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Pokémon Greenhorn Prometheus

Chapter 1

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
So, uh. This is that secret project/Project Gene I kept mentioning on Discord and a few other places. And after several months of being cryptic I can finally tell you...


It's a crossover (with Young Frankenstein) Halloween special. And a very silly one at that. I am probably doing one half of the crossover a supreme injustice but I tried I guess (and also removed some problematic bits you're welcome).


This was all already prewritten and is going to be posted in three parts around the beginning, middle, and end of October. Anyway, here we go:


Greenhorn Prometheus

qdjO7AV.jpg


greenhorn_prometheus_cover_2.png

(Banner by Chibi Pika! Cover by me)

Chapter 1: Origin


Thunder crackled across the Kanto sky in the dead of night. Was it the whim of Zapdos or some other Pokemon? It was not clear. Rain pattered down and the dark storm clouds rolled and tumbled.


In the massive estate the thunder and lightning were crackling over. Deep within its confines lay a coffin. Slowly, trembling hands opened the coffin to reveal a human corpse, clutching tightly to a box. They touched the corpse's hands, slowly pried them off, flinched when the corpse seemed to move, then grabbed the box and ran.


----------


At a university in Unova, behind a door labeled DEPARTMENT OF BIOLOGY, a man with red hair was lecturing a class, pointing to a chart of an Altaria's brain and nervous system with a scalpel.


"As you can see, the medulla oblongata connects to-"


"Professor Altamura?" said a student, standing up.


The man's eye twitched. "It's Alti-mira. And call me Silver."


"Is it true you're the son of crime boss and sponsor of mad science Giovanni Altamura?"


Silver sighed and sat down.


"Do not mention my father in this classroom."


"But sir, have you ever thought of using your father's forays into the sciences for goo-"


"My father was a lunatic, and whatever contribution he made to science was through unwitting pawns. I would never think of repurposing it in my life. Sit down or I'll deduct from your grade for disrupting the class."


Silver did not seem to notice or care he had stabbed himself in the leg with the scalpel.


The student opened his mouth, went through several motions including one suspiciously similar to the thinking emoji, then sighed, closed his mouth, and sat back down. During the debate Silver did not notice an old man with a box enter the room.


"Anyway!" said Silver. "I believe it is time for the demonstration!"


Another scientist entered the room and handed Silver a Premier ball. Silver opened the ball to reveal a Braixen.


"Full disclaimer," said Silver, "I have never worked with this Pokemon before and probably wouldn't attempt it on one of my own. I don't really care."


The students muttered nervously. The Braixen gave him a look.


"See, this is an instinctive response, controlled by genes."


He swung a hand toward the Braixen. The Braixen stopped him with a paw.


"This is a premeditated response, controlled by behavior."


He attempted to lightly punch the Braixen. The Braixen rolled his eyes and made Silver punch himself in the face.

"Ow... Anyway! These responses are controlled by specific parts of this Braixen's brain! So what if we suppressed those?"


He produced a headset, placing it carefully on the Braixen's head. The Braixen promptly froze up, but did not move.


"Now then..." said Silver.


He started tickling it. It still did not move.


"See? If you suppress certain parts of the brain or genome or certain other biological functions... everything changes!"


He removed the headset, only to be floored by a fiery blast from the Braixen. The Braixen jumped off the table and stormed off. Another scientist approached the floored Silver, who held up a Poke bill.


"Give his Trainer five hundred will you?"


The other scientist nodded and left. Silver stood up and looked around at the class, only now noticing the scalpel in his leg and sighing.


"Class is dismissed."


The class all sighed in relief and started leaving the room. The one exception was the old man, who approached Silver with the box. Silver looked at him curiously. "Hello, what is it?"


"It's Dr. Fuj- er, Ijuf, at your service."


"What service?"


"Well, I'm here to inform you... Well, first off, your great grandfather, Beaufort Altamura, has passed."


"Oh, I'm... Dreadfully sorry, he and I weren't exactly close but this is still-"


"And on that note... You've inherited the Altamura estate."


"...Oh. Oh no no no."


-------------------------


Silver was sitting in his room, staring at his phone. As much angst potential as there'd be, it'd be a lie to say he was alone - a Feraligatr was curled up at his feet, a Magnezone floated about, a bored Weavile flicked at the drawstrings. Silver looked around at all of them and sighed.


"Well, here goes nothing."


He went to one of his contacts and called them with Watchog Chat. A girl with light blue hair tied in pigtails that pointed upward answered, with a Typhlosion peering over her shoulder.


"Silver! Hey! Nice hearing from you!"


"I know, Kris, I know... I've been caught up in work for the university."


"I figured, don't worry. So what's up?"


"...Apparently I inherited the family estate."


Kris' eyes widened. Her Typhlosion growled with concern. "Wait... Your family?"


"Yes."


"...Remind me of the deal with them? I mostly know your father and assumed the rest was bad news."


Silver sighed. "First I should go over the one who just died. My great-grandfather, Beaufort Altamura. Founder of Team Rocket."


"So he's the one who started it all?"


"Yes. It started as a small smuggling ring before becoming something bigger and nastier. Eventually it was passed down to his daughter, Mary Louise Altamura... Otherwise known as Madame Boss."


"Never knew much about her..."


"She stayed quiet compared to my old man. Didn't like having her name on anything on anything that could be traced back to her, hence the codename. She had a husband but something happened and he was killed, but not before she could give birth to my dad. She did have a stint with some woman I don't know the identity of but after my dad took over Team Rocket... She left, and no one knows where she went."


He sighed.


"And after my father took over... You know the rest."


"So this family history's finally catching up to you, huh?" said Kris. Her Typhlosion frowned.


"Apparently."


"You want me to come over and help you deal with it? I'm busy with stuff but I can be at the estate when I get the chance."


Silver smiled.


"Thanks. I'd appreciate that a lot."


----------------


Silver gazed out the window of the airplane in Mistralton as the plane prepared to take off. Many thoughts stewed in his mind. What was the estate like after all these years? Would people remember him? What would they do if they remembered him? His fingers clenched tightly to the seat out of anxiety.


It was enough he didn't notice a tall man in a labcoat board the plane and sit down the way.


---------------


Silver stepped out from the airport into the fog. It was dark, late, and there weren't many others around. At least, not that he could see.


It was then he heard a noise. And breathing.


"Hello?"


"Dr. Altamura?"


Silver whipped around to see a tall blond man with a labcoat and glasses staring very intently at him.


"...Alti-mira."


"Well then!" said the man. "It's wonderful to meet you, I've heard so much about your work."


"And you are...?"


"Colress! Researcher of Pokemon power."


"Uh-huh. What are you doing here?"


"There's been reports of Mega Stones being found in the Kanto region! I need to investigate them straight away!"


He looked around.

"Problem is I don't know where to start... Also I don't have a place to stay."


Silver sighed.


"Here's the deal. Since you're a fellow scientist, you can stick with me until you find a place to stay. But don't make my time any harder."


Colress beamed, specifically in a fashion which did not give Silver much confidence his act of kindness was a good idea.


"Thank you! There's so much to discover here... Having your assistance will be beneficial, surely!"


Silver rolled his eyes, and not in an attempt to see the back of his skull. "Yes, yes..."


His gaze then diverted to the large blue... cowlick? Extending from the rest of Colress' hair.

"You know, I had a stint as a tailor... I could probably take care of that swirl for you."


"What swirl?"


There was a long, uncomfortable pause.


"...Never mind. Let's get going."


Silver set off, Colress trailing after.


------------


The two eventually got to a bus stop, waiting patiently in the fog for the bus to roll up. Eventually it did, and Silver and Colress stepped aboard.


There weren't many people on the bus at this hour, so the pair had no trouble finding seats. It was then, however, that Silver noticed a woman with dark hair and magenta clothing eyeing him oddly. He elected to ignore the woman at first, up until he heard a voice in his head.


~You.~


Silver jumped in his seat a bit, naturally earning him a few more looks from the other people on the bus. After a second he attempted to think back.


Who the hell are you?


~Not your concern right now. You know about something I'm looking for.~


And exactly what is that?


~The Altamura estate. Namely how to get in.~


Silver gulped. How'd you get that idea?


~I'm a psychic. I just know.~


Silver paused, took a deep breath. The auric spectrum was a well-documented phenomenon, there is no harm being caused to his brain by this woman poking at his though-


~If I wanted to fry your brain I'd have done it already.~


Silver turned white.


~Now. I want to accompany you to your estate.~


Why?!


~I need to check if the place still has anything nasty left over from the Rocket days. I don't intend to do any harm. At least if you don't get up to anything shifty.~


I intend nothing of the sort!

~Then we should be fine.~


...Fine. But as soon as you get what you want you're leaving with Colress.


~Fair enough. Though since you're helping I'll tell you my name. It's Sabrina.~


...Wait, you're the Sabrina? Saffron City gym leader?


~That's me.~


What have I gotten myself into?

~Hopefully not much. Hopefully.~


----------


The bus came to a stop at the end of a long, winding trail. Silver, Colress, and Sabrina got off and looked around as it sped off, as if in a hurry to get away from the place.


"Colress? Sabrina here is going to be accompanying us for now," said Silver.


"Oh? You're Sabrina? The Pokestars celebrity?" said Colress


~That's me.~ said Sabrina.


"Wonderful! Your unique perspective could help our research!"


"Don't get too cozy," said Silver. "You both are leaving as soon as I get situated and Sabrina checks out the place."


With that, they made their way up the trail, passing through dark trees with wild Pokemon making eerie noises within - for ambience, obviously. Eventually the trio cleared the trees and came across an impressive sight.


A castle reached upward into the dark sky, its spires seeming to touch the clouds. Faint light shone through the windows, but it seemed less inviting and more foreboding.


"This is... The estate," said Silver. "I remember it a little too well."


"It looks suitably ominous!" said Colress.


~I dig the aesthetic.~ said Sabrina.


"...Okay, neither of you get it, let's just go in."


Silver sighed and knocked on the door.


It slowly creaked open. As it opened wider, it revealed a visage that made Silver and Sabrina's eyes widen.


"...Agatha?"


~Agatha?~


Nearby several Mudsdale neighed in fear at the name.


"Hello, you three."


"Agatha," said Silver, wincing as the Mudsdale neighed in horror again, "how are you even ali- er, what are you doing here?"


"After your father was deposed as the head of Team Rocket, it was decided I would help take care of the estate in his stead, and so with that I resigned from the Elite 4 to pursue a nice little retirement. That is until you all showed up."


"Pleasure to meet you Agatha!" said Colress to further Mudsdale neighs. "It's an honor to meet someone so esteemed in this region!"


~Agatha,~ said Sabrina, being very careful not to broadcast her message to the Mudsdale, ~Are things... all right?~


"Splendid. There's no one here to bother me. Aside from old man Beaufort and he's... You know."


"Er, yes," said Silver. "Can we come in now?"


"Certainly, my dear," Agatha said.


Silver did not like the way she said "my dear", or the longing look in her eyes when she said "my dear", or that she had said "my dear" at all, but he headed in anyway, followed by Sabrina, then Colress. Right before the door closed, however, Colress poked his head out.


"Agatha!"


The Mudsdale neighed in fear as Colress snickered and closed the door.


---------------


Inside the estate, it was about as lavish as you'd expect a damn rich person's home to be. Fancy chandeliers, paintings all over the walls, and lit candles, among other things, decorated the entire place.


"Come now," said Agatha.


She led the three through the estate into a massive library.


"Amazing!" said Colress.


~What's in these books anyway?~ said Sabrina.


"History and literature from where my ancestors came from," said Silver. "Scientific treatises. Books on Ground-types."


"I've been taking good care of it while the family's been gone," said Agatha. "Follow me, please, Silver."


She started leading him up a winding staircase. They eventually got to a large, imposing door, which Agatha opened to reveal a room containing a bed and a second library, and large portraits of Beaufort, Madame Boss, and Giovanni.

"This was your great grandfather's room. It's yours now."


"I see..." said Silver.


He started inspecting the books.


"...Where's the private library?"


"Hmm?"


"These books, they're all the same sort you'd find downstairs, just a bit more esoteric. I know my father and grandparents had a bit more than these to hide."


"Those are the only two libraries I know, Dr. Allymeera."


"Alti-mira. And I think I need to go to bed."


"Would you like brandy?"


"Er, no."


"Warm Moomoomilk?"


"No thank you."


"Ovaltine?"


"...They still make that? Ack, I just want to go to bed."


"Very well. Goodnight."


Silver headed off to another corner of the room to unpack his pajamas, only to see Agatha kissing the Madame Boss portrait and telling it goodnight out of the corner of his eye.


He stood stock still until she left the room and then hurried to bed.


------------


Silver tossed and turned in his sleep, muttering to himself.


"No... I'm not like them... I can't... I'm a scientist, I don't believe in fate... no, I can't say it, I can't-"


He started singing. "Destiny! Destiny! No escaping that for me! Destin-"


A telepathic slap. Silver woke up. "Huh? What was that? How-"


Sabrina walked in the room. ~Next time, have less loud nightmares. I'm trying to sleep too.~


"Fine, fine."


~Also could you turn off your easy-listening muzak?~


"What muza-"


Then he heard it. Slow, soft, quiet, but unmistakably some kind of string instrument. Silver didn't really know his strung instruments, granted, but he could recognize one dammit.


"I'm not making that music."


Sabrina blinked, then looked around. ~Hmmm. It seems to be coming from behind this bookcase.~


"Behind it? That can't be right..."


He got up to look. Sure enough, the music came from behind the wall.


"Hmm."


He removed a book from the bookcase. Nothing. "Let me try closer to the noise..."


He started looking over the books on the other side of the bookshelf. "Hand me that candle so I can see, will you?"


Sabrina plucked an old-fashioned candle from the wall and suddenly the bookcase did a 180 rotation, trapping Silver on the other side.


