• Welcome to Thousand Roads! You're welcome to view discussions or read our stories without registering, but you'll need an account to join in our events, interact with other members, or post one of your own fics. Why not become a member of our community? We'd love to have you!

    Join now!

Prologue - An Impulsive Change of Heart

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Summary:

Kalos is currently in the clutches of a drug epidemic, and Odette Cinq-Mars is a former theater hopeful with a little too much time on her hands and a penchant for reading into things a little deeper than most.

When her best friend Noel uncovers an alarming discrepancy in some public case files regarding the drug epidemic, she begins to do more than just question. When an old flame returns to haunt her, she launches herself into the world of the Shiny Pokemon Trade to uncover some answers. She soon finds she might have been in some deep trouble long before she involved herself…

Content warnings will be listed at the beginning of every chapter, but as whole, this story is flagged for:
Sexual themes (though no sexually explicit scenes will be written), themes of sexual assault and abuse, themes of lacking body autonomy, themes of trafficking, themes of child neglect, themes of child abuse, occult and paranormal themes, biblical themes, instances of non-consensual physical interaction, instances of torture, instances of chronic illness, drug usage, gun usage, cults, terrorism, stalking, blood, kidnapping, and experimentation
Patch Notes!
12/30/21:
  • Chapter 6​
    • Made Odette way more lovey toward Dorien, despite the fact that she's disgusted.​
    • Added small kissing scene.​
  • Chapter 7​
    • Made Odette way more lovey toward Dorien, despite the fact that she hates it.​
    • Made Dorien more handsy toward Odette.​
    • Added larger, somewhat noncon kiss.​
    • Added emphasis on unhappy shiny pokemon.​
    • Added scene where waiter drops drinks all over a rich person, and the rich person yells at him. Odette wants to help, but cannot because she's playing a part.​
  • Chapter 8​
    • Eliminated every exposition about Odette thinking she's being a stalker.​
  • Chapter 9​
    • Chapter name change.​
    • Entire latter half of chapter was overhauled to eliminate a battle scene, and add a seen where the concept of Odette being possessed is introduced.​
    • Blatant show of Pokemon trafficking.​
    • Odette is still sent to the hospital, but for a different reason.​
    • Added the concept of a "Pokemon Coercion Service" that shiny traders use to coerce Pokemon that have special evolution conditions to evolve.​
    • Conversation with Clovis slightly edited.
    • Conversation with Enora heavily edited to show more compromise.
  • Chapter 10​
    • Chapter name change.​
    • Entire chapter rewritten. Now takes place in Bernard and Marieanne's home, with Odette sick with a fever.​
    • Odette still witnesses a conversation with Loic's help, but the conversation was overhauled to match the changes made in Chapter 9.​

1/4/22:
  • Prologue
    • Light edits to typos and incorrect grammar.
  • Chapter 1
    • Changed Noel's "in" at the Kalos PD from a friend he knew in an online class to somebody he knew in person.
  • Chapter 3​
    • Chopped down the opening scene.​
1/7/22
  • Chapter 1​
    • Moved explanation of shiny trade from chapter 3 to chapter 1.​
  • Chapter 3​
    • Rewrote battle scene almost entirely. Provided more stakes, more Odette getting mad, and more Dorien seeming like a competent trainer.​
  • Chapter 4​
    • Modified the discussion with Bernard to track with the changed battle scene.​
  • Chapter 8
    • Added some extra dialogue to indicate that the Rotom in Odette's RotomPhone is a Rotom going through rehabilitation.
  • Chapter 10
    • Added a bit more meat to the dialogue and more reactions from Odette as she listens.
1/17/22
  • Chapter 1
    • Indicated the year.
    • Added dialogue indicating Odette's mother is a Pokemon professor and why she's moving to Alola.
    • Tweaked dialogue between Acadia, Noel, and Odette.
1/25/2022
  • Chapter 6
    • Added a line that indicates Odette normally vents to her mom about things, but has resigned herself from doing so in the current situation she's in.
    • Typo fixes.
  • Chapter 7
    • Typo fixes
2/24/2022
  • Chapter 9
    • Slightly adjusted conversation between Odette, Enora, and Clovis, where Clovis is the one to ask Enora if she wants to be sleuthing and that's where she gives her answer.
    • Grammar and typo fixes.
8/22/2022
  • Chapter 3
    • Minor tweak to Odette's first meeting with Dorien, where it's more clear they had a weird mutual crush in high school and that she doesn't remember why they stopped hanging out.
    • Minor edits to the verbiage around Dorien and Odette discussing their Pokemon teams to sound less like they're talking about pets and more like they're talking about partners.
    • Minor edits to Odette realizing Dorien is in the shiny trade. Also mentioned that she didn't realize he was involved with the shiny trade until well into their relationship.
  • Chapter 4
    • Details tweaked to further indicate Odette didn't know Dorien was involved in the shiny trade at first, and that they had a thing in high school.
9/2/22
  • Chapter 1
    • Mentioned Odette's blood pressure problems and overall poor immunity issues sooner.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Gave the Purrloins director a name--Martin.
    • Wrote in the concept of Odette's Pokemon taking leave from working to pack for the move.
    • Move date has been moved down to April.
    • Tweaked Acadia bringing up the league--Alola forming the league a few years out, and not within the next few months.
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
  • Chapter 2
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Tweaked Odette talking about Loic--she now speaks more fondly of him. Mentions how he got her out of bed during a depressive spiral, and that he decided to stay with her instead of returning to the wild.
  • Chapter 3
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Introduced RotomPhone as a helper Pokemon in rehab from an injury.
    • Rewrote Dorien and Odette's meeting, where Odette clearly still has a crush on Dorien, and thinks about the almost-relationship they had in high school.
    • Mentioned that Odette had her entire team sans Loic in high school.
    • Odette's realization about Dorien's involvement in the shiny trade hits a lot harder, and it's more obvious that she's perplexed about forgetting it. Emphasis on how she didn't realize it until later into their relationship.
    • Dorien is more forthright about starting a relationship with her.
    • Mention that Odette's team take different classes from her during the day.
    • Move names are capitalized.
  • Chapter 4
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • More exposition on Odette's anger problems. Rewrote the excerpt about her breaking a student's finger. More emphasis on the fact her anger issues have been diagnosed as part of a hormone problems, also associated with her other medical issues.
    • Bernard knows about Odette's former thing for Dorien.
  • Chapter 5
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Adjusted some dialogue around Dorien.
  • Chapter 6
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Included Vienna's partner, a Gardevoir named Thea.
  • Chapter 7
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Mentioned Dorien's clique, consisting of Denis, Colin, Adam, and Lionel.
    • Touched on Noel's former relationship with Colin, and his general awkwardness with commitment.
  • Chapter 8
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Slight line edits.
  • Chapter 9
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Included the names of Dorien's friends in passing.
    • A little more dialogue on Noel's commitment issues.
  • Chapter 10
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Added a little more description to Marieanne and tweaked some of her dialogue.
  • Chapter 11
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
    • Adjusted verbiage to refer to Pokemon as "partners" and "friends" and not like pets.
    • Used director's new name, Martin, to refer to him.
    • Acadia brings up the conversation about Odette's health from Chapter 1.
  • Chapter 11.5
    • Single sentence mentioning that Odette wouldn't remember Denis asking her out twice, but Dorien does.
  • Chapter 12
    • Lowercased all Pokemon species names unless they were being referred to as proper nouns.
10/14/22
  • All Chapters
    • Corrected Odette calling her mother "maman" instead of "mom" or "mum."
10/31/22
  • Chapter 1:
    • More dialogue around Odette's health problems to supplement the exposition in chapter 4.
  • Chapter 4:
    • Trimmed exposition around Odette's health problems.
  • Chapter 5:
    • Rewrote Noel not being aware Dorien was in the shiny trade.
  • Chapter 11:
    • Rewrote Acadia not being aware Dorien was in the shiny trade (and Odette hasn't told her).
11/11/22
  • Chapter 3
    • Modified the police discovery being presented on the news. Instead of a drug bust, they found bodies of trainers and Pokemon who overdosed on sacrilege.
11/23/22
  • All Chapters
    • Grammarly'd that shit.
    • Changed all mentions of money to "Euros."
  • Prologue​
    • Changed chapter name​
    • Rewritten entirely​
  • Chapter 9
    • Noel mentions Dorien's friend Denis asking her out twice, and Odette doesn't remember that happening.
12/29/22
  • All Chapters
    • Minor typo fixes
  • Chapter 7
    • Adjusted line about Clovis beating Dorien in Pokemon battles, now implying that Dorien has beaten Clovis in battle before.
1/9/23
  • Chapter 2
    • Described Odette coming out of her anger spell a little more to match the visceral descriptions of her initial onset rage.
  • Chapter 4
    • Added some lines indicating Bernard has to be selective about what he can tell Odette about his job and cases.
    • Tweaked the wording of the Virtue Corp letter.
  • Chapter 5
    • Added scene at the end where Odette talks to her team about getting involved in the investigation.
  • Chapter 8
    • More discussion on whether or not Virtue Corp is good or evil, or in kahoots or rivaling Team Enigma.
    • Added more exposition around Odette wondering if Clovis was involved in a scandal.
    • Added a part where Noel suggests Clovis might be hiding information because he was involved in a sexual assault scandal, and Odette panics a little bit.
  • Chapter 9
    • Added dialogue of Odette asking Clovis if he was involved in a scandal and Clovis getting really offended.
    • Tweaked the dialogue around Noel discussing Clovis flirting with Odette, to have him indicate that he's still suspicious of him.
  • Chapter 12
    • Added a part where Noel admits they don't fully trust Virtue Corp's alignment.
    • Added a part where Clovis states he's alright with having to convince them Virtue Corp is good.
  • Chapter 13
    • Added a part where Noel specifically asks for Valentin to explain why Virtue Corp is good.
1/10/23
  • Chapter 6
    • Changed the setting--restaurant is now on a private island that can only be reached by boat. Dorien and Odette are on the boat when he wipes her memory.
    • Tweaked the brief exposition about Odette thinking about what lipstick to put on. She instead decides her lips look fine without lipstick, and also "doesn't want to give Dorien more reasons to look at her."
  • Chapter 11.5
    • Tweaked Clovis's conversation with Dorien about Florent and lessened Clovis's urgency to meet him.
    • Wrote a little more about Dorien hating playing nice with Clovis.
1/13/23
  • Chapter 7
    • Tweaked the dialogue between Odette and Clovis when they joked with each other.
    • Tweaked Noel showing up to flirt with Dorien, and had Odette act like she was annoyed by it. Also had her be a little upset that Noel did it after the fact.
    • Tweaked dialogue from the rich woman asking about Odette's lips. Also tweaked how Odette answers--she says her lips are natural but she does know a plastic surgeon.
1/14/23
  • Chapter 8
    • Included some discussion about the blood pokemon and what they might be. Noel asks Odette if her mom might know about it, and Odette denies knowing the answer to that. Odette also worries for Enora.
    • Some light prose changes.
    • Cut out some of the beginning exposition to get to the meat of Odette's research faster.
  • Chapter 9
    • Tweaked dialogue between Odette and Enora to suit the inclusion of the earlier conversation Odette has with her team about getting involved in the investigation.
    • Tweaked dialogue around Odette asking Clovis if he's a predator.
1/16/23
  • Chapter 1
    • Tweaked dialogue around Noel and Odette discussing the castform mating season and the weather.
  • Chapter 11.5
    • Added dialogue about Clovis having taken Lust sacrilege a lot in the past.
    • Clovis now states that he just buys sacrilege for himself and his whole team, not for Claire De Lune.
    • Clovis now mentions that he's taking a break from sacrilege.
    • Tweaked the line from Florent to say "If you personally mess with a single hair on her head without my firm approval--"
    • Added some internal discourse about Dorien wondering if Florent is eyeing Clovis to be the new Envy host or the new Lust host, on account of how often Clovis allegedly purchased Lust sacrilege.
  • Chapter 13
    • Straightened out the dialogue to be more coherent and flow better. Moved bits around and deleted dialogue that didn't make sense.
    • Added some extra explanation about Team Enigma members worshipping the blood legendaries.
    • Added dialogue about Clovis explaining how he had to purchase and take sacrilege to get in with Dorien.
    • Added dialogue about Clovis explaining how he's hit a wall with his undercover work, as he can't get to Florent even after earning their trust.
    • Rearranged dialogue around Odette asking what happens if someone non-Enigma aligned uncovers a blood type. Clovis now explains how tight Enigma is about dealing it.
    • Slight edits to Vice Dust explanation.
    • Added explanation about how Florent and Dorien got their sin Pokemon.
    • Modified explanation stating that while humans can spawn blood types with sacrilege, it takes a lot, to the point where most don't do it and just take sacrilege for the high.
1/18/23
  • Prologue
    • Added a small paragraph to describe Florent and Armel's maroon/red eye color, and its significance with the Blood Legendaries
  • Chapter 2
    • Had Noel comment on Odette's eye color, and Odette insists it's a mutation.
  • Chapter 4
    • Included a line about a mutation in Odette's eye color.
  • Chapter 13
    • Added a line to indicate that the legendaries will not pass between Lambourne descendants if they're already with vessels.
2/1/23
  • Chapter 1
    • Odette questions why the Pokemon in the shiny trade don't fight back.
  • Chapter 3
    • Changed convo between Dorien and Odette. Dorien insists rumors about the shiny trade are false and that the Pokemon want to be there. Odette says it shouldn't be an institution, and rebuffs his attempts to ask her out.
  • Chapter 5
    • Tweaked the conversation Odette has with her team when telling them she's getting in on the investigation. Changed Solene's reaction to a determined agreement.
    • Enora is still grouchy, and Odette decides to leave her out of it until she hears a firm yes. Wonders why Enora is so reluctant, and wonders if it has something to do with her past.
  • Chapter 7
    • Odette wonders why the Pokemon don't fight back if they look so upset.
  • Chapter 8
    • Odette wonders if the Pokemon don't fight back because of sacrilege.
  • Chapter 9
    • Added some lines to indicate that Enora had suddenly decided she wanted to come along, to supplement how she'd been reluctant and how Odette had decided to leave her out in earlier chapters.
    • Added some dialogue of Odette asking why Enora wanted to come.
    • Added some lines to indicate Enora is upset.
    • Tweaked the conversation between Odette and Enora. Odette is worried about what she's doing to her Pokemon more than she's worried about them watching her put herself through what she's doing.
    • When the plusle and minun pair are split up, the plusle tries to flare up but its owner has a move dampener that prevents it. Odette realizes this is why they won't fight back.
  • Chapter 13
    • Odette wonders if Enora was so reluctant to get involved because she knows she has a blood type in her.
  • All Chapters
    • General grammar fixes.
    • Changed Noel's Pokemon names. Braviary is Elton, Talonflame is Freddy, Vullaby is Ru.
6/26/23
  • All Chapters:
    • Went back and changed all dialogue for the Pokemon characters to actual translated versions. New worldbuilding I've come up with states that the longer you're around certain types and species, the better you get at understanding them (so for example, Odette's pretty good at understanding Ghosts because they all talk similarly, and likewise she can grasp what Eevelutions are saying because she has a longtime eeveelution partner). She can understand say, Noel and Acadia's Pokemon because they've all been friends since they were 6 so she's had a lot of exposure to their partners. Still, she'll struggle to grasp what Clovis and Dorien's Pokemon are saying because they're types and species she's majorly had little interaction with.
6/29/23
  • Chapters 2, 3, and 7
    • Introduced and talked about the concept of an "astral shrine"--something magical-type Pokemon trainers use to passively power up their Pokemon. They're little altars with offerings placed upon them that can help power up magical-type Pokemon. Odette observes her own, thinks about it before her battle with Dorien, and mentions it to Clovis.
  • Chapter 3
    • Odette thinks about using Arceus plates on her astral shrine to boost its efficiency, but she doesn't because they give her headaches.
7/21/23
  • Chapter 6
    • Vienna comments about going to church and Odette throwing up every time they went.
  • Chapter 13
    • Noel asks if blood types are affected by holy relics like blessed water, buildings, and items. Valentin says they are.
    • Valentin comments about how Dorien doesn't like to go to Arcean churches and Odette asks why. Valentin tells her it's because Dorien gets stomach aches in churches, and confirms it's because he's the vessel for a blood type. Odette is very thrown by this revelation and starts to wonder if Arcean plates give Dorien headaches, and if it's all just a coincidence.
12/17/23
  • Prologue
    • Mentioned "The Lambourne Birth Curse" as Florent is dwelling on Odette's birth.
    • Changed it so the Blood Legendaries had been in the Lambourne family for a millennia and not just a few centuries.

***

White Swan.jpg


Prologue: An Impulsive Change of Heart
CW: Thoughts of infanticide, talk of infanticide, thoughts of murder, implied child neglect
Author's Note: Hey all! Thanks for stopping by. There's two versions of this chapter--the original that's been up since this fic was posted, and the rewrite. I do highly suggest you focus on the rewrite, but you're more than welcome to read both. Hope you enjoy!

The emergency breach sirens wailed through the halls of the S.S. Mystic Milotic.

Team Enigma usually functioned like a well-oiled machine, but the sirens prompted chaos. Grunts ran around trying to gain information from one another, but every grunt was just as clueless as the next. Some just stood by and waited for further instructions from their feared leader, but nothing came.

He was dealing with the issue himself.

Florent Lambourne threw open the doors to the highly secure keep, located in the ship's bowels, with his 11-year-old son Armel at his heels. Florent's hardened features were twisted into a look of pure rage, which appeared to make his maroon eyes glow. He pushed on his navy suit's sleeves, trying to keep his hands busy. Armel’s face was a little more blank, but there was an obvious glint of childish apprehension in his gaze. He clutched a thick journal tightly to his chest.

The alarm sound was at its loudest in this room, bouncing off the server-lined walls and metal floors. There were no windows for the noise to escape out of, allowing it to swell and rattle through the high-tech research equipment that had been placed throughout the space. All the light fixtures on the ceiling flared red.

The four grunts on guard in the keep whirled around at the loud bang of the doors. Although their faces were entirely covered by their uniform gas masks, Florent could still see their fear, plain as day. Their stiff straight postures, the jumpy ways their shoulders rose and fell in time with their panicked breathing. They were absolutely terrified.

As they should be.

“Your majesty!” one greeted. There was a clear air of distress in the way he spoke.

“Where are they?” Florent grunted.

“Um, they’re still there, but…” another grunt tried to answer.

“But what?”

He pushed past the line of terrified grunts and quickly approached the center of the keep. It was a large space built to take up the entire bottom portion of the ship. Florent had to widen his stride to cover the distance quickly. A raised pedestal stood in the center, with a Pokeball holder perched atop it. His heart dropped when he saw that the glass that normally protected the balls inside was completely shattered.

“No, no, no, no…” he muttered to himself as he leaned over the contents. The holder had five pockets, each occupied with its own neatly situated Pokeball, closed and undisturbed. Or, at least, that was how it was supposed to be.

The fifth and final Pokeball was open and broken as if the Pokemon it housed had blown it out from the inside.

Florent’s eyes went wide, much more so when he read the label that marked the pocket.

Venira.

“How is that even possible…”

“Your majesty,” one of the grunts said again. “We are terribly sorry. But we don’t know--”

“Did one of you take it?” Florent cut him off.

The underlings quickly fell into a collective fit of denial.

“No, your majesty."

“We would never."

“They’re your relics, your majesty."

Florent took a deep breath and straightened his back. He calmly turned to face them as he folded his hands behind him. His expression wasn’t angry anymore. His features had relaxed, now showing something a little more stoic.

“You say that, and yet...why is it that my most powerful Blood Legendary has gone missing while you were the ones on duty?” he asked sternly, like a teacher questioning misbehaving students.

“We didn’t know what to do, your majesty,” one said as evenly as he could manage. His voice wavered nonetheless. “It had a meltdown. It just busted out, and we couldn’t catch it.”

“Isn’t the whole point of guards in the keep to ensure none of my relics go missing?” Florent inquired. He lightly cocked his head to the side for good measure. “So you’re either going to tell me that one of you has taken it, or you failed to do your job. Both are equally as bad.”

The panic wafting off of the grunts thickened the air and caused a smirk to tilt Florent’s lips. He stepped down off the pedestal.

“Your next option is to beg for my forgiveness.”

The four grunts exchanged looks. After a beat, they dropped to their knees and fell over into a bowing position. They then began to run through their memorized code of apology.

"Forgive us, King Florent, for we have wronged you..."

Florent let it go on for several seconds. He didn’t bother to interrupt; he didn’t bother to terrorize them further. In the middle of all of it, he felt an all-too-familiar tickle in his ear. His eyes narrowed, and soon, the voice followed.

“What is it you’re going to do?” it asked tenderly.

Florent considered the words for a moment before holding up a halting hand.

“Cease and rise,” he snapped.

The four grunts quieted themselves and stumbled back to their feet.

“You should know I am feeling peckish,” the voice said.

Florent pursed his lips, then turned his head slightly to look at Armel, who had kept quiet through the altercation. He had moved off to the side, away from the door, to stand near a table of empty beakers and test tubes. He stood stiff and straight, still clutching that little book of his. That same glint of trepidation still lingered in his eyes.

He felt that, perhaps, this would be a good learning experience for his one and only heir, even if he would probably forget it.

His smirk broadened as he looked back at the grunts and their lowered heads. “Your words have moved me,” he began. “So much so that I am willing to forgive your transgression against Team Enigma and me.”

There were evident sighs of relief from the grunts. They held themselves quite stiffly as they were trained, but Florent could still see the tension beginning to leave them.

“However,” he continued. He pulled his left hand from behind his back, revealing the single Pokeball he’d had on him. “You’ve outlived your usefulness to me. Your time for purification has come, my good men.”

He pushed the button on the pokeball, and it popped open with the familiar flash. The inhabitant began to manifest in front of the once-again frightened group.

“Gulattive, it is dinner time,” Florent said calmly. He brought his free hand to his lips and bit down on his thumb until it drew blood.

The bead of red that formed on his thumb began to glow, and a stream of light shot out from it and joined the beams emanating from the Pokeball. It met with the manifestation, causing it to begin to grow in size. It grew, and grew, and grew. It didn’t appear to stop growing until the glowing form had nearly hit the ceiling. However, it stopped short of it and faded from the beams of the Pokeball and Florent’s blood into reality.

It was a towering, lanky form with arms as long as its seemingly legless body. This left the being floating like a ghost. A cloak appeared to cover it, with a hood up over what should have been its head. However, there looked to be no head to speak of. Only a single, bloodshot red eye sat in place. Once formed, it loomed ominously over the four grunts.

They didn't attempt to run, knowing damn well it would be futile. Their fates were sealed. They accepted it.

"Mom, I'm coming home, pure and true," one muttered as his tears began to soak the inside of his mask. He shut his eyes and prepared for the inevitable.

“Feast,” Florent said simply.

A slit tore open in the Pokemon’s stomach, revealing rows upon rows of serrated and saliva-coated pincers. A pointed tongue that looked far too long to fit in its body licked the pincers before curling outward into the open. The Pokemon emitted a threatening growl before lunging at the grunts. All that could be heard was a set of high-pitched squeals, followed by the sickening sound of their bones crunching and the squelch of their flesh being bitten into. It took Gulattive no time at all to swallow down all of them.

Florent chuckled to himself as he watched the Pokemon finish its meal before turning back to the puzzling sight of the broken pokeball and holder. He huffed again and crossed his arms.

“Tell me. Were any of them lying?” he asked.

Gulattive slurped to itself before turning to face its host.

“No, master,” it said slyly, speaking out loud this time. “They tasted pure. No trace of Venira.”

“Then where could it have gone? How did it break open its ball?”

“It seems,” Gulattive began, “Venira has selected a host. It willed an escape, enough to break any bindings."

Florent’s brows furrowed deeply, and he whipped around to face the towering Pokemon.

“What do you mean selected a host?” he growled. “You told me that I selected the hosts for the rest.”

Gulattive hummed to himself with sinister glee. “You do. But if your bloodline expands, one shall inhabit the offspring, as Avareed did with the boy."

Florent moved his gaze over to Armel, who was frozen in his spot. Sheer terror had grabbed hold of his body and had no plans to let go any time soon. His eyes were locked on the place where the grunts had been standing. All there was left of them now was a puddle of blood.

“F-father, you…” Armel stammered.

Florent scoffed to himself. “Wipe the look off your face, boy. That’s how things are handled around here."

He turned on his heel and approached the wall just off to his left, where a giant red button was affixed. With his face now out of Armel's sight, he took that small second to cringe to himself as a wash of minute regret came over him. While those bumbling morons had failed to keep Venira secure, they were still valuable numbers among Team Enigma. It had been difficult to come across new recruits lately, and now that he was thinking clearly, he realized he couldn't afford the loss that had just occurred.

And yet, here they were.

Florent wasn't quite sure how he could keep telling himself he could keep his destructive impulses under control. After a whole lifetime being the Pokemon of Gluttony's vessel, he should have known by now that there was no wrangling those side effects, no matter how much he tried.

With a single, very aggressive shake of his head, he pulled a key card from his pocket and swiped it into the reader strip that was placed just next to the button. It released, and he looked back over at Armel, who was still quivering like a pathetic Magikarp out of water in his spot.

"You'll forget it by tomorrow anyway, my dear boy."

He slammed his fist on the button, halting the alarm and flashing red lights. All returned to normal as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

Florent turned back to Gulattive. “And you couldn’t have told me that me expanding my bloodline, even unwillingly, would cause me to lose these Pokemon of mine?” he queried.

“You didn’t ask.”

Florent clenched his teeth in disdain. He supposed it couldn’t be helped that this particular Legendary was so conniving.

“So, you're implying I have another child somewhere?”

“Not implying, master. Telling,” Gulattive stated. “Judging by the speed which Venira left, I am to assume a child of your blood has just been born.”

Florent paced back to the front of the pedestal, his eyes downcast in thought. He raised his wrist to his face, seeking the date off his watch.

December 14th, 1997. 8:16 pm. The alarm had begun to go off a mere five minutes ago.

“How could I have another child born at this point?” he asked himself. He racked his brain for possible answers. Several mistresses of his were aboard the ship, but none he’d had long enough to carry a baby to a full, healthy term.

“Quite strange that master cannot remember who he has lusted after.”

“Shut up, you,” Florent snapped. “You’re Gluttony, not Lust.”

As his father conversed with Gulattive, Armel was wracking his brain for ideas on what he should do. He had to be useful if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts.

He slowly brought his journal to his face and pulled it open, shaky hands flipping frantically through the pages, trying to find something he might have written down that could assist his father in the current predicament. He hoped he’d written some helpful information down somewhere in his previous lives.

He turned page upon page, his eyes scanning them for any trigger words that might prove worth mentioning. In the several seconds he turned, he found himself slightly tripped up by the recounts of preceding days, as he always was when he reread everything. Instances that he had no recollection of, rewritten clear as day in his own handwriting, and dated for convenience. He blew backward through November, October, September, August...all the way back to April, where he finally found something.



April 4th, 1997.

Galar.

Father’s woman left today. He didn’t know she was leaving, so he was really angry. Don’t mention her to him tomorrow. We will likely be leaving Galar tonight because of it, too, so don’t be alarmed if we’re elsewhere.




“The Galarian woman…?” Armel stammered quietly. He gulped and took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. Trying to get the image of Gulattive eating four people whole out of his head. If there was any moment for him to be thankful that his brain was fried, it was this one. He’d have no recollection of it tomorrow morning, and it wouldn’t be something he planned to jot down.

