Pokémon Of Sand and Shadows

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, it’s been a while, but I got a prize review for three chapters of OSAS put in my docket as part of RB5 and I figured that you’d been waiting long enough for some signs of life on that front. As I’m sure you’ve seen from my prior reviews, my normal reviewing style is pretty uncompressed, so today I’ll just be covering the first of the three chapters from my end with…

Chapter 3

Spoiler: Colosseum/XD Spoilers Ahoy!

Sunlight streamed down on the whitewashed streets and sparkling fountains, and there was no respite from the blinding brightness and burning heat as Wes and his Pokémon walked with Rui to the mayor's home. The girl certainly noticed this, as she commented for what must have been the fourth time on how beautiful the city was.

"I haven't been to Phenac in a long time, but it's even more beautiful than I remember!" she said in awe. "It's so lovely!"

I mean, considering the competition that Phenac has in Orre for “photogenic towns”... yeah, it more or less wins by default unless you’re just really a ‘tree’ person.

Wes shot her a look—or tried to, but ended up looking over her head. He had to drop his gaze significantly to actually make eye contact. Arceus, this girl was small. Just how old was she, anyway?

"Not for years," she said. She still wore a small smile on her face as she talked. "I was just a kid the last time I was here." Her attention shifted to the Eeveelutions striding at Wes' side. "What are their names?" she asked lightly.

Oh, so Pokémon being named is common in this setting. I mean, I suppose that I already knew that Neo and Novo were named and that literal whos nickname their Pokémon through Nameless, but it’s nice to have confirmation.

"The Espeon is Neo, and the Umbreon is Novo," he said. She already knew his name, so he figured the names of his Pokémon were inconsequential information to give out at this point.

"They're beautiful Pokémon!" Rui exclaimed, admiring Novo's sleek black coat. Neo looked over his shoulder and chirped happily at the compliment. He was always pleased to be acknowledged.

Neo: “*I like her, Wes! Let’s bring her along on our journey!*”
Wes: “Oh for crying out loud…”

Wes felt a prickle of unease at her comment. He was painfully aware of Neo and Novo's rare species being capable of drawing attention. Fortunately, in a place like Phenac, rare Pokémon weren't an unusual sight; Wes had seen plenty of Pokémon in his days at Snagem, but even he couldn't identify half the Pokémon trotting at their trainers' heels in this city.

Huh. I wonder if that implies that as a snagger that Wes was tasked to bag specific species of Pokémon to bring back to Team Snagem, since you’d think that someone who by trade stole Pokémon from other people would be a bit more in-tune with different species and techniques so as to avoid getting caught off-guard.

Not that showing off had ever been Wes' motivator for keeping his Pokémon out. Neo and Novo were security, an extra set of eyes, and even though Wes hated the awed looks they received from passersby, it was a necessary precaution with Snagem on his tail.

Novo: “*Also, because we need to do some things differently from the original games, so… yeah, following Pokémon’s as good a place to start as any.*”

Neo strayed to a nearby waterfall and swiped a paw through the water before bounding playfully back to Novo, who greeted him with an affectionate headbutt. Rui giggled and looked back up at Wes.

"So...Wes, was it? Where are you from?

"Nowhere, really."

Though from what I’ve heard through the grapevine of what happened in Wes’ childhood, I don’t blame him for not wanting to really talk about it.

"Oh? Did you move around a lot?"

[ ]

"...yeah."

"That's so fascinating! I've only ever lived in the same town my whole life, so I haven't been to many places."

Obviously, Wes thought dryly.

Given that Wes visibly hesitates before giving his reply to Rui there, I wonder if it’d have made sense to show off a bit more of his internal thought process here, since the dialogue reads as if he had something come to his mind from Rui’s question but we don’t really get to see it.

"So was there a reason for you moving so much? Was it for your parents' work?" Those blue eyes sparkled excitedly as she talked to him.

Too many questions. Nervousness flitted about in his chest. She was entirely too curious, and every question was making him feel more and more threatened.

I kinda wonder if this “making him feel more threatened” would work better as something that’s ‘shown’ more in the sense of what concrete things he feels threatened by. Like is Wes worried about Rui outing his background? Is she getting too close to traumatic life events? Stuff like that.

The familiar, growly voice rang in his head again. The best lies are half-truths, boy.

"I sort of...grew up on the streets, actually," he answered hesitantly.

Rui's eyes widened and the brightness vanished from her eyes. "Oh." She dropped her gaze to the ground. "Oh. I'm...I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

Boy, Wes’ childhood really must’ve been quite crap if this is the half-truth version of events.

An awkward pause. Taking advantage of the silence to divert the attention away from himself, Wes curtly asked, "And you?"

"Oh, I'm from Agate Village!" She looked up at him again, appearing relieved to be talking about something else. "It's absolutely beautiful there—have you ever been?"

"No."

I see that Wes isn’t much of a people person. Or at least not at this point in time. :V

[ ]

"Well, you should definitely visit sometime. It's completely different from anywhere else in Orre!"

How would you know?

IMO, it might make sense to show off a bit more of Rui’s reaction to Wes here, since I assume that she was probably taken aback a bit by how bluntly he just ‘no’s her question here.

Though I wonder if that inner thought implies something about Wes’ childhood home. Maybe I’m thinking a bit too hard about things, but it almost reads as if he’s saying that the place he grew up from wasn’t all that different from Agate Village.

He was momentarily saved from the agonizing small talk as they rounded a corner and the marketplace came into view. The place was crowded with people and Pokémon alike, dotted with vibrant colors of foreign Pokémon and their trainers. Open-air shops under white canopies lined both sides of the street and offered a wide variety of products that could be found nowhere else in Orre: fresh fruit, imported goods, and a wide variety of fabrics, amongst other things. Vendors, citizens and tourists alike bustled from one booth to the next, and the air was buzzing with snippets of conversation here and there.

Ah yes, cue the theme song for this moment. So are they also going to troll the Castform trainer and get him to wait to the point where it looks like his Castform is chasing him around?

"Aguav berries! Hondew berries! Come and get your exotic berries here!"

"How much for this bag?"

"Forty Poké? That's entirely too much, I won't go above thirty!"

"...Wow," Rui breathed in amazement. She quietly soaked in the scene for a moment as they walked, and Wes huffed a sigh of gratitude for the reprieve. It didn't last long, however, because soon she was tugging on Wes' sleeve.

"Hey, do you think they'll have Pokéballs here?"

I admittedly did a double-take here, since at first I thought that this scene was meant to be written explicitly from Wes’ perspective but we just veered into Rui’s here. Like it works if you’re doing omniscient perspective, but I do wonder if in that case, there should’ve been a bit more of Rui’s perspective earlier on to make it obvious that this isn’t third-person limited narration from Wes’ perspective.

Wes frowned at her. Pokéballs? This girl was just getting weirder and weirder by the minute. "Phenac doesn't sell Pokéballs anywhere."

Not yet, anyways. That’s more a luxury Michael will get to enjoy. Though I did always find it weird that you could only get them from that one guy who runs the diner in Colosseum.

Rui sighed in disappointment. "They didn't have them in Pyrite, either...oh!" She gasped and was momentarily distracted by a woman who swept past with a sleek, purple-coated feline at her heels. "I've never seen that Pokémon before!"

I’d make a snarky quip about how Rui really hasn’t gotten around in life, but then I remembered that wild Pokémon are canonically close to nonexistent in Orre, so this is significantly more manageable than one would think for someone who’s lived most of their life in Agate Village.

Wes, however, was still fixated on the first half of her statement. "Pyrite?" he asked in disbelief.

He glanced at her outfit: she wore a frilly pink and blue jacket over a dark purple tank top, a white pencil skirt, and pink rubber boots. He had a hard time picturing this girl, neatly dressed and put together as she was, wandering the ragged streets of Pyrite. Not to mention that her bubbly disposition would have stuck out like a sore thumb.

Wes: “(Actually, on second thought, maybe I can imagine her on the streets of Pyrite… for all of like five minutes before those two dweebs stuffed her into a sack.)” [lyleunamused]

"Yeah." Rui clasped her hands behind her back and kicked idly at a pebble as they walked. "That's where I was when those two thugs..." She trailed off, a troubled expression overtaking her face.

"That's where you got kidnapped," finished Wes bluntly. That didn't surprise him in the least. Pyrite was not known for its upstanding citizens, after all.

Rui nodded, her gaze still fixed on the sidewalk.

I was joking with that cutaway gag.

"So, let me get this straight. You're not a trainer. Yet you left your hometown and wandered to Pyrite Town, of all places, to look for Pokéballs...in a region that doesn't have wild Pokémon."

Rui gave a weak laugh and looked at Wes with a wan smile. "Well, when you put it like that, it sounds pretty dumb. But that's the truth, I promise."

Wes:

“Yeah, okay lady, but since we’re on this topic…”

"Well, what in Mew's name do you need Pokéballs for?"

"It's for my grandpa," she said. "He's a former Ace trainer, and he's been teaching some of the kids in our village about becoming trainers."

Wes: “... Have you ever heard about this thing called the ‘internet’? You can just buy stuff through it and have it shipped to your door.”

Rui: “Look, the narrative this story is based around was written in the early 2000s, alright? And just how reliable do you think that parcel delivery services are in Orre of all regions?” >_>;

"Pokéballs are useless if there aren't Pokémon to catch them with," said Wes dryly.

"Well, you see, Papi—my grandpa—he's hopeful!" Some of the brightness had returned to Rui's eyes. "There have been rumors of wild Pokémon sightings around the area up north, so he thinks they might be migrating back into the region!"

Oh, so we are getting some Spanish/Latino influence in this story. Though I suppose you can’t say that it’s not fitting for the region that mainlines the Arizona vibes. So when can I expect that Día de Muertos special to pop up?

Though for the record, if that’s indeed what you’re going for, unless if you’re very deliberately giving off the vibe of Rui’s grandfather being her surrogate father (since “papí” is a phrase equivalent to “daddy” in Spanish), you’d want Rui to be saying “abuelo” here. Or if trying to preserve the same cutesier vibe as “papi/daddy”, “abuelito”.

Also, nice call forward to XD’s Poké Spots, since… yeah, even if it’s still pathetically limited by the standards of a normal region, there are actual wild encounters in that game.

"First of all, those are just rumors. Second, are you telling me he sent you to get Pokéballs instead of going himself?"

Rui pursed her lips. "W-well. Not exactly."

"'Not exactly?' The hell does that mean?"

Wes: “Okay, seriously, you can’t just pepper me with questions and not expect me to return the favor. What’s the story behind why you’re getting these Pokéballs and not your old man?” >:|

She averted his gaze. "I did volunteer to go, but...Papi wouldn't have it. He said it was too dangerous. But he's not exactly young and spry, no matter how much he might think he is, and it had me worried…” she said, trailing off. “Besides, I'd been wanting an excuse to see the world outside Agate anyway, but no matter what I said, he wouldn't listen, and—"

She stopped short, as if to catch herself from rambling, then scowled.

"So I just went anyway," she said flatly.

Yeah, Rui’s going to get herself into trouble at multiple points in this story, I can already tell. Though I’d recommend chopping up Rui’s paragraph of dialogue here into a few smaller ones, especially since the first part of it feels very heavy relative to the rest.

Wes had no idea how to respond to that. Sure, she'd been stupid and reckless to take off like that, but a small part of him respected her resolve, nonetheless.

"Well," he said after an awkward pause, "how do you like the rest of Orre, then?"

Almost immediately a voice screamed at him inside his head. She just got kidnapped, idiot! What kind of a question is that?

Wes: “... Okay, let me rephrase that question there…”

But Rui didn't seem to take offense. She shot him an incredulous look, then burst out laughing.

Dumbfounded, Wes could only keep walking as she followed, her laughter continuing for a few minutes until, at last, she was forced to catch her breath between giggles.

"Oh, dear Mew," she gasped, "thank you for that. I really needed the laugh."

Well, at least Rui has a good sense of humor to take these things in stride? Though I suppose it’s a nice demonstration of how her and Wes’ personalities differ from each other.

Well. He hadn't been trying to be funny, but rather than tell her that, he rolled with it. "...Yeah. No problem."

Rui wiped tears from her eyes and smiled up at him. "I know I'm an idiot for doing what I did, but thanks for not making me feel like one."

He bit back a snort. Well, at least she was aware that she had been stupid…

Wes: “Um… you’re welcome, I guess?”

He was saved from having to come up with a reply as the mayor's home finally came into view. He nudged Rui with his elbow and nodded, and they made their way up the wide stone steps.

True to the atmosphere of Phenac City, the mayor's house held nothing back in terms of extravagance. While not incredibly large in terms of height, it made up for that by sprawling impressively in either direction, showcasing large, gleaming windows and ornate carvings all over the exterior. The front steps led to a wide porch lined with bright white pillars, and the blue double-doors were a sight to behold. Even if Wes hadn't known this to be the mayor's home, it would have been easy to guess.

Of course, the bright banner that stretched across the pillars and read "MAYOR ES-CADE WELCOMES YOU!" was also a slight giveaway.

Well that’s significantly nicer than that little hole-in-the-wall with an entrance jammed underneath an aqueduct he’s got in the official games. Though I wonder if the aqueduct’s still there too in OSAS’ rendition of Es Cade’s house or not.

Rui looked the building up and down with awe. "Are you sure we can just...knock?" she asked in almost a whisper. Wes merely shrugged. He'd never bothered to visit this place himself.

Rui seemed to take this as a yes, as she stepped forward and knocked boldly on the metal doors. Apparently, her recent ordeal hadn't done much to diminish her enthusiasm.

Oh hey, there’s a reaction image summing up Wes’ general thought process right about now:

After a brief pause, the doors creaked open and a tall, crisply dressed man with fiery red hair stood before them. He looked down at them with a penetrating gaze. "What is your business?"

Well that one’s certainly new. I think. I’m pretty sure that Es Cade didn’t have a doorman the first time you go to his place in the games, but it makes sense that he’d have on in a more grounded telling of Colosseum since… yeah, Orre’s not exactly a nice neighborhood.

"We wish to speak to the mayor, please," said Rui. She met his eyes evenly despite the man's intimidating presence. "It's urgent."

Wes half expected them to be turned away, but the man simply nodded. He eyed the Umbreon and Espeon at Wes' feet. "No Pokémon indoors here. Security policy." Wes begrudgingly returned his companions to their Pokéballs, and they were escorted through the doors.

Oh, so that’s the justification for why we never see Pokémon strutting around indoors in Colosseum. It does make me wonder if we’ll see departures from the default depiction for whoever’s in Wes’ team in more homely environments like the house where Rui’s grandparents live.

The cool air inside was a welcome relief from the relentless desert heat. A sparkling crystal chandelier greeted them from overhead, sending multicolored glints of light off the pristine marble walls. A massive flatscreen TV was mounted above a fireplace to their left, and to their right was a handful of plush couches. Straight ahead was a sleek wooden desk, at which sat the mayor of Phenac.

Huh, it’s subtle, but that’s definitely different from the layout in the games, even if I suppose the original layout was a bit too “video game”y to be present in most people’s houses realistically. I wonder if you also do similar little departures here and there in this story given that IIRC it winds up diverging noticeably from Colosseum’s canonical narrative at some point down the road.

Wes had never seen the mayor personally before, and quickly surmised that he hadn't missed out on much. The man was short—very short—and, like his house, made up for it in terms of width. He was as round as a Jigglypuff, with a puffy mustache and bushy eyebrows to match. His head, though mostly bald, sported two large tufts of gray hair on each side.

"Welcome, welcome!" boomed the mayor. He beamed at them through beady eyes that seemed as though they were stuck in a perpetual squint.

Rui stepped forward and gave a small, polite bow. "It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Mayor."

"Oh, please, call me Es-Cade, my dear!" The man chortled. He rose from his seat and walked around to the front of his desk, gesturing pointing them to the couches. "Please, sit! I insist."

Well, the man certainly knows how to put on a show for guests. Though I suppose that is on-brand for Es Cade.

Rui did as requested and took a seat. Wes would have much preferred to stand, but upon seeing the mayor's inquisitive look, he sat with a quiet sigh.

"Eldes, would you please fetch our guests some tea?" Es-Cade pleasantly addressed the red-haired man that stood stoically by the front doors. The man gave a curt nod and strode through an exit at the back of the room.

