Pokémon Groudon's Map, Except Groudon Is Purple

[The Walrein]

Groudon’s Map, Except Groudon Is Purple

Waves spread through the ocean as the peak of Mount Coronet pierced the water’s surface, its tip needle-sharp, yet to be touched by snow or weather. One by one, other mountains in its range arose alongside it in a line, like the emergence of a newborn carvanha’s teeth. Then the main mass of Sinnoh forced its way out of the sea. Water poured off of the rising continent in great torrents, creating waves that echoed all the way across the world, slamming into other landmasses with the force of a titan’s fist. Some water was left behind, creating lakes and rivers where it filled in the natural depressions in the land.

Finally, the waves settled, and the seas grew still. Silence. And then…

“That’s the last one, I think. Looks good. Well, good enough, at least.” A pink, long-tailed creature hovered over the newborn landmass, eyes shifting rapidly to take in all its varied topography.

Beside her, an armored beast with amethyst scales stood on a pillar of stone jutting out of the ocean. “Yay! Groudon is good continent-maker!” he exclaimed, and thumped the pillar with his fucshia tail, producing a thunderous sound and causing it to nearly crack in two with the force.

“Uh-huh,” Mew said, ignoring them in favor of scanning a clipboard held in her stubby paws. She made a few quick marks, glanced at a watch strapped to her wrist, then broadcast a telepathic message reaching all corners of the nascent planet:

Okay team, it’s time for another project review! You should’ve all had more than enough time to finish up your tasks while I was supervising Groudon’s job, so I want to see everyone in the Meeting Hall within five kilo-seconds!

Faint traces of irritation returned to Mew through her psionic senses.

And yes, Palkia, that includes you! Yes, I know that ‘keeping track of time is Dialga’s job’, but that’s no excuse to be late to everything! Especially not when you can warp anywhere in a single instant! Sheesh!

Grumbling, Mew traced a circle in the air with her tail, opening a glowing portal in the sky. She floated through to the other side, and began to close it when she heard an alarmed shout. Mew sighed and forced the portal to stretch to several meters in diameter, then waited impatiently as Groudon hustled towards it, pillars of rock erupting from the ocean to support each of his footsteps as he ran, light glinting off his lilac form-

--------------------------------------------------

APRIL FOOLS! Did you get the joke? I put it into the title in case you missed it. See, ordinarily Groudon is red, but in this fic, he’s purple, which is a hilarious subversion of expectations! Even Groudon’s shiny form is green, not purple! Also, I used a bunch of wacky exotic synonyms for purple like ‘amethyst’ and ‘fuschia’ to expand on the joke.

...Pokemon unexpectedly being different colors is funny, isn’t it? That’s – that’s why people get so excited about shiny Pokemon, right? You laughed, right? Please tell me you laughed. Come on, at least a little giggle? No?

Crap. I think I might’ve screwed this up again. Sorry, this just isn’t turning out to be a very good day for me. How to salvage this… um, alright, here’s a fun reference: It’s a good thing I choose to make Groudon purple instead of green, because green isn’t a creative color!

...no, ugh, that was pathetic. There’s no fixing this, is there? The chance for a good April Fool’s Day joke only comes around one day in three-hundred-and-sixty-five, and this year, I totally blew it. I don’t really have any good excuses, do I? You might not’ve been expecting me to have posted anything for April 1st this year since I didn’t the last few years, but I bet you were expecting that if I did post an April Fool’s joke, it would’ve been completely awesome and entirely in keeping with The Walrein’s reputation as a first-class humorist.

Or, maybe you weren’t expecting anything good from me at all. Maybe I’m just not as funny as I think I am. Crap, now I’m getting all depressed… Look, I guess your consolation prize for this whole thing is that you can know for sure that any more posts I make today are going to be completely serious. Sorry, but I’m not really feeling up to trying for a third April Fool’s Day joke today. I hope you understand.

Okay, sorry, this whole thing is getting super-awkward. I’m just gonna go now, okay? Great, bye. Hopefully I’ll come up with something actually good next year.

