Pokémon A Halfway Home For Dimensionally-Troubled Former Humans

[Shiny Phantump]

A Halfway Home For Dimensionally-Troubled Former Humans
​

A PMD anthology originally written for the 2023 anni prompt bingo, though I would enjoy fleshing it out some more later!

Common content warnings for body dysphoria, gender dysphoria, and this world having a human-negative society. Individual entries will have their own warnings for one-off occurrences.

Spoiler: Introduction: Emmeryn and Niko

53rd of Fall, 3rd Year of the Rainbow Feather

I’ve known I was “human” for as long as I can remember, but it didn’t mean anything to me until I met Emmeryn. It was just a word, for the most part. All it meant in practical terms is that I was more powerful than normal, and that I had to learn to hold that back. People were touchy about our power. Historical reasons.

I knew I was lucky that, when I first awoke here and tearfully confessed my circumstance, it was my current father that I found. I can picture many ways my life could have gone depending on who, if anyone, I ended up with. None of them go as well as my current one. Most quite dramatically so. That was the extent of my thoughts on the subject. Humanity had been something that happened to me. Not a part of me.

After all, I didn’t choose humanity in the same way I chose to seek to become part of an exploration team, or chose to take on the malicious armour that made me a Ceruledge. Not until much later in my life.

My first human decision was during a trial for an exploration team. We heard conflict, and found the source to be a Kirlia, quivering like a leaf, staring at her hands, and yet surrounded by several unconscious thugs. A testament to an uncanny power whose source could only have been one thing.

I recall feeling like I was suffocating as she told us what she was: Human, of course. I’d already known. Didn’t know what to do with that, though. The team leader’s eyes widened, afraid. Unsurprising, given the stories…

I felt like I had to step in. In retrospect, I did have the option to just… watch. Kept my secret close as I had for the rest of my prior life. Let them come to their own conclusion as to what to do with her. Maybe she’d still have been okay. But I’m not that kind of person.

The look on the poor leader’s when he realized there was another human, one who had been with him this entire time was quite memorable. But I hadn’t slit someone’s throat in their sleep or grabbed one of his tails, and that counted from something in terms of trust. Not much, but enough that he and his team agreed to keep things between us.

And so, I met Emmeryn, viscerally uncomfortable in her own skin and close to breaking but nonetheless reassured by the fact that she wasn’t the only one and that someone was on her side. Which is good, because as she remembers it, she’d been pretty close to blasting the old Ninetales away before that.

It was speaking with her that prompted me to realize what I was missing. Before, I wasn’t even aware of the pieces of myself I had lost. I recalled only a few vague impressions of a time before my childhood. A day with bright tubes humming with light, apple juice, a new dress and shoes for the occasion, and more than anything else, noise. But not who I had been, or anything of the people around me.

I learned that human was a species and not an adjective. I had not been a human Charcadet. I had been one, and then the other. I had been embarrassed, and Emmeryn concerned. I felt like I’d failed her in some way, since I was supposed to be helping her. We were supposed to have our humanity in common, but here she was explaining it to me. I didn’t know until later that the whole thing hadn’t upset her- that she’d been grateful for a reason to talk to someone about her past life.

In return, I taught her how to be a Kirlia. To the best of my ability, at least, it wasn’t perfect but was certainly better than nothing. I remember telling her about her evolution, how it needed a host, and the degree of closeness that tie brought both minds. I told her she needed to abort the process if ever it started for her, since the link would lay her secrets bare before that person, her humanity included. After all, I was the only other human she knew. Loner as I was, I had no interest whatsoever in such a connection!

Emmeryn is laughing at me over our mental link as I write this. Which is quite rude, considering she was the one who advised me to try diarying my feelings about my identity in the first place. In her defence, I’ve laughed at it before too. I was a different person back then.

With another human to form a team with, exploring had been a natural path for us. When just the two of us were there, we didn’t even have to hold back. The poor dungeon memories never stood a chance. It was kind of cathartic. I’m going to miss doing that.

I started to understand the idea of feeling human more. It was something that tied us together, this shared fate. There was solidarity to be found in it. Then she evolved, and I think I ended up more confused since then. It wasn’t really a priority. We were both establishing a new sort of identity, growing accustomed to sharing our thoughts.

But this has stuck with me. It’s an issue we haven’t been able to shake. And so here I am.

I feel like I’m writing around in circles. Or at least putting off the inevitable.

