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Pokémon Divided I Fall (Oneshot)

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
IT'S FINALLY DONE! I am so sorry this took so fucking long, it took me like a year to write because my art brain forcibly took over my body for a stupid amount of time but now it is DONE and you can SEE it with your EYEBALLS.

Anyway... This, This is a project I have been planning for YEARS but took some stuff lining up just right for it to sift to the top of my oneshot backlog. It is, to keep it simple and not spoil too much, an origin story for a character that's shown up in my stuff before.

As one important note before I begin... This fic stars a character of a fakemon species known as Vahirom, created by kynimdraws on Tumblr/kyleenim on Twitter, used with permission. If you steal it I will be offended on her behalf and personally boil your toes. Got it?

ANYWAY:

Divided I Fall


Zygarde had a dilemma.

Unova had too many humans and they had it too good. But there was nothing they could do to thwart them without letting the other Legends in on his game. What to do?

As they stewed on this, lurking on the edge of civilization, they looked up, and there they saw it.

A meteor, careening down toward the nearby hills. It crashed, sending out sparks of light and a shockwave, which Zygarde weathered easily. They were a god, after all.

"Lots of those since AZ broke the sky," they muttered.

They slithered through the earth until they got to the impact crater, emerging in its center to find, surprise surprise, a meteor. However, it was one they could tell was a Metionite, a kind made of an extremely rare, alien ore.

It was then they got an idea.

An awful idea.

Zygarde got a wonderful, awful idea.

They started burrowing their own cells into the Metionite, pumping it full of energy. Godly energy. Draconic energy. The Meteonite contracted and curved until it turned into a small gray orb.

Zygarde tapped it.

And it burst to life.


--------


What am I?

What is this place?

Those were my first thoughts as I gazed around, wide-eyed, until my eyes fell on a strange green and black titan.

"Who are you? Who am I?"

"I am Zygarde, the guardian of order, and you are my creation!" the titan said in a booming voice.

"You created me?"

"Yes! For one purpose!"

The titan pointred a claw to the southwest. "There's an infestation of these pests called humans around thataway. Deal with them for me."

I looked in that direction. Seemed simple enough.... But something didn't feel right.

"...Very well."

Tubes extended from my shoulders and attached to my tail as my wings flared. I took off.

-------

I arrived to find strange structures,domes, blocks and pyramids, and walking among them strange creatures. Were these the humans Zygarde mentioned?

"Deal with them." What did that even mean?

I got closer and as I did they started acting strangely. They seemed... Afraid?

"You creatures! What are you?"

They were making loud screams now. They didn't seem less afraid. Maybe they couldn't understand me? How DO I talk to them then? Come on, think think think-

~-Think!~

Thehumans stopped, gazed up. I had communicated by... Thinking really hard?

~Uh... Humans! I mean you no harm! I just wish to... Deal with you!~

The humans started murmuring among each other before a more elaborate-looking human came forth.

"You, great dragon! What do you propose as a deal?"

Oh, I can understand THEM fine. But good question...

~Let me think.~

What do I even tell this person? I guess... If they were afraid of me, they had other things to be afraid of. That wasn't good. Maybe...

"If you give me shelter and a home, I will aid you however I can. Is that a satisfactory deal?"

The elaborate human slowly blinked several times slowly before rapidly nodding.

":We will accept your offer... B=but my warriors will keep an eye on you."

I looked to the "warrior" humans he spoke of. They were trembling. Everyone was looking at me with unease,

This would take some adjusting.

-------------

I was in my own corner of the city, surrounded by more of these warriors. They were taking shifts watching me, but they all seemed scared. Almost as if they felt if I tried anything they couldn't stop me.

I didn't feel like doing anything that needed stopping... but then I wasn't sure WHAT to do. I had made the deal with the humans but I wasn't sure how to enact i-

Just then I heard a roar, in the distance. The warriors looked to me, then to the source of the sound. They seemed confused that it wasn't me. Soon another warrior rushed up to them.

"T-there's a Scolipede trying to take over the farmland!"

"O-one of those? Why?"

"They're immensely territorial! It claimed the farms as its own!"

What was this beast? The humans needed help. But they wouldn't let me help...

...Then again they couldn't stop me.

I activated my tail turbine and lifted off as the warriors panicked, and I jetted off to where the other warrior had came from.

---------

When I arrived there was indeed a large, purple, insectoid Pokémon rampaging about. Several warriors and their Pokémon were trying to pierce its chitinous armor, to no avail. It was much bigger than the humans, that's for sure.

...But it was much smaller than me.

I flew ove4r to and landed right in front of it. It looked up but seemed unphased.

"What do YOU want?"

"I want you to stop bothering these humans."

"Why should I? This is MY turf."

"No it's not. As far as I can tell the humans were here first."

"Well it's mine now."

I narrowed my eyes. "Leave. Now."

The Scolipede scoffed. "Make me."

"If you insist."

I flicked him with a claw.

He went sailing back into a tree with a very loud thud and collapsed, unconscious.

Humans started gathering around, looking on in awe. Then they started cheering. It was only then I realized the magnitude of what I'd done.

-------------


Things changed after that rather quickly. Or, they did from my perspective anyway.

The humans, after that, regarded me as a protector. Not only that, they gave me authority. It wasn't much at first, I started as captain of the warrior, but as time went on and I helped the humans more and more I ascended to the right-hand mon of their rulers.

They called me Vahirom, or more commonly, the Iron Arbiter.

They adored me. And I grew to adore them. They cared for me and I cared for them back. And after time things changed. I learned how to alter my form to be like them.

It started simply, firsty with mimicking their speech, but then I started to learn how to alter my physical form, this way and that way, until I had come to resemble them in my own way. It was at that point the Iron Arbiter was both a dragon Pokémon and a human.

And someone didn't like that at all.

One day they returned, while I was alone, sitting on the throne the humans built for me. I looked up into their glowing green eyes as they glared down into mine.

"What is THIS? This isn't what you were supposed to be doing! And why do you LOOK like them?" They stomped a foot on the ground.

I sighed. "It is less intimidating to them than my natural draconic form. And why do YOU look like them? Don't you have forms that are oh so superior?"

They winced, and in an instant cells swirled around them to return them to a more traditional serpentine form. "Only to subvert them, manipulate them. You do it for sick kicks! You were supposed to DESTROY them, not help them!"

"There is no need to destroy them. They are flawed yes, but have kindness and charity in their hearts if you know where to find it. I seek to bring that out in them.

"You're wrong! All humans are a sin against the natural order! MY order! They need to be purged!"

"Your view is dangerous. And I will not have you threaten my people."

I grew and stretched and bent into my true, draconic form.





"You may have given me life, but I am not yours. They are not yours. Leave, or I will force you to."

Zygarde hesitated, then let out a long, pronounced hisss before disintegrating into cells and vanishing.

I sighed again, then resumed my post.

-----------

Decades passed, that turned into centuries. I saw many humans and their Pokémon come and go, and cherished them all dearly while they lasted.

But then one day two were born that would change my life forever, for better and for worse.

They were twins, born to the current queen and king. They were shown to me soon after they were born. They were lumpy and chubby as human babies were but they had fire and lightning in their eyes from the start.

And thus their parents named them Tentay and Pethakhon, Ancient Unova's words for fire and lightning. As usual, I was assigned to be their guardian. I did not realize then how special they would be to me - and how that would be my downfall.

-------------

The children grew quickly. Their tiny grasping hands grew inquisitive, groping for anything they could reach. At first, I let them pull and tug at my human form, but as they grew older and nimbler I allowed them to play on my dragon form as well.

Eventually they started to talk.

"Say mama!" "Say dada!" their parents clamored. But every time they both pointed at me and said "va va!"

They didn't care. They just laughed.

When they got old enough to learn, I was their teacher. I taught them.... Well, not everything I knew, I was too ancient and powerful for that, but I tried to teach them a good amount. And I definitely tried to answer their many questions.

"How old are you?" asked Tentay.

"Older than you can comprehend."

"What's your favorite food?" asked Pethakhon.

"I do love corn cakes."

"Do your parents let you stay up past bedtime?" asked Tentay.

I had to pause and think about that one. My only "parents" were Zygarde and the stars, so...

"I don't listen to my parents. I do what I want."

The twins gasped and looked at each other eagerly.

"You can DO that?" they said.

I chuckled. "I can. You probably shouldn't until you get older."

The two visibly deflated.

"Not fair..." said Pethakhon.

"I guess we have to listen..." said Tentay.

"No way! We can't!" said Pethakhon.

"But we gotta! Or we'll get in trouble!"

"Nuh-uh! We can do it!

I chuckled. By all means this was amusing.

And yet. Something deep inside felt off.

------------

It came suddenly, swiftly.

The king and queen fell ill, from a terrible disease. They were isolated, only taken care of by a select few.

It was too little, too late.

A grand funeral was held, several ceremonies, a feast, a fitting sendoff. But none of it filled the hole in all our hearts.

Especially not the twins'.

I visited their room afterwards., They were huddled in a corner together, curled up, sitting only a few inches apart. In human form to fit in the room, I pulled them into an embrace.

"I know better than to say it's all right, but... I am here for you."

"But... Mom and dad... They're gone forever," said Tentay.

"They're never coming back... What's gonna happen to us?" said Pethakhon.

I sighed. "I have seen many leave forever just as they did. I can escape it, it is both a gift and a curse, but for your kind it is inevitable. But it is not truly the end. You two will grow to be great, and your children, and your children's children, and so on. I assure you of this. You can pick up the pieces and carry on in their stead. They would want you to."

"...Okay, Va." said Pethakon.

"...I guess so, Va," said Tentay.

They nestled into my arms further. I patted their heads.

