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Pokémon Hunting Game

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. quilava-fobbie
  5. sneasel-kate
Hello everyone, it took a little longer than I expected to get everything together, but I'm proud to present a cleaned-up version of my submission to the Fall 2022 Mischief and Malice One-Shot Contest from here on Thousand Roads. Which as those of you were following the chatter surrounding the contest may have already gathered, is about the people and Pokémon that go about catching Pokémon... in a manner of speaking.

Now a word of warning: this isn't a happy story, and it’s in contention for being the least happy piece of writing I've ever formally published. Now, with that said, it's not exactly a gory splatterfest and it doesn't tick a lot of content warning boxes mechanically. Enough so that I honestly could've made a decent argument for rules-lawyering a fairly low content rating for this one-shot. In the end, I ultimately decided to play things conservatively and not risk any nasty surprises for readers since this story is fairly dark thematically and contains depictions of abuse towards Pokémon, and stuck with a T rating on FFN and AO3. If content like that is a big turnoff for you, you probably won’t have a good time reading this one-shot.

There is foreign-language dialogue in this story. While translation notes have been provided and it is ultimately up to the reader to decide whether and when to use it, to get the full effect of the viewpoint character’s perspective from behind a language barrier, it is strongly recommended to read the text in natural order. As such, at least at the time of initial publishing, there was not hovertext provided for said dialogue like I normally do in stories with such content in order to preserve that dynamic.

I'd like to take a moment to give my thanks to @BestLizard for beta reading the initial contest submission, and to @zoru22 and @canisaries for giving recommendations during this story's planning process that ultimately helped the pieces of this one-shot's plot to fall into place. I'd also like to extend my thanks to @windskull , @SparklingEspeon , and @bluesidra 's feedback from judging that helped make the final version of this story what it is. For the curious, an archival version of the story as-submitted to the Mischief and Malice contest was published on AO3, which can be read here as Hunting Game β.

And with that, I’m proud to take you into the desert sands of Hoenn, right as the sun begins to drift westward over the horizon…
 
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Hunting Game

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. quilava-fobbie
  5. sneasel-kate


Hunting Game



It’s sunset. Rays of light sink over the horizon and paint the desert sands brilliant hues of orange and red. The day's heat has begun to bleed away and the wind carries a nipping chill. It reminds you of the sands around the ancient castle where the gods are said to sleep in Unova, the same desert you once called home as a little Trapinch.

The desert you’re currently in is in a land far away from there. ‘Hoh-wen’, you think you heard it called. It’s a land where the Pokémon speak in a tongue you can’t understand and one where many of their kinds are unfamiliar to you. But as you beat your wings and the wind rasps past them, it all melts away and for a moment, you feel like you’re back in your homeland.

You rest your wings briefly after a gust makes you shiver. The chill of the desert night is fast approaching. Along with it, you hear a familiar-sounding warble in the wind. Its tune is different, but its cadence is unmistakable: it’s a Flygon’s song just like yours.

So it is more than just the desert that feels like home right now…

“Aren’t you getting tired of just sitting there and beating your wings around like that, Dali?”

You turn and come face-to-face with a Krookodile staring you down with an unimpressed frown. That’s ‘Chase’, or at least that’s his human name, just like how ‘Dali’ is yours. The fact that it’s become second nature to you is a sign that some habits have been rubbing off onto you from your trainer.

Behind Chase, there’s a campsite set up with a pair of tents and a lit fire pit you can smell smoke coming from. The only thing separating it from every other human encampment is that there’s a gray pickup riddled with dents and scuffs parked at its other edge with a canvas enclosure over its bed. The style of vehicle is apparently rarer in this land than it is in Unova, but you don’t find it all that strange. You, Chase, and your humans are far from the nearest Route at the moment, so it’s only logical that you’d need a way back… and you’ll need the extra space, too.

The Krookodile before you has a mangled tire tucked under his arm, sporting fresh bite marks on it. You narrow your eyes from behind their protective red lenses and let out a buzzing scoff. “Aren’t you tired of burrowing around and chewing on that tire like a little hatchling?”

“Oi! I’m allowed to have my hobbies!” the Krookodile protests. “And it’s practice! We’re hunting again tomorrow!”

He’s not wrong. While humans often go into the wilderness alongside their Pokémon for travel or, increasingly these days, for their own amusement, you two have come for a purpose: to help your trainers with their livelihoods. The wind kicks up again and Chase shivers briefly before he pulls his arms over his body with a disgusted grunt.

“Let’s hurry up and eat by the fire. The sooner we get out of this cold, the better.”

The proposal is music to your ears. Chase has always handled cold temperatures better than you, and if he finds it chilly right now, it’s about time to pack it in and retreat to your Pokéball. You sniff the air as you follow the Krookodile into the encampment and catch a whiff of spice. You turn your head to follow the scent and see two men dishing out something that looks like a ruddy soup from a pot over the fire. ‘Curry’, you think it was called. That’s Chase’s trainer, along with yours. ‘Kato’ and ‘Abe’ are what they call themselves.

You make your way over and swish your tail as you stoop beside your trainer. He pats you and asks you in his tongue if you had fun “making a racket,” from what you gather. You think to protest that your song is more than a mere racket, only for him to raise his bowl and offer you some of his food.

You think twice about his offer from how strange the food looks, but its smell convinces you to try it anyway. It’s spicy, and surprisingly delicious. It even made you feel a little stronger afterwards. You drape a wing over your trainer and remark to yourself how strange it’d seem to the Pokémon you used to know back in Unova to find out you’d grown so close to a human from such a faraway land. One so far away that you had to effectively relearn all the human that you’d picked up in Unova. Apparently human languages can differ from region to region much like those of Pokémon do.

You see Abe get up, before he makes his way to the back of the truck where Chase’s trainer is waiting. He stoops down and opens a box alongside the other man, and pulls out a net that he eyes carefully to check for rips and tears. Behind him, the truck’s tailgate has a boxy laptop set on it with a linking cable and a small container filled with various Pokéballs. Past it, you can catch a glimpse of steel cages.

Tools for the hunt tomorrow.

You let out a small buzz in annoyance as Abe fusses over the tools in the truck with Kato. You don’t see why he needs to worry about those right here and now. Dinner’s getting cold.



It’s around midnight, or at least that’s what it looks like from the sky in your Pokéball. The neat, orderly den in the simulated desert you’re in has no moon of its own. The heat isn’t as varied as it normally is, never too hot or cold to be uncomfortable. The wind also comes flat and in unnatural bursts, which affects your wings’ songs when you try to warble with them.

If it was really night, it’d be time to nod off and go to sleep, but in your particular case, the time in the world outside is almost completely backwards from what the Pokéball tries to make you think, as a casual glance up at the sky reminds you.

You see faint afterimages of the sun in the middle of the real sky outside your Pokéball, of cloth fabric to your right, and faint, translucent images of desert rocks and dunes bumping up and down in jolts you can’t feel. If you keep quiet enough, you can even hear the muted crunching of boots against sand.

The sky wasn’t always like this in your Pokéball. It used to align properly with the days and nights outside when you were still in Unova. You at first thought it was just a normal side effect of being in a faraway land, and adjusted to it by hiding in the den in your ball when you were tired or by resting in the outside world when you could.

You stopped thinking that after you happened to meet another Pokémon from Unova on an inter-regional ferry one day. Much to your surprise, he told you that the nights and days in his Pokéball continued to stay in sync with the sun and moon even so far away from home. According to him, your Pokéball was somehow broken and that someone likely had tampered with it in the past.

Abe’s voice cries out in the distance and snaps you back to attention. The afterimages in the sky blot out as a hand grasps down on the Pokéball outside and the real desert blurs. Abe’s found prey and it’s time to hunt.

You’re annoyed at how Abe insists on stalking prey himself when it is such a big part of the thrill of hunting, but Chase told you long ago that letting humans handle that part of the hunt was important for keeping the element of surprise. And you suppose that your prey really wouldn’t see you coming like this.

Suddenly, your surroundings are bathed in light. You reflexively spread your wings, as the simulated world around you melts away into the real one. The desert heat hits them and the rest of your body like a wave and you pull higher into the air with an updraft, steadying as you scan your surroundings and murmur to yourself…

“What are we hunting this time?”

Abe calls out to you to bank right when battle cries ring out from the ground. There up ahead, Chase is being harried by a quartet of yellow creatures with large claws and prominent brown spikes on their backs. A number of smaller, ball-like creatures with what look like yellow scales watch nervously behind them—Sandslash and Sandshrew.

One of the spiked creatures recoils and jumps back from Chase after a snap of the Krookodile’s jaws, while another flashes his claws and stays quick on his feet, the wind carrying their voices faintly to you from the distance.

"N-Nani kore?!"

Shiru ka yo! Tasukete kure!

You growl under your breath. Their language’s rhythm and tone are different, as are their calls, but from the way they fight, they’re much like the Sandslash and Sandshrew in Unova. That means you can’t just whip up a sandstorm to give you and Chase cover. Since they’ll just exploit it to slip away.

It’s not like Chase to let himself get caught off-guard this badly, and you wonder if the Krookodile’s trainer will need to break out his sidearm: a metal tube with a wooden stock. He keeps it around to scare off or wound Pokémon in cases where one slips past Chase and tries to attack him directly. If it’s anything like Abe’s, its tube was cut down from a longer one and there’s a series of scratches next to a lever at the top where a set of human glyphs used to be. Kato’s surely makes the same gods-awful noise whenever it’s used, too.

Except Kato is keeping his on his sling and doesn’t seem worried. Yet, anyways. The Sandslash nick at his partner with swipes while one of them barrels at the Krookodile while rolled up in a ball. But the whole time Chase holds back beyond an occasional swipe from his claws or snap of his jaws.

This has to be a feint of some sort by those two, but you can’t make out what it’s supposed to be.

And then Abe calls out for you to signal. Seconds matter in these hunts, and so without questioning, you let out a bellowing roar. The Sandslash and Sandshrew all turn up and spot you. Even from a distance, you can see them stiffen up in shock. The first Sandslash from earlier gestures up at you to his fellows and cries out in audible terror.

F-Furaigon! M-Minna kakurerun da-!

Kato cries out and reaches out after Chase with his gesture from his free hand. On reflex, the Krookodile jumps up and slams into the ground. A plume of sand kicks up below you and the Sandslash and Sandshrew lose their footing. A few of the Sandshrew are thrown about, some scurrying away while others lie motionless in the sand. The Sandslash reel from the blow and look alarmed when one of them, the one chiding the nervous one from earlier, lunges forward with claws drawn for a vicious swipe.

Kurae!

Chase moves his head as the Sandslash bears down on him, and clamps down onto the pangolin’s shoulder. The Sandslash screams in pain and thrashes desperately as Chase shakes him. After a few seconds of struggling and flailing, Chase’s attacker goes limp in his jaws. The Krookodile throws him aside and the pangolin hits the sand in a crumpled heap. Blood begins to ooze out from torn-up chunks of hide.

The other Sandslash lose their nerve and then turn to run as you approach. One of them stops to scoop up a Sandshrew lying on the ground and pull the smaller Pokémon before fleeing as your shadow falls over them. Abe’s voice cries out to you from somewhere down on the ground behind you. He’s telling you to use Earthquake.

You dive to the ground as a plume of sand erupts around you. Sharp screams mixed with the sound of rending earth ring out for a few seconds, then there’s silence.

You brace yourself for hacking blows from the trio of Sandslash but they don’t come. As the dust and sand settle, you quickly discover that they are lying sprawled out around you. The one that was cradling the Sandshrew is slumped over, the Sandshrew lying in a limp lump before her. The Sandslash to her left is lying half-buried in a sand drift.

A weak groan turns you to the third, the one who tried to warn the rest of the group about your presence. He’s weakly pulling himself off some rocks he fell on. You approach him, and partway over, he sees you and yelps. He tries to limp away, but his right leg isn’t supporting his weight properly anymore. He then starts to curl up into a spiky ball as you near. You put a quick stop to that by swooping in and digging your claws into his belly’s hide, and then pin him on his back against the sand.

The Sandslash trembles under your claws and lets out frightened whines from his throat as he braces for a killing blow. He understands that even though you’re being trained by a human, you’ve come as a predator. Were you still living in the wild like him, this would be when you’d finish him off and eat your fill of his flesh.

… Well, maybe not of his flesh. It’s surely become tough and unpalatable from his fright by now. Back in the desert you were born in, others might’ve told you it was a reprimand from the gods for being careless as a hunter. For not dispatching your prey quickly.

Fortunately for you and him, that’s not your problem. Abe has other food for you, and the other humans you and Abe are hunting for want you to bring your prey to them alive.

The crunch of sand tips you off to Abe coming over and you lift your foot as he throws a net over the Sandslash. The Sandslash struggles, but in his attempts to break free, the pangolin ensnares himself in it worse and worse until he can no longer move his limbs.

Abe inspects your prey. He notes the pangolin yelps and winces whenever his injured leg is touched, and then turns and moves along. You take a moment to catch your breath, as Kato ensnares the Sandslash Chase bit into earlier and Abe begins to ensnare one of the other Pokémon you downed.

The Sandslash in the net next to you weakly says a few words in his tongue, which he keeps repeating a few times. It gets annoying, so you snarl at him to shut up. He gets the message. He screws his eyes shut and lets out a few whimpers, but otherwise remains quiet afterwards.

Approaching boots prick your ears and a stroke at your neck turns your attention to your side. Abe’s back, smiling between affectionate pats. You let out a content rumble as he compliments you in his tongue on a job well done. Whatever your counterparts back in the Unovan desert might’ve said about how your hunting skills turned out, they’re exactly what Abe needs.

And that’s what matters most to you right now.



The way hunting among humans works has always been peculiar to you, mostly because it seems to require someone else to do the actual hunting for them. The humans who wanted the prey you caught didn’t have the skill to take them on their own, and they traded large amounts of their ‘money’ for you and Abe to make up for it. It even extended down to the way your team dynamic with Abe worked. As good of a spotter and tracker as he is, as clever he is on his feet with battle strategies, for all his nets and contraptions, he needs your strength to take game.

You’ve stopped questioning those oddities long ago and assumed it to be another peculiarity of the way humans lived, one that you’ve gotten used to. Just as you and Chase have gotten used to helping your trainers drag your quarry while still tangled in their nets into the cages on the pickup’s bed—so that they can dealt with back at base camp. All the better to keep any of them getting away while putting them into Pokéballs and preventing unwanted intruders from ambushing you in the middle of the process. Chase’s trainer took the time in between hauls today to apply a couple Potions onto some scrapes your Earthquake left behind on the Krookodile, before the two humans recalled the both of you to drive off for base camp.

Once you all returned, it was a matter of taking the cages out, and then removing the reinforced lids over the wire grates at the top. They have gaps big enough to fit Pokéballs through and gravity took care of the rest as Abe and Kato dropped some of the Pokéballs they prepared last night through the mesh onto the prey you took. You and Chase stand guard in such situations just in case one of the Pokémon breaks free and attacks your trainers, but they are usually weakened enough that they can’t fight their way out. The Sandshrew and Sandslash you hunted today are no exception, as one last, disoriented Sandshrew vanishes into light in a red-and-white ball and after a couple weak rocks, it goes still.

You beat your wings impatiently and start to head off as Abe and Kato sift through the bottom of the cages to pull out the now-filled Pokéballs and the netting. With his attention no longer needed, Chase turns away from the cages in front of the pickup’s tailgate and shields his nose with a low grumble.

“Gods, those things reeked,” the Krookodile grumbles. “How do a bunch of sand rats make such a mess in just a couple hours?”

You hadn’t been paying attention, but as Kato tends to the bottom of the cages with cleaning chemicals, Abe brings a sullied net past you. Your nostrils pick up a whiff of blood. That doesn’t faze you so much, what does is the smell of vomit on it, which makes you gag and reflexively recoil. You could tell from the way the afterimages of the outside world jostled around from your Pokéball that the ride back to camp was fairly bumpy, evidently some of your prey got sick from it.

You’ve encountered worse left behind after a hunt, but even so, you opt to take your leave and make your way to the edge of the encampment to get some fresh air. Dinner still needs to be prepared tonight, and you sure won’t have an appetite if you smell that the entire time until then.

It occurs to you on your way over that you don’t know what will become of the Sandslash and Sandshrew you hunted. You know from personal experience that Pokéballs automatically put Pokémon inside them into stasis whenever they sense they’re badly hurt, so they’ll at least make it alive to the humans you’re hunting for. Chase told you in the past that much of the time, the humans that trade for your quarry patch them up and keep them around afterwards. Why they would want that, you’re not sure you’ll ever understand.

But that’s their concern and not yours. As a Pokémon traveling with a human, yours is to watch over Abe. You made cause with him, so his enemies are your enemies, and he watches out for you in return. His tactics guide you to victory in what would otherwise be tough or disorienting battles like with the Sandslash earlier today, while your strength keeps him safe. Together, your shared efforts as a team keep the both of you well-fed.

You notice your perch from yesterday overlooking the rest of the desert and decide that you’re in the mood for some music before dinner. You start to make your way over and give a few tentative bats of your wings, when a gruff growl rings out from behind you.

Hey.

You glance back and spot Chase again. He narrows his eyes at you and flashes his teeth briefly, before folding his arms with a sour huff. “What was the big idea about running me over in the field like that?”

You blink and tilt your head, twitching your antennae. Is Chase talking about when you used Earthquake earlier? He’s still mad about that? He didn’t seem particularly hurt by it earlier and the protest prompts you to answer him with an unimpressed buzz.

“Abe ordered me to use Earthquake, so I did,” you scoff, turning your head aside. “You just happened to get caught up in it.”

“Yeah, well you could’ve hit the ground further away from me!” the Krookodile snaps. “Getting thrown around like that stung!”

“Chase, you’re not some little hatchling. It was a slip-up,” you retort, narrowing your eyes. “Don’t you remember that one time you misjudged your lunge when we were hunting Farfetch’d and you bit me by accident? These sorts of things just happen sometimes.”