I went and fired up Bulbapedia to check this since that seemed like a very “actual Orre NPC name” and…

So that’s who the doorman you cast was, and explains why I didn’t remember him from Colosseum. Though I see that there will be callaheads to XD aplenty in this game, though I suppose that the role that you gave him here does seem like it’d give him a plausible path to taking on the role he has in XD.

"Now, what do they call you, my dear?" The portly man turned back to Rui.

"I'm Rui, sir. Rui Everlin."

Huh, wonder what the story behind this surname is. At first I was going to say that the ‘Lin’ was a clever nod to how she hails from a forest, but that doesn’t quite work with the ‘Ever’. I suppose we’ll find out more as this story goes along.

"I see!" Es-Cade said. He looked at Wes. "And you, my good man?"

"Wes." The mayor continued to look at him, as if expecting more, so he sighed. "Wesley Lycas."

Just saying, considering the vibe of the name and of the neighborhood you’re operating in, you missed the chance to roll ‘Lobo’, ‘Lobos’, or ‘López’ as a surname, all of which carry the same semantic shtick you’re going for with ‘Lycas’ there.

Though eh, I won’t question it. Since while it’s definitely not a surname you’ll run into IRL a whole lot, it does fit in decently well with a neighborhood where mothers think to name their kids names like ‘Es-Cade’ and ‘Eldes’.

"Excellent!" He beamed again. "And to what do I owe the pleasure of meeting you both?"

Rui hesitated. Wes gave her a pointed look. This was your idea, not mine. She cleared her throat. "Well, you see, Mr...Es-Cade, it's not exactly good news."

Es-Cade's smile faded to a concerned frown. His bushy eyebrows knotted together. "Oh?"

Es Cade: “I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at staying on top of things. Including things that the general public overlooks, what exactly is going on here?”

Rui shifted nervously before continuing. "You see, sir, I'm here to report an incident. I was brought to this city because...because I was kidnapped."

"Good heavens!" The mayor's eyes widened as far as his beady face would allow.

"Good heavens! Are you quite alright?"

A bit of a stylistic nitpick, but I feel that in this particular case, Es Cade’s line works better coming after his eye-widening moment. Well. Maybe. There’s an argument that I can think of offhand for sticking to your guns here: namely if Es Cade’s reaction is rehearsed and not genuine considering what he ultimately turns out to be in Colosseum, but it’d probably work best if there were other moments during this encounter that helped sell the effect.

"Yes, I am, thanks to Wes," Rui gave the rogue trainer a grateful smile before turning back to Es-Cade. "But...that's not the whole reason I'm here."

She paused and looked at the floor, as if trying to find the words to continue. "You see, sir, I know this will sound strange and you might not believe me, but...I was born with a gift. That gift allows me to see the auras of people and Pokémon."

Well that’s definitely different from the game, even if it makes more sense than in the game given that if my memory serves me right, you basically strut in and Rui plops “I see Shadow Pokémon” right into Es Cade’s lap without a proper introduction. Though I wonder if we’ll see elements of the original exchange surface at all.

Es-Cade's eyebrows shot up an inch or two, and Wes didn't even bother to mask his disbelief as he stared at her. Auras? That did it. Not only had he happened to rescue the most clueless girl in all of Orre, she was also certifiably insane.

Riley: “Am I a joke to you?” >:|
Wes: “Go away, your game didn’t release for 3 years after ours, and you’re supposed to be up in your snowed-over craphole.” >_>;

"Well, I won't pretend that this isn't...very hard to believe, my dear," said the mayor after a pregnant pause. "Are you certain about this...this gift of yours?"

Rui nodded, her face resolute. "I've had this gift for as long as I can remember, sir. I've always been able to see aura."

"Very well," he mused. He raised a meaty hand and rubbed his chin. "Go on."

Wes:

“... Wait, you’re not laughing her out of the room as a crank right now?”
Es Cade: “Well, Mr. Lycas. When you grow to be a man as old and experienced as me, you learn that sometimes things that sound fantastical on their face are worth hearing out. Really an underappreciated sentiment among the young generation these days.”

"Well, I was traveling through Pyrite when I saw these two men. One of them had a Makuhita and was battling another trainer. I don't know how to explain it, but...there was something wrong with that Pokémon. Its aura was...dark. I'd even say it was evil." She shivered. Her face was solemn and fearful as she recalled the memory.

[ ]
"And you've never seen this, erm, aura before?" Es-Cade asked.

It might be worth showing off Es Cade’s reaction to Rui here a bit more. Especially if you want to subtly foreshadow what he’ll be up to in the later parts of your story.

Rui shook her head. "No, sir, never. I've seen auras of many different kinds, but not like that."

[ ]
"Could it be, perhaps, that you've never encountered an aggressive Pokémon?"

"With all due respect, Mr. Mayor, I've seen aggressive Pokémon before." Rui's voice took on a stern tone as she raised her head and looked Es-Cade in the eyes. "This Makuhita was something completely different. And the way it battled was...horrible. It really looked like it wanted to kill the other Pokémon."

Es Cade:

“With all due respect, Ms. Everlin, but Pokémon trying to kill each other in fanfiction isn’t exactly an uncommon occurrence.”
Rui: “Look, they don’t have evil auras attached to them while doing that normally!”

Wes sat back in his seat, absorbing all this new information. This girl was clearly sheltered—that had been obvious from the beginning. He, unfortunately, had seen Pokémon kill on command more than once. While not every Pokémon was willing to kill, there were plenty more that were either eager enough or desperate enough to do so. It was certainly not unheard of, and something that was all too common in Orre's crime rings.

Korrva SD00573: “*Actually, some of us don’t feel anything at all about killing our enemies.*”
Wes + Rui: “...” O_O;
Es Cade: “... Oh, her. Yes, we’ll just get her out of the room right now where you hopefully won’t be meeting each other for a long, long time in this story. Preferably never, really. (Dammit, I knew that Ein forgot something from his visit to my office…)”
Rui: “... I’m sorry, but why on earth did you have that just-?!” O_O;
Es Cade: “We’re getting off topic right now! Anyhow, you were saying something about ‘evil auras’ or whatnot?” ^^;

He wondered if the mayor was thinking the same thing, as the man had a skeptical expression on his face as he listened to Rui's story. "You do know that Pokémon can and do sometimes kill other Pokémon, my dear?" he asked gently.

Oh hey, it’s almost literally the Batman Beyond gif, just more polite. o<o

"I know that!" Rui said in frustration. "I do! But they only do so if commanded, right? Well, this Makuhita was on a rampage and was acting of its own accord—its trainer couldn't even stop it!"

"I see, I see," Es-Cade backed down slightly upon seeing her frustration. "That is very concerning, Miss Everlin. I can assure you that I will assign some of my staff to look into the matter—although, if this Pokémon is in Pyrite, there's only so much I can do."

Rui: “But you literally just had a Pokémon that was-!” O.O
Es Cade: “Your eyes were just deceiving you, my dear. And if they weren’t, it wasn’t canonical anyways. I assure you, I will do what I can to see that this dangerous Makuhita is dealt with.” ^^;
Wes: “(Yeah, he’s just going to blow us off to go play bingo at the retirement home, I can already tell.)”

"I...I understand," Rui sighed. She relaxed a little and slumped back in her seat.

Es-Cade seemed to notice her disappointment. "Do you perhaps have a description of the criminals?" he asked kindly. "I can also try to put out a search for them, and see what we can come up with—ah!" His eyes brightened as the doorman reentered the room with a tray of tea. "Perfect timing, my good man! Thank you kindly!"

The man said nothing, only depositing the tray on the coffee table in front of them before resuming his post by the doors.

Ah yes, a future Cipher admin from XD just casually playing waiter for everyone. I can already tell that he doesn’t acknowledge this menial tasks phase after climbing the ranks a bit more. >:V

Wes didn't trust drinks from strangers, so he quietly declined his tea. Rui and Es-Cade sipped theirs as she gave him a description of the two men. Wes only spoke up to give their names and a description of their other Pokémon he'd seen. He noticed the mayor raise his eyebrows as he spoke of the two Whismur; the odd fact that Wes hadn't seen a Makuhita was not lost on him, apparently, and it likely contributed to his doubt. The man said nothing of it, however.

Nice little bits of foreshadowing there about Es Cade and the places he’ll be going later in this story if it generally tracks Colosseum’s narrative.

Once Rui had given all the information they knew, the mayor kindly thanked them for their visit and personally showed them out the door with a smile, promising her that he would look into the case at once.

As the doors shut behind them, Wes couldn't help but feel that they had just wasted a massive amount of time. Rui must have sensed this, too, because he noticed she was staring at the ground with slumped shoulders as they walked to the Pokémon Center.

I mean, you’re not wrong there. Especially considering that Es Cade doesn’t exactly have good reasons to want to help out with your request.

He released Neo and Novo from their Pokéballs. They both stretched and gleefully bounced around Wes' feet, happy to be outside again.

Rui brightened a little at the sight of the Pokémon. She giggled as Neo brushed playfully up against her legs, then looked up at Wes with a sheepish expression.

"You probably think I'm crazy, huh?"

Wes shrugged. "Maybe a little." No point in sugar-coating things.

I really should be less surprised that Wes is this blunt since… yeah, he kinda vibes as being that sort of character. ^^;

[ ]

"Well, you don't have to believe me, but I promise I'm telling the truth." Rui glanced at the Eons walking ahead of them. "For example, I can tell by your Pokémons' auras that they are happy and well cared for. They really love and trust you...and it's part of the reason I knew I'd be safe walking with you." She grinned at him.

Rui, don’t make me break out the Bender gif again. Though that makes me wonder if her aura-vision only works on Pokémon. Since if it also works on humans... well, a lot of things in this story would’ve gone differently. Especially in this chapter.

Wes decided it wasn't worth pointing out that she could have deduced this from Neo and Novo's evolutions—Espeon and Umbreon only got their evolutions from bonding with their trainer, after all. Instead, he shrugged again and said, "It makes no difference to me. You saw something and reported it, and now you can move on."

They also evolve from Sun Shards and Moon Shards, which appear in your region a couple years down the line from where you and Rui are at and precisely nowhere else in Pokéworld that we know of thus far.

Rui bit her lip, but said nothing. Whatever she'd seen in Pyrite—or whatever she thought she'd seen—was obviously weighing heavily on her, and their fruitless meeting with the mayor had done little to help with that.

Not my problem, Wes told himself. He'd done more than enough for this random girl today, and wasn't about to take it upon himself to cheer her up. He wouldn't even know where to start, anyway.

Narrator: “Lol. Lmao.”
Wes: “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?!”

Neo: “*Oh come on, Wes. Are you really telling me you want to part ways from her? Really?*”

Novo: “*It would be a bit of a short story without her given that this is a Colosseum novelization, just saying.*” ^^;

Wes was about to head in the direction of the Center when he noticed Rui stop short. What now? He followed her alarmed gaze to what she was staring at and suddenly he, too, stopped walking.

Someone was heading their way. Whoever this person was, they were massively tall, dwarfing every other passerby on the street. Wes saw the long, flowing silver hair and initially thought it was a woman, but as the stranger came closer it was apparent by the square jaw and bulging, muscular figure that it was a man. But the hair was not what kept his attention; there was something visibly wrong with him.

Ah yes, it’s Riku from Kingdom Hearts Nascour. Pleasure meeting you there. /s

He exuded an air of cold, crisp, precise cruelty as he walked. Wes had seen his share of men drunk with power who thought they had it all—but this man knew he was in charge, and was keenly aware of his own authority. The stranger passed them on the sidewalk, but not before turning his head to glance at them. Wes met the man's eyes for just a second, and felt a chill trickle down his spine; his eyes were red as blood.

Oh, so Wes himself feels fear at times in this story. I mean, it makes sense, but I’ll admit that I still did a double-take here with how collected he’s normally been in this story up to this point.

A cruel smirk played across the stranger's lips before he turned away and breezed past them in the direction they came from, head held high, eyes straight ahead.

Wes felt Rui step close to him. He noticed she was shivering. "He was...scary," she whispered.

And a major boss fight you two are going to have to deal with down the road, but that’s a story for another day.

Wes couldn't help but nod in agreement. He was immensely grateful that such a person was only a stranger and nothing more. He had a feeling he would never want to tangle with that man.

Narrator: “He will absolutely wind up tangling with that man.”
Wes: “Not if I bounce out of Orre first-”
Narrator: “Wes will absolutely not bounce out of Orre first.”
Wes: “Oh come on!”

He shook his head and rolled the uneasiness from his shoulders. "Center's just up ahead," he said to Rui. "Let's get inside." She nodded nervously, and the two set off for the wide white steps leading to their destination.

The Phenac Pokémon Center was an impressive sight, even to Wes. He had only been here a handful of times, and he was always just as amazed each time as he was upon his first visit. His negative impression of Phenac and its population aside, he had to admit: they knew how to treat their Pokémon.

Not sure if I want to know what that implies for what Pokémon medical care looks like outside of Phenac in this setting, really.

The building was a large dome with white gleaming walls and a sparkling glass ceiling. At the back of the room, straight ahead from the entrance, was a marble counter in front of a healing machine and a crisply dressed nurse who chimed a cheerful greeting as they walked through the doors.

To the right, a luxurious lounge for trainers held a TV, plush couches, a small snack bar, and ornate bookshelves adorned with all kinds of literature. A row of video-call booths lined the wall near the shelves.

Ah yes, so we’re going to get to see Wes save his game in this story, too. /s

To the left was an enclosed, glass-walled play area for Pokémon. Wes knew from previous visits that the play area extended through a door in the wall to a larger, fenced-in outdoor area. He'd never used it himself, though—the thought of leaving his Pokémon in someone else's hands was mortifying to him.

Huh, that’s definitely a new one. Though I’m surprised that those facilities are remaining open and not monitored or else pre-emptively shut down given that Shadow Pokémon are canonically starting to hit broader circulation at this point in Colosseum, which you think would cause incidents for mixed play areas meant for Pokémon.

"Welcome!" The nurse smiled at them from her place behind the counter. "How may I help you today?"

Rui stepped forward, hands clasped behind her back as she addressed the nurse. "Y-yes, um, could I use your video phones?"

"Absolutely! Right this way, I'll get you started..."

Oh, so they have those here too, huh? I guess it makes sense since even in the earliest seasons of PokéAni, there was video calling technology that was widely dispersed.

The nurse escorted Rui to the phones and Wes wandered over to the couches to sit and wait. Novo followed, looking around with great interest; he, too, always appeared to be impressed with the place whenever they visited.

"Espi!" Neo pawed at Wes' knee and pointed his snout over to the play area, where an Aipom had its face pressed against the glass, wiggling its tail playfully at the Espeon.

Wes shook his head. "Sorry, bud," he said quietly. "We don't have time today."

Neo: “*Oh come on, Wes. It’s literally right there...*”

Neo sat on the tiled floor with a sigh.

Yeah, I figured.

"Tell you what," Wes lowered his voice even further as he reached down to rub Neo's ears. "When we get to Johto, you can play with tons of wild Pokémon every day. How does that sound?"

Right, Orre and Johto are geographically contiguous with each other in your continuity. That one threw me for a bit, but it makes sense that that would be on the shortlist of places for Wes to head to after bailing on Orre.

Neo pricked up his ears and kneaded the floor in excitement. "Spi!"

Johto. Wes had only heard stories of it, but it sounded like a beautiful place, so entirely different from the sandy Orre Region. He'd heard about green forests that stretched as far as the eye could see, of giant shining lakes, of mountains that stretched so high you couldn't see their peaks. He'd dreamed of seeing it from the moment he first learned of its existence.

Actually, that makes me wonder where Orre is located relative to Johto in this setting anyways. My reflexive assumption was that it’d be northward since there’s a whole lotta nothing that we know of north of Mt. Silver and its surroundings, but the sea in the southwest of Orre kinda throws a wrench into that.

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Soon. Very soon. Just be patient.

Oh, so Wes finally blowing off Orre in favor of Johto after the events of Colosseum / this story is the reason why Michael had to step in and fill his void in XD / OSAS 2: Desert Boogaloo, huh?

Novo hopped into his lap and he idly stroked the Umbreon's head, lost in thought, until Rui returned and sank onto the couch a short distance away from him with a sigh. Novo growled softly at her abrupt appearance, a quiet rumble that only Wes could hear.

"Well, my grandparents are happy to know I'm safe, but that didn't save me a tongue lashing from Nan." She turned to him. "They're so grateful to you, by the way. I'm sure they'd love to meet you if you'd like to visit!"

