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Pokémon Pokemon: Legendary Adventures

Chapter 19: Breaking the Ice Fang

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Chapter 19: Breaking the Ice Fang

Koa has his sights set on teaching Rascal Ice Fang. But will he be successful?

Echo (Male Golbat)

Hazard (Male Joltik)

Rascal (Female Tyrunt)

Anubis (Male Houndoom)

Scrapper (Male Breloom)

Flurry (Female Spheal)



A blue furry ball shot past Koa as Flurry rolled several feet ahead, then circled around, kicking up dust as she rolled back towards him. Koa scrambled to the side, narrowly avoiding her rolling form. She stopped, panting, and squeaked at him, clearly pleased with her practice of the move Rollout.

Chuckling lightly, Koa shook his head. "You've been practicing Rollout all morning, Flurry. Do you want to try your other moves again?"

Her only reply was to tuck herself into a ball again and roll in a wide circle around him. Koa watched her, amused. He'd been traveling north on Route 210, enjoying the cool morning breeze and the company of his pokemon. It had been two days since he'd parted with Avis, and he'd spent most of the time practicing with Echo and the rest working with Flurry.

So far, she was capable of using Aqua Ring decently, and Defense Curl well enough. Then he'd taught her to use Rollout. Unfortunately, now he couldn't get her to stop using Rollout. Clearly rolling around at high speeds amused her thoroughly.

As she whirled around, she stopped by a patch of flowers. She sniffed them and squeaked in delight, clapping her fins together. Suddenly, she turned and rolled towards a patch of tall dense grass. "More flowers?" he asked curiously.

"Hiyaaahhh!" A boy leapt from the patch of dense grass and landed in front of Koa.

Koa flinched and stepped back, then scowled. Oh great. Another Ninja boy. "Yeesh! Do all of you guys like to scare people?" Flurry squeaked at the boy and bumped her nose against him in greeting.

The boy grinned and nodded. "Yeah! It's great ninja practice. My name's Davido, by the way. What's yours? And wow, is that Spheal? I thought those were only in the Hoenn region. That's awesome."

"Koamaru," he said, relaxing a little. "And yeah, her name is Flurry."

"Wanna battle?" Davido asked. "I've got two pokemon so far."

Koa glanced at his Poketch. It was a little past noon. He supposed a quick battle wouldn't be a bad idea. "Depends," he said. "My Spheal isn't used to battling yet, but I want to try and train her. Do you have anyone who isn't too strong?"

"Sure!" Davido replied. "I've got the perfect pokemon! Do you want to do a one on one then?"

"The sounds great."

The two trainers moved a fair distance away, facing each other. Davido pulled out a pokeball. "This won't take long." He tossed the pokeball out. A Wurmple appeared, wiggling its antenna and facing Koa determinedly. "This is the newest member of my team, Crim!"

"Cool!" Koa called. He recognized the bug as one commonly found in Hoenn, though they often migrated to Sinnoh and other regions. "Go Flurry!" he called. She rolled onto the battlefield and squeaked happily. "Ready Flurry?" She nodded her head, or rather, her whole body. He chuckled.

"How about you go first?" Davido offered.

Koa nodded. This would be her first battle, so he wanted to play it safe. "Defense Curl."

Flurry tucked her flippers close and her body glowed.

A smirk spread over Davido's face. "Crim, use Poison Sting!" Wurmple chittered and darted towards Flurry, the stingers on its tail shimmering purple.

Koa's eyes widened. "Dodge, Flurry!"

The Spheal tried to roll to the side. Unfortunately, she was a bit too late. Wurmple swung outwards with its tail, nicking Flurry in the side. She squeaked, flinching as poisoning began to take effect. Koa frowned. "Okay Flurry, Aqua Ring."

Tensing with determination, Flurry began to form a blue ring around her body. It took a few seconds before it finally took shape, forming a swirling vortex of rings around her round form. She flashed briefly as the small amount of health she'd lost was regained. It wasn't perfect, he speculated, but she was getting better with the technique.

"Alright Crim, Tackle, quick!" Wurmple darted forwards surprisingly quickly, crashing into Spheal with its body. She rolled several feet before stopping herself.

"Rollout!" It was the one move he'd practiced with her extensively in the past couple days. At her current stage, it was one of her best attacks.

She tucked her body into a tight ball and began spinning rapidly in place. She shot forward like a tiny, fluffy cannonball and smashed into Wurmple. It gave a soft churr as it was tossed backward. Flurry landed, then flinched as the poison took its toll. A moment later, Aqua Ring kicked in, restoring her.

"String Shot," Davido said. Wurmple swiftly shot a glob of sticky webbing at Flurry, covering half her body.

"Rollout, again," Koa said.

Spinning into a ball, Flurry rolled towards Wurmple, though she was a bit slower this time, giving Wurmple just enough to dodge. Flurry, however, simply circled back around and struck Wurmple from behind, sending it tumbling.

Davido gestured dramatically. "Bug Bite!" Wurmple reared up, a glow forming around its pincers. After a second, it finished preparing the attack and scuttled at the approaching Spheal. It sunk its pincers, landing a solid blow and darting backward.

"Rollout! Crush it." Koa commanded.

Flurry spun her body and shot towards Wurmple. At the same moment, Wurmple's body glowed brightly. Spheal crashed into its glowing form and bounced back, then stopped, watching in awe as Wurmple began to evolve. Its body shifted into an oval-like shape, then it grew a multitude of small spikes. The light faded, revealing a Cascoon.

"Wow!" David shouted. A big grin split his face. "Crim, you evolved!" The Cascoon narrowed its eyes in acknowledgment. "Alright Crim, String Shot."

"Rollout, dodge."

Flurry rolled awkwardly out of the way, still hampered by the webbing from earlier. Fortunately, Cascoon had shot wide and missed, still adjusting to its new form. Spheal rolled from behind, striking the immobile Cascoon. It tumbled once, then lay, unmoving. Which wasn't saying much, considering it was a Cascoon.

Davido jogged onto the battlefield. "You beat me," he said, smiling. "But I don't care. Crim, you evolved!" Cascoon opened its eyes and blinked at its trainer. Davido looked up at Koa and smiled even wider. "Thanks, Koamaru!" He picked up the Cascoon awkwardly, holding it carefully.

Koa nodded. "Congratulations."

"That was a great battle," Davido said. He held out his hand and Koa shook it. "So how long have you had Spheal?"

"I've had her since she was an egg, actually," Koa said. "She just hatched two days ago."

"Awesome! You raised her from an egg?" His eyes were wide with awe. "That's amazing. How did you get so good with her Rollout attack?"

"Practice," Koa said with a grin. "I've been doing drills with her every time I stop to rest. And even when I'm walking, I'll have her practice too." It certainly hadn't been easy, but it had been a lot of fun. He liked having the happy little Spheal by his side. She butted her head against his leg, and he chuckled. "Most of the credit goes to her though. Once I taught her Rollout, I couldn't get her to stop practicing."

"That's great! You know what? I'm gonna work on helping Crim evolve again. Soon I'll have a Dustox on my team." Cascoon gave a chirp of agreement. "I'm gonna go train more now! Thanks for the battle." With a grin and a wave, Davido disappeared.

Koa blinked. How on earth did ninjas do that? He shrugged it off. It had been a good battle. Flurry had been awkward and uncertain, but she'd performed well. He scooped her up into his arms. "That was great, Flurry," he said. She squeaked delightedly. Koa patted her, then began combing the remnants of webbing off her fur as he started walking. It was going to be a good day.

xXx

Koa whistled as he strode down the path. The afternoon was pleasant, and he was enjoying the fresh air. A breeze blew towards him, coming down from the canyons ahead. Hazard rode on his head, Echo flew overhead, and Scrapper followed behind. Anubis stuck close to Koa's side, his gaze never straying far from Flurry. The little Spheal had taken to rolling under Anubis feet ever so often, causing the Houndoom to trip, but he didn't seem to mind. It seemed his protective streak had extended to the new baby of the group.

Rascal was the farthest ahead, and she constantly glanced back to make sure Koa was following. Koa grinned at her. "I bet you're really excited to learn Ice Fang, huh?" she nodded and trotted further ahead.

By now he had left behind the grassy fields and sparse forests and entered rocky hills and high canyons. He picked up his pace slightly. Grandma Wilma's cabin was not much farther now, he was sure. Cade had mentioned she lived at the northernmost point of Route 212.

He'd been walking for nearly a day now, though his progress was slower than usual since he stopped often to squeeze in more training, particularly for Echo, Hazard and Scrapper. If all went well, the three of them would be battling in the gym at Veilstone.

In the distance a rocky cliff rose up, stretching into the sky. To his left, he was blocked by more rock walls. The cliff ahead of him was his best bet, he figured. It was technically the northernmost point before Route 210. He'd have to climb the wall though if she was really up there. "Hey Echo, can you fly ahead to that cliff and see if there's anything up there?"

Echo gave a screech of acknowledgment and flew ahead. Koa continued walking as he waited for the Golbat to return. He figured he still had about a half-hour of walking to reach the base of the cliff.

Not long before he reached the cliff, Echo returned. He squeaked excitedly and fluttered around his head. "So there's something up there?" Echo squeaked again and did a loop. Koa grinned. Perfect. So all he had to do was climb this cliff.

He stared up at it. By his estimate, it stood about 40 feet tall. Higher than the wall at the Trainers License exam, but not a problem. He returned all his pokemon, save for Hazard and Echo, then placed his hands on the wall. A series of cracks and niches dotted the wall. It would be a challenge, but far from impossible.

So he began the climb. Going was slow, but he made steady progress. Occasionally, he would find himself stuck, just shy of the next handhold. Echo would grab his shoulders, help give him a boost, and he would continue. Finally, after what felt like an hour, but was much shorter, he grasped the edge of the cliff and pulled himself up. He let out a triumphant sigh and sat down.

A wide stretch of rocky ground spread before him. More rocky walls rose around on three sides, though not nearly as high. In the distance, a small house stood as the lone building on the plateau. That had to be it. Grandma Wilma's cabin. He released Rascal and pointed towards the house. "There it is buddy! You're gonna learn Ice Fang soon." Rascal grinned and snapped her jaws together in delight.

With his Tyrunt at his side, he jogged towards the house. Just as he was about to knock on the door, he saw a golden comet shoot into the sky from somewhere behind the house. He paused and traced its path with his eyes as it rose high into the air. Curious, he walked around the back of the house. He watched in awe as the golden orb detonated in the sky, raining a shower of meteors on the ground. Each exploded with enough force to send tremors through the ground. What power! That had to be Draco Meteor.

He glanced around the area. It was large, easily the size of a gym battlefield. Far towards one end, an old woman stood next to a Dragonite, patting its golden scales and saying something to it. She had silvery gray hair and wore a pink kimono-like robe. That had to be Grandma Wilma.

"Hello!" he called, striding over. He gazed in awe as he approached. He'd never seen a Dragonite in person, but they were incredibly impressive. Had that been the pokemon who used Draco Meteor? Wilma looked up and he waved to her.

She waved back and smiled before turning back to Dragonite. "Excellent work, Dragonite. You've finally gotten a handle on Draco Meteor." Dragonite let out a happy trill and nuzzled her. She chuckled and stroked him before turning back to Koa. "Hello there young man." Her gaze traveled to Rascal. "And hello there, young Tyrunt. You are quite an impressive little one, aren't you?" she cooed. Rascal growled happily, preening under the compliment.

"Hey," Koa said, grinning. "My name is Koamaru. This is Rascal." He held out his hand.

She shook it, and smiled up at him. His gaze drifted to Dragonite. He'd seen them in videos before, but never in person. They were bigger than he expected, he realized. This one stood over six feet tall. Its golden scales shone in the sunlight, and its blue eyes gleamed. It rumbled and put out a claw, patting his shoulder. He patted its claw in greeting. "Sick..." he murmured. "A Dragonite! Is this your pokemon?"

"Oh no, this young one belongs to another trainer. I am just teaching it the basics of Draco Meteor," Wilma replied.

"Where did they catch it? I didn't think there were any in Sinnoh." Seeing the Dragonite reminded him he still wanted to catch a dragon of his own. Garchomp was still at the top of his list, but it couldn't hurt to at least consider another dragon. Rascal might have been dragon-type, but a flying dragon...

"You have a good eye, Koamaru. Dragonite are very rare here in Sinnoh." Wilma smiled, clearly pleased to discuss anything dragon-related. "They are virtually impossible to find. I believe this trainer traveled here from Johto. Though I do suspect Mt. Coronet may have one or two."

Koa nodded thoughtfully. He was far from convinced he wanted to catch a Dragonite, given that he knew Lance and quite a few other trainers were famous for them. He preferred something more unique. Cynthia was the only prominent trainer he knew with a Garchomp.

"So what can I do for you?" Wilma asked. "Are you here to teach her Draco Meteor?" She gestured toward Rascal.

Koa shook his head. "No, actually. A Dragon Tamer named Cade told me about you. I was hoping you could help me teach her her Ice Fang."

At that, Wilma's eyebrows rose. "Ice Fang? Hmm..." she tapped her chin, then knelt in front of Rascal, staring into her eyes. Rascal stared back intensely. Wilma looked up at him. "Has your Tyrunt been raised from a fossil?"

Koa nodded. "Yeah. I asked Professor Rowan and he told me there's a chance she has the ability to learn the move."

To his delight, Wilma nodded. "Rowan is correct. You see, during the revival process, certain latent genes are activated. It is-"

Koa gulped nervously. He really wasn't in the mood for a lecture on the biology of fossil pokemon. Though if it meant getting tutored, he supposed he would endure almost anything.

Wilma paused and shook her head, chuckling to herself. "Well, I'll spare you the scientific details. Suffice to say, with a bit of training, your Tyrunt could theoretically access any of its 'egg' moves. Naturally, it may be harder to learn some moves than others, but since she's a first-generation fossil pokemon, she does have the capability."

"So that's a yes?"

Wilma nodded.

A wide grin spread across Koa's face. "Sick!" He turned to Rascal. "You hear that girl? We're finally going to learn Ice Fang!" She roared happily and jumped up and down. "When do we begin?" he asked, facing Wilma.

"First, I must contact this Dragonite's trainer." At that, Dragonite trilled happily. "Then, we can begin."

xXx

"Come with me," Wilma instructed.

Koa scrambled up from the rock he'd been sitting on, waiting. He'd spent the better part of an hour waiting for Wilma to finish some kind of 'preparation' for their training. Rascal raced ahead of him, staring eagerly at Wilma. He followed her, past her house and across the training grounds. As he drew near the cliff face, he noted the mouth of a large cave ahead. She stopped in front of it.

"You must venture into the cave with only your Tyrunt-"

"Is there a TM for Ice Fang?" he blurted. "Or will there be a super powerful pokemon-"

"No!" Wilma snapped. She gave him a glare that could stop a rampaging Dragonite. He shut his mouth. She continued. "First, tell me. What is ice?"

Koa sighed inwardly. Great. Philosophy. Another one of his not strong suits. "It's water... in solid form. Right?" he asked.

Wilma chuckled and shook her head. She seemed amused by his statement, though her eyes remained full of patience. "Young man, just because that is what it is made of, doesn't mean that is all it is."

Koa blinked. What? He pondered the thought for a moment. Her weird philosophy kinda reminded him of Kitto. Now that he thought about it, Kitto would probably have an answer to this too. "So what is it then?"

Wilma gestured to the cave mouth. "That is what you must find out. Your task is to enter the cave, reach the end, and find ice, and bring it to me. As you travel, you must think about the nature of ice. By the time you come back, I expect an answer."

"Find ice?" Koa asked, perplexed. Sure, it was mildly cool out, but it was nowhere near cold enough for ice to form. And even if he did find it, how would he carry it? Surely it would melt by the time he left the cave. He was about to protest when he felt a tug on his pants. Rascal was glaring at him. She yanked his pants again, hard enough to make him stagger. "Alright," he grumbled. He followed her for a few steps before turning back to Wilma. "You're not gonna explain yourself, are you?"

A wide grin cracked across her face, showing off years of wrinkled laugh lines. "No. Now hurry along!"

Rascal nearly yanked his legs out from under him this time, so he quickly turned and stumbled after her. "You know you could have just asked," he said playfully. She growled and butted her head against his leg. Koa shook his head and patted her, before focusing his attention ahead.

He could think of worse things to do than explore caves, he supposed. Although this one appeared to be more tunnel than cave. A wide path stretched before him, with no discernible branching pathways. The walls looked smooth, which made him think it had once been a Steelix tunnel. Rascal raced ahead of him, glancing back occasionally as if demanding he hurry up.

At least he didn't have to sit on a rock and meditate. As pleased as he was with the result, the experience felt like it nearly killed him. He'd rather swim through an underground cave system or face Entei again... The Thing's cold eyes flashed through his mind and he shivered. Scratch that. He never wanted to face that Thing again.

"What do you think, Rascal? Are there more than one Entei?" It felt kind of ridiculous, asking his pokemon a question like that. But wouldn't they know best of all?

Rascal merely snorted and continued plodding along. Koa got the feeling she was much more focused on figuring out how to learn Ice Fang. Koa shook his head and refocused his thoughts. He had a task to complete. Contemplate the nature of ice. Whatever that meant.

"What does that even mean? Think about the nature of ice?" he grumbled out loud. Wasn't ice just cold water solidified though? Fire was fire, water was water, and ice was ice. It seemed awfully straightforward. Unless... he traced his hands along the cave walls. A thought began to form in the back of his mind. The cave walls were made of rock. The ground was dirt. But he was well aware that pokemon techniques were different from the 'elements', so to speak. Getting shocked by Joltik wasn't the same as sticking your finger in an outlet and getting shocked. So maybe...

"Rascal, I think I've got it!"

Rascal glanced back at him but kept walking.

"I think that she wasn't talking about ice like the stuff in a cold drink, you know?" His mind began racing, connecting his jumble of thoughts. "It's like... like pokemon's attacks are special. So Houndour using a Flamethrower is different than a wildfire, you know? So maybe ice is different. Like..." he struggled to unravel his thoughts. He was sure he was onto something.

A roar from Rascal distracted him. He looked up. The tunnel they had been following for the past several minutes had opened up into a large cavern. Stalactites made of bluish-gray stone peeped from the ceilings and small pools of water gathered in between stalagmites. The room felt cool, though not chilly. He was reminded of the caves in Mt Coronet. There, in the center of the room, was a most peculiar sight. A single chunk of ice rested on a flat-topped rock.

Koa frowned. That should be impossible. The cave wasn't nearly cold enough to keep a piece of ice from melting. Cautiously, he approached it. As he drew near, he realized it was indeed a shard of ice, roughly the size of a large Oran berry. Rascal nudged it with her snout. Almost instantly, she jerked back and shivered. Koa placed his hand on it. A chill spread through his body and he shivered. What on earth was this thing?

Hesitantly, he picked it up. It was lighter than he expected, maybe only as heavy as a Zubat. It was also cold to the touch, even in his hands. But most curious of all, it wasn't melting. In fact, it felt like he was holding a cold rock. "Weird..." he muttered. Yet familiar. Hadn't he read about something like this before? A chunk of ice that never-

He smacked himself on the head and laughed. Rascal nudged him and looked up at him, concerned. "I'm an idiot! It's a piece of NevermeltIce!" he burst out. His voice echoed through the cavern. Rascal cocked her head. The look in her eyes seemed to ask 'So what? How does that help me learn Ice Fang?'

Koa wasn't sure about that, but he did know what NevermeltIce was. An ultra rare shard of a mysterious ice-like substance that, like the name implied, never melted. They could be given to pokemon to enhance the power of ice-type moves. This had to be the object Wilma wanted him to retrieve. But why?

Cradling it against his jacket to stave off the cold, he started back for the exit, contemplating the strange object in his hands. The coldness, coupled with the lack of it melting, was a peculiar sensation. His thoughts returned to his earlier revelation. Up until now, he'd thought of ice like water, except solid. But maybe it was different. Maybe... "Maybe ice isn't frozen water any more than water is liquid ice."

At that, Rascal, who until now had strayed pretty far ahead of him, stopped and turned around. For perhaps the first time since he started rambling, she seemed to take notice. Was he onto something?

"Ice isn't just water. Ice is its own thing." He looked down at the NeverMeltIce in his arms as he continued walking. It hadn't melted yet (obviously). But he was beginning to understand, barely. Rascal moved closer to his side. He held out the Ice to her. She took it in her jaws carefully. "See what I mean, Rascal? It's not just solid water." A grin spread across his face. "Let's go Rascal! I think that's the answer!"

He broke into a run, Rascal sprinting alongside him. In a few minutes, the tunnel grew lighter and he saw the entrance ahead of him. He burst into daylight, shielding his eyes from the sun. Once his vision had readjusted to the bright light, he looked around. In the distance, he spotted a lone figure waiting, flanked by a large green dragon.

As he approached, he identified the figure as Wilma. A slender, bipedal dragon stood next to her. Though it dwarfed her in height, its slender build made it appear less intimidating. Emerald scales covered its body and ruby scales edged its diamond shaped wings. As he approached, it greeted him with a sonorous cry.

"Sick! A Flygon!" he said. He held out his hand, and Flygon lowered its head to nuzzle his hand. He turned to Wilma. "Is it another pokemon you're training?"

Wilma chuckled. "Oh no, this is my Flygon. My pride and joy. I've raised him from an egg."

"Whoa..." It was hard to imagine raising a pokemon, all the way from an egg to the majestic dragon that stood before him. Of course, he supposed eventually Spheal would be powerful Walrein one day. He couldn't wait.

"So tell me, Koamaru, what did you find?"

Rascal dropped the NevermeltIce and Koa scooped it into his arms. "We found this! And I think I understand the nature of ice," he said proudly. "Or at least, I understand it a little bit."

"Good. Tell me."

"Well, I used to think ice was just water, in solid form. But I think for pokemon, it's more than that. Ice isn't just water, any more than water is liquid ice. I think that Ice is really its own element. Like how this NevermeltIce doesn't melt and turn into water."

Wilma began to nod, a proud smile stretching across her face. "Excellent work, Koamaru! I must say, I am surprised. Not all trainers are given to be deep thinkers."

"So you will teach us Ice Fang?"

"Not yet. First, you must defeat Flygon in battle. If you can do that, then you will learn Ice Fang."

"What?" Koa exploded. Realizing how rude he sounded, he bit his tongue. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. But I thought you would teach us after I went into the cave. I brought back the NevermeltIce, like you said."

"I never said any such thing," Wilma said simply, smiling. "So, are you ready to battle Flygon?"

"Of course!" Koa said quickly. He could feel his heart racing. Rascal could use another battle, plus he didn't think Flygon were known for being very strong defensively. He was sure Rascal could take it.

"Excellent. You may have the first move."

Koa grinned and moved to spot a fair distance away. "Ready, Rascal?" She nodded and roared, a grin of delight stretching over her face. His gaze shifted to Flygon. He knew they were dragon and ground types, like Garchomp. This meant that Ice-type was effective, followed by Fairy and Dragon types. Utilizing Rascal's Dragon Tail would be a good idea if he could land the blow.

But first, he needed to get a good hit. "Ancient Power!" Koa called.

Rascal summoned the sphere of silver energy and shot it towards Flygon. Flygon rose into the air with a flutter of its wings, nimbly dodging the attack.

"Again!" Koa snapped. Once more, Rascal used Ancient Power, firing it upwards at Flygon. The attack only grazed it and Flygon zipped out of the way, letting out an echoing cry. A sudden silver glow swirled around Rascal. Well, that was good. He'd read that Ancient Power had the very rare chance to raise all of the user's stats at once. Of course, it wouldn't do any good unless she landed an attack.

"Sandstorm," Wilma said calmly. It beat its wings, summoning a cloud of swirling sand. The cloud obscured the Flygon from sight completely.

Koa scowled. The move wouldn't do any harm to Rascal, thanks to her partial rock-typing. But it would make launching attacks harder. As it stood, he could barely see Flygon through the swirling veil of sand, and he suspected it would make things harder for Rascal as well.

"Alright Rascal, get into that Sandstorm and use it for cover. Then try and attack with Dragon Tail."

Rascal nodded and darted into the sandstorm. In the storm, he could just make out the faintest outline of Rascal. Her tail glowed green as she prepared her attack. Then, he heard Wilma's voice. "Dragon Claw." There was a blur of green scales and suddenly Flygon was there, directly behind Rascal. It struck out and slashed at Rascal with a glowing claw. She roared as she was knocked to the ground. She quickly got to her feet, but Flygon had vanished back into the storm.

Koa scowled. "Dragon Tail, one more time."

Rascal growled and darted back into the storm. Once again she prepared the attack, and one more, he saw Flygon strike from behind. Koa stared. How did it always know where to strike? Even with the cover of the storm, he couldn't imagine how it always knew how to attack from behind. Rascal's tail began to glow, and then it struck Koa.

"Wait!" he shouted. Rascal stopped and looked at him curiously. "Your tail..." he said quietly. "She knows where you are because of the glow." A slow grin spread over his face. He knew exactly how to get Flygon.

"Listen up, Rascal," he said. Rascal cocked her head towards him. Koa quickly whispered his plan.

A malicious grin spread over Rascal's face and she raced into the sandstorm. A few seconds later, he saw her tail lit up as she used Dragon Tail. The swirling sand shifted slightly and Flygon dived at Rascal. As the sands parted slightly, he got a perfect view of both pokemon.

Once again, Flygon had lunged for Rascal's back. Except it wasn't her back. She had turned so that her tail was facing forwards, luring Flygon into attacking her from the front. Where she waited, jaws open. Ice formed around her jaws. Koa gasped. She leaped into the air and snapped her jaws shut on Flygon in a near-perfect use of Ice Fang.

The sandstorm died down as Flygon wailed in pain. Rascal tossed her to the ground and landed, snarling. Koa couldn't help himself from grinning wildly. "Rascal, you did it! That was sick!" he yelled.

Rascal's snarl died in her throat. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, as if she just realized what she pulled off. She roared happily and did a little dance, her eyes lighting up.

Meanwhile, Flygon pushed itself to its feet, shaking. Koa smirked. "Ready to end this, Rascal?" She nodded and faced Flygon, who was still trembling.

"Earth Power!" Wilma called. A golden glow wrapped around its body.

"Jump!" Koa shouted.

At the last second, Rascal leaped forwards, narrowly missing getting struck by an eruption of golden energy from the ground. Koa had a feeling if it hadn't been for Ancient Power's earlier boost, it wouldn't have worked as well. She sailed through the air towards Flygon. "Ice Fang!"

Her jaws shimmered with icy power. Flygon fluttered its wings in an attempt to get away, but Rascal succeeded in catching its tail in her jaws. It let out a melodic cry, then staggered away almost dramatically.

As Koa watched, the Flygon clutched its chest with one claw, threw its head back, then flung itself on the ground and stuck out its tongue. Rascal clocked her head and stared at Flygon, perplexed.

Wilma shook her head. "A bit overkill, don't you think Emerald?"

The Flygon cracked one eye open, then popped to its feet, shaking itself and looking completely unfazed.

Rascal huffed and let out a low growl, while Koa frowned. Had it been faking the whole time? "Hey what gives?"

"I must apologize for my Flygon," she called. "He has a tendency to be quite dramatic." Emerald let out a pleased trill. Wilma simply rolled her eyes affectionately before taking out a pokeball and returning him. She trotted across the battlefield with surprising nimbleness considering her age. "Well done, Koamaru. You fared excellently in that battle."

"But I didn't win," he pointed out.

Wilma rolled her eyes. "Ah, sometimes I forget what young trainers are like. You know, there's more to pokemon than just battling and winning. Did you forget that I raised that Flygon from when he was an egg? I have had him for many years now."

Kos blushed furiously. Looking back, it was quite silly to have expected to beat her. Wilma wasn't considered an expert for nothing. But even if they'd lost, Rascal had still been successful. "Thank you," he said. He stared at Rascal, who looked to be in shock. "So why now?" Sure, it wasn't uncommon for pokemon to learn moves on the fly. But this had felt different. "I mean, we were working on that move for days. What changed?"

Wilma chuckled and motioned for them to follow her. She started back towards her house. "You tell me what changed?"

Koa stared at her. He had no idea how to reply.

"Some people believe being a pokemon trainer means teaching a pokemon a move and then sending them into battle. Others believe learning a new move simply entails using a TM or hours of drills. But being a trainer isn't just about standing back and declaring 'you know what to do'. Tell me, why do pokemon fight?"

"To... become stronger?" Koa said. "Pokemon fight in the wild among themselves to grow strong."

Wilma nodded. "True. But is it not true that there are no wild pokemon stronger than a trainer's pokemon?"

After a moment's thought, Koa nodded in agreement. Barring actual Legendaries, a wild pokemon's strength could always be exceeded by a strong enough trainer. It was part of the reason wild pokemon often sought out trainers. "Yeah."

"Why do you think that is?" Wilma asked. They reached her house and she led him inside. He took a seat at her table and she trotted to the kitchen.

"Well, trained pokemon have more experience I guess." He was sure there was something more though. A good trainer could make any pokemon great. He remembered how hard Echo had battled, despite not evolving. "I think... pokemon training is about people and pokemon working together. And... When they do that, pokemon get stronger because," he paused to consider his next words. "People give them strength."

"Precisely," Wilma said, flashing a proud smile. "You are beginning to understand. There are many mysteries surrounding Pokemon. But we do know that people and pokemon are linked very closely. What affects a trainer can affect a pokemon, and vice versa."

Koa looked at Rascal, who had curled up on the floor beside him. "Are you saying that because I understand more about... 'ice'," he airquoted the word, "that meant she was able to properly use it in battle?"

Wilma shrugged. "In a manner of speaking, yes. A long time ago, early scientists believed classifications for a pokemon such as 'fire' or 'water' were nothing more than vague descriptions of biological factors."

Koa nodded, doing his best to really focus. Science and history had never been his strongest suit (unless it was about a legendary pokemon), but he also recognized how important Wilma's wisdom could be.

She continued. "Of course, now most researchers realize that isn't true. These 'types' actually go far beyond our understanding. Have you ever wondered why a 'normal' attack can't hurt a ghost? Or what exactly is a 'fairy' type?"

Koa blinked, then shook his head. "No." The exact why's were something he had never really questioned deeply. The Trainers Licensing Exams covered what's, not why's. Which was all he had really been interested in.

"The simplest way to explain is that pokemon are beings of energy. An energy that surpasses everything we know about our world. As you discovered for yourself today, ice for a pokemon is a form of that energy. Not just cold water or low temperatures." She paused briefly, as if thinking. Koa leaned forward, more than fascinated by now. "If anything, our ice is a shallow copy of theirs. A shadow, if you will."

"... Huh." Was all Koa could think to say. Her words rattled around in his head for several moments as he tried to wrap his mind around her statements. "A pokemon's moves are kind like the original versions of everything in our world then?"

Wilma nodded appreciatively. "Yes, that is surely a good way of describing it."

"So then the battle today was just a test?" he asked.

"Not quite. There are a great many ways to grow and learn new attacks. I have been a teacher for several years, and I simply had a feeling a battle would help push both of you. Nothing stimulates a pokemon more than being pushed to their limits, then pushing past them."

"Thanks," Koa said earnestly. His mind was still reeling with everything she had said. For now, though, he felt satisfied. He was growing stronger every day. So were his pokemon. It wouldn't be long now before he would have all of his badges.

xXx

"Thank you again for everything," Koa said. He stood with Wilma not far from the edge of the cliff he'd climbed to reach her cabin.

"Oh, you're welcome my dear. I always love the chance to teach young trainers and their pokemon. So what are your plans now?"

"Celestic Town," Koa said. "I've always wanted to see the ruins there."

