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Pokémon Forbidden Dreams

cynsh

full-time quilava
Location
Deepden
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. quilava
Hi! This is a oneshot I published almost exactly a year ago today. The two main characters, Shaice and Faoz, were side-characters in my old PMD long-fic, Fractured Elements (not affliated in any way with Fighting Nature). I wanted to provide some backstory for them since this is never provided in that story, even though multiple characters wonder how they wound up together. I also wanted to have a shot at writing something more romance-focused. No knowledge of Fractured Elements is required to read.

Summary: For a Bagon growing up in the Dragon-occupied Zarrac Mountains, life seems as comfortable as can be. But when he stumbles across a lost, desolate Buizel, whose very presence in the mountains endangers herself, things suddenly become complicated. What is he to do when, by continuing to meet her, he puts himself at just as much risk?

Content Warning: Contains allusions to death and mild trauma.

Preferred Feedback: Anything's good!

----

Shaice glanced at the pebble in his hand, then the Axew and Jangmo'o either side of him, each exactly 10 paces away.

"On my call," the Bagon said. He placed the pebble on the grass, then stepped to the side of the two 'mon. "Ready… charge!"

Both Pokémon sprinted at each other. Or, that was what they had been doing. Their tiredness was evident now in their long strides.

The Jangmo'o stumbled over something, allowing the Axew to reach the pebble a step ahead of him. He deftly scooped it up with a swipe of an arm, and then, off-balance, all he could do was turn his back into the Jangmo'o's incoming tackle. They both groaned at the impact, left in a heap. But the pebble remained in the Axew's hand.

"Come on!" he roared, jumping into the air, suddenly alive with energy again. That was their seventh game of 'pebble-tackle', and the decider. Four-three in Fawks' favour.

Fawks grinned devilishly at the Jangmo'o. "Wanna go again, Morrin? Best of nine?"

Morrin shook his head wearily. "You win this one," he said.

"I think that stumble was a sign that you pack it in," Shaice said, to which Morrin gave him a rueful smile.

"Tomorrow," he said to Fawks. "You just got lucky."

"What, four times?" Fawks said teasingly.

The three of them retreated back to the small fire Shaice had lit earlier. He didn't have many physical advantages as a Bagon, but gaining fire-breathing, even to his small degree, was undoubtedly one. They laid back, enjoying the cool spring air. They came to this spot often; the flat ground made it ideal for pebble-tackle, the hills it leant into could act as shelter against rain, and the lake nearby had made for some good forfeits in the past. The mountains around them were quiet at this time of night.

"Do you ever find it weird, how far away we are?" Shaice said suddenly.

Morrin craned his neck at him. "What d'you mean?"

"Like, I love these mountains, and the Dragons are all pretty great… but isn't there much more than this? My dad's old adventure logs, they talk of these huge expanses of water, far wider than any lake here… or areas where there's only sand instead of grass, and plants grow without any leaves. Deserts, they're called."

Fawks sniffed. "Sounds pretty lame."

"I'm not saying I'd want to live there," Shaice said. "Just… see it for myself. Most Dragons here seem to expect us to stay in Zarrac all our lives."

"That kinda travelling's much easier for you, with the wings you're gonna get," Fawks pointed out.

Shaice frowned; the Axew sounded almost accusatory. "I guess."

"I do see what you mean," Morrin said. "But for me, I just can't wait till I'm strong enough to challenge the coliseum."

"And challenging the other provinces!" Fawks added. "Stormcade, Wytail… they won't know what's hit 'em when we show up."

They chuckled, which quickly turned to groans when a particularly strong gust of wind extinguished their fire, shrouding them in shade. Their only light source now was the nearby lake, moonlight reflecting off its surface.

"I guess it is late," Morrin said, getting up. "And I'm done fighting for the night. Let's go."

Shaice and Fawks agreed, and they set off towards Latias' Keep. Perhaps the only downside of the spot here was how many hills they had to climb to get back up to their province.

Halfway up the second hill, and feeling a slight rumbling in his stomach, Shaice reached for his bag. But it wasn't on his shoulder. He sighed.

"Guys, I left my bag by the lake. I'll… just catch you in the morning."

"Nice one," Fawks grinned, then nodded. "See ya later."

Shaice turned back and wearily began descending again. I hope it's where I think it is, he thought. I don't think dad would be too happy with me if I lost a third bag in, what is it now, three–

At the bottom of the hill, he froze.

His bag was wide open. Next to it was a ragged-looking orange-and-blue Pokémon that he didn't remotely recognise, devouring the carrots he had left inside as if it were the last meal it would ever see.

A wild stole my food?! he thought, heartbeat quickening. No, this is fine. They're scared of Dragons, so as soon as it knows that I'm here, it'll scram… at least, I hope.

He mustered enough courage to shout, "Hey!"

The orange 'mon's head spun to him at once, and it backed off a step, still clutching a carrot in hand. "What?" she said indignantly.

The crouched battle stance Shaice had instinctively taken up faltered. She spoke? She can't be a wild… but that doesn't make any sense! He straightened a little. Given she was civilised, perhaps he could find a civil solution to this.

"That's my food you're eating," he said. "Out of my bag. Think you could give them back?"

"You think I'll believe it's yours?" the orange 'mon snapped. "It could be anyone's."

Shaice frowned. This 'mon's manner didn't feel right at all. "If it's not mine, it's another Dragon's," he said. "Does that not worry you?"

She paused. "What do you mean, another Dragon's?"

"Do you… know where we are?"

Realisation seemed to dawn upon the orange 'mon, her arrogance disappearing. She looked back at the lake, then at the hills that loomed from all directions. "Zarrac?" she said, practically feeling the word on her tongue.

"Yes, Zarrac," Shaice said, surprised. "Just outside Latias' Keep. You realise what that means? If an older Dragon sees you here–"

"I know what it means," she said, suddenly stammering her words. She turned her back on him and took a step away, but then stopped. "How… how do I get out of here? What's the quickest way?"

Shaice had only ventured beyond Zarrac a couple of times himself, and never on foot. He started thinking about the question, but found his eyes drawn back to this strange creature looking at him. He noticed how skinny she was. How sunken and bloodshot and, most worrying to him, scared her eyes were. She was intelligent, yet had taken her chances on food that obviously belonged to someone. Why?

"How did you get here?" he asked. "Where's your family?"

He saw something flash in her eyes, then she looked away. "Don't know how I got here," she muttered. "But I can't stay. Where do I leave?"

Why didn't you like that question? Shaice thought. It made him even more concerned.

"Listen, there isn't–" Shaice paused. "Um, what's your name?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Faoz."

"Faoz. If you don't have a home here then, as far as I know… there isn't another civilised settlement around for days. You'll only find Dragons."

"Then what do I do?!" she said, with a sudden desperation that sent a shiver down his back.

Shaice swallowed. What could she do? And what could he do? How had he found himself in this position?

Now that Faoz knew where she was, that Shaice was a Dragon in a land of Dragons, she wouldn't want to threaten him. He could easily take back his bag and leave her. Retreat back to his world of normality. It wasn't like she was certain to die if she tried to get away from here. She clearly knew how to survive. Wasn't that the best option for both of them, anyway?