“Speak up, Armel,” Florent shouted sharply. Armel flinched at how his father’s voice bounced off the walls, and his shoulders tensed.

“The Galarian woman,” he repeated, louder this time. There was no need, though, as Florent had strode over to him, and now stood over him.

“The one you met back in Spring. While we were in Galar,” he clarified. He tentatively closed the journal and held it down at his side, hoping desperately that he’d said enough.

Florent brought a thoughtful finger to his bottom lip, as the memories lit up his eyes.

“Vienna,” he recalled fondly. “That was her name. Beautiful, sweet Vienna.”

She’d left him without a trace. High, dry, and heartbroken. He remembered going to pick her up from her dorm at her college, only to find she’d left the region entirely. No goodbye, no note, not even a phone call.

He remembered how badly he wanted to wring her neck for it.

He caressed his chin, allowing his eyes to slip shut in contemplation. Their last time together had been April--eight months ago. It wasn't necessarily farfetched to assume she could have been with a child in the weeks before. Still, he thought he'd been careful...

Recalling the timeline of his brief relationship with her caused him to wonder: did she leave him behind because she’d gotten pregnant? He had to wonder if she even knew at that point. If she did, it only gave him one more reason to want to feed her to Gulattive too. Keeping one of his heirs from him was a crime he wouldn’t allow himself to forgive.

Especially not when said heir had stolen his strongest relic from him.

“You told me Venira was comatose. How is it that it broke free to find my child?”

“I can’t say,” Gulattive mused. “Venira has always been an odd one out. It seems they have been reawakened by whatever presence has been introduced. It must be a strong one!”

Florent didn’t like that prospect. While the idea of having another heir was one he enjoyed, having said heir attract the attention of the otherwise dormant Pokemon of Wrath…

It just wouldn’t do.

“How could I get Venira to return?”

“The child would have to willingly give it to you or perish.”

That was a no-brainer. A newborn couldn’t willingly give up possession, so the demise of it would have to do.

“Well. Then I must do some digging and find what it is my sweet Vienna hid from me.”

He placed a light hand on Armel’s head, causing the boy to flinch at the touch. Florent didn’t appear to notice it.

“Good on you for remembering, my boy. That journal was a good investment.”

Thank you, father,” Armel gulped.

“Come. We must go to the surveillance rooms at once.”

“Yes, father,” Armel agreed.

“Is there anything the master requires of me?” Gulattive inquired.

Florent didn’t hesitate to hold out his empty pokeball and push the button.

“Yes. Return,” he said as Gulattive was sucked back into the ball in another flash of light. It sealed shut, and he threw it up once and caught it.

“Your services shouldn’t be needed until I locate my newborn. It should be a solid meal for you.”

His left ear began to tickle again, and Gulattive spoke in his head again.

“I shall be looking forward to it!”

As the S.S. Mystic Milotic docked in the shipyard, Florent Lambourne sighed to himself. He was annoyed he even had to bother with something like this, but that's what he got for being complacent. Reckless. Horny.

He stared out over the dark Azure sea, deciding he didn't have it in him to stand just yet. So much work to be done, so much on his plate. Leave it to the birth of a goddamn baby to make it worse.

Whipping his swivel chair back around to face his desk again, he grasped at the pile of papers that had been presented to him. The ones that gave him everything he needed to know about his plan for the evening.

Galar was always home to him. He'd spent most of his life there with no plans to uproot. The food was good, the architecture was astounding, and the opportunities…well, they were knocking. Not to mention the women were in abundance, just as eager to approach him at the first sign of his wealth as anyone would be. Nobody had caught his fancy until he met her.

Her. The absolute bane of his existence.

Vienna was leaps and bounds above any other woman he'd laid eyes on. Hair like a luxray's mane, skin glowing like a morelull’s, lips as red as a magmar. So enticing. And her body? Unmatched.

She knew damn well she had a choke-hold on him, too. And she played him like a goddamn fool.

It'd been about seven months since she left him standing at the entrance of her college dorm, wallowing in his idiocy. She thought she could simply avoid telling him she was returning to her home region without telling him her real name. She thought she could skirt around him, spin him up in her web of lies, and get off scot-free.

Never. Not in a million years. People who tried to play him for a moron always lost their heads, literally and figuratively. Vienna, despite the grip she'd had on his heart, was no different. Especially not after what she'd done.

He shuffled through the papers again, finding the notes his spies had put together. She'd said she was Kalosian, and he believed her just based on her accent alone. He was pleased to know there was one thing about her that was truthful.

It'd been a while since he'd come to Kalos. He'd have enjoyed it more if he weren't seeing red.

Anybody would be livid if something were stolen from them, right? What was it with Kalosians thinking they could just take things from him? First it was that slimy Jean-Louis, and now—

Something tickled the inside of his right ear, and Florent's jaw instinctively clenched.

It seems we've arrived, spoke the literal devil on his shoulder. Soon, we'll have the family back together again.

"I don't understand how this could have happened if the ball was locked," Florent said, thumbing his lower lip, his maroon eyes locked on the page he held. Reading the words for the twentieth time in a row.

I've already clarified that I'm just as perplexed as you. However, if we've found the correct source, I can assure you that recapturing Venira will be a simple task.

Florent was silent for a beat. "And you're sure none of the guards had it on them?"

A chuckle. As much as I did enjoy the extended dinner, rest assured that I have not lied about that.

Florent sighed gruffly and settled back into his chair, palming his face. That was…what, twenty men becoming Gulattive's meal? Of course, the Pokemon of Gluttony wouldn't mind that, but that was par for the course.

Gluttony. Liking things in excess. Making Florent do things in excess.

It seemed like a good idea at the moment, the punishment for letting Venira escape being death. But, thinking about it days later with a much clearer head, he could feel the regret settling in.

Team Enigma was no small gang. Much more significant than any organized crime group. And slowly growing. But they couldn't afford such a loss. Yet, Florent hadn't hesitated to throw all who were on duty at the time of the Pokemon of Wrath's escape into Gulattive's mouth.

Rolling his shoulders, he steeled himself with a sharp breath.

They were examples. Examples of why not guarding his prized possessions with their lives was a horrible idea. The next subjects to fill their places would know better once Venira returned to her place in the keep.

"You do tend to pull my leg, Gulattive. Pardon me for wanting to make sure," he replied, letting a rancorous smile upturn his lips as he spoke.

I have no reason to lie about Venira escaping into your newest bastard.

The smile fled off Florent's face, replaced by a scowl he should have probably saved for the confrontation he was about to have. His gaze zeroed in on a specific paragraph.

It has been confirmed that on December 14th, 1997, at 8:16 pm, target Vienna Cinq-Mars gave birth to a baby girl. The child was born eight weeks premature and has been admitted to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Mount Molteau Hospital. Vienna Cinq-Mars suffered tremendous blood loss as a result of placental detachment and–

It was nice to know that at least she'd suffered, but it was unfortunate she was so resilient. She could have died in childbirth and taken the baby with her.

Florent began to wonder how Vienna thought she would get away with it. She'd never even informed him she had gotten pregnant. Part of him wondered if she'd even known herself, but that was beside the point. She still left without telling him, which was criminal in itself.

It was one thing for Vienna to have lied about her age—he'd remembered thinking she looked a little young to be twenty-four, but he'd decided to chalk her youthful appearance up to her immaculate Kalosian genes, as it seemed those women never aged—but it was another to leave without warning, then bear a child that somehow managed to inherit his most powerful asset.

Florent couldn't afford another illegitimate kid running around with his claim to power within them. The Blood Legendaries were his and his alone to bestow, especially concerning that one Pokemon of Wrath.

He needed to kill that baby. Tonight. And maybe Vienna, too, just out of pure spite. As pretty, as rambunctious, as entirely conniving as she was, she'd make a splendid snack for Gluttony.

He’d normally have one of his operatives carry out the acts, but this was a special case. He wanted to see the life drain from the baby’s face. He wanted to tell Vienna the baby was dead, then perhaps see the horror in her eyes as she realized she would be next. It would be some fabulous revenge.

As he silently imagined his personal murder spree, a knock rang out from the door to his office. He dropped his papers and sat up straighter. "Come in, please."

The door swung open slowly, and in walked his right hand and closest confidant, Silvain. "Your grace, the ship is set to disembark. There is a car waiting out front for you."

Florent let out another sigh and finally willed himself to stand.

"How hard can it be to kill a premature baby?" he muttered.

Surely not difficult, Gulattive replied, which is why it must be done.

There was a forcefulness in Gulattive's tone that sent an involuntary chill up Florent's spine. He'd never been scared of the legendary, but there was a level of edge to the ‘mon that sent Florent's survival instincts into a frenzy. He sometimes wondered how they'd made it thirty-four years together with little incident.

He couldn't help but notice how dead-set Gulattive was on keeping Venira at bay. She was the strongest, but she’d been stuck in her ball for years. Gulattive had seemed convinced that that was for the best.

All it did was pique Florent’s interest.

The seven legendaries had been with his family for the last millennia, and none of them had managed to get Venira out of her ball. She was dead to the world up until now. Would Florent have been better off being the vessel for Wrath instead of Gluttony? Now that she had decided to awaken, he had to consider the possibilities…

“You’re quite invested in this,” he commented.

Venira is a tyrant, Gulattive snapped. She must be kept at bay, or she'll destroy all of us.

The sudden outburst caused Florent to jolt, effectively ceasing his trek out of his office. Silvain, ever steeled, didn't move. But, the two were left staring at each other dumbly until Florent could force himself to move again.

"I would be surprised if the embodiment of Wrath weren't a tyrant," he said evenly before continuing forward.

Florent was set on making his way to the ship's exit when a thought occurred to him. He once again stopped mid-step, leaving Silvain to gaze upon him quizzically. Florent didn't acknowledge him as he checked his watch.

9:31 pm. Past Armel's bedtime.

His brow furrowed. He'd been so caught up in tracking down his other kid that he'd begun to neglect the one he already had on hand. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten a good look at the six-year-old's face…

There was time for a detour.

"Please give me a moment. I need to see something first," he said.

***​

Armel's room was a deck up, with all the more oversized bedrooms. Not too far out of the way of his office. He'd make this quick, then be on his way.

Florent pushed the door open to his son's room, eyes squinting in the dark. At least the room was dark. Florent expected at least a lone light shining into one of Armel's books as he evaded sleep with his reading. Florent supposed the boy could be doing much worse things while staying up past 9, but…bedtime was bedtime. He was the boss, and that was that.

Stepping into the room, he was greeted with faint snoring. With a few tiptoed steps, he was near the bed, watching Armel's chest rise and fall at its slow pace. Out cold for the night. Good.

His eyes slowly roved over Armel's sleeping form, and for the briefest moment, he felt himself second-guessing his plans. He very well could kidnap the child and bring it aboard. Raise it like he was Armel; the boy was constantly complaining about a lack of companionship, like the Blood Legendary he harbored wasn't enough for him. Though Florent realized one could only handle so much of the Pokemon of Greed for so long, especially a six-year-old. Eating at his thoughts, making him the poor amnesiac he was.

Florent often found himself annoyed with the impulsiveness Gulattive gave him. Still, he was sure it was far more manageable than dealing with a mind-eater like Avareed. Waking up every day forgetting most of, if not all, of the day previous. Needing to write it all down as a reminder. So much for a child of Armel's age to be dealing with. A sibling to confide in would suit him since he was still too young for another Pokemon partner.

But Florent didn't want to deal with this with another kid. Especially not a kid holding the Pokemon of Wrath. He could barely be bothered with Armel most of the time, but with Armel and a newborn? A newborn he didn't even ask for? Not that he'd asked for Armel, but things happened. It was Florent's fault for not being careful about who he invited back to his room and doubly because he wasn't vigilant with his contraceptives. Besides, somebody had to hold Greed, and he supposed it was best off in his own kid.

Not Wrath, though. He wanted Wrath to go to somebody of his choosing now that she was awake. Preferably himself somehow. Not a baby. Not the baby of the woman who played him.

Cutting his gaze to the nightstand next to Armel's bed, Florent noticed the boy's journal neatly stacked next to the lamp. The one that held every minute of every day, lest he forget about it the next morning. Without thinking, Florent approached the stand and took the journal in his hand, flipping through the full, wrinkled pages to the most recent ones. It looked like Armel would be needing a new book soon. Florent made a mental note to have one of the nannies pick one up.

He lazily skimmed the words, noticing how Armel's handwriting seemed to fluctuate between immaculate and absolute combusken scratch. Florent had half a mind to wake and chastise him about it, but he caught himself on the thought and shook it off. No, that was no reason to wake a sleeping boy. He'd bring it up with the tutors in the morning and leave it at that.

In a moment of curiosity, he flipped to some earlier entries. With a quick skim, he found one that stood out.


April 4th, 1997.

Galar.

Father brought a friend home today. Her name is Vienna. She has big hair and big lips and is very pretty. She is also very nice. The stuffed impidimp is from her. We like Vienna.


Florent’s rage surged, and he reached over to shake Armel. He stopped as his hand landed on the boy’s back.

No. No. Even poor Armel had been fooled. It wasn’t his fault. Let him sleep in bliss, he thought.

With a shaky breath, Florent flipped back to the newer entries.

There wasn't much of note. Just things about his meals, what he was learning in his lessons, more reminiscing about Pokemon partners. A few notes on nonsense conversations he'd had with Avareed, which he could barely understand. Kids were strange, especially when they had primordial legendaries stuck to them.

He was about to shut the book when he flipped to one of the entries from earlier in the week.


December 14th, 1997

Galar.

One of the Pokemon got out today. Venira is what father called it. He yelled a lot and threw all the guards that were there in the lower part of the boat. Gulattive ate them, and father made me and the others watch. I was really scared of how much they screamed. It sounded like it was hurting. It was an accident, and I don't think they deserved it. But father told me that he didn't care and that I needed to learn. I don't know what I need to learn but I didn’t like that lesson. Father is scary when he's like that.

Blood smells bad. I hope I don't end up like that.



Florent's eyes slipped shut as he exhaled slowly. Now the regret was gripping him entirely.

An example had been made, yes, but at what cost? What was a young boy like Armel supposed to take from watching a group of grunts get eaten alive? Fear that it could be him at some point? What the hell had Florent been thinking?

Armel couldn't be kept under Florent's thumb with Avareed if he was afraid of him. Besides, the boy was too young for gore like that. Perhaps when he was older, he'd be able to stomach it better.

Florent grasped the page and tore it out in a single flick. Crumpling it, he sat the journal down and turned back for the door. He didn't get very far before the blankets on the bed rustled.

"Father?"

Another slow exhale as Florent stopped in his tracks. He gripped the paper in his fist and turned his head. "What are you doing up?"

Every time Florent looked at Armel, he always found himself amazed at how much the boy resembled him. From the face to the hair, to the maroon glow in his eyes--the true sign of a Lambourne born with a Blood Legendary. Genetics really were unreal. As much as Florent hadn't wanted to be a father, it was quite neat to have a miniature version of himself. Hopefully, he could raise it to act the same as well.

It was a few seconds before Armel responded with a yawn. "I…I heard a noise."

"I was just checking your windows," Florent replied. "Go back to sleep."

He didn't give him a chance to reply before exiting the bedroom.

***​

"Your grace," Silvain spoke, catching his attention. Florent raised his gaze to meet his assistants, only to see that he was being handed a lab coat, what looked to be an I.D, his dampening device, and Venira’s repaired pokeball.

"These are for you. The subjects in the lab were able to fashion a working keycard for ease of access. You should be able to get into all the wards without much hassle.’

Florent pursed his lips and took the items, eyeing the I.D. closely. It looked official. It felt official, too. With a doctor's coat on, nobody would know what he was up to unless he was stupid.

"You've outdone yourself," he praised as he began slipping the coat over his shoulders. "This should go rather smoothly then, hm?"

When he was sure the coat was snuggly in place and he had everything he needed, he handed Gulattive’s ball to a puzzled Silvain.

“You don’t require Gluttony’s assistance?” he asked.

“I’d prefer if I didn’t have him screaming in my ear while I’m trying to practice stealth,” Florent replied. Some time away apart was always good. The hospital was a solid two-and-a-half-hour drive from the shipyard, so Gulattive would be too far away to interfere. And Florent would have his dampener with him, so no mental interference would happen either.

He wanted to do this alone, without an eldritch god bossing him around. Or doing something rash.

I do not scream in your ear. I speak firmly into your ear, Gulattive protested.

“Of course, sir. I will guard him accordingly.”

“I trust that you will.”

As Florent stepped onto the ramp leading off the ship, Gulattive’s voice began to tickle his ear again.

I’m quite offended that you think I won’t be an asset to you for this, he said.

And I don’t trust that you won’t eat the child yourself and cause me more strife. Let me handle this on my own, Florent thought back sternly.

He flicked on the small radio-shaped device, its dull purr indicating to him that it was working. Even if Gulattive did respond, Florent didn't hear it.

***​

The ride over to the hospital was entirely uneventful. Though, Florent did enjoy watching the passing buildings and foliage. Kalos was a beautiful region. Once all of this blew over, he would try to enjoy it.

As the car rolled on, he shuffled through his notes again. Reading up on who he was up against.

The child was born nearly two months premature. That was an issue in itself. Aside from being grossly underdeveloped before her birth, she was diagnosed with respiratory distress syndrome, severe hypotension, and anemia. It was a wonder she managed to survive to make it into the NICU.

Vienna was also spending time in an intensive care unit. She'd suffered traumatic blood loss due to placental detachment, leading to early birth. Clearly the Birth Curse in effect, he realized with a shake of his head. One of the perks of having a pact with seven eldritch gods.

However, Vienna was stable and expected to recover fully, and even the baby showed signs of progress, even after only a few days. Of course, this would be one instance in the birth of a Lambourne--where they became tethered to one of the Blood Legendaries--when nobody died. Truly obnoxious.

It'd taken quite a long time for his spies to track her down. There were many women named "Vienna" in Kalos, though none quite as pretty. But Vienna’s father being a cop and her mother being a well-renowned coordinator helped. Much information about their genius daughter, set to go to Professor school on a full scholarship. Vienna Cinq-Mars, the brain. Vienna Cinq-Mars, the player.

He felt ridiculous, putting so much stock in an eighteen-year-old. He supposed he had a right, as he'd been under the impression that she was much older the entire time they saw each other. How was he supposed to know she'd been lying about her age? How was he supposed to deduce that she was fucking with him?

Yes, he was certain he should take her out, too. Nobody needed to know he got played by a barely legal girl. Maybe it was deserved; he was a fool.

Even so late at night, Mount Molteau hospital was still bustling. A wailing ambulance pulled up to the emergency room entrance as they drove through the campus. They passed numerous cars and buses on their way to the main building, where the maternity ward was.

The car didn't park, instead pulling off to the side near what looked to be a back entrance. The door was closed, and a keycard reader was embedded into the wall next to it. Florent slipped out of the back seat, adjusting the coat as he went.

"I will be back here in 20 minutes to meet you, your majesty," the driver said. "Good luck to you."

Florent gave a single nod as he pushed the door shut. "I won't need it," he said.

As expected, the keycard worked. He slipped in through the back entrance and briefly wandered in the direction of what he figured was the front desk. However, he soon caught sight of a sign directing him to the neonatal ward, and he followed his way from there. Simple enough. Maybe he wouldn't even need 20 minutes.

It had been a while since Florent had visited a hospital so late at night. It was rather eerie just how empty it was, as he'd have expected a maternity ward to be a tad busier. Wasn't it a prime inconvenient birthing hour? There had to be at least one poor woman nearby screaming through the spawn of her offspring.

His mind was wandering, though. It didn't matter why the place was so quiet; it was ideal. Less prying eyes around meant plenty of opportunity to smother a baby without getting caught. And because this child was being held up in the NICU, it was like the kill was being presented to him on a gold platter. Maybe he wouldn't even need to smother it. He could unplug some machine as a little "whoops" and call it a night.

The NICU was laid out as expected. Rows upon rows of incubated cribs, all affixed with varying machines to suit each infant's needs. Some were a little more equipped than others—for the more unfortunate souls, it seemed. But, every crib dawned an infantile name tag, each decorated to suit the apparent gender of whoever occupied the spot.

Florent breathed an involuntary sigh of relief because that made his job much more manageable. Here he'd thought he'd have to go around and unplug every crib. While he was never truly above murder, mass infanticide seemed a little extreme for the circumstances. He was only here for one; the other innocents needn't be bothered.

It was amazing how many babies had been delivered with a problem. He'd have assumed the NICU was the main nursery had he not known better. He looped around three whole rows before finally finding the name that had been reported to him in his notes.


Odette Harmonie Cinq-Mars


A cute name. A darling name. It was a pity that it would never truly see the light of day. The rat of a child had committed the grave sin of stealing one of his most prized possessions from him. That could only be punished by death. Even if her entrance into this world did awaken Venira from her slumber, it was still unforgivable. He could deal with the science behind it later when the damn 'mon was back in her ball on the ship.

Florent examined the crib for a beat, trying to decide which wires and tubes hooked up to it could be unplugged to ensure a quick death. He could have been able to tell she'd been born ridiculously weak even if he hadn’t gotten any reports on it. The array of monitors and IV drips beside her safe haven made that clear. Maybe he'd be doing her a favor, ending her life like this.

As he took some quiet steps around the crib, he took a peek inside, just for the hell of it, to see who he was against.

By gods, he wished he hadn't.

Small. So small. Tiny arms and legs splayed out in all directions, each wrapped in a tube or wire. A cannula, most likely the smallest one the doctors had on hand, was still too big for her little button nose, so it had to be taped in place. Her chest rose and fell steadily, indicating she was sleeping despite the discomfort she probably felt. And goodness, she had so much hair on that little head. More hair than he'd ever seen on a newborn baby.

She was perfect.

It was surreal just how fast all of his violent thoughts melted away. The longer he beheld the sight of this baby girl, his baby girl, the more intense the warmth in his chest began to feel.

"Oh, my gods…" he muttered, placing his hands against the tempered glass, longing to run his fingers along her little cheek. The tape would be in the way, though. Was it going to irritate her skin when they pulled it off? Would the doctors even place that tape on her in the first place if they knew it would cause a rash? Surely not. He'd throw a fit.

He blinked at the thought. Him? Throwing a fit at some NICU nurses and doctors because a baby got a light skin irritation from some medical tape? Was he going mad?

No, he wasn't. Just a brief lapse in judgment. He needed to get back to what he was doing. It was all too obvious, now that he was looking at her, that he'd be putting her out of her misery. She wouldn't last much longer without the machines she was hooked up to, so why even bother trying? That was no way for a baby to live, even if it was temporary.

But he couldn't take his hands off the glass. He couldn't look away.

Suddenly, his legs felt like grimer residue. Before he knew it, he'd sunk to his knees, now finding himself at eye level with her. Odette.

"Odette," he whispered.

The name felt like a top-shelf wine against his tongue. It danced off his lips as effortlessly as the fouette of a prima ballerina. It felt magical to say, even at that volume. Vienna was many things, but she at least knew how to pick out names.

This baby. This perfect baby girl. Odette Harmonie. This was his daughter. His progeny. The one presence to have been enough to drive Venira to awaken. The thing Florent been interested in accomplishing happened when Odette took her first, albeit labored, breath.

What the actual fuck was he thinking?

Everything he'd previously thought was out the window. He would take her, raise her, and make her a woman of substance, class, pedigree, and power. Being stuck in the NICU like this would be a minor setback. She would be destined for fantastic things with Venira within her. It was certain. He'd make sure of it.

Perfection deserved nothing less than the best. He was suddenly very glad he'd left Gulattive behind.

He reached for the hatch that would open the incubator but immediately stopped as he was about to pull it open.

There was a medical ward aboard the Mystic Milotic. It was suitable for an onboard clinic, enough to handle pretty hefty injuries. But, there was no nursery. Nothing to handle a baby who had been born with so many problems; so early.

No, no, he'd make it work. He'd order things in and set it up himself, and—

A light flicked on in the hall, causing him to flinch. He had the badge and coat, and he'd be fine enough to maneuver his way out if caught alone. But holding Odette? Would she even be okay long enough outside the incubator to survive the trek back to the ship? Or the time it would take to commandeer the equipment needed to sustain her? He started thinking about it more, only to realize that no specialized pediatricians were on board. Nobody to handle things if something were to go wrong.

Now he was panicking. He needed to take her with him; he couldn't stand the thought of leaving the building without his little girl.

But he just…couldn't do that to her.

He wasn't equipped to handle it. She wouldn't survive if he took her, and the thought of her dying on his watch hurt him more than the thought of leaving her behind. He'd much rather her be alive and out of reach than in his arms and dead.

He'd also need time to talk Gulattive down from the inevitable tantrum he would throw.

Tears prickled at the corners of Florent's eyes as he kneeled down again. He rested his forehead against the glass, watching her little chest rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall.

So small. So beautiful. She needed to be okay. He'd take the heartbreak to be sure of that.

"Gods, I love you so much," he murmured into the glass. He wondered if she had developed enough eardrums to hear him. Or if her brain could compute his words. If she somehow knew that she was half of him.

"Do you know that? I love you, Odette. My world is yours."

Footsteps neared the NICU, but they only sounded like a clock ticking. Soon that clock would go off, signaling the end of their meeting. Florent wished he could stop time and sit there with her forever. Even with her looking so ill, he felt like the sight of her would never get old.

Unfortunately, things didn't work for him like that.

He stood for the last time, running his hands along the glass. Pretending it was her skin. "I will be back for you, my darling. You have my word," he said.

Pulling away from her crib was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.

As the door to the NICU swung open, a nurse entered to do her rounds. Florent stuck himself into a cranny between a wall and another crib, keeping in the shadows as she walked to the opposite end of the room. He watched the woman with tears in his eyes and willed her to take extra special care of Odette. If he couldn't, someone else would need to.

With a final look toward his baby's resting place, he tiptoed toward the door and slipped back into the hallway.

***​

The ride back to the shipyard was borderline unbearable. Florent sobbed uncontrollably in the back seat, having to put up the car divider to ensure the driver couldn't hear him. Nobody needed to witness him in such a weak state, anyway.

It hurt. It hurt so badly. It topped every other pain he'd ever felt. He shouldn't have looked in the crib. He should have just pulled a plug and been done with it.

Clawing into his palm, he inhaled a shaky breath. He couldn't think like that anymore. The fact that he'd gone into that hospital with the intent to kill was terrible enough, but it was much worse that he was still thinking about it even after his lapse in judgment. Killing her wouldn't be an option anymore. Truthfully, he'd sooner die in her place.

It was wonderful to think of her growing up, enjoying the things she wanted to enjoy, and being a beautiful, successful woman. He wanted her to experience everything wonderful in life and he'd annihilate anybody who willed the opposite. Returning home without her left him feeling like he'd lost a part of his soul.

He couldn't hold her. He couldn't run his thumb over her cheek. He couldn't weave a strand of her curly black hair around his finger. He couldn't take one of her tiny hands in his and kiss it over and over again. He couldn't show her how much he loved her.

How was he going to sleep? Hell, how was he ever going to sail out of Kalos? How could he return to Galar without Odette with him?

Florent hadn't realized the car had stopped until the door was pulled open.

"Welcome back, your majesty. I hope you had a good trip," the attending grunt said as he stood by. Florent sniffled quietly as he hastily wiped the tears from his eyes.

"It was wonderful," he said, stepping out. He did his best to hide the stuffiness in his voice.

