her life in more than one way today, and she ought to be grateful.
Wes removed his blue coat, revealing a black tank top underneath. Rui couldn't help but notice a variety of faint scars across his arms and shoulders; her overwhelming curiosity made her want to ask about them, but she'd gotten the distinct impression that the man hated questions, so instead she held them back.
The room brightened a little as his rings filled with light. He bowed his head, touching his muzzle to Wes' forehead, and a soft hum filled the room. After a brief moment, the sound faded, the lights dimmed, and Wes fell back into peaceful slumber with a quiet sigh.
Well at least I can see why Novo is overprotective like this. It sounds like he worries a lot about Wes' wellbeing and held, understandably enough. I also like the effect of his rings glowing, I feel like that's a detail in umbreons that doesn't get mentioned often.
Rui laughed again. "Come on. You and I both know Pokémon aren't easy to come by. They haven't been since the Kantonian War." The smile faded from her face a little. "I...I don't do Pokémon, anyway."
I love how the start of this section makes Neo more sympathetic by showing how he cares about Wes and Novo and how he likes having someone more upbeat around...only to reveal that he's also pretty arrogant and kind of manipulative, keep doing you Neo.
It was a sight to behold. Her face crumbled, her resolve wilted, and she glanced quickly about before discreetly slipping him a piece of bacon under the table.
True, he did help his brother pressure Wes into stepping in to rescue the girl, but he hadn't expected her to stay. The longer she stayed with them, the greater the anxiety was that he could sense from his trainer. And Novo disliked anyone who set his trainer on edge.
Which was basically everyone that wasn't him and Neo, but that was beside the point.
Not only was he being forced back into his Pokeball for the second time today, he was being booted out of the sidecar? His spot? The spot where he loved to watch the scenery fly by and feel the wind in his fur? All for this -this girl? This girl, of all people?
Okay, so these two chapters presented a shift in the story, by which I mean that the story finally started. The main conceit behind Colosseum was always the shadow pokemon and the fact you essentially had to steal pokemon from the bad guys.
Having said that, it's true that the games never really questioned the fact that you were a trainer stealing pokemon from other trainers too much, instead choosing to focus more on the fact you were freeing this pokemon from trainers that were misusing them. That's why I really like what you did here in trying to question and dive deeper into what it'll mean to save this pokemon. Not only is Wes committing a crime, he's voluntarily doing the same thing he always hated doing, even if he does it for the greater good, that's still requiring him to force himself to throw himself back into the fire and face his trauma.
Rui's and Wes' relationship continues to be one of the main highlights in the story for me and the way that relationship develops and changes is also another aspect these two chapters have in their favor. Their bond was built on a distanced understanding of one another and as they each learn more about the other they're constantly put to the test. Can Wes put aside his desire to leave Orre and face his traumas for the sake of Rui? Can Rui accept Wes and believe that he's no longer the same one that worked under Team Snaggen? I'm curious to see how it keeps developing, especially once they encounter actual Team Snaggen members that might've known Wes in the past.
Another shift in these two chapters was a bigger focus on the battles. We had our first glimpses at shadow pokemon and you did not disappointed. I particularly like the way in which you convey the sheer hatred and fear that these pokemon embody and your description during the battle scenes made it all seem chaotic and almost like the characters were battling against forces of nature that couldn't be stopped. I also like the little twist you threw in of having shadow pokemon attack the trainers as well, it gives the battle an edge and raises the stakes for the characters going into them.
One thing I will note, but that I don't know if you're going to take into account for later is that, while your way of adapting the game has been pretty good so far and you've thrown in some neat new details, I would be intrigued in seeing the story play around with the structure of Colosseum a little bit. What I mean by that is that, it being a game originally means that there's only so much it can do in the vein of wanting to transmit an experience. The storylines it explores, the characters it focuses on, it's all chosen with the purpose of telling a story. So, I'm kind of interested in seeing if you'll come up with even newer ideas or storylines for this story since you have a chance to expand on what was in the
games.
The man that stood before them was tall, lanky, and dressed in some kind of ridiculous bright yellow track suit. His face was covered with gaudy shades, and he was adorned with flashy jewelry. But most noticeable of all was his hair; a massive afro that, for all intents and purposes, looked as though it defied the laws of physics just by how big it was. But the absurdity didn’t stop there - the hair was dyed two colors and split evenly down the middle, one side white, the other a fiery red.
Afro Hair was apparently talking to someone else as he entered. His high, nasally voice carried a lilting accent that was almost as obnoxious as the fluff on his head.
I was super excited for him to show up and how you'll handle his characters since he's easily one of the most famous pokemon characters and one of the highlights of the Orre games. I am happy to say I like your interpretation so far, he's hammy and weird enough to get a laugh out of me but you also highlight just how confident he is in his own abilities that he just walks around like he owns the place. Fun stuff.
He barely had time to react. He ducked and dove to the side, but he wasn’t quite fast enough to dodge the entire blow. The Makuhita’s fist glanced off his right shoulder, and Wes felt something pop, followed by a thrill of pain shooting down his arm as he crashed to the floor.