I have a certain jealousy bitterness jealousy? It’s something like that. It’s the reason Emmeryn is giving me space in my head, insofar as we’re still capable of that, to write to nobody when I could talk to her instead. When we’ve tried, I just can’t. Mental armour goes up.

I can’t even say that the feeling extends just to Emmeryn. I think it’s about other people who just know who they are. I’ve never understood humanity, and at this point I don’t know if I ever will. But I can’t separate who I am from it, either. Even if things were simpler before I knew being human had any greater meaning, I don’t want to give up what I’ve found on the way.

I can never have a chance to live as a human. But I can’t be anything else. I was born to a world of concepts alien to me. Emmeryn can identify what we think was probably my first day of preschool. It’s my memory, but to me it’s nothing more than a collection of alien sensations.

Nor could I have ever inferred that the dress meant I probably wasn’t male as a human. I guess it’s one more thing about myself lost between worlds. Ceruledge is not a species where that matters, so I shouldn’t care. In spite of that, I can’t help but feel some sort of way about it. Given it won’t be coming from the Ceruledge part of me, I imagine I’ll end up having to interrogate those feelings with Emmeryn later, once I’m done with this.

We have other plans now. I don’t know if it’s really a solution to the messiness humans face here, but it’s something. It means none of us will have to be alone with these feelings again. At least not if we can reach them. It also means I’ll be the only one like this. I know that’s good. I don’t want other humans needing to lose themselves like this, just to have a place here.

It’s an isolating feeling, though. Making sure I’m the last one to be like this…

 

[Shiny Phantump]

An individual content warning for mild internalized queerphobia with Isaac.

Spoiler: Isaac

Spring 14th

I think it’s starting to settle in for me that this is going to be the rest of my life. There’s no fantastical adventures, no grand epiphanies, and no going back… It’s just this.

The main struggle is just my body itself. I miss having limbs. But I’ve gotten the hang of moving now, and even if my finesse leaves something to be desired I get the idea behind manipulating objects. So even that is fading from feeling terrible and dramatic back into mundanity. Once everything is said and done, I wonder what my life will look like.

It’s not that I had a strong vision of my future before this, which is probably good for me. Still, it’s hard now to imagine any sort of future at all. Not in an “I think I’m gonna die” kind of way, it’s just foggy. I could stay here, they need people who’re well-adjusted to help them take care of newbies like me. Or let Niko drill me on how things work here and leave, but then I’ll be somewhere everyone just thinks I’m a normal-ass snake. So I guess I’m probably staying here?

I don’t really like the idea of having to keep a secret as all-encompassing as my identity. Or to try to figure out who I can and can’t trust with that information. God, I miss being privileged. That was I meant that as a joke but honestly I don’t think it was.

Plus, another thing about leaving: This seviper isn’t a guy. I don’t really care here, given I’m not planning on getting up to any kinky snake shit one way or another. Outside, while I’ve been assured my sex would be a lot less of an important difference here then back home, I’m still not as neutral on the idea.

I feel like people kind of expect me to have stronger opinions on that than I do. I mean, it’s more reason to stay, but aside from that, whatever. I can’t get my head around the idea that that might be what someone cares about when they get turned into a snake, and not the absence of limbs. And I can get my head around a lot of things as I am right now, unfortunately.

When I insisted that I didn’t care in any way, all of the more experienced people started referring to me with ‘they’ even though I’d already told them my name is Isaac. It was like clockwork, like they’d done it before. Which I think is kind of weird because I’d imagine the default would be to stick with what I’m already used to, but I’m not going to fight them on it. I don’t really care to correct anyone.

---

Spring 17th

I’m not fond of being cold-blooded. I expected it to suck, I’m not surprised by that, but I didn’t really expect how much it would affect me moment-to-moment. Like, okay, it figures I have to go warm up sometimes, that’s fair. But it feels really unnecessary for it to affect me the way it does when I’m just starting to cool down.

If my body had its way we’d spend more than half our waking hours by the fire. That’s too much, and I know I can push through it for longer, but it makes my head feel fogged up. Feels a little petty on account of my body to stop me when I know we’re good to keep going for at least a couple more hours.

At least it should get warmer as time goes on. Plus I have as much time as I could hope for before the next winter comes around, because I am not looking forward to that. Naturally I’m supposed to go into hibernation, but I can try to keep it away if I do a lot to keep warm. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess, but neither of those options sound great.