"Is everything alright?" the grunt asked. Evidently, Florent needed to try harder. He sent a pointed glance toward the grunt as he cleared his throat and adjusted the collar of his shirt.

"All is well. I expect a bottle of Moet in my room in five minutes," he said curtly. He'd certainly need a drink or five.

Silvain was at the ship's entrance, Gulattive's ball still in his hand. He must have taken notice of Florent's tear-stained face and puffy eyes, because he quickly became perplexed.

"Sir, are you okay? Was your outing a success?" he queried.

Florent willed himself to take another deep, leveling breath and plucked the specialty ball from Silvain's hand.

"I'd say so," he said, moving past him and toward his office. Silvain's footsteps followed him, but he couldn't concentrate much on that as Gulattive filled his mind almost immediately, now that the dampener was out of reach.

Well, I take it you weren't caught. How did you do it? the Gluttony Pokemon asked.

Florent didn't answer. He was silent on his walk back to the office. Gulattive was no stupid legendary because he picked up rather quickly.

Is Venira in her ball?

"No," Florent said. He threw himself into his chair, setting the ball down on the desk. He felt a headache coming on. At least it would distract him from the throbbing in his chest.

You didn't kill the child. It wasn’t a question.

Florent sighed. “I did not."

The ball rocked. It opened with a foreboding pop, and a slew of maroon smoke filled the room. It wasn't long before Gulattive took form before Florent's deadpan gaze.

When he wasn't powered up by blood, Gulattive looked no more menacing than a mid-evolution Pokemon. His voice, however, still managed to carry all the weight of a primordial eldritch terror.

He was lanky, with arms as long as his legless, floating body. A cloak appeared to cover what should have been his head, but there was none to speak of. Only a single, bloodshot red eye sat in place, blazing in anger.

"How?" Gulattive yelled. The force of his voice caused the chandelier overhead to rock and the china in the nearby cabinet to rattle.

Florent wondered how he should explain himself. He wondered if he even should. "She’s my daughter," he eventually said. "I decided I didn't want to kill my daughter."

Gulattive seethed, and he slammed his tendrils down on the desk, his single bloodshot eye hovering dangerously close to Florent's nose.

"Have you forgotten that she has become Venira's new vessel? You were supposed to get her back, and the only way to do so is–"

"I decided I didn't want to kill my daughter," Florent repeated angrily, also slamming the desk. "What don't you understand about that?"

Narrowing his eye, Gulattive hovered backward. "If you didn't want to kill her, why didn't you bring her here?"

"I couldn't. She's very ill and needs to stay where she can get the proper care."

Gulattive looked like he was contemplating how to respond.

"What makes you think an ill child could handle Wrath? Are you planning to leave her to be raised by this eighteen-year-old who–"

"Enough!" Florent screamed.

He was tired. His head hurt. His heart hurt far worse. Even so, he wouldn't let Gulattive convince him why keeping Odette alive was wrong. That wouldn't happen.

"Last time I checked, you rely on me for your sustenance, yet you're awfully vocal in my day-to-day doings. I've allowed it this far, but I will not let you tell me why I should kill my own baby. I'm not going to hear it," he spat.

Gulattive might have been frowning if he had a visible mouth. "Aren't you planning to return to Galar? What are you going to do about her being here in Kalos? Do you plan to return for her when she's in better health?"

Florent clenched his jaw and settled back in his seat. Yes, that was something he had considered. It was meant to be a quick trip. But, the thought of leaving was causing him far too much anxiety.

He abruptly turned his head toward Silvain, quietly standing by the door as always.

"Silvain," he called. "Change of plans. Alert the crew."

Silvain stiffened as he was regarded. “Your grace?"

Florent rose and peered back out over the sea.

"We'll be setting up our new home base here in Kalos. Starting today."
 
Last edited:
Chapter 1 - A Lot On Her Mind

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
White Swan.jpg


Chapter 1: A Lot On Her Mind
Strong Language, Implied History of Sexual Assault, Talk of death, talk of Pokemon death

Odette Cinq-Mars’ maroon-hued eyes were locked on her news app. She leaned against the backstage wall, tapping her clipboard lightly against it, keeping with the orchestra's tempo. She was humming along to the actors' singing while her eyes roved hungrily over the words on her phone screen.

The victim, 25-year-old Gervais Morel, was found unconscious in his car. His Pokemon, a Simisear, attempted to take a firearm from one of the first responders and was subsequently gunned down. The Simisear was later found to have lethal amounts of sacrilege in his system. The Lumiose City PD declined to--

She began to shake her head when a tap on her shoulder caused her to jump. She pressed her phone to her chest and cut her gaze over, meeting a set of slyly narrowed hazel eyes.

“Shouldn’t you be paying attention, Miss Stage Manager?” Noel whispered.

She scoffed. “Shouldn’t you be listening for your cue, Mister Mistoffelees?”

Noel returned the scoff and crossed his arms. “To think, after years of acting classes, you don’t have that faith in me? Purrloins is my favorite musical of all time, you think I don’t know it like the back of my hand?”

With a roll of her eyes, she returned to her reading. “Implying you know the back of your hand.”

There was no response from him. Instead, she felt his chin dig into her shoulder as he undoubtedly tried to sneak a peek at what she was reading.

“Oh, more Team Enigma news?” he said.

Odette impatiently scrolled through the rest of the article before clicking the phone off and shoving it into her pocket. “Just the recent OD case. Nothing new.”

He sighed, then removed his chin. “Oh, that? Lame. I’ve been waiting for a new break.”

“You and me both.”

He leaned against the bunched-up curtain, crossing his arms over his chest. “Anything else to report on? Can you at least tell me what the weather’s like today?”

As if the universe sought to answer for him, a groan of thunder rocked the building. It was quite loud, but it didn’t stop the rehearsal on the stage.

“Why don't you ask one of the castform? I'm sure they'd be down to talk to you about it between their mating.”

To that, Noel chuckled. “Why, dear castform, does your collective horniness cause us so many weather problems?"

“It's just another January, you should be used to it by now."

"Oh no, it's worse this year. The rainstorms have been nonstop, and the temperatures are changing so drastically, I don't know what wardrobe I should be fucking tapping into." He huffed loudly. "2020's got some shit in store for us, I swear."

They were silent for a moment, and Odette heard the sound of something being rolled behind her. She turned her head just in time to catch two of the stagehand machamps, dressed arms to toes in black, moving one of the light props to set on this side of the stage. She snapped twice, drawing their attention.

“Hey!” she whispered. “Stage right, not left. Other side.”

They frowned at her. “Mach,” one grumbled.

With that, they rolled it off to where it was supposed to go. Odette sighed deeply to herself. She brought her clipboard back to her face, flipping up the first page to double-check her prop placement notes. “I swear, they don’t listen.”

“You know, I found something interesting regarding this sacrilege stuff, I figured you’d be interested to know,” Noel said wryly, disregarding her annoyance.

“You waited until now to tell me this?” she asked incredulously, shooting him a side-eyed glance.

“I was going to wait until lunch, but since you’re on your phone on the job, I figured I’d humor you.”

The actor playing Macavity the purrloin began to deliver his ending scene lines. Noel mouthed along to them, mimicking the actor’s conviction mockingly. Odette joined in, though she performed with a little less gusto. It was more like she was reciting them because she knew them by heart. She knew the entire show by heart, actually.

The lights went out on the stage. Macavity’s actor disappeared through a trap door on the floor as the actors left began to shout and squeal in their performance of confusion.

“I was doing some digging last night before bed, getting some dirt on all the released OD names so far,” Noel continued their conversation. He ran his thumbs under the shoulder straps of his bodysuit as he spoke.

“As one does,” Odette snickered.

“Lissssssteeeeen,” Noel insisted, swatting at her. “I was putzing around, looking for some similarities. It’s not much, but ninety percent of the cases have been among people in the wealthier demographic.”

"What's new?" she said flatly. "The cops figured that one out ages ago."

Noel smirked. "Did I mention that the press conveniently leaves out that a decent majority of the Pokemon being affected by sacrilege are shiny?"

Odette knit her brows at him. "No way," she said.

Noel had his phone out before she'd even finished talking, growing smugger by the minute. "No, seriously," he said, swiping his finger across his screen. "Most of these case files are there for public viewing, but my in down at the LCPD managed to send me her admin password for their whole case-file system."

"Who's your in at the LCPD?" Odette asked, "and why don't I know about it?"

"I've got gals in different locales, baby, don't you worry," Noel snickered, heightening his voice for dramatic effect. "Good friend from coding class. We cheated off each other all the time."

Odette narrowed her eyes. "I'm going to pretend you didn't tell me that so this in of yours doesn't lose her job. Grandpa would have a coronary; he's well on his way there as it is."

Noel finally stopped scrolling and held his phone to his chest. "So, as I said," he started, ignoring the comment, "I was putzing around, examining some case files and whatever, and boom. She texts me the login. Asked her for it a couple days ago, said she'd get back to me, whatever," he explained. "I kind of went a little nuts in there; pulled up something on that most recent OD case, and sure enough...didn't match with the public record. Specifically denotes a shiny simisear, while the public record denotes an ordinary."

He handed his phone to her. "Scroll left."

She shot him a wary glance as she took it. She squinted at the screen, which showed a close-up photo of his computer monitor, displaying a website with a bunch of case information. She didn't bother reading all of it because her eyes immediately fell on the part that had been highlighted for her convenience.

Simisear (Standard)

She did as instructed and swiped left. Another photo of his screen displayed an interface she recognized: the LCPD's online case filing system. She'd caught sight of it multiple times, glancing at it over her grandpa's shoulder while he worked. This time, the same information was highlighted again.

Simisear (Shiny)
She blinked in surprise and cut her eyes back to Noel, who was already nodding toward her with a jokingly pensive expression. "What'd I fucking tell you? That's suspicious as hell."

He crossed his arms, pursing his lips in thought as his eyes traveled up to the ceiling. "Granted, not all of them were like that because some cases actually did just involve ordinary 'mon. But the ones that had shinies? All had discrepancies like that. And I'd say, of maybe the..." he trailed off to count his fingers, "twelve I looked through last night, nine of them were about shinies. I'd guarantee it's a majority. Can't say for sure, but I'm willing to bet."

"You got me," she said after a moment of stunned silence, returning the device to him. Her mind had become so aflutter with this new revelation she'd almost completely lost track of where they were in the song. She didn't care, though. She had to dwell on this.

"The wealthy, plus shinies..." she muttered. "Sounds like some shiny trade bullshit."

The trade--very loosely reminiscent of the stock market--was centered around the buying and selling of shiny Pokemon. Hunters searched day in and day out for the coveted shiny and would sell them to willing buyers for ridiculous amounts of money. When Odette had learned about it at face value, it didn't sound inherently awful. That is until she looked deeper into it.

Reports of mistreatment, unethical catching practices, and selling the Pokemon without their consent, among other despicable rumors, were constantly coming out. Last Odette had looked, there was overwhelming support for abolishing it. Despite that, it still stood, loud and proud.

Of course, big names in the trade always made huge efforts to debunk the rumors, but she wouldn’t trust it. Money made people greedy, and greed could make people do some terrible things. Like, say, force-feeding a synthetic drug to a Pokemon.

"I don't understand why the 'mon don't fight back if it's to the point that they're drugging them," Odette said. "Why not protest it if it's so bad? That's always been my gripe."

"Maybe that's the point of the drugs," Noel suggested. "Or they like it. Or all the rumors are fake." He shrugged. "But these pics don't lie. So I don't even know what to fucking think at this point," Noel sighed.

It’d been quite a long time since the region had experienced a synthetic drug problem as bad as "the sacrilege crisis." It started as just a couple of unfortunate accidents, with hardcore partygoers overdosing on some new fad. That substance exploded on the party and battle scene within a few years. Soon, more and more people, and even Pokemon, were overdosing, but not all of them perished. Those who lived exhibited some very strange behaviors, which is what really caught everybody’s attention.

In one police report she had read, a young woman had to be checked into hospice because she'd ingested so much sacrilege that she lost all of her memories, and her brain functions reverted to that of a newborn baby. Another case mentioned a trainer being arrested when they instructed their drugged-up coalossal to eat the opposing trainer’s vaporeon during a battle tournament.

All the users started to call the drug “sacrilege.” Soon, they were also starting to claim they were getting it from a group called Team Enigma. But, all attempts to uncover the group so far had been unsuccessful. So much so that it was hard to believe Team Enigma was even real. The whole ordeal was absolutely mind-boggling to her.

Now, seeing this new take on the issue was sending her into a faster tailspin. What was the reason for keeping that information from the public? Hell, why was the majority of affected Pokemon shiny?

She was starting to wonder if she should trust any of the reports she'd been reading at all. If they were willing to mess with that sort of observation, what other falsities could there be?

It planted a weird seed in the pit of her stomach. Why would her grandfather let that happen?

“How has Chief Cinq-Mars been lately?” Noel inquired.

Odette sighed again. “Like I said, closer to a coronary every day.”

Noel clicked his tongue and began to shake his head. “Poor guy needs a break. Maybe next time he takes one, you can ask him why they're fudging info," he said jokingly.

Of course, being the chief of police at the Lumiose City PD would expose her grandfather to all the terrible things the otherwise beautiful city had to offer. But she’d seen firsthand how much of a toll this was taking on him. Coming up on drug death after drug death would do that to anybody.

She remembered how he’d responded to a call about five fatal OD cases in a residential flat. The bodies, three trainers and two Pokemon, sat there for about a week before the smell of their collective decomposition alerted the other residents. Of course, nothing on them indicated where they might have gotten the drug from. He had been so disturbed that he didn’t talk to anybody for almost a week following the incident.

She immediately regretted allowing her brain to travel there and shook off the thought as quickly as possible. She knew damn well what it was like to bear witness to death like that. Probably even more so.

A shudder racked her small frame. Noel seemed to take notice because he placed his hand back on her shoulder.

“Ease up, you’re good.” He spoke tenderly as if he’d also known where her brain wandered.

“All good,” she assured him, her words short. “Don’t worry about me.”

It was there that the sound of scurrying paws approached behind her. Something began to tug at her leg, and she looked down to find her blue-hued sylveon shooting a droopy-eyed stare at her. A folded piece of yellow legal pad paper dangled between her teeth.

She supposed that was another reason this weird little discrepancy was starting to bother her so much. As a trainer with a shiny partner, she didn't like to bear the thought of her friend falling victim to such a drug.

Odette frowned, both at the thought and at the sight of the paper. Noel gasped and placed his hands over his lips.

Hello, Enora!” he greeted in a louder whisper.

Odette leaned down and took the note from Enora’s mouth, and the fairy-type quickly looped around her to affectionately rub herself against Noel’s leg. He leaned down to pet her, cooing softly as he did.

“Damn, Dee, I swear she likes me more than you sometimes.”

“Why do you act like this shocks you every time?” Odette responded, opening the note. “She’s liked you since she entered the ball. She just has a thing for pretty gay men.”

The 'gay' distinction is unnecessary. I just find him pleasant,” Enora purred quietly, sitting politely next to Noel’s feet.

Odette retrieved her phone from her pocket and flipped the screen back on, using it as a light to illuminate the note. She squinted through her thick-rimmed glasses to get a better look at it.

PAY ATTENTION!!!!!

If her frown could have gotten any deeper, it did. She shot her head up, her gaze zeroing in on the entrance to stage right, just across from her. She was entirely unsurprised to find Acadia, also decked out in her practice dance garb, standing in view with a stern glare plastered on her face.

Noel snatched the note, and Odette heard him laugh to himself.

“Gods, what a mum,” he said. “She’s just mad we’re more interested in Team Enigma than she is.” He tossed the note over his shoulder and proceeded to stretch his shoulders. Odette knew his cue was coming up shortly, so he needed to be ready. See, she was paying attention. Damn Acadia and her parental-grade micromanaging.

“I was thinking, Dee,” Noel said, stretching his left leg. “You and I should team up and try to uncover this bullshit together. We can give the PD a break, and it’ll be the last hurrah before you move to Alola.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’d be something, wouldn’t it?”

“I’m only half kidding. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, so I need something to hold me over,” he whined. “Two clueless entertainment workers busting the case of the decade would do it.”

“You can always fly to Alola whenever; it’s only a ten-hour flight,” Odette chided.

Only a ten-hour flight,” Noel repeated. “I can barely stomach flying to see my sister in Galar, and that’s four hours away.”

“Sounds like a personal problem.”

Noel opened his mouth to retaliate, but the song began to pick up in tempo. He held up a finger.

“Hold that thought,” he said. He then strode onto the stage and began what Odette considered the best dance solo in the show. She might have been a little biased because it was Noel. He'd always been a talented performer. Back when they used to dance competitively, he was a force to be reckoned with. She was too. Their duets were always flawless.

The memory made her frown. Her hold on her clipboard tightened.

There wasn’t a world where she ever thought she’d be doing the crew work for a show. She’d grown up wanting to be the person in the spotlight. She sunk herself into her dancing and singing lessons and even picked up acting in high school with high hopes of being the next Broadway performer. Another Diantha—no, the next Diantha; talented performer and Pokemon trainer. That was all she had wanted for as long as she could remember.

The strings section of the orchestra began to groove as Noel took off into his 30 fouettes. Odette took that moment to lean out just slightly from behind the curtain, and she eyed the auditorium chairs. She could see the show’s director, Martin Gagnon, and his assistant watching the rehearsal, probably nitpicking every little thing as he tended to do. Other than that, the thousand other chairs stood empty.

This run of Purrloins! The Musical was sold out for the opening night. Odette began to imagine how the house would look that day, filled to the brim with those eager patrons of the arts waiting to be entertained by some of the most talented performers in the region.

She started to imagine herself in, perhaps, Noel’s position. A big name part, with a big name solo. All eyes on her as she did the thing she swore she knew best.

It all sounded dreamy until she was rudely reminded why it wasn’t.

You’ll never get anywhere unless you do things like this, Odette...

She recoiled back behind the curtain, anxiety gripping her chest. It caused her heartbeat to start ringing in her ears.

Stop, stop, stop, she told herself. Shut up. Shut up.

It’d been over a year since she last stepped out on stage as a performer. She thought picking up a crew worker job would help her get back into it; make her realize she missed it. But every time she thought about it, she thought about that thing that happened. She thought about those words and where his hands and his body went.

She thought too hard about him. She hated it.

She told herself that she’d at least attempt to eat lunch today when she left her apartment that morning. But, as it seemed, whenever she stepped foot into this building--the Lumiose Center for Performing Arts--something always happened that led her to lose her appetite. It’d become almost expected at this point. Probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but that was how exposure therapy worked, right?

She just wished it somehow...worked better.

***

“Dee, really?” Acadia asked incredulously. “Again?”

Odette opened her eyes from the half-nap she was taking. It was lunch hour, and she’d decided that if she wasn’t going to eat, she could at least try to sleep through it. She was sprawled out on the stage, using her backpack as a pillow. Her fellow cast and crew, Pokemon and human alike, sat around her, talking amongst themselves about who knows what.

Her eyes immediately landed on the untouched bowl containing her nanab berry salad, sitting next to her legs. She stared at it for a long moment before looking at Acadia square in her face. She was quick to take in the peculiar way her brow furrowed and her top lip slightly pulled back to reveal her clenched teeth.

She’s on Mum Mode, she thought. But what’s new?

“What? I’m not going to force myself to eat if I’m not hungry,” Odette said, knowing her words would be futile. Once Acadia made that look, there was no turning back.

Acadia crossed her arms over her chest. “Yeah, not hungry for the fourth time this week?”

More thunder shook the building, and Odette secretly wished it would keep rolling to prevent her from having to answer.

“My stomach shrunk,” she muttered. She flung her arm over her eyes. “Lunch has never been my best meal anyway,” she added tentatively.

“You should at least try to eat,” Acadia returned without missing a beat.

“I haven’t fainted yet, so don’t be too concerned.”

“Come on, ‘Cadia, let her live her life,” Noel huffed. He was sitting next to her head, with Enora curled up in his lap. “She stopped eating because she doesn’t want to grow anymore. She’s perfectly content being a cute little midget.” He reached over and grabbed the bowl, and began to eat from it. “Which means more for me.”

“You're going to hog it all?” Enora queried, perking her head up as Noel began to chew. He stared at her questioningly before his eyes widened in realization.

“Oh right, you like these things,” he said. He picked a berry from the bed of lettuce and fed it to the sylveon, who purred in thanks. Noel started to pet her, but Odette smacked him on the shoulder. He flinched, thus causing Enora to flinch too.

“Owwwwwwwwww-uh,” he whined, rubbing the contact site.

Odette!” Enora chastised.

“He asked for it,” Odette insisted. “Five foot zero doesn’t equate to midget.”

“It does for somebody who just turned twenty-two!”

"Tell that to my fucked up hormones; maybe they'll suddenly start working."

Acadia sighed deeply. “Well, excuse me for trying to make sure my friend is healthy. You've spent enough time in the hospital with your terrible immune system; gods know we don't need to add starvation to the list.”

“Again, these all sound like issues that need to be taken up with my endocrines," Odette said flatly. She sat up and rolled her shoulders, releasing a yawn before speaking again.

"You'll be stoked to know I haven't had a hypotension episode in a very long time,” she said. “And I survived flu season again. And since we're talking about it, I only got seven hours of sleep last night, so I’m trying to get the full eight right now. I'm the picture of health, immunocompromised, fucked eyesight and growth, and all."

Acadia was frowning deeply at that point. “Okay, but I'm pretty sure that’s not how 'getting a full eight' works,” she said.

“Well, not now. You woke me up.”

Deciding that she no longer wanted to partake in that conversation, she zeroed in on the current conversation of the others sitting near her.

“Psychic types are ideal,” said one of the dancers. “They can sense the audience's feelings, and therefore know when to play up their performances.” For good measure, she stroked her hatterene partner on her chin, causing her to coo in glee. “Calliope has been in a bunch of performances with me; she’s a natural.”

“I get what you’re saying, but you can’t knock ice-types either,” one of the stagehands responded. His freshly hatched swinub friend sat snugly in his lap, fast asleep. “They’re absolutely glorious to look at onstage.”

“Okay, but electric types can literally bring a house down. Luxray has a voice to end all other singers. He’s something,” another responded. Luxray was laid out next to her, enjoying his own lunch. He seemed bashful at his trainer boasting about him, so he hid his head behind a paw.

“What are we talking about?” Odette asked after a few timed blinks.

“Opinions on the best performance Pokemon,” Acadia said. She’d been listening in.

“Depends on the performance,” Odette said simply after thinking for a beat. Her hand instinctively traveled to Enora’s head. “Solene is the best dancer I know, but I’d never put Enora in dance shoes,” she said.

It was not something I picked up on, unfortunately,” Enora sighed in reluctant agreement.

“You wouldn’t need to, people would flock to see a shiny Pokemon do anything. People love the novelty,” another dancer said jokingly, prompting some agreeing chatter.

And apparently, people like giving them drugs, too, she thought bitterly.

Yes, well...” Enora said in a low voice, ducking her head into Noel’s thigh. Odette heard the apprehensive undertone, but knew better than to question too much. Enora wasn't one to discuss such things. Instead, she scratched behind the eveelution's ear.

“Hear that? You’re a novelty,” she said, pushing the thought away.

“A cute novelty,” Noel interjected.

The conversation continued on, merely consisting of more arguing. Odette found she couldn’t hold her focus on it for much longer.

“So what were you going to say before we were so rudely interrupted by your cue?” she asked Noel. She shot a playfully sassy look at Acadia. “That we were paying attention to, by the way.”

“It looked to me like you two were just running your mouths, so I couldn’t tell,” Acadia said with a shrug. “Be lucky I didn’t send Vigoroth over instead.” She slyly patted her pocket, where the bulge of her trusty friend's ball was visible.

Odette pressed her lips together, deciding she had a point. Acadia had always been a stickler for the rules, even more so in a place of performance. She had an intense love for enforcing “theatre etiquette,” and she did so using the rather persuasive Vigoroth. Odette’s head began to ache, remembering the countless head smacks she’d endured for talking during an opposing team’s dance performance.

“Instead, you dragged my own partner into it. Conniving,” Odette said dully.

“Oh, I wasn’t going to say much,” Noel answered. “I was just going to bitch that all my friends are moving away.” He sniffled and ran his finger under his eye as if wiping away tears. “First Claude, then Basile, then my sister, now you. Why'd your mum have to put in a transfer?"

"She's been trying to move her base of operations to Alola or Sinnoh for years, and the Professor's Org finally approved her for an Alola move," she explained with a shrug. "Now, she won't be out of town as often."

Noel stuck out his lower lip, his posture going slack. "Who will I hide behind when Acadia yells at me for drinking too much wine?”

“Nobody,” Acadia groused. "You're going to learn to take it to your face."

“Besides, you have the group chat. Just complain there like you always do,” Odette suggested, raising the sleeping RotomPhone for emphasis.

“It won’t be the same, though," Noel groaned, waving a dismissive hand at Acadia.

Odette had to nod in agreement, it wouldn’t be the same. While she was somewhat looking forward to the hefty change, something about leaving behind the place she grew up was only adding to her daily anxiety load. She didn’t know what it would be like not being able to walk three floors down to Noel’s flat when she needed to get out of her head. Or being unable to meet Acadia for lunch when she was bored and needed female interaction. Or, possibly worst, being unable to ride across the city to her grandparent’s townhouse just because.

It would be a new house, a new town, and new people. Shit, even new Pokemon.

She felt like she’d come to terms with it, but it was still ringing...odd.

The move wasn’t for another three months, but the household had collectively decided to get going on packing now. Normally her entire team should have been at work with her, but they'd taken leave to start working on boxing up the place. Now she was down to having one partner accompany her a day, which she supposed wasn't the worst thing in the world if it meant packing was indeed getting done. The focus today was all the glassware because they weren't planning on using it any time before the move.

However, she wouldn't be shocked if her thoughts of productivity were all wishful. Solene and Isaur might keep everything under control without breaking anything, but asking Ange and Loïc to do something productive and careful like that together was like asking an aggron to do jumping jacks: it wasn't going to happen.

Maybe I should have asked Ange to come with me today instead, she thought.

“As sad as I am that you’re leaving,” Acadia spoke solemnly, snapping her out of her thought, “I do think that’s what you need. A change of scenery and a clean slate.”

There were implications to that sentence that made Odette feel blessed to have a friend so concerned about her mental state and disgusted that anything even needed to be hinted at in the first place.

Why couldn’t she just be okay?

“The Elite Family dance studio is in Alola! You could audition,” Noel suggested suddenly. “Alolans are known for being great singers, too, so you could also find another coach!”

“I heard they’re finally establishing a Pokemon League there in the next few years, too. That would be great to get in on as well since you’ve gone back to Pokemon training school,” Acadia added.

Enora appeared to like that idea because her long ears stiffened at the sound of ‘Pokemon League.’

That might be something worth pursuing, yes?” she asked hopefully.

Odette couldn’t help the dubious tilt that took over her lips. The idea of a clean slate was great, she didn’t deny that. But all of those suggestions made her stomach perform aerials. She thought back to how she’d imagined herself center stage on opening night, and...no. The fear began to gnaw at her again.

“Those all sound like great ideas,” she said, ensuring her voice didn’t waver. They didn’t need to know how badly her head was spinning. “I’ll look into them.”
 
Last edited:

Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
Hey Sinderella, welcome to the forum!