Ooooff, that one's gonna hurt in the future probably. It makes me wonder how Wes and Rui will handle the tougher shadow pokemon that show up down the line.
Rui continued to stare at him. “You...you just...you just stole-”
Wes didn’t have time for this. He grabbed Rui by the arm and made for the door. “I’ll explain later. But for now we need to get out of-”
“I’m not going ANYWHERE with you!” Rui’s voice was shrill as she wrenched her arm away from him. “Not until you explain to me what just happened! Right now!”
:C poor Wes it really will be interesting to see how he'll deal with telling Rui the rest of the story later on, which I'm sure will be sooner rather than later.
Rui’s expression remained unchanged, but she pursed her lips at this revelation. “Why?” she asked.
“Because he broke one of their rules...I don’t know all the details.” Wes ran a hand through his hair. “I just know that they killed his team and made him watch before they killed him.” Anger started to rise in his chest. Horrifying images, ones that plagued his nightmares, began to flicker across his mind. He shook his head and pushed them back as he took another deep breath.
“Well, isn’t it all so...convenient?” Rui sat up on the bench, angling to face him. “It’s all so circumstantial. Doesn’t it seem like we were meant to meet and maybe...I dunno, join forces?”
Yes, convenient, almost as if it was a game where one character is the one that throws the balls and the other one is the one that tells him where to throw it. Suuuuper convinient.
“Excuse me.” One of the uniformed men stepped up. His face was obscured under a helmet with a dark visor. He wore a scarf around his neck, a crisply fitted button-up uniform, and thick gloves. Every piece of clothing, from his visor to his boots, was a solid oceanic blue. His two companions behind him wore identical uniforms, except that one was in all red, the other all green.
Wes growled in frustration. “For the love of - you know what, I don’t care what you do, just get in there and throw down, and don’t hit the Espeon or Umbreon. Go!”
Three now actually. That's actually another element I liked, while it's true that shadow pokemon in the aren't exactly the best when it comes to control, I like the aspect that they're just murder machines that at most just go in the direction you tell them.
As I noted in my line-by-lines, I did feel like Operation Make Wes an Undercover Agent went a little too smoothly. The first thing I really couldn't get past was him wearing the Snag device into the police station. Like, that's not just jewelry, my friend, and particularly in a town as rowdy as Pyrite it just feels impossible to claim no member of the police force ever has seen the device in action or had it described to them. I'd have been a lot more content if I'd seen Wes taking at least a few precautions before going into the police station.
Hmm I had attempted to establish the fact that The existence of portable Snag machines weren’t common knowledge outside of Snagem, thus the reason why Wes is so shocked that Sherles knows what it is. I either need to hammer this in a little more effectively, or I need to insert a bit where Wes does stow away the Snag machine, only for Sherles to call him out on it because he know Wes has it.
Wes seems a little too open to this. All the sheriff is offering is 'free hotel' and I'll reduce your sentence. He doesn't trust the police at all, so I doubt he'd latch onto a "maybe we'll waive all charges."
I was more going for the “he doesn’t have a choice and this offer isn’t ALL pain and misery so I guess he’ll take it” angle. Maybe I need to emphasize his feelings of being trapped/having no way out a little more?
Neo and Novo bacon scene also had that same mix of surface-level lightness, but sad if you think too long--gorging is a common reaction to abundance if you've been deprived before. And eating until you vomit . . . is not actually super fun.
I’m glad you picked up on this, as I was kind of going for this here! It’s funny and lighthearted on the surface, but there’s definitely some real issues where that came from.
There were a lot of new characters floating around in these chapters, and to be honest, I had trouble keeping track of all the mayor's helpers. The model of 'let's introduce everyone and sit around a table together forming a plan' is more suited to a visual medium where you can physically keep track. I wonder if you could introduce some of these characters as their contributions to the plan become relevant, rather than gathering them all just so they can have no idea until Rui mentions pick-pocketing.
Hnnnnnngh this is been one of the HARDEST things for me with these chapters. I want to introduce these characters and build up a family/squad dynamic, but man it is really difficult when there are so many characters to introduce and I feel rushed to get on with the actual story. Any specific advice for this would be much appreciated.
That strikes me as a little odd after he made such a big deal of "don't mess with my kids"--he's going to let Wes be alone with them first chance he gets?
We're getting a lot of cliches in this description. And they're not great cliches. I know femme fatale is a staple of noir, which you're sort of a toe into here, but these descriptions are pretty flat and dehumanizing. This isn't a person; it's a collection of vamp stereotypes. You can have a character be sexy and into flirting, but if that's literally everything they are, it's kind of icky.
you do have a point, here. I was intentionally leaning into the stereotype, but you’re right that she needs more characterization than just these chapters. Not sure how exactly to go about that with what little screen time she has?
