• Welcome to Thousand Roads! You're welcome to view discussions or read our stories without registering, but you'll need an account to join in our events, interact with other members, or post one of your own fics. Why not become a member of our community? We'd love to have you!

    Join now!

Pokémon Exquisite Corpse 2022: Oops All Quag I

SparklingEspeon

Back on Her Bullshit
Staff
Location
a Terrace of Indeterminate Location in Snowbelle
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. espurr
  2. fennekin
  3. zoroark
The mythical quagsire rears its head once again for the second Oops All Quag Corpse! Prepare to be spirited away to a world of detectives, pirates, superheroes, and most importantly -- all the quags you could ever hope or dream for. Our eight authors have provided a truly riveting journey for the budding quag enthusiast today, listed in alphabetical order below:


And without further ado, let's begin the quagging!



PART I
It looked like rain tonight.

Dusk draped over Chiaroscuro City. The sound of honking automobiles pulling in and out of carparks singing the ballads of lost hopes and dreams of the minimum wage worker. Taking the front row seat was a cheap apartment complex, standing tall in all its monochrome glory.

However, it appeared that one of the residents was not so eager to listen to the music. One of the windows on the thirteenth floor had their blinds shut tight and the resident within had his beady eyes shut even tighter. He probably would have remained in bed to sleep off this hangover like he did every evening but the piercing ring of his answering machine had other plans.

With a low grumble, the resident dragged himself out of bed to answer the phone, holding a bottle of cheap bourbon in one fin and seven cigarettes in the other. Like every other resident in this Quagforsaken city, he was a quagsire. However, unlike every other resident in this Quagforsaken city, he lived his life upside down. Nobody knew the how or the why, it was just how he was. On his desk was a nametag with Detective Erisgauq messily scrawled across it.

The telephone rang for about a minute before Erisgauq answered. When he did, he didn’t see it fit to speak. The other side could hear his brooding grunts just fine.

“Mmm?”

“Qu-qu-quag-quag-quag?”

“Hmm…”

“Qu-quag! Quag-quag-ag!”

“Mmhmmmmm.”

Erisgauq didn’t wait for a rebuttal. He hung up the phone and took a whiff of his cigarettes, rubbing his blank features as he did so.

It looked like he had a long night ahead of him.

He donned his hat and made his way to the police station. It was about a five minute walk. Enough to take in the dark sights and sounds of the city, feeling the deluge of heavy rain soak his entire form.

When he arrived, Officer McQuagington was there to greet him at the front desk. Erisgauq gave him an appraising look from atop the brim of his hat before nodding. The officer gestured to one of the hallways. McQuagington would help but the chief wanted Erisgauq alone for now.

So Erisgauq continued down the once sterile white halls that were now home to all sorts of grunge and decay. A prevailing symbol of the cops being more of an afterthought these days. It was a Quag miracle that he was called in at all.

He didn’t even need to knock at the chief of police’s door. He already knew he was coming.

Police Chief Sir-Sire watched the detective walk in with a vacant expression. “Quaaaaaaaag,” he greeted, gesturing towards the massive folder filled with papers that sat on the desk.

Erisgauq nodded, taking the first sheet in the folder to read and scrutinise. As he did, Sir-Sire began walking him through the contents of the folder.

“Qu-qu-quag, qua-quag. Quag-quag-qua-qu--”

“Mhm. Mhm. Mmmm…”

The exchanged continued for many hours until Erisgauq’s gaze snagged on a very specific detail, causing his eyes to narrow.

A pirated copy of Quagsire Party DS.

His fists slammed on the desk, startling the police chief. “Unquag,” Erisgauq grizzled out.

Inkedust

PART II

Erisquaq’s anger threatened to boil over as he stared deep into the police chief’s eyes. There were many crimes he could forgive, given the right circumstances. Murder. Arson. Jaywalking. He could imagine scenarios where they were acceptable. But pirating Quagtendo games? That was an affront to the great Lord Quag themselves, and everything the law stood for. Why, that was grounds for life imprisonment! Or at least, it should be.

