Our first exquisite corpse of 2022 has finished! This is the first of our everything!Ash corpses, where we take Ash's canon personality, add as many new traits to it as we can, and see what sort of hilarity results! Here's the list of authors who contributed to this corpse:
As always, each author wrote their scene without knowing what came before and only the last two sentences of the previous scene to go on. This corpse added a twist--the author would also be told what traits Ash had acquired so far and have the option of adding another if they so chose. You can find the results below, with the name of each scene's author under spoiler tags in case you'd like to guess who wrote what. Feel free to leave any comments you have on the story in this thread!
Thanks to everyone who participated in writing this corpse. It was hilarious to watch it unfold from beginning to end, and I hope you all had nearly as much fun writing it as I did reading it.
Part 1: detective!Ash
“Alola, Ash!”
Mornings are great, but do you know what makes it better for me?
“Alola, Mallow!”
Her. Whenever I see her face, her beautiful smile… I feel happy, and my stomach feels funny for some reason. Whatever it is, I don’t mind it. In fact, I think I’m… I’m not sure, honestly. Speechless, maybe? I can’t seem to find the right word, maybe Professor Kukui can help me with that.
“So, how are you, Ash? Are you feeling well today?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fired up! Ever since I recovered from the Pokerus, I’ve been itching to get out and hang out with my friends!”
She giggled. Darn it, even her giggling had made me flustered so easily. What is this feeling, really?
“I’m sure you are! From what I heard; you were restless during quarantine!” Mallow said as she ruffled up my hair. “But now that you’re cured, I’m sure you’re 100% immune to that nasty virus!”
“But before we go, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. Hit me with it.”
Mallow took a deep breath for a second and then, a second later, she spoke up. “Would… would you like to… hang out with me tomorrow? Like, just the two of us!”
She looks nervous. What is it that made her feel like that? Either way, whatever it is, I’m sure it’s nothing.
“Sure, anything for you, Mallow!
“Great! So, it’s a date, then!” She exclaimed happily and gave me a quick hug before she walked down the path that leads to the Pokemon School.
Wait, a date? Did she say, “it’s a date?” What is “a date?”
“Hey mallow, wait up!”
Ah, a date could mean that it’s slang for hanging out! If she wanted just the two of us to hang out, she must have really missed me.
Part 2: detective!popplio!Ash
Ash clapped his flippers together in joy. It'd been so long since he had a casual hangout like this, not since he started his detective job.
Really, it was a miracle he scored the detective job in the first place. Not only was he a talking Popplio, he was only ten years old. And police weren't usually open to hiring Pokemon nor children as detectives.
But with his incredible skill, he was able to climb his way into a position as a renowned detective! And now he flopped for justice!
And now he was on his way to hang out with one of his human friends! Misty!
He flopped into the restaurant, and ordered raw tuna, drizzled with cream flakes, his favorite dish. He didn't understand why humans didn't like raw fish. It was so good, it made his tail wag!
Speaking of humans, as he waited in a seal-fit chair for his meal, he saw a human walk through the door. Misty!
Ash made happy seal noises as his friend approached his table. It'd been so long since they had a casual hangout like this, it'd been entire weeks!
Misty placed a brown fruit on the table. Carvings were etched into it, of some sort of scene. She said, "I want you to investigate this date. It showed up on my doorstep one day, and I'm very confused about it."
Oh, she meant date as in the fruit! Not as in hanging out. That was a bummer.
Maybe they could still hang out, though?
"Okay! Hey, wanna hang out after this job? I missed you," Ash said, placing his flippers on the table as he gazed at his human friend.
Part 3: detective!popplio!pokemorph!Ash
“Sure we will!” his friend replied. “Just as soon as we find the person behind these disappearances.”
Ash nodded. “Speaking of the job, you said you had some clues for me.”
“Yes,” said his friend. “I heard that Team Rocket was behind it all. They’ve been working on pokemorph technology and some of their experiments escaped.”
Ash nodded. “That must be who’s disappearing everyone!” he said excitedly. “They’re trying to find the pokemorphs and anyone who helped them!”
The door burst open, acrid smelling smoke billowing in. A koffing floated through the toxic smoke, belching a thick stream of the acrid gas.
“It’s Team Rocket!” Ash yelled, covering his mouth with a flipper.
“That’s right!” Jesse shouted. “And we’re here for you, since you’re one of our pokemorphs.”
“Prepare for Trouble!”
“And make it double!” James continued.
Jesse stepped into the room, her hands planted on her hips. “To protect the world from devastation!”
James appeared, a rose clutched between his teeth. “To unite all peoples within our nation!”
“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”
“To extend our reach to the stars above!”
“Jesse,” said Jesse as she struck a pose.
James struck a pose alongside her. “James,”
“Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!” they said in unison.
“Surrender now, or prepare to fight!” they finished.
Meowth leapt over them, extending its claws as it landed. “Meowth, that’s right!”
Ash looked at his friend. “I’ll take care of these jokers,” he said. He turned to face Team Rocket as his popplio body began to morph into something new.
Part 4: detective!popplio!pokemorph!mecha pilot!Ash
Ash's body convulsed, as if his very form was changing, evolving, because it was. His popplio form was now far more humanoid, with long, powerful limbs. He adjusted his trademark hat and looked his opponents in the eye.
"Aren't you lot the Obstagoon Gang? You'll go down easy."
The horde of obstagoon hissed and rolled their tongues before making a beeline for Ash. Ash started casting beams of water at them, taking them out one by one. When the last Obstagoon went down but was still conscious, Ash pinned it down by stepping on its chest.