Prose wise, I think it's all pretty decent but I think you strike a better flow when it comes to dialogue and interaction rather than overall description. For example, our view of Phenac City isn't really expanded upon too much, this is specially something I would like more detail on because it's kind of hard to see how Phenac City here can be bigger than the one in the game. That being said, I think that's more of an issue coming over from the game, it being proper 3D and being a city that's pretty tightly structured means that it's a little hard to expand on it. Like, it's hard to imagine how you can add roads in a city that's mostly composed of running rivers and bridges. It'd be nice to get more detail but I won't fault you for it.
Ah yes, scene setting was not my strong suit, especially when starting out. I have plans to come back and revise the first ten or so chapters, particularly where scene setting is involved, though it may not be for a while.
I liked these two chapters a lot more and I think a big part of that can be attributed to Wes and Rui. You convey their relationship in a really cute way, allowing both of their personalities to stand out while also bouncing them off each other. Rui is bright and bubbly and is kind of like a Disney princess in a way, while Wes is a jaded, traumatized trainer trying hard to keep everyone far away. That being said, I do like how they bring out different aspects of each other.
I’m so happy you like their dynamic! To honest, I’m a sucker for this kind of pairing, both romantic and platonic. It’s so much fun to read and write, and paves the way for lots of wholesome moments.
Hahaha omg this made me laugh out loud. XD Missed opportunity? Perhaps. I’ll be honest, when it comes to writing romance, I’m pretty terrible at depicting the physical aspect of the attraction and tend to lean much more heavily into the emotional side of things.
I was super excited for him to show up and how you'll handle his characters since he's easily one of the most famous pokemon characters and one of the highlights of the Orre games. I am happy to say I like your interpretation so far, he's hammy and weird enough to get a laugh out of me but you also highlight just how confident he is in his own abilities that he just walks around like he owns the place. Fun stuff.
All right, let's keep the ball rolling with chapters 7 and 8.
Chapter 7 was a breath of fresh air because as far as I can tell, it's entirely original. In the vein of chapter 4, this one is more centered around the aftermath of chapter 6 and focuses on expanding Wes' and Rui's relationship as they take in all of the changes to their status quo due to the last few revelations.
And when it comes to character interaction I think it excels. Both Rui and Wes are as vulnerable as they've ever been here, with Wes still coming to terms with the past that now he's with Rui for the long run. I particularly like how you delve deeper into his trauma with Team Snaggen and especially how Rui helps him feel a little better by being there for him and making him know that he's no longer alone.
I'm also even more intrigued on the full details behind Wes' backstory. Who's the guy that Snaggen killed? How did he change or influence Wes? I don't know if he's an original character but either way I'll be interested to learn more on his identity and relationship with Wes.
Lastly I liked the subtle worldbuilding in this chapter. We get more details on what the Kanto War left behind in Orre and we also find out about Noctis Mortem, a new detail I certainly didn't expect. It is a good way to explain why Orre always felt so barren though, no wild pokemon cause of the wild and a small population because of the effects of Noctis. It's also very topical considering what's been going on in the world but I don't know if you did that parallel on purpose or not.
Chapter 8 finally brings us to Pyrite, where I'm sure we'll find out even more about our aloof protagonist and his past. I think you do a good job fo embodying the lawlessness that surrounds this city, highlighted even more by the fact that people are battling with shadow pokemon without truly knowing how dangerous they are. I did find it interesting that you didn't have Wes battle and catch them, but it makes complete sense. Wes can't afford to stop at every trainer and steal their pokemon like he does in the games, plus the story's pacing would fall very quickly.
The little detail about Rui's past was also a welcomed addition, I wonder what pokemon she had and exactly what happened to it. It'd be...ironic if the pokemon was stolen by Team Snaggen, or maybe even Wes himself. That'll make for some sweet sweet drama.
Your addition of Cail is also on point, he's as slimy as you'd expect from a character like him and I'm interested in seeing how he and Wes will clash later on in this arc. I'm coming in thinking that maybe he's a sort of "rival" to him so it'll be nice to see how that pans out.
The end of the chapter is certainly a cliffhanger. I'm actually surprised that Pyrite's officers, or at least its head detective, seem to be more competent than they first let on, though it does make sense that Sherle would be able to tell who Wes is, I mean he must've been around Pyrite a lot. But it does make me wonder what he'll do. Will he turn Wes in? Is he in with Snaggen? Or will he actually ask Wes to help take care of the shadow pokemon.
"How do you know that?" Rui looked at him with fearful eyes, the dying light of the sunset fading behind her. "How do we know there aren't still traces of - of the-"
Noctis. He'd been so young when the mysterious illness swept through Orre and devastated its population, but he'd heard the stories plenty of times from older adults at Snagem. They spoke of its effects, how it turned one's skin as white as a sheet and blackened their eyes and veins until they looked like a corpse, how the seizures and screams of agony would last for hours, sometimes days, before death took them.
Next was Novo. Wes hadn't got a good look at the Umbreon before returning him, so he wasn't sure what to expect - and he certainly wasn't prepared to see blood dribbling down his foreleg. Novo looked up into Wes' eyes with a weak mew. "Bri."
