Spiteful Murkrow
Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
- Partners
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Heya, I worked my way down my hitlist of people to review today and decided to give one of your works a spin in return for your generous review of Once a Thief this year. I know you’ve been fairly adamant that you’re not a fan of line-by-line reviews in other parts on the net, so took a bit of a leap of faith and went a bit out of my comfort zone for this review to try and accommodate those preferences. So if you find it a bit weird compared to my normal reviews, apologies in advance:
Chapter 1
By and large, the opening chapter does a good job at setting the stage for characterization. Jyararanga is the scary, outwardly brutish type who seems to have good reasons for snatching Ariala, while Rune and Diantha are cute and plucky. Their characterizations are by and large pretty believable, even if I do wonder if they talked themselves into believing that their “dad” was a kidnapper kinda fast instead of settling on a more neutral rationalization for why their dad would snatch a Pokémon from an enemy kingdom against her will. Ariala I had a bit of a harder time getting a read on as a character since she was basically in a cringing nervous panic for most of her screentime, so I can’t tell if that’s a representative vibe for her as a character or not. I suppose that that’s something to keep an eye on for the future.
Most of the general points of critique I’d have for this chapter are things you asked not to hear about and you consider this story complete. But I do still have a few points of critique for the event that you ever decide to touch this story up further. First and foremost, I kinda wish we got to see a bit more of the surrounding world or have it hinted at, like there’s a passing mention of a Fairy Kingdom in the sky but it felt a little hard to ground things for what the setting was like. Though then again, maybe future chapters will pick up the slack there. Secondly, it might have made sense to explain a bit more in your introductory post as to how this work relates to others, since I’m pretty sure that Rune and Diantha also appear in other stories you write, but I’m not sure how they interrelate with one another and if I need any additional context to understand this story going into it.
Chapter 2
Well, we didn’t have to wait long at all to find out about this world. Airships, huh? You’re giving me some old-school Final Fantasy vibes here. Also, the fairies apparently have Tapus as their patron deities. Filling that one away for later. I do kinda wonder if the significance of why Pokémon are wielding weapons ought to have been elaborated on a bit more either in this chapter or the one before. IIRC from what you’ve said about your stories’ setting in the past, something happened to make Pokémon unable to attack with their normal elemental attacks or something like that, but that’s not acknowledged at all here and I wouldn’t have known what was going on for why Pokémon were using stuff like swords instead of normal attacks without that meta knowledge. The elemental super weapon just lying around was also neat and seems to be playing up the more magical side of this FF-style setting. I do wonder if it’d have worked better with some form of foreshadowing since it feels a bit weird to get something this big dropped on us out of the blue narratively.
Things kinda went from 0-100 in this chapter. Some of it in ways that felt well-executed, while others I wasn’t as sure about. The moment when Jyararanga shows up to bail out Rune and Diantha from the fairy soldiers just casually cleaves one of them in two was definitely a nice reminder of why the 15+ rating is in the preamble, and to add a cold splash of water in the faces of our young, strapping protagonists that they live in a dangerous world where sometimes ugly things will happen. That said, some other things felt like they could’ve been telegraphed a bit more. The transition into the ruined temple comes to mind since it felt really abrupt and like it might have worked better with more buildup in chapter 1 or more acknowledgment of the “wait, we *have* one of these in the castle” moments.
On the characterization side, I thought that things were a bit of a mixed bag. Rune and Diantha did a good job reminding us that at the end of the day they’re relatively young siblings with that argument between them and show off their sheltered background given that their immediate response to being approached by armed fairies is essentially “halt there, evildoers!”. At the same time, I’m not sure if I buy how quickly Rune and Diantha come around to buying the resulting bloodbath as being needless since the Fairies were very much the aggressors in this skirmish, already injured Rune, and didn’t exactly make any attempts at a peaceful resolution. Like I get that Jyararanga wasn’t going to bring up the whole “I need Clefairy to save the world” thing the gang isn’t used to seeing a bunch of Pokémon have their insides turned into their outsides in front of them and that it’s shocking and traumatic, especially for Ariala, but I think the logic was missing a step there. Or at least up until the part where Jyararanga blows the fleeing airship out of the air. That feels like a pretty definitive point for “dad, you didn’t need to do that” even with Rune and Diantha’s upbringing
There’s a couple moments that feel like they’re building to stuff in the future, even if we didn’t really get a chance to see what they looked like in this chapter. First off was the part where Diantha gets souped up with unnatural wind magic or something, which I suppose would explain the warning signs going up to the ruined temple. Though she’s clearly seemed to be taking the change well™ in the aftermath of things. There was also Rune getting a bit restless in the wake of the whole “Diantha getting impaled” moment and Jyararanga harshly slapping him down. Like as much of a jerk Jyanraranga was being, especially with just casually throwing that bit about questioning whether or not he should’ve adopted the two out there, he kinda had a point. Can’t tell if he’s being built up to be a villain or else someone who’s more morally gray given that he kidnapped a princess, but apparently did it because the fate of the world was in the balance.
