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Exquisite Corpse 2022: Legendary POV II

Chibi Pika

Stay positive
somewhere in spacetime
  1. custom/pikachu-chibi
  2. lugia
  3. palkia
  4. custom/lucario-shiny
  5. custom/incineroar-starr
It's finally time to dive into the second legendary POV corpse, which will definitely show us the 100% factual truth of what it's like to live as a legendary Pokemon! (Or it might take us on a wild and wacky nonsense adventure, but who's keeping track.) Like all the other fics of its type, each author only got to see the final two sentences of the previous part of the story! Here's the list of participants in case you want to guess who wrote each part! Thanks to everyone who participated!

Thousand Roads Exquisite Corpse 2022
Legendary POV II



His eyes popped open, the motion of each eyelid creating swells of water. Though it was pitch black on the ocean floor, he sensed everything around him--every craggy rock, every shift in the sand, every silly creature that dared to venture near him.

He looked up. The darkness smothered him, but it was too easy to overcome. Shaking off his sleepiness, he pushed off the floor with his flippers, propelling himself upward, out of the Hadal Zone, through the water column, and into the pelagic. Every push of his flippers created massive waves. Every Pokemon who sensed his presence immediately swam for their lives.

Before long, the darkness leeched away and sunlight poked through the water, turning the black to navy to turquoise. He saw the sun shining above the surface of the waters, sparkling on the wave tops. But he was accelerating so quickly that the changes passed in an instant--he barely took in the glimmering sunlight before breaking through the waves. Opening his maw, he roared powerfully as he breached. Before he slammed back into the surface of the water, the bright sun was overtaken by grey, stormy clouds.

His enormous form slammed into the open ocean, creating tidal waves. Once he hit the water, he turned and spiraled, spinning along horizontally below the surface. The waves, which had been peaceful moments before, were turbid and aggressive. The vicious rain that lashed down turned the ocean surface violent.

He shot through the water like a bullet, his blood burning through his veins. The entire ocean heard his bellow, and sea creatures flew away in terror before him. The ocean was his--his to rule, his to create, his to conquer, and his alone.


A coldness--not like the cold of the ocean that he always felt, but a new sort of coldness--closed over his heart. He stopped propelling himself forward, and soon, he drifted aimlessly beneath a grey, rainy sky.


Without a swim bladder to keep himself buoyant, he began to sink as he ceased moving. As always, the ocean--empty of all other life--welcomed him in its embrace. He sank into the depths, his eyes half-closed as he watched the grey fade to black.


The depths rose to greet him. He stared into the abyss and the abyss stared into him. He was the abyss--he created it, breathed life into it, made it a home for every creature that now called it home. Every creature that was now too afraid of him to interact with him and fled at his scent.

He barely kept his eyes open as he sank and the light grew dimmer. It was a privilege to be granted this enormous power, to be sure, but more often than not, he was incredibly lonely. But when he possessed the power to empty entire ocean basins, no creature would dare come near him.

Just before he sank into the darkness, out of the light, something caught his eye. Looking up, he saw the tiniest little thing speeding through the water column--

And it was speeding towards him!

Nothing ever dared approach him, and if it was bold enough to, he usually fought it off. But to see something less than a fraction of his size swim to him piqued his curiosity, and he did nothing but watch as the being came closer.

As the creature drew near, as blue and fluid as the water itself, with a red gem shining upon its breast, Kyogre balked.

"Just what the hell are you?"

Starlight Aurate

They were small in stature, yet to ordain it with the title of “creature” would be an insult to their majesty. Their skin glistened in the sunlight as two antennae flowed through the wind like a soft stream. The yellow markings adorning their head spoke of mystical origin as their soft body invited all life in the sea in its comforting embrace.

“Me? Why, I’m the Prince of the Sea, Manaphy,” they said as their wide, shining eyes fluttered open. Their voice was a shining whisper — gentle, yet still confident enough to be carried through the howling sea around them.

“Prince?” Kyogre scoffed as their piercing gaze judged the tiny morsel before them, “There is only one ruler of the sea! The great Leviathan, the master of every thunderous tsunami and wailing wave, the one who commands the ocean! It is I, the King of the Sea, Kyogre!” The legendary Pokémon proclaimed as they rose and peered down at the so-called ‘prince’.

Certainly, this ‘Manaphy’ had caught them by surprise, at first. Very few could wrestle against the rage of the Alpha Sea, and even fewer would have the audacity to try to show off in front of its sovereign. Still, they were but a guppy next to a god! A mere mortal and nothing more! What gave them the right to try to claim a royal title of the sea?

“Is that so?” Manaphy replied, unfazed as their voice remained as smooth as a gentle brook, “Tell me then, ‘King’, why the theatrics?” With an amused smirk, they placed their tender paw on their chin as they added, “Surely, you’re not afraid of little ol' me?”

The roar that followed rumbled the waters as the explosion of sound spoke of a time far beyond the comprehension of man. The ocean itself quivered in fear as the waters shifted and parted to make way for the sheer presence of its king.

Manaphy remained still even as everything around them trembled in terror. They were utterly unfazed by the display of power. “Ah, but what is a king without its crown, hmm?” They remarked as they closed their eyes.

Their antennae rose as two pink spheres of energy formed at the tips of each. One fired straight at the king, while the other wandered to a whimpering Wishiwashi that happened to get caught in the currents.