"Ack! Put it back, put it back!"


~Hmm, I think I'll just leave you here,~ said Sabrina.


"This is serious!"


Sabrina pouted. ~Fine...~


She put the candle back. This time the bookshelf did a 360 spin, still trapping Silver on the other side.


"I'm going to have to block it with my body!" said Silver.


~Bad idea but OK.~ Sabrina removed the candle again, Silver trying to wedge his way through only to get stuck.


"Okay maybe just push it?" said Silver.


Sabrina sighed and sent out her Alakazam. ~Fix the bookshelf for the yakuza brat.~


~Most certainly,~ said her Alakazam, locking the bookshelf in a sideways position, Silver stumbling over to Sabrina's side as she gazed in.


~Yep. Hidden passageway.~


"And the music's coming from it..." said Silver. He paused. "We should probably go in."


~I definitely should. This has Rocket all over it.~


Sabrina recalled her Alakazam and the two descended down the passageway.


---------


There were Spinarak cobwebs and Rattata everywhere as they descended. Eventually they reached a door; Silver took the handle in his hand only for it to break. He sighed and pushed the door open; beyond he found strange bottles and tubes and a display of preserved human and Pokemon remains.


"Gross..." said Silver.


He looked down a row of preserved, labeled human heads. Three years dead, two years dead, six months dead, freshly dea-


"Hello!" yelled the freshly dead head, causing Silver and Sabrina to jump back and yell only to realize it was Colress.


"I want to be the very best, like no one ever was-" Colress sung.


"Colress! Enough fooling around!" said Silver. "How'd you get down here?"


Colress removed himself from the display to join the other two. "I came down through the dumbwaiter! I heard the most lovely music, and I headed after it so it could be a source of scientific inspiration! I'm just a hair away from finding it!" he said, pointing to his swirl.


"Wait I thought-" Silver started to say.


~So it wasn't you. Not that you seem to be the musician type.~


"...So someone else must be down here. And the only other door's that way."


"Looks dangerous..." said Colress. "You two go first, I'll do my scientific duties from the rear."


Silver groaned as the group headed onward, to another door. Silver opened it to nothing but darkness. "Are there any lights in here?"


"I see a switch, but it looks dangerous," said Colress.


Silver pulled the switch only to yell as sparks flew.


"Told you!" said Colress.


The switch, thankfully for Silver, did successfully turn the lights on. The group started out in awe at what they saw.


A massive laboratory lay out before them, with test tubes and beakers and strange cylinders and equipment all around. Silver's eyes widened as he recognized flash cloning technology among it all.


"It can't be..."


~The rumors were true after all,~ said Sabrina.


"Rumors?"


~The lab on Cinnabar wasn't the only lab Rocket had. They had this backup the whole time... and probably used it to test prototypes of the Mewtwo project.~


"Exactly," said Silver. "To think it was here this whole time..." He looked around. "It's pretty messy."


"Well, scientific environments need to be sterile but if you want to renovate the place maybe some flowers, throw pillows, Pokedolls..." said Colress.


"Wait," said Silver. The music's stopped, but there's a light behind that door..."


The group crept down and opened the door, only to find a room full of books and papers. Silver looked around to find a violin resting on the table. "Well the music must have been coming from this..."


~What even is this side room though?~ said Sabrina.


"Music room, I guess?" said Colress, inspecting the violin.


Silver inspected the books. "Wait... It can't be... It is! This is the private library!"


He started shuffling through the books and papers, until he came across one book in particular -


How We Did It, by Dr. Fuji and Giovanni Altamura


"...My father and his colleagues weren't ones for subtlety."


-------------


It was even later into the night. Sabrina and Colress were fast asleep, heads on the table, but Silver was engrossed in the book.


"These formulas and methods and hypothesis... They all seem like the ramblings of a madman to an outside observer but if you dissect them carefully they're almost genius..."


He gave a manic grin, a dangerous light in his eyes.


"I see how it all happened... And how it all failed. Yet I don't want to stop here..."


"...I want to do one better."


***
 
Last edited:

Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
  1. mew-adam
  2. celebi-shiny
  3. roserade-adam
This was a fun read, I had quite a few chuckles here and there.

The characters were all fun and well written. I liked Silver's portrayal here as a grumpy college professor and the scene with the braixen got a laugh out of me.

Seemed kinda random that Colress just to happened to board the same plane as Silver, but knowing Colress he probably stalked him or something like that. Least he got a free ride to Kanto from it. He's one of my favorite characters from the Gen 5 games and I liked his inclusion here.

Honestly I forgot Sabrina even existed till she showed up in this story. I've always seen her as the most interesting psychic specialist gym leader across all the regions honestly. The others tend not to leave much of an impression on me. It could be because she's seemingly the only who has more or less mastered the psychic arts despite being human.

All in all this is a decent fic with a decent hook and fun written characters. I look forward to seeing more of it.
 
Chapter 2

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
This was a fun read, I had quite a few chuckles here and there.

The characters were all fun and well written. I liked Silver's portrayal here as a grumpy college professor and the scene with the braixen got a laugh out of me.

Seemed kinda random that Colress just to happened to board the same plane as Silver, but knowing Colress he probably stalked him or something like that. Least he got a free ride to Kanto from it. He's one of my favorite characters from the Gen 5 games and I liked his inclusion here.

Honestly I forgot Sabrina even existed till she showed up in this story. I've always seen her as the most interesting psychic specialist gym leader across all the regions honestly. The others tend not to leave much of an impression on me. It could be because she's seemingly the only who has more or less mastered the psychic arts despite being human.

All in all this is a decent fic with a decent hook and fun written characters. I look forward to seeing more of it.

Thank you! Glad you had a good impression and liked the characters haha. Anyway...

Part two! Since I wasn't initially super-clear about this before, this whole thing is a parody-of-a-parody/retelling of Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder's Young Frankenstein, which should give some context but isn't required viewing for this fic (indeed some of the jokes might land better if you don't). Weirdly AO3 has a Young Frankenstein tag but FFnet doesn't. Anyway...


Chapter 2: Construction


The next morning, Silver, Colress, and Sabrina were having a lovely breakfast like nothing had happened.


"Pass the pancakes, Sabrina?" said Silver.


Sabrina telepathically lifted over a platter of pancakes, Silver taking bites while looking at How We Did It.


"...We're going to need a lot of DNA," said Silver.


"How so?" said Colress.


"Some of our own, for starters, human DNA was a vital ingredient in the original Mewtwo project... Then we need Alakazam DNA, Lucario DNA, Mismagius DNA, all sorts of others... And last but certainly not least, Mew DNA."


~That's going to be a tall order...~ said Sabrina. ~Are you absolutely sure you can reverse engineer the Mewtwo project for good?~


"Positive. I know what made the first project fail. I know what to avoid."


"If I may chime in?" said Colress, "I have... Connections that can provide us with every bit of Pokemon DNA that isn't Mew's, as well as more modern flash cloning equipment.


"Really? Colress thank you!"


"Give me one moment..."


He pulled out a phone and dialed a number.


"Yes, hello? Colress here. I have a favor to ask..."


---------------


Silver heard a thud on the side of the estate.


He ran out to see an airship had parked out in front, with men in strange outfits swarming around.


"What in the name of Lugia is this?"


Colress approached. "Oh hey! These are my ex-Neo Plasma friends! They offered blood samples from their Pokemon and, ahem, acquired the necessary cloning equipment!"


"That's great but can they park the airship further from the estate?"


"Certainly! Hey guys, back it up!"


The airship started making beeping noises as it indeed started backing up.


Silver sighed.


------------


In the laboratory, the DNA samples had been lined up in front of a massive machine. Silver placed three samples with the others - one labeled "Silver", one labeled "Colress," and one labeled "Sabrina." The three sources of the samples looked upon the display.


"We just need the Mew DNA, right?" said Colress.


"Precisely," said Silver. "But I'm not sure how to get it..."


~I may have a lead.~ said Sabrina. ~Pewter Museum has some samples of Mew DNA in the back. Including that of one Mew of the Tree Of Beginning.~


"That would be perfect!" said Silver!


"I'll sneak in and get it!" said Colress. "They'll think I'm just there for normal research!"


"Excellent, Colress, thank y-"


Silver stopped and stared at Colress, specifically at his swirl. "Wasn't that twisting in the other direction before?"


"Huh?"


"...Never mind, just go get that Mew DNA."


----------------


It was dark, and stormy and a night. Colress had already made his way into the Pewter Museum and was headed for the back rooms.


He reached through a slot in the door to open it from the inside, and after being briefly startled by his own hand, entered.


There before him were vials of the DNA of various different Legendaries. Colress grinned as he made his way over to one vial in particular - Rotan Mew.


He reached out to take it, but a bolt of lightning hit very close to the museum at that instant, startling him and causing him to drop the sample, splattering it all over the floor. In a panic he looked around, spotting a sample labeled "Abnormal Mew DNA" - well it was still Mew DNA and he didn't see any more, so it'd have to do. He grabbed the sample and spirited it out of the museum.


----------


The samples were ready. The machine was ready. Silver and Sabrina stood before it, at the ready.


"Colress! Are the preparations complete?"


From atop the machine Colress gave a thumbs up.


"Get down from there then! You'll get electrocuted!"


"What?"


"I said get down from there you'll get-"


"I'm down, I'm down," said Colress, suddenly right next to Silver, "no need to shout."


Silver merely stared and shook his head.

~Well this is the last situation I thought I'd be in,~ said Sabrina.


"Well creating an ultimate lifeform to serve as a force of good is pretty new I say-" said Silver.


~Not that. Getting neck deep in former Rocket shit.~


"...Oh?"


~Rocket was always interested in my powers. Ever since the Black Fog incident. They offered me a job with them but I refused, and have been keeping my eye on them and their since.~


"Black Fog incident?"


~...Never mind. Let's just get this done.~


The group started making more preparations.


"Colress, release the safety valve!" said Silver. As Colress turned to do so Silver turned to Sabrina with an almost-like-his-father's grin.


"Can you believe it? A second Mewtwo! We'll have achieved this all ourselves!"


Sabrina simply raised an eyebrow as Silver turned to the machine. A manic look appeared in his eye.


"From that fateful day when stinking viscous slime first crawled from the seas and shouted to the cold stars... I am mon! Our greatest dread is our inferiority to the gods... But tonight! We shall hurl the gauntlet of science straight into the face of Arceus themselves!"


The machine activated, started glowing, whirring, churning.


"Tonight! We shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock Groudon! We shall command Zekrom's thunder!"


On cue lightning cracked outside.


"And we shall penetrate the sacred domain of Xerneas himself!"


Something started forming inside the machine.


"Pull the first switch!"


Sabrina pulled it. The machine glowed brighter.


"Second switch!"


Colress pulled that one. Brighter.


"Third switch!"


"Not the third switch..." said Colress.


"Did I stutter?!" said Silver.


Colress and Sabrina pulled it. The machine gave off an ominous glow.


"Give my creation life!"


The thing inside the machine grew, sprouted limbs, a torso, a head. Eventually it stopped. The machine whirred to a pause. Silver pressed his face very close to the thing within.

"Speak to me... Speak to me..."


Nothing. Nothing but the cold, hard glass and the lifeless meat doll inside.


"...Nothing..."


~...Silver, I'm sorry-~


"No no, you're alright... If science teaches us anything, it's to accept our successes and failures with... quiet... dignity and... grace..."


There was a pause before Silver started angrily pounding on the glass, Sabrina and Colress trying to hold him back.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS YOU BASTARD SON OF A BITCH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!"


After a bit he curled up on the floor somberly. "Worthless... you're all worthless..."


~That's a mood,~ said Sabrina.


"Quiet dignity and grace, huh?" said Colress.


---------------


At Viridian City Town Hall a crowd of people and Pokemon had gathered, two people standing in front.


"Now I assure you," said one to the crowd, "this one is different! He's only been back for what, a few days?"


Another man came to face the first two. "He's an Altamura! They're all alike!"


There were yells of assent from the crowd.


"It's in their blood, they can't help it! They say they're working for us... When what they really want is to rule the world!"


More yells.


"Enough!" said the first man."These are very serious charges you're making, in particular because we still have nightmares about the first three times! We haven't heard from the one man most qualified to judge this fairly."


There was a knock at the door.


"Oh! Inspector Looker! Come in!"


Looker entered the room. Notably, he had bags under his eyes, and was tightly clutching a box of tissues.


"Dreadfully sorry, came down with a cold..."


"A what now?"


"A-" he sneezed - "Cold."


"Oh, then go on."


"Well, see, a riot is an ugly thing... Once you get one started, there is little chance of stopping it, minus bloodshed. I think before we go around jailing people we had better-" he sneezed, causing the others to recoil "-make damn sure of our evidence. We need to confirm the fact that Altamura is following in his father's footsteps - I've met him and he doesn't seem like the type."


There was a chorus of "whats" from the crowd, Looker's clogged nasal passages rendered him so illegible. Looker sighed.


"He's probably not following in his father's footsteps."


There were several "ohs" from the crowd.

"I think what is in order is for me to pay a visit to him, have a nice chat, you know?"


There were disgruntled murmurs among the crowd. Looker sighed. This was going to be a long assignment.


----------------


Silver was slouched over the dining room table of the estate, muttering the word "reputation" to himself. Sabrina looked at him and sighed.


~You really shouldn't do this to yourself.~


"I should."


~Could you at least stop thinking about it? My powers keep picking up your angst and it's dragging me down.~


"No."


~At least touch your food.~


Silver leered at the plate of macaroni and cheese in front of him and started aggressively poking it. "There. Now I've touched it. Happy?"


Sabrina just scowled.


"You know, this reminds me of my mother," said Colress. "When these things would happen to her, she'd always know what to say..."


"Like what?" said Silver, a brief glimmer of hope returning to his eyes.


"'Oi, what the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night?! Why don't ya get out of there and give someone else a chance?!'"