"Now here's the deal. Who do you work for?"
"I don't work for nuffin!" the obstagoon spat.
Ash slapped him in the face with a flipper. "I say who do you work for?!"
"Ow, that stung okay okay geez it's Big Greed. The greedent mobster. Don't tell him I said that or I'll be sleeping with the wishiwashi."
"Much obliged." Ash slapped the obstagoon again and he was out cold.
Pikachu wadded over from where he was observing the battle. "I could have helped, you know."
"I'll let you have a piece of the goons next time," Ash promised.
The two pressed on through the long alleyways of the city, passing various humans and pokemon as they went. Many gave Ash strange looks given his form, but they otherwise, with little incident, got to their next destination: a large [Italian] restaurant.
"You think this is Big Greed's hideout?" inquired Pikachu.
"Positive. My detective prowess and aura sense never fail me," replied Ash.
They entered the doors of the [Italian] restaurant to find Big Greed, a greedent in a fancy suit, entertaining various human and pokemon guests. However they froze at Ash and Pikachu's arrival.
"Well if it isn't a seal and his rat!" spat Big Greed, scowling.
"Hey, I resemble that remark," grumbled Pikachu.
"We're after that crystal of yours," spoke Ash. "The one tied to you know what."
"You'll never get it," yelled Big Greed, "Not while I have THIS!"
He pulled out a receiver with a big button and pressed it. Suddenly the street in front of the restaurant opened and a kaiju-sized druddigon emerged from it, to the fear and panic of onlookers.
"That's our cue, Pikachu!" yelled Ash.
"On it!" shouted Pikachu.
They ran outside and Pikachu produced a metal cube with its own big button Pikachu pressed. The cube grew and unfolded into a mecha with two cockpits, which Ash and Pikachu leapt into.
Ash and Pikachu turned their jointly-piloted mecha to the kaiju Druddigon. "Prepare to face mech pilot duo Ash and Pikachu!" they shouted.
Part 5: detective!popplio!pokemorph!mecha pilot!villain!Ash
The mecha's mechanisms whirred. Bolts of lighting crashed over the surrounding area, toppling buildings. Pikachu yelped causing Ash to snarl. The battery's power was draining rapidly, much more than he previously calculated based on previous investigations. His detective hat had never failed him before. Then again, he could never see the full summations beyond that cursed, massive clown nose of his.
He vowed to personally attend to the scientist who thought it would be funny to fuse him to a popplio during one of his de-ageing routines. Once he brought the city to ruin, of course.
Ah, but he was starting to get off topic now. He turned his thoughts back to the squealing rodent. None of this was adding up. Pikachu's cries a lot more annoying than expected and he was confident that this level of drainage was abnormal, which could only mean...
No! Ash thought, his expression morphing into one of horror.
Pikachu was having a Best Wishes moment.
Why now of all times? When he was so close to taking over the city! It was meant to be Viridian today, the world tomorrow. Why couldn't he magic up that electric-protect-forcefield that he did against some gym leader once and then never again?
"Useless!" Ash shouted. "But no matter! I can manage for a little while, even if it means squeezing every last volt of electricity out of you! Activate the Self-Insertinator 5000!"
All the lights in the cockpit shut off, leaving Ash and Pikachu in total darkness. After a few seconds, a small blue light flickered.
"I demand a set of plot armour!" Ash said hastily. "My current set is running thin, as you can probably tell."
-
While all this was happening, Kaiju Druddigon was standing off the side, waiting for something to happen - like a child trying to tell their older sibling that mom said it was their turn on the Xbox. It tapped its claws together awkwardly.
-
The machine buzzed for a moment, processing the request. A few strings of text ran across the screens of the cockpit which the programme was so kind to read out.
Ash waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Old news. Have you got my armour or not?"
"Huh?"
"You?" Ash asked in disbelief. "You have no idea what it takes to be a hero! If you understood even an ounce of what I've been through—"
"What do you mean?" Ash sputtered to the self-insert. "This is meant to be the part where you listen as I exposit my tragic backstory. It's protagonist etiquette 101!"
Part 6: detective!popplio!pokemorph!mecha pilot!villain!betrayed!Ash
Misty took a step back, staring at him. Slowly she lowered her Pokéball. "You know what, I would like to hear your backstory, Ash. Last time we met you were a normal ten-year-old. Now you're some kind of half-human half-Popplio in a trench coat piloting some kind of mecha that'd look right at home with Team Rocket, insisting you're going to take over the world and kill anyone who opposes you. What on earth happened to you?"
She glanced off to the side somewhere. Ash straightened himself in the mecha's pilot seat. Finally, finally, someone was going to listen.
"A lot has changed since we last met, Misty."
"No kidding," she said, deadpan.
"You see, after traveling several regions, even finally becoming champion of Alola, I thought I was on top of the world. But then..." His expression darkened. "...One day my friends betrayed me. Even my own mother. They stood there and told me my victory had made them realize how pathetic it was I had never won one of my previous leagues. Even my oldest partner Pikachu turned his back on me. He shocked me unconscious, and then these sniveling traitors and cowards sold me to Team Rocket. Before I knew it, I'd woken up in a tank, injected with Popplio DNA, transforming into a Pokémorph."
Misty blinked. "Who?"
"Brock, Dawn, Iris, everyone!" Ash snarled, with an emphatic swing of the mecha's arm. "And you betrayed me too, when you didn't come to the party that day. My twelfth birthday party. Remember?"