The Krookodile turns away with a sour huff. He’s not too mad since he’s not displaying his teeth or claws. Even so, it’d be wise to try and lift his mood, since there’s no sense in going into the field tomorrow bickering and sniping at each other. Fortunately, you’ve gotten a decent idea of how Chase’s kind think in the few years since you first met. You sidle up beside him, holding out a claw in reassurance.

“Look, I’ll make it up, alright? Next time there’s a carcass left behind to split after hunting, you get the first share,” you offer. “That’s a fair trade for being sloppy today, right?”

The Krookodile hesitates, before shaking his head and drifting off back towards the encampment.

“Tch, we haven’t had one of those in a while, but I’ll hold you to it,” he says. “I’m gonna go and chew my tire before it’s time for dinner.”

With Chase content to leave you be, you make your way to your perch and let the wind blow over you. It’s earlier in the evening, so the chill hasn’t set in just yet. But it’s still just you, sand, rocks, stray cacti, desert shrubs, and the bluffs off in the distance as your song fills the air.

… Like yesterday, you’re answered by a Flygon’s song returning on the winds. It’s unfamiliar, like the language that the Pokemon speak here.

You have mixed feelings about your time in Unova. You remembered leaving the desert sands out of a sense of curious wanderlust when you came across your first trainer as a Trapinch. She was aloof and you were slow to learn words from her tongue, but you don’t remember her ever being cruel to you when she trained you.

You can’t say the same about your second trainer, the one that you’re that sure messed up your Pokéball’s day cycle. You don’t know how it was that your first trainer even agreed to pass you along to him, just shortly before you became a Vibrava at that. There was an argument right before you were passed along, one in which you remembered your second trainer grabbing your Pokéball. He lived in a dingy apartment and shouted at you a lot. So did the Liepard he trained, who bullied you and a small party of Pokémon who were all near evolution like you into knowing your places.

That lasted for a couple weeks, before one day, your second trainer took you to some sort of terminal in a Pokécenter. After a flash of light, you found yourself in a strange land where you couldn’t understand the language of the other Pokémon, or the rhythm and tone of the humans’ speech.

You were traded between humans looking for partners a few times afterwards, many of them forgettable and distant, and the ones that weren't were uncomfortably like your second trainer. After a couple years of that, Abe came across you as a Vibrava not long after he’d started hunting alongside Kato and Chase, back when Chase was still a Krokorok.

Abe had a partner before you that had been snatched by humans called ‘rain-jerrs’ that ambushed him during a hunt. Chase apparently was the one who suggested Abe take you under his wing and trust you to fill his old partner’s tracks through a bit of prodding and translation through Kato, since he thought you’d work well as a partner alongside them.

Chase wasn’t wrong. Between him helping to show you the ropes as a hunting partner for humans and Abe’s attention and affection, your time as a Vibrava flew by almost as quickly as your first hunts. The two of you evolved and so did your skills, as you and Abe began to stalk more impressive prey.

Except the entire time, you were an outsider to the lands where your partners traveled. You still are. You’d picked up enough of the local human tongue to understand some of their names for attacks, for Pokémon, and a few scattered phrases here or there. Even so, much of what goes on in Abe and Kato’s heads is guesswork to you.

It bothers you sometimes, being so shut out from the world around you. You frankly don’t know how you’d manage without your partners if you were separated for any reason. Chase assured you that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and that it’s become increasingly common in recent years for the Pokémon of human hunters to come from faraway lands. He jokes that he counts it as divine providence that fate brought you two together so far away from Unova. That someone was watching out for you two to make sure you wouldn’t go crazy from being stuck without at least one partner to hold a full conversation with.

You shake your head and turn back to making songs with your wings. In the end, you tell yourself that it doesn’t matter that much. Some things come through no matter the language, and your bond with Abe is proof enough of that.



You passed the time at your perch until the sun began to set and the scent of smoke came from a fresh fire in the encampment. You checked up on things, since this was around the time when dinner would be prepared. You could tell from the smell that you’d be having ‘curry’ again like last night, and you were curious enough about how it was made to try and find out.

You turn back and retrace your steps up to the tents. Along the way, you stiffen up at the sound of heated bickering. Up ahead, your trainer and Chase’s are forcefully arguing with each other in front of the Krookodile, who’s taken aback by their dispute. Abe and Kato occasionally get into arguments, but they’re unusually agitated tonight. Kato loses his temper and gets red in the face before he encroaches on Abe and shoves him. That’s your last straw. You rush forward and come between the two humans, shielding Abe with a defensive crouch and growl that makes Kato flinch and back off.

“Oi! What’s going on here?!”

Chase shoots you a dirty glare after your entrance and steps forward himself to position his body between you and Kato. He scowls at you for a moment before he lets things go and explains to you…

“Your trainer doesn’t want you to go hunting tomorrow. He’s worried about how you’ll do with our prey.”

You blink and let your mouth hang open. You could understand if Kato didn’t want you to come along from being mad over roughing Chase up earlier today, but Abe? That catches you off guard, and you can’t help but scowl over at your trainer and snap at him in displeasure.

“Oh, like hell I can’t handle it! What sort of prey is Chase magically better at dealing with than I am?!”

You spread your wings and protest vigorously to your trainer, and he is taken aback, afraid. You catch yourself after it occurs to you that your protest might have made Abe think that you didn’t want to hunt, so you make your way beside Chase and lower your head with a sharp snort.

Kato looks on, before shaking his head with a chuckle and turning back to Abe. The two humans talk with each other briefly in their tongue with its strange rhythm and flat tones that muddle together. Abe hesitates, before he says something back and Kato pulls him in with a grinning pat. You’re not sure what that was all about beyond them talking about a ‘den’ where tomorrow’s prey lives, but Chase seemed to pick up on bits of their conversation that you didn’t understand. He turns back to you shortly afterward.

“Looks like you got your wish, Dali. You’re coming along tomorrow.”

You crane your head up in triumph and beat your wings. You were about to needle Chase about how he wouldn’t be rid of you so easily, when suddenly you notice that he seems distant and hesitant. Far more than you were expecting him to be after the exchange.

“Chase, what’s wrong?”

The Krookodile shifts uneasily. There must have been something he heard in Abe and Kato’s earlier argument that didn’t sit well with him. He opens his mouth for a moment, only to clamp his jaws shut with a grudging shake of his head.

“Just… watch your back tomorrow. I’m not sure what we’re going to face out there,” he says. “If you feel overwhelmed at any point, just turn and fly away with Abe. I’ll cover your backs even if I have to drag Kato along kicking and screaming for it.”

Cripes, now Chase is doubting you as a hunter too? You know he’s more experienced than you at this, but it still rubs you wrong.

“Chase. It’ll be fine. Whatever’s out there, I can handle it.”



The rest of the night goes by just like the last one, as does the following morning. The day’s loadout is prepared, the truck started up and you and Chase are returned to your Pokéballs for the drive over and initial stalking of your prey. It’s the same song and dance: you see the mismatch between the night sky of your Pokéball and the glimpses and muted sounds of the truck’s cabin, then daytime in the outside world once the truck stops and Abe climbs out of it.

You faintly hear the crunch of Abe's boots against the desert floor. The outside world jostles in the sky of your Pokéball as it usually does during Abe’s trek. This time, the ground and surroundings are craggier, with fewer sand drifts and a lot more rocks scattered about. They’re the same brown-red color as the bluffs you could see from your perch at base camp. Eventually, Abe stops and pauses, before his hand comes down over your Pokéball and he sends you out. You brace your feet and come out onto a patch of sand as the outside world fills in and your eyesight adjusts to the lighting.

You’re at the base of an escarpment today, with a sandy patch that goes up into a shallow cave that looks surprisingly comfortable to you. If it weren’t the den of today’s quarry, you’d have half a mind to just curl up and rest in it for a while.

Even so, you weren’t expecting to be brought to a place like this since it doesn’t play to your strengths. It’ll be hard to move around as easily in a cave as a flier. But you’ve had successful hunts in more challenging terrain in the past and you tell yourself that it should be manageable. A prod at your shoulder and Abe’s voice prompts you forward and you go ahead, a quick glance revealing Chase and Kato hanging back towards the rear.

You look closer behind you and get a better view of Abe. He’s wearing a set of red goggles that look much like your lenses. A cheap set sold at a truck stop near where Kato took the pickup out into the wilderness meant to help tourists keep sand out of their eyes in deserts like this. They’re silly, but his normal goggles were broken shortly before your current hunting expedition and he needed a set of replacements in a hurry. And the red lenses worked well enough on prior days.

He’s expecting today’s prey will need a Sandstorm to help take down. That shouldn’t be an issue. You’ll set it up and swoop in for the first blow, then Chase will move in to pick off any stragglers. Just like you two have done more times than you can count.

The lenses block Abe’s expression around his eyes, but from the rest of his face, he seems on-edge today. Nervous, even.

Something pokes at your foot and you pull it back to see you stepped on a gnawed bone. There are others littering the ground, some broken apart, others crushed by strong jaws. Signs that a strong predator calls this place home.

That would explain why Abe is so worried right now. You’re hunting dangerous prey today. Except, even with that in mind, something about his mannerisms are off. His attention isn’t on his sidearm like it usually is on hunts with more dangerous game where he’s worried about his safety.

Instead, it’s on your Pokéball.

You lean in and nose at him, reassuring him that whatever lies ahead, you’re sure that you and Chase come out on top. It’s not an environment where you’d have to fight against the terrain like a forest, it’s a desert, the same conditions you and Chase are naturally adapted to hunt in. That whatever happens, you’ll be there to defend him.

Abe probably didn’t understand the specifics of your words, but his demeanor eases a bit. He then motions forward and calls out for you to use Sandstorm.

You whip your wings together, stirring up strong currents that fill the surrounding air with grit and sand. The light from the sun clouds, but with the lenses over your eyes, your vision pierces through the reduced visibility up ahead.

Abe calls out for you to go on and you prowl forward with a low growl as your Sandstorm reverberates against the cave walls with a loud roar. You raise your tail and spread your wings to make yourself look bigger and cow your prey, ready to lunge at whatever lurks within. It’s then that you suddenly hear a small, chittering cry.

N-Nani mono da?!

You freeze instantly at the voice. Even though you don’t understand what it’s saying, it sounds familiar. Like the voice you used to have when you first left Unova. A glance down reveals orange heads with vice-like jaws surfacing in the sand, their owners recoiling with startled hisses and cries—the clear profile of Trapinch, young ones at that.

You instantly pin your wings against your body and your tail droops. It’s then that you realize that these Trapinch are the prey you and Chase are hunting today.

Abe calls out for you to use Bulldoze: a move with a lighter touch to avoid risking a cave-in, and one that’s specialized for slowing prey down to make it harder for them to flee. His words go in one ear and out the other as your mind goes blank and you stay frozen in place. You know that your kind squabbles over food and territory in the wild, sometimes viciously, but somehow it just never occurred to you that you’d be hunting-

Sh-Shinnyū-sha! Shinnyū-sha!

One of the Trapinch spots Abe and spits up a glob of sand at him. You hurriedly step in the way and the sand glances off your body with a weak sting. A single attack like that would be manageable on its own, except the Trapinch are starting to swarm and encroach on you. On Abe.

Abe calls out to you to use Bulldoze again. He sounds scared right now, and you’re all that stands between him and more than a dozen jaws that will chew him up if they get ahold of him. Your breathing becomes shallow as clods of sand strike you and heavy tackles land against your body and start driving you back.

You can’t do this.

You remember Chase’s insistence to turn and fly away if you felt overwhelmed. And you sure as hell feel overwhelmed right now. You turn and lower your head, readying your claws as Abe’s eyes widen. You’re sure he’ll give you an earful for this later, but all you want to do right now is snatch him and fly away from this accursed escarpment.

Houttoite! Houttoite!

Except you see one of the Trapinch darting past you. He sees Abe and Abe sees him as he makes a grab for his sidearm, but fumbles it in fright. You hear the antlion hiss in warning and watch him crack his jaws open as he gets ready to lunge and bite down.

On your trainer. On your friend.

No! Get away from him!

Something in you snaps as you stomp the ground with all your might and your surroundings erupt in a spray of sand and chunks of rock. Screams and screeches ring out, and as the dust settles, the world around you becomes clearer. Ahead of you, Abe’s on the ground from losing his footing from your Earthquake. The Trapinch near your feet lies motionless a short distance away.

You hear cries from behind. A number of the Trapinch lie strewn about. Some of the others are staggering in a daze, while the more lucid ones lose their nerve and let out panicked cries as they try to flee deeper into the cave.

The sound of sand suddenly reverberates from inside it and Kato frantically cries out for Chase to use Bulldoze himself. The ground trembles with a roar and there’s more screams, and then at long last: silence. Your Krookodile companion brushes himself off from deeper in the cave as the sand settles, and he starts hurrying over calling out for you. The sounds of the world around you blur together as you pant in shock. If you had hesitated for just a moment longer, then Abe would’ve…

Kāchan! K-Kāchan!

A voice crying in pain from somewhere inside the cave snaps you back to attention. You’re not sure what it’s saying, but from how young it sounds and the way it weakly sobs and keeps repeating itself… you have a few ideas. You try to ignore the Trapinch’s cries, when the crunch of claws in sand turns your attention to Chase right behind you.

“D-Dali, are you alright?”

You’re not, but you don’t tell him that. Abe’s getting up now, visibly shaken from the encounter. Why wouldn’t he be when he almost got chewed up because of your hesitation? You grimace as a wave of shame comes over you, and hurry over reaching a claw out for him.

“A-Abe! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to-!”

You were about to apologize for being so slow to listen to him, to try and assure him that everything was alright now. Except before you can get out another word, Abe raises your Pokéball and recalls you. The transition back into simulated night is abrupt and jarring, and you see afterimages of Abe’s hand shakily grabbing onto your ball.

He doesn’t put it on his holster for your Pokéball like he normally does. This time, he shoves it deep into his bag and zips it up. All you can see of the outside world in the sky is a large dark spot, and everything suddenly goes quiet.



You’re not sure how much time passed in your Pokéball, but you’re pretty sure it was a good while. You felt a sinking sensation in your stomach over the whole encounter and tried to tell yourself that the Trapinch forced your claws by going after Abe when you were trying to flee.

It didn’t make you feel any better. And it didn’t dispel the sounds of their screams and cries from your mind. Was this what Abe and Kato were arguing about last night? Why was Abe so nervous the entire day? Did he want to carry out today’s hunt?

You’re not sure what the answers to those questions are. Their various possibilities worry you.

The whole time, the darkened spots in the simulated sky stubbornly hang there and barely any sounds manage to make it through the bag’s fabric into your ball. Some muffled shouts between Abe and Kato. What about, you can’t tell. Some time later, you faintly pick up the clatter of the pickup’s doors or maybe its tailgate being loudly slammed shut.

The entire time, you never see the sunlight again and Abe never takes you back out to his side. You begin to shift around in your Pokéball’s simulated desert restlessly, a reminder that you’re not in stasis, even if a part of you wishes you were. Your thoughts turn to your trainer and a growing sense of panic takes hold of you.

Is Abe angry at you for being slow to listen to him? For the way he almost got hurt because of you? You think of forcing your way out of your Pokéball to try and explain yourself, to beg his forgiveness for being such an idiot when he’s been your kindest trainer in years…

Except your Pokéball won’t let you right now. It prevents you from exiting whenever your ball is in an enclosed space too small to fit your body. Spaces like the inside of Abe’s bag that normally can’t even fit your head in it.

You try to make songs with your wings to pass the time, but the simulated wind makes them come out unpleasing to your ears like it always does. Then you try flying around your Pokéball’s environment as it shifts around you, before it inevitably loops back to your den, but it does little to soothe your nerves. Before long, you’re curled up on the not-stone floor of your not-den and staring at its walls, not even noticing as your Pokéball’s sky begins to enter a morning twilight.

And then, a faint zipping noise reaches your ears and a crack of light appears in the afterimages in the sky. You tense up and watch as the dark spots melt away and you see your trainer’s hand covering most of your Pokéball. Through the gaps, you catch glimpses of base camp at sunset.

Abe hesitates a moment and then the simulated sky melts away into light as you take form in the outside world. The tents and firepit of the campsite come into view, awash in burnt tones. You immediately cringe and pull your antennae and wings tight against your body. You gulp and turn around, expecting to find Abe’s face contorted into a livid glare.

Except, the angry expression you were fearing isn’t there, but you find Abe sporting a meek, timid-looking one. For a second, you’re not sure which of you two is about to beg forgiveness from the other.

You lower your head and nose at your trainer, draping your wings over him as you insist over and over again that the incident at the cave was a fluke and that everything will be alright. Your tone’s probably a bit too overeager, but as a human, Abe doesn’t seem to pick up on it. He pats at your neck and tells you that he’s glad that you’re okay, even if something about his voice still sounds uneasy.

Abe turns after Kato calls for him and he makes his way over to go pack up one of the tents. While the pair are distracted, you drift off to the back of their pickup and gulp in dread of what you’ll find there.

Much to your surprise, the cages in the flatbed are empty, with the nets already put away. For a second, you think that maybe Abe and Kato didn’t have the heart to take the Trapinch as prey…

It’s then you notice that the bottom of the cages are unusually clean, and that they carry a strong smell of cleaning chemicals that wasn’t there in the morning.

It means Abe and Kato already removed whatever was in there and cleaned it out. It’s not like them to be this punctual tidying up after hunts and they had to have known that you would come by them eventually.

Were they afraid of how you’d react to whatever used to be there?

“You holding up alright, Dali?”

You turn after a tug at your arm and find Chase waiting behind you. He glances off at the back of the pickup and notices you staring at him as he does so. You lower your head as a thousand questions swirl in your mind. One in particular forces its way to the surface first:

“Chase, did you know?”

Chase falls silent and paws at his arm. He looks away and clenches his jaws with a quiet grimace.

“All I knew was that Kato wanted to go to a Flygon’s den,” he tells you. “I thought at first Kato and Abe were going to put us up to hunting the Flygon, but… as you gathered, they opted for safer prey.”

The answer doesn’t help your mood, much less the sinking feeling in your stomach. Chase notices you seem bothered and hastily speaks up to try and reassure you.