Becoming a snake has totally turned the energy in my disposition down a few notches. It weirds me out, honestly. The idea of this body affecting the way my brain ticks makes me uncomfortable. Even if it’s kind of unavoidable. Brain’s a body part and all.

---

Spring 63rd

Yesterday was weird.

We had a few people come in to do some work on the place today. They’re getting some trees planted for fruit, and probably also in case we end up with a species who needs one. I’m pretty sure the people they called in to do it had no idea what this place does or that we’re all humans here, so I guess that’s my first social interaction with outsiders done.

It could have been worse. It could also have gone much better. One of them was a snake-y looking thing, but with plant parts. That was a new concept to me. At least I’m a normal snake, if I had to manage body temperature and a plant inside my body I’d probably just mentally snap.

The thing is I was kind of watching him do his job with the plants, and he definitely noticed me at some point? The whole thing is stupid. I would call it a comedy of errors if it was funny, but it doesn’t really feel like that right now. He had to warm up while I was also there by the fire, and he just gives me this look as he lies down.

I feel just incredibly weird about it all. He totally thought I was staring at him for other reasons and I obviously couldn’t clarify without blowing everyone’s cover. So there was kind of this flirty smalltalk. He had this sort of elegantness to his voice. He’s just kind of like that in general really.

I kind of clicked with it a lot harder than I expected to. There’s just so many reasons for me not to. But it’s still kind of in my head. I feel so fucking weird about it. It’s bad. Like, I’m still not going to think of myself as a snake woman all of a sudden but I feel like there’s no way out of this with my idea of my masculine heterosexuality entirely intact.

I went to ask Emmeryn if how I feel about things like this can be affected by this Seviper body. Before I’d even gotten the words out she gave me this patient smile, because I guess she could emotionsense what was up with me. And then once I’d said my thing she reassured me that there was a difference between a physical reaction like my body being tired an account of cold blood, and someone's identity changing. Also something about how "even if our understanding of ourselves changes" we're still the same people at heart. It's a nice sentiment, and... I guess on reflection some of these feelings might have been part of me as a human. She told me not to worry about labelling myself too much. It's easier said than done though. How can I not think about the idea I might be gay? Or that being "non-binary" is something I might be something real that I have to worry about now? It's frightening. But I suppose that's why she didn't want me to worry about it?

So that’s what I’m going to go try to do now.

Spoiler: Claude

Had a strange interaction today. Ran into a snake looking thing. A “seviper.” He introduced himself as Isaac. But when we first saw each other it was weird. Something kicked in, my heart skipped a beat. We were just stuck staring at each other. It was like the lights had come up on a stage. We were the leads, but when it started we didn’t know our cues. Or our lines. So we just stood there, adrenaline coursing with nowhere to direct it.

He snapped out of it and introduced himself. But I was having trouble paying attention. I think he was too. Neither of our hearts were really in it. I just told him I was a zangoose and I needed to pick something to call myself. He seemed a bit weirded out by that but maybe it was just what was happening to us. I don’t know. It was freaky.

---

I asked about what happened to us yesterday. I think he did first though because Emmeryn already knew the answer without having to look it up in the books. Apparently there’s something with our species. In nature they’re supposed to be natural enemies. I don’t know how to feel about the idea that this whole ordeal is affecting our brains.

Niko suggested we try fighting each other. Seriously! She actually said that. Emmeryn didn’t seem happy with it at first but they did the thing where they stare at each other for a while and then decide on something as two of them. They think it’ll go better if we have a chance to “express that impulse in a safe environment.” These bodies are built for fighting a lot more than our human ones, which sounds like fun to me.

So we’re preparing for that now. Niko is helping me learn to fight with claws and teeth. Emmeryn is helping Issac do other stuff. That being said, if they’re linked in the head then they’re kind of collectively helping both of us? I’m not sure though. I don’t really get it.

I like Niko. Which is good. Most of the time I’ve spent with them so far has been with Emmeryn. She handles introducing everyone to this place. She also looked up my species in one of the books. But Niko lived here for a lot longer so if I want to leave I’m going to need to let her drill me on how things work outside.

I’m glad for all the people here but I don’t think I can stay. I’ve never been the kind of person to stick around in one place. I just feel trapped staying here all the time. It’s not their fault but still. I want to be able to leave without getting into trouble. Before I start to go stir-crazy.