Wes: “Or, I could get onto my bike and ride off into the sunset towards Johto and not stay a moment longer in this craphole. I hear Cherrygrove City’s a really pretty place around this time in spring.”

"Sorry, I have other places to be," Wes muttered. There would be absolutely no more detours until they reached Gateon.

Narrator: “There would absolutely be more detours before reaching Gateon.”

[ ]

"Oh, I...I figured as much," replied Rui. There was a note of disappointment in her voice. "Well, you're always welcome if you—"

This IMO works better if Rui has some sort of reaction before she starts speaking, especially if she’s initially pretty shook by how Wes just casually shoots down her offer to go to Agate Village.

She broke off suddenly, her eyes fixed on something over Wes' shoulder. He turned his head to see what had grabbed her attention, and saw footage of a burning building on the TV. The words MYSTERIOUS EXPLOSION REVEALS SNAGEM HIDEOUT flashed across the screen.

"What—when did this happen?" She breathed in disbelief.

Wes: “I mean, recently, obviously since otherwise it wouldn’t be a news story, but let’s not worry about the criminal scum that would bring up awkward questions for me right now, hm?” ^^

"You're just now finding this out?" Wes blurted. Surely, as sheltered though as this girl was, she'd have heard something about it already. He was certain that news of the incident had traveled across every corner of the region by now. Uncovering Snagem's hideout would be earth-shattering news.

I think that we’re missing a bit of context here as to why uncovering Team Snagem’s hideout would be earth-shattering news, especially for readers that aren’t coming in with the benefit of context of a Colosseum playthrough. It might make sense to give a passing mention in a sentence or two of what Team Snagem is known for around Orre such that this is such a “big deal” at the moment.

Rui surprised him by throwing him a withering look. "Yes, I'm hearing about it just now," she said scathingly. "It's not like I've spent the last twenty-four hours in a sack or anything!"

"...Oh." Wes suddenly felt incredibly stupid. "Right...sorry."

Wes sure has a way with people, doesn’t he? I can already tell that he’s going to have a lot of lulzy moments like these down the road.

Rui returned her gaze to the TV. "I can't believe..." She trailed off and didn't bother to finish her sentence. Wes left her to her thoughts and continued stroking Novo's fur, watching his yellow rings pulse with light.

"They deserve it," she said.

He looked up in surprise at those words. Rui was still watching the screen, but a dark expression had taken over her features. It was a jarring change from her usually smiling face.

IMO, it might make sense to explicitly assign the middle paragraph of dialogue to Rui, since at first I thought that that was Wes speaking there.

"You think so?" Wes asked.

She turned her eyes to his, and he was shocked at the amount of pure hatred he saw there. "Yes," she said quietly. "I hate Pokémon thieves. Snagem had this coming, and they deserve a whole lot worse."

Rui had a Pokémon stolen at some point prior to OSAS’ events, didn’t she? Since that definitely feels very opinionated and venomous there.

Wes:

Rui: “Wes, why are you reacting like that?”

Wes looked at her for a moment before answering. "I agree," he said quietly.

Rui: “Good. You were starting to worry me there for a second.”
Wes: “(Okay, yeah. I really need to blow her off and make it to Gateon now.)”

"Umbriiiiii." Novo's whine broke the tense moment. Wes heard the Umbreon's stomach growl, and suddenly realized how hungry he was, too. He rubbed Novo's ear. "I guess it's time we go, then."

To clog your cats’ arteries with more bacon grease? o<o

Novo leapt off Wes' lap as he stood. He turned to Rui. "The nurses can help you arrange a ride with someone from here. You should be able to make it back to Agate that way."

Rui stood, too, and bowed her head to him gratefully, hands clasped behind her back once again. "Thank you for everything you've done for me, Wes. Really. I don't have any way to repay you for it, but...I really am gratef—"

Her stomach suddenly rumbled loudly, and she flushed a little in embarrassment. "Sorry!"

Wes: “(Come on Wes, just ignore it and let her go, it doesn’t involve-)”

Wes narrowed his eyes at her. "Did you say you were in that sack for a whole day?"

She shifted a little. "Well, I don't know exactly how long it was, but it was a long time..."

Wes took a closer look at her. For all her smiles and cheerfulness, he noticed for the first time that she was still a little pale, and her fingers were shaky as she fidgeted with her necklace.

"You haven't eaten."

Wes: “(Oh dammit. Though I suppose it can’t hurt to at least get her a proper meal first…)” -_-;

Rui gave him another smile, but this time he was paying enough attention to see how forced it was. "It's fine! You've done more than enough for me today, I can...figure something out..." She trailed off, not looking very convinced at her own words.

Novo: “*Come on, Wes. You know you want to help her…*”

Wes: “(Oh for crying out loud, not you two as well!) >.<

She could figure it out, Wes mused to himself. And yet...he had gone long stretches without food before. He knew firsthand how unpleasant it was, and he was certain that this girl had no means of getting food for herself. There was no way she still had any money on her after being kidnapped.

Ah yes, guilt and past trauma. Always good motivators for ignoring that voice in your head that’s going “no, ignore the girl, get on the bike, and keep going until you hit Gateon”

The low voice came into his head again. Remember this, boy. Don't stick your neck out for nobody.

Anger burned in his chest at the intrusive voice. You don't get to tell me what to do. Not anymore.

Whelp, I suppose that that’s one way to tell that Wes has had a definitive break with Snagem if he’s just going “no, shut up, old man” to the past wisdom he received while part of it.

"Alright," he sighed, turning to leave. "Come on." He gestured for her to follow him.

"What? Where—?"

"We were going to find a place to eat anyway. You might as well come with us." He looked at her over his shoulder. "But after this, you'll really be on your own. Got it?"

"I—what do you—I don't—are you sure?" Rui spluttered.

Wes: “No, but I also don’t like seeing you like this, and it’s not exactly hard to find a diner in Phenac. So come on already.” >_>;

"If you don't hurry up, I'll change my mind."

Rui blinked at him, and for a moment Wes thought he saw tears in her eyes. He turned his head away and hoped to Arceus he was mistaken. He had no idea what to do with people when they cried…

And no idea what to do with people in general based off some of the interactions we’ve seen between him and Rui in this story thus far. >:V

Rui bounced up to his side. "Where to, then?" she asked brightly. Any indication that she'd been teary had quickly vanished.

"I've got a place in mind," he said. And with that, they strode through the Center doors back into the sunlight.

Ah yes, taking Rui to some dive that Team Snagem members liked going to. What could possibly go wrong with this idea here?

Wes couldn't help but feel mildly impressed at the speed with which Rui was devouring her burger. It made him wonder just how hungry she must have been this whole time.

Wes: “... I’m sorry, how long did you say you were in that sack again?” .-.
Rui: “No clue, really!” ^^;

His restaurant of choice was closer to the edge of town: a small, dingy, hole-in-the-wall kind of place that he'd always preferred thanks to their low prices and low profile. By Phenac standards, it was "seedy," but compared to the Outskirt Stand, it may as well have been fine dining. The blue painted walls and tiled floor, though scuffed in many places, certainly made it feel a lot cleaner than the dusty old train car.

I mean, this sounds like a fantastic way of running into your old buddies from Team Snagem, just saying. Especially if you weren’t the only one from the team who used to go to this dive, Wes.

His Pokémon were happily eating their kibble from bowls on the floor. It was no plate of bacon, but it was better than nothing, and far better than what they had been accustomed to at Snagem.

I’m… not sure if I want to know what Neo and Novo used to eat while in Team Snagem’s care, really.

A waiter stopped by to offer drinks, which Wes declined. He'd need to be fully alert for their journey ahead—though after the long events of the day, alcohol was tempting.

So… beer or tequila?

Wes: “I was thinking more ‘Everclear’ really, since gods, I really need a drink after everything I’ve been through lately.” >_>;

The waiter turned to Rui, but she also shook her head. "Not today, thank you."

The waiter left, and Wes narrowed his eyes at her. "Are you even old enough to drink?"

Rui nearly choked on her fries. "Wha—excuse me?" she asked indignantly as soon as she could speak, "I'll have you know, I'm well over eighteen!"

Could’ve fooled me with your in-game model, lady. Especially since Wes word-of-god is around 17 years old at the time of Colosseum’s events.

He raised an eyebrow. "By what, a few months?"

Rui huffed at him. "I'm twenty-one, Wes."

Oh. He was genuinely surprised at that. She was much closer to his age than he'd originally thought, only a year younger than himself. "Sorry. You just look younger."

Aha, I see that the characters are a bit aged up for this narrative. Though I suppose that it makes sense given that it’s a bit harder-edged than the official Colosseum narrative and… yeah, there’s definitely less suspension of disbelief needed to make some of Wes’ antics seem plausible if he’s not literally a high school dropout.

"I get that a lot, actually," she said dejectedly. She picked at what remained of her food.

"It's because you're short," he said bluntly. He immediately recognized his mistake when Rui raised her eyebrows at him.

"Wow, really? I'm short? Thanks for pointing that out to me, Wes, I never noticed," she said with a dry smirk.

Moron. "I—that's—yeah. Sorry."

Yeah, I stand by my observation earlier that Wes is not a people person.

Rui snorted and waved her hand. "Don't worry about it, I get it all the time. And even if I were taller, I'd still probably look younger."

"Well, the pigtails don't help," Wes blurted.

Rui's eyebrows rose even higher, and he mentally kicked himself. Gods. Was it always this hard to have a normal conversation? He grabbed his water and spent a deliberately long time sipping at it, wishing more now than ever that he'd ordered a beer instead.

Yeah, I had a feeling that Wes was going to blunder into his fair share of moments like these. Even if I wasn’t expecting quite so many all in this one chapter.

Rather than take offense, Rui simply gave him a sly grin. "Well what about you, Mr. Tough Guy? You don't look much older than seventeen."

Wes choked and spluttered on his drink. "I—what—seven—?" He stopped short when he saw that Rui had erupted into a fit of laughter.

Oh, so there’s our nod to Wes’ canonical age in this story here. Clever tie-in there.

He scowled at her. "That's not funny."

Novo: “*Actually, it’s official game canon-*”

Wes: “Nobody asked you, Novo!”

For some reason, this only made her laugh even harder and she was forced to grip the table for support. Neo and Novo looked up at her from their meal in alarm and Wes began to feel uncomfortable as heads turned in their direction. Why was this girl so loud?

I mean, if she wasn’t, would you have noticed her in that burlap sack she was shoveled into?

"S-sorry," she gasped as her laughter subsided. "I honestly didn't think I'd get a reaction out of you, with you being so stoic and all, but that was funny."

Wes: “(Gods, that trip to Gateon and boat ride to Johto can’t come soon enough at this rate.)” >///<

Wes grumbled darkly under his breath. Rui snorted and bit her lip in an effort to keep herself from laughing further. Her face held a lot more color now that she'd eaten, and she was, if possible, even more lively than before.

Having finished their meal, Wes stood. "Let's go." Rui and his Pokémon followed him as he paid for the meal at the counter up front and stepped outside.

The sun was horrifyingly low in the sky, and Wes inwardly groaned at the sight. They were behind schedule, but no matter—they'd be on the road soon enough, and all their troubles with Phenac (girl included) would be left behind.

"Briiiii!" Novo yawned and stretched happily in the sunlight, his yellow markings glowing contentedly. Neo padded up between Wes and Rui and let out a soft burp. He blinked sleepily up at his trainer with a lazy purr.

The corners of Wes' mouth twitched into a smile upon seeing them so content and peaceful. For the first time since escaping the Hideout, he allowed himself to relax a little. All that was left to do was stock up on some supplies and hit the road now. It should be smooth sailing from here, he thought.

Wes, just saying, but can you tempt fate any harder right about now?

And then he heard a voice that turned his blood to ice.

Yeah, I knew that he was tempting fate there. Though let’s see who he ran into.

"Keep your wits about you, ya hear? He's in this blasted city somewhere."

Wes swore under his breath and grabbed Rui by the arm, pulling her around the building into a side alley. She squawked in protest. "Wes, what're you—hey!"

Neo: “*Okay, seriously, Wes. The burger was good and all, but what on earth did you think was going to happen when we came back to one of your hangouts from your old job?*”

He ignored her and listened closely. He heard the rough cadence of three all too familiar voices across the street, causing his heart to race.

If these are meant to be specific members of Team Snagem that appear later on in the story, it might make sense to explicitly namedrop / give context as to who these Snagem members are, since it feels a little weird for Wes to go “oh, I know these people” without getting more insight into his thought process about who these people are.

How could he get out of this without raising suspicion? He looked at the redhead. If she found out who she was… He remembered her face in the Center as she spoke about Snagem. The anger in her eyes, the righteous fury. There was no way she would let him off if she knew. Not a chance.

Which is a sign that he’s going to be outed in about a minute from this point, since that’s the way stories generally work. ^^;

"Are we sure he's still here?" another voice drawled from where the first one had come from, just across the street. Wes turned his head to listen.

"Shut your trap and quit whining!" the first voice barked. "The faster we get moving, the sooner we'll find the damned rat."

Rui: “Um, Wes? Who are these people again?”

Wes: “People we really, really don’t want to get involved with. (Also, hey, do you see where I parked my bike at all?)”

There was no mistaking that gravelly voice. Wes had heard it all too many times before, usually before facing an unpleasant punishment. Wakin, Gonzap's second-in-command, had always loved to dole out the punishments himself whenever he could. Wes glanced nervously at the metal sleeve on his arm.

If Wakin found Wes now, he was a dead man.

Oh, so there’s our “oh, I know that voice” moment. A part of me wonders if it should’ve come a bit earlier into this sequence, or at least the namedrop portion of it, but eh. It does its job here.

Wes' mind raced. He scrambled to think of a way to get out of this city without setting off Rui's suspicions. He certainly couldn't tell her what was going on, nor could he merely bolt away—what if she started calling after him? Caused a scene? Drew attention from those menacing voices across the street…?

… Actually, wait. Where is Wes’ bike at the moment? Like I know that canonically you don’t have it with you while in Phenac, but it makes me wonder if at minimum it should be a bigger part of Wes’ thought process here since you’d think “dammit, of all the times not to have my bike

” would be on the radar for him getting stuck in the same general vicinity as a very, very pissed Wakin.

A crazy, half-baked idea occurred to him, and he tightened his grip on Rui's arm as he looked back at her again. She was apparently oblivious to the conversation taking place across the street. She seemed much more concerned with Wes' odd behavior and his grip on her arm. He decided to take a chance on her naiveté.

"Hey. You said you needed Pokéballs, right?"

"Y-yeah?" Rui attempted to tug her arm out of his grip. She looked frightened. "Wes, can you let go of me?"

"Sorry," he said quickly. He released her and took a step back. Breathe. You need to stay calm. He met her blue gaze evenly. "I know a place where we can get you some. I just thought of it."

Rui frowned at him. "You do?"

Rui: “... Wes, please tell me that these three aren’t the people you have in mind for getting Pokéballs from.”

"Yeah, but it's...not here. It's a bit of a drive. But I can take you there." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he even had time to think them through.

"That...that would be really helpful! But I don't have any money—"

Wes: “Look, I’ll spot you the money, but we really need to get going if you want to make it. So are you in, or no?” O_O;

"Don't worry about it." Damn, he was panicking. Stay calm. Don't show fear. "I'll cover for you. But we need to get going now if we want to make it there at a decent hour."

"Are—are you sure? You've done so much for me today already—"

"I'm sure, let's go." He almost grabbed her by the arm again to drag her with him, but remembered the fearful look she'd given him and decided against it. "Come on, I'll show you to my bike."

Whelp, hope Neo and Novo enjoy sharing a sidecar, since… yeah, I’m not sure if it’s even physically possible to squeeze a second rider behind Wes on that abomination of a bike he has.

He stepped cautiously out of the alleyway, looking around for any sign of Wakin and his grunts. Rui stood a few paces behind him, mumbling in confusion. "Bike...?"

Wes: “Technically, it’s more of a mashup of a unicycle and a hovercraft, but look, the point is that it’ll get us to the Pokéball seller and away from these guys really, really fast. So keep quite and follow me.”

"Neo. Novo." Wes kept his voice to barely more than a whisper. They pricked their ears and stood at attention. "Keep a lookout."

He motioned for Rui to follow him, and they stepped out into the open.

Wes was sure that Rui would hear his heart trying to escape from his chest. He hated having to walk in the open, hated that he couldn't move any faster than a brisk walk, but he knew that darting through the shadows would only raise her suspicions. He could not afford to be caught. Not now. Not like this.