“Dali, I’m sure those Trapinch will be alright in the end. They all made it to base camp alive and they’re not exactly good eating for humans,” he insists. “You were just doing your duty, just like me.”

… Duty. Right. You knew when you left the wild in Unova to live among humans that it meant guarding and making cause with the one you partnered with. Even if it might be dangerous. Even if it might make you uncomfortable.

Chase sighs beside you and it snaps you back to attention. He gapes at you silently, and looks visibly taken aback.

“I… honestly was expecting you to cut and run back there,” he says. “I wouldn’t have blamed you for it, either.”

A twinge of irritation comes over you at the Krookodile’s remark and you narrow your eyes. Chase expected you to choke up? He expected that in spite of how close a friend Abe is to you, that you’d wind up endangering him from your lack of action? You let out a low growl and Chase backpedals briefly, before he pipes up to try and explain himself.

“Dali, it’s alright! This is the first time you’ve hunted another Pokémon of your kind and it’s not something that comes naturally for every Pokémon!” the Krookodile insists. “I mean, take two of my kind back in the Unovan desert and we’ll eat each other alive over food or territory-”

“Chase, Abe could’ve gotten hurt out there because of me!”

Chase recoils as you flare your wings and flash your fangs angrily. You didn’t need Chase reminding you of how you fell short on Abe earlier. You’re all too aware of it yourself.

“I just stood there like an idiot while Abe was in danger!” you protest. “It’s my duty as a Pokémon to protect the humans who look out for me! Especially ones like Abe who have actually been kind to me-!”

“I get that. But sometimes there’s only so much you can do.”

An uneasy moment passes between you two. You glare daggers into the Krookodile’s hide while he maintains his composure and continues on.

“Look, hunting is dangerous and it’s not always pleasant. For both Pokémon and humans,” he tells you. “Things like this just happen sometimes, Dali. Sometimes it sticks with you for a while after a hunt.”

You try to think of something to say back, but nothing comes to you. While it doesn’t make you feel better, the Krookodile has a point. Even if you had successfully fled with Abe, even if Chase dragged Kato along with him like he promised and didn’t pick off the Trapinch himself, something like this would’ve happened eventually.

Even though the way humans hunted removed much of the life and death stakes that it had in the wild, you were still taking the lives of other Pokémon into your claws. It was the fate of a predator to have a hunt here or there that didn’t sit well with them.

That was the case in the wilds, so why would it be any different hunting alongside humans?

You just weren’t expecting it to happen like this.

You hang your head and look away with a low murmur, when Chase nudges at you and points off at the edge of camp.

“You’re just a little shaken up by everything that happened today, Dali. Why don’t you go and do your wing thing until we’re ready to go?” he suggests. “Kato should be ready to go in a few minutes. I’m sure he and Abe will understand if you need a break.”

You don’t need to be told twice by Chase. Feeling the wind, the real wind, rasp against your beating wings and hearing the humming melody it makes always puts a smile on your face. Your spirits could surely use the lift right now.

You make your way through the encampment, passing Abe and Kato as they go to put the first tent in the back of the gray pickup, and return to your perch overlooking the desert below. It’ll be the last you see of this place for a while, potentially a long while given that Abe and Kato had been talking about moving on from “Hoh-wen” after finishing up their jobs here to stalk prey in other regions.

So you decide to try and leave this place on a happy note. You spread your wings and warble out a melody. One that others of your kind in Unova made when they first took wing after evolving into Vibrava. A song that let the world know of their transformation and how happy they were to at last be at one with the sky like their parents.

Your wings carry the peppy tune along the wind and you pause briefly. A small smile comes over your face as it makes you feel a little better and you take in the vista.

It takes a few moments, but you realize that something’s wrong. There’s no answer to your song tonight from the other Flygon off in the distance.

You feel a little sad knowing that the Flygon’s song isn’t there. Even if it was a bit strange, it had a charm to it, and a part of you is going to miss it. You glance at your wings and hesitate. For all you know, the other Flygon is out hunting for food right now and is simply too far away to hear you.

Even so, you’re determined to not give up so easily. There’s a little time left before leaving. Who knows? Maybe the other Flygon will hear your song soon enough to answer you one last time. And so you hum your tune again with your wings and let it drift along the desert winds. Once you reach the song’s end, you stop and wait expectantly. But again, no song comes to answer yours.

This time, the chilly wind picks up a faint noise in the distance that reaches your ears. A voice that sounds like a creature in pain that hitches every so often. It takes you a moment, when you realize the voice sounds uncomfortably like your own and it dawns on you:

You’re hearing the Flygon who sang back to you the past few nights. Except tonight, instead of that strange, charming melody you grew fond of, you hear wailing sobs.

You hurriedly leave your perch after that, retreating into camp with your head held low until you can no longer hear those haunting cries. There, the camp has already been disassembled, the fire pit doused, and Kato is climbing into the driver’s seat of the truck. Abe approaches you with your Pokéball drawn, telling you in an uneasy tone that it’s time to go.

You all but dive into it as the real desert gives way to the simulated one inside. As you settle in, you hear muffled murmurs from Abe in the outside world. He’s probably surprised about how quickly you went back into your Pokéball when normally you drag your feet at times like these.

Tonight, you’re relieved to be back in your not-desert, and you beeline for your not-den and curl up in it. You don’t bother to watch the afterimages of the world outside in the sky as Abe leaves the desert that’s been your hunting grounds for the past few days. You hear the door of his end of the pickup slam shut, then the engine starts up as it drives off.

Normally, after a series of successful hunts like the ones from the past few days, you’d be filled with pride… but today’s just ruined everything. Even if you had to step in to protect Abe, something about it felt… wrong. Like you’d done something wrong.

You think back to Chase’s reassurances. That you were just doing your duty. That every predator, in the wild or not, inevitably had some hunt that made them feel uneasy afterwards.

He was probably right. Even if it took you a while, you did your duty as Abe’s partner today. You thought back over your life and remembered that there were other times in the past where you’d felt upset. Worse than you did right now. They weren’t from hunting, but those emotions inevitably dulled and faded from your mind. The uncomfortable feelings that were lingering with you today would surely be no different.

They just needed a little time, and if the simulated sunlight of your Pokéball would allow it, a little rest to help move them along.



Translation Notes:

- "Nani kore?! (何これ?!)" - “What is that thing?!”
- “Shiru ka yo! Tasukete kure! (知るかよ! 助けてくれ!)” - “Hell if I know! Help me (out) here!”
- “Furaigon! Minna kakurerun da! (フライゴン! みんな隠れるんだ!)” - “Flygon! Everybody, hide!” Note the official JPN Romanization is also “Flygon”. In this case, it was decided to use a phonetic rendering of Flygon’s name in katakana to better fit the “sound” of the speaker and the narrator’s lack of comprehension.
- “Kurae! (食らえ!)” - lit. "Eat (this)!" Comparable undertones when used as an interjection to “Behold!” or “Take this!” and used accordingly in depictions of fighting in Japanese media.
- “Nani mono da? (何者だ?)" - “Who are you?” Most analogous in undertone to demanding that someone identify oneself.
- “Shinnyū-sha (侵入者)” - “Intruder”, “Invader”, “Trespasser”, or “Raider” depending on context of use.
- “Houttoite! (放っといて!)” - Expression usually translated as “Leave me alone!” Can function similarly to “Back off!” or "Go away!" in English depending on context of use. Contraction of “Houtte oite! (放っておいて!)”.
- “Kāchan (母ちゃん)” - “Mum”, “Mommy”. Address for mother that would be specifically used by a young child.
 
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Dragonfree

Moderator
Staff
Location
Iceland
Pronouns
she/her/hers
Partners
  1. butterfree
  2. mightyena
  3. charizard
  4. scyther-mia
  5. vulpix
  6. slugma
Hey! I read this story yesterday in the Google Doc, so unfortunately no line-by-lines, and apologies if I comment on something that's been changed, but I figured I'd drop overall thoughts!

I really enjoyed this story on most every level. The prose is smooth, the second-person POV reads well, it didn't overstay its welcome. The worldbuilding felt very solid; I liked how the Pokéball was portrayed a lot, the way the poachers operate, the way you worked with the language barrier adding distance, and the general way it was structured, where you brought in information, the framing of the Flygon's song.

Mostly, though, I liked the characterization a lot. Dali's background of abusive trainers causing her to cling to Abe more than a Pokémon with a healthier background might, the way that we know Abe is worried about Dali being angry about him poaching Trapinch but Dali herself is purely mortified at herself for failing Abe for even a moment in her shock. Her agitation in her Pokéball while they're finishing the hunt and cleaning up was one of my favorite bits, the knowledge they're trying to keep her from having to see it while she feels sure she's being punished. She never empathizes with the other prey they hunt, so why now, after exchanging songs with this other mother Flygon whose children they just kidnapped? Goddd, it hurts.

And Chase is so sweet in his own way. The way he talks about how some hunts are going to make you uncomfortable and that's just how it is, oof. I really liked that Abe is genuinely kind to Dali, wanted to keep her from a hunt that might upset her, was concerned about how she felt afterwards - the poaching itself is brutal (the brushed-past talk of how the Pokémon they hunt will soil themselves and throw up in the cages and they need to be thoroughly cleaned and disinfected was another really good nasty uncomfortable detail, as well as the bit where Chase expresses his disgust with that but no comment on what they're doing), but as it always is in the real world, people who do terrible awful things will often be kind and considerate to their friends and companions. They just don't think of their prey as people, and for a moment they're hunting prey that Dali can't help but think of as people a little bit, aaaand she thinks that's wrong and bad of her and insists she just needs to get over it. Ooof, my heart.

The final scene where Dali obliviously sings and is disappointed to hear nothing back, not even thinking of how probably that was the Flygon whose children they were just abducting, and then she hears sobs, owww, my soul hurts. You poor oblivious thing.

All in all, great job on this one, really loved it. Hurts in just the right way.
 

K_S

Unrepentent Giovanni and Rocket fan
the hunting game review

Hm so we get a mon perspective, they seem to be a thing today.. well at least from the ones I’ve been reviewing…

I find it amusing that ‘mon speak differing languages based off the region probably much like their trainers… and my mind immediately went to imagining the sheer amount of language barrier between say a Kanto Meowth and a Alolan one trying to communicate… much less the Galar Perserker…

I can only imagine the “international differences”/territorial disputes between mon of differing regions might be as bad as human ones…

Ah and our POV lives up to the cliche of being tamed through the stomach, yeah it’s a mild paraphrase, but still it’s an amusing situation and an interesting introduction for our POV character.

I like your perspective on the pokeball traveling experience, it’s something not brought up much in fandom and it works well here. A division for the mon and the real world in perfect artificial comfort…

Considering the prey might be wild mon and they seem at least innocent towards human mon bonds until they get sucked into their own pokeball it makes sense that human to human with flying ground dragon critter wold be a surprise. It’d be like wlaking up to someone and then finding five more people all about between one blink and the other…

There’s a story about the ones that got away and I kinda wish it was expanded but work count limits I suppose were a deterrent…

I like how you’re mon acknowledges old norms, and how his present bond with Abe makes them not only less than ideal, but unwanted. He’s what Abe wants, and needs, and that’s enough, and it makes a stark difference between him and not only the wild mon he’s poching but the nests he came from when he was younger, it’s a nice history touch for that character and a good touchstone for his present views.

His apathy towards the poaching is pretty interesting, it’s just a day in the life for him… and to Abe, Chase, and Keto, it seems… wonder what’s going to be the tipping point for him to cotton on as to what’s really going on? Feels like this is building towards that even as Chase gets dibs due to a misplaced earthquake earlier.

Huh it’s interesting to see the rangers as antagonistic, a distant snatching boogeyman on par to snag’em… Your green dragons living a bit of an isolated bubble, it really impacts his agency and perhaps is part and partial to why he hasn’t really thought things over yet. How can he? He’s just struggling to get on day to day matters and not thinking much beyond that…

Ah the “singing” earlier, and the environ… I’ve firm hunch that there’s going to be more of our fellow out there, perhaps a nest, I can see why Chase and Keto are having issues and Chase is getting him an out.

And the trapinch confirm it, so this is the beginning of the end of his innocence…

It was an interesting fall out, a realistic freeze, and a slow… not one hundred percent “aha” moment, but a realization that makes our POV ‘mon a bit cagier, a bit wiser, and a bit more guilty perhaps…


Well thanks for sharing this tale it was an interesting one.
 

Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
Here for Catnip! I suspected from the author's note that I'd find this one interesting and it certainly lived up to that expectation.

First, I love me a good unreliable narrator and this delivered that in spades. It's not a subtle fic on that score, but that lack of subtlety was precisely what made the dramatic irony work so well. The story beats are nicely telegraphed ahead of time--it's clear early on that Dali's trainer's not exactly a model citizen and by the second time we got Dali doing the flygon song, I had a pretty good guess at where things were going. That allowed the tension to ramp up as we approached the trapinch reveal, since I knew what was sure to come and Dali didn't.

Dali's character worked for me. I liked how you emphasized their isolation. We first encounter Dalie standing on their own, cut off from the camp both physically and emotionally, listening for signs of home. Then there's the pokeball. I've definitely heard headcanons about virtual environments or pokemon having some visibility, but this is the first fic that has made either of those ideas feel real. The concept of the pokeball replicating the pokemon's natural habitat seems nice at first, but the way the environment on the inside of the ball doesn't align with the outside world makes the whole thing feel disjointed and creepy. The moment where Abe zips up the backpack was particularly strong--Dali is completely cut off there. (And big oof on the casual, 'I can get out whenever I want, except when I am put in a backpack, oops.') Without being on the nose, the limited view of the outside world Dali gets from the pokeball ended up feeling like a metaphor for all the things Dali can't fully see about what they're doing.

The language element supported this theme. I appreciated how big a role that played and I definitely agree with your choice to keep the foreign language bits untranslated. It's pretty obvious from context the thrust of what they're saying, but now knowing the actual words creates a real barrier and a real imbalance. Much easier to do this when you only hear sounds, not words. It makes me wonder whether that's something intentional--whether poachers in this verse prefer foreign pokemon for that reason.

Dali and Chase's relationship was a highlight for me. I feel like it's a dynamic I haven't seen too often. They're not BFFs--they seems to get on each other's nerves a bit. But they're in the same boat and they speak the same language. In an environment like that, that's enough. I got a sense of familiarity from their interactions that I really appreciated--like Dali knowing how to appease Chase after their attack dinged him, and Chase trying to look out for Dali, but only to an extent. Their interactions had a texture that the ones with the humans lacked, and no wonder. Abe and Dali don't have a relationship that stretches beyond food and battle.

I wasn't surprised that Dali clings to that relationship though. It seems like the only real choice Dali made in this process was the first one, leaving the dessert. After that, they seem to have been taken from their first trainer and had no real control over their environment or circumstances from then on, as the broken virtual reality illustrates. What Dali says about "You knew when you left the wild in Unova to live among humans that it meant guarding and making cause with the one you partnered with. Even if it might be dangerous. Even if it might make you uncomfortable" feels like a rationalization, the attempt to feel like all of this is still their decision. Easier to accept the bad bits than to acknowledge you've ended up in a situation that you don't have the ability to get out of--and hey, the food is good and the hunting is fun.

The ending is obviously a gut-punch. Dali singing the song for children and parents is so brutal. I wish I could say it was too over-the-top, but it just brings home the extent to which Dali's dissociated from what they were doing. I liked that even after hearing the flygon sobbing, we didn't get any sort of revelation or change of heart from Dali. Terrible--and likely realistic.

A few other moments that stood out to me--the sandslash frantically trying to collect the sandshrew, the cages being cleaned and disinfected by the time Dali is released. Overall, every element of the story felt like it was here for a reason and doing work in the story. That's a good feeling as a reader and particularly valuable in a oneshot. Nice job on this one.

Didn't do too many of these, but I did want to flag that you use "as" a lot, and often not in places where it's the best conjunction for the job.

"As" links two things that are happening at the same time but are not connected in a causal way.

"As I burned my hand, the doorbell rang" vs "As I burned my hand, the stove was hot."

First case works, second doesn't, because the stove being hot is why the hand is being burned, even though these two things are technically happening at the same time. I noticed you using "as" a lot where the things being linked have a more causal relationship.

It’s sunset, as rays of light sink over the horizon and paint the desert sands brilliant hues of orange and red. The wind carries a nipping chill as the day’s heat begins to bleed away.
You say it's sunset here and then describe what sunset looks like. That's not really an "as" job. In the second sentence the nipping chill is explained by the fact that the day's heat is bleeding away. They both might be happening at once, but the linkage in the sentence that's doing the work is the causation, so "as" reads really strangely here.

Consider,

[It’s sunset. Rays of light sink over the horizon and paint the desert sands brilliant hues of orange and red. The day's heat has begun to bleed away--the wind carries a nipping chill.]

The mock desert around you suddenly melts away as your surroundings are bathed in light. You reflexively spread your wings, as the simulated world around you melts away into the real one.
Second use here works! Spreading the wings is a separate thing happening at the same time as the world melting away. (Bit of repetition with melting away at the end of both sentences though.)

[Suddenly, your surroundings are bathed in light. You reflexively spread your wings, as the simulated world around you melts away into the real one.]

A plume of sand kicks up below you as the Sandslash and Sandshrew lose their footing. A few of the Sandshrew are thrown about, some scurrying away while others lie motionless in the sand. The Sandslash reel from the blow and look alarmed when one of them, the one chiding the nervous one from earlier, lunges forward with claws drawn for a vicious swipe.
If I'm following right, the plume of sand is what is causing them to lose their footing, so "as" is super odd.

In general in these battle scenes, I'd work on focusing on what is causing what to happen. Otherwise, battles get hard to follow.

The Krookodile throws him aside and the pangolin hits the sand in a crumpled heap as blood begins to ooze out from torn-up chunks of hide.
The issue here is that these things aren't simultaneous. The pangolin probably is hitting the sand, then the blood is oozing out.

[The Krookodile throws him aside and the pangolin hits the sand in a crumpled heap. Blood begins to ooze out from torn-up chunks of hide.]

