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Pokémon A Brother's Merit

Forward/Introductory Page

TheOnePersonInTheBack

Oblivious Protagonist
Pronouns
Any work
Nothing is quite as it seems.

In a world of promise and adventure, many a youth have struck out from home and scattered all across the world to make a name for themselves. Some seek to make discoveries and become Pokemon Professors, others seek to be Pokemon Trainers and battle each other to become champions of the many regions that reign over this land, others seek to merely explore with their Pokemon, and see all that this abundant world has to offer. One thing is common in the hearts of these intrepid youth, they seek to put their names among legend.

This story, however, is not about one among these youth.

This is a story of a child, who longed for his family and set out to find it. A boy who learned to love and lose, returning from his travels a scarred but far wiser young man. Someone who found hope, and lost it over and over again but still kept going for the mere chance of finding where he belonged. With his partner Seaburn and a team of his beloved Pokemon by his side, the boy treks across one of these regions as he searches for the family he lost long ago.

This, is a Brothers Merit.

(AN: Heyo! So ill be posting the prologue for my Nuzlocke/Journey fic soon, and figured I would give you all a taste of whats to come! I will warn you all that This story has themes of abuse and death ladled throughout. Of course, I wont torture you all with constant agnst, theres humor and heart within the chapters as well. I hope you all enjoy my little story.

Also, I am a bit on the younger side and dont have much experience writing. Any constructive criticism and positive feedback is appreciated.

Thank you, and again, enjoy my little story,

- Toffee)
 
Prologue

TheOnePersonInTheBack

Oblivious Protagonist
Pronouns
Any work
...Look, I didn't mean for this to happen.

I don't even know how everything went this wrong...I knew finding Hiro wouldn't be easy but how could I have expected anything that actually took place? Team Plasma...Reshiram...Everything after....None of that was part of the plan! Though...I didn't have much of a plan in the first place, it was just find Hiro and go home...

I guess i'm the only one to blame, then.

Gods, i'm stupid...if only I had just thought for a little bit longer maybe the last three years wouldn't have been a living hell for me and my friends....I wonder how they're even doing...Its been a while now, Hope they're still doing well...

...as for Mom and Dad....They probably moved on by now, right? They let me leave so I doubt they expected me to really come back...didn't expect it from Hiro either...But still, I never meant to hurt anyone, I just wanted my brother back.

...

...

You don't know what i'm even talking about, huh?

It's alright, don't blame you either way.

I should probably explain, right? Maybe you would understand then....

Let me start from the beginning.

My name is Hinata Yamamoto, and this is how I almost destroyed everything you've ever known.
 
Chapter One: Where all stories start.

TheOnePersonInTheBack

Oblivious Protagonist
Pronouns
Any work
Nuvema Town is a place I know all too well.

I remember the sound of running water just outside my window at night, I remember the smell of the ocean you felt in every breath you took. I remember many nights with my older brother Hiro, watching the sun set over the sea, taking in all of its beauty. Of course, after Hiro left a year or so ago...All I had left were memories. Memories of him, Memories of everything we did together.

Memories of when my family was whole.

Of course, while some things held a strange bittersweet feeling, others had a certain expectant air to them. Like today, for example. For some reason Professor Juniper, the Pokemon professor known throughout all of Unova and yet decided to set up base in our small little town, had called me to a meeting of sorts. I was only ten, so I didn't know what exactly for, but the power of such an invitation still stood out in my mind. I guess I should have been exited, It's not like everyone gets a meeting with the Professor, especially not some random kid. However instead of anticipation, all I felt was dread.

Why I was so afraid? I had seen this happen before.

Hiro had been called by Professor Juniper as well, it was the day he had gotten his first Pokemon and set out on a journey to, in his own words, 'become the best trainer there ever was.' He had been so exited, I had been too. My parents were all to understanding, they had both been trainers in their youth. We all celebrated with him, and wished him well on his journey. I wish I had known that day that Hiro would never be seen again after he left Nuevma for the brighter skies farther north of the region.

