Another corpse posted late, this is the first of this year's Oops, All Quag! corpses! Here you'll find philosophy, astronomy, apocalypse, and of course, lots and lots of quagsire. Here are all the authors who put this one together for us:
This one was a great time! I hope you'll all enjoy reading. Once again, thanks to all the writers who helped make this glorious abomination happen!
Part One
Bethany nearly slipped off her office chair in surprise when the intercom called out for her. This happened every time the intercom called, which made it part of her daily routine. Bethany liked routine – she liked that she worked in a slow-paced, predictable environment. A laboratory staffed entirely by quagsire only had an exciting shakeup one or two days in a year! Today, though, might just be one of those days.
She waddled from her workdesk to the reception of Clevergill Labs, passing by glass display cases containing some of the Clevergill family's most famous inventions – the edible hat; the wearable mattress; the colour 'grurple'; vanity numberplates; protective plastic cases for bananas; the board game 'Monopoly' – all strokes of genius by Bethany's ancestors. One day she'd invent something that belonged with these extraordinary discoveries.
Bethany arrived in the foyer, and her face split open in an enormous grin when she saw the package destined for her. The young quagsire holding the box could barely get his stubby arms around each side, but his face remained cheerfully vacant as he waited for her.
"Hello! Are you Bethany Clevergill?"
"Hello!" she replied. "Yes, I am!"
There was a pause, as both of them exchanged gawping grins for several seconds.
"This is for you!" said the delivery quagsire, at last. "You can have it!"
"Thank you so much!" said Bethany, moving to take it from him. Several minutes of awkward fumbling for the two pokémon to pass the enormous object from one to the other, but quagsire are nothing if not patient with their problems. Eventually, the receptionist remembered that they existed, and looked up from her crossword.
"Have you tried putting it down first?" she asked.
Bethany and the courier looked at each other and thought hard. Had they tried that? No, they hadn't.
"Let's try that!" said Bethany, with enthusiasm.
"Okay!" replied the courier.
Moments later, the advanced technique of putting a heavy object down before a new quagsire picks it up had paid off. Instead of the courier holding the box, Bethany was now holding it.
"Gosh, miss! You sure are clever to think of that," said the courier, beaming happily. "I guess that's why you work in a laboratory!"
Bethany smiled vacantly back for a second, pleased at the praise. Then she laughed.
"Actually, I think Mary over there suggested it, really!" she said. "She's so smart, you know. She only takes two or three weeks to do one of those crosswords she likes."
Mary looked proud and contemplative as she looked off into the distance, musing on her responsibilities as the laboratory's administrative staff. Either that, or she'd achieved true enlightenment by emptying her head of any and all intelligent thought. Bethany did that too, sometimes as many as five times a day!
She thanked the courier for his delivery, and waddled back to her desk to put down the package. Gradually, working her way through each brain-teasing step of the process, she opened it. She patted herself on the back – or really just the shoulder, since she could reach it – for not only figuring out she should use a boxcutter to get through the tape, but also remembering where the boxcutter was kept! She was truly a staggering intellect among quag-kind, though she'd never tell anyone else she thought so. Bragging wasn't a very good look on a quagsire her age!
A knock at the office door told her she had company. She turned around, bumping the desk with her tail as she did, to see her colleague Henry Mildwaters approaching. Now, he was a true intellect among quagsires, the cognitive equal of any salamander. There were rumours that he was even capable of mental multiplication, but Bethany knew better than to believe anyone could do something so outlandish.
"Good afternoon, Bethany," he said, going slightly cross-eyed from the mental strain of remembering the time of day.
"Good afternoon, Henry!" she replied, her mouth falling open in a guileless grin.
They admired each other for a moment. Two amphibians of a kind, they were. Their conversations were so intellectually stimulating, it sometimes left Bethany near-breathless.
"What's that box you've got there?" asked Henry, tilting his head in blank incomprehension.
"Oh! Well, it's the new pizza oven I ordered for the lab," explained Bethany, waving her arms in excitement. "We're having that open day at the lab today, remember? We put out posters advertising that there would be free pizza. Now we're all set!"
Henry nodded in thoughtful admiration. He put a hand to his mouth with a wet slap, and stroked his chin. A bright, beautiful thought was forming in his brain. Bethany held her breath as she waited for Henry's titanic mind to work its magic. At last, Henry looked at her and spoke.
"Did you also buy pizza ingredients?" he asked.
Bethany shook her head, not yet understanding. "Ingredients...?" she asked, rubbing her head with one hand.
"Yes," said Henry, very seriously. "You need dough, and cheese, and tomato sauce to make a pizza. At least!"
Bethany's mouth could only open and close in stunned confusion.
Henry held his head in his hands and waddled to the office windows. "Oh no," he moaned, as he looked out. "They're already here!"
Bethany flopped onto the floor and plodded over to her colleague's side. Through the glass, she could see countless quagsire in the street outside. They must all have turned up for the open day, expecting free pizza. Free pizza she could not possibly provide.
"Do you have any idea what you've done?" cried Henry, his gaping mouth distending wide open in utter dismay at the sea of gawping amphibian bodies outside the lab.
Beside him, Bethany stared at her moist, blue, salamander hands, and wept great tears of remorse – but it was already too late to undo her mistake.
Part Two
"The whole world will become made of Quagsire!" Henry went on, shaking Bethany urgently. "It will be like that thing about the gingerbread people living in gingerbread houses! Living inside buildings made of living flesh!"
Outside the window, more Quagsire grew out of the pile like balloons. The walls of the lab were beginning to bulge out disturbingly, texture shifting into a glossy, wet blue.
"Quick, Bethany, we must get outside!" Henry pulled her along with his flipper, making for the door just as it inflated into a rounded sausage shape. He grabbed the handle and threw it open just before a wide mouth split open in the middle of the former door, revealing a slimy pink tongue.
"Quaaaag," said the former door. Bethany stared at it in horror, frozen, as more Quagsire heads and tails popped out of the walls.
"Come!"
Henry dragged her outside, wading through the slowly expanding sea of smaller Quagsire.
"What do we do now?" Bethany squeaked, her face tear-stricken. "How can we--"
"There's nothing we can do," Henry said, not looking at her as he pulled her along. "You've doomed the world."
"Quag!" said one of the billions of Quagsire, grinning an oblivious grin at Bethany.
"Why aren't they speaking?" Bethany whispered, too shocked to process anything else. "Just... 'quag'?"
"They were never meant to be," Henry said darkly. "Perhaps that's what happens when you try to transform inorganic matter into life. It can only become a cheap imitation, a grotesque caricature of sapience."
Bethany hesitated. Kaylee, the human-turned-Quagsire, her lover, the one she had done all this for, had once said she came from a world where Pokémon didn't build labs, didn't speak to each other in a way she could understand. The humans did, but the Pokémon only said syllables of their names.
Perhaps... someone in that world had committed the same sin. Perhaps all Pokémon there were the result of alchemy, a putrid effort to create life that never should have been.
"I only wanted to bring her back," Bethany whispered. Layers of Quagsire reached their flippers out to her, trying to pull her back, to assimilate her into the mindless horde. Henry had begun to try to fight them off, firing off Mud Bombs to clear their way, his flipper still wrapped around hers.
"We'd all like to bring back the ex-human heroes, Bethany," Henry said, grim, shooting a Mud Shot that felled a deluge of crowding mini-Quagsire like a set of bowling pins. "But instead, what you've done is doom the planet to become a nightmare sphere of flailing brainless imitations of Quagsire, able only to quag their names into all eternity until the sun goes out in the sky."
Part Three
“I’m sorry!” Bethany says. She flicks a mini-Quag trying to latch onto their limb and it goes flying high into the sky. Yet, for the one she fended off, many more encroach her. Henry spits another Mud Shot but instead shooting a projectile, a spattering of mud splashes on the floor. He has run out of power points.
They both flee. Bethany hops and grabs a branch of a nearby tree and pulls herself up into the canopy, just as mini-quags throw themselves against the trunk like a wave ramming against a cliff. Henry’s not so lucky - he trips. He fails to scramble up in time before mini-Quags hop onto his legs and pin him down.
“No, Henry!” Bethany shouts, watching helplessly as a sea of Quag washes consumes him. His limbs and head poke out through all the chaos while he struggles. It’s only a matter of time before she’s consumed herself - the Quag climb upon each other, reaching upwards while Quaging in a hellish cacophony.
“Henry! We can’t beat them! What do we do now?”
Henry surfaces his head, just long enough to shout words out. “There’s only one thing left we can do: Accept our fate and join them!”
The village teems with joviality. Mini-Quags jump around a circle clapping and dancing while large Quagsires beat on their drums and holler to the music. Woopers waver around the branches of the swamp trees, waving torches around. In the middle, Bethany and Henry sit on their knees, their bodies stuffed into Quagsire costumes. They show a gentle smile - the celebration is uplifting, despite the defeat.
All the Woopers and Quagsires quiet down. Ahead of the couple, the Chief Executive Officer of Quagsire steps into the festival ring. He wears a pristine blazer and a blue tie. He holds two large mascot heads under his arms, each the shape of Quagsire heads. Everyone bows.
“Bethany and Henry! We are pleased to you have seen the light! We welcome you into our wondrous domain!” he says, with a thick Quagsire accent. The village cheers to his words, but a wave of hushes quiet them down once more.
“We will forgive and forget your transgressions, for it is the duty of the family to love one another! And tonight we celebrate our growing family!”
The crowd cheers even louder this time. The Quags give up keeping themself calm and cheer with every sentence the CEO says.
“I have come today, in witness of our Quagsire brethren, to enter you into our ways! From this day on, you shall be brother Henry and Sister Bethany, fellow Quagsire in life and death!”
Henry and Bethany bow their heads to the ground.
“We’re so grateful! I didn’t think we’d be accepted..” Henry says.
“Thank you, CEO, for everything. We are humbled” Bethany says.
The Quagsire boss. “Hush, my children. We always support family far and wide. Now, raise your heads.”
The two raise their heads. Tears down run their cheeks. They haven’t realized just how much they needed love and support their own parents never gave them. They say nothing as the Quagsire CEO places their masks upon them, completing their transformation into Quagsire. “You are Quagsire!”
Both new Quagsires lunge out to hug their new corporate father. The festivities resume, music and cheering blaring to life. The night becomes long, drinks as sweet as honey flowing, and tireless camaraderie shared among all the family members.
It is sunrise. The horizon is brushed with vivid swathes of orange and red. Tall shadows crawl on the mountain’s face as the valley village basks in the morning’s first light. The air is fresh and simple.
Bethany, Henry, and a small army of Quagsires and Woopers walk out of the forest. They gather at the edge. The dressed-up Quagsire makes his way through and walks ahead, soon turning around. “Sons and daughters! Our mission continues! Brother Henry and Sister Bethany, lead our Quagsire family into this village and bring more of the world into our loving embrace!” The CEO of Quagsire says. The Quagsires, Woopers, and mini-Quags around all roar in passion, exhilirated to charge in.