Switching to a period fixes most of this.

The other Sandslash lose their nerve and they turn to run, one of them stopping to scoop up a Sandshrew lying on the ground and pull the smaller Pokémon before fleeing as your shadow falls over them.
The as here is fine, but there is way too much going on in this sentence--I'd definitely recommend breaking it up because it's hard to follow as is.

The outside world jostles in the sky of your Pokéball as it usually does during Abe’s trek, as you faintly hear his boots crunch against the desert floor.
I'd recommend switching the ordering here so that we get Abe walking before we get the consequences of Abe walking.

[You faintly hear the crunch of Abe's boots against the desert floor. The outside world jostles in the sky of your Pokéball as it usually does during Abe’s trek.]

You rest your wings briefly after a gust makes you shiver, the chill of the desert night is fast approaching.
This is a comma splice--using a comma to connect two independent clauses. You could sub with an emdash if you don't want to use a period.

Behind Chase, there’s a campsite set up with a pair of tents and a fire pit you can smell burning at the moment.
The bit about being able to smell the fire pit burning read oddly to me. You could say "a lit fire pit" if that's the point, or if the smell is, maybe describe what it smells like.

You narrow your eyes from behind your red lenses and let out a buzzing scoff.
I was thrown by "behind your red lenses"--makes it sound like Dali is wearing contact lenses, rather than those just being their actual eyes.

If it was really night, it’d be time to nod off and go to sleep, but in your particular case, the time in the world outside is almost completely backwards from what the Pokéball tries to make you think, as a casual glance up at the sky reminds you.

You see faint afterimages of the sun in the middle of the real sky outside your Pokéball, of cloth fabric to your right, and faint, translucent images of desert rocks and dunes bumping up and down in jolts you can’t feel. If you keep quiet enough, you can even hear the muted crunching of boots against sand.
Super interesting visual. I love how traces of the outside world come though like this.

Abe’s found prey and it’s time to hunt.

You’re annoyed at how Abe insists on stalking prey himself when it is such a big part of the thrill of hunting
Strong annoyed cat vibes here

You hear Abe’s voice cry out to you to bank right when you hear battle cries.
Couldn't quite parse this one. If this is Abe telling Dali to bank right when there are battle cries, I think simplifying the sentence would help. There's a lot here that is unecessary because it would be implied: "you hear" vs just saying what Abe says, "Abe's voice" vs Abe + a speech verb.

There up ahead, Chase is being harried by a quartet of yellow creatures with large claws and prominent brown spikes on their backs. A number of smaller, ball-like creatures with what look like yellow scales watch nervously behind them. One of the spiked creatures recoils and jumps back from Chase after a snap of the Krookodile’s jaws, while another flashes his claws and stays quick on his feet, the wind carrying their voices faintly to you from the distance.

"N-Nani kore?!"

Shiru ka yo! Tasukete kure!

You growl under your breath. Their language’s rhythm and tone are different, as are their calls, but there’s no mistaking it from their appearances and the way they fight: those are Sandslash and Sandshrew.
Not sure why there's a delayed reveal on the pokemon being sandslash and sandshrew here. Dali seems to recognize them right away by appearance, so it's jarring from a character immersion perspective for the internal voice to not identify them.

Kato reaches out after Chase with a cry.
Couldn't really picture what was happening here.

The Sandslash trembles under your claws and lets out frightened whines his throat as he braces for a killing blow.
Think there's some kind of typo/extra word here?

Back in the desert you were born in, others might’ve told you it was a reprimand from the gods for being careless as a hunter. For not dispatching your prey quickly.
Mm love the mythos.

They have gaps big enough to fit Pokéballs through and gravity took care of the rest as Abe and Kato dropped some of the Pokéballs they prepared last night through the mesh onto the prey you took.
I'm a bit confused by the use of nets and cages when pokeballs are a thing. Obviously pokeballs are more convenient, so why go through all the cage stuff first if in the end you use a pokeball?

Abe had a partner before you that had been snatched by humans called ‘rain-jerrs’ that ambushed him during a hunt.
Those rain-jerrs must be bad people.

He jokes that he counts it as divine providence that fate brought you two together so far away from Unova. That someone was watching out for you two to make sure you wouldn’t go crazy from being stuck without at least one partner to hold a full conversation with.
Aw, Chase.

You’re at the base of an escarpment today, with a sandy patch that goes up into a shallow cave that looks surprisingly comfortable to you. If it weren’t the den of today’s quarry, you’d have half a mind to just curl up and rest in it for a while.
Gee, I wonder why.

He’s expecting today’s prey will need a Sandstorm to help take down.
Really like how Dali takes clues from stuff like this to get around the language barrier.

A glance down reveals orange heads with vice-like jaws surfacing in the sand, their owners recoiling with startled hisses and cries.
Again, strange to have the pokemon not identified when Dali obviously know. It's basically like you're switching from a close POV to a distant one.

Ahead of you, Abe’s on the ground from losing his footing from your Earthquake, while the Trapinch near your feet lies motionless a short distance away.
'While' is a bit of a weak connector here. I'd split it and go with a period.

He doesn’t put it on his holster for your Pokéball like he normally does. This time, he shoves it deep into his bag and zips it up. All you can see of the outside world in the sky is a large dark spot, and everything suddenly goes quiet.
Oof.

Except your Pokéball won’t let you right now. It prevents you from exiting whenever your ball is in an enclosed space too small to fit your body. Spaces like the inside of Abe’s bag that normally can’t even fit your head in it.
🙃

It’s then you notice that the bottom of the cages are unusually clean, and that they carry a strong smell of cleaning chemicals that wasn’t there in the morning.

It means Abe and Kato already removed whatever was in there and cleaned it out. It’s not like them to be this punctual tidying up after hunts and they had to have known that you would come by them eventually.
That guilty consciousness is strong . . .

He gapes at you silently, with a wary expression that looks taken aback.
Gaping and a wary expression are actually pretty different expressions, so this is hard to picture. I'd go with one or the other.

One that others of your kind in Unova made when they first took wing after evolving into Vibrava. A song that let the world know of their transformation and how happy they were to at last be at one with the sky like their parents.
🙃
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. quilava-fobbie
  5. sneasel-kate
Hey everyone, I admittedly wasn’t really sure when or how the best time to reply to reviews for a completed work would be, but I figured that in the leadup to a big onsite review event was as good of one as any.

Thanks for your patience, and let’s get right into those replies:

@Dragonfree
I really enjoyed this story on most every level. The prose is smooth, the second-person POV reads well, it didn't overstay its welcome. The worldbuilding felt very solid; I liked how the Pokéball was portrayed a lot, the way the poachers operate, the way you worked with the language barrier adding distance, and the general way it was structured, where you brought in information, the framing of the Flygon's song.

Yeah, admittedly this is one of those things where a lot of little disjointed odds-and-ends I’d been working on for worldbuilding / idle thoughts on and off in the past all happened to fall in place at a time where they all had a chance to shine. Coupled with that one Gen 7 Pokédex entry about Flygon and Krookodile hunting with each other in the wild, which made me go “hey, what if someone decided to use that for their own ends?” and thus the scenario for this one-shot was born.

I mean, granted, I was really mainlining the Gurren Lagann influence for the Pokéball depiction there. But eh. It fit what I felt made the most sense for how Pokéballs would work thematically with the little bits and pieces that we do know about it and it looked cool, so good enough.

Mostly, though, I liked the characterization a lot. Dali's background of abusive trainers causing her to cling to Abe more than a Pokémon with a healthier background might, the way that we know Abe is worried about Dali being angry about him poaching Trapinch but Dali herself is purely mortified at herself for failing Abe for even a moment in her shock. Her agitation in her Pokéball while they're finishing the hunt and cleaning up was one of my favorite bits, the knowledge they're trying to keep her from having to see it while she feels sure she's being punished. She never empathizes with the other prey they hunt, so why now, after exchanging songs with this other mother Flygon whose children they just kidnapped? Goddd, it hurts.

Yeah, trying to land a dynamic where Dali can only see one thing but the reader knows enough meta-wise about what’s really going on was one of those tightrope walks that I had to do for this one-shot, but glad to hear that it seemed to have paid off for you.

And Chase is so sweet in his own way. The way he talks about how some hunts are going to make you uncomfortable and that's just how it is, oof. I really liked that Abe is genuinely kind to Dali, wanted to keep her from a hunt that might upset her, was concerned about how she felt afterwards - the poaching itself is brutal (the brushed-past talk of how the Pokémon they hunt will soil themselves and throw up in the cages and they need to be thoroughly cleaned and disinfected was another really good nasty uncomfortable detail, as well as the bit where Chase expresses his disgust with that but no comment on what they're doing), but as it always is in the real world, people who do terrible awful things will often be kind and considerate to their friends and companions. They just don't think of their prey as people, and for a moment they're hunting prey that Dali can't help but think of as people a little bit, aaaand she thinks that's wrong and bad of her and insists she just needs to get over it. Ooof, my heart.

Yeah, some of those brushed-past details are an artifact of how originally this story was written under the goal of “push the envelope as far and hard as possible while still being able to justify a K+ rating on FFN” since once upon a time, Hunting Game was meant to be published as part of Like a Dragon. But honestly, it’s probably for the best, since readers’ imaginations are pretty potent things, and sometimes they’ll wind up doing an effective job at filling in those disquieting and uncomfortable details on their own with a little priming.

Though I’m glad to hear that you liked the characterization, since while we have seen poachers’ Pokémon in canonical depictions before, roughly half the time they’re there because they’re being brainwashed or manipulated somehow into doing their dirty work. I felt that was a bit of a cop-out, especially for something that was entered into a “villain POV” contest and tried to get inside the head of a Pokémon that while not completely unsympathetic, would at the end of the day be a villain in their own right.

The final scene where Dali obliviously sings and is disappointed to hear nothing back, not even thinking of how probably that was the Flygon whose children they were just abducting, and then she hears sobs, owww, my soul hurts. You poor oblivious thing.

Glad to hear that that moment hit its mark for you, since I figured that the one-shot wouldn’t be complete without getting a moment to smack Dali nice and hard with the consequences of her actions. Even if her response afterwards was obviously less-than-heroic.

All in all, great job on this one, really loved it. Hurts in just the right way.

I’m happy to hear you enjoyed yourself… in a manner of speaking, and thanks again for the review! ^^

@K_S
Hm so we get a mon perspective, they seem to be a thing today.. well at least from the ones I’ve been reviewing…

I find it amusing that ‘mon speak differing languages based off the region probably much like their trainers… and my mind immediately went to imagining the sheer amount of language barrier between say a Kanto Meowth and a Alolan one trying to communicate… much less the Galar Perserker…

Yeah, in my mainline writings thus far, a Kanto Meowth wouldn’t be able to communicate verbally with an Alolan one by default. There would need to be language learning, just as it would be for humans.

I can only imagine the “international differences”/territorial disputes between mon of differing regions might be as bad as human ones…

It wouldn’t shock me all that much, really. After all, trainers would have to get the idea to weaponize language differences among their Pokémon from somewhere.

Ah and our POV lives up to the cliche of being tamed through the stomach, yeah it’s a mild paraphrase, but still it’s an amusing situation and an interesting introduction for our POV character.

Well, it was a bit more than that, but I suspect you gathered as much later on.

I like your perspective on the pokeball traveling experience, it’s something not brought up much in fandom and it works well here. A division for the mon and the real world in perfect artificial comfort…

“””Perfect””” since as the prose points out, that comfort at the end of the day is a simulation of reality and not a full substitute. Even when your ball’s clock cycle hasn’t been broken by hacking.

Considering the prey might be wild mon and they seem at least innocent towards human mon bonds until they get sucked into their own pokeball it makes sense that human to human with flying ground dragon critter wold be a surprise. It’d be like wlaking up to someone and then finding five more people all about between one blink and the other…

Pretty much, yeah. When those Sandslash and Sandshrew saw Dali, their immediate reaction wasn’t “oh, it’s a human’s Pokémon” but “oh, it’s a deeply feared predator of ours, time to bail”.

There’s a story about the ones that got away and I kinda wish it was expanded but work count limits I suppose were a deterrent…

Yeah, alas. This one-shot was grinding up very close to the wordcount limit for the contest it was submitted to. I actually have a plot bunny chilling on the “someday” shelf that’s about “the ones that got away” in another context, but that’s a story for another day if it ever happens.

I like how you’re mon acknowledges old norms, and how his present bond with Abe makes them not only less than ideal, but unwanted. He’s what Abe wants, and needs, and that’s enough, and it makes a stark difference between him and not only the wild mon he’s poching but the nests he came from when he was younger, it’s a nice history touch for that character and a good touchstone for his present views.

Yeah, I’ve mentioned before that one of the primary goals when coming up with Dali would be a Pokémon that would have most of the ingredients of someone that readers would find noble and laudable, while falling short in just enough areas regarding their character and personality to turn out to be someone who was thoroughly not that.

His apathy towards the poaching is pretty interesting, it’s just a day in the life for him… and to Abe, Chase, and Keto, it seems… wonder what’s going to be the tipping point for him to cotton on as to what’s really going on? Feels like this is building towards that even as Chase gets dibs due to a misplaced earthquake earlier.

I mean, from Dali’s perspective as a predator who’s been suitably desensitized to her job, she’s basically doing the job of a delivery guy from DoorDash delivering burgers. You kinda need to not get attached to your hamburgers, regardless of if you’re eating them, or passing them along to clients.

Huh it’s interesting to see the rangers as antagonistic, a distant snatching boogeyman on par to snag’em… Your green dragons living a bit of an isolated bubble, it really impacts his agency and perhaps is part and partial to why he hasn’t really thought things over yet. How can he? He’s just struggling to get on day to day matters and not thinking much beyond that…

Well, I’m not sure how much Dali would characterize that as “struggling”, but the isolation was very deliberate, yes. And that’s partly why Dali’s decision-making plays out the way it does in this story. Taking a leap into the unknown is scary, and not everyone has the bravery to do that, especially if they’ve been burned before in the past.

Ah the “singing” earlier, and the environ… I’ve firm hunch that there’s going to be more of our fellow out there, perhaps a nest, I can see why Chase and Keto are having issues and Chase is getting him an out.

Yeah, I wasn’t that subtle there, but it just felt like one of those scenarios to help tee up why at the end of the day, Dali is a villain. It’s one thing to do something wrong out of ignorance, it’s another to do so out of choice.

And the trapinch confirm it, so this is the beginning of the end of his innocence…

Nah, Dali’s innocence arguably died after getting stolen from her OT. This is digging up its corpse and desecrating it.

It was an interesting fall out, a realistic freeze, and a slow… not one hundred percent “aha” moment, but a realization that makes our POV ‘mon a bit cagier, a bit wiser, and a bit more guilty perhaps…

Well thanks for sharing this tale it was an interesting one.

Glad to hear that you had fun with it. Well, in as much as one can have fun with a story that is by design uncomfortable and heavy. And thanks again for the feedback. ^^

@Torchic W. Pip
We got ourselves some Hoenn food, gang.

Oh, you’re gonna love Context Switch if/when you ever get to it.

I really enjoyed this fic! The prose is very smooth and eloquent, the characterization is wonderful (Dali's past trainers especially stuck out to me), and most interesting of all, Abe/the poachers turning Dali against her own kind. Like omigosh, that's such an interesting angle to explore. Pokémon poachers in general are so fascinating, and you don't pull any punches with the ickier parts of it. But the poachers care about their companions; Abe cares about Dali. It's a nice humanizing moment that adds a bit of complexity to the situation.

Yeah, I aimed for a very dark shade of gray morally for this story. Like at the end of the day Dali, Chase, and their trainers are up to things that are repulsive, but they’re still people that have lives and needs of their own. And I felt that as part of a villain POV story, that exploring that such that the villains weren’t constantly card-carrying but felt like characters that if a few things were different, would be normal people was an important component of that to pull off.

Also I must reiterate that the prose slaps. You really nailed the second person POV, and the descriptions were really nice.

Good stuff overall.

I’m happy to hear that you liked the prose and POV. It was an experiment that I did to get a feel for how I wanted to write Like a Dragon later on this year, but I think I’ve seen more than enough to judge its outcome across the two to be a success.

Thanks for the review, and I look forward to repaying the favor soon! ^^

@Pen
First, I love me a good unreliable narrator and this delivered that in spades. It's not a subtle fic on that score, but that lack of subtlety was precisely what made the dramatic irony work so well. The story beats are nicely telegraphed ahead of time--it's clear early on that Dali's trainer's not exactly a model citizen and by the second time we got Dali doing the flygon song, I had a pretty good guess at where things were going. That allowed the tension to ramp up as we approached the trapinch reveal, since I knew what was sure to come and Dali didn't.

I’m glad to hear that the overall dynamic came through since there were times during development when I was a little worried that the plot of the one-shot was a bit too predictable at places. I was counting on the asymmetry between “what Dali knows” and “what the reader knows” from franchise meta to help smooth that over, and it sounds like it worked.

Dali's character worked for me. I liked how you emphasized their isolation. We first encounter Dalie standing on their own, cut off from the camp both physically and emotionally, listening for signs of home. Then there's the pokeball. I've definitely heard headcanons about virtual environments or pokemon having some visibility, but this is the first fic that has made either of those ideas feel real. The concept of the pokeball replicating the pokemon's natural habitat seems nice at first, but the way the environment on the inside of the ball doesn't align with the outside world makes the whole thing feel disjointed and creepy. The moment where Abe zips up the backpack was particularly strong--Dali is completely cut off there. (And big oof on the casual, 'I can get out whenever I want, except when I am put in a backpack, oops.') Without being on the nose, the limited view of the outside world Dali gets from the pokeball ended up feeling like a metaphor for all the things Dali can't fully see about what they're doing.