Also, I had a hard time getting a read on Ariala’s personality again. Since she kinda fades out towards the end. There was something that seemed like it was trimmed by accident from the “someone he loved” part, since there’s no mention of either Jyararanga or Diantha being injured until afterwards when the shadow monster thingy is impaling Diantha. Perhaps she was meant to have a moment there that accidentally got edited out?
Chapter 3
And we open things up with a timeskip of… 10 years, huh? That’s definitely quite the jump ahead. It felt a bit sudden since we didn’t really get any resolution with whatever was going on Jyararanga and Ariala back in Chapter 2. I think the idea was that she got away with the attacking fairies? But I honestly couldn’t tell from the narration that was provided which would make for the morbid possibility that she’s just around here in Jyararanga chilling in a tower like Rapunzel.
We get a few odds and ends filled in this chapter for what on earth went down 10 years ago and what went down since. The shadowblob thingy that impaled Diantha was a Shadow Pokémon, which is apparently bad news… for some reason. And Jyararanga went to Faeria for diplomacy to arrange an alliance by marriage with Ariala. I wasn’t expecting that one. Age must’ve taken the edge off him, even if I’m a bit surprised that Faeria would honor that request since… the whole kidnapping thing and all that, but I suppose staring down a planet-wide catastrophe helps put things into perspective.
Characterization-wise, everyone’s really different this chapter. Which I suppose is realistic after 10 years of changes, even if something about the present and past personalities feels a little disconnected. Like Jyararanga has mellowed with age, Rune has grown more duty-minded, and Diantha has gone into an overtly feminine phase, which I suppose aren’t unreasonable destinations for where they would’ve wound up after 10 years, but given how we were just barely getting to know them in the past two, I wonder if the dynamic would’ve worked better with more callbacks to the way things were to provide a sense of continuity. Though then again, I suppose that could just be a function of “keep reading ahead”, since Diantha apparently picked up magic powers from the whole shadowblob episode and with that ominous sly giggling at the end, it seems like some of those changes she went through might not necessarily have been net positives.
In general, I thought that this story showed some decent promise especially with its really interesting hook, though things were a bit uneven, to the point that I question whether or not I’d have enjoyed it as much reading it without meta foreknowledge. Though I suppose that as a finished work, it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie and learn from the past for future endeavors.
I don’t know how much more of this story I’ll be reading from this point on, but you did catch my eye with the setting @HaruMiju . I suppose that’s a sign to come back and re-visit it in another story with a bit more polish sometime in the future.
Chapter 1
By and large, the opening chapter does a good job at setting the stage for characterization. Jyararanga is the scary, outwardly brutish type who seems to have good reasons for snatching Ariala, while Rune and Diantha are cute and plucky. Their characterizations are by and large pretty believable, even if I do wonder if they talked themselves into believing that their “dad” was a kidnapper kinda fast instead of settling on a more neutral rationalization for why their dad would snatch a Pokémon from an enemy kingdom against her will. Ariala I had a bit of a harder time getting a read on as a character since she was basically in a cringing nervous panic for most of her screentime, so I can’t tell if that’s a representative vibe for her as a character or not. I suppose that that’s something to keep an eye on for the future.
Most of the general points of critique I’d have for this chapter are things you asked not to hear about and you consider this story complete. But I do still have a few points of critique for the event that you ever decide to touch this story up further. First and foremost, I kinda wish we got to see a bit more of the surrounding world or have it hinted at, like there’s a passing mention of a Fairy Kingdom in the sky but it felt a little hard to ground things for what the setting was like. Though then again, maybe future chapters will pick up the slack there. Secondly, it might have made sense to explain a bit more in your introductory post as to how this work relates to others, since I’m pretty sure that Rune and Diantha also appear in other stories you write, but I’m not sure how they interrelate with one another and if I need any additional context to understand this story going into it.
Chapter 2
Well, we didn’t have to wait long at all to find out about this world. Airships, huh? You’re giving me some old-school Final Fantasy vibes here. Also, the fairies apparently have Tapus as their patron deities. Filling that one away for later. I do kinda wonder if the significance of why Pokémon are wielding weapons ought to have been elaborated on a bit more either in this chapter or the one before. IIRC from what you’ve said about your stories’ setting in the past, something happened to make Pokémon unable to attack with their normal elemental attacks or something like that, but that’s not acknowledged at all here and I wouldn’t have known what was going on for why Pokémon were using stuff like swords instead of normal attacks without that meta knowledge. The elemental super weapon just lying around was also neat and seems to be playing up the more magical side of this FF-style setting. I do wonder if it’d have worked better with some form of foreshadowing since it feels a bit weird to get something this big dropped on us out of the blue narratively.