This story opens with a bang--a lot of cool concepts from the get-go. Pokemon powered by human blood are nicely creepy. It reminds me a bit of how in Kill la Kill the killer uniforms are activated and fueled by blood. Right now it seems like a single droplet will do, but I wonder if the pokemon will demand more over time or if they will require more blood for greater exertion--could be quite wearing on the user. I wonder if this mechanism is at all connected to methods like mega-evolution. Negrek has a cool oneshot that portrays mega evolution as exerting a physical toll on the user, and it's definitely a great concept to play around with--puts some pressure on the human using the technique.

Florent seems like a real piece of work. He . . . mindwipes his kid every day?! That's hella messed up and some A+ parenting for sure. I wonder why he does that--something to do with his kid hosting another one of the blood legendaries? His POV must be an interesting one to inhabit. I kind of wish we'd gotten the whole prologue from his POV. Since each day is new to him, it would be really natural for him to be taking in all the details of the base, since he's never seen them before. Presumably not everything resets? I mean, he still can speak and read, and seems to know who his dad is. I wonder if there's some reset point Florent brings him back to each time. Woud his developement basically be stuck at that point mentally, even as his body grows? I guess that's one way to keep your kid dependent on you. Horrifying stuff.

The way the grunts were flailing around struck me as a little cartoonish. Villains are generally scarier when they're competent, and making the grunts seem so stupid doesn't set Florent up as that intimidating when he frightens them. It's sort of like how in the Sherlock Holmes books, Watson is actually quite intelligent, because Sherlock Holmes being smarter than some bumbling idiot wouldn't make him look very smart. I didn't get much of a sense of Florent's goals yet. The standard world domination, or something more idiosyncratic? Guess we'll find out. It was interesting to me that he's named the pokemon about the seven deadly sins--midieval vibes, in tangent with the focus on blood. I wonder if he believes in the humors and gets himself leeched routinely. I did wonder why there were only five pokeballs when there are seven deadly sins. I guess the ones posessing Florent and Armel are kept separate?

In chapter one we meet Odette, presumably the girl discussed in the prologue. It's interesting he hasn't managed to track her down after 22 years--or maybe he has, and that's why her Galarian mom took her to Kalos. I wonder if the incident Odette doesn't want to talk about involves Florent or the host pokemon. She's got the wrath one, right? I was wondering if there would be some signs of it impacting her, but she didn't seem to have any unusul anger problems--just really not wanting to talk problems. She seems a little detached from things. The way she analyzed her friends was pretty cold and had the implication that she's not at all upset to be leaving them. It might have been nice to get a few hints about why she doesn't feel able to perform. She definitely seems to want that lifestyle--she's also in trainer's school, but her dialogue didn't give me the impression that she's that crazy about it. Maybe it's something she's doing to please her mom. Her shiny sylveon implies to me that her mom is either pretty wealthy or pretty well-connected, considering that shinies appear to be a status symbol in this world.

Prose wise, the POV hops around a bit. The prologue opens in omniscient third, then narrows onto Florent, then switches over to Armel without warning. I think it would read more smoothly in a single close third POV throughout--either Florent or Armel. As I said above, Armel's POV seems like it holds a lot of interesting possibilities. The first chapter is close third on Odette, but there were a few spontaneous head-hops over to Acadia and Enora. Head-hops are really jarring and break the illusion that we're seeing the world through a character's eyes, so I'd recommend rewording those spots. Also re prose, I noticed a bit of a tendency towards redundancy in some of your sentences. There are lots of little things readers don't really need to be told, that are implied from the cobntext, and including those things in a sentence can make the writing feel wordy and less impactful. I highlighted a few places that stood out in the line-by-lines. Lastly, you have some consistent dialogue punctuation inconsistencies--super easy to fix up!

I was thinking about what stories on the forum you might enjoy based on what you have here. Continental Divides by @OldschoolJohto and Drowning by @Starlight Aurate both feature an older female original protagonist who gets sucked up in Evil Team activity. Legendarian Chronicles by @Chibi Pika has mutant pokemon and all the siren-blaring boat shenanigans you could hope for. Broken Things by @Persephone has some excellent Alola worldbuilding and messy emotional dynamics.

Hope you enjoy your time here!

Dialogue is written, ["Kill them," the man said.] The word after the quotation makes isn't capitalized unless it's a proper name, or unless the sentence following the quotation marks is a complete sentence that's not a speech tag, ie, ["Kill them." The man grinned.]

Here's a list of places where I noticed capitalization where it shouldn't be.

“Y-your majesty!” One sputtered.
“Um, they’re still there, but…” Another grunt tried to answer.
“You say that, and yet...why is it that my most powerful Blood Legendary has gone missing while you were the ones on duty?” He asked sternly. Like a teacher questioning misbehaving students.
“We didn’t know what to do, your majesty!” One blurted.
“What is it you’re going to do?~” It asked tenderly.
“You should know that I am feeling peckish~” The voice said.
“No, master~” It said slyly, speaking out loud this time.
“And you couldn’t have told me that earlier?” He queried.
“How could I have another child born at this point?” He asked himself.
“Oh honey, is that why you stopped growing? Because you skip meals?” He asked.
Is it because you’re working backstage for the show?” She asked.
“Isn’t that right Enora?” He asked as he tampered with one of the Syvleon’s tendrils.
They’re sad about it, still, right? She recalled internally.
(Thoughts operate by the same rules as dialogue! Treat the last italicized word as if it's the last word in quotes!)

The emergency breach sirens wailed through the halls of the S.S. Mystic Milotic. Not a normal occurrence in any way. Things were usually quite quiet aboard the enormous ship, but today was already proving to not be a normal day.
This opening has some redundancy. First, sirens are a pretty good bet that things aren't normal without us needing to be told--that's their main function! The second and third sentences feel like variants of the same thing. I think you could pick only one of them, or even neither, and wewould have the same understanding. Often emphasizing the same point repeatedly actually makes it feel less impactful, rather than more.

Team Enigma tended to function like a well oiled machine
*well-oiled

Team Enigma tended to function like a well oiled machine, but the abnormality of the sirens was prompting some chaos. None of the grunts appeared to know what to do about it, as they frantically ran about trying to gain some information from one another. But it seemed that every grunt was just as clueless as the next. Some decided to stand by and wait for instructions from their feared leader, but nothing of the sort came.
We seem to have some kind of omniscient narrator here, who is detached from what's going on and slightly contemptuous of it.

Their feared leader was dealing with the issue himself--such a siren blaring meant the problem was indeed personal.
This strikes me as a little odd--if the siren is meant to signal a personal problem, why would it be set up to broadcast to the whole ship? Normally you don't try to inform everyone if the problem is personal.

Florent Lambourne threw open the doors to the highly secure keep, located in the bowels of the ship, with his 11 year old son Armel at his heels. Florent himself had an expression of pure worried rage etched into his hardened features. His maroon hued eyes seemed to glow with that same rage. Armel, on the other hand, appeared more stoic-faced. However, there was an obvious glint of childish fear in his own gaze. He clutched a thick journal tightly to his chest, his nails dug into it as if his life depended on keeping it on his person.
There are some connector words here that are more suited to essay writing than narrative prose: Florent himself, that same rage, on the other hand. These transition words are necessary outside of expository writing, and make the passage feel wordy.

"Worried rage" is a little hard to conceptualize. Maybe focus on the rage--we already can infer something is wrong from the sirens and his son's expression. The last line, about his life depending on it, feels a little on-thenose--if we're just told he's clutching onto it, the detail stands out more because we wonder why.

Here's an example of what I mean, [Florent Lambourne threw open the doors to the highly secure keep in the bowels of the ship, his eleven-year-old son Armel at his heels. Florent's hardened features were contorted into an expression of pure rage, so incandescent that his maroon eyes seemed to glow. His son's face was blanker but held a glint of fear. He clutched a thick journal tightly to his chest.]

The alarm sound was at their loudest in this room, proving to be even more deafening than it was just echoing in the halls.
"their" is referring to "alarm sound" which is singular, so it should be "its." I'm not sure you need this second clause--if the alarm sound is at its loudest in this room, it naturally follows that it's louder than in the hallways. "proving to be" is also a bit of a clunky construction. You could just say, "The alarm sound was at its loudest in this room, even more deafening than it had been in the halls."

It bounced off the server-like walls and metal floors.
I'm not sure what a "server-like wall" is?

There were no windows for the noise to completely escape out of, thus allowing it to swell and rattle through the high tech research equipment that had been expertly placed throughout the space.
Constructions with "thus" create a kind of stiff, wordy feel. "expertly-placed" is a weird descriptor to me. Is the placement really what's so expert about it? Maybe, "With no windows to escape, the noise swelled in the room, setting the equipment rattling."

All the fixtures on the ceiling that had previously provided a source of light now blinked with that emergency red hue.
We can reasonably deduce that the light fixtures had previously provided light. Perhaps, "The light fixtures on the ceiling now blinked with emergency red."

The four grunts on guard in the keep whirled around at the loud bang of the doors. Although their faces were entirely covered by their uniform mask, it was easy to tell that they were entirely panicked by the arrival of Florent.
For whom is it easy to tell? An omniscient narrator? Florent?

He pushed past the line of terrified grunts, and approached the center of the keep.
I didn't get a sense of space here--just how big is this keep/room?

On a raised pedestal sat a PokeBall holder. The holder was evidently designed to keep whatever was put into it locked and protected, indicated by the buttons and switches that adorned the base.
I don't think we need to be told in such detail what something called a Pokeball Holder does. Presumably it holds things. And the sirens are a pretty good bet that whatever it was holding was meant to stay held.

He pushed past the line of terrified grunts, and approached the center of the keep. On a raised pedestal sat a PokeBall holder. The holder was evidently designed to keep whatever was put into it locked and protected, indicated by the buttons and switches that adorned the base.

What struck Florent as alarming, even before he was within touching distance of it, was the thick glass covering that normally served to protect the balls inside. It was now completely shattered.
It feels odd to me that the pokedex holde ris described before the shattered glass is. Wouldn't Florent notice the shattered glass first, since that's the discord detail?

Ie, "He pushed past the line of terrified grunts, and approached the raised pedastal at the center of the keep. The Pokeball holder was still in its place but, Florent realized with rising alarm, the protective glass around it had been completely shattered."

He threw himself into a jog to get closer.
It's naturally implied that he's speeding up to get closer to the thing he's worried about, so you can just say, "He threw himself into a jog." which reads snappier.

The holder was situated with five pockets, each occupied with it’s own neatly situated Pokeball, closed and undisturbed. Or, at least, that’s how it was supposed to be.
* its own, because this is possessive
* that was how (that's indicates present tense)

The fifth and final Pokeball stood open and broken, as if the Pokemon it originally housed had blown it out from the inside.
Ooh, intrigue.

Florent’s eyes went wide, much more so when he read the label that coincided with the pocket.
I don't think "coincided" is the verb you want here. This is pretty much just locational, right? "the label beneath the pocket" would work.

“Did one of you take it?” Florent cut him off.
What part of "as if the Pokemon it originally housed had blown it out from the inside" is compelling him to ask that? This seems a little silly.

The fear wafting off of the grunts thickened the air of the room, and it caused something of a smirk to tilt Florent’s lips.
Since fear is the subject of this whole sentence, it would read more smoothly if you cut the it, ie, "The fear wafting off of the grunts thickened the air of the room and caused a smirk to tilt Florent’s lips."

It was in the middle of all of it that he gained an all-too-familiar tickle in his ear.
"Gained" doesn't really make sense here. Felt, perhaps?

Florent considered the words for a moment, before holding up a halting hand.

“Seize and rise,” he snapped.
Not sure how the hand is "halting" if he's bidding them rise? Also not sure what "seize" is meaning here.

Florent pursed his lips, then turned his head slightly to grab a look at Armel, who had kept quiet through the whole altercation. He had moved off to the side, away from the door, to stand near a table of empty beakers and test tubes. He stood stiff straight, still clutching that little book of his. That same glint of trepidation still lingered in his eyes.
This is nicely situated in Florent's POV.

It grew, and grew, and grew. It didn’t appear it would stop growing, until the glowing form had nearly hit the ceiling.
Uh oh.

It’s arms were as long as it’s body
Both of these should be "its." It's = it is. So the sentence currently reads as "It is arms were as long as it is body."

It’s arms were as long as it’s body, which held no legs.
Bodies don't really hold legs so this strikes me as off. I'm also confused ecause the earlier description described it as being humanoid, but I feel like something without legs doesn't really peg as humanoid. Maybe, "Its arms were as long as its leg-less body."

It appeared to be cloaked, with a hood up over what should have been its head. However, there looked to be no head to speak of. Only a single, bloodshot red eye shone through the casted shadow of said hood.
There's a lot of repetition here over what's a simple thing. 'Said hood' in particular is clunky. Maybe, "It appeared to be hooded and cloaked, but where a head should have been, only a single, bloodshot eye shone through the shadows."

“Feast,” Florent said simply.
Nice choice of adverb here.

A slit that hadn’t been noticeable at first tore open in the Pokemon’s stomach, revealing rows upon rows of serrated and saliva coated coated pincers.
We don't really need to be told that it wasn't noticable at first, since you're clearly describing something becoming more visible. "A slit tore open in the Pokemon’s stomach, revealing rows upon rows of serrated and saliva-coated pincers." reads mroe snappily. (Double word, and you need a hyphen between saliva and coated.)

The Pokemon omitted a threatening growl
You want "emitted" here, I believe.

All that could be heard was a set of high pitched squeals, followed by the sickening sound of their bones crunching, and the squelch of their flesh being bitten into. It took Gulattive no time at all to swallow down all of them. They didn’t even get a chance to run.
The ordering feels a bit off here. That they didn't get the chance to run is pretty self-evident once we've been told they were swallowed.

finish off it’s meal
*its

Gulattive hummed to himself with sinister glee. “You do~ But in the event your bloodline expands, one shall inhabit the offspring~ As Invidereus did with the boy~”

Florent averted his gaze over to Armel, who was frozen in his spot. Sheer terror had grabbed hold of his body, and had no plans to let go any time soon. His eyes were locked on the place where the grunts had been standing. All there was left of them now was a puddle of blood.

“F-father, you…” Armel stammered.

Florent scoffed to himself. “Wipe the look off your face, boy. That’s how things are handled around here. You’ll forget it when you wake up tomorrow, anyway.”
Oh my! Dad of the year award.

The button released, and he pressed it down, seizing the alarm and flashing red lights. All returned to normal, as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.
I wasn't sure what "seizing the alarm" means here?

“Shut up, you,” Florent snapped. “You’re Gluttony, not Lust.”
Oho, they each represent a deadly sin?

Although he’d awoken with a cleaned memory slate, he supposed, if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts, he had to be of some use. This proved difficult when he woke up every morning forgetting the previous day, but he kept his journal on him at all times for that exact reason. It served as what was left of his memory bank.
I believe we're in Armel's POV now, but it was really confusing since this just said "he." I thought we were still with Florent for a while. I'd recommend including Armel's name here.

“The G-Galarian woman,” he repeated, louder this time. There was no need, though, as Florent had strode over to him, and now stood over him.

“The one you met back in Spring. While we were in Galar,” he clarified.
I like how he's repeating info in his fright. The Galarian woman in Galar indeed.

He remembered how badly he wanted to ring her neck for it.
What a romantic

He nodded in absolution.
I don't thinkin "in absolution" is the phrase you're looking for? Who would he be absolving here?

[/QUOTE]
According to Thursday news, Kalos was set to be withstanding some relatively gnarly storms for the next few days. It was the beginning of the Castform mating season, and the increased activity of those particular Pokemon was causing quite a stir in the weather. Typical January grade snowstorms one week, sun out the next, and now, it looked like a series of torrential downpours was in the cards for the region. Also, Purrloins! The Musical was in the works at the Lumiose Center for Performing Arts, and opening day was in a few weeks.

Odette Cinq-Mars’ head snapped up from the words on her news app as a roll of thunder rocked the performing arts auditorium.
The opening paragraph feels a little detached from the character's perspective. I didn't know we were in close third here until I hit the next paragraph. The transition from the weather to the musical seemed a little unmotivated--what's connecting one thought to the next?

I think you could integrate Odette a little earlier, like:

[Thunderstorms all week. Odette Cinq-Mars scrolled through her news app, a frown on her face. Castform mating season was beginning, and that always meant rocky weather. Typical January grade snowstorms one week, sun out the next, and now a series of torrential downpours. Weather like that would keep people home from the theater. Opening day was in a few weeks; she could only hope some people would brave the gnarly weather to witness Purrloins! The Musical.]

Some nervous giggles and ‘ooo’s’ lingered about once it was sure the thunder had seized for the moment.
The wording in this sentence reads a little clunky, particularly the "it was sure." I don't really get what it means for it to be sure the thunder has seized the moment. edit: you do you mean ceased? In that case, "Some nervous giggles and ‘ooo’s’ lingered even after the thunder ceased."

“Psychic types are ideal,” said one of the dancers. “I read they can sense the feelings of the audience, and therefore know when to play up their performances.”
If she has a psychic type herself, then surely it's not as acadmic as being something she's read about? Can't she say from her own experience whether that's true or not?

Odette was only half paying attention, as she was far more engrossed in catching up with her current events.
"as she was" is a little awkward--it's fine to say, "Odette was only half paying attention." We know she's reading her app from earlier.

Her eyes immediately fell to her blue hued Sylveon,
*blue-hued

“Your opinion on the best performance Pokemon,” Acadia reiterated. “I sort of talked up your expertise, so now you have to back me up.”
“Depends on the performance,” Odette said simply. Her hand instinctively traveled to Enora’s head. “My Gothitelle, Solene, is the best dancer I know, but I’d never put Enora here in dance shoes,” she said.
Missing line break.

“You wouldn’t need to, people would flock to see a shiny Pokemon do anything,” another dancer said jokingly, prompting some agreeing chatter.
Ah, so shinies are rare/coveted in this world. I woner how Odette ended up with one.

“I’d argue magical types are the best at everything, but that’s simply me being biased from watching my mum research them for 22 years,” she said. “I can’t say much for elemental types, so I’m defaulting based on what I see in trainer school.”
Magical vs elemental huh? I'm guessing psychic/ghost/fairy/dark fall into magical and rock/water/fire/gass etc into elemental--I wonder where normal types fit in.

before looking at Acadia square in her sepia colored face.
sepia-colored is a bit of an odd descriptor for what I think is meant to be a natural skin color, since it's associated more with tattooing and older photos. The way it's mentioned is also a little off for a close third POV; I don't normally think about how I'm looking into a friend's x-toned face, I'm just looking at my friend's face.

She was quick to take in the peculiar way her eyebrows furrowed, and the way her top lip slightly pulled back to reveal her clenched teeth. It was the same expression she always made before she gave one of her motherly tongue lashings.

She’s on Mom Mode, she thought to herself. I’m fucked.
We get the same analysis twice here. I think this might be more effective if you described the physical gestures and then let Odette's internal narration tell us the meaning. (think you want in, not on.)

[She was quick to take in the peculiar way Acadia's eyebrows furrowed, and the way her top lip slightly pulled back to reveal her clenched teeth.

She's in Mom Mode, Odette thought to herself. I’m fucked.]

The scoff that fell out of Acadia was in time with another thunderclap, and it almost made Odette cringe.
Nice use of the weather here.

The jolly grin that followed indicated that he’d meant it as banter. Having not expected it, Odette narrowed her eyes into a glare while Acadia snickered out loud, despite trying quite hard to conceal it.
Lot of "it" here. Maybe, "The jolly grin that followed indicated that he’d meant it as banter. Acadia snickered, holding her hand in front of her face in a half-hearted effort to hide her amusement; Odette narrowed her eyes."

Enora also looked rather amused by it, as she began to laugh to herself as well.
If Enora laughing is the reason we know she's amused, why not just lead with that? "Enora began to laugh to herself as well."

Odette rolled her eyes. “Cushioning it with flattery doesn’t make it any less stale.”

“Want to know what is stale? Skipping your lunch,” Acadia interjected. “What gives?”
Acadia's persistent!

Much to Odette’s closed off chagrin.
* closed-off. I wonder if you want a word like "private" instead?

One of the pluses, or in this case, negatives, of working with such close friends is that they picked up on the little problematic things fast. She’d been friends with Acadia and Noel since she was five. Seventeen years later, it’d be a bad testament to their friendship if neither one of them had noticed anything. Much to Odette’s closed off chagrin.

She’d have preferred to just keep her thoughts secure inside her own head, but she knew for sure that at the very least, Acadia wouldn’t allow that.
The blessing, or maybe, curse, of having such close friends.
We get the really similar construction of [One of the pluses, or in this case, negatives] and [The blessing, or maybe, curse,] in close succession here.

When she didn’t immediately answer, Acadia’s frown deepened. She’d felt like she knew what the response was, but she hadn’t wanted to say it, and allow her friend to come out and voice herself on her own. But, talking about feelings with Odette had always been the equivalent of pulling teeth out of the mouth of a fully active Tyranitar.

It’d take some coaxing.
Hm, we've headhopped into Acadia's head here. It's a cute simile, but I don't think it's worth the jarring effect of a head-hop to get it in, and we're not learning anything we didn't get already from Odette's POV--she does not like to talk about the feelings.

Odette blinked rapidly, allowing another roll of thunder to pass by. She took that long moment to consider what was said.
"allowing" strikes me as a little odd here. The thunder's not waiting on her permission.

well aimed lightning bolt.
*well-aimed

She felt an all too familiar feeling of dread start to rise in her throat, and she suddenly wanted to walk out into the storm and sit until she got struck by a well aimed lightning bolt. That was preferable to the hole that was opening up in her chest.
* well-aimed

Oof, she really does not want to talk.

To that, Enora began to pout. It was true that the rascally thing had an impatience for things she couldn’t immediately pick up on. However, she knew that her means of training weren’t being discussed here, now were they?

For good measure, she stuck her tongue out at Odette.
This sounds like we've now headhopped to Enora.

“I told you you should have come with us to the auditions. I just can’t wrap my head around why you’re in the back, when you have exactly what it takes to headline,” Acadia said. “Superior dancer, singer, and actress. And you’re an assistant stage manager, instead of being on the dance line with me, or acting in a role with Noel. What is that?”
I mean, if they're such close friends wouldn't Acadia have some sense of why by now?

Everyone thought you were going to be the next Diantha.”

At the drop of Diantha’s name, the dread that had begun to creep up exploded throughout her person. As if the undiscovered legendary Pokemon of Irony had been watching, a loud rumble of thunder rattled throughout the room simultaneously. Yes, a natural lightning bolt to the head sounded really good at that moment.

Diantha, the unattainable idol. Everything Odette wanted to be, and everything she couldn’t be. But she wouldn’t allow her brain to trek there.
Not now, at least.
Wasn't sure how the invocation of Diantha relates to irony? Just that Diantha is everything Odette wants to be and can't?

“I mean, is the Deschamps thing still--”

Odette raised her index finger up in Acadia’s direction, quickly silencing her.

The suddenness of the movement even caused Noel to flinch, and Enora’s annoyed aura seized, leaving behind one that matched those of Noel and Acadia.

Odette’s previously emotionless expression very quickly grew deadly serious, as the topic at hand wasn’t something she could simply sweep under the rug.

“Don’t finish that sentence,” she warned. Her words were underlined by another stormy crackle.
The way these paragraphs were separated out made this scene lose a bit of impact--it feels scattered. Having Noel and Enora be the subject of their own sentences would make their reactions feel more direct, and a concrete action by Enora showing how her aura of annoyance is dropping away would show the impact more. I don't think we need to be told that the topic on hand isn't something she could sweep under the rug--her reaction is showing that much more strongly than telling us does.

Ex:

[“I mean, is the Deschamps thing still--”

Odette held up her index finger in front of Acadia’s face, cutting her off. Noel flinched at the suddeness of the movement, and Enora's ears lay back flat, her playful annoyance dropping away. Odette's expression had grown dark.

“Do not finish that sentence,” she warned. Her words were underlined by another stormy crackle.]


It was a bold faced lie
* bald-faced

Their own grief over it would cloud their targeting concern for her mental state, and steer the conversation off course enough for it to drop off.
Oh my! That's pretty cold. The language here is also kind of melodramatic and yet detached--grief, targeted.

“SYLVEE?!” Enora gasped, recoiling her head back. As much as she did enjoy Noel’s company, she’d never want to be traded away from her original trainer.
Tiny head-hop here.

“Only a ten hour flight,” Noel repeated incredulously.

“I mean, it’s only five hours to go visit Noemie in Galar, so just think two of those, and you’re there,” she explained.
Lol, so not how it works.

As Noel began to falsely pout, Odette cut her gaze back to Acadia, who had taken on her own form of a somewhat saddened expression.
“Hm, I do try to put that out of my mind myself…” she said in a huff. “It’s sad for you to be moving so far away.”
Missing line break.

Thank ARCEUS.
Hm, I thought this was set in Kalos? Interesting that she'd think in terms of Arceus. Her mom is Galarian, but that's not Arceus' region either.

“Alolan’s are notorious for being great singers too, you could also find another coach!”
Notorious feels a bit odd--notorious is usually when the thing you're known for is bad. Maybe, "Alola's famous for its singers, you could find a great vocal coach there!"

I doubt a region change will make that much of a difference…
Should be in italics since it's direct thoughts.

I noticed that you're spelling the word "ceased" (to stop/end/subside) as seized (to have taken/grabbed):

Pokemon and human alike, seized in all their Kalosian chatter
everybody immediately seized in their talking
Enora’s annoyed aura seized
once it was sure the thunder had seized for the moment.
seizing the alarm and flashing red lights.
This last usage is incorrect--ceased is intransitive, meaning it can't take an object. So an alarm can cease, but you can't cease an alarm. You de-activate, halt, turn/shut off etc an alarm though.
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Hey Sinderella, welcome to the forum!

This story opens with a bang--a lot of cool concepts from the get-go. Pokemon powered by human blood are nicely creepy. It reminds me a bit of how in Kill la Kill the killer uniforms are activated and fueled by blood. Right now it seems like a single droplet will do, but I wonder if the pokemon will demand more over time or if they will require more blood for greater exertion--could be quite wearing on the user. I wonder if this mechanism is at all connected to methods like mega-evolution. Negrek has a cool oneshot that portrays mega evolution as exerting a physical toll on the user, and it's definitely a great concept to play around with--puts some pressure on the human using the technique.

Florent seems like a real piece of work. He . . . mindwipes his kid every day?! That's hella messed up and some A+ parenting for sure. I wonder why he does that--something to do with his kid hosting another one of the blood legendaries? His POV must be an interesting one to inhabit. I kind of wish we'd gotten the whole prologue from his POV. Since each day is new to him, it would be really natural for him to be taking in all the details of the base, since he's never seen them before. Presumably not everything resets? I mean, he still can speak and read, and seems to know who his dad is. I wonder if there's some reset point Florent brings him back to each time. Woud his developement basically be stuck at that point mentally, even as his body grows? I guess that's one way to keep your kid dependent on you. Horrifying stuff.

The way the grunts were flailing around struck me as a little cartoonish. Villains are generally scarier when they're competent, and making the grunts seem so stupid doesn't set Florent up as that intimidating when he frightens them. It's sort of like how in the Sherlock Holmes books, Watson is actually quite intelligent, because Sherlock Holmes being smarter than some bumbling idiot wouldn't make him look very smart. I didn't get much of a sense of Florent's goals yet. The standard world domination, or something more idiosyncratic? Guess we'll find out. It was interesting to me that he's named the pokemon about the seven deadly sins--midieval vibes, in tangent with the focus on blood. I wonder if he believes in the humors and gets himself leeched routinely. I did wonder why there were only five pokeballs when there are seven deadly sins. I guess the ones posessing Florent and Armel are kept separate?