"An excellent choice. I think you will enjoy seeing the ruins greatly. Incidentally, do you have any plans for the journey there?"

Koa gave her a quizzical look. "No..." he said slowly.

"I was planning on flying into town this week," Wilma said. "Perhaps you would care to accompany me. It would save you the trouble of walking."

His eyes lit up. "That would be great!"

Wilma smiled, clearly pleased. "Then it's decided. You can borrow my Flygon. I shall ride on my Garchomp." She reached into her kimono, producing two pokeballs. She released the pokemon and a Garchomp and Flygon materialized before his eyes. The Flygon was the same as the one he'd battled, but the Garchomp was new to him.

He stared in awe at the Garchomp. "You have a Garchomp too?" he asked, shocked.

"Of course!" She replied, almost sounding offended. "How do you think I got so good with Dragon-types?"

"Well," he blushed, feeling a little embarrassed. He decided not to finish his sentence. Otherwise, he'd have to admit he'd underestimated her because of her age. Of course she had other pokemon.

She chuckled heartily. "Don't worry, Koamaru. I'm hardly offended. I know I don't look like much. I am pretty old after all," she added with a wink. "My traveling days may be over, but I am still a trainer at heart."

"What other pokemon do you have?" he asked curiously.

Wilma sighed, staring wistfully into the distance. "I have Flygon. His name is Emerald, if you wanted to know. As you see I also have Garchomp here."

"May I?" Koa asked, holding out his hand. He'd never had a chance to be this close to a Garchomp before, save for his brief glimpse of Cynthia's.

Wilma nodded. "Go right ahead. He's quite friendly."

As she spoke, Garchomp dipped his head and nuzzled Koa's outstretched hand. He smiled and scratched him under the chin. "Does he have a nickname as well?"

Wilma coughed, then chuckled, looking away. "Well, I don't use it much, but yes he does. I call him Fluffy."

Koa choked and stared at her. "What?" he yelped. He cleared his throat. "Why Fluffy?" he asked, flabbergasted.

"You see, Garchomp here was the very first pokemon I ever owned. When I was quite young, my parents got him for me as a gift. But I was quite set on owning a Swablu. I was quite ungrateful back then. So out of spite, I named my Gible Fluffy. The name stuck."

Garchomp rolled his eyes, though the affection in his gaze was evident.

Koa couldn't help but laugh. It was hard to imagine a very young Wilma, probably 10 years old, angrily naming her new Gible 'Fluffy'.

Wilma continued speaking. "I eventually caught the Swablu I always wanted. Ended up naming her Cirrus. And I have a Salamence."

"Whoa," Koa breathed. "You have them now?"

"Oh no, Altaria and Salamence don't stay with me anymore. Once I stopped traveling, I let them go their own way." A faraway look filled her eyes. "But they still visit quite often. Many of my pokemon roam the wilderness now in fact."

Koa blinked in awe. It was hard to imagine that he'd be as old as Wilma one day. What would he do? Would he give up traveling? Would he have a team full of legendaries by then? He chuckled inwardly at the thought of his old self, hobbling around with a cane, a Palkia or Rayquaza chilling in his backyard. Well, probably not Palkia. Perhaps a Zekrom?

"Well, enough chatter. Are you ready to go?"

Koa nodded, his heart beating a little faster.

A few minutes later, both dragon-types had been outfitted with their custom saddles. Wilma swung into Garchomp's saddle with surprising ease. "Now, take a moment to get to know Flygon, then climb into the saddle."

Excitement pounded in Koa's heart. He reached his hand out, and Flygon pressed his snout into it. His scales were smooth and warm to the touch. They were surprisingly soft as well. He gazed into his eyes, shielded by transparent red orbs. It gave him an almost bug-like appearance. "It's nice to meet you, Emerald."

The Flygon gave a low, sonorous cry and fluttered his wings. Koa took that as a sign of approval. He stepped close to Flygon's side, braced his foot against the saddle, and swung into it rather clumsily. After a few seconds, he got himself situated.

"Ready?" Wilma called. He looked up. To his surprise, Garchomp was already in the air, circling above them. Before he could respond, Emerald fluttered his wings and shot into the sky. Koa's stomach lurched and he grabbed the handles on the saddle. His knuckles turned white as Emerald rose into the air. For a second, he felt sick. The world around him became a blur of white, blue, and brown. His heart thundered in his chest and his breath caught in his throat. Then Emerald evened out and-

He was soaring. The world around him fell away as Emerald began to glide smoothly through the air. The wind whipped his jacket and ruffled his hair as he soared through the sky. Ahead, Garchomp glided through the air like a Sharpedo through the water. Koa gazed all around, eyes wide. Below him, canyons and rocky hills cut through by swirling rivers swept by. Off to his right, a flock of Starly and Staravia skipped through air currents as easily as fish through water. He threw his hands into the air and let out a joyous cry. It was echoed by a harmonious shriek from Emerald.

Koa laughed. A loud, reckless laugh. He'd seen people fly with their pokemon before. And he'd flown on Avis' Staraptor once. But that was completely different. This was pure freedom. Soaring like this, on the back of a dragon. There was nothing like it. He leaned down to stroke Emerald's neck. "You're awesome!" he shouted. Emerald trilled happily.

Still grinning madly, he sat back in the saddle. His worries about the Entei seemed so far away now. Up here, everything seemed simple. In the distance, Mt. Coronet's peak loomed, an ever-present reminder of his goal. Except now it felt closer than ever. All he had to do was...

Unconsciously, he reached out his hand towards the peak. He could almost touch it. A rumble from Emerald drew him from his thoughts. The Flygon tilted his wings and began to spiral into a descent, following Garchomp. Feeling a bit disappointed, Koa put his hands back on the saddle to steady himself.

All too soon, the sensation was gone. Emerald coasted into a landing next to Garchomp. Koa took in his surroundings, which felt a bit dull after the sensation of flying. They stood at the edge of a path that led into a sprawling valley between small foothills of the Coronet mountains. He could see a scattering of houses and a pokemon center tucked into the valley, and pools of clear lakes dotted about.

"We're here," Wilma said.

Her voice jarred Koa from his thoughts. He looked over to her, but words never came to his mouth.

"There's nothing quite like the first time flying, is there?" she asked.

Koa managed to shake his head. Wilma chuckled, stroking both dragons. Still a bit dazed, he slid out of the saddle and immediately staggered. Despite the short flight, standing on solid ground again felt weird. "That... was.." his mind fumbled for words as he leaned against Emerald's side. "Sick."

He gazed reverently at the Flygon and stroked her side. "Thank you so much, Wilma."

She nodded, then took out two pokeballs and returned the dragons. "Perhaps you should consider a dragon of your own, Koamaru."

He nodded emphatically. "I've been wanting one forever!" he said. "I would love to catch a Gible one day. Or any dragon," he said after some consideration. Gible was still on his list but... Flygon was cool! They all were.

"Then I wish you the best of luck. May Arceus bless you." She dipped her head to him. "Now, if you will excuse me, I must get to my errands. It was a pleasure. Be sure to visit if you do catch another dragon."

"Yeah," Koa agreed. "I will. Goodbye, Wilma."

She waved to him, then walked down the path towards town. Koa sank to the ground and sighed. What an experience. His mind whirled as he contemplated everything that happened over the past few hours. Rascal learning Ice Fang, understanding ice, flying for the first time...

It was difficult to wrap his mind around. It certainly made him wonder. Had Rascal really been able to learn the move because of his newfound understanding? His thoughts turned to Anubis, saving him from the Thing. By all rights, Anubis should have been badly injured, or worse. Yet he'd survived. And saved Koa's life. Pokemon... humans... Wilma was right, they were connected in ways not even people like Professor Rowan understood yet. As confusing as it was to think about, it was comforting as well. With pokemon by his side, nothing was impossible.


Echo (Male Golbat)

Hazard (Male Joltik)

Rascal (Female Tyrunt)

Anubis (Male Houndoom)

Scrapper (Male Breloom)

Flurry (Female Spheal)

Koa and Rascal have mastered Ice Fang together.

I had quite a bit of fun back when I wrote this, since it was a chance to delve into a bit of my HC's about the pokemon world and how techniques and moves work, as well as the unique bond people and pokemon share. Often the knowledge of strength of the trainer can be the catalyst to help a pokemon surpass their limits...
 
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Chapter 20: An Electrifying Encounter

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Chapter 20: An Electrifying Encounter

In other news, Koa successfully mastered Ice Fang thanks to Wilma. Now he goes to Celestic to see some ruins. But a few surprises await him...

Echo (Male Golbat)

Hazard (Male Joltik)

Rascal (Female Tyrunt)

Anubis (Male Houndoom)

Scrapper (Male Breloom)

Flurry (Female Spheal)

Shoutout to Hawkosa on deviantart. He helped inspire the character Kitto, and has inspired many of this story's battle scenes. Go check out his art!



Koa stared wistfully at the sky as he walked the short path to Celestic Town. His thoughts were far off, reveling in his memories of flying. He wanted to burn the experience into his mind so he would never forget it. As he drew near to Celestic Town, he tucked the memories away and took in the sights.

Celestic Town was tiny, compared even to Floaroma Town. The entire town fit easily into the small valley it was set in. No real roads led through the town, instead, faintly worn paths wove through buildings and around trees. In the very center of the town, he could just catch a glimpse of the shrine, one of the landmarks the town was so well known for. It stood in a piece of hollowed earth, set several yards lower than the rest of the town. North of the shrine, he could see the Research Center and the ruins for which the town was so well known. The air smelled fresh, and without any city noises such as those in Jubilife or Hearthome, it felt relaxing. All in all, Celestic Town was a pleasant place.

Although the ruins were high on his list of places to visit while he was here, first on his list was the pokemon center. He wanted to stay at least the night in Celestic Town. It wasn't very big, but he didn't want to rush himself. Fortunately, locating the pokemon center didn't take long - finding the only building in the small town with a bright red roof was easy.

After he checked in and got his room, he made a beeline straight for the Celestic Ruins. The sun had just begun to set, but he wanted to get even a brief glimpse before night fell. The ruins were located just on the north side of town, brushing the town limits. It only took him a few minutes to walk there, but by the time he did, the first blues of dusk were beginning to creep across the sky. There were still enough traces of light to see, however.

Crumbled pillars and broken gray stone framed the path leading up to a dark hole in the wall. The outside of the ruins appeared to resemble a sort of temple-like structure, though only the barest framework could be seen. He took in the sight slowly, soaking in the details. He noted the building next to the ruins. It was supposed to be some kind of research center as well as a museum. A fence wound around the perimeter of the ruins to keep out the occasional stray pokemon and remind visitors to keep their distance during off-hours. A tall wrought-iron gate blocked the path to the ruins.

The gate stood partially open, a sign on it displaying the closing times. 7pm. He still had a little bit of time. Pushing the gate open, he walked across the ancient stone path and into the ruins. A set of barriers wound around the entirety of the inside, creating a solid barrier between visitors and the walls of the cave. Dim lights hung throughout, giving just enough light to see by, though still preserving the cave-like feeling. A short distance inside stood the main attraction - a large floor-to ceiling mural depicting Sinnoh's three legendary lake guardians. He stepped up to the barrier, peering closer to get a good look at the engraving.

"So we meet again, Koamaru!" spoke a voice from behind him.

Koa turned around and did a double-take. He'd have recognized that mahogany hair anywhere. The only thing missing was the long blue coat with a high collar. Instead, the person before him wore a plain silver vest and dark green polo. The dressy casual look was completed by a pair of dark blue jeans. "Hello Mr. Callahan," he said after he managed to gather his thoughts.

"I see the ruins must have drawn you here as well." As Callahan spoke, his gaze drifted back to the mural. "Fascinating, is it not? Three beings. The ancient guardians of Sinnoh's three lakes. Tell me, as a fellow explorer of legends, what do you know of the three?"

Taken aback, Koa didn't speak for a few seconds. He hadn't exactly expected Callahan to seek out his opinions on anything. He contemplated the questions before responding. "Each guardian represents something. Knowledge, emotion, and willpower. Uxie, Mesprit, and Azelf." He thought back to the many books he'd read at Canalave Library. "According to mythology, they were responsible for granting humans those attributes."

"Yes indeed..." Callahan mused. His eyes seemed unfocused as if he were lost in thought. Koa followed his gaze to see him staring at what appeared to be the painting resembling Uxie. "Knowledge." Then he blinked and shook himself. "Ah, there I go again. I can't help myself, I am always so fascinated by the legends. For example, what do you make of the fact that there are always three legendaries? Zapdos, Articuno, Moltres. Entei, Raikou and Suicune. And here, Mesprit, Uxie and Azelf. Why always three, I wonder?" He turned to face Koa, his head tilted ever so slightly in question.

"Three is an equalizer. If there's four, it's uneven. And two would constantly be at odds. But three is like..." Koa struggled for the word he was thinking of. "A foundation, I guess. Balance. Like when a beginning trainer can get a fire, water or a grass type to start." Or a Zubat, he thought to himself. "But triangles are usually like support structures. Legendaries are tied to everything. Every aspect. So there always has to be a balance. And... yeah." Koa petered off and swallowed, suddenly acutely aware he'd been rambling. Callahan was probably bored by him. He didn't want to make a fool of himself or worse, sound like some kind of crazy fan.

Callahan nodded thoughtfully. "That is quite the theory. Fascinating, is it not, how everything in our world is centered around pokemon, especially these legendaries?" He paused and gazed at the mural for a long moment. "Perhaps there are three legendaries to signify the power they share."

Something sparked in Koa's mind from his previous conversation with Callahan. "Is that what you meant about the legendary beasts holding some kind of power?"

A look of surprise flickered across Callahan's face. "Yes indeed..." he began slowly. "Something like that." He cocked his head, his gaze traveling across the mural and the ruins around them. "Such magnificent ruins. As majestic as the Temple at Snowpoint City. I was there earlier this year, such a sight... To think, legendaries are responsible for so much of what we see."

"That's the temple honoring Regigigas, right?" Koa said eagerly. He'd read about it, as well as the legends surrounding the Regi's. It was one of the places he planned to visit. "According to the stories, he once towed whole continents and even formed the different Regi titans."

"Indeed," he said slowly. A second later, Callahan smiled again, one of his trademark brilliant ones. "I must say, you are shockingly well-read. It is not often these days I find young trainers who possess such passion for the mysteries of our world. I am impressed."

"Thanks," Koa said. The praise felt just as good as the first time he'd heard it, back at Lost Tower. He wanted to ask more questions and find out everything Callahan knew. Even if he still wasn't sure he agreed with him on certain subjects. Maybe Callahan would know something about the two Entei? "What about-"

A security guard strode up, greeting them with a brief wave. "I'm sorry, but the ruins are now closed. I'll have to ask you both to please leave."

Koa nodded ruefully. Probably better to keep his thoughts to himself for now anyway.

"Of course. We are on our way out." Callahan dipped his head to the guard and waved as he walked by. Koa followed, picking up his pace to adjust for the taller man's strides. Once they stood outside the ruins, Callahan offered his hand. "Once again, it was a pleasure, Koamaru."

Koa shook his head. "Thanks. For your time, I mean. It was uh... really cool."

Callahan nodded in acknowledgment. "Farewell! Perhaps we will cross paths again." And with that, he turned and strode away, hands in his pockets.

As soon as he was gone, Koa headed back to the pokemon center. A good dinner was a long time coming.

xXx

"I'm sorry, Mr. Koamaru, but our cafeteria is closed at the moment." Nurse Joy smiled sympathetically.

Koa frowned. After returning to the pokemon center, he'd spent some time calling Blake, then Rowan. He'd filled his cousin in on his egg hatching and then informed Rowan of Rascal's success with Ice Fang. Unfortunately, when he finished his phone calls, Nurse Joy had told him the bad news.

"But," she continued, "there's a lovely local restaurant nearby, run by a couple in town. Just head north from here and keep walking until you run into the last building in town," she said.

"Thanks!" Grinning, Koa hurried out of the pokemon center. His hand drifted to his black and gold pokeball, then he tapped the button to release Echo. After a quick greeting, Echo dropped himself onto Koa's shoulders. He grimaced at the weight and turned his head to shoot a playful scowl at the Golbat. "Geez, you're really heavy, you know that?"

Echo shrieked and flipped his wings in a sort of shrugging motion. Koa rolled his eyes and kept walking. The thought of a nice, hot meal made his mouth water, as it always did. Judging by the drop of drool he felt on the back of his neck, Echo was equally excited. He reached up and flicked the Golbat playfully. "Keep drooling on my neck and I'm not buying you any honey from the shop." Echo squeaked in horror and frantically tried to rub off the drool. Koa just laughed and kept walking.

Speaking of shops... Between his loss to Cade some time ago and his rather minor loss of his bet to Avis, his finances were still recovering. The trainers he battled hadn't given much in the way of prize money either. He'd have to find some more people to battle soon. The money would be necessary to buy more TM's for his pokemon. And treats. Of course, he'd be challenging Veilstone gym soon. If memory served correctly, he could probably place a hefty bet there to boost his winnings.

He weaved through the trees and shrubs scattered throughout the rural town, taking care to avoid trampling on any bushes. He passed an assortment of houses, all designed to look rather simplistic. There were no gaudy colored buildings or lights of any kind, though he did see a few flame-lit lamps dotted about. His poketch buzzed, drawing him from his thoughts. He looked down to see who was calling.

'Incoming call: Kitto'

A grin spread across his face and he hit the answer button. "Hey, Kitto! How's Unova?"

Kitto's distinct voice crackled from the device. "Hmm... How do I say this... they're like... the boonies," he said light-heartedly.

Koa chuckled. "The boonies? How?"

He laughed. "Well for starters, the gym leaders were... special cases." Koa could picture Kitto shaking his head, looking disappointed. "The first gym was this group of three boys. The green-haired one would not shut up during his battles." Kitto laughed again. "Jackie enjoyed that one though I think. Oh, and I almost punched a girl in the face."

"What?"

"A gym leader. It's a long story, I'll have to tell you sometime. You'd like it. Where are you now, by way? I'm guessing you left Hearthome already?"

At the mention of Hearthome, Koa's mind flashed briefly to the Thing before he pushed it away. "I'm in Celestic Town now." A sudden thought occurred to Koa. "Hey, we should have a rematch sometime! When you get back to Sinnoh I mean."

"Funny, I was just about to suggest that. I got back from Unova a couple of days ago, actually. Although I wasn't expecting you to be so eager to get beat again."

Koa scowled. "Hey! I've been training a whole lot since then. You won't fool me again. Echo and I are ready whenever you're ready to lose."

A voice sounded simultaneously from behind Koa and from his poketch. "How about now?"

Koa screamed and whirled around, jumping backward. Echo leaped off his shoulder and shrieked indignantly. Kitto stood just a couple feet away, head thrown back in laughter and red eyes flashing. Jackie looked equally amused, wearing a rather smug smirk.

Koa took a deep breath, struggling to calm his rapidly beating heart. "Jeez Kitto!" he snapped. "You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

Kitto chuckled, then clapped his hand on Koa's shoulder. "Technically, you almost gave yourself one. You should really learn to be more aware of your surroundings." Jackie nodded his head fiercely in agreement.

"I was only distracted because I was talking to you," Koa snapped. He glared daggers at Kitto, then relaxed and grinned. "It's good to see you though! But how did you even know where I was?"

"I've been stalking you for the past four days," Kitto replied in a deadpan voice.

Koa blinked. "What?"

He chuckled to himself and shook his head. "Kidding. Lucky guess, actually. You told me you were planning to head to Celestic Town. By the time I got back to Sinnoh, I thought you might get here soon. It was pure coincidence that I happened to spot you leaving the pokemon center."

Well, that made more sense.

"So where were you headed?" Kitto asked.

"Dinner, actually. Want to join me?" he offered.

Kitto grinned. "I'm always down for food."

xXx

A few minutes later, Koa was seated in the restaurant with Kitto. The layout of the restaurant almost reminded him of a house, as if someone had simply converted their home to a restaurant. The seating area resembled a living room and dining room combined. The chairs were all slightly different as if they belonged to different sets, and a couple of couches even lined the walls. Towards the rear of the restaurant was a counter where you could pick up food or to-go orders. A closed-off staircase led to what he could only presume was either storage or living quarters.

"So what was Unova like?" he asked as soon as he'd given the waiter his order. "And what's the story with the gyms?"

A delighted grin washed across Kitto's face and his features lit up. He placed his elbows on the table and leaned forwards. "Alright get this. Cilan, Chili and Cress. Three gym leaders. I battle the green-haired boy, Cilan. But halfway through my match, he stops battling to do some kind of 'evaluation time' thing."

"Wait..." Koa held up his hand. "He seriously stopped in the middle of the battle? Just to talk?" Kitto nodded. Koa frowned. "That's rude."

"Anyways," Kitto said with a shrug, "needless to say Jackie and I shut him up. One punch and Jackie launched Pansage straight into him!" he barked out a laugh. "That was picture-worthy." Koa laughed as Kitto continued. "And that's not even the worst of it! The flying type gym leader doesn't even have real gym battles!"

Koa nearly spit out his drink. "What do you mean?"

"She 'plays out'", Kitto airquoted his words, "the battles in her head, and decides if you win or lose! I walked up to her and she says 'I won!'" Kitto shook his head.

"Is she the one you almost punched?" Koa asked.

Kitto nodded. "Yeah," he stated, his gaze dead serious. "Yeah, I did."

For a second, Koa was too stunned to speak. "That's ridiculous!" he cried. "The whole point of a gym is to test a trainer's skill in battle. What kind of gym leader would forgo a battle?" The waiter appeared and set down their food. They thanked her quickly, then Koa dug into his burger. He swallowed it, relishing the taste of proper food for a moment. "How does that even work? And why?" Just thinking about it made him want to punch someone in the face.

Kitto shrugged and took a bite, swallowing before he continued. "No idea. Apparently, she wanted more time to fly her plane."

At that, Koa put down his fork and stared. "So she would rather fly her plane than be a gym leader? Then why not quit! That's worse than Fantina! At least she would actually battle when she bothered to show up!" The memory of his triumph against Fantina brought a smile to his face. "Speaking of which, I gotta tell you how I beat Fantina."

"Do tell," Kitto said, leaning forward, an eager grin on his face.

Koa relayed the story of how he'd tricked her by using Stomp, as well as the rest of the battle.

"I have to say, I'm impressed. Actually using a normal-type move on purpose to throw off your opponent." He nodded vigorously in approval. "Smart."

"Thanks," Koa said. After that, he made casual conversation with Kitto, trading stories of their respective journeys.

"So I guess Unova was a bust then?" Koa asked as they left the restaurant.

Kitto shook his head. "Well it was fun, but not exactly a challenge. One good thing came from it though."

"What?" Koa asked eagerly.

"You didn't notice?" Kitto asked, almost accusingly. He shook his head. "Tsk tsk, didn't I just lecture you on paying attention to your surroundings?"

He frowned and looked closer at Kitto, trying to figure out what was different. Same hair, same clothes... same pokemon- No. Now there were two pokeballs on his belt. "You caught another pokemon?!" he yelped.

"Ah, now he notices," Kitto said, the corners of his mouth twitching in amusement. "And yes, I did get another pokemon, although I didn't catch it."

"What is it?" Koa demanded. "A Deino? No, wait... a Timburr?" Those were fighting-types, perhaps Kitto wanted another fighting type.

Kitto grimaced and quickly shook his head. "No. Most definitely not a Timburr, or anything related to it." He took out the pokeball and pressed the button. The light coalesced into the form of a small avian pokemon, perched on Kitto's wrist.

"A Pidgey?" Koa asked, surprised. The little brown bird clutched Kitto's wrist tightly, its eyes darting about as if it were nervous. It fluttered one wing a bit awkwardly and peered at him. Kitto stroked its head gently and it relaxed a bit.

Kitto nodded. "While I was visiting one of the pokemon centers, one of the Nurses told me about this Pidgey." His gaze darkened. "Apparently his trainer abandoned him because his wing was broken in some kind of accident. Once the trainer found out he wouldn't fly again, they just left him."

Koa tensed. "That's disgusting!" He shook himself, trying to set aside his anger. "He's way better off with you," he said confidently.

Kitto's expression lightened. "I named him Kaze, after the wind." At the sound of his name, Kaze chirped happily.

"That's a cool name," Koa agreed. "So how about that rematch then?" he asked as they started back towards the pokemon center. "I think Echo would like a chance at revenge."

"Is that so?" Kitto asked. "How about tomorrow then, after breakfast?"

"You're on!"

xXx

Once Kitto had left, Koa retired to the pokemon center. The upcoming battle with him was the only thing on his mind, which meant training. He planned to use Echo for the battle, but he also planned to train more with Flurry. For the next couple hours he focused on honing Echo's skills. Once he was satisfied, he sent out Flurry. The little Spheal greeted him with an excited squeak, clapping her fins together. He smiled. "Hey Flurry, want to try learning a new move?" She nodded. "Let's start with something simple for tonight, okay? We'll try Water Gun. All you have to do is summon some water and project it."

Koa took out another pokeball and released Anubis. The Houndoom gave a low howl in greeting, then trotted over to Flurry, nuzzling her happily. "Anubis will be your training partner. He's really tough, so your attacks won't hurt him yet." Anubis took up a position a few feet away from Flurry, giving her an encouraging yip.

Flurry gave a happy squeak, then proceeded to tuck in her flippers and use Rollout. Anubis yelped in surprise and jumped out of the way. She circled around and rolled back, then stopped, squeaking in amusement. "Flurry, you're supposed to work on Water Gun, not Rollout!" he chided lightly. "Now, try again-"

Before he could finish speaking, Flurry began rolling in circles around him. A flicker of frustration edged through him. "Flurry..." he groaned. She stopped suddenly, whirled to face him, and fired a perfect jet of water at his face. Cold water splashed his skin and he flinched in shock. He blinked, staring at her. She stared back at him, her eyes sparkling. "Alright, not bad," he admitted, smiling. Maybe Flurry was better at this than he assumed.

"Let's see how well you do against a moving target then!" He took off running. A burst of water shot by him. He zigzagged, and another two shots passed by him. Glancing over his shoulder, he looked back just in time to catch another jet of water to his face. "Hey!" he protested. Flurry squeaked at him, then proceeded to blast him again. With a cry of shock, he turned and began running again, Flurry hot on his heels.

xXx

By the time he returned to his room, he was fairly soaked. Soaked, but happy. Flurry was quite a bit more talented than he assumed. He couldn't wait to see what else she was capable of. Turning his attention away from his pokemon, he turned on the tv, then headed for the bathroom to dry off. He returned to find Anubis laying on the bed, Flurry sitting in between his front paws. The Houndoom's head rested on the Spheal and the two were focused on the TV. Up above, Echo hung from the small ceiling fan, though his weight caused the blade to buckle slightly. Rolling his eyes, Koa settled on the bed, leaning back and relaxing.

At some point, the patter of rain filled the background and a storm started. A flash of lightning lit up his room, followed by a thunderclap. The tv continued to play, but Koa's mind turned to his battle with Kitto tomorrow. Kitto would no doubt be fighting with Jackie. Considering how badly Echo's first match against the Hitmonchan had gone, he was determined to win this time. But how? Kitto was a devious fighter. He thought outside the box a lot more than the average trainer, most likely since he had to compensate for having one pokemon.

Koa reviewed everything he remembered from his battle and brief training with Kitto. Hitmonchan used exclusively short-range moves. Right now, Echo knew Air Slash. Perhaps he could try and fight at a distance, to put Hitmonchan at a disadvantage.

Echo dropped off his perch on the ceiling fan and flopped himself on Koa's lap. He screeched and flapped his wings as if mock-fighting. Then he stared intensely at Koa, his gaze narrowed, and chirped insistently.

"What?" Koa protested. He stared back at his Golbat. Echo closed his eyes, then jumped in the air and did a loop before landing in his lap again. "You're trying to tell me something, aren't you?" Koa mused. "Are you saying I should try to think on the fly too?"

Echo screeched happily and nodded.

Koa sighed. "I don't know. I'll try. But I think our best bet is going to be using your distance moves. Find a way to get him with Confuse Ray. Maybe Poison Fang. And definitely Air Slash."

A blur of yellow distracted him. Hazard scurried from his spot in the sink and over to the window. He pressed his face against the glass."What's up?"

BOOM!

A clap of thunder rattled the windows. A crackle of lightning flashed. Koa sat up and crossed the room to peer outside. It was dark, and thanks to the lack of streetlights, he couldn't see much. Another flash of light lit the sky, and Koa caught a glimpse of the area surrounding the pokemon center. His blood froze.

Just a few yards away, at the edge of a copse of trees, stood a pokemon. A huge quadruped, with iridescent yellow fur, zigzagged through with black stripes and a purple mane sweeping back from its neck. "Raikou..." he whispered.

Chills rippled down his spine. His heart beat faster and a grin spread across his face. He wanted to get close. Even if he was nowhere near ready to fight a legendary, he had to see it up close. He whipped around and snatched his jacket off the bed. He was halfway to the door when a growl stopped him in his tracks. He turned around to see Anubis glaring pointedly at him, flanked by the rest of his pokemon. They looked anxious and on edge, a strange look in their eyes he'd only seen once before. Back in Hearthome, when that Thing had appeared.

He quickly returned each of them to their pokeballs, clipping them to his belt. "Sorry guys, but I want you to stay safe. Besides, I'll be fine." No sense having them freak out and get hurt. Besides, he had no intention of getting into any fights with a legendary, not yet. He was just looking. With that, he charged out the door.

As he hurried for the exit, Nurse Joy called out to him, "Be careful! There's a terrible storm approaching." Koa glanced back briefly. She continued. "We're advising trainers to stay indoors until it passes."

"I'll be back really quick," he shouted. Before she could say anything else, he bolted out the door.

It was dark out, even darker than the usual night time. He could just make out black clouds covering the moon and stars. No rain fell, but another flash lit up the skies momentarily. The ground felt damp from the drizzle earlier. A downpour would probably begin soon, he realized. It was impossible to see clearly more than a few feet in front of him; beyond that, all he could make out were dark shadows. He made a beeline for the spot where he first saw Raikou.

Nothing. No sign of the legendary anywhere. Light flashed overhead and another rumble of thunder echoed. Common sense dictated he should probably head back to the pokemon center. Yet... This was his chance to see another of the legendary beasts. Maybe seeing Raikou could give him some kind of explanation for the two Entei he'd seen. More lightning flashed and he tried to take in as much as he could. A shadow moved in the distance, further down the slope leading to the shrine in the center of town. He sprinted towards it.

By the time he reached the shrine, he felt the first few raindrops splash against his face. Unfortunately, he saw no sign of the legendary. Not a pawprint, not a hair. By now the sky was practically black, his only light from the windows of buildings and the occasional flash of lightning. Rain pattered against the earth, steadily picking up. He let out a sigh, taking one last look around. The muddy hollowed out scoop of land around the shrine was still empty.

Scowling, he turned around. Raikou had to still be around somewhere, he felt sure of it. Perhaps to the north somewhere? He climbed the slope, keeping his eyes peeled. Without his backpack, he didn't have a proper flashlight, much to his chagrin. He was forced to make do with the rather weak one on his phone. Something shifted at the top of the hill. Excitement flooding him, he charged up the hill. When he reached the top, he didn't see anything, not even a pawprint in the muddy earth. Odd, he thought. Why no pawprints?

There was no time to mull over the thought anymore. Far ahead, not far from the ruins, he caught a brief glimpse of something. Grinning, he raced in the direction of the ruins. Halfway there, a giant thunderclap tore through the air at the same moment a brilliant flash of light blinded him. He reflexively threw his arm over his eyes, but even then a searing heat nearly blinded him.