Yeah, depicting Pokéballs was one of those things that had bedeviled me for a long time as a writer since even in canonical branches of the franchise, there isn’t a consistent depiction of how they work and a few of them felt a bit
:wtfuckle:
relative to the atmosphere they were meant to be used in. As such, when nailing down a depiction I wanted to roll with, I opted for something that would feel at-home in a more lighthearted story, with some critical caveats that could be exploited by less innocent players for darker stories like these. Since hey, even if GF short-circuited it, they did have the canonical game where one of the resident Team Evils makes an argument that Pokémon training is slavery. There had to be enough of a gray area for it to come up in the first place without getting laughed off, and I tried to reflect that in the workings of a Pokéball that is nice on paper but ultimately isn’t a proper substitute for reality, such that in moments when one is denied access to reality, that it becomes all the more jarring.

But glad to hear that the sense of isolation came through, since Dali and Chase were by design meant to vibe as islands in surroundings they were strangers to. While I didn’t consciously design the workings of Pokéballs to lean into that, I can definitely see how they play into it.

The language element supported this theme. I appreciated how big a role that played and I definitely agree with your choice to keep the foreign language bits untranslated. It's pretty obvious from context the thrust of what they're saying, but now knowing the actual words creates a real barrier and a real imbalance. Much easier to do this when you only hear sounds, not words. It makes me wonder whether that's something intentional--whether poachers in this verse prefer foreign pokemon for that reason.

Okay, so I basically had the advent of the GTS and long-distance trading in the franchise in mind for this part and went “what if that was an actual technological breakthrough in the Pokémon world?”, but you’re actually on the right track. There’s actually a small throwaway line that strongly implies that Dali and Chase aren’t unique but members of a growing trend in their line of work.

While you’d undoubtedly still come across plenty of poachers with Pokémon drawn from closer to home, the arguments for poachers going for an extra layer of isolation to improve their odds that their Pokémon won’t empathize with their quarry are pretty compelling. In-setting, their world has ironed out the kinks of trading with trainers from afar fairly recently, so that equilibrium is still in the process of settling out.

Dali and Chase's relationship was a highlight for me. I feel like it's a dynamic I haven't seen too often. They're not BFFs--they seems to get on each other's nerves a bit. But they're in the same boat and they speak the same language. In an environment like that, that's enough. I got a sense of familiarity from their interactions that I really appreciated--like Dali knowing how to appease Chase after their attack dinged him, and Chase trying to look out for Dali, but only to an extent. Their interactions had a texture that the ones with the humans lacked, and no wonder. Abe and Dali don't have a relationship that stretches beyond food and battle.

Dali: “And the chin scritches! Don’t forget the chin scritches!”

But yeah, Dali’s relationship with Abe was meant to be something such that she would grow attached to and feel enough of a bond to ultimately take leaps of faith on behalf of Abe while leaving question marks for the reader as to how genuine or mutual it is. Since at the end of the day, healthy relationships don’t have stuff like trying to hide “oh, by the way, I need to you run over a bunch of kids of your own species” from beings that are your partners.

I wasn't surprised that Dali clings to that relationship though. It seems like the only real choice Dali made in this process was the first one, leaving the dessert. After that, they seem to have been taken from their first trainer and had no real control over their environment or circumstances from then on, as the broken virtual reality illustrates. What Dali says about "You knew when you left the wild in Unova to live among humans that it meant guarding and making cause with the one you partnered with. Even if it might be dangerous. Even if it might make you uncomfortable" feels like a rationalization, the attempt to feel like all of this is still their decision. Easier to accept the bad bits than to acknowledge you've ended up in a situation that you don't have the ability to get out of--and hey, the food is good and the hunting is fun.

The ending is obviously a gut-punch. Dali singing the song for children and parents is so brutal. I wish I could say it was too over-the-top, but it just brings home the extent to which Dali's dissociated from what they were doing. I liked that even after hearing the flygon sobbing, we didn't get any sort of revelation or change of heart from Dali. Terrible--and likely realistic.

I mean, Dali technically does have the ability to get out of her situation, but that involves running away into an environment where she literally won’t understand anyone or have any knowledge of the surrounding land and give up what little companionship she has. Hardly a trivial ask to demand of anyone, and a lot of personalities, Dali included, would just opt to try and rationalize staying in their status quo that occasionally weighs on their conscience because it’s easier than an alternative that is a daunting and frightening unknown.

A few other moments that stood out to me--the sandslash frantically trying to collect the sandshrew, the cages being cleaned and disinfected by the time Dali is released. Overall, every element of the story felt like it was here for a reason and doing work in the story. That's a good feeling as a reader and particularly valuable in a oneshot. Nice job on this one.

That’s definitely heartening to hear. As an author, sometimes I overshoot on how much detail gets shown off in my writings, so I’m glad to hear that in spite of being on the longer side that there wasn’t anything that really rubbed you that way with this one-shot since I was kinda nervous at first after seeing the final wordcount when I initially submitted this piece for this year’s contest on TR.

The bit about being able to smell the fire pit burning read oddly to me. You could say "a lit fire pit" if that's the point, or if the smell is, maybe describe what it smells like.

re: this and the seven-ish other rewording suggestions you highlighted: I took care of them a while, but just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to point them out. They all seemed to make sense, though I’ll have to do a more thorough stepthrough at some point in the future.

I was thrown by "behind your red lenses"--makes it sound like Dali is wearing contact lenses, rather than those just being their actual eyes.

It was an attempt to stay in line with how the Pokédex treats those things, which are officially coverings of some sort:

It hides itself by kicking up desert sand with its wings. Red covers shield its eyes from sand. - Pokémon X

I mean, granted, that could be “10-year old writing the Pokédex entries” at work there. But I did throw in a “protective” in front of “lenses” to try and make it more obvious since it sounded a bit awkward when I put in “covers”

Super interesting visual. I love how traces of the outside world come though like this.

Yeah, one of the perks of having watched TTGL back in the day, since while finalizing how I wanted to depict the inside of a Pokéball, I originally had a huge headache of a time balancing how to depict a simulated environment in while giving Pokémon some awareness of what was going on outside. Then I remembered “hey wait, there was that one moment in the final episode of TTGL” and realized that adapting its premise for a virtual sky reconciled those two needs pretty seamlessly.

Strong annoyed cat vibes here

I mean, I’ve been reliably told by some others that dragons are cats, so… :V

Couldn't quite parse this one. If this is Abe telling Dali to bank right when there are battle cries, I think simplifying the sentence would help. There's a lot here that is unecessary because it would be implied: "you hear" vs just saying what Abe says, "Abe's voice" vs Abe + a speech verb.

Yeah, I went back and rephrased that one. Hopefully it’s no longer an issue in the present text.

Not sure why there's a delayed reveal on the pokemon being sandslash and sandshrew here. Dali seems to recognize them right away by appearance, so it's jarring from a character immersion perspective for the internal voice to not identify them.

Ditto this.

Couldn't really picture what was happening here.

And that.

Think there's some kind of typo/extra word here?

It was missing a ‘from’, which is now there.

Mm love the mythos.

Yeah, it’s based on how the texture of meat for hunted game or slaughtered animals changes for the worse from effects brought on by stress if they aren’t finished off fairly quickly. It seemed like a little bit of folk knowledge and rationalization for why such things would happen that would pop up in the folklore that a sapient apex predator would have.

I'm a bit confused by the use of nets and cages when pokeballs are a thing. Obviously pokeballs are more convenient, so why go through all the cage stuff first if in the end you use a pokeball?

For the same reason why a predator in general might not eat their quarry on the spot but carry it off to another place first: to be able to deal with your proverbial fish in a barrel in a place away from prying eyes instead of on the spot in a place where you’re exposed to potentially hostile intruders, whether human or Pokémon. Also, having restraints in some capacity helps for the case of “Pokéball broke, Pokémon is now free and might have recovered enough to flee or attack”.

It was my guess as to the thought process behind why such implements are always kicking around in the anime whenever it depicts poachers, even if they don’t really go into the logical ickiness that would arise from penning up a bunch of frightened and injured creatures in close proximity to each other for any period of time. Also, it thematically felt like a good separation from the MO of a more normal capture since a poacher at the end of the day cares about catching his quarry to make a buck, and not whether or not the deck is stacked unfairly or the welfare of his captures in a way that a more normal trainer who fundamentally is seeking a companion would.

Those rain-jerrs must be bad people.

Well, they are. For Abe and Kato.

Aw, Chase.

Yeah, one of the goals that I had with Hunting Game was that its villains ought to feel like people who in other circumstances ought to feel relatively normal. Little moments like these helped a lot for selling that vibe.

Gee, I wonder why.

Truly a mystery there.
:thonklithe:


Really like how Dali takes clues from stuff like this to get around the language barrier.

Yeah, I’m not sure if I got as much mileage out of it as I could’ve but it was basically trying to apply the same principle that anime humans have with their Pokémon where even if they don’t understand what they say, little things tip them off as to what’s going on. Just applied going the other way around.

Again, strange to have the pokemon not identified when Dali obviously know. It's basically like you're switching from a close POV to a distant one.

I had her explicitly state a thing to the effect of “oh, they’re Trapinch” in the present version of this sentence.

'While' is a bit of a weak connector here. I'd split it and go with a period.

Did this one a while back, but it made sense as a suggestion.


Yeah, that kinda struck me as something one could pull off with just about any Pokéball where the Pokémon inside could “see” their surroundings. Doesn’t go very far if all you’re seeing is the inside of a backpack.


Yeah, my thought process here was that that was a fail-safe to prevent “let Pokémon out in a space too small to accommodate them without causing bodily injury”, since Timmy letting his Charizard out in a trash chute sounds like a recipe for problems for everyone involved.

Obviously, that functionality is being put to use by Abe for alternative purposes here.

That guilty consciousness is strong . . .

Just a bit, yeah. Sometimes, even without being explicitly told, there are times when a person just knows that they’ve done something wrong. Glad to see that that came through in this moment.

Gaping and a wary expression are actually pretty different expressions, so this is hard to picture. I'd go with one or the other.

I went with the “gaping” route between the two.


To be fair, it was working to lift Dali’s mood. At first. Even if it backfired in very short order.

Though even if the response was a tad belated, thanks for the review! It was very thorough and helped me spot and smooth out a number of issues that slipped my attention at first.
 
Last edited:
  • Quag
Reactions: Pen

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
I've had a mind to check this out for a long time now, especially since it features the best pokemon. I'm glad I finally did! I'm mainly evaluating this from a casual reader perspective, so I probably won't give a lot of in-depth crit.

Normally, I find second-person one of the hardest tenses to read and get myself absorbed into. However, with this story I found it the opposite. I think using second person in tandem with the xenofic setting works really well. It definitely elevates the experience of the story. One of my favorite parts of this is definitely how you handle the xeno aspect. You do a great job of adding in lots of details and perspectives that keep the story firmly grounded in Flygon Dali's POV.

I also really like the use of different languages in the world building. They're very well-incoporated to add to the themes and help show why Dali would feel so close to Abe and drawn to stick with him. Also adds to sensation of being lost, far from home, in an enviroment where you don't know anyone. Thinking back, I can't help but wonder if a poacher does this on purpose? Hunters clearly recognize that pokemon have a degree of cognizance and communication capability, so do they tend to choose pokemon from other regions intentionally to cultivate loyalty?

Either way, very interesting. Speaking of Abe and Dali, they're absolutely my favorite part of this story. I'm really enamored by the idea of a story following a hunter, but he's not cruel or abusive, but he's not 'good' either. He cares about Dali, clearly, and Dali cares about him, but they're not doing anything good. (Unrelated but it reminds me of an idea in the back of my mind about HTTYD and a group of hunters/trappers who ride dragons and care about their dragons still). The story presents a rather unique moral dilemma. Dali doesn't really mind helping hunt until its his own kind. But then Trapinch aren't inherently more worthy of being protected because its your own.

Yet conversely, Pokemon in this world hunt and eat each other. Its a part of the food chain and there's a sense of a the 'noble' hunt to it. To hunt right, and whats necessary. All of this adds up to the naivety Dali kind of has about the situation. A deep loyalty to Abe, and perhaps an almost genuine friendship. I think it does a great jobof highlighting how a pokemon working with a 'villain' would feel. It makes for a really great one-shot.

You stopped thinking that after you happened to meet another Pokémon from Unova on an inter-regional ferry one day. Much to your surprise, he told you that the nights and days in his Pokéball continued to stay in sync with the sun and moon even so far away from home. According to him, your Pokéball was somehow broken and that someone likely had tampered with it in the past.
I actually really love your pokeball worldbuilding! The simulated reality is very fun, and then layering that with the implications of his jailbroken pokeball is really cool. (Also kudos for actually thinking about timezones in pokemon because I forget about this all the time.)

If it’s anything like Abe’s, its tube was cut down from a longer one and there’s a series of scratches next to a lever at the top where a set of human glyphs used to be
Ohhhh is this meant to imply a filed down serial number on the gun? That was my first thought.

… Well, maybe not of his flesh. It’s surely become tough and unpalatable from his fright by now. Back in the desert you were born in, others might’ve told you it was a reprimand from the gods for being careless as a hunter. For not dispatching your prey quickly
I enjoy this glimpse into the way pokemon, or at least Unovan Trapinch line,

The Sandslash nick at his partner with swipes while one of them barrels at the Krookodile while rolled up in a ball.
This line is the only nitpick I had, I read it like three times and I'm still a little tripped up by it. I think you meant 'nicks'? It also feels a tad wordy. I don't have a specific fix but just thought I'd mention. It's realtively minor though.

But that’s their concern and not yours. As a Pokémon traveling with a human, yours is to watch over Abe. You made cause with him, so his enemies are your enemies, and he watches out for you in return. His tactics guide you to victory in what would otherwise be tough or disorienting battles like with the Sandslash earlier today, while your strength keeps him safe. Together, your shared efforts as a team keep the both of you well-fed.
I am so here for this explanation of the human/pokemon bond, and like I said, the application of it to someone who is a poacher is really fascinating. Also I like the term 'made/making your cause', thats really swell verbage.

The Krookodile turns away with a sour huff. He’s not too mad since he’s not displaying his teeth or claws.
Love this bit about Xeno communication among Krookodile.

There was an argument right before you were passed along, one in which you remembered your second trainer grabbing your Pokéball. He lived in a dingy apartment and shouted at you a lot. So did the Liepard he trained, who bullied you and a small party of Pokémon who were all near evolution like you into knowing your places.
oooooh I see, how intriguing.This definitely explains Dali's behaviour.

Abe had a partner before you that had been snatched by humans called ‘rain-jerrs’ that ambushed him during a hunt.
Them darn evil rangers, how sad. (also, oof)

You shake your head and turn back to making songs with your wings. In the end, you tell yourself that it doesn’t matter that much. Some things come through no matter the language, and your bond with Abe is proof enough of that.
Big oof energy vibes

You blink and let your mandibles hang open.
This part confused me... Dali is a Flygon, unless Flygon have mandibles I guess in your HC? I would expect this from a Vibrava maybe but Flygon feels like a mouth, or jaws.

“Chase. It’ll be fine. Whatever’s out there, I can handle it.”
I'll take 'Words preceeding disaster for $400' please. :copyka:

You instantly pin your wings against your body and your tail droops. It’s then that you realize that these Trapinch are the prey you and Chase are hunting today.
Lots of oof energy in this story.

You think of forcing your way out of your Pokéball to try and explain yourself, to beg his forgiveness for being such an idiot when he’s been your kindest trainer in years…
:sadwott:

You’re hearing the Flygon who sang back to you the past few nights. Except tonight, instead of that strange, charming melody you grew fond of, you hear wailing sobs.
Man, this is a gutpunch ending, in a good way.

Honestly I really enjoyed this piece, and this is a rare time that I think the lack of a conclusive ending works in favor, making this story feel like a snapshot of Dali's life, and leaving the readers to ponder and form their own thoughts on their own.
 

Namohysip

Dragon Enthusiast
Staff
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. charizard
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. sceptile
  6. marowak
  7. jirachi
Catnip time!

I really liked the transition from being so ignorant of what his situation was to eventually showing the relation of our perspective to humans and just following orders. But showing little hints now and then of exactly what happened by the time we got to the midway point. Offhandedly, the environment within the ball was an interesting touch. It isn't always a common approach, but I think using that as a small bit of foreshadowing made its mention significant.

I wasn't a huge fan of the story content. I get what you were going for but I'm generally not a fan of downers. It's properly tragic, though I do have to wonder where the true dissonance is for how intelligent they are yet how they can't put something so obvious together like that, especially since the same-species deal was still very much on his mind, you know?

It feels like the story ended before any kind of resolution would actually come about, and it just seems too obvious to not even come to that realization. Pokemon are clearly capable of higher reasoning here, and yet for this inconvenient yet very laid out aspect, it just doesn't happen despite not actually having any direct loyalties tied to the trainer to give a benefit of the doubt. It pings me as a contrived tragedy for that reason, but I think another factor that contributes to it is that this is inexplicably in second person.

My major gripe with second person is that you usually want it to be in a narrative position where the second person in question is relatively relatable or easy to get into the headspace, and clearly with the way this story was laid out, that's distinctly not the case. It makes it feel even more baffling to get behind.

Sorry if this wasn't quite what you wanted to hear, but I admit I tend to be more critical of tragedies if the payoff has some issues. Still, it's well-written on the mechanical level, and it's one of the better conveyances of second person as well.
 

Starlight Aurate

Ad Jesum per Mariam | pfp by kintsugi
Location
Route 123
Partners
  1. mightyena
  2. psyduck
Hi there! I like reading other Contest One-Shots as well as reviewing authors I haven't checked out before, so I thought I'd give yours a go! And once you mentioned "Hoenn" in the title blurb, I was instantly drawn in. It's such a versatile region to set stories in since it has so many different kinds of natural settings! Glad you chose the Hoenn desert for this, especially since I feel that people usually associate "desert" with Orre.

Second-person POV! I typically enjoy reading things in second-person, not only because it's rarely-used, but also because it gives me more of a "this is your adventure" feel.

I have a few line-by-line things that stuck out to me:

Behind Chase, there’s a campsite set up with a pair of tents and a lit fire pit you can smell smoke coming from at the moment.
Adding "at the moment" feels extra.