Things kinda went from 0-100 in this chapter. Some of it in ways that felt well-executed, while others I wasn’t as sure about. The moment when Jyararanga shows up to bail out Rune and Diantha from the fairy soldiers just casually cleaves one of them in two was definitely a nice reminder of why the 15+ rating is in the preamble, and to add a cold splash of water in the faces of our young, strapping protagonists that they live in a dangerous world where sometimes ugly things will happen. That said, some other things felt like they could’ve been telegraphed a bit more. The transition into the ruined temple comes to mind since it felt really abrupt and like it might have worked better with more buildup in chapter 1 or more acknowledgment of the “wait, we *have* one of these in the castle” moments.
On the characterization side, I thought that things were a bit of a mixed bag. Rune and Diantha did a good job reminding us that at the end of the day they’re relatively young siblings with that argument between them and show off their sheltered background given that their immediate response to being approached by armed fairies is essentially “halt there, evildoers!”. At the same time, I’m not sure if I buy how quickly Rune and Diantha come around to buying the resulting bloodbath as being needless since the Fairies were very much the aggressors in this skirmish, already injured Rune, and didn’t exactly make any attempts at a peaceful resolution. Like I get that Jyararanga wasn’t going to bring up the whole “I need Clefairy to save the world” thing the gang isn’t used to seeing a bunch of Pokémon have their insides turned into their outsides in front of them and that it’s shocking and traumatic, especially for Ariala, but I think the logic was missing a step there. Or at least up until the part where Jyararanga blows the fleeing airship out of the air. That feels like a pretty definitive point for “dad, you didn’t need to do that” even with Rune and Diantha’s upbringing
There’s a couple moments that feel like they’re building to stuff in the future, even if we didn’t really get a chance to see what they looked like in this chapter. First off was the part where Diantha gets souped up with unnatural wind magic or something, which I suppose would explain the warning signs going up to the ruined temple. Though she’s clearly seemed to be taking the change well™ in the aftermath of things. There was also Rune getting a bit restless in the wake of the whole “Diantha getting impaled” moment and Jyararanga harshly slapping him down. Like as much of a jerk Jyanraranga was being, especially with just casually throwing that bit about questioning whether or not he should’ve adopted the two out there, he kinda had a point. Can’t tell if he’s being built up to be a villain or else someone who’s more morally gray given that he kidnapped a princess, but apparently did it because the fate of the world was in the balance.
Also, I had a hard time getting a read on Ariala’s personality again. Since she kinda fades out towards the end. There was something that seemed like it was trimmed by accident from the “someone he loved” part, since there’s no mention of either Jyararanga or Diantha being injured until afterwards when the shadow monster thingy is impaling Diantha. Perhaps she was meant to have a moment there that accidentally got edited out?
Chapter 3
And we open things up with a timeskip of… 10 years, huh? That’s definitely quite the jump ahead. It felt a bit sudden since we didn’t really get any resolution with whatever was going on Jyararanga and Ariala back in Chapter 2. I think the idea was that she got away with the attacking fairies? But I honestly couldn’t tell from the narration that was provided which would make for the morbid possibility that she’s just around here in Jyararanga chilling in a tower like Rapunzel.
We get a few odds and ends filled in this chapter for what on earth went down 10 years ago and what went down since. The shadowblob thingy that impaled Diantha was a Shadow Pokémon, which is apparently bad news… for some reason. And Jyararanga went to Faeria for diplomacy to arrange an alliance by marriage with Ariala. I wasn’t expecting that one. Age must’ve taken the edge off him, even if I’m a bit surprised that Faeria would honor that request since… the whole kidnapping thing and all that, but I suppose staring down a planet-wide catastrophe helps put things into perspective.
Characterization-wise, everyone’s really different this chapter. Which I suppose is realistic after 10 years of changes, even if something about the present and past personalities feels a little disconnected. Like Jyararanga has mellowed with age, Rune has grown more duty-minded, and Diantha has gone into an overtly feminine phase, which I suppose aren’t unreasonable destinations for where they would’ve wound up after 10 years, but given how we were just barely getting to know them in the past two, I wonder if the dynamic would’ve worked better with more callbacks to the way things were to provide a sense of continuity. Though then again, I suppose that could just be a function of “keep reading ahead”, since Diantha apparently picked up magic powers from the whole shadowblob episode and with that ominous sly giggling at the end, it seems like some of those changes she went through might not necessarily have been net positives.
In general, I thought that this story showed some decent promise especially with its really interesting hook, though things were a bit uneven, to the point that I question whether or not I’d have enjoyed it as much reading it without meta foreknowledge. Though I suppose that as a finished work, it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie and learn from the past for future endeavors.
I don’t know how much more of this story I’ll be reading from this point on, but you did catch my eye with the setting @HaruMiju . I suppose that’s a sign to come back and re-visit it in another story with a bit more polish sometime in the future.