Slowly, he pulled his arm away and blinked. Spots danced across his vision, then slowly cleared. There was an ominous rumbling in the direction of the ruins. He slowed to walk, then crept closer. It was hard to tell, but the entrance to the ruins almost appeared... broken? Some of the pillars that he could swear were standing earlier now lay on their sides, and crumbled rock seemed to cover the entrance. A dark shape moved, then disappeared. Cold chills crept down his spine, though he doubted it was because of the rain. Did Raikou attack the ruins?

A brilliant arc of lightning erupted across the sky and time seemed to freeze. For one moment, all of Celestic Town was illuminated. Raikou stood a mere three feet away, looming over him. Koa fell onto the ground, his heart pounding. Raikou gazed down at him and he froze. His breath caught in his throat. The beast stood well over six feet tall, larger than any picture or rendering could do justice. Luminescent yellow fur shone in the light, cut through with black stripes. It gazed at him with empty orange eyes, expression utterly cold. In fact, they appeared almost sightless, as if looking through him.

Then the lightning overhead winked out, plunging the area into darkness. Light emerged from one of the pokeballs on his belt and Echo appeared, hovering in front of Koa. Images flashed through his mind of Anubis, tossed aside by one of Entei's attacks like he was nothing. Panic surged through him and he lunged forward, grabbing Echo and clutching the Golbat to his chest. The darkness lessened as electricity started dancing across Raikou's fur. It narrowed its gaze, fixating on Echo. Its jaws opened, revealing terribly sharp teeth. Then, from somewhere beyond the ruins, a loud howl shook the earth, like thunder and lightning given voice. Another bolt of lightning lit the skies. Raikou was gone. Vanished.

After what felt like a solid minute, Koa breathed. Echo squirmed in his grasp and he numbly released him. His heart still hammered in his chest. He suddenly became aware of the pounding rain, drenching his skin and plastering his hair to his head. The ground around him had become a muddy mess in a matter of moments. He barely noticed the rain, however. His mind kept flashing back to Raikou. Its eyes were the mirror image of the Entei he'd seen at Hearthome. Icy, lifeless. Utterly empty.

His thoughts spiraled. What did the appearance of Raikou mean? Why did its eyes look exactly like Entei's? Was it even the real Raikou? He still remembered the second Entei he'd seen. Its eyes had been so different... And what of the eerie cry he'd heard? It didn't sound like it had come from Raikou. It had come from somewhere else, and then Raikou had vanished as if scared off.

Blinking, he wiped at his eyes. Echo was huddled against him, shivering. He peered at Koa, gaze filled with worry. "Sorry Echo," he murmured, shivering. He took out his pokeball and returned him. He slowly stood, his limbs shaking. He had a feeling that Raikou, or whatever It was, was gone now. Shivering, he turned around. Between the rain and cloud cover, he could barely make out the roof of the pokemon center. In a daze, he stumbled towards it. A few minutes later, he staggered through the doors, thoroughly drenched.

"Oh my, are you alright!?" Nurse Joy exclaimed.

He nodded and took off his jacket, putting in a plastic bag from a set that hung near the door. He hurried to his room, then peeled off his wet clothes, dumped them into a hamper, and made a beeline for the shower.

By the time he'd finished, his mind was still whirling. The only explanation he could think of was that there was somehow two of each beast. But why had both the 'Entei' at Hearthome and 'Raikou' acted so savage? Why did their eyes look so... dead? Dead was the only word he could think of to describe it. The eyes didn't hold malice, compassion or anything really. They were simply soulless. Just picturing them made him shiver. Add what of the ruins? Had Raikou done that, or had it simply been the storm?

He settled on his bed and released each of his pokemon. They greeted him with worried whines and growls, crowding around him. "I'm alright guys," he said, smiling slightly. He scratched Echo and rubbed Rascal's head. Hazard nuzzled against him next and he patted the Joltik. He let out a sigh as he gazed at his pokemon. Whatever the Thing at Amity Square had been, and whatever the Raikou tonight had been, they were powerful. None of his pokemon had the strength necessary to stand up to them.

But that wasn't what worried him. What worried him was that both times he'd encountered a legendary, they'd attacked, unprovoked. Tonight, he'd gotten lucky. Something had seemingly scared 'Raikou' off. Either that, or it simply didn't care to finish him off. Growling, he punched his fist against the mattress. "I need answers," he grumbled out loud.

He flopped back on the bed, unease settling in the pit of his stomach. It took him a long time to fall asleep that night.

xXx

The next morning, he staggered down to the cafeteria, feeling more annoyed than he had in a while. After he and his pokemon had breakfast, he found a spot in the lobby to wait for Kitto. His attention turned to a TV in the lobby playing a breaking news report.

"The main chamber of the Celestic Ruin experienced a severe cave-in late last night."

Koa sat up and faced the TV.

"Authorities blame last night's unexpected thunderstorm, and they are working with local researchers to catalog the full extent of the damage to Celestic Ruins. The ruins currently remain closed to the public. It is not known when or if they will be reopened. In other news..."

His thoughts swam. Celestic Ruins had been destroyed? A mixture of confusion and sadness filled him. How had a storm caused such catastrophic damage? The ruins had stood for years, untouched. Unless... Raikou really was involved.

"I didn't know you liked news that much," Kitto's voice sounded from behind him.

Koa jumped and spun around to see Kitto and Jackie standing a few feet away, arms crossed. "Oh, hey Kitto!" he said, grinning.

Kitto narrowed his eyes, glancing briefly at the TV. "You ok? I called you twice and you didn't respond."

"I'm good..." he said slowly. A brief internal debate raged in him. He had yet to tell anyone what really happened at Amity Square. If Entei wasn't responsible, he didn't want false blame placed. Then again, maybe Kitto could give him some kind of perspective. "Back when I was in Hearthome, I saw something at Amity Square."

Kitto's eyes widened slightly. He moved and sat down across from Koa. "Is this about that fire that started there?"

Koa managed a nod. The day still brought up a lot of mixed feelings. He related the entire story to Kitto. Waking up to the explosions, Entei's attack and Anubis's evolution, and finally, the hazy memory of the second Entei. Kitto remained silent, his mouth twisted into a faint frown.

"And that's not all..." Koa added. "Last night, I saw Raikou. Or something resembling it. But when I saw it... its eyes looked exactly like Entei's. But not just like it. It was more like its eyes were the same somehow. I'm sure it had something to do with the cave-in at the ruins," he murmured. "I always thought legendaries were good. Like protectors. But now..." He sighed. He felt slightly better at least, now that someone else (human)knew his secret.

"Hmm..." After a long pause, Kitto stood up. "I believe you're right. Legendaries are good. So how would you explain what happened?"

Koa took a deep breath. "There's only two answers I can think of. There's multiple of the legendary beasts, which doesn't make much sense given how they came to be. Or something is somehow imitating them. Like a hologram, except much stronger."

Kitto nodded. "So what can you do about it?"

"Well," Koa began. He drummed his fingers on the table. "I don't know. Even if I told the police, it's not exactly like they can start a manhunt for Raikou. And that's if they believed me. It's not exactly like I have evidence."

"You see? There's your answer. Right now, there's nothing you can really do, except for training and getting stronger. You can't let your worry hold you back."

Koa nodded in agreement. Kitto was right, he realized. There was nothing he could do, not now at least. "Yeah, true." Fears put to rest, he grinned. "So are we gonna battle, or what?"

"I was wondering when you were going to ask," Kitto said. He stood up and smirked. "Ready to lose?"

xXx

Koa's heart pounded as he faced Hitmonchan. Echo hovered in front of him, the fire of battle blazing in his eyes. Across the field, Kitto stood, cool and calm, his expression mirrored by Hitmonchan.

"Alright Echo, Confuse Ray!" Echo flew slightly higher and quickly fired off the golden orbs. Hitmonchan danced sideways, dodging easily, but that was hardly unexpected. "Now, Air Slash!" Koa called.

Echo's wings glowed light blue and he fired several blades of energy at Hitmonchan, who nimbly dodged backwards out of the way.

"Now Echo, at the ground!"

Echo seamlessly changed his trajectory, aiming the attack at the earth. Clouds of dust exploded into the air, covering the battlefield.

"Poison Fang!" Koa cried triumphantly.

Echo dove into the dust cloud, fangs shimmering with toxic poison.

"Thunder Punch!" he heard Kitto call.

There was a grunt of pain, followed by a screech from Echo. He saw the Golbat flutter out of the dust cloud rather haphazardly. Clearly he'd still gotten hit. As the dust settled, he saw the purple sheen on Jackie's skin and in its eyes. He grinned. It had cost them, but he'd managed to poison the Hitmonchan.

Koa only took a moment to decide on his next attack. "Crunch!"

Echo soared through the air towards Jackie.

"Ice Punch!" Kitto snapped. Jackie's fist became coated with frost.

"Dodge around!" Koa called. Echo flipped neatly over Hitmonchan's head. Hardly had he finished the motion before Koa gave his next command. "Confuse Ray!"

Just as Echo fired the golden orbs, Jackie punched over its own shoulder, striking a solid blow on Echo. At the same moment, the golden orbs struck, making Jackie stagger.

"Get back, Echo!" he cried. Echo fluttered backward, out of range. Koa grinned. Kitto had been prepared for him at every turn, but Echo had still landed good hits. "Air Slash." Echo's wings glowed and he launched multiple blades of energy at Hitmonchan.

"Block with Brick Break!" Hitmonchan staggered and blinked, confusion taking its toll. A second before the Air Slash attack hit, Jackie's fists glowed and he struck the ground. A chunk of rock shot up, blocking the attack. Koa grimaced, annoyed. It was the same technique Kitto had used before.

"Echo, Air Slash again," Koa called. Echo launched several small blades of energy down at Hitmonchan. The blades hurtled through the air towards Jackie.

"Block!" Kitto's command echoed across the battlefield. Jackie began deftly dodging and weaving around each blade of wind. Several only grazed him, and others he was able to deflect or break. Echo renewed his attack. Jackie attempted to dodge, but with the coupled effects of confusion and toxic poisoning, the final wave struck, knocking Jackie back.

A frown crossed Koa's face. Echo looked worn. Jackie looked suitably tired as well but was still hanging tough. He would need to end this soon, while he had an advantage.

Before he could call an attack, Kitto beat him to it. "Ice Punch!" Jackie punched his fists together and cloaked them in ice.

"Dive right in and use Crunch!" Koa snapped.

Echo shot forwards, fangs cloaked in obsidian as Jackie leaped to meet him. At the last second, Jackie ducked under Echo to strike from behind. As he moved, however, he ended up striking himself with his own fist. He blinked and shook his head, some of the glazed look fading.

Koa frowned. On one hand, he'd missed, but confusion had caused Jackie to hurt himself. Unfortunately, that confusion had also worn off.

Kitto didn't hesitate. "Fire Punch!" Jackie sprinted forwards, determination giving him strength. Both fists blazed as he leaped into the air.

"Dodge!" Koa shouted frantically.

Jackie jabbed with one fist, and Echo tried to twist out of the way. With a swift feint, Jackie struck out with his other fist, catching Echo in the wing. A screech erupted from his jaws as he spiraled downward. He barely caught himself before crashing to the ground. A pulse of fire flared around his body and he writhed.

"No, Echo!" Koa said. A burn.

Echo's breath came in heaves, and he could barely stand. This fight had to end now. Glancing across the battlefield he could see Jackie didn't look much better. The poison had taken a great toll on the Hitmonchan, who could barely stand. Koa was suddenly aware of how fast his heart was beating. He had a chance to win, and he refused to waste it.

Apparently, Kitto felt the same. "Brick Break!"

Hitmonchan shook off the exhaustion, his fists glowing white. He charged at Echo, who hovered a few feet above the ground. At that moment, he tossed out any plans that had been forming in his head and acted.

"Roll, use Air Slash." He could only trust his starter to understand his intentions.

Jackie threw his fist. It connected to Echo's chin, but he rolled with the strike, going into a tight somersault. As he rolled, his wings glowed. He pulled back around to face Jackie and tossed an Air Slash attack straight into his chest. Jackie grunted, staggered backward, and collapsed.

Letting out a loud whoop, Koa leaped into the air. Grinning madly he raced over to Echo, who had landed on the ground, panting. He pulled him into a tight embrace, spinning in a circle.

"That was awesome, Echo!" he shouted. Echo let out a tired but happy squeak.

An approving grin spread across Kitto's face as he returned Jackie. "Now that's what I call a battle," Kitto said. "Looks like you've finally learned something."

Koa couldn't resist smirking. "I've been training just so I could beat you. Told you I wouldn't lose again."

Kitto's eyes flashed. "Don't expect to beat me next time."

Koa rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure. Whatever you say." He still couldn't believe he'd really won. His training had paid off. His pokemon were strong, and that's all that mattered to him. Even if they'd barely won. A win was a win, as far as he was concerned. Echo sagged into his arms slightly, clearly exhausted. "I should probably take him to the pokemon center," Koa said, standing up. Still cradling the Golbat, he pulled out his pokeball and returned him.

Kitto nodded in agreement. "I'll come with you. Jackie could use a good rest."

xXx

A few minutes later, they sat inside the lobby of the pokemon center, enjoying some cold drinks from a nearby vending machine while they waited for their pokemon.

"So what's next for you?" Kitto asked.

"Veilstone gym," he declared without hesitation. "With Echo, it'll be easy."

"Don't get too overconfident, you know. Maylene is no pushover. She is one of the youngest gym leaders. You don't get to where she is at her age unless you're good."

Koa shrugged. "I can handle it."

A slight frown flickered across Kitto's features and his eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. "Overconfidence can fell even the strongest fighter."

"You know this is just a gym leader, right? I'm pretty sure I can handle her just fine," Koa replied.

"If you say so," Kitto said simply.

"So anyway, what about you?" Koa asked eagerly. "You could always join me on the way to Veilstone."

To his disappointment, Kitto shook his head. "I would love to, but not this time. Jackie and I want to get in some more training. We have a theory we've been working on, but we need some time to develop it. Plus I want to keep working with Kaze. I have some ideas for him."

Resisting the urge to sigh, Koa nodded in understanding. It would have been nice to have a training partner for the trip. Even if he'd won this battle, Kitto still had a wealth of fighting knowledge he could learn from. "How can Kaze fight though? I thought he couldn't fly?"

"And? Jackie can't fly, but he still fights, doesn't he?"

"That's not the same," Koa said. "Jackie doesn't have wings."

"Exactly," Kitto said simply. "You'll just have to wait and see next time we meet up."

They sat in amiable silence for several minutes, content to be in their own thoughts. One of the many TVs hanging from the ceiling began playing a rerun of local news, reviewing the cave-in at the ruins once more. At the end of the report, however, something changed. Instead of ending by mentioning that investigators were still looking into it, the news continued.

"-Recent reports suggest the presence of the so-called 'legendary beasts' may be linked to two of the recent disasters in Sinnoh. Days preceding the attack at Amity Square, Entei was rumored to have been sighted in the area. And before the attack at Celestic Ruins, there are claims Raikou was seen in the storm. Sinnoh news have reached out to the rangers investigating the attacks, but have not received any feedback. The question I'm sure we are all wondering - will the beasts strike again? And why have they targeted Sinnoh?"

Koa's heart sank as he heard the reporter's words. They'd made the connection. It was only a matter of time, he supposed. But hearing it still made him nervous. Entei couldn't really be responsible for the attack. And he was sure Raikou would never destroy ruins. But he was much less sure that other people would be so trusting. It wasn't long ago at all that the three had been chased away from the remains of the Burned Tower. Would history repeat itself?

"Idiots," Kitto muttered, glaring at the TV. "Some reporters are no better than Team Rocket if you ask me. They say whatever they want on there, with no regard for the consequences. And everyone wants someone to blame, but they never want to just wait."

"Why is everyone so quick to blame the beasts?" Koa grumbled. "They haven't even done anything. That can be proved, at least. They already drove them away once, and for nothing," he said. "And now they want to do it again."

"People seem to believe they need an enemy to fight. And if they can't find one, they make one," Kitto mused.

Koa nodded grimly.

"At any rate," Kitto continued, "how has your training been going with the rest of your team?"

Koa quickly relayed the training he'd done since Hearthome, from the moves he'd learned and to how their agility and power had improved, as well as teaching Rascal Ice Fang.

"Do you plan on catching more pokemon?"

That was a question Koa had been mulling over in the back of his mind for some time. Originally, he had only planned for his six. "Dunno..." he admitted finally. "Maybe. Now that I have that Box Link system I told you about, I could easily swap between my pokemon." Ever since Charles had given it to him, it was a thought in the back of his mind.

"Gentleman?" Nurse Joy walked up, smiling at them. Kitto and Koa looked up. "Your pokemon are ready."

"Thank you," they said.

"Excuse me, are there any buses headed to Veilstone?" Koa asked Nurse Joy as they followed her to the front desk. Chansey waited nearby with a cart carrying two trays of pokeballs, one for each of them.

"Absolutely. There's actually one leaving in about a half hour, if you're interested," she replied.

Koa gathered his pokeballs, returning them to his belt. "Great! Thanks," he said. He and Kitto returned to their table. "I guess this is where we part ways then?"

Kitto nodded. "For now. I'm sure we'll meet up again soon. After all, I'll have to beat you again," he added with a smirk.

"Yeah right," Koa retorted. "I'm not losing again. You better get ready to go 2 and 0 next time we battle."

"Don't you mean 2 and 1?" Kitto pointed out.

Koa shook his head. "Exactly. I'm glad you've accepted that I'm gonna beat you next time."

A dangerous glint flashed in Kitto's eyes. "We'll see about that." He held out his hand, and Koa shook it. They shared a brief nod, then Koa stepped away. He waved a final farewell to the white-haired trainer, then hurried out of the pokemon center. He had a bus to catch, and a gym to beat.


Well well, how did everyone enjoy? Koa had a strange encounter with a Raikou and also ran into an old friend/rival. We also caught a glimpse of Kitto's adventures in Unova. As some of you may know, I really despise the BW anime. Like, anime!Skyla is trash. Seriously, what kind of gym leader does 'simulated' battles? ARGH. Anyways, perhaps one day I will write a humorous recount of his adventure in Unova. For now, I simply fantasize about the beatdown he gave them :)

And the mystery grows. Just what are these strange legendaries showing up?

Echo (Male Golbat)

Hazard (Male Joltik)

Rascal (Female Tyrunt)

Anubis (Male Houndoom)

Scrapper (Male Breloom)

Flurry (Female Spheal)
 
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kintsugi

golden scars | pfp by sun
Location
the warmth of summer in the songs you write
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. silvally-grass
  2. lapras
  3. golurk
  4. booper-kintsugi
  5. meloetta-kint-muse
  6. meloetta-kint-dancer
  7. murkrow
  8. yveltal
Hey! Here for catnip!

It's actually been quite some time since I've just read vanilla trainerfic. I do think a lot of the ones I've read are in similar format to this one (OC trainer, game-adjacent; maybe badges but some of the major events might get ditched or reinterpreted), so tough luck with only finding the isekai ones, haha. I ended up reading through to chapter six, so some general thoughts + some more specific ones at the end.

I like the detail and thought you've put into the world--game!Sinnoh certainly has a lot of room for expansion! Details like the berry shop, the fitness test, Roark taking an interest in helping other trainers outside of battle--these are really fun and I liked getting to see them in a fic like this. I also like the detail you go into with your settings! The cave, the hospital, the gym--these all feel like realistic and interesting locations, and I liked seeingi them through Koa's eyes. I do agree with Negrek's comments higher that the beginning felt a bit long; there's definitely some pressure in earlier chapters to get to what the story is about, and I found myself wondering why we needed to see Koa biking to the exam, the exam itself, etc. I wonder what you think the most important moment in chapter 1 is, and how the other bits relate to it? Are there some things that could instead be told later as a retrospective?

Intro chapters are important because they need to broadcast the tone and stakes of the story, and maybe also introduce some interesting bits from [character/setting/plot]. I didn't really get much about Koa's goals or desires here (he wants to be an explorer! I thought that was really cool. But it doesn't really go anywhere); and the plot as it stands is straightforward enough that I didn't feel immediately hooked by the badgequest, so the main focus became the setting? Which for me was an interesting choice, but I'm not sure if it was intentional--the chapters that follow certainly seem to be more focused on Koa than on Sinnoh. I wanted to know a bit more about what he actually seeks to gain from this, what drives him to be the best, why he's razor-focused on getting a specific team together. Is it ambition? Does he feel like he needs to prove himself compared to Blake? What does becoming the best trainer actually mean as a goal for Koa, and why is it important that he get it? These are questions that don't necessarily need to be answered right away (and maybe not even the ones you wanted to ask in this exact story; I was just spitballing here), but I wanted to understand his motivations a bit more.

The later chapters do help with this a lot! I think Koa's a pretty realistic interpretation of a teenager who's been gifted incredible power--he's kind of inconsiderate and immature, but in ways that feel genuine. I kept flagging lines like "Hazard had done his job [in fainting]", "no need to become a criminal, yet" and "he was being meaner than necessary, he realized"--on some level Koa's cruelty and dismissiveness towards those around him is really unsettling, but I also do think it's emblematic of a self-centered teenager who's suddenly been given a lot of free reign over both his own life and the lives of others.

The boy pointed and laughed again. "A Zubat! How pathetic indeed, to use such a weak pokemon. The-"

Koa punched him in the face. "No one calls my pokemon weak!"
and like, lmao, the answer to "what would happen in a society where kids are given weapons at a very young age" is "they still punch their problems because they don't regulate their emotions like rational people"--this line almost felt comedically exaggerated? Like, Kody seems a little disgruntled at being punched in the face, but he doesn't really react the same way I'd expect a kid to react when they are, again, punched in the face--is it commonplace for this to happen in this setting? He just seems kind of disgruntled/affronted, not like, shit dude, that's assault, you're insane.

So it becomes pretty obvious from the beginning that Koa isn't quite There yet when it comes to healthily managing his relationships with other people, human or otherwise.

"You do know owning a pokemon doesn't make you a pokemon trainer, right?" he shot back.
As a result, I found this line in chapter 5 really intriguing because I'm curious how Koa would answer--what does make a pokemon trainer? What qualities does he think a trainer should have, and does he think he has them?

Especially in the early chapters I could see a lot of Koa's calculation and analysis when it comes to raising pokemon: even now that he's had his bonding moment with Zubat/Golbat, I don't really believe that Koa sees them as individuals with their own thoughts and desires. Which I think is fine and pretty realistic tbh--he also struggles to empathize with other humans or try to understand what they want, and again I do think this is a realistic model of teenage behavior. So when Koa's running through potential pokemon in his head and quantifying their usefulness only as a function of how powerful they can become, I do think it's a chilling way to represent the game logic that a lot of us go through. In fanfic it's sort of weird because the conceit is that these creatures are alive and you are responsible for their lives and safety; you don't really get the gameplay excuse of beating up some pixels or letting them sit in a computer for months because you found a shinier version of them. So to see Koa emulate prioritizing victory over seeing the pokemon for their personalities even after he's learned his "lesson" with Echo is really interesting, and I think for me it helps enforce how sociopathic a lot of the gameplay decisions actually are--is it a dick move to pick pokemon based on species rather than personality? Fun stuff.

"Oh Zubat, I'm sorry!" he cried out. "I've been an awful trainer to you. You fought so hard for me and I didn't fight for you."
And I do like the beginning of his revelation here, but I'm not convinced that he's learned a full lesson here. (Which is also probably fine! Looks like there are lots of chapters to go). What does it mean for a trainer to fight for their pokemon?

I thought the pokemon themselves were really interesting additions to the cast. Echo's undying loyalty to Koa makes for an uncomfortable dynamic and I love seeing you play around with it--it's really, really weird to see Koa treat this pokemon like absolute garbage but Echo is cheerfully doing his darned best because maybe, if I try hard enough and senpai notices me, senpai might not just keep me in my pokeball forever. I wanted to know what Echo sees in Koa to inspire this loyalty, and why he's so persistent in it--based on lines like
Echo's glare grew even angrier if that was possible. He was not fond of people mocking his trainer.
it seems like this goes beyond an impersonal sentiment of "I need this trainer even if he keeps saying what a piece of shit I am, because no other trainer in Sinnoh will give zubat a chance"--this seems like personal admiration of Koa! Which I thought was deeply fascinating--which part of Koa's actions prompted this response? I think knowing the answer to this would shed a lot of insight on both Koa and Echo.

I also thought Tyrunt was really interesting as a character! For all the claims of wanting to love his pokemon and treat them well, Koa simply cannot compute a response when it comes to a pokemon who just doesn't want him--I thought this was really telling since it shows that he hasn't paid much thought into what his pokemon would want if it's separate from his own goals. And again, I think this tied really well into the overarching lessons of empathy that Koa is trying to learn--can you still love someone even if they want to live in a way that isn't 100% compliant with your desires? For Koa the answer is no, not yet! But I'm curious to see if he can learn it.
"So what do you think?" Koa asked once they had both returned their pokemon. "Why is Tyrunt acting like that? I mean, I saved her life from those Rapidash."
Like for me this line was most telling--it implies that saving her life requires unconditional servitude in return. I was weirdly reminded of all those "nice guy" dialogues where someone does a favor that's pretty much common decency and then is very upset when that favor isn't reciprocated with a relationship or sex. The alternative to "saving her life" is ... letting her die, no? Which feels very heartless given that he's the one who placed her in this unfamiliar environment in the first place. So it feels like Koa did the only right thing to do in this situation and then is mad that it isn't met with Tyrunt's undying loyalty.

And I do see the seeds for growth here! I like how Roark kind of takes both the first outburst and the apology into stride--I get the feeling that if you're the traditional first gym leader and a lot of trainers are teens, you're gonna see a loooooot of shit like this.

Overall, interesting start! I wonder if things are a bit too easy for Koa--everyone keeps talking about how it must be so hard for him to have raised his pokemon; he must love them sooooo much--but under the hood the scenes we've mostly seen are him messing things up, hating his pokemon, and somehow muddling through to a victory that outsiders laud as excellent and unprecedented. Is training this easy for everyone to the point that you can make a ton of mistakes/not fully learn from them but still steamroller through two badges with relatively little effort, or is Koa just really, really good at what he does? A bit of both?

some line-by-line thoughts! sorry this review is getting a bit lengthy:
"Hmph. Just keep that thing away from me. I don't want it trampling my plants."
I struggled a bit with this image--how would joltik trample? They are so smol.

Another thought occurred to him, one he'd tried to avoid thinking about. Technically, Zubat was his starter. Not Joltik. It was the first pokemon he acquired after becoming a licensed trainer.
I wasn't sure what the weight of being a starter means to Koa, or why he can't just release Zubat if he hates Zubat so much. It's clearly not an empathy thing haha.

"Then I challenge you to a battle! I need to know if you're actually weak, or my brother's just slightly stronger than you. Come on out Psy!" Rachel tossed a pokeball, and a Psyduck emerged. She grinned at him. "Name's Rachel by the way."
Felt a bit weird to have the narration call her Rachel right before she announces her name.

At that, Rachel frowned. "NO. Psyduck's name is Psy. P-S-Y. My ridiculous little brother spelled it S-A-I or something."
lol, love the theme. Do they have siblings who train Sigh and Tsai?

Kody stared at Meditite, his gaze distant. Slowly, he pulled out a pokeball and returned it. He stared at the pokeball for a moment, then looked up. "Well, I guess I was wrong. Your Zubat - sorry, Golbat, is impressive. You've trained it well." Kody strode forwards and offered his hand.
tbt to when this guy punched him in the face for their first meeting--I certainly wouldn't bother offering forgiveness to Koa if I were Kody, but clearly Kody is more mature than I am.

Any challenger could choose to wager money on an official challenge. Some gyms would allow anything from a minor 1 poke, to thousands more.
This makes sense as a construct for battles where both challengers can refuse--if a Cynthia-level trainer walked up to Koa and wagered ten thousand dollars on their match, he would say no because he knows he'd immediately lose ten thousand dollars. But in this system it seems like Gym Leaders are obligated to accept challenges; in that case, the wager doesn't seem fair since pretty much anyone challenging the gym is doing with the intent to win--if I'm understanding correctly, Flint could just roll up to Gardenia and bet a bajillion dollars for free money, right?

Plus, didn't Koa lose his battle with Roark? It felt kind of cheesey to have the wager only come into play once Koa isn't at risk of losing.

Hazard had done his job.
Again, oof, chilling insight into what Koa thinks pokemon's jobs are.

"Flash!" A bright light exploded from Roserade's hands, lighting up the entire stadium. Koa shaded his eyes with his hands. It faded after a moment, but the damage was done.
I think the logic here is that zubat don't rely on their eyes and so this should've done less damage, but usually cave-dwelling creatures that still have eyes tend to be overstimulated by too much light, so this would actually be a pretty effective way at stunning/disorienting Echo?

Gardenia chuckled, then smiled cheerfully. "Of course! I should have thought of that myself. " She withdrew a gleaming green object from her pocket and handed it to him. The Forest badge. "
I struggled to pin down Gardenia's experience here. The zubat line are super common in Sinnoh and I'm sure that many trainers would bring them to a grass gym for the double type advantage, so surely she would be familiar with something as basic as "bats don't rely on their vision as much"?

Wasn't it hard for you to raise your Pokémon to be so good? I guess that's a measure of how much you love your Pokémon."
This one felt like a game quote to me--I wasn't really sure where "strong pokemon" = "loved pokemon" here, or what particularly in the battle assessed that. This is the one where Koa purposefully lets a weakened Hazard face down Roserade in order to get a little more damage off even though he knows Hazard has taken too many hits to defeat Roserade--doesn't really feel like an expression of love.

And his Tyrunt is super powerful fresh out of the fossil--does this mean she's loved? Is there a version where love=/= strength?

"Echo, dodge and use Wing Attack!" Echo spun neatly out of the way. Koa stared at his dodge, intrigued. A thought began to dawn on him. Unlike when other pokemon he faced dodged, or even Hazard, Echo was different. Thanks to his naturally erratic flight patterns, he had a way of being unpredictable.
Likewise, I thought it was strange that he's been training Echo this long and has only realized that Echo flies in strange patterns--this seems to be a pretty basic thing you'd pick up from just watching Echo's "naturally erratic flight patterns"--implies that either Echo hasn't been flying around much or Koa hasn't been watching.

He staggered to his feet and reached for his pokeballs, cursing himself for not using his pokemon earlier. Instead of smooth round spheres, his hands met three cracked pokeballs.
Terrifying! If pokeballs break what happens to the pokemon inside?

"Not long." Maria said. "Roark brought you in earlier today. You're basically just bruised up from your little fight with the Rapidash. Maybe next time, you should think about having your Pokemon do the battling, hmm?" She grinned at him cheerfully.
I actually thought this was really interesting--if humans can take fully-grown pokemon attacks head-on like this, does this mean in this canon humans are sturdy enough to fight as well?

Stop making mountains out of Drilbur holes!
I struggled a bit with this phrase--usually the idiom is molehills, which refers to the pile of dirt above the hole rather than the hole itself, so the comparison to a mountain makes sense.

The scar was a serious wound, so it did leave a slight scar.
I feel like a word got swapped out here? Double scar was kind of weird.

"Cranidos greatest strength is his impenetrable skull. A Tyrunt's greatest strength is its powerful jaws." He chuckled again, wiping a tear from his eye. "Unstoppable force-"
Dropped an apostrophe on Cranidos
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
MMMMMM sweet sweet feedback! I really, really appreciate this. And you read to chapter 6!!! Getting some insight into how my story is perceived by others is fantastic. I get stuck in my own head, so its hard to tell what my story sounds like to anyone else. And don't apologize, I absolutely love love love the long reviews. This type of feedback is the only way I can really improve.