That means I need a new name too. I don’t imagine I can go with my old one here. I don’t know for sure if non-humans would pick up on how ill-fitting my name is for a man, but I know I’d feel weird sticking with it either way. I’ve heard some people call the fact I ended up as a man here “losing the coin flip” but that seems dumb to me. This is just better. Who wouldn’t want to become a man if they had the chance?

---

We fought. I lost, but I still think I did okay. I thought I was going to win but then I got wrapped up and couldn’t really move, and that was the end of that. We both healed up really fast afterwards but apparently that’s normal. That’s cool. I can see why this was worth doing. It was a lot of fun. I think things felt more normal between us afterwards. We even talked to each other like there was nothing weird between us. They seem pretty cool. I like them.

It’s the closest I’ve felt with anyone since getting here. I know it’s ironic given we’re supposed to be enemies, but whatever. Niko was not surprised by that so I think it’s just normal here. It makes some kind of sense to me. As in, now we can be rivals instead of… whatever else you’d call how we felt the first time we saw each other.

We’re going to try it again some more. Hopefully I can win some. But if it’s anything like this, I’ll probably enjoy it just as much either way.

---

I lost again. But it was a lot closer this time. I didn’t get wrapped up, at least. I think now that I’m getting more used to this body I can do it next time, really win. Either way it’s fun getting to fight people and that just being okay. It doesn’t even hurt much.

We talked about names some. They ended up as a woman snake, but they didn’t seem that mad about it. I don’t really get that since I would’ve been, but to each their own? They still want to keep their name though. I told them I needed one. They suggested the name Claude for me. I really like it. It turns out they were kind of kidding and it was a pun. About claws? I don’t really care. I just really like the name. They’re happy I like it too. Once I found out it was a joke I was worried about that. But they’re cool.

I never really understood the idea of having a name I like. This does go against the point of having a name that blends in totally normally but I’m not changing it. If I liked my old name this much I wouldn’t have changed it at all. It just feels good.

My name is Claude.

Signed: Claude

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Individual content warnings for depression, suicidal thoughts, an accidental near-death experience, and self-loathing. The heaviest part of the bunch.

Spoiler: Amelia

Nov 24

I am dead.

It annoys me when people keep trying to correct me when I say that. I’m a ghost. And my life is over. But here I am. Hooray. I couldn’t even manage to die like I should have.

They’re pretty sure what we end up as isn’t based on who we are in any meaningful way. I guess I believe that, since there’s no way in hell anyone or anything would go out of the way to pick out a species for me to be stuck as. That makes my situation a coincidence, not something deliberate. But come on, the irony is so palpable.

I mean, I’m basically dead. Now all that’s left is a toxic cloud left to haunt the people who still care about me. Deliberate or not, it feels like a monkey’s paw somewhere heard all my innermost thoughts and curled a finger. I never thought I’d miss my body, or that I’d want my life back.

I’ll have to add that to my long-running list of shortcomings.

At least I’m allowed to relax now. I haven’t had room to breathe since they first found me. Not that I need to

I can see why they didn’t just want to dump me in a room and be done with it, but there’s only so much time I can spend hearing someone explain things about being a toxic ghost to me before it starts to feel like rubbing salt in the wound.

Fucking hell, why does there have to be so much about all these different species here. Really. They have a thirty-fucking-eight volume encyclopedia of them all here.

Now that I’m done with that, I don’t know what to do with myself. Which isn’t really anything new on its own, but I don’t have to drink, eat, sleep. Instead, I get my energy from sucking the heat from the room, which is great because this victorian-ass stone fort is already chilly, so I can make everyone more uncomfortable.

Eventually they’ll probably want me to start helping out here, but they want to give me a chance to settle in. Which I’m doing a great job of. I’ve settled right into this room.

---

Nov 28

I figured out that, even if I can’t sleep, I can get pretty close. There’s a bed here, even if I don’t technically need it. And I don’t really have to think about things, if I don’t want to. I can just zone out into a sort of trance. It’s weird, but it’s better than being stuck with my own head like I was before. So, if there’s one upside to all this, I guess it’s that.

I think some people are realizing that they’re never seeing me leaving my room. Some guy named Claude knocked and introduced himself. It turned out to be one of those conversations where there’s clearly nothing to talk about that isn’t too risky, so it was just menial smalltalk.