In chapter one we meet Odette, presumably the girl discussed in the prologue. It's interesting he hasn't managed to track her down after 22 years--or maybe he has, and that's why her Galarian mom took her to Kalos. I wonder if the incident Odette doesn't want to talk about involves Florent or the host pokemon. She's got the wrath one, right? I was wondering if there would be some signs of it impacting her, but she didn't seem to have any unusul anger problems--just really not wanting to talk problems. She seems a little detached from things. The way she analyzed her friends was pretty cold and had the implication that she's not at all upset to be leaving them. It might have been nice to get a few hints about why she doesn't feel able to perform. She definitely seems to want that lifestyle--she's also in trainer's school, but her dialogue didn't give me the impression that she's that crazy about it. Maybe it's something she's doing to please her mom. Her shiny sylveon implies to me that her mom is either pretty wealthy or pretty well-connected, considering that shinies appear to be a status symbol in this world.

Prose wise, the POV hops around a bit. The prologue opens in omniscient third, then narrows onto Florent, then switches over to Armel without warning. I think it would read more smoothly in a single close third POV throughout--either Florent or Armel. As I said above, Armel's POV seems like it holds a lot of interesting possibilities. The first chapter is close third on Odette, but there were a few spontaneous head-hops over to Acadia and Enora. Head-hops are really jarring and break the illusion that we're seeing the world through a character's eyes, so I'd recommend rewording those spots. Also re prose, I noticed a bit of a tendency towards redundancy in some of your sentences. There are lots of little things readers don't really need to be told, that are implied from the cobntext, and including those things in a sentence can make the writing feel wordy and less impactful. I highlighted a few places that stood out in the line-by-lines. Lastly, you have some consistent dialogue punctuation inconsistencies--super easy to fix up!

I was thinking about what stories on the forum you might enjoy based on what you have here. Continental Divides by @OldschoolJohto and Drowning by @Starlight Aurate both feature an older female original protagonist who gets sucked up in Evil Team activity. Legendarian Chronicles by @Chibi Pika has mutant pokemon and all the siren-blaring boat shenanigans you could hope for. Broken Things by @Persephone has some excellent Alola worldbuilding and messy emotional dynamics.

Hope you enjoy your time here!

Dialogue is written, ["Kill them," the man said.] The word after the quotation makes isn't capitalized unless it's a proper name, or unless the sentence following the quotation marks is a complete sentence that's not a speech tag, ie, ["Kill them." The man grinned.]

Here's a list of places where I noticed capitalization where it shouldn't be.














(Thoughts operate by the same rules as dialogue! Treat the last italicized word as if it's the last word in quotes!)

This opening has some redundancy. First, sirens are a pretty good bet that things aren't normal without us needing to be told--that's their main function! The second and third sentences feel like variants of the same thing. I think you could pick only one of them, or even neither, and wewould have the same understanding. Often emphasizing the same point repeatedly actually makes it feel less impactful, rather than more.


*well-oiled


We seem to have some kind of omniscient narrator here, who is detached from what's going on and slightly contemptuous of it.


This strikes me as a little odd--if the siren is meant to signal a personal problem, why would it be set up to broadcast to the whole ship? Normally you don't try to inform everyone if the problem is personal.


There are some connector words here that are more suited to essay writing than narrative prose: Florent himself, that same rage, on the other hand. These transition words are necessary outside of expository writing, and make the passage feel wordy.

"Worried rage" is a little hard to conceptualize. Maybe focus on the rage--we already can infer something is wrong from the sirens and his son's expression. The last line, about his life depending on it, feels a little on-thenose--if we're just told he's clutching onto it, the detail stands out more because we wonder why.

Here's an example of what I mean, [Florent Lambourne threw open the doors to the highly secure keep in the bowels of the ship, his eleven-year-old son Armel at his heels. Florent's hardened features were contorted into an expression of pure rage, so incandescent that his maroon eyes seemed to glow. His son's face was blanker but held a glint of fear. He clutched a thick journal tightly to his chest.]


"their" is referring to "alarm sound" which is singular, so it should be "its." I'm not sure you need this second clause--if the alarm sound is at its loudest in this room, it naturally follows that it's louder than in the hallways. "proving to be" is also a bit of a clunky construction. You could just say, "The alarm sound was at its loudest in this room, even more deafening than it had been in the halls."


I'm not sure what a "server-like wall" is?


Constructions with "thus" create a kind of stiff, wordy feel. "expertly-placed" is a weird descriptor to me. Is the placement really what's so expert about it? Maybe, "With no windows to escape, the noise swelled in the room, setting the equipment rattling."


We can reasonably deduce that the light fixtures had previously provided light. Perhaps, "The light fixtures on the ceiling now blinked with emergency red."


For whom is it easy to tell? An omniscient narrator? Florent?


I didn't get a sense of space here--just how big is this keep/room?


I don't think we need to be told in such detail what something called a Pokeball Holder does. Presumably it holds things. And the sirens are a pretty good bet that whatever it was holding was meant to stay held.


It feels odd to me that the pokedex holde ris described before the shattered glass is. Wouldn't Florent notice the shattered glass first, since that's the discord detail?

Ie, "He pushed past the line of terrified grunts, and approached the raised pedastal at the center of the keep. The Pokeball holder was still in its place but, Florent realized with rising alarm, the protective glass around it had been completely shattered."


It's naturally implied that he's speeding up to get closer to the thing he's worried about, so you can just say, "He threw himself into a jog." which reads snappier.


* its own, because this is possessive
* that was how (that's indicates present tense)


Ooh, intrigue.


I don't think "coincided" is the verb you want here. This is pretty much just locational, right? "the label beneath the pocket" would work.


What part of "as if the Pokemon it originally housed had blown it out from the inside" is compelling him to ask that? This seems a little silly.


Since fear is the subject of this whole sentence, it would read more smoothly if you cut the it, ie, "The fear wafting off of the grunts thickened the air of the room and caused a smirk to tilt Florent’s lips."


"Gained" doesn't really make sense here. Felt, perhaps?


Not sure how the hand is "halting" if he's bidding them rise? Also not sure what "seize" is meaning here.


This is nicely situated in Florent's POV.


Uh oh.


Both of these should be "its." It's = it is. So the sentence currently reads as "It is arms were as long as it is body."


Bodies don't really hold legs so this strikes me as off. I'm also confused ecause the earlier description described it as being humanoid, but I feel like something without legs doesn't really peg as humanoid. Maybe, "Its arms were as long as its leg-less body."


There's a lot of repetition here over what's a simple thing. 'Said hood' in particular is clunky. Maybe, "It appeared to be hooded and cloaked, but where a head should have been, only a single, bloodshot eye shone through the shadows."


Nice choice of adverb here.


We don't really need to be told that it wasn't noticable at first, since you're clearly describing something becoming more visible. "A slit tore open in the Pokemon’s stomach, revealing rows upon rows of serrated and saliva-coated pincers." reads mroe snappily. (Double word, and you need a hyphen between saliva and coated.)


You want "emitted" here, I believe.


The ordering feels a bit off here. That they didn't get the chance to run is pretty self-evident once we've been told they were swallowed.


*its


Oh my! Dad of the year award.


I wasn't sure what "seizing the alarm" means here?


Oho, they each represent a deadly sin?


I believe we're in Armel's POV now, but it was really confusing since this just said "he." I thought we were still with Florent for a while. I'd recommend including Armel's name here.


I like how he's repeating info in his fright. The Galarian woman in Galar indeed.


What a romantic


I don't thinkin "in absolution" is the phrase you're looking for? Who would he be absolving here?

The opening paragraph feels a little detached from the character's perspective. I didn't know we were in close third here until I hit the next paragraph. The transition from the weather to the musical seemed a little unmotivated--what's connecting one thought to the next?

I think you could integrate Odette a little earlier, like:

[Thunderstorms all week. Odette Cinq-Mars scrolled through her news app, a frown on her face. Castform mating season was beginning, and that always meant rocky weather. Typical January grade snowstorms one week, sun out the next, and now a series of torrential downpours. Weather like that would keep people home from the theater. Opening day was in a few weeks; she could only hope some people would brave the gnarly weather to witness Purrloins! The Musical.]


The wording in this sentence reads a little clunky, particularly the "it was sure." I don't really get what it means for it to be sure the thunder has seized the moment. edit: you do you mean ceased? In that case, "Some nervous giggles and ‘ooo’s’ lingered even after the thunder ceased."


If she has a psychic type herself, then surely it's not as acadmic as being something she's read about? Can't she say from her own experience whether that's true or not?


"as she was" is a little awkward--it's fine to say, "Odette was only half paying attention." We know she's reading her app from earlier.


*blue-hued


Missing line break.


Ah, so shinies are rare/coveted in this world. I woner how Odette ended up with one.


Magical vs elemental huh? I'm guessing psychic/ghost/fairy/dark fall into magical and rock/water/fire/gass etc into elemental--I wonder where normal types fit in.


sepia-colored is a bit of an odd descriptor for what I think is meant to be a natural skin color, since it's associated more with tattooing and older photos. The way it's mentioned is also a little off for a close third POV; I don't normally think about how I'm looking into a friend's x-toned face, I'm just looking at my friend's face.


We get the same analysis twice here. I think this might be more effective if you described the physical gestures and then let Odette's internal narration tell us the meaning. (think you want in, not on.)

[She was quick to take in the peculiar way Acadia's eyebrows furrowed, and the way her top lip slightly pulled back to reveal her clenched teeth.

She's in Mom Mode, Odette thought to herself. I’m fucked.]


Nice use of the weather here.


Lot of "it" here. Maybe, "The jolly grin that followed indicated that he’d meant it as banter. Acadia snickered, holding her hand in front of her face in a half-hearted effort to hide her amusement; Odette narrowed her eyes."


If Enora laughing is the reason we know she's amused, why not just lead with that? "Enora began to laugh to herself as well."


Acadia's persistent!


* closed-off. I wonder if you want a word like "private" instead?


We get the really similar construction of [One of the pluses, or in this case, negatives] and [The blessing, or maybe, curse,] in close succession here.


Hm, we've headhopped into Acadia's head here. It's a cute simile, but I don't think it's worth the jarring effect of a head-hop to get it in, and we're not learning anything we didn't get already from Odette's POV--she does not like to talk about the feelings.


"allowing" strikes me as a little odd here. The thunder's not waiting on her permission.


*well-aimed


* well-aimed

Oof, she really does not want to talk.


This sounds like we've now headhopped to Enora.


I mean, if they're such close friends wouldn't Acadia have some sense of why by now?


Wasn't sure how the invocation of Diantha relates to irony? Just that Diantha is everything Odette wants to be and can't?


The way these paragraphs were separated out made this scene lose a bit of impact--it feels scattered. Having Noel and Enora be the subject of their own sentences would make their reactions feel more direct, and a concrete action by Enora showing how her aura of annoyance is dropping away would show the impact more. I don't think we need to be told that the topic on hand isn't something she could sweep under the rug--her reaction is showing that much more strongly than telling us does.

Ex:

[“I mean, is the Deschamps thing still--”

Odette held up her index finger in front of Acadia’s face, cutting her off. Noel flinched at the suddeness of the movement, and Enora's ears lay back flat, her playful annoyance dropping away. Odette's expression had grown dark.

“Do not finish that sentence,” she warned. Her words were underlined by another stormy crackle.]



* bald-faced


Oh my! That's pretty cold. The language here is also kind of melodramatic and yet detached--grief, targeted.


Tiny head-hop here.


Lol, so not how it works.


Missing line break.


Hm, I thought this was set in Kalos? Interesting that she'd think in terms of Arceus. Her mom is Galarian, but that's not Arceus' region either.


Notorious feels a bit odd--notorious is usually when the thing you're known for is bad. Maybe, "Alola's famous for its singers, you could find a great vocal coach there!"


Should be in italics since it's direct thoughts.

I noticed that you're spelling the word "ceased" (to stop/end/subside) as seized (to have taken/grabbed):






This last usage is incorrect--ceased is intransitive, meaning it can't take an object. So an alarm can cease, but you can't cease an alarm. You de-activate, halt, turn/shut off etc an alarm though.
[/QUOTE]

Hey Pen! Thanks for your review! I made some much needed edits on some things based on your pointers and I already feel much happier with it! (I'm so traumatized I was interchanging "seize" with "cease" like I can't believe the audacity of my brain) :ROFLMAO:

So just to answer some of the questions or thoughts you posed...

Right now it seems like a single droplet will do, but I wonder if the pokemon will demand more over time or if they will require more blood for greater exertion--could be quite wearing on the user.
You're definitely on the right path here! I can't wait to be able to share that bit of lore with you!

Florent seems like a real piece of work. He . . . mindwipes his kid every day?! That's hella messed up and some A+ parenting for sure. I wonder why he does that--something to do with his kid hosting another one of the blood legendaries?
I will say, Florent is NOT the one mind-wiping him. Armel's mind-wipe happens automatically, and it has everything to do with the particular Blood Legendary he's possessed by, but I won't get into that yet. When Florent said "You'll forget everything tomorrow," he was commenting out of knowledge for the fact that Armel wakes up with a wiped brain every day, not because he's specifically the one doing it. It will be a long time before we see Armel again, so I want to clear this up for the time being!

Presumably not everything resets? I mean, he still can speak and read, and seems to know who his dad is. I wonder if there's some reset point Florent brings him back to each time. Woud his developement basically be stuck at that point mentally, even as his body grows? I guess that's one way to keep your kid dependent on you. Horrifying stuff.
No, not everything resets. What I will say is he's in a constant state of amnesia. Yes, Florent absolutely uses it against him. It's really a bad time.

The way the grunts were flailing around struck me as a little cartoonish. Villains are generally scarier when they're competent, and making the grunts seem so stupid doesn't set Florent up as that intimidating when he frightens them
My goal here was to show that they've been scared of him long before the story begins. It was meant to portray that Florent steps into a room, and everybody's blood pressure automatically shoots up because he MIGHT have you eaten which is exactly what happened lmao

I didn't get much of a sense of Florent's goals yet. The standard world domination, or something more idiosyncratic? Guess we'll find out. It was interesting to me that he's named the pokemon about the seven deadly sins--midieval vibes, in tangent with the focus on blood. I wonder if he believes in the humors and gets himself leeched routinely. I did wonder why there were only five pokeballs when there are seven deadly sins. I guess the ones posessing Florent and Armel are kept separate?
Florent's goals will come out in due time, I swear! It was meant to be a little vague right now. Standard world domination in the works, yes, stay tuned dear reader. I won't say much else about that! :wink:
As for the five Pokeballs, yes, the ones possessing Florent and Armel are kept on them at all times. The ones that currently do not have a host are kept in the holder.

It's interesting he hasn't managed to track her down after 22 years--or maybe he has, and that's why her Galarian mom took her to Kalos.
👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

She's got the wrath one, right? I was wondering if there would be some signs of it impacting her, but she didn't seem to have any unusul anger problems--just really not wanting to talk problems. She seems a little detached from things. The way she analyzed her friends was pretty cold and had the implication that she's not at all upset to be leaving them.
Oh, you're going to dig chapter 2! Rest assured, wrath has taken it's toll, and rest doubly assured, she has no idea what the problem really is.
I wouldn't say she's upset to be leaving them, it's more along the lines of she's willing to act cold and use her observations against them to weasel out of talking about her emotions. Which, I guess is pretty cold in it of itself.

It might have been nice to get a few hints about why she doesn't feel able to perform. She definitely seems to want that lifestyle--she's also in trainer's school, but her dialogue didn't give me the impression that she's that crazy about it. Maybe it's something she's doing to please her mom. Her shiny sylveon implies to me that her mom is either pretty wealthy or pretty well-connected, considering that shinies appear to be a status symbol in this world.
I intentionally omitted some hints around this. She wants to perform, she wants to be a trainer, but she's kind of at a mental roadblock for one particular reason, and that will come out with time!😈
Also, she caught Enora by complete dumb luck. While I have intended shinies to be extremely rare and a source of "oo's" and "ah's" from onlookers, all you need to know is she literally found Enora in a dumpster. 😂 More on that later, though.
 

Nubushi

しぶい
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. slowpoke-hgss
  2. togekiss-nubushi
Hello, I saw your introduction in the intro thread (looks like we joined the site at around the same time--welcome!) and thought your story concept sounded intriguing, so here I am for a review of your prologue!

I am unfamiliar with the Pokemon Genesis world (looked that up from "Team Enigma"), but based on what I've read in the prologue, it seems that Team Enigma has a lot in common with Team Plasma (B2W2 in particular): the ship setting, the leader who is just plain evil and also an abusive father, Florent's red eyes.

For your opening, you have a very strong opening sentence, establishing a sense of crisis right away, and also having a lot of nouns and a good active verb to give it strength.

The next paragraph, though, there are a few spots where you get bogged down in some more abstract statements like these:

but the abnormality of the sirens was prompting some chaos. None of the grunts appeared to know what to do about it

If you shift the balance into some specific, concrete imagery (with some more nice active verbs like in your opening sentence), then you could continue that strong sense of action and vigor into this paragraph as well.

...appeared to make his maroon colored eyes glow

Also, this comment applies in general, not just to this passage, but you have some words here and there that you could cut out entirely without losing any meaning--in this sentence, there's no need for the word "colored," since just "maroon eyes" would get that across without any problem.

The fact that one of the pokeballs is broken (blown open) is intriguing, as that touches upon some little bits and pieces of information from canon that are rarely drawn upon (for example, in the manga, it's said that some pokemon, like Mewtwo, are intelligent enough to be able to enter and leave their pokeballs at will).

Florent's calm anger which is scarier than loud, explosive anger is a common trope, but nevertheless establishes his personality right away. (And also, he's crazy!)

The concept of pokemon based on the seven deadly sins is also mildly interesting--and also reminiscent of FMA, which I suppose is probably a connection inevitable for anyone familiar with the FMA manga/anime. Your description of Gluttony has some very anime-like vibes, too, reminiscent of some of the occult creatures/forms in the Hellsing anime/manga.

I have mixed feelings about the bold and italics font and usage of tildes for Gulattive's dialogue. From the tildes I can sort of get a sense that Gulattive is speaking in more of a soft, satiny way, maybe sort of affected, maybe if it were a human we could say simpering, that sort of personality. Like with character gobi, (verbal tics that characters have at the ends of sentences) however, some people can find it annoying, but it probably depends on the reader.

For me personally, I'm not terribly bothered by the tildes, but when I see the boldface and italics, I am wondering what those are supposed to convey and whether there isn't an alternate way to do it. It seems like the boldface is for when Gulattive is speaking directly into Florent's mind, and the italics are when he is speaking out loud. However, if that is the only thing indicated by the bold/italic fonts, I do think you were sufficiently able to convey that using your sentences, at least as far as the prologue is concerned. Whether in the story as a whole it would get tedious to say every time whether he is speaking mentally or out loud, I can't say. But if you do feel committed to using them, italics is often used in genre fiction for thoughts and has a "quieter" feeling, whereas bold tends to get used for shouting/loud voices (though, this is gimmicky and I wouldn't encourage it)--so maybe they would make a little bit more intuitive sense to readers if you swapped them (bold, or just normal font, for speaking out loud, italics for speaking mentally)?

Now, Armel's amnesia, and his keeping a log of what happens in his journal, is really intriguing. Just recently I was reading about a man ("EP" I think it was) who due to brain damage from a disease lost the ability to form any new memories--but he did have memories up to a certain point in his life, just not after that. In his case, since he was unable to form new memories, he not be able to recall things (e.g. meeting a new person) even a few minutes later, or would not be able to recall whether he already ate breakfast or not, things like that. However, due to having memories up to a certain point, he could recall who he was, who his wife was, and so on. I mention this because I am really curious about the mechanics of Armel's memory loss. You've said he loses his memories of any given day by the next morning, so I assume that unlike "EP," he would not forget anything you tell him, or anything he sees or experiences, immediately. But I am very curious about whether he has any memories at all. Does he wake up every morning not knowing who he is, who his father is, or who Team Enigma is? He seems to have a persistent memory of what his journal is, and a persistent sense that it is important. Does he have any kind of ritual of reading any certain parts of it every day? Lots of interesting concepts to explore here, so I am looking forward to learning more about him.

I also liked his private notes to himself in his journal, like "Don't mention her to him tomorrow."

So, when I first read this prologue, I was wondering about the seventh pokemon (Seven Deadly Sins, but only six pokeballs), but then later I recalled that Armel has one of them. Judging by the name, greed/avarice, huh. It will be interesting to see how he interacts with it.

As a final comment, based on the description of your story in the summary, I'm guessing Florent did not succeed in murdering his daughter, and that she is the main character mentioned in the summary, so I suppose there's going to be a time skip at the beginning of chapter 1 . . . (peeks ahead) . . . yep, looks that way!

Can't make any promises about how far or how often I will read, but you've got some intriguing concepts here!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Alrighty, I decided to review the prologue cause this story caught my attention!

First up, very intriguing prologue. I thought you did a very good job setting the stage for a lot of really interesting elements. Team Enigma, their big bad leader, and his one and only heir, Armel. You've also introduced and hinted at these 'seven sins' based pokemon, which sound extremely creepy. You blend a lot of horror and dark elements, which is interesting, even if it is counter from my usual reads.

I thought the opening as a whole was pretty decent, plot-beat wise. There wasn't any extraneous parts. It feels like the information contained was relevant enough to warrant a prologue.

There are a couple smaller things I'll comment on in some line by line stuff.

The emergency breach sirens wailed through the halls of the S.S. Mystic Milotic. Not a normal occurrence in any way. Things were usually quite quiet aboard the enormous ship, but today was already proving to not be a normal day.
Team Enigma tended to function like a well oiled machine, but the abnormality of the sirens was prompting some chaos.
So you're trying to paint a picture that something out of the ordinary is happening on the ship. The sirens going off his definitely unusual for them. However, I think this particular repetition of mentioning how its 'not normal' comes off as a tad tedious to me, and pedantic.

Personally, I feel that you might try something more like:
"The emergency breach sirens wailed through the halls of the S.S. Mystic Milotic. A sound so unusual it caused everybody on board to freeze in confusion for several seconds. Chaos broke out as grunts scrambled around, trying to discern the source of the alarm. They talked over each other, fear clouding their voices as they tried to understand what was going on."

Basically, try to blend your statement about it not being normal into visual actions that might show us how the grunt react to this abnormal situation, which you did do in the next line. If you can find a way to fuse them, I think your opening could become stronger.

with his 11 year old son Armel at his heels.
OOO scary. The fact that this guy brings his 11 year old child into all this craziness does a good job of showing us with a mundane detail what a bad bad guy this is.

Judging the speed by which Venira left, I am to assume a child of your blood has just been born
Creepy. I thought this was a good way to weave the plot together without expositing information. We can extrapolate Venira must be of the same brood as the other six, and apparently has to merge with a host. And that Florent is a player.

Although he had awoken with a cleaned memory slate, he supposed, if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts, he had to be of some use.
I was a bit thrown off by this detail. Apparently, his memory is wiped every morning, but he has a journal which he records things in. Does he know he's Florents heir? Why would he be worried about dying if Florent has kept him around for months, which Armel must be aware of?

Of course, it's entirely possible this is just because he's still a scared kid. Possibly Florent is willing to kill Armel anyway?

The bead of red that formed on his thumb began to glow, and a stream of light shot out from it and joined the beams emanating from the Pokeball.
Now tangible, the appearance of this particular Pokemon proved to be horrific.
So the first appearance of one of your 'sin' pokemon. Very scary! And blood summoning apparently? Extra creepy. That said, I feel like you undercut the creepiness of what is happening by saying that the Pokemon appeared horrific. I think you can spring straight into the explanation.

It was a towering, lanky form. Its arms were as long as its seemingly legless body. It simply floated, like a ghost. It appeared to be cloaked, with a hood up over what should have been its head. However, there looked to be no head to speak of. Only a single, bloodshot red eye sat in place. Once formed, it loomed ominously over the four quivering grunts.
A notes about the explanation. I try to avoid starting with the same word more than once in a row, as it can make a description sound like a laundry list, instead of building into a mental image. You don't have to do it just like this, but here's an idea:

'Lanky arms dangled from its towering, legless body. It floated like a ghost, a tattered hood draped over where its head should have been. Yet instead of a head, a single bloodshot eye peered from within. The grunts quivered as the horrific beats loomed over them.'

He felt that perhaps, this would be a good learning experience for his one and only heir.
Florent is a horrifying man indeed.

That caps my thoughts! I thought it was a good opening that presumably sets the tone for the kind of fic I'm guessing you're writing, if something as scary as the seven deadly sins are involved. Good work!
 

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
Here for Review Blitz! I read the prologue for now.

I'm not much for darkfic but this was a nice opener. Man this one just hits you right square in the jaw with the action huh? And gets right to work establishing what I presume is our villain - he's cartoonishly evil but like, in a good way, Like he's got gusto in a way I can admire and I have a dumb soft spot for villains that think eating your minions or feeding them to your pets is an acceptable form of discipline.

(I also just like the name Team Enigma. It feels. Authentic. Like an actual Pokemon game would have that as a villain team name.)

You also immediately smack us in the face with the fakemon focus which is cool. I don't think we've seen or had mentioned a canon Pokemon yet, just the Galar region, and it's a bold move and I kind of like it. The concept of the one that showed up was neat and unconventional, and there's a lot of good intrigue about the Legendary that broke free.

My one concern is that the villain met and impregnated a girl at a young age, and that is setting off alarm bells for possibl3e weird and creepy age diffrences that makes Mr. Bad Guy unsettling in a way I'm not sure you're intending. There wasn't much detail given so I am ASSUMING they were both like teenagers but. Be careful.

But other than that again this is a very intriguing opener! Can't wait to see how the protags play into this.
 

Flaze

Don't stop, keep walking
Location
Chile
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. infernape
Okay, I see what you're doing here. It's kind of like a more mature take on a new pokemon story, you've got the evil team, a plucky protagonist, the name of the story sounds like it's describing two different version. And at this point I'm just making stuff up as I go along so correct me if I'm wrong.

Anyways, as starts to stories go the prologue and chapter 1 leave an interesting presentation, it's almost a little jarring considering the prologue tries to paint a picture of a darker story or something more mysterious, while chapter 1 gives us a more laidback look and introduction to Odette and tries to give us a general rundown of where she is at her life. But let's take it one step at a time.

I'll echo what Pen mentioned a bit by saying that it is hard for us to properly understand how intimidating Team Enigma is. You do a good job of painting Florent as a mysterious and threatening fellow, but the fact that we don't know anything about Team Enigma and that the grunts are, seemingly, kind of incompetent also causes the power he could hold to diminish. The fact that he's personality is kind of hammy leaning towards a more generic big bad doesn't help. Don't get me wrong, villains don't have to all be complicated or mysterious and a good villain that really leans into their villainy can be fun, but you have to strike a balance. Right now I'm more scared about what Gullative and Vienna are and what they represent rather than Team Enigma.

I think a way you could solve this is maybe highlight the destruction of the base more in the prologue, show that there was a struggle, maybe when Florent arrives there's already a few guards and pokemon dead on the floor. That doesn't make the grunts seem intimidating per se but at least it shows they tried to contain it, and if you throw some powerful looking pokemon there it'll help highlight Vienna's power more as well.

That's assuming that Vienna could've even been stopped, the way it's written right now makes it seem as if she just kind of...vanished without too much trouble, so maybe they wouldn't even have had a chance to fight her in the first place.