Part Four
Quagella and Quagerine beamed as they were welcomed into the village of New Quagsville, their tails wagging as they waddled inside. Finally, after months in the Quaglands, they found somewhere they could comfortably call home.
It was a nice home, shaped like a Quagsire's head, just like every other home in New Quagsville. It was beautiful. It was lovely. It was Quag.
Now, to settle in. They unpacked their luggage, filled with Quagsire-shaped furniture. They plugged the TV that looked like a Quagsire was eating it into the Quagsire-shaped electrical socket, leapt onto the Quagsire-patterned couch, and readied themselves for a nice episode of Masterquag.
They looked out the window at Sun Quag, whose radiant light shone upon the entirety of planet Quag, as well as planets Quacrery, Qunus, Quars, Qupiter, Quaturn, Quranus, Quatune, and even Quato, though the latter's status as a planet was under hot debate by Quagsires who worked at QASA.
The sky was littered with clouds in the shape of Quagsires by day, and Quaggy stars by night, each gleaming Quagsire face a point in the sky from which a Quagsire could be drawn. Sometimes, deep in the wild Quags, other galaxies could be seen. Who knew what kinds of Quags lay within them? Just another one of the many mysteries of the Quagmos.
Time passed on, warped by Quag holes, and if one were to draw the timeline of the Quagverse out, it would take the shape of a Quagsire. If one were to sketch out the observable Quagverse, it would be in the shape of a Quagsire.
All is Quag.
Part Five
And in the beginning, there was Quag.
Koaquagmaru knew it was his destiny to find The One, the Original Quag. He would be the one to capture the Quag, harness the Quag, be the Quag. It was this quest that has led him to where he is now: scaling the tallest mountain in the world, Mt. Quagerest.
He turned to his trusty purrloin partner, Salem. “Smell anything?”
Salem shook her head sadly. “Quag.”
Koaguagmaru sighed. “I knew I should have let Steven Quag come with us. He would have found the Quaggiest cave on this mountain already.” But on second thought, Steven would have brought his Quaggron with him, who was pretty intimidating. So maybe this was for the best.
“Quag?” Salem meowed. She looked at him questioningly, but Koaquagmaru shook his head.
“We can’t make camp yet. We can make it a bit further.”
Yes, they would keep going. They had to. They would find the Original Quag, and that would show them…it would show them all. He thought of all the naysayers: Odette Quag-Mars and the way she shook her head with a small frown (“You know that’s just a fairy tale, right, kid?”); Nathaniel Quagan who laughed himself hoarse when he first heard of Koaquagmaru’s quest; Wallace Quagakiss who said, in a delicate tone, “I know Steven’s encouraging you, but I think this is too dangerous for someone so young. Why don’t you wait until you’re older?”
But, what fueled him even further were those who cheered him along the way. He thought of May Wallquag, his childhood best friend, who told him with a wide grin that she couldn’t wait to hear about his adventures upon his return, and his other friend Jade Quagens who nodded and smiled in agreement. He thought of his Tropius friend Quageane, who said, “This is so exciting! You’re going to become a hero!”
Yes. He would do it for them. For those who believed. He would find the One, the Original Quag, and become the hero of the Quagverse.
Part Six
“Oh, silly Ash. There’s no such thing as a Quagverse.” May said as she unfolded her sleeping bag.
“But there is! It says here in this book!” Ash retorted, showing her once again the book labeled The Legendary Story of the Quagverse: Volume 1. “The author mentioned that this story is based on a true story! So, it must be real!”
May sighed, folding her arms. “Ash, do you believe that nonsense? It’s a fictional story.” May said with an added emphasis on “fictional”. “It’s not real. It’s just a fairy tale story that the author wrote for kids… and grown-up kids.”
“Hey! I’m not a grown-up kid!”
“Ash, you’re ten years old.” May said in a joking tone.
“Either way, I’m sure it’s true! You’ll see! Right, Max?”
Max adjusted his glasses and looked up at Ash. “Alf, I’m seven and even I’m smart enough to know that story is just a bunch of fiction.”
“Do you have proof? And for the last time, my name is Ash!”
“Yeah, I do.” Max replied with a smirk. “It’s called “fictional stories”, you know, like the bedtime stories that your mom used to read to you when you were five.”
“Aw come on! Back me up on this one, will you, Max?”
“Sorry Ash, but big sis is right. It’s just a fictional story.”
“Why you…” Ash sighed, pinching the nose of his bridge. “Okay, fine. You win.”
May giggled and said, “Oh Ash, you’re so dense. If you want, I could read you that book for you as a bedtime story to help you sleep.”
“Alright, how about I-”
Brock intervened before either of them got a chance to clash. “Okay guys, we better get some rest anyway. It’s getting late so let’s call it a day.”
Little did they know, in the outskirts of the forest, a mysterious Quag was watching them from the shadows… waiting and biding their time. What does this shadowy Quag want from Ash and his friends? The answer to that is a mystery… for now.
Part Seven
Shadowy Quag clapped its slimy flippers, a wet smack rippled through the air as purple smoke rose from beneath it.
The smoke slithered towards Ash like a snake diving for its prey and aside from a surprised yelp, the duo didn't have enough time to react as the smoke reached into their nostrils, rendering them powerless as changes began to occur over their bodies.
"Pika pi!" Pikachu cried out, glaring at the Shadowy Quagsire as electricity surged from his cheeks and sped towards the Shadowy Quagsire, eliciting a pain cry from it as it flew off into the sky.
With his foe launched far far away, Pikachu glanced back at his trainer before running through the purple smoke in a panicked search for him.
"Pika pi! Pikachu!" he shouted, looking around frantically. He caught a whiff of his trainer's scent before running towards the direction it came from and jumping onto the first body he'd come upon.
"Ugh," Ash drawled at the sudden weight on his chest. "Pikachu? What happened? Why do I feel so…" He blinked, staring at his newly-formed flippers with an incredulous look. "Wh-what happened to my hands?" Blinking once more, he stared at the face of his long-time partner who was currently undergoing the Quagsir-fication. "Pi-Pikachu! What's going on?"
"Pi-Pika pi!" Pikachu jumped off, staring at his paws in shock as Ash-Quag looked on in horror.
What was Ash-Quag to do? He had never seen something like this before, was it that Quagsire's doing?
He clicked his tongue as a groan caught his attention, reminding him of who was accompanying him.
Turning, he shouted, "Goh! Something's wrong with Pikachu!" His eyes widened in shock as a portal opened beneath his friend who, for some reason, was also a Quagsire, and sucked him in. "Goh!"
"As-Ash!" a familiar yet at the same time not, voice cried out.
Ash-Quag glanced at the voice, seeing the same portal forming below his partner. "Pikachu!" He sprinted towards his partner, nearly falling over his new feet as he jumped, grabbing his partner as they fell into the portal together.
A portal opened as they fell onto the hard and rough ground.
Ash-Quag was quick to recover as he checked on Pika-Quag, he let out a yelp, his mouth agape as he took in his partner's new form. "Pikachu? Is that you?"
The Quagsire, presumably Pikachu, nodded and tilted his head. "Ash? Why are you a Quagsire?"
"You can talk?!" he exclaimed before furrowing his non-existent brows. "Wait, what do you mean by–" He froze, staring at his new body and letting out a panicked scream. "Ah! I'm a Quagsire! Why am I a Quagsire?"
Pika-Quag chimed in with an "I don't know!" as the boy-turned-Quag ran about, screaming his head off like a headless chicken.
In the midst of his running and screaming, he hadn't been paying attention to his surroundings and subsequently crashed into another Quagsire.
"Wah!" Falling onto the floor with a harsh thud, Pika-Quag rushed to his side.
"Ash! Are you okay?"
Ash-Quag waved him away, chuckling at his partner's concern. "I'm fine. I'm fine. Don't worry, Pikachu." He blinked, nervously glancing at the person he'd bumped into. "Sorry about crashing into you. I was–"
"Quag," the Quagsire said, his eyes unfocused and spread apart like they had a mind of their own.
Intimidated by the almighty Quag, Ash-Quag glanced at the Quagsire with an unsure look as another Quagsire came to view although this time dressed as what could only be described as a medieval archer.
"Excuse him. He likes to scare newcomers," the Quagsire sighed. "I'm Archer-Quag. This is Quag the Almighty but you can call him Almy. Nice to meet you."
Ash-Quag took the flipper offered to him and shook it awkwardly. "Uhh… I'm Ash Ketchum and this is Pikachu."
"Hello!"
Archer-Quag raised a slimy brow. "Ash Ketchum? Hm… are you by any chance a human?" Seeing his nod, she grimaced and shook her head. "Damn, that makes twenty now… grr, he needs to be stopped…" She jabbed a flipper into the direction of a nearby tree. "Rouge-Quag. Come out, we need to send this human and his companion back with the others." A Quagsire wearing a hood over his head came out, nodding at her words.
She turned, putting her flippers into a prayer as she knelt before the Almighty Quag. "Almy, we need your blessing once more, may we know where Shadow-Quag's hiding?"
"Quag."
"I see. Thank you for your undying knowledge, Almy." She bowed deep before facing her companion. "Rouge-Quag, open up that portal and let's get going–"
"Hey, wait a second!" Ash-Quag said, turning their attention towards him. "Who's this Shadow-Quag? Is he some kind of bad guy?"
"Huh? Oh… hm… well, Shadow-Quag's… been forcefully turning random people and Pokémon into Quagsires, strengthening his abilities and powers by absorbing the Auras of his victims. He plans to conquer the multiverse with the skills and bodies he'd stolen. But… but um, don't worry about it, Ash. You and your friends will be safe in our care. We won't let him harm a scale on any of you."
"Can I come help?"
Archer-Quag was taken aback. "You wish to help us?" she muttered, shaking her head. "No. Unfortunately, Shadow-Quag's not a normal mon. He's powerful, one of the strongest mons I'd known. He was our mage, and his powers were capable of destroying continents with nothing but his raw Quag-ness and… and," she sighed, "many of my… allies fell when he betrayed us and I… I won't ever forgive myself if I let any more people die because of him."
"Pikachu?"
Pika-Quag nodded with a grin.. "Let's do it."
Ash grinned back. "Alright! Don't worry, Archer-Quag. Pikachu and I've been through a lot in our journey. It'll take more than a powerful Pokémon to stop us from helping someone in need."
Archer-Quag gaped, shocked at his sudden proclamation. "Excuse me? Did you not hear what I'd just said? This isn't just a fun little school trip, Ash. Your very lives could be in grave danger if you–."
"So what? I can't just sit around and do nothing when he's hurting people and Pokémon." Ash-Quag stared straight into her eyes, challenging her before glancing at his partner. "You understand what I'm getting at, right Pikachu?"
"Yup." Pika-Quag nodded.
Archer-Quag lowered her head and let out a sigh. "Well, if that's really what you want then…" She beamed with a wide grin. "We'll be glad to have you on the team, Ash and Pikachu."