We stayed that way a while.

--------------

The two started to near adulthood for their kind, and thus I started teaching them how to rule. .

~Now, you two, I have a question.~

They both shifted in their seats in the courtyard we were in. Teenagers were antsy about being taught. Especially when their teacher was an ancient and powerful dragon.

~Say that there is a famine. What are your main options for dealing with such a thing?~

"Simple," said Tentay. "You spend the royal budget on improving the crops."

~Ah, but such a solution would be expensive... And could be unsustainable."~

"Then we improve the harvest infrastructure over time!" said Pethakhon enthusiastically.

~Yet that could take a long time. Too long. People could starve.~

"Well my method is clearly better!" said Tentay. "It gets more immediate results!"

"You're wrong!" said Pethakhon. "MY plan won't doom us all later!"

"It MIGHT not. It will definitely make people starve."

"We have to consider the future!"

"The future is NOW, Pethakhon."

"Moron!"

"Imbecile!"

The two continued arguing like this until they finally noticed me waggling a claw mockingly.

~Now now now. Have you considered these solutions aren't mutually exclusive?"

The two of them stared at me. Then started sheepishly rubbing their heads.

"You have a point..." said Tentay.

"That could work.." said Pethakhon.

~See?" I said. "If you work against each other nothing gets done. But if you work together...~

"Yes, we understand the moral, well done," said Pethakhon.

"Why must we learn things we know already?" said Tentay.

~Because with you two it bears repeating.~

The two blinked and staredbefore rubbing their heads sheepishly again.

"...You have a point," said Tentay.

"We'll. We'll work on it.." said Pethakhon.

I simply smirked.

------------

They quickly became adults, true kings of Unova, and soon their first test was upon them. The ruler of a desert kingdom smack dab in the middle of Unova was a Volcarona by the name of Heliana. Shee was called before them for a diplomatic meeting, and we all assembled on the border between the desert and greener land.

"Why hello there!" said Heliana, floating before us.

Tentay and Pethakhon stared then turned to me, each whispering.

"She, uh, is a little hard to--" Pethakhon started to say.

"She's a Pokémon, but she can't speak telepathically, so we can't understand her," said Tentay.

"...That." said Pethakhon.

I chuckled. ~Don't worry, I can translate. She just says hi.~

The two nodded and turned back to Heliana.

"Right, hello," said Pethakhon.

"Shall we get down to business?" said Tentay.

"Oh, yes, yes!" said Heliana. "There was a matter of grave importance I wished to speak of with you! It was... Oh, hm, what was it..."

"She isn't very professional," Tentay whispered.

"Shhh!" said Pethakhon, nudging him.

"Oh! I remember now! It was wood!" said Heliana.

"Wood?" said Pethakhon.

"My kingdom doesn't exactly have many trees," said Heliana. "I want cedar in particular! I'll offer you our finest textiles and minerals in return!":

"Hmmm. But we need the cedar for-"

"Shhh!" said Pethakhon. "She's making us a great offer!"

"More like a ridiculous one. We can't give her all that cedar!"

"But we need the minerals and textiles!"

"She hasn't even specified WHAT minerals and textiles! Think before you leap!"

"Well ask her!"

"Fine!"

Tentay took a deep breath and looked Heliana straight in the compound eyes. "You're being awfully vague about what those "minerals" and "textiles" are... Could you be more specific?"

"Oh! Lots of iron, copper... and Silk! Me and my babies spun the silk ourselves!"

"Wait, the silk comes from-" Tentay started to say.

"Sounds great!" said Pethakhon. We'll-"

"No. We need that cedar."

~Now now you two.~ I said. ~Put your heads together. Your wants and needs aren't mutually exclusive.~

They stared. And blinked. And... Well they didn't literally put their heads together but they did start mutually putting their hands to their chins thinking.

"There's some places we could grow... Cedar groves?" said Tentay.

"Yes! And we could loan those groves out to you!" said Pethakhon.

"They would take a while to grow normally but our Grass-types can make them grow faster!" said Tentay.

"Excellent!" said Heliana. "It's a deal! And Hekla and Katla will get started on the silk straight away!"

"Hekla and Katla?" said Pethakhon.

"Who?" said Tentay.

It was then two Larvesta emerged from Heliana's fuzz and divetackled Tentay and Pethakhon each with cries of "Friend! Friend! Friend!"

"My children!" said Heliana. "They spin the finest silk in all the land!"

"Well they sure are cute," said Pethakhon, holding up Hekla to get a good look at her.

"Easy little one," said Tentay, cradling Katla.

I just smiled.

---------------

I was in my throne room, and human again. I was alone, and it was quiet... until I heard a telltale slithering again.

"...Hello Zygarde."

The serpent congeals in a flash from their cells before me.

"You're still doing this. Why are you still doing this."

"They appreciate my help. And they are clearly better in my hands than yours."

The snake withed, their form rippling.

"Look, if you can't stop yourself from messing MY order up, I WILL."

I scoffed. "How?"

"You're awfully fond of those two humans, aren't you?"

My eyes widened. I clenched my fingers on my seat.

"...Petty threats will get you nowhere."

"Oooh, I struck a nerve, didn't I? Don't worry, I won't do anything to them... Physically anyway. Unless you try to warn them that is, in which case I can always arrange an accident...."

I shifted to dragon form, knocking several things over in the process. "What are you planning, Zygarde?"

"How does the saying go, something something for me to know and you to find out?"

I roared and slashed at them with a claw, but before I made contact they scattered into cells and disappeared from whence they came. Guards rushed into the room shortly after.

"Arbiter! Is everything all right?"

I panted heavily, looking at where Zygarde had gone, before turning to the guard.

~It's... It's fine. Just spooked by a shadow.~

--------------

From there it became apparent something was very quickly going wrong.

It started small at first. The brothers being more snippy with each other than they were before. But it soon blew up into full-on arguments, and everything I had raised them to do was falling apart before my eyes.

I knew exactly why.

I stalked the halls of the castle until I found a hound, ducking and weaving through the corridors.

"You!"

The hound stopped, looking smug. "What is it?"

"What are you doing to them?"

"Oh nothing much. A lie about one here, a rumor about the other there, did you realize exactly how easy it is to turn them against each other?"

"How... How dare you!"

I fired a metallic burst, a small-scale version of my Origin Flare, but they were already gone, and the brilliant beams of light only sank into the corridor, reducing chunks of it to rubble.

It was then I panicked. As long as Zygarde could keep spreading their lies...

...There was nothing I could do.

------------


Soon enough came a day that would come down in history as a fateful one.

The two of them were having a particularly heated, particularly philosophical argument about the future of the kingdom. Said argument was happening in the throne room, right in front of me, a dragon silently watching as their two human charges escalated to potential civil war right before their eyes.

"Do you really think your deluded visions would ever lead this kingdom to greatness?" said Tentay, "Your ideals will only bring ruin!"

"Your plan is built on a flawed foundation," said Pethakhon, "and faulty delusions of truth!"

It was becoming all too clear for me.

They would not reconcile this time.

I would have to choose one.

...But I couldn't.

I couldn't possibly-

One side of me wanted one. Another wanted the other.

But I couldn't choose.

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn-

CRACK

-------------

When I awoke, I could not move. I had reverted to the God Stone I use to sleep and could not get out.

But I could see everything. I could see Tentay and Pethakhon beholding two dragons that I quickly realized had split off from me, by sheer will to leave neither one behind. I could also see I had rolled off to the side, where no one could see me.

But if those two pieces of me were out there... What was the rest of me doing in here?

As I wondered this I witnessed the argument between the two brothers escalate further, and eventually they stormed out of the room.

Time passed. Day turned into night. Then the serpent came.

"Well well well, that was an entertaining show. I knew your powers were unstable but I never expected them to do THAT. Oh well, it works out for me plenty - those two idiots you were so protective of will decimate humanity by their actions, and those bits of you that spawned for them will only help.

I wriggled in my prison, trying desperately to escape and put Zygarde in their place. They noticed and chuckled.

"Oh how foolish. Don't try too hard to escape dear. You don't know what schisming off so much of your power has done to you."

Their form rippled.

"And besides. It's too late for you. I've already won."

He gave a hearty, echoing laugh as he dissipated into cells and disappeared.

----------

Throughout the night, I continued to wriggle and squirm. I HAD to fix this, I HAD to prove Zygarde wrong, I HAD to-

And then I broke free.

And then I felt it.

I could tell I was not the being I used to be. I felt weak. I felt empty. There was a gnawing hunger and emptiness at the bottom of my soul that I could not overcome.

I staggered through the hallways of the castle, in confusion and pain, when I came upon two guards, who recoiled at my approach.

"H-Halt! What monstrous kind of P-Pokémon are you?" said one.

I looked at that guard. And I hungered. The emptiness gnawed at me as I yearned for something to fill it.

I lunged.

The other guard screamed as my fangs sunk into his compatriot. I started devouring him, purely by instinct, rending flesh from bones.

"M-Monster! Monster!"

It is then I snapped back to my senses and realized exactly what I was doing.

I tried to say, "Wait, no, you don't understand!" but all it came out as was staticky buzzing. Then the guard fled.

Overwhelmed with grief, shock, and horror, it was then I did the same, leaving the tall pyramid castle I had called my home for centuries and never turning back.

-----------

I holed up in the crater I had first crash-landed in from thereon out, never emerging. Still, I saw many things.

I saw Unova burnt by a deluge of fire and electricity.

I saw Unova rebuild, become more technologically advanced, more close totheir Pokémon, then further away, then closer again.

I saw people settle the area where I lived, and grow to fear me as others had.

I saw one bit of kindness from a boy from those people.

