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Non-Pokémon Gun Touches Sword

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Okay so uh, an explanation?

It was 2017, and as a complete and 100% ironic joke I decided to poke fun at the Voltron shipping scene and its various crimes against humanity by writing a really silly, stupid klance fic. And yet! This became my most popular fic ever on AO3. The satire backfired on me hard, this fic actually appealed to people a lot, and I alternate between thinking it's the most hilarious shit ever and being frustrated this fic still gets faves and kudos and whatever over fics I'd rather people read now.

Anyway this is that fic. You have been warned.

Gun Touches Sword



Lance and Hunk were sitting alone together at a table, munching on the Altaean battleship's trademark food goo. Eventually Hunk looked up from his food just long enough to see Lance was visibly agitated, only picking at his own food.



"Hey buddy," said Hunk, "This food goo has an expiration date. Okay, thinking about it, it might not, but you still need food."



"I'm not in the mood to be hungry," Lance said, picking with the food goo in his fingers wearily.



"You homesick again?" said Hunk, furrowing his brow in worry.



"It's not that this time," said Lance.



"Or about your role in the team? I've been worrying about that too if you wanna talk."



"Sorry, not that either."



"Then what is it?" said Hunk.



Lance sighed. "Sexuality."



Hunk eyed Lance oddly. "Well, that came completely out of left field. What on that level's bothering you?"



Lance looked around. He looked at the ceiling. He checked the vents for Allura's space mice. Hunk took another bite of food goo just as Lance finally decided he was done looking and leaned in with a hushed whisper.



"I'm bisexual."



Hunk spat out his food goo. "Wait, you ? That doesn't make sense, I thought you were the ladies' man!"



"And I am!" said Lance, striking one of his trademark poses and giving a gleaming grin.



After a few seconds he looked around and leaned in to whisper again. "But more often than not a cute boy gives me the exact same feelings a cute girl does, except with a side of heebie-jeebies!"



Hunk blinked, then gave Lance a teasing look. "You have a crush on Keith, don't you, Lance?"



At this Lance grimaced and grabbed his hair, nearly pulling some of it out. "Hell no! Keith is the last person I'd want to find out about this! I'd never live it down! 'Hey, you checking out that guy's ass, hahaha you loser' he'd say!"



"Um, that doesn't sound like Keith at all."



"Shut up, it totally does! You gotta help me make sure he never finds out!"



"Alright, buddy, don't worry, your secret is safe with me," said Hunk.



"Alright, thanks," said Lance.



The two finished their food goo and got up to leave when the doors opened to reveal Keith. Lance stiffened.



"You two are taking too long with your snack," said Keith. "I was sent down here to tell you both the team training session starts in a few minutes."



"Alright, sheesh, mullet, we get it, we were already done," said Lance.



"Besides," said Hunk, "me and Lance had to deal with his feelings about-"



Lance quickly covered Hunk's mouth. "Allura! You know what I say, she really activates my particle barrier!" Lance said with a wink.



Keith raised an eyebrow. "For your sake I won't tell her you said that again. Now come on, the training session is starting soon."



He walked off. Lance rounded on Hunk as soon as Keith was out of earshot. "You almost blew my cover!"



"...I was gonna say inadequacy," said Hunk.



"That... That would be embarrassing to admit to him too! Just keep quiet about any embarrassing secrets I have, OK?"



"OK," said Hunk, shrugging.



They walked up after Keith.



--------



In the ship's main control room. Allura paced up and down in front of the assembled Paladins as Coran stood nearby.



"These exercises, Paladins, are to test your ability to work with those who you don't normally associate with."



Everyone glanced at each other nervously.



"As such," said Allura, "Pidge, you will go with Coran."



"Well, this will be an interesting exercise!" said Coran with enthusiasm.



"It sure will," said Pidge with much less enthusiasm.



"Shiro," said Allura, "You will go with Hunk."



"Um, alright, I guess," said Shiro.