Silver and Sabrina stared.


"What? My mother was Galaran."


"No, about the bathroom-" Silver started to say.


"That was the only place I could set up my chemistry set!"


Silver breathed a deep sigh of relief before he started slouching again.


~Don't do that again, unless you want me to beam my mental image straight to everyone else's brains,~ said Sabrina.


"Maybe it's better this way," said Silver, pointedly ignoring them. "The damn thing. Maybe it's better off dead."


----------------


In the deep dark of the basement the being's hand twitched. There was an unearthly moan.



------------

The moan was heard up above.


"Glad you guys like the mac and cheese at least," said Silver.


~Uh, no,~ said Sabrina, ~That was-~


"That sound. You made a sound like it was good. It should be obvious."


"Neither of us made a yummy sound." said Colress.


"But you did," said Silver, "I just heard it."


"Wasn't me!"


"Well if it wasn't either of you what was-"


There was another moan.


~...It's coming from the laboratory,~ said Sabrina.


There was a long pause before everyone jumped from the table and ran.


---------------


The three ran up to the machine, where the new Mewtwo, eyes wide open, was shifting around inside.


"Alive! It's alive!" said Silver.


~She's alive.~ said Sabrina.


"...You can tell?"


~Once you pinpoint the brain patterns behind gender it's pretty easy. And more accurate than... you know.~


"Aha! Stand back then..." said Silver.


He once again got uncomfortably close to the Mewtwo, who stared into his eyes oddly.


"Hello there girl. I'm going to set you free now..."


~Mmmmmmm,~ said the Mewtwo, her moans now more distinctly feminine.

"Is the sedative ready?" said Silver.


Colress held up a rather large syringe and gave a thumbs up.


Silver pressed a button on the machine. The fluid drained, the glass lowered, the tubes connected to the Mewtwo detached, and she wobbly floated out of the device that birthed her.


"Stand... On your feet," said Silver.


The Mewtwo touched down and looked around, then stumbled.


"Now... Walk... You can do it..."


The Mewtwo attempted to alternate between using her feet and hovering. Silver took her arms and attempted to help her along.


"Yes... Good.... Good..."


Suddenly, a spark came off the machinery, and a loose piece of paper caught fire. The Mewtwo's eyes widened and she let out a frenzied psychic moan, attempting to psychically throttle Silver.


"Ack! Quick, give her the-"


The throttling cut him off, resorting to him attempting to pantomime as the Mewtwo tugged him around like a marionette.


"Okay, charades!" said Colress.


Silver started pointing rapidly at the Mewtwo's side.


"Uh, tickling? No, that can't be it... Spinal cord?"


The jabbing continued.


"Oh! The sedative!"


Colress fortunately managed to plunge the syringe into the Mewtwo's backside, knocking her out cold within seconds. Silver gasped and panted upon being freed from the psychic grip, and Sabrina put out the fire.


~Are you okay?~ said Sabrina.


"Yes, yes, absolutely fine, but... Colress? May I speak to you for a moment?"


Colress scooched over to Silver.


"Now that Mew DNA you gave me... Was it that of the Mew Of The Tree Of Beginning?"


Colress shifted nervously. "No."


"Ah, good. And you mind telling me what DNA I did put in?"


"You won't be angry?"


"I will not be angry."


"...Abby-someone."


"Abby someone? Abby who?"


"Abby Normal. A bit of an esoteric Mew specimen apparently."


"Abby Normal."


"I'm almost sure that was the name," Colress said, sweating.


Silver gave a joyless smile and chuckle.


"Are you saying that I put abnormal Mew DNA into a six foot seven, two hundred and sixty nine pound... Demigod?!"


At that last word he stood up and started throttling Colress.


"Is that what you're telling me?!"


Colress started holding up fingers and mimiming two hands moving apart as he was throttled


~Okay, charades,~ said Sabrina. ~V? No, a valley, toss him off a cliff? Oh, wait, separate you two.~


Sabrina was about to separate the two when a loud knocking echoed through the estate. Silver paused and let go of Colress.


"...Who could that be at this hour?"


-------------------


Looker was continuously pounding at the door with what little energy he had.

He really wished he wasn't here right now.


---------------


Silver shook his head. "Sabrina, go see who it is. Colress, make sure the Mewtwo is contained!"


"Alright what are you doing?"


"I'm going to wash up," said Silver, a manic look in his eyes. "I've got to look normal. All of us, have to behave normally!"


He stormed off. Colress just nodded slowly.


----------


Silver and Looker were sitting together, playing New Super Mario Bros. co-op.


"So," said Looker, stomping on a Shroomish in-game, "how's it been since I last saw you?"


Silver paused. Not paused the game, just paused. "Remind me?"


"When you were a child. I was on the trail of your father, and I sought out you."


"Oh, yes, now I remember," said Silver. "It's... been good. I turned my life around, became a Pokemon professor, I have a stable life and income and all that, my Pokemon are faring well..." He sighed.


"That's good to hear!" said Looker. "I've been all over the world, chasing new assignments, coming up with different disguises..." He frowned. "Though, it's not all sunshine and rainbows; I lost my dear Croagunk partner."


"...Oh. Oh." said Silver. "I'm... sorry to hear that."


"I appreciate your sympathy," said Looker.


He thought a bit. "The people of Viridian are concerned about... you being here."


Silver kicked a Torkoal in-game. "Why?"


"They're concerned about the usual. Organized crime and genetic monstrosities,"


Silver scoffed. "Genetic monstrosities are passé, like ghost stories."


"Well see to them it's real," said Looker, sniffing and wiping his nose. "Especially with an Altamura in this house."


"So?"


"I'm not worried, but they're worried about... Things like genes and chromosomes and behavioral similarities. All probably bullshit of course but to them it's-"


Silver twitched. His character fell into a pit and floated back out as a bubble.


"They have nothing to worry about."


"Something upsetting you?"


"No, no, this whole thing is deeply... amusing."


"Very well! I'll go reassure them that you have no interest in the family business! If that's alright with you."


A telepathic voice echoed from the basement.


~Mmmmmm.~


"I'll take that as a yes!" said Looker.


"Mmmmmm," said Silver.


"Very well. Until we meet again," he sneezed, "Silver."


"Same to you."


Looker got up and left. Silver sat there for a moment before turning off the game and taking his own leave.


-------------


In the laboratory, the Mewtwo stirred and moaned in her prison. A figure approached, in awe at the sight of her.


"Oh... Mary, Mary we've done it!"


The figure stroked the glass.


"I'm going to set you free. Would you like that?"


~Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.~


The figure pressed the release button.

"They wanted to hurt you... but I'm going to help you!"


Suddenly Silver, Sabrina, and Colress entered the room. "Thank Lugia that's over with," Silver said. The three froze in shock upon seeing the figure.


"Agatha!" Silver said. More Mudsdale winnies.


"Don't come any closer," said Agatha.


"What are you even doing?" said Silver


"I'm going to set her free!" said Agatha.


~That's a really, really bad idea,~ said Sabrina.


"She'll kill you!" said Silver.


"Not this one!" said Agatha. "She's as gentle as a Mareep."


On cue the Mewtwo emerged from the chamber, an angry glow in her eyes.


"Stand back, she has unstable DNA!" said Silver.


"It's not unstable!" said Agatha. "It's good DNA!"


"It's unstable I tell you!"


The Mewtwo turned her head in Silver's direction, eyes glowing further.


"Ix-nay on the unstableway," said Colress.


"I am not afraid!" said Agatha. "I know what she likes!"


She pulled out a suspiciously familiar violin and started playing. The Mewtwo's eyes stopped glowing, and she adopted a happy expression as she started pawing the air in a cat-like fashion.


"That music..." said Silver.


"Yes!" said Agatha. "It's in your blood! It's in the blood of all Altamuras! It reaches the soul when words are useless! They used to play it to the Mewtwo your father and Fuji were making..."


"Then it was you all the time!" said Silver.


A chord. "Yes!"


"You played that music in the middle of the night!"


Another chord. "Yes!"


"To get us into the laboratory!"


And another. "Yes!"


"And it was you who left out my father and Fuji's book for me to find!"


"Yes!"


"So that I would-"


"YES!"


"And you and my grandmother were-"


"Yes, yes, say it! She was my girlfriend! She's almost as foxy as Oak!"


Sparks flew from an old machine. The Mewtwo panicked, and used a blast of psychic force to break out through multiple layers of ceiling into the cold, stormy night, the lightning only panicking her further.


"You'll never catch her now!" said Agatha. "She's free I tell you! Free!"


"Gone... Gone!" said Silver. "We've got to find her before she kills someone!"


He slumped to his knees.


"What have I done... Oh Lugia what have I done..."


***
 

Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
  1. mew-adam
  2. celebi-shiny
  3. roserade-adam
Ayy, you finally updated. I've been looking forward to this chapter and it didn't really disappoint.

The pacing of this story is a bit fast if im being honest and scenes go by really quick, but I think it works well for the nature and tone you set in this story. Being comedic as it is, having a slower pacing may not work so well.

I must say that I'm surprised Sabrina is on board with what Silver has been doing, but then again she's a bit of an enigma. That plot twist with Agatha at the end was hilarious too. I liked it.
 

Negrek

Play the Rain
Staff
Ah, the secret project appears at last! This is a fun one, and of course perfectly appropriate for the season. I can see why you wanted to keep it under wraps until just the right time. :)

I haven't seen Young Frankenstein, so I'm not totally clear on what elements come from that versus what's your own original work in this story. After you mentioned it, though, it was cute to see the parallel between the fic's title and its inspiration. And of course Mewtwo is the perfect pokémon to use as a stand-in for Frankenstein's monster. The mad scientist thing is honestly a pokémon staple at this point, so there's plenty of ways to integrate it with the Frankenstein (parody) story.

Overall, I think this is maybe the funniest story I've read from you so far. I imagine some of the jokes are from the movie, but I'm sure you've been adding your own, and they've been working quite well so far! I enjoy the persistent mocking of Colress' hairstyle, and probably my favorite part was the bit where Silver has a breakdown after Mewtwo appears to be a failed experiment. Someone driving an object into their leg without noticing it will always make me think of Dr. Horrible, so I wonder whether the spork gag with Silver was one you came up with or if it's from Young Frankenstein and part of a whole movie gag tradition, heh. I think most of the jokes land, although the one with the mudsdale neighing when they hear Agatha's name just seemed kind of weird to me... I'm wondering whether that was a gag from Young Frankenstein that may have worked better as a visual joke.

On, the other hand...

"Well creating an ultimate lifeform to serve as a force of good is pretty new I say-" said Silver.
This strikes me as kind of an amusing parallel to the Mewtwo backstory from "Splice of Life." It's a neat spin on the usual "ultimate weapon" portrayal. However, I don't remember Silver having said anything about wanting to create a force of good earlier, just that he'd "do one better," which could mean a lot of things. I think having him state this as his intent from the get-go would make it more clear why he's so enthusiastic about the idea and why the others go along with it (besides Colress, I assume he'd be happy to go along with any insane plan someone proposed).

In general the character motivations seem kind of difficult to track for me. Like, Sabrina is supposedly there to check out any remaining Rocket paraphernalia, so why is she so into the idea of creating a new Mewtwo? Silver doesn't seem proud of his family's past and actively wants to show that he's not like them, so why is he like, "Genetic experimentation, hell YES"? Again, bringing up from the start that he's specifically trying to make a force for good would help a bit with this, since it makes it clear that he's trying to subvert family expectations. The way he's choosing to do so still makes it a bad idea, but I think it definitely makes more sense that way. I did sometimes get the sense that characters were doing things because that's what the plot demanded rather than because it's what made sense for them to do as people, in particular when people kept popping up to join Silver's part near the beginning. Even in the first scene with Silver, the student deciding to bring up his heritage out of nowhere felt pretty random and more like an excuse to talk about Silver's backstory a bit rather than something that would organically happen.

Overall I feel pretty murky on a few aspects of the Mewtwo plan. Not only why everyone was so enthusiastic about it, but also... What exactly were they planning to do with Mewtwo? They sedate her pretty much immediately, and then they're apparently just leaving her locked up in the lab, which doesn't strike me as consistent with the idea of creating a force for good. Or really anything? I'm not getting why they went to all this trouble to make a new superclone if they were never planning to let it out of the lab or anything. Like, maybe Mewtwo turned out more aggressive they expected or whatever, but there isn't any real indication that they're trying to solve the problem.

Some of that may be due to the nature of this story as kind of homage/crossover--again, I don't know how much of what's going on here is mirroring Young Frankenstein. One thing that I imagine comes from that source that I think works well is the overall cheesy "horror parody" feel: the creepy manor, crashing thunder, secret staircase and rotating bookcase gags. The tone of this fic is 100% spot on, and I think it shows off some of your best writing to date. You've really captured the spirit of Young Frankenstein, or at least the spirit of good-natured parody and "spooky" B-movie atmosphere. In particular I think you've done well with the length of your scenes, as well as mixing in more atmosphere/environmental descriptions than you sometimes have in the past. There are fewer ultra-short scenes, and in general they all feel reasonably fleshed out, with a clear purpose. I did think the little two-sentence scene of Looker banging on the door was unnecessary, especially since we're immediately going to find out who's come to visit anyway, but it's definitely the exception. Your scene structure is improving!

All in all this is a really fun story, and congratulations on getting it finished and ready for posting in time for spoop season! I'm guessing the finale will probably drop on Halloween, and I'll have to do my best to check it out before NaNo gets too off the rails.
 
Chapter 3

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa thanks for that review @Negrek ! I realize not everything is necessarily consistent but I had to do my best gluing two totally unrelated stories together. Glad the tone works though. Anyway...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Here's the final installment of these mad science shenanigans. Hope you enjoy.


Chapter 3: Breakaway



The next morning, in a quiet backyard, a young girl was picking flowers, singing quietly to herself. Suddenly a tall shadow loomed over her.