…No.

"I know a place close to here," he said. "A pond. No Dragons come there because of how secluded it is."

Her look told him that she wouldn't be convinced by simple words. But she was also desperate.

"Where is it?" she asked.

"You can't see it from here, it's near the top of this hill. I can take you there."

Faoz nodded slowly.

"I'll need my bag back, though," Shaice added, as it was still in her hand.

After a brief hesitation Faoz handed it over, though she kept the carrot in hand. "Can I keep this?" she asked. "I'm starving."

It was already half-eaten. And Shaice saw no reason to refuse her other than plain cold-heartedness.

"Take it," he said, then sighed inwardly as his stomach rumbled again. He was amazed that Faoz didn't choke, given the speed at which the carrot was duly dispatched.

They had only taken a few steps up the hill before Faoz stopped. "Walk a few steps in front of me," she said, almost like an order.

Shaice frowned. "Why?"

"So I'll be able to escape if you're leading me into a trap."

Shaice almost growled. This isn't a trap! he wanted to snap at her. But he knew that would convince her of nothing, so he reluctantly did as she said.

Dragon night vision was adequate, but by no means ideal; the only Dragons still active at this time of night would be strong ones that could fly to their homes, so there was little danger of him and Faoz being seen. He wasn't sure if Faoz was aware of this, though, for whenever he glanced backwards, her eyes were scanning their surroundings furiously.

A few drops of rain had started falling while they had spoken, and it had become a steady downpour by the time they neared the thicket of trees that surrounded the pond Shaice knew. It brought some curiosities to his mind about Faoz.

"You're a Water Pokémon, aren't you?" he asked.

"Actually, these fins on my arms are for flying with," Faoz said, something between light-hearted and scornful. "I am, yes. Name's Buizel."

The species sounded vaguely familiar to Shaice. "Do you enjoy this sort of weather, then?"

Faoz paused. Only for a moment, but it was noticeable. "It's okay when it's like this," she said quietly.

Shaice frowned. What have I said wrong now?

Fortunately, at that moment they stepped into the little clearing of the pond. The trees around them blocked out so much of the moon that it was difficult to see anything; he could only rely on the light of Faoz's bright orange fur. He hardly ever saw Pokémon with fur. How impractical it must be, he thought.

Faoz glanced around once more, gazed into the pond, then dived gracefully inside, barely leaving a ripple in the water. She disappeared for so long that Shaice wondered if that was the last he'd ever see of her, before her head burst back to the surface.

"It's deep," she said. The water seemed to have changed her voice; it sounded revitalised, relieved. Perhaps the carrot had helped, too. "I can sleep down here."

"Y-you can sleep underwater?" Shaice blurted.

For a moment, Faoz laughed. It almost startled him, how stark a constant it was with her steeliness before. Quickly though, she regained her composure. "Is there any food here?" she asked.

Shaice paused. He hadn't thought about that. "Is there none in the pond?"

Faoz leapt out of the water as easily as if were a springboard, to stand opposite him. "Might be, but it's hard to see right now."

Shaice nodded. "Well, I can… bring you some, then. Tomorrow. At about sun…set…?"

His rational mind only seemed to kick in when he reached the last word. What are you doing?! it screamed. You've known this 'mon for barely a Joltik! How are you even going to bring her food? If you sneak off, and you're caught, or if she's caught and blabs about you…

And yet, he also felt this was the absolute right thing to do. He couldn't quite articulate why.

Faoz, meanwhile, was looking at him with what he could only guess was scepticism. "How do I…" She hesitated. "…know that I can trust you?"

Suddenly, the night was lit up by a flash in the sky. Shaice only caught it out of the corner of his eye: lightning. As he looked up, another appeared, a great, fragile beam cutting across the clouds.

"Woah," he breathed. "We don't get lightning very often. Have you ever seen–?"

Faoz was not watching the lightshow with the same awe. Instead she was sitting, almost lying on the ground. Her whole body shook, as if it had been dropped into a hailstorm rather than lightning.

"Faoz?" Shaice ventured. "You alright?"

Faoz glanced at him, mouth quivering, then shut her eyes and turned away. "I… I…" There was a distant rumble of thunder, and she yelped.

"It's okay!" Shaice said hurriedly, coming closer to her. He really didn't want her to run off now; not after getting this far. "That thunder came a long time after the lightning. This storm's happening far away from here. We're safe."

Faoz did not answer, or even move. The contrast with the Pokémon Shaice had thought he'd known was startling. He saw another silent flash of lightning come down, but Faoz was no longer watching.

"Um… if you can sleep underwater Faoz, why don't you just stay down there until it's over? You won't hear the–"

"NO!" Faoz cried, so desperately that it barely sounded like a word. Shaice took a step back, startled.

"I… sorry. I can't do that," Faoz said. She sniffed. "Not after what happened to them."

To them? Shaice thought. He considered Faoz carefully. She had avoided any questions about her family. She was civilised, yet in a place far from her home. And she was terrified of lightning.

Something major happened to her.

Shaice approached her again, this time sitting down and putting an arm around her side. Rarely had he felt compelled to do such a thing – especially to someone he'd just met – but this whole situation was new to him. Even the uncomfortable wetness he felt of her fur was unimportant now. Faoz's eyes flicked open at him.

"This lightning… it hurt your family?" Shaice guessed.

She nodded slowly, whimpering a little. "I got out of the water in time, but for my mum, my little brother..." Her voice was barely a whisper. "I-I can still hear their screams, when I see the lightning, hear the rumbles…"

Dear Arceus… Shaice wanted to shake as much as her. What could he do to calm her down? He had never felt so helpless.

"How long have you been… travelling alone?" he asked.

Faoz squinted. "A few moons, now."

Shaice swallowed. That long?

"Yeah…" Faoz murmured, as if reading his mind. "You would think it had happened just yesterday, with how I am."

"What? No!" Shaice exclaimed. "Faoz, to survive on your own for that long, given… what happened… that takes strength. More than I could manage, for sure."

Faoz sighed. "I don't think it's strength. When you're focusing on finding food, shelter, avoiding wilds every day…" She shook her head. "I just kept moving. That way it doesn't all catch up with you."

Another lightning bolt cut diagonally through the cloud. Faoz didn't cry out this time, only whimpered a little more, then she pushed herself even closer to Shaice's body. He bristled instinctively at the wet, then stopped, realising something. Her fur was warm, once he got past the water. And it felt… comforting, somehow. It certainly helped stave off the cold that had begun to settle in his bones, the rain still plummeting down on them. Perhaps she felt the same being close to him.

He realised then what he should do. This time there was no doubt in his mind.

"Are you going to stay out here?" he asked. "At least until the storm ends."

"I-I…" Faoz looked downwards. "I'll have to, I guess…"

"Then I'll stay with you."

Faoz blinked at him, eyes wide. "B-but you can't… I'm not supposed to be here, and if you're seen with me…"

"I know," Shaice said. And Mew, my mind's telling me the same thing. "But this storm won't last all night. I'll be able to sneak off in the early morning."

He had no idea if either of those things were true. But that somehow didn't matter.