And now, only a year after that day, The Professor has called for me as well. I wondered what she would have me do, would it cause me to go missing just like my brother? It was all I could think about as I found myself unable to sleep or eat my breakfast the next morning. My parents weren't awake yet, they probably wouldn't want to see me off. Id be back in an hour or two anyway, the meeting probably wouldn't take much longer than that.

I wasn't in much of a rush to get ready, so eventually I forced myself to eat and put on my clothes. By now the sun was high in the sky, and I could hear birds outside chirping away. When I finally found time to glance out the window, I couldn't help but smile a little at how pretty it looked. Dew was still on the grass and already a few people were leaving to go to work or to play outside. I probably looked a little silly, but I found myself staring out at the scene. It was so bright and happy, and I found my spirits rising the longer I looked. I felt my worries begin to melt as my eyes watched the clouds roll by. Maybe I was worrying too much about today, surely whatever the professor wanted couldn't be that bad. After the meeting I may even go hang out with my friends.

Yeah, Today's going to be just fi-

"HEY HINATA!!!"

My thoughts were suddenly ripped from me as my door slammed open. The familiar voice of my friend screamed my name so loud it sent me jolting out of my skin with a yelp. Whirling around I saw the exited face of my friend Bianca running through the door. Standing behind her stood my other friend Cheren. He met my eyes and apologetically waved with a small smile, clearly seeing how scared I had been at thier sudden arrival.

"Sorry, Hinata. Did Bianca scare you?" He asked through a chuckle.

"Kind of-?" Was all I could muster the words to say at that moment. My heart was still beating fast after Bianca scared me, but after I calmed down for a second, I found my words again "-I mean, what are you guys doing here?"

"We're meeting up, silly!" Bianca tittered as she walked in, sitting down across from me. Her face had that familiar grin and sparkle in her eyes that said she was exited about something. I couldn't really connect what she was exited about...But it wasn't hard to amuse her, so I thought nothing of it, At least not until she said her next words.

"We're meeting up with the Professor today, remember?"

What!?

I felt my reasoning come to a complete stop as my face contorted with confusion. "W-wait, wait, She invited you two too?"

Cheren finally walked inside, holding the straps of a huge backpack almost the size of him. "Yes? Did she not tell you that?" He responded.

I shook my head. "I thought it was just me-"

I finished putting on my shoes and stood up, looking over at Cheren. "Did she tell you anything about the meeting?"

"Me and Bianca are just as clueless as you, All she said was to meet her at the Lab." the other boy pushed up his glasses and shrugged. "We'll see what she called us all for soon enough though."

Now I was really worried. The Professor calling us all to a meeting, not telling me that she had called my friends, and giving no reason for the meeting? I wasn't so sure I wanted to even go anymore. My friends seemed exited though, with Bianca already back on her feet and practically bouncing off the walls waiting for me and Cheren to be ready to go. Cheren wasn't as enthusiastic as her, but he was clearly still exited. He was fiddling with the straps on his backpack and glancing at the door occasionally. I knew he was usually more subdued about things he liked but meeting the Pokemon Professor herself? That was a dream of his.

Id hate to ruin their excitement. So I pushed my nervousness down and forced a smile on my face "Well, If you guys wanna we can just...Y'know, head over there?"

"Yessss! Cmon Cmon!" Bianca squealed in excitement and grabbed my hand, practically dragging me to the door. "I wanna see what she has to say!"

"Bianca's right, Hinata." Cheren weighed in on our friend's words. "We don't want to be rude and keep the Professor waiting for very long."

"Yeah of course-Lemme just get my bag." I answered as I pulled away from Bianca and quickly rushed back to my desk, reaching under it to grab hold of my backpack. Slinging it over my shoulders I walked back over to my friends.

"Alright, let's get this over with."