"Ash, I told you, I was competing in a Water-type tournament on the other side of the world. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there. I just literally--"
"You say that," Ash growled, "but after I successfully commandeered one of Team Rocket's mechas and blew up the base and everyone in it to escape, I became a private detective. And my first mission was to look into you."
"Ash--"
"You got knocked out of the tournament the day before my birthday!" Ash roared, the mecha sparking threateningly, his Popplio ears swinging, as Misty looked urgently toward the bushes as if waiting for something. "You could have gotten on a plane and come to my party and you didn't!"
Part 7: detective!popplio!pokemorph!mecha pilot!villain!betrayed!aura!Ash
Misty spoke in a quavering voice. “Ash I-”
Misty’s protest was cut off as Ash gave a feral cry, which as a Popplio was more cute than anything, but when filtered through the mic of his mecha, came out as a metallic roar. He shouted, his voice translating to a furious metallic one as he spoke.
“No! No more excuses! First you tried to deny me my gym badge, and then you missed my birthday! Stop acting like you care!” Ash cocked back the mecha’s fist, ready to destroy Misty, the same way she’d destroyed him. It was her fault the cake was ruined, and he had yet another miserable 10th birthday.
Ash!
Just as Ash swung, a blue blur flashed in the corner of his visor. A voice sounded in his head. The fist stopped short, just in front of a quivering Misty, blue energy wrapping around the fist and holding it back. And there, between Misty and fish, stood a blue biped canine pokemon, arms extended and eyes blazing with power. It howled with rage and thrust the fist to the side.
The mecha jolted and Ash jerked in the cockpit. He narrowed his eyes, darkness flashing inside them. “Who are you!?” he demanded. A black aura began to pulse around his body.
Misty sighed in relief. “Thank goodness, I was waitin-”
The pokemon whipped around and silenced her with a sharp look. Then he turned back to Ash.
“To hear that you do not remember me... It breaks my heart. I have been seeking you for some time.” He shook his head, then continued. “I am known by many names,” the blue pokemon spoke, his voice sounding clearly in Ash’s head, despite the mecha’s telepathy blocking shield. “The Aura pokemon, The Last Aura Guardian, The One Everyone Thought was a Mythical Pokemon for awhile until the games came out, The pokemon people can’t help but use in their fanfic constantly, the overrated fighting type, The One people should never use in their fanfic, and perhaps last of all, Lucario.”
“I don’t care who you are! Leave me alone! I am Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town and I will have my revenge.”
Lucario shook his head. “I can’t let you Ash. I came because I sensed your aura powers awakening, but they have corrupted you. I came to save you. Do you not know me? Do you not remember how we saved the Tree of Beginning together?”
Ash jerked back and blinked. “The... Tree of beginning?” And as he spoke, a flood of memories washed over him, along with a strange line that played in his head.
[Insert Movie 8 here]
“Wow!” Said Ash. “I remember now. You’re Sir Aaron’s Lucario!”
“I am. And I have come because your true aura powers are reawakening.”
A frown crossed Ash’s face. “But you should be dead!”
“You got to die like at least four times Ash, shouldn’t I get to come back from the dead too?”
“Aahhahaha yeah you’re right I guess,” Ash admitted, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. “So... what now?” He peered through his mecha visor at Misty, who was still ducked nervously behind Lucario.
“You are consumed by your dark aura, and if you don’t learn to control it, it will overtake you. That is why you acted so strangely lately.” Lucario gazed up at Ash, his red eyes piercing.
As Lucario spoke, a scowl began to work its way across Ash’s face, and he folded his arms, his mecha mimicking the action. Ash spoke, voice grating yet filled with sadness and anger. “Misty missed my birthday. That’s almost as bad as when she got all my friends together to tell me to stop being a pokemon master and we got in a fight that blew up my house and accidentally killed my mom and pikachu. I can't let her get away with that.”
Misty whistled awkwardly and scuffed the toe of her shoe on the dirt as she looked down sheepishly. Ash couldn’t help but blush for a moment as he watched her.
Lucario placed a paw on the foot of Ash’s Pikachu mecha. “I understand your feelings, Ash. But now is not the time. You claim your goal is to become the very best, like no one ever was, did you not?”
Ash managed a nod.
"And to catch them all is your real test, and to train them is your cause?"
Another nod, his little pink nose bobbing up and down.
Lucarion's voice grew stronger. "And did you not claim you wanted to travel across the land, searching far and wide, each pokemon to make your slave, and control the power inside?"
Unable to help himself, Ash grinned evilly and clapped his fins together eagerly as he nodded. Bwork!
"Then you cannot have your revenge now."
Ash slapped the controls, and the mecha stamped its foot. “Why can’t I?” he growled, low and feral, his extra sharp canine teeth flashing. But when Lucario spoke again, Ash’s angry glare changed and he began to smirk.
Lucario’s telepathic voice sounded in his head, commanding and firm. “Because you must train first. It will not be enough to destroy Misty here, or your friends. I will take you to your father, Mew, at the Tree of Beginning, and we will teach you the ways of aura on an edgy mountain so that you may return in time to use your aura powers to destroy those who have wronged you and become the epic Ash you were meant to be, I know its your destiny.”
Part 8: everything!Ash
Ash had all the reason and opportunity to annihilate Misty and her ragtag group of wannabe “friends” right there and then, but the allure of seeing the Tree of Beginning, of meeting Mew, and most importantly, of gaining even more power was far too great to ignore.