Let’s not even get into how he’s got the Snag Machine still on his arm and is dressed like an extra from The Matrix right about now, since… yeah, that’s definitely not going to blend in with a crowd. ^^;

He was grateful that they had at least made it to the edge of the city already for their lunch. They were able to reach the city entrance relatively quickly, and made it to his bike shortly after that.

Rui looked at his monstrosity of a vehicle with wide eyes. "Okay, when you said 'bike', I had a very different image in my head," she said as she took in the massive engine and rusty exterior.

Wes: “Look, I’m not going to call it a ‘unicycle’, okay? That just makes it sound stupid.” >_>;

Wes didn't bother to reply to this remark. He'd crouched down to his Pokémon and was muttering a hurried apology. "Sorry guys, but there isn't room for all of you in the sidecar. You're gonna have to go in your balls for now."

Neither Neo nor Novo were very pleased with this arrangement, but he didn't have time to reason with them before returning them to their Pokéballs. They would get over it. What mattered now was getting as far away from this city as possible.

Cue them getting spotted in 3… 2…

Wes gestured for Rui to get in the sidecar as he slid into the driver's seat. She climbed in awkwardly and nearly fell over in the process.

The engine bellowed as he brought it to life. He thought he heard Rui trying to say something, but couldn't be sure. Rather than wait to find out, he slammed on the gas and the motorbike lurched forward, kicking up a cloud of dust as they flew out of sight and left the blinding white city behind.

Huh, that went better for Wes than I was expecting, really. I suppose the shoe regarding his involvement with Team Snagem will wind up dropping another time.

Alright, made it to the end of things. I see that we’re still in the slower initial “Hello World” part of the story, but I thought that it was a pretty neat glimpse into your take on Colosseum’s cast and world since your take on Wes and Rui and Wes’ Eeveelutions are pretty fun to see bounce off each other. There’s clearly a lot of attention to detail worked into your depiction, with a lot for people who are into the Orre games to stop and go:

About, and to its credit, almost all of those nods to later events in Colosseum and XD are worked in quite well into the story. Like there’s some parts that are obvious departures from the base narrative, but they’re done in fashions that feel believable and still in line with Colosseum’s broader atmosphere such that it still feels apt to call OSAS a Colosseum retelling, while adding some distance from “literally just the game” since… yeah, people can just play the games for that.

I don’t have too much in the way of criticisms of this chapter, with the bulk of the ones that I do have basically boiling down to disagreements about wording or paragraph formatting here and there. There were a couple spots where I thought that it might’ve made sense to stop and give a bit more description or “narration through Wes’ lens”, as well as one spot where we dipped into Rui’s perspective that felt like a huge outlier since everything else in the chapter’s narration is pretty clearly done in Wes’ PoV, but it wasn’t frequent enough to be really distracting. There were a couple spots where I wonder if you played things a bit too close to the chest in terms of providing details (e.x. the context behind why Team Snagem’s hideout going up in smoke would be a big deal™), but most of those are relatively minor issues that can be smoothed out with a bit of additive editing.

I’m honestly a little embarrassed that it’s taken me this long to come back to this story, since just getting back into this chapter, I remembered why I had a fun time with the first two back in… -checks notes - RB4. We’ll see how well things hold up over the next couple chapters on my docket, but thus far, the story’s been doing a good job at getting me interested in what’s coming next.

I’ll be seeing you again a couple more times in the coming weeks @HelloYellow17 . Hope the feedback was helpful, and I’ll be looking forward to seeing what goes down in your fourth and fifth chapters. ^^

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, back for my second of three prize reviews, since I’m a bit on the slower side about these things since my format as you’ve gathered is a wee bit on the uncompressed side. Though last time, Wes and Rui went out on the town in Phenac, ran into some shady characters, and then drove away really, really fast into the desert on Wes’ frankenstein monstrosity of a bike.

Though I suppose that that’s our cue to see where everyone ended up, huh?

Chapter 4

Spoiler

Rui wasn't entirely sure this wasn't all just some sort of fever dream.

In the span of just over a day, she'd seen a crazed Pokémon, been kidnapped, had nearly suffocated in a sack, and was rescued by someone who acted for all the world as though if he'd rather have left her there. And was now she was flying across the desert in a crazy death trap of metal with said stranger.

It had been a weird day, to say the least.

I personally feel that the middle paragraph in this block works better formatted as more than one sentence. It doesn’t necessarily need to be handled in exactly the same fashion as indicated here, but something worth considering, at least.

Wes didn't speak at all as they sailed across the sands. Rui was actually quite all right with this, as most of her concentration was spent shielding her face from the sandy winds and trying not to panic at the absolutely terrifying speed at which Wes was driving.

How on earth is that not murdering her eyes right about now? ^^;

Rui peeked at the driver underneath her hands covering her face. Despite his gruff demeanor and the begrudging manner in which he'd helped her, Rui did sense that Wes was a kind person under all the rough edges. His aura, a pleasant blue color, seemed to indicate so, at least. And After all, he didn't have to escort her all over Phenac and treat her to a meal, least of all much less take her somewhere to find Pokéballs. His actions seemed very contradictory to his attitude, and she had to admit she found it a little amusing.

Some minor rephrasing suggestions for this part here. Though I see that Rui has Lucario vision with that aura sensitivity of hers. Though I have to wonder how on earth that sensitivity of hers works since you’d think that if it’d been around while meeting Es Cade, it’d have yielded… uh… interesting results if Rui knew what to look for.

She pulled her gaze away from Wes to glance at her surroundings; at one point, she thought she saw some town the ruins of a town in the distance, and despite the desert heat, she shivered. Wes would probably scoff at her for it, but she hated even thinking of Noctis ruins. They were a bad omen.

Ah yes, our first passing acknowledgement of that hell plague that swept through Orre sometime around the time of Wes’ childhood. Though it’s done in a pretty nice fashion here to tee up interest in what this ‘Noctis’ is.

The hours ticked by in silence as the sun slinked lower and lower in the sky. Rui's ears gradually adjusted to the dull roar of the engine, and she found that if she ducked her head at just the right angle, she could keep most of the sand from out of her face. She still found herself wishing for some goggles like the ones Wes had, though.

Rui: “Hey, Wes? I know it might be asking for a lot but can I borrow those goggles?”
Wes: “And who do you think’s going to be driving this thing without them, huh?”

Rui: “... Right, nevermind. I can wait. (Boy I really need to get myself a set of those…)”

After what felt like ages, the bike started to slow. She looked up, hopeful to see their destination—and saw nothing but more desert and an old abandoned train car. What?

Wes rolled the bike to a stop. Bewildered, Rui glanced around again, thinking that maybe she missed something, but the scenery remained desolate and unchanged. She started to feel a little uneasy. Surely Wes hadn't dragged her out here with ill intentions...?

Wes: “For the record, you were here earlier when you were tied up and bundled in that sack. It’s a diner and gas station.”

"Are you coming?" His voice made her jump. He'd already started for the old, worn down building and was impatiently looking at her over his shoulder. His Umbreon and Espeon had been released from their Pokéballs and were already waiting outside the car's entrance.

"Um...where are we, exactly?" Rui asked nervously.

Wes: “The Outskirt Stand? Do you not see the sign dangling from the back of the gutted locomotive?” -_-;
Rui: “Look, it’s not exactly light right now, and from how sun-faded that sign is, I’m not sure I’d be able to read that even during daytime.” >_>;

Wes didn't answer, but jerked his head to the train car. It was only then that she noticed there were lights on inside the thing, and the dim strains of Western music reached her ears. So it wasn't entirely abandoned, after all.

Huh, so the shopkeep keeps this place going even late at night. Though I suppose it’d make sense given that there’s bupkis elsewhere in any direction and there’s a bar in the official depiction.

Rui clambered awkwardly out of the sidecar, once again nearly face-planting into the sand as she did so, and followed Wes as they headed into the...whatever this place was.

It was a diner, apparently.

Novo:

“*It’s more of a gas station. The official description in the games characterizes it as one-*”
Wes: “Look, Neo. There’s places to sit inside and it sells food and booze. It still counts as a diner!” >_>;

Rui blinked in the dim lighting as she surveyed the dusty interior. This place was very different from home, but it was also very different from Phenac. Most of the places she'd seen had tried to flourish despite the lifeless desert, as if trying to fight against their surroundings and prove to be they were something more. This place embraced the empty sands, the lawlessness of the desert, and made it a home—a creaky, grimy, dilapidated one, but a home, nonetheless.

Don’t forget how the entire locomotive and its wheels are all like half-rust at this point. :V

Wes approached the sleepy-eyed man behind the counter, who could only be the owner of the place. He rubbed the back of his head as he addressed him. "Hey, Grogan. Got any Pokéballs in stock?"

The man, Grogan, gave Wes a bleary-eyed stare. "Pokéballs?" he grunted. "The hell do you need those for?"

Huh. I did not recall the guy behind the counter at the Outskirt Stand having a name. Is this from supplemental material to Colosseum, or did you roll this wholesale for the story?

"They're not for me, they're for her." Wes nodded at Rui.

Grogan looked her up and down. He raised an eyebrow at Wes. "Who's this, your mail-order girlfriend?"

I can already see Wes and Rui dying inside of embarrassment.

Rui felt a wave of indignation at the snide remark. She was about to offer a stinging reply when Wes answered. "She's just a lost traveler. I'm doing her a favor."

"Awful long way to come for a favor."

Wes: “We… kinda had reasons to take the long route, really. A bunch of really angry and shouty reasons.” >_>;

[ ]

"We're looking for Pokéballs, do you have them or not?" An edge crept into Wes' voice.

Grogan waved a dismissive hand. "Sure, sure, I got the old things somewhere." He turned and headed into the kitchen. Rui noticed a somewhat startled expression on Wes' face.

It might have made sense to describe Wes’ reaction a little bit more in the bit in brackets, especially if his expression is visibly changing before he asks about Grogan’s Pokéball stash.

"You look pretty surprised he has Pokéballs," Rui observed. "I thought you knew he had them?"

Wes turned to look at her, his surprised expression melting into a smooth, unfazed one. "Well, yeah. This is the only place I've known in Orre to ever sell them, so he doesn't always have them in stock."

Rui: “... I’m sorry, what did you do again such that you’d constantly come out here of all places?”

Wes: “... I was a motorcycle courier for some tough customers?” ^^;

That makes sense, Rui thought. She began to feel slightly ashamed of herself for doubting the trainer. So what if he was a little guarded? He'd saved her life in more than one way today, and she ought to be grateful.

Yeah, my money is just on Rui being inept at reading Auras beyond the highest of levels, since it would explain a lot about how she’s not getting any red flags from any of the people she’s encountered up to this point in the story.

Grogan returned to the counter with a bag in hand. "Got 'em here," he grunted, and then unceremoniously dumped out the bag's contents onto the countertop.

Rui blinked at the little balls rolling across the dingy surface. There was a much greater variety than she'd expected; red, blue, yellow. She stared at them all and realized she didn't have the slightest clue what the difference was between them. "Uh."

Do I want to know just how rock bottom Orre got in the past given that there’s apparently young adults that have grown up this ignorant about how different types of Pokéballs work in this setting?

Wes heaved a weary sigh beside her. "Just all of the regular ones," he said. "And maybe a few Great Balls."

Grogan obliged and packed about half a dozen red Pokéballs and about four blue ones. "Will that be enough?" Wes asked Rui.

Wait, wait, wait. But then what were the yellow Pokéballs in Grogan’s stash? Ultra Balls? Or something different?

"Yeah, those should be fine," Rui mumbled. She dropped her gaze to the floor and shuffled awkwardly, feeling acutely embarrassed at her complete lack of knowledge. She'd expected this to be a relatively simple errand, but clearly she had been utterly unprepared for it. No wonder Papi was hesitant to let me go. I have no idea what I'm doing...

Wes: “... Seriously? Did you never look this up on the internet before going off from home?” [riowtf]
Rui: “Look, I grew up with my grandparents in a backwater where the average resident is like 60 years old, okay? I’m not sure if there’s a computer in the entire village.” >_>;

To make matters worse, Rui quickly realized that neither she nor Wes had a bag to carry the Pokéballs. Grogan merely waved a hand and let her keep the old canvas tote he'd brought the balls out in.

"I've got plenty of space for the rest of these old things, and that bag was just collectin' dust anyway."

Yeah, I guess that there’d be diddly for Pokéball business when there’s next to nothing for wild Pokémon to catch. Though that makes me wonder how much uptake of Pokéballs there is for Orrean trainers whose Pokémon accidentally wreck their Pokéballs for whatever reason.

Rui thanked him profusely and stuffed the balls into her new bag, feeling even more abashed than before. She heard Wes saying something more to the diner owner, but she wasn't paying much attention anymore. She leaned against a wall with a sigh, and felt something brush her hand.

She jumped, and then looked down to see Neo nosing at her fingers. He blinked up at her with dark, inquisitive eyes. Rui couldn't help but smile at the innocence reflected in his silvery aura. He'd done this same thing just hours before, when they were at the restaurant, and he was just so darned cute she couldn't possibly resist showering him with affection.

Huh, so Rui’s aura-vision does come in colors beyond “blue” and “Shadowmon purple”. Noted, then.

Rui crouched down to his level and the Espeon allowed her to stroke his fur with a purr. "You're a glutton for attention, aren't you?"

Neo shamelessly purred louder in response.

Neo: “*Yes, that’s it human, give me all the pets right now~*”

She noticed Novo watching from a safer distance. He sat primly at Wes' feet, crimson eyes narrowed distrustfully as he observed her. She'd attempted to pet him, too, at the restaurant, and his only response had been to snarl at her. Unlike his brother, Novo's aura was a lovely shade of lavender—and it spiked every time she addressed him.

"Novo, was it?" Rui asked softly.

Wait, a shade of lavender? Maybe I’m just overthinking it, but given that Shadow Pokémon in official depictions have a dark-purple aura around them…

The Umbreon answered with a growl.

This caught Wes' attention. He looked over his shoulder and glanced between Rui and Novo. "What are you doing?"

Rui smiled up at him sheepishly. "Just trying to make friends."

Neo: “*And you know, Novo was being a killjoy instead of lightening up and just enjoying the free pets-*”
Novo: “*Well excuse me for valuing my personal space, Neo!*”

He gave her an odd look, but said nothing. Rui was sure he thought she was crazy—although, given the day's events, she couldn't entirely blame him. She sighed and stood, despite Neo's soft protest for more attention.

"I guess your Umbreon doesn't like strangers...sorry about that."

There’s a story behind that one, isn’t there? Since I feel as if there’s a story there.

Though I personally feel that separating Rui’s dialogue from the preceding description works a bit better for making both parts of this paragraph stand out a bit more.

Wes merely shrugged. He nodded to Grogan and made for the door. "Let's go," he said.

Rui blinked. "Go...where?"

"It's too late to go anywhere else, so I booked us a place for the night."

He didn't wait for her reply before pushing his way out the door, so Rui quickly followed him before giving a hurried thanks to the diner owner. She stepped out into the desert air and was surprised by how cool it already was - the temperatures were rapidly dropping now that the sun was almost below the horizon.

… Wait, there’s rooms at the Outskirt Stand that can be rented? I mean, I suppose that makes sense given the events of Chapter 1 now that I think about it, but… where? .-.

"S-sorry, but I'm just confused," she said as she tried to match Wes' brisk pace. "Where exactly are we staying? This place doesn't look like it has any rooms..."

Once again, instead of answering, Wes simply kept walking until they reached the back end of the train car. He kicked away a layer of sand to reveal what looked like some kind of cellar door, then wrenched it open and, to Rui's disbelief, gestured for her to step inside.

This is exactly how you die in horror movies, Rui.

Is there such a thing as a 0-star hotel? If so, I think we just found one.

Rui:

Wes: “Look, this place is a cheap dump without proper air conditioning, are you really surprised that they didn’t build their lodging in the place where there’s natural cooling?” >_>;

Still, Wes hadn't given any indication that he planned to hurt her in any way, and she felt a little better upon seeing his Pokémon dart down the creaky steps as if they'd been here before. She took a deep breath before glancing briefly at Wes.

She couldn't help but notice that the golden rays of the setting sun matched his eyes. Rui balked at this the sudden thought. What is wrong with you? she asked herself sternly. She shook her head slightly and then ducked into the cellar.

Oh, so she’s already getting dreamy over Wes, huh?