As Ash and Pikachu (along with an unconscious friend) smiled and faced their newfound allies. Archer-Quag, Rouge-Quag and The Almighty Quag smiled back, their eyes steeling with determination as they prepared to find and defeat the villainous Shadow-Quag. Their oncoming journey will certainly be a sight to behold.
Part Eight
It seemed like the entire crew was ready to set off on their quagtastic adventure...until the unconscious friend began to stir. With a couple of sudden twitches, he eventually came to.
"What the...fuck..." he grumbled. "What's...goin' on here?"
Ash, Pikachu, and the other quags on their time jumped at the sound of the voice. Ash visbily bristled, before gasping in delight.
"Pikachu, look! Guzma's finally waking up!" he shouted.
"Pika pi!" Pikachu affirmed with a nod.
Guzma had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on anymore. The last thing he remembered was this small ass child and his electric rat and band of weirdly dressed quagsire giving him a boatload of shit for just walking through, and next thing he knew, he'd blacked out. In true quag fashion.
"Did you...fuckin' mug me?" Guzma asked Ash, the alarm in his voice slowly rising.
Ash held up his hands in defense, shaking them for good measure. "No! Not at all. It's just..." he trailed off, averting his gaze toward the ground. "I don't really know how to explain it."
Blinking the quag stars out of his eyes, Guzma slowly began to push himself to sit up. He wondered why he felt so small, but it had to be the effects of passing out. "Well, ya better get that mouth movin', or I'ma--"
As Guzma picked up his hand to ball it into a quaggible fist, he felt his soul leave his body as he gave himself a face full of blue.
Stubby and blue. Not his fist.
"What the--"
A jolt of quagalicious adrenaline had him up on his feet. Those felt just as stubby. And he really was closer to the ground than normal...
His senses drew him to a lone puddle on the ground, and he rushed toward it in order to get a good look at himself. But what stared back at him wasn't him.
It was a goddamn quagsire.
"The hell is this?!" he shrieked.
Ash inhaled through his teeth. "That's...what I was trying to explain. Pikachu and I seem to have this issue where everyone we run into turns into...a quagsire."
Guzma was still gawking quagliciously at his new appearance. So much so, it took him a few seconds to register what Ash had said. When he finally did, he whipped around to shoot a violent glare at the kid.
"But you hopped on MY ass," he said angrily. Quaggily. "You approached me knowin' damn well this was gonna happen?"
"W-well," Ash stammered, "I figured you'd be pretty helpful in helping us with the shadow quags!"
"Pika!" Pikachu interjected.
Guzma blinked his heavy quag lids. Gods, he fucking hated this. He felt stupid already. "Sh...shadow quags?"
"Indeed," said Archer-Quag. "We are under the impression this boy has been cursed with the Quagening, which causes him to involunatrily turn others into quagsire. The only way to stop it is to hunt down and defeat the shadow quags themselves, as they are responsible for it.
"And truthfully, we need all the help we can get," Rogue-Quag added.
The Team Skull boss stood there in stunned, quaggy silence for a long, quaggish time.
"Are...are you all snortin' cocaine?"
Ash scrunched his brows in quagful confusion. "What's cocaine?"
"Doesn't matter," Guzma shouted. "The bottom line is that you're all have to be high off your fuckin' asses."
"Guzma, we understand this is a lot to process," The Almighty Quag said calmly. "But, we have a big adventure story ahead of us, and--"
"No, no, fuck all that," Guzma interrupted. "If I'm gonna be somehow shoehorned into all this as a fuckin' quagsire, you bet your limp dick that this story's gonna be about me now."
Ash, Pikachu, and the other quags gasped. In quag.
"That is not how you should be speaking to a ten-year-old!" Almighty chastised him. Guzma threw up his fat, stubby, quaggous arms dismissively.
"As a quagsire my fuckin' self now, I don't give a ratatta's ass. Screw you guys; I'm goin' home."
Guzma, now unfortunately a quagsire, set off to figure out what the fuck quagsire actually did with their stupid brains and free time. But he sure as fuck wasn't gonna waste it fighting shadow quags, or whatever the hell that meant.
Part Nine
Some time had passed and night had fallen. Guzma found himself outside of a large brick station, a train standing ready on the tracks nearby.
“Huh? The train’s running?” he wondered aloud.
“Sure is - and so is the post office.”
Guzma turned to see another Quagsire staring at the train, a bowl of soup in one of its big hands.
“You talkin to me?”
The Quagsire turned to look at him. “Well, you asked a question, so I thought I’d answer.”
Guzma scowled. “Did I look like I was expecting one? You think you’re being helpful or something?”
“I meant nothing by it - we’re both Quagsire here,” the other Quagsire replied, “Although, I guess we didn’t used to be.”
“Smart observation there,” Guzma said, looking annoyed.
They stood there watching the train as the other Quagsire noisily slurped his soup.
“So why is the train running, Mr. Big Brain?” Guzma asked after a while.
“The same reason you are walking,” the Quagsire replied, “My name is Simon actually.”
Guzma looked at Simon, annoyed. “Yeah, that sounds like a big brain name to me. Now answer the question.”
Simon’s expression was unchanged. “When you turned into a Quagsire, did you curl up in a ball on the ground? Punch a hole in the wall? Maybe you cried a bit.” He shrugged. “Then what did you do after that? What I’m trying to say is that the train is running because what else are you going to do? Panic? People might be Quagsire now, but it doesn’t mean the world has to stop to worry about it.”
“Uh, yeah,” Guzma said, not really following. “For the record, I did try the second one, but...” He looked down at his fat fish hands.
“That’s fair - personally I cried myself for awhile,” Simon said, “Then I smoked a cigarette. It’s easier than you think!”
Guzma sighed. “So what? Are you saying people just decided to ignore this and pretend nothing happened?”
“Not really, it’s just that there’s no real alternative.”
Another Quagsire wearing a conductor's hat came out of the building carrying a sandwich. It leaned against the wall and started eating.
Simon walked over to the other Quagsire. “Hey, my buddy over here was wondering why the train was running today.”
Guzma narrowed his eyes at Simon. “Did you fucking call me Buddy?”
“Uhm, well...” the other Quagsire looked pensive. “When I woke up this morning and saw the news, it was shocking - but we can still run the trains. No one really told us not to, and I thought it would be helpful if people needed to get places, especially if there was an emergency.”
“See?” Simon looked at Guzma. “I saw more than half my co-workers today. It’s not that people aren’t afraid or anything, we just have to do what we can because there’s nothing else we can do.”
Guzma thought about it for a moment.
“That’s stupid,” he said after a moment. “People turning into pokemon and you still go into the office? Whatever losers.”
The other Quagsire gave them a pained smile and shuffled away to eat his sandwich. Simon looked unperturbed. “It never hurts to do what you do best,” he said.
============================
“Why am I riding a train alone with a guy?” Guzma mumbled, staring out the window at the night sky.
“Riding trains is a fairly popular pastime you know,” Simon said, sitting across from him. The train car was empty except for the two of them. “So, what are you going to do now, whoever you are?”
“It’s Guzma,” Guzma said, jabbing Simon with a finger. “You can address me as Sir if you want.” He grinned.
“Hmm? The very same leader of that group of troublemakers, Skull or something?”
“That’s Team Skull to you,” Guzma said, crossing his arms. “So you’ve heard of me? Maybe you’re feeling a bit scared now, huh?”
Simon blinked. “Actually I was thinking of what to make for dinner. Although, I’ve seen you on TV before, I didn’t recognize you at all, haha!”
“Real funny joke,” Guzma growled, frowning. He turned away from Simon.
“Hey, no need to sulk,” Simon said, “I know it’s a bit strange right now, but we’ll be fine!”
Guzma whirled on him, grabbing the other Quagsire by the shoulders. “How is this going to be fine? How does any of this even happen?” he yelled. He sank back into the seat. “This is so fucked up. This and the shadow quag thing.”
“Shadow quag?” Simon looked interested, “What are those?”
“Beats me,” Guzma grumbled, “Apparently they’re after me.”
“Really?” Simon looked down in thought. “I mean, I have a guess. Even if everything is still running, we’re in something of a societal transitory development, wouldn’t you think?”
Guzma stared at him. “Choose different words if you’re going to make an acronym for this crap.”
“So in a period of turmoil, it’s best to work for stability,” Simon continued, ignoring him. “But on the flip side, isn’t it also a good time to take care of loose ends?”
Guzma took a moment to process Simon’s words. “Wait, are you suggesting someone is sending fucking assassins after me?”
“From what I remember from that news special, you are considered something of a nuisance to the Alolan economy,” Simon said apologetically, “I guess on the upside you are harder to find now that we all look the same.”
“If you say so,” Guzma said, rubbing his head. “There’s no way to know if that’s the truth or not anyway.”
“That’s what you have to figure out,” he replied, “Are the shadow quags out to kill you, or something worse?”
Part Ten
“Whoa, talk about paranoia!” Quagbert’s shadow said, the little patch of darkness on the forest floor almost imperceptibly shifting as it raised its arms. “Think about it logically – corpses don’t cast shadows, so why would we want to kill you?”
Quagbert glared down at his tormentor. “Don’t make me walk into that shady patch again.”
“Uh, you know that doesn’t actually do anything to me, right? Just kinda obscures me for a bit?”
“Ooh, look who doesn’t have a head anymore!” Quagbert said, moving so that the upper half of his shadow fell into the shade cast by a stand of dead trees. “Oops, so much for your arms… and your feet… and your tail!”
“Yeah, don’t really care,” a voice emanated from roughly where Quagbert’s shadow’s head would’ve been sans tree shade.
“Grrr...”
Quagxander sighed. “Can you try to take this seriously, Quagbert? If we can’t figure out what the shadows want, we’re all going to starve to death.” He gestured at the dead forest around him. Not a single living plant could be seen – every branch of every tree and shrub was dead and barren, the grass was brown and wilted, and even the moss growing on rocks had shriveled away.
“You know, I’ve always said that if we grew up as some sort of hypothetical little armless form that only later spontaneously transformed into Quagsire, the clear separation between child and adult stages might lead to some of us acting a little more mature,” Quagifer piped up.
“Your weird hypotheticals also aren’t very helpful!”
“C’mon, we’ve explained our purpose a million times already!” Quagxander’s shadow said. “We’re doing this to exalt you!”
“How is killing off all the plants ‘exalting’ us!?” Quagxander spat, an action which, for a Quagsire, caused substantial globs of mud to spray out of his mouth.
Quagifer’s shadow crossed its arms, or at least that was what she presumed it was doing from the limited visual evidence. “Now that is just total hyperbole! We haven’t killed all the plants. Look, there’s a living dandelion just over there!”
“Oh, wow, you’re right! Ha-ha, I haven’t seen one of those in ages!” Quagbert exclaimed, and started to waddle towards a lone, green-stalked dandelion poking out from behind a fallen branch.
“No! Quagbert, wait-”
As soon as Quagbert came close, his shadow extended an arm to overlap the dandelion. The shadow’s darkness rapidly intensified, changing the ground from a merely dimly lit area into an inky blackness devoid of all light, and then it went even further, turning it into a region of anti-light which was as blindingly dark as the sun was bright. And just as light nourished plants and allowed them to grow, anti-light had the opposite effect, wasting and shriveling them. The dandelion crumpled to the forest floor, its crown of yellow pedals wilting and falling away.