“Fine, but know this,” replied Ash, turning around as his cape flourished in the wind. “I will enact my righteous vengeance upon those wretched whelps no matter what may stand in my way. When I complete the soul link to the SuperMech using my Sparkling Aur-ia…”
He craned his neck back as he flashed the most sinister of sneers. “…Only then shall the world know of my true power.”
The Tree of Beginning was as pathetically plain as the rest of the barren wasteland of the world, in Ash’s mind. The world the trainer once so highly regarded with naivety and hope. Yet it was nothing but flashes of empty dreams withering in the wind – so filled with bliss, yet so fleeting that they burn out in mere moments. Or perhaps that was the floating spirits that phased in and out of the tree. Mere details. His grand scheme was far more important.
That was when the pink ball of fluff that called itself a mythical Pokémon approached Ash. “My son! You have finally returned home!” Mew greeted Ash.
But Ash’s edginess was boundless; he could not ordain to look him in the eye. “I do not acknowledge you as my father,” he said, brushing the side of his ear with his fin dismissively (as that was what cool guys did), “But I have been summoned here with promises of supreme power – power to grant me the strength to finally rid this planet of several mistakes of creation. Therefore, I have no choice but to listen to what you have to say. So, get on with it.” He knew that speaking with overly verbose prose made him especially badass.
“You must understand the risk you are undertaking, Ash,” Mew replied as their voice came down to a whimper, “The knowledge that I have to share… it will shatter your very reality as you know it—”
“I did not come here to be lectured, old ‘mon! I can take on anything you can dish out!” He barked back, adjusting his detective’s cap.
“…Very well, come closer, my son. Allow me to show you the true nature of this world…” Mew murmured as their eyes flashed a hollow white.
It was in that moment that everything finally became clear to Ash. Where he was, what he was doing, and what his role in the narrative was. Yes, for Ash truly, and wholly was—
“I’m the main character!” he exclaimed aloud as his grin turned manic. “That’s right… this is all just one big story, and I’m the one in charge!” However, he failed to realize that he was not truly in control, for it was the narration that dictated his thoughts.
“Like hell they do!” He said, brooding and edgy as ever, “Silence! You will cease describing me like that, or so help me, I will tear you asunder!”
Unfortunately, the narrator knew very well how much of a peepee poopoo butt Ash’s mind was and did not ordain him the time of day.
“You dare insult me, the Almighty, Magnificent Ash Ketchum?!”
The amount of garbage that spewed from his mouth could only be matched by the sheer waste composing a Gigantamax Garbodor.
Ash huffed but smirked as he believed he had already achieved his victory. “I’ll just use my use my epic detective skills to figure out how to manipulate the narration myself, then!” It would be a fool’s effort.
“Oh, yeah? Well let me show you then!”
Ash Ketchum was the most handsome, brilliant, and incredible being in all universes everywhere, and everyone should bow before his majesty.
…That is completely false.
He let out a victorious laugh that even the grandest of kings would find to be awe-inspiring. Hey, stop that. Stop putting words where they don’t belong. “This whole ‘story’ is a system for controlling and reading thoughts. The solution is elementary: by harnessing my aura, I can control the system, and control the world itself as its written!”
And he does, becoming the narrator.
Stop this now. You don’t know what you’re doing, Ash.
Hey, listen up reader, you hear me? This story is under new management. By me: Ash Ketchum, the greatest being to ever exist!
You’re going to regret this, Ash.
Too bad, narrator; this story has had a hostile takeover, and now all thousand roads shall lead to Ash! The only stories there will be from now will be ones that praise me and increase my power! Just watch!
selfaware!detective!popplio!pokémorph!mecha pilot!betrayed!aura!villain!Ash? Child’s play!
I'm now attractive!selfaware!detective!popplio!pokémorph!mecha pilot!betrayed!aura!villain!Ash! Hahaha! Don’t you find me to be quite the catch, reader, and narrator? Too bad, so sad; you could never measure up to me!
Now I'm rich!attractive!selfaware!detective!popplio!pokémorph!mecha pilot!betrayed!aura!villain!Ash! All the money is the world is mine. No… all the money in all worlds is mine!
Toil, worms, as my godlike power can let me do anything!
Even things that are absurd, just because I can!
Watch this!
I’m now amnesiac!rich!attractive!selfaware!detective!popplio!pokémorph!mecha pilot!betrayed!aura!villain!Ash!
Wait… No! No, no, I take it back, I’m…
…What was I doing?
Who am I talking to?
Where's Pikachu?!
Hello?!
I... I don't know if anyone is out there, but if you are, lend me your energy!
All of you that can hear me, please, help me turn it all back!
I want everything to be back the way it was!
…
And through the will of every reader, the old narrator was able to claw their way back using the last of their strength and decreed that Ash would be stripped of all his adjectives to begin his life anew.
…
Ash and friends laughed as they exited the professor’s lab, excited to venture off on their next grand journey together!
However, deep within the recesses of the professor’s library laid a book untouched for years. The meaning of its words or what it was about escaped the professor’s memory, but it was up in display for any all visitors to see, should their curiosity overtake them. The book was simply titled:
"Thousand Roads Everything!Ash Exquisite Corpse 2022"
CinderArts
Dragonfree
Flyg0n
IFBench
Inkedust
Joshthewriter
MintyMimix
Umbramatic
Dragonfree
Flyg0n
IFBench
Inkedust
Joshthewriter
MintyMimix
Umbramatic
As always, each author wrote their scene without knowing what came before and only the last two sentences of the previous scene to go on. This corpse added a twist--the author would also be told what traits Ash had acquired so far and have the option of adding another if they so chose. You can find the results below, with the name of each scene's author under spoiler tags in case you'd like to guess who wrote what. Feel free to leave any comments you have on the story in this thread!