 

[Negrek]

EXACTLY WHAT IT SAID ON THE TIN, PERFORMED AS EXPECTED

Happy April Fool's, Walrein! I laughed, so you did just fine. Now I need to check out that other definitely-not-a-joke story you posted...

 

[kintsugi]

Sheer perfection. My expectations--that the titular character would not be purple--were so thoroughly subverted. I was bamboozled, utterly. Themes are for eighth grade book reports.

 

[SparklingEspeon]

LIES AND DECEPTIONS

I came for purple groudon. Purple. Groudon. But purple groudon is never mentioned once outside of the title, only the FALSE PURPLES like fuchsia, lilac, and even amethyst! I feel betrayed. This is false advertising. :judgement:

0/10 caught purple-handed

 

[kintsugi]

Readers should note that this review is exactly 249 words. There are also images in the review, but images contain zero words; rather, they contain pixels that are shaped like words. One might even say this is a review, except the review is purple.

---

Waves spread through the ocean as the peak of Mount Coronet pierced the water’s surface, its tip needle-sharp, yet to be touched by snow or weather. One by one, other mountains in its range arose alongside it in a line, like the emergence of a newborn carvanha’s teeth. Then the main mass of Sinnoh forced its way out of the sea. Water poured off of the rising continent in great torrents, creating waves that echoed all the way across the world, slamming into other landmasses with the force of a titan’s fist. Some water was left behind, creating lakes and rivers where it filled in the natural depressions in the land.

Finally, the waves settled, and the seas grew still. Silence. And then…

“That’s the last one, I think. Looks good. Well, good enough, at least.” A pink, long-tailed creature hovered over the newborn landmass, eyes shifting rapidly to take in all its varied topography.

Beside her, an armored beast with emerald scales stood on a pillar of stone jutting out of the ocean. “Yay! Groudon is good continent-maker!” he exclaimed, and thumped the pillar with his green tail, producing a thunderous sound and causing it to nearly crack in two with the force.

 

[Namohysip]

I don't know what to think about this one. Your humor can always surprise me at times, and it's a little surprising to me that I can be surprised anyway. This time by an anti-joke... I think?? I don't even know anymore! I did get a little laugh out of it, though, though I definitely preferred your Kyogre one, having read both in retrospect.

I suppose as short as this is, and the fact that it's a joke fic with a bit of humor to it, I'll make it a little challenge of mine to actually provide something useful to you here. In the end, I only found two things worth mentioning.

First, while the punchline was a funny antijoke, I don't know if drawing the joke on for so many paragraphs had quite the amount of payoff you would have wanted for the effort it might have taken. The whole joke at the end probably would have been more effective as one or two paragraphs, timing wise, even with the 'pathetic entertainer' angle. Less is more, but maybe only a little less this time, cutting it down by a paragraph or so.

Second, I noticed early on that you didn't formally introduce the species name and instead described in extra detail what the Pokemon looked like, and introduced the species a paragraph later. I think, all things considered, the way that was arranged was odd and perhaps unnecessary. Relatively small change, but some of it felt a little like padding, which is sort of odd for something that's as short as it is.

Thanks anyway, though, and I guess this means I should be looking for more stories of this nature from you in the future. Nice crackfics to stop thinking every now and then.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, this was a one-shot that I was originally intending to review alongside Hey, Kyogre! though things kinda fell through for that. Given that it's the final 17 hours of Review Blitz, I guess now's as good a time as any to circle back to things and get the ball rolling, huh?

Waves spread through the ocean as the peak of Mount Coronet pierced the water’s surface, its tip needle-sharp, yet to be touched by snow or weather. One by one, other mountains in its range arose alongside it in a line, like the emergence of a newborn carvanha’s teeth. Then the main mass of Sinnoh forced its way out of the sea. Water poured off of the rising continent in great torrents, creating waves that echoed all the way across the world, slamming into other landmasses with the force of a titan’s fist. Some water was left behind, creating lakes and rivers where it filled in the natural depressions in the land.

Finally, the waves settled, and the seas grew still. Silence. And then…

“That’s the last one, I think. Looks good. Well, good enough, at least.” A pink, long-tailed creature hovered over the newborn landmass, eyes shifting rapidly to take in all its varied topography.