~Mmmmmmm.~


---------------


Within the house the backyard belonged to, a man was boarding up the windows.


"If a monster is loose, the boards have to be tight," he said.


He turned to his wife.


"Good thing you put Sadie to bed."


"But I was ironing clothes!" said the wife. "I asked you to put her to bed!"


The two just kind of. Stared at each other. As people are wont to do when they make a mutual huge mistake.


------


The Mewtwo was now gently picking flowers with the girl, albeit with her psychic powers rather than her fingers. The two started picking petals off and dropping them in a well.


"Now blow a kiss and say bye-bye!" said the girl.

The Mewtwo pantomimed a kiss and dropped a flower stem down the well.


"All gone!" said the girl. "Now what do we throw in?"


The Mewtwo looked at the girl. Then at the well. Then presumably somehow in the direction of this very narrator.


--------------


The wife and husband were now panicking.


"She must have been in the bathroom," said the husband.


"But I didn't look upstairs!" said the wife. "I thought you did!"


"You didn't... look... upstairs..."


The two immediately rushed up.


--------------


The little girl and the Mewtwo were now at a seesaw.


"Sit down!" said the girl, on one end of the seesaw.


The Mewtwo pawed at the seesaw.


"Sit. Down!" said the girl again.


The Mewtwo plonked down onto the seesaw with tremendous force, flinging the girl upward, through an open window, and onto her bed.


Her parents entered the room and gave a mutual sigh of relief.


-----------------


In a small house on Kanto Route 16, a certain Mr. Dazzling was alone, in a corner, pondering.


"A visitor is all I ask... A temporary companion to help me pass a few short hours in my lonely life."


The door was promptly bust down by a certain Mewtwo.

~Aaagh!~


"Oh! Thank you, Mew, thank you!"


He wandered over to the door to greet the Mewtwo.


"What sort of Pokemon are you?" he said. "...I forget. I'm Mr. Dazzling, what's your name?"


~Mmmmmm.~


"I didn't get that."


~Mmmmmmm.~


"Forgive me, I didn't realize you were mute... But how does a nice bowl of soup sound to you?"


~Mmmmmmmmm.~


Mr. Dazzling led the Mewtwo over to a table.


"I know how it feels to be cold and lonely and in need of a helping hand. Here's your soup!"

He poured a ladle of hot soup straight into the Mewtwo's lap, causing her to let out a psychic yell.


"...Whoops," said Mr. Dazzling, "forgot the bowl."


He quickly fetches a bottle of wine, which the Mewtwo was careful to pour herself. As she was about to drink it, however, Mr. Dazzling interrupted her.

"Wait! A toast... To friendship."


The metal cup he was holding instantly shattered the Mewtwo's wine glass upon a forceful toast, causing the Mewtwo to stare in shock.


"Whoopsie. I'll clean that up..."


As he bent over however, he knocked over several candles on the table, causing them to fall right onto Mewtwo. This sent the Mewtwo into a panic, causing her to let out a psychic yell, bust another door down, and flee.


"Wait!" said Mr. Dazzling. "Don't go! I was gonna make espresso!"


----------------


Alone, the Mewtwo wandered the dark streets, letting out psychic moans of discontent. Suddenly, however, she heard music. Familiar music. Sweet, sweet music. She followed it, drifted toward it, until she reached a man in baggy clothing and a hat playing a violin. She drifted idly in front of him, pawing the air, until the man yelled.


"The sedative! Now!"


The Mewtwo was suddenly hit by a psychically-propelled dart. Before she could react, she slumped down with a thud... landing directly on Colress.


"She's out!" said the man, revealing himself to be Silver.


"Oog... Believe me, I can tell," said Colress.


-------


Back in the lab, the Mewtwo was fast asleep in a room. Waiting outside were Silver, Sabrina, Colress, and Agatha.


"What are we going to do?" said Colress.

Silver sighed. "I've got to go in there."


~And get yourself killed?~ said Sabrina.


"Don't you understand?" said Silver with a scowl. "She's afraid. If I can make her less afraid maybe we can get somewhere."


He turned to the others.


"No matter how much I beg and scream, don't let me out of there."


~You mean the old movie cliche that never works?~ said Sabrina,


"...Yes but I mean it." said Silver.


"Good luck dear," said Agatha.


"Nice working with you," said Colress.


Silver entered the room. Agatha locked the door.


Silver approached the sleeping Mewtwo, shaking. He stopped as the Mewtwo's eyes snapped open. He bolted for the door as the Mewtwo's eyes glowed and she sat up with a psychic scream.


"Let me out let me out pretty please with a Cheri Berry on top."


The Mewtwo began floating over her bed, glowing eyes locked on Silver. Silver rattled the doorknob.


"What the hell guys I was being sarcastic earlier of course I don't buy into that cliche now let me the fuck out."


The Mewtwo floated closer. On the other side of the door Colress moved to open it only to be blocked by Agatha. Sabrina had somehow procured a bucket of popcorn.


"Open the motherfucking door or I'll let this Mewtwo explode your brains too!"


The Mewtwo was almost upon him.


"...Damn it."



The Mewtwo loomed above him, eyes like tiny purple suns.


"...Wait." said Silver. "I know why you're mad. I'm sorry."


The Mewtwo's eyes stopped glowing. She gave an inquisitive headtilt.


"We... We didn't treat you right. And... And that's not right because... Because we're like your parents. And I'm like your dad. And I had a shitty dad and I don't want to perpetuate the cycle, you know? So... Yeah. I'm sorry. Sorry for everything."


He sat down and put his head in his hands.


The Mewtwo paused, eyed Silver inquisitively, before letting out a psychic purr and resting her head in Silver's lap. Silver uncovered his face and looked at her in awe.


"I... I did it. I got through to her!"


A strange look crossed his face.


"Heh... I really did show up my old man... I created a beast that can do good!"


~Silver? Silver Altimira are you OK in there?~ said Sabrina.


"It's not Altimira!" said Silver. "It's Altamura!"


-------------


The night after, in a Viridian theatre, a show was about to start. Looker was in the audience, watching, waiting.


Eventually a man with slicked-back hair and a red suit walked up on the stage, to much applause.


"Ladies and gentlemen, nonbinary pals, tonight it is my, Mr. Contesta's, great privilege of introducing to you... A man whose family name was once both famous and infamous! I give you... Dr. Silver Altamura!"


Silver walked onstage. There was no applause.


"My fellow scientists!"


There was a hiss.


"I used to believe in stern scientific rules, much like the rest of you... But I found a way to go further beyond. Me and some associates rediscovered a particular way to reconfigure a Mew's genome."


The crowd gave some hushed gasps and mutters.


"Ladies and gentlemen and nonbinary pals may I present, for your intellectual and philosophical pleasure... Mewtwo TWO!"


The curtains opened and the Mewtwo floated onto the stage. The crowd started panicking.


"Wait, wait!" said Silver. "I've got her under control."


He turned to the Mewtwo. "Walk!"


The Mewtwo landed on the ground and walked forward with her feet. The crowd gasped.


"Now backward!"


The Mewtwo complied.


"As you can see," said Silver. "She's still learning the basics. But once she does..."


Colress came on stage and opened a device that projected a holographic image of the Mewtwo doing various tasks.


"Her phenomenal psychic powers will allow her to do a variety of beneficial tasks."


The hologram switched to the Mewtwo scanning a person's brain.


"Detecting Alzheimer's and tumors..."


The hologram switched to the Mewtwo levitating steel beams as people and Pokemon watched.


"Helping with major construction projects..."


The hologram switched to the Mewtwo evacuating a burning building.


"And search and rescue! And there's doubtlessly countless mo-"


It was then the Mewtwo noticed the fire in the hologram.


She let out a psychic scream and threw an Aura Sphere at the hologram, which sailed onward as it crashed into the back of the theatre. Colress ducked as the crowd started screaming.


"W-wait!" said Silver. "She just needs to be restabilized is a-"


He was knocked down by a Psystrike as the Mewtwo roared telekinetically, hurling blasts of Psychic energy everywhere until a tranq dart hit her and caused her to slump over to the ground, unconscious.


----------


When the Mewtwo came to, she was locked in an Interpol containment unit. She could see people outside, watching warily.


She did nothing. She could do nothing.


-----------


Back at the lab, Silver was moping, as he is wont to do, Sabrina by his side.


"I failed her... Lugia damn it I failed her."


~Maybe you shouldn't have shown her off while she was still unstable.~


"I thought she was stable! But it seems there's only one way to make her so..."


~And that would be?~


"DNA transfusion. If I can transfer the right genes to cope for the damaged Mew DNA... It'd take a dangerous amount of body fluids but it could work."


~But... If I'm reading this right that could kill you. I don't think that's necessary.~


"It's worth the risk."


~Alright, it's just...~ she sighed.

"What is it?"


"You know how I mentioned the Black Fog incident?"


~Yeah?~


~The Black Fog is a notorious killer Haunter. Attacked me when I was a child. Killed some of my Pokemon. I was withdrawn and hostile for years since. Took meeting a much kinder Haunter to snap me out of it. But even since... I don't like losing people. I don't think you're that bad that I'd want to be rid of you forever.~


"I... I see. Thank you. I guess."


~Be careful OK?~


It was then that Agatha entered the room.


"Silver! Your phone is buzzing!"


Silver checked the phone once Agatha handed it to him.


"...Oh shit. Kris is coming any minute!"


-------------


At the door to the estate, Silver, Sabrina, and Colress stood as Kris walked up to them.


"Kris!" said Silver. "You found us!"


"Are you surprised?" said Kris, smirking. "And I see you've made some friends. I recognise Sabrina but who's the other guy?"


"Colress, Pokemon power researcher, at your service!"


"Charmed," said Kris. "What exactly are you guys doing here?"


"Science!" said Colress. "Like we-"


"Yes, science, but only mundane stuff," said Silver. "Can we take your bags?"


~On it,~ said Sabrina. The bags hovered in.


Kris raised an eyebrow and followed them in.


----------------


The Mewtwo was still alone in her containment unit. Quiet. Seething. Until she heard a voice.


"Humans are awful, aren't they?"


The Mewtwo's head cocked, her psychic powers trying to scan for the source of the voice.


"Oh don't worry about me. I'm here to help!"


The containment pod started to open up. The Mewtwo looked around in confusion until the pod fully opened and she could see a strange, lanky human in skimpy clothing with long hair and glowing green eyes.


"Don't mind the disguise, I needed it to get in here. Rest assured I'm not one of them. But hey you're free now!"


The Mewtwo stared at the new visitor oddly.


"In return for me freeing you... Get some revenge on those humans for me, okay? Benefits both me and you."


The Mewtwo clenched her fists.


"Good girl! Now let them have it."


The Mewtwo flew up and busted through the ceiling as her visitor looked on and grinned.


---------------


In Viridian City, a mob was forming. Crowds of people with torches and pitchforks and knives and cattle prods and all that had gathered in front of the town hall, yelling and chanting. Eventually Looker came out to address them.


"Now hold on," said Looker. "Are you all sure this is a good idea?"


Unfortunately he still had a cold.


"What did he say?" said a townsperson.


"I think he said this was a good idea!" said another.


"Alright chums then let's do this!" said a third.


They all stormed off. Looker sighed and headed after.


--------------


Kris and Silver were busy unpacking her bags when Kris checked her phone.


"Oh dear... Apparently there's a second Mewtwo on the loose."


Silver froze.

"Hold on, I'm trying to see who created the thi-"


Silver grabbed the phone.


"I already know, it was a Rocket remnant group."


"...Really?"


"Yeah! One that's really good with genetics!"


Kris rolled her eyes. "Those assholes don't know when to quit."


"Yeah, they sure don't," said Silver, sweating. "Have you noticed it's unusually hot in here?"


"I kinda have actually," said Kris. "I think I'm gonna go on a walk."


"Have fun!" said Silver.


Once Kris left Silver slumped onto a chair and groaned.


---------


Outside the estate, off in the woods, Kris wandered down a path, her Typhlosion at her side. Suddenly the Typhlosion's ears perked up and his back stiffened.


"What is it, Jet?" she said.


Suddenly a chill ran down her own spine as the Mewtwo emerged from the trees.


"Jet! Flamethrower now!"


Jet launched a Flamethrower in the direction of the Mewtwo. It barely phased her as she launched a Psystrike back, slamming Jet into a tree. Jet growled.

"Thunderpunch!" said Kris.


Jet roared and lunged at the Mewtwo with an electrified paw, only to be stopped by a barrier and sent sprawling by an Aura Sphere, unconscious. Kris quickly recalled her.


"Okay, new plan... Raphael, it's on you!"


She sent out a Togekiss, who chirped in shock at the sight of the Mewtwo.


"Hit it into submission! Air Slash!"


Raphael launched a blade of air at the Mewtwo, causing her to flinch and not move.


"Again!"


Raphael did it again, but this time the Mewtwo's eyes glowed and a powerful Psychic blast knocked the Togetic down to earth, unconscious.


"G-Go Slice!"


A Scizor was sent out, who looked at the Mewtwo, then back at Kris, then back at the Mewtwo before giving Kris a "really" look. Kris sighed.


"Only one thing to do... Tactical retreat!"


Kris and Slice ran. The Mewtwo zoomed after... And promptly stopped when music echoed through the air.


"What..."


Slice shrugged.


The Mewtwo drifted in a trance toward the source of the noise. Kris and Slice followed.


-------------------


At the estate, on the rooftop, Silver was playing an electric violin hooked up to some very large loudspeakers, maintained by Colress and watched by Sabrina.


~Are we sure this will work?~ said Sabrina.


"It's worth a shot," said Silver, still playing.


"Look!" said Colress. "She's coming back!"


Indeed the Mewtwo was drifting out of the woods toward them, pawing the air and mewling psychically.