The proposal is music to your ears. Chase has always handled cold temperatures better than you, and if he finds it chilly right now, it’s about time to pack it in and retreat to your Pokéball.
I think this is the first time Dali mentioned feeling cold? It seemed to come out of nowhere.

Behind him, the truck’s tailgate has a boxy laptop set on it with a linking cable and a small container filled with various Pokéballs. Past it, you can catch a glimpse of steel cages.
Ah, poachers!

The part where Dali is inside the Pokeball is a neat take on how Pokeballs work and how Pokemon view them!

According to him, your Pokéball was somehow broken and that someone likely had tampered with it in the past.
Aw! More signs of illegal human activity, I assume.

… Well, maybe not of his flesh. It’s surely become tough and unpalatable from his fright by now. Back in the desert you were born in, others might’ve told you it was a reprimand from the gods for being careless as a hunter.
Interesting! Is this a thing in real life, where animal flesh is tougher if its filled with adrenaline before it dies?

And that’s what matters most to you right now.
This is sweet. Up until this part, I haven't really gotten how Dali views Abe; I take it that he's been stolen and that Abe didn't raise him. Dali doesn't seem particularly bothered by it, and still likes Abe enough to do what he says without question or resentment, but this is the first time I've actually seen affection from either of them.

But that’s their concern and not yours. As a Pokémon traveling with a human, yours is to watch over Abe. You made cause with him, so his enemies are your enemies, and he watches out for you in return. His tactics guide you to victory in what would otherwise be tough or disorienting battles like with the Sandslash earlier today, while your strength keeps him safe. Together, your shared efforts as a team keep the both of you well-fed.
And in this paragraph, Dali describes the teamwork that they use to help each other out, but it comes across as more of a contract or deal, and that staying well-fed is both of their main goals.

He lived in a dingy apartment and shouted at you a lot. So did the Liepard he trained, who bullied you and a small party of Pokémon who were all near evolution like you into knowing your places.
Aw :(

It bothers you sometimes, being so shut out from the world around you. You frankly don’t know how you’d manage without your partners if you were separated for any reason.
This reminds me of living in an area where NO ONE speaks your primary language. I lived with a strong language barrier for 6 weeks, and nobody there spoke any English. It was incredibly difficult and frustrating, and whenever I tried to speak their language, they would just tell me that they couldn't understand me. I feel Dali's pain; it's really hard! I'm glad he has Chase with him to talk to.

Cripes, now Chase is doubting you as a hunter too?
I don't think it's Dali's hunting skills that everyone's concerned about...

You faintly hear the crunch of Abe's boots against the desert floor.
Unless sand is tightly packed (which I don't think desert sand is?), boots don't really crunch against it.

You try to ignore the Trapnich’s cries,
Trapinch

Dali being unwilling to hurt the Trapinch makes sense, but his sentimentality caught me off guard a little, since nothing about Pokemon being unwilling to hurt their own kind was brought up earlier.

It takes a few moments, but you realize that something’s wrong. There’s no answer to your song tonight from the other Flygon off in the distance.
Aw :( Perhaps it was the Flygon who lived in the cave they had poached earlier? Maybe he doesn't want to respond after they attacked the Trapinch--or maybe the Flygon was captured?

You’re hearing the Flygon who sang back to you the past few nights. Except tonight, instead of that strange, charming melody you grew fond of, you hear wailing sobs.
Awww! I take it that the Flygon is all right, but distressed that Trapinch were captured.

Overall, I enjoyed this story! I like your take on what a "villain" is: A Pokemon who helps his trainer in hunting and poaching wild Pokemon. It's definitely a villainous activity, and one that's hard to justify. Dali certainly comes across as not villainous: a history of abuse and just doing what he thinks is best for him and his trainer is something that, I think, I any Pokemon would want to do! And that's what I think is perhaps the main strength of this one-shot: you're telling a story from a character with an unsavoury lifestyle and career, but they're so sympathetic that they don't come across as evil at all.

Personally, I would've liked to see more in-depth about the other characters that Dali is with. We never actually see anything from Abe's perspective; we don't know his past, his motivations, his morality, or how he feels hunting and capturing Pokemon. Does he do it out of sheer necessity in need something to pay his bills? Or does he get genuine enjoyment out of trapping and selling Pokemon?

That brings me to what I have as my main critique, and it's that I felt like Abe and Dali's relationship is more told than it is shown.

I can't tell how long Dali has been with Abe, just enough to know that it's enough training to have evolved from Vibrava but not enough to really catch onto Abe's language. It makes me think that Abe doesn't have Dali outside of his Pokeball very often, or at least doesn't talk to him that much, if Dali has been with him a while and still can't understand much of what he says.

Where you describe Dali's ordeal is sad (I'm easily touched by abusive backstories), but his relationship with Abe still sounds more contractual than affectionate. Dali outright says that he has a bond with Abe even with their language barrier, but it seems like Chase is more important to Dali than Abe is, given how much Dali feels the need to talk to him. And, even though Abe took Dali in and trained him, it doesn't sound like there's much there beyond that--Dali doesn't bring up specific memories, or any healing from the abuse that he sustained under previous owners. It's quite possible that he hasn't processed the pain that he went through. To me, he reads as someone who's been through really tough times, is still working through them, and is still in sort of a state of shock. Especially from this line:
They weren’t from hunting, but those emotions inevitably dulled and faded from your mind. The uncomfortable feelings that were lingering with you today would surely be no different.
That's definitely not a healthy way to deal with trauma--it's a natural and normal one, for sure, but it's also apparent that Dali isn't really healing, just coping and moving along. So this might not actually be a critique, since it looks like Dali is still dealing with the mess of constantly being traumatized and re-abused by humans. He latches onto one who doesn't mistreat him, but Abe also doesn't really do anything to help him recover from what he suffered, either. It makes sense that Dali would constantly think "I love Abe" but then can't actually think of any specific instances why. Perhaps I'm reading too far into this and am over-psychoanalyzing Dali lol but I do think it all fits together!

I also didn't get a glimpse of who Chase and Kato really are, either. Chase is obviously important to Dali, and has been crucial to him feeling at home since going to Hoenn. But we don't hear much of Chase's story or how he feels about the lifestyle he's in. Did he also come from an abusive background? Is he so attached to Kato that he'll do whatever his trainer wants? Does he prioritize Kato's safety the way that Dali prioritizes Abe's?

Aside from that, I thought this was a clever one-shot and a fun read! As I said, I LOVE it when stories are set in Hoenn, and you describe the desert so beautifully! Reading about someone else going through trauma and seeing them just coping with it is sad, and Dali certainly comes across as someone who'll have to face the reality of what happened to him sooner or later. Thanks for sharing this!
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. quilava-fobbie
  5. sneasel-kate
Heya, took a while, but I’m back to continue on the post-RB4 roundup of review responses, this time with Spiteful Murkrow’s Unhappy Story™:

@Flyg0n
I've had a mind to check this out for a long time now, especially since it features the best pokemon. I'm glad I finally did! I'm mainly evaluating this from a casual reader perspective, so I probably won't give a lot of in-depth crit.

Naw, that’s Dragonspiral’s Children there.

But more seriously, Flygon are pretty cool, and glad to hear that it helped encourage you to give this story a shot.

Normally, I find second-person one of the hardest tenses to read and get myself absorbed into. However, with this story I found it the opposite. I think using second person in tandem with the xenofic setting works really well. It definitely elevates the experience of the story. One of my favorite parts of this is definitely how you handle the xeno aspect. You do a great job of adding in lots of details and perspectives that keep the story firmly grounded in Flygon Dali's POV.

Okay, so the story behind this is that Hunting Game was actually written up in part to serve as a mechanical pilot for the “you are the dragon”-style perspective utilized in Like a Dragon, so it’s a bit heartening to hear that the perspective clicked well with you, since it means that it likely turned out well there as well.

I also really like the use of different languages in the world building. They're very well-incoporated to add to the themes and help show why Dali would feel so close to Abe and drawn to stick with him. Also adds to sensation of being lost, far from home, in an enviroment where you don't know anyone. Thinking back, I can't help but wonder if a poacher does this on purpose? Hunters clearly recognize that pokemon have a degree of cognizance and communication capability, so do they tend to choose pokemon from other regions intentionally to cultivate loyalty?

While I doubt that every poacher does that in this setting, it’s strongly implied in the story that that is indeed why Chase and Dali were chosen by their respective trainers and that it’s not exactly a rare practice in their circles. Adding communication barriers between your Pokémon at your side and the ones you’re wrangling for a quick buck helps put in a few barriers to feeling empathy as well.

Either way, very interesting. Speaking of Abe and Dali, they're absolutely my favorite part of this story. I'm really enamored by the idea of a story following a hunter, but he's not cruel or abusive, but he's not 'good' either. He cares about Dali, clearly, and Dali cares about him, but they're not doing anything good. (Unrelated but it reminds me of an idea in the back of my mind about HTTYD and a group of hunters/trappers who ride dragons and care about their dragons still). The story presents a rather unique moral dilemma. Dali doesn't really mind helping hunt until its his own kind. But then Trapinch aren't inherently more worthy of being protected because its your own.

The deliberate goal for Dali when writing up this one-shot was to come up with a Pokémon who would have most if not all of the qualities that one would associate with a “good Pokémon” under a trainer, but for circumstance and a couple X-factors that would make them very much not one. Sounds like the effort paid off.

Yet conversely, Pokemon in this world hunt and eat each other. Its a part of the food chain and there's a sense of a the 'noble' hunt to it. To hunt right, and whats necessary. All of this adds up to the naivety Dali kind of has about the situation. A deep loyalty to Abe, and perhaps an almost genuine friendship. I think it does a great jobof highlighting how a pokemon working with a 'villain' would feel. It makes for a really great one-shot.

I mean, it was that or having the Pokémon get mind-controlled like in the Celebi movie or do things because they’re being bullied into submission. But those felt like cop-outs and at the day, I wanted a character who’d at the end of the day be a villain by choice, thus the decision to play “bad guys have friends, too” to the hilt.

I actually really love your pokeball worldbuilding! The simulated reality is very fun, and then layering that with the implications of his jailbroken pokeball is really cool. (Also kudos for actually thinking about timezones in pokemon because I forget about this all the time.)

Kudos to Gainax for coming up with the VFX from the final episode of TTGL that I shamelessly cribbed for that “images in the sky” dynamic. It helped a lot for coming up with a dynamic for how Pokéballs worked that didn’t feel unintentionally creepy to me from their implications.

Well, granted, the take I rolled takes on some creepy vibes anyways, but that’s life when you’re using devices meant to be good things to unintended ends.

Ohhhh is this meant to imply a filed down serial number on the gun? That was my first thought.

Yup, that is correct. Those guns likely rightfully belong to someone else, even if they’re Abe and Kato’s now.

I enjoy this glimpse into the way pokemon, or at least Unovan Trapinch line,

I think your comment was cut off a bit prematurely there, but yeah. I had some fun trying to get into the mind of the characters and the lingering cultures they would’ve hailed from as Pokémon and how it’d inform their worldviews and values.

This line is the only nitpick I had, I read it like three times and I'm still a little tripped up by it. I think you meant 'nicks'? It also feels a tad wordy. I don't have a specific fix but just thought I'd mention. It's realtively minor though.

It’s deliberately “nick” there since multiple Sandslash are attacking. I’ll try and put some thought into potentially rephrasing this bit, even if I was a bit dry on ideas at the time of writing this review response.

I am so here for this explanation of the human/pokemon bond, and like I said, the application of it to someone who is a poacher is really fascinating. Also I like the term 'made/making your cause', thats really swell verbage.

Yeah, I figured that Pokémon and human bonds would be a touch “protagonist-centered morality”. Since hey, there had to be some reason why TR’s Pokémon in PokéAni are just gluttons for punishment alongside their trainers.

Love this bit about Xeno communication among Krookodile.

Glad that you enjoyed it. I sometimes fall into the trap of making Pokémon a touch too “human in a fursuit” in writing, so it’s pleasant hearing that little flourishes helped sell the sense of Chase not being human in thought process and mannerisms effectively.

oooooh I see, how intriguing.This definitely explains Dali's behaviour.

Yeah, Dali could certainly do better than Abe for a trainer, but they’ve already done significantly worse. Thus why they cling so tightly to him.

Them darn evil rangers, how sad. (also, oof)

Cue the theme of Abe’s old buddy:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZ5v8L08Flg


Big oof energy vibes

Yeah, it’s a bit of a trend for this one-shot.

This part confused me... Dali is a Flygon, unless Flygon have mandibles I guess in your HC? I would expect this from a Vibrava maybe but Flygon feels like a mouth, or jaws.

That was my reflexive assumption since Flygon is a bug, though I decided to make it a more neutral “mouth” to avoid it tripping up readers.

I'll take 'Words preceeding disaster for $400' please. :copyka:

That obvious, huh?

Lots of oof energy in this story.

I mean, I did say that it was in contention for the least happy thing I’ve ever written, so…
:wellyousee:


Man, this is a gutpunch ending, in a good way.

Honestly I really enjoyed this piece, and this is a rare time that I think the lack of a conclusive ending works in favor, making this story feel like a snapshot of Dali's life, and leaving the readers to ponder and form their own thoughts on their own.

Glad to hear you liked it, even if I suspect the story’s cast didn’t hurt. But yeah, I opted to leave things off with Dali deciding to stay the course for their present life since in the end, that is the close of this particular chapter of their life.

That said, it might not be the last time Dali appears as a character in my writings. Haven’t really decided yet, but if they ever reappear, you’ll know why.

@Namohysip
Catnip time!

I really liked the transition from being so ignorant of what his situation was to eventually showing the relation of our perspective to humans and just following orders. But showing little hints now and then of exactly what happened by the time we got to the midway point. Offhandedly, the environment within the ball was an interesting touch. It isn't always a common approach, but I think using that as a small bit of foreshadowing made its mention significant.

Yeah, it was a bit of a tightrope for communicating information such that it’d be believable that Dali wouldn’t pick up on things while the human reader would thanks to meta knowledge. Based off the rest of your review, it doesn’t look like it fully stuck the landing for you, but I’m glad that you found at least part of the dynamic enjoyable.

I wasn't a huge fan of the story content. I get what you were going for but I'm generally not a fan of downers. It's properly tragic, though I do have to wonder where the true dissonance is for how intelligent they are yet how they can't put something so obvious together like that, especially since the same-species deal was still very much on his mind, you know?

It was intended to be an artifact of spatial disorientation since Dali didn’t see the journey over to the hunting site properly and being a bit thoughtless by virtue of being a bit more focused on trying to soothe their state of mind.

It feels like the story ended before any kind of resolution would actually come about, and it just seems too obvious to not even come to that realization. Pokemon are clearly capable of higher reasoning here, and yet for this inconvenient yet very laid out aspect, it just doesn't happen despite not actually having any direct loyalties tied to the trainer to give a benefit of the doubt. It pings me as a contrived tragedy for that reason, but I think another factor that contributes to it is that this is inexplicably in second person.

That’s a bit unfortunate, since the story actually aimed for a concrete resolution of Dali being confronted with knowledge / a gut feeling that they’re doing something wrong, and then choosing to ignore it. Thus why this was entered as an entry to a villain PoV contest.

I suppose it’s something to keep in mind for if there’s ever a v2 to this story to try and drive the point home a bit harder as to what the conclusion is, along with the realization of “this is wrong” and why Dali ultimately rationalizes their way into sticking with the status quo.

My major gripe with second person is that you usually want it to be in a narrative position where the second person in question is relatively relatable or easy to get into the headspace, and clearly with the way this story was laid out, that's distinctly not the case. It makes it feel even more baffling to get behind.

This is one of those things where I’ll probably just leave the cards to fall where they may. The second-person format was a deliberate experiment in terms of prose with there was a risk that “you are the Flygon” wouldn’t work for every reader.

It’s unfortunate to hear that the prose format didn’t work for you, but I appreciate your frankness about it.

Sorry if this wasn't quite what you wanted to hear, but I admit I tend to be more critical of tragedies if the payoff has some issues. Still, it's well-written on the mechanical level, and it's one of the better conveyances of second person as well.

Nah, sometimes you just need to call things as you see them as a reader. And sometimes, even when something is well-written, it just doesn’t “click” to read. Even if it wasn’t your cuppa, I appreciate you taking the time to review this story.

@Starlight Aurate
Hi there! I like reading other Contest One-Shots as well as reviewing authors I haven't checked out before, so I thought I'd give yours a go! And once you mentioned "Hoenn" in the title blurb, I was instantly drawn in. It's such a versatile region to set stories in since it has so many different kinds of natural settings! Glad you chose the Hoenn desert for this, especially since I feel that people usually associate "desert" with Orre.

Yeah, while developing a scenario for this one-shot, things quickly narrowed down to either being set in Hoenn or in Unova. As you can see, Hoenn was the path that was ultimately chosen for this story.

Second-person POV! I typically enjoy reading things in second-person, not only because it's rarely-used, but also because it gives me more of a "this is your adventure" feel.

It admittedly was a leap of faith on my end since the choice of second-person narration was to iron out the kinks of the style for another story, but glad to hear that the “you are the Flygon” dynamic came through as a reader.

Adding "at the moment" feels extra.

Fair point, I wound up snipping it.

I think this is the first time Dali mentioned feeling cold? It seemed to come out of nowhere.

It’s mentioned in the very first paragraph that the wind carries a “nipping chill”. I’ll put some thought as to whether or not there’s space to drop in more reminders between there and the spot you pointed out, but none stood out at the time of writing this review response.

The part where Dali is inside the Pokeball is a neat take on how Pokeballs work and how Pokemon view them!

Glad you enjoyed it, since it was one of the highlights of putting Hunting Game together for me as a writer.

Aw! More signs of illegal human activity, I assume.

You probably put two and two together later in the story, but yeah. It was intended to be a sign that something had happened in Dali’s background.

Interesting! Is this a thing in real life, where animal flesh is tougher if its filled with adrenaline before it dies?

The exact effects vary from creature to creature, but this is indeed a thing in reality. In the meat industry, the effects of this response can be dramatic enough such that the meat of an affected animal can wind up being effectively impossible to sell to consumers.