Quagbert’s shadow mimed slapping its forehead. “Whoa, oops, how did that happen? Wow, you really think I would’ve learned how to control myself after the last thousand times I did that!”
“Arrrggghhh!” Quagbert threw himself to the ground and plunged his arms into the soil in an attempt to strangle his shadow, an extremely unproductive endeavor.
“Um, I don’t think shadows need to breathe, Quagbert-” Quagifer said.
Quagbert showed no signs of listening, but Quagxander perked up, shocked out of the sobbing fit he’d just entered into. “Need to breathe...” he muttered. “...need to- Oh my Quag, that’s it! That’s what the shadows want! Come on, we have to tell everyone!” He charged off down a trail at maximum Quagsire land velocity, which wasn’t very fast. His companions soon followed, calling for him to slow down.
Eventually, they reached Quagsire Village, a collection of now mostly-empty mud huts surrounding a placid lake. A few Quagsires were slumped around the place in various stages of despair and resignation. “Guys, guys! I’ve discovered the shadows’ weakness!” Quagxander proclaimed. “It’s fire! That’s why they’re killing all the plants! Plants produce oxygen, which is necessary for fire! It should’ve been obvious! They’re shadows, obviously they hate anything bright!”
“Ha-ha, no, that’s definitely not it,” Quagxander’s shadow said.
“Shut up! Does anyone here know how to start a fire?”
One of the village Quagsires managed to raise her head just slightly off the ground. “Oh, did you say ‘fire’? I’m really good at putting those out!”
“Yeah, I’ve never seen a fire I couldn’t immediately smother with water guns or mud shots!” another one bragged.
“No, no! Not extinguish fires! Start them!” Quagxander yelled. He was met with a sea of blank stares. “Come on… anyone?”
“You know, starting fires would be a lot easier if there was some sort of hypothetical creature that exhaled fire like we can exhale water, maybe even one with its tail permanently on fire without getting burned somehow!” Quagifer proclaimed.
“Hypothetical entities are of no use to us!” Quagxander snapped. “Come on, think- think! Besides fire and the sun, is there anything else which produces light?”
“Uh… lightning?” Quagbert suggested.
“Yes, yes, that’s it! Does anyone know how to create lightning?” Another glum silence.
“...you know, producing lightning would a lot easier if there was some sort of hypothetical creature that could wield the elemental power of electricity-”
“Electricity isn’t an element!”
“Yep, we’re doomed...” one of the village Quagsires muttered.
Just then, another Quagsire waddled into the village. “Quagexxa! You’re back! Did you find any plants the shadows hadn’t gotten to yet?”
“I did, actually!” Quagexxa said cheefully.
“Oh my Quag, we’re saved! If we manage to start a garden which we carefully isolate from the shadows, maybe by only approaching it at dawn or dusk while facing the sun’s direction, we can start breeding plant-eating insects which we use to feed fish which we use to feed bigger fish and eventually reboot the whole food chain-”
“Right, so, the key word there was hadn’t gotten to yet,” Quagexxa said. “They’re all dead now. My shadow killed ‘em.”
Quagxander screamed. “What? HOW!”
“Yeah, so, it’s kind of hard to tell the difference between a living plant and a dead plant that just happens to be covered in blood or red dust or something from a distance, so whenever I got close enough to check, boom, shadow got it.”
“You know, I’ve always said that mistakes like this wouldn’t happen if instead of Quagsire we were some sort of hypothetical creature with visual systems that saw blood and living grass as having different colors,” Quagifer noted.
“Hey everyone, that was the last of the plants! We’re all done!” Quagexxa’s shadow called, eliciting cheers and whoops from everyone else’s shadow, and moans of despair from the three-dimensional Quagsire attached to them.
Above the village, the clouds parted, and a giant Quagsire shining with an aura of divine light descended from the heavens. “BEHOLD! I AM THE QUAGOD, YOUR CREATOR! I HAVE COME TO REVEAL THE PURPOSE BEHIND ANIMATING YOUR SHADOWS!”
The villagers gasped and trembled in fear. “This better be good...” Quagxander snarled.
“WHEN I CREATED THIS WORLD, I DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD HAVE NO OTHER INTELLIGENT LIFE BESIDE QUAGSIRE, THE ULTIMATE LIFE-FORM! BUT THEN I GREW UNSATISFIED! IT IS NOT ENOUGH THAT QUAGSIRE ARE THE ONLY INTELLIGENT LIFE, THEY MUST BE THE ONLY LIVING ORGANISMS, PERIOD! SO TO THAT END, I ANIMATED YOUR SHADOWS AND ORDERED THEM TO EXTERMINATE ALL PLANT LIFE, THUS ELIMINATING THE BASE OF THE FOOD WEB AND ENSURING THE EVENTUAL EXTINCTION OF EVERY OTHER CREATURE!”
“But now we’re all going to starve to death!”
“BETTER A FEW MOMENTS OF PURE QUAGSIRE PERFECTION THAN AN ETERNAL NON-QUAGSIRE-CREATURE-CONTAINING-WORLD!”
“There will never be a moment where Quagsire are the only living things! We’re gonna die long before all the little bugs and fungi do!”
“FOOLISH MORTAL! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE TOP BLOCK OF A PYRAMID IS THE LAST TO HIT THE GROUND WHEN THE BASE IS DESTROYED! AND AS IT IS WITH LITERAL PYRAMIDS, SO TOO IS IT TRUE OF METAPHORICAL FOOD PYRAMIDS!”
“I don’t even think that’s true of actual pyramids!” Quagxander screamed.
“NOW, I MUST RETURN TO THE HEAVENS AND BEHOLD THE UTOPIA I HAVE CREATED! SAVOR YOUR LAST FEW MOMENTS OF BEING ABLE TO FOCUS ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN CONSTANT, GNAWING STARVATION AND USE THEM TO APPRECIATE MY GIFT!” The Quagod slowly began to ascend back up into the air.
“You know, I’ve always said that this whole mass famine thing wouldn’t be a problem if instead of Quagsire, we were some sort of hypothetical steel-skinned tortoise-like creature that could eat iron ore instead of anything organic,” Quagifer remarked.
The Quagod froze. “WAIT. THIS HYPOTHETICAL CREATURE SOUNDS INTRIGUING. TELL ME MORE.”
Quagifer beamed up at them. “See, I was thinking this creature would have elemental rock and steel manipulation powers the same way we have elemental ground and water manipulation powers, and then when it got old enough it would spontaneously transform into a larger tortoise creature with three extra spikes on its back, and then when it got even older it would spontaneously transform again into a big bipedal thing that defended trees and soil and stuff even though logically it shouldn’t care about any of that ‘cause it ate minerals and not plants!”
“None of rock, steel, ground, or water are really ‘elements’!” Quagxander protested. Everyone ignored him.
“VERY INTERESTING! HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF ANY MORE OF THESE HYPOTHETICAL CREATURES?”
“Oh, have I ever! I have this idea for a super-cute hypothetical creature with skin that’s covered in this weird brown and white strandy stuff that’s really soft to touch, and it’ll look like a lot of other creatures but nobody will be able to agree on exactly which one, and it’ll be really active and playful because its body can produce its own heat so it’ll always be warm, and it can spontaneously transform into a wide variety of other hypothetical creatures depending on what rocks it’s touched or various other conditions!”
“HMMM, THAT DOES SOUND LIKE IT’D BE SUPER-CUTE.”
“Ooh, if you like cute hypothetical creatures I’ve got another one, it’s also covered in comparatively-short strandy-stuff which is yellow and brown instead of white and brown, and it has a tail that looks like lightning except not really ‘cause it just zigs and zags back and forth instead of branching out like a tree, and it can zap people with enough force that it should logically kill them but instead just causes their strandy stuff to stand on end for a bit somehow, and it can also spontaneously transform by touching the right rock but it won’t want to ‘cause that’ll make it less cute!”
“INCREDIBLE!”
And so, Quagifer babbled for hours about hundreds of hypothetical creatures. When she was finally done, the Quagod slowly beat their giant tail in contemplation, causing immense gusts of wind to rush over the village. “I’LL BE HONEST, THESE HYPOTHETICAL CREATURES SOUND WAY COOLER THAN QUAGSIRE ARE. LIVING IN A WORLD WITH JUST QUAGSIRE AS THE ONLY EVEN VAGUELY INTERESTING CREATURES FOR MILLENNIA HAD BLINDED ME TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT MORE APPEALING FORMS COULD EXIST! YES, I NOW SEE THAT ATTEMPTING TO CREATE A WORLD WITH ONLY ONE SPECIES OF LIFE IN IT WAS A HORRIBLE MISTAKE – AN ‘OOPS’, YOU COULD SAY.”
“I think tortoises are also vaguely interesting...” Quagexxa muttered.
“I WILL NOW OFFER YOU A CHOICE: I CAN RESTORE THIS WORLD’S ECOSYSTEM TO ITS PREVIOUS STATE, AND BRING TO LIFE THE CREATURES OF QUAGIFER’S IMAGINATION. BUT! THIS WOULD COME AT A HORRIBLE COST! QUAGSIRE WOULD THEN BECOME THE MOST BORING INTELLIGENT CREATURES ON THE PLANET, PROBABLY ONLY REMEMBERED AS A ‘MEME’ IN SOME OBSCURE INTERNET FORUM SOMEWHERE, WHICH LIKELY WOULDN’T EVEN FEATURE QUAGSIRE IN THE MAJORITY OF ITS STORIES! DARE YOU ACCEPT THIS TERRIBLE FATE?”
“Yes! YES! Anything’s better than starving to death!”
“Gosh, I don’t know, guys. I really think we need to sit down and think this one through,” Quagbert said.
“Actually, if you think about it, wouldn’t Quagsire still be pretty interesting now that they’ve got the whole sapient plant-killing shadow thing going on?” said Quagbert’s shadow.
“HMM, GOOD POINT! I’LL GO RIGHT AHEAD, THEN! ALTHOUGH YOU SHADOWS WILL HAVE TO KILL PLANTS ONLY OCCASIONALLY SO I DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN! BLARRRRGGHHH!” The Quagod opened up their vast mouth and sprayed out a torrent of divinely glowing water, which caused plants to spring back to life wherever it touched. Then the Quagod aimed at the lake and spouted out a stream of fat fish into it, replacing the ones lost from the ecological disaster. All the village Quagsire cried out and joy and dived in, eager to refill their stomachs.
Finally, the Quagod turned to a conveniently empty patch of ground and unleashed a mighty mud shot, and out of the mud arose entirely new forms of life, and the era of Oops, All Quag! was over at last.