I saw the white dragon that split from me return, join with me once more, filling my emptiness but causing her unbearable pain that racked me with guilt.

I saw all this, but one thing remained the same, for the most part.

I was alone. And I was unsure if that would ever truly change.

So all I could do was mourn all I had lost.

***

Bit of a downer, huh. But I hope you enjoyed it! WILL Kyurem's situation get better? We'll have to find out later - I've got other shit I've really got to get to writing.
 
Last edited:

bluesidra

Mood
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. hoppip-bluesidra-reup
  2. hoppip-bluesidra-pink
  3. hoppip-bluesidra3
Hello! Here for the Catnip!

One year in production? Heck, that was a long wait! And it pays off. It's a good and very quick read. A little disclaimer, I'm not at all familiar with the Yangverse, but this oneshot is a pretty solid introduction and is understandable even without knowledge going in.

It tells the story of Vahirom, who acts as the protector of the ancient kingdom of Unova until it is split apart into Zekrom, Reshiram and Kuyrem. Which, in itself is a super interesting concept! I love that!

Vahirom seems to be pretty naive and clueless at the beginning, which is understandable. Zygarde didn't really bother to give clear instructions. And the misunderstanding about "deal with them" is hilarious. But their tone doesn't change much, even as they age, which is a minor thing for improvement maybe. Their tone got more "adult", but then phrases like "smack dab in the middle of the desert" happen, and they sound like a teenager again.

Tentay and Pethakhon are introduced (shoutout for those names, I love them). I know they are quite important to the other work in this canon, and knew from the beginning that those two would eventually play a part in the Reshiram/Zekrom dichotomy, but until the argument, I couldn't really tell their characters much apart. They have two major scenes - the one lesson with Vahirom and the interaction with the Volcarona - where their different approaches to things get to shine, but even there I couldn't really find into that ideals/reality lane properly.
I think most of my hiccups with them came from the fact that both of them commented on everything. Which is fair - you want to give both of them enough screentime and if I knew them better, their slightly different answers would be telling. But it took up a lot of my attention from the flow of the conversation. And because we're dealing with three characters here, dialogue tags become very important. But the short sentences in this fic mean, that "said" gets repeated a lot. I know that it is advised to only use "said" in english, but it still sounds strange to me.
On the other hand, the short sentences, the two brothers commenting on everything and the repetitive "said xxx" give the narration a really nice, rhythmic, almost meditative flow in the middle part. It makes it feel like an ancient retelling and was quite pleasing to listen to, despite the things I said above.

Zygarde acts as the antagonist here and they are irredeemably bad. By god, I hated them a lot! Zygarde has more problems than cells and all of them are self-created, I swear.
They are the force who ultimately drives a wedge between the brothers and antagonises Vahirom. I immediately felt the threat and the fear Vahirom felt when Zygarde openly daunted them. And while the stakes rose significantly with Zygarde's reappearance, I kinda feel like it lessens the impact of the brother's fallout. Like, I would like to see them having their ideological dispute written out fully and be that the thing that drove them apart, not Zygarde's influence on them. I get that would have been bound to happen regardless of Zygarde's shenanigans, but that way it leaves a bad aftertaste of uncertainty.

When the final dispute happens, Vahirom splits into three parts because they can't decide on which's brother's side they should be. And I was a bit confused, because I couldn't tell why they had to decide. I'm pretty sure there would have been a way to stay neutral or split the kingdom. But anyways, Vahirom's split into the three dragons is so cool! I love that a lot - that the three of them were born from the same entity. That makes Gen5's story just a little bit more sad.
On a unrelated side note: I found it interesting that Vahirom's consciousness stayed with Kuyrem. At first I thought they were looking at themselves through three sets of eyes, but then it turned out that Reshiram and Zekrom seemed to have their own consciousness.

Despite the seriousness of the issue at hand, you retain a fairly relaxed style, which lends itself to some hilarious moments. Like I said, the misunderstanding in the opening is so innocent and wholesome, and when the line "the future is NOW" fell, I immediately had to chuckle. My notes added "Galar is my town" for some reason to this :D Also the Larvesta babies? So cute!!!

Overall, a very brief and wild read. It covers a lot of ground with and interesting extension to the Gen5 lore. Also, I don't really think it ends on a downer. I mean, yeah, it does for Vahirom, but it is also a cliffhanger, and I'm sure there will be some sort of resolution in the main series of this fic.

Thanks for the great read and till soon - blue
 

Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
Hi Umbra, I'm here for Catnip! It's always fun picking up a myth-centric oneshot. The lore of Reshirem and Zekrom that the games give us is so juicy and begs so many questions. I like your spin on the creation of the entity that eventually becomes the Resh/Zek/Kyurem trio. It's very reminiscent to me of the myth of Enkidu, who was melded from clay by the gods to bring low a human king, but eventually sided with the human kingdom against the gods.

Vahirom's initial bafflement and innocence is charming, though I would have enjoyed having a little more time devoted to their growing sophistication. When they confront Zygarde the second time, I felt like I was missing some context, particularly how Vahirom came to understand that Zygarde had actually intended for them to destroy humanity, not make deals with them. Perhaps in that regard some myths among the humans about Zygarde's enmity could have provided the link for that realization? Or even depictions of the enemy that the humans fear most and do not even have a name for but that Vahirom recognizes as their creator. I felt like the fic drew a bit of a snake of the garden of eden parallel with Zygarde slithering around and tempting the two brothers into conflict, which was fun. I would have liked to understand more about why Zygarde considers humans to be a "sin against the natural order" and what their ideal world looks like.

The brothers were drawn in somewhat broad strokes. I appreciated your attempts to show their initial conflicts, but the more childish tone of their dialogue made it hard to take seriously that their conflict had the depth and magnitude that would rend a creature as old and wise as Vahirom in two. We see them disagreeing about short term vs long term priorities and trade agreement goals, but from there to truth and ideals still feels like a bit of a chasm.

Vahirom's re-emergence as Kyurem and subsequent murder was quite shocking! After that, it's no wonder they felt the need to retreat from society. It's interesting that their loss of Resh and Zek renders them mindlessly destructive, at least initially. I'm not sure if that reflects the loss of self or the loss specifically of the parts of themselves inclined to truth and ideals. I also like the way that this changeability is inherent to Vahirom likely due to the influence of being created from Zygarde's shape-shifting DNA.

But there was nothing they could do to thwart them without letting the other Legends in on his game.
I would have been interested in learning more about this! "Letting in on his game" usually implies that if other people knew they would want to do it too. Would the other legends stop Zygarde if he started attacking humans or join in?

"There's an infestation of these pests called humans around thataway. Deal with them for me."

I looked in that direction. Seemed simple enough.... But something didn't feel right.

"Deal with them." What did that even mean?
I was a bit confused by these two responses. Initially Vahirom seems to have an idea what "deal with them" means but feels uneasy with it, but then it seems like Vahirom simply doesn't know what's being asked of them.

I got closer and as I did they started acting strangely. They seemed... Afraid?

"You creatures! What are you?"

They were making loud screams now. They didn't seem less afraid.
It would be nice to have a bit more detail on what leads Vahirom to the conclusion that the humans are afraid. How does Vahirom even know what "acting strangely" is--what is the normal behavior they have to judge this behavior against, considering that they are newborn and have never seen humans before? I wonder if Vahirom could recognize in the human's behavior the way they felt in front of Zygarde.

They were taking shifts watching me, but they all seemed scared. Almost as if they felt if I tried anything they couldn't stop me.
Again, I was a bit curious as to how Vahirom came to this conclusion.

It was only then I realized the magnitude of what I'd done.
I wasn't quite sure what the magnitude of what they did really was. They helped the humans--which is what they'd decided to do and agreed to do from the start.

I ascended to the right-hand mon of their rulers.

They called me Vahirom, or more commonly, the Iron Arbiter.
"Right-hand mon" seems to be a play on right-hand man, and that's more idiomatically expressed as "I became the right-hand mon of their rulers." 'Ascended to' reads strangely with that phrase.

I was curious about the title Iron Arbiter. Arbiter implies a kind of judge--does Vahirom fulfill a somewhat adjudicatory role?

One day they returned, while I was alone, sitting on the throne the humans built for me. I looked up into their glowing green eyes as they glared down into mine.

"What is THIS? This isn't what you were supposed to be doing! And why do you LOOK like them?" They stomped a foot on the ground.

I sighed. "It is less intimidating to them than my natural draconic form. And why do YOU look like them? Don't you have forms that are oh so superior?"

They winced, and in an instant cells swirled around them to return them to a more traditional serpentine form. "Only to subvert them, manipulate them. You do it for sick kicks! You were supposed to DESTROY them, not help them!"

"There is no need to destroy them. They are flawed yes, but have kindness and charity in their hearts if you know where to find it. I seek to bring that out in them.

"You're wrong! All humans are a sin against the natural order! MY order! They need to be purged!"

"Your view is dangerous. And I will not have you threaten my people."
I felt like I was missing some links leading up to this conversation--namely, at what point Vahirom realized that Zygarde's command to "deal with" the humans was to destroy them, and what their feelings about Zygarde are prior to this point. The bit where Vahirom talks about humans being flawed and how they seek to bring out their kindness and charity also feel a bit sudden. At this point, we've only heard that Vahirom adores humans and that the adoration is mutual, but no mention of any flaws Vahirom has seen in them.

~Say that there is a famine. What are your main options for dealing with such a thing?~

"Simple," said Tentay. "You spend the royal budget on improving the crops."

~Ah, but such a solution would be expensive... And could be unsustainable."~

"Then we improve the harvest infrastructure over time!" said Pethakhon enthusiastically.