To start, I'm delighted you noted Koa's coldness and misguided perceptions of strength. That entire narrative of power and what it means to be strong was all 100% intentional and a giant theme throughout my whole piece, so knowing that people pick up on it is great. I really wanted to highlight Koa's immaturity. As you can see, he really thinks he knows everything about pokemon and strength. (News flash: He's stupid).

My exact intention was to kinda jab at the idea of applying game logic to the anime world. The two are separate entities, and I don't believe they should intersect. I've always ascribed to the way the anime makes you feel like any pokemon can become powerful through determination, love, strategy and friendship. So its something that will be seen frequently. I always was annoyed by the idea that a Pokemon can just suck by nature. Like a Plusle or Pikachu. Why should their stats be so garbage? Anyways, I'm going on a tangent. Suffice to say, all those moments were intentional.

I'm also glad the Tyrunt incident felt off. If you ever do have the chance to read chapter 7, that specific thing is addressed, so that's another aspect that's intentional.

(In fact, 80% of the stuff you bring up is fully intentional on my part, so seeing that someone did notice them warms my soul). To address a few specific things...

this line almost felt comedically exaggerated?
Huh. I never really meant for the punch to the face to come off as super violent. In my head, I was more thinking along the lines of 'school yard scuffle, kids getting into little tiffs'. I actually wanted to show that as flawed as Koa is, some part of him still does care about his pokemon, and he doesn't want anyone insulting him. It was also meant to lean towards being a bit comically exaggerated, as you said.
Now that you bring this up, it does make me wonder if this was a widely misinterpreted section... Hmmm🤔

I wanted to know a bit more about what he actually seeks to gain from this, what drives him to be the best, why he's razor-focused on getting a specific team together.
Hm. Someone else mentioned the unclarity of his drive. Methinks I really gotta work on that. The real reason he wants his Perfect Strong Team is not just to explore, but capture a legendary (if that's possible). Was his desire to catch a legendary not clear in the text? Please do let me know if it isn't cause I definitely gotta address that.
Although its fair to also wonder why he's simply obsessed with catching a legendary too. I suppose...

As a result, I found this line in chapter 5 really intriguing because I'm curious how Koa would answer--what does make a pokemon trainer? What qualities does he think a trainer should have, and does he think he has them?
Lucky for you, that's pretty much the entire theme of this whole story, so if you want to know what makes a great trainer, keep reading! :D

Overall, an interesting start! I wonder if things are a bit too easy for Koa--everyone keeps talking about how it must be so hard for him to have raised his pokemon; he must love them sooooo much--but under the hood the scenes we've mostly seen are him messing things up, hating his pokemon, and somehow muddling through to a victory that outsiders laud as excellent and unprecedented. Is training this easy for everyone to the point that you can make a ton of mistakes/not fully learn from them but still steamroller through two badges with relatively little effort, or is Koa just really, really good at what he does? A bit of both?
Hmm... This is definitely not something I noticed. Granted, I figure the first gyms would be easy for anyone. I've never seen the gyms in Sinnoh as insurmountable obstacles. Koa is also relatively talented. The fact that he analyzes battles ahead of time, plans strategies, and tries to lure people into traps is meant to show he's a touch unconventional.
But did it really come off as everyone saying how much he loves his pokemon? If so, I probably need to fix that. While Koa is getting a little better, I definitely wouldn't want it to feel like he's 'arrived' yet.
So... a bit of both?

I wasn't sure what the weight of being a starter means to Koa, or why he can't just release Zubat if he hates Zubat so much. It's clearly not an empathy thing haha.
Ah dang it. I have a nasty habit of having a thought in my head that never makes it to paper. This is one of those. I've always held the belief that in the world of pokemon, who your 'starter' pokemon is, or the first mon you catch/receive/are gifted is seen as very important. A starter kinda defines you, so a lot of kids like getting cool or strong pokemon. That, and the fact that Koa has an internal struggle. It's like when your kid brings home a cute stray puppy and you want to say 'no we can't keep a dog' but also its SO CUTE
Something else I'll add to my list of fixes though, about the importance of a starter. Thanks for pointing this out!

Again, oof, chilling insight into what Koa thinks pokemon's jobs are.
Now THIS is concerning. Did Koa saying this make it sound like he only saw Hazard as a tool? Because I didn't want that. I was actually going more for 'Hazard was determined to contribute, and knew that he could get in a final attack to help, and Koa recognized this fact, and knew Hazard could handle it.' But if it didn't sound like that, I really want to revise that, because that's not intentional at all. Yikes. 😬

-implies that either Echo hasn't been flying around much or Koa hasn't been watching.
Koa's a big fat dumb dumb

Terrifying! If pokeballs break what happens to the pokemon inside?
UHHHH... *sweats nervously* Honestly, I figure pokeballs take a tremendous amount of force to completely break. The opening mechanism might, but the inner casing is probably like,,, super tough.

I actually thought this was really interesting--if humans can take fully-grown pokemon attacks head-on like this, does this mean in this canon humans are sturdy enough to fight as well?
Not enough to take a pokemon in a head-on brawl, given how Koa was still hospitalized from it, but they are sturdy. Why are they sturdy? Well, the story will eventually answer the exact aspects of why. But let's just say it wouldn't make any sense for humans to be as fragile as we are... Hehe

That all said, you make a very good point about the first few chapters. Looking back, there's a lot of flaws and mixed messages in the ways I establish the story. A lot of this was from a draft of this story from roughly 5 years ago. I had copied a lot of that draft, which in hindsight wasn't the best of ideas. Back on my first version of the story, I intended to try and be 'Edgy'. So I wanted to be cool and try and add Super Lore. Bad idea. Lore ain't my strong suit.

In hindsight, I would very much love to revamp the start one day, establish the tone a lot better.

Thank you greatly for all your insight!! You've given me a whole lot to think about, and a lot that I'd like to work on in the future.
 

kintsugi

golden scars | pfp by sun
Location
the warmth of summer in the songs you write
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. silvally-grass
  2. lapras
  3. golurk
  4. booper-kintsugi
  5. meloetta-kint-muse
  6. meloetta-kint-dancer
  7. murkrow
  8. yveltal
To start, I'm delighted you noted Koa's coldness and misguided perceptions of strength. That entire narrative of power and what it means to be strong was all 100% intentional and a giant theme throughout my whole piece, so knowing that people pick up on it is great. I really wanted to highlight Koa's immaturity. As you can see, he really thinks he knows everything about pokemon and strength. (News flash: He's stupid).
I think that's totally fair! Kids have a lot to learn. But where I struggled is how the other characters react to him--they don't treat Koa's actions like something wrong; he doesn't really have to deal with the consequences of not learning.

The Gardenia example I quoted in my review really stands out then. "Wasn't it hard for you to raise your Pokémon to be so good? I guess that's a measure of how much you love your Pokémon. " Is she inexperienced or does she think that Koa has correctly demonstrated what it means to love a pokemon? Is Megan, who is apparently 20, really going to be at a loss for words when a kid drops some weird taunts at her? Would Kody really extend his respect? Why do Echo and Hazard follow Koa with undying loyalty? Or like, the Roark example is really weird to me--if the point is that Koa doesn't know anything about strength or raising pokemon and is borderline abusive, why would Roark help him by giving him access to more pokemon?

Asshole characters are fun to read/write, but I think it's important to remember that:
1) Other people tend to recognize assholes and treat them as such
2) Readers still need something to empathize with--at some point it stops being enjoyable to watch someone stomp around and keep being mean to people, you know?

Huh. I never really meant for the punch to the face to come off as super violent. In my head, I was more thinking along the lines of 'school yard scuffle, kids getting into little tiffs'. I actually wanted to show that as flawed as Koa is, some part of him still does care about his pokemon, and he doesn't want anyone insulting him. It was also meant to lean towards being a bit comically exaggerated, as you said.
Now that you bring this up, it does make me wonder if this was a widely misinterpreted section... Hmmm🤔
Oh, definitely didn't get that vibe! The line is "Koa punched him in the face", so I struggled to see that as anything less than lashing out with excessive force. I also felt like the fight was framed more "Koa fights Kody to prove that Koa isn't weak" rather than "Echo fights Kody to prove Echo isn't weak"--the latter is what's actually happening, but the former is how Koa sees it. It's kind of weird that Koa's way of showing that he cares about his pokemon is ... pitting them in fights they can't win, you know?

Comedy is tricky! I think it only works if there's an actual punchline--if it's comedy, what joke are we aiming for here? The rest of the fic takes itself pretty seriously so it's kind of hard to ascribe some things as comedy without more overt flags.

Hm. Someone else mentioned the unclarity of his drive. Methinks I really gotta work on that. The real reason he wants his Perfect Strong Team is not just to explore, but capture a legendary (if that's possible). Was his desire to catch a legendary not clear in the text? Please do let me know if it isn't cause I definitely gotta address that.
Although its fair to also wonder why he's simply obsessed with catching a legendary too. I suppose...
yeah, mostly the second question--why does he want a legendary? why does it matter? For me since he mostly sees pokemon as things he wants to collect, so is the legendary just an extension of that? The best thing to collect?

Hmm... This is definitely not something I noticed. Granted, I figure the first gyms would be easy for anyone. I've never seen the gyms in Sinnoh as insurmountable obstacles. Koa is also relatively talented. The fact that he analyzes battles ahead of time, plans strategies, and tries to lure people into traps is meant to show he's a touch unconventional.
Oh! I didn't realize his strong suit was strategy/analysis. I struggle to reconcile that with things like:
- not realizing that his starter can fly in erratic ways / "koa's a big dumb dumb"
- not studying Gardenia's team to know Cherubi is fast (which she specifically says is a common struggle for her challengers)
- not studying Roark's team to know Roark has three pokemon
- getting fooled by Dig, Flash, Levitate
I think it would help if more of the analysis/planning/trapping was shown on-screen. The strategies don't particularly seem ingenious--the Kody rematch gets resolved by Echo just being stronger, for example. The closest planning I think I've seen is probably how he thinks about beating Roark and Gardenia, but a lot of that is just framed around type advantage, which didn't seem particularly unorthodox.

But did it really come off as everyone saying how much he loves his pokemon? If so, I probably need to fix that. While Koa is getting a little better, I definitely wouldn't want it to feel like he's 'arrived' yet.
I found that pretty much every battle ends with either them saying he's trained his pokemon so well or that his battle was very impressive, yeah:
Wasn't it hard for you to raise your Pokémon to be so good? I guess that's a measure of how much you love your Pokémon."
"Your Joltik is pretty impressive. Here, a little reward from Bidoof and I."
"Can you forgive me, Zubat?" Without hesitation, Zubat shrieked happily.
Nicole sighed and returned Ponyta. "That was pretty impressive, I have to admit," she called.
"Those were some impressive strategies you displayed."
He ran into a couple of other trainers and was able to defeat most of them fairly easily.
"Huh. Pretty good. Your pokemon are certainly tough.

Ah dang it. I have a nasty habit of having a thought in my head that never makes it to paper. This is one of those. I've always held the belief that in the world of pokemon, who your 'starter' pokemon is, or the first mon you catch/receive/are gifted is seen as very important. A starter kinda defines you, so a lot of kids like getting cool or strong pokemon. That, and the fact that Koa has an internal struggle. It's like when your kid brings home a cute stray puppy and you want to say 'no we can't keep a dog' but also its SO CUTE
Something else I'll add to my list of fixes though, about the importance of a starter. Thanks for pointing this out!
Oh, that's interesting too! I think for me I really struggled to see where Koa draws the line--outlining that struggle better would help a bit?

Now THIS is concerning. Did Koa saying this make it sound like he only saw Hazard as a tool? Because I didn't want that. I was actually going more for 'Hazard was determined to contribute, and knew that he could get in a final attack to help, and Koa recognized this fact, and knew Hazard could handle it.' But if it didn't sound like that, I really want to revise that, because that's not intentional at all. Yikes. 😬
I think it would help to make Hazard's thoughts more clear then:
His Joltik cried out in pain as he was knocked back. Slowly, he got to his feet, his sides heaving. Koa gritted his teeth. Joltik couldn't last much longer after taking a hit like that. But perhaps there was a way to get a hit in before he fainted.

"Do you trust me, Hazard?"

Hazard looked back at him and nodded, his blue eyes sparkling with determination.
First paragraph: Hazard is hurt; he stands slowly. Focus switches to Koa now to do the math--Hazard will faint. But perhaps he can still be useful?
Second paragraph: Koa is the one to pose the idea that Hazard should stay in
Third paragraph: Hazard agrees
Koa knew there was no point in trying to dodge now. Joltik could never get away in time, his best bet was inflicting maximum damage. Roserade's hands glowed, and a volley of leaves shot out, knocking Hazard off. He landed a few feet away, unconscious.

Koa smiled as he returned him. "Nice work, Hazard." Roserade was panting heavily, and looked fairly worn out. Hazard had done his job. Now Echo could finish it. He tossed out Echo's pokeball confidently.
First paragraph: Koa determines that there is no point to trying to change course. Koa determines what the best bet is.
Second paragraph: Koa's smile. Koa's praise. Koa's observation of Roserade. Koa's assessment of Hazard's job. Koa's confidence.

If you wanted to make this seem like Hazard's determination, I think flipping the script would be better here--Hazard makes the calculation; Hazard chooses to stay in; Hazard convinces Koa to let it happen.

Thank you greatly for all your insight!! You've given me a whole lot to think about, and a lot that I'd like to work on in the future.
Glad this was helpful!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Duly noted. I'll have to see what I can do to fix some stuff. His accepting Golbat finally was supposed to represent a shift. His first battle with Roark, he foolishly leaped into too fast because he was impatient and reckless. But after this, there's supposed to be a bit of dynamic shift. He's on the path to getting better.

This is why he pays attention the second time to what Roark is doing and fights smarter, defeating him much more cleanly.

That Gardenia line I'll probably get rid of. It's taken straight from the game intentionally, but I don't want to give the wrong message. Although she is kinda an airhead... 🤔 It could perhaps be a speech she just gives to trainers, heh. But Koa really has been caring more about his pokemon I feel, but given that it reads too weird I'll probably change it.

Or like, the Roark example is really weird to me--if the point is that Koa doesn't know anything about strength or raising pokemon and is borderline abusive, why would Roark help him by giving him access to more pokemon?
I think its worth noting though that Koa isn't abusive. He would only be abusive if pokemon battling was perceived as a forced fight that severely injures a pokemon. But it doesn't hurt them like that, and fighting and fainting and losing and winning are all a natural part of a battle. Pokemon naturally want to join a trainer, and naturally have loyalty and want to fight. A much greater loyalty than the average human. He's a bit ignorant and daft, but not abusive/cruel.

The closest planning I think I've seen is probably how he thinks about beating Roark and Gardenia, but a lot of that is just framed around type advantage, which didn't seem particularly unorthodox.
He changes up a lot from how poorly he approached his first gym battle. He actually researches Gardenia's team. When coming to the realization that Cherubi is quick, he changes his strategy and intentionally predicts Cherubi's next move to trap it in the web.
He predicts Gardenia's move again with Roserade to get the parting strike on it.
In the battle with Roark, he prepares ahead of time for Geodude's dig, intentionally picking Hazard and using string shot, tripping it up to land a hit.

As for the rest of it, it's good to hear some solid input. Getting that outsider perspective is really going to help. Since I'm so far in the story, there's probably some things I may not be able change, but I will go back and probably tweak some aspects and lines for clarity. I'll have to take some time to decide what I can do.🙂
 

Starlight Aurate

Ad Jesum per Mariam | pfp by kintsugi
Location
Route 123
Partners
  1. mightyena
  2. psyduck
Here for catnip! I see kintsugi has already reviewed the whole thing, and I'm not going to be able to do quite that much in 48 hours ^_^; But I can give feedback on a few chapters! It's nice to see a trainer fic with an Original Character--though they used to be all the rage, I feel like they aren't quite as common as the likes of PMD nowadays.

Ranger guard stood outside, a Mightyena curled at his feet.
Awwww such a cute boy!

Well the plot sure is happening quite quickly: we've got a strange fellow on a Zebstrika and I'm sure we'll see, or at least hear, more from that in the coming chapters!

Huh, I had forgotten about gender differences between Pokemon until you mentioned them again here, with the Zubat having large fangs.

As of chapter 1, this seems to have a pretty clear path to follow. It's no coincidence that he catches Zubat in a Luxury Ball, I'm sure! I like seeing common Pokemon caught and used; there's something about it that makes it feel more ordinary and, (even though this might not make much sense) more special. Even though Koa doesn't have room in his great Plan for a Zubat, I have a feeling he'll keep it around, especially if a Pokemon that evolves by friendship is already attached to him and is in a Luxury ball ;)

One critique I have is that Koa doesn't seem to have much emotion as he's fleeing the Golem or the Golbat colony. He's aware of the severity of both situations and acknowledges that his life (and Zubat's) is on the line, but his escape from them doesn't seem that spectacular. Showing concrete actions of fear--like breathing hard, sweating, whether he's in constant anxiety or has a huge rush of adrenaline--can all emphasize the magnitude of the situation.

I thought the encounter with Joltik wanting to come with him was really cute! I know the whole "Pokemon wants to join me for saving me" thing can be cliched, but I think it's really sweet and it works well with the (current) light-hearted theme of this story. I'm a big sucker for fluff and friendship, so this is up my alley! I love the personality he already shows--with giving Koa little shocks when he didn't like the suggested names and finally settling on Hazard. Already so adorable ^_^

I got excited when the girl mentioned Team Galactic--I'm a big fan of Pokemon Evil Teams, and Team Galactic is one of the coolest, in my opinion! Though Koa thinks they've been wiped out, I have a feeling (a hope!) we'll see them at some point : P I also have a feeling that Koa is in for quite a humbling experience at some point--he's so focused on his perfect Plan and his Team--perhaps to a fault, as being so focused on details like that is setting himself up for failure. Granted, he is 14, so it's not out of the realm of reality.

That being said, Koa's focus on a Pokemon's value being deemed by their battle potential seems a bit utilitarian. He certainly cares about the Zubat's life and looks down on Poachers, but in the end mostly seems concerned by how successful he can become through the Pokemon he catches. This begs the question of whether he really views Pokemon as potential friends or more as objects to help him along in his path to success. I'm all for flawed protagonists, but as kintsugi said, sometimes they come across as jerks.

And it makes me more curious as to what Koa actually wants: does he want success and fame as a Pokemon explorer? That's the vibe I'm getting right now; he says he wants to be a great Pokemon explorer, and seems to be on his way with having connections with Professor Rowan--but then he looks down on Pokemon like Zubat and Joltik and doesn't seem to be interested in actually building relationships with them.

Something made him pause, however. You already have a flying type. Zubat.
Interesting! Looks like Koa hasn't fully embraced the notion of releasing Zubat yet!

The scene in Chapter 3 with Koa, Hazard and Zubat is really adorable. I'm all for human-Pokemon interactions and friendships, and you've done a good job with making this really cute! Which makes it all the sadder that Koa really doesn't care when Zubat is happy or proud : (

"We're gonna defeat him, Hazard. Then we'll beat another gym. Whatever it takes to get Tyrunt." He glanced down at Hazard, who clung to his shoulder, then at Zubat, who dutifully hovered a few feet behind him. If he didn't get Tyrunt, then all his efforts in the caverns would have been for nothing. Clenching his fists, he stomped out of the museum.
Well, that's sad! All of his efforts so far are focused on getting a Tyrunt--even training the Pokemon he currently has? I wonder how this makes the Pokemon feel--they can't feel too happy about themselves if their trainer is focused on only getting another Pokemon.

Roark came across as a bit condescending during the gym battle when he saw Zubat--not the attitude I'd expect from a gym leader. It can be refreshing to see him distinct from the other gym leaders and Pokemon League members in a way, but it also comes across as juvenile, especially when he's supposed to be a professional.

I think the gym battle was well-written, for the most part. If I had to point out a stylistic thing, I'd suggest widening you choice of words. For example:
Red energy emerged, drawing out the Geodude's energy.
You use the word "energy" here twice. Perhaps, instead of the first "energy," you can describe what exactly it is--a beam of light? A glowing ball? An aura around Zubat's fangs? It can give us a better picture and will make the sentence feel less redundant.

Anothe thing about battles is that, in chapter 3, you have two explosions happen:

Zubat's wings glowed as Geodude raised its fist. The two moves collided in the air, creating an explosion of smoke and wind.
There was a small explosion and Bidoof was sent flying back.
The only problem with these is that, in the first instance, it's two physical attacks hitting each other; neither would cause an explosion. The second has Bidoof roll into an electic web--an explosion wouldn't happen here, either. Explosions looks dramatic and exciting, so I can definitely see why you'd want that! But perhaps go for a different move combo--Geodude knows plenty of moves that kick up dirt and sand, which also creates dramatic effects. I don't know if Bidoof and Joltik know any combos that would cause explosions, so writing out what would likely happen there (Bidoof gets shocked, Joltik gets hit) would work just fine.

Koa punched him in the face. "No one calls my pokemon weak!"
This was my favorite part so far.

It was so sweet when he finally accepted and apologized to Zubat at the end of chapter 3! After how angy and callous he had been up until now, I felt like it was a scene that was definitely warranted. I'm hoping this is the beginning of some growth and character development for Koa!

That's all I have for the first 3 chapters! Apologies it was so short and not as detailed as kintsugi's, but it was what I was able to churn out in time. You've got a neat little fic here, and it's nice to see a good old-fashioned trainerfic again : ) Best of luck!
 
Chapter 21: KOa'd

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Chapter 21: KOa'd
Koa faces the Veilstone gym! Will he be able to win as easily as he believes?

Echo (Male Golbat)

Hazard (Male Joltik)

Rascal (Female Tyrunt)

Anubis (Male Houndoom)

Scrapper (Male Breloom)

Flurry (Female Spheal)



"Echo, finish this with Air Slash!"

Echo's wings glowed blue and hurled the razor-sharp blades of air at his opponent, a Haunter, knocking it to the ground. It didn't move again.

The Haunter's trainer, a young girl named Margo, returned her pokemon and grinned amiably. "Wow, your Golbat is really strong! You're nearly as good as the Battle Triplets I bet!"

"Thanks!" Koa replied. Echo flew back and settled on his shoulders, clearly pleased with himself. Margo, a young girl close to his age, had challenged him just before he entered Veilstone City. Echo had been quite eager for a battle it seemed, so he'd accepted her offer of a one-on-one. "Who are the Battle Triplets?" he asked curiously.

"They're these super cool siblings who know just about everything about pokemon. Like which pokemon are the strongest and which ones aren't, and all kinds of weird mathematical stuff. I bet they must be one of the strongest trainers in Sinnoh!"

Koa couldn't resist a snort at that. "Strongest in Sinnoh? What about Cynthia?"

She chuckled. "Well, not that strong I guess. But they are pretty tough. And smart, like I said. They helped me teach my pokemon some new moves and stuff. Maybe you should talk to them."

"Huh..." he mused. That sounded intriguing. If they really were some kind of experts on pokemon, they could help make his team stronger. It could only help in his journey, after all. "Where can I find them? Are they here in Veilstone?"

Margo only shrugged. "I think so. They were staying at the pokemon center a couple days ago. Maybe they're still there."

"Thanks for the tip. I'll keep an eye out." Koa started for the gate to Veilstone. "Good luck on your journey!" he called back.

"You too!" she called, before jogging away.

A renewed vigor filled Koa as he entered the city. He took a deep breath, reveling in the scent of the ocean mixed with the scents of the city. Echo fluttered on his back, clearly eager with anticipation. Fortunately, finding the pokemon center proved simple enough. It sported the usual trademark red roof, though was considerably larger than Celestic Town's. It stood at least three stories tall and occupied almost half a city block. He stepped inside and handed Echo's pokeball to the nurse.

When she returned, holding a fully healed Echo in his pokeball, he decided to ask her about the Battle Triplets.

"Oh yes, they're here now actually! They reserved the battlefield in the back," Nurse Joy replied.

Koa took Echo's pokeball back and started towards the rear exit. "Thanks!" he called back. He stepped through the doors and onto the battlefield. His eyes darted about as he took in the scene before him. He seemed to have arrived midway through a battle. A girl with a Minun stood on one side of the field. Opposite her stood three trainers, though only one seemed to be battling.

The first was a young boy with dark hair, green eyes, and narrow features. He was flanked by what Koa could only assume were his siblings - another young boy who was nearly identical to him, and a girl. Both sported the same color hair and similar features. They wore similar outfits as well: black jackets with silver studs, sporty leggings, and t-shirts. The only real difference between them seemed to be their hair. The lead boy, the one battling, had a streak of green. The girl had a streak of pink in her hair, while the third boy, who lingered towards the back, had a red streak.

Their opponent appeared to be using a Minun, while the green-haired boy seemed to be using a strange looking bipedal feline pokemon. Gray fur covered its chest and body, and red stripes circled its legs, arms and face. A fiery 'belt' of sorts wrapped around its midsection. It towered over the Minun, its yellow eyes leering down at its opponent. Judging by the looks of it, the Minun wasn't fairing well. It panted heavily and stood slightly hunched over, though its eyes still held a spark of determination. At a command from the girl, the Minun rushed forwards in a Quick Attack, darting around the larger feline.

I got off a single Spark attack before the feline twisted around and released a powerful Fire Blast attack from the 'belt' around its waist. The flames struck Minun before it could dodge, tossing it backward. Just like that, the battle was over.

The girl returned her Minun and tucked the pokeball away and crossed the field, shaking hands with her opponent. "Thanks for the battle," the girl said. "Your Incineroar is really strong."

So that's what that pokemon was. Koa recognized the name now as the final form of one of the three traditional starters given out on the islands of Alola. Obviously, it was fire-type.

The lead boy shrugged. "Incineroar are just naturally strong. High attack power and a wide-ranged moveset they can utilize. Minun just aren't strong."

A frown stretched across the girl's face. "But... He's the first pokemon I ever got. We've worked hard and he's done really well! I even beat-"

"Numbers are numbers," the boy replied, matter of factly.

His sister elbowed him hard. "Dimitri!" she hissed. She turned towards the girl and offered her an apologetic smile. "Sorry Joanna. Your Minun is lovely. I think what my brother was trying to say is that your Minun might not be the best for high-level competition. They simply... don't have the natural strength that other pokemon do. But he'll be just fine if you just want to do regular battles."

"Oh," Joanna said quietly. "Is there anything I can do to make him stronger? I don't want to get rid of him. I... I really like Minun."

Dimitri frowned and crossed his arms. "Oh please, Demetria. Don't try to sugarcoat the truth." He turned his gaze back on Joanna. "You should get rid of it if you want to go anywhere, kid. Some pokemon are just made to be weak. That's just stats."

"Oh..." she opened her mouth, then shut it and frowned.

Demetria waved her brother off. "Ignore my brother. He's all stats. I think it's sweet that you like Minun so much."

"You should teach your Minun Thunderbolt instead of Spark."

Koa's gaze was drawn to the third sibling, who until now hadn't spoken. He had his hands in his pockets and seemed almost bored. Or perhaps tired, Koa wasn't sure.

"How come?" Joanna asked quietly.

"Minun usually excel at using special attacks." The red-haired boy spoke in a low voice, so low Koa could barely hear him. "Unless your Minun has been specially trained, its physical power is very low. But if you give it a strong special attack like Thunderbolt, you can deal a lot more damage."

Demetria held up one finger. "I actually have a TM for that. I could teach it to your Minun if you like."

Joanna brightened considerably at the suggestion and nodded emphatically. Demetria pulled out a TM case. A few seconds later, the deed was done. "Thank you so much," Joanna said, smiling. She bid the three farewell then hurried back into the pokemon center.

Once she had left, Dimitri shot his sister a glare. "I don't get why you gotta be so soft with these trainers. Someone's gotta tell them the facts."

Demetria rolled her eyes. "Just because we know everything doesn't mean everybody else is interested in knowing. Maybe some people just like training for fun."

At that, Dimitri snorted. "Fun? What's the point in that?"

"Oh please," Demetria said. She rolled her eyes and gave her brother a shove. Dimitri just snorted and shook his head, though there didn't seem to be any malice in the gesture.

"We have company." The third sibling spoke again, and his gaze shifted to stare directly at Koa.

Koa flinched, then waved awkwardly. He hadn't exactly meant to eavesdrop, but he couldn't help but be intrigued by the trio. Although seeing how they had spoken to 'Joanna' put him on edge. All the talk about stats and numbers and natural strength annoyed him. He was sure there was more to training and to pokemon. Echo and Hazard were proof of that.

All three approached him, though Dimitri's expression seemed vaguely annoyed whilst his sister seemed amicable. Koa strode forwards, meeting them halfway. "Hey. Sorry about that, I didn't mean to eavesdrop." He held out his hand. "My name is Koamaru."

Demetria shook his hand firmly. Now that he was closer, he could see the three were probably in their late teens, a few years his senior. "Names Demetria. This is my brother Dimitri-" she gestured to the boy with the green-streak in his hair "-and this is my other brother, Deuce." She pointed over her shoulder to the third sibling, who sported red in his hair.

Deuce offered a nod in acknowledgment, which Koa returned.

"We're the Battle Triplets," Demetria stated proudly.

"I heard about you guys. You're some kind of battle experts, right? And you're supposed to be really strong?" he asked. Perhaps he could learn something from them, and make his team even stronger.

Dimitri frowned. "Really strong? Yeah, I guess you could say that. We're former champions of the Super Single Battle Subway. So yeah, we're strong. Not to mention champions of the Battle Tree."

"The...Super Battle Subway? And the Battle Tree?" Koa asked, gritting his teeth and doing his best to ignore Dimitri's derisive attitude. Dimitri rolled his eyes, which earned him a glare from his sister. "That's those specialized battle centers right? Like the Battle Zone, right?"

"Exactly. It's a special battle challenge in the Unova region," Demetria explained. "And the Battle Tree is located in Alola."

"Did you want something from us?" Deuce asked, his voice direct, though it lacked the abrasiveness of his brother.

"Well... I want to be a strong trainer. I'm working my way through the gyms right now, but I thought maybe you could give me some tips," Koa replied.

A literal groan escaped Dimitri, while Demetria seemed unfazed. Deuce nodded, as if he'd expected Koa's request. Koa resisted the ever-growing urge to smack Dimitri.

"Sure! We'd love to."

Koa found himself doubting if Dimitri would 'love to', but he put on his best face. Demetria seemed nice enough after all.

"So what kind of pokemon have you caught?" Demetria asked.

"Hopefully you've at least got a Gible or Gabite," Dimitri muttered under his breath.

Koa scowled at the reminder. He reached immediately for Rascal's pokeball and released her. She burst out with a roar, glaring at the three trainers in front of her, raising her snout proudly. He caught the looks of surprise on the faces of the three and relished it.

"Huh..." was all Dimitri said.

"Impressive," Demetria murmured. "So what else do you have?"

One by one, Koa sent out the rest of his pokemon. First Anubis, then Scrapper, Hazard, Flurry and Echo. They emerged with a cacophony of cries, making Koa smile slightly. As always, the sight of his team filled him with a sense of pride. Each of them was strong, and had trained hard. "What do you think?" he asked, grinning.

Silence met his question. Dimitri looked downright unimpressed, eyeing his team with a look of disdain, while Demetria seemed hesitant. Her gaze lingered on Anubis, who stared back at her, his gaze narrowed. Deuce's face was unreadable.

Dimitri spoke first, unsurprisingly. "Your team is unbalanced and ineffective."

Rage boiled inside Koa. "Excuse me?" His fists clenched unconsciously and he took a step towards the older boy.