"Yes, that's a girl... Come back, come back..."


The Mewtwo floated over to Silver, looking at him with big wide eyes.


"Yes... Relax..."


The Mewtwo rested her head in her lap and purred.


"We've done i-"


He looked over the balcony to see Kris looking up at him in utter bewilderment.


"...Oh."


--------------


Back in the lab, the Mewtwo was strapped to a table. Colress and Sabrina were making preparations while Kris and Silver were arguing.


"You made this thing?!" said Kris.


"I wanted to use this old science for good! I didn't know it'd turn out like... Like this!"


"You should have!"


"I know!"


"And now what are you doing?"


"Using my body to do a DNA transfer."


"When it could kill you both?"


"Yes."


"Fuck... Silver, what am I going to do with you?"


~I wonder the same thing,~ said Sabrina.


"It's... It's the only way I can save her," said Silver.


"All... Alright," said Kris. "Just... take care."


"I will," said Silver.


"Everything's ready!" said Colress.


Silver sighed and strapped himself into a table next to the Mewtwo, a device connecting both their heads. Colress flipped a switch and electricity started crackling. Silver drifted into unconsciousness.


"Okay, we'll need exactly fifteen minutes," said Colress. "No more, no less."


The trio waited.


"Two minutes."


More waiting.

"30 secon-"


It was then the angry mob burst in the room, yelling and smashing everything they could.


"Wait! No!" said Kris.

~All of you shut up we still need time!~ said Sabrina.


Too late. They had unplugged Silver. They were getting ready to carry him off.


~Put that human down!~ said a feminine voice.


The crowd turned. The Mewtwo rose from her table.

~I said, put that human down.~


The mob did. The Mewtwo floated to her feet, looking down at the crowd. Looker pushed his way through the others.

"What is going on here?" said Looker.


~I am Mewtwo Two. I seek a more befitting name but that is what you can call me for now.~


"I see that," said Looker.


Agatha peeked in the lab to look on.


~As long as I can remember, humans have hated me,~ said Mewtwo Two. ~They looked at my face and body and ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my dearest hope, I would instead cause fear.~


She looked at the unconscious Silver affectionately.


~And yet I live because this poor half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger he used his own body as a sacrifice to give me more stable DNA and a more stable mind.~

"Well then!" said Looker. "It seems like you won't be a problem for these folks. Good to know you're a friendly sort."


Looker offered a handshake. Mewtwo Two returned it in kind. The crowd cheered. Agatha wiped away tears. "Oh Mary Louise..."


~Thank you,~ said Mewtwo Two.


"You are entirely welcome," said Looker.


He looked to Silver. "What about him?"


It was that moment that Silver started opening his eyes. "Trashy... Man... Huh?" he opened his eyes fully. "...Did... Did we do it?"


~Yes,~ said Sabrina. ~We did.~


Silver staggered to his feet, having to be supported by Colress, and looked up at Mewtwo Two. "How are you doing?"


Mewtwo Two smiled. ~Very well. Thanks dad.~

Silver smiled back.


***


Epilogue


Kris gazed over the bow of the cruise ship she was on, her Typhlosion looking out with her over the waves. Soon Sabrina, and Colress joined her.


"Glad you guys could join me for this vacation."


~Trust me we needed it after all that,~ said Sabrina.


"The fun doesn't stop for me!" said Colress. "After this I'm heading to Alola! Designed a labcoat for the hot weather even. I've got a big client there too..."


"Sounds like fun. I know Red and his buddy Blue started a thing in Alola."


She frowned.


"Too bad Silver couldn't come... He said he had something to take care of."


--------------


Blaine and Mewtwo One were standing together on the beach south of Fuschia, waiting. It was then Silver and Mewtwo Two arrived and Mewtwo One's eyes widened in shock.


"Uh, hey! Mewtwo One, I know you're just back from Rhyme City and Ferrum and all that but... you have a sister! Or niece. I dunno."


The two Mewtwo looked at each other, touched hands, sized each other up, then locked eyes and stared at each other in complete silence.


"...What are they doing?" said Silver.


"Having a mental conversation!" said Blaine. "It's a common Psychic-type thing."


"Er yeah, right." said Silver. "But I thought it'd be good for them to meet."


"You thought right kid," said Blane.


He raised an eyebrow at Silver. "Say, you said you did a DNA transfer to stabilize her. Any side effects?

"Well. aside from the empathic connection," said Silver, "a weird draw to certain types of music and also... Pyrophobia."


It was at that point Blaine's Rapidash popped out of one of Blaine's Pokeballs and gave a neigh of greeting at Silver. At the sight of the Rapidash's fiery mane Silver screamed and ran off. Blaine just laughed.


-------------


In a dark cave - though not THE Dark Cave, something squirmed.


"Me damn it! It didn't work! But I have plans, other plans... I just need to pull all the right strings... Those two Mewtwo can still be of use."


-----------------------

Agatha was relaxing with a cup of tea when there was a knock at the door. She got up to open it and gasped at the person on the other side.


"Mary Lou!"


"Please, call me Madame Boss, we're professionals. I heard my brat grandson finally did it."


"He did! And I helped."


"That's my girl."


Madame Boss leaned over and kissed Agatha. Agatha swooned.


The End

Whew! This whole shebang has been a long time in the making. I originally conceived of this story a few years ago brainstorming how I could justify the existence of the infamous "femtwo" from the 16th Pokemon movie and some way, somehow, Young Frankenstein got thrown into the mix. I knew I had to do it on Halloween, but it took a while because I needed Splice Of Life to happen first and after that I needed a good block of time to just... write this ahead of time. But I did, and now it's all out in the wild.

...Which means I get to move on to another project. It's a bit of a silly symphony with a bit of mystery to it if I do say so myself. You'll see it tomorrow.
 
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kintsugi

golden scars | pfp by sun
Location
the warmth of summer in the songs you write
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. silvally-grass
  2. lapras
  3. golurk
  4. booper-kintsugi
  5. meloetta-kint-muse
  6. meloetta-kint-dancer
  7. murkrow
  8. yveltal
hey it's me again. dropping a review on all three parts at once, but some of my notes in chapter 1 are old and existed from before chapter three came out, so there's a few crossed wires/missed foreshadowing here. That being said, although you split things into three sections, I actually really enjoyed reading this all at once from beginning to end -- I'm not sure how the experience would've been different reading each chapter two weeks apart, but for me it flowed really well as a single narrative because each chapter is really just a snippet of the big narrative rather than a having a fully-contained story in each update

The man's eye twitched. "It's Alti-mira. And call me Silver."
Yes and I'm Clark Kint, with no relation to Clark Kent and absolutely none to Superman.

"My father was a lunatic, and whatever contribution he made to science was through unwitting pawns. I would never think of repurposing it in my life. Sit down or I'll deduct from your grade for disrupting the class."

Silver did not seem to notice or care he had stabbed himself in the leg with the scalpel.
Okay okay this is going to be especially rich coming from me after all the talks about how you should let your description breathe a bit more, but this laconic bit here is... *chef's kiss*. I think this is a really great example of how and when you should consciously describe the surroundings less to gain a certain effect -- in this case, the barebones detailing of the events lets you drop a lot of shocking information all at once for comedic/dramatic effect, and it's great!

several motions including one suspiciously similar to the thinking emoji
is this what the cool kids are writing with instead of "he sweatdropped"? god i'm old.

"Ow... Anyway! These responses are controlled by specific parts of this Braixen's brain! So what if we suppressed those?"
oh yeah this is gonna have zero unintended consequences later on.

"See? If you suppress certain parts of the brain or genome or certain other biological functions... everything changes!"
I don't know if saying you need to suppress the genome to limit reflexive responses is the right way to put this -- like unless you're suppressing the literal bits of DNA that let the arms move, but that would almost certainly require more invasive practices than a headset. I think you're closer when you say suppress certain parts of the brain most sci-fi movies just say you're neutralizing brainwaves or w/e... all this to say that Silver's lecture is really unhelpful since it doesn't explain how any of this works. 10/10 realistic lecture.

"It's Dr. Fuj- er, Ijuf, at your service."
*sighs, tries to find a better shitty codename than Clark Kint, fails*
I really like this line though -- it ridiculous and silly and reminds me of Austin Powers or something in how seriously we're supposed to take the antagonistic subplot or whatever is going on in the background here. EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS COMEDICALLY DUMB AND I LOVE IT.

His gaze then diverted to the large blue... cowlick? Extending from the rest of Colress' hair.

"You know, I had a stint as a tailor... I could probably take care of that swirl for you."
Tailor? Did you mean barber or is the joke that neither of them are good at fashion? Also, I love the idea of Colress actually having that hairstyle in a professional setting and trying to be taken seriously.

The auric spectrum was a well-documented phenomenon, there is no harm being caused to his brain by this woman poking at his though-
weird flip to present tense here, and that hyphen at the end should be an em dash (—) since it's an interruptor. Otherwise your grammar is solid though! The telepathy bits were a bit jarring at first since Silver's thoughts are rendered in the same fashion as the regular narration -- i.e. "Silver turned white" and "I intend nothing of the sort" are indistinguishable.

you're the Sabrina? Saffron City gym leader?
You're Sabrina? The Pokestars celebrity?"
I feel like there's a hidden joke here but I don't quite know it. What is Pokestars?

~I dig the aesthetic.~ said Sabrina.
afaik there's no grammatical conventions for tildes so technically this isn't even wrong (?), but I would assume that you'd treat them like quotation marks and should ditch the period after "aesthetic" for a comma.

How We Did It, by Dr. Fuji and Giovanni Altamura
academic titles are stupid ok. writing real abstracts is for CHUMPS who have ETHICAL COMMITTEES and OVERSIGHT instead of the MAFIA and this HORSE MADE OF FIRE

It was dark, and stormy and a night. Colress had already made his way into the Pewter Museum and was headed for the back rooms.
Breaking News, entirety of Kanto has been plagued with a ceaseless rainstorm that stretches five hundred miles and hasn't stopped for at least three dark and stormy nights! And here's Gene with sports.

"Black Fog incident?"
Given the nature of this fic this might be a reference to something else, but as an outside reader I feel like this whole aside was a bit... extra? I don't really think it added much to what's otherwise a pretty streamlined narrative.

We shall mock Groudon!
why Groudon? Xerneas and Zekrom make sense, but it's not like they're making mountains lol.

penetrate the sacred domain of Xerneas himself
every manic speech needs a little extra something... ;)

There was a chorus of "whats" from the crowd, Looker's clogged nasal passages rendered him so illegible.
comma splice, and also you probably mean "inaudible" instead of "illegible"

her moans now more distinctly feminine
okay I think I know what you're going for here, but the phrasing is a bit single-entendre

she wobbly floated out of the device that birthed her.
wobblyly wobbilily? Wobbly is an adjective but I don't think there's an adverbial form. apparently it does and it's abtually "wobblily"

Silver paused. Not paused the game, just paused.
fun bit of wordplay here

The Mewtwo looked at the girl. Then at the well. Then presumably somehow in the direction of this very narrator.
not gonna lie, I fully expected the girl to get yeeted into the well

Me and some associates
reaaally dumb nitpick but I think it'd sound more professional/for public speaking if Silver said "my associates and I"

"You know how I mentioned the Black Fog incident?"
OH. PAYOFFS!!
proof that fanfic should be read all at once

The Mewtwo looked around in confusion until the pod fully opened and she could see a strange, lanky human in skimpy clothing with long hair and glowing green eyes.
This is fem-N-but-a-zoroark and even when you explain who it actually is I will not believe you

I am Mewtwo Two
shoulda gone for Mewtwo Too

Some questions we never answered:
= who was the mysterious figure that egged mewtwo to go on a rampage?
= why did everyone forget kris was in this until the end?
= what did giovanni do in this canon and why does some punkass college student think asking his professor about it is a good call?
= how did colress science anything ever
= why does pewter museum security suck
= why does silver's pattern recognition of "this thing hates fire" suck
= did silver know that describing things as "feminine moans" makes this fic pg-13??
= what is pokestars???

OKAY. BIGGER PICTURE THOUGHTS NOW.

Haven't seen Young Frankenstein so I can't comment too deeply on how much inpsiration is drawn scene-by-scene or whatever. There were a few bits, though, where this does feel like it's written more as a visual work -- this really came up during your scene spacing:
In the deep dark of the basement the being's hand twitched. There was an unearthly moan.
Silver gazed out the window of the airplane in Mistralton as the plane prepared to take off. Many thoughts stewed in his mind. What was the estate like after all these years? Would people remember him? What would they do if they remembered him? His fingers clenched tightly to the seat out of anxiety.

It was enough he didn't notice a tall man in a labcoat board the plane and sit down the way.
In visual mediums, it's easy to have short scenes with quick breaks like this because readers are already used to camera cuts within the scene. In writing it's harder to do that as seamlessly since you don't have the luxury of camera cuts. Sometimes I think it's necessary and works -- the sharp cut here to Mewtwo waking up in the basement is mysterious and useful. For some of the other ones, like Silver on the airplane, I would ask yourself what you think is being added in this scene, and if you need to have a quick cut to an airplane or if the internal conflict could be more neatly packaged in the previous scene.

On the larger scale, though, I think the pacing and structure of this story is really good! Again, haven't seen YF so I don't know how directly things are borrowed, but there's pretty clear arcs for everyone and the flow of the story is really natural. Your cast is just large enough to keep things interesting while moving the story around properly, and you get a really good mix of eclectic personalities -- clearly these people are all batshit.

This genre is absolutely perfect for your style of writing. I think in HAA I got a bit confused since it's equal parts "big dramatic world with high stakes and deep ethical conundrums like racism and genocide" and "funny"; to me it felt like your style was always a little at odds there with the story that you're trying to tell. But here, where the whole thing is pretty much comedy and the science/ethics takes a hard back seat, I think your style/tone really gets a chance to shine!