Wait. Is that Mew that did all of that? I admittedly wouldn't have expected the little cat to pull it off creating landmasses but-" .-.

Beside her, an armored beast with amethyst scales stood on a pillar of stone jutting out of the ocean. “Yay! Groudon is good continent-maker!” he exclaimed, and thumped the pillar with his fucshia tail, producing a thunderous sound and causing it to nearly crack in two with the force.

... Oh, so Groudon is literally purple for this one-shot. I did a double-take there for a moment and it took me a bit to see it, but... yeah. :V

“Uh-huh,” Mew said, ignoring them in favor of scanning a clipboard held in her stubby paws. She made a few quick marks, glanced at a watch strapped to her wrist, then broadcast a telepathic message reaching all corners of the nascent planet:

Okay team, it’s time for another project review! You should’ve all had more than enough time to finish up your tasks while I was supervising Groudon’s job, so I want to see everyone in the Meeting Hall within five kilo-seconds!

Groudon: "... Wait, we have a meeting hall?"

Faint traces of irritation returned to Mew through her psionic senses.

And yes, Palkia, that includes you! Yes, I know that ‘keeping track of time is Dialga’s job’, but that’s no excuse to be late to everything! Especially not when you can warp anywhere in a single instant! Sheesh!

Have you ever considered that maybe Palkia just doesn't care? Since that could also explain a few things, Mew. :V

Grumbling, Mew traced a circle in the air with her tail, opening a glowing portal in the sky. She floated through to the other side, and began to close it when she heard an alarmed shout. Mew sighed and forced the portal to stretch to several meters in diameter, then waited impatiently as Groudon hustled towards it, pillars of rock erupting from the ocean to support each of his footsteps as he ran, light glinting off his lilac form-

Groudon: "Haha, I'm going to get such a glowing review, I can tell." ^^

APRIL FOOLS! Did you get the joke? I put it into the title in case you missed it. See, ordinarily Groudon is red, but in this fic, he’s purple, which is a hilarious subversion of expectations! Even Groudon’s shiny form is green, not purple! Also, I used a bunch of wacky exotic synonyms for purple like ‘amethyst’ and ‘fuschia’ to expand on the joke.

...Pokemon unexpectedly being different colors is funny, isn’t it? That’s – that’s why people get so excited about shiny Pokemon, right? You laughed, right? Please tell me you laughed. Come on, at least a little giggle? No?

Well, this is certainly getting really meta really fast. :V

Crap. I think I might’ve screwed this up again. Sorry, this just isn’t turning out to be a very good day for me. How to salvage this… um, alright, here’s a fun reference: It’s a good thing I choose to make Groudon purple instead of green, because green isn’t a creative color!

Okay there, narrator. Whatever you say.

...no, ugh, that was pathetic. There’s no fixing this, is there? The chance for a good April Fool’s Day joke only comes around one day in three-hundred-and-sixty-five, and this year, I totally blew it. I don’t really have any good excuses, do I? You might not’ve been expecting me to have posted anything for April 1st this year since I didn’t the last few years, but I bet you were expecting that if I did post an April Fool’s joke, it would’ve been completely awesome and entirely in keeping with The Walrein’s reputation as a first-class humorist.

Or, maybe you weren’t expecting anything good from me at all. Maybe I’m just not as funny as I think I am. Crap, now I’m getting all depressed… Look, I guess your consolation prize for this whole thing is that you can know for sure that any more posts I make today are going to be completely serious. Sorry, but I’m not really feeling up to trying for a third April Fool’s Day joke today. I hope you understand.

Wait, what was this third AFD joke that's being alluded to. Since I don't exactly believe that last line.

Okay, sorry, this whole thing is getting super-awkward. I’m just gonna go now, okay? Great, bye. Hopefully I’ll come up with something actually good next year.

I get the feeling that this piece probably would be funnier if read in conjunction with whatever those other 'AFD jokes' that were alluded to are, but I can't tell what exactly they are. It might be worth something worth putting in a preamble or the like.

Anyhow, thanks for the read @The Walrein . It definitely was a surprising read, even if I admittedly kinda felt a little out of the loop on the joke at the end. Happy writing and good luck with the rest of Review Blitz.