"It's just facts." Dimitri took an annoyed breath before continuing. "It'd be impossible to use a team like that for competitive battles. I mean don't get me wrong, a Houndoom is pretty good. And a Tyrantrum would provide excellent attack power, especially if it has a good ability. But the rest of your team is not gonna go far in pro-level fights. Why is your Joltik holding an Everstone? If it doesn't want to evolve, catch another electric type. And a Golbat? Even if you can get it to evolve, it won't be tough enough. They can get revenge killed or taken out by Stealth Rock. And their attack isn't as good as some other pokemon. A good sweeper could knock them right out. And a Breloom? Sure they have a niche but they also have too many weaknesses. You'd be much better off with a Machamp or another strong fighting type. Maybe a few of your pokemon can work individually but your team synergy ain't great."

Koa blinked as his mind reeled. Anger pulsed inside him, and a hundred replies raced through his head, but none really matched the confusion, anger, and frustration he felt. His pokemon gave growls of anger, Scrapper, in particular, looking insulted.

Before he could reply, however, Demetria cleared her throat. "I... I think I have to agree with my brother on this one."

Koa whirled on her, ready to snap back. Noting his anger, she quickly held her hands up in a placating motion. "I'm sure you worked hard to train your team, and I have no doubt they're wonderful pokemon. But..."

"But what?" Koa snarled.

"Numbers are numbers is all. Statistically, your team wouldn't fare well in the long run. Individually, most of your pokemon aren't bad. But you have some gaps in your lineup." Her eyes roved over his team again. "A lot of trainers who become strong in Sinnoh use pokemon like a Garchomp or Staraptor for a reason. And usually, they'll have one of the traditional starters. Those are just stronger pokemon, I'm afraid. Not that you can't use your pokemon, but if you really want to break into the competitive field, you'll need to think about training a new team. Specialize more." She shrugged, then smiled, genuinely. "If you just want to challenge gyms though, you don't have to worry."

Deja-vu struck Koa as he heard her words. She almost sounded like he had when he'd first began his journey. More knowledgeable, maybe, but the same beliefs. Some pokemon were simply inherently better. "No. I want to battle with my pokemon," he growled, glaring in particular at Dimitri. "Any pokemon has the potential to be strong."

"Don't be a fool. You asked for our advice," Dimitri said. "You don't become the best by using a Raticate. Hitmonchan lacks any kind of reasonable defense. And Crobat are good but they're not top tier. It's just numbers." He shrugged, as if he'd stated something as simple as the weather.

"This isn't some kind of game!" Koa cried. "There's more to battling than just numbers. And I'll prove it to you. Come watch me battle at Veilstone gym. I'll show you what my pokemon are capable of." At that, Scrapper gave a cry of agreement, and Echo shrieked defiantly. A low growl rumbled in Anubis's throat.

Dimitri sighed. "No thanks-"

"We should watch," Deuce said. Both Demetria and Dimitri turned and looked at him, surprised. "Why not? Perhaps we may learn something," he said simply. They glanced at each other, shrugged, then nodded.

"We'd love to watch," Demetria said with an eager smile.

xXx

"Welcome to the Veilstone Gym." Maylene trotted across the packed dirt floor of the battlefield to her end of the field. A referee took up a position on the side, and Koa stepped into the challenger's box. His heart thudded in his chest, and out of the corner of his eyes, he noted the Battle Triplets seated in the bleachers beside the battlefield. A referee took up a position on the side of the field.

"So, you good with a three-on-three?" Maylene called.

Koa grinned and nodded. "Sounds good to me!" He already knew exactly which three pokemon he'd be going with. Echo first, obviously. As for his other two, he'd decided on the walk over that he would be using Hazard and Scrapper. Both deserved the chance to show off what they were capable of.

Maylene smiled, determination clear in her expression. She began to bounce lightly on her toes as if already anticipating the battle. "We'll go with the usual rules, if that's alright with you. You can substitute, but I can't. We continue until one of us is out of usable pokemon. Sound good?"

A trace of nervousness flickered through him as he nodded. He hadn't done any of his usual research or preparation. Had he made a mistake? Shaking his head, he pushed away the thought. No. He didn't need strategy anymore. Not with a strong flying type like Echo, plus his other pokemon. He could do this. Across the field, Maylene nodded to the referee, who held up his arm.

"This match will be between gym leader Maylene and Challenger Koamaru! Will the gym leader please send out her first pokemon," he said calmly.

Standing confidently, Maylene pulled out a pokeball from her pocket and released his first opponent. A tough-looking Machoke emerged onto the field, flexing its muscles. It grinned, taking up a fighting stance. Koa smiled. Well, if she wanted to use a Machoke...

"Go, Echo!"

In a flash of light, Echo emerged, shrieking eagerly.

"Battle begin!"

"Poison Fang!"

Echo had barely moved before Maylene called her attack.

"Brick Break!"

The two pokemon lunged for each other, Echo with purple fangs and Machoke with its fist glowing. As Echo drew near, Machoke struck at him. He wheeled narrowly out of the way and sank his jaws into Machoke's arm. In a blur of motion, Machoke smashed his other fist into Echo, sending him flying.

Echo caught himself midair.

"Air Slash!" Koa cried. With a flourish, Echo sent blades of air spinning right for Machoke's head.

Machoke lunged with impressive dexterity, dodging the attack. "Focus Energy," Maylene said. Machoke took up a defensive stance, tucking its head and arms inward. A golden orange aura flashed around its body.

Koa wasted no time calling his next attack. "Poison Fang." All it would take was a good dose of toxic poison and then an Air Slash or two, and he could win this, easy. Machoke probably wasn't even that strong-

Echo sank his jaws into Machoke's back, causing the reptilian pokemon to flinch. A purple sheen shone in its eyes and Koa couldn't resist a small grin and a glance towards the Battle Triplets. All three wore unreadable expressions, though Dimitri seemed unimpressed. Well, they would be soon. With the poison weakening Machoke, this battle was practically over already-

Maylene delivered her next command with absolute confidence. "Brick Break!" Glowing orange, Machoke leaped into the air, above Echo. Koa gasped. He hadn't expected such a muscular pokemon to be able to propel itself so high. In a single, swift motion, it brought its glowing fist crashing down on Echo, slamming him into the earth.

"Rock Tomb." Machoke landed neatly, then slammed both hands into the earth.

Panic seized Koa. "Echo, get up!" he cried.

Rocks surged upwards, surrounding the dazed Golbat, and blocking him from Koa's view. A split second later they crashed down on top of Echo, burying him. A silence fell over the battlefield.

"Echo!" Koa shouted. He jogged onto the battlefield as the huge rocks crumbled to pebbles. Through the faint film of dust, Echo's unconscious form was clearly evident. Heart sinking, Koa knelt next to his pokemon and scooped him up. His eyes flickered open and he uttered an apologetic squeak.

"It's ok Echo," he murmured. "We... we just weren't prepared for that Rock Tomb is all." Or maybe you underestimated your opponent. As soon as the thought entered his mind he brushed it off. Machoke had just gotten a critical hit, that was all. Without saying another word, he returned Echo and returned to his side of the battlefield.

His mind reeled, and he forced himself not to look at the Battle Triplets. This was not how this match was supposed to go. Echo was supposed to beat at least two of her pokemon. Instead he hadn't even beat one. Now he'd just lost his best advantage against the gym. His heart raced as his hand brushed over Scrapper's pokeball and Hazard's. Or perhaps Tyrantrum was a better choice? How would he defeat Machoke plus her other two pokemon?

After several more seconds of deliberation, he reluctantly released Hazard. "Alright Hazard, we gotta take down Machoke. It defeated Echo, but it's poisoned." Hazard chittered in acknowledgment and glared at Machoke. The reptilian eyed its small opponent with a look of amusement. It flinched again, clearly still suffering from the effects of poison.

At the sight of Hazard, Maylene smiled. "That's a pretty unique pokemon you got. Let's see how strong it is! Machoke, Rock Tomb!"

A silvery glow encompassed Machoke and it roared, a circle of rocks forming high above Hazard. With a grunt, Machoke brought them cascading down towards Joltik.

"Dodge with String Shot!" Koa called.

Hazard launched a line of web at one of the falling rocks, zipping to it and leaping off. He darted nimbly from rock to with String Shot, displaying an impressive jumping power that surprised even Koa. He landed safely outside the range of the rocks, only a few feet away from Machoke.

"Brick Break!" Machoke brought its fist down on Hazard, smashing him into the ground. Hazard uttered a cry of shock and staggered backward out of the crater, dazed. Koa cursed inwardly. Another hard hit. Not good.

"String Shot! Blind it."

Hazard shook off the damage and fired a blast of webbing at Machoke striking it in the face. It grunted in shock as its eyes were completely covered, and stumbled backward.

"Electroweb!" Koa shouted, determined to press his brief advantage. Hazard fired the burst of electrical webbing at Machoke, hitting it in the chest, causing it to grunt and fall to one knee. Hope briefly surged in Koa. He could still win this. Machoke was now severely weakened from the poison and the attacks. "Okay Hazard, finish it with Bug Bite," he said nonchalantly, confidence returning to him. He could have this battle in the bag.

Hazard's pincers glowed white and he moved towards Machoke.

"Machoke," Maylene called, her voice surprisingly calm. "Dynamic Punch."

As she spoke the words, she mimicked a punching motion, straight downwards. Machoke stopped struggling, holding up one fist. A vivid orange glow surrounded it and in a near exact copy of Maylene's motion, punched straight down. The command and action only took a second to execute. The next thing Koa realized, Machoke drove its fist straight into Hazard, sending him skidding backward. When he stopped, he lay still for several moments.

Koa gaped. Somehow, somehow Machoke had known exactly where to attack. Even blinded, it had managed to get off the attack. "Hazard, are you ok?" he shouted. Hazard shifted and pushed himself to his feet. He stumbled around a few steps, confusion kicking in. Koa cursed. Dynamic Punch was an exceedingly powerful move that sacrificed accuracy for power and hitting the opponent in such a way that it confused them.

Across the field, Machoke had just managed to pull some of the webbings off its eyes. It was breathing heavily, its whole body trembling from the effects of poison. Unfortunately, Hazard didn't look any better. Taking the effects of two very powerful hits had taken its toll. "Alright Hazard, use one more Electroweb!"

Hazard began charging the attack. Then, without warning, a pulse of electricity surged through him and he shocked himself. At nearly the same moment, Machoke staggered, then keeled over, finally unconscious from the poison. The referee raised his flags.

"Both pokemon are unable to battle! The match is a tie."

Koa's heart sank. He slowly raised his pokeball and returned Hazard, gripping the ball tightly. He was down to his last pokemon, while Maylene still had two. How on earth was he going to win this? This was all going so, so wrong. A sense of dread filled him as he selected Scrapper's pokeball and sent him out. At nearly the same moment, Maylene sent out her pokemon. A Meditite emerged, hovering a few inches above the ground, its eyes closed.

Scrapper glared determinedly at his opponent, dancing lightly on his feet and he threw a few experimental jabs. He stopped, then glared at Koa, giving a defiant cry.

Koa forced himself to focus. "Let's do this, Scrapper."

The referee called for the match to start.

"Mach Punch," Koa snapped.

Scrapper sprinted forwards, fist pure white. He became a blur, appearing suddenly in front of Meditite and slamming his fist into the opposing pokemon. It glided backward several feet, still maintaining its hovering posture.

"Seed Bomb."

Forming the glowing green sphere, Scrapper launched it forwards.

"Detect!" Maylene gave her command moments before the Seed Bomb struck.

Meditite's eyes shot open and pulsed with a green light. It twisted its body, allowing Seed Bomb to pass harmlessly by it.

"Now, Psycho Cut."

Meditite stood and held out its hands. Its eyes flashed purple and a crescent blade of energy shot from its hands, slamming into Scrapper, making him cringe. The Breloom caught himself, dropping briefly to one knee before standing again.

Swallowing, Koa forced himself to focus on the battle. "Sky Uppercut!"

Scrapper sprinted forwards, fist orange. Before Meditite could react, he drove his fist into the opponent's chin, causing it to fly into the air. It landed hard but quickly regained its footing.

With no hesitation, Maylene called her command. "Drain Punch."

Both of Meditite's fists began to shimmer with energy. It flitted across the field and appeared in front of Scrapper. It lashed out with one punch, which Scrapper dodged, then caught him in the chest with the second. Just as it did, however, Scrapper leered at it, grinning triumphantly. Meditite withdrew its fist. A second later, sparks danced over its body as it seized up. A brief moment of relief washed over Koa. Effect Spore had kicked in.

"Now, Seed Bomb!"

Scrapper summoned the sphere and fired it quickly. Meditite cringed, its eyes flickered purple as it attempted another Psycho Cut, but was cut short by a burst of static as its body froze. The Seed Bomb crashed onto its head, knocking it to the ground.

"Mach Punch!"

"Detect!" Meditite eyes flashed and as Scrapper blurred forwards, it deftly twisted out of the way. As Scrapper passed harmlessly by, its eyes flashed purple and it fired a Psycho Cut.

"Jump!" Scrapper leaped upwards just in time, allowing the attack to pass under him. "Giga Drain." Scrapper landed and shot a blast of green energy at Meditite, sucking away its energy.

"Psycho Cut!" It shuddered from paralysis, giving Scrapper an extra second to absorb more energy. Then its eyes shone purple and it blasted a blade of energy under the beam of Giga Drain. The attack struck Scrapper's legs, knocking him to the floor.

As Koa stared at the downed form of Scrapper, a hollow feeling grew inside him. Scrapper struggled to stand, his eyes still burning with determination. Meditite moved closer, still slowed by the effects of paralysis. No attacks, strategies or ideas came to him. What would be the point of trying to think of something now? The battle was over. Scrapper was conscious, yes, but there was just... no way he could succeed. Maylene still had one more pokemon.

"Bullet Punch." When Maylene gave the command, Scrapper glanced back at him and gave an angry cry. Meditite darted forwards. Its fists shone with a metallic sheen. The distraction was all the opening Meditite needed to hammer Scrapper's face with a rapid flurry of blows. He dropped to the ground, eyes closed. Unconscious.

"Breloom is unable to battle!" The referee shouted. "Gym leader Maylene is the winner."

In a daze, Koa returned Scrapper. He stared at the floor, his arms hanging loosely by his sides. From the corner of his vision, he noted the Battle Triplets, watching him.

Maylene approached, her expression serious. "That was a good battle. I can see that you care a lot about your pokemon. But you can't get ahead of yourself during a battle. A trainer should always give 100%, even if they think they've already won. And especially if they think they've already lost. I had to learn that lesson a long time ago. True strength isn't always about winning. It's in how you battle."

Koa merely nodded, barely hearing her words. He'd lost. And not just lost, but he'd been humiliated. He hadn't even defeated two of her pokemon. "Thanks..." he mumbled hoarsely. Turning away quickly, he rushed out of the gym. He didn't really want to see anyone right now, or for anyone to see him.

As he stepped outside, he desperately sucked in a breath of fresh air. A wild flurry of emotions surged through him. Disappointment, anger, sadness. Unlike his loss to Roark, this felt worse. Back then, it had just been inexperience. Challenging a gym with just one pokemon was stupid. This time... he didn't have an excuse. Worst of all, he'd lost in front of the Battle Triplets. At the thought of them, a sick feeling grew in the pit of his stomach. Were they right?

Picking up his pace, he returned to the pokemon center. His mind was still spinning, but he tried not to think about any of it. Instead, he handed his pokemon off to Nurse Joy and found a seat in the lobby to wait. A few minutes later, his name was called, and he picked up his pokeballs, clipping them back on his belt. He turned around, intent on leaving, only to see the Battle Triplets standing a few feet away, expectant looks etched across their faces. Or rather, two of them. Demetria and Dimitri.

"That was rough," Demetria said, offering a sympathetic smile. "You had a good strategy though, trying to poison her Machoke."

"I saw it coming from a mile away," Dimitri grumbled. "A Golbat, Joltik, and Breloom? Those pokemon won't cut it. A Breloom has too much dependence on a good matchup, and he isn't bulky enough to last long. And like I said, Golbat don't become properly viable unless they evolve. If you can make that happen. Although even if that did happen you could probably do better, considering your team build. And don't even get me started on your Joltik."

"Shut up!" he snapped. He clenched his fits, glaring furiously at Dimitri. "You don't know anything."

"Yeah, kid, the two-time winners at the Battle Subway and Champions of the Battle Tree 'don't know anything'." Dimitri snapped, air quoting his words. "Maybe it's time you faced reality. You-"

"I don't care," Koa growled out the words, his fists shaking. He was genuinely contemplating just punching the kid.

Demetria glared furiously at Dimitri. "Enough! Have some decency, Dimitri!" she cried. "You can't force everyone to battle like you." She turned her gaze upon Koa, "You should have no trouble beating Maylene, I'm sure. But if you like, I would be more than happy to lend one of my training pokemon to you. I have a Togetic that I've been working with that would be perfect-"

The offer was surprising, but he didn't care either way. "Thanks but no thanks. I'll do this my way." Turning on his heel, he started to stride away. Right now, all he wanted to do was train.

He hadn't gone more than three steps outside the center before he ran into someone. He stepped back, an apology on his lips when he recognized the boy in front of him. The third sibling of the Triplets, Deuce.

"Here to gloat?" he grumbled.

Deuce regarded him with a measured gaze, then sighed. "And you wouldn't have gloated if you had won?"

The question made Koa pause.

"You wouldn't have rubbed it in our faces, telling my siblings and I how your 'friendship' and 'bonds' can overcome anything?" His tone remained calm and even, free of any aggression.

Even so, it ticked Koa off. A scowl began to grow on his face. Before he could muster a response, Deuce continued.

"Do you think you're the first trainer my siblings and I have battled who tries to preach to us about the merits of friendship over facts and stats?" Still, his tone remained calm as if asking a simple question.

Gritting his teeth, Koa pushed his anger down. "No," he said slowly. "But it doesn't mean it's not true."

"How do you know?"

"Because-" Koa stopped in his tracks. He narrowed his eyes. "Are you saying it's not, then? Some pokemon are just born weak? Born lesser?"

Deuce regarded him carefully. "I didn't say that. But how can you stand there and tell me that friendship alone can take you anywhere after a battle like that? How can you claim that any pokemon can be strong if you can't show it?" He paused. His tone shifted, growing softer. "Actions speak louder than words. If you believe this so badly, then prove it."

Koa blinked, then frowned. "Why do you care?" he asked after a moment.

"Maybe..." Deuce began, then shook his head. He let out a long sigh. "Maybe I think there's more to it than just stats and numbers. And EV's and IV's. But if you can't back up your beliefs, how can you stand behind them?"

Koa blinked in confusion. "What does Eevee have to do with this?"

Deuce chuckled softly and shook his head. "Not that kind. Anyways, that's not what's important. I want you to succeed with your team. I want to know if you're right if there's more to pokemon than just natural strength." He smirked. "Of course, I won't believe it until you beat me in a battle. So you better train hard. And beat Maylene next time."

Koa drew back and blinked. That definitely wasn't the response he expected. He stood up a little taller, looking Deuce straight in the eyes and smirking. "I will. And I'll come back and beat you, once I'm done training."

Respect glinted in Deuce's eyes and he nodded, then started to walk away. He paused and turned back. "And here, you can probably use this, I think." Reaching inside his jacket, he withdrew a light blue disc. Koa took it from him. "Ice Beam TM. The fancy reusable kind. It would be good for your Spheal." With a faint grin, he turned and disappeared into the crowds.

xXx

Thirty minutes later, Koa stood on a hill at the edge of Route 215. It took him another several minutes of searching before he found a suitable spot for training - a valley in between two hills, partially surrounded by trees. He released all his pokemon, who greeted him with varied cries. A smile drifted across his face at the sight of them, and he paused to rub Rascal's head, and give Echo a scratch behind the ears. Then he addressed Scrapper, Echo, and Hazard.

"I'm sorry you guys," he said, kneeling in front of them. "I really messed up in that gym battle." He sighed. "I didn't prepare you guys, and we lost because of it." Echo and Hazard both offered cries of understanding, but Scrapper only fixed him with furious glare before grunting and crossing his arms. Koa's heart sank. Scrapper he'd failed worst of all. His heart twisted as he recalled the battle, how he'd given up at the end, barely bothering to give Scrapper a command. "Scrapper... I gave up on you during that battle. There's no kind of apology I can give to make up for it. But if you'll give me another chance, I promise to never give up in a battle again." Hesitantly, he reached out with his fists, offering Scrapper a fist bump.

For several seconds, Scrapper remained silent, his gaze fixed on Koa. Then he grunted and reached out, bumping his fist and grinning. Koa grinned back, relief filling him. "Now, how about we train?"

At that, Scrapper nodded emphatically.

xXx

For the next few hours, Koa trained alongside his pokemon. He sparred, refined their moves, and worked with Flurry. He regretted not asking Maylene if Flurry could watch the match. Even if he'd lost pitifully, the experience still would have been helpful for her. Instead, he'd let himself get so caught up with impressing the Triplets. Fortunately, her training seemed to be coming along quite well. She was growing in her strength and agility, and he felt sure he could teach her Ice Beam soon.

Between training sessions, he rested and did more research on Maylene. She had three pokemon she used for gym battles - Machoke and Meditite, as he knew, and a Lucario. Based on what he knew, she favored an aggressive, unrelenting attack style. She was also known for having counters for common weaknesses. Her pokemon were all agile and tough.

The rest of the day and night flew by. As the moon rose into the sky, Koa opted to make camp on the route. He wasn't too far from the pokemon center, but he liked it out here, in the quiet valley, away from the city. Everything felt somehow clearer and simpler. He sat at the campfire, surrounded by his pokemon, taking in the silence. His thoughts drifted.

At some point, he noted that his pokemon had fallen asleep - Flurry nestled next to Anubis, Scrapper leaning on a tree, and Hazard nestled in the crook of Rascal's arm. It took him a second to spot Echo, who was a few feet farther away, hanging from a tree branch. His gaze lingered on his starter for a few minutes.

Quietly, he stood up and softly walked away from the camp. He felt restless, and sleep seemed far off. His thoughts kept turning to the gym battle, and his conversations with the Battle Triplets. Everything had somehow gone so wrong... why? The thought had hardly crossed his mind before another followed. Specifically, Kitto's words to him in Celestic. Overconfidence can fell even the strongest trainer.

At that moment, he realized his problem had started a long time ago, ever since his battle against Fantina. A frown tugged at the corners of his mouth as he wandered farther away from camp. His thoughts drifted all the way back to his loss to Cade. Instead of trying to understand why he'd lost, he'd dismissed it. Except that had been his fault. He'd predicted the final attack wrong. And winning against Avis... he'd foolishly convinced himself that strength was key. Power. And then when he beat Kitto, he let it go to his head. Told himself if he could beat one fighting type, he could handle them all.

His scowl deepened and he clenched his fists. "I've been an idiot." He felt stupid. So stupid. Instead of actually trying to think, he'd stupidly abandoned the very thing that had helped him win so often. He reflexively smashed his fist against his leg, muttering angrily under his breath. Why had he let himself get this far? Avis had warned him, Kitto had warned him, and he'd ignored all of them. And the worst part of all of it? He could have won the battle today. But his overconfidence had made him mess up.

Deuce was right as well. If he really wanted to prove that any pokemon, any trainer could become great, he had to prove it. Talk didn't matter if he couldn't back it up. All the belief in the world didn't matter if he couldn't show the world what his pokemon were capable of. And he'd utterly failed to do that today against Maylene.

Throwing his head back, he let out a primal yell of frustration. For the first time, he noted the black clouds blotting out the stars overhead. Only the barest glow signified where the moon had risen. Lightning flickered amongst the clouds. Then an ominous rumble echoed across the hills. A drop of water splashed across Koa's nose and he blinked.

Then the heavens opened up. A torrential slew of rain poured from the skies, soaking him in an instant. Koa jerked back and stumbled, shocked by the sudden change in weather. He blinked, then peered at his Poketch. How long had he been out here? Judging by the time, well over an hour. His heart beat a little faster and he glanced wildly around. His pokemon were still back at camp! It took him longer than he liked to orient himself in the dark and the rain. Once he did, he set off at a dead sprint towards it.

Half running, half sliding, he descended the slope to the valley where he'd made camp. By the time he reached the bottom, his boots sank into the mud, nearly reaching his ankles. Grimacing, he picked his way to his tent. The comfortable fire from early had turned to ashy sludge, the only sign of his camp being his tent. His pokemon were nowhere to be seen.

A brief wave of panic surged through him before he saw the walls of his tent tremble. A half grin spreading over his face, he knelt down and pushed back the flap. His pokemon huddled together inside, barely able to fit thanks to the relative bulk of Rascal. When they saw him, their eyes lit up in delight.

"Sorry guys," he murmured. He took out his pokeballs, ready to return them. Hazard chittered urgently, his eyes darting to the outside. The cry was not one of greeting, but urgency and fear. Peering closer, he noted that all his pokemon seemed anxious. And there were only five. "Where's Echo?" he cried. Hazard sprang off Rascal's back and darted towards the flap, jumping up and down.

Koa's heart skipped a beat. "Echo's out there?" The storm was only intensifying, the winds howling above the valley and the rain boring down harder than ever. He quickly returned the rest of his pokemon and grabbed a flashlight from his bag, which he'd left in the tent. Then he charged wildly up the slope.

"Echo!" he screamed. The storm swallowed up his voice, but he screamed out again. Surely Echo could hear him, even through the storm. Right? He screamed again for his pokemon, though it was impossible to hear anything. At the top of the hill, he stopped to look around. He could see nothing, except darkness and rain. The occasional flash of lightning lit the sky, though he could still see no sign of his Golbat. A sick feeling churned in his stomach.

Fumbling, he turned on the flashlight. The powerful beam illuminated the night. "Echo?" he shouted again. He swept the beam across the sky. Nothing. The pounding rain eased for a moment, and Koa shouted again. This time, he thought he heard a faint shriek, so distant he doubted it for a moment. With nothing else to go on, he jogged in the direction of the cry.

A good minute later he heard another shriek, this one much louder. He swept the beam across the sky again and spotted a dark shape blur through the sky. Lightning flashed, illuminating the area again, and he saw a huge Staraptor, facing down Echo. His heart jolted. The rain shifted from torrential to a steady downpour. Then the clouds shifted just enough for him to make out the Staraptor as it dove at Echo, slamming into him and sending him spiraling through the sky. The Staraptor wheeled around and began to fly away.

"Echo, no!"

Echo caught himself and let out a screech. The Staraptor turned back, surprised. Then Echo shot through the sky towards it, aiming to sink his jaws into its body. It strafed around him, jabbing him in the back with its sharp talons and eliciting a cry from Echo. Sweeping his flashlight across the sky, Koa saw that Echo was thoroughly bruised. His flight was erratic and sloppy, and he looked as if he could barely keep himself airborne. What was he doing?!

He opened his mouth to cry out when Echo fired an Air Slash attack at Staraptor. A few blades struck the bird, making it shriek angrily. Folding its wings, it streaked like an arrow through the sky, smashing into Echo with an Aerial Ace. Echo was knocked out of the air and sent tumbling towards the ground.

Without thinking, Koa sprinted forwards. Echo's body was nothing but a plummeting shadow, barely visible. He lunged with outstretched arms, and Echo's body thudded into him. Pulling Echo closed to him, he landed and staggered. The ground fell out from beneath him and he let out a yell as he fell off an unseen cliff. A split second later, he crashed hard onto rocky, muddy earth and slid downward at an alarming rate.

Razor sharp rocks tore at him as he rolled helplessly down the hill. He clung tightly to Echo, his only thoughts on protecting the Golbat. At some point, he realized he'd stopped at the bottom of the muddy slope. He lay on his back, panting and limbs shaking. Blinking mud and water from his eyes, he glanced around to see he'd landed at the bottom of a muddy gully. Behind him, the hill stretched upward sharply. Still dazed, he looked down at the Golbat clutched in his arms.

Echo's eyes fluttered open and their gazes met. Koa peered closer at Echo and his heart twisted. The Golbat looked beyond exhausted and was covered with scratches and bruises. His body trembled, and he looked as if he'd been fighting long past his limit. A loud shriek overhead drew his attention and he looked up. The dark silhouette of the Starapator circled above. At the sound, Echo thrashed wildly, slipping out of his grasp and fluttering weakly upwards, utterly intent on fighting it.

"Echo stop!" he screamed. He leaped up but missed him by a wide berth. His mind raced as his heart beat frantically. "What are you doing! Stop!" He jumped again, though he knew it was useless. Echo was already halfway to the Staraptor. Mind reeling, he began desperately attempting to climb the slope.

His feet slid uselessly against the incline. Glancing around frantically, he spotted his fallen flashlight a short distance away. Snatching it up, he shone the beam upwards just in time to see Staraptor hit Echo again, sending him spinning. Echo retaliated with a quick Air Slash attack, striking Staraptor soundly in the chest, though it didn't appear nearly as worn down.

Koa's gut twisted. If Echo kept fighting like this, over-exhausting himself, he could be grievously injured. Why was he fighting like this? He had no more time to contemplate as Echo landed another hit with Air Slash. Almost instantly, the Staraptor wheeled around and struck back with Aerial Ace. The force of the attack sent Echo plummeting downwards. Koa ran forwards. At the last second, Echo caught himself just a few feet above the earth. Before he could fly away again, Koa seized him, holding him tight.

"You have to stop!" he shouted. He reached for Echo's pokeball, but Echo struck it out of his hand. The ball landed in the mud. He screeched anxiously and gestured up towards the Staraptor with one wing. "What? What do you want?" he shouted. Thunder boomed overhead and Echo gestured once more to the Staraptor, who had wheeled closer as if trying to see if Echo would continue attacking.

Once more, Echo gestured towards Staraptor, then fixed his gaze on Koa. Perplexed, Koa stared back. He searched Echo's eyes, trying to understand. Then, like a bolt of lightning, it struck him. Echo was trying to fight the Staraptor for him. So he could catch a strong pokemon. So he could beat the gym and accomplish his goals. His heart stuttered.

This whole time... Echo had put on a brave face. He'd supported him, gave his all in battle. But he'd never believed he could be great. That he could ever be strong enough to stand up to powerful pokemon and win. He'd played along, for Koa's sake. But as far as Echo was concerned, the game was up. He'd reached his limit and he couldn't get stronger. And he was willing to do anything to help Koa achieve his dreams, even if it meant being forgotten.

Echo let out a soft whimper, then reached into Koa's pocket with one talon, pulling out a spare pokeball that Koa always kept on him. Koa's heart broke. In a sudden rush of movement, Echo slipped from his grasp and landed on the muddy earth. He picked up the pokeball and rolled it towards Koa, giving him a long, meaningful look. Then he turned and began to stumble away.

For a second, Koa stared, stunned. Echo, the ever jolly and upbeat member of his team, his starter... doubted himself. This wasn't just about catching a new pokemon, Koa realized. This was Echo, who saw himself as unimportant and replaceable. Common. Insignificant. Without a word, Koa surged forwards and threw himself in front of Echo.

"Stop." He spoke softly, but firmly. Echo stared at the earth, not looking up. "Echo, you're my best friend. I would never give up on you. Even if I caught another flying pokemon, I wouldn't forget you. It doesn't matter if I caught a hundred Staraptor. Nobody can replace you."

"I want you to be there the day I climb Mt. Coronet," he spoke louder, his words tumbling out. "Just because you lost today doesn't mean you can't get stronger. It just means we have to work harder. I don't care what the numbers say! I don't care if we lose a hundred battles. I don't care how long it takes us, or if everyone says it's impossible. I stopped caring about all that the day I gave you your name."

At that, the Golbat's head shot up and he peered at Koa, disbelief in his eyes. Koa reached out, rubbing Echo gently on the head. "I believe in you, Echo."