"Ok, Shiro and I are buddies for the day, this shouldn't be too har-" said Hunk.



"Wait a minute!" said Lance, cutting off Hunk. "That leaves me and Keith!"



"Well this is just wonderful," said Keith.



"Look, I know you two have a... rivalry," said Allura, "but you'll need to put it aside more thoroughly if we are ever to defeat Zarkon."



"Well can I put it aside with anyone but Keith?" said Lance.



Allura sighed. "No."



"Well, that's it then," said Keith. "We're stuck with each other."



Lance spluttered, then sighed and marched on towards Keith. Allura looked over the others carefully.



"Now," she said, "On to the first part of the exercise..."



------



In the training area, each pair was partitioned off by closed walls, Allura supervising from above.



"Now Paladins," she said, "this will test your abilities to fight in a closed area with a partner, since you have gotten into several such incidents before."



"Great," said Lance. "Now what are we fighting?"



A hologram fizzled into existence as it formed a small, poodle-like alien that wagged its tail at the sight of Lance.



"Aw," said Lance. "It's cute!"



Keith paled. "Wait, Lance, it's probably-"



"Whoops, set it to a pup," said Allura, turning a dial on the controls to the room.



Immediately the puppy-like alien grew and twisted into a wolf-like being with sharp quills along its back and a harpoon-esque stinger tail. Lance paled and almost backed into Keith, causing him to panic even more.



"That is a Deltorian Snaptail," said Allura. "One of the deadliest creatures in the Fulki Quadrant."



"I remember wrangling these things for their venom! said Coran from another section of the arena. "Come on, Pidge, stick with me!"



"Can I trade with Pidge?" said Lance.



"We're stuck with each other, might as well beat this simulation as quickly as possible," said Keith.



"Well if that's so I'm beating it first!" said Lance.



He charged headlong for the Snaptail, the gun from his bayard blazing. The Snaptail responded by whipping its stinger out at Lance, who yelped as he tried to dodge it and tripped. Keith lunged in with his sword, only to barely dodge both the Snaptail's jaws and its stinger. Lance got to his feet and opened fire again only to be grabbed by the foot and tossed.




"Fight on either end of it!" Keith said. "It's the only way to deal with both the jaws and the stinger!"



Lance got to his feet again and begrudgingly opened fire on the Snaptail's rear end, blasting the stinger whenever it whipped close. Keith, meanwhile, slashed with wild abandon at the Snaptail's biting jaws. Suddenly, Keith managed to cleave through the beast's head, causing the hard light hologram to dissipate and throw Keith off balance enough to crash straight into Lance.



They lay tangled together a while, breathing heavily from the fight, totally silent. Finally, Keith spoke up.



"...Your gun is touching my sword?"



Lance hurriedly shoved Keith off and separated their bayards, standing up to glare at Keith. "That's my property, thank you very much!"



Keith stayed on the ground, silently glaring back.



The sound of the other holographic beasts being defeated echoed through the training deck. Eventually, the walls dissipated as well and Allura gave a proud nod.



"Excellent work, Paladins! Now, onto the second phase of the exercise."



------



Out in space, each pair was floating together, bound by extending cords attached to their waists.



"Now!" said Allura, "You all must navigate across the surface of the ship while attached to each other to retrieve the color-coded beacons scattered around the ship's surface. The exercise is complete once all each team's beacons are collected - but be warned, there are booby traps!"



The pairs started experimentally moving together with their jetpacks. Almost immediately Keith and Lance crashed right into each other.



"Lance!" said Keith. "Do you have some freakish desire to be by me at all times for a better score or something? That's not how this works!"



Lance narrowed his eyes. "For your information, mullet, I was trying to get that-"



He reached for a beacon but grabbed a node instead and was promptly given a small shock. "Yeow! Fake beacons? That's just unfair."



Afterwards, Keith and Lance used each other's momentum to scour the ship's surface for beacons. They had managed to collect them all. They then noticed one last beacon floating at a precarious position out of the way of the ship.