This is sweet. Up until this part, I haven't really gotten how Dali views Abe; I take it that he's been stolen and that Abe didn't raise him. Dali doesn't seem particularly bothered by it, and still likes Abe enough to do what he says without question or resentment, but this is the first time I've actually seen affection from either of them.

It’s left up to readers to decide what sort of dynamic Abe and Dali have between each other, but Dali was intended to come off as having genuine affection and loyalty for Abe, yes. Glad to see that came through.

And in this paragraph, Dali describes the teamwork that they use to help each other out, but it comes across as more of a contract or deal, and that staying well-fed is both of their main goals.

I mean, in some respects it is a contract. I might need to put some thought into this bit in the future as to how to fine-tune it such that it becomes obvious that Dali has a bond beyond a transactional level, assuming that the rest of the one-shot didn’t already take care of that.

This reminds me of living in an area where NO ONE speaks your primary language. I lived with a strong language barrier for 6 weeks, and nobody there spoke any English. It was incredibly difficult and frustrating, and whenever I tried to speak their language, they would just tell me that they couldn't understand me. I feel Dali's pain; it's really hard! I'm glad he has Chase with him to talk to.

Yeah, that sense of isolation was a dynamic that I tried hard to sell in this one-shot, and it’s part of the reason why Dali winds up making the choices that they do later on in it.

I don't think it's Dali's hunting skills that everyone's concerned about…

Well, you would be correct there.

Unless sand is tightly packed (which I don't think desert sand is?), boots don't really crunch against it.

I’ll put some thoughts into potential alternatives here. If you have any that come to mind, give me a poke via DMs or discord.


Fixed that typo.

Dali being unwilling to hurt the Trapinch makes sense, but his sentimentality caught me off guard a little, since nothing about Pokemon being unwilling to hurt their own kind was brought up earlier.

Hm, a bit unfortunate to hear, even if I’m admittedly short on ideas of how this could be telegraphed better since the entire premise behind the last hunt is that it catches Dali off-guard since they just were never expecting it. I’ll sleep on this one a bit and patch some tweaks in if a solution winds up coming to mind.

Awww! I take it that the Flygon is all right, but distressed that Trapinch were captured.

That is correct, yes. It’s very strongly implied from some of the earlier text that the Flygon Dali is hearing there was the mother of the Trapinch that were just poached.

Overall, I enjoyed this story! I like your take on what a "villain" is: A Pokemon who helps his trainer in hunting and poaching wild Pokemon. It's definitely a villainous activity, and one that's hard to justify. Dali certainly comes across as not villainous: a history of abuse and just doing what he thinks is best for him and his trainer is something that, I think, I any Pokemon would want to do! And that's what I think is perhaps the main strength of this one-shot: you're telling a story from a character with an unsavoury lifestyle and career, but they're so sympathetic that they don't come across as evil at all.

Yeah, Dali is definitely cut from a “banality of evil” take of villainy. Since the main thing that makes Dali a villain at the end of the day is knowing that something is wrong and then choosing to ignore it.

As for the sympathetic-ness, I’m glad to hear that came across, since a goal from the outset was to make Dali feel like that were a just a couple things different, that they’d be a positive example of a trained Pokémon.

Personally, I would've liked to see more in-depth about the other characters that Dali is with. We never actually see anything from Abe's perspective; we don't know his past, his motivations, his morality, or how he feels hunting and capturing Pokemon. Does he do it out of sheer necessity in need something to pay his bills? Or does he get genuine enjoyment out of trapping and selling Pokemon?

It’s something to consider for future plot bunnies, though it was admittedly outside of the scope of this one-shot. Since showing the world through Dali’s biased lens and leaving it open as to just how reciprocal Abe’s affection was for them was just part and parcel with the premise.

That brings me to what I have as my main critique, and it's that I felt like Abe and Dali's relationship is more told than it is shown.

I can't tell how long Dali has been with Abe, just enough to know that it's enough training to have evolved from Vibrava but not enough to really catch onto Abe's language. It makes me think that Abe doesn't have Dali outside of his Pokeball very often, or at least doesn't talk to him that much, if Dali has been with him a while and still can't understand much of what he says.

While there’s meant to be some room for ambiguity / variance of reads for what’s going on in the background as part of Dali’s backstory, I’ll keep this in mind, even if it might be primarily applied towards future writings. Since if nothing else it was intended for it to come through Dali’s affection for Abe to very much be genuine, even if Abe’s affection for Dali was always meant to have a question mark over it.

Where you describe Dali's ordeal is sad (I'm easily touched by abusive backstories), but his relationship with Abe still sounds more contractual than affectionate. Dali outright says that he has a bond with Abe even with their language barrier, but it seems like Chase is more important to Dali than Abe is, given how much Dali feels the need to talk to him. And, even though Abe took Dali in and trained him, it doesn't sound like there's much there beyond that--Dali doesn't bring up specific memories, or any healing from the abuse that he sustained under previous owners. It's quite possible that he hasn't processed the pain that he went through. To me, he reads as someone who's been through really tough times, is still working through them, and is still in sort of a state of shock. Especially from this line:

That's definitely not a healthy way to deal with trauma--it's a natural and normal one, for sure, but it's also apparent that Dali isn't really healing, just coping and moving along. So this might not actually be a critique, since it looks like Dali is still dealing with the mess of constantly being traumatized and re-abused by humans. He latches onto one who doesn't mistreat him, but Abe also doesn't really do anything to help him recover from what he suffered, either. It makes sense that Dali would constantly think "I love Abe" but then can't actually think of any specific instances why. Perhaps I'm reading too far into this and am over-psychoanalyzing Dali lol but I do think it all fits together!

No, that’s very much deliberate for Dali. And the healthiest outcome for them would likely ultimately involve not being trained by Abe, even if it’d be frightening and painful to be separated at first. But that’s a story for if I ever revisit these characters in the future, I suppose.

I also didn't get a glimpse of who Chase and Kato really are, either. Chase is obviously important to Dali, and has been crucial to him feeling at home since going to Hoenn. But we don't hear much of Chase's story or how he feels about the lifestyle he's in. Did he also come from an abusive background? Is he so attached to Kato that he'll do whatever his trainer wants? Does he prioritize Kato's safety the way that Dali prioritizes Abe's?

Yeah, it’s an artifact of the story’s run length, its framing, and Chase being a bit less developed as a character. It’ll definitely be on the radar to explore if I come back to these characters in another tale or in a continuation, though.

Aside from that, I thought this was a clever one-shot and a fun read! As I said, I LOVE it when stories are set in Hoenn, and you describe the desert so beautifully! Reading about someone else going through trauma and seeing them just coping with it is sad, and Dali certainly comes across as someone who'll have to face the reality of what happened to him sooner or later. Thanks for sharing this!

You’re welcome, and thanks for reviewing the one-shot. Even if it didn’t stick the landing on everything for you, I’m glad that you had fun with it. ^^

Thanks again to everyone who took the time and energy to review this one-shot. The feedback was very insightful, and I’m looking forward to applying it both here to Hunting Game and to other stories in the future. ^^
 

Blackjack Gabbiani

Merely a collector
Pronouns
Them
Partners
  1. shaymin
  2. dusknoir
ooh second person! Nice, underrated. And a Trapinch! Or a Flygon now. I wonder how they ended up so far from home. Trade?

Hm I wonder what they need the extra space for, and that's a nice way to set up the existence of the truck, by discussing its relative rarity. I like the exchange between Dali and Chase. Chase seems silly, at least so far (chewing on a tire as a hobby?)

Uhoh steel cages they're working for poachers this is not a drill

Virtual wind in the ball? I do wonder, since they say that the balls simulate a natural environment, but I suppose I never considered things like wind.

a broken ball? Well yeah if you're a poacher you're going to resort to anything

Abe's explanation does make sense honestly but still

I like the description of the guns; that's really neat

Hm, I wonder...is it important to use a mon from another region because otherwise they'd be able to understand the mons they're poaching and possibly hesitate at something they say?

Why put them in cages if they're caught in balls? I get for later, for display to a buyer, but it would keep them likely better contained, right? Unless pokemon can get out easier that way, but a transfer to a secure (and non-mainstream) PC could handle that, I would think.

Oh god Chase's tire is like a pacifier to him isn't it? something to calm him down like a child.

ah yep, a trade...from a thief no less!

Huh, Abe is oddly protective of Dali. Before I was thinking that all the affection was a front but fighting with Kato makes me reconsider that.

I wonder how well red lenses would work for a job like this considering the shift in color would be unnatural to a human and may prevent him from recognizing detail.

Oh noooooo baby Trapinches nooooo

What we have here is a failure to communicate

Aww Chase. I know he means well. Well, as well as a poacher can.

"Like YOU'D done something wrong" Dali please think about why this would be the case



Dang, that was really good. I like the unusual perspective and the way the pokemon involved don't seem to even realize that this isn't typical human behavior, because it overlaps with their own hunts. And the poachers somehow don't seem like complete monsters, which is interesting given how heartless their behavior is towards their prey
 

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
Hi! Here for Review Blitz! You kept shilling this fic and I eventually thought FINE. YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT. BECAUSE YOU OUR MY FRIEND.

Flygon protagonist! Nice to see one of those. I like Flygon. Not as much as Garchomp (Tetra if you see this please don't murder me) but it's still one of my faves. And he has a Krookodile buddy! To a rough defenition of "buddy."

Mmmmm, curry. Mmmmm, tires.

Ir's really interesting to see the perspective of "poachers" and especially the perspective of Pokemon belonging to said "poachers" they're a concept that only ever really shows up in the main anime IIRC and there they're just people who catch wild Pokemon en masse for implied sinister reasons. So it's interesting to go into what sets them apart from normal Trainer Pokemon teams here.

Nooooooooooo the poor sand pangolins. That one expecting a killing blow in particular.

Our Flygon protag is really focused on what Abe wants, huh.

Sandslash smell apparently.

And here's that uncomfortable question of what these guys are even poaching Pokemon for. Hoo boy.

Lmao the earthquake incident

our protag has gone through a lot, huh

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE BBY TRAPINCH! Flygon protagonist is clearly very shook by this and I don't blame him for shutting down

oh shit. Abe almost got munched. Almost got crunched. -banjo kazoooie music-

Also Flygon is named Dali. Gotta actually remember that.

Awww, Abe is worried about Dali. But the Trapinch are already gone...

So cannibalism is a thing for Krookodile but not for Flygon. Intresting.

Man. Being a poacher is hard man.

So you weren't kidding about this being the bleakest thing you've ever done. But it was still really compelling. Gave a very intresting perspective we don't normally see and squared at that. Thanks for posting!
 

HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
It’s a pleasure to return to this one-shot officially, since all I ever saw was the beta version! And it still hits like a punch to the gut like it did then, too.

Dali feels less like a villain here and more of a victim of circumstance; yes, he did terrible things and didn’t really question it until the Trapinch, but he didn’t seek out this life, either. After being passed around over and over again, after experiencing abuse and neglect, he finally found someone who does the bare minimum for him, someone who is at least nice to him, and he seems to have decided that this is as good as it will ever get. It’s heartbreaking, but a pretty realistic depiction of how people irl find themselves in less-than ideal lifestyles.

Now, on to the quotes!

It’s a land where the Pokémon speak in a tongue you can’t understand and one where many of their kinds are unfamiliar to you.
Oooh! Pokémon speaking different languages and not just humans—not a detail you see in fic very often!

The Krookodile before you has a mangled tire tucked under his arm, sporting fresh bite marks on it.
Lolol I love that he just carries around this tire as his chew toy

He stoops down and opens a box alongside the other man, and pulls out a net that he eyes carefully to check for rips and tears. Behind him, the truck’s tailgate has a boxy laptop set on it with a linking cable and a small container filled with various Pokéballs. Past it, you can catch a glimpse of steel cages.
This is interesting to me. We see later that they do use Pokéballs, so what’s the point of all the nets and cages, exactly? Why not throw Pokéballs at their targets right at the scene? Is there a reason for this whole process?

If it was really night, it’d be time to nod off and go to sleep, but in your particular case, the time in the world outside is almost completely backwards from what the Pokéball tries to make you think, as a casual glance up at the sky reminds you.
The sky wasn’t always like this in your Pokéball. It used to align properly with the days and nights outside when you were still in Unova. You at first thought it was just a normal side effect of being in a faraway land, and adjusted to it by hiding in the den in your ball when you were tired or by resting in the outside world when you could.
Oh, interesting! Pokéballs with day/night cycles is a cool detail. I assume his is synced with his homeland?

According to him, your Pokéball was somehow broken and that someone likely had tampered with it in the past.
Oh. Oh dear. Does this mean Dali is a stolen Pokémon? 😬

It’s not like Chase to let himself get caught off-guard this badly, and you wonder if the Krookodile’s trainer will need to break out his sidearm: a metal tube with a wooden stock. He keeps it around to scare off or wound Pokémon in cases where one slips past Chase and tries to attack him directly. If it’s anything like Abe’s, its tube was cut down from a longer one and there’s a series of scratches next to a lever at the top where a set of human glyphs used to be. Kato’s surely makes the same gods-awful noise whenever it’s used, too.
Oh boy, guns. I shouldn’t be surprised given their occupation, and of course they should be ready to defend themselves if a mon attacks them directly. Pretty brutal, though.

… Well, maybe not of his flesh. It’s surely become tough and unpalatable from his fright by now. Back in the desert you were born in, others might’ve told you it was a reprimand from the gods for being careless as a hunter. For not dispatching your prey quickly.
Interesting Flygon lore!

Once you all returned, it was a matter of taking the cages out, and then removing the reinforced lids over the wire grates at the top. They have gaps big enough to fit Pokéballs through and gravity took care of the rest as Abe and Kato dropped some of the Pokéballs they prepared last night through the mesh onto the prey you took. You and Chase stand guard in such situations just in case one of the Pokémon breaks free and attacks your trainers, but they are usually weakened enough that they can’t fight their way out. The Sandshrew and Sandslash you hunted today are no exception, as one last, disoriented Sandshrew vanishes into light in a red-and-white ball and after a couple weak rocks, it goes still.
Huh, yeah, this process doesn’t quite make sense to me. I still don’t understand the need for nets and cages and then using Pokéballs after all of that.

Abe had a partner before you that had been snatched by humans called ‘rain-jerrs’ that ambushed him during a hunt.
Oh dear. Yeah, I bet rangers are often hot on their tail. Poachers are quite literally the antithesis to Rangers, after all.

Except the entire time, you were an outsider to the lands where your partners traveled. You still are. You’d picked up enough of the local human tongue to understand some of their names for attacks, for Pokémon, and a few scattered phrases here or there. Even so, much of what goes on in Abe and Kato’s heads is guesswork to you.
I find the concept of a language barrier—not just between Dali and his human, but between him and other Pokémon—to be a really fascinating angle! It’s a concept that doesn’t get explored much in the fics I’ve read. It definitely adds to Dali’s alienation here.

You blink and let your mandibles hang open.
I don’t think I’ve ever considered calling Flygon’s jaws “mandibles,” haha

Except, even with that in mind, something about his mannerisms are off. His attention isn’t on his sidearm like it usually is on hunts with more dangerous game where he’s worried about his safety.

Instead, it’s on your Pokéball.
Oof. Even now, he’s more worried about Dali than anything else. The anxiety build-up to this scene was really well done thanks to details like this.

Abe calls out to you to use Bulldoze again. He sounds scared right now, and you’re all that stands between him and more than a dozen jaws that will chew him up if they get ahold of him. Your breathing becomes shallow as clods of sand strike you and heavy tackles land against your body and start driving you back.

You can’t do this.
Yeah, this was a bad idea. Honestly, Chase should have told him! Then he could have made a more informed decision—though odds are probably good that Dali would have insisted on coming anyway.

A voice crying in pain from somewhere inside the cave snaps you back to attention. You’re not sure what it’s saying, but from how young it sounds and the way it weakly sobs and keeps repeating itself… you have a few ideas.
Ugh. :( the fact that this story shows the Pokémon actually speaking to each other makes them…well, a lot more human. It would still be horrible from a human lens, but it’s even worse from a Pokémon’s and there are actual discernible words being spoken, cries that you know are sobs (which a human may not pick up on.) Even if they don’t speak the same language, the impact is there, and it’s gut-wrenching.

He doesn’t put it on his holster for your Pokéball like he normally does. This time, he shoves it deep into his bag and zips it up. All you can see of the outside world in the sky is a large dark spot, and everything suddenly goes quiet.
Jeez, just gonna stuff him away completely?? That doesn’t feel very fair at all to Dali.

Is Abe angry at you for being slow to listen to him? For the way he almost got hurt because of you? You think of forcing your way out of your Pokéball to try and explain yourself, to beg his forgiveness for being such an idiot when he’s been your kindest trainer in years…
It’s really quite depressing that Abe is the best Dali has ever had. Sure, he’s nice to him and cares for him, but…he’s still forcing him to do awful things, still forces him away into a dark backpack for days on end when things get rough. It’s…far from the best, honestly.

It means Abe and Kato already removed whatever was in there and cleaned it out. It’s not like them to be this punctual tidying up after hunts and they had to have known that you would come by them eventually.

Were they afraid of how you’d react to whatever used to be there?

“You holding up alright, Dali?”
Even more unsettling. The fact that they know this is upsetting to Dali, and yet…this doesn’t really change anything. They’re still gonna keep poaching and hunting from one place to the next, and this incident will be viewed as nothing more than a hiccup.

So you decide to try and leave this place on a happy note. You spread your wings and warble out a melody. One that others of your kind in Unova made when they first took wing after evolving into Vibrava. A song that let the world know of their transformation and how happy they were to at last be at one with the sky like their parents.
I enjoy the detail that Flygon and Vibrava have specific, customary songs they sing!

You’re hearing the Flygon who sang back to you the past few nights. Except tonight, instead of that strange, charming melody you grew fond of, you hear wailing sobs.
Oh gosh, this hurt my heart. Dali retreats and tries to convince himself that this is fine, the feelings will pass, and everything will eventually go back to normal…but will it? The story ends on that ambiguous note, and we’re left without ever knowing how things will resolve in his mind.