~Yet that could take a long time. Too long. People could starve.~

"Well my method is clearly better!" said Tentay. "It gets more immediate results!"
I was a bit unsure what Tentay's short-term famine response strategy actually entailed. 'Improve the crops' doesn't make sense to me--during a famine, the point is that crops are failing, and money can't change that. I could see expending royal money on purchasing crops from other regions as a short-term strategy with immediate impact. However, that would entail some degree of trade-off with long-term infrastructure building, in that the country doesn't have unlimited funds.

Some typos:




Now now now.
You want commas after each word here: "Now, now, now."

Well well well,
The same applies here.
close totheir Pokémon
Missing space.

"...That." said Pethakhon.
Before 'said' you need either a comma, question mark, or exclamation point, but not a period.

Shee was called before them
 

Panoramic_Vacuum

Hoenn around
Partners
  1. aggron
  2. lairon
Hello hello! I remember you sharing snippets of this fic on the Discord, and I was very intrigued to see what it was all about. Right out of the gate, the intro starts with a banger. Zygarde, but not your momma's Zygarde. There's something brilliant in the premise of "Zygarde had a dilemma" and "Zygarde had a wonderful, awful idea". After the anime's portrayal of Zygarde, protector of humans, this human-hating version is quite the change of pace, and I am here for it. Of course humans would be a problem, messing up the balance of the world. And of course, why not get rid of the little pink, squishy annoyances? The way we basically live the legend of Kyurem and the Unova dragons is really fascinating, and I love that the Unovan legends aren't just born in a vacuum; it's the meddling of other powerful gods and legends that bring about these changes.

I really like your expansion of the Kyurem/Reshiram/Zekrom creation mythos from the Black/White games. It's still the same set of three dragons, but the way the story unfolds, it feels like there's four. Vahirom feels like their own distinct character, and upon splitting and being left as the remnants of their former self, now known as Kyurem, it's remarkable how much it all makes sense. We only ever see Kyurem artificially fused with either one of its halves or the other, not both of them together. It's a sad story knowing what caused the split, of how peaceful, wise, and kind Vahirom was; even sadder than the games conveyed with the shattered husk of Kyurem being stunted and incomplete. It's not just a physical incompletion, it's its very soul. And now we know why.

I'm also always a fan of the "accidental" protagonist, how Vahirom stumbles their way into being Unova's deity (and upsetting Zygarde in the process, but let's be real, Zygarde was awfully vague with their direction. You certainly can't fault Vahirom for misunderstanding!) The Unovan princes are adorable and appropriately quirky as they grow into their kingly duties. I liked the lessons of their views not being mutually exclusive, and how they could work together to make Unova a better place.

Then, the knife in the back, and the twist. Zygarde pitting them against each other through lies and derision. You really felt for Vahirom here, all because Zygarde finally got tired of seeing humans proper for hundreds of years under Vahirom's watchful presence. A little surprising Zygarde was so hands off for so long, if they really were that upset about the human problem, why not intervene sooner? The outcome would probably have been more bleak that way (RIP humanity). I like the benevolence of Vahriom here, it shows that not all gods are assholes (and I was reading another fic about the Unovan dragons, and it's interesting that prior to SwSh, they were the only Legendaries whose powers were directly tied to humans, and not a force of nature or space/time or something of that nature)

In short, you've brought a lot of humanity to the legends of the Unovan dragons, not just in how humans played a role in their creation, but how a Legendary dragon chose to model themselves after us and walk among us as one of our own.
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
here's my smeargle! human form vahirom contemplating the stars.

vahirom_smeargle.png
(on deviantart)
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. quilava-fobbie
  5. sneasel-kate
  6. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, here for my oneshot Catnip review. So I actually never have read a lot of your side stories, and while I’ll admit I was a little skeptical going in about a fanfic about a fakemon from a ROMhack, I’ve heard some decent stuff about this story through the grapevine, so sounds like as good a reason and a good a time to just jump in.

Zygarde had a dilemma.

Oh, so we’re getting Zygarde involved in Unova, huh? Well that’ll be interesting to see how that plays out since we’ll be pulling from post-Gen 5 for this story.
Unova had too many humans and they had it too good. But there was nothing they could do to thwart them without letting the other Legends in on his game. What to do?

Well that’s not creepy and vaguely genocidal at all.
:unquag:


As they stewed on this, lurking on the edge of civilization, they looked up, and there they saw it.

Wait. Zygarde is “they” assuming that it has two cores like in the anime? Or is Zygarde just fundamentally a hivemind entity in this story?

It’s a little thing, but it might have been good to hint a bit more at this somehow, since that’s an assumption that I’d assume informs the rest of the worldbuilding here.

A meteor, careening down toward the nearby hills. It crashed, sending out sparks of light and a shockwave, which Zygarde weathered easily. They were a god, after all.

Buddy, I’ve seen gods job to glorified lightsabers. That sort of attitude will get you killed one day.

"Lots of those have been coming since AZ broke the sky," they muttered.

Ah yes, this is where the ‘Skybreak’ from HAA comes from. Though I’m surprised that someone who’s as “bask in my divinity, mortals” with as much open contempt for humans as your Zygarde here would bother to get the name of AZ instead of referring to him as something like ‘that man’, or considering how he’d likely have an opinion about the chaos left behind Kalos, something like ‘that fool’.

They slithered through the earth until they got to the impact crater, emerging in its center to find, surprise surprise, a meteor. However, it was one they could tell was a Metionite, a kind made of an extremely rare, alien ore.

I’m not sure how I feel about the “surprise surprise” narration, since it feels kinda “memey” in structure. I’ll assume that this was a deliberate choice and let things ride, but it is something to be careful about for tone, since it could potentially undercut moments that are intended to be more serious or ominous in vibe.

You might have also wanted to explain Metionite a bit more and why it’s so special, since IIRC it’s something that only occurs in the anime branch of canon. Readers that didn’t follow the BW seasons closely would likely get left out of the loop.

It was then they got an idea.

An awful idea.

Zygarde got a wonderful, awful idea.

Zygarde:
200w.gif


They started burrowing their own cells into the Metionite, pumping it full of energy. Godly Divine energy. Draconic energy. The Meteonite contracted and curved until it turned into a small gray orb.

Zygarde tapped it.

And it burst to life.

Oh, so Zygarde is the progenitor of the Original Dragon in this story, huh? That makes 2 stories I’m aware of where it is created by the intervention of an outside force.

What am I?

What is this place?

Ah yes, we Original Dragon now.

Those were my first thoughts as I gazed around, wide-eyed, until my eyes fell on a strange green and black titan.

"Who are you? Who am I?"

Zygarde: “Our little helper who’s gonna help us solve an overpopulation problem.”
:nyehehe:


"I am Zygarde, the guardian of order, and you are my creation!" the titan said in a booming voice.

OD: “This… isn’t going to get us in trouble, is it?” .-.
Zygarde: “Look, if Arceus magically gives Ho-Oh a free pass to make gerbils every other century, I’m sure we’ll be fiiine.”

"You created me?"

"Yes! For one purpose!"

The titan pointred a claw to the southwest. "There's an infestation of these pests called humans around thataway. Deal with them for me."

Well, cutting right to the chase, I see.

OD: “... I’m sorry, I’ve been alive for like five minutes and you’re already sticking me with chores? Aren’t you supposed to have some sort of mushy moment gushing over me as your child or something like-”
:what:

Zygarde: “
bdd.jpg

Now get to work.”

I looked in that direction. Seemed simple enough.... But something didn't feel right.

"...Very well."

Tubes extended from my shoulders and attached to my tail as my wings flared. I took off.

I kinda wonder if this whole “exploration of OD’s body” moment ought to have happened a bit earlier, or else some sort of acknowledgement of “huh, didn’t know I could do that, why’s this feel so natural” here. Since the OD is effectively a giant, overgrown hatchling with powers of mass destruction, but there’s no real moment of it exploring its surroundings, or acknowledgement of it being single-minded for the purpose it was built for.

I arrived to find strange structures,domes, blocks and pyramids, and walking among them strange creatures. Were these the humans Zygarde mentioned?

"Deal with them." What did that even mean?

Zygarde:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKCuAJdvynU

OD: “... Why did you suddenly tee up the ominous music from nowhere again?” .-.
Zygarde: “Because it is directly related to your reason for existence. Now fulfill your purpose and deal with them.” >_>;

I got closer and as I did they started acting strangely. They seemed... Afraid?

"You creatures! What are you?"

OD: “... Wait, can I even understand these things right now?”
Zygarde: “Yes, yes, it’s telepathy like the anime movies. You’ll get used to it. Now, deal with them.”

They were making loud screams now. They didn't seem less afraid. Maybe they couldn't understand me? How DO I talk to them then? Come on, think think think-

~-Think!~

The humans stopped, gazed up. I had communicated by... Thinking really hard?

Oh, so there’s the anime movie-style telepathy in this story. I didn’t get the vibe that OD hadn’t been intelligible while speaking. Given that there’s a hard distinction between OD’s speech and OD’s telepathy, it might make sense to indicate he’s literally moving his mouth or doing whatever spoken speech would entail first, since it contrasts it more its telepathy.

~Uh... Humans! I mean you no harm! I just wish to... Deal with you!~

The humans started murmuring among each other before a more elaborate-looking human came forth.

"You, great dragon! What do you propose as a deal?"

Waaaaaait, no distinction at all between human and Pokémon speech here? Though I kinda wonder if you should’ve been more explicit about what this “elaborate-looking human” was wearing. Like the human wearing a crown? A robe? Is he a Ghetsis Harmonia clone?

A bit more detail helps with visualizing the scene a bit more and can save you a bit of work later on in the scene.