He pushed himself closer to Faoz, and she looked up at him again.

"You will come back tomorrow, won't you?" she whispered.

"Yeah," Shaice said. "At sunset." He paused. "And um… you can call me Shaice, you know."

The smallest of smiles crossed her face. "I'll do that."

----

As often happened, Shaice's thoughts were preoccupied as he took his place in the queue of Dragon Pokémon waiting for food. So much has changed since then, he reflected. Then he shook his head. You can think about this later. I still need to come up with an excuse to sneak off.

He normally managed to avoid the rush of 'mon at dinner entirely. Usually his dad suddenly needed help with some work, or there was something in old Ractyl's teachings earlier that he wanted to enquire further about. I'll be a bit late for dinner, but don't worry Fawks, Morrin, I'll meet you in the evening as always.

Shaice sighed, as if the simple exhale would somehow reveal a solution. Life never used to be this complicated.

The queue moved on until Shaice stood opposite Garys, the old Garchomp at the counter. "Cheer up, my dear!" beamed Garys, passing Shaice a plate with a leg of meat on. "The day's yours to cherish now! No more boring lessons, eh?"

"Yeah, dear, cheer up," the Axew behind him said snidely. Shaice ignored him. That was the option that required the least energy.

"What's the meat today?" he asked Garys.

"The meat?" Garys repeated, even though Shaice had asked the same question countless times now. "Um, ah… Sawsbuck, I believe…"

Shaice felt a little weight lift from his shoulders. That's good. She likes Sawsbuck.

After getting his plate, he sat down at a bench with Fawks and Morrin, and immediately noticed the latter next to him giving an amused look.

"What?" Shaice said wearily.

"Have you always been this into vegetables?" the Jangmo'o asked, eyeing Shaice's plate filled with carrots and broccoli.

Shaice shrugged. "Vegetables are healthy."

Morrin rolled his eyes. "I know that, but… what about the meat, dude? You haven't even put any berry juice on yours! You feeling alright?"

"I'm fine," Shaice said, then noticed a welcome distraction at a nearby table. "Oi, Fawks," he said to the Axew opposite him. "Your girl's just arrived."

The Pokémon in question was a Swablu named Saria, whom Fawks had been waxing lyrical about a lot recently. Fawks immediately swivelled clumsily on the bench, which made Morrin snort with laughter. "You're hopeless," he said.

"Shut up!" Fawks snapped, shooting Morrin a look. Shaice's hands froze next to his plate. However, Fawks quickly cast his gaze back to Saria's table. "At least I'm trying. You just like to laugh at me."

"Trying would mean like, talking to her properly," Morrin said. As they both looked at the far table, Shaice took his opportunity, stuffing his meat and carrots into the bag between his feet.

"I will talk to her," Fawks protested, "but it's so hard when she's always surrounded by 'mon… being so damned popular…"

Shaice pulled his bag over the table and slung the strap over his shoulder, which naturally drew both his friends' attention. "I just remembered an errand I forgot," Shaice said hurriedly. "Gotta run, see you tonight!"

He half-walked, half-jogged out of the food hall before either of them had time to enquire, and made sure not to catch anyone's eye on the way out.

Was it even necessary to hide the food? he lamented. They definitely would have noticed that. I'll just have to deal with it later…

The Bagon climbed up the steps out of the building sunk into the ground, then immediately turned away from paths marked in the grass. He had carefully honed the route to the pond over his numerous visits, identifying the least crowded routes through Latias' Keep to minimise the chances of awkward encounters. After all, it was unusual for a Dragon to be heading down the mountains this late in the afternoon. Even stranger for one who hadn't yet earned his wings.

He descended a hillock that obscured him from the view of any dwellings, checked that no one had been watching, then finally breathed a sigh of relief. Feeling an unpleasant lurch in his stomach, he pulled out a carrot from his bag and began munching.

He thought about those early days again.

As he'd promised, he brought Faoz food the following sunset, stuffed from the canteen into his bag, just as it was now. Faoz, though still a little shaken from the storm, had been much better. She told him she'd found roots growing in the pond that she could chew on for nourishment, but Shaice was sceptical of that, and still found ways to meet her most days for the next halfmoon or so.

It was around that time when Faoz greeted him with a pawful of berries she had taken from a nearby woodland, one separate from her hiding place. Shaice was horrified at her exposing herself, but she rolled her eyes and said he underestimated her skill. As the Buizel continued to find the berries, he gradually conceded that she might have a point. In fact, Faoz hardly needed his food donations anymore. She could probably hoard a few days' worth of food and leave Zarrac for good, perhaps to find a new pond or lake for Water 'mon, in more neutral territory.

And yet, Shaice continued to see her. Not only that, but he stayed longer; they talked more openly about themselves, their backgrounds, their dreams, even. They spent a couple of nights outside the protection of the pond, exploring Zarrac's silent, dark hills and forests.

He could clearly recall one night where they laid against a grass bank, looking up at the stars. It was late, and though he was tired and knew he should return home, Faoz's energy had carried him along. They were talking about something unimportant – he had never known anyone else with whom conversations just seemed to glide along by themselves – when suddenly, stretching himself, he realised one of Faoz's paws was linked with his own.

He started, which Faoz immediately picked up on. "What's wrong?" she asked, then appeared to realise herself. "Oh, um… if you don't want to do this, I won't mind–"

"No!" Shaice said, startling himself with the speed the word came out. "I… I do. I really do. I was just… surprised for a moment, that's all."

"Typical, eh," Faoz joked, but then she rubbed her head affectionately against his shoulder. "Thank you, Shai."

That was that; their relationship had just 'happened'. Even now, Shaice struggled to make sense of it all. He suspected his friends would too, if he could ever tell them.

Upon reaching the pond's bank he picked up two sticks, but before he could hit them together in the familiar rhythm, he saw a pair of eyes and an orange fin poking out of the water in front of him. Though Shaice had been adamant that they remain cautious about meeting, hence the sticks, Faoz had grown bored of such measures.

Shaice shook his head at her lack of cover, but smiled. "Afternoon."

The rest of the Buizel's head burst out from the blue. "I was expecting you to scold me," she said, smirking. "Have I really ground you down that much?"

"Actually, I was waiting for you to come to a more strategic place for scolding," Shaice replied, gesturing to the bank he stood on.

"Aww?" Faoz frowned. "What's wrong with in here? It's really nice, you know…"

Shaice gave her a dim look. "You've seen my attempts at swimming."

"You just need practice."

"Well, not in there," he said firmly. "It's freezing! Mew knows how you cope with it…"

"You're overexaggerating," Faoz said easily. Her eyes caught a little spark, as they did when she thought of something mischievous. Which was often. "Here, I'll prove it to you."

Her head disappeared underwater. In the dimming afternoon light, Shaice couldn't make out where she was going. He mentally braced himself; for what, he had no idea, only that it somehow wouldn't be favouring him…

"HAI-YA!"

Before he could react, Faoz burst from the water right in front of him, throwing him backwards. As he hit the ground, the Buizel's arms wrapped around his back, putting all her soaking fur into contact with his scales.