THE END
BestLizard
CinderArts
Dragonfree
HelloYellow17
IFBench
RJR Basimilus
ShiniGojira
Sinderella
unrepentantAuthor
The Walrein
CinderArts
Dragonfree
HelloYellow17
IFBench
RJR Basimilus
ShiniGojira
Sinderella
unrepentantAuthor
The Walrein
This one was a great time! I hope you'll all enjoy reading. Once again, thanks to all the writers who helped make this glorious abomination happen!
Thousand Roads' Exquisite Corpse 2022
Oops, All Quag! I
Oops, All Quag! I
Part One
Bethany nearly slipped off her office chair in surprise when the intercom called out for her. This happened every time the intercom called, which made it part of her daily routine. Bethany liked routine – she liked that she worked in a slow-paced, predictable environment. A laboratory staffed entirely by quagsire only had an exciting shakeup one or two days in a year! Today, though, might just be one of those days.
She waddled from her workdesk to the reception of Clevergill Labs, passing by glass display cases containing some of the Clevergill family's most famous inventions – the edible hat; the wearable mattress; the colour 'grurple'; vanity numberplates; protective plastic cases for bananas; the board game 'Monopoly' – all strokes of genius by Bethany's ancestors. One day she'd invent something that belonged with these extraordinary discoveries.
Bethany arrived in the foyer, and her face split open in an enormous grin when she saw the package destined for her. The young quagsire holding the box could barely get his stubby arms around each side, but his face remained cheerfully vacant as he waited for her.
"Hello! Are you Bethany Clevergill?"
"Hello!" she replied. "Yes, I am!"
There was a pause, as both of them exchanged gawping grins for several seconds.
"This is for you!" said the delivery quagsire, at last. "You can have it!"
"Thank you so much!" said Bethany, moving to take it from him. Several minutes of awkward fumbling for the two pokémon to pass the enormous object from one to the other, but quagsire are nothing if not patient with their problems. Eventually, the receptionist remembered that they existed, and looked up from her crossword.
"Have you tried putting it down first?" she asked.
Bethany and the courier looked at each other and thought hard. Had they tried that? No, they hadn't.
"Let's try that!" said Bethany, with enthusiasm.
"Okay!" replied the courier.
Moments later, the advanced technique of putting a heavy object down before a new quagsire picks it up had paid off. Instead of the courier holding the box, Bethany was now holding it.
"Gosh, miss! You sure are clever to think of that," said the courier, beaming happily. "I guess that's why you work in a laboratory!"
Bethany smiled vacantly back for a second, pleased at the praise. Then she laughed.
"Actually, I think Mary over there suggested it, really!" she said. "She's so smart, you know. She only takes two or three weeks to do one of those crosswords she likes."
Mary looked proud and contemplative as she looked off into the distance, musing on her responsibilities as the laboratory's administrative staff. Either that, or she'd achieved true enlightenment by emptying her head of any and all intelligent thought. Bethany did that too, sometimes as many as five times a day!
She thanked the courier for his delivery, and waddled back to her desk to put down the package. Gradually, working her way through each brain-teasing step of the process, she opened it. She patted herself on the back – or really just the shoulder, since she could reach it – for not only figuring out she should use a boxcutter to get through the tape, but also remembering where the boxcutter was kept! She was truly a staggering intellect among quag-kind, though she'd never tell anyone else she thought so. Bragging wasn't a very good look on a quagsire her age!
A knock at the office door told her she had company. She turned around, bumping the desk with her tail as she did, to see her colleague Henry Mildwaters approaching. Now, he was a true intellect among quagsires, the cognitive equal of any salamander. There were rumours that he was even capable of mental multiplication, but Bethany knew better than to believe anyone could do something so outlandish.
"Good afternoon, Bethany," he said, going slightly cross-eyed from the mental strain of remembering the time of day.
"Good afternoon, Henry!" she replied, her mouth falling open in a guileless grin.
They admired each other for a moment. Two amphibians of a kind, they were. Their conversations were so intellectually stimulating, it sometimes left Bethany near-breathless.
"What's that box you've got there?" asked Henry, tilting his head in blank incomprehension.
"Oh! Well, it's the new pizza oven I ordered for the lab," explained Bethany, waving her arms in excitement. "We're having that open day at the lab today, remember? We put out posters advertising that there would be free pizza. Now we're all set!"
Henry nodded in thoughtful admiration. He put a hand to his mouth with a wet slap, and stroked his chin. A bright, beautiful thought was forming in his brain. Bethany held her breath as she waited for Henry's titanic mind to work its magic. At last, Henry looked at her and spoke.
"Did you also buy pizza ingredients?" he asked.
Bethany shook her head, not yet understanding. "Ingredients...?" she asked, rubbing her head with one hand.
"Yes," said Henry, very seriously. "You need dough, and cheese, and tomato sauce to make a pizza. At least!"
Bethany's mouth could only open and close in stunned confusion.
Henry held his head in his hands and waddled to the office windows. "Oh no," he moaned, as he looked out. "They're already here!"
Bethany flopped onto the floor and plodded over to her colleague's side. Through the glass, she could see countless quagsire in the street outside. They must all have turned up for the open day, expecting free pizza. Free pizza she could not possibly provide.
"Do you have any idea what you've done?" cried Henry, his gaping mouth distending wide open in utter dismay at the sea of gawping amphibian bodies outside the lab.
Beside him, Bethany stared at her moist, blue, salamander hands, and wept great tears of remorse – but it was already too late to undo her mistake.
unrepentantAuthor
Part Two
"The whole world will become made of Quagsire!" Henry went on, shaking Bethany urgently. "It will be like that thing about the gingerbread people living in gingerbread houses! Living inside buildings made of living flesh!"
Outside the window, more Quagsire grew out of the pile like balloons. The walls of the lab were beginning to bulge out disturbingly, texture shifting into a glossy, wet blue.
"Quick, Bethany, we must get outside!" Henry pulled her along with his flipper, making for the door just as it inflated into a rounded sausage shape. He grabbed the handle and threw it open just before a wide mouth split open in the middle of the former door, revealing a slimy pink tongue.
"Quaaaag," said the former door. Bethany stared at it in horror, frozen, as more Quagsire heads and tails popped out of the walls.
"Come!"
Henry dragged her outside, wading through the slowly expanding sea of smaller Quagsire.
"What do we do now?" Bethany squeaked, her face tear-stricken. "How can we--"
"There's nothing we can do," Henry said, not looking at her as he pulled her along. "You've doomed the world."
"Quag!" said one of the billions of Quagsire, grinning an oblivious grin at Bethany.
"Why aren't they speaking?" Bethany whispered, too shocked to process anything else. "Just... 'quag'?"
"They were never meant to be," Henry said darkly. "Perhaps that's what happens when you try to transform inorganic matter into life. It can only become a cheap imitation, a grotesque caricature of sapience."
Bethany hesitated. Kaylee, the human-turned-Quagsire, her lover, the one she had done all this for, had once said she came from a world where Pokémon didn't build labs, didn't speak to each other in a way she could understand. The humans did, but the Pokémon only said syllables of their names.
Perhaps... someone in that world had committed the same sin. Perhaps all Pokémon there were the result of alchemy, a putrid effort to create life that never should have been.
"I only wanted to bring her back," Bethany whispered. Layers of Quagsire reached their flippers out to her, trying to pull her back, to assimilate her into the mindless horde. Henry had begun to try to fight them off, firing off Mud Bombs to clear their way, his flipper still wrapped around hers.
"We'd all like to bring back the ex-human heroes, Bethany," Henry said, grim, shooting a Mud Shot that felled a deluge of crowding mini-Quagsire like a set of bowling pins. "But instead, what you've done is doom the planet to become a nightmare sphere of flailing brainless imitations of Quagsire, able only to quag their names into all eternity until the sun goes out in the sky."
Dragonfree
Part Three
“I’m sorry!” Bethany says. She flicks a mini-Quag trying to latch onto their limb and it goes flying high into the sky. Yet, for the one she fended off, many more encroach her. Henry spits another Mud Shot but instead shooting a projectile, a spattering of mud splashes on the floor. He has run out of power points.
They both flee. Bethany hops and grabs a branch of a nearby tree and pulls herself up into the canopy, just as mini-quags throw themselves against the trunk like a wave ramming against a cliff. Henry’s not so lucky - he trips. He fails to scramble up in time before mini-Quags hop onto his legs and pin him down.
“No, Henry!” Bethany shouts, watching helplessly as a sea of Quag washes consumes him. His limbs and head poke out through all the chaos while he struggles. It’s only a matter of time before she’s consumed herself - the Quag climb upon each other, reaching upwards while Quaging in a hellish cacophony.
“Henry! We can’t beat them! What do we do now?”
Henry surfaces his head, just long enough to shout words out. “There’s only one thing left we can do: Accept our fate and join them!”
The village teems with joviality. Mini-Quags jump around a circle clapping and dancing while large Quagsires beat on their drums and holler to the music. Woopers waver around the branches of the swamp trees, waving torches around. In the middle, Bethany and Henry sit on their knees, their bodies stuffed into Quagsire costumes. They show a gentle smile - the celebration is uplifting, despite the defeat.
All the Woopers and Quagsires quiet down. Ahead of the couple, the Chief Executive Officer of Quagsire steps into the festival ring. He wears a pristine blazer and a blue tie. He holds two large mascot heads under his arms, each the shape of Quagsire heads. Everyone bows.
“Bethany and Henry! We are pleased to you have seen the light! We welcome you into our wondrous domain!” he says, with a thick Quagsire accent. The village cheers to his words, but a wave of hushes quiet them down once more.
“We will forgive and forget your transgressions, for it is the duty of the family to love one another! And tonight we celebrate our growing family!”
The crowd cheers even louder this time. The Quags give up keeping themself calm and cheer with every sentence the CEO says.
“I have come today, in witness of our Quagsire brethren, to enter you into our ways! From this day on, you shall be brother Henry and Sister Bethany, fellow Quagsire in life and death!”
Henry and Bethany bow their heads to the ground.
“We’re so grateful! I didn’t think we’d be accepted..” Henry says.
“Thank you, CEO, for everything. We are humbled” Bethany says.
The Quagsire boss. “Hush, my children. We always support family far and wide. Now, raise your heads.”
The two raise their heads. Tears down run their cheeks. They haven’t realized just how much they needed love and support their own parents never gave them. They say nothing as the Quagsire CEO places their masks upon them, completing their transformation into Quagsire. “You are Quagsire!”
Both new Quagsires lunge out to hug their new corporate father. The festivities resume, music and cheering blaring to life. The night becomes long, drinks as sweet as honey flowing, and tireless camaraderie shared among all the family members.
It is sunrise. The horizon is brushed with vivid swathes of orange and red. Tall shadows crawl on the mountain’s face as the valley village basks in the morning’s first light. The air is fresh and simple.
Bethany, Henry, and a small army of Quagsires and Woopers walk out of the forest. They gather at the edge. The dressed-up Quagsire makes his way through and walks ahead, soon turning around. “Sons and daughters! Our mission continues! Brother Henry and Sister Bethany, lead our Quagsire family into this village and bring more of the world into our loving embrace!” The CEO of Quagsire says. The Quagsires, Woopers, and mini-Quags around all roar in passion, exhilirated to charge in.