Both had taken the spheres head on — the first out of arrogance, and the second from being scared stiff. The two Pokémon felt their minds fog as their vision faded into twilight. Then, in a ceremonious blink, their eye colors turned as blue as the waters they swam in.

As the king's vision returned, they recoiled at the sight of the now comparatively enormous Manaphy. Their mouth hung open as they processed everything. In that moment, they rediscovered a feeling that had thought they had long cast aside and forgotten: fear.

On pure instinct, they brushed their fins to bend the water to their will and strike at the so-called prince, only to find that all they managed to move were puny bubbles. They gawked at their now pathetically small silver fins before their eyes turned back to Manaphy – shaking in a mixture of awe, anger, and anxiousness.

“H-How?!” Kyogre slapped their mouth shut as they realized that the miniscule squeaks that eeked out were a part of their new voice. It was the voice of the Wishiwashi that they had been swapped with. “Just… what are you?!”

“I told you already, didn’t I? I’m the Prince of the Sea,” Manaphy replied with a playful giggle; despite all the power they held over their now-feeble counterpart, their tone remained gentle and matter-of-fact — as though they were a child teaching their younger sibling the world's wisdom in a few simple words. “By the way, Kyogre, you may want to reign in the Wishiwashi who has your body now. They seem to be crying in the corner.”


With that said, Kyogre, who no longer controls his body, used his secret telekinetic powers to ask for help in reigning in Wishwashi.

If anyone can hear me, this is Kyogre. My body was taken over by a wild Wishiwashi and I am currently powerless to reel in the intruder. Please, help me!

Unfortunately, his plea for help fell on the ears of his longtime rival, and upon hearing it, began laughing at his expense.

It’s not funny, Groudon! I need your help!

Groudon, who’s currently busy playing video games, is unamused. “Nah.”

Nah? What do you mean by Nah!?

“As you can see, or hear, I’m currently busy playing video games in my den. So, if you ask me, you should ask someone else for help.”

This irked Kyogre. Although they were rivals, Kyogre knew that Groudon did have some sense of honor. Yet, here he was, denying him the help that he needs.

You don’t understand. If I don’t gain control of my body again, Wishiwashi could wreak havoc using MY powers! Do you really want to risk that?

Groudon pondered on the thought. He didn’t want to risk another deadly fight with his rival, even if it’s controlled by another Pokemon.

Groudon grumbled and rubbed his forehead. “You have a good point. Alright, I’ll help you.”

Thank yo-

“On one condition.”

Kyogre grumbled. Alright, what is it?

I want to borrow your PS5.



Ugh, okay. You can borrow it. Just be careful with the thing, okay?

And with that, Groudon sets out on a quest to help Kyogre regain control of his body. With this uneasy alliance, who knows what it will bring to the two of them.


“Are you, uhm, talking in third person?”

Kyogre hesitated. “Yes,” he said slowly, “I just wanted to lighten the mood.”

“There is no mood to bring up - there is no levity anywhere,” Groudon replied, “You’ve been turned into a mushroom that’s growing on my head. If anything, this is like a nightmare Darkrai created.”

“A nightmare is a ferociously relative concept,” Kyogre-shroom mumbled, “Besides, are nightmares usually beautiful like this?”

Groudon stood on the edge of a steep cliff, a little ways up a gigantic nameless mountain. Crushed trees lay around her, mounds of pine needles blowing around in the wind. Above them, a storm was brewing, wicked clouds slowly coalescing into a mass that blocked the peak of the mountain from view. Glittering bands of light broke through the remaining holes in the clouds, shining down on the rugged forest far below. It was eerily silent, the native pokemon having fled from the titanic Groudon.

Honestly, I’m not super impressed, Kyogre thought, Maybe if this were a seaside cliff it would be super romantic.

Groudon stared out into the distance. “I guess it’s beautiful,” she said, “But I’ve seen better.”

Kyogre shroom-sighed. “Anyway, what do we do now?”

“We fix this, what else would we do, dummy?” Groudon sighed. “Out of anyone it could have been - any situation - it had to be you.”

“W-well, all the fights we’ve had are in the past now, right?” Kyogre asked, feeling unsettled, “There’s always time to make up!”

Groudon scowled. “I might just tear you off my head instead.”

“Oookaaayy,” Kyogre squeaked, quivering.


The storm had arrived, snow falling fiercely in diagonal lines, punctuated by the occasional fleck of hail. Groudon trudged forward, laser focused on the path in front of her, while Shroom-ogre was little more than an unfortunate umbrella, yelping in pain as he was pelted by ice.

Trying to ignore his misery, a sudden thought popped into Kyogre’s head.

“At the risk of tempting fate, why haven’t you just pulled me off your head?” Kyogre asked, “We’ve fought thousands of times and keep getting in arguments. Granted I usually win - but why not just finish me off now?”

Groudon stopped. “There is no risk in what you asked,” she said in a low voice. “You are simply begging me to kill you.” She sighed. “I’m too tired right now to want to hurt you. Plus, what would Rayquaza do to me after that?”

“Congratulate you maybe? Most pokemon and humans live on land anyway.” Kyogre did the best approximation of a mushroom shrug he could manage. “Besides, the sea is just a guest to the earth underneath it. To put it another way, it’s like we’re hugging all the time.”

“At this point, it’s better to let you live so I can torture you for that comment,” Groudon replied. Her expression softened. “But... do you really think Rayquaza likes me more than you?”