"Grr… get off, get off!" he cried, trying to kick her away with his legs. But they were too weak, and it only made Faoz howl with laughter. Quickly, Shaice's desire to get her off faded too, and he joined her laughter.

"Well?" Faoz said, as they laid on their sides. "Not so bad, is it?"

"It's… bearable," Shaice said. He nuzzled his head against hers briefly, then broke off the hug. "They had Sawsbuck today."

Faoz made an excited inhale of breath as Shaice pulled open his bag. As he passed the leg of meat over, though, she frowned at him. "Did you eat any of this?"

Shaice paused briefly. "No. But it's fine, I've got carrots."

"Carrots..."

"Wh– why does everyone hate vegetables now? Carrots are nice! See?" He took a massive bite off one for emphasis, but then found he could barely chew it.

Faoz gave him a strangely melancholy smile. "I can't take all of this. We should split it."

"What have you eaten in the last two days?" Shaice asked, once he'd finally swallowed the carrot. A question Faoz never liked to hear.

"I've had… some berries," she said, wringing her paws together anxiously. "Chewed on some roots…"

"Exactly," Shaice said. "Winter's approaching, you know. The berry trees around here can't sustain you forever."

"Well, I won't let you go hungry because of me, either. I already owe you enough."

"You owe me nothing."

Faoz opened her mouth to argue, then seemed to decide against it. "Alright then," she said, taking a chunk off the meat.

She leant over, inspecting the grey armour around his head, then rubbed the front of it delicately, though Shaice could hardly feel a thing there. "Am I dreaming, or did this used to just be a little tuft on top of your head? It's grown so much. Can you smash stuff just by headbutting it now?"

Shaice smiled back, but her words triggered an uncomfortable reminder for him. Faoz picked up on his waver at once. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"There's… something I wanted to talk to you about," he said. "Been putting it off for some time, now."

She sighed wearily. "No time like the present, doofus."

He smiled to himself. Always so blunt.

"My headshield has grown, it's true," he said. "Our fighting teacher picked up on it a few days ago. Says that it means I'm due to evolve pretty soon."

"Whaaaat?" Faoz exclaimed. "Shai, that's good – no, amazing news! You'll be one step closer to an awesome, flying, fire-breathing–"

"I know," Shaice said quickly. "In that sense, it's good. But I'm worried about what'll happen with us. Because being a Bagon… it's really useful for this sort of thing. I can sneak away really easily. Hide if I need to."

"Right," Faoz said, smile fading. "I forgot you didn't like your second form."

"It's not that I don't like it. I might love it, being covered in armour, being able to roll places… But 'mon are going to notice a Shelgon – no matter how stealthy I try to be. I just… I worry that we won't be able to meet anymore."

Faoz put a second paw around his. "Because if you keep trying to meet me discreetly, you think we'll get discovered."

"Yeah."

"Well…" A wry smile appeared across her face. "Guess we'll have to come clean before that happens."

"W-what?" Shaice backed away from her at once. "We can't do that!"

"Why not?" Faoz looked dimly at him. "What other option is there?"

"We could… run away," Shaice said, but immediately shook his head at the thought. "I can't do that, though…"

"I don't want to either," Faoz said. She thought for a moment. "You think your father's a pretty good 'mon, don't you?"

"Yeah…" Shaice said, a little confused.

"Don't you think I deserve to meet him, then? Or that he deserves to know about this 'mon you've been secretly seeing for… six moons, now?"

"Of course I do, but it's not that simple! You know as well as I do: in Latias' Keep, the only civilised 'mon are Dragons, half-Dragons or, in some cases, Dragon descendants. Any civilised 'mon outside of that who are seen in these hills are trespassing."

Faoz nodded. "But… are there any rules on having non-Dragon mates?" Shaice looked at her with alarm, and she added, "It sounds a tad extreme, but that's how I'll be seen."

"R-right," Shaice said. "Well, I've never heard anyone say directly that you can't, but it's something you'd take as a given really, isn't it?"

Faoz hummed. "Have you ever… heard of anyone whose mate wasn't a Dragon?"

"There are old stories… and there are whispers, rumours about Dragons who have been away for a long time. But no one just turns up with one of them."

Faoz frowned. "Do you never even get 'mon like me coming here, looking for a place to shelter?"

"I saw a couple of wilds, once," Shaice said. "But that's it. I think every civilised 'mon this far east knows to keep away from these mountains."

Faoz went silent again, then suddenly threw the Sawsbuck bone into the grass. "Arceus dammit! Why does this have to be so forbidden, so complicated? Am I missing something about Dragons that makes them so different from the rest of the world?"

"Um," Shaice began, and Faoz turned imploringly to him. He cursed internally. "…Well, I think there are some differences."

"Like what?" Faoz said, a little calmer.

"There are things which make Dragons more suited for each other. Like… not only is a Salamence, say, larger than almost all non-Dragons, we also keep growing into adulthood." He looked sheepishly at Faoz. "Assuming I can reach that point, I–"

"When you reach that point," she corrected.

"When I reach that point, then. I'm gonna be really massive. Even compared to a Floatzel, I think."

Faoz looked concerned for a moment, but then shook her head, smiling. "I don't see a problem. If I'm riding you around the world, it just gives me more space to sit."

That was their tenuous 'dream': travel all over Kyunn together, to every peak and cliff there was. To places no 'mon had ever recorded. Perhaps they would be the first to make a record of them. It's only a dream right now, Shaice hastened to remind himself.

"Fine," he said. "There's also a thing about… how Dragons change personally as they get older? They become more reserved, don't speak as much. Usually," he qualified, thinking of Garys' tireless good spirits in the food hall. "I don't think non-Dragons do that."

Faoz gave a little shrug. "I'd get used to that."

"Well… it's hard to explain, I don't know exactly–"

"It'll be fine, believe me," she said, giving his head a nuzzle. For some reason, Shaice usually lost whatever desire he had to argue any time she did this.

Then Faoz turned to the trees behind them, towards the Keep, and stood up. "How about we get this over with, then?"

"What?" Shaice spluttered, again.

"It's getting dark, so no-one'll see us approaching town," Faoz said, smiling mischievously. "It's time you introduced me to your pops."

----

Shaice thought better than to argue, for he knew deep down that she was right. Whatever happened to him, whatever punishment he received, owning up to his and Faoz's relationship himself would win him more credit, and be significantly less shameful, than if he had been caught. It wasn't a huge consolation, but it was something.

But I have nothing to be ashamed of, he thought, gritting his teeth. It's these stupid ancient rules that are mistaken.

As they neared Latias' Keep, he was pleased to see that the nearest shelter to them, inhabited by an elderly Charizard, had only a small light coming from within, which must have been the 'mon's tail. The rest of him would be asleep.

Due to the vast sizes that Dragons grew to, and the hard surfaces of the mountains they lived on, trying to build anything complex for a shelter would be a waste of time and effort. Instead, the custom was for each single Dragon or group to have a huge piece of fabric draped over them. The corners of the shelters were secured by stakes in the ground, and most were held up in the centre by more, very tall stakes. The fabric was cut into ribbons on one end to provide an easy entrance. Most shelters could have some other functions, too; fire-pits were a common one. The fabric measuring was almost always done by a single Drampa, and Shaice remained mystified at the 'mon's seemingly impossible skill.