It was pleasantly cool in the place, if a little dank and musty. The only source of light was a tiny window right near the ceiling and an old, dim lightbulb that hung so low she nearly hit her head on it. The walls were covered with shelves of stored food, and the only thing on the floor was a small mattress and quilt.

The cellar door slammed shut and Wes stepped into the room behind her. "It's really not much," he said, "but it's the best option available out here." He must have noticed her eyeing the tiny mattress, because he then added, "You can take that. I'll sleep on the floor."

Rui: “You seriously paid to sleep here? At this rate, you might as well just pitch a tent in the desert!”

Wes: “Again, there’s not exactly a ton of options to pick from out here.” >.<

"Are—are you sure?" Rui turned to him uncertainly. She felt as though she'd been asking that question a lot today.

"I prefer the floor anyway."

Oh, so his cats steal the mattress normally, huh?

The weirdest thing about that statement was, he seemed to mean it. This baffled her a little. What kind of person liked to sleep on the floor?

A person whose bed gets sniped by his cats. :V

She sighed and flopped onto the mattress, only to cough and gag as a cloud of dust puffed up into her face.

Wes grimaced a little. "Sorry. Should have warned you about that."

Well, that sounds like another reason for Wes to prefer sleeping on the floor instead of the mattress.

Rui, still coughing, just shook her head and indicated it was fine with a wave of her hand.

Narrator: “It was not fine.”

The trainer gestured to some water bottles sitting near the steps on a crate. "Some water, if you need any," he mumbled, then he went about setting up his space.

Wes removed his blue coat, revealing a black tank top underneath. Rui couldn't help but notice a variety of faint scars across his arms and shoulders. Overwhelming curiosity made her want to ask about them, but she'd gotten the distinct impression that the man hated questions, so instead she held them back.

Yeeeeeeah, somehow I doubt that those scars have happy stories behind them, Rui. So you probably don’t want to go prying willy-nilly when you’ve known this guy for like 6 hours in total.

But then she saw Wes push a large crate up against the wall under the small window, and she couldn't help herself. "What's that for?"

"It's for Novo," he answered simply. "He likes to watch the sky at night."

As if on cue, the Umbreon hopped up onto the crate and peeked at the steadily darkening world through the grimy window. He turned to his trainer and bunted him happily with his head. A tiny smile tugged at the corners of Wes' mouth as he rubbed Novo's chin.

I think that you’re missing either a “the sky” or “the moon” as part of Wes’ line there.

Rui couldn't help but smile a little herself. Gruff though he may be as he was, this odd stranger was certainly soft on his Pokémon.

Oh, so Wes is very “if anything happened to them, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself” with regard to his cats, huh?

Though, huh. I see that the idea of there being a cellar is playing off of how there’s a gap under the Outskirt Stand where the wheels of the locomotive used to be. Or at least I think that’s the idea there.

Wes waited for Rui to get settled on her mattress before turning out the light. The dim lights from the train car overhead filtered through the tiny window, but they were left in almost complete darkness save for Novo's gently pulsing rings.

I actually completely forgot that it’s official fluff that Umbreon’s rings glow when exposed to moonlight. Cute little tie-in there.

"Um, goodnight, I guess," Rui said awkwardly. What did one say in a situation like this?

There was a pause, and for a moment she thought he wouldn't answer her. Then he heard his mumble from his place across the small cellar. "Night."

Rui settled down onto the mattress. She'd never stayed in a place like this, and wondered if she would ever be able to fall asleep. But then the events of the day caught up to her, and her exhaustion pulled her under.

Novo: “*... How on earth were you able to stay up all this time after everything? You’re not even nocturnal!*”

She couldn't be sure what time it was when she woke.

It was still dark outside as Rui sat up. She promptly stifled another cough as more dust swirled up from the mattress at her movements. So much dust everywhere...the first thing she was going to do when she got home was shower.

Rui: “Seriously, I’m starting to think that we should’ve just camped out under the stars last night. Not as if there’s any Pokémon around who could attack us.” >_>;

Still, though...Rui glanced around the dark cellar and shook her head to herself in disbelief. It was wasn't an ideal situation, but it was far better than wherever she might have ended up if she'd never been rescued from that sack…

Rui: “Which is kinda a pathetically low bar to cross, but…” ^^;

A shiver rippled down her spine at the memory: the suffocating heat. The mens' voices and rough hands as they tossed her around like merchandise. The paralyzing terror as she had started to wonder that maybe it didn't matter where they were taking her because she was going to die of heat stroke before she got there…

Rui's hand flew to her necklace. She grasped it tightly, forcing herself to take deep breaths and keep her hands steady. She could feel the edges of the black crescent moon pendant digging into her palm, and the sensation grounded her a little.

You're fine. You're fine. Everything is fine. She closed her eyes. You're safe. You'll be home soon.

I’m honestly a little surprised that you didn’t play Rui’s war flashbacking over being kidnapped as being a nightmare sequence that she wakes up from and then reminds herself that she’s back in the safety of her crummy cellar room, though I suppose that that might be getting a bit too by-the-numbers for plot beats.

Her panic gradually eased and she relaxed her grip on the pendant. Yes, everything would be alright. Soon she would be back home, and everything would be back to normal…

And yet...did she want things to go back to normal? She certainly had no desire to repeat the experience of the last couple days, but Rui's yearning to see more of the world outside of Agate was still as fervent as ever.

She opened her eyes and looked down at her palm, where a crescent moon-shaped indentation had formed from her tight hold. She'd always wanted to travel the region—and maybe even the world someday—ever since Rui's mother had told her stories of her home region of Hoenn...Rui sat quietly for a few moments, lost in a swirl of thoughts and memories.

>had told her

Oh, that’s a omen for what happened to her in this story. Especially since in Colosseum there’s exactly zero hint of Rui’s parents to be seen anywhere.

A soft glow caught her attention. She spotted Novo sitting on his crate by the window, ears pricked, eyes alert as he watched the world outside. Rui couldn't help but wonder if there even was anything to see out there.

Novo: “*Morning twilight and the daystar, duh.*”
Rui: “Er, you’re… certainly quite dedicated about your sky-watching.” .-.

All the same, the Dark-type Pokémon brought a small smile to her face. Rui raised a hand to her necklace once more as fond childhood memories of her mother's Pokémon, another Dark-type, rose to the surface. She watched Novo for a moment, running her thumb over the smooth pendant.

Her mouth felt dry and sticky, and she remembered what it was that caused her to wake. Breaking from her stupor, she slowly rose from her mattress to grab one of the water bottles that Wes mentioned earlier.

Well, looks like being underneath a rusted-out locomotive has its limits for how much natural cooling one gets in the Orrean desert.

The trainer in question was, indeed, on the floor. He'd apparently rolled up his coat to serve as a pillow, and Neo was curled up against his trainer's chest. One arm was loosely draped over the Espeon, and the two were fast asleep. Rui smiled a little at the sight. There had been a time when she thought she would be traveling around, with a Pokémon to sleep beside at night…

So that’s what Rui was up to when she used to have her Swablu, huh?

She shook these thoughts from her mind and was making her way past the sleeping pair to the crate near the door when a low growl met her ears.

Rui glanced over her shoulder to see Novo watching her every move with narrowed crimson eyes. His body was stiff, hairs on the back of his neck raised. She noticed him glance between her and his trainer.

Rui: “Gee, why don’t you go ahead and hiss at me for good measure?” ._.;
Neo: “*Keep at it with that attitude of yours, and I will!*” [absus]

"It's...it's okay, Novo," she whispered slowly. "I'm just getting some water. I won't hurt your trainer, I promise."

Novo continued to stare, but his growls subsided at her words.

Note to self: Pokémon in this continuity apparently have some level of baseline intelligibility of human speech, since Novo sure seemed to understand what Rui was communicating to him there.

Rui moved cautiously to the crate, grabbed a water bottle, and tiptoed past Wes and Neo back to her mattress. Novo again growled softly as she stepped past his trainer a second time, but remained where he was.

She settled back on her mattress with a quiet sigh. She gave the Umbreon a tired smile. "See? I'm harmless, I promise."

I’m not entirely convinced of that given that she has those aura-sensing abilities, but… yeah, I suppose Rui does have a ways to go before she can go making any trainers back down from fights in this Orre.

Novo gave her a hard look that plainly said I doubt that very much before returning to gaze out his window.

I wonder if that’s foreshadowing that Rui’s going to do things in this story other than just be a sidekick who checks auras. Since if Novo is getting a vibe that Rui’s future trouble…

Rui downed the water greedily and was just about to get back to sleep when she heard another sound.

She lifted her head off the pillow. Through the dim light of Novo's glow, she could see Wes twitching in his sleep. His breathing became labored, and he started to mumble something in distress.

"No...please...no—"

Oh boy, nightmare time, huh? Time to find out what the repressed trauma Wes has been having to deal with here is since… uh, there’s quite a few options to potentially choose from. ^^;

Rui paused. Should I wake him? she wondered anxiously. She was pondering what to do when Novo, without a sound, slipped from his perch atop his crate down to the floor below, and stepped up to his trainer.

Rui, just saying, this sounds like a fantastic way to get stabbed by a Skarmory feather right now.

The room brightened a little as his rings filled with light. He bowed his head, touching his muzzle to Wes' forehead, and a soft hum filled the room. After a brief moment, the sound faded, the lights dimmed, and Wes fell back into peaceful slumber with a quiet sigh.

Wait, was that Hypnosis, or…?

Novo silently stalked back to his crate without sparing Rui so much as a passing glance. She could only stare at him in wonder. What was that? Was this a common occurrence? She'd never seen a Pokémon use Hypnosis on their trainer before…

Whelp, Hypnosis confirmed. Though this doesn’t sound remotely healthy right now. Not that there’s likely to be a ton of therapists in Orre.

Rui rested her head back on her pillow. It seemed the more time she spent with this unusual trio, the more questions she had. She was pondering these many questions when she finally drifted back to sleep.

Yeah, I’m not convinced that she’s going to take getting some of the answers to those questions well. Especially the ones regarding what Wes’ former day job used to be.

Wes could not believe that, a full day later, he was right back where he had started.

Not only that, but instead of his Pokémon sitting across from him in their usual diner booth, it was this girl.

Why, is she burning a hole in your pocket with ordering bacon, too?

He'd figured they could all do with some breakfast before returning to Phenac, so here they were, morning sunlight filtering through the dirty windows, waiting for their food to be ready as Neo and Novo downed their kibble at Wes' feet.

Rui: “... I’m sorry, didn’t we have to run away really quickly from Phenac just yesterday since you ran into some thugs? Why do we want to go back there so quickly?” .-.

He put his head into his gloved hands and sighed. It's like Arceus himself doesn't want me to leave this place.

Arceus: “Well, duh. I need you to be the protagonist for this desert cesspool, so take the hint already.”

"Es-piiiii?" Neo peeked at him from under the table with wide, sparkling eyes.

"Neo, you're getting regular Pokémon food today, and I swear to Arceus if you whine to me about it, I'll put you in your ball for the rest of the day," Wes growled.

Ah, so there’s the whining for bacon we were all expecting. :V

Neo looked thoroughly mortified at this answer, but he knew defeat when he saw it. He slunk back to his place under the table with a pout.

Rui giggled at the sight. "He must love human food, huh?"

"Mostly just bacon," Wes muttered. A small part of him regretted the day he'd let the two brothers try some. What a pair of monsters he'd created.

Yeeeeeah, those two’s cholesterol readings must be stratospheric if they’re going through bacon as often as Wes is implying there. ^^;

Rui placed her elbows on the table and leaned in a little. "So we're going back to Phenac today, yeah?"

"That's the plan."

[ ]

"Do you have a P*DA or something? I'd really like to find a way to contact you and pay you back when I can..."

"I don't give out my number to people I don't know. Sorry."

This is a moment where it makes sense to say a little more about Rui’s reaction / facial expression, IMO. Though it might also make sense to have either Wes or Rui reiterate why they’re going back to Phenac right now. I might have been overlooking something, but I’m not sure if either of the two explicitly stated why they’re going back after their scare yesterday.

"Oh?" She cocked her head at him, a smile dancing across her face. "You don't give out your number to strangers, but you'll rescue them from kidnappers, escort them around the city, and give them food and a place to stay for the night?"

Wes felt a small tinge of warmth in his face. "That's...different."

Wes: “Yes, yes, I’m dumb and impulsive sometimes. You don’t need to rub it in.” >_>;

"It's very different from just giving out your number, I agree." She smirked.

"Look, I didn't—I don't—"

Rui laughed, and the sound filled the small diner. Wes was grateful that there weren't any other customers to give them weird looks this time.

"I'm teasing, Wes. You don't have to give me your number if you aren't comfortable. I just want to pay you back, that's all."

Wes’ face is beet red right now, isn’t it? :P

[ ]

"Well...don't worry about it," Wes mumbled in response. He'd much rather send this girl on her way and never have to contact her again. It was simpler that way.

Another spot where it might make sense to slow down a bit and describe Wes’ reaction a bit more.

The call for their order came, and he was grateful for the chance to end the conversation, if only briefly. He knew she would likely pepper him with more questions once he returned with their food—and, lo and behold, he was right.

Ah yes, living up to that chapter in live-time, I see. o<o

"So, where are you heading?" Rui asked him around a mouthful of omelette.

"Pyrite, actually." Wes had pondered a few false answers to give her, so as to prepare for the onslaught of questions.

Rui's eyes widened in shock. She hastily swallowed her bite of food. "Pyrite? But...why?"

Wes shrugged. "Thought I might take on the Colosseum challenge there."

Oh, so that’s how Wes winds up getting roped into the Colosseum plot in spite of attempting to peace out from the region and hop a boat in Gateon.

"Ohhhh!" Rui suddenly leaned forward in excitement, putting her face far too close to Wes' for his comfort. "That's so cool! Agate doesn't have a Colosseum, so I've never seen any Colosseum matches before!"

Can’t tell whether that’s a bad or a good thing given some canonical trends at Orre’s Colosseums at around this time in the official narrative.

"Um, yeah." Wes leaned away from her to regain some breathing room. Not for the first time, he wondered what in Mew's name was wrong with this girl. Had she never heard of personal space?

This is going to turn out to be Juri Katou from Digimon Tamers all over again where it turns out that Rui has some serious personal issues and hides it behind a perky and bubbly exterior, huh?

Thankfully, Rui sat back in her seat with a resigned sigh. "If this trip has taught me anything, it's that I really haven't seen enough of Orre. So much of it is so different from what I'm used to."

Wes: “... I mean, there’s sand, shadows, and all-around ‘desert craphole’ just about everywhere? Really, outside of a couple towns like Phenac and Gateon, you’re really not missing out on much here compared to your trees in Agate Village.”

It's about time you realized.

"You could always change that, you know," said Wes as he picked at his plate. "You shouldn't wait too long to leave a place." Like me, he thought ruefully.

Oh, so Wes had a chance to leave Orre in the past but didn’t take it? Or at least I think that that’s the implication?

"I would, but...I probably shouldn't go alone." Rui gave a slightly bitter laugh. "I mean, we both know how that went when I tried it."

"Then go with someone."

"I don't really have anyone to go with."

Rui: -stares insistently across the table-
Wes: “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Neo: “*Oh come on, Wes. You know that we have to get her into this story somehow. Besides, I like her!*”

"What, you don't have trainer friends?"

She dropped her gaze to the table. "No, actually," she said hesitantly. "I mean, Agate is mostly full of old, retired Ace trainers and maybe a few young families that are related to them.”

[ ]

“There wasn't anybody my age growing up, so...I didn't really have any friends." She grinned at him sheepishly. "Sounds kind of pathetic, huh?"

I would recommend splitting Rui’s dialogue up and giving her some sort of awkward body language, but yeah. This definitely sounds very ‘Agate Village’ from what I recall of it. ^^;

No, Wes thought, It sounds...lonely. For once, he thought he could relate to her, if only just a little. "Well, get yourself some Pokémon, then. Be a trainer. You're probably safest that way, anyway."

Rui: “... Wes, this is Orre. How do you expect me to get Pokémon on my own in this region?”

Wes: “Look lady, just sna-”
Neo + Novo:
[hand_over_throat_gif]
Wes: “Ask some trainers for advice? There’s Pokémon Centers in this region, right?” ^^;

Rui laughed again. "Come on. You and I both know Pokémon aren't easy to come by. They haven't been since the Johtohan War." The smile faded from her face a little. "I...I don't do Pokémon, anyway."

Wes frowned at her. "Why not?" She certainly seemed to like them enough.

"I just...don't."