“Quag quag unquag,” Erisqauq growled, leaning in. The chief shrank back at his tone, folding in on himself like crumpled paper. His words may have been harsh, but it made his intent clear: they were taking on this case, whether the chief liked it or not.

The chief gave him a miniscule nod of affirmation, slowly reaching onto his desk to grab his rubber quagsire stress ball. Erisgauq snorted back. He stood up straight, a strand of mucus connecting him to the table for a brief moment. Then he thumped his tail on the ground and turned, marching out of the office.

Quagsly, an unusual feathered quagsire, stood just outside. She tilted her head as he passed. “Quag?” she asked.

Erisguaq shook his head. “Unquag,” he replied tartly. Then he jerked his head towards his own office, gesturing for her to follow.

The two bundled down the hall, ignoring the curious gazes of other workers. Neither spoke another word, but the air between them was tense.

Erisgauq’s office was at the end of the hall, a cramped little space barely big enough for two Quagsire, made worse by the ever-growing stacks of paper and the buiten board Erisgauq kept all his clues on. And yet, here they were, slipping into the room where a third, poisonous quagsire waited.

The brown quagsire thumped his tail impatiently as Quagsly and Erisgauq made themselves comfortable. Once he was settled, Erisgauq gave him a nod; yes, they’d take on his piracy case.

windskull

PART III
Getting to the bottom of things and tracking down the stolen goods would require heading to the seediest part of town along the docks, where ships loaded and unloaded their cargo. Lots of rough characters in these parts, in all shapes and sizes. You’d see tall, burly Quagsire and short, wide Quagsire and long, serpentine Quagsire. The diversity was staggering.

Quagsly kept an eye out as he and his partner strode down the harbor, doing their best to look like they belonged. That was a more difficult task than one might imagine, though. After all, what rube can’t tell one Quagsire from another?

Quagsly’s keen eyes narrowed in on one in particular—a warehouse of some kind. The building was Quagsire-shaped like all the others, yet somehow more sinister.

“That’s got to be the pirates’ hideout,” Quagsly said, stroking his chin.

Erisgauq nodded sagely.

The duo made their way around to the back, where a sturdy-looking door lay. Surely it would be a bad idea to barge right in…? But then, fortune favored the bold. And it wasn’t as if they had time to waste—the shipment was due to head out later this day. This might be the only opportunity they’d get to recover the stolen goods.

And so, throwing caution to the wind, Quagsly grabbed the door handle and pulled.

It didn’t move. He tried again, putting more of his weight into it this time. Again, there was no movement. Finally, he pushed all his weight against it, only for his tail to rather-audibly smack into some empty crates piles up next to the door.

The sound of movement came from the other side, and Quagsly quickly arranged himself to look more dignified right as the viewhole slid open.

A gruff face peeked out. “What’s the password?” they growled.

Quagsly blanched. He wasn’t prepared for this. He could only rely on his sharp intellect to adapt to this unexpected situation.

“Uh… quag?”

The eyes narrowed at him, but the door swung open all the same, revealing an incredibly buff Quagsire, covered in rippling muscles. “Alright, maybe that one was too easy. What’re yeh here for, eh?”

Quagsly felt his heart sink. This investigation was already off to a terrible start. He turned to his trusty partner, who would surely be able to come up with a good cover story.

Erisgauq thought for a moment and then replied, “Quag.”

The pirate leered at him for a few seconds, then broke into boisterous laughter. “Well, why didn’t yeh say so?” he boomed. “Right this way.”

The pirate stepped aside, allowing Quagsly and Erisgauq to enter the hideout. Quagsly could hardly believe their luck—they’d track down those stolen goods in no time.

Chibi Pika

PART IV
The hideout was filled with all kinds of Quagtastic paraphernalia: Quag Jewels, Quag Gold, Quag art. It was a Quagoisseur’s dream come true.

But then, displayed proudly above the Quag-like seat was the Quaggest of treasures: the Eye of the Quagsire.

“I have done many a spelunking in my days,” Quagxly the Pirate mused. “For forty years, I have Quagged the Quaggest.” He mumbled to himself, “Quag it. Why is forty not spelled with a ‘u’?”

Quagsly whispered to their companion Erisquag: “That’s it! That’s our ticket to the heart of Queen Quagsire.”