Kyogre frowned. “You don’t have to have any sympathy for me now, not after everything we’ve done to each other. But there’s got to be a favorite, right?” He hesitated. “Let’s not talk about this; how are we going to get me back to my body again?”

“At the top of this mountain lives Articuno,” Groudon said, staring upwards into the solid white blizzard. “We’ll have her freeze you solid in a block of ice so I can preserve you until I figure out what to do.”

Kyogre was shroomfounded dumbfounded. “That’s your plan?!” he cried, “Couldn’t Mew just like change me back or someone else?”

“And make me look stupid?” Groudon shook her head. “I want to get this resolved with the least amount of attention.”

Kyogre was still reeling. “But doesn’t going to Articuno add an extra link in the chain?”

“She doesn’t talk to anyone unless it’s about useless trivia,” Groudon said, “And the longer you stay on my head, the more I feel like you’re going to just get stuck there.”

“I see,” Kyogre muttered in despair, knowing he had little choice in the matter.

Maybe you could at least say sorry, he thought.

“I know it sucks, but I’ll fix this,” Groudon said. She paused, an odd expression on her face. “And uh, sorry for being so particular.”

“Eh- oh it’s, it’s alright!” Kyogre said, feeling a strange happiness from Groudon’s apology. “Thank you - we don’t usually see eye to eye.”

“Don’t get used to it,” Groudon retorted.


Nearing the peak they passed through the clouds, a blustery and confusing experience of wandering completely blind, only to emerge into bright sunlight. Shielding her eyes from the sun, Groudon looked around the high plateau. Kyogre had his own mushroom protection from the brim of his mushroom head, something he seemed to be ambivalently enjoying.

Kyogre spotted something in the distance. “Is that... a tent?” he asked, baffled.

“I guess,” Groudon said, blinking, “Urgh, my head hurts from that storm.”

It was a tent. As they drew closer they could see that the tent was entirely made out of ice. From one of the sides, Articuno emerged, chewing on something.

“Hey,” Groudon said, giving a short wave.

“Hmm?” Articuno turned to look at them. “Groudon? Wow, a visit from you is something I wouldn’t even think of putting on a bucket list.” She paused. “Unless you’re here to get some ice.”

Groudon’s eyes flickered upwards to Mush-ogre. “Strictly speaking? Yes.”

“Yeah, I know right?” Articuno was suddenly animated, bouncing up and down. “Mountain ice is the best - totally pure and absolutely perfect for improving blood flow. Here, you should have some of this too!”

Without waiting for a reply, Articuno leapt up to Groudon, flapping her wings. She stuffed something in Groudon’s mouth then stepped back, smiling. “Tree nuts and boiled sawgrass. Really healthy stuff, good for muscle function and memory improvement.”

Too caught off guard to reply, Groudon slowly chewed the mixture. After a moment, she spit it out, looking disgusted. “Why are you eating this?” she asked.

“It’s a paleo diet,” Articuno said, producing a magazine from somewhere. “It’s a big hit with humans you know. Living like they did in the ancient past - I can really see what they’re getting at!” She paused. “You know, aren’t you and Kyogre old like that? I heard you can go primal or whatever, this diet is perfect for you two!”

Groudon nodded. “Yeah. If you say so.”

Kyogre looked pensive. “I don’t know, Groudon. It sounds convincing to me.”

“Who’s the mushroom?” Articuno asked, looking at Kyo-shroom curiously. “I like the style.”

“This is Kyogre,” Groudon said, pointing at the idiot-shroom on her head. “Long story. Also, can I have... have some more nuts, please?”

“Oh? Didn’t sound like it you were super into it earlier, but hey, if I convinced you, then I’m happy!” Articuno ducked into the ice tent for a moment before emerging with more nuts, some of them severely burnt. “Sorry if they look bad, it’s my first time cooking.”

“Thanks,” Groudon said, accepting the nuts. “I don’t really like them, but I am kind of hungry after climbing the mountain. Or something...” She seemed to be unsure.

“Sounds good!” Articuno said, “And if it’s a long story, then I don’t need to hear it,” Articuno shrugged. “I’ve seen weird stuff before. You know, I read a story recently in my funny girl trivia book about this hiker-”


It was three hours before Articuno finished the story. While she was busy telling it, the ice bird gathered a pile of sticks and before long, had built a campfire. The sun was setting, and they saw across from each other.

“Okay, Kyogre, this is a classic question,” Articuno said, “If you had wings and could fly, where would you want to go?”

Kyogre thought about it. “I think I’d like to go to the beach.”

“A beach would be nice...” Groudon mumbled, staring blankly at the fire.

“But you live in the ocean,” Articuno said, “Couldn’t you just throw yourself onto a beach and hang out there?”

Kyogre made a face. “It doesn’t feel great though. I’m assuming that if I have wings then I’m fine out of water, which I am generally, but you know I can’t really move because I have fins. One reason I’m jealous of Lugia by the way.”

Groudon blinked, mumbling. “Jealous.”

“What about you?” Kyogre asked.

“Hmmm.” Articuno looked at the evening sky. “If I could fly, I would go to a big forest. Not many trees around here you know?”

For a second, they sat silently.

“Oh right, I can fly,” Articuno said.

“Oops, I forgot,” Kyogre replied sheepishly.