My friends responded with shouts of agreement as we headed out towards the Pokemon Lab. I was still a bit worried about the exact contents of the meeting, but with my friends there it wouldn't as bad as the dread settling in my stomach was making me think.

Hopefully.
 
Ch 2: Seaburn

TheOnePersonInTheBack

Oblivious Protagonist
Pronouns
Any work
We got to the Lab in about ten minutes after we left my house.

Standing in front of the lab, everything came back to me. Within moments I would learn what she had in store for me, good or bad. Oddly enough, for all of the dread I had been feeling all day, I couldn't feel anything but numb. I wanted to say it was peace, that whatever happened would happen and I would be fine, so thats what I decided to tell myself despite knowing it wasn't really true.

Cheren and Bianca didn't seem to share my worry, as they had already began to walk towards the door. Cheren opened it and, before going inside, looked at me still frozen in place. "Hinata? Are you coming?" He asked. Shaking myself from my thoughts, I nodded and finally moved from my spot. Bianca walked through the door, and I followed close behind, with Cheren closing the door after walking in after us. This was it, this was where everything would change forever, even though I didn't know it at the time.

The Lab looked amazing once you entered. It had sleek white walls and light grey tile lining the floor, giving the many scientists scuttling around a certain clink to their steps. It sounded nice to my ears, and far more tame the the whirring of machines and the chattering of everyone in the lab. As my mind registered the voices it quickly tuned them out, ive never been a fan of crowds. Far too much noise. I kept my eyes to the floor as I lagged behind my friends, who were already heading over to the back as quick as possible. As we got closer to the back, the form of Professor Juniper came more into focus.

Professor Juniper looked surprisingly young for a seasoned Professor. Tall and brown haired, with brown eyes that unnerved me. She seemed smart, of course she was. She was wearing normal lab clothes, but of course that wasn't I found my eyes going to. Instead I found myself looking right past her and three round objects on the desk behind her.

Pokeballs.

The moment I saw the Pokeballs, I realized what was happening, and my heart threatened to beat out of my chest. So this was what she was asking us here for! She was giving us Pokemon! For all of my fear for this meeting, I couldn't help but feel exited about the prospect of getting a Pokemon from the professor. Hiro had gotten one too, I remembered the day he brought it back to show us. What did he call it? A Tepig? I remember that day well, and I especially remember saying that one day I wanted a Pokemon too, then I would come show it to him!

Although Hiro wouldn't get to see them, it seemed my prediction about getting a Pokemon someday would be realized today...

I finally realized that someone was calling my name.

"Hinata?"

Looking up, I saw the Professor looking directly at me. "Are you with us?" She asked again.

Snapping out of my daze, I walked a bit closer, standing next to my friends. Bianca looked starstruck, while Cheren had a wide grin on his face.

The Professor looked at each of us and began to speak once again.

"Welcome to my lab, you three. Im sure you are wondering why I asked you all here?"

"Yeah! Whats all of this about?" Bianca was the first to reply, her eyes darting around the room as if distracted by every little sound the lab made.

Cheren nodded in agreement, while I just stared straight ahead, not really feeling like answering.

The Professor smiled. "Well, I brought you all here because Ive noticed something about you." She began. "Cheren, Bianca, Hinata, You three have remarkable potential. I see a little bit of myself in you all, which is why I called you here to make a request."

"A request? What kind of request?" Cheren raised an eyebrow as he asked her. Honestly I was wondering as well, I had thought we were getting Pokemon, but perhaps I was just mistaken.

Professor Juniper nodded in Cheren's Direction before turning around and grabbing three flat rectangle looking devices off of the desk with the Pokeballs. She showed them to us, and then paused for a moment as she realized we all looked rather confused at what she was holding.

"Ah, yes, You three probably don't know what this is-" She chuckled. "-This is a Pokédex. Its a device I and a few other Professors made that gathers data on Pokemon you meet automatically. Think of it like an encyclopedia of sorts, all you have to do is hold the little camera up to it-" She gestured to a small little lens on the corner of the device."-And it will record the Data on that Pokemon!"