After cresting the hillock the Charizard's shelter sat against, the ground sloped sharply downwards, revealing a massive, flat area. This was the centre of Latias' Keep – her actual keep, if legend was to be believed. A few shelters were situated around the edges, but most of the space had been dug into. Whoever designed the town had apparently decided that there were two things warranting more careful construction than the shelters. The school sat on the side nearest Shaice; numerous classrooms, sparring halls and the dining room inside the tunnelled space. Further in the distance was the coliseum, whose single enormous bowl looked plain by comparison. Though it certainly wasn't plain when there were fifty-plus Dragons jostling for a good view of the fights.

Faoz gasped at what lay ahead. "I've heard so much about this place… so that must be– hey!"

Shaice quickly pulled her head down below the hill's peak. "I can tell you even more later. Mew – I'll show you. But not until we've explained everything, alright?"

Faoz sighed, but she understood. They continued sneaking around the edge of the keep, past the whole of the school, until one side of the coliseum was within reach. "Our shelter's just down there," Shaice said, gesturing to the faint light of some fabric below.

"You live right here?" Faoz said. "Good spot, between the two best places…"

Shaice smiled. "Yeah. Gets noisy when there's a party happening, though."

Once they managed the descent to the base of the Keep, Shaice led Faoz very slowly around the side of his shelter, now they were more exposed than ever to the eyes of onlookers. Still, they arrived at the cut in the fabric safely. There was light coming from inside, which meant Viors was likely present and awake.

Just as he turned to Faoz, he thought he heard a movement nearby. But he could see nothing except the lights of other shelters, and after waiting a moment, heard nothing more. He looked at Faoz again.

"I'll go and talk to him first," Shaice whispered. "I don't want to leave you out here, but it'll only be momentary."

Faoz nodded, fiddling restlessly with her paws. Shaice suspected she had felt this anxious all along; she was very good at putting on a smile and hiding how she felt. Perhaps too good.

Shaice strode up to the door and brushed aside the fabric ribbons. The Noivern he knew was stretched out along one side of the room, except for his black-and-purple wings, which were angled to allow his claws on the ends of them to hold the book he was reading. It was a dusty, dull-looking thing; probably some old tales of Kyunnian history. They were usually too dry for Shaice to get invested in.

Viors glanced up as he entered. "There you are," he said.

Shaice laughed nervously. Viors didn't usually greet him like that… did he? He seemed to have trouble remembering. "Hi dad. How was today's hunting?"

Viors hummed. "Good, yes, for this time in the season. I suspect most of the spoils will be cured now, with winter approaching." Viors lowered his book, yawning. "How about you, my boy?"

"Oh, good as well. The teachers think I'm doing well, and…" Shaice stopped. I can't stall this any longer. Come on, Dragon! "There's someone I want you to meet, dad," he said.

For a moment, Viors looked bemused, but then his features softened into a smile. "A girl?" he said.

Shaice was startled, and Viors chuckled before he could recover himself. Of course, Shaice thought, he thinks that I managed to ask out a Dragon. That I'm nervous purely because… what, he might not like her? I wish it was something that normal…

"Um – one moment," Shaice said, immediately ducking out of the shelter.

Faoz was still there. Shaice gave her a reassuring smile and nodded towards the shelter. But then a pair of arms suddenly burst from the darkness behind Faoz, yanking her to the ground. She tried to yelp, but the attacker covered her mouth before she could.

"Hey!" Shaice cried, running towards them. "W-what are you doing?! What's…"

He saw the attacker's face and froze mid-sprint. An Axew. Fawks!

"I knew you were up to something," Fawks hissed at him. "I wondered if you were seeing another Dragon, keeping it private for some reason. Hell, I wanted to congratulate you." He spat on the ground. "Not anymore."

Faoz growled through the makeshift gag, but Fawks didn't flinch. "What are you gonna do, fish?" he said. "Hit me? I don't think that's a good idea."

"Fawks, get off her!" Shaice said, alarmed. "I… I can explain this! I didn't–"

"I don't need to hear a damn explanation!" Fawks almost shouted. "I know everything I need to. Why we've been seeing so little of you these last few moons…" Faoz tried to writhe again, which Fawks responded by kicking her legs from under her. His arms shook as he looked at Shaice again. "What… what the hell is wrong with you, 'mon?! I can't believe you!"

Before Shaice could reply, he heard a set of distinctive, booming footsteps coming towards them, and his heart dropped.

"You brought Jarrux with you?" he said.

"Of course I did," Fawks said, a little calmer. He glared at Faoz. "He'll give you what you deserve, fish."

Jarrux was the Keep's Elder, a title which was no mean feat to obtain. While all fully-evolved Dragons would naturally gain a measure of say in important matters of the Keep, the Elder had the loudest, most decisive voice.

Moments later, the huge Haxorus arrived at Fawks' side. Shaice had always had an instinctive aversion towards the 'mon, despite them being on good terms up to now. Jarrux carried himself in a way that seemed to demand intimidation and deference. His red tusks gleamed where they had been sharpened, and his arms, instead of being relatively wiry like other Haxorus Shaice had seen, were just as muscular as his legs and tail.

"Let her go, Fawks," he barked.

As Fawks released Faoz, she immediately backed away until Shaice was by her side. He grabbed her paw and gave her the bravest, most comforting look he could. She gave back one of defiance.

Jarrux took one look at Faoz, then Shaice beside her, and his red eyes glowed like hot coals. "What," he growled, glaring at them both, "in damned Rayquaza's name is going on here?"

"He's been seeing this fish in secret, dad," Fawks said confidently. "Been hiding her away somewhere in Zarrac."

"Is this true, boy?" Jarrux said.

Shaice opened his mouth, but words wouldn't form. "Yes, Elder, but I… I have–"

"You dare come here with a common fur-'mon," Jarrux said, raising his voice even more, "and expect to keep her here? As a mate, even?"

Still Shaice couldn't speak. He felt as paralysed as after one of Morrin's tackles.

"Answer me, boy!"

Before Shaice could try again, there was a rush of wind from behind him. Two black-and-red feet landed abruptly next to him, then the Noivern spread his wings to lie protectively either side of him and Faoz. Shaice stared at Viors, astonished at his sudden entrance – for his father usually barely moved a wing once the sun had fallen – but the Noivern only had eyes for Jarrux.

Jarrux, to his credit, did not even flinch. "Viors, this is not a matter for your adjudication."

"Forget what is or is not for my adjudication!" Viors snapped, his voice possessing a steel Shaice had seldom heard. "An Elder you may be, Jax, but address my son like that again and I will not hunt another day for this province."

This made Jarrux pause. Viors leant over Shaice and Faoz until he was almost nose to nose with the Haxorus. "I'm the best hunter we have, and you know it," he said. "Now, shall we resolve this civilly or not?"

A growl like a rumbling of the earth slowly rose in Jarrux's throat. "You know, I remember a case like this, long ago," the Haxorus said. "A Dragonair, I think. Had some esteemed ancestors. Thought he could get away with anything." He glared at Shaice again. "You know what I did with them?"