He tried and failed to quash the guilt screaming at him from inside. These people were too innocent, too kind, too trusting...why hadn't they learned by now? Didn't they know better?
Not everyone is a jaded criminal. However, I do like this mentality Wes has here. It's clear that he doesn't want to be there at all, but what can he do.
The scene changed. Desert shrubs and sands blurred together and were replaced with a dark, blood spattered room. The lifeless bodies of several Pokémon were strewn across the room, and one man was slumped on the floor against the wall, his breaths rattling painfully in his chest.
A lump formed in his throat and he immediately swallowed it. He crushed the broken feeling rising in his chest. He would not cry, dammit, he would not. Not now, not ever, and especially not in front of this girl, this stranger.
To cry was to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable was to be weak, and weakness was -
Don't Wes! You're falling into toxic masculinity. I do hope he learns that it's okay for him to let himself show weakness, even though I understand it'll be pretty hard.
Several Trainers around the battle yelled and dove for cover as lightning bolts and psychic blasts shot from the ring and into surrounding buildings. Fluff and feathers flew; the two Trainers shouted helplessly at their raging Pokémon, but both of them were now beyond reason. The Ledyba and Shroomish, temporarily forgotten, exchanged a glance and cautiously edged away from the scuffle.
I honestly laughed at this. I just imagined the two shadow pokemon going at each other and then Ledyba and Shroomish just glancing at each other and then slowly moving away from the whole thing.
Suddenly Rui's intense hatred for Pokémon thieves, her disdain for the police, and her obnoxious sense of justice made much more sense to him. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.
Sherles nodded again. "Well. That sounds about right with the reports we've been receiving here in Pyrite. However..." he leaned forward slightly, fixing Wes with that impenetrable stare of his. "I'd like you to tell me how you got those Pokémon."
In which Wes finally realizes what he's gotten himself into.
I like the parallels running through this chapter--we really get to see how out-of-place Wes is. It's a little tragic too, since the things that are making him feel uncomfortable are ... having food and being in the presence of a loving family. There's a weird disconnect between him and Duking that I'm hoping eventually gets bridged; Duking obviously resents him, but at the same time Duking is just so isolated from the way that Pyrite is suffering. Everyone laughing at silly Neo for gorging himself on bacon kind of drove that home for me. On one hand, well-fed and well-loved but silly pets will sometimes do it of their own volition; on the other hand, that's a trait that's common in animals and humans who are starved repeatedly (usually as children). Nods to Novo's food aggression and Wes stuffing bread rolls in his pockets suggest that Neo's behavior here is of a similar vein--which makes Rui and the kids laughing all the more sad for them.
And this dovetailed nicely into Wes and Rui going back on the streets, back into Wes' comfort zone. Super interesting that the cops don't have a plan here and yet they're on board with pickpocketing as soon as it's suggested--at this rate I feel like they'll end up just roping in the entire Pyrite underground given how open they are to picking up children? Did they not think of this earlier and do they not have better ways of taking pokemon from trainer than by enlisting the random pickpocket that Wes and Rui happened to meet? There's a definite trend of government incompetence here, and I wonder at some point what story purpose they serve; they make for good frenemies for Wes, but the deeper themes of their disconnect/inability to deal with Pyrite's issues continues to lurk in the background.
Emok is interesting! I'm a little leery of the curvy seductress archetype, and a bit moreso with how Rui is immediately like "grrr must destroy" (girl. focus on the waterfall mayor who's blackmailing your friend and eating pancakes while the city starves or like, the people who put you in a sack). In this chapter, it feels like Emok's stuck in the same boat as Wes/pickpocket boy, except she has to like, swim in heels when it sinks or something. I'm curious what information she has, what questions they'll ask her, if she'll answer truthfully--Wes has this strange habit of being distrustful to everyone except for the people who would logically lie to him, but I like the idea of honor among thieves/street kids seeing a bit eye-to-eye here. There's a definite divide in Pyrite, and I think we're beginning to see that Wes is more comfortable on one side than the other (and that one side is way more comfortable with him than the other).
The battle at the end of this chapter was rough to watch--I was screaming at Wes that no, you can't just throw them into a fight :(((( and it pays off with horrible consequences for the pokemon, poor babies. Zazo deserves better. I do like how this sets up a bit of an idea for stakes/what kinds of battles are traditionally seen as too harsh/too extreme vs which ones are #justShadowPokemonThings vs which ones are Team Cipher out for blood--gives a better sense of scale for where the line is drawn.
Interesting author's note at the end! I think the setup helps a lot and I wasn't bothered by it, but I agree with your assessment--the meat of Colo as a story is about the shadow pokemon, and the pieces are finally moving into place to start looking at them a bit more clearly. Lovely chapter here, and looking forward to reading more!
Secc's voice sounded from where he stood near the stove, scrambling eggs in a large pan.
"I put the plate over there, on the counter." Marci was busy flipping pancakes next to her father and made a vague gesture to the other end of the kitchen; Wes did a double take at the sight of the massive mayor in a flowery apron and wondered for half a second if he was in a bizarre dream.