That aside, I thought you introduce some very interesting concepts even if we don't get an explanation for anything quite yet. I'm particularly curious about Gullative and Vienna as well as the other pokemon they were with. Based on what Florent says it seems like they're kind of like "demons" in that they make a contract with a person? Plus there's also mention of cardinal sins. It's an intriguing concept and I'll be curious to see how you deal with it because it's one of those things that could end up coming off more as edgy than interesting depending on how it's executed.

Chapter 1 I think gives us a pretty good introduction to who Odette is. I haven't read a fic where the main character is someone focused on the arts and I honestly hope that you delve deeper into Odette's past in that regard or at least build up more in that aspect. I'm interested in seeing what happened to make her quit and learn more about her issues. Giving her an eating disorder is also an interesting choice that could make for a great way of tackling mental health and trauma, but do make sure to tread on it lightly.

My one complain with chapter 1 would probably be that it kind of drags a little. We get introduced to the theater troupe and Odette's friend and we get a good look at their dynamic quickly enough, but after Odette's eating situation is brought up it kind of feels like the chapter goes in circles around it. It does accomplish the purpose of letting us know more details about her such as her past as a trainer or her move to Alola, but I think you could still convey those in another way. Don't get me wrong, I like the dynamic Odette has with Acadia and Noel and you sell their relationship and how Odette feels about them very well, it just kind of feels like the scene goes on a little too long considering they're just sitting around talking.

You could also fix this by delving a little deeper into Odette's mindset and using the prose to give us more details on how she feels about the move. Maybe she could reminisce about Noel and Acadia's own skills and why she maybe feels like they're better than her, or just in general trying to give more detail on her thoughts.

For now, I'll go into some highlights that jumped at me.

Florent Lambourne threw open the doors to the highly secure keep, located in the bowels of the ship, with his 11 year old son Armel at his heels.

I was really curious of the fact that Florent has an heir, that's not exactly new since Ghetsis and N had a similar dynamic, but it'll still be interesting to see what Armel is like in the present and what his role in Team Enigma ends up being.

Florent hardened features were twisted into a look of pure rage,

That should say Florent's at the start since you're using possessive.

The silence that filled the room proved to be more deafening than the alarm that still sounded over them. The fear wafting off of the grunts thickened the air of the room and caused a smirk to tilt Florent’s lips.

It's...really interesting imagery, I honestly really like it as a way of visualizing what the grunts are feeling.

A slit tore open in the Pokemon’s stomach, revealing rows upon rows of serrated and saliva-coated coated pincers. A pointed tongue, one that looked to be far too long to fit in its body, licked the pincers before curling outward into the open. The Pokemon emitted a threatening growl, before lunging at the grunts. All that could be heard was a set of high pitched squeals, followed by the sickening sound of their bones crunching, and the squelch of their flesh being bitten into. It took Gulattive no time at all to swallow down all of them.

Taking in Gulattive's description earlier and this description here, I thought he was a very creepy and scary dusknoir. However, it seems that he's a legendary (?) If so is he an original legendary then?

“Shut up, you,” Florent snapped. “You’re Gluttony, not Lust.

Also with the whole theme of cardinal sins and the description above I can't help but think of Full Metal Alchemist.

He turned page upon page, his eyes scanning them for any trigger words that might prove worth mentioning. In the several seconds he was turning, he found himself slightly tripped up by the recounts of preceding days, as he always was when he reread everything. Instances that he had no recollection of, rewritten clear as day in his own handwriting, and dated for his own convenience. He blew backwards through November, October, September, August...all the way back to April, where he finally found something.

Well this is tragic, it also fills me with question. How long has Armel been noting down things in that notebook? And what led to that anyways, is it cause of the pokemon he made a contract with? It's kind of sad to think that everyday feels like a new life for him.

She’d left him without a trace. High, dry, and heartbroken. He remembered going to pick her up from her dorm at her boarding school, only to find she’d left the region entirely. No goodbye, no note, not even a phone call.

Damn Florent, just how young do you get them? that's creepy, man.

Thunderstorms all week, she thought with a frown. It was the beginning of the Castform mating season, and that always meant rocky weather for Kalos. Typical January grade snowstorms one week, sun out the next, and now, torrential downpours. She deeply hoped the strange weather patterns would pass sooner rather than later. They would keep people from wanting to go to the theater, and Purrloins! The Musical was opening in a few weeks. The last thing her and her castmates needed was an empty opening night because the Castforms decided to cause a tornado or something of the sort.

I love the little jab you throw at Kalos at the start considering how unpredictable the wheater is in the games. Though the wheater in Paris is pretty unpredictable as well.

“Your opinion on the best performance Pokemon,” Acadia reiterated. “I sort of talked up your expertise, so now you have to back me up.”
“Depends on the performance,” Odette said simply. Her hand instinctively traveled to Enora’s head. “My Gothitelle, Solene, is the best dancer I know, but I’d never put Enora here in dance shoes,” she said.

I know I mentioned a lot of little caveats in this review, but I really liked the first two chapters based on what I've seen :) it sounds like you have a lot of intersting ideas brewing that, with great care, could come out to a cool story.
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Hey Nubushi! Thanks for your review, and welcome to you too! (sorry, I'm getting around to these replies a little late!) I super appreciate your kind thoughts and critiques, and I hope I'm able to keep you reading! :)

I am unfamiliar with the Pokemon Genesis world (looked that up from "Team Enigma"), but based on what I've read in the prologue, it seems that Team Enigma has a lot in common with Team Plasma (B2W2 in particular): the ship setting, the leader who is just plain evil and also an abusive father, Florent's red eyes.
So...I will admit, I didn't know Pokemon Genesis was a thing, and I didn't know that there was a Team Enigma in Pokemon Genesis :ROFLMAO: My Team Enigma and Pokemon Genesis' Team Enigma are in no way, shape, or form related! But I appreciate you finding that information...I might look into a name change!

As for the comparison to Team Plasma, I'm glad you noticed that. Team Plasma was kind of my baseline reference for crafting this team. While I am intending for Team Enigma to be much worse, I'm very happy that sort of likeness came across to you!

Also, this comment applies in general, not just to this passage, but you have some words here and there that you could cut out entirely without losing any meaning--in this sentence, there's no need for the word "colored," since just "maroon eyes" would get that across without any problem.
Good note, I couldn't agree more. Will revise!

The concept of pokemon based on the seven deadly sins is also mildly interesting--and also reminiscent of FMA, which I suppose is probably a connection inevitable for anyone familiar with the FMA manga/anime. Your description of Gluttony has some very anime-like vibes, too, reminiscent of some of the occult creatures/forms in the Hellsing anime/manga.
My inspiration for the appearances of these Pokemon actually come from the Dark Souls video game series--so I'm happy you got the general anime/manga-y vibe from it!

I have mixed feelings about the bold and italics font and usage of tildes for Gulattive's dialogue. From the tildes I can sort of get a sense that Gulattive is speaking in more of a soft, satiny way, maybe sort of affected, maybe if it were a human we could say simpering, that sort of personality. Like with character gobi, (verbal tics that characters have at the ends of sentences) however, some people can find it annoying, but it probably depends on the reader.

For me personally, I'm not terribly bothered by the tildes, but when I see the boldface and italics, I am wondering what those are supposed to convey and whether there isn't an alternate way to do it. It seems like the boldface is for when Gulattive is speaking directly into Florent's mind, and the italics are when he is speaking out loud. However, if that is the only thing indicated by the bold/italic fonts, I do think you were sufficiently able to convey that using your sentences, at least as far as the prologue is concerned. Whether in the story as a whole it would get tedious to say every time whether he is speaking mentally or out loud, I can't say. But if you do feel committed to using them, italics is often used in genre fiction for thoughts and has a "quieter" feeling, whereas bold tends to get used for shouting/loud voices (though, this is gimmicky and I wouldn't encourage it)--so maybe they would make a little bit more intuitive sense to readers if you swapped them (bold, or just normal font, for speaking out loud, italics for speaking mentally)?
I appreciate this comment, as I was truthfully going back and forth with it myself as I was writing. Overall, my intent for writing Gulattive's dialogue in the italics was to portray that he was speaking quietly out loud. I envisioned him as this towering scary thing, speaking in a whisper. Meanwhile, the boldened italics used while he's speaking in Florent's head was also meant to show that his voice is slightly louder to Florent--Gulattive is speaking directly in his mind, so I imagined it would come off as somewhat louder. I am considering swapping the two uses, though, and this comment sort of gave me more to think about in terms of it. So thank you!

Now, Armel's amnesia, and his keeping a log of what happens in his journal, is really intriguing. Just recently I was reading about a man ("EP" I think it was) who due to brain damage from a disease lost the ability to form any new memories--but he did have memories up to a certain point in his life, just not after that. In his case, since he was unable to form new memories, he not be able to recall things (e.g. meeting a new person) even a few minutes later, or would not be able to recall whether he already ate breakfast or not, things like that. However, due to having memories up to a certain point, he could recall who he was, who his wife was, and so on. I mention this because I am really curious about the mechanics of Armel's memory loss. You've said he loses his memories of any given day by the next morning, so I assume that unlike "EP," he would not forget anything you tell him, or anything he sees or experiences, immediately. But I am very curious about whether he has any memories at all. Does he wake up every morning not knowing who he is, who his father is, or who Team Enigma is? He seems to have a persistent memory of what his journal is, and a persistent sense that it is important. Does he have any kind of ritual of reading any certain parts of it every day? Lots of interesting concepts to explore here, so I am looking forward to learning more about him.
That's really interesting, I'll have to take a look at EP. I wouldn't say Armel's affliction is as bad as the man in EP--he can form new memories, he doesn't immediately forget things that are told to him. Generally, his affliction is more like a nightly mind-wipe. He falls asleep, and he forgets a good chunk of what he might have learned/done the previous day.

So, when I first read this prologue, I was wondering about the seventh pokemon (Seven Deadly Sins, but only six pokeballs), but then later I recalled that Armel has one of them. Judging by the name, greed/avarice, huh. It will be interesting to see how he interacts with it.
Nice catch with the name :) Considering how much you enjoyed the mystery behind Armel's brain issues, you'll really enjoy how he and his particular Pokemon interact when we see them again.

As a final comment, based on the description of your story in the summary, I'm guessing Florent did not succeed in murdering his daughter, and that she is the main character mentioned in the summary, so I suppose there's going to be a time skip at the beginning of chapter 1 . . . (peeks ahead) . . . yep, looks that way!
Yes, he did not...he has some other things in store!
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Hi Flyg0n! Thank you so much for your review and the line-by-lines! I'm glad I was able to get you to read something you wouldn't normally, and hope you end up enjoying what is to come! Sorry I'm responding so late, but I wanted to get back to you on some of your thoughts!

So you're trying to paint a picture that something out of the ordinary is happening on the ship. The sirens going off his definitely unusual for them. However, I think this particular repetition of mentioning how its 'not normal' comes off as a tad tedious to me, and pedantic.

Personally, I feel that you might try something more like:
"The emergency breach sirens wailed through the halls of the S.S. Mystic Milotic. A sound so unusual it caused everybody on board to freeze in confusion for several seconds. Chaos broke out as grunts scrambled around, trying to discern the source of the alarm. They talked over each other, fear clouding their voices as they tried to understand what was going on."

Basically, try to blend your statement about it not being normal into visual actions that might show us how the grunt react to this abnormal situation, which you did do in the next line. If you can find a way to fuse them, I think your opening could become stronger.
I agree with the tediousness of that first paragraph, and actually ended up redoing it after reading another review about it. Thank you for keeping me from secondguessing in reverting it!

So the first appearance of one of your 'sin' pokemon. Very scary! And blood summoning apparently? Extra creepy. That said, I feel like you undercut the creepiness of what is happening by saying that the Pokemon appeared horrific. I think you can spring straight into the explanation.
Thanks for this note, I'll be sure to revise that, because I definitely agree now that it has been pointed out.

A notes about the explanation. I try to avoid starting with the same word more than once in a row, as it can make a description sound like a laundry list, instead of building into a mental image. You don't have to do it just like this, but here's an idea:

'Lanky arms dangled from its towering, legless body. It floated like a ghost, a tattered hood draped over where its head should have been. Yet instead of a head, a single bloodshot eye peered from within. The grunts quivered as the horrific beats loomed over them.'
I didn't quite realize how wordy the description of Gulattive was until you pointed it out. After reading your rewrite, I agree, mine is a quite a tedious read in comparison. So again, thank you!
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Hi Umbramatic! I appreciate you giving mine a read, even if you're not that much into darkfics. That makes your compliments all the more sweeter! :veelove:

he's cartoonishly evil but like, in a good way, Like he's got gusto in a way I can admire and I have a dumb soft spot for villains that think eating your minions or feeding them to your pets is an acceptable form of discipline.
I'm excited to read this, and I can't wait for you to see how truly awful he is 😂

(I also just like the name Team Enigma. It feels. Authentic. Like an actual Pokemon game would have that as a villain team name.)
Thank you so much! I went back and forth for two days on the team name!

You also immediately smack us in the face with the fakemon focus which is cool. I don't think we've seen or had mentioned a canon Pokemon yet, just the Galar region, and it's a bold move and I kind of like it. The concept of the one that showed up was neat and unconventional, and there's a lot of good intrigue about the Legendary that broke free.
I'm very happy you enjoyed that. I was a little iffy about using Fakemons at all (my original antagonist idea was just a bunch of Hypnos...omegalul), but I'm glad to see that my fakemon are being received well, even with the little that is shown about them.

My one concern is that the villain met and impregnated a girl at a young age, and that is setting off alarm bells for possibl3e weird and creepy age diffrences that makes Mr. Bad Guy unsettling in a way I'm not sure you're intending. There wasn't much detail given so I am ASSUMING they were both like teenagers but. Be careful.
SO LET ME ASSURE YOU, Vienna was 18 when they met and did whatever they did. Florent however...was a lot older than 18. I am very much intending for Florent to come off as unsettling in several different ways, that somewhat being one. I really want readers to despise this man.

But other than that again this is a very intriguing opener! Can't wait to see how the protags play into this.
Thank you thank you for reviewing, and I hope you like what's to come!
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Hey there Flaze! I really appreciate your review, and some of the things you pointed out to me that I didn't think of before.

I'll echo what Pen mentioned a bit by saying that it is hard for us to properly understand how intimidating Team Enigma is. You do a good job of painting Florent as a mysterious and threatening fellow, but the fact that we don't know anything about Team Enigma and that the grunts are, seemingly, kind of incompetent also causes the power he could hold to diminish. The fact that he's personality is kind of hammy leaning towards a more generic big bad doesn't help. Don't get me wrong, villains don't have to all be complicated or mysterious and a good villain that really leans into their villainy can be fun, but you have to strike a balance. Right now I'm more scared about what Gullative and Vienna are and what they represent rather than Team Enigma.
So right now, that was my intention. My goal was for you to be more scared of Venira and Gulattive than you are of Team Enigma, because my aim is for the threat of Team Enigma as a whole to go up over time. Like, you'll gradually see what it is they want to do, and how they go about doing it as the chapters go on. I didn't really want to drop too much about how "big and bad" they are right there, because I truly want to show you how big and bad they are, as Odette's story goes on. If that makes sense!

That's assuming that Vienna could've even been stopped, the way it's written right now makes it seem as if she just kind of...vanished without too much trouble, so maybe they wouldn't even have had a chance to fight her in the first place.
Pretty much, yes. Venira popped out and disappeared, and there was nothing they could have done about it.

That aside, I thought you introduce some very interesting concepts even if we don't get an explanation for anything quite yet. I'm particularly curious about Gullative and Vienna as well as the other pokemon they were with. Based on what Florent says it seems like they're kind of like "demons" in that they make a contract with a person? Plus there's also mention of cardinal sins. It's an intriguing concept and I'll be curious to see how you deal with it because it's one of those things that could end up coming off more as edgy than interesting depending on how it's executed.
So you have the right idea--these particular Pokemon sort of "possess" their hosts. I have a lot of lore for these babies planned, so stay tuned :)

I haven't read a fic where the main character is someone focused on the arts and I honestly hope that you delve deeper into Odette's past in that regard or at least build up more in that aspect. I'm interested in seeing what happened to make her quit and learn more about her issues. Giving her an eating disorder is also an interesting choice that could make for a great way of tackling mental health and trauma, but do make sure to tread on it lightly.
This makes me quite happy to hear...because I also haven't read any fics where the main OC is an arts based character. So hearing it from you just doubles up my certainty there! We will definitely visit more of why Odette has stopped her arts endeavors, and why she's so brood-y. However, I will say she doesn't have an eating disorder. Her loss of appetite is more of a testament to her personal unease at her situation, and is not going to be a whole overarching problem. It's more of an "I'm anxious and can't eat" appetite loss rather than a more serious "I won't eat at all" problem.

My one complain with chapter 1 would probably be that it kind of drags a little.
I appreciate you bringing this up, because I wasn't sure how I felt in this regard either. In some places I agree it tends to drag, but as I whole, I was sort of wishy-washy. In a future rewrite, I might look into perhaps shortening the chapter entirely so it doesn't appear to drag, because I am also worried about overblowing it with too much angsty thought.

Taking in Gulattive's description earlier and this description here, I thought he was a very creepy and scary dusknoir. However, it seems that he's a legendary (?) If so is he an original legendary then?
Yes! Gulattive and Venira are original Pokemon, as are the other five that you've yet to see!

Damn Florent, just how young do you get them? that's creepy, man.
He's...a very creepy guy. You don't know the half of it.

I love the little jab you throw at Kalos at the start considering how unpredictable the wheater is in the games. Though the wheater in Paris is pretty unpredictable as well.
I'm SO excited you caught this :ROFLMAO: Like, made-my-day level happy.

I know I mentioned a lot of little caveats in this review, but I really liked the first two chapters based on what I've seen :) it sounds like you have a lot of intersting ideas brewing that, with great care, could come out to a cool story.
Rest assured, I am handling this with the most care I can! I hope you enjoy what is to come, and thank you again for your review!
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
Decided to try this out and read the prologue. Here are my thoughts.

I will have to be direct from the beginning and say I did not really enjoy this. I will, however, try my best to be informative about why rather than discouraging.

The beginning half of this prologue feels much like something I've seen many times before; in other words, cliché. Now, clichés are not unquestionably bad as some people may think - they're essentially heavily utilized tropes, and why they are so heavily utilized can just as well be due to the fact that they simply work, that they're tried-and-true. However, many of the familiar patterns I see here are not ones I'm a fan of or consider to be solid foundations, at least not in the context of this story.

For one, we have the archetype of the bumbling idiot grunts. For a story for children or a story that doesn't take itself too seriously - both properties of the core series games' stories - this is alright and can be rather entertaining when executed right. However, in a story as dark as this, it simply clashes too hard with the tone. For heavy, mature topics, we expect mature characters. Here, though, we have grunts that don't know how to respond to an alarm (despite presumably having been on this ship for a longer time) and grunts that seem to have no good reason to follow a master that makes them refer to him as majesty, yells at them, doubts them, and lastly feeds them to his Lovecraftian pet. Perhaps there is a reason, but it did not come across in this prologue. I really think it would be important to show it or even hint at it, though, so that a reader doesn't feel so disconnected due to this huge unanswered question. And as the reason is good enough for these people to put up with all this, I'd imagine it'd be a visible part of their lives and so show in this prologue in one way or another.

For the second, we have the ruthless villain that kills their own men, even when they really haven't done anything wrong. Most often this comes across as short-sighted and melodramatic. I get why this trope exists - it's to show how ruthless and detestable the character is - but to me, it takes away nearly all my interest in this villain as I feel like I already know what they're going to say and do before they do it due to the archetype being so widely used. As soon as he let out his pokémonster, I knew he'd just have it gruesomely kill them, and that also deflated any shock or emotional response I could've had, not that I really felt for the grunts to begin with considering their bumbling, expendable nature.

And on the subject of shock - it's important to state that it's a risky game to play. In the modern internet age where information spreads like wildfire, people are faced with disturbing material much more easily and more often, conditioning them to grow callous to different levels of shock. Children, now more than ever, feel the pressure to grow up faster, and in the process spread this material to prove that they are big boys that don't afraid of anything, which in turn accelerates the process of cynicization. In short, people are hard to shock with primal fears alone. This unfortunately means that attempts to play off those fears by themselves most often end up falling flat, and when a story sets the reader up for a reaction, they find themselves lacking it and feel disappointment instead.

Then what can be done? How can horror still exist? Well, the way I see it, there are two ways to go about it. Either we choose to execute the horror nonchalantly and without buildup, never really promising the reader a scare, and so avoid disappointment without sacrificing the gory imagery we like to write. An example of something like this is to have the horror be attached to an action with importance for character and plot rather than as its own event that has to walk out onto the Talent USA stage with a spotlight on it and woo everyone. The other option is to craft the buildup with great care. Make the reader care about the characters and what happens to them. It then stops being simply about primal fears, but makes us respond emotionally to seeing something dear to us suffer. For this prologue, though, there simply isn't enough time (or a real point) to make us deeply care for these grunts, so I suggest option one instead. (Fun fact: option one is also great for writing comedy! If you don't promise a laugh or wait for one to come, those that don't find the gag humorous will move on without distraction and those that do will still have a nice laugh.)

Now, for a change of pace, here are some quote comments:

Team Enigma tended to function like a well-oiled machine,

This seems to contradict the incompetence we see. If they don't know how to respond to an alarm that they really should have been briefed about, the team can't exactly be that well led and organized.

Florent Lambourne threw open the doors to the highly secure keep, located in the bowels of the ship, with his 11 year old son Armel at his heels. Florent hardened features were twisted into a look of pure rage, one that appeared to make his maroon colored eyes glow. Armel’s face was a little more blank, but there was an obvious glint of childish fear in his own gaze.

A few things about this paragraph:

Numbers up to twenty, in my opinion, are better written out in words rather than in digits. Giving his exact age also feels slightly irrelevant.

The "Florent" was likely meant to be "Florent's".

This bolded sentence about Armel feels like it implies that Armel is also mad, but not quite as much. If by "a little more blank", a smoother face (not quite as "hardened") was meant, it didn't really come across that way.

Lastly, not a direct critique, but I would have liked to see more description of Florent than simply "hardened features" so that I could better visualize him, for example choice of clothing (business suit? captain's suit? king's robes? naked???) or hairstyle, both of which also serve as subtle ways of characterbuilding.

Although their faces were entirely covered by their uniform mask, Florent could tell that they were frightened by his arrival.

I would've also liked more description of what these masked looked like - it could also tell an interesting tale. It could subtly point to something like a cult, too!

He pushed past the line of terrified grunts, and quickly approached the center of the keep. It was a large space, having been built to take up the entire bottom portion of the ship. Florent had to widen his stride to cover the distance quickly. A raised pedestal stood in the center, with a PokeBall holder perched atop it. What struck Florent as alarming was the thick glass covering that normally served to protect the balls inside. It was now completely shattered.

“No, no, no, no…” he muttered to himself as he leaned over the contents. The holder was situated with five pockets, each occupied with its own neatly situated Pokeball, closed and undisturbed. Or, at least, that was how it was supposed to be.

The fifth and final Pokeball stood open and broken, as if the Pokemon it originally housed had blown it out from the inside.

Florent’s eyes went wide, much more so when he read the label that marked the pocket.

Venira.

This is the third time I've said "subtle" in a row, but him keeping his pokémon in a glass vitrine does subtly establish attributes like ego and treating pokémon as objects in Florent - although if these are all eldritch monstrosities that feed on humans, I suppose keeping them away and not loose is probably better for everyone.

One thing that I raised an eyebrow at, though, was him not seemingly knowing which pokémon was situated where (as he needs to read the label to know) despite putting them in a glass case, which implies a sense of pride and emotional attachment that would probably come with the recollection of what's where.

he asked sternly. Like a teacher questioning misbehaving students.

Nitpick, but the kind of punctuation here to me doesn't quite work in more distant third-person narrators like the one used here. I'd trade it for a comma.

“Isn’t the whole point of guards in the keep to assure none of my relics go missing?” Florent inquired.

I don't think "inquired" really fits a rhetorical question.

The silence that filled the room proved to be more deafening than the alarm that still sounded over them.

I would go for "their silence" rather than general silence, as it's evident it isn't generally silent.

Florent let it go on for several minutes.

Minutes is quite absurd and clashes with the tone.

“What is it you’re going to do?~” it asked tenderly.

This is probably subjective, but I am strongly opposed to tildes in writing. It comes off to me as something more suitable for online roleplay than actual prose in creative writing. It also tends to be somewhat of a shortcut over describing the tone with words - which I don't really think you'd even need here, as there is description in the dialogue tags and the dialogue itself, too, implies a haughty tone.

He felt that perhaps, this would be a good learning experience for his one and only heir.
Florent scoffed to himself. “Wipe the look off your face, boy. That’s how things are handled around here. You’ll forget it when you wake up tomorrow, anyway.”

These two lines really don't match. Maybe the former was meant to be sarcasm, but it can't really be parsed that way before we know that the son does indeed forget everything each night.

“Shut up, you,” Florent snapped. “You’re Gluttony, not Lust.”

Catholics confirmed for this universe, I must now see the Poké-Pope or I will riot.

As his father conversed with Gulattive, Armel was wracking his brain for ideas on what he should do. Although he had awoken with a cleaned memory slate, he supposed, if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts, he had to be of some use. This proved difficult when he woke up every morning forgetting the previous day, but he kept his journal on him at all times for that exact reason. It served as what was left of his memory bank.

So... is his forgetting something his father makes happen? If it isn't, then no problem here, but if it is, that seems awfully inconvenient to have to teach your kid everything all over again each day.

“How could I have another child born at this point?” He asked himself. He racked his brain for possible answers. Several mistresses of his were aboard the ship, but none he’d had long enough to fully conceive.

I don't follow what "fully conceive" means (conception is pretty much an "all or nothing" thing), or really what a lack of time in this context means, either. (Erectile dysfunction? Not shaming bro just asking.)

“Quite strange that master cannot remember who he has lusted after~”

yeahhh hennessee'll do that

Armel was wracking his brain

This same phrase was used just a bit ago, which makes it kind of repetitive.

The gears began to turn in Florent’s head, and he immediately knew

Gears turning implies a slow start, which "immediately" really contradicts.

He remembered how badly he wanted to ring her neck for it.

You probably mean "wring".

---

Alright, that would wrap up most of my thoughts on the prologue. I was initially considering reading the first chapter, too, but it's become apparent that this fic does not mesh with my tastes and it'd likely just be a negative experience for both for me to continue.

I'd like to apologize for such a negative review, but this simply is how I feel about the material at hand. As said before, I hope not to have been discouraging but rather helpful, if it's possible. I myself have had experiences in writing quote-unquote "edgy" content and receiving poor reviews, so I know what it can be like. I want to stress, though, that I don't think there's anything inherently wrong about mixing a child-oriented media with darker themes - in fact, it's pretty ambitious. And where there's ambition, there's glory to be had, so I encourage you to keep writing.

If you'd like further elaboration on any point or to contest them, I'm happy to answer to any reply. Oh - and this comes late, but I genuinely like the cover. It's very nice.
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Hey canisaries. Thanks for your honest review of the prologue. I'm really sorry you didn't enjoy it, but I appreciate you taking time to review anyway. I wanted to get back to you on some of your points, though, as I had a couple of points of my own. I will be putting Spoilers on some of them, just in case anybody who intends on reading ahead decides to look this over.

I did, however, give a quick rewrite to the beginning of the prologue, based on some of your words, so I do thank you for that assistance too!