BestLizard
Part Four
Quagella and Quagerine beamed as they were welcomed into the village of New Quagsville, their tails wagging as they waddled inside. Finally, after months in the Quaglands, they found somewhere they could comfortably call home.
It was a nice home, shaped like a Quagsire's head, just like every other home in New Quagsville. It was beautiful. It was lovely. It was Quag.
Now, to settle in. They unpacked their luggage, filled with Quagsire-shaped furniture. They plugged the TV that looked like a Quagsire was eating it into the Quagsire-shaped electrical socket, leapt onto the Quagsire-patterned couch, and readied themselves for a nice episode of Masterquag.
They looked out the window at Sun Quag, whose radiant light shone upon the entirety of planet Quag, as well as planets Quacrery, Qunus, Quars, Qupiter, Quaturn, Quranus, Quatune, and even Quato, though the latter's status as a planet was under hot debate by Quagsires who worked at QASA.
The sky was littered with clouds in the shape of Quagsires by day, and Quaggy stars by night, each gleaming Quagsire face a point in the sky from which a Quagsire could be drawn. Sometimes, deep in the wild Quags, other galaxies could be seen. Who knew what kinds of Quags lay within them? Just another one of the many mysteries of the Quagmos.
Time passed on, warped by Quag holes, and if one were to draw the timeline of the Quagverse out, it would take the shape of a Quagsire. If one were to sketch out the observable Quagverse, it would be in the shape of a Quagsire.
All is Quag.
IFBench
Part Five
And in the beginning, there was Quag.
Koaquagmaru knew it was his destiny to find The One, the Original Quag. He would be the one to capture the Quag, harness the Quag, be the Quag. It was this quest that has led him to where he is now: scaling the tallest mountain in the world, Mt. Quagerest.
He turned to his trusty purrloin partner, Salem. “Smell anything?”
Salem shook her head sadly. “Quag.”
Koaguagmaru sighed. “I knew I should have let Steven Quag come with us. He would have found the Quaggiest cave on this mountain already.” But on second thought, Steven would have brought his Quaggron with him, who was pretty intimidating. So maybe this was for the best.
“Quag?” Salem meowed. She looked at him questioningly, but Koaquagmaru shook his head.
“We can’t make camp yet. We can make it a bit further.”
Yes, they would keep going. They had to. They would find the Original Quag, and that would show them…it would show them all. He thought of all the naysayers: Odette Quag-Mars and the way she shook her head with a small frown (“You know that’s just a fairy tale, right, kid?”); Nathaniel Quagan who laughed himself hoarse when he first heard of Koaquagmaru’s quest; Wallace Quagakiss who said, in a delicate tone, “I know Steven’s encouraging you, but I think this is too dangerous for someone so young. Why don’t you wait until you’re older?”
But, what fueled him even further were those who cheered him along the way. He thought of May Wallquag, his childhood best friend, who told him with a wide grin that she couldn’t wait to hear about his adventures upon his return, and his other friend Jade Quagens who nodded and smiled in agreement. He thought of his Tropius friend Quageane, who said, “This is so exciting! You’re going to become a hero!”
Yes. He would do it for them. For those who believed. He would find the One, the Original Quag, and become the hero of the Quagverse.
HelloYellow17
Part Six
“Oh, silly Ash. There’s no such thing as a Quagverse.” May said as she unfolded her sleeping bag.
“But there is! It says here in this book!” Ash retorted, showing her once again the book labeled The Legendary Story of the Quagverse: Volume 1. “The author mentioned that this story is based on a true story! So, it must be real!”
May sighed, folding her arms. “Ash, do you believe that nonsense? It’s a fictional story.” May said with an added emphasis on “fictional”. “It’s not real. It’s just a fairy tale story that the author wrote for kids… and grown-up kids.”
“Hey! I’m not a grown-up kid!”
“Ash, you’re ten years old.” May said in a joking tone.
“Either way, I’m sure it’s true! You’ll see! Right, Max?”
Max adjusted his glasses and looked up at Ash. “Alf, I’m seven and even I’m smart enough to know that story is just a bunch of fiction.”
“Do you have proof? And for the last time, my name is Ash!”
“Yeah, I do.” Max replied with a smirk. “It’s called “fictional stories”, you know, like the bedtime stories that your mom used to read to you when you were five.”
“Aw come on! Back me up on this one, will you, Max?”
“Sorry Ash, but big sis is right. It’s just a fictional story.”
“Why you…” Ash sighed, pinching the nose of his bridge. “Okay, fine. You win.”
May giggled and said, “Oh Ash, you’re so dense. If you want, I could read you that book for you as a bedtime story to help you sleep.”
“Alright, how about I-”
Brock intervened before either of them got a chance to clash. “Okay guys, we better get some rest anyway. It’s getting late so let’s call it a day.”
Little did they know, in the outskirts of the forest, a mysterious Quag was watching them from the shadows… waiting and biding their time. What does this shadowy Quag want from Ash and his friends? The answer to that is a mystery… for now.
CinderArts
Part Seven
Shadowy Quag clapped its slimy flippers, a wet smack rippled through the air as purple smoke rose from beneath it.
The smoke slithered towards Ash like a snake diving for its prey and aside from a surprised yelp, the duo didn't have enough time to react as the smoke reached into their nostrils, rendering them powerless as changes began to occur over their bodies.
"Pika pi!" Pikachu cried out, glaring at the Shadowy Quagsire as electricity surged from his cheeks and sped towards the Shadowy Quagsire, eliciting a pain cry from it as it flew off into the sky.
With his foe launched far far away, Pikachu glanced back at his trainer before running through the purple smoke in a panicked search for him.
"Pika pi! Pikachu!" he shouted, looking around frantically. He caught a whiff of his trainer's scent before running towards the direction it came from and jumping onto the first body he'd come upon.
"Ugh," Ash drawled at the sudden weight on his chest. "Pikachu? What happened? Why do I feel so…" He blinked, staring at his newly-formed flippers with an incredulous look. "Wh-what happened to my hands?" Blinking once more, he stared at the face of his long-time partner who was currently undergoing the Quagsir-fication. "Pi-Pikachu! What's going on?"
"Pi-Pika pi!" Pikachu jumped off, staring at his paws in shock as Ash-Quag looked on in horror.
What was Ash-Quag to do? He had never seen something like this before, was it that Quagsire's doing?
He clicked his tongue as a groan caught his attention, reminding him of who was accompanying him.
Turning, he shouted, "Goh! Something's wrong with Pikachu!" His eyes widened in shock as a portal opened beneath his friend who, for some reason, was also a Quagsire, and sucked him in. "Goh!"
"As-Ash!" a familiar yet at the same time not, voice cried out.
Ash-Quag glanced at the voice, seeing the same portal forming below his partner. "Pikachu!" He sprinted towards his partner, nearly falling over his new feet as he jumped, grabbing his partner as they fell into the portal together.
A portal opened as they fell onto the hard and rough ground.
Ash-Quag was quick to recover as he checked on Pika-Quag, he let out a yelp, his mouth agape as he took in his partner's new form. "Pikachu? Is that you?"
The Quagsire, presumably Pikachu, nodded and tilted his head. "Ash? Why are you a Quagsire?"
"You can talk?!" he exclaimed before furrowing his non-existent brows. "Wait, what do you mean by–" He froze, staring at his new body and letting out a panicked scream. "Ah! I'm a Quagsire! Why am I a Quagsire?"
Pika-Quag chimed in with an "I don't know!" as the boy-turned-Quag ran about, screaming his head off like a headless chicken.
In the midst of his running and screaming, he hadn't been paying attention to his surroundings and subsequently crashed into another Quagsire.
"Wah!" Falling onto the floor with a harsh thud, Pika-Quag rushed to his side.
"Ash! Are you okay?"
Ash-Quag waved him away, chuckling at his partner's concern. "I'm fine. I'm fine. Don't worry, Pikachu." He blinked, nervously glancing at the person he'd bumped into. "Sorry about crashing into you. I was–"
"Quag," the Quagsire said, his eyes unfocused and spread apart like they had a mind of their own.
Intimidated by the almighty Quag, Ash-Quag glanced at the Quagsire with an unsure look as another Quagsire came to view although this time dressed as what could only be described as a medieval archer.
"Excuse him. He likes to scare newcomers," the Quagsire sighed. "I'm Archer-Quag. This is Quag the Almighty but you can call him Almy. Nice to meet you."
Ash-Quag took the flipper offered to him and shook it awkwardly. "Uhh… I'm Ash Ketchum and this is Pikachu."
"Hello!"
Archer-Quag raised a slimy brow. "Ash Ketchum? Hm… are you by any chance a human?" Seeing his nod, she grimaced and shook her head. "Damn, that makes twenty now… grr, he needs to be stopped…" She jabbed a flipper into the direction of a nearby tree. "Rouge-Quag. Come out, we need to send this human and his companion back with the others." A Quagsire wearing a hood over his head came out, nodding at her words.
She turned, putting her flippers into a prayer as she knelt before the Almighty Quag. "Almy, we need your blessing once more, may we know where Shadow-Quag's hiding?"
"Quag."
"I see. Thank you for your undying knowledge, Almy." She bowed deep before facing her companion. "Rouge-Quag, open up that portal and let's get going–"
"Hey, wait a second!" Ash-Quag said, turning their attention towards him. "Who's this Shadow-Quag? Is he some kind of bad guy?"
"Huh? Oh… hm… well, Shadow-Quag's… been forcefully turning random people and Pokémon into Quagsires, strengthening his abilities and powers by absorbing the Auras of his victims. He plans to conquer the multiverse with the skills and bodies he'd stolen. But… but um, don't worry about it, Ash. You and your friends will be safe in our care. We won't let him harm a scale on any of you."
"Can I come help?"
Archer-Quag was taken aback. "You wish to help us?" she muttered, shaking her head. "No. Unfortunately, Shadow-Quag's not a normal mon. He's powerful, one of the strongest mons I'd known. He was our mage, and his powers were capable of destroying continents with nothing but his raw Quag-ness and… and," she sighed, "many of my… allies fell when he betrayed us and I… I won't ever forgive myself if I let any more people die because of him."
"Pikachu?"
Pika-Quag nodded with a grin.. "Let's do it."
Ash grinned back. "Alright! Don't worry, Archer-Quag. Pikachu and I've been through a lot in our journey. It'll take more than a powerful Pokémon to stop us from helping someone in need."
Archer-Quag gaped, shocked at his sudden proclamation. "Excuse me? Did you not hear what I'd just said? This isn't just a fun little school trip, Ash. Your very lives could be in grave danger if you–."
"So what? I can't just sit around and do nothing when he's hurting people and Pokémon." Ash-Quag stared straight into her eyes, challenging her before glancing at his partner. "You understand what I'm getting at, right Pikachu?"
"Yup." Pika-Quag nodded.
Archer-Quag lowered her head and let out a sigh. "Well, if that's really what you want then…" She beamed with a wide grin. "We'll be glad to have you on the team, Ash and Pikachu."