All Shaice could do was shake his head.

"I banished them both from these mountains, never to return. Left them free to pursue whatever foolish fantasy they wanted. That was solved rather civilly, wouldn't you say?"

"Don't banish Shaice!" Faoz cried suddenly. "Do whatever you like with me, but he's done nothing wrong! I'm probably only alive because of him–"

"Be QUIET!" Jarrux roared, making both Shaice and Faoz recoil instinctively. "Speaking out of turn will only make things worse for you, girl."

"Jarrux," Viors said sternly. Jarrux looked up angrily at him. "Listen to what the 'mon just said. Don't you think, before these two are sent away forever, we should at least hear why she believes Shaice to be innocent?"

Shaice had a feeling that Jarrux would take a different view if Viors had not pseudo-blackmailed him moments before. As it was, he huffed, tilting his head so the subsequent smoke poured into the sky. Beside him, Fawks looked quite relieved by contrast, though he was trying hard not to show it.

"So be it," Jarrux said. "Shaice, only Shaice, explain yourself."

Luckily, this was one area Shaice felt mentally prepared for. "I found Faoz about six moons ago, by the lake just down the hill from here," he said. "She had lost her family and her home in a terrible accident. She had nowhere to live, and in her panic ran into these mountains, completely lost until she found me. When I learned all this, I was worried about her, so I showed her a pond she could stay in that was safe, and brought her food when I could." He noticed then that Fawks was looking wide-eyed at him, which made him stumble. "And um, over time we realised thatI mean, I realised…"

Next to him, Faoz sighed heavily. "We like each other a lot, mister Elder," she said sincerely. "And we want to stay together."

"You cannot"

"I know the rules, yes," Faoz interrupted firmly. "I know that I shouldn't be here. I just think those rules are wrong."

Shaice stared at her in awe. No one just interrupted an elder. Then again, he supposed, she's already broken so many rules. Wouldn't do much harm to break another.

"And why would you think that?" Jarrux growled. "Because you found food to scavenge here? And a pond where you can keep up this charade of yours in secret?"

Faoz narrowed her eyes. "Work on your insults, mister," she said. "Anyway, no. It's because I want to travel. I've heard so much about Dragons; how they can fly twice as fast as any other 'mon, can carry twice as much weight, withstand twice as much wind… Seems to me like they can do almost anything.

"But Pokémon of my kind… they tend to stay pretty close to water. They might explore the world a little in their young age, but they quickly settle down, start a family. And I think that's wrong. Life is short, it's fragile, and while I'm here I want to experience as much as I can. I want to travel to Kyunn's farthest corners, see sights no one could have imagined, meet Pokémon no one's ever heard of. And then, when I've learned as much as I can, I want to write it down and give other Pokémon like me a chance to do the same – because I'd bet that I'm not the only average, two-legged nobody that wants to go on adventures."

She glanced meaningfully at Shaice, who gave her an encouraging smile. "I can't behave like Dragon without a Dragon's help, though," she said. "Conveniently, Shaice wants to go on this journey with me. And… I think he's pretty fantastic. So I want to stay here with him, until he evolves, at least. Then we can go out into Kyunn on our own."

Jarrux, uncharacteristically, seemed to require a moment to absorb this. Viors took advantage.

"Shaice, my boy," he said, and Shaice looked up at him. "You were mightily foolish to do what you did."

"W-what?" Shaice said at once. "Dad, I–"

"But." Viors held a wing up to signal he wait. He smiled. "In protecting this 'mon, you did a great thing; I'm proud. Sometimes, acting foolishly is the bravest act of all."

Shaice felt so thankful that he could ignore the ridiculousness of that made-up phrase. "Thanks, pops," he said.

"And… Faoz, is it?" Viors turned to the Buizel. "I am terribly sorry for your loss. It must have taken great courage to survive out here."

"Thank you, sir," Faoz said reverently.

"You have been seeing each other secretly for… six moons, you say?" Viors cracked another smile. "That is impressive."

"How impressive this game of hide and seek has been is of no relevance," Jarrux snapped, regaining composure. "Faoz: though I still do not endorse you being here, I recognise now that your circumstances are somewhat exceptional. You are obviously intelligent. I understand why you do not wish to leave. And if Shaice had evolved, and you two still wished to leave together, I have no means to disallow you from doing so.

"But I strongly advise that you do not stay in the Keep. Other Dragons will not take kindly to the sight of you. They will not have such patience to hear why you are here."

Shaice half-expected Faoz to say, 'Like you can claim to have any patience, mister!' Mercifully, she had the sense to keep her mouth shut this time.

Then Shaice paused, considering Jarrux's words again. They won't like the sight of her… that's it!

"Elder?" he said. Jarrux looked him in the eye at once, which almost tripped up his tongue. "Could… Faoz not just stay at the pond she'd been all this time? No one found her, after all. She wasn't disturbing anyone."

Jarrux mused on this. "Why did you bring her here at all, then?"

"Because I couldn't keep sneaking off to the pond from here without getting caught eventually," Shaice said sheepishly. "And I was worried Faoz wouldn't get enough food out there in the winter."

"Then I will have to inform the rest of the Keep about this arrangement," Jarrux said. "If they know why you are disappearing, and that I have permitted it, you should encounter no trouble."

Shaice knew that final part was a lie, and suspected Jarrux did too. The social consequences of his and Faoz's relationship becoming public would be devastating, if Fawks' reaction was any indicator. He would become an outcast in the school. Would probably get rough treatment from all the teachers to boot.

But then he looked at Faoz. The possibility that he would never see her again… it made his chest ache in a way he had never known before. He felt far too young, and unworldly, and damned foolish to say that he could love her…

But he loved her.

"Okay." He nodded to Jarrux. "Then do that. What about Faoz's food?"

"The canteen usually has leftovers from dinner, correct?" Viors asked. He spoke as if he knew Jarrux would be unable to disagree.

Sure enough, the Haxorus jerked his head, as if in resignation. "I suppose... the canteen could pass leftovers onto Shaice if he asks. But only if there are leftovers."

That didn't stop Faoz making a little yelp of joy before she could contain herself.

"Excellent," Viors said. "I believe that is everything sorted, then?"

"Yes, I believe so," Jarrux said curtly. "But Viors, you will take the day off hunting tomorrow to aid me with these peculiar… logistics. I will expect you at first light."

"Understood."

"Then that is all. Fawks."

Jarrux gave the Axew a nudge, before turning to stomp back into the darkness of the Keep. Fawks stayed put, however. He took a couple of tentative steps towards the three of them.

"Shaice, I… had no idea that was what you'd been up to," he said carefully. "I was probably a bit rash. To both of you."

Shaice felt his chest loosen slightly. It wasn't perfect; not only had Fawks not apologised directly to Faoz, he seemed unable to even look at her. And Faoz herself still eyed the Axew with disgust. But it was a start. "It's alright, Fawks," he said, offering what felt like a weak smile.

Fawks shifted awkwardly, then opened his mouth a few times. "I'll speak to you more tomorrow, I guess," he finally said. "Night."

He nodded vaguely, then hurried after his father, leaving them in silence.