"How are we gonna get that one?"



"We're going to need to pivot each other," said Keith. "Get on my shoulders."



"Your scrawny shoulders?" said Lance.



"Just do it," said Keith. "I don't like it as much as you do but we're working together on this."



"Alright, fine," said Lance. He clambered atop Keith's shoulders and positioned himself to be launched at the beacon when he felt Keith steadying him and jumped to the wrong conclusion.



"Are you touching my ass? That is not kinky in the slightest!"



Keith blinked as his eyes widened. "Did you say-"



He suddenly yelped as a node collided with him from behind, sending Lance flying up to the beacon, dragging a flailing Keith along with him. Eventually Lance grabbed the beacon.



"Haha, got it!"



"Ugh," said Keith, "what were you saying before we got launched again?"



"Um, nothing," said Lance.



His eyes drifted to the floating node that had collided with Keith, then over to Hunk nearby, who was giving him a wink and a thumbs up while Shiro wasn't looking.



Lance gave a wink and thumbs up back.



--------



The five paladins and Coran were now assembled in their pairs in front of three special chambers.



"I have prepared these simulation chambers specially for the final stage of this exercise, paladins," said Allura. "Inside you will find something reflecting a mutual terrible fear. Are you all ready?"



The groups looked amongst themselves murmuring, then turned to Allura and nodded.



"Good," she said, "be on your way."



The pairs started to enter their chambers. Lance shoved Keith on the way in. "Better not screw this up, mullet."



"You're one to talk," said Keith back.



As those two entered, Allura couldn't help but give a snicker. She had researched all the relevant Earth ceremonies. She knew they were in for a shock.



--------



Lance and Keith walked together into a dimly lit-room.



"So, what do you think is in here?" said Lance.



"I don't know," said Keith, "but I bet it's not-"



Suddenly two trap doors opened beneath them and they fell screaming into darkness.



-------



Lance came to and noticed he was lying in a field of Altaean flowers, rainbows arching overhead. "What the..."



Keith came to right next to him. "How far did we fall? Are we on another planet?"



He attempted to get to his feet, only to drag a protesting Lance up with him. Confused, Keith looked to their hands and his eyes widened with shock.



"Why are we holding hands? And more importantly why are our hands stuck together?!"



Lance yelped and tried to pry his hand from Keith's, to no avail. "What horrible thing is going on here?!"



“IT SEEMS YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION," said a mechanical voice.



"That is not an answer!" said Lance.



"THIS SEEMS TO BE A PATH WHERE LOVERS WHO MEET THEIR DESTINED PARTNERS DISCUSS THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.”



"Destined lovers?!" said Keith.



"Destined lovers?!" said Lance as well. "No way, Hose, this is not happening!"



“WHAT COULD BE WAITING UP AHEAD? YOU ARE FREE TO STEP FORTH HAND-IN-HAND, CURIOSITY AND FEAR IN YOUR HEARTS, OR YOU CAN REFRAIN.”



Lance scoffed. "We'll refrain, thank you very mu-"



“NOW, STEP FORTH!”



The voice fell silent. It was then the two noticed heart-shaped arches up ahead.



"Whatever orchestrated this has a really nasty sense of humor," said Keith.



"Yeah!" said Lance. "Who does that creepy voice think it is?!"



"Unfortunately," said Keith, "we are literally stuck to each other, so moving forward to find a way out is our best option."



"Wait, seriously?" said Lance. "Talk about unfair..."



The two headed onward into the heart-shaped arches.



------



As they went on, Keith craned his neck to squint at something up ahead. "Is that-"



“SUDDENLY, ALL IN ATTENDANCE HEAR AN ANNOUNCEMENT,” said the voice, booming around them.



"You again!" said Lance.



“UP AHEAD, THEY SEE A BRIDE AND GROOM’S JOYOUS COMMEMORATIVE PHOTOGRAPH OF LOVE. THEY CONFER BETWEEN THEM WHETHER TO LOOK AT IT, OR IGNORE IT.”