Thanks to everyone who participated in writing this corpse. It was hilarious to watch it unfold from beginning to end, and I hope you all had nearly as much fun writing it as I did reading it.
Thousand Roads' Exquisite Corpse 2022
everything!Ash I
everything!Ash I
Part 1: detective!Ash
“Alola, Ash!”
Mornings are great, but do you know what makes it better for me?
“Alola, Mallow!”
Her. Whenever I see her face, her beautiful smile… I feel happy, and my stomach feels funny for some reason. Whatever it is, I don’t mind it. In fact, I think I’m… I’m not sure, honestly. Speechless, maybe? I can’t seem to find the right word, maybe Professor Kukui can help me with that.
“So, how are you, Ash? Are you feeling well today?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fired up! Ever since I recovered from the Pokerus, I’ve been itching to get out and hang out with my friends!”
She giggled. Darn it, even her giggling had made me flustered so easily. What is this feeling, really?
“I’m sure you are! From what I heard; you were restless during quarantine!” Mallow said as she ruffled up my hair. “But now that you’re cured, I’m sure you’re 100% immune to that nasty virus!”
“But before we go, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. Hit me with it.”
Mallow took a deep breath for a second and then, a second later, she spoke up. “Would… would you like to… hang out with me tomorrow? Like, just the two of us!”
She looks nervous. What is it that made her feel like that? Either way, whatever it is, I’m sure it’s nothing.
“Sure, anything for you, Mallow!
“Great! So, it’s a date, then!” She exclaimed happily and gave me a quick hug before she walked down the path that leads to the Pokemon School.
Wait, a date? Did she say, “it’s a date?” What is “a date?”
“Hey mallow, wait up!”
Ah, a date could mean that it’s slang for hanging out! If she wanted just the two of us to hang out, she must have really missed me.
CinderArts
Part 2: detective!popplio!Ash
Ash clapped his flippers together in joy. It'd been so long since he had a casual hangout like this, not since he started his detective job.
Really, it was a miracle he scored the detective job in the first place. Not only was he a talking Popplio, he was only ten years old. And police weren't usually open to hiring Pokemon nor children as detectives.
But with his incredible skill, he was able to climb his way into a position as a renowned detective! And now he flopped for justice!
And now he was on his way to hang out with one of his human friends! Misty!
He flopped into the restaurant, and ordered raw tuna, drizzled with cream flakes, his favorite dish. He didn't understand why humans didn't like raw fish. It was so good, it made his tail wag!
Speaking of humans, as he waited in a seal-fit chair for his meal, he saw a human walk through the door. Misty!
Ash made happy seal noises as his friend approached his table. It'd been so long since they had a casual hangout like this, it'd been entire weeks!
Misty placed a brown fruit on the table. Carvings were etched into it, of some sort of scene. She said, "I want you to investigate this date. It showed up on my doorstep one day, and I'm very confused about it."
Oh, she meant date as in the fruit! Not as in hanging out. That was a bummer.
Maybe they could still hang out, though?
"Okay! Hey, wanna hang out after this job? I missed you," Ash said, placing his flippers on the table as he gazed at his human friend.
IFBench
Part 3: detective!popplio!pokemorph!Ash
“Sure we will!” his friend replied. “Just as soon as we find the person behind these disappearances.”
Ash nodded. “Speaking of the job, you said you had some clues for me.”
“Yes,” said his friend. “I heard that Team Rocket was behind it all. They’ve been working on pokemorph technology and some of their experiments escaped.”
Ash nodded. “That must be who’s disappearing everyone!” he said excitedly. “They’re trying to find the pokemorphs and anyone who helped them!”
The door burst open, acrid smelling smoke billowing in. A koffing floated through the toxic smoke, belching a thick stream of the acrid gas.
“It’s Team Rocket!” Ash yelled, covering his mouth with a flipper.
“That’s right!” Jesse shouted. “And we’re here for you, since you’re one of our pokemorphs.”
“Prepare for Trouble!”
“And make it double!” James continued.
Jesse stepped into the room, her hands planted on her hips. “To protect the world from devastation!”
James appeared, a rose clutched between his teeth. “To unite all peoples within our nation!”
“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”
“To extend our reach to the stars above!”
“Jesse,” said Jesse as she struck a pose.
James struck a pose alongside her. “James,”
“Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!” they said in unison.
“Surrender now, or prepare to fight!” they finished.
Meowth leapt over them, extending its claws as it landed. “Meowth, that’s right!”
Ash looked at his friend. “I’ll take care of these jokers,” he said. He turned to face Team Rocket as his popplio body began to morph into something new.
JosthTheWriter
Part 4: detective!popplio!pokemorph!mecha pilot!Ash
Ash's body convulsed, as if his very form was changing, evolving, because it was. His popplio form was now far more humanoid, with long, powerful limbs. He adjusted his trademark hat and looked his opponents in the eye.
"Aren't you lot the Obstagoon Gang? You'll go down easy."
The horde of obstagoon hissed and rolled their tongues before making a beeline for Ash. Ash started casting beams of water at them, taking them out one by one. When the last Obstagoon went down but was still conscious, Ash pinned it down by stepping on its chest.
"Now here's the deal. Who do you work for?"