The original review had a lot more words that didn't really get to the point, so I'll try it with few words instead. For me the real benefits of this setting and how it worked with your style were:
= Low-stakes
= 75% of the cast was in on the joke
= Laconic narration

These three things are actually the same thing, in disguise.

Low-stakes -- technically this could be a really high-stakes story. Mewtwo almost wipes out the world, there's a lot about the ethics of scientific experimentation on living/non-willing creatures, are Pokemon treated like humans??, etc. But I don't think I ever felt like that was the point of what you were trying to tell here. This was a fun romp through a misadventure, all's well that ends well, etc etc.

Cast is in on the joke except silver
"This is... The estate," said Silver. "I remember it a little too well."


"It looks suitably ominous!" said Colress.


~I dig the aesthetic.~ said Sabrina.


"...Okay, neither of you get it, let's just go in."
Yuh. Like the above, we *could* have a long brooding scene about how Silver's trying to rise above his father's legacy, how this ultimately means he fails the temptation of doing so, whatever... but no one else in this story cares. Which, again, really works here because that isn't the point of this story. And this ties in well to your narrative style, which is pretty distanced from character's emotional struggles.

Laconic Narration -- ironically my one hangup on HAA is where you absolutely nail it here.
The two just kind of. Stared at each other. As people are wont to do when they make a mutual huge mistake.
Like this line made me genuinely laugh out loud here! There are tons of points where this story gets to breathe and have fun and do absolutely stupid shit, because the premise of this story lead scientist Colress does not know the word "abnormal" is already off-the-walls. And it's great! Like here it doesn't really *matter* that I don't know the exact expression on Silver's face when he distractedly stabs himself with a scalpel; the point isn't that he's upset, it's that it's all part of a comedic bit.

All this to say -- for me this feels like an entirely different experience than reading your other work ironically I've proven myself absolutely wrong that week 2 of review blitz wouldn't open up people's horizons, and I think this is my favorite story of yours so far because everything just clicks. I don't think the narrative style exhibited here lends itself well to grand epics with high stakes and super emotional characters who take things seriously (which I think (?) is what HAA is somewhat trying to be), but it's amazing here. *chef's kiss* Excellent, breezy read; I think this is my favorite thing I've read of yours and I'm really glad that I finally got around to it!
 
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Dragonfree

Moderator
Staff
Location
Iceland
Pronouns
she/her/hers
Partners
  1. butterfree
  2. mightyena
  3. charizard
  4. scyther-mia
  5. vulpix
  6. slugma
In the massive estate the thunder and lightning were crackling over. Deep within its confines lay a coffin.
The first sentence seems to make sense at a glance, but only if you could put a comma after "In the massive estate" - that is, if this is mainly a sentence saying "the thunder and lightning were crackling over", and this happens to be happening in the estate. However, "crackling over" isn't actually a phrase to my knowledge, and I suspect instead this is a situation where you could put "that" - "In the massive estate that the thunder and lightning were crackling over". In that case, it's not actually a complete sentence - it doesn't actually say what's happening in the estate. You'd have to restructure this a bit to get it to make sense.

Slowly, trembling hands opened the coffin to reveal a human corpse, clutching tightly to a box.
I think it'd just be "tightly clutching a box"? I don't think you "clutch to" something.

Grammatical niggles aside, though, I think you do a good job of setting the scene with this opening.

The student opened his mouth, went through several motions including one suspiciously similar to the thinking emoji, then sighed, closed his mouth, and sat back down. During the debate Silver did not notice an old man with a box enter the room.
The kind of fourth-wall-breaking nature of referencing the thinking emoji might put some off, but I for one love that sentence.

Bringing up the old man entering the room here, though, and Silver not noticing it, seems unnecessary - it's completely unconnected to the first sentence of this paragraph. I would suggest a paragraph break, but the old man with the box isn't about to become relevant either, so I'd probably rather suggest you don't reference him at all here and just describe him when he comes up later as "an old man who had earlier snuck into the room without Silver noticing" or something like that. Presumably you wrote this sentence here because in the movie there's a shot of the man entering at this point, but in a written story you can't quite randomly cut to something like that for a sentence.

"Full disclaimer," said Silver, "I have never worked with this Pokemon before and probably wouldn't attempt it on one of my own. I don't really care."
Bwahaha.

"It's Dr. Fuj- er, Ijuf, at your service."
Subtle.

The two eventually got to a bus stop, waiting patiently in the fog for the bus to roll up. Eventually it did, and Silver and Colress stepped aboard.
You use "eventually" twice here in two sentences.

The auric spectrum was a well-documented phenomenon, there is no harm being caused to his brain by this woman poking at his though-
Brief slip into present tense there.

"Oh? You're Sabrina? The Pokestars celebrity?" said Colress
Missing a period at the end here. (I'm amused Colress thinks of her as a movie star first. He's such an absolute doofus in this fic and I love it.)

~Agatha,~ said Sabrina, being very careful not to broadcast her message to the Mudsdale, ~Are things... all right?~
Love this - I remember the horse gag from the movie, but rather than just obligatorily repeating it, you're playing with it a bit given the way your setup is different (here, having a telepathic character).

Silver did not like the way she said "my dear", or the longing look in her eyes when she said "my dear", or that she had said "my dear" at all
A fun way to convey what I assume was originally a visual/delivery gag in narration!

Inside the estate, it was about as lavish as you'd expect a damn rich person's home to be. Fancy chandeliers, paintings all over the walls, and lit candles, among other things, decorated the entire place.
This description could be more effective, I think; in particular, the "among other things" is kind of weak, since it literally doesn't tell us anything at all.

"These formulas and methods and hypothesis... They all seem like the ramblings of a madman to an outside observer but if you dissect them carefully they're almost genius..."


He gave a manic grin, a dangerous light in his eyes.


"I see how it all happened... And how it all failed. Yet I don't want to stop here..."


"...I want to do one better."
I expect this is a direct quote from the movie; I seem to remember something like it. It feels a bit abrupt, I think, for Silver to have kind of a sudden mad scientist transformation here - but also, it's going to turn out shortly that the point of this for him was that he thought redoing Mewtwo could actively do some good, and I think it'd significantly improve the coherence of this if this were portrayed more like that and not like he's just randomly caught mad scientist-itis.

This applies doubly because Colress and Sabrina go on to take this completely in stride in the next chapter - well, Colress probably would be all for some mad science, but I'm skeptical about Sabrina, whose whole reason for joining was to investigate whether there was anything nasty left from the Mewtwo project. Surely she wouldn't go "Yeah, sure, let's make another Mewtwo" unless she were actually persuaded that it was a good idea and not simply because Silver wants to, but here there's no explanation for how she got on board, which just feels a bit incongruous.

I don't remember this part of the movie very well, but I think the idea there genuinely was that Frankenstein Jr. just had his father's mad scientist tendencies, whereas here you're overall portraying Silver more sympathetically - so I think it'd probably be appropriate to tweak this moment accordingly.

"If I may chime in?" said Colress, "I have... Connections that can provide us with every bit of Pokemon DNA that isn't Mew's, as well as more modern flash cloning equipment.
Missing a closing quote at the end. (Also, you do this a lot, but when you've got an ellipsis breaking up a sentence, like here with "I have connections", there shouldn't be a capital letter after it! If you trail off at the end of the sentence and then start a new complete sentence afterwards, then capitalize; otherwise not.)

"Really? Colress thank you!"
There should be a comma there after "Colress".

Tree Of Beginning
The "of" shouldn't be capitalized.

"That would be perfect!" said Silver!
Generally you don't put exclamation marks in the narration.

The running gag about Colress's ridiculous hair is fun. I don't remember if that had any kind of counterpart from the movie.

It was dark, and stormy and a night.
Enjoy this twist on the trope.

They offered me a job with them but I refused, and have been keeping my eye on them and their since.
I think you're missing a word there.

----------------


In the deep dark of the basement the being's hand twitched. There was an unearthly moan.



------------

The moan was heard up above.
This seems a bit awkward; written out like this, I think you're better off just describing them hearing an unearthly moan from downstairs, rather than shifting POVs for that one line.

Looker was continuously pounding at the door with what little energy he had.

He really wished he wasn't here right now.
Kind of similarly, I don't really think this brief flash of Looker's POV is contributing much here.

"Alright what are you doing?"
You need at least a comma after that "alright".

Silver paused. Not paused the game, just paused.
Pfft.

I'm not sure if Looker's dead Croagunk partner is a reference to something in the movie, something in some form of canon, or if it's something like a Yangverse detail. It feels a little incongruous here in the middle of a humour fic.

"They're concerned about the usual. Organized crime and genetic monstrosities,"
Got a comma at the end of this dialogue but no dialogue tag to go with it.

"Well see to them it's real," said Looker, sniffing and wiping his nose.
This is actually a little hard to parse without commas: "Well, see, to them it's real."

More Mudsdale winnies.
Should be "whinnies".

She pulled out a suspiciously familiar violin and started playing. The Mewtwo's eyes stopped glowing, and she adopted a happy expression as she started pawing the air in a cat-like fashion.
That's adorable.

The phrasing here feels a little stiff, though - "adopted a happy expression" aand "in a cat-like fashion" seem somewhat excessively formal, especially when you're describing something that's cute and silly.

"And you and my grandmother were-"


"Yes, yes, say it! She was my girlfriend! She's almost as foxy as Oak!"
I enjoy this a lot, both Agatha just being very bi and her feeling the need to bring up Oak's foxiness too and the fact this whole over-the-top sequence of reveals ends in this.

Sparks flew from an old machine.
What old machine? It feels a little odd to just bring one up like this out of nowhere. Just something like "an old machine in the corner", placing it within the scene, would help.

"All gone!" said the girl. "Now what do we throw in?"


The Mewtwo looked at the girl. Then at the well. Then presumably somehow in the direction of this very narrator.
This reads a little funny to me here because it reads as a joke about Mewtwo being about to throw the girl in the well, but given Mewtwo clearly isn't about to do that and the real joke with Mewtwo most of the time here is that she's actually a cinnamon roll who's just afraid of fire, I'm not sure why Mewtwo's actually looking at the girl and then the well and then the narrator - like, if this were the joke you'd think, it'd be indicating what Mewtwo's thinking, but here that's not in fact what Mewtwo is thinking, so why is she looking at the girl and the well and the narrator?

The Mewtwo plonked down onto the seesaw with tremendous force, flinging the girl upward, through an open window, and onto her bed.


Her parents entered the room and gave a mutual sigh of relief.
Cute comic image.

He quickly fetches a bottle of wine
*fetched.

Mr. Dazzling is very pure. I forget if this is based directly on something from the movie or not, but it's good.

I'm surprised Silver can play the violin and it hasn't come up, though this might also be from the movie - first you establish it with Agatha playing it, so I assumed it'd have to be her.

"Don't you understand?" said Silver with a scowl. "She's afraid. If I can make her less afraid maybe we can get somewhere."


He turned to the others.


"No matter how much I beg and scream, don't let me out of there."


~You mean the old movie cliche that never works?~ said Sabrina,


"...Yes but I mean it." said Silver.
I'm amused by the lampshade, but I'm a little confused - how does he think it will help for him to be unable to come out? How would that make her less afraid?

The Mewtwo began floating over her bed, glowing eyes locked on Silver. Silver rattled the doorknob.


"What the hell guys I was being sarcastic earlier of course I don't buy into that cliche now let me the fuck out."


The Mewtwo floated closer. On the other side of the door Colress moved to open it only to be blocked by Agatha. Sabrina had somehow procured a bucket of popcorn.


"Open the motherfucking door or I'll let this Mewtwo explode your brains too!"
This bit is fun, though! I enjoy how the lack of punctuation in Silver's line there is clearly deliberate and conveying how insincere he sounds, and Sabrina magically obtaining popcorn. Also I'm enjoying Silver's sweary distress

"...Wait." said Silver. "I know why you're mad. I'm sorry."


The Mewtwo's eyes stopped glowing. She gave an inquisitive headtilt.


"We... We didn't treat you right. And... And that's not right because... Because we're like your parents. And I'm like your dad. And I had a shitty dad and I don't want to perpetuate the cycle, you know? So... Yeah. I'm sorry. Sorry for everything."
I also like this realization a lot and the way it ties back to Silver's issues with his dad, though it's a little abrupt. I don't remember if the movie had the same reasoning, but even if it did I think it's stronger here because we've got a much better idea of the history here and just how shitty Giovanni was.

It's also fun how realizing he's done better than his dad makes him okay with carrying his name - because he's now the greater Altamura. Silver's character arc isn't the focus here but you do a nice job on it (aside from the weird mad scientist-itis bit).

The Mewtwo paused, eyed Silver inquisitively, before letting out a psychic purr and resting her head in Silver's lap. Silver uncovered his face and looked at her in awe.
also KITTY MEWTWO

"Ladies and gentlemen and nonbinary pals may I present, for your intellectual and philosophical pleasure... Mewtwo TWO!"
oh no

When the Mewtwo came to, she was locked in an Interpol containment unit. She could see people outside, watching warily.


She did nothing. She could do nothing.
This very short scene works, I think; I think it drives home the point about how Mewtwo was trying to do all these things previously but this time she can't.

~The Black Fog is a notorious killer Haunter. Attacked me when I was a child. Killed some of my Pokemon. I was withdrawn and hostile for years since. Took meeting a much kinder Haunter to snap me out of it. But even since... I don't like losing people. I don't think you're that bad that I'd want to be rid of you forever.~
Aww, that's sweet in its own Sabrina sort of way. (I also enjoy the anime reference.)

"Science!" said Colress. "Like we-"


"Yes, science, but only mundane stuff," said Silver. "Can we take your bags?"
I like Silver cutting off Colress there. No mad science here, nope!

The Mewtwo was still alone in her containment unit. Quiet. Seething. Until she heard a voice.


"Humans are awful, aren't they?"