Several flashes of light lit the night as the balls on Koa's belt opened of their own accord. Hazard, Rascal, Anubis, Scrapper and Flurry all emerged, forming a semi-circle around Echo, whose eyes widened in shock. Hazard bounced forward first, chittering something in pokemon language to Echo. Then the rest of his pokemon pulled close around Echo, even Anubis, who didn't seem to care at all about the rain. A sense of stillness seemed to fall, despite the storm.

Suddenly, a blazing light lit up the entire valley. Echo began to glow, the light intensifying until it reached a near blinding level. The rain died down to a steady drizzle. His pokemon all shifted backward, gazes fixated on Echo's shining form. His silhouette began to shift, slowly at first, then all at once. Two sets of wings grew from his rounded body and long ears stretched from his head.

As suddenly as it began, it ended. A shower of light exploded outwards, and then, before Koa's eyes, stood a Crobat. Silence hung in the air, only broken by the steady pater of rain. Echo's now yellow eyes blinked at Koa, who stared in open mouth shock at the Crobat that stood before him. Suddenly Echo gave a loud shriek, fluttered his four wings and twisted upwards into an artful loop before tackling Koa.

Koa caught him and fell backward, laughing, as the overjoyed cries of his pokemon filled the night. He marveled at the feel of the thin, yet soft fur of Crobat, and his new set of additional wings. He was roughly the same size, though his body appeared a bit rounder and more squashed, while his ears were much longer.

"Echo, you evolved..." he hugged Echo again, too happy to even think. He pumped his fist in the air and gave a loud, wild shout of pure joy before hugging his pokemon again. Echo let out a shriek that briefly left Koa's ears ringing, and wriggled from his grasp. His four wings began to beat, slowly at first, but more rapidly, as he rose into the sky. He began swooping and diving, testing his new abilities. At first, his movements were shaky and awkward, but they soon became smooth and natural, as he learned the rhythm of his own wings. In minutes, he was dipping and twisting through the skies showing off a wild display of acrobatics.

As Koa watched, a strange sensation filled him. Pride, mainly, but also tentative excitement. He got a strange feeling, the same he'd felt after earning his Trainer's License. A whole new chapter of his life was about to start. A new chapter of his journey.


Echo has finally evolved! With his starter stronger than ever, no doubt he'll be challenging Maylene again. Will it be enough to earn him a victory?

Echo (Male Golbat)

Hazard (Male Joltik)

Rascal (Female Tyrunt)

Anubis (Male Houndoom)

Scrapper (Male Breloom)

Flurry (Female Spheal)
 
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Flaze

Don't stop, keep walking
Location
Chile
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. infernape
All right, catnip here!

Well so far I've only been able to get to chapter 3, I do plan on reading the rest of the story but I think this is as far as I can get for now.

Okay so my general thoughts on this is that it's been a while since I've read a straight forward journey fic. Now that's not a bad thing, especially because Sinnoh is one of my favorite regions and it's been a long time since I've read a fic taking place in it. You also take some interesting turns and the general conceit of a trainer having to learn to adapt to a team that isn't what he originally planned is a good basis for a story focusing on character growth.

I also have to give you props for the fact that you made a zubat really cute! Like I'd never actually thought about it, but Echo is pretty adorable all things considered and I hope he can keep getting stronger and showing everyone that he's not just another zubat. Pokemon personalities is actually something you're able to get across really well and in general your prose is quick and concise enough that you're able to give us more details on the characters and their surroundings without bogging the story down too much.

What I've seen so far of the story also reminds me of something out of the anime and manga in a way, the way in which you go about adapting Diamond and Pearl's story but throwing little twists and swerves here and there to help differentiate the story keep it creative and the world-building you sprinkle in from time to time, such as the different modes of transportation; the ranger outposts; and the domes meant to keep all the battle mayhem in the field, help paint your version of Sinnoh in a better life.

Akoa as a character is also really interesting. He's got that same sense of adventure that you'd expect to see in your typical journey protagonist but he's also kind of bratty and has a very big chip on his shoulder, which does make him come off as more his age. The character journey he has to go through of learning to accept that he can't plan life to a T and learn to roll with the punches, as well as controlling his temper. I also like that for as much as he acts like he's got everything under control he's actually very under-prepared for most situations.

And now, for the thing that I think jumps out the most in these three chapters, and I know you said you're going to edit the first few chapters but I still think it's worth pointing out, is that it feels like the story itself doesn't have time to breathe.

What I mean by that is that the story in each chapter progresses very quickly. It made sense in chapter one for Koa to go to Jubelife and back quickly because it was set up for his journey and also focused on showing us who he was. I think you stroke a good balance in chapter two when he was in Ore Mountains, and you did great when it came to narrowing down the tone and atmosphere of the scene. But after that, and through most of chapter three, Koa and his pokemon just kind of went from point A to point B with very little room for development on where they were and what they're doing.

For example, Akoa just arrives at Oreburgh, runs to the museum, meets Roark, battles Roark, and leaves all in the expanse of what amounts to one scene. I know that part of that is that you probably feel that this is all territory we all know and it doesn't help anyone to go over material they know. But it would still be great to see how Koa's interactions with the characters can help flesh him out and the world more because we barely get to see what Oreburgh is like or who Roark is, what his prior relationship with Koa and his cousin is and what he thinks of his training methods. We're so focused on going from point A to point B that we don't take enough time to really explore the places we're in...which is kind of the point of a journey isn't it?

This also applies to Koa's relationship with his cousin, I'm sure we might get more details o that later but I would've liked to see more of how he and his cousin interact besides their older brother/little brother exchanges. How does he feel to have been raised by his cousin? Or about the fact his parents aren't there? Do him and Blake clash over things or are there any habits Koa's picked up from him that influence who he is? I feel like we'll be able to get to know Akoa even more if we can dig deeper into who he is as a person and what his past has been like.

Sadly, the problem of moments not getting their chance to breathe also affected the plotline I was most looking forward to, which was Akoa finally accepting Zubat. The way it happens at the end of chapter three feels really rushed. I'm glad that he was able to come to terms with Echo and accepted him, but based on his prior interactions with him I thought this plotline deserved a more slow burn.

Like maybe Akoa could start by seeing that, hey, Echo can really fight and has a lot of willpower, maybe he does give him the nickname but it's more of a "well you're gonna be here a while so might as well" kind of thing. I feel like it's something that could've benefitted from a bit more time and more scenes showing him actually seeing how Echo went against his perception of zubat, and to see those perceptions be challenged. Maybe it would've even been interesting to see how him not accepting Echo caused his relationship with Hazard to deteriorate even more, putting him even more on the spot. Now it just kind of feels like that plotline was very quickly resolved as part of an arc.

But well, that's really the main issue I took notice of story-wise. The story itself has a lot of potential and some interesting tidbits I really like or want to see more of, but I do hope later chapters let the story expand and develop a little more. But I also can't wait to see how Akoa continues to grow and change as he journeys through Sinnoh.

Anyways, I'll keep on reading and keep up the good work :)
 

Equitial

Ace Trainer
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. espurr
  2. inkay
  3. woobat
  4. ralts
Chapter 1

You asked not to give much feedback on this chapter, so I won't. I will say that it felt too long. I think we could have started later, maybe right before Koa runs into Zubat for the first time? Him traveling and talking with his cousin is fine, but there's time for that later in the fic. For a first chapter, you mostly want to jump right into what your fic is about.

I did like Koa though. Something I appreciated while I read is that he really feels like a fourteen-year-old. He's immature, but in an endearing way. After reading this chapter, I'm good with reading more about him.

"Good luck little K," his cousin called.

"Oh please. I got this. Luck is for losers!" Koa replied, smirking.

"That's why I offered it."

I know they're cousins, but this is peak sibling banter. Made me chuckle.

Chapter 2

A lot sure did happen in this chapter! It flew by really quickly -- I felt like I was reading for only a few moments before it was over. Action-packed, and we're learning more about Koa and his goals, but at the same time more about his flaws. Having a flawed character isn't bad, but some aspects with how Koa was portrayed made me somewhat frustrated.

My main issue with Koa is how he treats Zubat. Koa is a very focused kid, and one who doesn't have a good grasp on empathy yet. That makes sense, but I feel it went a bit too far. Zubat obviously likes this kid, and he's very affectionate and eager to help him. The battle where he faces the Machop I was smiling for him:

Zubat emerged from the pokeball with a delighted shriek.

And then Koa's reply:

Koa returned Zubat with a sigh. Despite Zubat's triumph, he couldn't find it in himself to be impressed, not when the Machop was clearly the weaker opponent.

This makes perfect sense because he hasn't achieved much character growth, but when Zubat jumps out to defend Koa from both the Golem and the Golbat nest, Koa began to grate on me more.

A light emerged from his belt and coalesced into the form of Zubat. He shrieked at the Golem, who roared in return. The roar shook the tiny cavern, small rocks falling from the ceiling and rattling the ground.

Go, Zubat!

"Phew," he murmured. He still didn't want to keep the Zubat, but he didn't want to see it hurt, either. Until he released it, it was technically his pokemon. Regardless, the encounter only made him more desperate to capture a real pokemon.

"No more challenging ridiculously strong pokemon," Koa snapped. He pulled out Zubat's pokeball and returned him, shaking his head.

To be clear, it's fine that Koa isn't wholly appreciative, but I really disliked the kid in the second paragraph. Snapping at a Pokemon who just saved him seems harsh. Now, this is realistic and could have kept me on, but I feel like he wasn't narratively held responsible for his actions. Zubat still really likes him; he still has a loyal Pokemon. Then, when he (and Zubat!) bravely fight the poacher, he's rewarded with another unexpected Pokemon, whom he likes because he views Joltik as cooler.

Narratively, the events and conclusions don't feel satisfying to me because his mistreatment of Zubat doesn't feel like it's addressed. I'm assuming this will be rectified later on during the story, but for now I feel frustrated.

But moving on, I did like all the action. The fight scenes were fun, and I particularly thought his conflict with the Golbat nest was tense and exciting. I liked the moment when he realized they were there:

An entire colony of Zubat and Golbat hung from the ceiling. A nest. Their wide-open eyes gleamed in his flashlight beam as they glared down at him. He took a step back and stumbled, his beam sweeping wildly across the ceiling. A loud screeching filled the room and the sound of hundreds of wingbeats echoed as they left their perches, swarming the cavern.

The Golbat's attack -- yikes! Something that surprised me is how dangerous Pokemon training seems to be in this universe. Poor Koa nearly died twice in that cave -- perhaps he should have listened to those guards. Still, they said it was restricted to trainers who had two gym badges, which isn't that many. It makes me wonder if Koa really understands what training is like.

Random bit:

"Let's see..." Koa mused. "How about Jolt?"

Joltik immediately delivered a small shock to him.

I mean, Koa asked him if he wanted to be named Jolt and Joltik answered with a jolt. Easily could have been agreement, right? ;)
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
To be clear, it's fine that Koa isn't wholly appreciative, but I really disliked the kid in the second paragraph. Snapping at a Pokemon who just saved him seems harsh
Now, this is interesting. The "rebuke" coupled with the line before it about Koa not wanting to see Zubat hurt is supposed to read more like he's snapping at Zubat cause he got scared that Zubat nearly got himself hurt. A bit like how a parent might snap at a kid who almost ran into a busy street.

Maybe I'll have to see about adding some additional inner monologue to make this clearer.

As for Koa and Zubat, don't worry, that point is one of the cruxes of the entire story. It is something the story shall address.

And yeah, heh. I really want to fix so much stuff in chapter 1 sometime... there's so many things to adjust😅. Much too long and stuff that could be spent talking about other stuff.

Thanks for the review!
 

Dragonfree

Moderator
Staff
Location
Iceland
Pronouns
she/her/hers
Partners
  1. butterfree
  2. mightyena
  3. charizard
  4. scyther-mia
  5. vulpix
  6. slugma
Hey there! I'm glad to finally get around to checking out this story, and deeply amused by the multiple hilarious similarities to my fic. :P

I realize you said chapter one isn't very representative and you'd like feedback to be less focused on it, but unfortunately it's all I managed to read tonight, so it's all I can comment on right now. I'll give my thoughts/reactions anyway while refraining from going too nitpicky or line-by-line (hopefully I'll have some new things to say that you haven't heard before!), but know that I completely understand why editing chapter one may not be your first priority at the moment and that's fine! Some stuff may be different/improved in later chapters and that's also completely understandable.

A rush of salty air greeted him as he stepped outside. Closing the door behind him, he drew in a deep breath of familiar ocean air. The tall buildings of his hometown, Canalave, rose all around him. A sense of familiarity flowed through him as he began his usual routine, starting with a few basic warm-ups.

As he did, a flock of Pidgey and Starly landed not far away and watched him expectantly. He grinned and waved, then pulled out the pack of seeds he always kept with him, tossing them a few. The birds descended upon them, eagerly pecking them up. They shrieked a thank you before flying off.
A nice character-establishing moment! Koa is brash and very focused on his ideal battling team for the purposes of being a trainer, but we also see established that he regularly feeds bird Pokémon for the hell of it and otherwise is just a basically kind soul who likes to help out random Pokémon.

As he climbed, he recited his Plan. Luxray, Gyrados. He scrambled over a branch, pulling himself higher. Staraptor, Nidoking. He lunged to the next handhold. Tyrogue. With a final heave he pulled himself into a spot at the crown of the tree. out his stopwatch, he hit pause. 1:47.
I think there's some kind of typo involved with "out his stopwatch, he hit pause".

I'm curious why his plan involves all fully-evolved Pokémon except for Tyrogue - I don't expect he's planning to just keep it unevolved.

It's interesting how Blake just springs a three-day delivery trip on Koa as a surprise, and Koa is actually immediately into it! That says a lot about his character, and makes sense given he's all about exploring and the journey. Just immediately enthusiastic about any excuse to get out into the wild, even when that excuse is "someone wants him to run errands".

(Does he just live with his cousin? How old is Blake? It doesn't sound like any parental figures are around.)

"Be careful with that bike. They aren't cheap you know," Blake said.
Is this a game reference? :P

"Hey watch it you moron!" Koa screamed. He scrambled to his feet, but he only managed to catch a glimpse of the person. They wore a dark hooded cloak and rode upon a Zebstrika, which explained the speed and electricity.

Koa sprang onto his bike and started pedaling, but his legs were no match for a Zebstrika. Within seconds they had disappeared over a rise in the road Still, he kept going for several minutes, fueled by anger. Eventually, he stopped, breathing heavily. His heart hammered and his damp shirt clung to his body.
I wonder if this will be coming back :o

"Huh, I guess you wanted some honey?" Koa mused out loud. He'd never known Zubat to be lovers of honey, but there were always exceptions, he supposed. The Zubat chittered and nodded its head. Koa turned back towards the tree.

"How about it, Aipom? I'm sure Zubat doesn't want the whole tree, right Zubat?" The Zubat nodded emphatically. The Aipom eyed Koa and the Zubat for a moment, then nodded. With a grateful squeak, Zubat landed on the tree, gratefully licking the honey off.
Hmm, I'm kind of surprised this is all it took? Did Aipom think Zubat wanted the entire tree before? If it was for some reason convinced a single Zubat would or could do that, why is it quite so easily convinced otherwise, just by this seemingly obvious clarification by a random third party who can't exactly vouch for Zubat's intentions?

Rowan nodded and stroked his beard briefly. "I have to get back to my lab, but keep your phone with you once you start your journey. I may need your help with a project of mine soon."

Koa's eyes lit up. "What project?" he asked eagerly.
Again with his enthusiasm about being asked to run errands or help with things! Very cute and distinct.

Thankfully, he didn't plan on leaving until after the exam. He'd have a chance to stop back by Canalave before he left. His cousin was awake and waiting for him already. The closest exam center was in Jubilife, which meant they would have to take a special bus there. The bus let them out at the gates to Jubilife, and his cousin walked with him the rest of the way. They stopped in front of a large, squarish building with a massive domed roof. Bold letters above the doors spelled out 'DTL' and in smaller letters beneath it read "Department of Trainer Licensing.' Koa started for the double doors.
Huh. Earlier it took Koa three days to bike to Jubilife and back, which suggests this'd be a fairly long bus ride, right? I feel like this narration kind of makes it sound like an immaterial one.

"Good luck little K," his cousin called.

"Oh please. I got this. Luck is for losers!" Koa replied, smirking.

"That's why I offered it."

Koa's smirk disappeared and he shot Blake a scathing glare. After a moment, he smiled. "Not bad, I'll give you that."
Lovely character dynamic. Makes me curious about their living arrangements again, though - the way there don't seem to be any parents in the picture vaguely seems to suggest Blake is his guardian, but that's not really what the dynamic that they have seems to suggest (as I think Equitial brought up, this is very sibling energy).

"Edgar Fennel." A stocky blond boy bounded onto the stage. Fyren handed him a card, then posed for a picture before leaving the stage.

One by one, more trainers were called out.

"Hilgar."

"Lyra."

"Geoff."

"Cade." The caped boy strode confidently on stage and received his license. A moment later, he left the stage and hurried out of the hall. With each name that wasn't his, Koa became more worried, jittering his leg and tapping his fingers.

"Koamaru Averon."
I figured the reason you were listing first names only there was basically to give a general idea of what's going on while Koa isn't particularly paying attention to every trainer's name. With Cade, though, one would think Koa would be paying attention - he's been paying close attention to him all exam. So this makes it sound like they just literally only read out a couple of trainers by both first and last name, which sounds pretty odd.

The next morning, Koa awoke bright and early. He checked his bag again, making sure it had all his supplies - plenty of pokeballs from the shop, as well as a few potions and his usual supplies of clothes, a sleeping bag, and a small pocket knife. Once his backpack was ready, he logged onto his computer for what might be his last time. With a few clicks, he logged into his favorite website, a forum for legendary sightings. Skimming the list, he scrolled until he found the listing for Sinnoh pokemon. He didn't expect to see anything - Sinnoh didn't feature many roaming legendaries like Kanto or Johto did, but it was always worth a check. To his surprise, there was one new addition to the forum.
I like this - getting a sense of him having this particular hobby and actually being on an internet forum for it. It might have been fun to see more of it earlier in the chapter too, if you ever go back to it!

I'm kind of surprised that not only does Blake give Koa three different presents none of which sound cheap, he gives him one to start with and then for some reason only gives him the others the next day. Given Blake apparently assumed Koa would be heading straight out after his test, I would've thought he'd give him all the presents he meant to there?

He frowned and peered closer. The Zubat's fangs indicated it was male, and the fur on its body was sticky and matted. With honey. Koa groaned. Something told him this wasn't just a random Zubat. It was the same Zubat from the honey tree a few weeks ago.
I was wondering how he was going to realize it was the same Zubat, but there you go, that makes sense. :P Very cute, bringing back this particular Zubat's unusual love of honey to establish his identity.

It does make me wonder how it happened that he bumped into the same Zubat (presumably) three separate times, though, including in at least two entirely different places. Is it a coincidence that they keep bumping into each other, or has Zubat been discreetly following him the entire time since he helped him get honey - including journeying to Jubilife and back twice, once on a bus? Maybe it's some kind of combination? I'm curious whether we'll find out in the story - it doesn't sound like this is a universe where Pokémon can verbally communicate with their trainers.

I enjoy the fleshed-out worldbuilding you're doing here regarding training and how it works, particularly the idea trainers are meant to have some physical skills and take a test for that - that's something I don't recall seeing before. It lends the world its own flavor and makes everything more grounded and believable. I'm also enjoying the way Koa is characterized so far - he just seems like a pretty good bean, if one with unnecessarily specific ideas about exactly what Pokémon he wants on his team, and the fact he's so enthusiastic about helping and traveling and running errands that his cousin makes him deliver mail as a nice surprise is kind of delightful.

Like others have mentioned, though, I did find the chapter fairly slow, with a lot of it spent on explaining worldbuilding in the narration or blow-by-blow descriptions of things that don't really end up mattering except for maybe one small thing that happens somewhere in the middle. Again, totally understandable to have a somewhat rough first chapter, not expecting you to be editing it right now, and it sounds like you've heard it plenty, so I'm not going to linger on it, but for transparency's sake I don't want to leave it out altogether - it was my main issue with it as I read.

Hoping to return to this and read more later! Might manage to fit it in next week, now that I've reviewed one chapter so it'll be eligible for the theme. Looking forward to seeing how the story evolves towards the newer chapters!
 

Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
Hey Tetra! Here for your Review Blitz prize. I read the first two chapters.

I'll start off by talking about Koa. You do a good job making certain traits of his clear--that he's very competitive, very fixed in mindset, pretty arrogant, and believes the world is something that he can arrange into what he wants, through schedules and good planning. He's not open to the unexpected, but the unexpected is just what he gets. I enjoyed his relationship with his cousin. It's clear they're close, but also makes sense that their relationship would be more informal, since they're closer in age. It'll be interesting to learn what's behind his family situation, and whether this plays into any of his preoccupations.

You've got a lot of worldbuilding thoughts scattered around these first two chapters. That's great, but there were places where that exposition felt forced, and not really arising out of the context of the scene. I've highlighted a few places in the line-by-lines. In general, if there's something about the world you want the reader to know, it can be useful to consider how you could work it in without taking a breather in the narrative to lay it out. How people interact in the world is a really easy way to do that. You do it well in the scene where Blake warns Koa about engaging in unofficial battles.

Particularly the first chapter felt like it suffered from a bit of bloat. Not every step of a journey is necessary to tell--readers can fill in details themselves. We don't need to be told Koa ate breakfast unless the way he eats breakfast is important, or telling us something about him. There's nothing wrong with just sticking a scene break in, and picking up where the story picks up again. The flipside of that is that when there's a thing that's really important to the narrator-like Canalave library or legendary pokemon--I want to know more about it. Specific details are really useful to make something feel important and real to someone. "He loved the library and spent all his time there" vs "He'd recieved his first library card when he was eight, and hadn't looked back since. The Canalave library had a loft area with a plush red couch and assorted bean-bags. The purple bean-bag belonged to Koa. He beelined to it whenever he visited, and if someone was already sitting there, he'd stare at them, clicking a pen loudly, until they got uncomfortable and switched spots." etc. The latter example is longer, but it's doing narrative work. Whereas descriptions that are generic don't do any narrative work, and can be safely skipped past.

This looks to be a character-driven story thus far, but I struggle a bit with what the stakes are. Koa's main internal conflict revolves around his Perfect Plan being upset. It's obvious he's going to come around to the zubat though, and as problems go, this is a pretty small one. Koa's got everything going for him, and any trouble he's gotten into, the zubat has gotten him out of. I'm also curious about his goals.

His ultimate dream was to actually capture a legendary. It was a dream he'd never shared with anyone, not even Blake. Though for now, he would settle for a picture of Regirock. He didn't expect to actually be able to capture a deity like Palkia or Dialga, but perhaps one of a trio of legendary birds or dogs. Research suggested there could be more than one of the species. Personally, he wasn't sure he believed that, but if it were true...
That would be something. Or perhaps he could even catch a mythical pokemon, like Shaymin. He turned his attention back to his surroundings.
Koa shuddered at the mere mention of the name. He'd heard plenty of tales from Blake about how the organization terrorized Sinnoh some years ago. They'd kidnapped the sacred Lake Guardians.
So, I'm a bit perplexed as to what legendary pokemon mean in this world. The first paragraph treats them like rare, exotic animals--very prestigous and exciting if you capture one--and the word 'deity' seems half-hearted. But in the second quoted paragraph, it seems like Koa believes some pokemon are sacred and shouldn't be captured. What makes him any different than Team Galactic if he's scheming to catch a deity? I also want to know what the general attitude towards legendary pokemon is in the world. Has Koa not shared his dream because he'd be laughed at or because it's blasphemy? Where did his dream originate? It seems very unfocused--any legendary will do! But what's the exact attraction? Power? Rarity? What is he imagining will happen if he catches one? I also wonder how the standard badge-quest plays into this goal. Why not try to become the assistant to someone whose day-job it is to research legendary pokemon, if this is what he most wants?

Okay, I think I've rambled on enough. More specific feedback in the line-by-lines. I'll try to circle back and read more when I get the chance!

I have spent a fair amount of time browsing fanfics, but one thing that always saddened me was the lack of OC-centric stories. Many of the top reviewed ones were self-inserts or isekai type stuff.
I feel like the isekai stuff is a recent trend. When I first got involved in the fandom, it was all OCs, no isekai to be seen. Murphy's Law is one of my favorite OC-centric stories (and it's a Hoenn fic too!): https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12067725/1/Murphy-s-Law. I also think you'd really enjoy Keleri's Gods and Demons, if you haven't run into it already? It's on the forum here Pokémon - Gods and Demons | Thousand Roads Forums but not up-to-date. The full thing is on ffn.

He glanced down at his watch. 6:05. Time to get dressed. He pulled on green cargo pants, boots and a black t-shirt. Then he grabbed a jacket off a chair. The sturdy material had served him well, but the wear had begun to show. It was worn in many places, and sported its fair share of patches. He gave his room a final cursory glance, then grabbed his backpack off a chair and jogged downstairs.
I'm not sure we need all this. You could cover all the relevant details by saying something like, "Koa glanced down at his watch. 6:05. Time to get going. He grabbed his sturdy, but much-worn jacket off a chair, swung on his backpack, and jogged downstairs."

Toenails clicking on wood floors echoed through the quiet room and an Absol emerged from a hallway.
Absols as dogs is a new one for me! Seems like an odd pet to have, in light of all the absol lore, and just how generally rare they seem to be.

Koa rubbed the pokemon's head affectionately.
"Nice to see you too. Ready for a little exercise?"
Missing line break

"Because I said so," Blake replied, smirking. The smirk changed to a friendly smile. "It's a surprise."
"Changed" reads a little oddly to me as a verb choice--like it just happened like a switch being flipped. Maybe, "The smirk gave way to a fond smile." Or, "His smirk softened into a smile."

"Hey!" His cousin called sharply.
Speech tag here, so "his" should be lower-case.

"Tsk tsk. You should always carry your pokemon's pokeball with you. And something to defend yourself."

Koa rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah." His cousin tended to be over paranoid, in his opinion. Most pokemon wouldn't attack humans or seriously harm them. Only the angriest or most territorial pokemon would. And even then, humans were tough. He tucked Absol's pokeball into his pocket.
I'm not sure I follow his cousin's reasoning here? Koa is taking absol along--isn't that equivalent to having something to defend yourself?

A rush of salty air greeted him as he stepped outside. Closing the door behind him, he drew in a deep breath of familiar ocean air.
These sentences are basically redundant--saying the same thing. I'd use one or the other, but not both.

A sense of familiarity flowed through him as he began his usual routine, starting with a few basic warm-ups.
"Usual routine" lets us know that it's familiar, so this sentence also felt a bit redundant.

As he did, a flock of Pidgey and Starly landed not far away and watched him expectantly. He grinned and waved, then pulled out the pack of seeds he always kept with him, tossing them a few. The birds descended upon them, eagerly pecking them up. They shrieked a thank you before flying off.
Seeds! I'm surprised he hasn't made friends with a starly already, considering he plans to have one on his team. They're clearly not uncommon.

He took a route through the city taking time to take in the sights of his home. It wouldn't be long before he had his trainers license and he could start his journey. There was a good chance he might not return to Canalave for a long time.
Here he's taking his time, but later it sounds like he was timing himself on how quickly he could do this whole journey?

The second and third sentences should probably be combined. "Once he began his journey, it could be a long time before he returned to Canalave."

In between houses, he could catch glimpses of the two large wooden bridges that spanned the town, dividing its two main districts. The west half was primarily housing, while the eastern was composed mostly of businesses. The only things of note on the west half was the library and the gym.
This description doesn't feel like it's pulling much weight in the narrative. As I reader, I only care about the layout of Canalave to the extent that Koa cares about it, and impersonal descriptions like this aren't giving me any character insights. I don't think the story would lose anything if you cut this.

The library was his favorite place in the entire city. He'd spent countless hours inside its walls, reading everything he could about his favorite topic. Legendaries.
In contrast, here's something Koa cares about. The library! I want to hear more about that. Does he have a favorite spot in the library? Has he stayed there until closing and looked out the window to see the city sparkling with light? Does he know the librarians? Etc. Places the protagonist cares about are nice to have fleshed out; stuff that doesn't matter to them can be passed over.

Root like vines
* Root-like

"Don't get too comfy," he declared with a grin.
'Koa declared with a grin' would read better here to me.

As he climbed, he recited his Plan. Luxray, Gyrados. He scrambled over a branch, pulling himself higher. Staraptor, Nidoking. He lunged to the next handhold. Tyrogue.
Tyrogue? He plans to have a non final form pokemon on his team? Or is it just that he doesn't know which of the three it would evolve into? It's interesting that for someone so fixated on the perfect team, he'd choose a pokemon where something it up to chance.

*gyarados

The Trainer's License exam featured a rock wall that he had to climb in 3:00 or under. It wasn't hard at all, but he wanted to push himself. While a lot of trainers he spoke to dreamed of challenging the League, he had an entirely different goal. He dreamed of becoming an explorer. If he could climb a tree in less time, he was sure to pass that part.
Sentences feel a bit out-of-order here. "If he could climb a tree in less time, he was sure to pass that part." seems to belong with the first two sentences, though honestly I don't think you need it--it's pretty clear by implication. I think the paragraph transitions more smoothly without it:

"The Trainer's License exam featured a rock wall that he had to climb in 3:00 or under. It wasn't hard at all, but Koa wanted to push himself. While a lot of trainers he spoke to dreamed of challenging the League, he had an entirely different goal--becoming an explorer."

But the usual three starters didn't interest him, not really. He wanted the third option - taking a few pokeballs into the wild, and catching something weak, and raising it. His thoughts traveled back to his Perfect Team.
I'm trying to figure out exactly what the appeal of the third option is--from everything he's saying, it's because he wants to be able to get the exact pokemon he wants for his Perfect Team. But the sentence seems to mention catching something "weak" in particular, as if that's the attraction. But the sentence below has him being happy that Shinx are powerful off the bat.

Shinx weren't too hard to find, and even though he wouldn't have an immediate type advantage, they were powerful pokemon, and excellent in battle.
Type advantage against what?

Then he could get Starly to help with grass types.
Not sure why the Starly doesn't come first, considering there are so many starly in his area.

Beyond that, he hadn't considered catching more Pokemon. Trainers who caught more than six Pokemon could have their Pokemon sent to one of many Pokemon Ranches, or to a Professor. Otherwise, a trainer would be registered to a PC system. Science wasn't one of his interests, so he had no idea how it worked, but he knew the gist. PC's served as a 'digital space' in which Pokemon could roam about and relax freely until they were recalled. Much like a Pokeball, he knew it acted as a sort of stasis as well, so injured Pokemon would be just fine. Regardless, he wasn't really interested yet in trying to train more than six Pokemon.
This exposition felt very turn-to-camera. I think you can just leave off at the fact Koa doesn't plan to train more than six pokemon. How PCs work can come up when it becomes relevant in the story, no?

He'd met the Professor a few years back and immediately grew close to him. It seemed as if Rowan had a never-ending wealth of knowledge, and with his help, he'd learned a great deal about pokemon.
Some specificity would be nice here. Did he help the professor with any particular experiment? Or was this listening to his lectures? Or did he just pepper him with questions?

"Yeah yeah yeah. I know how to travel dude."
Needs some commas here! "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know how to travel, dude."

Blake handed Koa a paper bag. "I packed you lunch."

Koa took the bag, stuffing it into his backpack. "Anything else, mom?" he said teasingly
Blake and Koa seem to have a good relationship! I'm curious why he lives with his cousin. Are his parents dead, or is there some other reason he can't live with them?