As Ash and Pikachu (along with an unconscious friend) smiled and faced their newfound allies. Archer-Quag, Rouge-Quag and The Almighty Quag smiled back, their eyes steeling with determination as they prepared to find and defeat the villainous Shadow-Quag. Their oncoming journey will certainly be a sight to behold.
ShiniGojira
Part Eight
It seemed like the entire crew was ready to set off on their quagtastic adventure...until the unconscious friend began to stir. With a couple of sudden twitches, he eventually came to.
"What the...fuck..." he grumbled. "What's...goin' on here?"
Ash, Pikachu, and the other quags on their time jumped at the sound of the voice. Ash visbily bristled, before gasping in delight.
"Pikachu, look! Guzma's finally waking up!" he shouted.
"Pika pi!" Pikachu affirmed with a nod.
Guzma had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on anymore. The last thing he remembered was this small ass child and his electric rat and band of weirdly dressed quagsire giving him a boatload of shit for just walking through, and next thing he knew, he'd blacked out. In true quag fashion.
"Did you...fuckin' mug me?" Guzma asked Ash, the alarm in his voice slowly rising.
Ash held up his hands in defense, shaking them for good measure. "No! Not at all. It's just..." he trailed off, averting his gaze toward the ground. "I don't really know how to explain it."
Blinking the quag stars out of his eyes, Guzma slowly began to push himself to sit up. He wondered why he felt so small, but it had to be the effects of passing out. "Well, ya better get that mouth movin', or I'ma--"
As Guzma picked up his hand to ball it into a quaggible fist, he felt his soul leave his body as he gave himself a face full of blue.
Stubby and blue. Not his fist.
"What the--"
A jolt of quagalicious adrenaline had him up on his feet. Those felt just as stubby. And he really was closer to the ground than normal...
His senses drew him to a lone puddle on the ground, and he rushed toward it in order to get a good look at himself. But what stared back at him wasn't him.
It was a goddamn quagsire.
"The hell is this?!" he shrieked.
Ash inhaled through his teeth. "That's...what I was trying to explain. Pikachu and I seem to have this issue where everyone we run into turns into...a quagsire."
Guzma was still gawking quagliciously at his new appearance. So much so, it took him a few seconds to register what Ash had said. When he finally did, he whipped around to shoot a violent glare at the kid.
"But you hopped on MY ass," he said angrily. Quaggily. "You approached me knowin' damn well this was gonna happen?"
"W-well," Ash stammered, "I figured you'd be pretty helpful in helping us with the shadow quags!"
"Pika!" Pikachu interjected.
Guzma blinked his heavy quag lids. Gods, he fucking hated this. He felt stupid already. "Sh...shadow quags?"
"Indeed," said Archer-Quag. "We are under the impression this boy has been cursed with the Quagening, which causes him to involunatrily turn others into quagsire. The only way to stop it is to hunt down and defeat the shadow quags themselves, as they are responsible for it.
"And truthfully, we need all the help we can get," Rogue-Quag added.
The Team Skull boss stood there in stunned, quaggy silence for a long, quaggish time.
"Are...are you all snortin' cocaine?"
Ash scrunched his brows in quagful confusion. "What's cocaine?"
"Doesn't matter," Guzma shouted. "The bottom line is that you're all have to be high off your fuckin' asses."
"Guzma, we understand this is a lot to process," The Almighty Quag said calmly. "But, we have a big adventure story ahead of us, and--"
"No, no, fuck all that," Guzma interrupted. "If I'm gonna be somehow shoehorned into all this as a fuckin' quagsire, you bet your limp dick that this story's gonna be about me now."
Ash, Pikachu, and the other quags gasped. In quag.
"That is not how you should be speaking to a ten-year-old!" Almighty chastised him. Guzma threw up his fat, stubby, quaggous arms dismissively.
"As a quagsire my fuckin' self now, I don't give a ratatta's ass. Screw you guys; I'm goin' home."
Guzma, now unfortunately a quagsire, set off to figure out what the fuck quagsire actually did with their stupid brains and free time. But he sure as fuck wasn't gonna waste it fighting shadow quags, or whatever the hell that meant.
Sinderella
Part Nine
Some time had passed and night had fallen. Guzma found himself outside of a large brick station, a train standing ready on the tracks nearby.
“Huh? The train’s running?” he wondered aloud.
“Sure is - and so is the post office.”
Guzma turned to see another Quagsire staring at the train, a bowl of soup in one of its big hands.
“You talkin to me?”
The Quagsire turned to look at him. “Well, you asked a question, so I thought I’d answer.”
Guzma scowled. “Did I look like I was expecting one? You think you’re being helpful or something?”
“I meant nothing by it - we’re both Quagsire here,” the other Quagsire replied, “Although, I guess we didn’t used to be.”
“Smart observation there,” Guzma said, looking annoyed.
They stood there watching the train as the other Quagsire noisily slurped his soup.
“So why is the train running, Mr. Big Brain?” Guzma asked after a while.
“The same reason you are walking,” the Quagsire replied, “My name is Simon actually.”
Guzma looked at Simon, annoyed. “Yeah, that sounds like a big brain name to me. Now answer the question.”
Simon’s expression was unchanged. “When you turned into a Quagsire, did you curl up in a ball on the ground? Punch a hole in the wall? Maybe you cried a bit.” He shrugged. “Then what did you do after that? What I’m trying to say is that the train is running because what else are you going to do? Panic? People might be Quagsire now, but it doesn’t mean the world has to stop to worry about it.”
“Uh, yeah,” Guzma said, not really following. “For the record, I did try the second one, but...” He looked down at his fat fish hands.
“That’s fair - personally I cried myself for awhile,” Simon said, “Then I smoked a cigarette. It’s easier than you think!”
Guzma sighed. “So what? Are you saying people just decided to ignore this and pretend nothing happened?”
“Not really, it’s just that there’s no real alternative.”
Another Quagsire wearing a conductor's hat came out of the building carrying a sandwich. It leaned against the wall and started eating.
Simon walked over to the other Quagsire. “Hey, my buddy over here was wondering why the train was running today.”
Guzma narrowed his eyes at Simon. “Did you fucking call me Buddy?”
“Uhm, well...” the other Quagsire looked pensive. “When I woke up this morning and saw the news, it was shocking - but we can still run the trains. No one really told us not to, and I thought it would be helpful if people needed to get places, especially if there was an emergency.”
“See?” Simon looked at Guzma. “I saw more than half my co-workers today. It’s not that people aren’t afraid or anything, we just have to do what we can because there’s nothing else we can do.”
Guzma thought about it for a moment.
“That’s stupid,” he said after a moment. “People turning into pokemon and you still go into the office? Whatever losers.”
The other Quagsire gave them a pained smile and shuffled away to eat his sandwich. Simon looked unperturbed. “It never hurts to do what you do best,” he said.
============================
“Why am I riding a train alone with a guy?” Guzma mumbled, staring out the window at the night sky.
“Riding trains is a fairly popular pastime you know,” Simon said, sitting across from him. The train car was empty except for the two of them. “So, what are you going to do now, whoever you are?”
“It’s Guzma,” Guzma said, jabbing Simon with a finger. “You can address me as Sir if you want.” He grinned.
“Hmm? The very same leader of that group of troublemakers, Skull or something?”
“That’s Team Skull to you,” Guzma said, crossing his arms. “So you’ve heard of me? Maybe you’re feeling a bit scared now, huh?”
Simon blinked. “Actually I was thinking of what to make for dinner. Although, I’ve seen you on TV before, I didn’t recognize you at all, haha!”
“Real funny joke,” Guzma growled, frowning. He turned away from Simon.
“Hey, no need to sulk,” Simon said, “I know it’s a bit strange right now, but we’ll be fine!”
Guzma whirled on him, grabbing the other Quagsire by the shoulders. “How is this going to be fine? How does any of this even happen?” he yelled. He sank back into the seat. “This is so fucked up. This and the shadow quag thing.”
“Shadow quag?” Simon looked interested, “What are those?”
“Beats me,” Guzma grumbled, “Apparently they’re after me.”
“Really?” Simon looked down in thought. “I mean, I have a guess. Even if everything is still running, we’re in something of a societal transitory development, wouldn’t you think?”
Guzma stared at him. “Choose different words if you’re going to make an acronym for this crap.”
“So in a period of turmoil, it’s best to work for stability,” Simon continued, ignoring him. “But on the flip side, isn’t it also a good time to take care of loose ends?”
Guzma took a moment to process Simon’s words. “Wait, are you suggesting someone is sending fucking assassins after me?”
“From what I remember from that news special, you are considered something of a nuisance to the Alolan economy,” Simon said apologetically, “I guess on the upside you are harder to find now that we all look the same.”
“If you say so,” Guzma said, rubbing his head. “There’s no way to know if that’s the truth or not anyway.”
“That’s what you have to figure out,” he replied, “Are the shadow quags out to kill you, or something worse?”
RJR Basimilus
Part Ten
“Whoa, talk about paranoia!” Quagbert’s shadow said, the little patch of darkness on the forest floor almost imperceptibly shifting as it raised its arms. “Think about it logically – corpses don’t cast shadows, so why would we want to kill you?”
Quagbert glared down at his tormentor. “Don’t make me walk into that shady patch again.”
“Uh, you know that doesn’t actually do anything to me, right? Just kinda obscures me for a bit?”
“Ooh, look who doesn’t have a head anymore!” Quagbert said, moving so that the upper half of his shadow fell into the shade cast by a stand of dead trees. “Oops, so much for your arms… and your feet… and your tail!”
“Yeah, don’t really care,” a voice emanated from roughly where Quagbert’s shadow’s head would’ve been sans tree shade.
“Grrr...”
Quagxander sighed. “Can you try to take this seriously, Quagbert? If we can’t figure out what the shadows want, we’re all going to starve to death.” He gestured at the dead forest around him. Not a single living plant could be seen – every branch of every tree and shrub was dead and barren, the grass was brown and wilted, and even the moss growing on rocks had shriveled away.
“You know, I’ve always said that if we grew up as some sort of hypothetical little armless form that only later spontaneously transformed into Quagsire, the clear separation between child and adult stages might lead to some of us acting a little more mature,” Quagifer piped up.
“Your weird hypotheticals also aren’t very helpful!”
“C’mon, we’ve explained our purpose a million times already!” Quagxander’s shadow said. “We’re doing this to exalt you!”
“How is killing off all the plants ‘exalting’ us!?” Quagxander spat, an action which, for a Quagsire, caused substantial globs of mud to spray out of his mouth.
Quagifer’s shadow crossed its arms, or at least that was what she presumed it was doing from the limited visual evidence. “Now that is just total hyperbole! We haven’t killed all the plants. Look, there’s a living dandelion just over there!”
“Oh, wow, you’re right! Ha-ha, I haven’t seen one of those in ages!” Quagbert exclaimed, and started to waddle towards a lone, green-stalked dandelion poking out from behind a fallen branch.