"Well," Faoz said, giving Shaice a tug on his hand. She grinned. "That went exactly as we'd planned, right?"

When he embraced her then, Shaice felt almost like he would cry. His emotions had been wound so tightly, the prospect of losing Faoz had been so real… he had never felt such joyful relief. "You were amazing," he mumbled through her fur. "Offering to take the whole rap for me, and everything you said about travelling… Although, I can't believe you insulted the Elder's sense of humour."

"He had it coming to him," Viors said. Shaice had forgotten he was with them, and pulled away from Faoz, slightly embarrassed. The Noivern chuckled softly.

"Thanks for supporting us, dad," Shaice said. "I didn't even know if you would privately. Let alone in that situation."

"Yeah dude, you were so badass!" Faoz added. "You're a much scarier Dragon than the tusks guy!"

Viors laughed, then his expression became solemner. "I cannot pretend that the sight of you with Shaice did not shock me, Faoz," he said. "But… I had to trust that any son of mine would have only done this for good reasons." He winked at them. "I'm glad that I was right. And, I am honoured to hear that you wish to be adventurers. All my life I have loved reading about others' journeys on Kyunn. Especially since I became too old to do them myself. I hope I can hear about yours someday." He gave them a conclusory nod, and turned back to his own shelter. "See you soon."

That left Shaice and Faoz out on their own. Shaice looked at her, but he didn't know what to say. Neither did Faoz, it seemed. They just stood there for a while.

"Well…" Shaice said eventually. Faoz glanced at him. "You need to be back at the pond before dawn. Want me to walk you there?"

Faoz frowned. "That's boring. I feel like we should be doing something… special, to celebrate..."

"Well, everyone here should be asleep by now. No one walking around, at least. As long as we're quiet–"

"Does that mean you can show me around the coliseum?" Faoz asked, eyes lighting up.

Shaice laughed. "I could, but there's no torches inside. You wouldn't be able to see much."

"I don't mind that. I just wanna stand in the middle of that arena and see how far my voice travels."

Shaice sighed. "I think that would wake up at least five Dragons. Sound travels really far in there."

"Oh. That's very sensible thinking." Then Faoz grinned at him and took his hand in her own. "You know what? Sure. Let's go to this huge, underground bowl, where we can't see a thing and can't so much as raise our voices."

"Is that special enough for you?" Shaice asked.

She smiled. "I can't imagine anything more romantic."

----

shaice eating carot.png
 
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Nubushi

しぶい
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. slowpoke-hgss
  2. togekiss-nubushi
I have only the faintest familiarity with PMD (the basic concept, mostly from having seen a few fanfictions), so please pardon anything that might come from fandom-blindness.

The biggest thing I would want to encourage you to think about with this story is, how are pokemon different from humans? The opening scene seems mostly like humans playing a game together, and their interactions sound like it's some human boys playing football. In that the interactions seems natural, that's good (the dialogue flows very believably), but there should be something to distinguish them from humans.

Some initial suggestions:

-Replace "hands" with paws or claws, whatever is appropriate (same things with "arms"). Also try to replace any other words that apply to humans but not to monsters. "Smile" sounds rather like a human expression. Not to say your dragons can't smile, but if they must smile, it would be good to describe it in a way specific to dragons, like pulling back scaly lips into a toothy grin, or something.

-You're writing for people who know Pokemon--however, I notice that strong writers in the Pokemon fandom quite often give their readers strong sensory descriptions of the monsters either as a supplement to or in place of the species name. Even if you expect all your readers know Pokemon, there are 900 species and it is hard to keep track of all the names. (For example, I've only played gens 1-V, so I had to look up "Jangmo'o" to find out what it looks like.) So, even for readers who are familiar with the Pokemon franchise, it's helpful to give as many sensory details as possible, rather than just relying on species names. (For example, when Naoz is introduced, you don't give her species name right away, but you describe what she looks like first.)

-Try to think about whatever makes pokemon different from humans and incorporate that as much as possible. You have your Bagon use fire-breathing to make a fire; that's a good start. Is there anything else? Anything about their mentality or the way they think that's different from humans? (Later on, you have some things about the way the town is built, which helps a lot. But even beyond physical things, the more you can do to differentiate them from humans, the better.)

-The "adventure log" and Shaice's bag were some other places where I was wondering how a dragon pokemon could keep a journal, or carry a bag. But maybe this is fandom blindness; I do recall that in PMD there are pokemon that live in towns, and wild pokemon. On the other hand, having read the whole story now, I like it that you have this detail early on in the story to establish that Shaice's dad likes adventuring; this gives some setup to make it plausible that he would approve of his son and Faoz wanting to travel and see the world together.

Moving on to some line-by-line comments, and then I'll make some general comments to wrap up at the end.

That's my food you're eating," he said. "Out of my bag. Think you could give them back?

"Food" is noncount and so "Think you could give it back?" (not "them") would be more logical. Unless Shaice is referring to the plural "carrots" which she already ate.

A bit later, you have some references to dragons' merely-adequate night vision, and to the rain. These are good, as they help to establish some of the details of what it's like to live as a pokemon (not as a human). Try to bring these things out as much as possible.

You've known this 'mon for barely a Joltik!

Seems like you're trying to use "joltik" in place of a unit of time (second? minute? hour?), but it comes across as really odd.

a great, fragile beam cutting across the clouds.

Never heard a lightning bolt referred to as "fragile" before (as people tend to think of them as frightening, powerful, etc.) You could potentially run with fragile if you put some work into it, like saying it looks as thin as a fragile _______ (fill in the blank here), but given Faoz's reaction of fear, you might want to think instead about what kind of atmosphere you want to produce, and what word would produce that atmosphere. (Scary? Awe-inspiring? Dangerous?)

Shaice felt a little weight lift from his shoulders. That's good. She likes Sawsbuck.

From reading the rest of the story, I eventually found out that the second scene (after the linebreak) is not just several days later, but six months. However, when you don't make that clear right away, it seems like the second scene happens the next morning (thus, I was wondering how he knows what kind of meat she likes), so you might want to give reader a heads-up. Quick thing to fix, though!

I notice that for the scene with the two of them together by the lake, you have words like "paw" instead of "hand," or "nuzzle," which establishes some animal-like atmosphere, so that's good.

I also liked some of the details about dragons growing to really vast sizes, and how they don't build a lot of permanent or complex buildings, but have these tents instead. That's the kind of stuff that makes the world actually come alive and gives it color, so the more of those kinds of details there are, the better!

But then a pair of arms suddenly burst from the darkness behind Faoz, yanking her to the ground.

The word "arms" is not wrong for the kind of dragon that Fawks is, but I find it invariably makes me picure human arms--like, you know, those scary pictures of someone's arms appearing out of darkness and wrapping around someone from behind. You could try using a word like "forearms" or "foreclaws" or something, or add some details like scales and claws . . . anything to make the reader picture an axew's arms, not human arms. (But also, Axew arms are pretty stubby, aren't they? Is the motion you describe even possible?)

there was a rush of wind from behind him. Two black-and-red feet landed abruptly next to him, then the Noivern spread his wings to lie protectively either side of him and Faoz.