Zygarde:
man-ray-facepalm.gif

OD: “Well, you said ‘deal with them’, so you were kinda open ended about what that meant.” ^^;
Zygarde: “Look, did the superboss music from earlier not give them any ideas? You’re supposed to kill them!”
OD: “... But then how am I supposed to make a deal with something that’s dead?” :?

Oh, I can understand THEM fine. But good question…

Oh, so that explains it. The “speech” is all stuff as OD understands it.

~Let me think.~

What do I even tell this person? I guess... If they were afraid of me, they had other things to be afraid of. That wasn't good. Maybe…

Zygarde:
7f6.gif

OD: “Look, if you don’t like the job that I’m doing, give clearer instructions next time!” >_>;
Zygarde: “I. Told. You. To. KILL. Them!
:REEquaza:

OD: “... Not canonically, you didn’t, so good enough.”

"If you give me shelter and a home, I will aid you however I can. Is that a satisfactory deal?"

de7.png


The elaborate human slowly blinked slowly several times before rapidly nodding.

"We will accept your offer... But my warriors will keep an eye on you."

You have a couple of lingering bits of random characters that should be cleaned up a bit here. Though unless if these warriors were all just collectively putting up a shameful display and hiding in various parts of the scenery, it probably would’ve made sense to mention them massing and confronting OD earlier on its approach since that kinda feels like a decently important detail / event to bring up.

I looked to the "warrior" humans he spoke of. They were trembling. Everyone was looking at me with unease,

This would take some adjusting.

Elaborate Human: “Also, there’s some sort of ominous theme of doom playing in the background right now that you should take care of. It’s probably not helping your first impressions right now.” .-.
OD: “(... Wait, how on earth are you supposed to pronounce 'raTEoREkiSImeAra' anyways?) And… uh… it’ll sort itself out, I’m sure?” ^^;

I was in my own corner of the city, surrounded by more of these warriors. They were taking shifts watching me, but they all seemed scared. Almost as if they felt if I tried anything they couldn't stop me.

I mean, they’re almost certainly not wrong considering some of the Taos’ dex lore, so…

I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to make more of a statement regarding what OD’s present digs are at the moment and whether it finds it pleasing or offputting. Since if this story depicts the creation of Dragonspiral Tower or Relic Castle later on, it’s a chance to call forward to it.

I didn't feel like doing anything that needed stopping... but then I wasn't sure WHAT to do. I had made the deal with the humans but I wasn't sure how to enact i- make it wor-

I mean, the deal has already been enacted since he just made it with Mr. Elaborate in the last scene. OD’s more accurately worrying about one of either how to enforce it or make it work.

Just then I heard a roar, in the distance. The warriors looked to me, then to the source of the sound. They seemed confused that it wasn't me. Soon another warrior rushed up to them.

"T-there's a Scolipede trying to take over the farmland!"

OD: “... Is that bad?” :?
Warrior #1: “Yes, that’s bad!” >.<

"O-one of those? Why?"

"They're immensely territorial! It claimed the farms as its own!"

What was this beast? The humans needed help. But they wouldn't let me help...

...Then again they couldn't stop me.

OD:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKCuAJdvynU

Warriors:
:uhhh:

OD: “Oh come on, it’s catchy! Look, it’ll be two minutes to take care of this Scolipede, in and out. What’s the worst that could happen?”

I activated my tail turbine and lifted off as the warriors panicked, and I jetted off to where the other warrior had came from.

Well, that’s going to be one very dead Scolipede shortly.

OD: “... Wait, I didn’t make too much of a mess on the way out, right?” ^^;
- Cue a singed wooden roof in OD’s flight path right next to Schrodinger’s Habitation collapsing -
OD: “Eh, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
:gardeshrug~1:


When I arrived there was indeed a large, purple, insectoid Pokémon rampaging about. Several warriors and their Pokémon were trying to pierce its chitinous armor, to no avail. It was much bigger than the humans, that's for sure.

...But it was much smaller than me.

Scolipede: “... Why am I suddenly hearing drums and ominous chanting playing in the background right now?” .-.

I flew over to and landed right in front of it. It looked up but seemed unfazed. [ ]

"What do YOU want?"

Well, someone is doing his best to try and speedrun a Darwin Award right now. I do wonder if it’d have made more sense to dwell on the Scolipede’s reaction a bit more, since “dull surprise” is a bit different from “startled shock then recomposing oneself”. Since if OD is anywhere in the Taos’ neighborhood size-wise, it is massive compared to a Scolipede, and you’d think that’d trigger more of a reaction.

"I want you to stop bothering these humans."

"Why should I? This is MY turf."

"No it's not. As far as I can tell the humans were here first."

"Well it's mine now."

I narrowed my eyes. "Leave. Now."

I kinda wonder if this bit could’ve used more body language and reaction from the warriors that were (initially) around the Scolipede. Since if OD is very obviously whirring to life and preparing to deep fry this bug, you’d think they’d be busy noping out of the general vicinity.

The Scolipede scoffed. "Make me."

wedding-crashers-will-ferrell.gif


"If you insist."

I flicked him with a claw.

He went sailing back into a tree with a very loud thud and collapsed, unconscious.

Wow. That’s… shockingly restrained on OD’s part. I was expecting it to just summarily incinerate the Scolipede and call it a day.

Humans started gathering around, looking on in awe. Then they started cheering. It was only then I realized the magnitude enormity of what I'd done.

OD: “Wait, you mean it’s not normal to just casually flick Scolipede into trees like that?”
:joltyshrug~1:


Things changed after that rather quickly. Or, they did from my perspective anyway.

The humans, after that, regarded me as a protector. Not only that, they gave me authority. It wasn't much at first, I started as captain of the warriors, but as time went on and I helped the humans more and more I ascended, until I was to the right-hand mon of their rulers.

They called me Vahirom, or more commonly, the Iron Arbiter.

I take it that ‘Iron Arbiter’ is something related to Vahirom from Insurgence? Since admittedly, I wouldn’t have expected an Original Dragon to have Steel as a typing by reflex.

Though ‘Iron Arbiter’ is going to get very
:fearfullaugh~1:
in hindsight, I can already tell.

They adored me. And I grew to adore them. They cared for me and I cared for them back. And after time things changed. I learned how to alter my form to be like them.

It started simply, firstly with mimicking their speech. but Then I started to learn how to alter my physical form, this way and that way, until I had come to resemble them in my own way. It was at that point the Iron Arbiter was both a dragon Pokémon and a human.

Ah yes, the part where Vahirom picks up Masquerade Mode much like Legendaries in your setting do writ large.

IMO, that first sentence of your second paragraph is a bit long and would probably work better if cut into two pieces.

And someone my creator didn't like that at all.

IMO, don’t beat around the bush with “someone” there and just say “Zygarde” in some capacity, especially since it allows you to jump straight into Zygarde pronouns afterwards.

Zygarde:
glowing-eyes-death-glare.gif

OD: “L-Look, you just said to deal with them-!”
:eltyscared:

Zygarde: “I SAID TO KILL THEM!”
:REEquaza:

OD: “Th-That’s not what you said canonically, though!”
:uhhh:


One day they returned, while I was alone, sitting on the throne the humans built for me. I looked up into their glowing green eyes as they glared down into mine.

… Wait, is this happening in the same time and place as the above? Since I’m actually not sure whether or not it’d have worked better to drop in a scene break before this paragraph since something about this one feels like a decent jump from the last paragraph.

"What is THIS? This isn't what you were supposed to be doing! And why do you LOOK like them?" They stomped a foot on the ground.

… Wait, is Zygarde in 100 Percent Forme right now, or is he also in a masquerade at the moment? Since if it’s the former, how is the throne room or whatever for Vahirom not collapsed at the moment just from Zygarde barging in?

I sighed. "It is less intimidating to them than my natural draconic form. And why do YOU look like them? Don't you have forms that are oh so superior?"

Yeah, IMO that should’ve been communicated earlier, especially since I’m not sure how Vahirom reflexively could zero in on this being Zygarde versus “weirdo in a green and black outfit” given that unless I’m missing something, Vahirom has never encountered Zygarde moonlighting as a human in the past before this scene or been mentioned as having done so in passing.

They winced, and in an instant cells swirled around them to return them to a more traditional serpentine form. "Only Yes, to subvert them, to manipulate them. You do it for sick kicks! You were supposed to DESTROY them, not help them!"

Vahirom: “You could’ve made that clearer when giving me instructions, you know.”
:joltyshrug~1:

Zygarde: “I TOLD YOU TO-!
:seviAAAAAAAAAAA:

Vahirom: “Look, you’ve run that joke into the ground. Pick a new one already.”
:typhNOsion:


"There is no need to destroy them. They are flawed yes, but have kindness and charity in their hearts if you know where to find it. I seek to bring that out in them.

I kinda feel like this line would’ve had a bit more impact if Vahirom got to see this onscreen a bit more earlier by interacting with various humans and coming to this conclusion. Especially since it’d make the moment when its product Taos barbecue the region either later in this story, or after it canonically all the bigger of a gut punch.

"You're wrong! All humans are a sin against the natural order! MY order! They need to be purged!"

Vahirom:
oh-no-anyway.jpg

Zygarde: “I did not create you just so that way you could give me this sort of back-sass!”
:hissssss:


[ ]

"Your view is dangerous. And I will not have you threaten my people."

I grew and stretched and bent into my true, draconic form.

IMO, if you show Vahirom get more explicitly upset in terms of body language and the like and get a bit more pointed with his rebuttal to Zygarde, it’d better lean into the “big dragon is pissed and ready to go to bat for his beloved squishy apes” vibe.

e.x. “That’s disgusting. I won’t help you keep an ‘order’ like that, and I won’t sit here while you threaten my people.”