Because her last one died in her arms when she was a child and it hugely traumatized her. Or at least I’m pretty sure that was the implication from that one short story in your drabble collection.

Though ‘Johtoan War’, huh? I see that their problems didn’t stay on their side of the mountains.

It was the first vague answer she'd given. Wes took the hint and didn't press the issue further. They finished their meal soon after and headed out to Wes' motorbike.

Rui: “But don’t motorbikes usually have at least two wheels-?”
Wes: “Look, I’m not calling it a ‘unicycle’, okay?” >_>;

Neo had warmed up to Rui quite a bit over the last twenty-four hours. Wes had a suspicion that it had to do with the fact that she was always showering him with attention and praise whenever the Espeon so much as looked at her. He narrowed his eyes as he watched Neo rub up against her legs with a hopeful mewl.

Well, yes, that would definitely help with getting him to warm up there. :V

"Oh my gosh, you're so adorable!" Rui giggled as Neo brushed against her. He answered with a happy chirp. She grinned over her shoulder at Wes. "I think he really likes me!"

"He likes everybody," Wes replied dryly, although he knew that wasn't exactly true.

As we all saw in Chapter 1 with his behavior towards the Team Snagem randoms, but he likes everyone that matters in this story thus far. ^^;

Rui didn't seem to hear his remark and walked ahead to the motorcycle with a spring in her step. Wes glared down at his Espeon. "Stop sucking up to her. She's not staying."

Neo:

Neo's only response was to blink smugly at his trainer before sauntering ahead, tail held high.

Brat.

Neo: “*Just saying, our writer wouldn’t be getting artwork of you two if she wasn’t going to stick around.*”

Wes: “Oi, you don’t know that!”

He once again had to return Neo and Novo to their Pokéballs to make room for Rui in the sidecar. Neo was more willing to go along with it this time, but Novo seemed more sour about it than ever. Wes sighed quietly to himself and wondered how long his Umbreon would hold this against him.

Novo: “*Wes, that’s my sidecar!*”

Wes: “Look, just… bear with me a bit here, okay, Novo?” >_>;

Once they were both seated, he heard Rui speak up from beside him. "To Phenac, then?"

Wes nodded and gripped the handlebars. "To Phenac." And then, finally, to Gateon. And beyond.

He roared up the engine, and they were off into the desert once more.

Neo: “*Lol. Lmao.*”
Wes: “Oi, get back in your Pokéball, Neo!” >.<

Neo liked the new girl.

He had decided so almost immediately upon seeing her emerge from that stuffy brown sack. Even though he'd sensed anxiety and fear rolling off her in waves, he also sensed something else: kindness. Gentleness. Sincerity.

He liked that. It reminded him of his trainer.

Oh, so Neo can sense aura too… maybe. That might just be more standard empathic abilities there.

Her vivaciousness made itself known as they walked around town, and he liked her even more. Her bright spirit added a new dynamic to the trio that Neo had not seen before, and it was fun. Novo was always serious and alert, and Wes always made an effort to remain composed and impassive. Neo loved them, but Mew above, being the only energetic one of the group sometimes got downright boring.

Oh, so Neo was basically the foil to Wes and Novo’s Grumpy Guses, huh? :P

Her energetic enthusiasm, while thrilling to him, only seemed to agitate his trainer. She peppered him with questions, laughed a lot, and walked with a bounce in her step all while irritation quietly emanated from Wes in spades. Neo found this highly entertaining to watch.

inb4 Novo’s just actively mirroring Wes’ mood right now, since I remember how he was described interacting with Rui in the hotel room scene.

But aside from her odd red hair, her loud laughter, and her bubbly personality, there was one reason above all others why he liked the girl so much.

She was a total pushover.

Rui: “I’m sorry, excuse me?”

He'd discovered this as they sat at their booth in the Phenac restaurant. While his trainer spoke with the girl, Neo had cautiously leaned forward to sniff her hands from his place at Wes' feet. Her scent was pleasant yet unfamiliar, and it stoked his curiosity. She must have felt his whiskers, because suddenly her attention was on him and she was stroking his head and cooing at him all the while, telling him how handsome and beautiful he was.

Well, she clearly had good taste.

Novo: “*Seriously, Neo?*”

Neo: “*You know, if you were a bit less salty and jealous and more gregarious, maybe she’d have given you some pets, too.*” >:V

He tested this a few more times, and sure enough, each time he brushed against her, he was showered with her affection. She seemed absolutely thrilled every time he paid attention to her, and she was more than willing to return the favor.

I wonder if Wes is similarly putty in Neo’s paws or if he’s a bit more resistant to his efforts there.

They were at the Outskirt Stand when Neo decided to test this even further. He was pouting under the table after he'd given Wes the Begging Eyes and was told a hard ‘no’. The smell of bacon wafted tantalizingly in the air, and Neo chuffed and gloomily laid his head on his paws. He couldn't believe his trainer sometimes. Who could possibly deny him, Neo the Great (and Handsome, according to the redhead) Espeon, when he put on the charm? Apparently his stone-cold trainer could. Hmphf.

>this thought process

I mean, it’s definitely very archetypically “cat” there.

His eyes rested on the pink pair of boots across from him, and he had an idea.

He waited until near the end of their meal when Wes briefly left the table to pay for their food, then slunk over to the girl and rested his head in her lap. He let his ears and tail droop, then looked her straight in the eyes and blasted her with Irresistible Cuteness, utilizing his Begging Eyes to the max.

Ah yes, kitty eyes in action. I can already tell that Neo ate good from this given what we’ve seen of Rui so far in this story.

It was a sight to behold. Her face crumbled, her resolve wilted, and she glanced quickly about before discreetly slipping him a piece of bacon under the table.

"Don't tell Wes," she whispered.

Yeah, I knew it. So just how much jealous seething was Novo doing afterwards, huh? o<o

Neo devoured the meat with gusto. He could feel his brother's stare of disbelief on the back of his head and could practically hear him asking where his dignity went. Neo chose to ignore this, and instead licked the last remnants of bacon from his muzzle and settled down smugly at Wes' feet when he returned. Score one for the Espeon.

Yes. Neo liked the new girl very much.

Oh, so Novo really was jealously seething over Neo getting bacon and not him.

Novo was very unsure about current events.

True, he did help his brother pressure Wes into stepping in to rescue the girl, but he hadn't expected her to stay. The longer she stayed with them, the greater worse the anxiety was that he could sense from his trainer seemed to get. And Novo disliked anyone who set his trainer on edge.

Which was basically everyone that wasn't him and Neo, but that was beside the point.

Oh, so Novo basically reciprocates Wes’ “if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself” outlook he has towards his cats, huh? Or at least I’m getting that vibe from this.

Though there are some phrasing tweaks that I’d suggest for this paragraph here.

This girl. She was naive. And boisterous. And loud. Her laugh grated on Novo's ears, and he thought her voice was loud enough to draw attention from two streets over. Hadn't the plan been to blend in and go as unnoticed as possible? In fact, wasn't the plan to be well on their way to Gateon by now?

I take it that Novo’s the closer of Wes’ cats to him, since Novo’s overall outlook feels an awful lot like Wes’ own.

Novo sensed from Wes' quiet tension and frustration that he was having the same thoughts as the Umbreon. The mounting anxiety to be on the road almost made him regret begging his trainer to save the girl. Almost. Much as he disliked her, he was sure that sack had not been a comfortable place to be, and kicking those men and their Whismur to the curb had been fun. Still, her bubbly demeanor rubbed his fur the wrong way.

Can’t tell if that’s a sign that Novo also has empathic abilities or if this is just samemind with Wes right now.

His opinion of the girl lessened even further when, at the restaurant, she'd tried to pet him. She'd stretched out a cautious hand, as if to touch his head, and he snarled at her. Sure, she didn't seem like a threat—far from it—but if Wes didn't want her to get close, then Novo wouldn't let her get close to himself, either. It was that simple.

Novo:

Nonetheless, he suffered through their annoyingly long stay at Phenac City. Once the girl was set, she would be on her way, and they would be on theirs. No more invasive questions or weirdly bright smiles.

Neo: “*Again:

*”

But for some reason, she followed them as they finally made their way back to the motorbike. Wes had picked up the pace considerably, and Novo felt joyous at the prospect of moving ahead as planned. Yet...the girl was still here. Did she not understand? Was she that naive? Surely—surely—Wes wasn't planning on bringing her along?

No, but it’s not as if that’s ever stopped a story protagonist from getting drug along into things that they didn’t want to do.

Novo's shock was immeasurable when Wes crouched down to level with him and told him he would have to go in his Pokéball.

What?

His trainer seemed displeased at the idea, too, as he mumbled an apology to him, but Novo's shock only deepened further when he saw the redhead make for the sidecar.

Wes: “I mean, we already went through this yesterday and there’s kinda not any room left for you and Neo when Rui’s sitting in the sidecar, so…” ^^;

What?

Not only was he being forced back into his Pokeball for the second time today, he was being booted out of the sidecar? His spot? The spot where he loved to watch the scenery fly by and feel the wind in his fur? All for this—this girl? This girl, of all people?

Wes:

“Come on, Novo. It’s just until we get to Gateon and blow this sand pit.”

The feeling of betrayal was palpable. He made certain Wes knew this by cramming every fiber of his wounded pride into a piercing glare before he was sucked into his Pokéball.

This girl.

Novo did not like this girl.

Novo: “*Neo, are you sure there’s no way we can get Rui out of the plot faster-?*” >_>;
Neo: “*No, Novo. This is a Colosseum novelization, so she’s going to be around the entire time. Seriously, lighten up and butter her up a bit. It’s an easy way to get free bacon!*” ^^

Alright, took me a bit longer than normal, but I think that I’m ready to give that summary. This seemed to be a bit of a transitional chapter, but even so I thought that it was fun to read. The little hints of the bigger parts of the characters’ and the region’s backstory were neat to see and it makes me wonder how soon we’ll get to see those come out on screen since… yeah, thar be some potential fireworks down the pipe. The characterization was also a lot of fun, especially getting to see the rest of the core cast’s outlooks and their personalities reflect through the narration. I wasn’t expecting to see scenes from Neo and Novo’s perspectives, but they were fun additions, and they seem like entertaining foils to each other.

As for criticisms, I don’t have too much to levy at this chapter. There’s some little quibbles that I had about phrasing or formatting of different paragraphs here and there. Beyond that, the only real bone that I had to pick was a couple of parts where I thought it’d have been nice to see characters’ reactions or thought processes in more detail, along with a couple parts where details from past chapters might have been worth bringing up again (e.x. Wes’ motivation for going back to Phenac in spite of his scare in the last chapter).

But altogether, I’m having a lot of fun with these chapters of OSAS @HelloYellow17 , and while it’s obviously a departure from the canonical story in the games, all of the additions and differences still feel like believable outgrowths from that base story while being different enough to feel distinct from a game playthrough. Hope the feedback was fun and helpful to read through, and I’ll be looking forward to seeing where things go in the last of my prize reviews in about a week.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, sorry to keep you waiting, but I’m back for that last of three prize reviews that you won from me from the last Review Blitz. So I suppose that that’s as good a sign as any to get back into things with Wes, Rui, and the cats:

Chapter 5

Spoiler

Oh huh, so you do chapter art from time to time in this story. Duly noted then, even if Neo and Novo don’t exactly look like they’re terribly happy this go-around. Wonder what their deal this chapter will be.

Wes couldn’t help but grumble a little once Phenac City came into view.

Yesterday he had hoped to never have to lay eyes on this city again, and yet here he was, shielding his eyes from its brightness even with his shaded goggles on.

Wes: “I was supposed to be in Gateon by now…” >.<
Novo: “*I mean, nobody forced you to drive back to the Outskirt Stand, so…*”

He parked in his usual place outside the city wall, released Neo and Novo immediately, and stalked back through the city entrance with Rui close behind. He’d alerted the two Eons to keep close and stay watchful, just in case.

He didn’t think Wakin’s impatience would have kept him in the city for very long, but he couldn’t afford to be careless. Especially not since he still had the Snag Machine...he spared a glance at the metal sleeve.

I wasn’t really feeling the semicolon structure there so I recommended a tweak to split things up a bit. Though I like how Wes is worrying about standing out when he’s literally strutting around with a one-of-a-kind piece of technology right now. >:V

“Wes! Rui!”

Someone was shouting their names. Wes cursed quietly under his breath; having someone shouting his name in a busy city was not an idea he was fond of. He looked for the source, but Rui spotted them first - Dash and Marla, running towards them from across the street.

“Oh my goodness!” Marla panted once they’d reached them. She was looking at Rui with dismay. “You...I can’t believe you’re still here! You should have left by now, dear!”

Waaaaaait, who are these two again? Were these the two randos who ran into Wes and Rui after Rui got sprung out of her sack? If so, it might make sense to add a reminder of that in passing since it’s been a few chapters since that moment.

“W-well, we technically did leave, but-” Rui began.

“That’s not important now!” said Dash. He looked panicked. “Rui, those men that took you - they’re back! They’re here, and they were headed to the Mayor’s house!”

Ah yes, that’s something that’s going to read really, really differently towards the end of this story.

Rui’s face drained of color. “Are...are you sure it was them?”

Dash nodded solemnly. “I’m sure. Positive. It was definitely them.” He looked between her and Wes with worry.

“I-I’m really worried for the Mayor! You told him about them yesterday, right? What if they found out and...and...” he trailed off and gave Wes a pleading look.

I like how this bit from Dash reads completely different depending on how aware the reader is about certain late-game developments in Colosseum’s plot. Kudos on pulling off the narrative equivalent of a repeat watch bonus.

Wes: “Aaaaand this is going to wind up being our problem, isn’t it?”

Wes was rubbing his temples in frustration. Another distraction. Another. Damned. Thing. He sighed yet again. Rather than fight it this time, he figured if they could power through the issue quickly, then he could still be heading to Gateon by the end of the day.

Yeah, I figured that’d be Wes’ reaction here. :P

He raised his head and fixed Dash and Marla with narrowed eyes. “All right, here’s the deal. We’ll go check on the Mayor and make sure everything is fine. Maybe we can even report that you two saw those men back in the city. And then we’ll get going, because we really need to be on our way.”

Narrator:

He could have sworn Marla had watery eyes as she thanked them. “Such incredible young people you are!” she sniffed. She and Dash said they would continue to look for the suspects before they parted ways.

Wes: “Wait, why am I even agreeing to this instead of going straight to my bike right now?”

Rui: “Oh come on, Wes. The Mayor’s house is right here, and it sounds like he could really be in trouble!” O_O;

“Do-do you think the Mayor’s okay?” Rui’s face was taut with worry as they made for his home. “What if they did find out and they’re here to do something to him?”

“He’ll be fine,” said Wes shortly. “First of all, those two thugs had less than one brain cell to share between them, and second of all, we’re talking about the Mayor. He’ll have security with him. Remember that doorman?”

I’ll take “Words that will age like milk” for $500. If not for the reason that Rui’s worried about.

“Yeah...yeah, you’re right,” Rui said. She relaxed a little. “He should be fine - but I am glad you offered to check on him. I’ll be glad to know for sure.” She smiled at him. “You’re a really good person, Wes.”

Wes: “(Great, now I feel awkward and anxious that she’s going to find out about my old day job again.)” >_>;

No, I’m not, Wes thought with annoyance. He felt ready to sock the next person who needed a favor in the jaw. He wanted to get. Out. Of. Here.

Man, can I call ‘em or what? o<o

[ ] They made it to the Mayor’s house in good time, largely due to Wes walking so fast and Rui almost needing to jog to keep up. The massive estate looked very much unchanged from the day before. Wes snorted and shook his head. Such a waste of time.

I feel as if you’re missing some transition between here and the last line since it feels like we have a very abrupt cut-ahead between Wes and Rui speaking and them suddenly being at the mayor’s house.

Still, they marched up the steps. Rui bounded forward to knock on the door with her usual enthusiasm -

And the door creaked open.

She let out a gasp, and even Wes felt an unpleasant sinking feeling in his stomach. Certainly there was an explanation. The doorman had just forgotten to shut the door tight and lock it...right?

Wes + Rui:

Rui hesitated, then pushed her way inside.

“What - Rui!”

But the girl had already stepped through the doorway. Wes could see that the lights were out inside, and he uttered a few more curses under his breath. Did this girl have a death wish?

No, she’s just very, very situationally unaware given that she managed to get herself kidnapped in Pyrite within like a day of leaving Agate Village.