This is nice--the nouns in "rush of wind" give the sentence strength, and then you have some visual details for the Noivern's appearance that help me picture what this pokemon's movements are like. Out of curiosity, though, wouldn't Noiverns be nocturnal (based off of bats)? I haven't looked at the dex entry, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

"Yeah dude, you were so badass!" Faoz added. "You're a much scarier Dragon than the tusks guy!"

This made me laugh.

Then Faoz grinned at him and took his hand in her own.

Whoops, hands again. In this instance, there might be something else that would seem more animal-like (pokemon-like) than joining paws/claws. Maybe nuzzling/butting her head against him affectionately?

So, overall, a cute story. It had a very teenage vibe. School, cafeteria (complete with a talkative old cafeteria lady), living with one's parents, the way the three boys joke around with each other. I did like it that Shaice had to take a few minutes upon meeting Faoz for his reaction to turn around--from indignation to reluctantly realizing that she is in trouble and the right thing to do is to help her out. That gradual changing in his attitude helped make the interaction believable. Overall, I would say maybe it would be even more believable if you slow things down more, like not having Shaice cuddle with Naoz to comfort her right away after they first meet (and only a few minutes after she was warily wondering if he was going to trick her or something). Naoz has a defined personality (feisty and self-confident), which is good. I also like her confidence in the way she encourages Shaice, telling him he should be saying "when" he evolves, not "if." If anything, Shaice seems a little passive, relying on his girlfriend to persuade him that this relationship really can work, to take her to meet his father, and so on. The final detail of her asking to see the colosseum and calling it "romantic" fits well with her personality.

Overall, not bad for a first attempt at romance! Just keep working on those sensory details, especially anything that shows your readers what the different Pokemon species look like, act like, etc.
 

cynsh

full-time quilava
Location
Deepden
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. quilava
Replace "hands" with paws or claws, whatever is appropriate (same things with "arms"). Also try to replace any other words that apply to humans but not to monsters. "Smile" sounds rather like a human expression. Not to say your dragons can't smile, but if they must smile, it would be good to describe it in a way specific to dragons, like pulling back scaly lips into a toothy grin, or something.
Hm. Well for bagon, its canon design doesn't have any sort of hands/paws, so there's already a bit of creative license being used there. I'm not sure it's correct to say that all pokemon 'hands' must be paws or claws. It's not what I would do, anyway.

Even if you expect all your readers know Pokemon, there are 900 species and it is hard to keep track of all the names. (For example, I've only played gens 1-V, so I had to look up "Jangmo'o" to find out what it looks like.) So, even for readers who are familiar with the Pokemon franchise, it's helpful to give as many sensory details as possible, rather than just relying on species names.
I get what you're saying, but I think in this oneshot especially I was keen to keep the writing succinct, and didn't want to get bogged down in lots of descriptions, particularly since the Jangmo'o (for example) is not a very significant character. Personally I don't think it's too much of a problem for the reader to look up the odd species here or there that they're not familiar.
The "adventure log" and Shaice's bag were some other places where I was wondering how a dragon pokemon could keep a journal, or carry a bag.
I think it's fairly common for PMD stories to make pokemon a bit more dexterous than they might be in a trainerverse setting. See what I said above about Bagon's digitless arms ^^
From reading the rest of the story, I eventually found out that the second scene (after the linebreak) is not just several days later, but six months. However, when you don't make that clear right away, it seems like the second scene happens the next morning (thus, I was wondering how he knows what kind of meat she likes), so you might want to give reader a heads-up.
I thought that Shaice thinking 'So much has changed since then', would be a good enough indicator that some time had passed. Maybe you missed that? I'm not a big fan of signposting timeskips like 6 Months Later at the start of a new section.
I notice that for the scene with the two of them together by the lake, you have words like "paw" instead of "hand," or "nuzzle," which establishes some animal-like atmosphere, so that's good.
Ah... I describe buizel as having paws, so that's where that came from. Maybe the contrast between bagon=hands and buizel=paws could get a bit confusing.
(But also, Axew arms are pretty stubby, aren't they? Is the motion you describe even possible?)
Again, PMD logic in action 😅
Overall, I would say maybe it would be even more believable if you slow things down more, like not having Shaice cuddle with Naoz to comfort her right away after they first meet (and only a few minutes after she was warily wondering if he was going to trick her or something).
In fairness, Shaice comforting Faoz was something that sparked their friendship and staying together more than immediate romance. I agree that I could have gone slower from 'this is how they met' to 'they're in love now'. There was a lot I wanted to fit into this oneshot, and I also didn't feel especially confident describing a romance developing in more detail. Maybe if I rewrote this today, I'd do things slower.

Thanks for the long review! I appreciate you giving a PMD-style story a try when it's not your forte. Glad that you somewhat enjoyed it. I can definitely make changes to some of the line-specifc errors you pointed out too. :quag:
 

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
I LIVE FOR THJE REVIEW BLITZ!!!

I'm not super into PMD and non-queer romances are outright not often my thing, but I thought this was cute! A classic tale of FORBIDDEN WUV

The plot structure of this is pretty well-worn but gets the job done; we get a good look into the main duo and what they're like and what the stakes are. And as a guy who's struggled with "you don't need to know this other thing to understand this fic I swEAR-" you... actually do a pretty good job of it here. I had no problem keeping track of who was who or what was what. Congrats on that.

The characters themselves are pretty distinct, have distinct motivations, and their actions make sense, even if some of the dragon traditions are kinda jerkish. (You and Pen's fic, geez.) But mercifu8lly there's a happy ending all around, which I somehow was not expecting but was pleasantly surprised to see anyway.

I have one (1) complaint and that's that the romance component of this fic feels kinda... sudden. I know this is a oneshot and you've got limited room to work with, that's perfectly respectable, but it stifll feels like the main characters' relationship veered into romance territory kinda quickly. It's not that the romance itself doesn't make sense (it does) or they don't have any chemistry (they do) but it kinda veers from totally platonic to OH NO I LOVE HER kinda quickly. But it doesn't weigh this story down that much and I might just have not read carefully enough or something.

Once again this was really cute and it's made me really curious about the fic the main characters come from. Is it on Thousand Roads? I kinda wanna see!
 

Nubushi

しぶい
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. slowpoke-hgss
  2. togekiss-nubushi
cynsh said:
I thought that Shaice thinking 'So much has changed since then', would be a good enough indicator that some time had passed. Maybe you missed that? I'm not a big fan of signposting timeskips like 6 Months Later at the start of a new section.
I believe my interpretation when I saw that phrase was that the situation had changed quite a bit, overnight. Changes can happen suddenly, after all. One day, Shaice is just hanging out with his friends, without a care in the world. As of the very next day after that (which doesn't appear in your story), he has to find a way to start bringing food out to Faoz, he has to start sneaking around and hiding his actions, and he has to come up with excuses for why he sometimes can't hang out with his friends like usual. I hear you about not wanting to use a big heading like "6 months later." But it would still be possible to give a rough indication of how much time has passed just by slipping in something like, "so much has changed in the months since then." But, it's your story, so your decision. Possibly other readers would assume the passage of time just from the "since then," which I didn't.
 
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