The Mewtwo's head cocked, her psychic powers trying to scan for the source of the voice.


"Oh don't worry about me. I'm here to help!"


The containment pod started to open up. The Mewtwo looked around in confusion until the pod fully opened and she could see a strange, lanky human in skimpy clothing with long hair and glowing green eyes.
OH NO I wasn't expecting them here

I like the first line there a lot.

In Viridian City, a mob was forming. Crowds of people with torches and pitchforks and knives and cattle prods and all that had gathered in front of the town hall, yelling and chanting. Eventually Looker came out to address them.
I think your casual narration generally works quite well here, but the "and all that" is a bit much.

"Now hold on," said Looker. "Are you all sure this is a good idea?"


Unfortunately he still had a cold.


"What did he say?" said a townsperson.


"I think he said this was a good idea!" said another.


"Alright chums then let's do this!" said a third.
Pffft.

Silver trying to keep Kris from learning he created the new Mewtwo is fun.

Outside the estate, off in the woods, Kris wandered down a path, her Typhlosion at her side. Suddenly the Typhlosion's ears perked up and his back stiffened.


"What is it, Jet?" she said.


Suddenly a chill ran down her own spine as the Mewtwo emerged from the trees.
Two sentences of narration in a row start with "Suddenly", which is a bit jarring. I think a bit more close description of this would probably help convey it better without that word.

It barely phased her as she launched a Psystrike back, slamming Jet into a tree.
Should be fazed; phased is a different word.

Is Raphael a Togekiss or a Togetic? You call him first one, then the other.

"G-Go Slice!"


A Scizor was sent out, who looked at the Mewtwo, then back at Kris, then back at the Mewtwo before giving Kris a "really" look. Kris sighed.


"Only one thing to do... Tactical retreat!"
Probably a wise decision. :P Although I'm surprised she didn't send out her Scizor, the one with an actual type advantage, before she sent out Raphael.

~As long as I can remember, humans have hated me,~ said Mewtwo Two. ~They looked at my face and body and ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my dearest hope, I would instead cause fear.~
That doesn't actually match her experiences, though! Multiple people were kind and trying to befriend her until she got spooked and ran off.

I think it feels a little off how you explicitly say that they need exactly thirty minutes for the stablization process, only for it to turn out the timing doesn't work right and then it just works fine anyway and it's never mentioned again. Maybe this is straight from the movie?

Mewtwo Two smiled. ~Very well. Thanks dad.~
Dad should be capitalized when used as if it were a name, and there should be a comma before it.

Soon Sabrina, and Colress joined her.
This comma doesn't belong, on the other hand; you don't use an Oxford comma with only two items.

~Trust me we needed it after all that,~ said Sabrina.
And since I'm commenting on commas, there should also be one after "Trust me".

Mewtwo One, I know you're just back from Rhyme City and Ferrum and all that but...
Assuming you're referring to the city in Detective Pikachu, that's Ryme City.

He raised an eyebrow at Silver. "Say, you said you did a DNA transfer to stabilize her. Any side effects?

"Well. aside from the empathic connection," said Silver, "a weird draw to certain types of music and also... Pyrophobia."


It was at that point Blaine's Rapidash popped out of one of Blaine's Pokeballs and gave a neigh of greeting at Silver. At the sight of the Rapidash's fiery mane Silver screamed and ran off. Blaine just laughed.
Ahaha. Buuut... Mewtwo Two was afraid of fire even before the stabilizing DNA transfer, so it seems a bit weird to describe it as a side-effect of that. Presumably it still came from her being made partly from Silver, but that's not the stabilizing part.

In general Mewtwo One and Two meeting is sweet! I hope they become buds.

In a dark cave - though not THE Dark Cave, something squirmed.


"Me damn it! It didn't work! But I have plans, other plans... I just need to pull all the right strings... Those two Mewtwo can still be of use."
With an insertion like "though not THE Dark Cave" here, you'll want to put the same punctuation on both sides of it.

Either way, sequel hook! Or later Yangverse hook, more like.

Agatha was relaxing with a cup of tea when there was a knock at the door. She got up to open it and gasped at the person on the other side.


"Mary Lou!"


"Please, call me Madame Boss, we're professionals. I heard my brat grandson finally did it."


"He did! And I helped."


"That's my girl."


Madame Boss leaned over and kissed Agatha. Agatha swooned.
I love this ending after all the setup about Agatha's relationship with her, and the reversal of the usual "Please, call me [more casual name]." This may be one of my favorite bits. Actually a lot of my favorite bits involve Agatha.

This fic was a lot of fun! Your usual style lends itself well to comedy, and you're good with comic timing and fun back-and-forth dialogue and amusing brief narrative commentary. I also enjoy how even within that silly framework you let Silver have a bit of a character arc about overcoming his complicated feelings about his dad, and Sabrina and Colress are both just fun here, and you make Mewtwo Two very cute and endearing, and I'm entirely too fond of everything you do with Agatha.

The main things holding it back, I think, are actually some of the things that are inherited from the movie - a certain abruptness and bits that are quoted but don't entirely fit within the rest of what you've written here. At least assuming I'm right that these are bits straight out of the movie, I think you probably could have deviated from the source a little more in these cases to make it more coherent within your own, somewhat different take on the story, thinking through what your versions of the characters would really be thinking here.

Also, I kind of wish Kris got more to do here! I enjoy your portrayal of her, but she's only briefly there at the very beginning and then arrives in the third chapter, when I'd nearly forgotten she'd been invited over. It'd be fun if she were at least referenced a bit more.

As usual with the Yangverse there are elements here that aren't fully resolved because they relate to your other stories - primarily Loki's presence. But they're not such a large part of the story here, and I think overall it doesn't really hurt it - it's a really small part of what's going on and works as just a sequel hook rather than feeling like we're missing an important part of the story.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this a lot, and it's a fun way to develop the Yangverse version of the M16 Mewtwo. Looking forward to maybe seeing her again in your future work (and/or this interpretation of Silver, who I just like generally).
 

Chibi Pika

Stay positive
Staff
Location
somewhere in spacetime
Pronouns
they/them
Partners
  1. pikachu-chibi
  2. lugia
  3. palkia
  4. lucario-shiny
  5. incineroar-starr
Welp, it’s been a long time coming, but I’m finally here to check this out! (And I say a long time for anyone else reading this because not only was Halloween several months ago, but also, I was one of the ones who knew about this project during its inception!)

Just a quick disclaimer: I have seen Young Frankenstein, but only once, and it was like, at least six years ago, which is probably ideal since I’m familiar with the setup, but the jokes will feel new (I do have a vivid memory of The Soup Scene though, because that was just gold.)

So after finally reading this, I can’t believe it never occurred to me how perfectly Silver fits this role. He is absolutely the sort to be angry and dramatic and also desperate to escape from his father’s shadow and constantly compared to his father at the same time. There were a few times where his dialogue maybe slipped a bit too hard into mad science, but overall my favorite moments were the ones that focused on his feelings toward his father’s legacy, and how he could escape from that by taking something his father did and making it better.

Colress, on the other hand, perfectly fits the mad science role, and I had no trouble seeing him as the sort to go along with this enthusiastically. I was very curious how you’d bring Sabrina into this, and I think the angle to have her investigating the place for Rocket business was a good idea (plus her deadpan humor was fun.) I would’ve liked to see her a lot more skeptical of Silver’s plan though, maybe only getting involved so she could keep an eye on things when they went wrong (because of course they would go wrong.)

There’s a ton of details I love about how you went about adapting this. From Mr. Dazzling taking the role of the blind man in the Soup Scene, to Looker constantly having to calm down the angry mob, to Mewtwo being Very Cat, and last but certainly not least, Bi Disaster Agatha pulling the strings to get Silver to follow this path in the first place, all to impress Madame Boss. Amazing.

Quotes and such~
The student opened his mouth, went through several motions including one suspiciously similar to the thinking emoji, then sighed, closed his mouth, and sat back down. During the debate Silver did not notice an old man with a box enter the room.
I can already tell the narration for this is going to be as hilarious as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Plasbad.
"Silver! Hey! Nice hearing from you!"

"I know, Kris, I know... I've been caught up in work for the university."
I like how he immediately jumps into being defensive here while she’s just happy to hear from him.
Colress beamed, specifically in a fashion which did not give Silver much confidence his act of kindness was a good idea.
See, this is a perfect example of why Colress is perfect for this role. He’s perfectly friendly, but his enthusiasm still makes you feel like you’re in danger anyway. xD
With that, they made their way up the trail, passing through dark trees with wild Pokemon making eerie noises within - for ambience, obviously.
These little asides from the narration are gold.
How We Did It, by Dr. Fuji and Giovanni Altamura

"...My father and his colleagues weren't ones for subtlety."
Bwaha
"Some of our own, for starters, human DNA was a vital ingredient in the original Mewtwo project... Then we need Alakazam DNA, Lucario DNA, Mismagius DNA, all sorts of others... And last but certainly not least, Mew DNA."
Ah, I’m curious how you settled on these species for the formula.
He reached out to take it, but a bolt of lightning hit very close to the museum at that instant, startling him and causing him to drop the sample, splattering it all over the floor. In a panic he looked around, spotting a sample labeled "Abnormal Mew DNA" - well it was still Mew DNA and he didn't see any more, so it'd have to do. He grabbed the sample and spirited it out of the museum.
Oh no. I’d forgotten about this part in the movie. Yeah, this works pretty well for explaining how the Mewtwo project manages to go wrong twice. :p
~Could you at least stop thinking about it? My powers keep picking up your angst and it's dragging me down.~
This is probably one of my favorite Sabrina moments
"Are you saying that I put abnormal Mew DNA into a six foot seven, two hundred and sixty nine pound... Demigod?!"
I know this conversation is pretty similar to the movie, but I just have to call out how amazing this is.
The two just kind of. Stared at each other. As people are wont to do when they make a mutual huge mistake.
See this is both hilarious and also manages to convey the perfect mental image for this beat in a way that a more standard description could only dream of.
The Mewtwo looked at the girl. Then at the well. Then presumably somehow in the direction of this very narrator.
I can’t--
A Scizor was sent out, who looked at the Mewtwo, then back at Kris, then back at the Mewtwo before giving Kris a "really" look. Kris sighed.
I really need to just stop quoting every line that made me laugh out loud but it’s hard
"Well. aside from the empathic connection," said Silver, "a weird draw to certain types of music and also... Pyrophobia."

It was at that point Blaine's Rapidash popped out of one of Blaine's Pokeballs and gave a neigh of greeting at Silver. At the sight of the Rapidash's fiery mane Silver screamed and ran off. Blaine just laughed.
Aha, I was wondering how you’d adapt this gag, given the… *cough* nature of the original. While I suppose the obvious would have been him receiving some form of psychic affinity from Mewtwo, having him get something less desirable definitely makes for a funnier moment. ;P
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Here are my thoughts after reading all three parts:

First, this is a fun crossover idea that makes a lot of thematic sense. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to bring a little levity to the conversation about Mewtwo. I most recently watched Young Frankenstein the musical, not the movie, so I might be missing or misremembering some of the beats, but we’ll see what I can do.

Overall, I think the first segment is the strongest. The other two felt a little rushed. They also felt less balanced between the two fandoms, heavily favoring YF.

In many places the rhythm of the humor felt right, but the joke itself didn’t land for me because it didn’t have the same effect here at is did in Young Frankenstein. YF uses a lot of visual humor and puns that just don’t exist in this context. Agatha and the horses – this felt like a missed opportunity to integrate Agatha’s ghosts! Since the horse gag in YF is just meant to poke fun at horror movie villain tropes, why not poke fun at them in a way that makes sense for this character? You could have her shadow winking at Silver or ghosts carrying some of that milk/water/ovaltine to him only to, blink, JK she was just handing him a cup why was he being so skittish? Similarly the Altimura/Altamura gag doesn’t land because it doesn’t have the immediate familiarity and stigma that Frankenstein does. I wonder if it would be better to treat Giovanni like the last name (it’s Geov’ny, not Giovanni!), even though Silver Giovanni wouldn’t be my first pick for a character name. I’m also surprised at the absence of Mew puns! Silver is going to get a mew lease on life – I mean a *new* lease!

For me, the joke that worked the best was the moment with Looker saying it was a bad idea…and the mob mishearing and going forward. I also liked the teeter-totter moment – was that in YF? I don’t remember it.

The character motivations could use more fleshing out. YF gets to use visual cues and tone of voice (or, in the case of the musical, song!) to tell us a lot about character, but those things are missing here. What you do have access to and could absolutely use more are flashback and internal monologue. How great would it be to see a flashback of young Silver being ignored by his father, or adolescent Silver being teased about whether he was one of his father’s experiments. Sabrina and Colress start out with agendas of their own…only to let Silver’s pursuits totally take them over. Sabrina in particular seems like she should resist the experiment, since her stated goal was to make sure there was nothing nasty still in the estate.

Other notes and observations:

In the first scene I have a couple complaints:

1) Why jump from studying an altaria brain to observing the behavior of a braxien? They seem like they would have pretty different structures even if you’re just thinking of them as a bird and a fox, let alone when you consider typings and other weird elemental stuff.

2) Why the focus on brain structure and not genes? The brains seem heavily borrowed from YF, but don’t fit the actual experiment Silver carries out or the broader theme of following in his father’s footsteps. (Is it his genes that compel him to follow in his father’s footsteps or something else?)

3) Why is he holding a scalpel in the first place?

4) Couldn’t that student pull him aside after class? I also think that the question feels more like it’s for the audience’s benefit than something the student would genuinely ask – if it’s known that he’s Giovanni’s son, that would probably naturally draw in students hoping to learn about Mewto. Maybe the problem is more that they’re disappointed about the lack of Mewtwo content in the course!