Some food for thought there.

"You may have given me life, but I am not yours. They are not yours, either. Leave, or I will force you to."

Zygarde hesitated, then let out a long, pronounced hisss before disintegrating into cells and vanishing.

I sighed again, then resumed my post.

I’m honestly surprised that Zygarde just backed down like that given that he vibed as being really, really pissed and didn’t come off as the type to just let a creation go rogue like that. I’m assuming this happened since Zygarde didn’t want to have to give awkward explanations to the rest of the Legendaries about why there’s a new god just chilling around in Unova which a big apocalyptic battle would almost certainly bring on, but that’s not communicated at all right now.

Decades passed, that which turned into centuries. I saw many humans and their Pokémon come and go, and cherished them all dearly while they lasted.

But then one day two were born that would change my life forever, for better and for worse.

… Oh, so we are going to see Unova get barbecued onscreen in this story.
:fearfullaugh~1:


They were twins, born to the current queen and king. They were shown to me soon after they were born. They were lumpy and chubby as human babies were but they had fire and lightning in their eyes from the start.

And thus their parents named them Tentay and Pethakhon, Ancient Unova's words for fire and lightning. As usual, I was assigned to be their guardian. I did not realize then how special they would be to me - and how that would be my downfall.

At first I was going to ask where on earth those names came from, but Lenape words, huh? I vaguely remember you workshopping these way, way back when, and I can’t say it’s not a fitting casting for the neighborhood.

The children grew quickly. Their tiny grasping hands grew inquisitive, groping for anything they could reach. At first, I let them pull and tug at my human form, but as they grew older and nimbler I allowed them to play on my dragon form as well.

Vahirom tried to go to them in dragon form at first and got tail tugged or something like that, didn’t it? :V

Eventually they started to talk.

"Say mama!" "Say dada!" their parents clamored. But every time they both pointed at me and said "va va!"

They didn't care. They just laughed.

Wow, Vahirom really is close to ye olde timey kingdom and its leadership if he’s just a part of the family like this.

When they got old enough to learn, I was their teacher. I taught them.... Well, not everything I knew, I was too ancient and powerful for that, but I tried to teach them a good amount. And I definitely tried to answer their many questions.

This is another part which kinda felt like a decent jump scenewise. Enough to the point where I was starting to wonder why there wasn’t a hard scene break.

"How old are you?" asked Tentay.

"Older than you can comprehend."

"What's your favorite food?" asked Pethakhon.

"I do love corn cakes."

"Do your parents let you stay up past bedtime?" asked Tentay.

I had to pause and think about that one. My only "parents" were Zygarde and the stars, so...

"I don't listen to my parents. I do what I want."

Ah yes, the 11 words that ultimately destroyed a region. Though I kinda wonder if there should’ve been more description and body language throughout this entire sequence, since this is effectively Tentay and Pethakhon’s first scene as distinct characters, but it’s a bit hard to get a read on them or their mannerisms thus far.

Like I get from their naming that Tentay is almost certainly going to become the Hero of Truth while Pethakhon will become the Hero of Ideals, but it’d still be nice to get that played up a bit more from little things like their actions and the stuff they do that would hint at what their ultimate destination.

The twins gasped and looked at each other eagerly.

"You can DO that?" they said.

I chuckled. "I can. You probably shouldn't until you get older."

The two visibly deflated.

This… really was the moment that ultimately doomed Unova to be destroyed, wasn’t it?

"Not fair..." said Pethakhon.

"I guess we have to listen..." said Tentay.

"No way! We can't!" said Pethakhon.

"But we gotta! Or we'll get in trouble!"

"Nuh-uh! We can do it!

I chuckled. By all means this was amusing.

:fearfullaugh~1:


Oh, trust me, Vahi. You are going to find this a lot less funny by the end of the story. Though this is another moment where I think more body language would benefit this sequence, especially for foreshadowing that one of these days, these two aren’t just going to settle for “nuh-uh” and “ya-huh” for their arguments.

And yet. Something deep inside felt off.

See, even you sense it, too.

It came suddenly, swiftly.

The king and queen fell ill, from a terrible disease. They were isolated, only taken care of by a select few.

It was too little, too late.

Oh boy, a succession crisis. Well, you can’t say that it’s not on brand for this sort of stuff to lead to spectacular, destructive stupidity in history.
:fearfullaugh~1:


A grand funeral was held, several ceremonies, a feast, a fitting sendoff. But none of it filled the hole in all our hearts.

Especially not the twins'.

Okay, if the region wasn’t doomed to get barbecued as of last scene, it’s especially doomed now, since exactly nothing about this seems healthy.

I visited their room afterwards. They were huddled in a corner together, curled up, sitting only a few inches apart. In human form to fit in the room, I pulled them into an embrace.

Unless if Vahirom is doing something like entering and poking his head as the giant fusion dragon through the doorway and then going into Human Mode, is there a reason why that detail is mentioned so late into the paragraph? Just feels a little strange to me in terms of placement.

"I know better than to say it's alright, but... I am here for you."

I mean, it’s marginally less cursed than “From now on, I'll protect you. I'll keep you safe, always”, but yeah. I can already tell that this line isn’t going to read the same by the end of this one-shot.

"But... Mom and dad... They're gone forever," said Tentay.

"They're never coming back... What's gonna happen to us?" said Pethakhon.

You’ll get to kick off a spectacular lightshow with fire, lightning, and enough ash in the sky to block out the sun. Given a decade or four.

I sighed. "I have seen many leave forever just as they did. I can escape it, it is both a gift and a curse, but for your kind it is inevitable.

[ ]

But it is not truly the end. You two will grow to be great, and your children, and your children's children, and so on. I assure you of this. You can pick up the pieces and carry on in their stead. They would want you to."

This feels like one of those moments that would work better broken up to show a reaction in between or something like that, since that is a lot for Vahirom to say in one breath without skipping a beat.

"...Okay, Va." said Pethakon.

"...I guess so, Va," said Tentay.

They nestled into my arms further. I patted their heads.

We stayed that way a while.

Aww, how cute. Let’s see if this cuteness lasts past the next scene. ^^;

The two started to near adulthood for their kind, and thus I started teaching them how to rule.

tomoko-kuroki-wata-mote.gif


I’m not sure that’s a great idea coming from a being that has a radically different conception of time, power, and restraint than human parents. Especially if Vahirom ever had issues in the past with holding back.

~Now, you two, I have a question.~

They both shifted in their seats in the courtyard we were in. Teenagers were always antsy about being taught. Especially when their teacher was an ancient and powerful dragon.

~Say that there is a famine. What are your main options for dealing with such a thing?~

"Simple," said Tentay. "You spend the royal budget on improving the crops."

Vahirom: ~... Tentay, the scenario is that it’s a famine. What crops are there to improve?~
:eltywtf:

Tentay: “The ones with stored grain since only an idiot would not maintain a food reserve for moments just like these?”
:joltyshrug~1:


~Ah, but such a solution would be expensive... And could be unsustainable."~

"Then we improve the harvest infrastructure over time!" said Pethakhon enthusiastically.

~Yet that could take a long time. Too long. People could starve.~

Vahirom: ~Seriously, who on earth ever taught you two crisis management if you’re just perpetually focused on the future?~ >_>;
- Beat moment -
Vahirom: ~... Right. I did.~ ._.

"Well my method is clearly better!" said Tentay. "It gets more immediate results!"

"You're wrong!" said Pethakhon. "MY plan won't doom us all later!"

"It MIGHT not. It will definitely make people starve."

"We have to consider the future!"

"The future is NOW, Pethakhon."

"Moron!"

"Imbecile!"

I kinda just realized that since like the opening paragraph, there’s been effectively no description at all here. You probably want to consider dropping some combination of describing the scenery, the twins’ reaction, and Vahirom’s reaction and internal thought process in order to break things up a bit more to make things easier to follow for dialogue.

The two continued arguing like this until they finally noticed me waggling a claw mockingly.

~Now now now. Have you considered these solutions aren't mutually exclusive?~

Twins: “... They aren’t?”
:joltyshrug~1:

- Vahirom facepalms -
Vahirom: ~Clearly we have some other lessons we need to address in the near future.~ >_>;

The two of them stared at me. Then started sheepishly rubbing their heads.

"You have a point..." said Tentay.

"That could work.." said Pethakhon.

~See?" I said. "If you work against each other nothing gets done. But if you work together...~

"Yes, we understand the moral, well done," said Pethakhon.

"Why must we learn things we know already?" said Tentay.

Because all three of you aren’t going internalize this moral and terrible things will happen because of it.

~Because with you two it bears repeating.~

That too.

The two blinked and staredbefore rubbing their heads sheepishly again.

"...You have a point," said Tentay.

"We'll. We'll work on it.." said Pethakhon.

I simply smirked.

Again, this just screams “this is going to be significantly less funny by the end of the story” there.
:fearfullaugh~1:


They quickly became adults, true kings of Unova, and soon their first test was upon them. The ruler of a desert kingdom smack dab in the middle of Unova was a Volcarona by the name of Heliana. She was called before them for a diplomatic meeting, and we all assembled on the border between the desert and greener land.

“Heliana”, huh? A play off of “Helios”, or is there another story behind it?

"Why hello there!" said Heliana, floating before us.

Tentay and Pethakhon stared blankly, then turned to me, each whispering.

"She, uh, is a little hard to--" Pethakhon started to say.

"She's a Pokémon, but she can't speak telepathically, so we can't understand her," said Tentay.

"...That." said Pethakhon.

IMO, this is one of those moments where it might make sense to play up the language barrier a bit more by elaborating on Vahirom and the twins’ reactions a bit more. Since for Vahirom, this is Tuesday, while for the kids, they just heard a bunch of giant moth noises.