He hastily followed her inside with Neo and Novo at his heels. She had only ventured in a few steps and was now looking about the room. Wes grabbed her by the arm with a growl.

“Are you stupid?” He hissed. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Wes: “Better question, were you even thinking when you set foot through the door there?” >.<

Rui turned to look at him with horror in her eyes. “Wes...” she whispered. He could feel her trembling in his grip.

Wes then noticed their surroundings, and he immediately understood her fear.

The office was unrecognizable from the day before. Not only were the lights out, but the room was destroyed; papers were scattered all over the floor, the fireplace was shattered, furniture was upended everywhere. Wes noticed the tea set that had been used to serve them yesterday was smashed into pieces on the floor.

Wes + Rui:

Wes: “Dammit, I knew I should’ve just gotten on my bike and kept driving to Gateon.”

“Rui,” he said slowly, “we need to get out of here. Now.”

He was just about to drag her back outside when the door at the other end of the room burst open.

Wes + Rui:

At first, he wasn’t sure what he was looking at. For half a crazed second, as he saw a massive ball of red and white, he thought he might be looking at a bizarre Pokemon. And then he realized it wasn’t what he was looking at, but whom.

The man that stood before them was tall, lanky, and dressed in some kind of ridiculous bright yellow track suit. His face was covered with gaudy shades, and he was adorned with flashy jewelry. But most noticeable of all was his hair; a massive afro that, for all intents and purposes, looked as though it defied the laws of physics just by how big it was. But the absurdity didn’t stop there - the hair was dyed two colors and split evenly down the middle, one side white, the other a fiery red.

Ah yes, hello, Miror B. Time to cue the theme music:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAHHFc-gIeI

Wes briefly wondered if this wasn’t just a hallucination. What did he have for breakfast, again...?

Bacon prepared in a sketchy diner? ^^;

Afro Hair was apparently talking to someone else as he entered. His high, nasally voice carried a lilting accent that was almost as obnoxious as the fluff on his head.

“Now, now, darling, ain’t no need to get your hair worked up in a frizz. Why, that lil’ gal can’t have gone far, can - oh!” He squawked in surprise upon noticing Wes and Rui in the room. “Boys, I think we have company!”

Yup, that definitely sounds on-brand for Miror B. there.

Two more men stepped into the room from behind him, and Rui gasped in terror. She grabbed Wes by the arm and stood close to him. “Those - they - they’re-”

“I know,” Wes replied. He looked Folly and Trudly up and down with disgust. So these men had the nerve to come back to this place?

Oh huh, that’s a bit different from how things went down in the actual game, since at first I was asking “wait, was this really how this moment went?”. I see the “slight divergences from canon” are back in this story, not that I’m complaining about it since it does a good job at keeping readers familiar with Colosseum’s plot on their toes.

Neo and Novo stepped forward and faced the three men with bristling fur and low growls.

“Gah!” Trudly barked in alarm and pointed an accusing finger at Wes. “That’s - that’s him, boss! He’s the one who ran us out of town yesterday! An’ that’s the girl, there!”

The “boss” placed a hand on his hip and cocked his head to the side as he surveyed the newcomers. He scoffed and turned his head back to Trudly. “Are you boys tellin’ me you lost to this lil’ scrap?”

Wes: “Lil’ scrap?! You’re one to talk as the walking fashion disaster here!”

Trudly shuffled awkwardly. “Uh, Folly battled him, sir,” he said quickly.

“What’re you throwin’ me under the bus for?” Folly snapped. “You’da lost, too!”

Though gotta love early game mook competence. Even if I see that those other two Cipher goons aren’t here at the moment.

Wes had started to inch toward the door, pulling Rui along with him. If they could just make a break for it while they were arguing amongst themselves -

The strange man’s gaze suddenly snapped back to Wes in his escape attempt. “Oh, I don’t think so, sonny boy!” he sneered. “Trudly, care to prove to me you’re not a pathetic lil’ sap like our dear Folly over here?”

Folly made a noise of indignation, looking highly affronted.

“Sure thing, Boss!” Trudly barked. He whipped two Pokeballs from his belt and hurled them onto the floor.

Wes: “Yeah, this won’t take long. I can already tell.”

Two beams of light faded to reveal a Duskull and a Spinarak. Wes almost shook his head at the pitiful Pokemon. Did these thugs really think they stood a chance against Neo and Novo?

I mean, at least they’re both super effective against at least one of the cats? Even if there’s almost nothing else going for those two right now. ^^;

But still, getting into another messy situation was not on today’s agenda. He took another step closer to the door -

A web shot from the Spinarak’s mouth and stuck to the door over Wes’ shoulder. With a fierce tug, it was slammed shut.

Wes: “Oh for crying out loud…” >.<

“Oh-ho!” the odd man cackled. “Tryin’ to run away, now? And here I thought you was some gentleman lookin’ out for this girl!” His eyes rested on the redhead as he mentioned her. Rui shivered and took another step closer to Wes.

“Here’s the deal, sonny! You hand that girl back over to us, nice an’ easy, and we let you go free! How do that sound?”

Wes: “And you expect this to end any differently than last time why?”

Trudly: “Because this time, you’re fighting me and not Folly.”

Folly:

“What do you want with me?” Rui snapped. She was quivering, but her eyes were fierce.

“Well, lil’ gal, we was hopin’ you could tell us.” A sneer slid its way across the man’s face. “What are you doin, goin’ around and seein’ things you’re not supposed to see?”

Oh huh, so you gave Miror B’s line from the analogous moment in the games to Trudly in this story. Though I suppose it has a certain logic to it since it always did feel a bit weird for Miror B to spell out why Rui was important and then not get his hands dirty trying to keep her from getting away on his own.

Rui’s eyes widened in horror. “You did do something to that Makuhita!”

A sudden ringing interrupted the exchange. The man gave a start and giggled. “Whoops-a-daisy! Pardon me, boys and girls!” He pulled his P*DA out of his pocket and answered. “Hellooooo?”

Wait, which man is this? Trudly? Folly? Or…? It might make sense to either add a descriptor or else a straight-up namedrop to make things unambiguous.

There was an incredibly awkward silence as he listened to the other side of the phone call. Nobody else in the room dared to speak. Folly was seething with anger near the opposite doorway, and Trudly was growling at Wes, clearly itching for a battle. Neo and Novo stood planted firm, growling at the men and now Trudly’s Pokémon. The Spinarak and Duskull were shifting in front of them, eyeing their opponents warily.

Oh, I guess the man was supposed to be Miror B. I didn’t realize that he was still here in the room. ^^;

“W-Wes...” Rui’s frightened whisper reached his ears. “I’m so sorry - we shouldn’t have come here - I shouldn’t have barged in-”

“You think?” he growled at her. Rui ducked her head. Wes could still feel her trembling. Despite his annoyance, he felt a small tug of sympathy for her.

Oh, so this is why you have that art of Neo and Novo having angryfaces, huh? Or at least I’m pretty sure we’re going to see them sporting them in like 5 seconds.

“I won’t turn you over, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he mumbled back to her. Rui kept her gaze on the floor, but she tightened her grip and nodded.

“You...think we can get out of here?” she whispered.

Wes snorted. “Please. Neo and Novo will take care of this.”

Huh. I’m surprised that Wes didn’t go for his Skarmory knife feather at all, though I suppose it’d make sense to go for Pokémon first and then any personal weapons since that’s probably the default threat matrix for hostile encounters in general in this setting.

But even if we escape, what happens to the Mayor? he wondered. There was no indication of where the Mayor might be. Maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t actually home and they hadn’t come for him after all, but something else...?

It was a small thing to hope for, but he did anyway.

Yeah, this definitely reads differently if you’re aware of some of the later parts of Colosseum’s canonical plot.

“Ah, just lovely! Goodbye, darling!” The man with the afro ended his phone call with a flourish of his hand before returning the P*DA to his pocket. He turned to the grunts behind him. “Well, boys, I’m off to Pyrite now! Ta-ta!”

Wes: “Wait, why have you just been standing here all this time? I thought that you already walked out the door!” >_>;

“Wh-what?” Trudly spluttered. “You’re just gonna leave us to deal with this alone?”

“Yes indeed, darling,” his boss drawled with a wink. “I have frightfully important business to attend to, so I’ll be on my way. But I do trust you’ll have the girl with you the next time we meet.” His last sentence, though still drawled in his light, lilting voice, suddenly contained a cold and dangerous edge to it.

Trudly paled in fear and nodded. “I-I‘ll do it, boss!” he stammered.

And thus why these two promptly yeet themselves in jail after losing instead of risking facing the wrath of their boss in the games. It feels like a pretty believable take on it, even if it definitely gives Miror B. more of a sinister undertone than one might reflexively expect from his outwardly goofy demeanor.

“See that you do.” The man glanced back over his shoulder at Wes and Rui and winked. “Was lovely meeting you, darlings!” He sauntered off through the back door and was gone.

“Was he for real?” Wes mumbled dazedly. Rui gave a nervous laugh.

Wes: “... Please tell me that we’re never going to see him again.” -_-;
Narrator: “He will absolutely see him again.”
Wes: “... Fantastic.”

“All right, boy,” Trudly snarled. His face was twisted with fierce hostility, but there was something akin to desperation in his eyes. “You heard the boss! He needs the girl back. Pronto. Hand her over and nobody gets hurt.”

Wes:

“No, thanks,” Wes said cooly.

I mean, yeah. :V

Folly glanced between the two of them nervously. He sidled towards the door.

“You wanna do this the hard way, then?” Trudly roared. “FINE! Hard way it is!” He addressed his Pokemon. “String Shot and Shadow Ball!”

Ah yes, only the finest teamwork™ between these two. I like how Folly isn’t even waiting for Trudly to lose and he’s already eyeing the door to bolt.

“Neo, Confusion on that Spinarak!” Wes barked. “Novo, keep that Duskull away from him and Bite whenever possible!”

The Eeveelutions acknowledged their orders with a bark. Novo was immediately tied up in a String Shot, but he gnawed his way through the sticky webs with Bite; Neo dodged the Shadow Ball and plowed into the Spinarak with Confusion. The spider screeched as it was thrown into the opposite wall and fell motionless to the floor in one hit.

The Duskull fired another Shadow Ball, and this time it struck Neo’s shoulder with enough force to send him tumbling. The Espeon yowled in pain, but before the Duskull could launch another attack, he was yanked out of the air by Novo’s jaws. The Umbreon had leaped onto the desk to reach his foe, and now hurled him down to the ground with a fierce tug. The Duskull wailed and shot another Shadow Ball at the Pokemon; the attack rolled off Novo’s shoulders with almost no effect whatsoever. He lunged and ended the scuffle with a swift Bite.

Okay, so admittedly A: I have a tendency to be a bit wordy and overdescriptive, B: the in-game equivalent of this is a pretty forgettable early battle, but I do wonder if there’s a lot going on in just these two paragraphs that would work better with more paragraphs that were more described. Since the first paragraph in particular reads almost like an action log and it’s a bit hard to visualize the attacks and how they’re sailing around.

Trudly roared and raged. “You - you PATHETIC LITTLE-” he swore vehemently and returned his fallen Pokemon to their balls before turning on Wes. “I’M NOT FINISHED YET!”

Wes: “Yeah, no. You seem pretty done right now, buddy.”

Rui’s eyes widened. “Wes-”

“Not now, Rui.” Wes focused intently on his opponent.

“But - Wes -”

Wes: “Ugh, what-?”

She didn’t get to finish her thought. Another beam of light filled the room as Trudly unleashed his third and final Pokemon.

A Makuhita.

Wes: “... Seriously? This is what you’ve been losing your mind over?”
Rui: “Wes, that isn’t a normal Makuhita, okay?!” O.O

Rui choked a cry from behind Wes. “That’s the one, Wes!” she cried. “There’s something wrong with that Pokémon!”

Wes looked the Makuhita up and down; it didn’t seem like there was anything wrong with it. Sure, its tense posture and fierce growls were aggressive, but he didn’t see how -

Without a command, the Makuhita hurled itself at Novo with terrifying speed. Novo scrambled to get out of the way, but he’d been caught off guard. The Makuhita slammed a fist into the Umbreon’s side and sent him flying into the lounge area, crashing into a knocked over couch.

Novo: “*... Ow.*”

Wes: “Oh, that tears it! Neo! Light that punching bag up!”

Wes hissed through clenched teeth. This Makuhita was fast. No matter; it was still outnumbered, with a type disadvantage to boot. “Neo! Confusion!”

The Espeon was back on his feet and ready to rumble. He blasted a wave of Psychic energy at the Makuhita. Wes could hear Rui shouting in alarm, but he didn’t listen. What was she so worried about? This battle would end quickly soon enough, they were fine -

10 words thought seconds from disaster.

The Makuhita barreled straight through Neo’s Confusion. Wes blinked. That was new.

Neo let out another howl as his foe tossed him effortlessly to the side and kept gunning forward - straight at Wes.

Oh.

Wes: “Oh. Oh fu-”

He barely had time to react. He ducked and dove to the side, but he wasn’t quite fast enough to dodge the entire blow. The Makuhita’s fist glanced off his right shoulder, and Wes felt something pop, followed by a thrill of pain shooting down his arm as he crashed to the floor.

Wes: “Yeah, that arm’s totally dislocated right now, isn’t it?”

Rui’s screams filled his ears. The Makuhita lunged for her next, but Novo rammed it out of the way with a Return. The Pokémon tumbled across the floor, then scrabbled to its feet with another snarl, and Wes got a good look at its eyes.

He felt a shiver go down his spine; he’d never seen such empty, such soulless eyes in a Pokemon before. He’d seen more than his fair share of abused and neglected Pokémon during his time in Snagem, but none of them had been quite like this. This Makuhita was filled with nothing, nothing at all, except pure, unfiltered hatred.

Makuhita:

Team Wes:

Trudly: “Hah! See, Folly! That’s how you put ‘em on the ropes!”
Folly: “Yeah, I’m just gonna leave before that… thing turns and mauls me.” o_o;

“Rui - Rui!” Wes shouted, sitting up and trying to put some distance between him and the Makuhita. “The bag! Give me the bag!”

“Wh-what?”

“Just give it to me!”

Rui: “But what on earth is in that bag that would-?” O_O;
Wes: “Rui, we are going to die if I don’t do something! I need that bag for that ‘something’ there!”

She did as told, and the canvas bag was tossed into his lap.

The crazed Pokemon lunged at Wes again; Neo blocked it this time with a Protect, then another Confusion. Though the Espeon’s Psychic-type attacks should have greatly weakened the Fighting-type, it seemed hardly fazed at all. If anything, it was even angrier than before. Both Neo and Novo lunged at their foe, only to be thrown aside yet again.

Neo: “*Wes?! A little help here would be nice!*” O.O
Wes: “Look, I’m working on it, alright!” >.<

The Makuhita locked eyes with Wes, and launched at him a third time.

Wes’ instincts kicked into overdrive.

He was hardly aware that he had dug into the bag and was now holding a Pokeball in his hand. The machine on his arm came to life, soft orange lines glowing as they ran all the way down to his fingertips. The Pokeball in his hand glowed and hummed as the machine did its work.

Rui: “Wes, what on earth is tha-?” O_O;

The Makuhita bore down on him, and Wes threw the ball.

The Pokemon vanished in a beam of light. The ball fell to the floor with a light thunk, then shook once...twice...three times.

And then clicked.

And then Rui puts two and two together and had a fit about Wes stealing Pokémon in 3… 2…

All:

Wes: “Oh thank goodness, that was way too close for comfort.”

A stunned silence filled the room, only to be broken by Trudly’s scream.

“WHAT?!”

The ball flew from its place on the floor to Wes’ open hand - the one with the machine. He stared at it numbly, unsure of what to think or feel.

“WHAT DID - HOW DID YOU - THAT’S MY POKEMON!”

Wes: “Technically, it was your Pokémon. Now it’s mine.”

Rui: “... Wes, just what are you saying right now?”

Wes: “I… uh… will explain when there’s not two thugs trying to do bodily harm to us?”

Trudly was practically foaming at the mouth. Wes looked up into the man’s eyes.

“Not anymore,” he said bluntly.

Rui: “So, you… stole that Makuhita from him.”

Wes: “I prefer to think of it as I ‘liberated’ that Makuhita from his possession, since… uh… there was really obviously something wrong with it.” ^^;

Trudly took a step forward, looking about ready for murder, when Neo and Novo limped out from under the wreckage of the battle. Neo’s forehead jewel gleamed menacingly, and Novo’s rings pulsed with anger.