“There’s no way Quagxly will give it away so easily.”

“Give it? Of course he wouldn’t give it away. Trade it, however…”

“What are you implying?”

Quagsly stepped forward and said to Quagxly, “That’s a fine gem you have up there, dear Quag.”

“Quag it is.”

“Don’t you mean ‘indeed’?”

“That’s a different Pokémon.”

Quagsly rolled his eyes. “Whatever. It’s a very fine gem. Where did you get it from?”

“The Dollar Quag.”

“How much was it?”

“Five dollars.”

“Typical Dollar Quag,” Quagsly mumbled. Then they spoke again: “How much would you be willing to pay for it?”

Quagxly laughed. “Silly fool, there is nothing on the planet Quag that could match the value of the Eye of the Quag… except, that is, for a performance of ‘Buddies and Friends’ from ‘Charlie’s Quagsires’ masterpiece of television ‘Chorus Line Quagsire’.”

“This sounds like a reference only the author Quagsire would know,” Erisquag said.

“Fine. Instead, I will ask for a simpler request: you must dance the Quaggest of dances, and I will give you the Eye of the Quagsire.”

Torchic W. Pip

PART V
“Quag?!” exclaimed Quagette. Clutching her head, she looked down at her feet. She could do many things, with very quaggy attributes—but dancing was not one of them. She was light on her feet, and leapt and danced all about dance rooms with free-spirited energy and flair.

She gazed into the eyes of the sage Erisquag as he stared back at her beneath the purple starry brim of his hat. Bushy white eyebrows shaded his sparkling eyes, eyebrows that perfectly matched the white beard that trailed to the floor. He held the Staff of Quag in his left hand, and the Quagged Orb sparkled with an otherworldly aura.

Quagette needed the Eye of the Quagsire—but dancing was out of the question.

“Maybe we can go back to the author Quagsire—" she began, but Sir Quag stepped forward before she could say another word.

“Don’t be quag-diculous, Quagette,” Sir Quag said. From beneath the vizor of his armoured helmet, he met Erisquag’s even gaze. “If dancing the Quaggest dances must be done, then I will do it.”

“You do realize,” Erisquag croaked, “that if you succeed, your dance may summon something… more… than you are ready for.”

“I do.”

“Sir Quag, no!” Quagette shouted. “There must be a quagger way!”

“We have no time to waste, Quagette!” he said firmly. “If the Quaggest dance must be danced, then I will do it! I will defend your honour and get the Eye of the Quagsire for us!”

Before Quagette could say another word, Sir Quag began his dance—it was, indeed the Quaggest of dances: he constantly stumbled, tripping over his own feet, knocking Erisquag’s various bottles and charms off the shelves and onto the floor. Quagette gazed awestruck as Sir Quag flailed and wailed—even Erisquag couldn’t resist clapping in admiration!

“Bravo!” he exclaimed as Sir Quag flopped on the floor, a cacophony of metal and glass falling all around him. “That was quagger than I had ever hoped—the Eye is yours!”

But before they could retrieve the Eye of the Quagsire, the three of them looked up at a deep rumbling sound: the roof of Erisquag’s cottage was ripped off, and a giant creature with enormous, beefy arms loomed over them, inhaled deeply, and bellowed.

“QUAGDOR!”

Starlight Aurate

PART VI

“Oh no!” Erisquag said dramatically. “One of Quagalixious’s Mega Quag Goons.” Quagador stood between him and the Eye of the Quagsire he had so long sought. He’d come too far to be stopped now. The Eye of the Quagsire was the only thing that could save his kingdom.

He glanced at his two companions, Quiresag and Sirequag. “Even together we can’t defeat that thing, it's too huge! There’s only one way.”

As if to add to the point, Quagdor gave a great bellow, shaking the earth.

“Alright then! It’s time!” Sirequag said, gesturing animatedly.

The three of them traded looks, then nodded in dramatic synchronization. “It’ssss quagging time! Quagsire Grid, Activate!” They drew a Q in the air with their flippers, and posed. A great glow surrounded the three of them. Three silhouettes of light rose behind each of them, looking like the mighty Quagsire of Old. Glowing armor swirled, then fitted onto their bodies, encasing them in QuagArmor.