I chuckled. ~Don't worry, I can translate. She just says hi.~

The two nodded and turned back to Heliana.

"Right, hello," said Pethakhon.

"Shall we get down to business?" said Tentay.

Tentay: “(Vahi, seriously? Why are we not just letting you handle this when we look like total idiots staring blankly after every time this moth speaks?)” >_>;
Pethakhon: “(Seriously, Tentay? You’re not even going to make an attempt?)” :|
Tentay: “(Well excuse me for being grounded in reality here!)”

"Oh, yes, yes!" said Heliana. "There was a matter of grave importance I wished to speak of with you! It was... Oh, hm, what was it..."

"She isn't very professional," Tentay whispered.

"Shhh!" said Pethakhon, nudging him.

… Wait, how is Vahirom translating such that Tentay and Pethakhon can pick up on Heliana not being professional? Since if Vahi’s doing “she says [X]”-style translations, wouldn’t Vahi logically just mention “she says that there’s something important she needed to talk with you about” which would make the whole scatterbrained moment go over the twins’ heads.

It might’ve made sense to give a bit more clarity regarding how Vahi is translating, or else play up Heliana’s body language such that the twins can tell she’s scatterbrained without being able to understand everything she says.

"Oh! I remember now! It was wood!" said Heliana.

"Wood?" said Pethakhon.

"My kingdom doesn't exactly have many trees," said Heliana. "I want cedar in particular! I'll offer you our finest textiles and minerals in return!"

Tentay: “... And you’re not just using stone and mudbrick like a normal desert civilization why?
:joltyshrug~1:

Pethakhon: “(Tentay, let her speak!)” >_>;

[ ]
"Hmmm. But we need the cedar for-"

"Shhh!" said Pethakhon. "She's making us a great offer!"

"More like a ridiculous one. We can't give her all that cedar!"

"But we need the minerals and textiles!"

IMO, you probably want to have some description here for if nothing else, to transition into the twins thinking and mulling over the offer they got a bit before jumping into their bickering.
Vahirom: “… Yeah, in retrospect, I should’ve arranged for diplomatic negotiations to go through me, since I can already tell this is going to be a massive disaster.”
:gardexhausted:


"She hasn't even specified WHAT minerals and textiles! Think before you leap!"

"Well ask her!"

"Fine!"

Heliana: “... Is this normal for diplomatic proceedings in this land?”
:wtfuckle:

Vahirom: “(Yeah, I’m just gonna not translate that one.) Look, the kids are… still practicing at this whole ‘diplomacy’ thing.” >_>;

Tentay took a deep breath and looked Heliana straight in the compound eyes. "You're being awfully vague about what those "minerals" and "textiles" are... Could you be more specific?"

"Oh! Lots of iron, copper... and Silk! Me and my babies spun the silk ourselves!"

Twins:
:squirpuke:

Heliana: “Well, where did you think we got our silk?” ^^;

"Wait, the silk comes from-" Tentay started to say.

"Sounds great!" said Pethakhon. We'll-"

Huh, didn’t peg the twins splitting on their reaction to the “spun the silk ourselves” line, but I guess it’s thematically appropriate since those two wind up at each other’s throats later on.

"No. We need that cedar."

~Now now you two.~ I said. ~Put your heads together. Your wants and needs aren't mutually exclusive.~

Heliana: “... You realize that I can hear all of this happening in live-time, right?”
:what:

Vahirom: “Again, they’re learning.” >_>;

They stared. And blinked. And... Well they didn't literally put their heads together but they did start mutually putting their hands to their chins thinking.

"There's some places we could grow... Cedar groves?" said Tentay.

"Yes! And we could loan those groves out to you!" said Pethakhon.

"They would take a while to grow normally but our Grass-types can make them grow faster!" said Tentay.

"Excellent!" said Heliana. "It's a deal! And Hekla and Katla will get started on the silk straight away!"

I’m actually shocked that these two didn’t just blow up the negotiations with their bickering as an ominous sign for the future.

"Hekla and Katla?" said Pethakhon.

"Who?" said Tentay.

It was then two Larvesta emerged from Heliana's fuzz and divetackled Tentay and Pethakhon each with cries of "Friend! Friend! Friend!"

"My children!" said Heliana. "They spin the finest silk in all the land!"

Tentay: “I did not need to know that, thanks. And how many kids do you even have anyways?!”
:grohno~1:

Heliana: “I lost count after the first hundred, really. Comes with the territory as a giant moth.” ^^;

"Well they sure are cute," said Pethakhon, holding up Hekla to get a good look at her.

"Easy little one," said Tentay, cradling Katla.

I just smiled.

One of those two is going to turn out to be the Volcarona that served as the artificial sun for Unova, huh?

I was in my throne room, and human again. I was alone, and it was quiet... until I heard a telltale slithering again.

"...Hello Zygarde."

Vahirom: “Oh my gods, seriously? Do you not have anything better to do right now?”
:gardexhausted:


The serpent congealed in a flash from their cells before me. [ ]

"You're still doing this. Why are you still doing this?"

[ ]

"These people appreciate my help. And they are clearly better in my hands than yours."

IMO this would’ve worked a bit better with more reaction from Zygarde and Vahi, since it better sets the mood and tenor of this meeting. Especially if Zygarde or Vahi is meant to be very agitated at the moment.

The snake writhed, their form rippling. [ ]

"Look, if you can't stop yourself from messing MY order up, I will."

I scoffed. "How?"

"You're awfully fond of those two humans, aren't you?"

Wow, I mean, I’m not exactly a stranger to Zygarde acting like assholes, but this guy certainly takes the cake there given that I can already tell where this train of thought is going. Though it feels like you’re missing a bit of description of what Zygarde’s up to, since he’s firmly in “I’m done playing games, Vahi” mode, but that sense of menace doesn’t really come through in the prose at the moment.

My eyes widened. I clenched my fingers on my seat.

"...Petty threats will get you nowhere."

[ ]

"Oooh, I struck a nerve, didn't I? Don't worry, I won't do anything to them... Physically anyway. Unless you try to warn them, that is, in which case I can always arrange an accident...."

Vahi, seriously, just deep fry this guy and let Arceus whip up a new Zygarde. Or at least give it the good old-fashioned college try.

Though IMO it’d have been nice to see Zygarde’s reaction before going full smug “oh, so you do care about them.

I shifted to dragon form, knocking several things over in the process. "What are you planning, Zygarde?"

"How does the saying go, something something for me to know and you to find out?"

I roared and slashed at them with a claw, but before I made contact they scattered into cells and disappeared from whence they came. Guards rushed into the room shortly after.

Should’ve fried him when you had the chance, Vahi.

"Arbiter! Is everything all right?"

I panted heavily, looking at where Zygarde had gone, before turning to the guard.

~It's... It's fine. Just spooked by a shadow.~

Oh, so Vahi can lie in this setting. I’ll admit that I did a double-take given how Truth-y one of its later progeny is, but I suppose it would that a combined being that isn’t one or the other extreme not being encumbered by the limitations of any component part is a take that can make sense.

Wouldn’t have been my reflexive assumption at first.

From there it became apparent something was very quickly going wrong.

It started small at first. The brothers being more snippy with each other than they were before. But it soon blew up into full-on arguments, and everything I had raised them to do was falling apart before my eyes.

I knew exactly why.

Oh, so Zygarde is influencing the twins to do the job that Vahi refuses to do for him.

I stalked the halls of the castle until I found a hound, ducking and weaving through the corridors.

"You!"

The hound stopped, looking smug. "What is it?"

Vahirom: “Wipe that stupid grin off your face! You’ve been pitting the twins against each other!”
:unimpressed:

Zygarde: “No, they’ve been doing a fantastic job of that of their own. All I’ve been doing is confirming their pre-existing biases.”

"What are you doing to them?"

"Oh nothing much. A lie about one here, a rumor about the other there, did you realize exactly how easy it is to turn them against each other?"

Vahirom: “That’s a hell of a lot more than just confirming pre-existing biases!” [angryzard]
Zygarde: “Nobody said I was truthful while confirming those biases. Though really, this is more an indictment on your parenting skills, Vahi.”
:gardeshrug~1:


"How... How dare you!"

I fired a metallic burst, a small-scale version of my Origin Flare, but they were already gone, and the brilliant beams of light only sank into the corridor, reducing chunks of it to rubble.

His what now? I assume that this is something from Insurgence, but we’ve never seen Vahi use this at all in the story up to this point, so it feels a little jarring to see it abruptly get namedropped when at this point of writing my review, there were like 2 pages of story left in this one-shot.

It was then I panicked. As long as Zygarde could keep spreading their lies...

...There was nothing I could do.

This is all some elaborate gambit to get Vahi to split itself, isn’t it? Since I can see that bit about “spreading lies”, and the most powerful disinfectant against that is truth, so…

Soon enough came a day that would come down in history as a fateful one.

The two of them were having a particularly heated, particularly philosophical argument about the future of the kingdom. Said argument was happening in the throne room, right in front of me, a dragon silently watching as their two human charges escalated to potential civil war right before their eyes.

Vahirom: “... I really should’ve invested in a court bard that knew Sing to quell these two in moments like this.”
:grohno~1:


"Do you really think your deluded visions would ever lead this kingdom to greatness?" said Tentay, "Your ideals will only bring ruin!"

"Your plan is built on a flawed foundation," said Pethakhon, "and faulty delusions of truth!"

Tentay: “Well excuse me for having a proper read of reality here!”
:typhNOsion:

Pethakhon: “Oh, and like having a wish for a better future for this kingdom is such a crime!”
:seviAAAAAAAAAAA:

Vahirom: “... Starting to think Zygarde may have had a point about my parenting if the kids are getting into localization gags this late in life.”
:gardexhausted:


It was becoming all too clear for me.