Ok, even I had to admit that the Pokédex sounded really cool. I had never even heard of something like that before! Although, why she was telling us this and why there was three of them I couldn't quite connect.

"Which, of course, brings me to my request." Professor Juniper continued her speech. "I want you three to take these Pokedexes, and fill them up as much as you can. I would do it myself, but as i've gotten more busy I find I don't have the time to travel like I used to. However you three are young, and time is in your favor. If you do this for me, you will see all of Unova on your adventures, and meet many different Pokemon. And you may fill them however you wish as long as you do fill them up some!"

...All of Unova. Those three words caught my attention. Everything else faded into the background as I processed that. All of Unova, that would take a while, maybe even years. Maybe thats what she had Hiro do, if so then maybe thats why she wants to send me out too! My brother hadnt been seen in a year, so maybe if she sends someone he knows out, we can find him again!

But wait-

"Isn't that dangerous!?" I found my words leaving my mouth before I could think. I instantly felt three pairs of eyes snap in my direction, I must have spoke a little louder than intended. Feeling my face heat up, I stammered over my words as I tried to backtrack. "I-I mean, Theres tall grass and stuff and-and it would probably be dangerous to just get close to wild Pokemon with no protection-"

"Im aware of that, Hinata" Professor Juniper interrupted me. Her face seemed kind but still I felt my stomach drop. Surely i've upset her, I interrupted her and everything with a stupid complaint. Of course she knew it was dangerous, she was a professor!

"I-Im so sorry I didn't mean-" I tried to apologize, but she smiled almost apologetically and shook her head.

"No, no. I may have been too blunt, Hinata. Im not upset, in fact I knew you would ask that. What I meant to say was that I know it would be dangerous to go alone. Which is why I also have three little ones who would love to help you in this endeavor."

As she said this, she grabbed the Pokeballs as my friends gasped in realization. So I wasn't mistaken! We were getting Pokemon!

Professor Juniper threw the Pokeballs and out came three small Pokemon.

One of them was a serpent looking creature, with green and gold cascading down its body in an almost regal fashion. It narrowed its eyes at us as it seemed to stare deep into our souls. A grass type, even someone with no knowledge like me could see that. Shuddering, I looked away. That one was way too intense for my liking.

The second one I saw was one I recognized already, a Tepig. It had a small, stocky body covered in blotches of black and red, but orange was the color I saw the most of. Unlike the serpent, it seem lively, instantly running around in circles as it was freed, looking at all of us with eyes full of wonder. They seemed cute, but I couldn't look at it for long without feeling a pang in my heart. Hiro had chosen a Tepig as well, it just didn't feel right choosing the same Pokemon he did.

However, when I saw the third one, I couldn't help but smile. It was the smallest of the three Pokemon, and had already pulled away from the crowd, engrossed in throwing a shell in the air and catching it. It had a white head and small stubby arms, its blue body and feet complimenting the white rather well. Unlike the other two, who seemed either suspicious or curious of me and my friends. This one seemed to not even notice us.

Looking back over at my friends and the Professor, the Professor nodded in my direction with a curious spark in her eyes. "You three can pick any of these three you want to accompany you on your journey." She said.

Cheren and Bianca burst out at the same time, confusion mixed with adoration in their voices as they looked at the serpent and the pig. Smiling at them, I nodded my thanks to the Professor before once again turning my attention to the lone Pokemon in the corner. The Pokemon had stopped throwing the shell, and instead was staring at me with a tilted head. Looking back at the others for a moment, I slowly walked over, sitting down across the Pokemon.

"...Hey there..." I began, not really know how to speak to a Pokemon. Can they even understand people anyway? This one seemed to, as the moment I spoke it back up a little, not breaking eye contact with me. It seemed to think for a few seconds, before taking the shell in its hands, putting in on the floor, and kicking it over to me.