Hard to picture this one too, since both Marci and Secc are doing stove activities, but they're also far apart from one another? Is the implication that Duking is rich enough for two stoves + his waterfall?
I think the semicolon here is kind of unnecessary (coming from me, I know!). But as a sentence the second one stands better on its own, especially since the topic changes so dramatically from Marci to pancakes to father to kitchen to Wes back to father--I'd just put a period between kitchen/Wes.
I probably should've pointed this out a lot earlier! But interrupted dialogue like this uses an em dash (—) instead of a hyphen (-). Alternatively you can use a double hyphen (--) as shorthand for the em dash if you're too lazy to find it (I do this all the time), or the alt code is ALT+0151.
> "I don't see it—"
Also, did they like, hide the plate? lol. smart boiz
Comedically I get this, but spatially it's hard to picture how you could beam at everyone except one person. Maybe the smile falters as his gaze passes over Wes or something?
He quietly dished some food onto his plate, and when nobody was looking, stashed some biscuits in his pocket, just in case; rule number one of his upbringing had been to never pass up an opportunity for a meal, whether current or future.
He may have been likely to stay here for a while and receive regular meals in the process, but nothing in life was certain. That was another thing his childhood had taught him.
:(
As above, I like what this says about him. I do think it's a bit redundant--I think you could condense this down to "... rule number one of his upbringing had been to never pass up an opportunity for a meal, current or future. Nothing in life was certain."
Likewise I thought this line is interesting for what it doesn't say about Rui--I feel like culturally if so many people died of Noctis there'd be an unspoken tribal knowledge that the relatives we don't talk about are probably dead? Like Wes, Rui's familiar with it as a concept and it's affected her personally, so it's hard to think that she wouldn't expect this (especially after having a similar conversation with Wes).
Rui insisted they give the other Pokémon breakfast before heading to meet with Sherles. Wes agreed on the condition they do so outside once again; he didn't trust one of them not to snap and go berserk, and he was already on rocky enough terms with the mayor without being responsible for the destruction of his house.
Kohna relaxed a little, though she stil raised a hind leg to scratch obsessively behind her ear. Maku simply stared, while Croconaw huffed and leered at him.
This sequence was a bit tricky! Since there are like 7 characters to keep track of. I think you fall into the Kingdom Hearts trap (Sora, Donald, and Goofy!) where you cut over to a particular group of people and describe what all three of them are doing. It gets a little repetitive, especially since their reactions stay pretty consistent--"Maku simply stared" happens twice in a few paragraphs, for example, and a lot of the lines here are Kohna shifting nervously, Maku staring, and Croconaw ready for a fight.
Paradoxically I think it'd help to narrow down reactions and focus on one or two characters at a time rather than treating them as a lump--perhaps not revisiting each character as frequently, so that the scene doesn't stretch out as much.
Once greetings had more or less been exchanged, Rui helped Wes break out the food and sat beside him as the team ate. He took extra care to keep everyone apart as they are, just in case one of them had any food aggression
"You don't understand, Wes - I've had this gift of seeing aura all my life, and was always treated differently because of it. And now I've found a real use for it, a way that I can not only help Pokémon, but people, too." She turned her head back to the road in front of them. "And if I can help with this investigation...maybe I can prevent other Trainers from experiencing what I did. Maybe I can actually do something."
I might be misremembering, but have people treated her differently for seeing aura? It doesn't seem like something anyone would know unless she trusted them with the information--and like, totally wouldn't put it past Rui to trust the wrong people with that information, but how would they treat her differently?
He straightened out his rumpled shirt, and Wes noticed his trembling fingers, the barely restrained tears in his eyes. The ripped and smudged clothes, the greasy hair, and the boy's thin frame were all a dead giveaway to his life on the streets.
I'd maybe space this out a bit. The ambiguity for Wes/the boy is nice for what it parallels between them, but I think it's more impactful if the narration treats them as separate.
> As the boy straightened out his rumpled shit, Wes noticed the kid's trembling fingers, the barely restrained tears in his eyes. Now that there was some distance between them, the other details were clearer too. Ratty clothes, greasy hair, thin frame--dead giveaways for someone who'd grown up on the streets.
I'm also not sure what he was expecting here? Pickpockets in Pyrite would presumably also be homeless/not have many other options, right? I wonder if it's more that he's just processing what's going on rather than processing that the kid grew up on the streets.
There's a bit of a trend in this section where Rui does something social, Wes does something asocial, and then Rui prods Wes to be social--I'd maybe cut one or two of those? Either stands well on its own.
He'd made a point to keep his Pokémon in their balls as they watched. Having a Pokémon by one's side was a common enough occurrence in Phenac, but in Pyrite, it was only an invitation for unwanted attention; at best, a Trainer wanting a battle, and at worst, Pokémon traffickers looking for new targets.