- “Kāchan (母ちゃん)” - “Mum”, “Mommy”. Address for mother that would be specifically used by a young child.
Oh. This hurts. :,( that poor Flygon lost all of her babies…

A very well-done, heartbreaking story. I enjoy the areas of grey morality throughout—not that the actions are morally grey, because they’re very definitely wrong, but the fact that the people behind them are just…people. Rationalizing away what they’re doing. Even if, in Dali’s case, it requires heavy doses of denial.

Great work! This was beautifully written and it flows well. Nicely done!
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. quilava-fobbie
  5. sneasel-kate
Hey everybody, coming right up on the next stop for my review response roundup from Review Blitz 5, and there was quite a crop of reviews to get through for this story:

@Blackjack Gabbiani
ooh second person! Nice, underrated. And a Trapinch! Or a Flygon now. I wonder how they ended up so far from home. Trade?

I mean, you got the answer to this question a bit later on, but Abe technically got her through a trade? ^^;

Hm I wonder what they need the extra space for, and that's a nice way to set up the existence of the truck, by discussing its relative rarity. I like the exchange between Dali and Chase. Chase seems silly, at least so far (chewing on a tire as a hobby?)

Uhoh steel cages they're working for poachers this is not a drill

Yeah, and that was the point of ending that first scene on that note. To take things from just your basic average pair of trainers in the wilderness plus their Pokémon straight into “... Oh.
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” territory.

Virtual wind in the ball? I do wonder, since they say that the balls simulate a natural environment, but I suppose I never considered things like wind.

Yeah, I rolled with the angle that Pokéballs would have simulated environments inside, and a part of that would be mimicries of natural phenomena. Granted, in the end, the inside of the Pokéball is still not a proper substitution for reality, which I tried to get through with Dali’s impressions of life on inside it.

a broken ball? Well yeah if you're a poacher you're going to resort to anything

I mean, not that he really needs the defense, but that one technically wasn’t Abe’s fault.
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Abe's explanation does make sense honestly but still

Yeeeeah, there’s a lot of things that are very [copyka] about putting Pokémon up to illegal activity that make perfect sense from their perspective.

I like the description of the guns; that's really neat

It’s heavily implied that they’ve been stolen, with their serials disfigured such that if Abe and Kato need to ditch their boomsticks in a hurry, they can’t be traced back to them, though glad you found the description fun.

Hm, I wonder...is it important to use a mon from another region because otherwise they'd be able to understand the mons they're poaching and possibly hesitate at something they say?

That’s a heavy part of it, yes. There are presumably plenty of Pokémon that hail from closer to home that also used by poachers, but this one-shot is written in a setting where interregional trading (e.x. the GTS from Gen 4 and on) has been a recent breakthrough, and is starting to have ripple effects on society, including the less savory parts of it.

Why put them in cages if they're caught in balls? I get for later, for display to a buyer, but it would keep them likely better contained, right? Unless pokemon can get out easier that way, but a transfer to a secure (and non-mainstream) PC could handle that, I would think.

I went and tweaked the narration early in the third scene to spell it out more explicitly since this has been a bit of recurring criticism in the past. But essentially it was a guess as to why these cages and nets are regularly used by poachers in the anime: to immobilize one’s quarry and drag them off to a safer place where you’re less likely to worry about some combination of the Pokémon you caught getting away while Pokéballing others, or other wild Pokémon nearby or the errant ranger coming along and interfering with the process of getting said ensnared Pokémon into Pokéballs.

Oh god Chase's tire is like a pacifier to him isn't it? something to calm him down like a child.

More like a squeaky toy, but close enough in role, really.

ah yep, a trade...from a thief no less!

Technically Dali went from said thief to one shady figure after another before winding up with Abe, but that is the ultimate destination of that trade sequence, yes.

Huh, Abe is oddly protective of Dali. Before I was thinking that all the affection was a front but fighting with Kato makes me reconsider that.

I mean, I wouldn’t exactly consider Abe’s relationship with Dali to be perfectly healthy, but he does care enough about them to be worried about how they’d fare in the job that Kato wanted to pull.

I wonder how well red lenses would work for a job like this considering the shift in color would be unnatural to a human and may prevent him from recognizing detail.

Presumably well enough given that they’re implied to be a set of Go-Goggles which get given to randos going through Route 111, but it was an improvised set of equipment since Abe’s normal set were broken shortly before their expedition and time was money.

Oh noooooo baby Trapinches nooooo

Oh yes. We’re twisting all the knives in this story.

What we have here is a failure to communicate

Yeah, no kidding there.
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Aww Chase. I know he means well. Well, as well as a poacher can.

Yeah, and that was an important thing that the one-shot aimed for. To illustrate that as messed-up as Dali’s life and the things they’re up to, that they have companions of their own that have genuine camaraderie. Or at least as much as being in a dodgy profession will allow.

"Like YOU'D done something wrong" Dali please think about why this would be the case

It’s left open-ended as to whether or not Dali does so. Since… yeah, even if Dali comes to terms with “this is wrong”, getting out of their situation isn’t exactly going to be trivial for them.

Dang, that was really good. I like the unusual perspective and the way the pokemon involved don't seem to even realize that this isn't typical human behavior, because it overlaps with their own hunts. And the poachers somehow don't seem like complete monsters, which is interesting given how heartless their behavior is towards their prey

Sounds like I did my job, then. Since I wanted to write villains for the contest who were villains at the day that were a few things about their circumstances different, would be normal people and Pokémon. Since oftentimes, the most heinous deeds are done by people are very average and ordinary in many respects.

Though thanks for the review, and glad to hear that you had fun (or at least a certain value of fun) with reading this story.

@Umbramatic
Hi! Here for Review Blitz! You kept shilling this fic and I eventually thought FINE. YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT. BECAUSE YOU OUR MY FRIEND.

And I’m glad that you took the time out for this during Week 2. It’s a bit on the chunky side, so it can be hard to convince people to give it a shot sometimes. ^^;

Flygon protagonist! Nice to see one of those. I like Flygon. Not as much as Garchomp (Tetra if you see this please don't murder me) but it's still one of my faves. And he has a Krookodile buddy! To a rough defenition of "buddy."

Fuuma: [sad_flygon_noises]
Seish: “No, no, I think he’s onto something there.”
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Mmmmm, curry. Mmmmm, tires.

Dali: “...”
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Chase: “No, no. He’s got a point.” ^^

Ir's really interesting to see the perspective of "poachers" and especially the perspective of Pokemon belonging to said "poachers" they're a concept that only ever really shows up in the main anime IIRC and there they're just people who catch wild Pokemon en masse for implied sinister reasons. So it's interesting to go into what sets them apart from normal Trainer Pokemon teams here.

TL/DR: Concern about the welfare of the Pokémon they catch and their motivations for doing so. As I’m sure you saw in loving detail later on.

Nooooooooooo the poor sand pangolins. That one expecting a killing blow in particular.

Yeah, this story honestly got a bit emotionally draining at times to write during the contest, but I figured that it was important not to beat around the bush too hard about how the business Dali’s up to is ugly and nasty. I mean, there’s some conservation of detail since once upon a time, this one-shot was going to be a part of Like a Dragon and putting out an outright splatterfest as part of it would’ve been hugely jarring, but… yeah. It was still enough of a departure from multiple respects that I thought that it worked better on its own thing.

Our Flygon protag is really focused on what Abe wants, huh.

Very much so. Even if it comes back to bite them later on.

Sandslash smell apparently.

That’s less “Sandslash smell” and more “Sandslash that have been shoveled together in close quarters and jostled around the back of a truck bed while injured and under severe duress smell” from… well, you can get some ideas from that net that Dali found gagworthy.

And here's that uncomfortable question of what these guys are even poaching Pokemon for. Hoo boy.

Dali: “... A paycheck? It apparently helps Abe buy good food and equipment. Couldn’t tell you what happened to our prey since I don’t know how good of eating they’d be half the time.”
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Lmao the earthquake incident

Chase: “Oi, that’s not funny!”
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our protag has gone through a lot, huh

And how.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE BBY TRAPINCH! Flygon protagonist is clearly very shook by this and I don't blame him for shutting down

Yup, and this was why Abe was arguing with Kato the night before.

oh shit. Abe almost got munched. Almost got crunched. -banjo kazoooie music-

Unfortunately for those Trapinch, that remained an ‘almost’ there.

Awww, Abe is worried about Dali. But the Trapinch are already gone…

Moreso worried that Dali hates him after the whole Trapinch episode, since… yeah, there was a reason why he was hesitant to bring Dali along.

So cannibalism is a thing for Krookodile but not for Flygon. Intresting.

Technically that’s not confirmed for the Flygon end and it’s left ambiguous as to how literal Chase is being, but… yeah. IRL crocodilians are very much not above putting each other on the menu for dinner.

Man. Being a poacher is hard man.

So you weren't kidding about this being the bleakest thing you've ever done. But it was still really compelling. Gave a very intresting perspective we don't normally see and squared at that. Thanks for posting!

And thanks for reading! I realize that the story is not exactly most people’s idea of a ‘fun time’, but I’m glad that you found it a compelling read, and your feedback was fun to go through.

@HelloYellow17
It’s a pleasure to return to this one-shot officially, since all I ever saw was the beta version! And it still hits like a punch to the gut like it did then, too.

Dali feels less like a villain here and more of a victim of circumstance; yes, he did terrible things and didn’t really question it until the Trapinch, but he didn’t seek out this life, either. After being passed around over and over again, after experiencing abuse and neglect, he finally found someone who does the bare minimum for him, someone who is at least nice to him, and he seems to have decided that this is as good as it will ever get. It’s heartbreaking, but a pretty realistic depiction of how people irl find themselves in less-than ideal lifestyles.

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After all, that ending note to the story is very deliberately the thing that ultimately keeps Dali in villain territory: knowing that something is wrong and then choosing to ignore it because the alternative is too daunting or uncomfortable to grapple with. Though aside from that quibble, that’s pretty on the mark for what I was going for for a dynamic. As part of putting Dali together as a character, I wanted to explore how sometimes circumstances can make all the difference in leading otherwise normal people into doing the unconscionable.

Oooh! Pokémon speaking different languages and not just humans—not a detail you see in fic very often!

Yeah, that’s kind of a headcanon quirk of mine. Since humans are radically divided by languages on a regular basis in reality, so I didn’t really see a reason why Pokémon shouldn’t be themselves. That, and TPCI paid good money for like 7 separate sets of Pokémon names, so I felt that it was only reasonable to try and use them all in some capacity when it wouldn’t cause giant issues with storytelling.

Lolol I love that he just carries around this tire as his chew toy

I mean, as bleak as this one-shot can get, I figured that having a bit of levity here and there was important to keep things from being a total exercise in depression.

This is interesting to me. We see later that they do use Pokéballs, so what’s the point of all the nets and cages, exactly? Why not throw Pokéballs at their targets right at the scene? Is there a reason for this whole process?

[...]

Huh, yeah, this process doesn’t quite make sense to me. I still don’t understand the need for nets and cages and then using Pokéballs after all of that.

Okay, so this basically worked in reverse from trying to piece together why these implements are reliably in a poacher’s arsenal in the anime, and I made a tweak early on in the third scene of the story to lay out the logic more openly since this is the third review that I’ve gotten where this tripped a reviewer up:

Essentially, Pokéballing multiple Pokémon at once takes time. And a lot of things can happen during the passage of time: the Pokémon you downed could recover and flee or attack you, wild Pokémon from the surroundings could come and attack you to try and free their buddies or score a free lunch, a ranger could pick up on the disturbance and come and check things out, etc.

As such, the main workaround to those problems is to simply keep your poached quarry from being able to fight back and get them to a quiet, secluded place away from prying eyes to spam at your proverbial fish in a barrel until they’re all properly balled. Much like how a predator might carry off hunted prey to its den instead of just eating it in the open.

I mean, yeah, it’d logically get really icky and awful in short order, just like it’s implied to with the Sandshrew/slash, but such is life when the welfare of the Pokémon you’re catching is taking a firm backseat to getting paid.

Oh, interesting! Pokéballs with day/night cycles is a cool detail. I assume his is synced with his homeland?

Correct. With Unovan time, which for this story, was assumed to have roughly the same difference with Hoenn as between the Eastern Seaboard and Japan IRL: 14 hours. As such, the day and night cycle for Dali in their new home is almost completely inverted with what the ball was set on.

Oh. Oh dear. Does this mean Dali is a stolen Pokémon? 😬

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Oh boy, guns. I shouldn’t be surprised given their occupation, and of course they should be ready to defend themselves if a mon attacks them directly. Pretty brutal, though.

I mean, I doubt either Abe or Kato have a really impressive killcount with those sawed-offs since a lot of Pokémon seem like they’d be annoying to kill with small arms fire and Pokéballs do have that medical stasis functionality in this story’s setting, but we do know that small arms exist in PokéAni. Even if they were promptly banished by the censors after their first appearance, I figured that they’d still exist in a Pokémon setting more generally.

Also, if nothing else, making big and scary-sounding noises to startle Pokémon can mean the difference between buying seconds for your Pokémon to come to your aid or getting mauled.

Interesting Flygon lore!

Technically, that’s more “predator lore” in this setting. And this is legitimately a thing with meat from animals in reality. Prolonging the suffering of whatever creature you intend to put on the dinner table is a fast way to have a miserable, unenjoyable meal.

Oh dear. Yeah, I bet rangers are often hot on their tail. Poachers are quite literally the antithesis to Rangers, after all.

I mean, yeah. Crime has a way of catching up with its perpetrators after enough instances when law enforcement actually cares to do something, which they obviously do here given that Dali is technically Abe’s Replacement Goldfish to his old partner.

I find the concept of a language barrier—not just between Dali and his human, but between him and other Pokémon—to be a really fascinating angle! It’s a concept that doesn’t get explored much in the fics I’ve read. It definitely adds to Dali’s alienation here.

Glad to hear that was coming through, and it’s also the reason why this story doesn’t have inline hovertext over its foreign-language dialogue unlike Fledglings or Once a Thief. Part of getting into Dali’s perspective is not knowing what your prey is saying and having to piece things together by context and guesswork.

Well, that and there’s that glossary at the end to give one last knife twist at the very end of reading through the story.

I don’t think I’ve ever considered calling Flygon’s jaws “mandibles,” haha

Yeeeeeah, that’s an artifact of me playing up Flygon’s bug-ness. I went and turned it into “mouth” so that way it’d be a bit more headcanon-neutral, since I know that a lot of readers don’t interpret Flygon that way.

Oof. Even now, he’s more worried about Dali than anything else. The anxiety build-up to this scene was really well done thanks to details like this.

I mean, considering what he and Kato were planning on doing, can you really blame him?
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Yeah, this was a bad idea. Honestly, Chase should have told him! Then he could have made a more informed decision—though odds are probably good that Dali would have insisted on coming anyway.

Alas, one of those ‘for want of a nail’ moments where conflict avoidance comes back to cause bigger issues.

Ugh. :( the fact that this story shows the Pokémon actually speaking to each other makes them…well, a lot more human. It would still be horrible from a human lens, but it’s even worse from a Pokémon’s and there are actual discernible words being spoken, cries that you know are sobs (which a human may not pick up on.) Even if they don’t speak the same language, the impact is there, and it’s gut-wrenching.

Yeah, there were a few parts that were emotionally draining for me to write out back in the process of getting this story together for the Mischief and Malice contest. That moment in particular was one of them.

Jeez, just gonna stuff him away completely?? That doesn’t feel very fair at all to Dali.

It’s a “freak out over how this was a bad idea, Dali absolutely cannot see the rest of us dealing with these Trapinch lest they hate me forever” episode. Hence Abe’s chastened reaction when Dali finally comes back out to reality.

It’s really quite depressing that Abe is the best Dali has ever had. Sure, he’s nice to him and cares for him, but…he’s still forcing him to do awful things, still forces him away into a dark backpack for days on end when things get rough. It’s…far from the best, honestly.

Abe: “Technically, it was for a few hours.”

Which is still awful mind, you, and shows the limitations of Abe and Dali’s bond, since… yeah, it’s very much not a healthy relationship.

Even more unsettling. The fact that they know this is upsetting to Dali, and yet…this doesn’t really change anything. They’re still gonna keep poaching and hunting from one place to the next, and this incident will be viewed as nothing more than a hiccup.

I mean, it might make Abe firmly nix taking Dali out on any future hunts involving Trapinch line ‘mons…
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Though yeah, in all the ways that matter, nothing changed, and Dali will have to come to terms with whether or not they are okay with that. Which at least as of the end of this one-shot, they’re leaning for now towards “yeah, I’ll live, I just won’t think too hard about today”.

I enjoy the detail that Flygon and Vibrava have specific, customary songs they sing!

Which would have probably gone a long way to lifting Dali’s mood if it weren’t for…

Oh gosh, this hurt my heart. Dali retreats and tries to convince himself that this is fine, the feelings will pass, and everything will eventually go back to normal…but will it? The story ends on that ambiguous note, and we’re left without ever knowing how things will resolve in his mind.

That. And yeah, the ending is pretty open to interpretation for where Dali will wind up other than that they’re not ready to let their present life go right away.

Well, until I get motivation to do something else with this character and can come down on what answer I want to give to this, anyways.

Oh. This hurts. :,( that poor Flygon lost all of her babies…

Which is precisely the reason why these translations were withheld until the very end. To drive home that however awful and uncomfortable some of the moments with the “prey” in this story were as seen through Dali's eyes, that the full story was even worse.

A very well-done, heartbreaking story. I enjoy the areas of grey morality throughout—not that the actions are morally grey, because they’re very definitely wrong, but the fact that the people behind them are just…people. Rationalizing away what they’re doing. Even if, in Dali’s case, it requires heavy doses of denial.

Great work! This was beautifully written and it flows well. Nicely done!

And thank you for taking the time to review this story. It’s a bit on the chunkier side and the feedback that you gave was very helpful.

Thanks again for the feedback, everybody, and hopefully I’ll also be seeing you around again in the future in some of my less depressing fare. ^^
 
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