The beginning half of this prologue feels much like something I've seen many times before; in other words, cliché. Now, clichés are not unquestionably bad as some people may think - they're essentially heavily utilized tropes, and why they are so heavily utilized can just as well be due to the fact that they simply work, that they're tried-and-true. However, many of the familiar patterns I see here are not ones I'm a fan of or consider to be solid foundations, at least not in the context of this story.
I will agree to disagree here. I do know that this sort of setting and "feel" are very cliche and whatnot. However, I do think that for the context of this story, it does work. Glimpses into what is supposed to be the "big bad" team (even if they don't seem that way), and an introduction to their leader. It simply makes sense in my head that it is all introduced in the middle of a panic, in an eViL lAiR! 😂

Here, though, we have grunts that don't know how to respond to an alarm (despite presumably having been on this ship for a longer time) and grunts that seem to have no good reason to follow a master that makes them refer to him as majesty, yells at them, doubts them, and lastly feeds them to his Lovecraftian pet. Perhaps there is a reason, but it did not come across in this prologue. I really think it would be important to show it or even hint at it, though, so that a reader doesn't feel so disconnected due to this huge unanswered question. And as the reason is good enough for these people to put up with all this, I'd imagine it'd be a visible part of their lives and so show in this prologue in one way or another.
So the intent here was to show that the alarm has never sounded before...grunts don't know about it, it's never gone off before, hence panic. Since you're not planning to read onward, I have no need to refrain from spoiling anything for you. Essentially, Team Enigma has a grunt hierarchy, and the higher up in the hierarchy, the more you "know" so to speak. The panicking grunts are implied to be "low rank" and don't know jack all about the 5 creepy Pokemon being stored in the basement, while the grunts that were guarding it are implied to be "higher rank" and know enough to guard them. These are all things that were intended to come out in later chapters, and not here. My goal was for there to be unanswered questions, so I could go about answering those questions along the way. I don't think a prologue should answer these questions--they should form them, and it keeps the reader reading for answers. It's a prologue, not the whole story. You would eventually have these things answered.

For the second, we have the ruthless villain that kills their own men, even when they really haven't done anything wrong. Most often this comes across as short-sighted and melodramatic. I get why this trope exists - it's to show how ruthless and detestable the character is - but to me, it takes away nearly all my interest in this villain as I feel like I already know what they're going to say and do before they do it due to the archetype being so widely used. As soon as he let out his pokémonster, I knew he'd just have it gruesomely kill them, and that also deflated any shock or emotional response I could've had, not that I really felt for the grunts to begin with considering their bumbling, expendable nature.
Once again, I'm aware of my cliches, but there's a method to the madness surrounding Florent and his decision to have his grunts eaten. Florent is possessed by the Pokemon of Gluttony, and as a result, he is showing signs of Gluttony himself--one of these being, impulsive behavior. He was mad his precious thing had escaped, so in a moment of compulsion, he has his possessor eat the grunts. Surely, later on, he'd have a moment of clarity and think "why the hell did I do that?"...only to go back and do it again. Florent has no impulse control because he's possessed by Gluttony. He acts before he thinks, and I was aiming to show that here, through this dumb trope. I guarantee, my hope for him is that he's a lot more interesting than just this mindless baddie who throws his lackey down as meat for his pet. There's a lot more to it.

In short, people are hard to shock with primal fears alone. This unfortunately means that attempts to play off those fears by themselves most often end up falling flat, and when a story sets the reader up for a reaction, they find themselves lacking it and feel disappointment instead.
I see where you're coming from here, and it makes sense. However, I wasn't writing this for just the mere "shock factor." I was looking for a small mix of dark, horror, and an appealing to curiosity, so to speak. Somebody could read this and be like "Oh that wasn't shocking enough, I'm not going any further" while somebody else could go "Oh cool, he ate them! I wanna see what else there is in store!" So, maybe the shock falls flat for some, but I'm banking on that curiosity!
 
Last edited:

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Hi, Sinderella! I'm here for your Blitz prize review. I read the prologue and chapter 1.

You've got an unusual premise here, blood gods based around the seven deadly sins. I feel like it's too early for me to weigh in on them much--I mostly have a lot of questions, but I think I'm okay with not knowing all the answers yet at this stage of the story--but it's definitely interesting to imagine how the seven deadly sins could be interpreted through a pokemon setting. I don't think you need to make it so explicit that's what they are, by the way: I think it'll naturally become obvious as we see more of them.

It seems like the seventh one is missing? Or there were six in the bell jar plus the gluttony one that belongs to the villain? Either way, one of them noped out to go chill with (presumably Odette). I'm a little fuzzy on the bloodline magic math of it all--the language in that passage was a little dense. But! If I had to guess which one would be beelining for Odette right now, it would be either Pride or Envy, since she's clearly got self-esteem issues and an interest in the limelight. It seems like there was a time-skip of seventeen years between the prologue and the first chapter, so I'm surprised Odette hasn't gotten an inkling of an elder god sniffing around her yet.

Odette sure has a lot on her plate, balancing both the performing arts and maybe a battling career she seems nervous about. Those both strike me as activities that take a lot of time and practice, so I'll be interested to see how she manages both. (Unless she's going to be played as more of a coordinator?) I'm not totally sold on her portrayal yet. Her friends and cohort are going out of her way to talk up how amazing she is at knowing things about pokemon and performing. She's also got a rare shiny pokemon. For all that, her biggest flaw so far seems to be that, uwu, she doesn't believe in herself? People can totally be self-contradictory and have irrationally poor self-esteem, but the balance here isn't ringing true to life for me.

I also had to wonder about why we're spending so much time with her friends when it seems like a) we won't see them again because she's moving and b) she doesn't even seem to want to talk to them or seem that upset about the prospect of leaving them. It seems like this chapter's goal was to set up that Odette likes the theater but is nervous about moving, which I think could've been set up just as effectively during the plane ride to Alola. Let her friends pop in with flashbacks, something for her to miss and try to reassure herself with when she's feeling anxious.

I also noticed that it seems like the Alola timeline here meshes with the timeline in Sun/Moon, with the league newly developing. I wonder if Enigma's plans are going to overlap with Skull/the Aether Foundation.

A few more thoughts on character, word choice, and punctuation below.

Team Enigma tended to function like a well-oiled machine, but the abnormality of the sirens was prompting some chaos. None of the grunts appeared to know what to do about it, as they frantically ran about trying to gain some information from one another. But it seemed that every grunt was just as clueless as the next. Some decided to stand by and wait for instructions from their feared leader, but nothing of the sort came.
Some of the qualifiers in here ("tended to," "appeared to," "it seemed that") are making these sentences less impactful. I'd also love to get some more specific actions sprinkled through here. We've got "chaos", which includes some running around and cluelessly standing, but the simplicity comes off as a little robotic for me. (Some ideas for more specific actions you might include: taking up the fire extinguisher, radioing another part of the ship, piling into lifeboats .... These don't need to be named characters or anything, but it gives me a little more to go on.) Part of the problem is that I can't tell what should be happening here if they were more competent. Like, they know what's causing the alarm if they've been drilled on it, right? Why aren't any of them trying to turn off the alarm, for example?

Their feared leader
The repetition of this phrase was a little odd.

with his 11 year old son Armel at his heels.
Eleven should be written out. Dates, times, and three-digit+ numbers that don't end in zeroes are written out. So, 8:15 A.M., the 10th of October, one hundred dollars, a thousand puppies, 768 potatoes, etc.

with his eleven-year-old son, Armel, at his heels. (Unless he has more than one son, but it seems like no.)

There were no windows for the noise to completely escape out of, allowing it to swell and rattle
This must be really loud! I'm surprised we don't get any descriptions of people trying to cover their ears. Being indoors when an alarm is blaring hurts! Like, actual ear-throbbing.

He was stoic in his words, but there was a clear air of distress in the way he spoke.
I wasn't sure what the difference between "in his words" and "in the way he spoke" was meant to be. Maybe you want a stoic tone belied by [physical gesture that reveals anxiety]?

“But what?”

He pushed past the line of terrified grunts, and quickly approached the center of the keep.
It was a little weird to me that he asked a question and then didn't stay for the answer, considering they could've offered an explanation. Might've been cool to hear more about this from their perspective! Or at least to try. You could have them interrupting each other and speaking in a jumble and let that be the reason he blows them off--"Never mind. I'll see to it myself." It might also be nice to see them hovering in the doorway or something. As it is, they kinda vanish until they're summoned back to be eaten.

Florent had to widen his stride to cover the distance quickly.
This makes me imagine him, like, waddling rather than taking big steps. I'm also not sure you need this! The point is that he's crossing the room quickly, right?

the thick glass covering that normally served to protect the balls inside. It was now completely shattered.
Suggestion: the thick glass covering that normally served to protect the balls inside: it had shattered.

This is an odd capitalization and I don't think you do it this way anywhere else.

“No, no, no, no…” he muttered to himself as he leaned over the contents.
Nix "to himself"--already implied. "The contents" is also a little weird to me, especially since you're trying to emphasize something that's missing. Maybe he leaned over the console?

His expression wasn’t angry anymore, as it had grown just as stoic as Armel’s.
Since Armel is largely absent in this scene until the end, this comparison felt a little out of place.

he asked sternly. Like a teacher questioning misbehaving students.
This fragment didn't do much for me. This was also oddly light-hearted for this moment.

He lightly cocked his head to the side for good measure.
I'd trim this down to "he cocked his head to the side." Lightly doesn't add much for me, and for good measure feels out of place. Like, these grunts are already aquiver. He doesn't need to work that hard to freak them out.

The fear wafting off of the grunts thickened the air of the room and caused a smirk to tilt Florent’s lips.
There's a weird almost animal vibe here. Is he more attuned to this than a normal human because of his link with the legendary? (Is it feeding on their fear through him?) If so, that's an interesting angle you might want to play up more! If not, this reaction is a little strong.

memorized code of apology.
Oof, these guys sure do know how to have fun.

“What is it you’re going to do?~”
I didn't love the ~ as godly punctuation. I found it mostly distracting and it didn't really sell their otherness to me.

Florent let it go on for several seconds. He didn’t bother to interrupt, he didn’t bother to antagonize them further.
It struck me here that, despite his raging over the loss of the legendary, he's not acting like someone who's in a hurry to find it and get it back. (Also, is the alarm still blaring this entire time???)

That same glint of trepidation still lingered in his eyes.
I'm having trouble picturing this. We're leaning really hard on his eyes revealing his emotions, and I think it would help if we got some other kinds of body language thrown in, too. I also wonder what Florent thinks about his son's obvious fear and nervousness? Is he rolling his eyes? Is he pleased?

He felt that perhaps, this would be a good learning experience for his one and only heir.
How true is this if his memories are always vanishing?

Even if he would probably forget it.
Is "probably" accurate here? Isn't it guaranteed?

He stood stiff straight,
I think you only need one or the other.

that I am willing to forgive your transgression against Team Enigma and I.”
*and me
You can test this by trying the sentence with only one of them.

There were evident sighs of relief from the grunts.
*Sighs of evident relief

fear induced tension
fear-induced
Though, I might suggest fearful tension instead.

He pulled his left hand from behind his back, revealing a single Pokeball he’d had on him.
It's not clear to me if he pulled this from the smashed display or ... if he's had it on his belt the entire time and decided to hold it behind his back just now? Like, it's not a secret that he's best bros with this pokemon, right? Probably they know he carries it and that's a reason to be afraid when they see him holding any pokeball, not the surprise of oh my god he's had a pokeball all along.

He pushed the button on the Pokeball,
He pushed the release button,

he inhabitant began to manifest in front of the once-again frightened group.
The wording here is a little stiff.

The bead of red that formed on his thumb began to glow, and a stream of light shot out from it and joined the beams emanating from the Pokeball. It met with the manifestation, causing it to begin to grow in size.
This was a little hard for me to picture just because it doesn't mesh with my existing understanding of pokeballs where the beam goes straight out. I wonder if this would actually read clearer if you didn't try to describe each beam. Like, I'm sure this is more accurate to what you're imagining in a blow-by-blow kind of way, but the overall picture is getting lost in the specifics for me.

It was a towering, lanky form, with arms were as long as its seemingly legless body. This left the being floating, like a ghost. A cloak appeared to cover it, with a hood up over what should have been its head. However, there looked to be no head to speak of. Only a single, bloodshot red eye sat in place. Once formed, it loomed ominously over the four grunts.
Again, the level of description here makes it hard to keep track of the overall picture. I wonder how a really pared down version of this would read! If you could only describe two of its features, what would they be? If you could only describe the way it moves, what would that be?

the squelch of their flesh being bitten into.
I don't think the passive voice works here.

Suggestion: the squelch of teeth in flesh.

(But I imagine the screaming is much louder. How strongly is this sound carrying through? Are his senses amplified by his connection to this pokemon? If so, ew, extra creepy, but use that more.)

long enough to carry a baby to fill term.
*full

“Shut up, you,” Florent snapped. “You’re Gluttony, not Lust.”
This is an interesting idea, but this is a heavy-handed way to get the information.

Although he had awoken with a cleaned memory slate,
This is a little robotic. What does that feel like for him? Does he wake up in a panic, not knowing where he is? Or does he wake up blankly calm?

something he might have written down that could assist his father in the current predicament.
I'm not sure what makes him inclined towards helping his father.

“The one you met back in Spring.
Should be lowercased.

and he soon knew what his shaking son was referring to.
I think she's a who, not a what, right?

However, with remembering Vienna, came remembering why he’d decided to cast her out of his mental space in the first place.
This is oddly clinical. I think that often the things we try hardest not to think about ... are the ones we can't stop ourselves from fixating on! Again, unless this is a magical power he's getting with the assistance of a legendary.

He remembered going to pick her up from her dorm at her boarding school,
This jarred me--I didn't realize out setting was this contemporary. It's also so oddly mundane in the middle of all of this blood god stuff. Maybe there are ways to integrate the two a little more?

“The child would have to willingly give it to you, or perish~”
Presumably that means it would get to eat her? I want it to be more gleeful about that and/or pushing harder to make it happen. Honestly, for the embodiment of gluttony, this thing is oddly controlled. Seems to only eat what homeboy wants him to eat.

maroon hued eyes
maroon-hued

It was the beginning of the Castform mating season, and that always meant rocky weather for Kalos.

It was the beginning of the Castform mating season, and that always meant rocky weather for Kalos. Typical January grade snowstorms one week, sun out the next, and now, torrential downpours.
This is a cute idea, but "rocky" threw me off, since sandstorms are also a possible weather condition in pokemon.

It was the beginning of the Castform mating season, and that always meant rocky weather for Kalos: January-grade snowstorms one week, sun out the next, and now torrential downpours.

ceased in all their Kalosian chatter,
This is odd since we're getting this filtered through Odette's POV. Isn't Kalosian chatter just ... chatter for her?

A more dramatic actor screamed in an exaggerated and clearly joking fashion, prompting some more defined laughs to come out.
Suggestion: an especially dramatic crew member

also went back to their chat about best Pokemon types for stage performing, while their own Pokemon partners sat amongst them.
I don't know that we need this: the rest of the conversation makes it clear that this is what they're talking about.

Odette was only half paying attention. So much so, she didn’t even notice her own Pokemon nuzzling her head into the crook of her arm, until she growled in frustration.
Suggestion: Odette was playing so little attention to her surroundings that she didn't even notice Enora nuzzling her head into the crook of her arm until the sylveon let out a growl to catch her attention.

Her eyes immediately fell to her blue-hued Sylveon, taking in her perplexed expression.
I think "blue-hued sylveon" and "blue sylveon" are effectively the same here.

“They’re absolutely glorious to look at onstage.”
“They’re absolutely glorious onstage.”

She reached over to her barely eaten berry salad and withdrew a single Nanab berry. She held it up in front of Enora, causing her face to light up.
“Why didn’t you say something, dumbass?” Odette said with a small grin. Enora wasted no time in gobbling it down, before laying down on her side in newfound contentment.
Lost a line break in here. The cursing throughout didn't quite land for me, in part because the stakes are so, so much lower than they were in the prologue.

“Your opinion on the best performance Pokemon,” Acadia reiterated. “I sort of talked up your expertise, so now you have to back me up.”
“Depends on the performance,” Odette said simply. Her hand instinctively traveled to Enora’s head. “My Gothitelle, Solene, is the best dancer I know, but I’d never put Enora here in dance shoes,” she said.
You lost another line break here.

She had four left feet.
Aww.

“You wouldn’t need to, people would flock to see a shiny Pokemon do anything,” another dancer said jokingly, prompting some agreeing chatter.
“You wouldn’t need to--people would flock to see a shiny Pokemon do anything,”

She shrugged her shoulders
She shrugged

“I’d argue magical types are the best at everything, but that’s simply me being biased from watching my mum research them for 22 years,” she said.
Again, write out twenty-two. I also am not sure what magical types are. Are these psychics and fairies or a new fanmade typing?

That simply sprouted a whole new friendly argument, one Odette felt no need to get herself involved in.
She was already involved in it by starting it though?

when she felt a hand land on her left shoulder. Enora immediately perked up and wriggled out from under Odette's arm. That was all Odette needed to know it was Noel who had arrived to their lunch group, back from whatever extra practice he was doing.
It's a little weird to me how she notices her pokemon's reaction before she turns around herself. It feels like it takes her too long to turn.

He was promptly showered in affection from the Fairy type Pokemon,
*fairy-type pokemon (since fairy-type is a compound adjective here)

shot a look at a blank faced Odette
This reads awkwardly to me. Maybe "she glared at Odette, who returned only a blank stare."

She felt an all too familiar feeling of dread start to rise in her throat, and she suddenly wanted to walk out into the storm and sit until she got struck by a well-aimed lightning bolt. That was preferable to the hole that was opening up in her chest. Her blank expression remained.
Wow, that's an extreme reaction all of a sudden, and I can't tell which thing she's upset about or why exactly.

the dread that had begun to creep up exploded throughout her person
"Throughout her person" reads strangely. I also wish we had more physical cues for what this means and feels like for her. Shaking hands? Afraid she's going to throw up?

Diantha, the unattainable idol. Everything Odette wanted to be, and everything she couldn’t be.
Why can't she be like Diantha? Sounds like she's got a lot going for her already ....

“I’m just not sure I feel ready to perform again, so I feel lacking in motivation. That’s all there is to it,” she explained. “And even if I was sure, I couldn’t lead in anything, because I’m moving in March.”
This felt a little explain-y.

“That’s stressing me out more than anything, actually.”

It was a bald-faced lie, but at least it was one she could pass off easily, and it would prove effective here.
I wasn't sure a) which of them was speaking at first and b) what "that" was referring to.

As Noel began to falsely pout,
Noel pretended to pout, and

dubious smirk
These contradict for me. Dubious = doubt but a smirk implies certainty to me.

Elite Family, singing, the new Pokemon League…those were bigger steps.
I still don't quite have a grasp on what about these things is stressful for her.

I doubt a region change will make that much of a difference…
In what way?

I hope these thoughts were helpful! If you have any questions or follow-ups, feel free to shoot me a reply either here or in DMs. Good luck with your next chapter!
 
Last edited:

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Alright, its time to give thoughts on chapter 1, hooray! First, loved the opening big with Castform and weird weather.

I won't go into line by lines much this time, since I didn't see any glaring errors and/or they were already touched on.

First up, our MC, Odette! I was very intrigued by her. You worked in a lot of details about her. I liked the way you went out of your way to have her notice all these facial ticks and cues that the people around her are doing, and having her be able to read them. I assume this is at least partially due to her experience with theater (?). Either that or she got into theater because she was so good at that.... hmm...

I don't have any specific criticisms yet, since I usually wait until I get a little further in a story. My only concern would be seeing how the characters and elements mentioned will tie and flow into the rest of the story. So I'll be keeping an eye on that!

I also feel like you either must have been in theater yourself or done some research cause something about the vibes in what you wrote felt right. Accurate. Anyways! I can also see she has something that happened in her past. Although the exact details of what aren't clear. I'm curious how much relevance her friends will have. Hopefully we'll see them worked in later, since they seem like they have potential.

I loved the details of how performers work with their pokemon, through dancing and showing off. A big appeal for me in pokemon stories is the many ways people interact and work together. (I hope I'll see more of this!!)

Also very curious to uncover how she came by a shiny. Was it by chance? breeding? hunting for hours and hours and hours on end?
I must know!

Also, she's moving to Alola??? Intrigue. Good work so far!
 

IFBench

Rescue Team Member
Location
Pokemon Paradise
Partners
  1. chikorita-saltriv
  2. bench-gen
  3. charmander
  4. snivy
  5. treecko
  6. tropius
  7. arctozolt
  8. wartortle
I'm here to leave a review on both the prologue and chapter 1!

The opening sentence is really good! It's an excellent hook to draw the reader right into the action.

The fourth paragraph is very nice! It begins to establish Florent and Armel's personalities, and how much they contrast.

As they should be.

This little bit is really good at establishing that Florent thinks of himself as above others.

The scene with the five Pokeball slots, with shattered glass and one missing is very striking and vivid! Well done! Very interesting how it seems the glass was broken from the inside.

Very interesting decision to have Fakemon in your fic, and Fakemon legendaries, nonetheless! I'm interested to see what they are all like.

How standardized is everything in Team Enigma for there to be a code of apology?

Florent is a very intimidating presence. The line where he says the grunts have outlived their usefulness gave me chills.

OH DEAR. That part where Gullative devoured the grunts was horrifying. The way the grunts just accepted it, how the sounds were described...you paint a picture of pure horror excellently here.

And Florent doesn't react in the slightest after learning that the grunts didn't do anything. Despicable.

Interesting. Seems that Armel forgets the past day every single day. Wonder why that could be?

Smart idea for him to keep a journal. That'd be very useful for him.

Oh no. Florent's planning on feeding a child, HIS child, to Gullative. Absolutely horrible. You do a great job making him such a hateable character, in a good way.

That final line from Gullative was a great way to end the chapter.

Overall, a very interesting prologue that hooks the reader in with these intriguing new legendaries and the horrible actions of Florent. Well done.

Now for chapter 1! I really like the bit about the Castform season. Very good bit of worldbuilding.

Purrloins! The Musical

Heh.

Seems like our protagonist is an actor! Very interesting choice of profession to have for a protagonist.

Ooh, interesting! Odette's Sylveon is shiny! Wonder if that'll be relevant later on.

Interesting how "All Pokemon are great" seems to be a stereotypical attitude for trainers in this world.

This group of friends seem to be really close if there's one of them that's the Mom Friend.

I wonder just what the real reason Odette isn't feeling hungry is, and why she's lying about it to her friends.

Noel seems like a fun character. I hope we get to see more of him. I really like him.

And the conversation is brought back to Odette skipping lunch. Oh boy.

I wonder what this Deschamps thing is all about?

Oh, so Odette is moving. Is that truly the reason why Odette's skipping lunch, or is it just another excuse?

It's a lie, then. Interesting. What could it be that's truly stressing out Odette?

Seems that this friend group isn't going to last much longer, and has been crumbling for a while. I wonder what the reason for prior exits from the dance group were?

Looks like Odette's going to try for the Alola Pokemon League once she gets there. Interesting.

And the chapter ends with the conversation ending, and rehearsal beginning. I wonder what Odette is being so secretive about?

Overall, a good chapter that introduces the main character, an inner conflict, and lots of mysteries. I look forward to reading more!
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
Responding to your reply - sorry that it took so long.

I did, however, give a quick rewrite to the beginning of the prologue, based on some of your words, so I do thank you for that assistance too!

I'm glad to hear I could be helpful! And in general, I'm happy that you took the review well. In hindsight, I feel like I was harsher than necessary and jumped to some pessimistic conclusions when I should've given more benefit of the doubt.

So the intent here was to show that the alarm has never sounded before...grunts don't know about it, it's never gone off before, hence panic. Since you're not planning to read onward, I have no need to refrain from spoiling anything for you. Essentially, Team Enigma has a grunt hierarchy, and the higher up in the hierarchy, the more you "know" so to speak. The panicking grunts are implied to be "low rank" and don't know jack all about the 5 creepy Pokemon being stored in the basement, while the grunts that were guarding it are implied to be "higher rank" and know enough to guard them. These are all things that were intended to come out in later chapters, and not here. My goal was for there to be unanswered questions, so I could go about answering those questions along the way. I don't think a prologue should answer these questions--they should form them, and it keeps the reader reading for answers. It's a prologue, not the whole story. You would eventually have these things answered.

A rank system does actually make sense and explains away most of the problems I had, though it still puzzles me somewhat why the siren would reach places meant for lower ranking grunts. There may be higher ranking grunts there, sure, but perhaps a pager system would be more efficient and generate less disturbance to personnel who are probably doing important things for ship maintenance and such. Then again, I'm unaware of the amount of resources available and if this alarm and others like it are considered extremely rare, the reactions of the lower-ranking grunts are probably irrelevant in the face of oh god the fucking monster is loose we are going to fucking die

Once again, I'm aware of my cliches, but there's a method to the madness surrounding Florent and his decision to have his grunts eaten. Florent is possessed by the Pokemon of Gluttony, and as a result, he is showing signs of Gluttony himself--one of these being, impulsive behavior. He was mad his precious thing had escaped, so in a moment of compulsion, he has his possessor eat the grunts. Surely, later on, he'd have a moment of clarity and think "why the hell did I do that?"...only to go back and do it again. Florent has no impulse control because he's possessed by Gluttony. He acts before he thinks, and I was aiming to show that here, through this dumb trope. I guarantee, my hope for him is that he's a lot more interesting than just this mindless baddie who throws his lackey down as meat for his pet. There's a lot more to it.
I see where you're coming from here, and it makes sense. However, I wasn't writing this for just the mere "shock factor." I was looking for a small mix of dark, horror, and an appealing to curiosity, so to speak. Somebody could read this and be like "Oh that wasn't shocking enough, I'm not going any further" while somebody else could go "Oh cool, he ate them! I wanna see what else there is in store!" So, maybe the shock falls flat for some, but I'm banking on that curiosity!

I have a similar thought to both of these, so I'll address them together. I think the problem for me lies in the execution and the fact that I could not discern the writing from a case where the author had been unaware of these things - and due to the pessimism I mentioned before, I assumed the latter was the case.

It reminds me somewhat of a predicament I had regarding one writer friend of mine - he would write his character in a way that seemed illogical and inconsistent, but when I or other people pointed out the oddities, he had a justification ready for each perceived fault. The justifications made perfect sense, but the problem was that the writing hardly pointed to there being explanations at all. The way it was executed felt as it was presenting the actions as being logical in themselves and requiring no justification, when the reader should have gotten the idea that there was something. Two ways I can think of now to achieve such a thing are either drawing attention within the story to the event being strange or linking the event to something mysterious.

To give examples (as that whole explanation was rather abstract), that "drawing attention to it being strange" would exactly be that "why the hell did I do that" part you mentioned. As for "linking it to something mysterious", the simplest example is the well-known "he was never the same... not since... the accident", as corny as that sounds. Both of these imply to the reader that the author is aware of these things possibly appearing illogical if not provided a justification, and the way I see it, that's enough for a reader to change their tone from "I don't get it, why did this happen" to "ooh, I wonder why this happened". The actual justification need not even be given, it's enough to promise that one will come (as long as the thing in question isn't so insane that a reader thinks there can't possibly be any reasonable explanation).