I feel like you'd actually have a better shot if your pokemon are out of their balls if you're worried about theft, especially for smaller ones like Neo and Novo--this chapter makes it clear that pickpockets exist and that Emok can see Wes' pokeballs from wherever he has them. And if a trafficker is going to attack you on the street in broad daylight, you're probably screwed, but I feel like you'd be less screwed than if you didn't have your pokemon out?
I think this could be worked around again with the "Espeon and Umbreon are uniquely rare species in Orre" angle--that way, there's a benefit to hiding them + relying on the hope that people won't flag him as having something worth stealing.
"I'll call them off if it gets too heated," Wes replied as they walked to the yellow circle. "Worst case scenario, I'll have to forfeit and we still get to see what she knows."
"That's not the worst case scenario and you know it."
I'm Team Rui here! Plus aren't they at all concerned that someone is looking for the stolen pokemon? Public battles using the stolen merch seem like a dangerous proposition if they're trying to keep their heads low.
"As you can tell, we're about to have a battle. I know this is your first time with me, but I promise if you just listen to what I tell you, you'll be okay. Alright?"
I like how this backfired here--I was going to ask how he was so certain that she knew how to battle, what battling was, what techniques to use; plus it's super risky to just throw her in unprepared without even knowing that she can't use fire-type moves! Poor Kohna always getting the short end of the sticks here.
Hm, I can't think of what that chapter title refers to. Anyway--more of Wes settling in, or rather, not settling in. Lots of people being happy around him while he is not. This chapter felt a little like a retread of the last one to me. I wonder if chapters 10, 11, and 12 couldn't be condensed a bit. They all seem to revolve around: Wes realizes the shadow pokemon are more messed up than he expects, the pick-pocket boy plan, and the mayor's bustling house. One thing I'm confused by plotwise--a strategy like challenge people with shadow pokemon to a battle and then have a pickpocket steal it isn't a plan that really seems to rely on his Snag device or have much to do with the infiltration plan mentioned earlier. I was surprised when Wes continues to be extremely surprised pikachu face when the shadow pokemon go on rampage during the battles. I'm not sure what else he expects at this point, especially if he picked the one who is most inclined to aggression. I would have liked to see a bit more of Wes trying to interact with them, or at least try things like teach them normal moves. Can they do them in practice, but then abandon them in the heat of battle? Pokemon POV might be a nice way to add some variety to this chapter. Mentioned more below, but I'm curious to see what Neo/Novo think of the shadow pokemon and any interactions they've had.
Wes has been pretty visibly battling with shadow pokemon twice now in the center of Pyrrite. I can't imagine that no one has noticed--I feel like the other shoe has to drop soon. I wonder why he isn't more worried about that . . .
Not that Leo wasn't used to it; ugly bruises, bloody scrapes, and deep cuts had become a regular part of his daily life since he'd been recruited to the team.
Something I wanted to adress, and this is as good a place as any--you've got a lot of semicolons, and a lot of the time they appear in places that aren't wrong, per say, but also don't really need that close pause. Maybe something to pay attention to in the future! Semicolons are a great bit of punctuation, but like all good things, are best when used sparing. These sentences with a normal period linkage read perfectly fine to me:
Not that Leo wasn't used to it. Ugly bruises, bloody scrapes, and deep cuts had become a regular part of his daily life since he'd been recruited to the team.
Hm, I'm with you in the first clause, but I'm not quite sure what "both fully aware and tired of his own self" means, or what Wes is seeing that gives him that impression.
Leo glanced at Flick and reached out to stroke her fur, being careful to avoid the sharp spines along her back. Flick raised her head and chirped at him, then rested her head in his lap, which brought a smile to his face.
The busy, messy kitchen that was always full of food, the cozy living room that held odd messes of homework papers and kids' games, the constant sound of laughter and conversation that could be heard from anywhere in the house...all of these signs practically screamed the same message to him, over and over: You don't belong here.
They were behaving well enough so far, though on more than one occasion he'd caught Nani eyeing the family Plusle, Plu, as though trying to determine if he was an appropriate snack size. Rui said he was just being paranoid, but Wes trusted the Croconaw about as far as he could throw her - in other words, not at all, considering she'd bite his arms off first.
Oof. Very fair. I'm amazed they're letting the shadow pokemon out in the house at all, or that the mayor dude is good with this. Surely he knows that something could go wrong in an instant, and if it did, his precious kids could be savaged? He's putting a lot of trust in . . . Wes, the person he seems to deeply distrust.
Despite his relief at having less people at the table this time around, however, he was acutely aware of Rui's absence this morning. She often chatted enough for the both of them, and Wes hadn't realized how much he'd relied on her being somewhat of a buffer between him and unwanted conversation.
That rings really true, and is a nice moment in how they can support each other. Wes can fend off physical attacks; Rui can fend off the dreaded . . . conversation.
Wes paused and shot another glance at his team over his shoulder; Novo had finished his meal already and was now playfully tussling with Neo while Kohna and Nani watched with varying expressions, Kohna looking faintly terrified and Nani looking disdainful.