"Uh, What d'you want me to do with this?" I asked it. Why did it even give me the shell? Did it want me to hold it?

The Pokemon clapped its hands together, opening them wide afterwards. It didn't do much to help my confusion, but fortunately the Professor must have noticed, as I heard her walk over to me. Soon enough she was crouched beside me with a grin.

"He wants to play catch, Hinata." She explained the Pokemon's intent to me as she placed a hand on my shoulder. "Throw it to him."

"Okay?" I wasn't so sure, but she was much more aware of how Pokemon acted than I was, so I decided to take her advice. As gently as I could, I threw the shell at the Pokemon. The Pokemon caught it, before looking up at me with a look of pure joy I never thought something other than a human could express. The Pokemon proceeded to throw it back to me, his hands clapping together once again.

I threw it back, and then he did, then I did again. I don't really know how long the two of us kept that going. However, eventually he caught and simply placed it back on his stomach before waddling over to me. He looked up at me with expectant eyes and, cautiously, I reached out and placed my hand on top of his head. The Pokemon didn't turn away, and almost seemed to nuzzle into my hand.

"So you're choosing Oshawatt, Hinata?" I heard the voice of the Professor behind me.

Oshawatt...I didn't like that name. I didn't really know why, but it just felt off when I tried to say it. I decided to call it something else, and staring at the Pokemon below me I soon found the perfect name for him.

"Yeah but...I don't really wanna say Oshawatt every time I talk to you. Im gonna call you..."

For a second, I paused, considering if my idea was actually a good one, but for once I felt my gut feeling was actually correct.

"Seaburn"
 
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IFBench

Rescue Team Member
Location
Pokemon Paradise
Partners
  1. chikorita-saltriv
  2. bench-gen
  3. charmander
  4. snivy
  5. treecko
  6. tropius
  7. arctozolt
  8. wartortle
Here for my review exchange!

The prologue is really interesting! I'm really intrigued by the crypticness, especially with the last line about "destroying everything", and it's an excellent hook!

I'm really intrigued by the stuff in chapter 1 about Hiro. What happened to him? Why is Hinata going on a journey exactly a year after Hiro disappeared? What's in the north that made Hiro disappear? All questions I asked myself while reading this chapter.

Also, neat how Hinata seems to be taking the place of the BW protagonist. Given the stuff in the prologue, I wonder if what happened to Hiro is related to Team Plasma?

I really like the description in chapter 2! It's very vivid, and I can clearly picture the lab and the Pokemon. Nicely done!

I like how Hinata is scared about going on a journey. It makes sense, after what happened to his brother.

The scene at the end of chapter 2 with Seaburn was absolutely adorable! You've made me care about this Oshawott in only a few short paragraphs. Great job!

I'm extremely intrigued by all this so far, and really look forward to reading more!
 

Namohysip

Dragon Enthusiast
Staff
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. charizard
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. sceptile
  6. marowak
  7. jirachi
Hey there! I wound up taking a look at everything that was published so far here, so that'd be the prologue through chapter 2. Overall, I'd say this is a good start, especially for a young writer still getting familiar with the wonderful, terrible world of writing. Keep it up! For the most part, a lot of my feedback will be stream of thought as I go through the story from start to current, and I put some extra focus on grammar and syntax since there were a few common mistakes that are easy to fix with practice.

First one, there are two instances of lowercase "I'm" in the prologue. You might want to in general go through your chapters with a quick spellcheck or grammar check before submitting things to help with the basics. Grammarly or other online software can also help with this sort of thing and the free version is just fine for these kinds of things. Very useful at the start, until you begin spotting them on your own, and I think it even gives tips and reasons for why certain corrections are what they are.

One common grammar mistake that I'm also seeing here is the capitalization of words after commas, which in general you shouldn't do. I think, after checking the pattern more, what might be tripping you up in this regard is the fact that most of these capitalizations are happening after what should have been a period to begin with. In that case, you either want to use a semicolon if the two sentences are extremely related, or just a simple period to complete the thought.