Then shards of light manifested in their flippers, forming weapons - Sword of Quag, Twin Axes of Quag and Staff of Quag

With their new Quag Armor and weapons, the three faced down their mighty foe.

Erisquag’s voice rang out as he brandished his sword. “Mighty Quag Rangers, Unite! Attack!”

They roared and sprang into the air, weapons drawn. Erisquag swung his sword down, striking Quagador in the leg. It howled and fell to one knee, as Quiresag struck swift blows with her twin axes. Sirequag expertly spun his staff and brought it down Quagdor’s head.

Quagador staggered, straining, looking ready to collapse when - A terrible red light shone down from the sky, bathing Quagador in its light. It’s eyes lit up and it began to grow... and grow.... And grow.

Until it dwarfed even the tallest tower Erisquag had ever seen.

“Wow, talk about super-sizing me!” Sirequag exclaimed. “Well you know what they say! Go big-”

Quiresag interjected, “-or go home!”

Erisquag nodded, then raised a flipper. “Super summon! Mega Quagazord!” A metallic roar sounded, and a titanic robot thundered into view. Erisquag, Sirequag and Quiresag vanished, reappearing inside the Mega Quagazord. “Quag Rangers, Attack!”

Flyg0n

PART VII

The Quag Rangers were greeted by their most menacing of foes: Dark Lord Quagsith, Evil Sorceror Of Quagdom.

"FOOLS!" he shouted. "You have not yet seen my ultimate weapon, the QUAG CANNON!"

He used his dark magic to open a portal, from which emerged a massive gun that was also a Quagsire.

"This device will soon blow Quagopolist to smithereens! SMITHEREENS I TELL YOU!"

The Quag Rangers knew they needed to act fast. That sure was an ultimate weapon. But if they could find its weakness...

"Mega Quagazord... PUNCH!"

Mega Quagazord's fist slammed into the cannon... to no effect! Also the cannon was already charging.

"FOOLS!" screamed Dark Lord Quagsith. "This cannon does not bend to your puny attacks! It is only weak to - oops, almost gave myself away there."

"Come on, you can tell us!" implored Erisquag.

"But then you'd destroy the cannon and ruin my plan!"

"Please?" asked Sirequag.

"No." scoffed Quagsith

"Pretty please?" begged Quiresag.

"No!" yelled Quagsith.

"....Pretty please with a cherry on top?" asked Ersiquag.

"I SAID NO!" snarled Quagsith.

"Darn. I do say this is a pretty nice cannon."

The Quag Cannon immediately exploded in a shower of confetti.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Quagsith. "The cannon is weak to COMPLIMENTS!"

He snarled. "But no matter. I have an even MORE ultimate weapon up my sleeve!"

Dark energy swirled around Quagsith. He began to transform, into a being far mightier than the Quag Rangers could ever imagine. Soon they were faced with the might of the bringer of the Quaggest Day: QUAGTERNATUS

Umbramatic

PART VIII

Quagternatus… a name that shook even the gods to their very core. Its snake-like body was an amalgamation of all things quag: a long, flopping tail that could crush skyscrapers, a mouth that could swallow even the mightiest of Quagsire whole without a second thought, its thousands of hands all reaching out to wave goodbye to quagvilization as they all knew it… And of course, tying it all together was its infinitely long fin – the Infininfin!

Yet despite the overwhelming, incomprehensible threat before them, Captain Quag’s expression remained as unflinchingly as ever. He would match the peril with patience even if it dragged on for eternity. It was for his squad of quag – his squag – after all. He slowly and methodically raised his arm.

“Quag Rangers,” he called out in his composed, commanding voice, “Commence: ‘Easy does it.’”

The other rangers gasped at their squag leader’s audacious command. Had their captain gone insane at the sight of the living legend?

“How could you say that at a time like this?!” Sir Sire, his right-hand mon balked, “That maneuver is too risky! No Quagsire has ever performed it and remained alive!”

Captain Quag simply stared up the beast before them as he kept his everlasting smile. “Easy does it, Sir Sire,” he repeated.