“Wwe forgo-t.”

Kyogre looked down. “Um... Groudon?”

Articuno stared at Groudon. “You don’t look too good, Groudon. Everything okay?”

Groudon stared forward silently, unmoving.

“Uh, ah, err, what’s going on?” Kyogre said panicking, “Is Groudon okay?”

“Maybe she was allergic to those nuts,” Articuno said thoughtfully, “Wait here, Kyogre.”

Articuno hopped back to the tent, coming back with a box. “You know how humans eat cereal?” she said, trying to open the box with her wings. “And how there’s prizes or like tickets in the boxes.”

“No?” Kyogre said, mystified, “I have no idea what cereal is.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Articuno said, “The point is, I got a friend of mine to buy some for me recently, and I found a mail in token for these!” She turned around, wearing a bizarre pair of spiral glasses. “Real X-ray glasses! I had to collect 30 tokens for these!”

Kyogre looked at Articuno. “What does that mean? X-ray?” he asked desperately.

“It means I can see inside you now,” Articuno said, examining Groudon closely. “Yep, I see the problem. Kyogre, try thinking about Groudon’s left arm.”

Kyogre was about to dismiss Articuno’s suggestion, when he was struck by an overpowering melancholy. “What am I doing with myself,” he said quietly, closing his eyes and imagining Groudon reaching up and petting him. The rough but gentle caress of her powerful claws, for once not tearing into him, but comforting him.

“My suspicions are confirmed!” Articuno’s voice rang out, snapping Kyogre out of his shroom-trance. He looked around in a daze before realizing with a start that Groudon was in fact idly stroking his head.


“Well you know how you’re a mushroom?” Articuno asked, completely unfazed, “Your roots grew into Groudon’s head. Also, you look like you’re about to cry.”

“W-whuh,” Kyogre stammered, feeling a chill.

A thought flashed through his head, spiraling and tumbling over and over in Kyogre’s head.

I did what?

“So like, you’re one and the same almost,” Articuno continued, “Like - Grouogre... or Kyogon? I like the second one better.”


Articuno babbled on. “If you think about it, it’s really a logical conclusion. The sea and the land are on the same planet. Rayquaza’s different, because he is of the sky. Actually, I think it’s technically the ozone layer? Not that it makes any difference to me.”

I didn’t mean to...

“Cause is there really a boundary between space and the sky? I really don’t think gravity fits the bill, because the moon has gravity too. Oh, oh! It’s like 1.6 meters per second you know! I read that in a magazine. Do you think Deoxys knows anything about that stuff?”

I - me

Articuno looked at Kyogre strangely. “So if you’re the land and the sea, does that make you a brane? You know, you basically represent the zeroth dimension.” She hesitated. “Actually on second thought, it’s more like quantum superposition. You’re Groudon and Groudon is you.”

Kyogre felt drained. “Why did this happen? I didn’t want to hurt Groudon.”

“Wow, that’s kind of a breakthrough isn’t it?” Articuno said in surprise. “You usually hate each other.”

“The past is the past,” Kyogre said, tearing up. “I realized... that I really like having my head patted.”

“Oh.” Articuno looked as if someone had shone bright lights in her eyes. “Well uh, you’re kind of a glorified Parasect now.”

“Then what do I do to fix it?” Kyogre cried. Groudon also looked pleadingly at Articuno and Kyogre wasn’t sure if it was him doing it or not. “I don’t- I don’t want to be Groudon. I want Groudon to be Groudon.”

“Well here’s my theory,” Articuno said, still wearing the silly glasses. “These x-ray glasses can also see souls. And yours and Groudon’s are just kind of stuck together.”

“Then why does it look like I’m controlling both of us?”

“Don’t worry, I think it’s a temporary state of shock from... well you burrowing into her head. Just give it a moment.”

They sat silently, waiting for something inexplicable to happen. “So- I’ve been reading recently,” Articuno looked solemnly into Kyogre’s beady mushroom eyes. “Have you ever considered attack therapy? I heard it’s a new trend.”

Kyogre, lacking the energy to reply, simply waited expectantly for her to continue.



Kyogre looked down in surprise, hearing Groudon rumble. In the middle of another story about underground weather, Articuno paused, looking over.

“That attack therapy thing you were talking about earlier sounds like the most idiotic thing in the world,” Groudon grumbled, closing her eyes. “Give me some more of those nuts.”

“Groudon! You’re okay!” Kyogre said happily.

Groudon smiled for a split second before it morphed into a scowl. She reached up and grabbed Kyogre with two claws. “Of course I’m okay!” she said angrily, “I’ve been listening the whole time, I just was trying to burn some of the plant roots you’ve been laying inside my head.”

“Eep,” Kyogre squirmed as Groudon’s grip tightened. “I didn’t mean to!”

“I know, but we’re connected now, so I can hear your thoughts, and there’s a little itch that trys to make me go along with it.” She sighed, letting go of Kyogre. “So little pest, if you really want me to rub your head again, then don’t insert any more ideas in my head unless I ask you to.”

“O-okay,” Kyogre said, feeling smaller than his usual mushroom size.

“Good.” Groudon gratefully accepted another helping of nuts from Articuno. “Articuno, just lay it out for us - and no stupid fun facts either.”

Articuno nodded silently.

“This is how I see it,” Articuno said, “You and Kyogre are one and the same, Kyogre is Groudon and Groudon is Kyogre. There is nothing I can do to fix it, good luck!”