Apparently he’s been keeping track of the days since his arrival, and he’s been here for a while. His estimate of what day it’d be back home was off, though. The calendars are different. Fewer days in a year, and if they’re longer it’s not quite enough to stop the dates drifting out of sync. Which means it’s futile for me to keep track of or use real-world dates here. I don’t feel like learning a new calendar system for this place, though.

---

Nov 29th

Niko visited me today. I was kind of expecting Emmeryn because she seems like the kind of earnest person who I’m used to. Honestly, I assumed she’d just sent Niko as a proxy for her because she’d get extra sick if I fucked up and poisoned her. Or because she has some kind of emotion sense that would probably suck to have around me. I’m not sure that’s actually it though.

She just sat down at the end of the bed. I don’t know if she was hoping I would say something first or what, but I didn’t, so we sat there in silence for a while. I feel like that wouldn’t have happened if Emmeryn was running things because she seems extroverted as hell. In my opinion it was the best part though. I wish all my social interactions could go like that, just sitting there in silent solidarity against the cold indifference of the universe.

It couldn’t last. To be fair, of all the conversations I’ve had to have about the fact I’m obviously unhealthy, it was one of the better ones. She just listened to me without interrupting. Once I was done, I expected the whole thing about how I’d feel better if I got out more, which I know is true but pisses me off every time anyways. But she just talked about herself.

We’re both ghosts. She literally chose to become one, I honestly probably would’ve done the same if anyone had asked me as a human. So I guess we have fucked up ghost shit in common. I don’t think she entirely gets me, but that’s probably good for her and she’s still the closest anyone has really come to it.

There was one part where she’d thought she’d already explained something to me before, where there’s places here where the geography’s all wrong, and they’re filled with screwed-up recollections of whatever wildlife lived there before long enough for the place to “remember” it. (Which sounds lovecraftian as fuck, but she thought it was normal.)

She was just talking about how she used to deal with shit by just ripping through all these things with gratuitous violence, not realizing I didn’t know what they were, and I was genuinely wondering if she was confessing to being a serial killer before she realized I had no context and scrambled to clarify.

We laughed about it, in the end. Which is a first for me since I got here. So I guess she’s cool. I would kind of like to spend more time with her, maybe get her to divulge some tips on being a messed-up ghost. But I know she’s busy running this place, so I don’t want to bug her.

---

Dec 1st

I fucked up yesterday.

I remember being told about being bound together by willpower, which I kind of wrote off as obviously not being very literal because I’m me, and didn’t poof out of existance the moment I arrived. But it did mean something. I was trying to do the “sleep” thing, but I was still bored and I was trying to go… deeper or something, I guess it wasn’t very well thought out in retrospect.

It felt a little like going under anesthesia, fading out of tune with reality. Apparently I’d lost my grip on my gas, and it was spreading out from my body as I let go. I feel bad thinking this, but it felt serene. I think it’s the most at-peace I’ve ever really been with myself. Which is bad, because I was dying and if Niko hadn’t snapped me out of it, I might have made it all the way.

I didn’t actually get all the gas back. There’s a window in my room that’s really just a hole to the outside, and some of me got out of it. They have me in another room now, which I think is supposed to be a sickbay given it’s full of stuff that looks like it comes from one of those herbal remedies stores.

Emmeryn came down a few times to check my pressure. Apparently I didn’t gas her by accident so that’s good. She did cough some, though, so I hope she wasn’t bullshitting me. Niko also visited once to give me some medicine that fizzled and dissolved inside of me like a chem experiment. We tried to talk, but nothing much happened. Which sucked.

It’s Claude who actually stuck with me the most, which is weird to me because I thought I’d screwed things up the first time. I wasn’t really expecting him to come back. But he did. I guess this time my life was more obviously off-limits, so he just told me stories about his time here. He’s got a deadpan delivery with some parts which is honestly kind of funny. I even quipped back a couple times, and he laughed. I don’t think it was fake.

So I guess I have a friend now. That’s progress.

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Spoiler: Sam

Emmrin gave me a journal. She says I need to practice riting my sentenses.

I am sad. I want to see my mommy and daddy again.

There is no one my age here. I wish mickey was here with me.

Every one here is nice to me but it does not feel like a friends way.

I think even though my mommy and daddy are still my mommy and daddy it also feels like Emmirin and Niko are like moms for me too.

I hate being small I want to evoliv so I can be bigger and then my life will be better.

I want there to be another kid here.

(I have an idea for a second part to this one in my head. Maybe another time?)