"You can take Absol, but no battles! He's there for protection only, got it? Last thing I need is a call from Officer Jenny about an unlicensed trainer using my pokemon in an illegal battle."
This was a nice, organic way to slot in the fact that you can carry pokemon without a license, but need a license to battle other trainers.

By the time the sun began to set, he had nearly reached the West Inlet Ranger Outpost, a small outpost manned by Pokemon Rangers. The outposts were a common sight in the wilderness and on routes. They acted as a rest stop for weary travelers and as an emergency healing center. This one was just west of a large inlet, which was spanned by a series of bridges and boardwalks. He paused outside the ranger outpost, a plain log cabin looking building surrounded by a tall fence. A Ranger guard stood outside, a Mightyena curled at his feet.

A sigh of relief escaped him. The Outpost meant the first leg of his journey was over. As he approached the gate, the ranger held out his hand, barring him. "ID please."

Koa pulled out his ID. The Ranger examined it closely, then handed it back with a nod. "Be careful. There have been reports of people getting mugged at night."

Koa nodded in acknowledgment and headed inside. A short time later, he settled into a room, eating dinner with Absol.

The next morning, Koa awoke early. He purchased some food from the Ranger cafe, then set out. The next part of the journey would be slightly more challenging.
A lot of the exposition here could come out naturally through the encounter with the ranger. For example:

[Koa reached the West Inlet Ranger Station just as the sun began to set. The outpost was small, a plain log cabin surrounded by a tall fence. A ranger slouched outside, a mighteyena curled at his feet.

As Koa approached the gate, the ranger held out his hand. "ID, please." He examined Koa's card closely, then handed it back with a nod. "It's getting late. You had better stop on here for the night."

"Are there beds free?" Koa asked, crossing his fingers behind his back. Once, he'd made the mistake of coming through here during the peak training season and had been forced to sleep on the floor, squished between a snoring old man and his over-sized machoke.

The ranger grinned. "Your lucky day, kid. We've got beds."]

Here, we don't need to be told here that outposts act as a rest-stop--we see it in action. Also, it's just more lively to read humans interacting, rather than a kind of disinterested summary.

I found the ranger's warning about mugging very perfunctory--did he mean mugged at the outpost? Or on the route? Generally warnings from someone whose job it is to give warning contain more helpful details. Like, "We've had reports of muggings north on the route. Travel by light, and keep your pokemon out at all times. If someone does approach you, though, don't try to be tough. That's how people get hurt."

He passed by several trainers, and a few even challenged him, but he was forced to refuse. If he was caught, he would be prohibited from getting his trainer's license. Last time, the police hadn't pressed charges but he doubted he would be so lucky if he did it again. Even though anyone was allowed to carry a pokemon, only licensed trainers could participate in battles, or try for the gym circuit.
Nice detail about Koa getting caught illegally fighting--shows his eagerness verges on recklessness.

(The last sentence here is already clear from the context from his cousin and the earlier sentences, I think.)

"Hey watch it you moron!" Koa screamed.
This reaction seemed a little exaggerated? (Comma needed after Hey)

Maybe, "Hey, watch it!" Koa shouted.

Finally. He turned around and started pedaling south again.
I think you mean, "Finally, he turned around and started pedaling south again."

By the time he reached the Southern Inlet Ranger outpost, he was a good hour behind schedule.
Telling character detail. Even when nothing's at stake, he doesn't like to deviate from the schedule he sets for himself.

Or just a foolish trainer.
I wasn't sure where the "foolish" comes in? Reckless trainer, maybe?

At the edge of the clearing, a small Zubat lay, stunned. A wave of pity washed over him at the sight of the poor creature. He knelt next to it and pulled out a potion from his bag and sprayed the Zubat. After a few moments, it fluttered to life, emitting a happy shriek.
This scene is a big deal in the story, but this description feels a bit perfunctory! I also think this would have a bit more impact if the choice to use the potion isn't automatic. Like, maybe he's supposed to keep it reserved for Absol? Ex:

"At the edge of the clearing, a small Zubat lay stunned. Poor thing. Koa hesitated--he had a potion in his backpack, but that was meant for Absol. If they ran into any trouble on the road, and he had no potion, things could get nasty.

One of the zubat's wings fluttered weakly, then drooped back down.

On the other hand . . . they were almost at Jubilife. And anyway, Absol could handle himself. Resolved, Koa knelt to the ground and took the potion from his bag, spraying the zubat's small body. After a few moments, it fluttered to life, emitting a happy shriek."

Judging by the size of its fangs, it was male. He wondered what he was doing all the way out here. Zubat and Golbat tended to stick to colonies. Usually, they lived in caves, although some lived in forests or in cities. This one also didn't seem as bothered by sunlight as other members of its species.
Nice details--shows that Koa is pretty knowledgable about pokemon in his area.

"How about it, Aipom? I'm sure Zubat doesn't want the whole tree, right Zubat?" The Zubat nodded emphatically. The Aipom eyed Koa and the Zubat for a moment, then nodded. With a grateful squeak, Zubat landed on the tree, gratefully licking the honey off.
A little confused by why Koa saying this as opposed to the zubat saying it makes a difference. Can pokemon not communicate between species?

Once he was there, he stopped at the local police station to report the man on the Zebstrika, then he headed for the school.
What does reporting the man on the zebstrika look like here? Koa didn't exactly get a license plate number!

Rowan frowned. Or at least his normally stern face got slightly more stern. "Planning ahead is good, but remember not to limit yourself. Unexpected occurrences always happen during a trainer's journey."

"I know," Koa said, trying to hide the impatience in his voice. He didn't really mind surprises, but he didn't want his team to be one.
This interaction rings true. Koa respects Rowan to a certain extent, but he's got his mind made up.

"But remember, although Pokemon desire to bond with a human, that bond still goes both ways. Just as humans desire strength, Pokemon possess a deep desire to connect with humans and grow stronger with them. As you journey, you must remember to respect that bond we share and their desire for strength. Just as they will respect yours."
This is a little jumbled.

It sounds like Rowan is saying, "although pokemon desire to bond with humans, they also have a deep desire to connect with humans"? Which is just the same thing twice. I'm confused about how pokemon's desire for strength vs bond are playing into each other here, as well as the implication that humans are entirely motivated by a desire for strength? Don't humans have any desire to connect with pokemon?

The rogue Mightyena lunged forwards, knocking the ball out of his hand. It rolled several yards away. The Mightyena snarled, prowling in between him and the ball. Koa gulped. His heart beat a little faster and he stared anxiously at the pokeball.
Oops! Guess cousin was right to be paranoid!

Koa hesitantly reached for the baton clipped at his side. The Mightyena lunged for him. Koa dove to the ground, rolling away from it. He scrambled to his feet, still eyeing Absol's pokeball. Mightyena remained between him and the pokeball, much to Koa's annoyance.
I'm not sure annoyance is the right emotion? This seems like a pretty dangerous situation.

The action here is also a little jerky. Maybe, "Koa hesitantly reached for the baton clipped at his side, but before he could grasp it, the mightyena lunged. Koa dodged with a roll. When he scrambled back to his feet, the mightyena still stood between him and the pokeball. Damn. Somehow, Koa didn't think his baton would do much against a fully grown mightyena. "

Suddenly, a loud, high-pitched screech from above assaulted his ears. The Mightyena whimpered and folded its ears.
Stuff like ending consecutive sentences with the same word can feel singsongy.

Several feet above, a small Zubat hovered in the air. It screeched again, then dived at the Mightyena. The Mightyena leaped away, then glared at the Zubat, as if contemplating attacking. Apparently it decided it wasn't worth the trouble and gave a single bark, then darted back into the woods.
Pretty badass zubat!

"Good luck little K," his cousin called.
Needs a comma after good luck! 'Little K' should be capitalized, because it's being used as a name.

A young lady
'Young lady' feels super weird to me in a teenager's internal monologue (that's a phase old dudes use.) I think "woman" would be best here.

Koa flew through the quiz, though he couldn't help but note that a few other trainers handed theirs in first. The caped trainer from earlier handed in his test a few minutes before he did.
Good detail with him noticing other people hands in theirs first. He clearly likes to be the best at things.

the Ekans movements
* the ekans' movements

"What!?" Koa shouted. Hippopotas gave a matching cry of shock.
Do the pokemon get rotated so frequently that Hippopotas has never fought the elektross before? It would be kind of funny if this happened all the time and Hippopotas is just resigned to terrible noob trainers not knowing how this works.

The waves reached Eelektross and passed right under, fading away. Eelektross didn't even flinch.
Never assume, young man. Eelektross has a special ability known as Levitate, which causes ground attacks like Earthquake to miss. And although type advantages can win a battle, don't forget that a skilled trainer must also account for his partner's weaknesses."
This did feel a bit game-logic-y, though. It feels like any realistic interpertation of Levitate as an ability involves physically floating off the ground, which a trainer should be able to notice by sight.

"Koamaru Averon."
Why does only Koa get a last name here?

Blake's eyes looked far away, and despite his upbeat tone, Koa knew better. He shook his head. "I'll take the bus back to Canalave with you. I have a few supplies to pick up, and I'd love to visit the library one last time." Technically, it was true. He did want to see the library before he left, and he could always stock up before he left. Of course, he didn't bother mentioning that he had everything he needed to set out on his journey now. He knew Blake would miss him, and even though he wouldn't admit it to him, Koa knew he would miss Blake.
This was one of my favorite moments of the chapter. Nice to have Koa caring about his cousin, even if they're both emotionally stunted.

The next morning, Koa awoke bright and early. He checked his bag again, making sure it had all his supplies - plenty of pokeballs from the shop, as well as a few potions and his usual supplies of clothes, a sleeping bag, and a small pocket knife.
Sounds like travel in your world doesn't involve much sleeping out in the wilds?

With a few clicks, he logged into his favorite website, a forum for legendary sightings. Skimming the list, he scrolled until he found the listing for Sinnoh pokemon. He didn't expect to see anything - Sinnoh didn't feature many roaming legendaries like Kanto or Johto did, but it was always worth a check. To his surprise, there was one new addition to the forum.

Potential Regirock sighting at Ore Caverns?!

Koa eagerly clicked it. He skimmed the information. A trainer had posted a blurred photo of what appeared to be a Regirock. The silhouette definitely looked like a Regi, although the trainer also admitted she only caught a glimpse and was uncertain if it really had been the legendary titan.
Ah, forums! What a weirdo--who uses those, amiright? It's a nice indication that legendaru-spotting is something Koa's interested in. I'll be curious to see what legendaries mean in your world.

Most cave systems had multiple entrances. There was no way he was passing up the chance to go inside now that he was here. Plus, the Zubat line was not that dangerous. As long as he kept quiet, he should be fine.
This feels impressively stupid. Earlier it seemed like Koa had some knowledge about pokemon, but it doesn't occur to him that more than zubat live in caves? Or that rangers might know what they're talking about?

The beam revealed the small bluish body of a Zubat. He frowned and peered closer. The Zubat's fangs indicated it was male, and the fur on its body was sticky and matted. With honey. Koa groaned. Something told him this wasn't just a random Zubat. It was the same Zubat from the honey tree a few weeks ago.

Zubat fluttered into the air and shrieked happily, then settled on his head again. Koa growled and shook his head, displacing it. "Oh no you don't. Scram," he hissed.

Either the Zubat didn't understand, or didn't care, and immediately dived for his head again. He ducked out of the way and made a shooing motion. "No!" He could guess this Zubat was trying to join him, and he had no intention of allowing it. There definitely was not room in the Plan for a Zubat.
I found it odd how violently Koa reacts here? Considering that he seems pretty well-disposed to pokemon in general. It's not hurting him by perching on his head, and all he has to do to stop it from interfering with his plan is to . . . not capture it.

Clearly, the Zubat had no intention of leaving. If it kept following him, it could alert every wild pokemon in the area to him. And more importantly, it could scare off any legendaries.
This stretched my suspension of disbelief. Zubat are clearly native to this cave. A zubat zubating around isn't going to alert wild pokemon that anything is out of normal. And it seems very odd to think a legendary pokemon would be scared of a zubat.

He pulled out his camera and started walking.
Ooh, what kind of camera? Is Koa like really into the legendary spotting thing and has a ton of gear, or is this something cheap and disposable? He'll need a good flash if he wants to take pictures in a cave.

With a small sigh, he slowly withdrew Zubat's Pokeball. He didn't want to turn down a challenge, but he really wasn't interested in a battle with a Pokemon he didn't want to keep.
Could he turn down this challenge? What would happen if he backed away?

Koa returned Zubat with a sigh. Despite Zubat's triumph, he couldn't find it in himself to be impressed, not when the Machop was clearly the weaker opponent. He was beginning to regret not going straight to Rowan's lab. Maybe if he had, he could have found a Shinx. Even so, the Zubat had battled well on its own. For a Zubat, at least. His heart was still set on a Starly though.
Should have caught a starly earlier then, dude. I am curious--since people are permitted to own pokemon without a license, why not start raising a starly early to get a head start?

The reasoning of not impressed that pokemon won because pokemon that won is clearly stronger is weird to me--it's awknowledging the zubat is strong. Maybe you could mention the type advantage instead? That's a way to explain the victory without giving Zubat too much credit.

A golden orb of energy appeared in Golem's mouth and it fired it towards Zubat. Without a second thought, he darted towards his fallen pokemon. At the last moment, Koa grabbed him and rolled out of the way as the orb exploded behind them. He cradled Zubat close as he stared down Golem. He needed to get out of here, fast. A few yards away, to his left, was another entrance. If he could distract Golem, he could escape through there.
There's something about "Without a second thought" that feels like the narration is tugging at my sleeve and saying, aw, look at how selfless Koa is. I think you can leave off that phrase and let the reader draw their own conclusion from his actions.

Koa opened an HP checker app on his Poketch and scanned Zubat. A few seconds later, the results popped up. Full HP.
This feels very video-game-y. I could see an app that can check health through indicators like temperate and heart rate, but the HP thing is just weird. Something like, "Vitals normal" maybe? Or go the route of Gods and Demons and have energy level scannable?

Until he released it, it was technically his pokemon. His responsibility. Regardless, the encounter only made him more desperate to capture a real pokemon.
I'm glad he's taking a sense of personal responsibility here.

The last sentence strikes me as odd--was he ever dsperate to capture a real pokemon? He chose to go legendary spotting rather than pursue that goal.

"No more challenging ridiculously strong pokemon," Koa snapped.
The zubat wasn't the one who challenged the golem? I'm pretty sure Koa did that by falling rudely onto it?

Koa took a step back and shuddered, looking away. Likely an errant researcher or hiker who had wandered too far. What does that make you? He thought. A chill traveled down his spine and he forced his gaze away from the skeleton. There was no evidence of a pokemon skeleton, so he could have simply come in alone and been overwhelmed. Besides, they looked pretty old. Something else quickly drew his attention away from thoughts of being killed by wild pokemon.
I didn't follow Koa's reasoning here--if the person had come in without a pokemon and been "overwhelmed" how does that distinguish his situation from Koa's, considering that Koa doesn't consider the zubat adequate protection?

An unusual stone object lay several feet away, a much lighter and grayer color than the cave rock. It resembled a piece of a large jaw bone, almost twice as big as his head. "It's a Jaw Fossil!" He picked it up and stroked it.

It felt heavy, although still lighter than he expected based on its size. He'd found plenty of fossil's before, while out with his cousin or when he snuck into caves on his own. But he'd never found any complete enough for regeneration.

"I thought these were found in Kalos, not Sinnoh," He murmured to himself. If he could get to the museum in Oreburgh City, he could revive the fossil into a Tyrunt. "Sweet!" He shouted. His voice echoed through the cavern, bouncing back to him.
I'm curious how common fossils are? It seems odd that they'd just be lying around, and not integrated into the cave in some way--I feel like normally fossils have to be excavated. It definitely feels like Koa is getting things pretty easy here.

As the noise faded, he heard scratching and fluttering above him. A vague sense of dread filled him. Slowly, hesitantly, he aimed his flashlight towards the ceiling. An entire colony of Zubat and Golbat hung from the ceiling. A nest. Their wide-open eyes gleamed in his flashlight beam as they glared down at him. He took a step back and stumbled, his beam sweeping wildly across the ceiling. Loud screeching filled the room and the sound of hundreds of wingbeats echoed as they left their perches, swarming the cavern.
Ahh, scary!

Taking out Zubat's pokeball, he returned him. No sense letting his foolish Zubat get injured more. Not that he cared, it was just... more convenient. That was all.
This whole "not that I care!" thing seems odd in contrast with his earlier actions healing the zubat and his thinking that the zubat is his responsibility. He can care about keeping the zubat safe and still be completely opposed to having it join his team, right?

The longer he waited, the more worried he grew. He pushed the worry down, deep into his mind. He wasn't even sure why he cared so much. After all, he still planned to release Zubat soon. Next time he'd be more prepared, that was all.
Maybe he cares because he's not a monster and the zubat getting hurt was, if not directly his fault, proximately caused by him? Again, he can care and still plan to release the zubat.

Zubat chirped happily and fluttered onto his head. A grin spread across his face, but he quickly let it fade. No, he had to stay focused. Zubat was simply his responsibility for now. That was all.
'
But zubat are so cute!

It looks like you were injured too. Didn't you see the guard stationed outside the entrance?" her tone was annoyed, and Koa couldn't help but be reminded of Blake when he got mad at him for doing something dangerous.
I wonder, can trainers recieve warnings or get their licenses taken away? Is that something Koa should be worried about?

*should be 'Her tone was annoyed.' (New, independent sentence following dialogue gets capitalized.)

Koa took in the situation quickly. The Galvantula had stopped at the side of the road, eyeing the Marowak warily. It appeared battered, and its breathing was heavy. A rubber shackle dangled from one of its forelegs. Its pursuer wore dark camo clothing and specialized rubber gloves. A large net was strapped to his back, as well as several ropes. Disgust welled up in Koa. The man was obviously a poacher. He froze when he saw Koa. Their eyes met, and for a moment, Koa saw panic flare in the poacher's gaze. Then it turned to disdain.
Ropes and a net seem like a lot of effort in a world where pokeballs exist?

Clearly he's not a badass poacher like Hunter J, who has an awesome petrification gun.

Poachers were the worst kinds of criminals as far as he was concerned. They illegally captured pokemon using cruel and unfair methods, usually only to sell them for terrible things.
What terrible things do they sell them for, exactly? Forced breeding, exploited labor . . ? And what's to stop someone from catching a pokemon with ordinary methods and doing the same?

"Oh boy..." Koa muttered. He recognized the look in its eyes. It wanted to come with him. He fought the urge to groan. The Plan was to get a Luxray, not a Joltik. As he stared into the Joltik's eyes, his heart began to soften. Despite its size, it displayed an unusual ferocity. Well, Joltik was still an electric type. And a Galvantula would be a strong addition to a team... "Are you saying you want to come with me?"
He seems a lot more ready to abandon the plan in this instance!

A moment later, the ball dinged.

Koa couldn't help but grin. He'd caught his first pokemon!
x to doubt

The Galvantula, who until now, had waited quietly, gave him a nod of respect.
Respect feels like an odd word-choice here. If I had just almost gotten captured by a human and then my kid decided to go off with a different human, my vibe would be more, "You had better treat my baby well."

Even though he would love a chance at one of the starters, they weren't part of his plan.
Well, you already broke the plan for the joltik . . .

Besides, he knew Rowan had a class graduating soon, and he didn't want to deprive him of the rare 'starter' pokemon.
That's a much more considerate reason. Let's go with that.

see a young girl racing towards him.
If she's close to his age, would be describe her as young? Teenagers don't usually think of themselves as young.

She looked close to his age, but he'd never seen her around the lab either, which meant she wasn't an assistant.

"I was wondering if you knew anything about the break-in. I'm investigating it, and I think it may be connected to a series of other robberies. Did Professor Rowan tell you anything?"

Koa shook his head. "No. Is that it? Because I kinda have a bus to catch..."

The girl frowned and sighed. "I'm an investigator. I'm trying to see if the recent crimes are in any way connected to Team Galactic. Do you know anything else about what happened?"
This seems very odd and sketch. What 14 yr old is employed as an investigator?
 
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Dragonfree

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Back for the revised chapter one! I'll turn some closer scrutiny on it this time around, so there are some things I comment on that were in the old chapter but I didn't mention last time because you'd mentioned less feedback on chapter one. Still got plenty to say about everything that's new, though!

The click of toenails on wood echoed from down a hallway, and an Absol emerged from a hallway.
Awkward repetition of hallway here introduced in the revision.

Koa nodded in acknowledgment and hurried out the door. There was little point in trying to pry any more information out of Blake. He was too stubborn to give out anything.

"Hey!" His cousin called sharply. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Koa paused, his hand on the door handle, and cringed. "What?"
This read weirdly to me since when you say he "hurried out the door" it sounds like he's already outside, only for Blake to stop him when his hand is still on the door handle?

Once he finished stretching, he broke into a jog, heading north. Absol bounded alongside him, keeping pace easily as he wove through the town. Lately, he’d altered his morning jog to carve through the city instead of heading straight to the outskirts. With the day fast approaching when he would set out on his journey as a trainer, there was no telling when he’d return to Canalave.
I like this change, though it's subtle; this version of the paragraph gives a better sense of this as a characterizational detail, with Koa having actively and for some time been choosing to jog around the city rather than on the outskirts as he'd usually done specifically because he wants to enjoy his hometown a bit before he leaves. Previously, it just sounded like it might as well have been his normal route and he was just going to be "taking in the sights" more (which felt more like the narration handwaving why you were going to describe the environment than like Koa feeling nostalgic). Very small thing but I think it's a real improvement!

As he crossed near the beach, a pang of nostalgia struck him. He’d miss this city. His gaze shifted to his left, to the only two-story building in town. Or rather, he’d miss one specific building. The library. Ever since the day his cousin had first introduced him to the concept of unlimited free books, he'd been hooked. Most of his spare time had been spent in those walls, reading, researching, and making small talk with the librarian. She'd been the one to introduce him to the section on legendaries, with its cozy couches and scruffy plush of Mew. A month later, his cousin had bought him a picture book that described every legendary and mythical pokemon. He still remembered how he’d toddle around with the book under his arm, announcing to anyone who would listen how he wanted to befriend one someday. People would chuckle, pat him on the head, and say ‘oh that’s nice.’ He used to think that meant they were encouraging him. Now he knew better than to share his dreams.

Yet the dream still remained. History and legends spoke of ancient trainers who befriended the powerful beings. Earned their respect and trust through the honored art of battle, or through acts of valor. League winners and gym trainers didn’t make history. They were remembered for a season until someone else came along. But those trainers? That was something no one could forget. If he could build his team and battle a legend, then he could make his own history. One that belonged to him and his pokemon and no one else.
Another excellent change, I think! Cute concrete details and memories establishing Koa's primary motivation right from very early. This reminiscence happening as a tangent off him going past the library may be a little awkward, but I think overall it works.

This also helps the pacing of this opening section a lot; in the original version I thought the jog kind of dragged as we went on for a while before getting to something that felt like we were learning something interesting (the bit where Koa starts thinking about his Plan). Here, we go from Koa feeding the birds to establishing his dream to the tree with fairly brief transitions in between, and it comes out way better.

As he climbed, he recited his Plan. His Perfect Plan. Starting of course with the most crucial part of any trainer’s team - his starter. Before he knew it, he’d pulled himself into the crown of the tree. Pulling out his stopwatch, he hit pause. 1:47.
It reads a little funny to me how he starts talking about how he's thinking about his perfect team plan, starting with this starter - and then you just move on to him getting to the top of the tree, without actually talking about the starter at all. Perhaps just bring up his plan and the starters when he's about to start actually talking about it a couple paragraphs later?

A startled Hoot Hoot glared reproachfully at him before flying away.
Hoothoot is just one word!

'A Comprehensive Guide to the Trainer’s Journey' a book which he basically swore by, described how a trainer's first pokemon was the key to their journey. The ‘starter’, as the term had been coined, was representative of what kind of trainer one was, and could become. Cynthia and Garchomp, Lance and Dratini, Steven and Metagross.

Koa and Luxray.

He grinned at the thought. First, he'd find a Shinx. They were cool, powerful, and intelligent. Then a Starly. Unassuming in their first stage, but absolute powerhouses when they evolved. Then a Gyarados, a Garchomp, a Gallade and a Hitmontop. Or Hitmonlee. He hadn’t decided on that bit yet. And of course, a fossil pokemon. Perhaps a Bastiodon, like Canalve’s gym leader used. A team like that could take on a legend. A team like that would be remembered.
You want a comma there after the name of the book, since "a book which he basically swore by" is an insertion into a sentence that makes sense without it - in general, when that happens you want to surround it by commas on both sides.

Other than that, though, I think this gives a clearer, more vivid idea about Koa's dream team and exactly what he's hoping for with it and why - rather than going over the order and exactly what he wants to do with them at the very beginning of his journey, he's talking more about his dreams for the final team he wants to end up with. Could probably do more here, name particular qualities of the other Pokémon and why he feels he wants them, but I think it makes the point pretty well.

I'm a bit curious about the fact you changed the actual team he wants to go for here - he's talking about a Gallade rather than a Nidoking. Is there a particular reason for this change? Is it going to result in inconsistencies with the rest of the story, or is he never going to bring up the specifics of what Pokémon he wanted again?

(Also, I'm only noticing now that he actually names seven Pokémon here, while in the old version he went on to say he wasn't planning on training more than six, haha. You seem to have removed that bit here, which makes sense.)

Blake held up his hand."Be careful with that bike. They aren't cheap you know," he said.
Missing a space there before the quote, and you also want a comma before "you know" (since it's another kind of insertion that you can put into a sentence that makes sense without it).

"Of course. Besides, this is a quick three-day trip, not a wilderness excursion."
Aha, this is where I got the impression the entire trip there and back would be three days.

"Yeah yeah yeah. I know how to travel dude." Koa swung his leg over the bike.
Again, you want a comma before "dude", and technically also between "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Anything else, mom?" he said teasingly
Missing a period at the end of this sentence.

The next couple days passed in a pleasant but sweaty and tiring blur. At one point, a strange hooded trainer on the back of a Zebstrika almost mowed him down, but the trip otherwise remained pleasantly uneventful. He also passed by several trainers over his two days of travel, and a few even challenged him, but he was forced to refuse. If he was caught, he would be prohibited from getting his trainer's license. Last time the police hadn't pressed charges but he doubted he would be so lucky if he did it again. Even though anyone was allowed to carry a pokemon, only licensed trainers could catch pokemon, participate in battles, or try for the gym circuit.
Yes, very good! The summary works well - establishes the interesting tidbits, makes it clear he's been journeying, but skips all the uninteresting detail.

At the edge of the clearing, a small Zubat lay, stunned. A wave of pity washed over him at the sight of the poor creature. He knelt next to it and examined it closer. It fluttered weakly at his approach before flopping back onto the ground. “Easy there,” he whispered softly. He glanced around. No berry trees in sight. Taking his backpack off his shoulder, he dug through it and took out a potion, then stopped.

The potion was meant for Absol, in case of emergency. Still, Absol could handle himself, and he was nearly at Jubilife. Uncapping the potion, he sprayed the Zubat. After a few moments, it fluttered to life, emitting a happy shriek. Judging by the size of its fangs, it was male. He wondered what he was doing all the way out here. Zubat and Golbat tended to stick to colonies. Usually, they lived in caves, although some lived in forests or in cities. This one also didn't seem as bothered by sunlight as other members of its species.
I like the added detail here; I thought in the old version this scene went by very quickly, and Zubat being scared at first and Koa soothing him goes a long way to making it feel more grounded and real.

I would still have kind of liked to sense a bit more emotion out of Koa here, especially since this is such an important scene; I feel like he comes across as being a bit detached here. There is "A wave of pity washed over him", but I don't think that's entirely the most evocative way to get it across - emotional description tends to be more effective, in my experience, when you show what prompts the emotion and the thoughts and reactions that come with it, rather than just naming the emotion. So I'd be inclined to ask questions like:

- Are there any particular things about Zubat that provoke Koa's pity? Is he squirming feebly, unable to get off the ground? Is he covered with dirt? Is part of his wing torn, his tails bent? (Maybe not, given how you don't like too drastic injuries in Pokémon battles, but you could interpret those as minor injuries.)
- What concrete things does this make Koa think? Does he think Zubat must have been beaten up and left there? Does he think he might be easy prey for predators like this? Does he figure Zubat can't get home without healing? (When he realizes Zubat normally wouldn't be all the way out here, does he wonder if he's lost?)
- What kind of immediate reactions does that emotion prompt? Does he feel a physical sting in his gut at the thought? Does he unthinkingly run over? Does he swing the bag off his shoulder, rummaging through it for any way to help? Does he remind himself to stay calm, so as not to scare Zubat more? Does he think back to reading about how to treat injured Pokémon?

The bit with the potion is a nice addition, I think, but I think it would be even better if Koa seemed more conflicted about it - as it is he seems to vaguely remember it's meant for Absol for a sentence, but then just shrugs and uses it and thinks no more of it, like it didn't really matter. To make it feel like him using the potion on Zubat instead is a significant decision, I think it'd help if he were a bit more hesitant - if he really had a moment of worrying about what if he gets into a rough spot with Absol later, or about what Blake would say, but then used it anyway because Zubat really needs it. (Also, it seems a little odd that he searches for the potion and only then stops to think about how it's meant for Absol - presumably that's the only reason he has a potion at all, so wouldn't he remember it at the same time he remembers he has a potion in his bag in the first place?)

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the Aimpom’s expression.
Typo in "Aipom".

Just ahead, he could make out the wide, many-windowed building of the Jubilife Trainers School.
You want either "Trainer School", "Trainer's School" or "Trainers' School", I think.

I'm not 100% sure if we need both the section earlier talking about how Koa used to go around announcing he wanted to befriend a legendary and adults told him "oh, that's nice" and also the memory of talking about his legendary dreams and kids laughing at them here - I feel like both memories are establishing more or less the same thing? If you only wanted it to be clear, say, that Koa maintained his legendary dream even when he'd gotten a bit older, I think you could probably get that across more quickly here since you already had the previous memory - just like a one-sentence mention that "Last time he'd been here, for a trainers' seminar, he'd given a presentation on his plans to battle and catch a legendary, only for the other kids to laugh at him; he knew better than to ever bring it up now" would probably be plenty.

After a very agonizing fifteen minute wait, the presentation had finished and the attendee’s had filed out.
Attendees is just a plural here, so you don't want the apostrophe.

I enjoy the new conversation with Rowan; Koa's enthusiasm really shows, and we get a stronger sense of their relationship, with Koa looking up to Rowan as a kind of mentor figure.

“What?” he asked a note of hesitance in his voice.
You want a comma after "asked" here - once again, "a note of hesitance in his voice" is an insertion the sentence still makes sense without.

“The bond between Pokemon and trainer is sacred.” Rowan’s tone became quiet, but forceful. “It allows both to reach unprecedented heights. Why Pokemon have chosen to live and serve alongside us is something even Oak and I don’t fully grasp, but it is not something to be taken lightly. Make no mistake, Pokemon choose to fight with us.” He paused. “By working together, there is little we cannot accomplish, regardless of the pokemon or the trainer. All that matters is your hearts and drive. Do you understand?”

Koa grinned, then nodded. “Yeah, I understand.” And there's nothing me and Luxray can't accomplish.
I like the way Rowan presents this a lot more here than in the old version - and the way what he's actually getting at flies entirely over Koa's head is great.

After that, Rowan lightened up. For the next hour, Koa caught up with him, asking various questions about his research, and letting Rowan use him as a soundboard. Some of the topics were too nebulous for Koa to really understand, but Rowan always said that the layman’s perspective could be more helpful than another scientist. All too soon, the day had grown late and it was time for Rowan to depart.
Enjoy this too - feels like a more mutual thing they've got going on.