RJR Basimilus

And with that, articuno vanished in a puff of ice crystals, leaving the kyogre-groudon fusion, or kyodon, to fend for themselves.

"Argh!" moaned kyodon. "Articuno is NEVER of any help! We don't know why we asked them!"

"But. Who do we ask?" they wondered to themself.

"There's only one mon we can ask!" exclaimed kyodon. "Arceus!"

And so they made their way through the mountains and oceans and valleys on their weird fin-legs until they arrived at Spear Pillar. They raised a fin arm and knocked on the floor.

The pearly stairs to arceus' realm soon appeared. "Come in!"

Kyodon slowly hopped their way up the steps to find Arceus doing a workout routine in Ring Fit Adventure.

"Oh hello there, I'm just doing my daily- good me what happened to you?"

"We got fused!" yelled kyodon.

"And we need you to unfuse us!" yelled kyodon.

"Oh, I know just the thing!" chimed arceus. "I borrowed a doohickey from my buddy Bill the PC Guy see..."

They dragged out a strange transfer machine. It glistened and gleamed in the halls of arceus.

"Get in here and press the button and you should be good to go!

Kyodon immediately squeezed inside the machine, with a great amount of difficulty due to their immense bulk.

"Wait!" blurted arceus. "I forgot to tell you WHICH button! It's the one on the-"

Too late. Kyodon had pressed all the buttons.

They and the machine collapsed into a black hole, which when charged with legendary essence became... Dark Matter.

"...Ah fiddlesticks," muttered arceus.


“Welp, so much for Kyogre and Groudon,” Rayquaza said. “I’ll start planning the funeral.”

“But… Ho-Oh can just resurrect them, right?” Zapdos asked, nervous sparks flying off their wings.

“No,” Arceus said. “Look at the space where the black hole was a moment ago. What do you see?”

Zapdos peered at the empty void where the machine had just been. “...nothing?”

“Yes, exactly. Kyodon got turned into dark matter, which doesn’t interact with anything besides gravity. Not light, not Ho-Oh’s power, nothing.”

“Wait! What if Dialga or Celebi just went back in time to before all this happened?” Zekrom asked.

“Dark matter also doesn’t interact with time travel. The blob of dark matter that used to be Kyodon exists eternally, in both the past and the future.”


Arceus sighed. “Yes, seriously. Now that Kyogre and Groudon are dead, it will no longer be possible to create new oceans or new continents. We’ll just have to learn to appreciate the ones we already have.”

“Well… that’s not too bad, right?” Zapdos said after a moment of glum silence has passed. “I mean, what are the odds we’ll ever find ourselves needing another continent or a new-”

A loud humming sound cut off Zapdos as a portal opened in midair, from which Palkia strode forth. Arceus glared at them. “Palkia. You’ve finally arrived. About three hours after I requested you bring me the ground plate.”

“Yeah, about that...” Palkia said, rubbing the back of their neck. “When you said ‘ground plate’, did you mean that little tablet that increases the power of ground-type moves by twenty percent, or did you mean, like, the continental plate that formed the ground we were standing on?”

“...Definitely the former.”

“Oh, great! That was what I realized you must’ve meant.” Palkia reached into a little fanny pack strapped to their waist and pulled out the ground plate.

“Ah, good. For a moment you had me worried that-”

“Yeah, it was pretty obvious after I tried picking up the East Sinjoh Plate. Turns out if you apply a ton of force to any one piece of it just ends up fracturing it apart rather than lifting it. Not really doable. The whole continent of Sinjoh is kind of just a bunch of little chunks now. But no worries, I’m sure Groudon would be happy to whip us a new one!” Palkia looked around the room. “Where is he, by the way?”

“Groudon’s dead. And can’t be resurrected because he’s dark matter now.”

“Oh, ouch. Well, is Kyogre around? A lot of the sea got boiled away by all the lava that seeped out from where Sinjoh used to be.”

“Same fate. For some reason they had fused together with Groudon into a gestalt entity called ‘Kyodon’.”

Palkia winced. “Is Heatran alive? Someone needs to replace all the magma that was lost from the mantle.”

“Heatran’s still alive. Barely, since I didn’t have all the plates I needed to complete the ritual properly...”

“YES! One out of three, baby!” Palkia whooped and pumped an arm in the air.

“Um, at least we still have most of the world’s continents and oceans, right?” Zapdos asked.

Another portal appeared in the air, and Hoopa floated out of it.

Arceus groaned. “Hoopa. Please tell me you didn’t misinterpret my request for the water plate in a way that resulted in the obliteration of one or more of our planet’s oceans.”

Hoopa scoffed. “Of course not! Hoopa not idiot!”

“Very well. Did you bring the plate?”

“No! Hoopa also not your plate-fetching slave! Hoopa totally blew off your stupid errand!”

“I suppose it hardly matters now. Why did you even bother showing up here, then?”

“Hoopa looking for Kyogre! See, Hoopa decide to try making solar system’s biggest hot spring by using rings to create portal between oceans and planet Mercury. But water just boiled away, so Hoopa decide to use bigger portal to send more water to cool planet down a bit. That still didn’t work, so Hoopa use biggest portal ever to send entire ocean to Mercury! Didn’t work. Hoopa try to be responsible by only draining one ocean, but today Hoopa learn that all oceans connected despite having different names. Now there’s just bunch of lakes where water was really deep. Kyogre needs to fix this.”