 

[Flyg0n]

Given I've already hit up Irreflections, here I am!

Okay so after reading this a couple times I figured the most fun approach would be to give what is basically a bunch of commentary and thoughts and impressions, since its short but its very rich! Diary format can sometimes be tricky, easy to slip into just rambling about thoughts or stories but I really enjoy the use of the format to dance around the unspoken and unsaid things, and tease bits about the world without arbitrarily explaining things... I think its really well used here.

the writing itself, and the prose and everything is really solid, so I figured I'll focus commentary on just my impressions as I read it instead.

As a note, for some reason it didn't click with me this was a diary entry until he said so about halfway in? Dunno why lol. Anyways, v good.

53rd of Fall, 3rd Year of the Rainbow Feather

I am absolutely loving the way time is kept by the 'Rainbow Feather'? To me it means one of two things. My first thought was that it meant perhaps Niko was from Johto, but in hindsight, given how little he remembers, its more likely that its a convention of this PMD world.

Which, the idea of that is super cool! Love the little detail, it makes the world feel more alive than just 'month/January/February etc'

I’ve known I was “human” for as long as I can remember, but it didn’t mean anything to me until I met Emmeryn. It was just a word, for the most part. All it meant in practical terms is that I was more powerful than normal, and that I had to learn to hold that back. People were touchy about our power. Historical reasons.

Not a lot is said specifically about what humans did or why they are feared, although its clearly implied in the text that humans have abnormal strength. I'm really fascinated by the possible implications - did some use that strength wrong, or did pokemon simply fear what they didn't know? What events led to a world where humans are spurned or feared?

After all, I didn’t choose humanity in the same way I chose to seek to become part of an exploration team, or chose to take on the malicious armour that made me a Ceruledge. Not until much later in my life.

I love how Niko considers his choice to stand up for Kirlia Emmeryn the moment he actually chose humanity. There's a rich depth to the statement, of choosing to acknowledge something, even if its something you already always were finally simply coming to light about it. Until now he was human but said nothing, but in speaking up, he chose to acknowledge what he actully is, even if now he's a pokemon.

The look on the poor leader’s when he realized there was another human, one who had been with him this entire time was quite memorable. But I hadn’t slit someone’s throat in their sleep or grabbed one of his tails,

Love two bits here. First, what on earth are the myths and legends surrounding humans? Obviously rumors can get crazy but clearly there's some intense ones. Apparently humans are seen as violent and disrespectful, probably even murders. Also loved the casual weaving in of details about the leaders species before outright saying it.

As I mentioned earlier it can be tempting to add details purely for the readers benefit that someone in-universe might not even write about in a diary but here its well incoporated.

I learned that human was a species and not an adjective. I had not been a human Charcadet. I had been one, and then the other.

This bit felt like a really clever and interesting subversion of the usual approach to a human getting sent to a PMD world. Often, even with amnesia, the character might remember they used to be human and usually understand what the word means, to an extent. That its a species, if not outright remember what the idea of a human is. But its such a fascinating idea that you might remember a word but not its context in grammar. Here, Niko thinks of it as human Charcadet, probably the way one might say 'strong Pikachu' but its really a noun.

Idk i just really dig that, its a fun twist.

I remember telling her about her evolution, how it needed a host, and the degree of closeness that tie brought both minds. I told her she needed to abort the process if ever it started for her, since the link would lay her secrets bare before that person, her humanity included.

???? omg wait, PMD Kirlia evo's require a 'host'? Thats so cool! So as I udnerstand it, they have to form what is essentially a 'drift' or a bare mental link where they have to be like, really close? I love that.

After all, I was the only other human she knew. Loner as I was, I had no interest whatsoever in such a connection!

Emmeryn is laughing at me over our mental link as I write this. Which is quite rude, considering she was the one who advised me to try diarying my feelings about my identity in the first place. In her defence, I’ve laughed at it before too. I was a different person back then.

I love how this bit makes them feel like an old married couple, reminiscing over how they used to be.

With another human to form a team with, exploring had been a natural path for us. When just the two of us were there, we didn’t even have to hold back. The poor dungeon memories never stood a chance. It was kind of cathartic. I’m going to miss doing that.

Oooooo so in this world, the dungeon 'pokemon' are like memories, not like, alive living pokemon? Are they memories of pokemon who died or just the dungeon itself? Pokemon who used to live in the area before it became a dungeon? Love the worldbuilding here.