“Doesn’t look like your friend is here to back you up, either,” Wes added.

Oh, so Folly really did not bother to wait for Trudly to lose and bolted, huh?

Folly was indeed nowhere to be seen. Trudly balked, glancing at the advancing Pokemon and where his friend should have been. He snarled a volley of insults at Wes before retreating hastily through the door.

Wes:

Rui: “Ahem.” >:(
Wes: “... Right, the part where I explained what my old day job was. That’s going to be fun to deal with.” >_>;

Wes’ shoulders slumped in relief, and he stared at the Pokeball in his hand. Never, not once, had he seen a Pokemon behave in such a way before…

Huh. So Wes wasn’t privy at all to the downstream fates of the Pokémon he helped snatch. Though I suppose that that makes sense given that Shadow Pokémon early in Colosseum were treated as an emergent trend.

A shuffle from near the door caught his attention. He turned his head to see Rui backing away from him, her face white with shock. “You...how...how did-”

Wes staggered to his feet and sucked in a sharp breath at the pain that laced through his shoulder. Something was definitely wrong with it. He grimaced at Rui. “I’ll explain later, okay?”

Rui: “No, Wes. You’re going to explain right now-”
Wes: “Rui, look, I have people who are out to get me and we just caused a massive disturbance. This can at least wait until we’re out of Phenac, okay?” >_>;

Rui continued to stare at him. “You...you just...you just stole-”

Wes: “Correction, ‘liberated’-” ^^;
Rui: “Wes, I know what I just saw, okay?!”

Wes didn’t have time for this. He grabbed Rui by the arm and made for the door. “I’ll explain later. But for now we need to get out of-”

“I’m not going ANYWHERE with you!” Rui’s voice was shrill as she wrenched her arm away from him. “Not until you explain to me what just happened! Right now!”

Wes: “Oh for crying out loud…” >.<

Wes clenched his jaw and took a long look at the girl. If he told her the truth, would she understand? Would she allow him to continue on his way without turning him in? Or would she give him away to the authorities in a fit of rage?

Neo: “*I mean, this would be a really short Colosseum novelization if she just went and turned us in to the police, but… yeah, I think the next couple of chapters are going to be kinda rocky with her.*” .-.
Novo: “*See, there was a reason why I didn’t like her being around, Wes!*” >_>;

He thought of her face in the Pokémon Center when she spoke of Team Snagem, and he knew the answer.

He heaved a long, weary sigh. “Okay. Okay. I’ll explain. But can we please go somewhere else? I don’t want to be here when authorities get here. It won’t look good for either of us.”

Wes: “And yes, I do mean ‘us’. Especially if there’s a surveillance camera somewhere in this room.” -_-;
Rui: “... What on earth did you get me into?” >.<

Rui seemed to accept this answer, as she tersely nodded her head after a moment’s pause. “Fine.”

They took the back exit to avoid being seen, and Neo and Novo were returned to their Pokeballs until they could be taken to the Center for their injuries. Wes made an effort not to let his own injury show, partly out of attempts to avoid suspicion from curious onlookers, but mostly out of habit. He led Rui to a bench that was tucked away next to a few artificial waterfalls; their conversation would be safe here, with the rushing water to discourage potential eavesdroppers.

Wait, what is Wes’ present injury anyways? Since I don’t think that that was ever clearly stated at any point.

Rui sat far away from him, on the opposite side of the bench. Though she’d been clinging to his arm just moments earlier, now she wanted nothing to do with him, and was putting as much space between them as possible. She fixed him with a burning glare.

“Well?”

Rui or one of her grandparents in this story got a Pokémon stolen from them, didn’t they? Since boy does she have a strong antipathy towards Pokémon thieves here.

Wes: “I thought that we were waiting until we left Phenac-” >_>;
Rui: “Wes, I’m not waiting that long. Now out with it.” >:(

Wes took a deep breath. He would have to be careful, very careful, on how he approached this. The low voice spoke in his mind once again, repeating words from yesterday: The best lies are half-truths, boy.

And as much as Wes hated that voice, he listened to it.

“I...I told you I grew up on the streets, right?” He started slowly. Rui narrowed her eyes at him and nodded. “Well...I associated with all kinds of people. Living that life, you have to make connections to survive. I had...had some close friends who got caught up with Team Snagem.”

Wes: “Er… at least she’s taking this well at the moment, right?” ^^;
Rui:

Wes: “... Yeah, I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.” ._.

Rui’s hands curled into fists as they rested atop her knees. She said nothing, so Wes continued.

“I didn’t like what Team Snagem did. I never liked it. But these friends of mine...they did what they thought they had to do to survive. So they stayed with Snagem for a long time, until something happened.” He paused and stared hard at the ground. “They...killed one of my good friends and his team.”

Aha, so that’s Wes’ motivation for bailing on them at the very beginning of OSAS, huh? Or are we still in “half-truth” mode here?

Rui’s expression remained unchanged, but she pursed her lips at this revelation. “Why?” she asked.

“Because he broke one of their rules...I don’t know all the details.” Wes ran a hand through his hair. “I just know that they killed his team and made him watch before they killed him.”

Anger started to rise in his chest. Horrifying images, ones that plagued his nightmares, began to flicker across his mind. He shook his head and pushed them back as he took another deep breath.

Not now. Keep it together.

Yeeeeeah, I knew that OSAS!Wes had a bit of a reputation for being a whump magnet, but damn, son.

“So,” he pressed on, “I got together with a couple of friends and we decided to do something about it. We rigged up some explosives and infiltrated the base. That explosion that happened a few days ago? That was me.”

Oh, so this was a recent thing… maybe. Since by Wes’ own internal admission, this entire story is a series of half-truths.

Rui’s reaction was clearer this time. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. “That...was you?”

“Yeah.” Wes gave her a bitter smile. “Best damn thing I ever did.”

Rui: “With an expression like that? Really?”

She stared at him in shock for a moment, then her eyes went to the machine still on Wes’ arm. “That doesn’t explain that, though.”

[ ]

“I stole it before I - we - blew up the base. Snagem had a whole bunch of machines made to convert Pokeballs for stealing, so we set the bombs off in all the rooms that held them. We destroyed them all...except this one.” He looked down at the metal contraption. Sunlight glinted off its many curved surfaces. “This was the only portable one they had. I stole it because...well, I’m actually not sure. Part of me wanted to use it against them, I guess. Somehow.”

IMO, it probably makes sense to add some sort of paragraph setting Wes’ mood a bit more before he begins to answer, especially if it’s not fully in sync with whatever he has to say back to Rui here.

Though wait, just how common are Snag Balls in Orre then if they had an entire room full of machines converting normal Pokéballs to become them? .-.

“Then how did you automatically know how to use it?” Rui’s voice hardened a little with suspicion.

“I had a general idea of how they worked from what my friends told me. Plus, it’s pretty straightforward. You just throw a Pokeball with that arm.” He raised head back up to meet Rui’s eyes. “That’s the story.”

Rui scanned his face as if looking for any traces of falsehood. “So...you were never part of Team Snagem yourself?”

“No,” Wes said firmly. “Never.”

Yeeeeeeah, that one’s not going end well at all for Wes later on, I can already tell.

“You’ve never stolen a Pokemon?”

“Today was the first.”

Neo + Novo:

Wes: “(Come on, you two, not right now!)” >_>;
Novo: “*(Wes, why on earth do you even care about if she hates you or not? I thought your plan was to blow her off and go to Gateon anyways.)*”

She sat still for a long time, staring hard at him, fists still clenched. Wes tried to calm the pounding in his chest as he met her gaze evenly. Please let her believe me. Please.

“Okay.” Her voice was quiet. “I believe you.”

Wes:

Rui: “Wes, why are you sweating like that?”

Wes: “We’re in a desert and the sun’s harsh?”
Rui: “I mean, yes, but I could’ve sworn you weren’t sweating like this earlier…”

Wes allowed himself to breathe a tiny sigh of relief. Thank. Arceus.

“But...what does this all mean?” Rui leaned back with a sigh. “That Makuhita...I don’t know what they did to it, but it’s badly scarred, and dangerous. You saw for yourself.”

Wes nodded.

Wes: “Uh-huh, and where are you going with thi-?”
- Beat moment -
Wes: “Okay, no. Rui, we’re not keeping that thing. It literally tried to kill us not even five minutes ago!” >.<
Neo: “*Wes, this is a Colosseum novelization, just saying. How else did you think you were going to get Pokémon aside from me and Novo?*”

“And I’m apparently the only person who can see them...that I know of, at least.” She tipped her head back to look at the sky. “I’ve never met anyone else who can see aura...but then I just happened to meet you, and you just happen to have a machine that lets you steal Pokemon...” she trailed off and gave him a pointed look.

That actually makes me wonder if Riley from this world’s Sinnoh would similarly be able to perceive Shadow auras or not. Or Riolu/Lucario in general for that matter.

Wes stared blankly at her. “What are you getting at?”

“Well, isn’t it all so...convenient?” Rui sat up on the bench, angling to face him. “It’s all so circumstantial. Doesn’t it seem like we were meant to meet and maybe...I dunno, join forces?”

Wes: “... No, I’m pretty sure that you’re heavily overthinking this and it’s all just dumb luck.” -_-;
Neo: “*Wes, just saying, it’d probably be better for you to not fight the plot this hard…*”

“Join forces for what?”

“To save those Pokemon!” Rui waved a hand exasperatedly, as though she couldn’t believe Wes wasn’t getting it. “Whoever those people in the Mayor’s house were, they’re part of something. A gang, maybe, or an organization.”

[ ]

“And I know there are more corrupted Pokemon out there from what I overheard while I was in that sack. Whatever they’re doing to those Pokemon, it’s wrong, and it’s horrible, and - “ she broke off, her voice quivering with emotion. “I want to save them, Wes,” she finished. Her eyes were pleading as she looked at him.

Wes:

Also, Rui’s line IMO is long enough that it should be broken up into two parts and have something in between the two to show off her mood or Wes’ reaction a bit more.

Wes sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Of course. Of course this girl, with no knowledge of how the world worked, would want to go charging in to challenge some underground crime ring without evidence, on the off chance they might save some random Pokemon she didn’t even know. Really, why did he expect anything different?

Welcome to being a hero, Wes. You’ll get used to it eventually. :V

His arm twinged painfully, and he held back a wince.

Wes: “Right, that’s still dislocated right now. Or at least I hope that’s just a dislocation.” ._.;

“Look.” He raised his head again. “That’s a nice idea and all, but you have no actual evidence. You don’t have any leads. And you’re not even slightly qualified to lead any sort of investigation. It’s best to tell authorities everything you know, and let them take it from there.”

Yeeeeah, I can already tell that Wes’ opinions of the local police are going to fall through the floor when he meets Officer Johnson for the first time.

“But what can they do?” Rui huffed. “They haven’t accomplished anything in years when it comes to Orre’s crime rings! I mean, you did more to expose Snagem than they have ever done, and you’re just one person!”

I mean, if you’ve seen Orre’s police in action, you’d find that a lot less surprising.

Wes had to admit she had a point there. Orre’s pitiful excuse for a police force was precisely why crime was so high. Few criminals were successfully caught, and even fewer were ever punished.

Oh, so Wes has run into Officer Johnson before in the past. /s

He shook his head. “I’ve done my part, all right? I did what I could to destroy and expose Snagem, I hit them where it hurt the most, and now I’m a dead man walking if any of them catch me. I’m also pretty sure that blowing up buildings is still a crime, whether it belongs to a gang or not. So there’s that.”

[ ]

“I’m not in any position to...to play hero, or whatever. And I don’t think I want to. I just want to lay low and live the rest of my life in peace.”

Yeeeeeah, good luck with that one buddy, since I can already tell the plot’s not going to let you just get away with that that easily.

“That’s your answer?” Rui asked in disbelief. “You saw that Pokémon! You saw what those men did - and are doing! And you’re just going to ignore it?”

[ ]


“I never said I was going to ignore it, I’m just going to leave it to the police.”

Rui scoffed. “Which is basically the same thing.”

IMO, it might make sense to have Wes have some sort of internal reaction to Rui pressing him as to if he’s going to ignore the whole Shadow Pokémon business, especially if it’s meant to have any bearing on him coming around to being a hero at all.

“Well, we can't all be a hero, all right?” Wes snapped.

Another pang shuddered through his shoulder and down his arm, and he hissed in frustration. Why, why, why couldn’t he have just ignored his Pokemon yesterday and let someone else rescue this crazy redhead?

He rose to his feet. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to heal my Pokemon and get my shoulder looked at, and then I’m leaving this place. You should find yourself some transportation to Agate, and then I think it’s for the best if we never see each other again.”

This one paragraph IMO would work better as a few smaller ones, since there’s a lot going on in between the two parts of Wes’ dialogue there.

Rui had also risen to her feet and was frowning at him. For a moment Wes wondered if she’d even heard what he said. “You...hurt your shoulder?” She looked concerned.

“A crazy Pokemon tried to kill me, in case you didn’t notice.”

“I-I didn’t realize you were hit! I’m sorry-”

That actually makes me wonder if Wes’ arm should’ve come up a bit more in the narration that leans into his perspective, since you’d think that throbbing pain he’s got going on would be kinda lingering and present the entire time.

“Doesn’t matter.” Wes turned away on one heel. “I’m going now.” He marched off in the direction of the hospital.

“Wait!” Rui rushed up beside him. “At least let me go with you to the hospital!”

“What the hell for?” he spat. “I don’t need you. Go away.”

Yeah, bold statement there Wes. Especially when Rui’s literally the only reason why Shadow Pokémon are identifiable even in the canonical plot.

“No! You got into this mess because of me, and the least I can do is make sure you’re okay!”

“I’m fine, and I’d be even better if you’d leave me alone.”

Narrator: “He is absolutely not fine and he would not be better off being left alone.”

“At least let me go with you. Okay? Then I’ll leave and I’ll be out of your hair, I promise.”

Her face was so sincere as she looked at him. Wes found it so damned infuriating. How in Mew’s name could this girl possibly have the energy to care so much about absolutely everything? Didn’t she ever get tired? Like a normal person?

Rui: “Nope!” ^^
Wes: “Fantastic.” >.<

Wes grumbled in defeat. “Fine.” And with that, he made for the hospital with Rui in tow.

Which is probably for the best since… yeah, can Wes even properly steer his bike with one of his arms injured like that? ^^;

Alright, time for the customary recap: I thought that this was a pretty fun chapter. It feels like we’re still in that phase where things are still getting started in the plot, but we got to see Wes get dragged kicking and screaming a little further towards his inevitable heroics with Rui. It was also interesting to see the first cracks in how Rui would react to his true backstory, even if the way Wes smoothed things over is bound to inevitably cause problems down the road when the full truth comes out.

The highlight of this chapter was definitely the characterization, and not just Wes and Rui’s either. I’m particularly surprised at how much life you breathed into Trudly and Folly when they’re both the definition of background characters in the official game, and it makes me wonder if we’ll be seeing them a bit more often in OSAS. It was also neat to see Wes’ backstory explored a bit, even if there’s some question marks to it given that by his own admission, everything he told Rui was a half-truth. It’ll be interesting to see which parts were accurate and which ones weren’t, since even the version of events he passed along to Rui sounded rough. I also thought that the first appearance of Shadow Pokémon and snagging as a mechanic were fun to see, since boy did things get downright menacing when that Makuhita went out onto the field, and both mechanics feel like they’re dealt with in a pretty believable way as seen through Wes’ eyes.

I don’t have too much to complain about for this chapter. I noticed a few spots where I didn’t quite agree with some phrasing or paragraph formatting here or there. I also thought there were a couple parts that could’ve benefited from having more description provided, especially in cases where the speaker being referred to was ambiguous. I’m of two minds about the battle scene in this chapter. The portion of it after the Shadow Makuhita enters the fray is pretty solid, but the part beforehand felt really accelerated and stiff. Like I get that the Makuhita is the more important Pokémon meta-wise for the fight, but I do wonder if the opening with the Spinarak and Duskull would’ve been more interesting to read if fighting them had been more involved similar to how the process of fighting the Makuhita was.

And that’s a review @HelloYellow17 ! I don’t know when I’ll come back to this story since I’ve admittedly got a bit of a full plate with some other priorities right now, but I’ll be looking forward to catching up more with it at some point, since it’s still as charming and full of passion for Orre as when I first read it and a fun ride in its own right, and I definitely want to continue it at some point.