“So you did destroy our planet’s oceans,” Arceus said, sounding more disappointed than surprised.

“Hey! Hoopa obliterate oceans for reasons completely unrelated to Arceus’ dumb request! That totally different!”

“Um, at least if all the oceans are gone, that’s sort of like having a bunch of new continents, right? More than enough to make up for the one we-” Zapdos started, but was cut off the sound of yet another portal opening. Ultra Necrozma stepped through.

“Pardon me, but has anyone seen Groudon around? I have a problem that only he can help with.”

Everyone groaned. “What is it?” Arceus asked, exhausted despite the fact they were theoretically a divine being immune from such petty mortal concerns as exhaustion.

“I wrote a haiku, but only Groudon has the knowledge of scansion and poetic beauty to evaluate whether it’s any good or not!” Ultra Necrozma declared. “There’s absolutely no other Pokemon I’d trust with this urgent task, except for perhaps Kyogre, who I also assume is around somewhere!”

“Eh, I also know a bit about haiku,” Rayquaza said. “Try me.”

“Hmm, alright, but only because you’re Groudon’s best friend or something. I think. Here it is:” Ultra Necrozma cleared their throat.

“I blew up all land
With my Light That Burns The Sky
I’m very sorry.”

Necrozma looked around at everyone’s reaction. “Do you like it? It’s based off real events!”

“Why did you blow up all the land?” Arceus asked.

“It was an accident! I was trying to kill that blighter Hoopa before they could drain all the oceans away, but they kept using those portal rings of theirs to dodge, and all my attacks hit the ground instead. And it turns out that ‘Light That Burns The Sky’ is equally good at burning up continents as it is the atmosphere. Who would’ve guessed?”

Arceus turned to Hoopa. “Is there a reason you didn’t mention this?”

“People always trying to kill Hoopa for some reason or other! Hoopa would be here all day if Hoopa had to include descriptions of every little murder attempt!”

“You’ll only need to describe one more murder attempt, because you’ve fallen into my trap, Hoopa!” Ultra Necrozma declared. “This is the room where I set up my black hole creating machine, which will turn any legendary it sucks up into dark matter! Just try and teleport away from that! ...where is it, by the way? Wasn’t it just in that corner over there?”

THRRUMMM! Yet another portal opened up. This time, Groudon and Kyogre emerged, shortly followed by Lunala.

“Hey everyone! We’re back from our Ultra Space vacation!” Groudon announced cheerfully. “What’d we miss?”

“You’re alive!?” Zapdos exclaimed. “But we just saw your fusion form with Kyogre get sucked into a black hole!”

“Oh, you mean Kyodon? Nah, that wasn’t a fusion of me and Groudon,” Kyogre said. “That was just a fusion of Kyurem and a random Gastrodon. I think they were trying to figure out if their absofusion thingy could work for merging with Pokemon besides Zekrom or Reshiram.”

“Oh, thank me,” Arceus said. “Everyone was worried that you two had died.”

“Hoopa so glad Kyurem dead! No one liked that guy!”

“I wouldn’t resurrect them even if they weren’t dark matter right now,” Ho-Oh said.

Tears were streaming down Zekrom’s face. “How can you all be so heartless! That Gastrodon could’ve had a family!”

“Eh, I doubt anyone’s alive to mourn them given how the entire planet is an uninhabitable wasteland right now,” Palkia remarked.

“Mmm, yes. I hate to drop a bunch of work on you right after getting back from vacation, but there’s a number of urgent tasks you two need to attend to,” Arceus said to Kyogre and Groudon.

“Aw, mon! Can’t Dialga just go back in time and deal with everything?” Groudon protested.

“Actually, yeah, I can’t fix the dark matter situation but there’s nothing stopping me from just going back in time and preventing Palkia, Hoopa, and Ultra Necrozma from doing their stuff. Just give me a second,” Dialga said.

“Wait-” Arceus started, but Dialga was already warping back through time. An instant later, Dialga reappeared. Hoopa, Palkia, and Ultra Necrozma vanished in puffs of temporal logic.

“Boom! I killed off all their grandparents so they never existed! Problem solved!” Dialga announced triumphantly.

“Dialga. Can you think of any problems with your solution?” Arceus growled.

“Um… no?”


“Oh sh-” Dialga started, eyes widening, before disappearing in a puff of temporal logic alongside Arceus, every other legendary in the room, and all the rest of creation, save for a little patch of time-travel immune dark matter.

The Walrein

When Dialga's eyes opened again, he found himself sitting in a brightly lit room. Fluorescent lights hung overhead, sending light down to the shiny tile floors. There was a table fit with coffee cartons, as well as cups, packets of sugar, and cream. There was also a plate of cookies that had evidently already been dug in to.

No space, no dark matter. Only this room.

What really stood out the most, however, was the banner that hung above that very table.

Legendaries Anonymous, it read.

It was only there that Dialga realized who he was sitting among--every single one of his legendary brethren, the same ones he'd just been with. Some looking just as confused as he was, and others looking more aggravated.

The sound of someone clearing their throat caused Dialga to turn his head, where he saw a lone blissey standing at a podium that had been situated before the group. She clenched her teeth together in a forced smile as it addressed the group.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii guys," she greeted hesitantly. "Let me start off by saying that I am presenting as a blissey right now, because I'm sensing a lot of tension among the group. I've called you all here because I believe we're in need of another intervention."