“No! Quagbert, wait-”
As soon as Quagbert came close, his shadow extended an arm to overlap the dandelion. The shadow’s darkness rapidly intensified, changing the ground from a merely dimly lit area into an inky blackness devoid of all light, and then it went even further, turning it into a region of anti-light which was as blindingly dark as the sun was bright. And just as light nourished plants and allowed them to grow, anti-light had the opposite effect, wasting and shriveling them. The dandelion crumpled to the forest floor, its crown of yellow pedals wilting and falling away.
Quagbert’s shadow mimed slapping its forehead. “Whoa, oops, how did that happen? Wow, you really think I would’ve learned how to control myself after the last thousand times I did that!”
“Arrrggghhh!” Quagbert threw himself to the ground and plunged his arms into the soil in an attempt to strangle his shadow, an extremely unproductive endeavor.
“Um, I don’t think shadows need to breathe, Quagbert-” Quagifer said.
Quagbert showed no signs of listening, but Quagxander perked up, shocked out of the sobbing fit he’d just entered into. “Need to breathe...” he muttered. “...need to- Oh my Quag, that’s it! That’s what the shadows want! Come on, we have to tell everyone!” He charged off down a trail at maximum Quagsire land velocity, which wasn’t very fast. His companions soon followed, calling for him to slow down.
Eventually, they reached Quagsire Village, a collection of now mostly-empty mud huts surrounding a placid lake. A few Quagsires were slumped around the place in various stages of despair and resignation. “Guys, guys! I’ve discovered the shadows’ weakness!” Quagxander proclaimed. “It’s fire! That’s why they’re killing all the plants! Plants produce oxygen, which is necessary for fire! It should’ve been obvious! They’re shadows, obviously they hate anything bright!”
“Ha-ha, no, that’s definitely not it,” Quagxander’s shadow said.
“Shut up! Does anyone here know how to start a fire?”
One of the village Quagsires managed to raise her head just slightly off the ground. “Oh, did you say ‘fire’? I’m really good at putting those out!”
“Yeah, I’ve never seen a fire I couldn’t immediately smother with water guns or mud shots!” another one bragged.
“No, no! Not extinguish fires! Start them!” Quagxander yelled. He was met with a sea of blank stares. “Come on… anyone?”
“You know, starting fires would be a lot easier if there was some sort of hypothetical creature that exhaled fire like we can exhale water, maybe even one with its tail permanently on fire without getting burned somehow!” Quagifer proclaimed.
“Hypothetical entities are of no use to us!” Quagxander snapped. “Come on, think- think! Besides fire and the sun, is there anything else which produces light?”
“Uh… lightning?” Quagbert suggested.
“Yes, yes, that’s it! Does anyone know how to create lightning?” Another glum silence.
“...you know, producing lightning would a lot easier if there was some sort of hypothetical creature that could wield the elemental power of electricity-”
“Electricity isn’t an element!”
“Yep, we’re doomed...” one of the village Quagsires muttered.
Just then, another Quagsire waddled into the village. “Quagexxa! You’re back! Did you find any plants the shadows hadn’t gotten to yet?”
“I did, actually!” Quagexxa said cheefully.
“Oh my Quag, we’re saved! If we manage to start a garden which we carefully isolate from the shadows, maybe by only approaching it at dawn or dusk while facing the sun’s direction, we can start breeding plant-eating insects which we use to feed fish which we use to feed bigger fish and eventually reboot the whole food chain-”
“Right, so, the key word there was hadn’t gotten to yet,” Quagexxa said. “They’re all dead now. My shadow killed ‘em.”
Quagxander screamed. “What? HOW!”
“Yeah, so, it’s kind of hard to tell the difference between a living plant and a dead plant that just happens to be covered in blood or red dust or something from a distance, so whenever I got close enough to check, boom, shadow got it.”
“You know, I’ve always said that mistakes like this wouldn’t happen if instead of Quagsire we were some sort of hypothetical creature with visual systems that saw blood and living grass as having different colors,” Quagifer noted.
“Hey everyone, that was the last of the plants! We’re all done!” Quagexxa’s shadow called, eliciting cheers and whoops from everyone else’s shadow, and moans of despair from the three-dimensional Quagsire attached to them.
Above the village, the clouds parted, and a giant Quagsire shining with an aura of divine light descended from the heavens. “BEHOLD! I AM THE QUAGOD, YOUR CREATOR! I HAVE COME TO REVEAL THE PURPOSE BEHIND ANIMATING YOUR SHADOWS!”
The villagers gasped and trembled in fear. “This better be good...” Quagxander snarled.
“WHEN I CREATED THIS WORLD, I DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD HAVE NO OTHER INTELLIGENT LIFE BESIDE QUAGSIRE, THE ULTIMATE LIFE-FORM! BUT THEN I GREW UNSATISFIED! IT IS NOT ENOUGH THAT QUAGSIRE ARE THE ONLY INTELLIGENT LIFE, THEY MUST BE THE ONLY LIVING ORGANISMS, PERIOD! SO TO THAT END, I ANIMATED YOUR SHADOWS AND ORDERED THEM TO EXTERMINATE ALL PLANT LIFE, THUS ELIMINATING THE BASE OF THE FOOD WEB AND ENSURING THE EVENTUAL EXTINCTION OF EVERY OTHER CREATURE!”
“But now we’re all going to starve to death!”
“BETTER A FEW MOMENTS OF PURE QUAGSIRE PERFECTION THAN AN ETERNAL NON-QUAGSIRE-CREATURE-CONTAINING-WORLD!”
“There will never be a moment where Quagsire are the only living things! We’re gonna die long before all the little bugs and fungi do!”
“FOOLISH MORTAL! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE TOP BLOCK OF A PYRAMID IS THE LAST TO HIT THE GROUND WHEN THE BASE IS DESTROYED! AND AS IT IS WITH LITERAL PYRAMIDS, SO TOO IS IT TRUE OF METAPHORICAL FOOD PYRAMIDS!”
“I don’t even think that’s true of actual pyramids!” Quagxander screamed.
“NOW, I MUST RETURN TO THE HEAVENS AND BEHOLD THE UTOPIA I HAVE CREATED! SAVOR YOUR LAST FEW MOMENTS OF BEING ABLE TO FOCUS ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN CONSTANT, GNAWING STARVATION AND USE THEM TO APPRECIATE MY GIFT!” The Quagod slowly began to ascend back up into the air.
“You know, I’ve always said that this whole mass famine thing wouldn’t be a problem if instead of Quagsire, we were some sort of hypothetical steel-skinned tortoise-like creature that could eat iron ore instead of anything organic,” Quagifer remarked.
The Quagod froze. “WAIT. THIS HYPOTHETICAL CREATURE SOUNDS INTRIGUING. TELL ME MORE.”
Quagifer beamed up at them. “See, I was thinking this creature would have elemental rock and steel manipulation powers the same way we have elemental ground and water manipulation powers, and then when it got old enough it would spontaneously transform into a larger tortoise creature with three extra spikes on its back, and then when it got even older it would spontaneously transform again into a big bipedal thing that defended trees and soil and stuff even though logically it shouldn’t care about any of that ‘cause it ate minerals and not plants!”
“None of rock, steel, ground, or water are really ‘elements’!” Quagxander protested. Everyone ignored him.
“VERY INTERESTING! HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF ANY MORE OF THESE HYPOTHETICAL CREATURES?”
“Oh, have I ever! I have this idea for a super-cute hypothetical creature with skin that’s covered in this weird brown and white strandy stuff that’s really soft to touch, and it’ll look like a lot of other creatures but nobody will be able to agree on exactly which one, and it’ll be really active and playful because its body can produce its own heat so it’ll always be warm, and it can spontaneously transform into a wide variety of other hypothetical creatures depending on what rocks it’s touched or various other conditions!”
“HMMM, THAT DOES SOUND LIKE IT’D BE SUPER-CUTE.”
“Ooh, if you like cute hypothetical creatures I’ve got another one, it’s also covered in comparatively-short strandy-stuff which is yellow and brown instead of white and brown, and it has a tail that looks like lightning except not really ‘cause it just zigs and zags back and forth instead of branching out like a tree, and it can zap people with enough force that it should logically kill them but instead just causes their strandy stuff to stand on end for a bit somehow, and it can also spontaneously transform by touching the right rock but it won’t want to ‘cause that’ll make it less cute!”
“INCREDIBLE!”
And so, Quagifer babbled for hours about hundreds of hypothetical creatures. When she was finally done, the Quagod slowly beat their giant tail in contemplation, causing immense gusts of wind to rush over the village. “I’LL BE HONEST, THESE HYPOTHETICAL CREATURES SOUND WAY COOLER THAN QUAGSIRE ARE. LIVING IN A WORLD WITH JUST QUAGSIRE AS THE ONLY EVEN VAGUELY INTERESTING CREATURES FOR MILLENNIA HAD BLINDED ME TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT MORE APPEALING FORMS COULD EXIST! YES, I NOW SEE THAT ATTEMPTING TO CREATE A WORLD WITH ONLY ONE SPECIES OF LIFE IN IT WAS A HORRIBLE MISTAKE – AN ‘OOPS’, YOU COULD SAY.”
“I think tortoises are also vaguely interesting...” Quagexxa muttered.
“I WILL NOW OFFER YOU A CHOICE: I CAN RESTORE THIS WORLD’S ECOSYSTEM TO ITS PREVIOUS STATE, AND BRING TO LIFE THE CREATURES OF QUAGIFER’S IMAGINATION. BUT! THIS WOULD COME AT A HORRIBLE COST! QUAGSIRE WOULD THEN BECOME THE MOST BORING INTELLIGENT CREATURES ON THE PLANET, PROBABLY ONLY REMEMBERED AS A ‘MEME’ IN SOME OBSCURE INTERNET FORUM SOMEWHERE, WHICH LIKELY WOULDN’T EVEN FEATURE QUAGSIRE IN THE MAJORITY OF ITS STORIES! DARE YOU ACCEPT THIS TERRIBLE FATE?”
“Yes! YES! Anything’s better than starving to death!”
“Gosh, I don’t know, guys. I really think we need to sit down and think this one through,” Quagbert said.
“Actually, if you think about it, wouldn’t Quagsire still be pretty interesting now that they’ve got the whole sapient plant-killing shadow thing going on?” said Quagbert’s shadow.
“HMM, GOOD POINT! I’LL GO RIGHT AHEAD, THEN! ALTHOUGH YOU SHADOWS WILL HAVE TO KILL PLANTS ONLY OCCASIONALLY SO I DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN! BLARRRRGGHHH!” The Quagod opened up their vast mouth and sprayed out a torrent of divinely glowing water, which caused plants to spring back to life wherever it touched. Then the Quagod aimed at the lake and spouted out a stream of fat fish into it, replacing the ones lost from the ecological disaster. All the village Quagsire cried out and joy and dived in, eager to refill their stomachs.
Finally, the Quagod turned to a conveniently empty patch of ground and unleashed a mighty mud shot, and out of the mud arose entirely new forms of life, and the era of Oops, All Quag! was over at last.
THE END
The Walrein
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