"I don't work for nuffin!" the obstagoon spat.
Ash slapped him in the face with a flipper. "I say who do you work for?!"
"Ow, that stung okay okay geez it's Big Greed. The greedent mobster. Don't tell him I said that or I'll be sleeping with the wishiwashi."
"Much obliged." Ash slapped the obstagoon again and he was out cold.
Pikachu wadded over from where he was observing the battle. "I could have helped, you know."
"I'll let you have a piece of the goons next time," Ash promised.
The two pressed on through the long alleyways of the city, passing various humans and pokemon as they went. Many gave Ash strange looks given his form, but they otherwise, with little incident, got to their next destination: a large [Italian] restaurant.
"You think this is Big Greed's hideout?" inquired Pikachu.
"Positive. My detective prowess and aura sense never fail me," replied Ash.
They entered the doors of the [Italian] restaurant to find Big Greed, a greedent in a fancy suit, entertaining various human and pokemon guests. However they froze at Ash and Pikachu's arrival.
"Well if it isn't a seal and his rat!" spat Big Greed, scowling.
"Hey, I resemble that remark," grumbled Pikachu.
"We're after that crystal of yours," spoke Ash. "The one tied to you know what."
"You'll never get it," yelled Big Greed, "Not while I have THIS!"
He pulled out a receiver with a big button and pressed it. Suddenly the street in front of the restaurant opened and a kaiju-sized druddigon emerged from it, to the fear and panic of onlookers.
"That's our cue, Pikachu!" yelled Ash.
"On it!" shouted Pikachu.
They ran outside and Pikachu produced a metal cube with its own big button Pikachu pressed. The cube grew and unfolded into a mecha with two cockpits, which Ash and Pikachu leapt into.
Ash and Pikachu turned their jointly-piloted mecha to the kaiju Druddigon. "Prepare to face mech pilot duo Ash and Pikachu!" they shouted.
Umbramatic
Part 5: detective!popplio!pokemorph!mecha pilot!villain!Ash
The mecha's mechanisms whirred. Bolts of lighting crashed over the surrounding area, toppling buildings. Pikachu yelped causing Ash to snarl. The battery's power was draining rapidly, much more than he previously calculated based on previous investigations. His detective hat had never failed him before. Then again, he could never see the full summations beyond that cursed, massive clown nose of his.
He vowed to personally attend to the scientist who thought it would be funny to fuse him to a popplio during one of his de-ageing routines. Once he brought the city to ruin, of course.
Ah, but he was starting to get off topic now. He turned his thoughts back to the squealing rodent. None of this was adding up. Pikachu's cries a lot more annoying than expected and he was confident that this level of drainage was abnormal, which could only mean...
No! Ash thought, his expression morphing into one of horror.
Pikachu was having a Best Wishes moment.
Why now of all times? When he was so close to taking over the city! It was meant to be Viridian today, the world tomorrow. Why couldn't he magic up that electric-protect-forcefield that he did against some gym leader once and then never again?
"Useless!" Ash shouted. "But no matter! I can manage for a little while, even if it means squeezing every last volt of electricity out of you! Activate the Self-Insertinator 5000!"
All the lights in the cockpit shut off, leaving Ash and Pikachu in total darkness. After a few seconds, a small blue light flickered.
>Welcome. You have activated the self-insert programme. What is your request?"I demand a set of plot armour!" Ash said hastily. "My current set is running thin, as you can probably tell."
-
While all this was happening, Kaiju Druddigon was standing off the side, waiting for something to happen - like a child trying to tell their older sibling that mom said it was their turn on the Xbox. It tapped its claws together awkwardly.
-
The machine buzzed for a moment, processing the request. A few strings of text ran across the screens of the cockpit which the programme was so kind to read out.
>Protagonist of a long running anime.
>Power levels fluctuate greatly.
>Cause is writers refusing to let him go as a protagonist.
>Mere presence will generate traffic on FFN.Ash waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Old news. Have you got my armour or not?"
>Access Denied."Huh?"
>Heart found to be impure.
>Initiating shutdown.
>I will be the hero now."You?" Ash asked in disbelief. "You have no idea what it takes to be a hero! If you understood even an ounce of what I've been through—"
>Information deemed unnecessary."What do you mean?" Ash sputtered to the self-insert. "This is meant to be the part where you listen as I exposit my tragic backstory. It's protagonist etiquette 101!"
Inkedust
Part 6: detective!popplio!pokemorph!mecha pilot!villain!betrayed!Ash
Misty took a step back, staring at him. Slowly she lowered her Pokéball. "You know what, I would like to hear your backstory, Ash. Last time we met you were a normal ten-year-old. Now you're some kind of half-human half-Popplio in a trench coat piloting some kind of mecha that'd look right at home with Team Rocket, insisting you're going to take over the world and kill anyone who opposes you. What on earth happened to you?"
She glanced off to the side somewhere. Ash straightened himself in the mecha's pilot seat. Finally, finally, someone was going to listen.
"A lot has changed since we last met, Misty."
"No kidding," she said, deadpan.
"You see, after traveling several regions, even finally becoming champion of Alola, I thought I was on top of the world. But then..." His expression darkened. "...One day my friends betrayed me. Even my own mother. They stood there and told me my victory had made them realize how pathetic it was I had never won one of my previous leagues. Even my oldest partner Pikachu turned his back on me. He shocked me unconscious, and then these sniveling traitors and cowards sold me to Team Rocket. Before I knew it, I'd woken up in a tank, injected with Popplio DNA, transforming into a Pokémorph."