Their intelligence officer’s jaw dropped to the floor. “There’s only a 0.195% chance that this will succeed! The energy expenditure of the move… It's too much, Captain! You’ll—”

“Easy does it, Quagton.”

“Please, sir, you can’t do this!” Sireen, their communications operator pleaded, “To go beyond the sluggish nature of Quag… to try to dial from ‘carefree’ to ‘easy does it’... think about your family, Captain Quag!”

“My family will quag praises when we save the world. We must put forth some energy to this now. We cannot lazily quag our way out of this one.” The captain stood firm on his stance.

Within all the dissent stood their largest and strongest. He took a flop to his captain’s side as he proclaimed, “Quaggoth… does it easy… for captain… for world!”

The others’ eyes widened as they saw their team’s muscle take the side of their captain. The Quagsires all slowly turned to one another as they silently debated on what to do.

“QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG…” the monster looming over them leisurely roared as their gaping maw slowly unhinged, revealing a black void for which no quag could escape from.

Out of options and time, the other three rangers agreed as they waddled to their captain’s side. The captain’s smile widened just ever-so-slightly as he proclaimed, “Quag for one, quag for all!”

The Quagsire all flopped onto their bellies at once with newfound determination. They swam along the ground and surrounded the bellowing beast with sweat-stained foreheads. Doing more than the bare minimum took an unbelievable amount of grit, but they managed to inch their way into position.

Captain Quag himself stood stalwart as he took on the buffet of winds from Quagternatus’s next shout. Quagternatus’s eyes glared down at the miniscule morsel of a Quagsire beneath them as they slowly approached.

“Three… two… one…” Captain Quag whispered to himself before finally shouting, “Now!”

All five Quag Rangers placed their heads beneath the beast and elongated their mouths as far as they could. They grunted in pain as the massive monster pressed down threatening to flatten them into paste. They quagged as hard as they could, but it wasn’t enough. Quagternatus’s weight was as great as the weight of the world upon their shoulders. If they didn’t make out of this, then all would be lost.

With what little energy he had to spare, Captain Quag commenced the final phase of the plan. He rolled onto his head as he performed a mock handstand and quagged harder than he ever quagged before. The five rangers managed to slowly… inch… Quagternatus… up…

The captain let out his own quag in a burst of sudden strength as the mighty Quagternatus flipped onto their back with a surprised, agonized cry. The very planet trembled as Quagternatus landed and their mouth was now upside down!

Just as the prophecies foretold, when Quagternatus unquagged, all that is evil and stressful in the world would be forever cleaned and relaxed. A wave of pure unbridled easygoingness surged throughout the world as the Quagsire all over let out a lazy cheer of a quag. Soon, the wave looped back around as Quagternatus faded into light – for it, too, was an excessive stressor. The rangers joined in the cheer. They had done it. They defeated Quagternatus!

However, it was not without sacrifice. The flopped Quagsire swam and crawled over to where their former squag leader had stood. He had gone beyond the limits of any Quagsire. He showcased what it truly meant to put in… effort. A feat that no Quagsire should ever try unless they knew it was their time. The rangers all laid in silent remembrance as they gazed up at the clouds in the sky.

A curious hum echoed out of Sir Sire’s lips. “I wonder… Quagton, do you know how we may honor all that the captain has done for us?”

Quagton’s mouth opened as he leisurely pulled out his quagputer. “I think… I do,” he replied with a smile. After a few minutes of very slow taps, he showed off his idea to the others. “What do you think?”

“‘Quag’ and ‘Unquag’... I think it’s perfect,” Sireen nodded in agreement.

“Quaggoth think… Captain out there. Quagging and Unquagging for all.”

Sireen tittered. “Who knows? Maybe the gods out there have immortalized him in a way just like this.”

Sir Sire let out a playful scoff. “I suppose they do say there are a thousand roads to trail when once has let out their last quag.”

The former second-in-command Quagsire flopped up from his as he looked directly at each of his comrades. “Now then… Quag Rangers…” Sir Sire, the new captain began, “All together now! Quag for one,”

“Quag for all!”

MintyMimix
 
Top Bottom