Another place where I don't think the semicolon is really the best punctuation. They usually indicate parallelism, and that second sentence is quite hefty.
It would be nice to have a little more here, to show us Wes is trying. Staring outside--could indicate a desire to go outside. Has Wes tried opening the window, asking Maku if he'd like to take a walk? Or is this more of a Novo: I must watch stance, which Wes would probably recognize.
The sleek black and white design was one thing, but he could tell from the material that this was not just an ordinary bag; it was specifically created with capsule technology, a highly sought-after feature that allowed items to be stored in massive quantities.
Huh, I feel like something like that would be hella expensive--Orre seems lowtech, and Pyrrite in particular. Is Johnson super rich to spend that money casually?
But I'm not a volunteer, I didn't sign up for this, I'm not…I don't...
Something incredibly heavy and unpleasant weighed in Wes' chest, making him feel as though he might sink through the floor. It pulled at him from the inside like a dull, persistent ache, twisting his stomach into knots, and felt remarkably like…
An agitated bark from the living room interrupted the conversation; Neo was bouncing playfully around Nani as she snapped at him in a rage, his paws just barely dancing out of reach of her furious jaws. Novo yapped at him in distress, glancing from his brother to Wes in a plea for intervention.
Rui grinned at Wes as they made their way through town to continue their search for their pickpocket, Neo weaving between them and Novo trotting faithfully beside his Trainer.
Even after several days of searching, they'd been unable to find much of anything in terms of the boy or strange Pokémon.
Wes tried to ignore the knot in his stomach at the mention of the bag; he hated to even look at the thing, but he couldn't very well refuse to use it without looking ungrateful or raising suspicion.
"S-sorry!" Rui giggled, shaking her head. "I've just never seen someone so amazed at the idea of trees and waterfalls!" She smirked at him. "It's rather adorable."
Wes bit out a curse and tore after him, Neo hot on his heels; he shouted for Novo to stay with Rui as the rest of the kids yelled and scattered and he heard Rui shout his name behind him, but his sole focus was on the boy scrambling through the inside of the hut.
He was suspended in the air, encased in a blue bubble of Psychic energy, thrashing and snarling as Neo yapped and bounced around beneath him in a springy sort of victory dance. "Esp! Esp! Esp!"
"Right, Nani, this is your first official battle with me, so be sure to listen carefully, alright?"
The Croconaw leered at him, and Wes began to wonder if he hadn't made a huge mistake in choosing her. Of all his Pokémon, Nani was far and away the most difficult for him to manage; while Maku was compliant and Kohna was eager to please, Nani had made it clear that she would rather call her own shots, thank you very much.
Nani seemed to have very suddenly and conveniently regained her hearing. Instead of rushing to Neo's aid, however, she took her time in swaggering over to her teammate, chest puffed outwards in some sort of display of bravado.
This construction is a little awkward. Does the blood belong to the noctowl? What's the connection between it being stained red and it having sent droplets of blood around the ring?
13. Evolution Stories
NEO AND NOVO POV YES THANK YOU!
This was such a pleasant surprise! It fits in really nicely here after you teased the stories during the meal conversation. Falling out of a tree and a . . . fight. You did a good job showing that Wes wasn't giving the full story with that latter one, but I didn't expect to actually get the full story, and straight out of the horse's--er, umbreon's mouth too. Neo's story was super sweet, and I love how Wes probably has no idea why Neo actually evolved. 'He fell out of a tree and evolved : shrug : just Neo things, you know?' Meanwhile Neo here like 'I evolved when I heard him laugh ❤ ❤' The wholesome evolution there made an effective contrast to Novo's story, which is far more grim. My poor watchful baby. Novo at his core truly is "protecc" and so this story felt very fitting. I had a few qualms about how the actual scene played out--I don't see why Wes wouldn't have called out Neo way earlier--maybe they do something that makes that impossible? Ooh. For extra Novo feels, what if they grab him and then have Wes toss over Neo's ball to stop Novo from getting hurt? That would be evil though. I was intrigued by the way you described Neo's shadowy rage--it seemed quite similar to what the shadow pokemon experience! Is this something inherent in pokemon that can be brought out by abuse or strong emotion? Either way, I wonder if this experience means Novo can empathize to some extent with what the shadow pokemon are experiencing when they enter their rages. I would love to see Novo interacting with the shadow pokemon from his POV. Can he communicate with them? I feel like it's a great opportunity for some extra uncanny valley--the shadow pokemon must be pretty unnerving to Novo and Neo.
And so it was that, on this particular day as he, his brother, and his Trainer sat outside a short distance from the Snagem base in the shade of a large desert shrub, he pranced about with glee.
We still haven't gotten the story of how he ended up with two fancy pokemon! I'd imagine in a snagger base people have a lot of opportunities to get rare pokemon, so it's interesting to see this as a point of jealousy.
"I don't have anything to prove to you," Wes bit back. His hands were curled into fists at his sides now as he openly glared at Sage. "You're just a bunch of low-lives who pick on smaller, younger targets to make yourselves feel better. You're pathetic."