Groans erupted from some of the others. At the back of the room, Giritina threw up his wings in exasperation. "Seriously?" he shouted. "What, because Arceus decided he wanted to have a pissing contest with everyone again?”

He sent a malicious look toward Arceus. “Look asshole. Just because you’re the ‘creator of the universe,” his wings fluttered like air quotes around those sarcasm-laden words, “or whatever and technically the ‘oldest’ doesn’t mean you get to go around screaming at us and acting like you run the show. Grandparent or not, you ain’t shit.”

Off to Giritina’s right, Mew hovered above her chair with her face in her stubby hands. “I just want to bake a cake filled with rainbows and butterflies so we can all eat and be happy…” she cooed to herself, clearly distressed by the arguing. Mesprit, who was sitting next to her, patted her head as a form of comfort.

Giritina rolled his eyes at Mew’s words, but evidently decided it wasn’t enough to keep him from talking. "I was perfectly content in the distortion world, by the way. You didn’t need to call me here. I’m so tired of Arceus hopping on everyone’s dick so much, man. Getting sent there was the best goddamned thing that ever happened to me, and that’s a fact.”

"Watch your mouth, young man!" Arceus finally snapped.

"Make me, you old fart!"

"Can I go now?" Lugia piped up from his spot in the front row.

The blissey sighed. "Guys. Please. We all know that this entire pantheon still has a lot of issues to work out, so lets not make this more painful than it needs to be."

The sternness in her voice as she spoke the word 'issues' prompted Dialga to send a wary look toward Arceus, who stared back at him with a deadpan expression.

"And, of course, as a manifestation of dynamic energy, it is my job to ensure your familial interventions stay on track and don't destroy any more known universes, alright?"

Chatter that sat on the edge of grudging and annoyed churned within the other legendaries, and Dialga found that he too was in no place to argue. He was still trying to wrap his head around everything that Arceus had just finished saying to him.

How the fuck did he manage to be one set of grandparents at the same time? And why the hell did any of that matter? Frankly, he didn't think that justified how much Arceus liked to boss everyone around. What, just because you technically helped create the known universe, you got to have the last say in everything? To this day, Dialga still didn't feel cool with the way poor Giritina had been banished, but gods forbid he'd said that to Arceus. He'd have never heard the end of it.

It was nice to know that at least Giritina was vibing anyway though.

Still, the thought of it prompted Dialga to shoot his elder another glance, this one a little more pointed.

The blissey stepped out from behind the podium pensively and began to pace for a moment. She didn't speak again until she stopped moving.

"So. I am just going to come right out and question," she began, "how many of you have ever felt personally victimized by the Legendary Arceus?"


Murmurs rippled through the crowd. Blissey felt her round body tense. She resisted the urge to tap into a Blissey’s natural emotion sensing abilities and instead scanned the crowd.

A Hitmochan stepped forwards. “I have.” He spoke with his chest thrust out and gaze unwavering. “Arceus created me with bad stats. I’m outmatched by other fighting types in my brackets. That’s not right, I deserve an equal chance at being strong.”

A red blur wiggled through the crowd, then bounced onto the podium next to her. She turned to watch them curiously.

“Me too!” Plusle squeaked. “I can’t do anything in battle! I’m just set dressing for the region, because Arceus felt obligated to make something cute like a Pikachu. He never once asked if maybe I’d like to have better special attack stat or be a little faster!”

Blissey felt a smile form. Yes. They were finally seeing the truth. “You see! If I were in charge, this would never happen! All pokemon would be given equal opportunity to shine.” The crowd's conversations increased in pitch, and despite her best efforts, she could feel the Blissey form picking up on excitement and happiness.

She focused herself and continued. “And why should Arceus get to do as he pleases? Did he not ban many of you from the Galar region for several months, and charge you a fee to migrate there later? Sure, Galar isn’t the best place to even travel to, but how dare he! Does it not trouble you that he hasn’t even bothered to create new mega evolutions for so many of you?”

Several members of the Eevee family in the crowd mewled in agreement, though their cries were overshadowed by a zealous Flygon. A Dunsparce’s nasally voice piped up from the front. “Arceus only cares about his silly gimmicks! Dynamax? More like loser max! Z-Lame-o!”

This comment was meant with mixed murmurs, then raised voices of contention. Blissey quickly cleared her throat. “Everyone, your attention please. This isn’t about who is better.” No sense trying to explain to the agitated crowd that Gen 1 was superior in every way. Arceus peaked there, in her opinion. Rock with arms, orb, and pile of sludge were the best that he’d ever made. But this wasn’t about that.

She continued. “It’s about giving everyone the stats they deserve. The chance to be the very best.”

“But how can you do that?” A Hitmonlee asked. “Are you not just a pokemon like the rest of us?”

The Blissey smiled. “The truth is...” Then her form glowed white and her shape began to morph, condensing and shrinking, her head elongating and body narrowing, and a long thin tail forming. When the light faded, Mew floated before the crowd. “I am Mew.”

Gasps and utterances of shock came from the crowd, then followed by cheering. Mew couldn’t help but giggle. Finally, the people understood! They heard her!