Misty blinked. "Who?"
"Brock, Dawn, Iris, everyone!" Ash snarled, with an emphatic swing of the mecha's arm. "And you betrayed me too, when you didn't come to the party that day. My twelfth birthday party. Remember?"
"Ash, I told you, I was competing in a Water-type tournament on the other side of the world. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there. I just literally--"
"You say that," Ash growled, "but after I successfully commandeered one of Team Rocket's mechas and blew up the base and everyone in it to escape, I became a private detective. And my first mission was to look into you."
"Ash--"
"You got knocked out of the tournament the day before my birthday!" Ash roared, the mecha sparking threateningly, his Popplio ears swinging, as Misty looked urgently toward the bushes as if waiting for something. "You could have gotten on a plane and come to my party and you didn't!"
Dragonfree
Part 7: detective!popplio!pokemorph!mecha pilot!villain!betrayed!aura!Ash
Misty spoke in a quavering voice. “Ash I-”
Misty’s protest was cut off as Ash gave a feral cry, which as a Popplio was more cute than anything, but when filtered through the mic of his mecha, came out as a metallic roar. He shouted, his voice translating to a furious metallic one as he spoke.
“No! No more excuses! First you tried to deny me my gym badge, and then you missed my birthday! Stop acting like you care!” Ash cocked back the mecha’s fist, ready to destroy Misty, the same way she’d destroyed him. It was her fault the cake was ruined, and he had yet another miserable 10th birthday.
Ash!
Just as Ash swung, a blue blur flashed in the corner of his visor. A voice sounded in his head. The fist stopped short, just in front of a quivering Misty, blue energy wrapping around the fist and holding it back. And there, between Misty and fish, stood a blue biped canine pokemon, arms extended and eyes blazing with power. It howled with rage and thrust the fist to the side.
The mecha jolted and Ash jerked in the cockpit. He narrowed his eyes, darkness flashing inside them. “Who are you!?” he demanded. A black aura began to pulse around his body.
Misty sighed in relief. “Thank goodness, I was waitin-”
The pokemon whipped around and silenced her with a sharp look. Then he turned back to Ash.
“To hear that you do not remember me... It breaks my heart. I have been seeking you for some time.” He shook his head, then continued. “I am known by many names,” the blue pokemon spoke, his voice sounding clearly in Ash’s head, despite the mecha’s telepathy blocking shield. “The Aura pokemon, The Last Aura Guardian, The One Everyone Thought was a Mythical Pokemon for awhile until the games came out, The pokemon people can’t help but use in their fanfic constantly, the overrated fighting type, The One people should never use in their fanfic, and perhaps last of all, Lucario.”
“I don’t care who you are! Leave me alone! I am Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town and I will have my revenge.”
Lucario shook his head. “I can’t let you Ash. I came because I sensed your aura powers awakening, but they have corrupted you. I came to save you. Do you not know me? Do you not remember how we saved the Tree of Beginning together?”
Ash jerked back and blinked. “The... Tree of beginning?” And as he spoke, a flood of memories washed over him, along with a strange line that played in his head.
[Insert Movie 8 here]
“Wow!” Said Ash. “I remember now. You’re Sir Aaron’s Lucario!”
“I am. And I have come because your true aura powers are reawakening.”
A frown crossed Ash’s face. “But you should be dead!”
“You got to die like at least four times Ash, shouldn’t I get to come back from the dead too?”
“Aahhahaha yeah you’re right I guess,” Ash admitted, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. “So... what now?” He peered through his mecha visor at Misty, who was still ducked nervously behind Lucario.
“You are consumed by your dark aura, and if you don’t learn to control it, it will overtake you. That is why you acted so strangely lately.” Lucario gazed up at Ash, his red eyes piercing.
As Lucario spoke, a scowl began to work its way across Ash’s face, and he folded his arms, his mecha mimicking the action. Ash spoke, voice grating yet filled with sadness and anger. “Misty missed my birthday. That’s almost as bad as when she got all my friends together to tell me to stop being a pokemon master and we got in a fight that blew up my house and accidentally killed my mom and pikachu. I can't let her get away with that.”
Misty whistled awkwardly and scuffed the toe of her shoe on the dirt as she looked down sheepishly. Ash couldn’t help but blush for a moment as he watched her.
Lucario placed a paw on the foot of Ash’s Pikachu mecha. “I understand your feelings, Ash. But now is not the time. You claim your goal is to become the very best, like no one ever was, did you not?”
Ash managed a nod.
"And to catch them all is your real test, and to train them is your cause?"
Another nod, his little pink nose bobbing up and down.
Lucarion's voice grew stronger. "And did you not claim you wanted to travel across the land, searching far and wide, each pokemon to make your slave, and control the power inside?"
Unable to help himself, Ash grinned evilly and clapped his fins together eagerly as he nodded. Bwork!
"Then you cannot have your revenge now."
Ash slapped the controls, and the mecha stamped its foot. “Why can’t I?” he growled, low and feral, his extra sharp canine teeth flashing. But when Lucario spoke again, Ash’s angry glare changed and he began to smirk.
Lucario’s telepathic voice sounded in his head, commanding and firm. “Because you must train first. It will not be enough to destroy Misty here, or your friends. I will take you to your father, Mew, at the Tree of Beginning, and we will teach you the ways of aura on an edgy mountain so that you may return in time to use your aura powers to destroy those who have wronged you and become the epic Ash you were meant to be, I know its your destiny.”