Onto the story itself, though! Ahh, I'm starting to see the setup going on here. Interesting, so it looks like Hinata is actually the protagonist of the Black-White games, but with a few flairs here and there to make him more unique. That makes sense, especially since the protagonist is often such a blank slate. Kinda funny since the preamble opens saying that it isn't really a story about someone going for greatness, since it's based off of the protagonist of the games! I do think it's funny that "Hinata" is used here despite Unova being the first region not based on one in Japan, but that's just a meta funny thing.

In terms of style, your choice to open with the prologue some time far in the future during the story's climax was an interesting decision. I liked it because it suggests that things aren't going to go as they seem, though I wasn't able to totally get into the conversational style of the narrative. Would it then return to that style later when we get to that point? I doubt it, since that would be strange, but that's also generally how that kind of opening would go.

Small nitpick on describing an emotion: I'm not sure how to square the circle of having a feeling of "dread" while also feeling "numb," since it's hard to imagine having both at the same time.

I wonder, offhand, why Hinata's friends don't seem to react much to the way he feels about the professor or his past. After all, if they're such close friends, wouldn't that mean they were aware to some extent of his brother going missing a year ago to the same circumstances? It's quite a small town, after all, so I would have expected that to be mentioned or at least on their minds if that were the case.

The setup with the professor and the Pokemon choosing sequence was cute, and the thought process for what Pokemon he ended up picking made a lot of sense. It seemed like a good choice, though I do wonder about this chapter overall due to the fact that the main point of suspense—what the professor was calling him and his friends over for—was a strong foregone conclusion. After all, most who are reading this have probably already played or knew the basics of the game, right? So they kinda knew what the gist of this whole chapter was. It could do for more emotional meat, though I did appreciate having some of that with his choice to not pick Tepig. I also think that there would probably be a good time to mention Hinata's brother here from the professor? Or perhaps to the professor. After all, it's a bit of an elephant in the room right now.

And that's a finish for what's been published so far!

I'll say, this has been a nice and simple start. I think you almost have something going if you seize the potential of that added mystery. What you can do here is lean on that interview and perhaps set the tone that the prologue suggested more by maybe having a one on one conversation when his friends leave. Have him talk to the professor and maybe ask if she knows anything about his brother and where he is? Normally he would try to write or send a message over now and then, right? So if there isn't anything, they can talk about that, or if there's some greater conspiracy at play. That's one way to keep things interesting and distinct from just rewriting the game's plot, since that's the main difference between the two right now.

Overall, though, good start, and keep on writing and practicing!
 

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
Here for Review Blitz! HARK! A NEWBIE! FRESH FLESH! Okay I'm kiddling don't worry go easy on you. I read the prolouge and Chapter 1.

Nuzlockes aren't normally particularly my thing, But Unova is, so I am very curious about your setup. That operning in the prolouge in particular? very much my thing, the kiss of the chef as they say. It sets up the p[lot and sets the stage for intruige perfectly - we know things ARE going to go horribly wrong but the big, juicy question is HOW. Good, good stuff.

And then of course it segways into a typical start to a Unova adventure but that's not a bad thing really. We get to see the protagonist be surprised by the whole starter thing, You do this a little but I wanna see a little more of what sets your protagonist apart from the typical blank slate protagonist of Black And White and of Pokemon in genera - it's kind of important for a Nuzlockeslash journey fic.

You do a really good job with the descriptions too - they're very vivid and lovely. You say you're on the younger side and I can saftely saty that you, a smol, have better prose in that regard than me, an almost thirty something.

But also like, I am curious, how DOES this fic justify the Nuzlocke aspect? Because that'll affect my suspension of disbelief going forward. Is this "Pokemon battling is a massive bloodsport" (ew) or more of a "the protagionist is very very ubnlucky" kind of thiing? (better.) I suppose future chapters will answer that.

But cute start to your fic! I'm intrigued about more.
 
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