I started to understand the idea of feeling human more. It was something that tied us together, this shared fate. There was solidarity to be found in it. Then she evolved, and I think I ended up more confused since then. It wasn’t really a priority. We were both establishing a new sort of identity, growing accustomed to sharing our thoughts.

But this has stuck with me. It’s an issue we haven’t been able to shake. And so here I am.

I feel like I’m writing around in circles. Or at least putting off the inevitable.

I have a certain jealousy bitterness jealousy? It’s something like that. It’s the reason Emmeryn is giving me space in my head, insofar as we’re still capable of that, to write to nobody when I could talk to her instead. When we’ve tried, I just can’t. Mental armour goes up.

I can’t even say that the feeling extends just to Emmeryn. I think it’s about other people who just know who they are. I’ve never understood humanity, and at this point I don’t know if I ever will. But I can’t separate who I am from it, either. Even if things were simpler before I knew being human had any greater meaning, I don’t want to give up what I’ve found on the way.

I can never have a chance to live as a human. But I can’t be anything else. I was born to a world of concepts alien to me. Emmeryn can identify what we think was probably my first day of preschool. It’s my memory, but to me it’s nothing more than a collection of alien sensations.

Nor could I have ever inferred that the dress meant I probably wasn’t male as a human. I guess it’s one more thing about myself lost between worlds. Ceruledge is not a species where that matters, so I shouldn’t care. In spite of that, I can’t help but feel some sort of way about it. Given it won’t be coming from the Ceruledge part of me, I imagine I’ll end up having to interrogate those feelings with Emmeryn later, once I’m done with this.

We have other plans now. I don’t know if it’s really a solution to the messiness humans face here, but it’s something. It means none of us will have to be alone with these feelings again. At least not if we can reach them. It also means I’ll be the only one like this. I know that’s good. I don’t want other humans needing to lose themselves like this, just to have a place here.

It’s an isolating feeling, though. Making sure I’m the last one to be like this…

Aside, 'mental armor' is such a great phrasing. Also bonus for 'bitter blade' as Ceruledge's signature and Niko crossing out bitterness here. Part of me enjoys the idea of words not said, but also wants more.

The idea of longing for something you don't understand is pretty interesting, especially when magic shenanigans come into play, yet you are still inquestionably that something. Yet finding yourself jealous of the one person who has an understanding of you as well. Touches upon that very human sense of weirdly complex emotions, knowing you don't want to feel some way but feeling it anyway.

Niko struggling with jealously is really interesting here, especially since Gardevoir feels so human, even though as a Ceruledge is also rather humanesque.

(Also unrelated, I wonder how Ceruledge writes? Telekinesis? Slightly different anatomy that what we see in games?)

We have other plans now. I don’t know if it’s really a solution to the messiness humans face here, but it’s something. It means none of us will have to be alone with these feelings again. At least not if we can reach them. It also means I’ll be the only one like this. I know that’s good. I don’t want other humans needing to lose themselves like this, just to have a place here.

It’s an isolating feeling, though. Making sure I’m the last one to be like this…

So when I first read this my thought process was that this line was implying a very dark ending? Like there's quite a lot of humans here, struggling with problems. And it sounds like the solution is somehow.... sending humans back? Or destroying whatever process led to humans getting sent to this world? Like a sort of grim resolve to prevent further suffering somehow. perhaps even Niko is he saying perhaps he would try to wipe the memories of humans? At least, thats what i thought based on my understanding, since he says he's making sure he's the only and last one like this.

The (...) made it feel a bit eerie as well.

However, I gave it some more thought and likely its that it is actually be a much much lighter thing, given the title of this? Since he wants to 'reach' other humans. So maybe they're just talking about being open about their humanity and starting a therapy place? heh. I probably missed something along the way, or even more likely there is further context in later segments? In which case uh... I hope something about my thought process is helpful to you!

Overall i really enjoyed the use of the diary format for this, and I'm really curious to read more of these when I can.

I am of two minds about the overall story. One of me really enjoys the ambiguity and the brief snippet we get, and objectively, it works well, keeping within the universe, and its setting and characters. My simple and emotional story loving side wants more though (in a good way). I want to see more of Niko and Emmeryn and their relationship and whatever they're doing, and this world you've created and what the history is with humans. To know their plan, and how it goes and if its sucessful. Which, this is definitely a positive and not a negative, you drop so many interesting hints it left me really curious.