But of course, there are nuances to the need. Different readers will let different amounts of things slide, and sometimes trying to imply an explanation in some way would just end up clunky. There's also the fact that readers will have more faith in an author as the story goes on if things make sense as they learn to trust them - on the flipside, this means a new reader is yet to be convinced.

Regarding the "shock" example, the issue was a bit different. To me, the execution seemed to prop this up as a big impressive moment that to me then fell flat, when this apparently was not the intention. This is probably much more subjective than what the rest of this reply revolves around, so there's not much further rationalization I can provide it. My advice in the end is just to see what other people have to say and see if similar problems end up being brought up, which is probably something you're already doing anyway.

Anyway, I'm glad that this interaction unraveled in a much more friendly fashion, and I wish you luck with further writing. Given these justifications and a newfound look on the story as a whole, I might end up reading onward at some point after all.
 
Chapter 2 - The Audacity...

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu

White Swan.jpg

Chapter 2: The Audacity...
Special thanks to Pen and Flyg0n for beta reading this for me!
Strong Language, Implied History of Sexual Assault

Odette had never wanted to trade her motorcycle in for a flying-type pokemon. Noel, when he wasn’t going on and on about how his braviary partner Elton didn’t listen to him, always claimed flying was a truly exhilarating experience. But for Odette, nothing trumped a motorcycle. She was in full control, weaving in and out of traffic and between buildings at mach speed; she decided where to go and how fast she went. Flyers didn’t know what they were missing.

Odette tightened her grip on the handlebars as a breeze stirred her bangs, cool against her uncovered head. She’d have to be extra careful tonight, with the roads still being soaked from the downpour. The last thing she needed was to have Acadia screaming, “I told you so!” at her hospital bedside. Or worse, over her grave.

The city storefronts flew by her in streaks of bright light, seemingly absorbed by the headlights of the other cars she was surrounded by. The brisk air nipped at her face, leaving her nose inflamed and beginning to run. She quickly reached up a hand and rubbed at it as she switched into the middle lane of the road. Her eyes darted between the two cars that bordered her bike, and she instinctively slowed down when she saw the right car begin to swerve into her lane without using a blinker. It then sped up as if trying to leave that little faux pas behind.

“Dumbass,” Odette said to herself, returning to her normal speed. Her mind ran with observations as she maneuvered between cars.

Watch the van, they’re lane hopping...that hatchback’s driving under the speed limit, the driver looks like they’re texting, steer clear…why is this stupid sedan on my ass? And there’s the stoplight. Shit, it’s turning. Not even going to try to run it with Noel on here.

She slowed to a stop at the front of the pack of automobiles waiting for their chance to charge across the four-way intersection. The downtime allowed her to rub her tingling nose again and untangle her bangs.

Noel seized the opportunity for a chat. He rested his chin lightly on her shoulder and loudly inhaled.

“Dee, what shampoo do you use again? The inside of your helmet smells so good.

She looked over her shoulder, resisting the urge to laugh at the sight of Noel in her helmet. She'd felt it'd be safer for him to wear it considering she was the experienced motorcyclist between them, but the thing barely fit his head. Something was better than nothing, though.

“Bulba and Bulba curl moisturizing shampoo,” she answered. Her eyes returned to the traffic running perpendicular to them. “It doesn’t have much of a smell, though. You’re probably noticing the heat protectant spray.”

“I still don’t understand why you straighten your hair,” he sighed. He grabbed one of her braids and began to tug on it playfully. “Your curls are amazing, and you would rock the luxray mane look.”

Odette pressed her lips together. “Until you have thick curly hair to deal with every day, don’t yell at me about what I do to mine,” she said. “I like my braids, and my braids like me.”

Noel kept up with his chatter, but Odette tuned him out as she watched the traffic. The hundreds of tires rolling over soaked asphalt blended with the sounds of rumbling engines around her, combining with the music from the storefronts on either side to create a full cacophony. Odette drew in a deep breath. Most people weren’t fans of traffic noise, but she had always found the sheer volume calming.

The sound of an engine revving echoed violently from over the building off to her right, and it caused her to jolt. Even from far off, it rattled in her eardrums above all the other sounds.

Odette jerked her head in the direction of the disturbance. On the street, a few people had halted, looking around.

“Street racers? Who the hell is street racing in Lumiose at this time of night?” Noel exclaimed, pulling his hand away from Odette’s hair. Before Odette could answer, that same revving noise exploded through the area again, louder than the first.

“Look!” Noel called, nudging her back. Three cars raced around the corner. They were sleek, shiny, and probably cost more than her entire apartment and everything in it. They were colourful, too--clearly, they wanted to be seen doing this illegal nonsense.

Rich people out for a joyride.

“Red light’s gonna rain hard on their parade,” Noel laughed. Odette’s eyes flicked over to their light; sure enough, it had gone green. The cars around them started forward, but Odette didn’t move her foot from the brake. Her gaze was fixed on the three cars. Their speed wasn’t letting up in the slightest.

They’re not going to stop, she realized.

The cars behind her began to honk, and she felt Noel jostle her again, lighter this time.

“Uh, Dee?”

It all happened in a blink. As the sports cars entered the intersection, the honking became frenzied. Cars screeched to a halt. The street racers tore past, sending up a spray of mist. They rounded the next corner, and they were gone as quickly as they’d appeared.

Odette blinked rapidly, trying to process what she’d just seen. The passersby erupted into conversation. Even though she couldn’t make out the words, she could hear their disdain and disbelief.

Those fuckers could have killed somebody, she thought numbly. Around her, the honking had died down. The light was still green, but the traffic remained halted, all sharing in the same shock.

Odette felt an all-too-familiar tingling sensation start to form in the small of her back. Her lips curled back over her teeth. The corners of her vision began to go red.

“Those fucking lowlives,” she spat. She violently revved her bike. “I’m gonna--”

“Hey!” Noel snapped. He smacked her lightly on the crown of her head. “Simmer down, Hothead!”

Odette whipped around in her seat, one fist raised. She couldn’t hear anything above the rush of blood in her head.

“Do you want my goddamn fist down your throat?” she shouted.

Noel flinched back. His hands came up defensively in front of his face. “I want you to drive before the guys behind us shove their fists down both our throats!” he yelled back.

She stared. The red began to clear as the aggravated honks behind her began to pick back up again. She lowered her fist, turned around, and propelled the bike forward. Her heart was pounding as fast as her mind was moving.

“Gods,” Noel breathed when they were well away from the intersection. “Leave it to you to go psycho over some stupid racers. Keep it together, Dee.”

Warm-up breaths, she thought. One second in, one second out. That was a start. Now two seconds in, two seconds out. She wasn’t feeling any different. The tingle in her back had yet to lessen, and her brain buzzed with threats and ferocious thoughts of payback. She wanted nothing more than to blacken the eyes of one of those drivers. Haul him out of his car, slam him against the wall and punch and kick until they were a bloody pulp, until—

The audacity, the sheer fucking audacity…

The breathing wasn’t working. She felt like she wasn’t getting enough air. All of her brainpower was going toward her rage. She had to concentrate on something else.

So, she began to recite the Purrloins! script instead, starting with the opening song.

“Are you blind when you’re born, can you see in the dark, can you look at a king, would you sit on his throne…” she sang to herself. She focused on remembering how the orchestra sounded when they played along with the singers in rehearsal. The harmonies, the rests, the subtle grooves, the way they were never quite together on the sudden rests, no matter how much the conductor scolded them.

She kept on driving toward her building. The more she focused on picturing the stage as she sang the lyrics, the less she focused on the idea of hunting the drivers down and making them pay for their bullshit.

Another turn brought her onto Gigavolt Way. She slowed to a stop outside a low-rise apartment building. The familiar sight helped in cutting her anger for a moment. Arched doors stood behind wrought iron balcony fences and flower boxes brimmed with blooming daisies and pansies. Some of Odette’s night owl neighbours were on their balconies with their Pokemon friends, enjoying the cool post-rain air. They waved as Odette drove by and turned onto the downward incline leading into the garage.

“Flat sweet flat,” Noel hummed as Odette stopped at the security gate and entered her code. She easily maneuvered down the rows of parked cars through the parking lot until she found one of the spots labelled 310. She and her mother had certainly gotten lucky when they moved into the building because the first 310 spot was stationed right next to the elevator and staircase leading up to the lobby.

Once the bike rumbled to a stop, Odette swung off and stomped toward the elevator doors. She’d forgotten about Noel. His voice caught her just as she reached out to jab the elevator button.

“Hey! Temper Tantrum!”

“That’s not my name,” Odette snapped back, not turning.

“It might as well be,” he said. “Quit stomping around and come back here.”

Odette closed her eyes. She didn’t have the patience to deal with Noel being Noel. Nonetheless, she pulled back her arm and turned to face him.

“What,” she said. The word came out more menacingly than she had intended.

Noel had taken off the helmet. He held it in front of him like a shield. “Pick one. We’re either gonna woosah, or we’re gonna sing another happy song.”

The tingle in her back flared again. The attempt at calming herself was wasted.

“Neither, I’m fine,” she ground out.

“Pick one,” Noel repeated as he stepped closer. He had a ridiculous grin on his face. The fuck was he so happy about? “I would suggest singing because the acoustics in here are great. Don’t think I didn’t hear you singing Jellicle Songs.”

His grin didn’t falter, despite the intensity of her glare. All she wanted to do now was get up to her apartment and stretch all the anger out of her system with her Pokemon team, provided nobody was up to anything foolish. But no, Noel had to be a good friend and make sure she calmed down before any of that happened. The babying lunatic.

She sucked in a deep breath.

“Jellicles do, and Jellicles can,” she sang, her voice echoing through the brightly lit garage.

Somehow, Noel's smile widened even further. “Jellicle purrloins sing Jellicle chants,” he belted.

As they continued through the verse, Noel dropped his things and began to do his own choreography for the song as if he were back on the stage. Although she tried to keep herself from doing so, she was soon smiling at the ridiculousness of it. But, the subdued performer part of her was aching to dance with him. She’d spent enough time on the stage’s wings, watching the dancers run through their steps repeatedly, that she felt she knew the choreography as well as she knew the timings of the scene changes.

As Noel danced, she began to move along with him. Not with the same pep but with just enough gusto to show she had an idea of what she was doing. A couple of steps in, the tingle in her back faded almost entirely.

She stopped what she was doing, arching over and placing her hands on her knees.

All previous thoughts of violence, wrath, and everything in between vacated her mind, leaving her feeling winded. Her vision began to cloud with sleepiness, and her insides felt like they’d melted into jelly. The feeling was so intense that she forgot what she'd been so mad at just moments before. She was so focused on the malaise that gripped her that there was no room to be angry at anything. To even feel anything else but weariness and, of course, regret.

It suddenly pained her to be standing upright.

Gods, I hate this part, she thought through her fatigued haze.

Nonetheless, she made herself breathe through it. She began smacking her lips together, longing for a big sip of water. Something to treat the dry feeling on her tongue and the gross feeling at the back of her throat.

Hydration was always the answer. The results were usually instant.

She felt a hand begin to paw her head as the elevator dinged, signaling it had been called.

“Maybe if you diverted more energy into smiling, you wouldn’t always get so winded every time you got pissed off,” Noel teased from his new spot next to her. "You think your eyes are red because you're so angry all the time?"

Odette dazedly leaned over to open her backpack. She retrieved the water bottle she’d swiped from the backstage fridge just before leaving for the night and started chugging it in greedy gulps.

“Smiling causes premature wrinkles,” she huffed when she finished. "And it's a mutation, ass."

Pushing herself up to stand upright, she blinked until the corners of her vision straightened themselves out. Her guts reformed, and as the water hit her stomach, it sent an instant surge of energy through her nerves. She suddenly felt as if she'd never been tired in the first place. No aches, no dizziness, no urge to fall over. All was right within her again. The regret was still prominent, but at least she could focus on it without the lingering feeling that she would dry heave and pass out.

"I dunno, red eyes and anger go pret-ty well together,” Noel said, his voice inflecting upwards. “Real talk, though. Getting so mad that you’re tired afterward shouldn’t be the move.”

She pursed her lips as she wrestled the half-empty bottle into her bag. “My anger issues know no bounds.” She paused, then exhaled slowly through her nose. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

The elevator dinged again, and the doors slid open. Noel sauntered in. Odette followed with considerably less spring in her step.

“No harm done. I know how you are, Little Miss Angry Eyes," he replied easily. "Still, they were just stupid rich kids racing their new toys. Why waste your energy on that?” he continued as they began to move up. "Based on my observations, they might die of a sacrilege overdose soon, so..."

Because,” Odette said strongly, “they could really hurt somebody. If I hadn’t been paying attention, there’s a chance they would have hit us. Then we’d be paralyzed or dead. And they don’t give a shit. The inconsideration just…”

Her jaw clenched, and she pushed back her rising anger. There was no need for a round two of that.

“It just pisses me off,” she finished flatly. Another pause. "And that's not funny."

Noel sucked his teeth again, then returned his free hand to her head and began to scratch affectionately. “Sorry, sorry, my bad," he apologized. "But gods, you have so much rage in that tiny body. You must hide it all in your hair.”

The elevator soon stopped and opened into the complex’s main floor. The interior wasn’t nearly as fancy as the exterior, just a wide open space with an empty front desk, a sitting area of mismatched chairs and loveseats, and a wall of mailboxes.

“Let’s see what BS junk we got today,” Noel said as he popped open his own mailbox. Odette’s was quite high up, so she had to stand on the tips of her toes to be able to get the key in the lock.

She was surprised at how much mail she pulled out once it was open. A couple of magazines, pamphlets, and some smaller envelopes.

Maman’s, maman’s, maman’s...she thought as she flipped through the magazine covers. Finally, she came upon a pamphlet addressed to her. She flipped it over to read the cover, and her chest seized at the words that blared in her face.


Fleurrh University of the Arts

You’re almost done!
Sign up for summer classes today!


She dropped the rest of her mail and tore the page in half. The sudden movement made Noel flinch. When she returned from dumping the thing in the trash, she found him watching her with knowing eyes.

His brows raised. “More shit from Fleurrh?” he asked.

Odette didn’t immediately respond. She kneeled and began to pick up what she had dropped.

“What gave it away?” she muttered.

“I know that look on your face. But what gives, Dee? Why are they still bothering you?”

She shrugged. “I only had six credits left when I dropped out, I guess they want to keep reminding me of that.”

Noel shook his head incredulously while nudging his locker closed. He set his own mail pile down and knelt to help Odette collect the rest of hers.

“Oh yeah, because you’re totally going to step foot back on that campus. After everything they did to you.” He considered his words for a second. “Or didn't do for you, more like.”

Her vision was swimming, but not with red this time. Her chest began to tighten, the same as it had when she’d started thinking of him.

She hadn’t gotten anything from her former university for a while. She’d thought for sure they’d removed her from the mailing list. Her, her mother, her grandparents, and their lawyer had told the school’s higher-ups and her former professor's family where to shove it, and she figured that was that.

But life seemed determined to rub salt against her wounds. Odette began to massage her forehead.

He forced himself on you, and you killed him for it…

You killed him.


She didn’t realize she’d started staring at the floor until Noel snapped at her. She jerked her head up, catching his concerned gaze.

“Hey, ma’am, up here,” he said. “You’re good.”

“Sorry,” she said, shuffling the rest of her mail pile together. “All good. I'm fine, just thinking.”

She stood up and pushed her locker closed, shaking her head as a means to rid herself of those thoughts.

“Would a glass of Domaine De La Roserade-Conti help? My mum would happily let us break into the wine cooler,” Noel said, flashing a grin.

Odette had to admit the offer sounded tempting. A solid buzz would put her straight to bed, no wrestling with her brain needed. However, she also had to consider the possible hangover to follow.

She shook her head again, sighing. “It would, but I have trainer school tomorrow. I don’t want to be dealing with dry mouth and wrangling Loïc at the same time.”

At the mention of the name Loïc, Noel’s expression melted into one of slight fear. “Right, handling a rabid mimikyu while hungover doesn’t sound like a smart thing to do.”

Odette scoffed as they made it back to the elevator. “For the millionth time, he’s not rabid.”

“You say that, and yet, he acts pretty damn rabid,” Noel said. “I’ve never met a Pokemon that's so set on causing problems on purpose.”

“Then you’ve never set foot in a Pokemon research lab,” Odette said. “Have you ever met a gengar that’s had too many bottles of protein? It put Loïc’s tantrums to shame.”

Noel shook his head as he pushed the button on the wall. “Fine, fine. I guess the little guy did get you out of bed."

Odette's nose crinkled at the mention of it. That all seemed so far away now; the days after that thing where she couldn't move, couldn't shower, couldn't eat. All she did was sleep because she had no will to do much more. And even that was interrupted by nightmares that the case was going to trial and that there was a chance she might be arrested for it and--

But, of course. Leave it to her mother to bring home an injured mimikyu that needed all the TLC in the world and then some. She couldn't have stayed in bed with him running laps around the apartment and breaking shit, especially in the state he was in. There had been no room left in her mother's lab for him to board there, so at home he stayed, keeping Odette on her toes and actually driving her to get up and move.

That was months ago, and Loïc made it abundantly clear he had no intention of returning to the wild any time soon. Apparently, he enjoyed crawling around in the vents and the free pecha berries he got out of the partner lifestyle. And truthfully, as much of a pain in the ass as he tended to be, that made Odette quite happy. Pain in the ass or not, it was a pain she welcomed because she wasn't wallowing in her depression in bed. Now she could at least do it while being a partially functional member of society.

Shuddering at the thought, she sighed. Fond feelings aside, Loïc still acted like a wilding. Surely leaving him home to pack with her team wouldn't bode well.

“Can’t wait to see what nonsense is in store for me.”

***
Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep.

Nonsense had indeed struck the Cinq-Mars apartment.

Standing in the doorway, the sound that hit Odette immediately was the ring of the smoke alarm. White smoke rose in three separate columns behind the bar top bordering the kitchen. The dinner table was in complete disarray, with all four chairs completely toppled over and the tablecloth dangling off the edge in a bunched-up heap. A board game and its many colourful pieces were scattered over the wood floors. The only one of her Pokemon partners in sight was her froslass friend, who was face down on the living room sofa.

“I swear to gods...” Odette said as she began to fan the smoke away from her face with her mail stack. “Isaur?” she said loudly. “What the hell?

Don't ask; don't talk to me,” Isaur said, her voice muffled by the cushion. She sounded exasperated, and that seemed to be the only answer she was going to give.

Odette kicked the door shut behind her, then threw her helmet and mail down onto the coffee table. Her eyes began to water as she stomped across the small family room to the dining area, passing the tipped chairs to get to her balcony doors. She threw them open and fanned the rising smoke outside. She tried to hold her breath for as long as possible to avoid breathing the smoke in but found the task to be a little too difficult. She took to staggering her breathing instead.

“What happened to packing?” she yelled through short huffs.

She moved into the kitchen and quickly found the source of the fumes. Her chandelure friend, Ange, was sitting on the floor, bright red in the face from pouting. His signature embers had flared up and were releasing smoke as a result.

“Ange!” she snapped. “What’s the problem? You’re going to smoke out the whole building!”

“He cheated!” he said angrily. “He cheated, and I'm mad about it!”

Odette began to cough, feeling that tickle returning to her back again, along with a new tightness in her lungs. She grabbed a plastic cup full of water from the sink and dumped it on Ange's fires. They fizzled out, and he slumped over, clearly winded from whatever energy he’d been exerting.

“You’re ridiculous,” she said in a huff, throwing the cup aside. She went back out to the living room and returned to fanning the exhaust. There, her gothitelle friend, Solene, came running out from the hallway leading to her bedroom, breathless.

"I'm...sorry,” Solene said, panting. "I'm trying...to find--"

“Help me,” Odette cut her off. “Psychic, please.

Solene drew in some air and put her hands together. An orb of pink light formed between them, and suddenly, the smoke still left in the room began to ball together. The ball hovered out the open balcony doors and said doors slammed shut behind it. The beeping stopped, and Odette sighed in relief. She began to rub her back as if trying to coax the tingling sensation out of it.

“Guys, I wanted to come home to a calm place tonight,” she said, irritated. “Of all the days to be up to some shit, today wasn’t it.”

Things were perfectly fine up until about ten minutes ago!” Solene said insistently.

Odette paused in her rubbing, a thought suddenly occurring to her. She looked around the room almost frantically. Isaur was on the couch, Ange was collecting himself in the kitchen, Solene was in front of her, and Enora was still in her ball.

“Where’s the imp?” she asked.

Solene pointed up at the ceiling, evidently annoyed. Odette looked up just in time for the sound of skittering feet to echo from down from it. Her gaze cut to the vent above her, and it popped open almost immediately. That familiar fake pikachu head hung down from the darkness of the air duct.

Kkkkkkkyu,” Loïc hissed ominously.

Odette narrowed her eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of the vents? What could you possibly need up there?”

Kkkkkkkkkkkkyu,” he responded. His body weight shifted slightly, and several other board game pieces and cards fell from the duct. Odette silently watched them all hit the floor before speaking again.

“Why are you being a dickhead?”

“Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.” It was amazing how even after living as a partner Pokemon for so many months, he still elected to speak in hisses.

Why are you being a dickhead?” she asked again, her anger rising. Loïc was silent after that.

Odette pinched the bridge of her nose and took another deep, long breath. “I’m going to count to three,” she said evenly. “If you’re not out of the vent by three, I’m throwing every single chocolate-covered pecha berry we have in the garbage. Do you--”

She didn’t need to finish her sentence. Upon looking back up, she saw the rambunctious ghost-type slowly floating down to the floor. He landed at her feet.

“Am good,” he said sweetly. Speaking in a way she could fully understand that time. For good measure, he began to rub himself up against her leg.

“You’re so easy,” Odette sighed. She picked up the haphazardly thrown board game and unfolded it, seeing the familiar print of a Monopoly track. She frowned at it.

“Who was playing Monopoly?” she asked, peering up at Solene.

“Those two!” Solene snapped. She pointed down at the now-politely sitting mimikyu, and toward the kitchen.

“Kkkyu,” Loïc replied.

“Tattletale…” Ange called in a wary tone.

Odette nodded slowly. “I could have told you that the two of you playing Monopoly would be a horrible idea. What were you even thinking?”

There wasn’t a verbal response from Loïc this time. Instead, he scurried between Odette’s feet and dove under the living room coffee table. That was all the answer she needed.

“Boys, when I said ‘start some packing,’ I meant ‘start some packing without getting sidetracked by random shit,’” she sighed. She sat the board on the table, along with her backpack.

“I'm not sure how you expected this to go any other way,” Solene spoke. "The two of them together results in the opposite of efficiency."

Odette eyed the gothitelle dubiously. “Fair, but what’d you do today?”

Solene wildly gestured back toward the kitchen, where there was a stack of four small boxes against the back wall, plain as day. Odette had been in such a hurry to do some damage control, she hadn’t noticed them.

All the glassware?” she asked.

Solene nodded firmly, then gestured to Isaur, who had yet to move from the couch. “Of course! How could you underestimate our efficiency? I'm the fastest packer in the group!”

At least the girls--sans Enora--had gotten something done.

“Can I humbly request I not be left with them tomorrow? I'm over it,” Isaur grumbled, rolling over onto her back. At that moment, Loïc stuck his head out from under the coffee table and attempted to jump up on the couch with her. She immediately sat up and swatted at him.

“You better get the hell away from me, I'm not in the mood!” she yelled.

Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk,” Loïc growled.

Odette pulled Enora’s pokeball from the front pocket and pressed the front button. With a bright flash of blue, Enora herself appeared on the table. She stretched herself out, yawning as if just waking up from a nap.

“Loïc and Ange, clean up your mess. Solene, make sure Loïc and Ange clean up. Enora, make sure Isaur doesn’t kill Loïc. I’m going to take a shower,” Odette instructed flatly, grabbing her bag and making her way toward her bedroom. She’d typically be able to attempt to diffuse the situation, but her brain was fried at this point. She needed a breather before she got upset again.

Her bedroom was a bit messier than she normally tolerated. The contents of her closet spilled all over the floor, reaching as far as her desk chair and bed. Most of the drawers on her dresser stood open, also threatening to also dump their stuff. The only thing that looked relatively well-kept was her astral shrine, which had been arranged neatly on a small table in front of her window. It was still fit with the ganlon and liechi berries and various items she'd put out as offerings, her standard configuration for the sake of her team's battle prowess. She had half a mind to light the odd incense sitting in the middle of the crudely drawn magic circle, just as a means of calming her nerves, but decided against it. She settled for dusting off one of the candles, wondering when she should start breaking it down for the move.

With the preparations to move underway, she had a lot of organizing she needed to do. What could be packed away for now, and what she needed to keep out. A pile of flattened boxes was leaned up against her wire bed frame, ready for use. Only one box in the room had been packed and taped, but she’d had that box together for over a year--long before this move to Alola was even finalized.

Her eyes instinctively traveled to her wall of empty shelves, catching on the amount of dust that had started to accumulate on them. Despite the fact that she’d shoved every last of her trophies and photos from her performance days into that box, she still found herself glancing at the shelves every time she entered her room. They used to fill her with joy and a sense of accomplishment and worth. But now, they just existed, hoping to hold something else that filled her with those same feelings.

That possibility seemed bleak.

She threw herself onto her unmade bed after tossing her bag to the floor. Lying there, she allowed herself to really take a second to decompress. Forget the day, forget work, forget her team’s shenanigans. She just concentrated on relaxing.

She hoped, in some way, shape or form, tomorrow would steer clear of the weird brushes with the past. Just a day at Santalune Pokemon Academy, focused on nothing but training. That was all she was asking for.

A small crash sounded from the family room, followed by a chorus of angry shouts from her teammates. She cringed to herself and took the deepest breath she could muster.

“All good. All good.”
 
Last edited:

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
This is just a really quick review.

Very good chapter 2. We get to get a further glimpse into Odette and her life. We can clearly see there's something *off* about her though. The way she got so irrationally angry and responds to little things with a full on meltdown. I also really liked the scene at the end. We finally got to meet Odette's whole team, and they are characters.

“Yes, your apartment is two blocks away, must be nice,” Noel said as he briefly examined his nails. “Our building is a twelve minute drive away.”
“I figure, since I’m the versed motorist here, I have a better chance of surviving any crashes without a helmet than he would,” Odette explained.
Acadia didn’t buy it. Still living out what was left of her Mom Mode, she bent down so that her eyes were level with Odette’s. Her brow began to twitch, and she tightly crossed her arms over her chest.
Missed a line space here.
“Not mine,” Noel whined. “Braviary won’t fly after rain, the defiant little bugger,” he said jokingly.
Very good!! I also appreciate the use of the word bugger here. (It's entirely subjective and personal but I was never a fan of tossing curse words around. Not only do I personally not enjoy it but I really takes away from their impact. But like I said, entirely personal and non-objective.)
Odette tightened her grip on the handlebars as a breeze stirred her bangs, cool against her uncovered head.
So she's already driving here I believe, wouldn't the wind from driving already push her bangs back? idk, teensy gripes
“Bulba and Bulba curl moisturizing shampoo,” she answered.
Luxray mane look.”
I live for pokemon versions of things and pokemon brand name and all those little things. These are just two highlights from this chapter that were great.

Anyways, I was very into the last scene, and I thought it made for a good ending. Having Odette actually come home and have to deal with her team's shenanigans (Monopoly is the worst, ain't it!? lol) gives us insight into her and paints a good picture of her team and what pokemon are like in your world. It also gives us a good look into some personalities of the pokemon.

Overally, super solid chapter that builds well into this story and left me very interested in what direction things will take.
 
Top Bottom