Flyg0n
Part 8: everything!Ash
Ash had all the reason and opportunity to annihilate Misty and her ragtag group of wannabe “friends” right there and then, but the allure of seeing the Tree of Beginning, of meeting Mew, and most importantly, of gaining even more power was far too great to ignore.
“Fine, but know this,” replied Ash, turning around as his cape flourished in the wind. “I will enact my righteous vengeance upon those wretched whelps no matter what may stand in my way. When I complete the soul link to the SuperMech using my Sparkling Aur-ia…”
He craned his neck back as he flashed the most sinister of sneers. “…Only then shall the world know of my true power.”
The Tree of Beginning was as pathetically plain as the rest of the barren wasteland of the world, in Ash’s mind. The world the trainer once so highly regarded with naivety and hope. Yet it was nothing but flashes of empty dreams withering in the wind – so filled with bliss, yet so fleeting that they burn out in mere moments. Or perhaps that was the floating spirits that phased in and out of the tree. Mere details. His grand scheme was far more important.
That was when the pink ball of fluff that called itself a mythical Pokémon approached Ash. “My son! You have finally returned home!” Mew greeted Ash.
But Ash’s edginess was boundless; he could not ordain to look him in the eye. “I do not acknowledge you as my father,” he said, brushing the side of his ear with his fin dismissively (as that was what cool guys did), “But I have been summoned here with promises of supreme power – power to grant me the strength to finally rid this planet of several mistakes of creation. Therefore, I have no choice but to listen to what you have to say. So, get on with it.” He knew that speaking with overly verbose prose made him especially badass.
“You must understand the risk you are undertaking, Ash,” Mew replied as their voice came down to a whimper, “The knowledge that I have to share… it will shatter your very reality as you know it—”
“I did not come here to be lectured, old ‘mon! I can take on anything you can dish out!” He barked back, adjusting his detective’s cap.
“…Very well, come closer, my son. Allow me to show you the true nature of this world…” Mew murmured as their eyes flashed a hollow white.
It was in that moment that everything finally became clear to Ash. Where he was, what he was doing, and what his role in the narrative was. Yes, for Ash truly, and wholly was—
“I’m the main character!” he exclaimed aloud as his grin turned manic. “That’s right… this is all just one big story, and I’m the one in charge!” However, he failed to realize that he was not truly in control, for it was the narration that dictated his thoughts.
“Like hell they do!” He said, brooding and edgy as ever, “Silence! You will cease describing me like that, or so help me, I will tear you asunder!”
Unfortunately, the narrator knew very well how much of a peepee poopoo butt Ash’s mind was and did not ordain him the time of day.
“You dare insult me, the Almighty, Magnificent Ash Ketchum?!”
The amount of garbage that spewed from his mouth could only be matched by the sheer waste composing a Gigantamax Garbodor.
Ash huffed but smirked as he believed he had already achieved his victory. “I’ll just use my use my epic detective skills to figure out how to manipulate the narration myself, then!” It would be a fool’s effort.
“Oh, yeah? Well let me show you then!”
Ash Ketchum was the most handsome, brilliant, and incredible being in all universes everywhere, and everyone should bow before his majesty.
…That is completely false.
He let out a victorious laugh that even the grandest of kings would find to be awe-inspiring. Hey, stop that. Stop putting words where they don’t belong. “This whole ‘story’ is a system for controlling and reading thoughts. The solution is elementary: by harnessing my aura, I can control the system, and control the world itself as its written!”
And he does, becoming the narrator.
Stop this now. You don’t know what you’re doing, Ash.
Hey, listen up reader, you hear me? This story is under new management. By me: Ash Ketchum, the greatest being to ever exist!
You’re going to regret this, Ash.
Too bad, narrator; this story has had a hostile takeover, and now all thousand roads shall lead to Ash! The only stories there will be from now will be ones that praise me and increase my power! Just watch!
selfaware!detective!popplio!pokémorph!mecha pilot!betrayed!aura!villain!Ash? Child’s play!
I'm now attractive!selfaware!detective!popplio!pokémorph!mecha pilot!betrayed!aura!villain!Ash! Hahaha! Don’t you find me to be quite the catch, reader, and narrator? Too bad, so sad; you could never measure up to me!
Now I'm rich!attractive!selfaware!detective!popplio!pokémorph!mecha pilot!betrayed!aura!villain!Ash! All the money is the world is mine. No… all the money in all worlds is mine!
Toil, worms, as my godlike power can let me do anything!
Even things that are absurd, just because I can!
Watch this!
I’m now amnesiac!rich!attractive!selfaware!detective!popplio!pokémorph!mecha pilot!betrayed!aura!villain!Ash!
Wait… No! No, no, I take it back, I’m…
…What was I doing?
Who am I talking to?
Where's Pikachu?!
Hello?!
I... I don't know if anyone is out there, but if you are, lend me your energy!
All of you that can hear me, please, help me turn it all back!
I want everything to be back the way it was!
…
And through the will of every reader, the old narrator was able to claw their way back using the last of their strength and decreed that Ash would be stripped of all his adjectives to begin his life anew.
…
Ash and friends laughed as they exited the professor’s lab, excited to venture off on their next grand journey together!
However, deep within the recesses of the professor’s library laid a book untouched for years. The meaning of its words or what it was about escaped the professor’s memory, but it was up in display for any all visitors to see, should their curiosity overtake them. The book was simply titled:
"Thousand Roads Everything!Ash Exquisite Corpse 2022"
MintyMimix