Mew spoke again, projecting her voice through the loudspeaker system to the now devoted crowd of pokemon. “Like, subscribe and comment on my channel, and support my patreon, and I’ll make sure everyone gets a chance to have better stats, better opportunities, and get out of the NU Tier and into the RU or even OU!”


Zamazenta raised a paw and asked, "Can I go to OU?"

"No, Zamazenta, you cannot go to OU," Mew replied with a weary expression.

Zamazenta's paw up again.

"You're not getting Body Press either."

Zamazenta put his paw down.

"That's fine, no one has any experience with competitive. Fortunately, I have enough Elo for all of you!" Mew snickered to a crowd of blank faced Legendaries.

"When do we get the free food?" Silvally asked in the midst of Mew's giggling. A question that was promptly ignored.

"Okay, the first thing we do is bring back the era of Gen 5 Weather Wars. That will automatically bring anyone who works on rain or sand teams up to OU."

Keldeo made several happy noises at this proposal.

"Sun and Hail though?" Mew continued with a wince and a click of her tongue. "Well... they'll still technically be OU, even if they're unviable."

A few uncertain murmurs arose through the crowd but Mew quickly placated them with a simple wave of her paw. "Don't worry about getting left behind in the dust," she assured, "we can easily remedy that with a few move and ability tweaks. Like say, Rayquaza getting a Mega Evolution and only needing a Flying-type Close Combat to achieve it. Maybe I can even try to talk to the Big Mon Upstairs to get you things like Huge Power or Gorilla Tactics. I'm sure Regigigas would love that.

"What's up with that anyway?" Mew asked with a pout. "We're Legendaries (or Mythicals if you want to be pedantic about it), we're supposed to be the best of the best! How come you're letting yourself be outclassed by plebs like Ferrothorn and Toxapex. Powercreep's supposed to be affecting them, not you! At least Lando-T's got the right idea," she added with a mutter.

"Well maybe we wouldn't be so bad if some people didn't try to win with big meaty klawfs," spat Mesprit.

Silvally shot him an indignant look. "What did you say, punk?"

"Big. Meaty. Klawfs."

Silvally crouched into a battle-ready position. "Well these klawfs ain't for just attracting mates."

"Bring it on, old mon! Bring it on!" Mesprit goaded, looking just as eager to battle.


“Order! Order!”

The gavel struck the tiny wooden platform on the judge’s desk. The ledian smacking the hammer almost as big as he was cleared his throat loudly just to make sure the entire court heard him. Mesprit thought it was obnoxious, just like everything else about him was obnoxious. He had some kind of inferiority complex, Mesprit had long ago decided, and had even raised his desk above everyone else’s just to compensate.

“I will not have senseless fighting in this courtroom!” Ledian said, which Mesprit mocked with pouty faces. “We solve our problems like civilized pokemon, with words rather than claws.”

Mesprit knew this was bullshit. In the Good Old Days, civilized pokemon did solve their problems with claws, in a ritual known as trial by combat where Mesprit always came out on top. But hey, it wasn’t like Mesprit was just at an advantage or anything, all those other pokemon just didn’t have the willpower to match them.

(Okay, maybe he did get Azelf to help him cheat a little there.)

And really, society had truly gone down the drain. These days there just wasn’t a sense of proper respect anymore, and if the pokemon of today wouldn’t respect his right to pound a mutant into the ground for not having his food prepared at a reasonable time, he didn’t see any reason to listen to—

“Anyways…” ledian began, with another obnoxious clear of his throat, and Mespirt started listening immediately because ledian currently held the fate of his next 10 years in his small hands (another reason all judges were secretly compensating for their inferiority complex, he was sure). “The court sees sufficient evidence that the defendant is in fact guilty of first degree murder of a waiter at the café de Furfrou—

“It was trial by combat!” Mesprit outlined to the pathetic commoners; like this wasn’t obvious!

"The waiter dropped a cup of coffee!" yelled the indeedee at the witness stand, incensed and finally losing it.

"I've killed 'mon for less!" roared mesprit.

The entire court was looking at him.

"Strike that from the record, please," said mesprit's pawmi lawyer very quickly. "Speculation."

The room was silent.

Mesprit cleared his throat.

"Anyway, where were we?" he asked, putting on his best posh accent.

"The court... sees that the sentence should likely be extended," began the ledian carefully. But a glare from Mesprit sent the pathetic insect careening back just a bit. He quickly and hurriedly struck the gavel. "But ten years it is."

There were murmurs around the court as Mesprit was handcuffed and taken away by the burly machoke guards: 'that was a light sentence for murder!' 'yeah, usually they go away for life...'

But they and their petty mortal brains lacked the capacity to comprehend the span of his "life". Even after their prison had crumbled around him, and their empire had fallen, it would not have spanned even a tiny portion of his life. Did they not realise they were mere playthings to him? That this sentence was only a fleeting blip in his long, long history? That they could only contain him because he felt amused playing by their rules and observing their oh-so-fragile arrogance? Why, if he so desired, he could break these handcuffs and smite this courthouse right here and now if he wanted!

The handcuffs, surprisingly, held firm compared to the ones he'd been cuffed with 20 years ago. They looked different now, much higher-tech. What were they putting in these new ones?

Ah, bother. He could break them if he truly wanted. But it was still amusing to keep playing along. Who knew, after a while he might even come to enjoy prison. However many years that took.

It would need some cleaning first, though. And some decor. Prisons were never sensible about their facade.

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