"You'll have to have some patience, my boy." Rowan said.
You want a comma before the closing quote there.

He longed to know what it was, but he felt certain neither Rowan or his cousin would spill a word of whatever his surprises were.
With the word "neither", you'll want to use "nor" rather than "or".

The next day, he started on his return journey. The trip back proved mostly uneventful. At least until the final leg of the journey.
I don't think it's necessary to say the trip was mostly uneventful until the final leg of the journey; we're about to see it, and it feels a little clumsy to tell us something interesting is about to happen ahead of time.

Mightyena remained between him and the pokeball, much to Koa's annoyance.
I think talking about Koa being annoyed here kind of undermines the fact that mostly he's scared. (Actually, this scene is a good example of successful emotional description, since I was talking about that with the Zubat scene earlier! You show the Mightyena being threatening, his physical reactions as he gulps and his heart pounds, his efforts to keep calm and soothe Mightyena, the way he keeps his eyes on Absol's Pokéball, the way he reaches for his baton, "scrambles" to his feet - you don't have to say the word fear even once, but we still sense that he's scared based on the way that you describe the scene.)

There were hundreds of Zubat in the world.
If there were only hundreds in the entire world, they'd be critically endangered! I don't think it's entirely unrealistic for a person to think in those terms, but I found it a little funny.

He hadn’t decided yet if he intended to leave straight from Jubilife or head back to Canalave, so he made sure to be prepared either way. When he had finished packing and heading downstairs, his cousin was awake and waiting for him already. The closest exam center was in Jubilife, which meant they would have to take a special bus there.
It's a little awkward here in the new version that you talk about him being undecided on whether to leave straight from Jubilife before you actually explain that Jubilife is where the exam is held.

"Names Galen. We're all talking about what we wanna do with our pokemon when we get our license. Our goals an stuff."
You want "Name's" (because it's short for "Name is") and "and".

Must be nice to have parents interested in your journey. Koa quickly pushed the bitter thought away. He had Blake, and that was plenty.
Ooh, interesting.

“And you said you’re gonna try to win the league tournament, right?” he nodded his head towards Bun Girl.
You do want to capitalize the "He" after the quote here, since "He nodded his head towards Bun Girl" is a full sentence on its own, rather than a dialogue tag describing how the quote is being said.

Koa gulped. "I want to c-" he caught himself and coughed awkwardly. "I'm gonna research legendaries."
Here too - "He caught himself and coughed awkwardly" is a full sentence on its own. (Enjoy this, though.)

The others simply shrugged, making noncommittal noises, while Hilar muttered something under her breath that Koa didn’t catch.
*Hilgar.

The conversation about the nature of legendaries is good to have here, I think - keeps the story's attention on that a bit and shows how people think of legendaries in this world. Introducing a bunch of new characters all at once is always a little awkward - the reader is always going to have a hard time remembering who is who - but I'm guessing Cade is going to be the most important, and he does stick out, especially as the only other person who thinks legendaries could be captured.

Eelektross sprang high into the air, a vortex of water swirling around its tail. Then it brought its tail down on top of Hippopotas. A burst of energy kicked up a cloud of dust. It settled moments later, showing Hippopotas fainted.
I'm not sure what this burst of energy kicking up a cloud of dust is - is there some energy involved in Aqua Tail that isn't just the physical force of the tail and the water (which definitely wouldn't be kicking up dust)? It just feels weird here - dust dramatically clearing has its uses, but I don't think it makes sense in this case.

To his disappointment, he'd missed the caped boy's battle.
Still calling him "the caped boy" here even though Koa has learned his name in the new version.

Most of them he didn’t pay much attention to. Only one caught his attention.

"Cade." The caped boy strode confidently on stage and received his license. A moment later, he left the stage and hurried out of the hall.
Hmm, why did this catch his attention here, though? In the old version I said he should've been paying attention to Cade because he'd already been curious about him but didn't know his name or anything, but there's nothing new he's learning about Cade here now, so there's not much to catch his attention here if Cade just received his license and left normally.

Also, they're still calling out only his first name, while apparently doing first and last names for everyone else!

The trainer exam itself is another thing that I thought was a bit draggy in the original, and you pretty much kept that as is here. I don't really get the sense that the details of the exam are going to matter at all once he steps out of that building, so describing in detail this whole battle he has for it seems unnecessary - I think it'd be plenty to skip past the exam bit straight to the ceremony, with Koa restless and anxious, thinking about how sure, he'd aced the physical test like he thought, and the knowledge test went fine, but he'd screwed up the battle test like an idiot. And then he could watch Cade get his license and think back to how yeah, Cade had practically glided up that wall and turned in his written test even sooner than he did and he'd been too busy with his own battle to watch his battle test but probably he'd aced that too - establishing that, and some of that jealous, anxious characterization for Koa, without having to actually recount blow by blow how the exam went. It's only a suggestion, but I think it'd help that pacing - it's a long chapter regardless and I at least didn't feel like I got much out of reading about the full Hippopotas/Eelektross fight. (You could also just try to make the fight more interesting, of course!)

Blake's eyes looked far away, and despite his upbeat tone, Koa knew better. He shook his head. "I'll take the bus back to Canalave with you. I have a few supplies to pick up, and I'd love to visit the library one last time." Technically, it was true. He did want to see the library before he left, and he could always stock up before he left. Of course, he didn't bother mentioning that he had everything he needed to set out on his journey now. He knew Blake would miss him, and even though he wouldn't admit it to him, Koa knew he would miss Blake.
I'm a bit curious why you establish earlier in the new version that Koa wasn't sure whether to start straight from Jubilife or go back to Canalave, but this bit is still the same and doesn't really sound like Koa is only just making a decision on the matter.

Koa nodded again. “Probably,” he mumbled in half-hearted agreement. He didn't bother to mention his little detour. If his cousin found he went exploring in a cave without any pokemon, he would probably be furious. Besides, he didn’t want to miss a chance at meeting a legendary. A quick stop wouldn’t hurt, right?
Minor, but I like the new version of this paragraph - Koa seems a bit more guilty about planning to make this detour behind his cousin's back, and I think it adds to the sense of their relationship.

"Sorry, no one is allowed past this point without a Trainers License and at least two badges."
Should probably be "Trainer's license", compare "Driver's license".

There definitely was not room in the Plan for a Zubat a starter, or at all for that matter.
Presumably "a Zubat starter" or "a Zubat as a starter".

All in all, I think the new version is a large improvement! Both the streamlining that you did and the additions are mostly very solid, as well as the little changes. I personally would streamline the exam as well, and various typos etc. remain, but I think it's a much better chapter. Well done on improving it!
 

Flaze

Don't stop, keep walking
Location
Chile
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. infernape
All right, coming in here for chapter 4 and 5!

I think what improved the most in these two chapters is actually the way you showcase your battles. The gym battles against Gardenia and Roark were both pretty entertaining, they had a nice flow to them and were pretty impactful and the description was snappy and quick enough that one could imagine the pokemon's moves and how they had to constantly switch and move about. I particularly enjoyed your end to Roark's battle. It kind of feels like the way the anime battles play out which some people might not like but I'm an absolute sucker for, so it really helped.

Akoa's relationship with his pokemon continues to be at the forefront of the story and I think it does help carry the story forward, Echo and Hazard make for a cute duo and help show us Akoa's kinder side. That being said, I still think that at this point in the story Akoa is a bit...dry all things considered. He's nice to his pokemon, he's driven, he's confident and a little hotheaded but he's also calm and collected and aloof and quick-tempered. He's well rounded when it comes to personality but I think most of it isn't allow to come out in full yet, probably because he's by himself. One of the big issues with journey fics when it's just one character traveling by themselves with no one else they can properly talk to is that if they're not the kind of character that can carry the story on their backs...it's gonna make them a little duller.

I understand if you want this story to center entirely around Akoa just journeying with his pokemon and the bonds he forms with them, that's fine. But I think having a few chapters where he can have longer and more meaningful interactions with human characters can help bring out his characteristics more as they're usually ones that stand out most when bouncing off of others.

And on the subject of the journey. I do still think that Akoa's journey is progressing a little too fast as it is. Every writer paces their stories as they want and journey fics can be tricky when it comes to figuring out pacing, but it does kind of make one feel like we're speeding through it and just focusing on the bigger moments. Akoa hasn't had a moment to like interact with townsfolk properly or have more in depth adventures. He's had both of those things but they go by really fast. Also, while giving him battles in between the gyms does help in showing us his team's progression, it can slow the chapters down somewhat. For example, I can accept the battles against the twin psychics in chapter 4. But the battles Akoa has in the cycling road feel kind of inconsequential to what comes later, especially since he only meets those trainers in order to battle them and after that it's over and out. It'd be interesting to see more from some of these guys. I particularly liked the psychic girl, I think she and her brother could have an interesting rapport if put together with Akoa even for a chapter or two.

Lastly I gota give props for the last part of chapter 5. I really liked it if only because of how you show us the revival process in a little more detail and because the way tyrunt's revival and subsequent escape plays out feels like something straight out of Jurassic Park. It seems like Akoa might have to work a little bit to get the tyrunt to trust him so that'll be interesting to see as well.

Anyway, that's it for chapter 4 and 5, I'll keep on chugging along...a little slow but there I go.
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
He's well rounded when it comes to personality but I think most of it isn't allow to come out in full yet, probably because he's by himself.
Thank you very much for the review, it always great to hear the thoughts of readers. I'm particularly glad to hear you enjoy how I wrote my battles, as I very specifically attempt to mimic the anime in a lot of aspects for this story.

You make a really good point about the lack of outside characters. Looking back, I wish I had added more side characters earlier in the story. Sadly its a bit late to include that in prior chapters, although its something I'll be keeping in the back of my mind for other stories and for if I do a proper rewrite. On the bright side, he does encounter a few more other characters he gets to interact with more later in the story. And he gets a traveling companion eventually, although that isn't until quite a bit later.

As for him rushing... well I guess that's a symptom of both my tendencies as a writer and Koa's personality being that he's kinda rushing too. It's an interesting observation though, and I'll definitely see if I can inject some more vitality into other aspects.

Also, I was kinda thrown off by how you kept calling him Akoa instead of Koa, lol. I wonder if that's autocorrect rearing its ugly head?

Anyways, thank you again for the thoughts, I am filing all of your insight away for future reference!
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Hey, Tetra! Thanks for being patient while I got my ducks in a row and made my way to your chapter. For now, I'm only responding to Chapter 1. I've got a few general remarks and then line reactions below.

I think what this chapter does well is establish that Koa is obsessed with his plan, that it's not really serving him, and that the story isn't going to hand his plan to him neatly. In particular, I appreciated Rowan and Blake urging him to pump the brakes. The chapter title is a good fit in that way.

That said, I found Koa weirdly analytical. Some of that felt like an intentional character choice, like the fixation on his climbing time and the way he structures the amount of time he's allowed to sit and daydream. (Oof.) Some of it didn't feel as intentional and made it hard for me to connect with him, especially how he processes his future team. In his mind, they're already real and he's attached to them, but little of the attachment comes through in the text, just the justification and rationalization. More concrete images of his fantasy would go a long way. Like, "they'd be unstoppable together!" is pretty broad and I don't know what that means to him. It seems like his motives for wanting a legendary are based mostly in a shallow desire for fame and popularity, so maybe he's imagining how impressed his neighbors will be when he returns home with a luxray. Maybe he's imagining a warm, furry friend curling up with him at the library. Those kinds of tangible images will make his perceived loss of his plan feel more real.

I did like the teasing relationship with his cousin. I felt an emotional connection with Blake in a way I didn't with his imaginary luxray.

The pacing wasn't quite working for me either. The prep for the exam was especially dry for me, but I also think the first scene with the tree-climbing could be condensed so that we start with the bike errand first, since that's when the real events start to kick in.

One other thing I was wondering about throughout is how smart pokemon are in this setting. I couldn't quite get a handle on it. On the one hand, pokemon sometimes seem able to understand human speech and are capable of negotiation, like the aipom in the tree. And in other places, Koa questions whether pokemon can understand, even though they demonstrably can in that scene. If they're intelligent enough to reason, using a baton on them at all feels like a dick move. On the other hand, if they're only as intelligent as animals, then trying to negotiate with the mightyena to the degree that he does is really, really stupid. Like, I have trouble suspending my disbelief. Either way, it seems like repel would be a less squicky alternative to the baton. Koa is cocky enough that I could see him forgetting or not caring to reapply, leading him into the mightyena's path. (Though, one more note on the mightyena: what was it doing? Sleeping? Aren't they nocturnal?)

So, let's dig in with a little more detail!

He flipped to next month's page, June. The 3rd had been circled in red, along with a message from his cousin that read "Don't slack little K." Koa rolled his eyes at the nickname. In one week he turned 14, which was the minimum age to apply for a trainers license in Sinnoh.
Lots of numbers here! I had to wonder how important it was for me to know that it's June, etc. You could definitely condense this to one or two sentences: He'll be fourteen in a week, and then he'll be free to pursue his dreams.

Grammar note: numbers are usually written out (fourteen). Dates and times are fine, as are numbers that are part of a proper noun (Proposition 18, Route 110, the city's famous 10th District). Otherwise, numbers smaller than on ehundred and numbers that end in zero (seven hundred, one thousand) should be spelled out.

Grabbing his worn but much loved jacket off a chair,
I think worn already implies loved! (Though, if you keep much-loved, it should be hyphenated.) If anything, maybe he's got some patches or pins on the jacket to show how he's invested his image in it?

The faint murmur of the tv echoed through the living room.
TV should be capitalized though--it's an acronym. I also kinda wondered what show would be playing here.

"Hey Blake, I'm going out."
Missing comma, after hey.

Koa rubbed the pokemon's head vigorously, eliciting a pleased rumble from the canine.
"Eliciting" feels oddly formal for a narrator like Koa and took me out of the narrative a little.

I was also taken aback by "the canine," though this is arguably permissible use and just not my personal taste. I do generally avoid epithets (words that stand in for a name) unless I'm trying to really emphasize how my POV character sees someone as defined by their role. Most of the time, name and pronoun are just fine. Like with said, and articles (a, the), readers see pronouns as almost invisible: you can use them a whole bunch without feeling repetitive. Epithets, on the other hand, very quickly become confusing or distracting. Like here, where it clashed with my understanding of what an absol is and made me pause to make sure I wasn't missing another pokemon that had been introduced. (Since I already know what an absol is, telling me that's what it is gives me all the info I need to picture it!)

"You're never that happy to see me..." Blake muttered to the Absol, his tone playfully bitter. Absol sniffed and turned his back on Blake before walking towards the door.
I liked the sass here. (Cat, cat, cat.) This was another moment where I thought it was pretty clear that pokemon are intelligent and respond to human speech like a conversation. Given their banter, I was surprised this is the only place Blake addresses his absol directly. Feels like a missed opportunity to tell it to keep an eye on Koa, to enjoy the walk, to get back safe--anything. I'd kind of expect this from him even if you don't intend the pokemon to be smart enough to be able to understand human speech and negotiate; I chatter at my cat all the time, and this absol seems like it's living the pet life.

"Because I said so." Blake replied, smirking. The smirk softened to a fond smile. "It's a surprise."
Great character moment for these two.

His cousin tended to be over paranoid, in his opinion.
Cut "over"--paranoia has negative connotations, so any amount already implies excess.

A sense of familiarity flowed through him as he began his routine, starting with a few basic warm-ups.
I don't know what "a sense of familiarity" means. This is another place where a specific image or sensory detail would serve you better. There's a passage later where you describe him taking the long way through town because he knows he'll miss it, and that worked much better.

Blake left the room a moment and came back holding a Great Ball in one hand and a baton in the other. "Tsk tsk. You should always carry your pokemon's pokeball with you. And something to defend yourself."
Eek at the baton. :c

They shrieked a ‘thank you’ before flying off.
I wasn't sure how literal this was because of the quotes.

Lately, he’d altered his morning jog to carve through the city instead of heading straight to the outskirts. With the day fast approaching when he would set out on his journey as a trainer, there was no telling when he’d return to Canalave.
This was much more effective.

When he was young, the section used to be filled with kids his age. They would all dream about ones they wanted to see, which ones were cooler, and who was the strongest. But as the years had gone by, he soon found himself alone on the couch, his only company a scruffy plush of mew. While everyone else moved on from their ‘legendary phase’, as adults deemed it, he couldn’t. His love never once wavered.
Wait, so is he sitting in the kids section reading storybooks and all his peers aged out to the teen section? Or is this a mythology section? If the latter, I'm not convinced that would have a "kiddie" vibe, especially if they're seen as god/objects of worship as implied by the scene with the other young trainers.

League winners and gym trainers didn’t make history. They were remembered for a season until someone else came along.
This is interesting. What do other trainers get out of it then, I wonder? What paths to success are there? Do a lot of trainers not finish?

And, aha, Koa wants to be famous.

Root like vines wrapped around its trunk and spiraled upwards, forming a web-like tangle near the crown of the tree.
Root-like should be hyphenated, but the double "like" in this sentence was a bit much.

No need for a repeat of last month's accident. If he got injured now, he might have to postpone getting his trainer's license.
So, does he regularly get hurt doing stupid things? This feels like an important character trait, and I think you could emphasize this more.

Of course, climbing the wall was far from difficult, but he always liked to see if he could one-up himself. While a lot of trainers he spoke to dreamed of challenging the League, he had an entirely different goal. He dreamed of becoming an explorer. Trekking across the wilds, with nothing but his wits and a strong team at his side.
OMG, I can immediately picture him talking down to other wannabe trainers, hounding them about their climb time. "So what's your goal? Oh, that's cool I guess, but I'm going to be an explorer!"

This also made me wonder how uncommon camping while training is in this setting. Is this expected or is he being sort of ambitious here?

'A Comprehensive Guide to the Trainer’s Journey', a book which he basically swore by, described how a trainer's first pokemon was the key to their journey.
This transition was abrupt. Suggestion: Koa swore by a book called A Comprehensive Guide to the Trainer’s Journey, which described ...

After several minutes of daydreaming, he sat up, then shimmied down the tree.
My goodness, he's a scheduling junkie.

Blake grinned proudly. "Good job.
Proudly is redundant here, give the grin and the dialogue.

Professor Rowan was a close friend of his cousin, who was a Pokemon researcher.
This felt a little explain-y and unnatural. Maybe something like "Blake had met him as an intern. They'd remained close, and Koa had remained wildly jealous."

He'd met the Professor a few years back and immediately grew close to him.
Also, I wasn't sure if "he" here referred to Koa or Blake.

Ever since he started training for the trainer's exam, he got in the habit of keeping a backpack of necessities- first aid kit, map, a knife, clothing, a sleeping bag, tent, and rope.
That should be a colon after necessities because it's a list.

I recommended resting at the Ranger's Lodge before you cross the bridge. And don’t rush! It's not a good idea to cross the bridge after dark. You can get supplies there too.
These felt out of order.

I recommended resting at the Ranger's Lodge before you cross the bridge. You can get supplies there too. And don’t rush! It's not a good idea to cross the bridge after dark.

There's another lodge on the west side that-"
This should be an em dash (—) or two hyphens. Hyphens aren't used to interrupt speech like this.

a strange hooded trainer on the back of a Zebstrika
Sounds portentious AF.

At the edge of the clearing, a small Zubat lay still on the ground. Koa's eyes widened and he quickly shuffled closer. It fluttered weakly at his approach, squeaking in fear. Its ears flicked erratically and it kept twisting its head side to side.
Rabies

He could see no visible injuries, which meant it was probably just suffering from exhaustion.
That feels like a dangerous conclusion to jump to! There could be all kinds of internal injuries or illness happening. This makes him sound inexperienced AF.

This one also didn't seem as bothered by sunlight as other members of its species.
*Squint.* Well that's weirdly convenient. I'm also not sure how he can tell, considering the state it's in.

He'd never known Zubat to be lovers of honey, but there were always exceptions, he supposed.
So are they fruit bats in this setting?

he didn’t want to tarry any longer.
Tarry felt weird formal and dated.

He’d only been once before, for a seminar for new trainers.
Double "for" is weird. Suggestion: He'd only been here once before to attend a seminar ...

He'd given a presentation about his goal to battle and catch a legendary. The mocking laughter had been the final straw for him, and he knew better than to discuss his dreams openly.
Oh man, I wish this were a scene just because I think it would show us a lot about Koa. How does he respond to being criticized? Does he get riled up or shut down? I also have to imagine his presentation was cringy, which I kinda want to see play out.

“What’s the research on?” he asked curiously.
"Curiously" is redundant.

“The bond between Pokemon and trainer is sacred.” Rowan’s tone became quiet, but forceful. “It allows both to reach unprecedented heights. Why Pokemon have chosen to live and serve alongside us is something even Oak and I don’t fully grasp, but it is not something to be taken lightly. Make no mistake, Pokemon choose to fight with us.” He paused. “By working together, there is little we cannot accomplish, regardless of the pokemon or the trainer. All that matters is your hearts and drive. Do you understand?”
This felt weirdly anime turn-to-camera. Moreover, this speech didn't really convince me by itself? I need to see this play out. (And a big part of my investing in this idea is gonna require a clearer idea of how intelligent pokemon are in this setting. How much agency do they really have to pledge to the idea of partnership? How completely are they able to consent?)

And there's nothing me and Luxray can't accomplish.
This was a place I wanted to see him imagine something more specific.

but keep your phone with you once you start your journey.
Would he normally not bring his phone for some reason???

Rowan was more stubborn than a rock.
Maybe "immovable"?

normally, traveling after dark was dangerous, but he had Absol for protection, so he wasn't very worried.
This felt like a missed opportunity to see absol-as-helper in action. I have to imagine it's gone great night vision as a dark-type.

The sky gradually darkened more and the moon began to rise.
A little clunky. Suggestion: The sky grew darker and ... The visual of biking as the moon rises is lovely though. I'd be freaked about biking in the dark though.

"Easy boy.
Missing comma.

Either way, he was grateful not to have to use his baton, even for defense.
Yeah, really. I was super worried he was going to hit in and I was having trouble making myself read.

"Age?"

"14," he replied. It felt good to finally say it.

She took another look at him then typed in some more information, murmuring to herself as she did. "Eyes, brown... skin, light. Hair dark navy." She looked back up at him.

"Height?"

"Five foot six."
This is boring when I have to give this kind of information in real life, and it's no more interesting to watch a fictional character. I get that you're trying to drop in what he looks like, but this didn't do anything for me.

“Gonna try to win the Lily of the Valley in a year.”

A couple of the kids let out low whistles, and Koa understood why. To both qualify for the league tournament early next year and win it was an impressive feat.
I'm not sure an appreciative whistle feels right when this is all talk and this sounds like an unlikely thing to achieve. Maybe polite smiles and "oh, that'd be cool, sure. Good luck ...."

“Exactly. They’re gods,” Hilgar muttered.

“Hardly,” Koa said. Hilgar stared at him, looking offended. “Sure, some of them are deity figures. Dialga, Palkia. There’s the titans like Groudon and Kyogre. Then there are guardian figures, like Mew, Lugia, and Ho-Oh. And then ones like the Birds of Kanto, who are completely different.”
This also felt kind of explain-y ... and yet I'm still confused about their role or their perceived role here? It's weird that Hilgar seems to be using gods as a dismissal, yet he's also using it as a way to insist they're present. Doesn't gel with how western religions handle capital-G god, at the very least, so I wanted more explanation of what this looks like in daily practice. Does Koa have a spiritual life? If he thinks they're real, why doesn't he seem to have any kind of spiritual association with any of them (except, it seems, Arceus)?

Fyren stepped onto the stage, holding his clipboard. "I will now announce the trainers who will receive their license."
Oh no, god, how mortifying to do this publicly.

Potential Regirock sighting at Ore Caverns?!

Koa eagerly clicked it. He skimmed the information. A trainer had posted a blurred photo of what appeared to be a Regirock. The silhouette definitely looked like a Regi, although the trainer also admitted she only caught a glimpse and was uncertain if it really had been the legendary titan.
I love that he's trawling cryptid websites. This is a good character and world-building moment: he's nerdy and weird about it, chasing dubious info. this doesn't quite mesh with the earlier conversation with the other kids, but I like these details.

It appeared to be a long tunnel, perhaps made by a pokemon of some kind.
"Of some kind" is clutter--cut.

Either the Zubat didn't understand, or didn't care,
It seemed like it could understand his speech earlier. I'm confused why he's confused. Which is it?

He could wager a guess this Zubat was trying to join him,
This was hard to parse. Is he guessing that the zubat wants to join him? Or is he doubting that the zubat would want that?

Zubat was a perfectly fine pokemon, but he wanted a Shinx as his starter. He'd done his research and Zubat simply lacked the natural strength of pokemon like Starly and Shinx.
Again, his investment in starly and shinx is purely strategic, which doesn't make his desire to fulfill his plan feel very real or tangible to me.

I also thought it was weird that, despite talking about how important his plan is ... when he has the freedom to pursue it, he immediately goes spelunking instead. I can probably accept that he's a complex creature of contradictions, but I need to see him weighing that and acknowledge that he's giving something up (waiting longer to start his team).

If it kept following him, it could alert every wild pokemon in the area to him.
Hm, hot take coming from a guy clonking around through tunnels with a flashlight. X to doubt.

I know you just finished doing a batch of edits, so my apologies if I'm poking stuff you've already heard. Hope these comments are helpful!
 
  • Quag
Reactions: Pen

IFBench

Rescue Team Member
Location
Pokemon Paradise
Partners
  1. chikorita-saltriv
  2. bench-gen
  3. charmander
  4. snivy
  5. treecko
  6. tropius
  7. arctozolt
  8. wartortle
I'm here to give a review on chapter 1 for our review exchange!

Our protagonist, Koa, is very intetesting! He wants to catch a legendary, and won't accept any mons that he doesn't consider strong enough. A set of traits I'd normally expect from an antagonist, yet they belong to the hero of this story. I quite like this decision, it makes him very unique!

Yet despite that, he's not opposed to helping weaker mons as long as they don't stick by him, as shown by the Aipom and Zubat scene. Very intriguing!

I also really like how descriptive you are with him and his thoughts! I can really get a sense for what he's feeling at many of the moments in this chapter!

The lore about legendaries is quite intriguing. In the distant past, there were many humans with trainer-like bonds with legendaries, but as time continued on that became less and less common, and seems like they're not spotted at all in the modern day, to the point that some completely dismiss them as just myth. Very interesting.

I really love the foreshadowing in this chapter about the Zubat! The initial bit where Koa helps the Zubat with the honey, to it defending Koa from the Mightyena, to it all culminating in the Zubat dropping on top of Koa in the cave and practically demanding to be taken along. Very well done!

And looks like Koa caught it in a luxury ball! There's no way he's getting rid of it now.

Overall, a very good chapter that sets up Koa, his goals, and the Zubat, and how the all time together or conflict with each other. I really enjoyed this, and look forward to reading more!
 

Navar

Professional Mudkip Lover
Location
Brazil
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. swampert
  2. chesnaught-apron
  3. lucario-mega
Oh, hi Tetra, Navar here. Finally decided to check your story out! I’m reviewing the first two chapters, and yeah, memey garbage is just what I do, screaming at the cool stuff. Beyond that, I take my time to write my thoughts immediately after I read a certain scene, so this review is live! Well, I hope you’ll enjoy this review, here I go!

Chapter 1

Oh, an adventure fic. That’s very nice, I haven’t watched the anime in like… 10 years, so I forgot most of the stuff it has. Regardless, this is off to an interesting start, a fourteen-year-old protagonist, this is shaping up to be a fun story for me to read.

Okay, he’s really adorable. Nice to see you took the time to show how he’s going to miss that town he lives in, gives that sense of nostalgia, even if this is my first time reading this story, nice.

Another point for the protag! He has a dream! To be the very best, like no one ever was! And I approve of him wanting a Luxray, yeees for electric kitty! Garchomp and Nidoking, hooray for them! Love those mons!

And he’s going on a bike, hopefully he won’t try to use that indoors, otherwise the universe might break! And he’s going with Absol, cool!

Now this scene here is the one that stood out for me, Koa rescued one Zubat, which is really ironic, considering he was planning to use powerful mon, and now this makes me wonder about how he’s going to develop as a character. Good work here.

Professor scene. And like usual, he studies evolution, but hmmm, nice thing you got there, evolution is not linked to aging, and that’s totally fine for me. I remember that one old Treecko in the anime, did you get inspired by that? Anyway, Rowan is pretty nice, I know he can look super scary but I’m sure he’s sweet inside, with that being said, the “Pokémon and trainer have bonds” is a nice speech to read, loved reading that part, it was adorable.

That lore about Legends was fun to see, and well, the rest of the chapter passed by so fast that I forgot to comment on that, I will say one thing, though. Zubat is precious, Koa, my boy, please take care of that bat. Well, time to go to the next chapter now, but I loved this one!

Chapter 2

I’m super curious as to why people call the Johto trio legendary dogs if dogs don’t exist in the Pokémon world(unless you count the canine Pokémon), but anyway, Koa, you gotta trust that Zubat! You captured it, you can’t just throw it away… Oh no, is he gonna throw the bat away?! Please don’t.

Well, capturing a legendary is a… weird dream when you think about the fact most of them are considered deities, he’s got the spirit, though, good for Koa.

And he’s not excited to use that bat at all, geez, this guy is very rude, I mean, that Zubat is the one he rescued before, right?

Uh, Koa, why do you think Regirock is there? Don’t you know you gotta have a Wailord and Relicanth to find it? Haha, it was a Golem instead, ouch, now this is gonna be hard, because the Zubat has weakness to it, oh well.

Okay, they both made it out of there alive, that’s good. You had me worried for a moment there, so I’m glad I was wrong. AND HE FOUND A JAW FOSSIL! YES FOR TYRUNT! HAPPY DINO BABY!

Zubat is precious, and Koa needs to find that out, they’re a good team, Zubat is trying their best. Another point: no nurse Joy? See, you can’t have the entire nurse population be the exact same woman, unless she’s super powerful or something…

HE CAUGHT A JOLTIK, YAY FOR ELECTRO BUG! I’m loving his team so far, they’re both cute mons, this is so sweet. The entire fic is adorable, I’m eager to read more of this, Tetra. I’m finishing this review right here, but you might see me again in the future, once I’m caught up on this fic, hehe. Well, thanks for writing this!
 

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
Here for Review Blitz! I read Chapter 1. Nice chapter illustration!

Poor, poor Koa. He starts like me with every Pokemon game, planning out his team exactly and meticulously, but then one overeager Zubat ruins it all. No good deed goes unpunished eh?

Zubat is cute and sweet and adorable by the way and I am VERY much loking forward to seeing more of him.

I like this clearly very lighthearted (SO FAR) take on the Pokemon world. Can def. see the anime vibes. I dunno if there's gonna be some big stupid epic plot later and me being me I hope there is, but I would also be cool with this keeping the Chill Vibes.

Koa is a fitting protagonist for this sort of trainerfic. Bold, brash, has too many nstars in his eyes that blinds him to the reality of things like a certain Zubat being a little TOO grateful... It works very nicely.

My one singular gripe, grump, whatever is that some of the exposition or whatever feels a little TOO on the nose. :Like, it screams "THIS IS EXPOSITION" a little more than it should. I felt this was most apparent with the one conversation about Legendaries. It's a tough balance to strike, for sure. Thankfully it doesn't weigh down the actual info too much, which is intresting.

Now that Koa's team is on the slippery slope of going off the rails I wonder what he'll get next. Stunfisk? Duinsparce? Snom? The possibilities are ENDLESS.

I will be back for more! Eventually.
 
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