"Commemorative photo?!" said Lance. "What is- let me see!"



He rushed over, dragging Keith along with him, only for both of them to stop dead in horror upon seeing what the photograph depicted.



"No..." said Keith. "It can't be..."



"It's me in a wedding dress! And you in a tux! Holding me!" Lance said, shuddering.



"This must be some kind of manipulated photo, we've never done anything like this!" said Keith.



"Just the fact that someone would bother to make this is really creeping me ou-" Lance started to say.



He then whipped his head over to Keith in shock. "Why are you in the tux from the photo?!"



Keith looked down at himself, yelped, and then looked in equal shock at Lance. "I don't know, but why are you in the dress from the photo?!"



Lance looked down at himself to find he was indeed in a wedding dress. He let out a high-pitched scream, then stomped his foot in anger.



"That is it! We are getting to the bottom of this!"



He dragged Keith off again through the heart-shaped archways.



-------



After a while, the two came up to a bulding of the sort they recognised from Earth.



"Is that a... church?" said Keith.



"Okay, mysterious voice, fess up!" said Lance.



"THE LONG-AWAITED MOMENT HAS COME," said the mechanical voice. "THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE FINALLY ABOUT TO ENTER.”



"That does not count as fessing up!" said Lance.



“THE LAST MOMENT OF HESITATION HAS ARRIVED BEFORE YOU ARE TO BE WED.”



"We are not getting married!" said Keith.



“THROUGH YOUR OWN FREE WILL, YOU DECIDE TO VOW ETERNAL LOVE TO EACH OTHER.”



"How is this free will?!" saud Keith.



“NOW, OPEN THE DOOR TOGETHER!”



"You know what? Fine!" said Lance.



"You are going down!" said Keith.



The two worked together to bust down the church doors, only to find the church completely empty, altar, seats, and all. Despite this the voice boomed out yet again.



“YOU MUST VOW YOUR UNWAVERING LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. NOW, VOW YOUR LOVE!”



"We aren't vowing anything!" said Lance.



"We aren't letting you marry us off! This is ridiculous!" said Keith.



"Yeah, we're tired of this little charade!" said Lance.



"So show yourself!" said Keith.



At that, their surroundings suddenly began to dissolve. The church melted away, their suits were restored to normal, and soon the only thing before them was a screen of Allura doing a mock-villainous slow clap.



"Congratulations, you two," Allura said. "You passed."



"That was decidedly not funny, Allura," Keith said.



"Who do you think we are?" said Lance.



"Well," Allura said, "I know you were both against a common enemy there, were you not?"



"Fair point," said Keith.



"Still, don't do that again!" said Lance.



"Oh, don't worry, once was enough!" said Allura. "Now, the exit is that way."



A door opened near the two as the screen of Allura vanished. Lance and Keith exited to find the others standing, waiting for them.



"Wow," said Shiro, "Your trial must have been particularly tough if you guys took that long."



"You, er, could say it was," said Lance.



"We're not talking about it," said Keith.



And the two headed off.



--------



"Wow," said Hunk, after hearing an account of the sordid affair from Lance, "That... was awkward."



"Tell me about it," said Lance, sighing.



"But hey, look on the bright side!" said Hunk. "After that mess, he's gonna have no idea you've got a thing for both guys and girls. With how you acted there he'll probably think you're straight as a ramp!"



"Hey, you've got a point there. Thanks, Hunk."



"No problem. Now night man."



"Night!"



The two walked off to their rooms as Lance thought to himself. Yes, today was humiliating. But it was a victory nonetheless. And he was sure Keith at least would never bug him about it again.



----



That night, Keith lay in bed and thought to himself. He was still on edge from the fact his greatest secret had almost been expo-



No. No, that wasn't his greatest secret, he thought. That was the knife, the mysterious knife that was the only key to his past.



But he still hoped no one, absolutely no one, would find out about the weird, stupid crush he had on Lance.



***
 
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