Hm, I wonder if Wes wouldn't have learned by now not to deliberately antagonize people at the base when they outnumber him. This seems to not fit his survival instincts.
The teen screamed in pain and lashed out at the Eevee, his fists berating every inch of Novo's small body. Novo simply sank his fangs deeper, bracing himself against the painful blows -
I found this hard to picture/follow. Smol eevee bites calf. How does teen beat every inch of his body? I feel like the normal response would be to shake the biting pokemon off your leg or pull it off. It's physically difficult to beat something that's clinging to your leg.
Novo shook himself and looked up to find his Trainer standing over him, eyes burning furiously, fist still raised from the devastating punch he had landed on Sage's jaw.
Hm, stretches suspension of disbelief for me that Wes, who is smaller and younger could do a punch that sends Sage "careening" across the sand. Smaller people can win fights, but I don't think they win them like that.
"Well, I didn't want your little pets to get in my way, did I? Speaking of which..." Sage's eyes flicked to the Pokeball on Wes' belt where Neo was contained. He addressed his lackeys.
Yeahhh, I'm really unsure why Wes wouldn't have called Neo out when this altercation began? Like, he has to know how this ends. Especially when he starts insulting them.
I wonder if it makes sense for Novo's POV to underscore their lack of humanity specifically, since he's not human himself. Could barely call themselves people?
His fangs flashed. His claws shredded. A strange dark energy was pulsing from him, knocking the thugs backward just before he ripped into each of them with savage pleasure. Their screams turned from ones of rage, to ones of pain, and then to ones of absolute terror.
Novo turned his head to find his Trainer slumped in the sand, his face almost completely slathered in scarlet. Blood was streaming from his mouth and nose, but most concerning was the horrifying gash across the boy's face that ran from one cheekbone to the other.
Hmm I had attempted to establish the fact that The existence of portable Snag machines weren’t common knowledge outside of Snagem, thus the reason why Wes is so shocked that Sherles knows what it is. I either need to hammer this in a little more effectively, or I need to insert a bit where Wes does stow away the Snag machine, only for Sherles to call him out on it because he know Wes has it.
Oh, I wasn't aware there was a portable/nonportable distinction. How does nonportable snagging work?
Since Sherles already has pics of him, I don't think he needs to see the Snag machine for the scene to work. Wes can even be extra cocky cause he's hidden the snag machine and then--oops, secret informant.
I was more going for the “he doesn’t have a choice and this offer isn’t ALL pain and misery so I guess he’ll take it” angle. Maybe I need to emphasize his feelings of being trapped/having no way out a little more?
Yeah, it just still felt to me like a situation where he could book it if he had too. Or like . . . why not agree but fully intend to book it later when there's a good opportunity? Then we could have him slowly changing his mind as he grows more comfortable in this situation and doesn't want to leave it--for me that's a more satisfying arc than him being totally down from the moment the offer is made. Can't be tempted by a cozy home life you don't have any experience with!
Hnnnnnngh this is been one of the HARDEST things for me with these chapters. I want to introduce these characters and build up a family/squad dynamic, but man it is really difficult when there are so many characters to introduce and I feel rushed to get on with the actual story. Any specific advice for this would be much appreciated.
I think I'll have to see what role each of them end up playing in the plot/plan before I can give you anything too actionable, unfortunately. Johnson has felt kind of superfluous to me so far.
you do have a point, here. I was intentionally leaning into the stereotype, but you’re right that she needs more characterization than just these chapters. Not sure how exactly to go about that with what little screen time she has?
Well, asking who is she? what does she want? why does she behave the way she does? makes a good start I think. I find that when I have a sense of who a character is outside their role in that particular part of the story, they can be pretty distinct even if screen time is limited. It's kind of about the fact that all characters should be the MC of their own story, even if they're an NPC in yours. Concrete details that are incongruous are another good shorthand. But also, dialing back the purr/smirk stuff would help, as well as Rui's kind of exaggerated reactions. Rui's not upset when a pickpocket boy screams obscenities at her, but enters a rage when a street girl flirts with Wes? It's kind of ugly.
So like, let's start with why someone would wear skin-tight clothing when it's obviously uncomfortable and equally obviously makes you a target in the kind of city where people leer at Rui on the streets. Maybe it's to be a target--so people take her less seriously and aren't on their guard. That's a legit reason. But if that's the case, why do all that with Wes? It seems like they tentatively trust each other. So you could show them coming upon her in the middle of some flirt thing, but when she starts talking to Wes, it's all business. That would establish some nuance fairly quickly. Some details about how they met each other could help--or! Something surprising. She could be friends with Novo or something. That would be an easy way to telegraph some mutual respect. Or--Wes once saw some people harrassing her in a backalley and started to intervene bc oops he actually is a big damn hero but bigger whoops, she actually had it under control and gives him shit for it. But later she helped him out when he was in a sticky spot. And now their in-joke is "I was handling it." Or--I think you get the picture.