Colress – Feels odd to switch from calling it a cowlick to then “his swirl.” I’d call it a cowlick all throughout, and I also feel like you could further exaggerate the initial description of it. You could also play with the weirdness of the lab coat. I don’t know anyone who would willingly wear a lab coat outside of the lab, and it almost certainly says something about Colress’s earnestness and eccentricity that he chooses to. Instead of him simply not having planned where to stay, you might instead let Silver overhear Colress getting a phone call informing him that his hotel accidentally double-booked the room. (Or that he’s been denied a room because the staff has just learned of his reputation!) And maybe he would offer to help Silver with his projects, to repay him for his generosity, giving Silver the chance to refute wanting projects.

Sabrina – if she’s in his mind, why not simply read his mind to learn where the estate is and follow him there? Then you could have a scene with them running into each other in a dark hallway – gasp! Maybe Silver’s gengar (or Agatha’s) is required to thwart her. I also feel like she could easily evaluate his intentions since she’s already reading his mind.

I imagine that it would be uncomfortable for Silver to stay in hi grandfather’s room. Isn’t this a big house full of many rooms?

[reverse engineer the Mewtwo project for good]
This wording sounds less like “for a good purpose” and more like “once and for all.” I’m also not seeing how Silver intended to use Mewtwo for good until the scene where he talks about gene therapy, which happens much later. Would be helpful to see him talk about those things earlier – ideally when he makes the jump from resisting to joining his father’s legacy.

Little girl at the well – as much as I liked the teeter totter, the well scene transition was odd. I think the idea was that we would worry we, the audience, would be yeeted into the well in her place? But the story continued so clearly we didn’t, leaving the sense that she would instead be pushed in… When she reappeared for the teeter totter I was startled.

The mob could’ve done with some fleshing out. In their final scene in particular, they entered so abruptly and without much of the action being clear. Spending more time in that scene would make them feel more like a threat.

Loved Agatha as bi grandma here.

This is a fun idea for a Halloween piece. Nice timing. :)
 

Starlight Aurate

Ad Jesum per Mariam | pfp by kintsugi
Location
Route 123
Partners
  1. mightyena
  2. psyduck
Hello hello! Sorry for my delay in getting this review to you; I've had limited access to internet for the past few days. But I'm so happy that I got to review yours, because I love Young Frankenstein and all things having to do with Halloween (provided they're not too creepy/gory)! Let's get in to it.

Silver did not seem to notice or care he had stabbed himself in the leg with the scalpel.
OUCH! Not noticing or caring?! Has Silver become some sort of psychopath or masochist? Or perhaps this is a bit of comedy--I haven't gotten far enough into it to see what direction you're taking with this yet.

"It's Dr. Fuj- er, Ijuf, at your service."
This made me laugh. I love poor aliases as cover-ups.

"Problem is I don't know where to start... Also I don't have a place to stay."


Silver sighed.


"Here's the deal. Since you're a fellow scientist, you can stick with me until you find a place to stay. But don't make my time any harder."
I like this exchange--it shows that Colress is up to something (and not super great at covering it up) and it shows us Silver's personality: willing to help out other scientists but NOT happy about it :P

His gaze then diverted to the large blue... cowlick? Extending from the rest of Colress' hair.
Nice to see you pointed that out. The guy would look normal if it wasn't for that thing.

"You know, I had a stint as a tailor... I could probably take care of that swirl for you."


"What swirl?"


There was a long, uncomfortable pause.


"...Never mind. Let's get going."


Silver set off, Colress trailing after.
Ahahahaha I love this reference. "What hump?" .... "Never mind."

Nearby several Mudsdale neighed in fear at the name.
Hahaha and so begins a great running gag.

"No... I'm not like them... I can't... I'm a scientist, I don't believe in fate... no, I can't say it, I can't-"


He started singing. "Destiny! Destiny! No escaping that for me! Destin-"
While I can clearly picture the exact scene you're borrowing from, I think perhaps adding something a bit more in between these two lines would help. Even drawing attention to how suddenly he went from mumbling and tossing in his sleep to outright SINGING and how jarring it is would give something more for people unfamiliar with Young Frankenstein.

Silver stopped and stared at Colress, specifically at his swirl. "Wasn't that twisting in the other direction before?"
I'm enjoying these jokes way more than I should.

I like how you transferred Super Mario Bros to having Pokemon instead of the weird little creatures. It was a nice touch. And in general, the scene between Looker and Silver playing together is cute. The tone is markedly different from the preceding story; perhaps because Looker mentioned losing his Croagunk and it wasn't a joke and wasn't laughed off. It really comes across as a nice human interaction between old acquaintances.

I read this as the musical chord "A," (which, given how majors and minors work, is somewhat fitting here!) before I saw the "another chord" later on. Maybe putting a few words before it like, "she struck a chord," so the A isn't capitalized would clear that up.

"Yes, yes, say it! She was my girlfriend! She's almost as foxy as Oak!"
Ewwwwww

Okay! Thoughts overall: I don't have too much to say aside from what other reviewers here have sid. I really, honestly enjoyed this. I thought about only reviewing the first chapter, especially for the sake of time and the fact that I'm LATE for Catnip Circle, but it really hooked me in and I wanted to read the rest of it! The quick pacing and laconic narrative worked really well for it, especially for the large number of rapid-fire gags you put in.

As an homage to Young Frankenstein, I thought that things with the characters worked out rather well. Having Colress as Igor, Agatha (Mudsdale whinnies) as Frau Blucher, and Silver as Frankenstein all went pretty well. I liked that you replaced the ditzy lady whose name I can't remember with the stoic Sabrina and I think that, by removing the romance plotlines, nothing was lost.

On the Pokemon side of things, aside from Mewtwo, any Pokemon only feel incidental. Silver mentions at the beginning that he has Pokemon but we never even see him lift a Pokeball. Sabrina sends out her Alakazam to push open the bookcase and then he's gone. Kris sends out a few Pokemon but they're only to get her away from Mewtwo. I prefer having Pokemon characters play bigger roles, and I think that maybe including them would have made the story feel more Pokemon-centric. Though perhaps I'm just reading too far into this.

As with others, I do think there are parts where too little is explained--Sabrina mentions being caught up in Team Rocket (like with Pokemon Special?) but then doesn't really say WHY she wanted to go to the Altamura lab and look at the Mewtwo experiment. We also never learn who let Mewtwo Two loose. Colress coming along for the ride just for kicks and giggles is something I can easily believe, what with him being the eccentric mad scientist type.

That's all I really have! Thanks for putting this up; I had a lot of fun reading it, and I hope you enjoyed writing it :)


I had a few grammar errors to point out, but it was nothing that other reviewers haven't pointed out before so I left them out.
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
Hello there, I'm here for Catnip, reviewing Chapter 1. Now, I have to start by saying that I have not watched Young Frankenstein, but because I was curious, I consulted a friend that had for certain scenes to get a better idea of how much was from the movie and how much was original. I made some observations relating to that, but more on that after these quote comments.

In the massive estate the thunder and lightning were crackling over. Deep within its confines lay a coffin

Either this first sentence is incomplete (missing an active verb in the main clause) or the active verb is "were" in which case this sentence repeats information we already have and the second sentence's pronoun links poorly to their target ("estate"). Maybe "Deep within the confines of the estate the thunder and lightning were crackling over lay a coffin" or "Within the estate's coffin" for the second sentence?

The student opened his mouth, went through several motions including one suspiciously similar to the thinking emoji,
The reference to a thinking emoji feels tonally inconsistent with the rest of the story - it just doesn't feel like the same kind of comedy.

Another scientist entered the room and handed Silver a Premier ball.
Nitpick, but I believe this person should be called an assistant rather than a scientist. "Scientist" puts focus on the fact that this is a highly educated person that does research, and someone like that would likely have something more important to do than wait behind a door for half a lecture to be called in.

He removed the headset, only to be floored by a fiery blast from the Braixen. The Braixen jumped off the table and stormed off. Another scientist approached the floored Silver,
"Floored" is a rare enough word to look awkward when repeated, and it also sounds like the blast knocked Silver to his feet, but there's no description of him being affected by fire.

During the debate Silver did not notice an old man with a box enter the room.
"Debate" feels like the wrong word here. Nothing really was debated per se.

a Feraligatr was curled up at his feet,
all the bones in his feet, shattered

----------------


Silver gazed out the window of the airplane in Mistralton as the plane prepared to take off. Many thoughts stewed in his mind. What was the estate like after all these years? Would people remember him? What would they do if they remembered him? His fingers clenched tightly to the seat out of anxiety.


It was enough he didn't notice a tall man in a labcoat board the plane and sit down the way.


---------------
This was around the first point where I realized how much this felt like it was describing film footage. In film, we can have a short scene of a person looking at a photograph while on some transport and move onto a next scene without trouble, but in film, changing between shots or between scenes can be (and usually is) achieved by a simple cut. In writing, though, we have no ---'s between what would take different shots in film (say, lines of dialogue), but we do have them between scenes (well, not in all writing, but in this one). To explain how the awkwardness of a short scene like this in writing would appear in film, imagine all changes between scenes were slow fades to black. It looks just fine when you have a scene of over a minute, but when you have a scene that only lasts up to ten seconds, it feels poorly integrated. Am I making sense? This is kind of hard to express.

Silver rolled his eyes, and not in an attempt to see the back of his skull.
This is, again, kind of out of place. It feels like something that'd belong in a full-on crackfic that has consistently quirky narration rather than the narration of a comedy movie.

Silver jumped in his seat a bit, naturally earning him a few more looks from the other people on the bus. After a second he attempted to think back.


Who the hell are you?
Did you intend to italicize Silver's thoughts? They really need it to set them apart from narration.

so with that I resigned from the Elite 4 to
Elite Four, if I recall right, has always been written out as letters. It's also better to write out numbers under 21 in prose as a rule of thumb.

Silver didn't really know his strung instruments,
*string

but he could recognize one dammit.
Missing comma.

the bookcase did a 180 rotation,
did a 360 spin,
I really think these could have been worded in a better way. Firstly, they are 180 and 360 degree turns, but giving degrees makes it sound needlessly mathematical. "Turned around" and "turned again, this time making a full circle" would suffice and flow better.

~I definitely should. This has Rocket all over it.~
I don't really see how soft string music from a hidden passageway has Rocket all over it, but this could be attributed to headcanon.

There were Spinarak cobwebs and Rattata everywhere as they descended. Eventually they reached a door; Silver took the handle in his hand only for it to break. He sighed and pushed the door open; beyond he found strange bottles and tubes and a display of preserved human and Pokemon remains.


"Gross..." said Silver.
A biologist finding preserved human and Pokémon parts gross can be funny in the vein of this Simpsons bit, but it just didn't come across that way to me here.

"Wait," said Silver. The music's stopped, but there's a light behind that door..."
Missing quote.

These formulas and methods and hypothesis...
I assume hypothesis is meant to be in plural, in which case you want hypotheses.

---

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much in terms of plot and character I can critique here. I talked to that friend of mine, and it seems like a lot of this follows the film very closely - possibly even scene for scene, which is what that scene on the plane being so short makes me think is going on. The things I would say about them would be things to say about the movie rather than your own writing, so I've left out a bunch of observations that I believe would be complaints about the movie's events.

I do think, though, that this has room for improvement when it comes to the novelization of a film. A film can be written down simply by describing what is happening on the screen, but it will not evoke the same feelings. Film is simply consumed differently from writing - what happens in a picture or a video clip is understood instantly and effortlessly, but writing requires the reader to parse meaning from words and build their own mental images. Reading also takes a lot more time, and because every word must be read, every detail requires conscious focus. This makes reading "flatter" than film - there is no background music to influence us subconsciously, there are no "background gags". If writing was taken as literally by film as film was by transcription, we would receive a close-up shot of every detail.

This sounds like it's setting writing up as a fundamentally inferior medium to film, but that's utterly untrue. You see, what makes writing special is its ability to convey things that simply cannot be mapped to sound and image alone. It can mention time passing without needing to rely on context or a montage. It can convey a character's mood or attitudes without needing to rely on facial expressions or music. It can hint at a character's past without the need for flashbacks. Really, this all is the reason language exists in the first place - to express the things we cannot simply point at or mime.

The reason I'm saying all this is that I felt like these powerful features of writing were absent here. I didn't feel like I was reading a story but rather being described a film. I get that you can't go out and recreate this movie with film and that writing is possibly the most accessible of all artistic media, but written out like this, I just don't know what I'm meant to get out of it, especially as someone that has not seen the movie. And that's why I don't know what else to say than this.
 

Namohysip

Dragon Enthusiast
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Partners
  1. flygon
  2. charizard
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. sceptile
  6. marowak
  7. jirachi
Hello hello, I'm here for a very belated Blacklight reward review, but by sheer wonderful coincidence, it looks like I read this story at just the right time!

I know very little about Frankenstein's derivatives beyond the original story that I'd read back in high school, so I don't really know if the work you're basing this off of was already lighthearted or not. That being said, I think you did a really good job at establishing early on (even if I wasn't already familiar with your writing style) that this was meant to be more of a lighthearted, comedic style of a story.

The biggest tipoffs was also one of my favorite lines from the whole story, of Silver not even realizing that he'd stabbed himself during lecture. It really shows some of his dedication and maybe a slight bit of unhinged behavior. Maybe some of that runs in his blood?

The overall structure of the story was nice and quick, and while it seemed to be clearly connecting to a larger story (and I believe a canon one to an extent?) it still was self-contained enough that it worked on its own. I felt that some of the foreshadowing at the beginning didn't have as much payoff as I would have hoped from the end, particularly the mind inhibitor technology that had been featured, but at least the main plot of the creation of the new Mewtwo was resolved well enough. The way some of the characters behaved seemed a little off from their canon counterparts, but I'm chalking that one up to what this is meant to be a parody of than anything.

Overall, though, this was enjoyable to read through! Glad I was able to get to it right around Halloween to make it fully appropriate. What great timing~
 
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