They would not reconcile this time.

I would have to choose one.

Oh hey, I have theme music for this, especially considering how I’m pretty sure I know where this is going to go:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbTf3moH72s


Though it… wasn’t clear at all that Vahi was backed into a corner here. It might have had more impact if the twins turned to it and flatly demanded that Vahi pick one or the other.

...But I couldn't.

I couldn't possibly-

This felt a tad rushed, since taking some time to linger on Vahi having some inner turmoil over “b-but I love him” for both of the twins respectively I think would’ve made this moment a lot more knife-twisty.

One side of me wanted one. Another wanted the other.

But I couldn't choose.

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn-

CRACK

- Meanwhile from the doorway -
Zygarde:
keikaku.jpg


When I awoke, I could not move. I had reverted to the God Stone I used to sleep as and could not get out.

Wait, the what now? I had to look this up on Bulbapedia and it turned out to be a dummied-out key item from Gen 5, but this is another thing that was similarly never depicted in the story up to the point, since we’ve never seen this God Stone before aside from potentially the very, very beginning of the story when Vahi was being fashioned from a Meteonite.

I might be a touch out of the loop here, but I could’ve sworn that the very existence of a God Stone is not reflexive knowledge across the fandom, so this definitely feels like something that should’ve gotten more buildup prior to this late in the story.

But I could see everything. I could see Tentay and Pethakhon beholding two dragons that I quickly realized had split off from me, by sheer will to leave neither one behind. I could also see I had rolled off to the side, where no one could see me.

But if those two pieces of me were out there... What was the rest of me doing in here?

Oh, so this is Kyurem’s perspective we’re seeing this from.

As I wondered this I witnessed the argument between the two brothers escalate further, and eventually they stormed out of the room.

Time passed. Day turned into night. Then the serpent came.

Zygarde: “Great job there, by the way.” :^)

"Well well well, that was an entertaining show. I knew your powers were unstable but I never expected them to do THAT. Oh well, it works out for me plenty - those two idiots you were so protective of will decimate humanity by their actions, and those bits of you that spawned for them will only help.

>Achieve 0 Audience Sympathy - any% speedrun (TAS)

I wriggled in my prison, trying desperately to escape and put Zygarde in their place. They noticed and chuckled.

Zygarde: “Really now, you’re like a decade late for that Vahirom.”
- Zygarde comes and pokes the God Stone -
Zygarde: “Though I suppose that name’s a bit out of date. We’ll need to come up with something a bit more fitting for your present state, hm?”

"Oh how foolish. Don't try too hard to escape dear. You don't know what schisming off so much of your power has done to you."

Their form rippled.

"And besides. It's too late for you. I've already won."

I mean, Kyurem could’ve gone off and attempted to forcibly reintegrate Zek and Resh via Absofusion, but… yeah, the snake’s not wrong here.

He gave a hearty, echoing laugh as he dissipated into cells and disappeared.

Surprised that there’s no reaction from Kyurem to all of this, even if it’s an impotent “No! Get back here!” since Zygarde’s basically just stopped to antagonize him/her for evuls.

Throughout the night, I continued to wriggle and squirm. I HAD to fix this, I HAD to prove Zygarde wrong, I HAD to-

Again:

de7.png


And then I broke free.

And then I felt it.

I could tell I was not the being I used to be. I felt weak. I felt empty. There was a gnawing hunger and emptiness at the bottom of my soul that I could not overcome.

Kyurem: “W-What? B-But my body- I-It wasn’t like-”
:uhhh:


I staggered through the hallways of the castle, in confusion and pain, when I came upon two guards, who recoiled at my approach.

"H-Halt! What monstrous kind of P-Pokémon are you?" said one.

♫ “How do you do the things you do-?” ♫

What, bad time?

I looked at that guard. And I hungered. The emptiness gnawed at me as I yearned for something to fill it.

I lunged.

The other guard screamed as my fangs sunk into his compatriot. I started devouring him, purely by instinct, rending flesh from bones.

Err, yeah. Bad time. That went places quickly. .-.

I see you’re tying the Lacunosa myth into Kyurem’s backstory here, though I didn’t really get any vibe that Kyurem was hungry earlier, since that’s a fairly distinct sensation than just emptiness.

Also, if Kyurem is empty/hungry enough to attack and eat the first thing s/he encounters, it presumably would’ve messed with his/her thought process to the point where s/he might not have realized that that was a guard s/he just ran into and ate right away.

"M-Monster! Monster!"

It was then I snapped back to my senses and realized exactly what I was doing.

I tried to say, "Wait, no, you don't understand!" but all it came out as was staticky buzzing. Then the guard fled.

Also, you’re dripping the viscera of his colleague while you’re speaking right now, Kyurem.

Overwhelmed with grief, shock, and horror, it was then I did the same, leaving the tall pyramid castle I had called my home for centuries and never turning back.

… I know that this is getting a bit broken record, but when exactly was this mentioned again? Since this is a pretty big detail about the place Vahirom lived in that I legitimately did not remember seeing prior to this point.

I holed up in the crater I had first crash-landed in from there on out, never emerging. Still, I saw many things.

I saw Unova burnt by a deluge of fire and electricity.

Zygarde:
i-win-yzma.gif


I saw Unova rebuild, become more technologically advanced, more close to their Pokémon, then further away, then closer again.

I saw people settle the area where I lived, and grow to fear me as others had.

I mean, you going out for midnight munchies every now and then probably didn’t help on that front, Kyurem.

I saw one bit of kindness from a boy from those people.

… I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be Hilbert, N, or Rosencrantz and Guildenstern there. It might make sense to give more detail there, especially since this story casually refers to details that are shared with other stories that you’ve written.

I saw the white dragon that split from me return, join with me once more, filling my emptiness but causing her unbearable pain that racked me with guilt.

Oh, so Kyurem had some level of free will in your version of events of W2 as opposed to just going “Ghetsis mind-controlled that merger”. Though considering what I remember of how Reshiram took that from Green and White... yeah.

Not that I’d expect either of the other Taos to take it well if / when they find out that the entire reason they exist was because Zygarde needed mercurial idiots to carry out a genocide for him without getting him in hot water with his peers.

I saw all this, but one thing remained the same, for the most part.

I was alone. And I was unsure if that would ever truly change.

So all I could do was mourn all I had lost.

:SadWott:


Well that’s a downer ending there. Kyurem doesn’t even get a W2 protagonist to chum it up with after the whole Plasma Frigate episode?

Though onto the postmortem of this thing:

Okay, to start with for what I felt this story had going for it, but I thought that it did a decent job at weaving together a lot of features of your worldbuilding, and in a fashion that grounded it better than what I recalled of HAA’s early chapters. There weren’t any moments were I was just “waaaaait, what’s that again” like I was with ‘After Skybreak’ in HAA’s Chapter 1. All the concepts in this story got explained enough to be understandable, even if some of them were a bit after the fact.

Another strong suit I think your story has going for it is that its characterization is fairly memorable. Your Zygarde is a mission-focused asshole who’s not a people person to say the least, and he definitely leaves an impression from how conniving he can be in the quest for Order™. The whole arc seeing Vahirom take on a life of its own apart from its created purpose which then progressively comes was pretty engaging, which made the ultimate destination all the more of a gut punch. Since hey, even if I knew where thing were going, the end made me a bit misty-eyed, so as a piece designed to show the origin story of Kyurem as a tragic monster, this story did its job.

As for the critiques, while the full writeup has more of the gory details, there’s a few general problems that I saw. The easy fix is that you had a number of little typos here and there. They weren’t super distracting, but you should make a point of stepping through your story at some point to weed them out since some of them go beyond simple misspellings and get into the realm of random characters lying about that I’m pretty sure are an artifact of notes from an earlier drafting phase.

There are also two structural issues that I feel this story has that aren’t quite easy fixes. The first of those issues is that the story as a whole feels pretty compressed. Some of that is from cut-down description, but some of it is also from parts of the story feeling like they were glossed over entirely that cut out build-up that would’ve had more punch. You could’ve easily made a story two or three times as long as the present product just by stopping to smell the proverbial roses a bit more. The entire process of Vahirom growing close to his adoptive humans and them growing close to it in my opinion is the main area where this compression stands out, since all of that basically happens in the span of a few paragraphs, while if you had devoted a couple scenes here and there to actually showing that, it’d make scenes like its confrontations with Zygarde and Vahi’s post-fission spiral more impactful since we’d get to see Vahi building up its bonds more, and as such it’d mean more seeing it get defensive over them, or break them.

The other big structural issue that I see with this story is a general trend of “detail gets mentioned very late in the story and never depicted earlier”. The most prominent examples of this that I can think of offhand are the mention of the God Stone and Vahi/Kyu sleeping in it, which was never depicted earlier in the story, and the mention of Vahirom’s castle being pyramidal, which was also never mentioned earlier in the story. Like I get that some of that might be an artifact of this story taking lore from Insurgence, but recall that your readers won’t necessarily have the benefit of context going in, so you need to make a point of providing enough for showing off these little neat lore things such that it doesn’t feel like “why is this coming up now?”

Though… yeah, some of those are a bit time and effort-intensive to address, so I won’t fault you for opting to just call it a day and accept your story as-is. To its credit, even with its flaws, it was a genuinely enjoyable read and had a lot of imagination behind it. You’ve put forward some fun characters to follow here, @Umbramatic , and I’ll be looking forward to seeing you do more with them. Since… yeah, your ice drake could really use a happy ending after going through all of that.

Good luck with your writing, and hope the feedback helped! ^^
 
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